The Ex Files

When your date asks you out, he wants to know all about you. He doesn’t want to hear about your ex’s. Yes, they are a part of who you are. But you don’t need to speak about them on a date. How would you feel if you went on a date with a guy who talked about all of his ex’s? I know I wouldn’t want to go out with him again!

Money

Money is something that should never be brought up on a first date or in the beginning of the relationship. Asking a man how much money he makes is sure to scare him away. Likewise, talking about your salary isn’t a good idea either. Money is a bit of an awkward subject, so it’s wise to avoid it completely.

The Future

Women are future thinkers. We love to plan and talk about what’s going to happen in years to come. I know I love to daydream about where I’m going to live when I move in with my non-existent boyfriend. But I don’t share that with the people that I’m dating. I keep my future thinking to myself, and you should too. Future planning is something that men, not women, should bring up.

Marriage And Children

Most women love the idea of marriage. They can’t wait to get married and start a family. It’s a known fact because it’s how we were programmed. However, there are very few men that wake up each day and tell someone how excited they are to get married and have children. Marriage and having children are two steps that men take, when they feel the time is right. Talking about such things on a first date is likely make a man run in the other direction.

I’m a big believer in not talking very often before you meet. If you spend hours talking on the phone, your conversation in person will be strained. Some people want to find out all the little details about each other before they meet, but that isn’t necessary. Attraction speaks for itself. You can spend 6 hours on the phone every night for a week and think that you will get along great. But if you meet and there’s no attraction, all that phone time will be wasted.

My advice is to keep the talking to a minimum and just meet. It makes it more exciting to find out the intricate details about each other face to face. I also like to put a face to a name. I don’t like hearing someone’s voice and not knowing what they look like.

Don’t be afraid of a blind date. Blind dates are adventurous. Before I go on a date, I don’t believe in having lengthy phone conversations. Sure, I appreciate a phone call to set up the plans, but I make sure to keep it just that. I don’t ask the man how his day was and what he did this past weekend. I find out the time and location and tell him that I’m looking forward to our date. This way, if he isn’t a big talker, I know I have something to ask him in person. If he is a big talker, then you’re connection will be real, and not exist over the phone.

Technology has taken over the world and with email, texting, skype, and blackberry messenger, there’s always a way to communicate without meeting face to face. I suggest being daring and not talking too much before you meet.

Dating is an adventure, not a chore. Sometimes it may seem difficult, and feel like you’ve kissed enough frogs that it’s time for that prince(ss), but keeping a positive attitude will allow you enjoy the experience (and make you more attractive).

It’s easy to plaster on a smile and make it through a date, but having a true joie de vivre is one of the most attractive traits you can possess. Laughing freely, smiling often, and being interested in those around you not only attracts people to you, it allows you to see the silver linings. Even if the date doesn’t work out, you had a good meal, met a new friend, or found a new place to hang out.

I used to be a serial monogamist. I was in three relationships from the time I was 14 until the time I was 24. For ten solid years, I dated three men. I was comfortably happy with the knowledge that no matter what I was working towards in my life, there was always someone back at home, waiting on me to watch our favorite show, or go out and eat our favorite food.

Around the age of 24, I spread my wings and was exhilarated with the new found freedom I had. I joined match.com, I went on double-dates, blind-dates, and flirted with anyone who had a Y chromosome. I think I even looked twice at the guy who checked our energy meter.

This lasted for about a year, and then I was ready to go back inside the cave. Again, I wanted the comfort that a relationship provided. I began to grow frustrated with my attempts to find love again, and as the age of 27 approached, I grew scared that might never happen.

Recently, I found what I thought was “the one.” We had a whirlwind European romance and I traveled the world with my new found companion. It was romantic and lovely, new and exciting, and I hoped it would never end. Eventually, I realized my little tinkerpoo didn’t have any money, a job, or even a car, and came to the sad reality that maybe it wasn’t me he was lusting after at all, but my bank account that had captured his heart. To make a long story short, tinkerpoo was carrying out a double life in England with an ex-girlfriend, which I discovered before almost signing a two year contract to buy my little unemployed lothario an iPhone.

In the depths of my devastation, a close friend said “You have to learn to be alone. You have to give yourself some time to just be ok with you.” I looked at her as if she just told me that she started eating dog food and offered me to try some. I thought this to be a preposterous idea. How many people have justified wasting their lives away with that line?

Yet, through no choice of my own- I did this. Now believe me, I fought with every inch of my might. I sent thinly veiled texts to guys who are only cute after a few ketel and gingers, when the hour glass on my Saturday started to waste away. I accepted dates from guys who I knew were not the ones but “maybe they had cute friends?” I thought. However, there were still those nights that I sat alone, reading my US weekly and contemplating what kind of cats I would get and what breeds would look best, juxtaposed against my plastic-protected floral sofa.

