Seven Steps to China

The Great Wall of China - 10 amazing days!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Stewart Smallwood) — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:39:00 +0000

As the original seven posts were hard to navigate, I've put them all together into one chronological mega-post, for posterity of course!!

Hi Folks!

Part One - Slow Boat to China
Sorry for the delay in putting this Blog together - technology failed me in China and since getting back, it's been a major undertaking to catch up on the mountain of work following 7 days out of the office!
Oh well, here goes - thankfully I made a few notes each day, so these are my recollections as they happened. Enjoy! Stewart (aka Stewie, Stewpot, Stew and Stewster along with other names during the week!)

Friday: Arrived at Heathrow T3 at 7:00am, and everyone was in great spirits for the challenge ahead. We met our trek leader Phil Mitchell (not that one!) and eventually boarded our delayed flight to Helsinki.

The flight was 'ok' - and we were fascinated by the overhead video display screens, which showed first a 'pilot's eye' view of take-off, then a view from underneath the aircraft. That was great for take off. Landing was a different matter! A few of us were sitting in the bumpy seats at the rear of the plane, and as we started our descent, it got rougher and rougher….. Then they switched the forward facing video camera on.

We knew it was cold by the frozen lakes clearly visible out of the widows. The frontal camera seemed to show just snow! We made a few steep turns, getting more and more buffeted, but still no sign of a runway. Eventually, with just a few hundred yards to go, there it was - partly covered in snow!

By this time we were being tossed around like Thunderbirds puppets, and the aircraft was crabbing sideways aiming to the right of the runway!! We somehow managed to get back on line, hitting the tarmac hard. The plane lurched forward, straightening it's path along the runway.

Afterwards, Ron said that it was a four-dimensional experience - you could see the approach, feel the turbulence, hear the wailing engines and taste the panic! I would add a fifth - you could also smell the fear!!!, at least in my seat. That was the worst landing I can remember out of several hundreds of flights!

Saturday: We exited the aircraft into freezing cold air, then took buses into the terminal, where we all enjoyed a few beers to settle our nerves for the next leg

We settled into our seven and a half hour flight from Helsinki to Beijing. This was a far more civilised experience, much of which Robbie & I spent in the 'nightclub' at the back of the aircraft (where the hostesses kept all of the beer and wine). So on Saturday morning we arrived in Beijing well 'relaxed'. The airport is huge and ultra modern, all completed for the Olympic Games which Beijing hosted in 2008.

As we went outside to get on the bus for our next leg, we noticed our first hint that the Chinese don't take health & safety too seriously - these guys were cleaning the glass roof - without any safety gear!

The bus journey was something else, as we spent 2 hours stuck in the weekend traffic jams ("It's much worse during the week" our guide said gleefully

Once the traffic cleared, we had our second thrill ride of the day, as our driver 'Mister Shin' weaved in and out of vehicles at high speed - he used every lane including the hard shoulder to get past slower vehicles

- some like this one carrying very precarious loads!

It was all a bit odd, especially seeing someone holding their child at the back of the car to have a 'wee stop' ….. In the FAST lane of the motorway!!! And a bloke in a suit having a wee up a lamp post. Obviously toilet routine is very different in China (as we would find out over the week ahead)!

We had lunch in a barn of a restaurant - it must have seated 300, but we were the only guests. The food was 'interesting' to say the least - my least favourite being the crystallised lotus root - baaahh! We ate quite a lot of rice.

Martin & Jason were our guides for the week - both fluent in English (very few Chinese people we met spoke any English at all). Their names were given to them in school as they role-played in the English language, and have stuck with them. We were given early Chinese lessons, so that at least we could say 'Hello' (Ni Hao) and 'please' (Xie Xie),How are you?'(Ni Hao Ma), 'Very Well' (Ding Ding Hao) and most importantly, 'beer' (Pijiu).

The most useful phrase we learnt was Mā, Má, Mă, Mà. Something about a wife riding a horse, but it was too slow so she blamed it for making her late. A phrase I will use lots in life, just like 'Crewe ist ein sehr wichtige Eisenbahnknotenpunkt' (Crewe is a very busy railway junction) that has stuck with me since my first German lesson at the age of 12!!
Then it was back on the bus for a spin to the Ming Tombs............

