Step 1: Be Happy With Yourself

This might be cliche’ but it’s true. You can’t love someone else unless you love yourself first. Do you have crazy insecurities? Most likely. Do you love your crazy insecurities? Probably not.

Before you go out into the world and share yourself with another person, you have to get your shit together. Find out what you like, what you don’t like and love every aspect of yourself. If there’s something that you want to change, change it and continue to love who you are.

Step 2: Know What You Want

What do you want to do with yourself? What are your goals? What are you doing to get there? What do you want out of life? Those are the questions you should ask yourself every day to make decisions that will get you closer to what you want.

If you are not happy with the direction you’re going alone, how do you expect to happy going through life with someone else. Shit, the person you’re with now might be one of the decisions you regret every morning when you wake up. If that’s the case, get rid of that fool, get your shit together and find someone else.

There’s joy in knowing what you want and taking action to get there. And there’s even more joy when you meet that goal. Once you take care of all that you can…

Step 3: Share Your Experiences With Someone Else

Only when you’re happy with yourself and the direction you’re driving should you invite someone along to enjoy the ride. You know what you want, you know where you’re heading and if you find someone heading in the same direction, why not share it together.

Once you’ve shared enjoyable experiences with that person it’s likely that the two of you will create new goals to achieve together. Things that interest the both of you and align with what you both want out of life. If you can get on that path with another person, you’ll experience happiness, joy, love, all the good stuff you can want out of a relationship.

Conclusion

There’s nothing worst that being in a relationship where you’re expecting the other person make you feel happy. That’s a tremendous amount of pressure to put on someone and more often than not, they’ll come up short.

You’ll notice that 2 of the 3 steps to being happy in a relationship have to do with you getting your shit together. It starts with you. You should realize that only you can make yourself feel happy. Once you do that, then you should find a person to share that happiness with. Until then, stay clear from other people so you don’t drown them with all your shit.

P.S. Completely Unrelated Topic

For those of you who do not know, as well as being a relationship guru, I am also an independent artist. I have a new EP out titled Magick, Album 0. If you’re into hip-hop/rap music please go to reyshizz.com and download your copy. It’s completely free but I do ask for an email address before you can download it. Thanks and good luck with getting your shit together so you can be happy in a relationship.

Sometimes I have abstract ideas but bare with me. A few years back I read a blog by a guy who says he carries two sets of shoes to work: one pair as business attire and one for those LONG trips to the bathroom. He went on to say that the embarrassment of what he’d sometimes leave behind in the restroom was enough to make him want to disassociate himself from it completely. Soooo, he changed shoes.

What’s my point?

A lot of times women attempt to “change shoes”. We cover our insecurities, pain, hurt of the past by a pair of stilettos and a smile. We play the game in order to find companionship. All the while, we do not realize that the “stench” of our baggage is still following us. Perpetrating a fraud, we are taught to do what it takes to “catch him” and then keep up the charade to “keep him”. However, we still carry a heavy heart and if we had to be completely honest with ourselves, we are unhappy. Most of us weren’t happy individuals before we set foot in the Red Lobster with our little black dress, two sizes too small, tags still on it, and receipt tucked in our new clutch. Whatever you’ve come through makes you a survivor- not a victim. I often refer to the Apostle Paul when I feel like I’m about to “snatch” something or somebody. He said, “Encourage Yourself in the Lord”. A happy heart is the most attractive quality a woman can have. It’s time we learn to rock the mess out of the shoes we’re in!

About the Guest Author: Danni

Raised in New Jersey while blessed with a Southern upbringing, Danni has an eclectic lifestyle and quirky ways. She believes “everything is a story”. Her faith in Christ has brought her through some traumatic experiences, led her to double degrees in English and Psychology. She is currently working on self-publishing an e-book titled : “Pride, Predators, and Prince Charming”, followed by her own personal memoirs titled “One Cuckoo Past Crazy”. Follow, comment and subscribe at her blog on www.thedannidiaries.wordpress.com

The relationship is going great! Everything across the board is satisfied including conversation, attraction, personality, interests, intimacy, etc. I really can’t complain. We’re even traveling, and visiting different places you only see in pictures and movies. I’m doing things I’ve never imagined doing, from horseback riding and even catching Broadway plays. Oh and how can I forget, we’re even thinking about moving in together. Who knows, maybe get married and start a family while we’re at it. Well maybe I’m moving too fast but I’m sure you get the drift. What can possibly ruin this fulfilling feeling?