Suddenly, those nights at home didn’t seem so threatening. When I was on a bad date, I didn’t try to extend it just because I didn’t want to go home. When I was on a good date, I didn’t panic every time he looked at his watch. My demeanor changed. Instead of projecting an aura of desperation and hunger, I felt a sense of calm. Knowing, that regardless of whether this person decided to stay or go, I would be just fine either way.

Confidence is so important. It is something that men and women notice. People are drawn to others than are confident. When you walk into a room feeling sure of yourself, heads will turn. Confidence is a quality that makes people more attractive. You could see an average looking person but if they act sure of themselves, they become a lot better looking.

You don’t have to be a supermodel to be confident. You can be an ordinary person and still exude confidence. Even if you don’t feel like a million dollars, find one quality that you like in yourself and remember it. Use it to your advantage to make you feel special.

Fake It

Confidence can exist even if you are feeling insecure. Don’t let your flaws make you feel bad about yourself. Everyone has flaws. All you have to do is look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are great. If you remind yourself often enough, you’ll start to believe it.

Smiling

If you constantly smile, people will think you’re confident. Happy people appear sure of themselves. If you look unhappy and unsure of yourself, people won’t get a confident vibe from you. Always be positive and have good energy and people will be drawn to you.

Having self-confidence is very powerful. No one wants to date an insecure person. Can you imagine being with someone who complains about themselves all the time? That doesn’t sound appealing to me. If you are in touch with your self confidence, it will rub off on other people. Remember, confidence is contagious.

I don’t see too many people in my therapy practice who tell me how wonderful their relationship is, how much passion and fire they have, and how they just can’t get enough of each other. Those people are loved up somewhere in a restaurant, in a park, or in a bedroom - far beyond the confines of my office.

What I do see, however, are those people who find their relationship sapped of its energy. The luster has worn off and they want me to fix it. Like a local witch doctor, they expect to pay me $175 and in return, give them a magical potion which suddenly puts the heat back in their loins, the fire back in their engines, and the twinkle back in their eyes.

When I tell them, I cannot do this, the look of disappointment surfaces. When I tell them that the terms “marriage,” and “relationship” are verbs, they are really disappointed. “You mean we have to do something?” they ask, “we never had to work before, it was never this hard before,” they contend.

In the beginning, we idealize the other person. During the first six months, we are under Mother Nature’s Spell, as I call it. We are biologically hard-wired to think our object of affection is the greatest thing to walk the planet since sliced bread. With every text message, every email, every mention of their name- our brains are immediately flooded with dopamine. Like crack addicts, we become that person, the person who tries to fit in the apple of their eye’s name into every conversation, no matter how loose of a connection (i.e. “oh that’s funny you mentioned your dad, because Brad actually rhymes with that and did I tell you what funny thing Brad did yesterday?). We are basically masturbating in front of our friends and family when we do this, and no one wants to see this.

Yet, after about six months to one year, the shine wears off. What appeared as such a positive trait (he is just so laid back, it seems like nothing gets to him, I really need that in my life), becomes a negative (oh my god he is so freaking lazy, will he ever get off the couch, I can’t have this type of person in my life). We start to respond differently to the other person. No longer, do we hang on every word, providing encouragement and idolization to the other. We roll our eyes, wait for them to finish talking, so we can say what we need. No wonder that the other person starts acting differently- WE are acting differently. Yet every time, each person thinks that somehow it is the other person who has changed.

So what do we do about this conundrum? How do we bring the sparkle back? The answer- be afraid be very afraid. Well, ok sort of. Fear is the answer. According to research, it is fear that is the underlying emotion in passion- the fear of the unknown, the fear that this person might leave at any time, the fear that this person may find someone better. Passion is then, the climax or peak experience, when we are brought close to this object of fear and our needs are gratified in the short term. Think about when you’ve done something really scary and come through the other side. The feeling at the end is a rush, its exhilarating.

My advice to my clients is not to start breeding fear and discontent into their relationships, however. My advice is to become a mystery again. Take up a hobby that you gave up when you two got serious, cultivate your friendships again (and this may be difficult if you pulled a Houdini as soon as you fell in love), start doing things on your own like you did when you were single like going to the movies or a new restaurant. The goal of a relationship is not to become two halves of one whole that complete each other, but two wholes that complement each other.

It’s been happening since 1848. People have migrated out to California for over a hundred years for their own personal gold rush. California is the land of promise, the home of dreamers, a perfect world, where ideal weather meets the beautiful people. Yet, as I sit here, three years later after my own search for gold, I feel something is amiss.

