In the past, judging has always been a favorite activity for me. It’s even part of my INFJ (j=judging) Myers Briggs personality type. I always thought things belonged in boxes. Black and white. Right and wrong. Bad and good. Judging my surroundings, other people, but mostly myself was a daily occurrence. I used judgement for many reasons: self-punishment, habit, to falsely feel close to another, to feel “better” about myself, to justify my behaviour….you get the picture.
The last few years, I’ve relaxed into accepting that almost everything is on a gray scale. Things don’t need to be judged to be valid or to prove they exist. Sometimes things aren’t right or wrong. They just ARE. Judgement of self and others creates suffocation and takes away the possibility of expansion and true love. I’ve learned the more I love myself, the less I choose to judge myself, the less I feel the need to judge others. This tells me on a vibrational and energetic level that the antithesis of judgement is love, in every and any form. (Although, love is the answer to 99% of my questions. Chocolate may be the answer to the remaining 1%).  As Krail has taught me over the last several years, a need to judge is a need to have a sense of control, which is really all just an illusion, after all.
I’ve been releasing the need to judge others and slowly been letting go of judging myself. What better way, than, for the Universe to really ensure that I learn this lesson and embrace letting go of judgement than to go through a divorce. It’s been interesting hearing what is being said, how things are being judged, and I’ve kept telling myself, what other people think of me is not my business. (Thank you Byron Katie). And, it also provides an opportunity for me to re-define and declare what I know to be true about me, no matter what another may think. It extends the offer of letting go of external validation as a need for self-approval. It provides me with a bird’s eye view of how it feels to be on the end of judgement and reminds me of why I decided to let go of judging.
It’s a journey. Things like this always are. But, no matter what is said, no matter what is deemed bad, ugly or evil by another, I have, in this very moment, a choice. And, I choose love.

Love for self, love for my ex, love for those who may judge (including myself!) and love for the brokenness that causes the need to judge.

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours in the only path”

-Paul Coelho

With Love,

Niki

Words matter. I’ve been having some interesting conversations based on this idea recently. Is it what you say or how you say it? Or, what you mean to say? What’s the real communication that ultimately matters or gets translated?

I love language, words, the creativity and endless way that combining them lets you tell a story or communicate something you want to express. And, I believe that words ABSOLUTELY matter. I find it frustrating that our language has gotten so diluted that even the phrase “I love you” doesn’t seem to hold much weight. It now needs qualifiers and extra words to express the depth of the emotion that is LOVE. Thinking of words makes me think of Don Miguel Ruiz and his Four Agreements: one of which is “Be Impeccable With Your Word”. I think of this to mean “align your intention and your language”.

How many times do we say “yes” when we’d really like to say “no”? How many times do we use superfluous words to hide our authenticity behind our language? How many times do we hold back the words our hearts are screaming out for us to say?

This seems so basic; even my dog understands the union of language and intention. When I say “come here!” and I’m angry, he ignores me. When I say “come here!” and he senses my intention of energetic attraction, he RUNS to me. However basic this is, we all seem to forget that intention and language work best together.

Understanding that words hold different meaning for different people, I think what is Universal is the understanding that comes with the authentic combination of intention (energy) and language. So, figure out what your words mean to you. Say them with integrity, intention, awareness. I believe that if we were to align these two beautiful ways of communicating, many of us would feel more understood. Language would not be diluted and confusing, and intention would not be lost behind language.

Today I choose to align my language and my intention. I’ll say what I mean and mean what I say. I’ll own my words. I’ll own my intention. I invite you to do the same.

Namaste,
Niki

This week I have been contemplating transparency and authenticity within the context of friendship. My past contains many friendships that I prided myself in “earning”. I am here today to tell you that I’m letting this pattern go. And, for all you women out there who cling to having to earn your love, listen up.

After years of self-work, I am finally at a place in my life where I am realizing that I am enough, just as I am. I am lovable and completely deserving of friendship and human relationships that are based on transparency and authenticity. I no longer need to find people who have bound themselves up with emotionally impenetrable walls so that I can chip away at them with the hope of getting a glimpse of the true inner part of them. I now love myself too much to believe that I must earn love by being patient, sticking with it, or trying to win a heart. This is reflected in my every day life…these last few months/years I have been surrounded by people in my life who are willing to share, be authentic and transparent…all because they want to be present with me. NOT because I persisted enough. Not because I was self-sacrificing enough. These people are a reflection of the self-love I am embracing.

I thank the people in my life who have been open and loving with me. Who see me for who I am and find value in that. Yours are the relationships that I will nurture and embrace. I also thank the people who have been difficult. The ones who had walls so high I was never able to tear them down…because it was through those walls that I was able to see my own reflection. I lay down my axe…those walls can stay. May you be able to find authenticity and peace in your own way. May the shadows of your fears find light and free you.

