Seven Dollar Bill

When is it safe to joke about something uncomfortable?

2011-11-22T09:16:00.000-08:00

...like making love in the back of a Volkswagen, sometimes what makes things uncomfortable is also what makes them humorous. The question in the minds of 7DB's multitude of followers is: when is it 'too soon'?

(For clarity: 'multitude' is defined as the vast array of people the author of this column believes actually read it. In reality, the number ends up being much, much smaller.)

Recent examples include jokes about Penn State and some recent deaths of famous people. A sampling:

-The whole Penn State mess makes me so uncomfortable, I need a long, hot shower.
-(about the Conrad Murray trial) I'm glad Michael Jackson isn't alive to see this.
-I hate eating too much turkey. It always makes me want to rape Indians, then take a nap.

As you can see, sometimes bad taste is a borderline call, while other times it is a clear line crossed. Either way, the areas of sensitive / edgy / offensive humor are often tested by people who lack compunction, as well as by those with a sense of humor that is best defined as 'ribald'. Defining when something is funny is a bit more subjective...

It is safe to say that humor relating to things like the Holocaust or homosexuality are guaranteed to offend the vast majority of any audience. It is also accurate to take shots at those who put themselves in the line of fire (Kardashian X, Mitt Romney, etc.) is non-offensive, as it has context. What about that middle ground?

No one who has ever been a victim of sexual abuse is going to find jokes about Penn State funny, nor those who believe that the former coach involved is mentally ill. To the rest of society, the laugh of the guilty is a common thing to witness. For those who are directly affected by a story or source of humor like that, there will never be a time where this is OK. Common decency says that no one should laugh at things that offend others, as it is indecent and cruel.

Which it is, and when one feels life being cruel...sometimes that's an OK thing to experience.

Acting on any type of 'joke' like that, or even repeating it is still not excusable, but a laugh in private has to be acknowledged. If one man makes a joke about the size of another man's...er, manhood, it can be interpreted as homophobic, spiteful or just unnecessary. It can also be interpreted as a commentary on why that guy bought a 1986 Corvette and painted it cherry red.

No one has the right to be critical of what makes another laugh.

This statement is prefaced by the obvious: anyone who uses this kind of humor to demean or belittle is out of line, and anyone who seeks out a specific subject matter in a joke (race, religion, etc) is exposing themselves and the bigotry. But in the course of life, what harm does the statement "Adolf Hitler gave lousy moustache rides" do to anyone?

7DB wrestles with this concept, as those aforementioned 'guilty laughs' have often come during times of stress, where anything that was not related to that source of stress could be seen as a type of release. Laughter heals achy souls, with the content of little consequence at the time.

It is also important to recognize your surroundings when this type of humor is found. A room full of women who work and pay their own way in life is probably not the place for a joke about the similarities between a woman and a bag of chips. (Punchline: They both better come with a damned sandwich) Those women would be insulted (and rightfully so) by such statements, but the intent is not to harm. It does do harm, however, leading to the 'guilty laughs'.

Most who indulge in this kind of rhetoric don't wish any harm, but need to be a little less politically correct to release their own tensions. This is not a defense, but an acknowledgement. 7DB would never dare tell a joke of that nature around Mrs. 7DB, and not solely for fear of retribution, but as a matter of respect. With that said, there is a humorous aspect to the statement, if only in knowing its source or historical context.

Allow a dalliance into that specific joke for a moment... there was a time in the last few decades where that kind of misogyny was commonplace, and men were shamed if they didn't participate in that kind of demeaning joking. At home, very few (if any) of those men would have ever addressed the mother of their children in such a manner. Out with the boys at a Stag party? Altogether different social mores.

To close this section of the column out, consider the topics that are still acceptable to make fun of:

-Foibles of politicians (including infidelity and digital photos being transmitted)
-White men dancing
-People's jobs that involve wearing a uniform (military or other noble, selfless professions excepted)
-Sexual proclivities of celebrities and athletes
-Drug use of recovering celebrities and athletes
-Male obsession with female body parts
-Male obsession with male body parts (their own)
-Intelligence of house pets
-Adult humor purported to come from a child's mouth in an innocent fashion
-Clergy members sexuality and proclivities

We are a society that enjoys tearing down the heroes we build, and part of that process is allowing Jay Leno to go on TV and read jokes that someone else wrote for him. (See the veiled dig?) We, the people, no longer publicly see the humor in making light of those who are not at the top of the heap... and this is a good thing overall. Just don't be too quick to judge those who find a well-crafted joke funny, despite their better senses about its topic matter. We're not quite done evolving yet.

(Oh yeah, and cavemen.)

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Many of those tidbits referenced above came off of various Twitter feeds. Some comedians and actors have taken to this format to tell the jokes they cannot tell on their national sit-com gigs, and this satisfies their extended fan base. That base consists of people who will not turn something off solely because that person is on it, not the people who will pay to see those same people on a regular basis. (That base for 7DB: Tim Allen, 75% of SportsCenter anchors, either Gumbel brother, every Baldwin not named Alec and all people who have acted in John Grisham movies)

Even then, the content is being thrown by the sender, not requested by the recipient. Moral of this story: Guilt following a laugh is true on both counts. You should feel bad, but it's still funny. Don't misunderstand, there is plenty of very funny stuff that is in the safe zone, but each person's safe zone is different and specific to their experiences. You may know someone who was beaten into a snowbank with a wiffle ball bat, while extremely intoxicated and wearing a Raggedy Andy costume. They may not appreciate the humor in a joke about....well, the words just written. It doesn't make it less funny, but since that is too specific an example, that joke can slide right on by the censors.

The current king of this kind of humor, due in large part to his appearance on the Roast of Charlie Sheen on Comedy Central, is Anthony Jeselnik. He is as offensive as it gets, and it uses very little profanity to do so. To quote him feels like a copyright violation, but his level of darkness makes most of the offensive comics out there have to scrap their material and start fresh. Dude is dark.

His latest Tweet: Now that police have eliminated Robert Wagner as a suspect in Natalie Wood's death, they've narrowed it down to Water.

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The towns of America have names long and short, symbolic and silly, but none of them matters a whit, unless one can find a way to be offended by them.

Case in point: There is a small town in Texas, less than 500 citizens, named Turkey. Turkey, Texas. About the only time of the year anyone more than 20 miles away acknowledges the place is during Thanksgiving. (One would assume, of course)

Now, the mentally-stunted folks at PETA have decided to stop telling people to eat their family dog for Thanksgiving, and re-focused their efforts on getting the small burg to change their name. From Turkey.

(simmering) (breathing) (contemplating) (simmering) (boiling) (STEAMING)

A list of problems:

-How does an organization that lives with an acronym that sounds like the marriage of the words 'pet' and 'eater', pronounced with a New England accent, muster the grapes to question what someone else names themselves?
-Would anyone outside of the 806 area code even know about this place if these human remnants didn't bring inane issues like this to light? (Look it up. You know you want to.)
-Why is it OK for these folks to offend and obfuscate, while the jokesters I referenced above are seen as insensitive? If this were a comedy bit and not 'ripped from the headlines', many would be enjoying some guilty laughs as we speak. Could anyone really make up this kind of... (editing self) (editing word choices that would have been OK in 1988) (editing topic matter as to not offend groups with hyphenated descriptions) ...hog wash?

Damnit. Now 7DB has gone and offend pig farmers...

Burn in Hades, PETA. And soon.

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These are Segways. This is a segue. Questions?

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For Turkey Day festivities, Young Seven and Mr. and Mrs. 7DB will join friends at a large gathering, involving some 20 or so people. As guests, the Family is preparing a delicious stuffing, with the tasty and sweet King's Hawaiian bread as its base.

After assembling a list, the trip to the grocery store became eventful when having to acquire enough of that delightful baked good to fulfill the recipe, after multiplied out to serve 20. The looks and statements of amazement and disbelief brought this columnist to wonder openly about anything ever at a grocery store, not involving a violent crime, that has ever distracted from the process of gathering food.

Not sure about the readership, but food is item one through seventy-eight on the list generated at Casa du 7DB on Grocery Day. Other people's shopping habits? Never made the list...

Do they talk about the guy that bought 600 King's Hawaiian rolls when they get home? "Honey, you're never gonna believe what I saw at Grocery Mart today! This guy...he had more rolls than I've ever seen!" Maybe if the person grew up in Eastern Europe in the '40s it would be comprehensible, but hearing seven or eight people openly gawk at a barely-substantial acquisition of baked goods at the place where such things are designed to happen left this columnist flummoxed. Just imagine being at the car dealership: "Look! Over there! That lady is test driving her third car! What, does she think she's Jay Leno or something?" (Yes, two Leno digs in one column. Not a fan.) Or better yet, the doctor's office: "Bobby, it's not nice to stare at the man's goiter. It is a big one though, huh?" Just unnerving. Makes a piece of legislation mandating cable for the masses seem like a better idea every time the thought crosses...

(For the record, the rolls are really small. Needed that many for the recipe, not just to fill the chef's large belly. Promise.)

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Lastly, baseball. Somehow, the most stable and financially solid of the major sports (those words fill people with anxiety) negotiated a decade-long Collective Bargaining Agreement with their player's union. When some pile of schmucks like MLB owners can make David Stern (NBA commissioner) look like a loser, you know the sport is in a bad way. Stern, kick Billy Hunter and Derek Fisher in the ***, get them back to the bargaining table and get the deal done. We are all slowly forgetting what the acronym you represent stands for...

Baseball writers also did something they are not known for doing consistently, in picking Detroit Tiger pitcher Justin Verlander as the American League Most Valuable Player.

The significance in this is pitchers rarely win the award, as the Cy Young Award is dedicated to pitchers. The MVP has not gone to a pitcher since 1992, and not a starting pitcher since HGH user / felon / hothead Roger Clemens won it before steroids took over his entire existence, back in 1986. It is even more rare that it is the right choice instead of the popular one.

Verlander put up excellent statistics, but the one that stands out is the team's record when he started a game. Verlander starts: 25 wins, 9 losses. Others on team start: 70 wins, 58 losses.

The team was barely above average without him, and a significant favorite with him. Winner. Congrats to him, and happy tryptophan comas to all of you.
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Taking advantage of old people when they die...

2011-11-16T13:27:00.000-08:00

...and other dirty secrets of the slimy undercarriage of society. The people that do this? Well, they're part of the 99%.

I'll get to them in a minute. First, a few thoughts on having children and pets simultaneously...

When Casa du 7DB was first claimed a few years back, adding a pet seemed like a decent idea. Problem was, we already had three critters in tow. Now we have five, plus a delightful human addition. Initial reaction says that young Seven will grow up loving pets. Then, the realization hits...

A manager at my work recently lost his family cat, after a long illness. He has an elementary-school age daughter at home, and he had to break the news that kitty was not alive anymore. 7DB will have similar discussions with his young'uns... five times. Five times before the first one reaches high school. And then, the reflex response to 'replace' the one who passes...the head swivels like Linda Blair in rehearsals at the thought of it.

Moral of the story: pets and children have to be considered acquisitions. (Hold the moral outrage... we all know the word 'acquire' makes this sentence awkward. It also makes it damned effective.) By considered acquisitions, the implication is that these choices are not to be entered into lightly or flippantly, as the long-term ramifications are not simple, inexpensive or emotionally easy to handle.

With that said, the Casa du 7DB would feel incomplete without any of them. Damnit.
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Relating to pets, our slightly deranged neighbors at PETA want to ask you this Holiday season: Would you eat the family dog?

In a planned billboard advertisement, the animal activist group suggests that eating turkey on Thanksgiving is the equivalent to serving Filet of Fido with a nice Bernaise reduction sauce. It is obvious in its inflammatory nature, yet people that represent the group claim it is basically the same, minus the emotional attachment we have attached to puppies and kitties.

And they're exactly right. Which makes them dead wrong.

We have formed emotional attachments to man's best friend, and to little furry cats that will sit in our laps on rainy days. We also have not attached them to flightless birds that are environmentally destructive and produce high-protein, low-fat servings of nourishment, as well as yummy gravy. This is not in dispute. What is in dispute is why these activists have attached their emotional baggage to the oblivious creatures.

Our society has a thousand-year old opinion of mammals as a food source, and conscious-driven sufferers of delusion have not existed for more than a century. While I myself choose not to use a stun gun and slit the throats of my dinner, I also will not object to tasting the results. As a society, we have more than tripled our life expectancy through a diet of animal product, plus found cures for thousands of illnesses. We have fed millions of people with various product created by these hapless animals.

It is apparently covered in the Constitution that these idealists can assault our sensibilities with romanticized guilt trips about what we chew at home, but it would be an offense for me to show up in front of their house and eat a Double-Double from In-'n-Out. Disappointingly, it rests on the free market to take up the billboard space near the schools these corn-fed hobos wish to target, using the donations of decent people who wish to stop horrifying things like puppy mills and other forms of animal abuse, and let our kids make these choices themselves when they become old enough to do so.

Make sure that you know the difference between PETA and the ASPCA. Other than those damned Sarah McLachlan commercials that air at 2:30 in the morning, the two organizations couldn't be more different. Support the later, and ignore the former.

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Seven Dollar Bill would like to take this time to announce an Occupy movement that truly represents the 99%, both in ideology and in form of protest. We can promise that you will not be asked to donate money or goods, and the amount of time you give will be eminently rewarding.

It's called "Occupy This".

When you see an Occupier, take both hands, hold them about a $5 footlong apart, then make a downward motion, ending with your hands near your hips. Make sure to loudly scream "Occupy This!" as you execute the move, and then hand the morons and community college dropouts an old copy of the local paper, opened to the want ads. Wanna fix the problem? Wanna be the solution? Here's how:

Get a job. Pay your taxes. Vote. STFU.

If you do all of these things, then do them more wisely. Do not do business with those who you think are stealing or cheating or molesting their secretaries. This is the right that thousands of men and women have laid their lives down for, fought for and proudly did so. Then pay your taxes to support those brave souls, and vote in people who will not abuse these people's desire to serve.

See how easy that is? Now get the f&%k out of the park so the sanitation people can come in and clean up after your slovenly asses. Oh, by the way, can you quit raping and killing people in your encampments? That would be greaaaat. #OccupyThis

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The good folks that populate the life of 7DB should be encouraged to take up a cause (preferably one with a goal, plan or common decency in terms of hygiene), be it one that is popular (Susan G. Komen, for example) or more obscure (Save The Red-Billed Wildebeests), as long as its all three of these things:

1) Close to your heart
2) Not illegal, or at least not taking up resources that we all pay taxes to provide, and
3) Serving somebody or something other than yourself.

Those three guidelines will provide the most satisfying contribution to your fellow man.

Or wildebeest.

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This downturn in the economy should be seen as an opportunity. The stakes are low, as is the bar of entry, for trying to launch a business (Internet advertising is almost free and increasingly effective) or charitable venture. When the economy recovers, the general public will discover dozens if not hundreds of new business ideas that were percolating in the cauldron during lean times. Those in position will thrive... and, no matter what those stinky wannabe hippies say, everyone wants to be the 1% of something.

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A man walks into a bar with a duck under his arm. The bartender pours the man a drink, then asks why he's carrying a duck. The man responds: I couldn't afford AFLAC.

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The holiday season is quickly coming to fruition, and the advertising has been in place long enough to collect dust (really, WalMart? Christmas trees for sale in JUNE? This is not Bronner's Christmas Warehouse in Frankenmuth, MI. WTH?), but there are some handy tips to keep in mind when it comes to shopping.

Don't.

Almost everything you want to give as a gift has been on sale for months before now, and everything is on sale on the Web, so going to a store at 3:00 a.m. after a night of sneaking leftover turkey legs into bed seems not only stupid, but counterproductive. Don't let the holiday season become a chore. It is, after all, a holiday. Rest, smile, give your loved ones hugs and kisses, eat some non-PETA approved seasonal food and do your shopping before the eleventh hour. You'll thank yourself later.

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This column has been bereft of sports-related takes thus far, so allow me to briefly take a whack at two:

Fantasy Football right now is either awesome or it sucks, depending on your team's fortunes. The only responsibility you have to the league that you are in is to set a lineup on time. All the weeks start on Thursday from now on, so fill in a lineup already. Win or lose, the smack talking on the league's front page is what we all do it for anyways (since gambling is illegal and all)...

The second sporty topic is not really sports-related, but it does involve the morass in Happy Valley. Penn State is a mess, and 7DB is not jumping back into the politics of that right now. Instead, something to keep in mind about the victims.

As a societal concept, victims of abuse are trapped in a cycle of suffering for the rest of their lives. Permanently damaged. A nod to Deadspin columnist Drew Magary for writing on the matter before this column did, as the national media crush is playing the "I'm more sympathetic to the children than you are" act to the hilt. The Holier Than Thou tone of the coverage, including the interview conducted by Bob Costas of the fallen Coach Sandusky, is insulting to these (and all) victims of crimes like this. (To be fair, this columnist just learned that Costas had less than 30 minutes to prepare for the interview, so it is somewhat understandable that he could not contain the emotional responses. Costas did not back down from tough questions, either, and may have helped seal Sandusky's fate. That man is mentally ill, and in need of help immediately.)

Justice being served will be a major part of the healing process for many of the victims, but handling their progress on their own terms is also important. Pretending that people with Internet access know better than the victims themselves what is needed in this instance is infuriating in its arrogance.

For those who know sexual abuse victims personally, most would agree that it is a topic that they don't often bring up at social gatherings. Reliving the horrors of those events is rarely on their Bucket List, so stop volunteering to be their shoulder to cry on. Do what good people do: Listen. When a friend or loved one is a victim of this type of crime, many strive for life to be close to normal as often as possible. When they need to talk, they will reach out to those who are good listeners, not those with the mightiest soap box. Be a good friend to those you care about, and let the systems we voted for and believe in do their job. Then, the concept of moving forward can become a reality.

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Some collection of schlubs have discovered that, by watching the newspapers carefully, they can find out when old people die and their storage units will be auctioned off. A recent story on the front page of Yahoo! tells of one of these bidders on abandoned storage units finding more than $500,000 worth of gold bars and collectible coins in a Rubbermaid container, one that was abandoned when the elderly lady who owned it passed away.

There is apparently a strategy in the storage unit auction biz that says doing thee research is the way to get paid. By watching the obituaries, then reading about the auctions over the next few months, people can discern when a unit is more likely to have collectibles inside, then bid higher on those with a better likelihood of a return on their investment.

Quick question for you obviously well-educated mortuary chasers: What did you do before this in life that left you picking over human carrion?

Note to self: Have a will, and a road map to all my stuff. I'd rather some angry teenager that is related to me blew all of my estate on coke and midget hookers than let one of these lecherous chain-smoking coffin thieves near it. It speaks poorly of our world that these people can sustain their lives this way. 7DB personally hopes they run into some of that person's not-so-well off relatives who had to work two jobs for six months and sell of their grandfather's pocket watch to pay for a funeral, while they floss with hundred dollar bills stolen from the family's estate. Then the would-be heirs figure it out, and mete out some prison-style gratitude.

(After re-reading this, 7DB is not sure why this draws out anger as much as it does. It is pretty crappy, though. No question there.)

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As a final thought, the Editorial Staff of Seven Dollar Bill is beginning to learn that everybody has a condition. The latest example is something called Shift Work Sleep Disorder. It involves being cranky, feeling less than ideal and suffering from higher blood pressure and other semi-common symptoms.

Producing morning television would make one a perfect candidate for clinical trials on the matter, but it raises a larger question, one that 7DB will thank Seth Meyers from Saturday Night Live for putting so eloquently: Really? Not sleeping when it's dark out is bad for you? Sleeping during daylight hours is difficult? Really? Oh, and not sleeping well can have bad effects on your health? Next thing you're gonna say, it's bad to not eat properly or exercise. What is this world coming to? You mean I shouldn't try to juggle chainsaws while they're running? Really?

If something is so obvious and it makes things less than ideal, we all have an individual responsibility to change the circumstance for ourselves. Quit waiting for your insurance to cover the meds, damnit.

