Left: Fresh Lime Skinny Rita. Right: Perfect Patron Margarita. [Photos: John M. Edwards]

There are a lot more chains than you think there are. When I set out for this week's column, I found the number two place on my list across the street from number one. Sadly, I didn't have the liver to do them both at once.

So this week, it's On the Border. Chips and margaritas: perfect for Cheap Buzz.

OTB's chips are fresh but kind of unremarkable; the salsa, on the other hand, packs a surprising level of heat. It's oddly refreshing and compelling, and will certainly accelerate your drinking. I liked it, and had to distance myself from the basket.

On to the drinks!

A standard menu item at most chain restaurants these days seems to be the Perfect Patron Margarita ($9.79). On the Border's makes use of Patron Silver Tequila and Patron Citronge liqueur, though unfortunately, to not much effect; on first sip, it tastes heavily of generic margarita mix. It isn't offensively sweet and there's definitely a hefty pour of smooth tequila. But the viscous lime syrup makes this just okay. Drinkability: B

The real surprise was On the Border's Fresh Lime Skinny Rita ($6.89). Compared to the Skinnybee at Applebee's or those Skinnygirl bottled margaritas, this drink wins. Fresh lime juice, Hornitos Plata tequila, and, ok, fake sugar, but you can only barely taste it. If I'd been blind folded, I might not have even realized this was reduced-calorie. (The only giveaway is a slight aftertaste.) Forget the Sweet-n-Low in water that other places serve—I liked this cocktail. Drinkability: Give 'em an A for pulling off what so many others failed.

Left: Sangria. Right: Blended Margarita.

Sangria ($4.99) is often hit-or-miss; this one missed. It's too sweet and harsh, and it coated the mouth in an odd waxy way. Drinkability: Skip. Make sangria at home.

On the Border's Blended Margarita ($5.99) was much more to my taste than the rocks version. Perhaps that's psychological (you sort of expect blended margs to be sweeter), or perhaps it's the blended-in ice toning down the syrup, but this drink has beachy appeal. The strawberry version tastes a little too much like IHOP strawberry syrup; I recommend the regular. Drinkability: B, because I like beaches.

Hangover Report

On the Border was a little off when it came to drinks. But it does win the surprise award for the most palatable under 100 calorie cocktail I've had to date. And I didn't even know there was an award for such a thing.

Left to right: TNTea, Grey Goose Martini, Perfect Margarita [Photos: John Edwards]

You've been to Dave and Buster's, right? That PG-rated spot for adults that promises fun for the whole family? Though they're effectively an adult Chuckie Cheese, Dave and Buster's takes a page from the Vegas playbook: they serve booze. I headed to the closest D&B's to see how the cocktails fared.

Typically, the chain restaurants that I visit serve up watered down punches full of sugar and artificial coloring. They don't have bitters, they don't muddle much, and they count on America wanting a sweet, diluted elixir to make a little bit of hooch go down.

But the drinks at Dave and Buster's stand out a bit from the pack: first of all, they're mighty strong.

The TNTea, a mixture of Absolut vodka, Tanqueray gin, Bacardi Rum, Grand Marnier, with sweet and sour mix and Coca-Cola may sound like a nightmare, but this intensely boozy concoction was actually not as insanely sweet as I feared. It's not my new go-to order or anything, but it was better than I expected, like a Coke Lemon with a sailor-approved amount of alcohol. Drinkability: Sure, if you're raring to start your bender off aggressively. The sweetness hides the heavy pour.

Their Perfect Patron Margarita was refreshingly tart but overly salted. Though the booze is Patron Silver Tequila and Patron Citronge, it's dominated by what tastes like any old generic fraternity-party margarita mix. It's a pretty strong cocktail, but it doesn't beat the Applebee's version. Drinkability: Meh.

What if you step away from the sour mix and order a grown up drink? I tried a Grey Goose Martini to see how it compared to the one at Ruby Tuesday, my all-time #1 Cheap Buzz spot. The Dave and Buster's version was strong, but it failed on the vermouth front. Hey Buster! Hey Dave! Bad vermouth is what makes people hate martinis! Drinkability: Not awful, but not quite Ruby-level.

