Seriously??... Reeeally?... Seriously?

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT...

2012-02-27T00:08:00.000-05:00

Drink half a 1.5 Litre bottle of Riesling wine all by yourself while your better half goes and plays Ultimate Frisbee. (Dad, I blame you for the leftover wine. Next time, it goes home with you!!) Then challenge him to a trash-talking board game, upon his return. Good things can never come of such events. Consider yourself warned, and no, you get no photographic evidence. Though, I may have

The Perfect Outfit

2012-02-25T22:44:00.000-05:00

Ever wearing a perfectly comfortable sports bra and pair of Great Dane drool-covered knock off Lulu Lemon likely should have been washed two days ago yoga pants and think to yourself: SELF: "You know what self? I feel too... I dunno... free in these pants. I feel as if something is missing." You ponder this for a moment and then eventually come to the realization that what you are lacking

Oh Shit.

2012-02-21T23:31:00.000-05:00

Do you ever do that thing? You know, that thing where you're kind of unaware and then that thing starts happening? For me it started innocently enough. I traded my old impala in for a nice, compact, fuel-efficient car. (points for better gas mileage and environmental consideration). Fast forward about 3.5 years and I'm in the new (okay, 2006) compact car. After running to various flower shops,

Crying over?

2012-02-17T11:39:00.000-05:00

Just to clarify - I can still cry if I spill soy milk, right? I mean, it easily makes just as much a mess as dairy milk. And I think it costs more. And the soy milk totally got into someone else's smartphone wall charger cord. *Proceeds to cry over spilled milk and lack of hand-eye coordination* __________

I had Mike Weir for Valentine's Day

2012-02-15T18:40:00.000-05:00

Yup, that's right. I got to TASTE HIM. He was surprisingly dry. But I drank him all in. Oh, you guys are disgusting. I meant his sparkling wine, jizz jeez. He fizzed all in my mouth. Also? The dim lighting made me look better to the New Husband. Probably. When we saw the sign for this Italian restaurant (highly recommended by a fellow in the Williams Sonoma store), we expected shag

Things that piss me off

2012-02-10T15:10:00.000-05:00

For no good reason, in no particular order, my list. The antithesis of 1,000 awesome things (both shorter AND completely negative): My propensity for injury in ANY given situation Fashion magazines and/or Photoshopping women's bodies to completely unrealistic or unhealthy standards Wet, heavy snow that causes a full body sweat to shovel Constipation Diarrhea (you know - wet, heavy poo that

I Have Nothing To Say

2012-02-08T23:03:00.000-05:00

Just so we're clear. Nothing to say. Nothing at all to say *shifts eyes left to right*. So we're good then? Okay. ___________

Rock Band Is My Bitch

2012-02-05T02:45:00.002-05:00

Like any youthful, popular, savvy, connected young married woman in her 30s, I am: sitting home alone on a Saturday night in my pajamas playing Rock Band 3 in the freezing cold basement (while the puppy tries to sleep and block out my voice in her head) all by myself (besides the dogs) with a laundry room full of clean cloth items an upstairs hallway filled with piles of give away blankets and

Letter to my then-Feyoncé™, now The New Husband AKA the Former Feyoncé™

2012-02-01T22:31:00.001-05:00

As a start to our wedding ceremony, the wedding officiant asked me and The New Husband AKA the Former Feyoncé™ to secretly write letters to each other, and not share them, and she would read them aloud. I want everyone to know how I feel about him, so dammit, I'm posting it on the blog. I need some love and positivity right now, so here it is: ~~~~~~~~ Dearest [Name Redacted to Protect The

He's Home!!!

2012-01-30T14:16:00.000-05:00

After 36 hours of doggy hospitalization, our baby is home! Our wallets are much lighter, but then again, so are our hearts. "I iz so teyered and sad. Mum n Dad left me at the noizy, smelly playce for 36 ourz. I iz gonna nap nao." So happy to see him joyfully eating snow off the side patio table, without a care in the world. Now I just have to medicate and monitor him for the next 6 days,

Canadian? Wanna play a game?

2012-01-29T19:07:00.001-05:00

In light of some bad news at home here, I am distracting myself by playing an online spin to win game. Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with my last post, but will appear to be shilling out Shopper's Drug Mart when, in fact, they've done nothing but take my money hand over fist for the last 30 years. Anyway, here's the link: PLAY THE GAME HERE, YO! Contest closes tomorrow. You basically

Hair Washing 101

2012-01-24T21:17:00.001-05:00

I just read an article in "Glow" Magazine (the magazine that Shoppers Drug Mart puts out with the odd article, essentially just showcasing all the shit they want you to buy at Shoppers Drug Mart) saying in winter it is best to wash your hair twice a week. Twice a week? First of all, not gonna sell a lot of shampoo that way, Shoppers! Then I got thinking.... I just had to blow a good chunk of

My feet are menstruating. More details to follow...

2012-01-22T14:10:00.000-05:00

Trust me, there is a story here. Just can't tell it now... tune in tomorrow!!

The Smartest F_cking Squirrel - EVER.