The Last Conversation... and Kung Pao Chicken

2011-11-08T10:11:00.000-08:00

Earvin Johnson, pre-Magic

The title of this installment of 7DB will make more sense towards the bottom of the entry, I promise, but for now I will note that the combination of recent events in the news and the marking of the passage of time in the life of the 7DB clan has dovetailed nicely into topic matter. It has also motivated me to get my Beat Down stick out, and the first recipient is former Defensive Coordinator for the Penn State Nittany Lions, Mister Jerry Sandusky.

For those living in a hovel these last few days, Sandusky is a former coach on the legendary staff of Penn State's football team, led by Joe Paterno. Paterno has a long and storied reputation for a morally strong and solid program, one that includes two national championships and numerous bowl appearances and players who have graduated and moved on to high-profile careers in the NFL. That is part of why the story about their program elicits such shock for those who are aware of JoePa and his history of raising men.

Sandusky stands charged with more than a decade of abusing boys sexually, many of whom were involved with his 'Second Mile' program for foster children, and all of this while having extensive involvement with the university, including after his retirement from his post as the Defensive Coordinator for the football team. Sandusky hosted clinics for boys in the 4th-9th grades, and used his pull with the coaching staff to take kids on behind-the-scenes tours of the stadium and locker rooms. Where he apparently thought it was OK to sodomize them.

DISCLAIMER: Innocent until proven guilty. Enough? Good. I will continue.

IF Sandusky is guilty (caps on purpose), then some combination of the following penalties should be imposed:
-Flogging by the victims, preferably with barbed baseball bats propelled at high speeds.
-After an evacuation of family and pets, his house should be filled with rabid bobcats, and Sandusky should then serve home confinement until his trial.
-As part of the initial sentence, Sandusky should be used for testing of weed killing products and mascara, much like rabbits are now.
-Every person subjected to the assaults alleged in Grand Jury documents should be allowed to add items to this list.

The former coach grew up with his parents running a center where troubled youth could feel safe and get a meal, and get help to get through their lives. Somehow, this person took that experience and turned it into a victim factory. Eight youngsters have been identified, but history tells us that many other victims could be out there, hiding from the history of pain.

There are two responses to this story I have encountered so far: disgust and anger. Every person should feel disgusted even reading the words that make up the assertions, even the most jaded of us. The only point that every religion, every country, every dictator in history have agreed upon is the innocence of children. Stealing this for the satisfaction of a fetish is reprehensible, at best.

The second reaction, however, is where my thoughts lie. Those who show immediate anger at the charges are people who are familiar with what damage that kind of treatment does to the victim. I am not one to give people 'victim' status lightly, as I believe that everybody has their particular crosses to bear in life, but these children are the absolute meaning of the word 'victim'. No offense was rendered by them, yet a punishment of a lifetime of mental anguish was meted out. But the anger doesn't stop there...

What may be even worse, as I must believe that this Sandusky was damaged emotionally by parents who gave everything to those in need, but gave nothing to their own flesh and blood, and that this is his motivation... is the reaction of the university. All of the stuffed suits that are currently facing charges are morally responsible, no matter what the legal verdicts are, and the charges they face are not due to participation, but to having known that this happened and not calling the authorities. Many of the people involved have resigned their posts at the university, surrendered to police and posted bail. Their day in court is coming. But one man has escaped the heat largely thus far. That is where the vitriol peaks... Coach Paterno.

Joe Paterno was approached by a graduate assistant, after said assistant witnessed Sandusky and a child in a shower, after hours, and hearing distinctive slapping noises. When the assistant came into full view, the former 'coach of men' had a small boy pinned against the shower wall while he defiled him from behind. He immediately went to find Paterno and tell him. Paterno's response? Wait a day, then pass the buck to the Athletic Director for the school.

Now, to be fair to JoePa, he knew this man for more than 30 years, and had no reason prior to suspect his proclivities to be of an abusive nature. However, if I knew someone for 30 years, and this accusation came up from a non-biased source, the very first thing that would happen is a heated conversation with the accused, followed quickly by a call to the police. There is just no way that one can misconstrue what the graduate assistant recounted to the Head Coach. If for no other reason than embarrassment, Paterno should have immediately stepped down. He wants to not discuss the matter, saying it takes away from what the young men on the field have to deal with.

Well, Joe, the young men on the field have to deal with you letting child molesters linger on your staff for more than 30 years, so I figure they'll be able to handle some bad press. If you care about your players and their future, step aside and own up that you should have, as a man and an adult and a mandatory reporter of child abuse per Pennsylvania law, called the cops and let them sort it out.

Paterno has a press conference scheduled later today, where one hopes he has a logical, digestible explanation for turning a blind eye to one of his assistant coaches sexually abusing children in his own damned locker room. Then, afterwards, I will Webcast the four dozen pigs I have stored flying out of my ass. Man better retire quickly, before the anger simmers back to a boil, and a Google Map out the path to Happy Valley, PA.

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The doctor accused of killing Michael Jackson with prescription drugs was convicted of involuntary manslaughter this week. I don't wish to delve too deeply into this topic, as I am not sure I want to discuss a man that could have been the exact subject of the previous paragraphs. 7DB loved the early work of the King of Pop, but did not relate to having Macaulay Culkin up to the ranch for long weekends of 'play'.

Net result, a man who voluntarily dyed his own skin for years will have justice served in his memory for the benefit of people who are still alive. What justice that is... is not for a humble man such as I to evaluate.

Corny joke alert: He was not a Smooth Criminal. The courtroom trial was certainly a Thriller, but the verdict told us who's Bad. The doctor knew the case against him, but he just couldn't Beat It. It didn't seem Dangerous, but it was. It's all laid out in the court papers, right there in Black or White. Michael wasn't sure if the drugs were working, but the doctor told him "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough", so MJ looked at the Man In The Mirror and he decided to Ease On Down The Road. After telling the doc he liked the drugs for the Way They Made Him Feel, he became delusional, discussing how a girl named Billie Jean was a P.Y.T., and how he Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' with her. Alas, Everyone Is Someone's Fool, so Michael chose to Get On The Floor. He couldn't help it. It was just Human Nature.

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Smokin' Joe Frazier passed away from complications relating to liver cancer this week, at the age of 67. A man known best for three epic brawls with Muhammad Ali should actually be best remembered for his work with underprivileged children in his native Philadelphia. His name and reputation are marked with gentlemanly behavior outside of the ring, and vicious execution inside of it. Boxing may be a dying sport, but men who fought the way Joe Frazier did will live on in the minds of fans of sport.

George Foreman, who faced Frazier at his peak, was quoted after hearing of his passing:

"Good night, Joe Frazier. I love you, dear friend."

You did something right if a man you traded punches with says that when you pass on.

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Earvin 'Magic' Johnson recently celebrated is 52nd birthday, marking more than a half-century that has taken him from the heights of athletic prowess to the same lofty perches of business acumen and success. It is even more remarkable when you consider that, 20 years ago Monday, he held a press conference announcing his own death.

At least, we the uneducated thought it was his death. Magic had announced his retirement from the NBA after he had "attained" (his unfortunate choice of word) the HIV virus that is a precursor of AIDS. At that point in time, the general public only knew that disease to be one that 'gays' and Africans (not African-Americans...Africans. From the uncivilized areas...) suffered from, a horrible bit of preconception by a public not yet fully indoctrinated in Political Correctness. Now, the most popular athlete in America was going to die from it. His fellow players said they did not want to catch it from playing the game with him, fearful that a speck of blood could be a death sentence.

The reason that this resonates so clearly with 7DB is that this is the topic of the a conversation between a teen-aged boy and his father. That boy came home from class to see his father and his girlfriend glued to the TV set, watching for "a major announcement" from the Lakers about their star player. The teen joined the unlikely duo to watch the sequence above unfold, and then began a conversation that, unbeknownst to anyone in the room, would be their last.

The substance of the conversation went from the lack of understanding of the disease to the apparent proclivity of athletes to have marital relations outside of their marriage. (Quite the eye-opener for a teen boy with his girlfriend in the room, as you can imagine...) It wasn't because he was black, and it wasn't because he was gay...it was due to something else. And it was scary. The man with the best smile in the public eye was going to die.

Now, 20 years later, Magic is still living the dream, with a beautiful family and as good of health as anyone in their 50's should be entitled to. The boy is grown, has a family of his own now. Beautiful wife and daughter... but his father didn't stick around to see it. He died two days after that press conference, at an age five years younger than Magic is now.

Those words in that last conversation weren't the last words spoken. Life continued on after the press conference ended on November 7, 1991. Dinner was made, and dishes were washed. The last words spoken between the father and his son were in relation to picking up Chinese food to eat that night, to be picked up after the boy took his girl to a movie. Splitting some Kung Pao seemed like a good idea...

A big, shiny new world...

2011-11-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

A brief note upon the return to the blogosphere: it is interesting how difficult it can be to find the time to work an outlet like this, when life gets suddenly much more complicated time-wise. My last post was brief, and discussed the impending arrival of my first child. Well, Baby 7DB is here in full effect, and I have a hard time wanting to do anything other than making her smile at me. Since she is still an infant, it is not as easy a task as making those who can read missives like these to do the same. I cannot rely on any knowledge of music or pop culture reference, nor can I make a play on words. She boils things down to basics, and it changes what a sense of humor means. It also requires expanding the one you have, as anyone that spit up on me this much in any other stage of life would have had the snot smacked out of them.

With that said, she still fills diapers as a profession, so she's not old enough to stop a furiously warped mind like this author's. Without further ado, we return to the regularly-scheduled blogcast...

I have not visited life as a morning news producer in this space yet, so allow me a brief interlude. The game of Pros and Cons with a job like this is relatively short, yet highly descriptive. Allow a moment for a sample:

Pro - New work product every day. No matter how good or bad a show is, there is another to do the next day.

Con - The work in that product involves trying *not* to depress people, yet tell them what's happening in their area. Some level of insight can be had with politics, and having a bit of sport at the expense of local hoodlums who have turned stealing cars, getting chased by police and driving said stolen ride into a house is all fine and good, but having to recount the tragedy of events like the Sendai earthquake or the horror of an immigrant woman putting her baby in a microwave until it died takes the luster off of the career choice.

Pro - Working with some of the newest and best technologies available in broadcast television on a daily basis, and doing so with seasoned professionals in front of the camera.

Con - Having to depend on the outside world being foul and depraved to make content for your work day. While it (sadly) delivers on a regular basis, it is not an ideal way to maintain emotional health.

Just a sampling. The newest of those "pros" is a whole pile of topic matter to write about.

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In recent days, the sports world has supplied plenty of stupidity and general oddball-ism to fill several hard drives with rants. As a fan for more than three decades now, I woefully underestimated the power of an instant media, both in its effective nature in breaking news and its propensity for error.

Neither of those affected the decision by 229-year old (estimates based on carbon dating) Bartolo Colon of the New York Yankees to undergo a stem cell replacement procedure to rejuvenate his flagging career. He responded with a solid year, until another piece of his cadaver-enhanced body broke down, and raised enough eyebrows to have a higher profile athlete try a similar procedure.

Kobe Bean Bryant, resident Laker megastar and alleged misogynist, took advantage of the ill-advised NBA lockout to travel to Germany to undergo a procedure much like Colon did. Envisioning the precocious teen with the wild 'fro as a 15-year vet is tough for me, but the miles of several trips to the NBA Finals have apparently begun to take their toll on old Number Eight (er, number Twenty-Four)...enough so that trying a procedure that has not been tested thoroughly by medical professionals in the hopes of winning one more championship isn't as surprising as I'd like it to be.

Bryant and his aging support crew have been slowly sliding backwards out of the top dog slot in the league, so his competitive nature got the best of him. Why this isn't illegal and against league by-laws in a fashion similar to blood doping and HGH treatment is probably left to the greater minds that run (or lockout) the league. One just hopes that the bust that will eventually go up in Springfield will not be horribly disfigured by some marginally-ethical medical decisions.

(Don't worry. A more extensive look at the NBA labor situation, as well as a reflection on the NFL's scenario, will show up very soon in this space. It may even be some of the following adjectives: insightful, witty, urbane, profane, absurd, reckless, mundane or spotty.)

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Recent news in the 'burg I now hang my hat in has also left me with thoughts that need ventilation. Most recently, the events involving two separate police departments and the alleged actions of one now-deceased felon have left me scratching at my ample head.

An officer for the Twin Rivers School Police Department was shot in an escape attempt by a suspect. When word got out, police officers from several nearby cities began to search for the shooter. The officer, who was injured but not incapacitated enough to prevent identifying the suspect, is recovering from his injuries. The suspect was captured by a department from another jurisdiction, and placed in the back of a squad car, handcuffed and lying on his belly.

Here is where accounts vary a bit. Friends of the suspect (now alleged victim) say he was asthmatic, and could not reach his inhaler from the position he was transported in. Officers deny any issues with placing him in the squad car, but then noticed the shooter was unresponsive during transport. They pulled over and called for medical help. He was pronounced dead minutes later.

The shooter ran from police, even while in cuffs (this is on camera), and was taken down in a manner one might expect when a handcuffed man attempts to run from police. The question of how he died in police custody is contentious and divided along racial lines.

While that is being sorted out, it comes to light that the Officer's Association of the department of the officer who was shot had issued some questionable T-shirts in a fundraising effort years before. (Once again, a police department for a school district.) The shirts had a slogan on them: "You raise 'em, We cage 'em".

Last night, several angry protesters went to the school board meeting to vent about how those shirts show the department's culpability in the shooter's death. Repeat: the police department of a school district, whose officer was wounded, allegedly by the victim, is responsible for the death of a man in custody in another department, all based on a t-shirt.

Putting aside for a moment the guilt or innocence of the deceased, the misplaced anger is disturbing. It can be likened to being mad at the City of Anaheim for Sacramento's failure to build a viable NBA arena for its team, and then saying that the city is at fault for a broken ride at Disneyland. Anger that goes off the boards like this leads to bad situations...something I can attest to, after having lived in Los Angeles in the Spring of 1992.

Even more unsettling, the leadership is distracted from handling this issue well, due to some people wishing to either a) re-enact the grandiose days of Haight-Ashbury, or b) get a camping permit to sleep in a park in the city because they were wronged by the banks during the bailout. Resources and money are being expended daily on people wishing to Occupy places that are not their homes, while a police officer is wounded and another man is dead from being in the back of a squad car.

Not to be pithy, but me thinks some priorities are askew in this town. Many would say the two situations do not compare, but they both reflect the fear and outrage that comes with having a depressed economic situation. Many municipalities have been forced to reduce police presence due to budget constraints, and the towns they patrol are teeming with unemployed and underemployed people, mad at the world that stripped them of their ability to raise their families.

While time heals all wounds, it may take a large stack of greenbacks and a steady hand to slow the rising tensions in this and other towns across the country...stay tuned.

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Being serious all of the time is no fun, so I include this remix of a Jay-Z lyric, overheard on Halloween:

"If you're having ghoul problems, I feel bad for ya, son. I've got 99 problems, but a witch ain't one. Hit me!"

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Just a few entries ago, I can see how clearly I saw the Brett Favre situation unfold in Minnesota. Little did I know that a QB's problem with keeping his cell phone camera pointed away from his nether regions would not force him to quit ruining my team's chances for one full year afterwards.

After the 41-year old Favre retired (for the fourth and apparently final time), the team promptly went younger, trading for 33-year old has been Donovan McNabb. I believe McNabb is Irish for "throws picks like Favre", but my Gaelic is rusty...could have that wrong.

McNabb's first drop back of the season went like one would expect in a situation like this. He fumbled, and the defense recovered. The team proceeded to not win any games with him at the helm, and broke through only after starting the bizarre draft choice Christian Ponder, just 5 games into his rookie campaign. I call the drafting of Ponder bizarre in part because they took him two full rounds ahead of any expert opinion, and had traded a pick to get their Opening Day starter (McNabb) not long before.

In any event, the net result is a team sitting at 2-6, with the triumphant win over Cam Newton's Carolina Panthers (2-6) leading them into the season's second half. I will now go locate a dictionary, find the definition of the word 'immolate', then proceed to re-enact it.

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I will close today's post with a thought about the Occupy movement: A waste. For the first time since the days of Kennedy and Hoover, people across the spectrum were ready to make a move towards change, only to derail themselves with a lack of clarity in message. The protesters appear to be Mad As Hell, And Not Gonna Take It Anymore, but their "its" are all different. Blaming the economy's downswing on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan is arguable, as are the bank and auto industry bailout measures. The unemployment numbers are bad and not ready yet to improve, and disasters are all being connected to greed (Gulf Oil Spill, bailouts), government mismanagement (Katrina, wars) and power-hungry leadership maneuvering (overthrows of several Middle Eastern governments, both G.W. Bush election wins).

None of the protesters can agree who's to blame, or what they are blaming them for. Is Bank of America responsible for the thousands killed overseas? Is BP somehow connected to unemployment in Kansas City? Did the stock market dive connect up with FEMA's malfeasance?

As with any block party, a few of the homeowner's dishes were broken during the festivities. People sleeping in parks to prove a point, while voting the people in who chase the homeless out of their encampments any time the city has business leaders visiting (or an Olympic hockey final to lose) is item two in the Webster's definition of hypocrisy. People complaining about government waste, while forcing their city's police forces to make thousands of arrests and pay out millions of collective dollars of overtime to tired officers, who may very well have some of the same beefs as these underemployed Poli-Sci majors have.

My mother once told me, after some friends had come over and made a mess: "Hope it was fun, because it's your mess to clean up, and the damage comes out of your allowance."

Until next time...

A good reason to begin blogging again...

2011-07-24T18:12:00.001-07:00

It has been since last March that I have made a post here. Allow me a moment to expound upon why...
The date of the last post was 3/22/10, and I was hired to the Sacramento FOX TV affiliate the next day. I began there 3/29, and have been writing far too much ever since. Writing and producing TV during odd hours drains the desire to sit and post things in free time...forgive the transgression.

So, now I sit on the precipice of entering fatherhood, as Harper Lynn is preparing to make her entrance (as Jamie is preparing for her exit). The words flutter through my head as to how this all feels, but suffice it to say that it's the most thrilling moment Jamie and I have shared together (yes, possibly even more thrilling than the wedding, since we already kinda knew what would happen there...)

I'll return to Seven Dollar Bill-mode shortly, and am anxious to let loose on a few thousand thoughts that have been banging around in my head these past 16+ months, but for a moment, I am going to enjoy the pending arrival of our young lady. She's gonna rock my world, no doubt. :)

Why Jimmer Fredette is a good name to know...

2010-03-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

As March Madness consumes everyone (be it the basketball version or the late-night on Sunday passing health care through the House of Representatives version), it seems a good time to touch on some of the moments that struck the collective fancy this week...

While the economy strangles so many, a moment of extreme spending that makes people happy took place Sunday. Joe Mauer, native of St. Paul, MN, signed a contract extension with the Minnesota Twins that guarantees him remaining in Minnesota through most of his career. The contract is for eight years and pays him eleventy-seven billion dollars over that span. (Ok, it is for $184 million, averaging $23 million per year, but that feels like eleventy-seven billion to us normal folks)

It is likely that Mauer, a 27-year old catcher who has won three batting titles and last year's Most Valuable Player award, would have received offers from the Yankees and Red Sox as a free agent next year that would have been in the 10-year/$300 million range to start with, and could have gone much higher, but the decision to sign for less to play at home will deify Mauer in his hometown. The Twins have historically let its superstars move on when the price got too high (see Johan Santana and Torii Hunter recently), due to the small-market economics that make up baseball. Three things worked out in favor of our beloved Twins in this instance:

1) Joe Mauer is the MAN.

Mauer was raised in a nice area of Saint Paul, starred in three sports at Cretin-Derham Hall (they always killed 7DB on the basketball court, waaaaay before Mauer was of age...back when they had to climb a ladder and pull the ball out of the peach basket and all...), and is surrounded by extended family in the area. Having spent many formative years in the area, 7DB can attest to how important that could be to a guy like Joe.