If you see a drink called a "Walk the Plank", you have to order it, and not just because you've already seen the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie twice. Made with Captain Morgan spiced rum, Malibu coconut rum, peach schnapps, and a slew of fruit juices, it was pink and sweet, but not offensively so. Drinkability: Tastes like a vacation. And I like vacations!

Left to right: Lynchburg Lemonade, Snow Cone, and The Shizzle.

The Snow Cone starts with Watermelon Pucker, Malibu coconut rum, cherry vodka, blue curacao, and Sprite, plus pomegranate syrup. With all of the sweet syrup, it tastes like a boozy Slush Puppie, in a good way. You know how sometimes a popsicle just tastes purple? This tasted blue. Drinkability: Dangerously drinkable. If you find yourself with a brainfreeze, slow down.

One warning: no matter how much you like the name, don't order The Shizzle. It's a bit of Malibu Coconut and some Malibu Pineapple, plus Stolichnaya Vanil and pineapple juice. I expected it to be an island-style sugarfest. Instead, it tasted like sucralose mixed with aluminum foil. Drinkability: Terrible.

My head was spinning by the time I reached the Lynchburg Lemonade. But this drink doesn't take much higher-level thinking: it's a pretty straightforward Jack Daniels and lemonade mix (mostly Jack Daniels, to be honest.) Drinkability: Recommended.

I'll admit it. My enthusiasm about the drinkability of Dave and Buster's cocktails steadily increased in parallel with my BAC. These drinks are first and foremost vehicles for loads of alcohol. At $10-13 apiece at my local branch, they cost basically the same as weaker drinks at the other big chains (these are NYC prices, they're probably cheaper near you). So if you're looking for strong drinks, these will get the job done.

In casinos, they give you free drinks so that you get loopy and bet $100 on Red 32. Dave and Buster's isn't much different—they pour it heavy so you keep pouring money into those games.

[Photo: Carey Jones]

While I shouldn't start an article by professing my love for a location that I review—though with chain restaurants, let's be honest, I almost always have an opinion going in—I do want to at least call out a few good things about Buffalo Wild Wings.

They tend to be big and lively and feel like sports bars, with huge screens on the wall for my Steelers games. Beyond the wings, they have Naked Chicken Tenders (grilled tenders with no breading) which are a rare chain restaurant order that's not awful for you. (Hey, I write about McFlurrys all day; I'm allowed my off-duty low-carb diet.) And finally (to negate that last sentence), it has an awesome beer list.

But at Cheap Buzz, it's about the cocktails. And I must say, my friends, trying those drinks was a learning experience.

The Mojito at Buffalo Wild Wings reminded me of mint chewing gum, almost as if there were a mint flavor in the cocktail along with the mint leaves that filled my glass; it was very sweet, weak on the rum, and aggressively minty. If I had to guess, I'd say it was a mix doctored up with cosmetic mint and ice. Drinkability: Not bad, but not good.

If the Mojito was chewing gum, the Margarita was a Pixie Stick—incredibly sweet, with a strong "fruit" flavor—not fruit flavor. It was reasonably tart, in its favor, but couldn't overcome the sweetness; in the end, it just tasted like watery store-bought mix with a minimum pour of tequila. Drinkability: Like the mojito, generic and sweet.

The most interesting drink of the night, the Loaded Lemon Tea, combined sweet tea vodka and lemon; though it too was sweet, it wasn't as offensively so. Lemon, honey, and that tea vodka were all in balance; it's refreshing and easy enough to drink. That said, it's my favorite only in that there wasn't anything I hated about it. Drinkability: A great idea for a summer drink, and not too bad a version of it.

But things went wrong again with the Red Stag and Coke—a promotion with Red Stag, Jim Beam's Black Cherry flavored bourbon. Though the Stag and Coke had the most alcohol of any drink here, it also had the most sugar; cherry-flavored sodas are fine by me, but even for a guy who likes Cherry Coke, this thing was undrinkably sweet. Drinkability: Worst of the evening. Should Red Stag even have a mixer?

The Hangover Report

My favorite, by process of elimination, would be the Loaded Lemon Tea; however, best of the worst isn't a good place to be.