As for me, my new pattern is embracing my own soul, my own authentic way of loving and sharing it with those who are happy to receive.

I am just finishing up my Master’s degree in Nursing. It’s an accomplishment I’ve been working on for many years. I thought when it was all over, I’d feel relief. Instead? I fell into depression.

One of the requirements of the degree is to either do a thesis or a clinical manuscript. About a year ago, I started working on choosing a chair and committee members to help me with this project. The three women I ended up working with have changed my life forever. I thought the paper would be a big challenge and headache. Instead, I found it to be the most rewarding part of my schooling thus far. The process of learning, expanding, and being with these women who see me for who I am completely and encourage it to the fullest, has been some of the most intense joy I have ever experienced. On April 1st, I successfully defended my project and went home feeling loved and successful. The following hours, days and weeks have been tough. It felt like falling from the highest mountain into uncertainty. Vulnerable and scared, I sought help from a friend.
I was told that the fear I was experiencing was that this journey is over…and that the truth is that it is just beginning. I found a passion in a completely unexpected place and there is no going back. That was good news! And, it resounded.
I have learned so much about academics, nursing, and life in this process.  But, some of the most important lessons I’ve learned are these:
-There is no reason to avoid success or loving moments. It turns out, the more you open your life to these, the more those moments come. There is abundance waiting for you in every moment. Are you ready for it?
-Success comes most easily when you do what you love and care about. I wrote my paper about a very important topic in my life and it’s the best work I’ve ever done. (I now know, I’ll have many more successful projects..this is not a one-hit wonder, people!)
-When you surround yourself with people you aspire to be like, and who appreciate you for who you are, it creates a space to love yourself more fully. Sometimes I forget what magic is waiting for me when I allow myself to be loved for ME!
-There is no reason to doubt your ability to fulfill your dreams. Anything is possible. I’m now considering doing my doctorate. And, if you would have asked me 6 months ago if I felt like I was capable of doing it, I would have looked blankly at you. Well, today I totally believe I can do it if I choose to.
-There is love to be found, always.
-Sometimes soul family is found in unexpected places.

I am thankful for my experiences. And, I trust there will be many more. I am offering myself up to God/Goddess/Universe to take me for a ride…one that will fulfill me to the highest degree possible over and over again.

What a gift I have been given…

I’ve been contemplating gratitude. I think it is severely underutilized in our society. By “our society”….I mean, my life. Your life. Let’s be honest: I’m talking about myself.

The other day I was walking Cooper, our French Bulldog. The sun was out (it was close to setting), there was a slight breeze, and I had my headphones on. I found myself feeling grateful. My senses were filled with love and light and THANKFULNESS. The slight breeze on my cheeks felt like a soft kiss from heaven. The music was beautiful and provided a good soundtrack for my steps. The sun was out and there was light everywhere. I watched my sweet puppy on the other end of the leash just living in moment. My soul stirred.

I began to realize how good TRUE gratitude feels. Too often I say things like “I’m so glad it wasn’t worse” or “I’m so grateful my cold is almost over”. This is not living in the “is-ness” of gratitude. This is a negating, lower vibrating kind of gratitude that isn’t gratitude at all. “I’m so thankful to be in this moment because in 5 mins I have to go do homework” is NOT being in the “is-ness” of the moment. “I am LOVING this moment. In this moment, I am finding perfection. It feels good to be right here, right now.” IS the IS-NESS of gratitude.

One of my new goals is to spend more moments in the IS-NESS of gratitude. I have a feeling I’ll be a much happier person and that it will only cause me to find many more moments to be able to live in the pure, beautiful, joyful state of gratitude.

I am thankful.

Namaste,

Niki

This Christmas is a little different for me. As I am low on funds due to circumstances in my personal life, I have not spent time and energy buying gifts. It’s actually taught me a few things…

While I love the exchange of gifts at Christmastime, there is something bigger that sometimes does not get tapped into by most of us. I’ve been tapping into it: myself. My spirituality. My relationship with myself, my god, my friends and family.

What does my life mean to me? I’ve allowed myself to slow down a little this season. In the spaces between the bustle, I’m finding myself. I’m finding that my mind is contemplating what gives me meaning. While I anticipate spending time with my family and dear friends this season, I think of those who have passed that I wish I could hold and love. I think of the people who have left my life for various reasons: painful goodbyes, geographical movements…I find a desire to hold close all that is dear to me, both past and present.

In these moments, I find my higher self reminds me: no need to wish you could love those who have passed….LOVE THEM! Instead of being sad and regretting the loss of family/friends who are no longer a part of your journey, honor them for the lessons they helped you learn. Even my dark angel who hurt me the most, was a catalyst to exponential personal growth and finding the love of my life.