Martin guided us through the avenue of the stone statues and on to the various tombs and the final resting place of Emperor Ju-di, a massive hillock covered in trees.

We were greeted at the entrance by one of many creatively-translated signs. Line 5 prompted quite a laugh from the team!

5. No fight or brawl. No rabble or feudal fetish or erotic service.

The tombs contained a number of interesting artefacts, but all seemed to be inviting you to part with your money as a 'sacrifice', including this 'sacred incense burner'.

Outside, the pressure to part with money continued, with these ladies doing their very best to sell us some fruit and nuts.

Our first night's accommodation was at the Shisanling training Centre for the Ministry of Land and Resources (The Soil Centre). It was fairly basic, but relatively clean

We soon went in search of some refreshments, and passed this little commercial venture - live chickens for 10 Yuan (£1) - which included slaughter & plucking!

At the little shop, we found Pijiu, and after much frantic sign language, we bought his entire stock of beer for about 20p per can!

... and the local wine was just about palatable at just over £1 a bottle

So we sat in the spring sunshine and enjoyed our first evening in China. The night was cold (as were the rooms), the toilet didn't fill with water - but the floor did, and there were plenty of bugs in the room, but we would soon find that this was five star in comparison to some of our accommodation to come!

Part Two - Farmer's Lunch and Firewater

Sunday started with an early breakfast - "interesting." There was funny paste stuff and spammy sausage in rubbery inedible skin, a milky soup and cucumber in chilli powder. I plumped for soup with tiny shrimp, wonton and chilli paste, which was strangely palatable. Coffee was OK too. There were also eggs on sweet bread, which Lorraine and Maria decided was the safest option.

I got to like chilli wonton / noodle soup for breakfast! - The red hot chilli made it taste less like dishwater.

We set out early to get our bus to the Wall, again driven by Mr Shin. Having driven past some very touristy parts, it was good to reach the quieter area of Badaling.

With a tough climb to come, everyone did their stretches to Phil's dulcet instructional patter

... and so it started, with a good climb up renovated steps.

...which got steeper and steeper. The girls didn't enjoy this bit, so early on in the trek!

But we were all determined to make it to the top and back, as Phil had informed us that there are two or three in most groups who don't complete the first day. Red Rag to a Bull?! I was determined that all 23 of us should complete the whole challenge.

As we started to move away from the renovated sections, the real beauty of the Great Wall and it's thousands of towers became evident

I think Jason really enjoyed his position as 'back marker' - he was never short of female company!

The path became less and less defined... and more decayed...

... and quite difficult in parts

... but the climbing continued...

...all the way to the top. Here we had to turn around as the Wall was impassable further down.

As we started our descent, we came across this chap in his pinstripe suit and flask of tea. It seemed surreal, as we were in all our high-tech trekking gear - but apparently he does this every day in his job as a warden of the Wall!!

Onwards and downwards - we had climbed over 3,600ft today, which is higher than Snowdon!

When we reached the bottom, we were taken to a small local village where the grand entrance to the farmer's house provided a warm welcome to visitors.

We were treated to a pleasant lunch, cooked in traditional fashion by the farmer's wife. Not sure what any of the meat was, but we were too hungry to ask!

Our cook takes a breather

Love the cleavers & chopping boards - what health & safety??

At the village shop, Harry decided to buy a couple of bottles of the local liquor - 'Firewater'. The only recognisable writing on the label said '56%' !!

There was some regret in buying beer & Firewater to take to our next accommodation when we found out that we had to carry everything from the bus below up to our lodge via a steep staircase

The lodge was a fascinating place... the two dogs that barked at us from a cage when we arrived weren't there the next morning!

The kitchen would have kept our EHO's busy for a week or two!

Everybody cheered when a plate of 'Western' food hit the table - yes, a plate of chips! The only trouble with this soggy offering is that they were liberally covered in ....... SUGAR!

So it was out with the Firewater and on with the entertainment - Ron v Rachel at armwrestling, which Rachel won quite easily after a shot of the hooch. Harry looks as though he's enjoying the stuff a little too much.

Part Three - Carry Harry ....... to the Dragon Pools

The Firewater had taken it's toll on Harry - although to give him his due, he was down on time and ready to trek. Surprisingly though, he missed the Lodge's awful attempt at English breakfast, which was stone cold, runny fried eggs that weren't cooked on top, cold 'bacon' with uncooked fat and luke warm sweet toast. Yum!