Before I move things too quickly, there’s one thing I forgot to mention. One very important thing that’s very vital in a relationship. It’s something I’ve yet to do, but eventually I must. I am referring to Meeting Her Parents. It’s not that I’m frightened or anything, well maybe just a little. But it’s nothing I avoided, wait, ok maybe I did. But what could it be that most guys aren’t too thrilled about meeting the parents? In my case, it’s probably the anxiety/nervousness of being accepted. I mean I know I am fully confident in myself and my self esteem is pretty high. I believe I have a lot to offer and consider myself to be an awesome catch. However, in the words of Will Smith, “parents just don’t understand”. I know how it is because my parents are the worst, just read my most recent blog She Has A Good Job, So What?… if you haven’t read it yet and you’ll understand why.

Nonetheless, I must jump over this hurdle sooner than later in order to continue building this foundation. Next question should be when and where should I meet the parents? Should I throw on a suit or go there with my jeans and boots? I have some tough decisions to make, like should I bring them a gift? If so, what should I bring? Or what topics should I focus on during conversations? I read somewhere that I should focus on topics like sports, recent movies, a current newsworthy tidbit, and family. And to avoid topics like religion, politics (who knows, they might be republicans), money/income, and personal questions. I should ask her about her parents interests, after all who knows their parents better then their own children? So when I asked her, she definitely wasn’t of any help at all. She basically told me to be myself. I made a memo to myself stating I will NOT be myself, SERIOUSLY that will not work. Words to the wise: never be yourself! Instead fake the funk and pretend to be a pastor/priest. After brainstorming for days and giving this much thought, I finally figured it out! I’ll bring a bottle of wine and some nice flowers, I’ll talk about sports and family (g-rated stuff) , and pretend I’m in med school. Let’s see how that works : )

Marckens P.

I want to talk about the “difference” between Serial Monogamy and Polygamy. But before I do that, I want to talk about goals. The most basic goal in life, after the fundamental needs are met (food, shelter etc) is happiness. We all want it. So how do we obtain this elusive goal of happiness? One method is through companionship. Finding the right person can very well lead to happiness. Herein lies the problem: How do we find the right person?

I am going to talk about two methods: Serial Monogamy and Polygamy. Now before I continue I want to make it clear that I am not bias towards any of the two methods. They are both a means to an end (happiness). One is definitely more left than the other, but I want you to keep in mind that both serve the same purpose. Okay, enough with the PSAs and introductions, let get to the meat.

Serial Monogamy
In the literal sense serial monogamy is when you have many spouses one after the other, in a series. Since we live in a progressive society, I’d like to extend this definition to include having more than one partner. This means that if you go through a series of relationships one after the other, congratulations, you are a serial monogamist.

Polygamy
Polygamy is when you have many spouses concurrently. Again I’d like to extend this definition to include having many partners concurrently. This term has been damned so much I don’t think I need to explain it further (I’m not bitter, I’m sour).

Analysis
How different are the two above methods of achieving the goal of happiness? From a strictly scientific point of view one is obviously more efficient than the other*. From an economic point of view one is subtly more valuable than the other**. Despite those minor differences, why be in opposition to either methods? You can use both to your advantage when the time is right #justsaying. I’m not trying to convince you one way or the other. My purpose for writing this was to simply draw attention to the paths people take to reach the same destination… happiness.

FOOT NOTES
*Let’s approach this problem like a scientist would. The first thing to do is to state the problem: You want to find happiness through companionship, but you are not compatible with all people so you have to find the right person. The serial monogamist solution would be to date one person after another until you find “the one”. Using this method over a 5 year span you can probably be in 2 to 3 relationships and not find “the one”. The polygamist solution would be to date as many people as possible to maximize your opportunity to find that special someone(s). In that same 5 year period you can probably be in 5 to 10 relationships. There is a chance that you still won’t find the one within those 5 years but at least you would have had more opportunities, making this method more efficient.

**From an economic standpoint monogamy is more valuable. In economics the more limited something is, the more valuable it becomes (supply and demand). In this sense once a person is committed to you, they become more valuable/attractive to other people. This commitment also makes you more valuable for the same reason.

Do you have a friend who settles with a partner only because of what she does for a living? Well, I do! Once upon a time, long, long ago, I met an interesting person who I thought was very capable of being “the one.” My friends and family thought the same, but for different reasons. They wanted me to settle all because she had a well-paying job. Never mind her personality, how well we connected, or even her looks. They figured with her having a well-paying job, all the important variables that makes a strong relationship didn’t matter. I guess it’s sad to say, but I hang around a bunch of gold diggers. I honestly thought that was a female trait, but I was wrong. Tell one of my boys/family members you’re a doctor, lawyer, or an executive director and you are a keeper.

So I met a lawyer who was very much interested in me and I was somewhat interested in her. She was very goal oriented and already had a lot going for herself. We hung out a couple of times as friends and one day I finally brought her to my mom’s house to meet some of my family at her request. I guess she was trying to “get in” with my mother. So whatever, I took her to my mom’s house. So we finally get there and as I introduced her to my family, everyone’s first reaction was very nonchalant. A few moments later while having dinner, my dad asked her, “So what do you do for a living?” Her response, “I am a defense attorney for white-collar crimes”. No one knew what a white-collar crime was but they all knew what an attorney was. Everyone’s face lit up, eyes opened wide, and mouths dropped.

