SethMould.net

Pinterest, Kim Reynolds, and QwikR.me

2012-03-04T03:12:00.002Z

I'm very excited about:

Words fail me.

I was introduced to Pinterest by my dear friend Kim Reynolds, who runs QwikR.me

We both have an interest in QR codes.

Kim. Oooh!

I once described her as

"Too bright, too beautiful, too young, and too married."

Her husband is 6 ft 9" and works out at a gym in California.

I like hospital food.

How To Make Money With BT

2012-02-27T14:28:00.002Z

I live with three students who approach me with respect bordering on fear. I had a go at them for not going to the website I set up for us.

"It's not just food, it's S&M food"

Remember that TV ad? The girls like to have Marks & Spencer raspberry jam smeared over their body and licked off. Apparently... What are you looking at me like that for?

One of the students keeps moaning about the internet connection I manage for us.

He told his mum he can't get onto the internet, when in fact he just wants to get rid of lags on Xbox Live.

When you get lag in an Xbox Live shoot-em-up, you have to shoot ahead of your target.

I've suggested he get Clay Pigeon Shooting for Xbox Live, where you have to shoot ahead.

She phoned the landlord, he phoned me...

I agreed to move the router from the barber's below to my bedsit.

Then I bought a new TD-W8960N router (it rocks!).

Edit: 3 Mar 2012: He still wanted to drill holes and run an Ethernet cable, and his Dad can supply the cable. I suggested he borrow my Homeplug, but his mate at college says they halve your speed. I said now was a good time to prove that by borrowing the fucking thing. He reluctantly agreed. Ain't seen it since. And he told me he doesn't use Xbox Live any more, and by the way, his computer equipment is rated over 1Kw. That's about 10p an hour. I'm supposed to put £1 a day in the meter in my room, because the other guys pay £30 for Gas and Water and internet. So if he's on his computer for 6 hours, it leaves me 40p to run the large fridge/freezer (about 80p a day). And lights. And the water pump.

The website where we can discuss things like uncivilized children is:

www.214.Moonfruit.com

His mum is still being deceived; she rang the landlord again because my efforts were just not good enough, it seems. Her precious boy still "can't get on the internet".

Which is odd, because the lights on the router still flash when the girls have gone out and I'm not online. I'm gonna tell him I've changed the password to "imatwat".

BT Infinity
I have another trick up my sleeve.

BT are rolling out BT Infinity to North Bolton Exchange soon. 40Mbps bandwith and usage from 40GB to unlimited.

Once they've sorted out the dodgy copper wiring between your home and the fibre junction box, it could go up to 100Mbps. And we can make money promoting it!

Let's party!

Make money with BT

Disclaimer: I bought BT shares this week!

Did you leave school at 15 Seth?

2012-02-21T23:59:00.000Z

In the 90s, I did an IT contract at Zeneca in Alderley Edge. Very posh. The site had a massive fence around it, a pub, and a Lakeside Restaurant. And a lakeOn my first day I asked where the canteen was. Not a good start. One day, I had roast lamb for lunch with two accountants - Richard and Fiona. The conversation went:

Richard: "... when I did my accountancy degree."
Fiona: "Where was that?"
Richard: "Southampton University. What about you?"
Fiona: "Plymouth Polytech."

Richard: "Er... Seth, did you go to college at all?"
Me: "Yes."
Richard: "What did you study? Plumbing, or..."
Me: "No. PPE."
Richard: "PPE? Is that like PE?"
Me: "No, it's Politics, Philosophy, and Economics."
Richard: "Oh! Which college was that?"
Me: "Magdalen College."
Richard: "Oh, where's that?"
Me: "Oxford."
Richard: "Oh, really..."

Richard: "Fiona, don't you think this lamb's a bit tough?"

Klout yourself

2012-02-14T07:29:00.000Z

Klout is a company that uses social media to measure a user's influence across their social network. You get a Klout score when you join. Before I left, I had a Klout score of K39.

According to Klout, Justin Bieber has more influence than President Barack Obama, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and other people you've never heard of.

The Klout algorithm has been widely criticized. Although a mediocre programmer, I could write better in my sleep.