2) Joe's agent was also the agent of Kirby Puckett

Puckett, the late Hall of Famer that led the Twins to their two World Series victories in 1987 and 1991, was a free agent late in his career. The Chicago native got an offer for a nice raise from the White Sox, but his agent (Ron Shapiro) knew what staying with the team that drafted him was worth to all involved. The Twins gave up about 80% of what the White Sox offered, but could afford little more. No matter. Puckett stayed home, won another World Series and went directly to the Hall of Fame. Twins fans and baseball purists rejoiced. (Shapiro also represented Cal Ripken, Jr., who spent his entire career in Baltimore and went straight to Cooperstown as well.)

Mauer idolized Puckett as a kid, and the idea that he could have the same agent and play for the same team (The Twins drafted him #1 overall, passing on other people thought to be more talented) for life has strong appeal to a guy of his sensibilities.

3) The Twins stepped up...huge.

The contract is one of the largest ever in the history of the sport, and more than double the largest ever given to a catcher. Catching 140-plus games per year wears out players much faster than playing other positions in the field, and guaranteeing $23 mil per year until a guy is 35 to play catcher is no automatic choice. The Twins are still a small-market squad (and this contract does hamstring them a bit for future signings), even with the new stadium opening this year.

This was a signal to all of baseball and all of Minnesota that they understand Mauer's impact on the team and the region. Thousands of kids will grow up watching #7 play his heart out every game, and will do so wearing the same piece of laundry the whole way. Fans that have become cynical of the game and the money surrounding it will take heart in Mauer's signing, and the Twins organization will reap the proper benefits of that.

This may be the most heartening bit of news to cross the wires this calendar year in the world of sports. Joe Mauer alone may have brought many back into the baseball fold, and for that, 7DB thank him, Ron Shapiro and the Twins.

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The last player that attended BYU that even registered a blink from the eyes of the average American is probably Jim McMahon, and that was mostly for his ridiculous headbands. Jimmer Fredette led the Cougars into the NCAA tournament, then poured in 37 to help win a double-OT thriller and advance to the second round (BYU's first tourney win in 17 years).

Oh, and he goes by 'Jimmer'. Like that isn't an automatic WTF from the casual fan...

Fredette's draft stock shot way up based on his play this year, and fans should watch another BYU alum, one Danny Ainge, to see if Fredette could be wearing the Celtic green next season. Consider yourself warned...

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A few quick hits on health care reform, passed through the House of Reps late Sunday night:

-Barack Obama was elected in part on his promises to break through partisanship and make Congress work for the people. A quick look at the results says he was successful, as he made 34 people from his own party vote against his bill, while unifying Republicans like no candidate/elected official has in 20 years. Well played, Mr. President.

-Since the versions presented before did not pass the smell test, Obama and the Pelosi-led Congresspeople devised a way to prevent needing more than a simple majority to pass reform. Ignoring the concept that this goes against the spirit of the law, the backlash against those from particular districts that supported this maneuver will be swift. Watch the ballots fly in November coming up...

-The revisions still have to get ok'd by the Senate, but presumably under the same 'simple majority'. Polling suggests that less than 40% of voters support this version of reform, but many have been worn down by the badgering approach to getting 'something, anything' passed. Not to be a broken record about it, but ask any bar patron that stayed at the bar until 1:30 am looking for companionship how that usually works out.

-The promise that this will eventually make money for the government was part of the justification, suggesting that it would not 'cost' anything at some point in the future. Knowing what we all know about government and money, does anyone believe this? If there is a budget surplus from this, it will be spent in some other way, instead of paying down the whopping debt that the stimulus and other things have created. If there is not a surplus, the President who pushed it through and the Congressmen and -women will be long gone, enjoying their rather comfortable pensions. My unborn children will be holding the bag.

In short, this better work perfectly, or there will be Heck to pay. And by Heck, I mean tens of thousands of dollars per person in tax overruns.

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Michael Jordan has become the primary owner of the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats, the first former player to have a controlling interest in a team. After Jordan's completely classless Hall of Fame induction earlier this year, the league approved the ownership change faster than one had ever been approved. Some attribute this to Jordan's star power, others point out that any stable buyer in this economy is a good thing for the NBA as a whole. I forward a different thought...

The man who bought the expansion franchise to begin with, BET founder Robert Johnson, came in as the first minority owner in the sport's history. In a sport that has between 75 and 85 percent of its players being minorities, this was a long-awaited moment for the league, and a very important step to show the players that there is no limit to how far their influence as people can go, regardless of the past. Keeping the team in minority ownership (still the only team in the NBA held and controlled by a non-white) was key. Jordan's history of gambling problems and infidelity were not deterrents.

In the NFL, an ownership group was turned down to buy the St. Louis Rams last year because one of its small investors was Rush Limbaugh. The rest of the ownership group, led by former team executive of the New York Knicks and Utah Jazz Dave Checketts, promptly kicked Limbaugh out of the group after the uproar. (They then lost the bid to buy the Rams anyways.)

This all brings back the question: does anyone care who owns their teams? Donald Sterling lost a tenant-discrimination lawsuit for over $2 million, yet owns the LA Clippers of the NBA. No one seems to care. It seems that David Stern wants people to care, but just about Jordan, since he makes for good copy. The league will make much out of Jordan's presence for a multitude of reasons, but it should be noted that the Russian plutocrat that agreed to buy the New Jersey Nets and develop some old rail yards in New Jersey is still 'being evaluated' for his worthiness in the ownership clique. Apparently being a poor sport of a competitor, gambling away millions of dollars and cheating on your spouse is ok, as long as you are not from the old Soviet Republic.

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One last athletics-related thought to share...recently the 7DB Clan attended many local high school basketball games. It is marvelous to look at how much the game has changed over the years. Many of the fundamentals of the game that were taught to our parents no longer exist, yet the enthusiasm and spirit behind the play of the vast majority of the players is consistent and heartening. Regardless of how the game evolves, the play at the amateur level (not the paid-under-the-table-at-NCAA-schools level) is still fast-paced and thrilling. To all of those caught in their playoff runs, and those who went down swinging, we salute you. Enjoy...until next time.

Whale kills trainer at Sea World. Blogger torches career counselor.

2010-02-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

How to begin? With sadness, I have to report that a giant aqueous mammal killed the 110-pound person that was 'training' the animal. The woman had not even begun the show yet...she was explaining to the crowd what they'd be seeing when the whale was released into the show pool, where it promptly bolted for the unsuspecting trainer and snatched her off the platform. The crowd was promptly evacuated and the park closed.

My question, while trying not to sound too callous, is: Does the liability insurance that Sea World carries cover the therapy for the children in the stands? Usually you have to tune in to National Geographic or MMA events to witness potential death, but at Sea World? Imagine if Mickey got his head lopped off while standing near Space Mountain and the trams...you think that might jar a six-year old? Maybe, just maybe, it is time for society to quit corralling wild animals for profiteering and just take an ocean cruise if one wants to go to see them.

The bigger issue to 7DB, of course, is how these folks land in these jobs. Does anyone really 'dream' of working with animals with limited personality and limited ways to express it? What college career counselor said, "So, ya wanna work with giant, slimy mammals that are held in captivity? That's what you're career profile suggests you'd be best at!" ?

Can the prospect of making $35,000 a year and smelling like fish all day seem appealing? At least underwater pier repair pays well for its high risk. There are many noble folks that work for peanuts (or smelt) and enjoy their experiences with animals and rescue centers, and they should be respected for their choice. Working with show animals, however, seems a bit to 'carny' for an intentional career move.

Siegfried or Roy (I cannot remember which) made big piles of loot, then lost his face to this 'profession'. The money cannot replace what must appear in his mirror every morning...the whole prospect of that being a way to make a living, solely off of the curiosity of people about animals that they may not see in suburbia, creeps me out. At least zoos rescue some animals. Cesar Millan teaches people how to interact with them. Sea World teaches us...how to make whales beg for food and do parlor tricks?

As an adult, feel badly for the young woman. As a person, feel like this is preventable in the future by not lighting the hoops on fire and wondering why Shamu wants human pool toys afterwards.

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For the twelve remaining Winter Olympic fans, something to ponder:

In 2006, the Olympics were in Turin, making tape delay a necessity. In 2010, they are in Vancouver, yet still tape-delayed...but only IN THE TIME ZONE THEY ARE OCCURRING IN. Some numbnuts in Podunk, VA gets the events live at 3pm local, yet they're not shown when they occur in the area they occur in. So, to the question:

Does anyone care?

Probably not, as ratings are off and people are dying at the Games. Ugh. Can we get to spring training yet?

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Tiger Woods put his midlife crisis on display with a press conference...er, live video of him reading a statement. Woods' mother was present, but his wife was not.

Thoughts on this event range from indifference to mild humor. The humor? The Golf Writer's Association of America voted to decline its three invitations to the event, citing that there was no need to send qualified golf writers to an event where no questions would be taken.

First, did you know there was a Golf Writer's Association of America? Are they union? Do they have a Collective Bargaining Agreement, or are they a trade organization? Who organized the 'vote'? We have, as a society, now reached critical mass on the First Amendment being used as a bludgening tool.

Many journalists are angry with Tiger for not taking questions, be it from them or one of their colleagues, and cite that as the reason for their 'protest'. For the first time, a blogger will come out in defense of Tiger since he started playing Hide the Cannoli with local Hooters wait staff...

The only person that Woods has to answer to is his wife, and he doesn't even have to answer to her if he's not interested in staying married. This guy, and this guy alone, created the need for the swollen press corp following golf. All of those protesting d-bags should be tithing 10% of their checks to the Tiger Woods Foundation, not trying to take potshots from their ever-dwindling newsrooms. He broke no law, yet you bloodsucking morons are hanging outside of a preschool to take pictures of his toddlers? Who owes whom?

In short, Tiger will come back, win a buttload of tournaments, get endorsements from the hypocrites who dropped him and the others who didn't, make his fellow golfers very rich and very resentful, and then do what all other golfers do...play until they are 83 years old or so.

Yes, I earlier lumped the golf press in with the tabloids. Yes, it is deserved. The behavior involved in chasing around a guy with enough of his own doing on his plate is bad enough, but to criticize how he voluntarily addresses those paycheck leeches is just outrageous. Be thankful he said anything at all...and have no fear, you'll get to take your shots at him when he plays his next tournament. Losers.

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The Old Spice commercials are still going, long after the Super Bowl ended. "The tickets are now diamonds! I'm on a horse..." True words of wisdom.

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LPBA champ Kelly Kulick made history last month, by entering the men's Tournament of Champions and walking with the winner's check of $40 grand and a two-year exemption on the Tour.

Kulick was granted entry by winning the LPBA Championship earlier in the season...oh, sorry. I should stop now and explain that this is about bowling. K. Sorry about that...

The winner of the LPBA tourney had the option of entering the men's field, and Kulick maximized her opportunity, blowing Chris Barnes back into the lounge with a 265-195 thumping. Losing at bowling by 70 is bad. Losing to a girl...no different. Barnes has nothing to be embarrassed about...other than losing by 70. Kulick averaged 226 over the 60-game tournament, sharing similar conditions and the same lanes as the men she left eating mozzarella sticks at the snack bar. On equal footing, she owned her fellow keglers.

Bowling alley terminology is fun, isn't it? Congrats to Kelly Kulick. We all look forward to...not hearing about your sport again for some time to come in the mainstream media. We will have to hear about Michelle Wie again a few hundred times, though...Ugh.

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More to come in the next day or two...have slacked off in my two-or-three a week plan, but will redouble efforts here. Mazel Tov!

How do I get a 'Hood Pass? They sell 'em at the DMV?

2010-02-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

There was a t-shirt, kinda popular during the early to mid-90's, that had the famous Playboy logo bunny in the middle and, in big block lettering underneath, said 'I read the articles'. If that is true now, John Mayer is either a poser or a racist. Truthfully, he's neither, but he has a history of being very candid in interviews, which causes him trouble. When one does not use a filter on his out-loud voice, one will find trouble...

An excerpt from the interview, coming in the March 2010 issue from Playboy:

MAYER: ...My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you’re very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’"

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

There is a list of comments to make here, but look at the tone. No shock value is gained, the interviewer goes on to ask him to name specific black women he finds attractive, then veers back to his time with Jennifer Aniston and their break-up. Mayer also spends much of the interview discussing his love of masturbation and how much of a 'douche bag' people find him to be. He also mentioned that he was addicted to Jessica Simpson, saying that sex with her was "...napalm. Sexual napalm." Mayer issued a tearful apology during a concert last night, admitting he hurt people that love him with his stupid remarks in this interview.

Society likes when people mess up, loves it when they apologize, then complains when their idols are not candid and 'real' enough for them. Kudos to Mayer for candor. Boo to Mayer for being a whiny douchebag with a racist appendage. The question remaining is whether he tries to date a high-profile black woman to clear his sexual resume of this blight of commentary, thus being a very 'douche bag' thing to do, or whether he just shuts up and plays guitar, finding new batches of young women going through puberty to forgive him. Time will tell...

The full interview is available here (free, with no nudie pics to mess up your work day)

http://www.playboy.com/articles/john-mayer-playboy-interview/index.html

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The NBA All-Star Game is this weekend, along with the commensurate dunk contest, HORSE contest and performers like those that should be playing the Super Bowl (Shakira, Alicia Keys) at Cowboys Stadium in Dallas. Er, 'North Texas', since Dallas could confuse people into thinking that it is Dallas, Arkansas or Dallas, Vermont, I suppose...

This weekend each year has attracted many celebrities, actors, artists and athletes from other major sports, leading to the NBA extravaganza being coined 'the black Super Bowl' by those in the media too cool to call it the NBA All-Star Weekend. While 7DB rests assured that David Stern does not appreciate that reference, one has to question the logic of holding it at a football stadium, even one with big screen scoreboards big enough to signal life on other planets.

The estimated attendance for the actual ticketed game is 92,000. That is disturbing, if only for the 84,000 of them that will be too far away to watch the game live, and instead will be reliant on the 60-yard long screen hanging above their heads to see it. Spending the hundreds (or thousands) of dollars on the entry fee to watch a really big TV seems out of reach for most of the NBA's fan base, and the precedent-setting nature of moving events to bigger and bigger buildings to generate more revenue must be succeeding at taking fans completely out of consideration when planning these debacles.

With the exception of hockey (for the un-initiated, it is a game played on ice by skating people trying to launch a small rubber 'puck' past a goalkeeper into a small net), no event is better live than on HDTV anymore. None. The 'experience' of going to a baseball game has been lost to these new stadiums building amusement parks in the concourses to distract the children who get bored watching the field for three hours to see 48 seconds of action take place. True fans cannot even see what pitch is thrown, nor whether it actually was a strike when the ump called it. Football is almost indecipherable from the field level if you have learned the game watching it on TV. Basketball is a great live game...if you are within about 100 feet of the court. That leaves out most of the estimated 20 million fans who watch NBA games on a regular basis on cable or local TV.

It leaves 7DB wondering, quietly in the friendly confines of Casa du 7DB, could professional sports 'jump the shark'? Will the need for a national pastime and venues funded by taxpayer subsidy be a novelty of the past? Few Americans (although fervent) embrace the passion of fans of soccer (er, 'Futbol') enough to want to spend $120 to sit six rows from the parking lot to see the green speck kick the white ball past the blue speck into the net, and no other sport in America draws a passionate fan base in enough numbers to warrant the money necessary to drive the sport into popularity. It won't happen soon, as many Baby Boomers will be spending their Social Security checks from money they 'earned' before going to while away their days at the Indians/Marlins afternoon games each summer, but soon after that there will be a void of people who will pay for something that they can see so much better from home. Yet another reason for the public to become hermits, I guess...

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Washington, D.C. has been inundated by record snowfalls these last few weeks, snowing in many folks and causing our federal government to shut down its non-essential operations for the last few days. Strangely, it seems that Congressmen are still gathering...

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The 2010 Winter Olympics are kicking off in Vancouver tonight. Opening Ceremonies are historically exciting and fun, then the Closing Ceremony is the usual anti-climax two weeks later. In the middle, much of the world will get to see some of what makes Vanocuver one of the most beautiful cities in the world, from the gleaming Olympic Village (built by private contractors who defaulted, then bailed out by the city of Vancouver at the potential cost of $1 billion, although that is Canadian money, so that may be Monopoly money as far as I know) to its beautiful vistas and extraordinary sporting venues. The skiing and snowboarding will be held in Whistler, B.C., about three hours away from Vancouver by bus, and that will provide even more scenic splendor for the HDTV set referenced earlier.

Connecting to an earlier thought, how do the Olympics keep happening? NBC is planning on losing $300 million, the City of Vancouver will need help from their federal government to not go bankrupt, and the athletes are not even paid. The number of folks willing to dedicate years of their lives to master the art of the luge must be waning, yes?

Civic and national pride have carried many of these sports through the technology explosion of the second half of the twentieth century, but reality suggests that these things will fade in our lifetimes, being replaced by "Survivor: Coral Gables" and a Howie Mandel-shaped robot hosting "Deal or No Deal" on Univision. Developing the fan experience in a profitable fashion is the future of sport, it seems. This realization makes the sports fan in all of us die a little each day...go enjoy the minor league baseball games and the lacrosse leagues while you can, folks.

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Will Brett Favre retire? Will he change his mind? Will he play for the Vikings next year? Yes, yes and yes. Next topic, please.

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Without going too deep into the science of it, it appears that global cooling has happened this year. Or global warming has been happening for the last 25 years, or that we were in danger of an Ice Age in 1975.

Statistics have been created for three reasons: to compare Babe Ruth to Hank Aaron, to count large stacks of money and to lie. None of these three can be considered valid to the vast majority of the world, so how does society find solutions? The answer, one that does not have a Wikipedia page, is common sense.

If something smells bad, it is probably not good for the air in high doses (think cow poop = methane). If something does not occur naturally, it may have side effects (i.e., Pamela Anderson's breasts). If somebody is making a crapload of money on it, the will to make it will supercede the previous two statements (fossil fuels, anybody?).

It will remain a challenge for generations to come to determine how to advance without by-product. The solution lies in not giving up on the challenge while monitoring personal waste. Pursue the future without laying waste to what surrounds you now. Recycle what you can, don't s**t where you eat, spay and neuter animals that were 'domesticated' before awareness of proliferation, refrain from burning plastics in the fireplace...all common sense. Quite simply, use your head, and Al Gore will fade away. And he'd be happy to do so, I promise...

The Saints went Marching, yada yada...

2010-02-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

Usually the build-up to the Super Bowl and all of the requisite excitement would have warranted many, many blathering posts by now. Instead, that was left to those who will have to shut their cake holes for the next five months, since they can speak out loud of nothing that does not tie in to the status of Dwight Freeney's ankle without sounding like they live in their mother's basement and blog from a table next to their comic book collection and pricing catalogs. Instead, a playoffs-in-review:

J-E-T-S! Jets, Jets, Jets!

They played well. They have a rookie QB (Mark Sanchez, from USC). That rookie QB has a cutesy nickname (The Sanchize). That QB will probably go the way of Scott Brown, pose nude for Cosmo and run for governor of California in fifteen years. Nonetheless, it gave New Yorkers (er, New Jersey residents, since the team plays and practices in New Jersey) something to cheer for between shovel loads of icy sludge being flung from their driveways.

The Jets had the NFL's top-rated defense during the regular season, proving them to be a very good football team coached by a rather obese man (Rex Ryan) who casually mentioned in a recent interview that his daily caloric intake is 7,000. Per day. By himself. Holy s**t. It is very possible that we will see a cardiac episode replayed from multiple camera angles in the not-too-distant future...

In any event, that great defense and rotund coach got smoked like a pack of Kool's in the second half of the AFC Championship game by Peyton Manning and the Colts. Number one defense, meet Peyton Manning. Peyton, meet the Jets suddenly porous secondary and non-tackling linebackers and safeties. Enjoy each other.