It was a chilly morning, and Martin's full Berghaus hat and body suit was called into action.

Although the Lodge was a bit lacking (we found out that anybody's key would open anyone else's door, and they charged us two or three times for the same drinks), the staff were friendly enough, and there were a few plastic artefacts to brighten the place up.

So on to today's trek - along the valley of the Black Dragon Pools in Heilongtan. The ice in the river below gave a clue of what today would bring.

We set out along well-maintained paths along the cliffs of the valley, and as yesterday, we quickly split into two groups (much to the displeasure of Phil, our tour leader). Some wanted to be alone / race / push themselves while the others wanted to take in all of the magnificent sights / take lots of photos / enjoy the experience (and nurse Harry's hangover!).

The group up front were quickly named the 'Power Rangers' - they were to spend much of the week hanging around for the slower group to catch up. However, they were the fastest ever group to complete the challenge under Phil's watch.

The group at the back named themselves the 'Fun Bus'. The picture below is just one of many occasions where our ever-patient guide Jason was charged with taking the same photo using 9 different cameras / phones. Ron even gave Jason his security code for his iphone to 'save time' (which it didn't)! Although we weren't fast, we completed each day's trek well within the allocated times, and enjoyed the experience immensely.

The frozen waterfall

This walk was very different to the wall, but presented it's own challenges such as walking in dark caves (I found out that it helps to take your sunglasses off after stumbling through one section!), to rickety ladders and thorny thicketts

The ice on the river became thicker as we climbed.....

... until we were walking on the river itself for a good kilometer or so. The Fun Bus enjoyed this bit and took lots more photos!!!

... while the Power Rangers patiently awaited our arrival.

Then it was onwards and upwards through the thorny brush - 'wear long sleeves' advised Phil, but most of us risked the scratches because it was too warm!

The steep descent demanded more teamwork to avoid any injuries, and gave us all the opportunity to really get to know one other - especially our 'strengths, weaknesses ... and other dark secrets'.

The winding path took us to the valley floor, looking up to the 'Heavenly Gateway'. This had once been Beijing's most famous waterfall, but was now dry due to climate change (probably caused by Beijing's smog!)

The rock formations looked like faces keeping their watchful eyes over the valley below - we thought the one on the left of the picture was a great likeness for Wayne Rooney, shouting at the ref!

After trekking through the peasant farmland in the foothills, we were greeted by a zillion Chinese lanterns adorning this small 'holiday village', and the unmistakable sound of karaoke .... at 4 o'clock on a Thursday afternoon??? Another surreal moment.

Lorraine wanted a go at the karaoke, so after some pathetic attempts at sign language with the locals, we were led down a narrow passage to another area (a bit scary, if you ask me!). Here, the doors opened to an underground bowling alley .... and a set of doors marked 'Adults Only'! Jane & Krishnan were the first to venture in...

They had only gone and set up our very own karaoke room, and even found some crackly old Abba songs to sing along to! How very, very odd! Lorraine and Jay blasted out a bit of 'Voulez Vous' to rapturous applause!

As we waited for the bus in the afternoon sun, we sat on the balcony of the local hostelry, where the local kids just stared and pointed at us. We were the first Westerners they had ever seen in the flesh. Apparently, they call us 'Big Noses'.

Part Four - Vertigo and 'The Village'

The day started with a long walk to the bus (Mr Shin,we decided, had never driven a bus before, so parked wherever there was at least a 300 yard turning circle!). Here, as always, we stocked up on water for the trek. Jane quickly became proficient at filling her bladder (Others preferred fill theirs in the evenings!)

Eventually, we set of for the Gubeikou area, about one and a half hours away. By the time we arrived, we were all ready for the loo, but for most of us the smell proved too much and we waited to get out into the open air! Lorraine bravely took this photo of the 'facilities'! There were many Crouching Tigers and Hidden She-Wees on the Wall!

And so to the walk, and after a warm-up we were straight onto a steep climb.

As the Fun Bus pushed upwards, I had my first real attack of vertigo - one of many today. The rest of the team were amazing though, and as I had helped some of them on previous days, I was now the one who was being encouraged, supported and congratulated for overcoming my fears.