Luckily, there's an easy solution: stick to the beer. By any standards, their beer selection is impressive. At the Brooklyn location I visit, you can find Abita, Arrogant Bastard, Stone Ruination, Lagunitas, Coney Island Brewery, and a slew of others in bottles and on draft; other chains only carry the big brands, and maybe Sam Adams. Buffalo Wild Wings is miles ahead. I feel bad giving them a D+ for cocktails, but I feel like an A- beer rating makes up for it. And really, aren't sports bars are about beer?

[Photos: John M. Edwards]

I have to admit up front that I'm a huge fan of the Garden; I used to eat there about twice a week in high school. Breadsticks, never-ending salad, and spaghetti with meatballs—I loved them. And I loved that every Olive Garden had the same pictures on the walls, and played the same Frank Sinatra songs ("Fly me to the moon...") But nostalgia only goes so far. The food might still be tasty, in that comforting generic-and-heavy way. But their specialty cocktails? That's another story.

Looking at the menu, my hopes dropped. Nothing but fruity and sweet-sounding drinks: Mango Martini, Limoncello Lemonade, Watermelon Martini. I had a bad feeling this would be a sugar-fest. (On the bright side, all of the cocktails were between $6.50 and $8.00.)

The Garden's menu lists the Italian Margarita as Sauza Gold Tequila, Triple Sec, and DiSaronno Amaretto. Basically, it's a regular old margarita with a sweet amaretto shot on the side. It's dominated by orange flavor; if I were branding fast-casual cocktail drinks, I'd dub it an Orange-ita. I could barely taste any booze at all; dumping the amaretto into the glass doesn't make it any better. Drinkability: This one's for those who don't want their booze to taste like booze.

I thought the Watermelon Martini would be the worst drink, but it turned out to be better than I expected, like a liquified Jolly Rancher. I'm not saying that pejoratively—it has the exact flavor composition of a watermelon Jolly Rancher: mildly sweet but tart enough to make your lips pucker a bit. At least, here, there's something to balance the sugar. The alcohol goes down smoothly, but I could tell I was drinking (and not being ripped off by a meager pour). Drinkability: Potable, but pink.

In last place was the Limoncello lemonade—I wanted a drink, I got a frozen lemonade. It's like something you get from a stand on a New Jersey boardwalk. Sticky-sweet. Drinkability: This one tastes like it's safe for a 9-year old. But even a 9-year-old would probably only like it on a really hot day.

Ok, so maybe the menu caters toward those looking more for sweet treats than serious drinks. To test the bartending, I ordered a Manhattan as my last test. The waiter returned a few moments later and asked, "Do you want that with bourbon or brandy?" Not auspicious for the Garden.

But when the cocktail arrived, I was surprised. There was a little extra in the maraschino cherry department, but this drink was no sweeter than any other Manhattan I've had. I was disappointed that I could hardly taste bitters, but the balance of whiskey and sweet vermouth wasn't bad. Drinkability: A little harsh, but at least it approaches the classic.

Hangover Report

These things will leave you with a day-after-Halloween sugar hangover. When it comes down to it, Olive Garden's cocktail menu is more about sweets than spirits. I should have guessed: Olive Garden is owned by the Darden Restaurant Group, just like Red Lobster. The composition of the Garden's drinks is eerily similar to their seafood-serving cousin. If you're at the Olive Garden, stick to the beer and wine (or water.)

[Photo: Carey Jones]

Want to get messed up? Head to Applebee's. This kid only had the apple juice, and blew a 0.10. And he didn't even finish his sippy cup. "Wow," I said to myself after reading that in the news; "That's the greatest thing since Four Loko. I need to get on that bandwagon!"

As a kid, I'd always ordered the riblets and a Cherry Coke at Applebee's. (Had I known then what I know now, I probably would have been pounding apple juice.) This time, now that I'm an adult (and a chain restaurant aficionado), it's all about their infamous margaritas. And there were plenty to choose from; we tried the Perfect Margarita, the Patron Perfect Margarita, the SkinnyBee Margarita, and the Main Street Rita.

The SkinnyBee Margarita, made with a sugar-free mix, is reasonably lime-y but with a distinct artificial aftertaste; despite the Hornitos tequila the menu claims, it's basically diluted lime and aspartame.