Vikings, Favre, cut out hearts in the Heartland...again.

Malcolm Gladwell, renowned author of books like 'The Tipping Point' and 'Blink', is, among other things, an avid sports fan. 7DB wonders how he would 'thin-slice' the 2009 Minnesota Vikings season with Brett Favre at quarterback and Brad Childress as the head coach. With all apologies to Mr. Gladwell in advance, allow me to speculate:

The Minnesota Vikings have a long history of coming up just short in the Big Game, having lost the NFL's championship game four time since 1969, as well as having come up just short on three other notable occasions (1987, 1998, 2000). With this in mind, a reach out to a veteran field general makes good sense, as the assembled talent is on par with other premiere teams in the sport in all aspects other than quarterback.

Brett Favre is a quarterback who has won before, having won more games than any other NFL quarterback, including the 1997 NFL championship while employed by the Green Bay Packers. His devil-may-care style at quarterback is a high-risk/high-reward gambit, and it is one that the Vikings would be well-justified in taking on. So, why shouldn't they?

In the last two seasons coming into the 2009 season, Favre has ended his team's season with poor play during the playoff season. The 2007 Packers and the 2008 Jets both began making reservations for golf course tee times after Favre threw ill-advised passes that the opposing team caught to advance to the league's ultimate game. The high-risk/high-reward model brought these two teams that far, yet ended identically.

The Vikings have their own history with these types of defeat (Darrin Nelson's unfortunate fumble against Washington in 1987, Gary Anderson's first missed kick of the year in the 1998 game to qualify for the Super Bowl) and, if history can be quantified, these two entities match up perfectly to create another sad ending for their mutual seasons.

While very few of the players are the same from these examples, the one holding the football last seems to be the same. Viking fans should beware of this tendency.

Once again, I thank the mythical version of Malcolm Gladwell for his appearance.

As a Viking household, Casa du 7DB kept a skeptical distance from embracing this year's squad, despite a strong regular season and a rather efficient season from Favre (his best statistical season ever). The 'tipping point' came in the fourth quarter of the NFC Championship game against the eventual champions from New Orleans. After a solid showing by the Vikings defense, Favre and the offense began driving the ball at the end of the game, needing only a few yards to be in position for their reliable kicker to score the game-winning field goal. Some unfortunate play calls from the coaches left Minnesota with a third-and-two from about the 35 yard line of the Saints. A 52-yard field goal, while no gimmie, is very makeable for a veteran like Ryan Longwell.

This is the point in time. When a fan believes that everything in the balance can be changed by their behavior, despite being far removed from the field of play. No trips to the kitchen were allowed. The remote had to stay in the left hand. All of the anti-jinx behavior was in full effect...and then...

There is a picture in my wallet, taken at the holiday work picture day that big companies like my father's employer ran in the 70's. This one was taken in December 1976, coincidentally the last time the Vikings went to the Super Bowl, and the year Family 7DB attended a pro football game for the first time. All the images of being able to replace that photo in the wallet with one of Mr. and Ms. 7DB taken at the wedding filled the mind. 2009! Maybe this was the year, since all we did this year was so exciting and wonderful...wedding, moving into a big, new house...good luck charms, all of that...

Ms. 7DB says "Don't do it!", knowing of jinxes as a lifelong fan of the Michigan Wolverines football program.

.............of course, you know what happens now, right?.........

The Vikings promptly call a bad time-out, then send too many players into the huddle before play resumed, causing a five-yard penalty. Then Favre, who killed the Vikings for years as the QB of the Packers, kills the Vikings as the QB of the Vikings by throwing back across his body while running, making an ineffective pass that was easily intercepted by the Saints. If Favre fell down where he threw from, Longwell kicks for the win from 56. Damn.

Game was still tied, but momentum was in motion. Overtime was inevitable. Woulda bet all future earnings that New Orleans wins that coin flip and makes a field goal after driving 30 yards. Ugh. Stomach Punch.

I could go on for a long bit about whys and whats, but it is the destiny of that team. Ugh.

Saints and Colts turned out surprising, but heart-warming. Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees holding up his 18-month old son wearing itty-bitty headphones to not deafen him in that atmosphere will be the enduring image of that game, despite Peyton Manning looking like the bully down the street kicked him in the groin and stole his Bomb Pop. 7DB hopes that those who worked so hard to help rebuild New Orleans and the area after Hurricane Katrina were able to take time to savor some positive press about their city for awhile, before they have to go back to mopping up vomit from college kids during Mardi Gras this week. They deserve it.

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Barack Obama is a record-setting President. He has made more speeches than the last 23 Presidents combined (rough estimate), and took shots at the Supreme Court during his State of the Union Address.

While admittedly playing a tough hand dealt to him by circumstance, the self-glorification tour of a populist President selling snake oil...er, health care...is not what those who supported a more moderate Democrat than Hillary in the primaries bargained for. Obama has proven to be an activist President with a liberal bent, and this will not serve the Congressmen and -women well when they run again after backing this dude. Sadly for the Republicans, the party is dominated by severely right-leaning people in the eyes of the media, so no apparent countermeasure is available at this time to dream about in 2012. Which leads us back to our 2012 naked Presidential candidate, Scott Brown...

(...more to follow on the pending Scott Brown / Sarah Palin videos being produced in the San Fernando Valley as we speak...)

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Some may have noticed that Seven Dollar Bill added a Support Haiti button on this very page. Hopefully, many of you have chipped in with a text to 90999 (write 'Haiti' in the text, and it sends ten bucks to the Red Cross for support) or via other means. Let us not make the mistake we have made in other lands, and forget about this catastrophe in the next news cycle.

This is a rare opportunity to rebuild a country known more for its flawed governments, corrupt business and civic leaders, and violent criminal history than for its natural beauty and passionate citizenry. Papa Doc and Baby Doc Duvalier were probably the only things most people between 25 and 70 thought of when the name Haiti was mentioned. Now the thought of 200,000-plus dead people and a country's capital lying in ruins with no war involved dominate the images.

As a policy, 7DB does not endorse foreign aid for most soveriegn counrties. Low-interest loans and trade deals can be good, but handouts generally do not work. In Haiti's case, however, the international community has the power to free a people trapped in poverty and political oppression with money and technology, and we as a global citizenry would be foolish not to seize the opportunity. Scratch the check, people...especially you folks in Iceland. You made us listen to Bjork, and this is a good way to pay us all back.

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In closing, the differences between Northern and Southern California are multiple and stark. The biggest difference? Northern California suffers through four months of crappy weather and constant (albeit mostly mild) precipitation, then Southern California thieves the water to grow lush grass on their lawns while they go roller blading on the Strand. This makes SoCal feel and act entitled and makes NoCal (oops, it's called 'NorCal') bitter like Boston sports fans. No wonder they wanted to split this state in two...

So much time has passed, I forgot where I left off...

2010-01-18T01:01:00.000-08:00

...but I'll see if I can catch a thread and go from there.

"There are three points of view from which a writer can be considered:
he may be considered as a story teller, as a teacher, and as an enchanter.

A major writer combines these three -
storyteller, teacher, enchanter -

but it is the enchanter in him that predominates and makes him a major writer."

-Vladimir Nabokov

During the substantial time away from the blog, 7DB has been searching out where in the writing spectrum preferred authors fall. Where does Seven Dollar Bill see this going, if anywhere at all?

Then the realization hit that this was meant to be an outlet for the backlog of miscellany that builds up when one gets caught up in daily life. Holiday seasons and quality time with Ms. 7DB took time into new directions...and pleasant ones, at that.

There have been hints dropped before, but the time for a major project is at hand. 7DB will be attempting a long form bit of fiction, and will be soliciting information from samples posted periodically. As the rules of this space allow, all input is welcome, appreciated and consensually solicited. No immediate info on the topic matter, but it will be a fictitious coming-of-age story, and it will not represent anything like the Technicolor menageries that have been popping up in the Book Club-to-Cinema set recently. John Fante will be a cited influence...

Enough of the ramble...just a warning for what is to come in some random column posts in the future. Now on to the backlog of interesting topics:

*It is remarkable that the Tiger Woods saga has come and gone since last a key was struck here, but a car accident, prescription drugs, infidelity (-ies) and divorce just seemed too easy to touch on. So many angles, and none verifiable due to their subject being a recluse when not hawking Buicks and beating the stuffing out of the country club kids we all despised as children. Hell, Tiger bought himself a yacht and named it Privacy. Need more be said?

Well...actually, yes. Those same country club kids-turned millionaires away from their inheritances are now feeling like firing away at the king of their sport. Many have teed off on Tiger's trevails, some for the infidelity and some for the arrogance that made him think he was above it all. Jesper Parnevik, the supplier of Norwegian nannies to PGA golfers as concubines, apparently, has decided that Tiger is a piece of crap. Jesper also decided that someone should care about his opinion. Someone feel free to tell Jesper to keep his trap shut until he quits housing 19-year old sets of voluptuous blonde twins at his house under the guise of employment as nannies, and also until he can learn that checkered pants, painter's hats and striped shirts look like he dresses in the dark.

The PGA Tour and its inhabitants are now being very vocal that all will be ok, even without Tiger. This mindset ignores the fact that purses have nearly tripled due to his presence, something that even Jack and Arnie cannot claim. Sponsors in a down economy have been dumping out of Team Tiger quickly since the events of Thanksgiving weekend, and their wild exodus from the PGA is pending if Woods elects to stay away for awhile. Ratings were dropping throughout the '90s until Eldrick showed up, and a similar decline will be witnessed again as the build-up to the majors begins next month. Is Davis Love III and Vijay Singh what people will tune in to watch?

When Tiger comes back, he and his caddie Stevie Williams will undoubtedly have ten hecklers ejected, arrested and flogged for yelling 'Philanderer!' during his backswing, then the inevitable destruction of all those uptight yuppie putzes he competes against will continue as if nothing has changed. His family life is a cyclone, he dates trashy golddiggers on the side and he's already lost more in endorsements than Michael Vick did upon his visit to the pokey. All of this with no crime committed. I will save the commentary on the hypocrisy of the public reaction, and leave it with an acknowledgement that he did to his children what his father did to him. That 'happiness' created the misogynist that works so manically that supposedly grown men tremble at the sight of him hitting a golf ball. It also created a billionaire cruising Perkins Restaurants for late-night hookups...sadness is all there is. Either that, or a membership to AshelyMadison.com

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Casa du 7DB recently became a Blackberry-free zone. The new Google phone made Ms. 7DB all googly-eyed, so the house is now filled with Droids instead of Emoticon smiley faces. The switch was prompted by improved browser capabilities, email management systems and a general relief that Research in Motion (RIM) will no longer get paid to create network outages from this house.

The business model is so unique that it bears mentioning one annoying facet: the consumer pays for the outages. If the satellite or cable goes out at the house, one calls TimeWarnerCastTv or whomever, and gets free HBO for two months as an apology. If the gas line provided no gas to power the water heater, the gas company would be out instantly to fix it. Blackberry outage? Yeah, we know about it...tough tulips. Call the provider, they blame RIM. Contact RIM, they say that the individual provider is responsible to credit back and outage time. Basically, they flip the middle finger at the consumer and shut off service if the bill is three days past due.

All in all, the HTC Droid Eris gets the Preliminary, Only Had it for a week and still Learning to Use it Stamp of Approval from this columnist, and no one under this roof will miss dealing with Crackberry issues ever again.

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In December, there was an interview on NPR (radio stations are limited in options near Casa du 7DB) of a woman who lives in rural Michigan. Joan Graham owns about 150 acres of property near Metamora, a bit north of Detroit. The picteresque property is a horse ranch with plenty of trees and streams and such, and Ms. Graham, having no heirs to be concerned with, wishes to donate the land to a conservancy that would protect the land for what it is...natural space.

(As an aside here, the nobility of the wishes of an 80-year old woman is remarkable and makes for a good story to remind us that possessions aren't everything. It gets creepy from here, though.)

Ms. Graham determined that, as a way to give back to Mother Earth, she would like to be buried on her property near a favorite tree. After sharing this wish with her chosen organization, the difficulties began, as no one running a charitable conservancy has any background in the mortuary business. There is also some legal issues to address, plus the general gross-out factor of some animals digging up her remains while a field trip of fourth-graders wanders a trail looking for a sandpiper to take a picture of.

To make things even murkier, this woman decided she would be willing to share the property with others wishing to be buried there, as long as they were not embalmed and could 'provide nourishment' to the fauna and wildlife on the property. This way, future residents of the area would be disinclined to develop the property, as it would be a sacred burial site...even though, to be sacred, it would denote a culture or religion, and no specifications on that have been disclosed, so...

This is one of many reasons why 7DB is against burial. Quit trying to own something in perpetuity. It is a large planet that existed for millions of years before you got here, and will keep spinning for a good while after you take leave. Be it cremation or something yet-to-be developed, return yourself to the minerals that made you. No culture can argue against not wanting to take up space for future generations. Plus, it is way less disgusting than attending a service surrounding a rotting carcass. If Ms. Graham wishes to preserve the property as a safe haven for animals and nature, three cheers to her for not being greedy. But leaving a shrine to oneself is counter to the altruism expressed with the gift. 7DB hopes she lives many more years and can find the answer she wants, while also hoping she sees the conflict in her current message.

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The NFL playoffs have been marching along, with four teams remaining at the time of this writing, include the personal fave of this columnist, Ye Ole Minnesota Vikings. Led by the world's oldest juvenile (with both good and bad connotations), the Vikings decimated America's Team (well, the 1977 version of America's Team, which was the Dallas Cowboys. I think the Patriots are now the owners of the moniker, as they have won a bunch, been caught cheating and are now hated like the Yankees are in baseball) by a final score of something like 3,518 to 3. Brett Favre threw a big Eff-You touchdown with two minutes remaining to hammer home the final score, then sprinted the field like a ten-year old.

It is hard to dislike his energy on the field. It is hard to argue with the results (13-4 so far). It is also hard to digest that this guy has retired three times in 41
months, and will probably do so again, just to avoid spring practice with the team.

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*On a serious NFL note, Chicago Bears defensive lineman Gaines Adams, the former #4 overall pick of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers just three years ago, collapsed and died at his family home this weekend. He was 26, and died of a heart attack, believed to be caused by an enlarged heart that he may have had since birth.

7DB hopes that it is not something that could have been tested for in the battery of tests that the NFL puts its players through, as controversy near sadness like this just makes people angry. Twenty-six? That is just not right. Best thoughts and prayers to his family...*

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Meanwhile, the Sta-Puff Marshmallow Man has coached Favre's old squad, the New York Jets, to an improbable playoff meeting with the Indianapolis Colts next weekend. Rex Ryan's team wins with solid defense and a good rushing attack. His rookie quarterback, Mark Sanchez, has shaken the stigma of playing at USC and actually developed in to a non-losing NFL player (see: Palmer, Carson and Leinart, Matt). Sanchez is not good by any stretch, but has succeeded in not screwing his team with bad turnovers and sloppy play. All of this is for naught, as the Colts will treat them like a bird treats liner paper in a cage.

The real story of the playoffs, however, is the N'Awlins Resurrection. The New Orleans Saints are playing exciting, high-scoring football on offense, and playing opportunistic defense. All of this while now being a strong and vibrant city again, after Katrina's damage just five years ago...

Wait a sec. There are still hundreds of houses sitting in the same shape they were in after the water receded. Over a fourth of the population did not return. The mayor is still besieged by rampant crime and infrastructure problems, despite billions being poured into the city from the state and federal governments. At least Reggie Bush scored a couple of touchdowns with his girlfriend watching...

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While on the topic of areas decimated by natural disaster, Haiti is f****d. This will be at least $100 billion and five years to bring back to functionality (although that term may be a vast improvement over what was there before), and there is no way to replace the estimated 140,000 people who have lost their lives, nor the potentially hundreds of thousands more still exposed to disease and little health care in the aftermath. A terrible, terrible situation that has shown many people to be of good character in immediate responses with resources and manpower that should make many proud to be from a place capable of such generosity. It will be a test of character for the Haitians, including the ones who dominate the taxi industry in coastal Florida. Those folks send money home via Western Union weekly, much as the Mexican produce workers (legal and otherwise) do in the West. So, for those visiting Orlando or Miami over the next few months, tip your cabbie well, as he is telling the truth that someone back home needs his help.

Then again, Rush Limbaugh can tell people that he already gave to Haitian aid by paying his taxes and everyone will point and decry him to be evil. While what he said is technically true (U.S. pledged $100 million the day after the earthquake struck), the part where he mentioned it to be good to contribute privately was not noted in the news reports. The topic came up as the White House announced they had created a way to contribute to Haitian aid via the White House website, and Rush was working with a news cycle that demanded he bash someone or lose sponsors (I'm guessing)...both sides look foolish for participating in that discussion, Rush for consciously trying to be 'edgy and controversial' and White House spokesman Robert Gibbs for calling Rush 'stupid' for reading the Executive's own press release. (Rush may be stupid for other reasons, such as oxycontin and opposition to gun control in prison towns, but this was not a proper use of terminology by a guy paid to handle wording well.) Just help the people and quit grandstanding, both of you, or I'm sending you to your rooms...in Port-au-Prince.

*The texting 'Haiti' to 90999 bit has already raised $10 million, ten dollars at a time. In a tough economy, that means one million people with cell phones kicked in a Hamilton to help. Be proud of America when it deserves it...

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With the forty-three other topics that rest on the 7DB list of grumps, one could safely assume more is to come soon. Many readers over the holidays mentioned that they noticed the impromptu sabbatical, and that is the kind of gratifying feedback that many aspiring writers never know. With hopes that all of you had good holidays with good food and better libations, I bid you adieu...until later this week.

Why the Gold Standard Jumped the Shark

2009-11-20T10:03:00.000-08:00

As 7DB has been watching gold prices soar while the rest of the economy struggles back in fits and starts, an interseting question arises: Do investors actually know what they are buying when they buy commodities?

Many can recall Gordon Gecko, played masterfully by Michael Douglas, from the movie Wall Street in the '80s. The line everyone recalls form the movie is "Greed is good.", but another line may apply to today's investors buying things they don't understand.

"The most valuable commodity I know of is information."

When stocks went all topsy-turvy, people were convinced by their half-wit investment counselors to get out of the market and into commodities. Truly, what am I gonna do with a pork belly? My freezer is already full of turkey for Thanksgiving...where am I gonna store those?

Jokes aside for the moment, several thousand investors have money in sugar and sugar futures, and 7DB can guarantee they do not know about how approximately one in eighteen of the workers producing that sugar (from beets, in America) are slaves. Real slaves. Debt bondage, kidnapped from another country, even homeless people trucked in, plied with liquor and cheap drugs, then worked seven days a week, twelve hours a day.

The morality of money has always been of interest to this columnist, as too many actions are driven by the need for it, and even more alarming is the number of actions driven by the sheer want of it. The economic downturn has been attributed to investor greed and these made up 'credit default swaps', which are more or less insurance for investors against...loans going bad that were made and packaged by others who don't wish to reap the rewards of those loans.

A Reader's Digest breakdown: 7DB loans another lonesome blogger $1,000 at 10% interest, payable at one hundred dollars per month until paid off. That $100 in profit requires 7DB to wait eleven whole months to make a measly one hundred dollars, so the loan is sold to Bank X for $1,030. 7DB makes a profit, Bank X gets free money for doing nothing, and the terms of the loan do not change for the borrower. This is standard stuff.

Bank ABC thinks that Bank X is going to screw up the loan, so it buys insurance on the loan from AIG for the $1,000 loan for a total of $200. When Bank X tries to insure itself against the loan defaulting, their insurance is also $200. When the loan does default, due to the economy being unstable or what-have-you, Bank X and Bank ABC get paid $1,000 each from AIG. Bank ABC's involvement is on a credit-default swap.