It was funny to me simply because I know my family. At the same time I do understand. We come from a life of poverty, so we are hard workers. And the term “goal oriented” definitely defines us. We are driven to be successful in life and surrounding yourself around successful individuals can’t be bad right? On that note, she was a keeper to my family and my friends. But the most important person in this scenario with the final decision was me. Being a lawyer wasn’t an automatic sign for me to say she is a keeper. It’s more to it to than that. I’m glad she is successful and happy that she is interested in me for me. But just because she has A and B, doesn’t mean I should be ok with the fact that she doesn’t have C. That’s pretty much settling, and I’m too young to be settling now.

Long story short, it eventually didn’t work out. My family was upset and my friends were disappointed in me. Little do they know that even though she was a lawyer, she was actually very crazy. Wait, that’s not fair, let’s say she wasn’t right for me.

Marckens P.

After Sex
After the act is done, it could be very awkward for both parties involved. You must be careful to break away from the situation while showing your partner the respect they deserve as human beings (as opposed to pieces of meat). Below are some specific pointers.

Cuddling: If both parties are not fully naked, cuddling is 100% out of the question. If both parties are nude, cuddling is acceptable for a maximum of 60 seconds. During that time it should not be called “cuddling” or anything at all, for that matter, it should just happen. If you’re not into cuddling, do not get up right away and begin dressing. Use that 60 seconds to reflect on how good, bad or indifferent the experience was. The gesture of waiting 60 seconds is to show respect to the other person.

Exchanging Phone Numbers: If phone numbers have not been exchanged before intercourse it is optional for the man to ask. It is the man’s decision at this point because (by society’s rules) he has the upper hand. And it is his privilege to do with it what he pleases. At the point of penetration the woman has waived her right to know any more about the guy including his phone number (if it has not already been attained).

Saying Good-bye: Good bye hugs are most appropriate this situation. It says “I cherished the time we spent together and I respect you as a person” If numbers were exchanged a peck on the lips is also appropriate but optional. It says that, “I like you and I’ll give you a call to do this again”. The absolute worst thing to do is give the other person a kiss on the cheek. It’s condescending and reveals that you were just using the person for a the night. Although this may be the fact of the matter, naming as such is not proper etiquette.

The goal of all this was to lay out rules to reduce the awkwardness that occurs around the one night stand. There are things that you, simply, should and shouldn’t do. I hope my little guide helps all maintain their self respect before during and after the transaction.

If you do end up using any of my advice, please let me know about it at: rey [at] reyshizz [dot] com.

It doesn’t happen often but now and then I am given the opportunity to engage in sex that is completely casual in its nature. At these times I always doubt that it is as good as it seems: carefree, light and enjoyable. Sex is usually weighed down by too much thinking and emotional baggage (not to mention the look of disapproval you get when the girl you’re with realizes that she’s not the only one). It is refreshing to know that there are still people out there that can loosen up (pun intended) and have a good time.

Of course with every social interaction there are rules and roles one is to play for the transaction to go smoothly. I do believe that there is proper etiquette both parties must follow to make sure the experience is enjoyable throughout. It’s like making a purchase at a pharmacy. It is understood that the cashier is not to ask you about your prescription of Viagra and for you not to make it awkward by sparking unnatural small talk while she handles your performance enhancers. You must treat the one night stand with the same courtesy.

Before Sex
The first rule of a one night stand is that once it is established that it’s going down, all personal conversation is to end. No one wants to hear about your childhood when they’re in heat. All words spoken should be in the same vein of a porno right before penetration. For example any mention of body parts and what you’re going to do to the other person is acceptable. Any mention of your favorite food (that cannot be introduced during foreplay) is not acceptable.

During Sex
During sex kissing is optional. Most women don’t have a problem with kissing while most men do, with reason. They feel that it is more personal than the act of sex itself and during this sexual interaction you want to keep it as impersonal as possible. Most women, however, feel that kissing adds to arousal of the situation. But of course there are exceptions on both sides. If you are one to enjoy pleasing the other (as I am), you have to play it by ear and see what works with that person.

The next rule is directed to the fellas. Do not apologize for premature ejaculation. It happens. If it happens to you hold your head high and own up to it. Simply compliment her on her ability to arouse you to the point that it is uncontrollable for any amount of time. She will probably be unsatisfied, but she will have an ego boost which is a different sort of satisfaction.