Drinkability: Like a glass of water, but with an unpleasant aftertaste.

But my faith in Applebee's returned with the Perfect Margarita. It's made with 1800 Reposado tequila, Cointreau, and Grand Marnier with their buzz-a-baby Perfect Margarita mix. Three virtues: it's tart, it's strong, and it's ample. Waiters serve an empty glass with a lime at the bottom, and pour the drink tableside out of a cocktail shaker. (On our first visit, the salt-rimmed glass had an olive instead of a lime. Oops?) They leave the shaker, which contains at least another full drink. From the first sip, I was pretty impressed. Citrusy, acidic, and strong, it wasn't too fruity or sugary.

Drinkability: Drink the rest? Don't mind if I do!

For comparison's sake, we also ordered the Patron Perfect Margarita, made with Patron Silver tequila, Patron Citronge, and margarita mix. Like its cousin, it's a powerful cocktail; if you don't like strong cocktails, stick to the apple juice, because the Patron Perfect is so boozy it borders on unbalanced. It's not a refined cocktail, but I still loved it. For once, a chain served me a stiff drink.

Drinkability: Professionals only; others, beware.

More typical of this sort of chain was the Main Street Rita, a frozen margarita with Sauza Gold in strawberry-mango or wildberry-mango flavors. Though again, not too light on the booze, this one was far too sweet, and reminded me of the smoothies with a drop of liquor that Red Lobster served me. I'd shy away from this one.

Drinkability: Strong enough, but cloying.

The Hangover Report

Applebee's is a Cheap Buzzer's paradise; I was so loopy at the end of my visits, I could barely put my credit card back in my wallet.

Frankly, they ought to strip the whole drink menu down to the Perfect Margaritas, and launch an ad campaign: "Applebees, Our Margaritas Get You Drunk." I'm excited that there's one within walking distance of my apartment.

Editor's note: You may know John M. Edwards from his fast food reviews here at Serious Eats. We figured that if he's willing to try a Denny's Fried Cheese Melt, he's pretty much up for anything involving chain restaurants...even tasting his way through their signature cocktails. Here he is with another edition of Cheap Buzz! Take it away, John. --The Mgmt.

PF Chang's is an unabashed celebration of Americanized Chinese food. The inspiration for these dishes comes from Middle-America strip malls, not Flushing, Queens, or Shanghai. And it's a weird experience: the giant horses outside the doors frighten children; your server is almost always Caucasian; some locations serve french fries.

So it comes as no surprise that the cocktails are prepared for the American palate. Most, like the Orange Peel Manhattan or the Plum Collins, try to incorporate some vaguely Asian element into a mostly American invention. In some cases, these drinks are interesting, even enjoyable renditions of classic cocktails. In others, they're as sugary their General Tso's Chicken.

Everybody in my party liked the Orange Peel Manhattan, a mix of Woodford Reserve Bourbon, blood orange bitters, and sweet vermouth. The bourbon tasted smooth, the vermouth was apportioned properly, and the orange flavor really came through. It was slightly—but not undrinkably—too sweet. When I'm putting back a Manhattan, something about me likes to feel like Don Draper, swilling a man's glass of hooch; this wasn't quite it.

Next up, the Chinese 88 Martini, is a renamed French 75. Plymouth Dry Gin is shaken with lemon juice and topped with sparkling wine—it's crisp, citrusy, and very refreshing; they keep the gin subtle, but overall, it's more tart than sweet. (That is, until you get a taste of the sugar rim, which all but ruins the drink. If you order one, ask for it without.)

Our waiter boasted that the Organic Agave Margarita had been named among the top three most popular cocktails among chain restaurants. (How they determine that, I have no clue, but it was enough to sell me on it.) They start with Patron Silver tequila, then add organic agave nectar and lemon juice. I saw exactly why it was a top seller—it's good for a chain restaurant cocktail. The tequila is subtle, and doesn't bite; there's a good balance of booze and citrus. However, it's a fairly sweet cocktail, and I wouldn't order two.