So, to reset: Original loan maker makes $30, Borrower received $1,000 and never paid it all back, Bank X lost only $230 and Bank ABC made $800 for doing nothing. AIG loses $1,600 on the premise that most of the time, these loans get paid back. When everything goes sour too fast, AIG is too exposed, and the U.S. taxpayers step in with a few hundred extra billion, and all is paid in full.

Makes sense? Not to anyone without years in the business and to no one who does not have a bit of Gordon Gecko in them.

Hence, the broker can sell his clientele on commodities. Platinum trades at $1400-plus per ounce, gold trailing slightly at around $1150 as of this writing. The only applications of these rare metals that most people are aware of are sold by places that put the metals in a little blue box and mark it up 1500%, all in the hopes of some physical or emotional interaction with its recipient. These metals, like many other commodities, are up hundreds of dollars in these past few years, gold alone being in the plus an astounding 156% since 2005.

The question is: what are people buying when trading in this? Gold is trading at $1100-plus, but the local jeweler is probably paying about $350 an ounce for it. The melt places available online or by mail are paying in the low-$400's. Where do any of these come to a 'trading' number of $1100? It retails for more, but that is due to design and overhead from the distributors (Jewelry Mart, etc.), so there is no actual place that this commodity trades for this number outside of Wall Street.

All of this brings up the point of this diatribe, being there is one major investor whose name is well-known and whose policies on investing are proven and sound. Warren Buffett operates Bershire Hathaway, effectively a holding company that has shares trading for $103,000 per share. No splits, no 3.25-for-1.75 stock swaps. Just a stock that gains value all the time. The Class B stock, available for a far more reasonable $3,400 per share, gives investors a readily attainable way of benefitting from Buffett's strategies.

What are they? Buy stock in stuff that one can understand how it works and what it does. Buffett's most recent acquisition target was not sexy to most investors. He bought a railroad company. Burlington Northern, the biggest on the block, for $34 billion (yes, with a 'B'), knowing that these 'commodities' need to be transported somehow.

Berkshire Hathaway, without boring readers with too much minutiae, own parts of insurance companies (GEICO, with the little Aussie gecko), banks (Wells Fargo, U.S. Bancorp, M&T), consumables (Coca-Cola, Kraft Foods) and retailers (Wal-Mart) not to mention Nike, CostCo, Johnson & Johnson...you get the idea. All household names, all products and services that everyday life uses.

Want to prevent another fallout in the world's economy? Buy stuff you understand. Simple, isn't it?

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Some stoner-looking kid won the National League Cy Young Award, given to the best pitcher in baseball each year. Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants won his second consecutive of these, even though he looks like a fifteen-year old skater punk.

Lincecum won in a very close vote over two teammates who both could have won individually (and may have cost each other by splitting loyalty voting), Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter of the Saint Louis Cardinals. (Check this link to see Lincecum throw a ball with what looks to be a mini-hula hoop around his neck. http://sanfrancisco.giants.mlb.com/team/player.jsp?player_id=453311)

While the tall, skinny skater boy would appeal to Avril Lavigne fans around the world, the thoughts at Casa du 7DB revolve around the other two top vote-getters. Cardinals fans right now must feel a bit like Democratic voters in 2000, when Ralph Nader split the voter block and allowed G.W. Bush to make a very competitve election out of what would have been a runaway for the Inventor of the Internet and Savior of the Environment, Oscar and Nobel-award winner Al Gore.

Adam Wainwright was a closer for the Cardinals at one point, brought in to shut down any hopes of a rally in later innings of games to guarantee the victory. His aspirations (and robust success) as a starter very well could have cost Carpenter the Cy Young, and the $250,000 bonus that went with it. (Carpenter did get a $100k bonus for finishing 2nd, as did Wainwright for finishing 3rd in the voting.) While it may seem an insignificant difference to multi-millionaires, the long-term monies lost to Carpenter by not winning that award could be tens of millions on the free agent market.

No matter. I am sure that Lincecum will build a sweet halfpipe in his yard and let all his bros come and shred on it. Congrats, kid...

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***7DB note: A short post today, with a weekend column coming and two columns next week before all eight (8! We're growing!) readers take the long weekend off for mass tryptophan consumption.

Things that 7DB has to be thankful for: a lovely new wife (the aforementioned Ms. 7DB), a lovely new home filled with cool animals in a different city than where the last 18 years went by, a phenomenal new family of in-laws and cousins, oh my!, the Official Brother of 7DB and his fantastic wife and stepson, cousins and aunts and uncles scattered acorss the nation (making the 7DB voting bloc of considerable clout in Washington in 2012...YES WE CAN!) and many friends and extended (read: non-blood relative) family. From the 7DB family to yours, Happy Holidays...

Leggo my Eggo...or I'm gonna kick your a**!

2009-11-18T13:41:00.000-08:00

Apparently, it has finally come to pass: there are not enough Eggos to go around. The wildly popular breakfast waffle is in shortage for the foreseeable future, due to flooding in Kellogg's Atlanta bakery. Estimates to catch up on inventory shortage put mid-2010 as the target point.

So, to reiterate, the world will be down on their Eggo's until late spring. Maybe those folks who notice this will be able to mix in some fruit or a bit of exercise during this unfortunate shortage. Perhaps the intake of bready, doughy food that can be eaten with one hand while negotiating traffic en route to work with the other hand will be reduced enough for traffic safety and flow to improve. Possibly, there could even be a Eggo Flip Flop Choco Nilla Waffle reduction that could cause some of America's more corpulent children to throw a fit just long enough to burn some of the 200 calories per serving (before syrup) that these gut bombs contain.

Nahhh. USA! USA! Make more fat kids who don't give a crap in class. USA!

( http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/108191/leggo-your-eggo-theres-a-waffle-shortage )

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The Charlotte Observer recently printed a list of salaries for NFL quarterbacks for the 2009 season. Eli Manning of the New York Giants led the list with a $16.25 million salary for the year, followed by USC grad and Cincinnati Bengals QB Carson Palmer, trailing by a mere $80k. Eli won a Super Bowl a couple years back, and Palmer has his team in front of his division, so some of those are justifiable. Let's visit the ones that aren't.

67-year old Brett Farveverevrvrrve (eighth-highest salary, $12.5 mil) leads the league with a 107.5 passer rating and his team is 8-1. That one is good. Sage Rosenfels (28th, $3.82 mil) is the man that was brought in to start for the Vikings before Favre un-retired again. That one is not good. Jake Delhomme of the Carolina Panthers (23rd, $6.08 mil) has thrown thirteen passes to opposing players, and his team is horrible. But the winner (or, Biggest Loser) is...former Bronco Jay Cutler.

Cutler whined his way out of Denver, prompting the team to trade him to the Chicago Bears. Cutler demanded (and was given) a shiny new contract that pays him $14.67 million, fourth-highest in the league. This year. The fourth-year quarterback has managed to lead the league in one category: interceptions, with 17 thus far. He has also guided his team to a sterling 4-and-5 record.

Cutler has joined many athletes in contributing to the founding of the Crabtree Corollary. Athletes who believe they are bigger than the team games they play end up stinking up the joint, negatively affecting the fan base, and generally souring people on the sport they play. Next up, 7DB fave Larry Johnson, now a member of the Cincinnati Bengals. Watch LJ knock the Bengals out of the playoffs in the first round after creating a cancerous atmosphere in their locker room, then leave a comment on the bottom of this column to commemorate said event.

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The Congressional Budget Office has announced their estimate of the House's health care package to save America costing approximately $849 billion over ten years. After the ten years, some folks are anticipating it paying back small portions of the outlay to the federal government.

Without going into the merits (or lack thereof) of the bill, the idea of this plan eventually putting money back into the tax coffers is laughable. I seem to recall state governments around the country saying that state-run lotteries would 'supplement' education funding, then slowly pulling away the funding that the lottery would supplement, then slowly pulling away portions of the lottery revenues to 'payback' the state for its educational overruns, then blaming lottery officials for not meeting revenue targets. All the while, educational standards suffer, and teachers and support staff are paid like burger flippers. Is there any doubt that this will come to pass with health care? Any at all?

I wish I could have submitted budgets for projects at work and told them they could make money in ten years, knowing full well that cost overruns are acceptable and probable. Then again, I wish that puppies could fly, and that hamsters could do accounting. Oh wait...the CBO.

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There is a company, probably one of many, that will vet names of babies for people for a fee, making sure the children are not inadvertantly named something that would expose them to ridicule. While not touching the last names proferred, first names are often misinterpreted or chosen because they 'sound nice', and this can cause problems. Today's Translation in Great Britain is here to solve this problem.

Many remember the Chevy Nova, a muscle car produced in the 70's by GM. The Nova had a 'shooting star' marketing campaign and sold fairly well, but not so well in Mexico. Why, you ask? Simple. 'Nova' in Spanish means 'no go'. Therefore, GM was trying to sell a car entitled 'no go' to a seemingly skeptical public. Same idea behind naming babies.

For example, America's favorite couch-jumping idiot and his new wife had a baby. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes elected to name their baby Suri. There is a bit of a problem with that name, it seems...

"It sounds incredibly nice, but in Japanese, we found it means pickpocket," said Jurga Zilinskiene, Today's Translation's chief executive, whose first name means "farmer" or "earth worker" in Greek.

Suri also means "turned sour" in French, "red" or "fire" in Farsi and "horse mackerels" in Italian - not exactly the words parents want associated with their little darling.

The first punchline about this that came to mind involves The Church of Scientology welcoming a pickpocket into the fold, then realizing they are over the limit. Resisting those jokes, realize that this little girl will probably have enough issues to overcome due to her very...um, 'interesting' parents, but to now add on being named for something sour in French, and something called a horse mackerel in Italian just seems like piling on.

Which is what we're here to do.

Suri can always go hang out with Apple Martin, she of Gwyenth and Coldplay's Chris fame, and Zuma Rossdale, from Gwen Stefani and Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale. This may help her to feel more normal...unless she travels to Kyoto.

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Lastly, to summarize the real estate market nationwide, and more specifically in cash-strapped Detroit, Michigan, the deal of the century recently took place.

The Pontiac Silverdome, once home to the Detroit Lions and many major concerts and events, was recently sold for...$583,000. Thousand. Barely a half a million. A building paid for by the citizens of Michigan to the tune of $55.7 million just 35 years ago, sold for peanuts, just to get the $1.5 million in annual upkeep expenses off of the books of the city of Pontiac.

Councilman Everett Seay said he expects someone -- possibly a prospective buyer turned down in recent years -- to file a lawsuit to block the sale.

"The citizens of Pontiac deserve better," Seay said. "This is pennies on the dollar (of what it cost). It goes to show how bad times are ... Worse, we don't even know who bought it."

The sale was executed by sealed bid, leaving an unnamed Canadian company as the winning bidholder. The Canadian company is planning to bring a soccer league or franchise to the building, but no one can contact the new owners, as no one knows who they are yet.

I have a newly found affection for Michigan, having recently married one of its most beautiful citizens, but I cannot doubt that the city of Pontiac is reeling for reasons of its own doing. It is named after a defunct automaker, for pete's sake! If Pontiac, MI took on a new moniker, perhaps one that would be attractive to the new soccer team, they could start in to a new future. Maybe call themselves Manchester City, since they have a good reputation for soccer...just don't use that silly 'FC' in front of the name. FC East Detroit doesn't have a good ring to it.

Hot Bloggin' on a Friday Night...

2009-11-13T20:34:00.000-08:00

While Ms. 7DB watches some show designed to make women between 25-45 whimper silently into their Chardonnay (if it is a Private Practice, why is it on national TV???), it seemed like a good time to catch up on the rest of yesterday's topic matter...

It brings no small amount of pleasure to the 7DB household to watch the misery of the Green Bay Packers fan base as their Hall of Fame-bound quarterback plays for their rivals and kicks the snot out of them. It does not change, however, how much the Minnesota Vikings fans should dislike having Brett Favreverevevrvre as their quarterback.

Without boring those of you who read my columns and do not follow sports so much, having Brett Favre at the helm of the Vikings is similar to Tom and Jerry teaming up to get Spike to stop hitting Tom with a trash can lid.

For those of you born after 1980, the Favre/Vikings parallel may be better described as having P. Diddy produce Tupac's album after Notorius B.I.G. was shot and killed.

For those of you with very little in the way of pop culture references, the Favre/Vikings situation compares well to Nancy Pelosi becoming a spokesperson for Fox News.

For those born in my grandfather's generation, it is the same as having Winston Churchill invite Joe Stalin to run for British Prime Minister after the Marshall Plan took effect.

For those who are sick of analogies, I will stop now.

For those of you who aren't, more will be posted in the comment section of this blog.

It pains any true Viking fan to cheer on someone who has caused so much turmoil for this team over his 18 years in the NFL. This Benedict Arnold leaves 7DB feeling...well, British. (those of you born after 1980 should Wiki this reference) It is just too difficult for the Viking fans of lore to cheer on a turncoat rival.

All of the Packer fans who read this column can take heart in the fact that Favre usually starts showing up on the injured list right around this part of the year. At that point, vengeance will be theirs, but the Packers next play the Vikings sometime deep into the fall of 2010. So, Packers fans can stick it. :)

For those of you born after 1990, the Favre/Vikings equivalent would be LC deciding that Brody would be cool to date if Blake Lively ever gives up on him. Or something equally inane.

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Robert Enke is a name that most of the readers of this column will not recognize. He played soccer for a living, making him even less likely to appear on the radar of the average American. Don't feel guilt for this, as many are still not sure soccer is a sport.

Enke (Soccer stars, known as 'footballers' around the planet except for America, often pick their first or last name as their common moniker. The reason this doesn't work in the U.S.? There would be forty-seven 'Joe's and 'Smith's. It does work for the NBA, as many players in that game have unique names...but I digress.) was a top-tier goalkeeper for Hannover 96 in the major circuit known as Bundesliga in Europe, as well as the leading contender to be the keeper for the German National team in the prestigious World Cup coming up. Professionally, it appeared that Enke had it all coming together.

On Tuesday, two days after helping his team to a 2-2 draw against Hamburg, the thrity-two year old Enke walked off of a train platform in front of a regional express train. His wife disclosed after this horrific event that Enke had been battling depression for at least six years. His first daughter, Lara, was born in 2004, meaning that his wife was pregnant in 2003...six years ago. Lara was not long for this world, as a congenital heart defect tragically stole her from her family at the age of two. The couple adopted baby Leila in May of this year.

(Pause for dramatic effect.)

I am angry. At everyone involved. Enke's wife knew he was depressed for six years? How did a man with access to the best of health care in all of Europe not have an opportunity to seek help for this? 7DB refuses to pin this to the weakness of socialized health care, but...what the heck? Even worse, how did Robert (not ENKE, the athlete...but Robert, the father) check out on his new baby daughter Leila?

While readily acknowledging limited understanding of mental illness existing outside of these two ears, 7DB has little patience for those who take responsibility for those who need help, then quit on those responsibilities. Enke was ill and needed help...but wtf?! Someone failed Robert...either his wife for not forcing him into a situation of help, his various teams for not doing a psych profile on an athlete who plays a position that demands solitude, or the system that allowed him and his wife to adopt a child without a psychiatric evaluation. There are too many places along the way that a 32-year old man can find the support he needs when things are bad. 7DB will probably be the only American who wonders why no one will answer these questions.

Then again, he played soccer, so maybe there was something else deeper that was wrong with him...

(What? Too soon?)

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The two Bear Stearns executives, Ralph Cioffi and Matthew Tannin, recently put on trial for conspiracy and fraud (and a de facto trial of the financial system) were acquitted in a Brooklyn, NY courtroom this past Tuesday. The acquittal upset many folks reading or hearing about it, and even more of those reporting on it. And those people are very wrong to be mad.

If the worldwide financial meltdown hadn't happened, this case never would have been pressed. If the feds didn't also have the folks at Countrywide and AIG in their sights, this case would have been handled in a much quieter fashion. The federal court system is currently holding show trials on behalf of an angry America. The public needs to know that someone is responsible for their pensions and benefits being slashed, their friends and loved ones being unemployed, the economy's struggles...that somewhere the blame rests on something that can be pinpointed.

And that is just silly, isn't it?

The case was built around accusations that these two execs planned to defraud thousands of investors out of millions of bucks. The truth is probably closer to the idea that they felt like they either a) screwed up and people were losing their money, or b) that things out of their control were driving the market, and that they had to tell their investors to hold on until they could figure out how to fix it before they took their money to another investment house. Simple case of C.Y.A. gone bad.

Dumb? Yes. Criminal? Possibly. Malicious? No. Instead of trying the charges they knew they could hit, the Feds tried to hit them on all the counts they could muster. It backfired, and now they have an issue about what they can and can't try to do against future defendants. Stupid for federal prosecutors, but grooves right in to the show trial concept.

As time goes by, the economy will recover and eventually outpace where things were when it all went bad. As it does, people will want to move ahead with their lives. Bernie Madoff will be a slightly humorous footnote, AIG will go back to running commercials and having the general public wonder 'What the heck they do anyways?' about them and things will move forward. To get us there, we need blood. Even if it's from the wrong place.

Anyone who has had money in the market or a 401(k) in the last ten years has likely benefitted from the credit default swaps and mortgage-backed securities that history will point to as the source of our misery in 2008 and 2009. There were few complaints about the highly complicated way these profits were made, but lotsa griping when that same money was lost. Guilt like that is a complicated thing.

The easy solution is the show trials of a few of the 'greedy' people that still made money when everyone else was losing. (Don't mix Madoff in with these folks, as he was a pure thief. He didn't even pretend to try to invest moeny. He stole from Peter to pay Paul. And himself.) Trials of this nature went on with regularity before the financial crisis without so much as a peep out of the mainstream media.

Total bloodlust. Don't buy the hype. The economy will be ok in less than two years...just hang tight.

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There is a feature about Cat Ladies on 20/20 tonight. Ms. 7DB had two when we met, three now, plus two lovely puppies. Some of the women in this feature have over 100 cats in a two-bedroom house. If Ms. 7DB were awake right now, instead of asleep on the couch with a book on her lap, the 7DB Universe wonders what would be said of this segment.

This love triangle was just spacy...

2009-11-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

NASA has continued to shovel off the fallout from the bizarre love triangle involving astronauts Lisa Nowak and William Oefelein. Oefelein was dismissed from the space program this week, returning to the armed forces from where he came.

Oefelein, a married man, had an affair with Nowak while having a girlfriend on the side, one Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman. Nowak became aware of the extra relationship, believing that a man should apparently have only one extramarital affair at a time, and responded like any sane woman would. She tried to kidnap Shipman, while packing a BB pistol and an air hammer. Nowak was arrested at the airport when the kidnapping was foiled by the victim...rolling up her car window and driving away.

Nowak drove non-stop from Orlando to Houston to catch this woman at the Houston airport. This is where it gets weird.

To get there faster, Nowak reportedly wore diapers so she would not have to stop. I repeat: She wore diapers to be able to not stop driving to catch a woman that she believed was having an affair with her lover, who was married.

Now, most of my seven readers have been jolted at some points in their love lives. Breaking up is never easy to do, to be sure...and maybe we have had the thoughts of some sort of revenge on the third party as the emotions sort out. I can tell you that driving by someone's house to see if they are home is waaaaaaaaay different than to cross two time zones with weapons to try to abduct someone from a highly-secured area like an airport.

Doesn't the rage fade when you hit, oh I dunno, Tuscaloosa? Maybe Birmingham? The thoughts "This is crazy! What am I doing?" should have happened somewhere in there, right?

Oh, by the way, Nowak was married during the affair, too.

So, if you cheat on your spouse, and the person you are cheating with is also cheating on their spouse, should you be surprised when they in turn cheat on you? Shouldn't you expect it, or at least note the possibility of it? I sincerely hope that NASA studies the effect of space travel on morality after this escapade. Or, at least, gives the rights to Vivid Video for a proper re-enactment video for those who are so inclined...

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As noted in this space, Penn State grad and Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson is an idiot. The team has acted accordingly, first suspending the idiot for his homosexual slurs on his Twitter feed, then releasing him outright when the suspension ended.

