Sew My Soul

making a comeback with 13.1

2016-02-15T07:52:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged in a long, long time. And honestly I haven't missed it very much. I got kind of tired of the sponsored contact taking over the blogisphere and the increase in shallow posts and decrease in heartfelt connections I was noticing. Then I started a business and it took most of my heart and attention, so I thought about blogging even less. Then it started to even out and I started to feel more like I knew what I was doing and less like I was a clueless pretender.
Lately though I've thought a lot about it. I love to write and while some of the connections found in blog world are superficial and forced, I do have some really wonderful friends I wouldn't know without having been a blogger.
I started to think about maybe writing again.
Then I signed up for a half marathon and started training.

This is a pretty huge deal for me. As those of you who have read this blog for a long time, before I dropped out of blog world, know, March is my 4 year mark in eating disorder recovery. My body was very unhealthy for a long time, and two years ago I ran a 5k to make a healthy connection with it. Now, I'm running 13.1 miles on May 1st to really prove my body's strength, and my own mental strength to be able to persevere through this.
Let me tell you right now: training as a non-athletic person SUCKS. It's really hard right now and I'm terrified of race day. I've never been good at anything athletic and this feels super strange to be doing.
Blogging has this really big benefit of keeping you accountable. If you're doing something crazy and you put it out there for the whole world to see, you kind of have to stick to it. So I figured this was the perfect time to make a comeback...at least here and there. Half marathon training is hard. It's overwhelming. It takes everything I've got, mentally, physically, and emotionally to make it through the runs that feel like they'll never end. It would be so easy to quit. But putting myself out there like this gives me one more reason not to. One more reason to stay dedicated. One more reason to push myself every day.
I hope you'll join me on this journey and forgive me for my total absence from blog life. My updates come a lot more frequently on Instagram, so follow me there and keep me motivated. Also, if you have any advice for my crazy self, please share.

through my lens

2015-08-07T17:04:00.000-04:00

Over the summer I've participated in online photography classes, and have spent hours and hours and hours taking pictures, editing them, researching lenses, begging people to let me take their pictures, and deciding what I would call my photography endeavor so that when I do take photos I can mark them as mine with something a little better than "Kaitlin Beckwith Photography." Captured by Kaitlin Rose is what stuck for me.
I don't leave the house without my camera anymore. My family has been driven nuts by my constant photography talk. And I've found myself making lists of places to go to with my equipment when I'm not in a hurry if I drive past something cool (for example, there is a very old plantation about 20 minutes away, and in one of the fields just off the road, a lonely chimney rises out of the ground near a few trees, the last remaining element of old slave quarters).
Last weekend, Drew and I went to the beach for a few days, and instead of showering on Sunday morning ~~like a normal adult~~ I got out my camera and spent around an hour just taking pictures of the marina by which our hotel was located. It was the best morning...except maybe the morning before...we ate at bisQit in Pawleys Island and I could've died right then and there and not had any regrets about my last meal.
Since I haven't really had many words for this space as of late, I figured I'll just give you some visual content instead. Happy viewing!

the comparison game took the joy out of blogging.