If you profess to be influential on a Topic, Klout will assess it and maybe approve it. Contacts can confirm it too.

But say nothing for 7 days, and you lose your Topic. I am no longer influential regarding Crosswords. Even though I had a Mango crossword published in The Times Listener series (the granddaddy of crosswords) in the prestigious New Year's Eve edition.

In the United Kingdom, I reckon Klout conflicts with the Data Protection Act 1998. Klout sets up profiles for your social media contacts without their knowledge or permission.

Apparently I have more influence than my beloved hometown of Bolton.

And here's the football results:

Real Madrid.......1 Surreal Madrid........Fish

So now the Premier League looks like this:

Justin Bieber K99
Barack Obama K91
Facebook K83
Stephen Fry K82
the Dalai Lama K81
Seth Mould K39
Official Bolton K12
Michael Jackson K10

When I tried to verify Justin Bieber's score, I got:

502 Bad Gateway

The server returned an invalid or incomplete response.

Sums it up really.

Seth Mould in prison

2012-02-06T21:52:00.002Z

I never thought I would go to prison. When my wife said "I'm divorcing you. Can we still have a shag?" in December 2009 and I left home voluntarily (don't do that, chaps), I went back to see the kids and gradually move stuff out. We were still in love after 19 years.

One day, she had changed the locks, phone number, you name it. I did some terrible things, like forwarding some of her old emails to all her contacts. These were emails between her and an ex lover in 2008. She broke down and told me about them at the time and I said we should carry on.

A harassment case was constructed against me, and every time I went round I ended up in a cell for the night, and the magistrates let me off the next day. Until they refused bail. 5 days in prison.

My cellmate Stuart was a heroin addict well known for being well hard. He stood outside the shower block for me. We talked about fucking off to Cornwall in a caravan.

At the dinner table, I remarked that the butter was all gone. The guy next to me slapped a knifeful onto my plastic plate.

A senior prison officer who had led in-depth counselling with me unlocked our cell and came in. He said "Stuart, you came in with no cash on you, so how are you doing for burn?" Burn means tobacco. Stuart played dead. The prison officer turned to me and said: "You're sharing your ration with him, aren't you?". I played dead.

The prison officer slipped some burn, Rizlas, and matches under Stuart's blankets, looked at me without emotion, and said "You didn't get this from me, right?"

I said "Get what from you?". He smiled and said "You're learning."

Me on YouTube - For Georgie

2012-01-24T11:56:00.003Z

My YouTube Channel - MrSethMould

My loss-makers:
Julie Martin Online Beauty
QRanium QR code marketing

A wonderful person called Georgie got in touch again. She might like these:

God bless you Georgie

Doomsday algorithm

2011-12-30T17:20:00.000Z

The Doomday Algorithm lets you tell a friend what day their birthday is in, say, 2012. Each year has a Doomsday, and for 2012 its day 3, which is Wednesday, because 28th Feb is on a Tuesday, and it's a leap year, so the Doomsday for March onwards is Wednesday. For January, the 31st (the '0th' of Feb) is a Tuesday.

The 4th Apr is the 4th day of the 4th month, a Wednesday, and June, August, October, November, and December work the same:

4/4 = Wednesday
6/6
8/8
10/10
12/12

For the odd months, we remember the (American) phrase "I work 9 to 5 at the 7-11":

9th May
5th Sep

11th Jul
7th Nov

So, your friend says their birthday is 23rd Jul: Doomsday (Wednesday) is 11th, 23 modulo 7 = 5 == -2, 23rd Jul = Monday!

Without modular maths:

11th Jul is a Wednesday, adding 7: 18th, 25th, so 23rd is -2 = Monday

So, your friend says their birthday is 18th Jun:

6/6 is a Wednesday, adding 7: 13th, 20th, so 18th is -2 = Monday

On a bonfire night in Bromley Cross, around 2000, I went in The Sportsman and got chatting to a girl at the bar. She said she was born on bonfire night on a Saturday and I said (after a long time) "Oh, so you're 45?" and she was well not impressed.