The now-former Chief was baited into an online war of words with 'fans' of his Twitter feed, then raised it (or, more accurately, lowered it) to a battle of slurs. When given a chance to respond to the media after this came to light, Johnson used the same slurs that brought up the issue to begin with.

Two thoughts: One, I hate to be accurate in predicting the stupidity of athletes. Professionally, I saw it up close, and it never fails to come true from the guys who play sports for money and take it as a sign that they have 'something special' to offer. They do offer something special...on the field, between the lines, when the clock is running. Afterwards, they should be very, very careful, as all eyes are on them, waiting for a mistake. Truthfully, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Larry, for the record, you told that Twitter user that 'U can't stop me getting paid.' I believe he did. Dummy. Pull your act together, and see if the Canadian Football League can use a washed-up running back that likes to slam minorities.

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In another instance of 7DB being both accurate and possessing fortune telling-skills, please note that the San Francisco 49ers have proven me right once again. When 49ers WR Michael Crabtree began his preposterous holdout to demand being paid more money than his draft position warranted, 7DB introduced the Crabtree Corollary, suggesting that the bad mojo generated from such a move would backfire, plus the loss in earnings would be significant.

Crabtree ended up signing a contract for the same money he was offered after he was picked 10th in the draft. He did so after the 49ers came off their first loss of the year, a nailbiter against the Minnesota Vikings, that was lost on the last play of the game. Since he signed his contract, the 49ers are 0-4.

Hopefully for all involved, Crabtree discovered that he acted badly on the advice of an agent who may have different interests than young Michael does. Either that, or a young, greedy kid got smacked in the mouth to the tune of $2 million in lost salary. Either way, I'm good with it.

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There will be more said in this space about the horrific events that took place at Fort Hood this week, but at first blush there are two glaring things to note:

1) Asking a man of faith to prepare young men and women for battle against people of said faith can be tricky. Asking them to do so in a climate charged with a xenophobic media and already marginal ethics makes for a bad formula. No matter what a man can say to your face, getting people riled up with veiled hints that faith drives the fury will make that prophecy come true.

2) How does a man live on a military base (recently transferred there from an East Coast base) and then take to arms against men and women that he eats, sleeps and socializes with? There is a deep-seeded truth that we have yet to see, either in a radical background from the alleged killer or an atmosphere of chaos and tension that served as a tipping point. It is vital to the interests of the nation and its military that this is rooted out and exposed to daylight.

If people are not given an explanation for what made this event happen, there will be an even louder chorus of distrust coming from those who believe that even having a military causes it to go find wars to sustain itself. No benefits can be taken from an ill-informed public when it comes to the murder of those we train to defend a way of life.

The thoughts and prayers of the 7DB family go out to those who were lost in this tragedy.

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Jennifer Lopez is suing her first ex-husband to stop the release of a 'honeymoon tape'. The tape is purported to include Lopez in various states of undress, plus includes a verbal disagreement between Lopez and her mother.

First things first. What kind of honeymoon includes anybody's mother? The thought of a mother being near a video camera within the same time zone as a honeymoon should be horrific to anyone who is married or wishes to be someday. (shudder)

Secondly, this suit has a history. Lopez has already blocked in court a tell-all book from the first husband, one Ojani Noa. Since he is the only former or current spouse of Lopez' who was not famous, she wants to make sure he gains no notoriety off of her past with him.

As it turns out, Noa is trying to sell a film about his life story. He has eleven hours of footage, and someone got in his ear and told him to get paid off of it. Lopez has been granted a temporary restraining order blocking the release of the video. Noa's comments, you ask?

"It's a movie about my life," Noa said outside court. "They're trying to ruin my life again ... She don't want me to succeed and that's the problem." (thanks to Kansas City Star.com)

Noa is obviously a scholar of high esteem. He will also lose this, and hopefully leak the video out anyways, just to piss Lopez off. She's not nude in any of it, according to reports, so the case behind it being 'damaging to her career and reputation' gets a bit more difficult to prove. Nonetheless, anyone with aspirations of a career of fame and fortune should be wary of anyone holding a video camera. Also, Lopez is a publicity hound of the highest regard, who has only become reclusive after marrying her third husband (not counting Ben Affleck, whose wedding to her was called off hours before it was to take place) in 2004.

I believe I speak for many when I wish that Mrs. Noa-Judd-Almost Affleck-Anthony-Lopez would just go play with her mad stacks of money and stay away from a camera or a microphone for awhile. Please?

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A Northwest Airlines pilot and co-pilot apparently fell asleep while flying a plane. While normally not too disturbing, as the pilot and co-pilot are by protocol to take turns getting rest on long flights, these two flew past their target city by hundreds of miles!

If it was a small airport, maybe you could understand them missing the runway and having to turn around or something, but it was Minneapolis! Very, very big airport, I can tell you from experience...oh, and one of their corporate hubs. Do you think any bosses were there to meet the pilots when they came off? They better have been. Since the airlines recent merger with Delta, customer service has been reduced to referrals to Delta's website, and their pilots are either overworked or undercaffienated. Feel free to throw some coffee onto the plane, boys....yeesh.

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The Berlin Wall fell 20 years ago this week, a lasting reminder of what was a horrific early 20th Century in Germany reduced to rubble by the hands of the citizenry. President Reagan told the leader of the then-Soviet Union "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall!" and the people then did.

Can you imagine building a wall to split a city like Berlin? Anecdotal stories of people escaping to the West during the wall's construction, dodging bullets from sniper towers as they ran, populated the youth of 7DB. The most amazing part was what happened over the next 40-odd years after the wall was built.

The pictures from both sides of Berlin are equivalent to black-and-white versus high-definition televisions. Dreary, plain mass housing and buildings not repaired from World War II to one side, ancient and glorious architecture, bursting with color and life, that has survived many wars on the other. One example of a lesson learned: no one my age or younger could imagine doing that to a great city ever again. Gooooo progress!

And now, finally, after his life was extinguished tragically some 45-plus years ago, John F. Kennedy could finally be the jelly doughnut he dreamed of being.

(Dangit. I was gonna let the reference go, but I fear some of my readers may not have been taught the historical point during their schooling. JFK travelled to West Berlin as it was then referred to, and proclaimed in a speech that 'Ich bin ein Berliner'. It was meant as a chant of solidarity with the Germans, but translates to 'I am a jelly doughnut'. There. Conscience cleared.)

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New post tomorrow, including fun stuff about Bear Stearns, the Green Bay Packers being absolutely terrible and a suicide-by-rail that has shocked the sports world, but not America, as soccer is not a sport here. See ya soon.
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One man dies, a baby is born...

2009-11-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

Every once in a great while, the calendar catches the eye and reminds the viewer how fast it turns. A birthday, the summer solstice, the monthly reminder chime on your Blackberry about the dog's medicine...there's always that moment that screams "Didn't I just (insert action) the other day?"

The stock market is at a high for the year, signalling the recession is ending, although the job market says otherwise right now. The new movie from the Coen Brothers is being released, reminding one of Fargo and The Big Lebowski, and how groups of people would cluster outside of the theatre, chain-smoking and holding cups of terrible coffee, huddled together discussing the marvel they'd just seen. Through all of this, I think of my father.

He died eighteen years ago. Today.

By doing some rudimentary math, that means that Dear Ole Dad missed out on a whole bunch of developments that would have fascinated him. He was an '80s technodork, with the calculator watch he gave me for my tenth birthday one of the best presents I can remember getting. (Although my mother and brother teamed up that year to get me my very own 19" black-and-white Philco television. I remember plugging it in, adjusting the antenna, and watching the first thing that came on. It was an episode of 'Get Smart', and I put on my socks and sat there in bliss while it unfolded...) What would that man have thought of this Internet, of LED TV's, of Blackberry's and iPhones, of even this blog, written by his youngest, available to the world at no fee? His fascinating and curious mind lives on in the uncontrolled morass that operates between my ears, but I can only imagine what he would have done the first time he linked a Palm PDA via Bluetooth and downloaded files bigger than the first computers he worked on in the '70s could even store.

He also missed both of his children getting hitched, missed the wars in the Middle East that he incessantly predicted would happen (Called it within a year of accuracy when the first Desert Storm-style invasion of Iraq would happen. Even guessed correctly that it would be driven by one country invading another over oil reserves, and that the United States would be forced to 'protect its interests'.) The last real conversation we had was about Magic Johnson and HIV. Magic's press conference announcing that he had 'attained' (Magic's word) the HIV virus and would be forced to retire happened two days before Dad passed on, and we talked about an athletic idol retiring before his time. Dad predicted that Magic would live on for "at least five or ten years...he's too healthy to lose the battle." (Magic, of course, is very much alive and well some eighteen years hence) As much as Dad caused me the headaches that teenage boys have when dealing with authority, it is hard to dispute that he was a smart sonuvagun.

Dad missed a bunch of stuff that it would have been handy to have him around for, and more things that would have changed the course of the future for some. I'll always be a little bitter he doesn't get to meet his grandkids (that are not en route yet, but will be sometime soon), and my negative opinion of him fades slightly as each year goes by. Time may indeed heal all wounds.

The only thing that repeatedly comes to mind today, however, is that the day Dad left this mortal coil, there were babies born. Lots of them. To think that a day that holds an anniversary of sorts for me is also a cherished day of freedom for literally thousands of young men and women...bizarre. All of these little runts that now can drive after dark without an adult in the passenger seat, that can now vote and file tax returns and such...they did not exist when my Dad was alive. I cannot believe how time goes. I never will understand that part, but will always be fascinated by it.

Happy birthday to the new cadre of kids born November 9, 1991. Embrace your freedom, and do good things with it. Make those who left before you got here into what history makes all of us: stepping stones into a new and better world.

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I purposely did not make posts during the last week or so, due to my mind being overwhelmed by the amount of dumb things that happen and would provoke columns of the sort I normally post. In the good news department (for you loyal six readers), 7DB seems to be drawing up some of that old-fashioned angst again, meaning that many columns will be flying at you in the near future. Stay tuned...and thanks for reading.

The decreasing value of a Penn State education...

2009-10-26T11:41:00.001-07:00

...was illustrated in the Sunday activities of Larry Johnson, a running back for the Kansas City Chiefs, who had their a**es handed to them in a narrow 37-7 thumping at the hands of the now 3-3 San Diego Chargers.

Johnson, a malcontent well before this season, has not made it to the end zone thus far this year, and believes he is not at fault for this. In illustrating his coach's inexperience and lack of football cred, Johnson used his Twitter account to state:

"My father got more creditentials than most of these pro coaches."

That is followed by: "My father played for the coach from "rememeber the titans". Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn."

Now, while Chiefs' head coach Todd Haley is in his first year coaching in Kansas City, it should be noted he has six more games of coaching experience than Larry does, but Larry followed these blasts with some more savory bits.

Later, after some of his 'followers' remarked on his postings, Johnson taunted his followers by tweeting: "Make me regret it. Lmao. U don't stop my checks. Lmao. So 'tweet' away."

When someone then responded by mentioning his previous arrest record, which includes spitting his drink in the face of a woman out at a club, Johnson responded with a rant that included calling the respondent a 'f**'.

Please note the three letters, instead of the four that usually make up a swear word starting with 'f'. This negative euphemism for a homosexual has long been in the undercurrent of non-swear word swear words, but it also reflects badly on the people who are responsible for educating this 'man' (quotes to illustrate that this is not behavior of a real man), and we all know that this schlub didn't actually participate in the education that Penn State University kindly gave him, gratis. Nonetheless, the school is the one on my mind after hearing of this debacle.

If we agree, albeit begrudgingly, that college athletics have very little to do with college education, there is still the matter of what preparation for adult life is taking place in these institutions. If a college player does not take physics, I understand (a bit), as it may not apply to his or her chosen profession. If a college player does not take media relations (and score very well), the institution is failing in its true goal, that of preparing your students for adult life. Joe Paterno would take this little sh*t by the earlobe and make him run until he threw up a kidney if he were on campus still (I suspect), but his stupid stances on contract holdouts (as a rookie), public run-ins at clubs (the girl/drink sequence was his third altercation in his first two years) and his reprehensible interactions with fans noted here suggest that he is too far gone to help. No layers of agents and PR reps can cure stupidity, and Larry Johnson should, to quote a radio show caller, "shut his women-hating a** and leave Kansas City on the first thing smoking."

I hate PC behavior (other than computing on one, as Macs are designed for hipsters and graphic designers...two groups that are not mutually exclusive), and never like to believe that what people say in the heat of the moment reflects on their character in a permanent way, but the idea that he would post an unfiltered response on the Internet with such ill-chosen vernacular shows he is just flat-out dumb. Disconnect from reality is bad enough ("U cant stop my checks"), but adding scornful words in a derogatory tone for the 'cool points' of winning a text argument? Really?

If by the use of these words, Larry meant to call some nameless writer on a Internet page an idiot, moron or loser, all he did was identify himself as one. Go Nittany Lions!

(By the way, why not just 'Lions'? Penn State is almost 150 years old, and could have laid claim to a strong and simple name for its mascot easily. Instead, an agricultural school named itself after a non-farm animal, then made it really specific. The names of mascots in the Big Ten conference: Gophers, Hawkeyes, Badgers, Wolverines, Buckeyes, Wildcats, Fighting Illini, Boilermakers, Hoosiers, Spartans...and Nittany Lions. Warriors, regional animals, parts of a tree (nice work, THE Ohio State idiots)...and an animal that is a mountain lion that used to roam the range of Mount Nittany. Why so specific? Why not the Penn State Mountain Lions? Everyone knows they are dangerous wild animals...a Nittany Lion sounds like a Shetland pony. Cute, smaller and tame version of a proud animal. Just sayin'...)

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There is not much to say about Falcon the Balloon Boy that has not been said. He 'fessed up on Good Morning America (I think) that it was a gimmick for a TV show that Dad was working on. The family has appeared twice (twice!) on Wife Swap, the quality viewing that ABC is passing off as an advertising vehicle. Neither time did the visiting spouse enjoy their stay, it seems.

The problem lies in a similar spot to the plight of Jaycee Dugard. Jaycee, since being freed of her tent city jail in Northern California, has taken to the cover of People magazine and began the 'exclusive interview' circuit. I hope that she is able to eventually return to something of a calm and happy life, but the adults around her in her youth did little to contribute to that (and I refer to the abductors, Phillip Garrido and his wife, not her parents) possibility. Young Falcon was already behind the proverbial 8-ball with his parents' ill-advised naming choice, but now will be vilified by anyone with an Internet connection for perpetrating a hoax that made people care about his existence. Good luck in the future, young man...

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It has been estimated by those who do these kinds of estimates that it costs health care providers and the U.S. Government approximately $150 billion per year to take care of the obese and the health problems that occur in them. This number, whilst dwarfed by recent sums thrown around in various bailouts and such, is staggering.

Let me write it out: $150,000,000,000.

My paycheck for a week's work recently was, pre-tax, about 1/115,384,615th of that total. So, in about 2.2 million years, I alone could pay this off. For one year. If each of us adopted an obese person, then let the pharmaceutical companies keep us alive with drugs, given gratis of course, we could eliminate obesity once and for all. Or we could eliminate Super Sizing and delivery pizza. Either way...

A rare weekend post...from the road!

2009-10-18T04:53:00.000-07:00

One tends to pontificate a bit when one writes on a blog at nearly 5 in the morning on a weekend, but I promise that no alcohol was harmed in the making of this column.

7DB took the show on the road, returning to an outpost that served well in a previous incarnation. After spending some time with many people that have spent many, many hours toiling alongside yours truly, I have nothing but good feelings for the experience of touching on, and reconnecting to, a way of life I enjoyed so much.

I also understand that much of what I love about this adventure has changed in dynamic. It does not resonate the same way with me as it did before, although it still remains enjoyable.

The expectations for this trip were limited, as Ms. 7DB had to attend to some work matters several hours away, leaving her husband to tend to his metaphorical flock alone for a few days.

Even in a few short months, the perspective shift is remarkable.

Moving to Estate du 7DB after the wedding, shortly after convincing Ms. 7DB that said wedding to someone of my caliber (.357, if you must know) was a good idea to begin with, pulled at many resources and absorbed days and weeks at a time. Leaving behind just short of two decades of friends and acquaintences, of business contacts and employment experiences, all to start anew up the way is much more time- and energy-consuming than it might have been earlier in life. Finding outlets for energy, both mental and physical, in a place new in location and inhabitants can be daunting. Might actually drive a man to blog...

There was some thought that it was a case of getting older. Growing up. Since Christmas decorations are already in the stores, I can safely say Bah Humbug! to that concept. Another consideration: things change simply by leaving their presence and returning. There may be something to that. But an overriding idea keeps floating about in the mental conversation bubble floating overhead-

Everything keeps moving.

It can be hard to acknowledge, but when circumstances change, the participants in them change as well. It may not be perceptible or overt, but the most overwhelmingly familiar things suddenly are forever different. All involved have moved forward. It is often times important to remember to go forward with them.

Go forth and prosper, loyal readers of this space, and know that those not nearby are still aware of your presence...

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Without divulging trade secrets, I can safely suggest viewing the 2009 Spike TV SCREAM awards, airing next Tuesday (check local listings). The award show, in its fourth year, is dedicated to those often overlooked genres in the award circuit. Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror films and TV series comprise a rather large contingent of the TV viewing public's time, especially in that revered 18-30 demographic. Spike showed some savvy moving into the fray with a bold, bright evening of celebrating these oft-forgotten souls.

Many celebrity guests turn out to participate or just look on (past presenters include Quentin Tarantino, Jessica Alba and Harrison Ford), and the awards given are not of the garden variety (best slaying, most gruesome dismemberment, etc.) Sneak previews of the most anticipated movies in the field are shown (this year's quick peak at the next installment in the Twilight series is rather intriguing) and a festive audience shows up dressed...to kill. (Ok, melodramatic I know. But they wear masks and fake blood. Can't I wiggle it just a little bit?)

Even if these films and shows are not normally in your viewing mix, give this one-of-a-kind award show a shot. If for no other reason than watching the stuff that the 'others' watch and enjoy the parade of life that is more than a touch different. It's worth it, even for a Tuesday...

***New posts to come on Tuesday, as life returns to the Casa de la Siete Dinero then. Be well...***

This will be short, as I have to go pick up my Nobel for sitting here.

2009-10-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

The recent addition of another canine to my household has limited my ability (and energy) to post a column, but today's events have given me enough impetus to bribe my pets with treats to give me a few moments to get some thoughts on to (digital) paper. I have revoked Ms. 7DB's Internet privileges for one hour, buying me some time before we have another new animal at the Estate du 7DB. (Love you, Lovey!)

With Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I believe that something monumental has just taken place: The Nobel has jumped the shark.

Some history on the Nobel: In 1895, the Nobel Foundation was started out of the estate of Alfred Nobel, in response to some guilt ovber inventing something so destructive (dynamite) that his recourse for his guilt was to award money and prizes to those who work towards a better world. Winners of the Nobel range from Max Planck and Albert Einstein in Physics, Kipling, Hemingway, Yeats and Steinbeck in Literature, Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, Elie Wiesel and Jimmy Carter for the Peace Prize, and far too many other to ennumerate here. The award was declined by the German government for three different winners during the Nazi Occupation, as well as by a Russian writer in the heat of the Cold War. This award has stood as a international acknowledgement of the ideals of Nobel and the ideals of 'the world' for more than a century.

Some would argue that the award has been cheapened by some of its recipients in recent years, including Yassar Arafat winning in 1994 (along with Shimon Peres and Yitzhak Rabin) for their efforts in the Israeli/Palestine conflict. For those who are unaware, there is still a conflict, and piles of bodies mound on building tensions on a far-too-regular of a basis.