To be continued…

The other night I had dinner with a lovely woman that shall remain nameless. Let’s call her Ms. X. I’ve known Ms. X for a while now so it was a very friendly/casual/light-hearted evening. One topic of discussion I could never avoid with single women is that of relationships. When this topic arises I snap on the bravado of an expert marksman and begin to fire sharp remarks that blasts through the bullshit.

What is the bullshit? She had that expression on her face as well. I’m quick but Ms. X is also sharp and was aware that I was making fun of her to her face. Most people (I’m sad to say) aren’t. I began to describe a relationship as it is seen through the eyes of the average man (or woman). What I said was to the effect of a lot of people are searching for it and very proud of that fact. How noble. But to my surprise, she heard what I didn’t say…

When I get on a rant like that I can literally see the lock that is clasped on the under garments of the woman with whom I am speaking. It doesn’t bother me, well maybe a little… Anyway… She was not amused. At the same time though, it was like I was speaking to what she knew to be true but fought with every once of dignity that she had, to not believe what I was saying.

What did I say? I said a lot of things, but words don’t matter. The underlying theme or the feeling of my pleading was “THINK FOR YOUR FUCKING SELF GOD DAMMIT!”. But no one wants to hear that and they shouldn’t. They should be happy. They should be in a relationship. They should seek one. They should talk about seeking one. It is dignifying. I shall continue to write about relationships with all its splendor and give advise and tell people what to do. I’m good at it… And it continues.

I want to believe you love me
I want to believe that I am everything you ever wanted in a girl
I want to believe that you were made for me
Out of all the people in this world.

I want to believe that you’re honest
I want to believe that you’ll never lie
I want to believe that you’ll love me
And will never make me cry

I want to believe you are perfect
I want to believe everything you say
I want to confide in your promises
And that my trust you’ll never slay

I want to believe you are good
I want to believe that you wont break my heart
I want to believe you’ll love me forever
Or until death due us part

But since this aint a fairytale
None of this will ever be true
I am a flawed human being
And surely you are too

We make mistakes
We hurt, we lie
We break up relationships
And say our good byes

We cheat, we deceive
We anger, we leave
We change, we scar
And we break hearts

Let the truth be told
Fairy tales ain’t true
So hopeless romantics
Remain with the blues

Because a perfect love
The one we pursue
Sad to say
will never come true.

Be blessed, spread love ~Kim

About the Guest Author: Kim

Kim is new to Seriously-Maybe and we are glad she was able to bless us with one her lovely poems. Kim is currently a school nurse during the day and an avid writer by night. Not only does she write beautiful poetry, but she is very intelligent with an MA in nursing and is looking to pursue her doctorate degree as well. When she’s not studying or saving the world, she continues to express herself through her pen and paper. I am happy to have her on board and I hope her contribution will be beneficial to all the SM readers.

Ever woke up and thought to yourself maybe today is the day I call out from work? It could be for many important reasons or simply because you just don’t have the energy to go to in. I used to have that same feeling and until something amazing happened at my job. We hired a new employee and it wasn’t just any ole employee. This one was different; this one had something about her that caught my wondering eyes. I could no longer just call out just because, no more write-ups for being late and definitely no more long speeches for calling out excessively. I realized if I call out, I won’t be able to see my beautiful new co-worker for that day!

Oh yes, I have a crush on my co-worker, well not really a crush. The word crush is so overrated now a days. She‘s more of an eye candy. I’m pretty sure most of you have one or two at your job(s). But back to her, she’s the type to make me want to start conversations with her just because, or eat healthy just because she does. Her smile makes the work day a lot better. Mondays are now TGI Mondays, Tuesdays are Fun days, and Fridays are Sad days, all because of this one person. I was always told not to “fish” in a company pond, and off course I broke the rules on many occasions and it has always been a disaster. But who cares I brought myself a new fishing pole and I was ready to fish in that same pond.

I even went to the mall to get new work clothes; my work clothes were getting a little boring. I brought the best of the best. I was even more enthusiastic about my assignments; I had to show her that I was very capable of doing almost anything at my job and more importantly great at it. Then out of nowhere, something caught my eye, she had some weird looking jewelry on her left ring finger. Someone at my job asked her about it; and with excitement, she announced ” I just became engaged to my boyfriend of ten years”. I thought to myself “damn, so much for my excitement” then everything came crushing down.

But at the end of the day, I probably wasn’t going to take that route anyway (I know, I’m probably just saying that…haha). The race was over between all the guys there, it was no longer in commission. So for the meantime, I’ll focus on being one of the best co workers she can possibly have. I will make it my duty to make her experience here worthwhile. As far as being to work on time and not calling out, I guess it’s back to the good ole days. I might even call out tomorrow, who knows. But it’s not all bad news, at least I have an eye candy to look at and it would still be cool to be able to catch her smiles on a regular basis. ; )

Marckens P.