The narrow pathway snaked upwards along the ridge of the mountain - the views were fantastic whenever I could bring myself to look up from my boots!

This is where the walking poles came into their own - it was comforting to have something to hang on to! Thanks to Hi-Tec for generously providing these lifesavers! Andrew, Fiona and the team are demonstrating their effectiveness here:

The path was as little as 10" wide in places, with enough of a drop at either side to do some serious damage to your life expectancy if you fell off!

The Great Wall seems to go on forever (well it is 4,000km long!), and one benefit with this type of trek is that it's difficult to get lost..

Another hundred yards, another photo opportunity!

The climbing throughout the trek was unrelenting as we made our way through tower after tower. How on earth did they manage to build this incredible structure? It is said that around 3 million Chinese died in the process!

Getting into the towers was sometimes heartstoppingly difficult, with sheer drops to the side....

although some people like Jay seemed to take it all in their stride! The Fun Bus rolls on!

We stopped for lunch in one of the towers, where our ever-growing band of Mongolian 'Happy Ladies' sold us drinks, T-shirts, books, chopsticks etc. These local peasant farmer's wives offered a helping hand when required, but as one of them tried to pass me on a particularly narrow spot, I think I may have developed tourettes!

As we descended alongside the Wall, I wondered how they even managed to make all of the bricks! Pink Floyd's 'Another Brick in the Wall' came to my head, and wouldn't go away for quite some time.

The architecture on this section contains many defence structures from the 7th to the 13th Centuries, as Gubeiko was the site of incessant warfare over many dynasties. For me, it was just too b****y steep to think about fighting!

As we trekked through the foothills, we came across this abandoned peasant house. Absolutely everything used in it's construction has been taken from the surrounding land....

.....apart from the newspaper used to cover the mud and straw walls!

A little further on, and still miles from civilisation, we had another surreal moment as we came across a local chap with his motorbike (he's not in this picture - that's Jason taking photos..... again!). He offered to sell us Coca Cola from a cardboard box, but as it was a bit hot, someone said - "If you had Ice Cream, that would be different"!!

At which point, he opened the polystyrene box full of nicely frozen lollies!!! 'You buy Ice Cream?' he said joyfully.

We bought the lot for about 50 Yuan (a fiver) and they were gorgeous! I tried to do a little "Profit & Loss" account in my head - he probably made a couple of quid for a day's waiting - but he made ten people VERY happy!

One of the Fun Bus is missing from this photo. Krishnan had joined a third 'breakaway' group, (soon to be called the "G-lue" - named because they walked between the other two groups and bonded us together in a strange way). Unfortunately, they became detatched from both the Power Rangers and the Fun Bus on the descent, and ended up being lost in the mountains for a couple of hours! Thank God for mobile phones and a superb Chinese phone network!

On arrival at our unfinished 'Village' accommodation, I was reminded of that famous TV series 'The Prisoner', although I never quite anticipated the 'luxurious' interior.

This was the view from my (broken) bedroom window

and as I sat down on the bed, I bruised my backside! The mattress was on a solid wooden base, and just 2" thick! That's a British pound coin in the photo.

Worse was to come .... this is the pillow before I'd been to bed. It was filthy and full of dried beans!

The dark, dingy bathroom contained dirty towels and a shower that you could use while sitting on the loo - not recommended, though, as there was nowhere for the ice cold water to go so the floor flooded, and two of our group received nasty electric shocks from theirs. I confess that I didn't shower and slept in my silk liner with my head on my rucksack.

Dinner was the usual Chinese mix of indescribable meats of questionable origin, pondwater soup and sticky rice - which was always served at the end of the meal.

Could this have been beef? .... or maybe we were hallucinating at this point!

Part Five - Too much 'exposure' on the wall??

Wednesday: I started one of the most frightening, amazing days of my life with a stand-up wash in the dingy bathroom. What I didn't realise until the end of the day was that in the half-light and tiredness, I only managed to get one contact lens in. This was to undoubtedly make my vertigo worse, and it didn't need any help today!

What I also didn't find out until later was that I must have eaten something dodgy!

Our trek started straight from the Lodge today, on the Jinshanling section of the wall. The weather was beautiful yet again, which made the prospect of panoramic views a reality. The Fun Bus is ready to roll (the Power Rangers left 5 minutes ago!)