Arafat perpetuated this warring in the opinions of many, yet was given the award for his 'efforts' towards peace. This must be the impetus behind giving it to our President, the first sitting President to win since...Woodrow Wilson? Yes, Woodrow Wilson, the man who ended World War I by sending American troops to Europe and aiding his Allies, by going there himself to assist in establishing the League of Nations (now known as the United Nations), who helped shape the Treaty of Versailles (which pretty much invented the 'nation building' concept), who spent his youth working at his father's abolitionist newspaper...I see the similarities between Wilson and Obama. They list as follows:

-Democratic President

(Um...that is it.)

Wilson did something. Here's my vote for who should have won it: Greg Mortenson.

I made mention of Mortenson in a prior post, as a profile of his story and noble efforts have been chronicled in a best-selling book called Three Cups of Tea. Pick it up at the library if you have some time, and get through the first 60 or so pages before giving up...it pays off, I promise. Here, a Reader's Digest verison:

Mortenson started the Central Asia Institute, an organization dedicated to expanding educational opportunities in rural Pakistan, Afganistan and other outlying areas in the region. These areas are generally poor and de-emphasize educating young girls (due to tradition and some Islamic practice), yet there have been over 130 schools built in the region, including several dedicated schools for young women that have been approved by local Muslim leaders, after Mortenson had a revelation during a failed bid to climb K2. He came back to America, sold all of his stuff, and dedicated himself to finding the means to build schools for children that may never have seen a schoolhouse without him.

The selflessness of Mortenson's work deserves the acknowledgement. Wilson's policies stood as a template for the globalized world we live in now. The campaign promises of a President with toothless policies (thus far) despite having a filibuster-proof majority in Congress just doesn't add up. Oh, and he is about to start a war in Afganistan, and has sent troops into Somalia. Not very 'peaceful', is it?

Put aside for a moment where you stand on health care or gay marriage or Iraq and look at what this is: an acknowledgement from an esteemed institution for his world impact. Voted on by members of the Norwegian government, the Peace Prize is considered by many to be the most prestigious of the prizes, yet is voted on by members of a socialist government.

I could list a thousand folks who have been passed over for major accomplishments (Reagan/Gorbachev in 1985? Rememeber the Cold War?), but cannot name three things Obama has accomplished, much less three things worthy of mention for this award.

In 7DB's eyes, the award has lost prestige. Obama himself said there are more deserving recipients (Obama also promised the prize of about $1.5 mil to be donated to 'charity'. Hope he picks one or two before people move on to the next news item.) than he. Arafat was a miscarriage of the award, but it's design was to continue the peace process moving forward. Something can be said for that...but what has Obama done? The nominations were due in early February of this year, which means Obama was nominated before he had been in office for a month! Shame on Oslo, shame on Stockholm, shame on those who have defaced Alfred Nobel's will with this decision.

(For more on the Central Asia Institute, visit www.ikat.org)

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Quick hits:

-Brett Favre smoking the Packers like cheap cigars is always fun to watch. Still don't want him QB'ing the Vikings, but it is better than the pupu platter they would have rolled out if Kiln, Mississippi's most famous resident had stayed on his farm. I wonder if the Packer fans who named their children after him are yelling up the stairs, "Traitor! Hurry up and get dressed! The school bus doesn't wait for Traitors!"...

-The University of North Dakota is in a running dispute with some non-local Native Americans in regards to the mascot. The school has used 'The Fighting Sioux' as their nickname for about a century, most of that time with the blessing of the local Sioux community, as the school holds out scholarships for Sioux students who may not be able to afford the education. The main complainers include Russell Means, a non-Sioux Native American who has made his name as an actor in Hollywood, mostly playing stereotypical Indian roles.

In a related story, the Detroit Pistons have received complaints from local automobile owners whose cars are complaining about their parts being used as mascots for teams located in the city of Detroit. The activist parts group Michigan Organization of Various Engines (MOVE) wants the team returned to their original home of Fort Wayne, where they are less likely to be stolen from the cars where they currently reside.

-As predicted, Randy Quaid's arrest for him and his wife accosting a police officer after being stopped on warrants for skipping out on a $10k hotel bill 4 states away has been quietly swept into the tide of new daily news. My theory that the inundation of news outlets and Internet access have made people too passive, as their outrage can be saved for a day when they've had their Satrbucks, and the new items in the news can raise people's hackles. Lazy minds make for easy pickings for the hustlers of the world...be warned. They may have an award to give you.

Serious Topic Alert! Reader Discretion is Advised.

2009-10-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

I have spent more time thinking and reading about the topic matter of this column than any I have written thus far in this space. It contains serious matter and is on a sensitive topic. This digression from my normal topic matter will be just that, a digression, and not a change in theme...I just cannot resist. I have been rankled.

There has been a recent uproar in relation to an old case involving a Hollywood director that has led to the director's arrest just outside of Zurich. Some Hollywood folks, including Woody Allen and Martin Scorcese, have started and signed a petition for his release, drawing more media attention to the case. The case dates to 1977...

Roman Polanski is a film director. Roman Polanski also was something of an amateur photographer, and he used this hobby to entice the parents of a 13-year old girl to allow Polanski to bring her to his Hollywood friend's house to take some pictures. Then, in an undisputed recollection of events, Polanski plied the girl with a glass of champagne and a partial quaalude, then proceeded to do some things of a sexual nature to her. It was against her will.

None of the above is in question. All of this happened. The reason for the conflict some feel about this matter, about this arrest, about this entire sequence is what will be explored here.

To do so best, I will explore both sides. My viewpoint is irrelevant to this writing, but the argument is not only irresistible, it is imperative to understanding the different definitions of the word 'justice'. It is a case where the uproar is coming from the directions not anticipated, and the wish for remediation coming from those not expected.

First, the side of those wishing for Polanski's freedom and exoneration on these charges:

-Polanski agreed to a plea deal in 1977 that allowed him to be released after a 90-day mental examination in Los Angeles. His deal allowed him to complete filming a movie outside of the country, then return for the exam. He did return for the exam, and after 43 days, the court-appointed examiners determined that probation was a suitable sentence. When photos surfaced of Polanski attending social events during the time away filming before the examination, the judge, reputed to be a celebrity case-seeking jurist, sensed public embarassment, and revoked his agreement to honor the recommendation of the examiners. When sentencing was to commence after that withdrawl of the agreement, Polanski was nowhere to be found. The judge then issued a warrant, and bench warrants do not have a statute of limitations, effectively making Polanski a fugitive from the law.

-Polanski had no prior record, and has not committed any crimes of the sort (or any crimes at all that can be tracked) since.

-Polanski's wife, actress Sharon Tate, was murdered a few years before by the Manson family, and their sentences of death were commuted to life in prison, forever making Polanski a victim of the justice system in America.

-After 32 years of being tracked down and dragged through the sequence repeatedly, including participation in a documentary on the event, the victim wishes for no further action to be taken, if only to not re-open her deep psychological wounds. She is married with children, and has moved on with her life as best as she could after this terrible event.

-He is now 77, a pariah, and has spent 32 years in exile.

*Please note that this list does not include the aforementioned petition. The folks who wrote and signed this are, quite simply, out of line for commenting on the matter. So are the media outlets who gave this story legs by rehashing the events surrounding it. This matter should be discussed by those involved, not those rooting for a new movie to be made.

The case for making Polanski go to jail and serve a sentence that was never determined:

-It was rape. The victim was not only not of age, but has repeatedly claimed (with no rebuke by the defense) that she said 'No'. There is no dispute. That part of the case is closed.

Notice how only one point needs to be made for this side of the argument, and this is what I need to explore.

We have all been inundated with statistics of the percentage of women that have been sexually assaulted, in varying degrees, and with the percentage of these that go unreported. We also know the difficulty in coming forward about the offenses by the victims, as the combination of embarassment, victimization and old-school double standards of disbelief all combine to make the process of coming forward difficult. We also know that some lecherous douchebags take advantage of this. We, as individuals, all probably know someone (or multiples) that have been affected by a crime of this nature, and no one wishes for these crimes to go unpunished. One can hope that karma deals with the perpetrators, and one can hope the court system does, as well.

The question this brings is this: What defines 'justice' in this matter?

For the record:

-Polanski pled guilty to one count of unlawful sexual intercourse, acknowlegding he knew the girl to be only 13. He also admitted that champagne and sedatives were involved.

-The victim's family lawyer sent a letter to the court at the time, wishing for the sentence of probation to be agreed to, mostly to spare the child from testifying and being identified to the public.

-The plea agreement is on the record.

By the court's definition of it in 1977, he has more than served his debt to the public. By today's standards, he will be jailed for the rest of his life. With the climate surrounding these heinous crimes having evolved over the last three decades, there is no way Polanski would not see jail time. Any judge that agreed to the deal now that was made in '77 would never be allowed on a bench again by a growingly unforgiving public.

Should a man be penalized now on standards that have developed dramatically from when the crime was perpetrated? If so, why has Manson not been executed? By a fluke of federal law, Manson is alive and gets parole hearings regularly, as do his flunkies. This man has a very personal relationship with how the wind changes moods on crimes. Also because of the high-profile nature of Manson's crimes, he was allowed to make money that went to a trust that pays for his legal defense by telling his story. (The laws have since changed on a criminal's ability to cash in on his crime from jail...coincidence?) Some of the same people that helped commute all of those death sentences are pushing for child rapists to be eligible for the death penalty. Is that hypocrisy or evolution?

No justice is served by making the victim relive these events, and that is about the only thing anyone agrees on, yet some are willing to make her suffer more to get their own personal sense of 'justice' out of this 'outrage'.

The confilct arises when you speak with someone that has been victimized by some cretin in this matter. 7DB has some personal experiences with matters of this sort, having been around many survivors of these terrible happenings over the course of life, and there is no telling a victim of a crime like this that any sentence short of death by castration and infection is a proper dose of justice. The problem lies in anecdotal evidence making judgement calls in daily life. This is why society has laws and elects lawmakers, to prevent the lynch mob mentality taking over in situations such as these.

7DB guesses that the only answer is that there is no right answer. Although 7DB is an amateur, one could make a good case for a claim on Polanski's behalf that justice did not serve him, either in the loss of his wife or in the plea agreement 32 years ago. One should also say he raped a teenage girl, changing the course of her life forever, and that he has not paid any price of consequence for it. Both are true. If American Justice chooses to prosecute him on today's standards, however, we are doing a grander injustice to many more for a much bigger scope of time, and anyone with a knee-jerk reaction to this particular case is participating in a bastardization of the justice system we depend on as a society.

7DB personally endorses the idea of letting Polanski try to assimilate back into Hollywood. If he starts a foundation to assist victims of these crimes, maybe directs a movie with an empowering message to victims of this sort, finds ways to pay penance, that kind of thing...maybe he is allowed to die in America in five or ten years. If he does nothing, he can be tormented by the folks inclined to carry picket signs in front of theaters that show his work, and he can continue to be ostracized from society. There is no way, ever, that his name is said other than as:

Director Roman Polanski, convicted rapist.

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From the personal exposure mentioned above, it is never too late to get help if you or a loved one has been a victim of crimes of this nature. The horrible nature of the crime is exacerbated by the healing process that is a continual process.

One organization I am familiar with is RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). Seek them out at http://www.rainn.org or at 1.800.656.HOPE

Randy Quaid plus Brett Favrvrvrvrve equals The New World Order

2009-09-28T11:02:00.000-07:00

A weekend of reflection gives one clarity on the world. After narrow victories by 7DB's teams on Saturday and Sunday, plus some quality time with Mrs. 7DB, a grander understanding of the outside world became clearer. And it sucks.

Randy Quaid, most famous for being a dork in various acting roles (Vacation, anybody?), and his wife Evi were arrested in Marfa, Texas for evading a hotel bill in Santa Barbara, CA and generating an arrest warrant for the two. The bill is estimated to be in the $10k range, and apparently both of the Quaids fought back against the police when arrested on the warrant. Quaid produced a copy of a cashier's check at some point to prove he had rectified the problem, and this will now undoubtedly fade into the memory banks as something equally stupid replaces it on TMZ.

This is not the first time Quaid and his wife have skipped a hotel bill, it seems (previous news reports from two years ago bring a similar scenario to light), nor will it probably be the last. I am not sure if it is a cheap thrill for these folks to tempt the law, if it the need for excitement that brings a 'dine-n-dash' mentality to hotel bills on occasion or if it is financial difficulties stemming from a budding acting career gone awry (um...twenty years ago, that is), but it seems that Randy and Evi should find better outlets for their energies. The most disturbing thing is the trend towards everything that is not life-threatening being considered 'minor'.

If you or I had committed such an 'infraction', then assulted the officers who brought this to light, we would not have Internet access to read this column, I would think. The fact that Cousin Eddie got his own National Lampoon sequel in the first place is the crime I'd like him punished for, but there will be no lasting ramifications from this, I am quite sure...

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The brand-new TV seen resting above a certain fireplace nearly suffered a horrible fate as Brett Favrrvrvrvrvre and the Vikings played Sunday against the San Francisco 49-ers.

As the veteran quarterback kept getting delay-of-game penalties and was flagged for throwing a pass after he crossed the line of scrimmage (and flagged after review, as there was no infraction cited on the field), various items were sized up for their ability to fly through said TV screen, land inside the Metrodome, and somehow find the side of Favrrvrvrvrrvrvre's helmet.

The Vikings then scored a miraculous touchdown on an incredible pass to a receiver who admitted afterwards he was not supposed to be on the field for that play, but replaced the featured receiver when he became winded in the last moments, with two seconds remaining on the clock to win the game and remain undefeated.

The owners of the TV were relieved, although the Samsung company was disappointed at the loss of another potential sale due to replacement caused by said quarterback.

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So, as the headline suggests, these two stories connect somehow. That weekend of reflection made me realize that this world will never make sense in the context of any one story involving guys who retire weekly or never-was actors skipping out on the tab. How do I know this to be true, you ask? Only look to the new headlines...

Today, CNBC reports that, to commemorate the 60th anniversary of Communism in China, the granddaughter of Chairman Mao Zedong has opened a souvenir shop in Beijing, selling Mao-morabilia such as T-Shirts and bobbleheads with Mao's likeness.

The founder of communism in China, memorialized with a coffee cup, available for just 25 yuan. Think he'd approve?

When looking for obstetric innovation, our eyes look to Arkansas...

2009-09-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

...where a couple conceived a baby, then continued...um, 'conceiving', and became pregnant again. The woman, whose name was withheld from the reports this columnist has seen, was impregnated by her husband somewhere in March, had an ultrasound done, then became pregnant a second time since her ovulation had not completed yet. Two different babies at the same time, coming two-to-three weeks apart. Doctors can tell by the stages of development of the embryos that they were actually two seperate pregnancies, not twins, like any normal person would assume when two babies are to come out of one woman at roughly the same time.

They even have a term for it: 'Superfetation'.

(Pause for individual readers to generate their own punchlines, laugh quietly, then proceed with column...)

Three quick questions I have on the matter:

1) If someone organized a poll, asking Americans where they thought something of this nature would happen, is Arkansas the first choice, or just Top 3?

2) Was Bill Clinton involved?

3) Why is it 'superfetation' and not 'megafetation' or 'hyperfetation'? I understand not using 'polyfetation', because the woman's name may actually be Polly, and no one should mock a pregnant woman for not wanting to wait to get pregnant again by naming the process after her. A quick, informal survey would probably tell me many women would like to only do labor once for two babies.

The kicker on the story is that the children, if carried full-term, would be due to be born in seperate years, the first in December, the second in January. I am curious if that would hold up if she gets pregnant a third time. Now that's labor.
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Evander Holyfield, age 46, former four-time heavyweight champion of the world, has announced that he is now going to fight for the title in Korea sometime next year. He has also become, in his own take on George Foreman's success in marketing, the Lean Green Fighting Machine.

This development came after he installed several acres of a solar farm on his property, plus set aside an acre for inner-city kids to tend to a co-op farm. After battling his way out of bankruptcy via Taco Bell commercials, Evander 'The Real Deal' is back! (sort of)

His title fight in Korea will be against...well, he doesn't know yet. No fighter will commit to fighting the soon-to-be 47-year old apparent dementia victim, nor will anyone acknowledge the scary tendency for boxers not to retire until they drool on themselves. Wanna know why I am not down with boxing? Watch Holyfield's actions over the next 12 months and tell me that he is right in the head.

(And, to be fair, I applaud his efforts to participate in the fight against global warming and local food growing with children. I sincerely do. I also believe he has finally found an opponent in global warming that, in his golden years, will not beat him senseless on pay-per-view.)

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An Everett, Washington, coffee shop, aptly named 'Grab-n-Go', has had five of its employees charged with prostitution and lewd conduct. The employees, all female between the ages of 18-24, engaged customers in games of touchy-feely and allowed them to play 'basketball', involving the customers wadding up money and throwing it into the girl's undergarments.

CNN posted this story, then took it down. Could not even find it in their archives. The Everett, WA Herald is still showing the story on their website, however...

I have to believe that this improves the coffee house's business, even on reputation. Lake Havasu became a popular hot spot for Spring Break kids, even though the debauchery the place is known for stopped happening about 15 years ago. Grab 'n Go will see the same spike in customers.

The girls were required to sign a statement that there would be no illegal activity happening on the premises of that nature. I am absolutely positive the owner or manager did not wink and nudge when the disclosure was proffered.

Lastly, when did flashing for money become prostitution? As I have heard rumors of, there are these businesses that host this kind of behavior. They call them 'gentleman's clubs' and they serve drinks much stronger than coffee. I understand doing something about, say, a health code violation or something, but prostitution? Carl's Jr. should be arrested then for putting Paris Hilton on a car writhing about like an injured gazelle, holding a chili burger. Using sex with skanky women to sell product seems legal everywhere else.

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Chad Ochocinco ('nee Johnson) of the Cincinnati Bengals had a little fun with his opponent last Sunday, and now the 'conspiracy' has been exposed.

Chad (I refuse to use his new last name, as even he screwed it up on the paperwork he filed to legally change it. He wanted 'Ocho Cinco', but erred and made it into one word. Dummy.) told the media on Thursday before the game against Green Bay that he hoped to score a touchdown, then to celebrate as the Packer players do, by jumping into the crowd, a maneuver known as the Lambeau Leap.

This celebration is only done by the Packer players, since the Packer fans would not embrace the opponent players who jumped into the stands, and would perhaps hurt them if possible. Chad decided to challenge this premise after he scored. He scanned the crowd, found a couple of lucky Bengal fans who found seats down close, and ran and jumped into their arms. A classic, yet good-spirited, jab at one of the most loyal fan bases in the NFL.

Now, ESPN is breathlessly reporting that Chad bought four tickets in one of the end zones for some family members, who wore Bengal jerseys and gave him a safe harbor for his Lambeau Leap. It wasn't a spontaneous celebration! Oh no!

Look at it like this: Chad had to first score the touchdown, then do so in the proper end zone (teams switch direction every quarter), then make a three foot high jump into a crowd while holding a football. I know I'd have to do some planning to pull that off...and we should celebrate when a player has fun instead of being a hore's heinie. Back off, ESPN...don't you have some rooting for the Boston Red Sox to do?

Drug raid? Wii got this!

2009-09-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

Our fine bearers of the standards of the law in Polk County, Florida were kind enough to provide me with what may be my favorite column topic of the year. It was such a lovely story, that I stopped down on my chores for a bit of sharing with the (now) 5 readers of this space...

In March, Lakeland and Winterhaven police, in conjunction with the Polk County sheriffs, raided the home of a convicted drug dealer named Michael DiFalco, executing a warrant after a sting operation lasting over three months. The raid was successful, as they had arrested him outside of the home, but were still careful due to his confirmed ownership of weapons and his long criminal history. Documents filed with the court say the detectives found meth, marijuana, drug paraphernalia, weapons and more than $30,000 in stolen property.

To celebrate this, some of the detectives and patrol officers indulged in turning on the big screen in DiFalco's living room and playing Wii bowling. Many took turns, and total game play lasted over an hour. Unbeknownst to the officers on hand, DiFalco had a webcam hooked up to the computer across the room, and somehow the local TV station got ahold of the footage.