Actually, I've realized that she could have been 40 (she looks flattered), 45 (she looks not impressed because I've revealed her age in a bar), or 51 (she looks not impressed because I've overestimated her age in a bar). Also, I didn't move to BX until 1999, so if she was 51, the year I met her must have been 2000, 2006, or 2011.

In 2000, my ex and I were on speaking terms on a new mattress. In 2006, we were on squeaking terms on a rusty mattress. In 2011 I would rather have been on a squeaky mattress with a mistress between mister and mattress.

I always remember my Doomsday (March onwards) in 1956 is Wednesday and it was a leap year. 1957 goes on 1 to Thursday, etc, until the next leap year, when it skips a day. So I was able in those days (my brain wasn't addled) to memorize:

Wed 28 Mar 1945

Thu 28 Mar 1946

Fri 28 Mar 1947

Sun 28 Mar 1948

Mon 28 Mar 1949

Tue 28 Mar 1950

Wed 28 Mar 1951

Fri 28 Mar 1952

Sat 28 Mar 1953

Sun 28 Mar 1954

Mon 28 Mar 1955

Wed 28 Mar 1956

Thu 28 Mar 1957

Fri 28 Mar 1958

Sat 28 Mar 1959

Mon 28 Mar 1960

Now bonfire night for 1956 is My Doomsday - 2 (7th November is a Wednesday), and

Mon 5 Nov 1945

Tue 5 Nov 1946

Wed 5 Nov 1947

Fri 5 Nov 1948

Sat 5 Nov 1949

Sun 5 Nov 1950

Mon 5 Nov 1951

Wed 5 Nov 1952

Thu 5 Nov 1953

Fri 5 Nov 1954

Sat 5 Nov 1955

Mon 5 Nov 1956

Tue 5 Nov 1957

Wed 5 Nov 1958

Thu 5 Nov 1959

Sat 5 Nov 1960

So this girl was 40, 45, or 51. I guessed 45.

What is Mango?

2011-12-27T07:59:00.000Z

A few people have asked what 'Mango' is all about. Well, I've done a YouTube video on my Channel MrSethMould to explain.

In 2002 for some reason I rekindled my teenage interest in crosswords. Then I found that there was software that helped you make a crossword. The rest is hysteria.

My real surname is Mann, and my friends called me Manno when I was young. When I started setting crosswords I needed a moniker, and changed one letter in Manno. Hence Mango.

I set a few crosswords -- in the UK advanced barred thematic (phew!) genre. No black squares, and always another puzzle going on and culminating in a 'penny dropping moment' (PDM).

Soon, two of the cleverest guys on earth -- Roddy Forman and John Guiver, agreed to join Mango. I could not have been more surprised if Sir Alex had called me asking if I could fill in for Rooney on Saturday.

Mango is retired now, mainly because my illness has taken what little talent I had away.

I remember now that once Mango was established, I set at least one solo puzzle as 'Seth Mould'. I was dubbed this in Mark Radcliffe's book Showbusiness: The Diary of a Rock 'n' Roll Nobody.

Things they would have Googled

2011-12-26T08:35:00.000Z

I was wondering what famous people from history would have searched for on Google.

Comments welcome.

Here's a treat for those involved in the black art of SEO:

Hitler Gets Slapped By Google

Let's see...

Hitler...
Einstein...
Others... suggestions please

Essentials for a new home

2011-12-06T13:55:00.001Z

Gotta move home soon
Can hardly get up the stairs to my bedsit, so gotta move.

Moving into unfurnished property
My bedsit is furnished, so I will need to buy everything for the new gaff. It's been 30 years since I did that. Help!

My choices

My fan club was wiped out in a tragic monocycle accident, but I hope I have friends who will make honest comments and suggestions about my complete lack of taste. Total spend for the following would be < £600. Click the images to enlarge.

Sofa and chair

Choice of colours including red and blue, but surely a discreet mocha has a neutrality worthy of Switzerland.

Apart from my sister Priscilla Duffy (completely improvising here)...

...and the drunken hairdresser from the barbers beneath me (she's always cadging), and my co-resident students who come in when in crisis ("I've put a spoon in the knife drawer - can we get Air Sea Rescue out?") you can count my monthly visitors on the fingers of a boxing glove.