After a good climb, we were straight into the stunning views! Here you can clearly see the path of the wall along the mountaintops through the early morning mist.

Off to the side the views were equally as spectacular - these trees forming strange shapes on the 'camel's back' mountain.

...and as the sun broke through, the Wall was revealed in all it's Glory!

The vista changed constantly, and the Fun Bus got further and further behind as the cameras clicked relentlessly!

It's amazing how quickly you cover the distance though, and we were soon approaching the more challenging sections of today's trek

There were times today when I really did want the earth to swallow me up...

...but my friends from the Fun Bus and the G-lue were there to support me all the way through.

Oh, just another stunning view - of the climbs yet to come!

This one proved to be my low point of the day. The steps were incredibly steep, with parts of the wall missing to the left to reveal a long vertical drop. Maria went in front of me and was worried when I didn't reply to her calls of 'are you OK Stewy?'. I couldn't respond because I was trying to (a) breath, (b) not look down, up or sideways, (c) swallow - my mouth was as dry as dust and (d) muffle my continuous swearing!

The photos really don't do this justice!

The 'Happy Helpers' were there at the top to lend a hand (which I think most people took if they're honest), although the Ronster looks quite comfortable here.

I definitely took the offer to get over the step at the top - her grip was a bit like screwing your hand in a vice! Very comforting, though and at that point I would have bought every book, T-shirt and chopstick in her bag!

Later, for one rare moment, we met the Power Rangers coming back the other way. I think the one at the front is called George. ............. only kidding, we all got on really well!

It's amazing how some of the towers have stood up to Centuries of harsh mountain weather.

The steep steps continued - going down this time, which in some ways is worse than going up, as you have to look at your feet! We all took our turns at being the 'bread' and the 'filling' in a trekkers sandwich when things got tough!

But it was all worth the pain and fear to be on our own (most of the time) in these humbling surroundings.

In order to avoid descending the steepest stairs, we were taken on a 'safer' route. This turned out to be a narrow, rock and scree path traversing across the side of the mountain! Lorraine never let go of her 'Happy Helper' the whole time, and I think it was a close call as to who gripped who the hardest!

It was at this moment that whatever I had eaten the night before, chose the most inopportune moment to 'ask to get off the Fun Bus'. My stomach was in knots (probably caused by the fear from earlier as well), so I ran along the narrow path with no concern about my safety, and disappeared round the corner 150 yards ahead. After doing my 'crouching tiger' impression in the prickly thorn bushes (who cares), I looked up to see about ten other trekkers peering over the wall at me in my precarious pose!!! I don't know who was more shocked - me or them. Oh well, needs must and all that! If any of them read this Blog, please accept my apologies for spoiling the beautiful view!

So it was with much relief! that we started the descent to the Village, with Happy Chapees still in tow.

I think Lorraine spent enough on books & chopsticks to keep them in clover for quite some time!!

On the way to our next accommodation, we stopped off at the Cloisonne factory to see how it is made. The process starts with the pots themselves...

...onto which the girls skilfully apply twisted pieces of wire to form the pictures or patterns....

... until it looks like this....

.... then the enamel pigments are applied between the wires....

..... and the pots are fired in the kiln room.....

... and finally the pot is finished using various pieces of hard and soft rock, to a highly-polished surface.

The results in the showroom belie the simple tools, basic conditions and effortless skills behind the scenes.

Tonight's accommodation is at the Yanshan Petrochemical Shangyang Lodge. Quite luxurious compared to previous nights, and it even had hot water!

Phil, with his usual military efficiency said that we needed to be down for dinner at 6:30 prompt (his favourite phrase over the week as people turned up late was 'which part of 6:45 / 7:30 etc don't people understand?)'

The thought of another Chinese meal didn't sit well with a lot of us, and we asked if there was an alternative, to be told that there was a McDonalds about half an hour's walk away! We had a fascinating stroll past the local shops and market stalls and 45 minutes later, there it was - the Big M.

We managed to order Big Macs, Fries etc and sat down to a Michelin Starred Maccy D's!!!

Ron had two Filets of Fish, and his face was like that of a very small child eating chocolate!