2015-05-07T08:32:00.002-04:00

Well hey there. It's been months since I've written anything here. I kept making excuses for myself, thinking "well life is just busy right now, I don't have time." And that was sort of true. We moved in kind of a rush, were long distance a few days a week for two months while Drew finished out his job in our old town before starting his new one back in our hometown, and my work schedule was changing and becoming more demanding.
But I'm an early riser. Weekends mean sleeping in for Drew if he's off but getting up early and enjoying a morning of quiet for me. Now he works night shifts and I've got a few hours before bed of just being by myself after I've finished my to-do list for the day.
Yes I've had some health problems show up that knocked my energy levels down pretty darn low for a few weeks. But I write naturally, so energy really wasn't an excuse for not writing.
Here's what it really came down to: I was busy comparing myself to everyone else's success and stage of life and didn't feel like I had anything exciting enough to share and couldn't get over the fact that my life didn't look like I thought it should.
I can't promise I'll be a consistent blogger ever again. I live with OCD and sometimes it really does make it hard to not spiral into comparison on probably a deeper level than people with normal brain chemistry.
I can promise I'm not going to have sponsorships again. At least not for a long time. And I won't be doing any ad campaigns for any companies. If I'm going to write at all I'm going to write from the heart.
So many posts in blog world these days are promotional. I see new product reviews, posts promoted by other bloggers because they're obligated to because of sponsorships, and superficial writing constantly because numbers and dollars are taking over the blogiverse. Page views, sponsorships, ad campaigns...at some point it stops being genuine. And it stops being exciting or interesting or heartfelt.
I want to read heartfelt. I want to see the person behind the screen. Is the person behind the screen sometimes really telling their friends about a really great product they just discovered? Absolutely! I do sometimes! But most of my conversations with my friends are about things that happened that we found hilarious or upsetting. They're about what we've been feeling lately. They're about real life.
I don't want to blog if it's just about making a list of how to do this or that or why you should try this new thing I got paid to tell you about. I don't want to share posts that didn't actually make me laugh or inspire me or hit me on a heart level, so why on earth would I ever write those posts?
I also don't want to blog if it becomes a thing that steals my joy because my life doesn't look like yours, and for some reason I think it's supposed to. For a while it did take my joy. It did leave me wondering what was so wrong with me that I couldn't be ready for the same things someone else was ready for. It made me question whether my life was even worth writing about because it wasn't full of so many new or glamorous or attention getting events as someone else's.
So I'm not saying I'm fully back or that I'll have a posting schedule or even that I won't someday choose to quit blogging entirely. That's a real possibility someday, maybe even someday soon.
But once upon a time blogging was fun. It was real. It was enjoyable. It let me write frequently, and I love to write. So I'm semi-returning. When I feel like writing, I'll write. When I feel like sharing, I'll share. But if I feel my joy slipping away in the comparison game or the numbers game or the growth game, I probably will quit. And you know what? That's good. Because anytime something you're doing for fun starts to steal your joy, it's time to leave, at least temporarily.
I'm glad I left for a while. I'm glad I didn't think about numbers. I'm glad I didn't focus on comments or shares or campaigns or anything else I'm seeing take over blogging everywhere.
Time will tell whether or not I decide to quit blogging for real. For now, though, I'm just going to let myself write when I want about what I want, and not worry for a second about what my blog is "supposed" to look like. Or what my life is "supposed" to look like either.
Comparison game, peace out. Ain't nobody got time for that.

hello again. let's have a coffee date

2015-02-16T09:26:00.000-05:00

Well hi there. It's been a long time. Well over a month, actually. I've missed this place, but being gone for a while has been necessary. This season has been the busiest of our life as the Beckwiths thus far, and I needed simplicity while in the throes of it. Something had to be taken off my plate, so I quietly let blogging and writing fall away for a time. It's almost over though. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And soon I'll be able to tell you exactly what has kept us so busy. Not today though. Today I'll have to leave out that part of life lately. Today, let's just catch up on where our hearts are. I was afraid of this busy-ness. I was really quite anxious all the stress would lead to disconnect in our marriage, that it would hurt us, that we would have a really, really hard time. But we really have found a whole new level of connection. Of supporting each other. Of making decisions together and taking risks together. We've grown stronger and closer instead of further apart. And if we were on a real coffee date, I would probably shed a few tears over how much I truly love that man I married over a year ago now, and how grateful I am for him to be my partner in life. This season has made me so thankful for friendships and more frequent chances to see my closest friends. For a long time I really didn't socialize much at all, and although I'm introverted, it was still hard. And now I'm getting to see my people more. My tribe more. And I'm so thankful that I have those people in my life and that the friendships and love didn't fade over time. I would probably tell you what the source of the busy has been, but swear you to secrecy until further notice. But don't worry, the secret won't be a secret much longer. And I would tell you how great it feels to finally be seeing the calender clear, the dust settle, and the end of the crazy time is so close I can actually pinpoint when it will finally be here, as opposed to the uncertainty of the last few weeks. Faith and spirituality would probably come up, and I would be really honest and tell you I haven't been feeling it much lately. It's been a dry spell. I'm unmotivated to dive into it, I'm not sure how this happened or when or why, but I've hit a point of just feeling...uninterested. And I would ask you if you've hit this point before, and if you got over it, and how you did. I would also tell you I've decided to take the next few years to get into the best shape I can. I would tell you I'm really afraid of this. I would tell you fitness has never been something I've been good at. I always thought I just couldn't be one of those people. But I've decided to cultivate these habits now so that when we are ready to expand our family I'll be the healthiest I can be, and I'll be able to teach my children the value of their bodies and their health. And I would ask you to help me out, to keep me accountable, and to remind me of these goals. So what would you tell me if we sat down to catch up over coffee? And do you have any advice for me?