Fear threatens me with feelings of loneliness at times. This season will soon be over; what is next? Learning to live in the present moment is a gift I’m giving myself. Enjoying the snuggles with my puppy, the warm embrace of my Beloved. The laughter with friends, the children who bring joy to my life. Those moments that remind me why I chose to get up each day. That’s the gift I’m taking with me this year.

To all those who are in my life: I honor you. I thank you for the lessons you give me. Sometimes it’s through absolute love, sometimes the lessons are through pain, but I’m learning them nonetheless. And, the lesson I’m learning the most is that at my core….there is LOVE. Sometimes it gets covered up with fear, with ego, with things that don’t matter…and I’m learning to let those illusions go, one moment at a time. But, in the stillness of this season….I’m finding that the love I have in my own soul…for myself, for others… is the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself.

Today I spent some time contemplating the people/schools of thought who have been inspirational to me in learning to live the life I want to live. The authentic, responsible, joy and love-filled life I want to live. It’s a journey, and I am faced with challenges…er…growth opportunities, everyday. I decided I wanted to share some of the items in my tool box with you:

Byron Katie has been an inspiration with her “what would you life be without your story” way of living. I watched a clip again today that brought tears to my eyes: “I want the cancer to stop growing“.

Louise Hay, who has taught me that I can heal my own life. Using affirmations,  each one of us can drastically change our lives. It’s amazing all the negative things that go through our heads without realizing it. When we replace those negative thoughts with positive affirmations, we begin to love ourselves and others in a new and healthy way.

Don Miguel Ruiz, who’s book “The Four Agreements” gave me tools to live a freer life, learning to take responsibility for my own journey.

The Keirsey Temperament sorter has been a huge help to me in understanding myself and those around me. It’s been a big hobby of mine for years.

Terra and Krail, dear friends of mine, have been teaching me on a much more personal level for years. The empowerment class I attend every Wed night has become my church. My safe-haven to explore my ideas and experience and raise my vibration to a new level. Always learning something new. And, sometimes old lessons need new reminders as well.

And, Amy Rootvik, who’s blog used to be more about wine but has changed more in to a personal growth blog recently. She inspires me as a teacher, friend, lover, and playmate. She has taught me so very much.

This is just an introduction to my tool box. There is so much more. But, the basic lesson behind all of these messages, is LOVE. Love is the answer to every question. Understanding we are ONE ….I am you, you are me, we are them, they are us….there is sacredness in our humanity and in our divinity.

Namaste, Niki

Happy Mother’s Day to all. As this beautiful, sunny morning shines on my soul today, I think of what Mother means to me. The sacrifices and love of my own mother. The way she’s been my #1 fan all my life. The little things she did over the years for me that I took for granted. The way she has changed, the way I love her in my inner-most part. I think of how my Mother is missing her own mother today. My amazing Grandma. The way spring flowers emit the fragrance of her soul. She is a part of me. I am a part of her. I get to hug and kiss my mother today. My mother doesn’t get to hug her mother today. I’ve learned that no matter how old a person gets, one always needs the love of their mother.

My aunt, Joylin, who never had children and who passed away before her mother. My grandma, having to bear all those years without one of her daughters. The way my own mother had to deal with the loss of her sister and help her mother deal with the loss she felt as well. My aunt Joylin. If she was here today, all the things I’d say. All the things I wouldn’t say and just simply BE with her.

I think of my own sister. I watch her with her beautiful children. How I feel connected to her through many beautiful ties. One day she will be the old woman, and perhaps these young beautiful children she now has will bring her grandchildren by to sit on Grandma’s lap for Mothers day.

My own possibility of motherhood. How that beautiful journey could awaken a part of my soul not otherwise known.

Mothers day is full of love and possibilities. It’s full of hope. And of aching for loved ones passed before us. It grounds me to my past. It makes me realize that these beautiful women in my life, even those who now only whisper to me in my dreams, share a common ground: love.

To the beautiful women who remind me of my heritage, who keep me moving forward for hope for the future moments of love and who teach me that the present moment is the most powerful of all….

I love you.

Watching the wind blow dust and our town around like it’s a big playground, I think of chasing. Chasing the things I want in my life that keep eluding me. Are these things attainable or is it as useless as chasing the wind? How can I tell the difference? Are my dreams and desires something waiting just around the corner? Am I living them now, but too disoriented to see them? Or are they in the wind’s playground. Always just out of reach?
Is faith the only determinate?

I was walking down the hallway of the hospital today. Just finished my shift…I saw a woman being wheeled into the emergency room from radiology on a stretcher. I made eye contact and smiled. She gave me the most amazing smile. Really engaging. I was instantly touched. This woman…was she in pain? What was wrong with her? Did she have a bad prognosis? This I will never know, but I do know that despite whatever was going on with her health, she shared a moment with a stranger. A loving moment that made me want to pay it forward. Thank God for strangers who show me what it is like to live in a world where peace can always be found amidst the chaos of our lives.