As we looked out of the window, there across the street was a KFC, so over we went for a couple of Family Buckets! The guys back at the Shangyang had tucked into boiled chicken's feet, so we felt pretty good about our choice.

Jane & Jay even found their very own Power Ranger on the way back. Power Up!!!!!

Part Six - Stairway to Heaven

Thursday: Before embarking on the final day of our trek, I was looking forward to a hearty breakfast, and the row of silver chafing dishes on the breakfast bar looked promising. Imagine my disappointment after each one revealed indescribable Chinese dishes! Then Phil told me that there was a fresh noodle station! The chef was making the dough from scratch and skilfully drawing it out into therads of noodles, which were then poached briefly by another chef.

The resulting noodle soup (with a generous spoonful of chilli paste) was gorgeaous - probably the best noodles I've ever tasted!

Ron seemed to find the chilli paste a bit of a challenge though!

So off we set up the Mutianyu section. This part is well reconstructed, but still very steep! Ron & Jason tried racing up the hill, but I think the chilli won!

I was feeling great after my breakfast, and did manage a few sprints of my own (much to the disgust of the Fun Bussers)!

Robbie decided to wear his kilt for the climb - but modesty prevented him from being a true Scot! (Thank goodness)

Although it was misty, you couldn't get away from the view of what was to come - the Stairway to Heaven beckoned in the distance.

The Fun Bus took their time as usual, and Jason did the honours with each of the 9 cameras - at which point, a friendly American who was waiting to pass said 'have you guys never heard of email?'. This prompted another round of photos. The Fun Bus doesn't like to be hurried!!!

The final leg (legs?) took us up the 500 steps of the Heavenly Staircase - nice way to finish!!

The Fun Bus finished as we had started - together, laughing, singing and making the most of every moment of this experience of a lifetime

The medals handed out at the top were a token, but the friendships will last forever

Rachel is the other person who suffers from vertigo - I don't think anyone else will ever know what we went through.

All 23 of us completed the whole trek - a first, apparently. We walked for 50 miles, climbing and descending 12,500ft. Together we raised £160,000 for Springboard and I think we earned every penny! Thanks to everyone who supported us, especially those who helped me reach an incredible £25,000 on behalf of Elior!!!

The Fun Bus have already arranged their first reunion, and who knows, we may tackle another challenge some time...

All that was left was to get back through the assault course of the market traders who lined the path back to the bus.

Jay bought a hot little silk number ......

....and Ron bought just about everything else!

I wonder how often they'll wear these back in the UK (if they get them through customs!!)???

That's the end of the trek folks - just a good night out to come. More on that in the final Blog!!!

Part Seven - Celebrations!!!!
Friday to Sunday: Well there would have to be SEVEN parts to this Blog, wouldn't there? Everything I have done to raise funds, train, challenge others and all I've written has revolved around this number, which was deliberate at first but has since taken on a life of it's own!

So what happened after we finished the trek?? The challenges continued, the Fun Bus continued and the strangeness of China continued. Some moments will stay with the Fun Bus though, just because you had to be there.

Back at the Hotel at the end of the trek, we were treated to a glass of champagne, kindly arranged by one of Ron's suppliers. Heaven!

One of my greatest triumphs of the week was teaching Maria how to use chopsticks. Confuscious say "girl who can pick up cherry tomato with eyes shut make very good wife".

AFTER dinner we went to the streetfood market (strange thing to do on a full stomach, but I don't think they thought we would eat anything on offer!)

The array of 'food' on offer was amazing - and all cooked fresh to order. Tempting.....

Sheep's? stomach....

Centipedes....

Strange shellfish....

Seahorses and other 'things'....

Snake....

and things that I've never even seen before!

Here we have sheeps testicles, deer testicles, snakeskins and other stuff

Tim set the ball rolling with a kebab of silkworm pupae. Nobody wanted to be out-done though!

The sales technique was great - "you buy testicles and penis for just 50 Yuan!'. Must try that at some of my restaurants!!

The deer testicles were quite tasty, if a little gristly

and the snakeskin was just foul - chewy, greasy and a horrid texture

The dog was actually quite nice - a bit like the Maccy D's we had the other night

Everything was available (that you would normally stamp on or run away from). I think most of the stock came out of our lodges from earlier in the week!