love week: goal setting in marriage

2015-01-08T06:30:00.000-05:00

It's a new year and with that comes goal setting and self improvement. Every year, I set goals to help me become the best me and the best wife that I can be. (I share my wife related goals as part of my Marriage & Relationship Goals series on the first Monday of each month.) Some of my favorite goals to set however, are the ones that I set with my husband! Setting goals as a couple is just as important as setting goals for yourself and the goals that you set together will help keep your marriage a priority and help you as a couple, work on the areas of your relationship that may not be as strong as some of the others. Whether you set goals together for the new year or as part of your anniversary traditions, these three tips will help set yourselves up for success when you do.

Communicate Openly

When you sit down to set goals together, you both have to be willing to share what is on your mind and be open to the things that your spouse has to say as well. Chances are, you will both have different ideas about what areas of your relationship are lacking and need improvement, but this is not the time to disagree. Discuss and write down all of the potential goals that you can set together and don't say no to any of them too early on in the game.

Start Small

After you've got your list of potential goals put together, break the big goals down into smaller ones so that you're not taking on too much at once. For example, if you decide together that you want to improve your finances and one of the things that you've decided to do is pay off all of your debt, focusing on the big picture can be a little overwhelming, but setting a goal to pay off a small, amount of that debt each month is achievable. If a goal seems too big, find a way to make it happen, one step at a time.

Reevaluate Often

Every month, I look at the Marriage & Relationship Goal that I set the month before and use my successes and failures with that goal to help me set the next month's goal. You can do the same with the goals that you've set as a couple. You can sit down and look at your goals yearly, quarterly or monthly. Decide what's working and what isn't and use that to adjust the goals you have been working on and set new ones. Don't give up on your goals if they aren't working, find a way to make them work!

Have you set goals as a couple this year? What sort of goals did you set?

Amberly

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love week: why being a newlywed isn't the best season of marriage

2015-01-07T06:30:00.000-05:00

Hi, friend! As you're reading this, my man and I are sailing the seven seas (okay, just one sea) celebrating our first wedding anniversary. In celebration, I wanted to have a few of my favorite ladies write about love and marriage while I'm away! Without further ado, here is my lovely friend, Madison, from The Wetherills Say I Do!

Hi friends! I am so excited to be here sharing with you while Kaitlin is away. She is a dear friend of mine so I was happy to fill in! My name is Madison and I blog over at The Wetherills Say I Do. I've been married to my sweet husband for 2.5 years now and I'm excited to share a little about our marriage with you today!

There was a small part of me that cringed last July when we passed right over our two year anniversary. I cringe a lot when it comes to time because it constantly blows my mind how fast it goes by. But as we crossed over into our third year, I was a little sad. Now that we are on our third year of marriage, there's no book that would refer to us as newlyweds. The newlywed phase is highly revered by people in all seasons, so it's no surprise that it feels a little weird to move out of that phase and into another that is rarely raved about.

Now that I'm six months past my exit from the newlywed phase, I can see that I love this phase possibly even more than the last. The newlywed phase is scary and exhilarating, and in a lot of ways it's like an extension of dating. There's lots of unknowns, trials and errors, and tons of fun.

What I love about being outside of the "newlywed phase" is simple: we are settled. We know each other better than we ever have. We are in a routine. It's not boring by any means, but there isn't a lot of that painful guessing anymore. Sure, my husband still surprises me every once in a while- not with gifts necessarily, but also in the way he acts or things that he says. When you're a newlywed, sometimes it's expected that your husband brings home flowers or that you spend all of your Saturday in bed, but it's almost like people don't expect any of those little things when you're out of that first year or two of marriage. And that makes it even more special to me.