The Tangier is Stoli Ohranj Vodka with tangerine liqueur and lemon juice. It's mellower than a Screwdriver, and has varied and interesting citrus flavors—but it's light enough that it belongs on the brunch list only.

Steer clear of the Plum Collins (a take on the Tom Collins) and the Mai Tai—both of these are in the sorority punch school of drinks.

If you're hungry, I recommend the steamed pork dumplings; even if the dough can be a bit gummy, the pork insides are plenty delicious. The ahi tuna was marred by an excessively sweet sauce; I'd skip the calamari, unless you like cafeteria fried clam sandwiches.

Overall, the cocktails mirror the food: they lean on sugar or other sweeteners to appeal and they lack the subtle complexity you'd want from a great cocktail. Still, some surprise you. Though we would have preferred our drinks a bit more grown up, I've had far worse cocktails during my Cheap Buzz odyssey.

[Photos: Carey Jones]

On a visit to California, I drove by a Trader Vic's with no idea what it was—a West Coast knockoff of Trader Joe's? Apparently, I was showing my youth. My girlfriend's mom laughed. "No, they've been around since I was your age." My girlfriend's father recounted post-prom shenanigans at a Trader Vic's in the Plaza Hotel in New York. That, however, is a story for another day.

Long before tiki lounges with brightly colored drinks popped up in cities across the country, Trader Vic's commercialized the hell out of them. Walk inside one, and it's Magnum PI meets TGI Friday's, with Polynesian artifacts all over the walls. Started as a West Coast chain in the 30's, Trader Vic's rode a Tiki culture wave in the 50's and 60's, before declining in popularity in the 80's. Its claim to fame? Founder Vic Bergeron supposedly invented the Mai Tai.

Now, Trader Vic's is a global company, with over twenty-five restaurants. There are only seven left in the United States, mostly west of the Rockies. Surprisingly, the real hotbed of activity is the Middle East. There are more Trader Vic's in the Middle East as there are in the US. Yup, one in each of Bahrain, Jordan, Oman, and Saudi Arabia, and then four in the UAE. Since Trader Vic's is known for their cocktails, I was somewhat surprised to learn it, but since they've forged a relationship with numerous hotel chains, the international expansion isn't absurd.

Let's Drink!

Trader Vic's Mai Taiis a combination of J. Wray Jamaican Rum, sugar syrup, orange curacao, and French orgeat. And it's one of the most popular drinks on a crazy-long menu. (We saw a tableful of blue-haired grannies order a round of 6.) This drink was surprisingly strong and not nearly as sweet as some versions I've had. Normally, I think of a Mai Tai as a "chick" drink—it's too often nothing but weak juice-drowned booze—but though this one had fruit and citrus flavors, it wasn't cloying and definitely tasted like a cocktail. Trader Vic's may or may not have invented the Mai Tai, but they certainly get it right.

The Eastern Sour (bourbon with crushed orange, lemon, and ice) continued the pattern: Trader Vic's doesn't skimp on the alcohol. The Eastern Sour was just as spirit-forward as the Mai Tai, with the right amount of citrus and not too much sugar. Count me pleasantly surprised.

Of course, part of the fun is the drinking vessels: the Black Stripe, effectively a hot toddy with cinnamon and cherry, came in a skull mug. This one was sweet, but boozy, and it arrived on fire. If there were ever a place for flaming drinks, this is it. The Samoan Fog Cutter—"a blend of rum, gin, brandy, and sherry wine with orange juice and orgeat"—tasted very tart, obscuring any of those alcohols' flavors. My dining companion didn't like it, but I felt like it was a refreshing break from the stronger drinks; it pulled me out of the buzz I was entering and sharpened my senses.

Last up was the Planter's Punch: a mixture of dark and gold rums, fruit juices, grenadine and soda water. Four words: strong, fruity, sweet, and sour. If you're down with rum punches, this is a good one; a beachfront drink amped up with a few glugs of extra booze.

The Grub

If only the food were as easy to enjoy as the drinks. The appetizer platter advertises Shrimp, Pork, Ribs, and Rangoons; the shrimp were greasy and chewy, the ribs unremarkable. The sweet, fatty pork was the best of the lot; the duck tacos, duck meat wrapped with crispy mini-tortillas and chili-hoisin sauce, were also enjoyable, if not particularly refined. It's like a Polynesian Peking Duck. Let's put it this way: None of the food was great at first, but after a couple of drinks it got a lot better.

