Seriously??... Reeeally?... Seriously?

My Labour Story: Part One... No, I didn't pee myself, thanks.

2013-06-09T16:21:00.003-04:00

I had been feeling overly sleepy all day. Had meant to Skype with a friend from Ontario, and ended up falling asleep in a chair a few times. I had finally cleaned up the miscellaneous items and boxes that were at the side of my bed since our move in February, and it took all the energy I had. I was 36 weeks pregnant that Friday. Babies are considered full term from 37 to 40 weeks. I ended up

I Birthed, Yo.

2013-06-03T02:15:00.001-04:00

I have about 3.4 seconds to write this post, but wanted to update y'all. I gave birth to a beautiful, wonderful, snuggly, amazing little girl in the wee hours of May 26, which was 4 weeks early. It was a terrifying, painful, amazing thing. I will post a shizz ton of detail in the future, but wanted to sum that up now. She shall be called "Baby D" from here on in. I look forward to sleep

Cracking, Breaking, Broken.

2013-05-02T16:03:00.001-04:00

For once, I am not referring to myself. WHOA. I know. I've been sucking fairly heartily at posting on the regular... and I'm guessing I will get no better. That being said, I've been trying to do things in real life, outside of the internet, once more. It's a mad, mad world, I tell ya. Running errands, buying stuff for the house, trying to unpack and organize, and trying to do extreme sports

Fisting: Now with more strawberry!

2013-04-24T18:42:00.001-04:00

We've all seen it at one point or another. Don't try to deny it. Sitting, or standing, watching in awe. That something SO LARGE could fit into such a small opening. It's astounding. It can be revolting, but it's mostly a marvel. I feel embarassed to admit it, but this time, after I saw it, I was actually drawn to it. I was nearly salivating because I wanted it so badly. It was huge and

Ways Depression Can Save YOU Money! 1st Edition

2013-04-11T03:56:00.001-04:00

[Quick edit: I am making light of something fairly dark here, but I am talking about the apathetic kind of depression... if you are in danger, crisis, you need help, or you need to talk to someone, please go HERE for Canadian support, or click HERE for options in the USA.] You know, tears, sadness, hopelessness and helplessness aside, depression can provide some upsides. It's just really hard

Things No One Told Me About Pregnancy

2013-04-02T04:50:00.000-04:00

I feel like all the mothers out there secretly snicker to themselves when they see one of us "newbies" coming along. Some mothers aren't even secretive about it, but I can identify the smirk that falls upon their mouths when I share that I am pregnant for the first time. I KNEW it would be uncomfortable. I KNEW it would be hard. But I THOUGHT it would be glowy, and maybe a teensy bit softly

Angry Meter Maid is Angry...

2013-03-26T16:29:00.002-04:00

Bwahahaha, someone posted this on Facebook and I had to share it. I've used old tickets on a whim and a prayer when totally out of change before... and once I turned an old ticket upside down (I got busted for that one and got a $45 ticket). But this... THIS IS BRILLIANCE, and worth the ticket: How much time you willing to spend, hmmmmmmm? I want to be a troll when if I grow up. __

Sh*t My Husband Says

2013-03-12T05:38:00.000-04:00

No word of a lie. Today, I missed catching the garbage truck. My hubs always collects and puts out the garbage and recycling (sometimes I assist), but I got up later than planned and couldn't throw out my moldy, rotted flowers in with the trash. So I improvised. We have this high-falutin' food chewer-and-spitter-upper in the sink in our new place. It's called an InSinkErator, or garburator,

Tinfoil Security AKA Batsh*t Crazy

2013-03-07T00:43:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I have ever mentioned it, but I am educated in architecture. I took architectural history courses, but still couldn't tell you the difference between the Pantheon and the Parthenon. Shit like that comes in handy when playing trivia board games. Or, at least I assume it does, but I didn't retain the knowledge either way. I always wanted to be in something construction related. My

I Moved, I Saw, I Have Not Yet Conquered...

2013-02-27T05:18:00.004-05:00

I have been utterly absorbed in my move. Life has revolved around packing tape, cardboard boxes, lost utility knives, and furniture assembly. Throw in a little falling-down-the-stairs action and chasing-the-dog-up-slippery-rocks-while-too-pregnant action, and you've got yourself my existence since the start of February. I had sort of felt invigorated and ready to write lots again after you

Defcon Level Food Whore

2013-02-05T15:37:00.000-05:00

I had been trying to deny it for some time. I hadn't looked my situation on, straight in the face. Unless said face had mashed potatoes dripping from its chin. Or maybe some milkshake. OR BOTH. For years, as many of you already know, I've struggled with horrific nausea. I can't eat wheat without rotten consequences and Guinness-book world record level bloating. Dairy sometimes hits the "undo"

Random Adorableness

2013-01-30T04:23:00.001-05:00

I was reading Hollywood Gossip the other day, and I actually may have squealed. Very loudly. Very, very loudly. "Oh. HAI." (Image Via The Hollywood Gossip) This thing is called a Quokka according to the article, and it looks totally Photoshopped. It was just so damn cute, I had to share it. It actually looks like it is smiling. The cute little buggers are considered "vulnerable" and