I don't expect flowers to magically appear, so when I walk in from work and see a bouquet and my favorite candy sitting on the table, it gives me those new relationship kind of butterflies again. I don't expect breakfast in bed, so when my husband whips up French Toast and coffee on a Saturday morning, it definitely takes me by surprise.

I love knowing who we are, now that we are in our third year or marriage and fifth year together. I love knowing our routines and having a different set of expectations for our relationship than I did when we were newlyweds.

If you're a newlywed, you've been married for a few years or ten, know that God has something so exciting for you and your spouse in this current season of marriage. Don't be sad that you're no longer newlyweds, instead celebrate your accomplishments of having a successful marriage for however long you've been together. Celebrate the fact that you get to make each other feel like you're just getting to know each other again by surprising each other with a gift or dinner reservations. Celebrate the little things, just like you did when you were a newlywed.

Being a newlywed isn't the best season of marriage because every season of marriage is special and should be as highly revered as the newlywed phase.

How have you learned to savor your current season of marriage?

love week: comparison in marriage

2015-01-05T06:30:00.000-05:00

Hello there Sew My Soul readers! I am so happy to be with you all today while Kaitlin is off celebrating her one year anniversary! My name is Cassie and I blog at Sage. I'm a newlywed and west coaster recently transplanted to the Midwest. My blog reflects my passion for marriage and my faith, and includes a little of the in between as well. I'm honored to be here today and I hope you'll stop by sometime to visit me at my blog!

The comparison game is dangerous. Us females know that all too well. My phrase, if you will, for 2014 was the classic quote from Teddy Roosevelt: "Comparison is the thief of joy." Although this sounds stereotypical, it really is true. Comparing ourselves with others really is a recipe for disaster.

When we first got married, I had many expectations for what a godly marriage should look like. I had preconceived notions of what it meant for my husband to lead me, how our prayer life would look, and how we would make Jesus the center of our home. And guess what? I spent the first few months of our marriage feeling like we were doing it wrong. Like we were failing. But were we really failing? The answer is absolutely not. We just weren't exactly meeting the expectations I had put upon us.

Where did those expectations come from? Comparison. Comparison with other women and their marriages. Comparison with media. Comparison ALL AROUND. Comparing your marriage to others is toxic, and I know that first hand.

In the blog world, we see perfectly staged instagram photos of women laying in bed with their husbands on Saturday morning, Starbucks in hand. We see professional photographs of women cooking in their kitchens with their husbands for those not so original "home shoots." We see perfectly tidy kitchen tables where women sit and read their bible, pray over their marriages, and journal about how perfect their husband is.

What we forget, however, is that we don't see the other parts of marriage. We don't see videos of the fights over the laundry. We don't see the pile of dishes in the sink waiting to be washed. We don't see unmade beds and dusty bibles. Because that wouldn't portray our marriage well to the outside world, would it?

Comparing your marriage to someone else's is guaranteed to rob you of your joy and leave you feeling down. No one's marriage looks the same, and that's perfectly alright. Sure, it's great to look up to women with healthy, biblical relationships, but it's also important to not let that go too far.

My husband might not like to lay in bed with me all Saturday morning so that we can stage the perfect instagram photo, but he sure likes to beat me out of bed and make coffee and pancakes. Our kitchen might not always be photo ready, but it's sure full of a lot of good food and fun. I might not always clean off my kitchen table, pray like I should over my marriage, or journal about how perfect my husband is, but I sure as hell make sure to spend quality time with my husband every night, even if only for an hour. And our prayer life might look different then yours, but we pray and that's what matters.

Although my marriage might not look like that of other women, I am content with that. I'm learning a marriage doesn't have to look a certain way to be happy, healthy, and focused on Jesus. We all do things a little differently, and that's what makes marriage fun.

As we enter into 2015, I challenge you to examine what areas of your marriage you might be comparing to another marriage. If it's a healthy comparison, I pray that you would strive to better your relationship in that way. If it's not a healthy comparison, I pray that you would break free of the chains that holding you from embracing the marriage that God designed for YOU and realize that it doesn't have to look like anyone else's to be perfect for you.