The Verdict

Trader Vic's is Cheap Buzz with emphasis on the buzz. When it comes to drinks, they don't mess around. I went to the one in Palo Alto, and if ever another dot-com bubble bursts, this will be the place to drown your sorrows and hold on to your few remaining greenbacks.

Cabo Wabo 'Rita. [Photo: Carey Jones]

When somebody says "Mexican food," the first thought that pops into my head is "booze." Something about a belly full of rice, beans, and meat requires some sort of alcoholic beverage with it. What better than a margarita to help burn through the food coma?

As far as fast-casual restaurants go, Chevys Fresh Mex ranks pretty high up there—fresh pico de gallo, tortillas made throughout service, sizable portions. But, as we've seen, sometimes a place to get a good, cheap meal isn't the best place to get good booze. I set out to see what the watering hole at Chevy's had to offer.

Chevy's classic margarita has Cuervo Tradicional Tequila with Cointreau and their margarita mix; three other of their many, many different twists on the drink include the Cranberry, the Cabo Wabo, and the Spicy Mango.

Spicy Mango Margarita.

The Cranberry Margarita was tart and drinkable, but seemed like a standard margarita with some cranberry juice dumped in; it ended up more cranberry than cocktail. The Cabo Wabo 'Rita was much better—I tasted smooth tequila and citrus flavors, and the tartness really balanced out the burn and the sweet. (That said, the lime was a little suspect; my dining companion noted that it tasted like lime Lifesavers, rather than fresh lime juice.) The Spicy Mango Margarita, while tasty and smooth—a good contrast between the powerful tequila and sweet, fruity mango—lacked any kind of heat. Good drink, bad name?

Prickly Pear Agave Margarita.

Like at Red Lobster, drinks at chain restaurants tend to contain fruit—lots of fruit. (It is so frequently the case that, for the sake of reporting on the menu, I feel I have to try them, whether they're my kind of drink or not.) Chevy's mango mojito (Bacardi Silver, fresh-squeezed lime, mint, Sierra Mist, and mango) had a good balance of booze and fruit, and didn't just taste like flavored soda, despite the lemon-lime in there. And one of the best drinks we tried was the Prickly Pear Agave (Prickly pear, Sauza Hornitos Reposado, and Tuaca)—well-balanced, cool, and refreshing. In both cases, I could feel the smooth alcohol, but wasn't overwhelmed by either it or the fruit. Both also ranked way above the Pomegranate Martini (Smirnoff Vodka, pomegranate liqueur and Cointreau) which reminded me of Robitussin.

On the final flight (Mom, if you're reading this, it wasn't all in one trip), we went top-shelf with the Dos Patrones margarita—smooth and well-balanced, like the Cabo Wabo Rock'n Rita with more orange, and less lime. The Kraken Fruit Punch tasted strongly of fresh mango (which I liked), but remained a little thin and weak for me—something you'd drink first thing in the morning. Better in the non-margarita camp was the Raspberry Rum Punch—rum with raspberry, rather than the other way around. Definitely a good drink.

If you're looking for snacks, you could just keep eating the complementary chips and Pico de Gallo—fresh, chunky, spicy, juicy. The Red Chili Pork Taquitos came out crunchy and meaty, with a delicious green tomatillo dipping sauce.

All in all, the drinking experience at Chevy's can be quite good. Not all of the drinks deliver on what the menu says they should be, but they don't skimp on the alcohol, and, for the most part, they're not corn-syrup-laden alco-smoothies like Red Lobster's. If you're able to dodge the fruity and gimmicky drinks, it's possible to have a solid drinking experience.

Editor's note: You may know John M. Edwards from his fast food reviews here at Serious Eats. We figured that if he's willing to try a Denny's Fried Cheese Melt, he's pretty much up for anything involving chain restaurants...even tasting his way through their signature cocktails. Here he is with another edition of Cheap Buzz! Take it away, John. —The Mgmt.