Ron tucks into a nice bit of penis - Harry's still trying to swallow his mouthful

Gemma and Rachel look glam eating locusts - I can see a guest slot on 'I'm a Celebrity' in the offing!

Jane and Fiona share some Honeybee cocoons - or are they testicles???

Tim became ever-more hardcore - I think he'd missed dinner?

Just like Tesco's deli counter

We ate the smaller versions of these scorpion - far more tender and delicate!

Andrew in action with another penis. This was a popular menu item, appearing on the menu at the Lancaster Hotel any day soon!

To protect the innocent, I won't tell you what we've just eaten here. I think the expressions say it all!

The night we went for a massage was hilarious. Phil said not to worry, you keep all your clothes on and there's nothing 'dodgy'. Given that Phil had been wrong on more than one occasion, we weren't sure what was to come.

Tim certainly seemed to be enjoying his foot massage....

... but surprise, surprise, the guys from the Fun Bus had to change into Pyjama bottoms. This is one of the funniest things I've ever done, as we had our feet massaged while Ron taught the girls to sing 'The Wild Rover' and other Irish songs. My feet felt great, but my sides ached with laughter!

We even found a pint of the Oirish in Beijing - although the City is still very primitive in most parts.

We had a day of culture at the end of the week, starting in the Forbidden City where the Emperor kept his 3,000 concubines! I wonder what he did at the weekend?

There's still a strong military presence. Not that long ago I'd have been shot for taking this photo.

The Forbidden City spills out onto Tiananmen Square - the scene of the famous protest in 1989

The square is huge, and will apparently hold one million Chinese or half a million Americans, according to our guide Martin!!

This photo will be appearing on my office wall any time soon. What a great group of people!

The locals still find Westerners fascinating, and we were constantly badgered to have our photos taken with them.

Chairman Mao made a personal appearance

and Jason showed how much he loved us by flying the flag!

Lunch was in another local hostelry - we were excited (not) about what might be on offer

and yet again, it was ....... Chinese of uncertain origin! The tomato soup was delicious though!

The Chinese tea ceremony was fascinating, and the resultant brews tasted great. I think the theatre of it all made a huge difference and the girls were charming.

The Jasmine blossom tea looked incredible - but I'm not sure whether you'd drink it or put it on the coffee table!

It was absolutely freezing as we set out on our Rickshaw tour of the ancient Hutong District of Beijing.

The 'drivers' were certainly more adept at manoevering and parking than Mr Shin!

Mine & Harry's driver had a big job on his hands, but i did my best to take his mind off things with a little tune on my Gourd Flute (about £1)

It was a fascinating area, and the food market also contained stuff I've never seen before

These 'hands' did look almost human - they eat anything and everything here!

Don't even ask what these things were

Andrew avoided the gore and went to buy some Jasmine blossoms - at about one tenth of the price of the tea house!

The final night out in China for the Fun Bus. We lived up to our name!

And that's where the story ends.

With huge thanks and congratulations to my fellow Fun Bussers:

Jay: Jay Z, the Jaymeister. Part time tour guide and Kermit impressionist.

Lorraine: Lozzer - the filling in the Ron & Stew sandwich, and my soul mate

Krishnan: Lost for a while!, but came back to the fold.

Ron: The funny, singing, caring, amazing Irishman

Harry: The Fire(water)breathing dragon

Fiona: Flophop to her friends. Ding Dong!

Andrew: The gentleman's gentleman

Maria: My little sparrow and secret Ladyboy with a shewee

and not forgetting our guide, the long-suffering Jason; my vertigo buddy Rachel; Darren the rock; Martin the Move Buster and the members of the Power Rangers. Thank you one and all for an incredible experience!

The Great Wall of China Part Seven - Celebrations!!

noreply@blogger.com (Stewart Smallwood) — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 20:34:00 +0000

Well there would have to be SEVEN parts to this Blog, wouldn't there? Everything I have done to raise funds, train, challenge others and all I've written has revolved around this number, which was deliberate at first but has since taken on a life of it's own!

So what happened after we finished the trek?? The challenges continued, the Fun Bus continued and the strangeness of China continued. Some moments will stay with the Fun Bus though, just because you had to be there.

Back at the Hotel at the end of the trek, we were treated to a glass of champagne, kindly arranged by one of Ron's suppliers. Heaven!