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new year, same me

2015-01-01T09:32:00.001-05:00

I've never understood the expression, "New year, new me!" The clock striking midnight in the real world doesn't change you. Besides, even in fairy tales, the change at midnight took the girl to something she didn't want to be.
On January 1st, you are you. The same you you were before the year began, the same one who woke up on December 31st and each day before that. There's nothing magical about a new year that suddenly transforms you into someone with different struggles, a better personality, a better life.
All of that...it's not a bad thing. It's not disappointing and doesn't need to be disheartening.
It's good. It's beautiful. You're already enough! You don't need a new year to change into something more. You don't need to be more! You don't need to be less, either.
Goals are great. Knowing things you want to do, tangible accomplishments, like save $2,000 in three months, or work hard to earn a promotion within 6 months, or develop healthy habits by reducing intake of junk food and sticking to a workout schedule, those are good things.
But you don't need to wait for the first of the year for that. Today is the same as yesterday, except for the number I'll write at the end of the date.
I'm still Kaitie. I'm still the woman who loves to laugh, who loves reading Tolstoy, Whitman, and Flannery O'Connor just as much as she loves Will Ferrell movies. I still hate pedicures or anything that involves my legs being touched below the knee. I still don't like going to gyms and much prefer a yoga studio or a hike to a gorgeous overlook or waterfall. I still think bread is the best food group.
I'm the same person I was yesterday, the same beautiful soul, deeply loved by the creator of the universe. And you are too.
I have goals for this year, like spending less time thinking about the next step in life and wishing it to be here sooner, and learn to love my husband better every day. But I'm not resolving to be anyone else. I'm not going to try to become someone else, someone who likes different things or looks completely different on the outside or the inside.
And I want to encourage you to do the same thing. Have goals that run throughout the year. Set new ones often. Reevaluate your priorities and examine your heart frequently.
But stop striving. Stop this relentless focus on the new year and saying it's going to make you new, too. It won't. You're still you. The same beautiful, wonderful, deeply loved and valued you you were last year. Don't try to change that.
Embrace yourself today. Embrace who you are. Be yourself and be joyful in it.
I will never set New Years resolutions. I'm never going to take the start of a new period of time as an opportunity to change into something totally different.
Because I'm good enough. I'm exactly who I was designed to be. I have struggles and faults I need to work on, just like anyone else. I'm not a perfect person. I never will be. But I was designed with perfect intention and I won't let the world make me forget it.
You were designed with perfect intention. Don't let the world make you forget it.
Go into this year with one big resolution: Don't resolve to be anyone or anything besides yourself. You've been created with perfect intention and design, and who you are today is just as beautiful as who you were yesterday.
Happy new year, beautiful. I hope it is just as wonderful as you deserve, and I hope you find contentment in it.

community brew || on generosity

2014-12-17T07:56:00.002-05:00

   This week I'm thrilled to be cohosting Community Brew with my lovely blog and real life friends Madison and Rachel! Once a month they host a linkup discussing life. Today we're talking about generosity. Some things to consider in your post: Romans 15:1 Proverbs 11:24-25 What does generosity mean to you during the holiday season? Why and how are we called to be generous as believers? How is generosity a theme in your life?    The last 72 hours have been rough around here. I was feeling down Sunday & Monday because God's plans don't always match up with what I want right. this. minute. And yesterday I got the migraine from hell. I was fine, then fifteen minutes later I was vomiting from pain.    In that time, my brain was focused on me, me, me. Mostly, being frustrated by what was happening to me, me, me.    I lost perspective. It's so easy, isn't it? When we're in the middle of sadness or sickness, it's so easy to forget gratitude. It's so easy to forget goodness. It's so easy to forget the blessing we have of being able to give to others.    Generosity is a word we throw around a lot, especially this time of year. We call this the "season of giving" and while I think it's great that this time of year inspires giving, I don't agree with that sentiment.    Why do we have just one season of giving? Why is this the time to be generous?
See, as Christians, we're called to live generous lives. We're called to sacrifice ourselves for others. We are called to be in an attitude of giving all our lives.    Yet all the year long, this is easy to neglect. Then, at Christmas, we wake up. We remember our great gift in Christ. We remember how much we have and are inspired to share with others. It's Christmas! It's the time for giving!
Generosity doesn't have a time. It doesn't have a season. Generosity is constant. It's in the attitude you carry when you wake up every morning. How can I help someone else today? How can I be of service today? What do I have that someone else needs more than I do?
I want to live in generosity. I don't want to celebrate just one season. I want my heart to always be desiring to give.    Yes, I love to give at Christmas. There are tons of presents under my tree and more still being made. I love seeing the smiles on the faces of the ones I love when they open a package and see something picked out just for them.    I just don't want to focus on making those smiles happen once a year, during the "season of giving."    Your whole life is a season in time. Make it the season of generosity.