After being a serial monogamist for over ten years in the Midwest with only three different guys and then dating what seems like a thousand different people in the three years I’ve been here in California, I began to wonder “what changed?” I started to evaluate my looks (“maybe my figure is not as good as it once was?”), I started to wonder about my personality (“am I not as fun and spontaneous as I once was?”), and I started comparing myself to other girls out here (“they are much more light and airy, why am I so serious all the time?”). Then came the question- “what if it is not me at all?”

If we consider the typical person that comes out to California, we realize they are not typical at all. You have every homecoming queen that was told she should be in movies. We’ve got every jock who found out the mortgage business wasn’t what it promised to be, and moved out here to parlay their residual ruggedness into a spot on Tool Academy. We’ve got the real estate investors who made way too much money long ago and are used to having the best of everything (including women).

Besides this crowd, the type of person who moves out here wanted something more for their life. So much so, that they were willing to leave friends and family behind to courageously explore a new frontier, hoping for the best life they could possibly have. The person that moves out here, away from what is comfortable, realizes that we only get one shot in life, and for themselves- they don’t want to spend it in Hartford, South Dakota just because that is where they were born.

“So what relevance does this have to the dating scene,” you ask? The answer is “it has TREMENDOUS relevance because the same person who wants a perfect lifestyle, also wants a perfect mate.” In usual circumstances, if a guy meets a girl who is attractive, smart, funny, and outgoing, he thinks “wow I can’t wait to see her again, what a catch!” However, the same guy can meet the same girl in California and he’s going to think “God I love this town, what else is around the corner?”

So what do we newly minted Angelinos do about this quandary? Personally, I’ve decided -I’ll take those lonely Sundays where I long for someone to curl up on the couch with, all amongst a sunny back drop of 70 degrees and endless choices of fun things to do and places to go, than to be married to the same person, trudging through the sludge of bills and babies in sub-zero temperatures with nowhere to go but Bill’s Fish Fry or Wal-Mart.

A best friend
All men want to date someone they can have a conversation with. For a relationship to survive, you must be able to communicate with each other. Who better to communicate with than your best friend?

Sincerity
No one wants to date someone who’s a phony. Fake people are terrible. When men imagine marrying a woman, they want her to be sincere and caring.

Sexyness
All women should try to be sexy. You want your man to be excited when he sees you. The woman should put in the effort to take care of herself and make sure her legs are always shaved. After all, sex is an important part of every relationship.

Intelligence
Brains are sexy. A woman who can impress a man intelligently is a keeper. Think about it, do you want to date someone you can’t have a conversation with? No! So why would a man?

Sense of humor
All men want a woman who can make them laugh. Laughter is appreciated in every culture. For some people, laughter is the key to their heart. So, be funny and help your man fall in love with you.

Nice figure
All men are visual. It’s unfortunate, but true. Men like women who are in good shape. You don’t need to be rail thin and resemble a supermodel, but you should take care of your body.

Comfort
Being comfortable in a relationship is essential. There needs to be a certain comfort level for the relationship to be successful. You shouldn’t go to the bathroom in front of each other, but you should be at ease with each other. Men want to date a woman that they can be themselves around.

Prettyness
Looks are in the eye of the beholder. One man can find a lady beautiful when another man will think she is hideous. That’s the beauty of relationships. There’s one person out there that is meant for someone.

Women aren’t as shallow as men tend to be. We want simpler things out of life. Women want to be in love and be treated like royalty. At the end of the day, we just want to be happy.

Trust
Trust is the most important quality in any relationship. Women can’t be with a man if they don’t trust him. Women are sensitive and get hurt much more often than men. We want a man we can trust with anything. If trust isn’t a major part of the relationship, it will never be able to survive.

Personality
Women need to be able to communicate with their significant others. If the man is boring, talking to him will be very difficult. We need a man who can always entertain us. Women look for men who have great personalities. We know that looks fade but a personality is ever lasting. All women want a man who can make us smile and laugh.

Women are attracted to kind men. Kindness is an important quality. We respect men who have kind hearts. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want him to have a great personality. Someone who is kind and caring will win the key to our heart in no time.

Confidence
Confidence is important because women are drawn to powerful men. They want a man who knows what he’s talking about and can command anyone’s attention. Confident men are sexy. Women aren’t attracted to insecure and wimpy men. They like strong men who portray the part of a hero.

Looks
Everyone appreciates looking at something beautiful. It may be a nice car, a cute dog, or even an amazing pair of shoes. Even though women like looking at nice things, we are not as shallow as men. We are realistic and don’t expect all men to look like supermodels. At the end of the day, his whole package is important.  We want someone who treats us right and is nice to look at.

Check back tomorrow for a follow-up post: The Top Qualities Men Desire In A Woman!