Imagine a raid, flak jackets and automatic weapons, nerves all a-jangle...how best to relieve the stress? The footage shows officers playing while other officers are carrying out materials that were seized while the bowlers are pumping their fists after getting two strikes in a row.

Now, I thought that the original Wii commercials in America demonstarting old people bowling in some sort of retirement home were brilliant, but...are you kidding me? Cops playing bowling after a raid in the guy's living room? This is genius! If Nintendo does not immediately buy up the rights to this video, I will lose so much respect for such a forward-thinking company.

There is some rumbling about the search warrant executed in the raid being invalidated in light of the footage of a rather competitve Wii matchup, effectively obliterating the evidence that convicted this roustabout meth-dealing scumbag. That would be a tragic miscarriage of justice, especially for the lady cop who made her baby split conversion while a handful of shotguns were being toted to the evidence locker.

Needless to say, I cannot wait for the episode of Cops that shows this footage.

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Today also highlights one of the more pronounced signs that the economic downturn reaches places people do not normally take into account.

On April 11, 2000, the National Basketball Association approved the purchase of the Dallas Mavericks by Mark Cuban, founder of Broadcast.com. Cuban sold his company to Yahoo! for $5 billion, right before the 'dot-com' bust, then became one of the most charismatic owners in pro sports with his purchase of his favorite team. The Mavs immediately became a playoff team and a championship contender. Now, another team is about to be bought by a man in a similar position...

Mikhail Prokhorov, the former CEO of Norilsk Nickel in Russia (the world's largest nickel mining company), placed a bid to buy the New Jersey Nets and provide a large cash infusion to build a new arena in Brooklyn, for an estimated $700 million.

Prokorov cashed out of his holdings early last year, placing his net worth north of $9 billion, just before the markets all bottomed out. With his new liquidity, he is apparently excited to become the first foreign owner of an NBA team. Nets shareholders are due to vote on the proposal in the next week or two...

How surreal is this? Russians with money involved in sports have a...well, interesting history. Many mobsters from the former Soviet Union adversely influenced the lives of several NHL players who had defected to play the game. Russian Mafia ties to gambling fixes have a long history, and many in America (those stuck in the pre-Reagan era of history) distrust anything eminating from Moscow.

Allow me to start the conspiracies now. LeBron gets Twittered at halftime telling him he needs to win by six or less at a road game in Brooklyn or his teammate's dog is gonna get it...Michael Jordan, Charlotte Bobcats minority owner, suddenly get super-duper rich, due to his living in Vegas and only betting on Bobcats/Nets games...Ron Artest turns up missing after an East Coast Laker road trip, and a ransom note shows up in Kobe's Bentley asking for exactly 18 points in the third quarter...Vince Carter shows up for the next game after mailing it in last time with one of his non-shooting fingers mysteriously missing...

Supposing the NBA approves this deal, the next big question is this: When did owning an NBA team in the biggest media market in America get so darn cheap? The Lakers, Knicks and maybe the Celtics could be considered worth more than the second team in the New York area, but none of them were valued at less than $700 million by Forbes magazine. Add in a new arena (worth $300 million, or worth $60 million per year in revenues), and get the whole package for less than 3 years of the Yankees' payroll? This deal is worth $1 billion 18 months ago, but times are tough all around, it seems. Wow. I wonder how much the Clippers would go for...anyone have change for a twenty?

Craig's List, Kayne, Baucus...and why none of them matter at all.

2009-09-16T14:51:00.000-07:00

As a brief aside, thanks to my four readers (we're gaining!!!) for their reminders about my promise to write more, then getting distracted and posting less. To make up for this, expect this one to be more than a one-trip-to-the-restroom type of read.

This will not be a diatribe about thew downfall of humanity, nor will it be an unadulterated rant at technology and how it makes us all dumber. This will, however, be a succinct interpretation of why three of this week's newsmakers do not matter to anything, ever.

Kayne West pulled an idiotic stunt, ripping the mic out of Taylor Swift's hands to pump his collaborator's wife (Beyonce) for her work and punk the award winner for hers. Bush league. Even moreso after Beyonce won the bigger award for the same work later in the award show. After that, then Kayne felt bad and apologized to Swift and her family.

If you're a fan of Kayne's performances or recordings, good for you. This has nothing to do with that. His idiocy was grand enough to have someone Twitter on about President Obama's reaction to it, calling West a 'jackass'. So, the natural question this brings to mind, you ask? Riddle me this, Kayne:

Does Barack Obama hate black people, too?

No sane person can defend West's behavior. After he stunned Mike Myers and the American viewing audience by telling everyone that George Bush hates black people in response to the disaster of Hurricane Katrina, most thought him to be rash, but passionate. Agree or disagree with his viewpoint then, that kind of outburst can only be attributed to emotion. This can be a forgivable thing at times...but after an equally irrational bout of verbal diarrhea over an MTV Video Music Award, he now can only be called stupid. Kayne, you are stupid. It does not matter that you rap. It matters even less what skin color you are, what your heritage is, what you ate for dinner...you are stupid. That, of course, will not stop you from making money producing albums, so you have that.

Rule 1: Stupid people do not matter.

Craigslist is full of delightful people hiring nude models, selling junk that should be given away or recycled and folks seeking to meet other folks for 'discreet FWB NSA action with a BBW', whatever on Earth that might be. Job listings on the site tend towards either difficult jobs to hire for, copies of listings on more established job search sites and contract work for smaller industries. Unless one is in the hunt for a marginally legal job, illicit sex or used lawn clippers, there is little of use in most instances people on the current incarnation of that site.

Rule 2: Deviants and hucksters do not matter.

Senator Max Baucus of Montana has introduced a health-care reform bill that taps the country's rather dry coffers for a mere $856 billion over the next ten years. This promises to reduce the number of uninsured by 29 million people (out of 54 million est. uninsured folks), and possibly return money to the Treasury after the first ten years goes by. Part of the money will come from cuts in Medicare, the current device that pays for uninsured people to get urgent health care. People who do not have coverage that 'can afford it' after that can be subject to fines, as well as having to pay retail for their care.

Let me repeat that: To insure 29 million people, we will spend $3,000 per person per year for ten years out of our taxes, and we may get a minute fraction of that back. After ten years. And they can fine people for not being covered.

Ignore inflation and real value of money for a moment and consider the raw numbers. A quick Google search tells me I can get Aetna coverage for a 43-year old single man with no pre-existing conditions for $123 per month, Anthem Blue Cross for $100 and Kaiser Permanente for $130 per month. Over ten years, when the man in question will still be sub-64, the total cost of the most expensive of those plans is $15,600. Let's round up to $20k, for humor's sake (and potential inflation).

The plan the Congressman plaecs in front of us makes for $30k per person over the life of the plan, PLUS there will be people fined for not playing along, making this plan illogical. This makes Rule 1 apply.

The author of the bill has intimated as much, suggesting that this is "a first step in the process".

In an effort to appease Congressional Republicans, Baucus worked in the concept of medical co-operatives to make for competition with private insurance companies, plus denying coverage (but not denying Medicare access) to illegal immigrants. It also should be noted that the three Reupblicans that were working with Baucus on a plan (Sens. Chuck Grassley of Iowa, Mike Enzi of Wyoming and Olympia Snowe of Maine) declined to be a part of this bill.

Hmmm...more expensive? Check. Government oversight? Check. Only solves fifty percent of the problem? Check. If it smells like Socialism, and drains resources like Socialism...

Rule 2 applies here.

Pres. Obama did not get anything he wants in this option, other tham cost controls. The Dems did not get what they want because it doesn't cover illegal immigrants or the indigent with no questions asked. The Republicans like nothing at all about this bill. As an adult, it is hard to find a productive conversational point in this proposal. It also goes to prove the rules I set out earlier in the column, so that is a bonus.

With the number of conversations that need to take place in America at this moment in time, the health care discussion may not be Priority One, unless you are a Baby Boomer about to retire on the promises of FDR. If you are one of them, congratulate yourself on learning how to turn on that newfangled computer thingy to find this to read. If not, pay attention. Our future earnings are being spent before our eyes. This leave us only one alternative, the one that worked to perfection for our post-war generation. Reproduce rapidly and frequently, then taxc the bejesus out of them to pay for us when we're old.

Wow. That just made me sound like a medival cult leader.

Hopefully, our administration learns from the previous Democratic president and shelves this agenda until there is an idea worth its salt to bring forward.

Then again, I'd hope no one would ever be crass and ignorant like Kayne West, nor would they be able to gather and exchange goods and services like they do on Craigslist. The old saying goes something like this:

"You can wish in one hand and (defecate) in the other, and see which one fills up first."

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I do have an idea for solving the world's problems as they are most important. It is simple, it is historically effective and more fulfilling than government mandate and taxation. Ready?

Volunteer.

Even a few hours a month. Make a choice of a cause that has import to you, and dedicate some time. Give a little bit out of a bonus check. Recycle your bottles and cans, and give the money to the Cub Scout troop in your neighborhood. There are simply too many ways to make life better for yourself and what is around you to wait for a bigger group or Higher Being to make the choice for you.

Just do it already. Sheesh.

Why is the health care debate important? Las Vegas, that's why.

2009-09-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

To spend any time analyzing the reams of data about the best approach to solve Crisis Number Seventy-Three of our current administration, this one on health care reform, is to spend time in what historically is a futile effort. Everybody wants affordable health care of the highest quality available in an efficient manner. As my friend Chip likes to say of his current profession (not health care), "Cheap. Fast. Good. Pick two."

We have very good health care in this country, and it is relatively affordable when the economy isn't forcing people onto COBRA plans. Available health care for self-employed folks is out there for under $200 a month, excepting those with pre-existing conditions. The vast majority have good coverage. How to handle the outliers in this current system is an issue worthy of address, but a 'crisis' should involve missiles or bankruptcy. Quit bastardizing the English language, Washington. Now.

As for the efficiency, there is much that could be done. Most insurance companies are bureaucratic nightmares to negotiate one's way through, and these organizations do operate in a for-profit model, making for a lethal combination of wait times, phone calls and co-payments that turn people off of taking better care of themselves. It also overwhelms others so much that their best option (in their minds) is to demand a dummy-proof system so they don't have to think so much about what to do about their health care options.

The question this poses is simple: Should healthy people who have what they need be made to pay far too much for coverage to supplement those in lesser income situations or with more difficult medical histories? Without going too deep into the issues, the answer is yes, but only to the point of indemnifying providers (docs, nurses, etc) from the more absurd litigation. This alone would make health care more affordable and the process of getting it far more straightforward. This also would put tons of lawyers out of business, and this saddens only a few people, most of whom are related to said lawyers.

The answer seems more obvious after visiting Las Vegas. In the interests of research (and a friend's 30th brithday), I visited the town recently, hoping to glean an insight into how a town can function solely on the premise of debauchery. In doing so, I see a path to take for the current health care issues of America.

Watch the floor of a casino or club on any evening, and you'll see that security interrupts the flow of business seldomly and quickly. You'll note that 'social lubricants' are distributed free or very cheap by a systematic approach and the vast majority achieve what they came to do (enjoy themselves) while paying the costs that they allow themselves to pay. Anyone caught cheating in one place will be banned from all places, via networked information systems managed by the gaming board of Nevada.

The equivalent scenario in health care? Require all medical facilities to provide free trauma care, billed directly to the US Treasury, and make people pay retail for the rest. Physical needed? Go to any doctor licensed for such and his group will be paid (after co-pay) by your private insurance provider. All information will be tied via Social Security number to a confidential network that doctors can access to verify prescriptions, note past illnesses, view MRI's and X-rays of previous treatments and proceed accordingly with an honest and succinct patient history, regardless of where and when the patient has been into a doctor's office last.

Secondly, prescriptions are filled at a base insurance price (say, $20) whether or not insurance is presented by the patient. Specialists will be paid a base payment, then get the rest back from insurance.

Wait, you say. This sounds like the system we already have most of in place.

Exactly.

The market handles itself quite well. The 'greedy' drug makers keep extending lives and quality of those lives, while their customers invest in their stocks and make money for their retirement on them. Pfizer recently agreed to pay a $2.3 billion penalty for negligent advertising practices. Would they have to pay these fees out if attorneys and class action suits were not waiting around the corner? Would they have to resort to guerilla marketing techniques for pain medication if they didn't have a 8-digit line item for legal fees in their financial statements?

Tort reform.

The minute that frivolous lawsuits from opportunists cease, all health care costs will become more manageable. Doctor liability would drop, allowing that doctor's office to hire more people to process claims to insurance companies faster and more easily. Malpractice premiums dropping would be a sign that those providers have less frivolous claims to process, and could actually focus on getting the real bad doctors out of the business. Less people dependent on a flawed tort system means less money being suckled off the teat of our insurance premiums.

I agree that this sounds too simple. I agree that many, many lobby groups will laugh hysterically at my uninformed opinions. I also acknowledge that my government took over $1.1 billion of that Pfizer money as a fine, and I have no clue what they have planned to do with it, and medicine for my family will cost more because of it.

All that came to me in the Playboy Club at the Palms Casino, while watching a young lady with a bunny tail on her tailbone pour libations near a roulette wheel. You know why I saw this so clearly in such an odd place?

No lawyers present, and no place for someone to cheat.

All of the folks who played by the rules appeared to have a good time. The sloppy drunks and angry idiots were quickly removed. Even those who lost money (bad fortune is not illegal) seemed to believe it was a fair experience otherwise. Gambling is a bad corollary to draw in relation to health care, but changing a system that is extending lives daily without curing the illness of excessive lawsuits is doing just that.

Plus, the outfits people wear in those places makes me wonder if you can get an STD by being near these folks. Ugh.

Yet another post coming later today...

Reading your woman's books can have interesting effects...

2009-09-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

In my never-ending quest to satiate my thirst for knowledge, I agreed to read a book recommended by my (now) wife. The non-fiction book, Three Cups of Tea, focuses on the adult life of Greg Mortensen, a climber whose love of education and remote settings led him to ingratiate himself into an Afghan tribe and help it to build a school, then taking that success into a larger life's work of helping to build them in remote areas all over. It's a slow read at first, but I ended up not putting it down after about page 77 or so. Brilliant read, highly recommended.

The question that this brought to mind, and brings to mind again as I finished yet another Lovey selection (The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant) is why there are such differences in the literature that men seek out.

In full disclosure, my wife has dedicated much of her adult life thus far to furthering education and outreach programs, and this passion was certainly a key draw for me. Therefore, I may be slightly tainted in this overview. She does not read Cosmo or the other rags that most men groan at seeing when their ladies bring them home after a trip to the pharmacy, nor does she indulge in any TMZ or Access Hollywood viewing that would cause me to start learning how to block programming on the DVR.

I also have known many great women in my life that did not read as much, but were natural musicians and artists within other mediums. There have been yet others whom have graced my life's path that were poetry in motion, carrying themselves through life with a grace and panache that was literature of its own, yet to be written.

With that said, I have always watched the habits of women around me in relation to reading materials, as it often grants insight into their state of mind. Once, I finished a book I was rather fond of, then bought the next written by the same author. When a woman I knew expressed interest in that first book, I gladly gave my copy over and eagerly awaited her reaction to it.

About six months later, I had occasion to attend a barbeque at her and her significant other's house. I spied the book resting on the bookcase, askance from the neatly stacked rows, and asked how she was enjoying the read. "I haven't really been able to get into it much yet" was her reply. The bookmark was hanging out of the second page of the book, yet she spoke at length to others present about a new novel put out by one of today's chick-lit book-writing machines (similar to a Danielle Steele) that she, quote, "couldn't put down".

No personal insult was taken at her not reading the book I had given over, but the poignancy of her reading choice stuck with me. Somewhere, in the back of my head, I was secretly glad that I had not tried to date this person. There is no way I would discredit this person by judging their reading choice, but I knew at that moment that I could not engage her in the type of conversation that reading books often makes me want to have.

Yes, I am a dork. Congratulations on seeing the obvious.

The same idea can be applied to TV viewing choices, to entertainment options, to music. The choices folks make can give insight into the person if one can listen to the undertones of the choices. All of these outlets are ways to stimulate the mind in ways that daily work life and routines do not offer. Hence, the 'entertainment value' of them...

This train of thought brings me back to the ways I have met some of the great writers that I am fond of. My old friend and I alternating between playing Madden and poker and trading Fante and Vonnegut books. The tall, hot European girl that gave me Nabokov as a young man. The math teacher that challenged me with A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. My father (and his passing), sending my through a library full of technical writing mixed with Michener, Buckley, Dostoyevsky. All of these experiences flood back to mind when I see the titles, or hear a phrase now and then.

My mother recently reminded me of a story of life at home with my brother, father and us under one roof (this time was, sadly, too brief) where I had startled my father by asking my mother what a word meant in the encyclopaedia I was reading. I was less than four at the time, and my father was astonished that I was pursuing this knowledge on my own. The story is cute in a self-aggrandizing way, but it was an early indicator of the functionality in the crevices of my rather large head. (And you know what they say about a man with a large head, right? He has to custom-order hats.)

My brother in particular picked up on this need for knowledge. He brought me to school after hours to play chess with older students, and when college took him a few time zones away, he used his part-time employment at a bookstore to smuggle me copies of books that he knew I'd like. These books were to be thrown away, as is required by the publishers. The cover is torn off and mailed in as proof that the book was not sold, but the rest of the book would land in my mailbox. I still have many of those books today.

That digression was designed to explain why I place such value in what is read by those I value. It also makes me wonder why we are drawn to such vastly different types of reading, even though equal intellects can respect and enjoy quality writing regardless of its source.

I read the following periodicals, in no particular order: Esquire, GQ, Golf Digest, ESPN the Mag, Sports Illustrated, Vanity Fair, The National Review, Newsweek. My wife reads none of these, nor do most females I know. I never would have even looked at any of the six or seven books that my Lovey has given me, and I enjoyed most of each of them. While I have tried a bit, I suspect that most women would not seek out Ask the Dust until Colin Farrell starred in the movie of it. (Wait! That already happened? In 2006? And Salma Hayek played Camilla? Wow.)

It seems natural that women would not seek out stories of a struggling writer in old Hollywood times, just as guys don't look for books about the Bible's history written from the perspective of a young woman who lived close to it (the Diamant book mentioned above), but the curiosity of the mind shouldn't be conditioned the way it seems that literature is now marketed.

How many times have you looked at the cover of a book and decided against reading it due to it not being 'targeted' at you? Basing it on cover art, the elongated subtitle under the main title, I could make any book appealing to any market. As an exercise, I'll try it with a relatively well-known book.

For the ladies: Visual - A long, flowing river with overgrowth and the edge of a raft at the bottom, giving you the persepctive of floating on it. Subtitle - A Young Man and His Free Slave Take on the World

For the men: Visual - A small white boy and a large black man shown running through the forest while in the distance, uniformed men appear to be giving chase. Subtitle - Adventures in the Mississippi River Wild

For the kids: Visual - A illustration of a young boy with a fishing pole in a broken-down house along the river's edge. The boy is wearing overalls, one strap hanging off the side, with scuffed knees and plenty of dirt on the hands and face, standing over a ghostly-looking figure. Subtitle - A Boy's Adventures with Catfish and Jim.

Would you buy this book?

Mark Twain believed people might like it, and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn has done rather well in its 115-odd years in the bookstores. It had no cover art, and it had no subtitle describing it. Good literature can rise above all else, but it apparently takes time.

Reading lists in schools usually have some classics, but always betray the tastes of the teachers. That can be a good thing in many cases, but I know that the amount of woman's rights literature flung at me by my freshman English teacher in college (not seven years older than me) caused me to go find Salinger's catalogue all on my own. One or two books, I could understand, but five of the seven (7!) assigned reads were specific to the woman's rights movement at the turn of the centruy, and the other two were of the same era (The Great Gatsby, The Good Earth). I would thank her, but that might encourage that kind of closed-minded behavior in the future.

It is a fascinating sociological debate that will continue on in my head for some time, I'd bet. Just wish there were better ways to find new writing than listening to Oprah and sorting the wheat from the chaff.