One of my greatest triumphs of the week was teaching Maria how to use chopsticks. Confuscious say "girl who can pick up cherry tomato with eyes shut make very good wife".

AFTER dinner we went to the streetfood market (strange thing to do, but I don't think they thought we would eat anything on offer!)

The array of 'food' on offer was amazing - and all cooked fresh to order. Tempting.....

Here we have sheeps testicles, deer testicles, snakeskins and other stuff

Tim set the ball rolling with a kebab of silkworm pupae. Nobody wanted to be out-done though!

The sales technique was great - "you buy testicles and penis for just 50 Yuan!'. Must try that at some of my restaurants!!

The deer testicles were quite tasty, if a little gristley

and the snakeskin was just foul - chewy, greasy and a horrid texture

The dog was actually quite nice - a bit like the Maccy D's we had the other night

Everything was available (that you would normally stamp on or run away from). I think most of the stock came out of our lodges from earlier in the week!

Ron tucks into a nice bit of penis - Harry's still trying to swallow his mouthful

Gemma and Rachel look glam eating locusts - I can see a guest slot on 'I'm a Celebrity' in the offing!

Jane and Fiona share some Honeybee cocoons - or are they testicles???

Tim became ever-more hardcore - I think he'd missed dinner?

Just like Tesco's deli counter

We ate the smaller versions of these scorpion - far more tender and delicate!

Andrew in action with another penis. This was a popular menu item, appearing on the menu at the Lancaster any day soon!

To protect the innocent, I won't tell you what we've just eaten here. I think the expressions say it all!

Tim certainly seemed to be enjoying his foot massage....

We even found a pint of the Oirish in Beijing - although the City is still very primitive in most parts.

We had a day of culture at the end of the week, starting in the forbidden city where the Emperor kept his 3,000 concubines!

There's still a strong military presence, although not that long ago I'd have been shot for taking this photo.

The Forbidden City spills out onto Tiananmen Square - the scene of the famous protest in 1989

The square is huge, and will apparently hold one million Chinese or half a million Americans, according to our guide Martin!!

This photo will be appearing on my office wall any time soon. What a great group of people!

The locals still find Westerners fascinating, and we were constantly badgered to have our photos taken with them.

Chairman Mao made a personal appearance

and Jason showed how much he loved us by flying the flag!

Lunch was in another local hostelry - we were excited (not) about what might be on offer

and yet again, it was ....... Chinese! The tomato soup was delicious though!

The Chinese tea ceremony was fascinating, and the resultant brews tasted great. I think the theatre of it all made a huge difference and the girls were charming.

The Jasmine blossom tea looked incredible - but I'm not sure whether you'd drink it or put it on the coffee table!

It was absolutely freezing as we set out on our Rickshaw tour of the ancient Hutong District of Beijing.

The 'drivers' were certainly more adept at manoevering and parking than Mr Shin!

Mine & Harry's driver had a big job on his hands, but i did my best to take his mind off things with a little tune on my Gourd Flute

It was a fascinating area, and the food market contained stuff I've never seen before

These 'hands' did look almost human!

Don't even ask what these things were

Andrew avoided the gore and went to buy some Jasmine blossoms - at about one tenth of the price of the tea house!

The final night out in China for the Fun Bus. We lived up to our name!

With huge thanks and congratulations to my fellow Fun Bussers:

Jay: Jay Z, the Jaymeister. Part time tour guide and Kermit impressionist.

Lorraine: Lozzer - the filling in the Ron & Stew sandwich, and my soul mate

Krishnan: Lost for a while!, but came back to the fold.

Ron: The funny, singing, caring, amazing Irishman

Harry: The Fire(water)breathing dragon

Fiona: Flophop to her friends. Ding Dong!

Andrew: The gentleman's gentleman

Maria: My little sparrow and secret Ladyboy with a shewee

The Great Wall of China Part Six - Stairway to Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (Stewart Smallwood) — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 16:16:00 +0000

Before embarking on the final day of our trek, I was looking forward to a hearty breakfast, and the row of silver chafing dishes on the breakfast bar looked promising. Imagine my disappointment after each one revealed indescribable Chinese dishes! Then Phil told me that there was a fresh noodle station! The chef was making the dough from scratch and skilfully drawing it out into therads of noodles, which were then poached briefly by another chef.