An InLinkz Link-up

in which i brag about my husband

2014-12-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time I didn't believe in marriage so I broke up with a boy I loved who loved me back.
And now that boy is a man and I call him husband.
Let me just talk about him for a minute. Okay, an entire post.
He works full time and often piles on overtime too. While he's not working, he's usually studying hard and working towards his master's degree in Nursing. He's incredible. He also cleans the house when I'm away for a few days even if it is finals week, takes me out on fun dates, and ensures our life together is full of laughter and joy.
The last two semesters have been intense. He's been working so much, and adjusting to having a wife. Plus he moved. Twice.
And yet, he still made all A's this semester, all while working to pay for our basics and our fun, saving for our future, getting ready for a great Christmas, and going on vacation for our anniversary.
His classes are hard. No. Hard is the wrong word. They're ridiculous. Medical degrees are some of the toughest to earn. Every piece of information he ever learns absolutely must stay in his head because he never knows when a patient's life may depend on that one thing they covered one day in half a lecture. He can never really "just get by" in school. He has to be all in, all the time.
And he is. Always. He's all in at work with his current patients. He's all in at school giving it his best. He's all in in our marriage.
My husband is an all in kind of guy. If he's going to commit to something, he's doing it with everything in him. He doesn't do halfhearted. He doesn't do minimal effort. He gives all of himself all the time. Good isn't enough. His best is all that will do, and even then he wants to make his best even better.
And he picked me. Out of every girl that ever existed in all the world, somehow I'm the one he chose. I get to cheer him on in all he does. I get to be cheered on by him in all I do. I get his hugs (which by the way are the greatest hugs in the world). I get to hear him be shocked by his grades. I get to celebrate the successes, big and small, with him. I get to spoil the heck out of him at Christmas because he has earned it and so much more.
I get to be his wife. He's the most incredible man I know. And I'll never tire of celebrating life with him and being part of all of his successes.

one lovely blog award + seven things you probably don't know about me

2014-12-08T13:57:00.001-05:00

My gorgeous on the inside and out friend Cassie over at Sage nominated me for the One Lovely Blog award a couple of weeks ago (and I'm late on the post about it because I was on a 4 day trip for work last week that completely overloaded my brain) and I'm so honored. Hearing that people value work that comes from your soul is so humbling and beautiful. One of the rules of the award is that in your post about it you must tell seven things about yourself that others probably don't know. SO let's embarrass me on the internet for all to see, shall we? 1 | I used to be an exhibiting artist on Gallery Row in Charleston, SC as a freshman art major, which was a pretty big accomplishment. I specialized in charcoal and oil painting, and my primary subject matter was the human form. I kind of took a hiatus from creating for a long time because I went into arts management and used my creative energy to help other artists learn to be successful in promoting and selling their work. I've got a canvas in my home office right now just waiting for some paint and I think I know what it wants to be now. 2 | I'm 100% convinced God had a moment of sheer insanity when he created feet. They're the absolute worst. Don't ever touch my feet. I will kick you. I once broke the nose of a woman giving me my first ever pedicure...someone (I don't remember who, it happened in Canada) convinced me it would be great and feel amazing and be the exception to my foot rule. NOPE. 3 | I currently have one tattoo (you probably do know that if you're a regular reader) but I have plans for several more. All future ink has to be Husband Approved since he's the one who looks at me and I still want him to think I'm super hot forever. The ones in the "queue" are all approved, and now it's just a matter of saving a little at a time. Ink is expensive. 4 | I'm extremely susceptible to a terrible affliction called The Giggles. Just one little stupid joke can set me off for ten minutes. Not exaggerating. This joke sent me into a severe asthma attack from hysterical laughter: What does coral get stressed about? CURRENT EVENTS!!! I just think it's hilarious because I picture a little cartoon coral reading the newspaper about a change in current and having a full on panic attack. It's so funny.