[Photos: Maggie Hoffman]

Like Flinger's and Chotchkie's in Office Space, Ruby Tuesday has been duking it out with T.G.I. Friday's in strip mall parking lots for decades.

If you had to ask me, I'd say Ruby Tuesday is winning. Like Boston Market, Ruby Tuesday's has decided, despite the poor economic times, to up the ante. Founder Sandy Beall has poured $100 million into his restaurants, hoping to revitalize the brand. As noted in the New York Times, the furniture is nicer now—all leather and dark wood—and the menu features "fancy" fare.

So, have the cocktails kept up with the upgrade? In this edition of Cheap Buzz, we decided to find out.

As we stepped into Ruby Tuesday, the whole restaurant felt like a mint car just driven off the lot. I almost expected to see a chalk marking on the floor, or some indication that construction had finished too prematurely. But there wasn't. The hosting staff was polite and stuck to the house rules of only seating full parties.

When probed about the drink menu, our waiter said his favorite was a "Jameson Manhattan." A man after my own heart. After much deliberation, I ordered red and white sangria, a Rum Runner, a Margarita, a Grey Goose Martini, and a fruity concoction they call the "Relaxer." He gave me a look that said "Sure thing, Mr. Draper." Not wanting to look too much like a 1960s ad executive, I piped up, "those drinks are for the table."

Before imbibing at Ruby Tuesday, it's important to line the stomach. We ordered a few appetizers, our favorite being the Lobster Mac and Cheese ($12.99). Warm, stretchy, and scrumptious, the melted cheese was probably the best part. We weren't as pleased with the lobster (not much of it) or the noodles (just a little too soft). But it was still better than plenty of the mac and cheeses we tried for our epic SENY roundup.

We also tried the Spinach Artichoke dip ($9.99). It came with a positively incalculable number of chips. When the dip was gone—which was fine, but too creamy and heavy—I was convinced there were more chips piled than when we began.

The Shrimp Sampler platter ($12.99) came with decent enough golden fried shrimp that were more edible with the Thai Phoon sauce (we don't recommend the Asian Sesame and Cajun ranch sauces).

But enough with the food talk.

First up, the Relaxer. I expected a thick slurry, but it was on the rocks a bit more of an adult drink than I'd expected, with a definite alcohol presence. Unfortunately, the hints of passion fruit weren't enough to mask the sweet, almost bubblegum-like taste. Next up, their Blackberry Rum Runner, very sweet with a slight alcohol flavor. "The fresh taste of blackberries and DeKuyper Crème de Banana join the party, but Malibu Coconut Rum and Myers's Dark Rum provide the entertainment," says the menu. It wasn't as "fun" or "entertaining" as they make it out to be (though neither was it as terrible as some of the coconut drinks at Red Lobster). If I were you, I'd pass on both of these; neither is worth the $9.

Next, the two Sangrias. The red version was leagues ahead of Red Lobster's: sweet but not too sweet, with a decent wine flavor and just a touch of liquor. But the white sangria was even better: crisp, fruity, fresh-tasting, and not too sweet. At $8 apiece, they're both a good deal.

My first sip of the margarita was tart. "Because it's made with real lime juice," said our waiter. Hmm, really? It tasted more like that "Real Lime" concentrate you get in a plastic lime. But to be fair, it was better than most premixed margaritas I've had.

To test the bartender's hand at classic drinks, we ordered a Grey Goose Martini. It went down smoothly, had no stingy alcohol bite, and warmed the stomach. It was a decent deal—where else can you get a Grey Goose Martini for $10 in Manhattan? Kenji gave it a thumbs-up, agreeing that "the bartender knows what he's doing."

Does the $100 million investment show? We think so. The drinks are reasonably priced, and better than what you'd expect.

The Hangover Report

We had a good night at Ruby Tuesday, and if anything, we felt a little underdressed for this now swanky spot. Nothing we drank gave us much of a headache the next day, except maybe all that artichoke dip, but that was our own fault.

Editor's note: You may know John M. Edwards from his fast food reviews here at Serious Eats. We figured that if he's willing to try a Denny's Fried Cheese Melt, he's pretty much up for anything involving chain restaurants...even tasting his way through their signature cocktails. Introducing his new column, Cheap Buzz! Take it away, John. —The Mgmt.