2012-01-19T16:02:00.000-05:00

On many an evening walk, I noticed this small skunk that hangs around a nearby school. He always lurks in the darkness, and me and the dog always beeline it to the other side of the boulevard/street/parking lot/postal code to avoid the stinkrafuge that his angry butt could potentially unleash upon my dog's face. Then, one miraculous day, I walked the dog in the daylight. And damned if I didn't

Luggage Carousel Gold Mine

2012-01-17T14:27:00.001-05:00

I was so desperately wishing that: This would have been tagged with a fluorescent orange Air Canada "priority baggage" tag, stuck somewhere. Anywhere. Someone came running back to the luggage carousel, out of breath, exclaiming "THERE they are!!" That I could have temporarily ignored my disdain for germs and run to the carousel, shouting back at The New Husband AKA the Former Feyoncé™, "Honey,

Goddammit, orange juice, people!

2012-01-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

Just for the record, orange juice should be sipped and savoured. Not gulped. Not chugged. If it has pulp (which it should), you should be chewing that shit, making the beverage last even longer. Don't even try to deny it. If you buy pulp-free, I don't think we can be internet friends any more (subject to review). I almost broke up with the then-BF when he happily returned from the store with

Honeymoon Travel From Hell - Part 3

2012-01-11T14:27:00.000-05:00

So... if you are new to the blog, or need a refresher, you can find Post #1 here, and then Post #2 here. The way it was supposed to be: - Plane #1 Toronto - Heathrow, London, England (Day 1) - Plane #2 Heathrow - Columbo, Sri Lanka (Day 1-2) - Plane #3 Columbo, Sri Lanka - Male, Maldives (Day 2) - Plane #4 Male, Maldives - Maldivian Resort (sea plane ride) (Day 2) We arrived at Heathrow in

I'M STILL ALIVE

2012-01-10T00:45:00.000-05:00

I'm just really non creative and have tried to be productive offline. (Productivity includes eating. Lots. Just FYI). In light of my last post, we are considering buying a treadmill, spinning bike, and cancelling my gym membership... It's funny how sometimes I have a ton of post ideas, then a complete and utter dry spell. Plus, I have no working camera, which slows me down. And I am too lazy

New Year Bullshit Begins

2012-01-03T16:48:00.000-05:00

Listen. Closely. Can you hear it? Everywhere, in bathrooms all over the globe, people are studiously picking up and plucking dental floss from it's dust-covered station in the bathroom, last touched when it was handed free to you at your dentist's office. Resolve to floss! Can you smell it? Just flare your nostrils ever so slightly. Yoga classes from here to every uptight yoga studio, from

Awesome things to come home to after holiday travelling

2011-12-30T01:23:00.001-05:00

In no particular order: - A 15 degree C house - Not a single voicemail message, and ONLY ONE MISSED CALL - Aforementioned call being from a telemarketer - An extreme terror of touching any and all surfaces following a full viewing of the movie "Contagion" on the airplane ride home - A hangover/raging headache from nine shots of vodka in the Air Canada Maple Leaf Lounge to calm your pre-flight

Laugh for the day (Stolen from Dry Humor Daily)

2011-12-23T14:09:00.000-05:00

The original post is back here at Dry Humor Daily (you should add him to your list, he always has funny stuff up). Cole always makes me laugh. His Chuck Norris calling and Poor T Rex posts also had my laughing hysterically last night. Here ya go, a reason to smile today: I will NOT make a joke about fisting, people. This is a MUPPET, for Jebus' sake! Happy December 23rd! _____________

When did hot Gavin Rossdale turn into Coach from Survivor?!?!

2011-12-19T15:10:00.000-05:00

In light of a recent BUSH music video, I was both stunned and horrified to learn that my original first boyfriend (and likely first Husband, if Gwen Stefani hadn't gotten in the way) Gavin Rossdale has somehow morphed into a replica Coach from the reality television show "Survivor". WTF? Seriously? Reeeally?? This is what he used to look like, back in his hotness heyday (I don't want to do the

"Roast Drippings" = Turkey Bath Water

2011-12-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

I just saw a commercial for Turkey gravy additive. All you do is use the Club House mix and "add in roast drippings". BLECH. All the fat and hunks of fatty flesh just plop out of the turkey pan into the gravy boat. All I can imagine is the dirty bath water after the turkey's been in there for a while. It's leg hairs from shaving. The remnants of it's bath fizz. A few errant feathers (you know

Grocery Tips From A Loser

2011-12-14T00:04:00.000-05:00

I learned a few things tonight, regarding grocery shopping. None of them have to do with the fact that I think I used that comma incorrectly, but I just figured I'd mention it. When shopping for groceries, follow these handy tips to help you on your journey: 1. If you are the type to become mildly weepy for no apparent reason, or become weepy at the sound of Christmas music, bring an MP3

Embarrassing Admission - Dec. 12, 2011

2011-12-10T00:48:00.000-05:00

I have a complete and utter irrational fear of running out of tomatoes at our house. We use them on pizza, in sandwiches, and I sometimes cook them in my eggs. I'm not some Italian chef who requires them to sustain my livelihood. But as soon as we get down to, like, only TWO tomatoes, I start to panic that I WILL NOT HAVE A TOMATO IN MY TIME OF TOMATO NEED. Whenever that will be. Oh - we also