So a small sofa for my sister with room for her infeasibly large handbag, and a chair for me facing the French windows will suffice. When alone I can also use the sofa...

"...For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood..."

William Wordsworth (1770-1850)

Dining table

Quick portable heating

Dimplex Optiflame Micro Electric Fire. About £60.

Bed

Augusta bedstead from Dreams, Bolton. £89.

Not Argos, note. When I get the keys, I can't wait 5 days for delivery, you dig?

Wardrobe for my designer duffle coats

I don't follow fashion - I set it. And they might remake The Cruel Sea.

Controversial roll-up front with tie fastenings. Anyone got one of these? Could I throw the cloth front on top?

Chest of drawers

Computer desk

Halogen oven

Andrew James. About £60.

Beef Wellington
11/2lbs 4" thick fillet steaks, 1 tablespoon brandy
1 tablespoon butter 2, tablespoons liverwurst
1 packed frozen puff pastry, thawed garlic, salt and pepper
1 egg yolk, beaten with a little water

Trim excess fat from steaks. Sprinkle with garlic, salt and ground pepper. Place on low rack in the oven preheated to 320°F (160°C) and cook for 4 minutes.

Remove and cool. Mix liverwurst with brandy and spread all over steaks. Roll out pastry and cut into 4 squares large enough to enclose each steak.

Place steak in centre of each pastry square and fold over to completely enclose. Seal seams with a little water and brush top with beaten egg yolk. Place back on low rack in the oven and cook at 420°F (215°C) for 15 minutes or until golden brown. Serves 4.

Tableware

Anything I've forgotten?

Yeah, loads. Remind me in the Comments:

Lighthouse keepers in Manchester

2011-11-27T21:17:00.000Z

I really don't like those websites that have a generic format, then when you Google for, say, "jobs in manchester" they add a Manchester-based front end so it looks like they specialize in whatever you searched for.

I actually managed to get a search result with the title:

"Lighthouse keeper? Find jobs in Manchester.

Now, I know we have the Manchester ship canal and Salford Quays, but we don't get many sea storms. And the lighthouse would get covered in graffiti.

How To Make Money On The Internet Using Only A Laptop And A Chimpanzee

2011-11-20T23:53:00.002Z

Well, now I'm retired and divorced and quite ill, and my pension is not as expected, I have to keep busy and make some cash by getting online work.

There's lots of easy ways to do this...

Paid Surveys
You'd think these would be nice and easy and you can do them at 3am. But most of these sites pay you in vouchers like the ones you used to throw away when you were a well-paid IT pro.

LinkedIn.com
Much more promising for Technical Author and WebSite Design jobs. I joined LinkedIn some years ago and I'm pretty sure it had few features, but now its quite professional and can give you good exposure if you don't fart at the table.

Freelancer.com
Apparently this site is a huge success. I don't understand many of the acronyms used by bidders competing against me. I want to make £10 an hour but that's probably not realistic. You get a lot of bidders saying they can deliver a 10-page website with perfect English for $20 in 2 days:

"I do this site no problm an my English she perfect".

However, I made one good contact who could fly if she listens to my infinite wisdom. It's not what you know...

Others
There's lots of US sites promoting some secret path to wealth and health if you buy their book for $47. A sure sign is:

TIRED OF THE RAT RACE? WANT TO MAKE SERIOUS MONEY WITHOUT HAVING A SINGLE BRAIN CELL? READ ON!

++MY UNIQUE PRODUCT GUARANTEES SUCCESS OR YOUR MONEY BACK++

Oh dear. I've reserved a bench in the local park and my ex-army friend George (you'll be hearing lots about him) reckons he can build a bivouac. I asked him about a Kalashnikov for self-defence and he said no problem.

Aargh! What a coincidence

2011-11-20T09:53:00.001Z

Well, I've seen some strange things in my time, but this really intrigued me.

This is a photo of my ex-wife. I can't remember where we were on holiday.

This is a photo of a very nice person called Mel I met at a party some time ago.

I think you'll agree that Mel was more adventurous!