Lost: My Touch

2013-01-27T17:37:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking about what the hell to write about on here for the past few weeks. I remember back in the day, being selfishly disappointed when a favourite blogger announced they were knocked up and were either: A) Starting a new, separate mommy blog; B) Starting a new, separate mommy blog while poorly and sporadically updating their wonderful/funny/expletive-laden current blog; C)

Walnut Pelvis

2013-01-20T22:06:00.004-05:00

Is it just me, or do cracked walnuts look eerily like the human pelvis/pelvic bone? Seriously. Apparently a sideways pelvis at that. Once the connection was made in my mind, it somehow felt wrong crunching and chewing it up. What's that? It IS just me? Okay, fine then. _______

First Trimester Survival Guide & Tips: Crazy Style

2013-01-11T01:39:00.001-05:00

A few tips on your first pregnancy semester trimester, from a terrified, uncertain, sickly seasoned pregnant crazy lady: [NOTE: First photo is slightly NSFW] Get used to resting. That full flight of stairs? HAHAHAHA. That apple you were going to slice? Think again. All your human power will be sent to fuel your fetus. Brace yourself for insomnia. Especially if you go through

LCBO and BC Liquor Facing Bankruptcy

2013-01-04T19:06:00.000-05:00

Sales have deteriorated at an alarming pace, most notably the first week of October 2012, onward. Analysts have surmised that the healthy lifestyle of BC may be to blame, whereas others pontificate that bootleg liquor and moonshine may be affecting legal sales. The reality? I stopped drinking in October because I'm knocked up. Phew! Feels good to get that out there. At least now I know

Delicious Drool

2012-12-27T16:09:00.001-05:00

This happened about 10 minutes ago. Pretty gross, and I haven't even been able to eat yet today. Thanks, dogs. Gross: My great dane, Schultz, just shook his head heartily from across the room. A big, long goobery drool flew off and landed on my hubs' laptop lid. Grosser: I realized all the dog spit cloths are in the dryer, so I looked at it for a second, but didn't wipe it up. The kleenex

Air Canada and Passenger Fu

2012-12-23T14:33:00.000-05:00

Recently heard on the loudspeaker, while waiting to board Air Canada Flight 033 departing Toronto, Ontario, bound for Vancouver, BC: "Paging passenger Fu." *silence* "Air Canada paging passenger Fu... passenger Fu..." *pause* "EFF YOU" *I laugh heartily out loud, and the speaker system flicks off* 'Tis the season and all. _______________

Elvis & The Vancouver Christmas Market 2012

2012-12-10T02:05:00.000-05:00

Go ahead. I can feel you judging me from there already. I can practically hear you snickering at the assertion I'm making in the title of this post. But it's true. I really did leave the house and go to the 2012 Vancouver Christmas Market. I know, I realize it's shocking. It required me to both change out of my pajamas AND brush my teeth in the same hour. It was utterly exhausting. But

$400 off a kitchen appliance? Me, break nice things?

2012-11-28T17:48:00.004-05:00

Yeah. Skimming through the Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales was relatively disappointing. But I can tell you, with certainty, the one phrase that will make me click away faster than a dog caught looking at cat porn on its owner's laptop. The phrase: "Save $400 on the _______________ for your kitchen! Today only!" Da Fahq? Rule #1: If you are SAVING $400, you are going to have to bleed to

Dear Insomnia:

2012-11-23T09:45:00.001-05:00

Dear Insomnia: Piss off. Love, Me ___________

Wedding Wire is full of shyte.

2012-11-19T17:34:00.000-05:00

So, when I was a stressed out bride, I was searching all over the place trying to find reputable, real-person reviews of hair and make-up places, DJs, etc., so I could get the real scoop on services out there. The best review is an honest one, so that is what I sought out. There are a few websites that claim to offer real reviews on vendors, DJs, caterers, hair stylists and make-up artists

The Semi-Annual Clean: Doggy Detection

2012-11-15T00:10:00.000-05:00

So... I hate our rental house. I know we are lucky to have it, the yard is huge, and we had no other options for a place to live. I get that. I should be thanking my lucky stars. Though I don't know if I actually own lucky stars, and if I do, which box they were packed in from Ontario, but I digress. The house smells. And it's grungy. And it's got some serious structural problems and is

Record Breaking

2012-11-03T01:32:00.001-04:00

Now that I have your attention... I feel like I should be posting more often, but my heart is just not in it. Surprisingly, I shattered my page view statistics in the month of October even though I've been a slacker. I wondered why the display had changed when I viewed my stats, and I realized it was because I had surpassed 10,000 views last month. One month. 10,000. Those stats are

OMG, That Was Unexpected, "Anon"

2012-10-26T17:50:00.000-04:00

So, as a blogger, I suppose it's expected that we should anticipate hateful comments and personal slags online. I was actually surprised that the first two comments, left by the same "Anonymous" commenter (all in caps, of course, because I suppose they were yelling at me), threatened me and implied I should die and that I am a piece of shit. Okay, sure. Though I don't think I leave brown