[Photos: Maggie Hoffman]

Happy Gilmore forever immortalized Red Lobster. "Shooter! I'll be at the Red Lobster! God Bless!" I've always loved it: the cheesy biscuits, the enormous portions, the tanks of "pick-your-own" lobsters. (My friend Will once pointed out which lobster he wanted, then plunged his hand into the tank and pulled it out himself—much to the waiter's shock and dismay.)

We weren't planning to have that much fun on this Red Lobster visit, but we did want to check out the state of the sippables (along with a few snacks to line our stomachs.)

Stepping into the Red Lobster in New York's Times Square was like stepping into another world: one minute, scaffolding, sirens, hordes of people, and a nighttime electric glow; the next minute, the calm, aquatic feel of any of the other Red Lobster branches across the country. After a 45-minute wait (hey, this place is jumping on a Friday night!), we sat down and ordered cocktails and a few snacks.

From left: Sunset Passion Colada and Triple Berry Sangria.

The first cocktail I tried was the Sunset Passion Colada, a frozen pina colada with Malibu rum and strawberry syrup. The first sip surprised me, because I thought I had been served the wrong drink—I couldn't detect even the faintest hint of alcohol. In fact, I thought I had been served a milkshake by accident. The drink was thick and frothy, tasting of cream and coconut: picture yourself on a hot sandy beach, drinking a bottle of suntan lotion. Drinkability: Only approach this cocktail to prevent sunburn on your lips.

The backbone of the Triple Berry Sangria is Sutter Home Merlot with blueberry, strawberry, and blackberry juice—like all of the drinks we had, it was terribly sweet. In a dark room, you could probably tell that this sangria had wine in it, but it would be more from the smell than the taste. There were hints of orange, lime, and strawberry, but the blueberry stood out the most. Drinkability: Stick with a juice box.

The drink that interested me the most was the Lobsterita. (Don't worry: unlike many of this chain's offerings, there were no crustaceans harmed in the making of this drink.) It's just a strawberry, raspberry, or lime-flavored frozen margarita made with Sauza Gold. We ordered the raspberry version, and I found it tart and sweet, frothy with a lot of frozen-raspberry flavor. Was there booze in there? Who knows. The 18-year-old sorority girl in me liked its fruity freshness, but I'd need to spend days on the elliptical to work off the sugar. Drinkability: Tolerable.

Very low on my list were the Berry Mango Daiquiri—"a frozen combination of Bacardi rum and tropical mangoes topped with sweet, blended strawberries"—and the Red Passion Colada. The Red Passion Colada was just like its "Drive-thru Malt Shoppe" cousin, except less frothy and creamy; again, it was more like a coconut fruit shake than a cocktail. The Berry Mango Daiquiri would be a delicious (if sweet) fruit smoothie, tasting of mango and strawberry—except that it's supposed to be a cocktail. Drinkability: only as a dessert.

My favorite drink was the Bahama Mama: "a frozen blend of tropical fruit flavors mixed with Captain Morgan Original Spiced Rum and topped with a splash of Myers's dark rum." Like most of the other drinks, it was a smoothie with alcohol, but at least I could taste the rum. It wasn't biting or harsh, and the drink ended up being cool in my mouth, but warmer in the stomach. The sweet thickness of the smoothie complemented the rum quite well—sure, it's a sugary cocktail, but one that tasted like a cocktail. Drinkability: Better than tolerable.

If you want something to go with your drinks, I'd recommend the Lobster Pizza—a grilled flatbread pizza with cheese and lobster. The Bacon-Wrapped Scallops can be good, but ours were almost undercooked, and the bacon was very inconsistent: burnt in some places, totally pliant in others. I do not recommend the Coconut Shrimp, easily half breading and unnervingly sweet, like they wrapped each butterflied shrimp in a macaroon and threw it in the fryer.

The Hangover Report

When we stood up from the table, we all felt a little sick. Nobody was drunk, but we all were a little green, like we'd eaten one too many pieces of candy on Halloween night. Watch out for some of these cocktails—they'll do more damage to your blood sugar than to your liver!