5 | I have 153 books in my possession. Which I just found out because I'm supposed to send Madison one book but I can't pick just one and so to distract myself from actually making a decision I counted my books. 6 | I can also memorize what I read very easily. It's not quite an eidetic memory (photographic is a misnomer) but it is very close. I remember every book I've ever read, and still remember most of what I learned in college and can tell you the exact final price of an estimate I very briefly looked at with my dad last Wednesday. $4,932.10. My family says that watching me recall information looks like there's a little Rolodex in my brain I'm flipping through, which is actually pretty close to what's happening in my head. Sometimes I don't realize I'm giving a full on encyclopedia entry about something simple until I'm halfway through it which can be kind of embarrassing if I do it in front of people who aren't expecting it because they don't know me. 7 | I don't leave my house in sweatpants unless I'm doing something that requires being sweaty. Never. I don't understand it. Productivity in what are basically pajamas that make you feel like you can be athletic is just not the same. It actually annoyed me to no end when other people would show up to class like that in college. Put on real clothes. Then put your hair in a ponytail if you're tired. It takes the exact same amount of effort to show those who keep your university running that you are thankful for their work and that you value your time there and the knowledge you're gaining. I also don't work in my pajamas even though I work from home. Same reason. Respect for my job and myself, and an extra boost to my productivity. Even before I became a Christian and was partying pretty hard, no matter what degree hungover I was I still didn't wear sweats to class. It still bothers me that people do this! Now I'm charged with the very difficult task of nominating 7 others! I love so many blogs and there are too many excellent ones to choose from. Alas, I must choose.

I wish I could nominate Cassie back but I don't think it works that way. These are just a few of my favorites in blog world. Go read for hours and get nothing done! Actually don't listen to that last bit. It's terrible advice. Read for hours when you don't have things to get done. Be responsible and then read these ladies for forever because I love them!

coffee date (a few days late)

2014-12-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

On Friday my friend Jenna over at Dearest Love hosted a coffee date. And I intended to join but I was busy loving time with my family after hosting my first Thanksgiving (which if you follow me on Instagram you saw), buying our first Christmas tree, and...

FINALLY buying my camera!! I actually cried in Best Buy when I realized it was happening and all the way through checkout, and then couldn't really speak for at least an hour. And then I spent hours and hours with it all weekend long. Here's a few sample shots from me playing around.
So, without further ado, on to the coffee date, If we were having coffee, it would be at my house, with lattes and cappuccinos I made for us in my dining room with the espresso maker and milk steamer we were able to buy thanks to a very late wedding gift card from distant relatives. I would tell you how I worked in a small town coffee shop through high school, and that ever since my first day on the job there I've dreamed of my own latte station in my home.
I would probably take a hundred pictures because I've dreamed about having this camera for years and have been saving for quite some time.
I would tell you how thankful I am for my life right now and for all the amazing people in it who love me, and who I get the pleasure of loving in return. I would tell you how wonderful it was to have my family in my home for Thanksgiving. How much fun we had cooking and laughing together. How much joy filled my house as we ate and sipped wine and talked late into the night.
Those things were the highs of my November. The best moments, the happiest memories. Decorating for Christmas with my husband. Delighting in small dreams come true. Being with the people who bring out the most of me.
And, as it always does on coffee dates, the conversation would eventually meander towards the lows of the last month. I would have to be honest and say I had to make a decision about this blog.
No I'm not leaving.
Here's the thing: My new job has been such an amazing blessing. And while working from home is exactly right for me, it is significantly more demanding of my brainpower and energy. I don't have the time or drive left over to promote like I did when I was working part time. I know there are plenty of bloggers who work full time and still promote like crazy and do it all well, but I have a "full focus" brain and that just isn't who I am.
When I sat down with all of this information in my head, I came to a decision I knew was right but I didn't want to say, Alas, I must.
As of today, December 1st, I will no longer be accepting new sponsors. All who purchased slots already and have been approved will still be displayed on the sidebar during the time you were scheduled. I will do my best to promote you as often as possible, but it may not be to the same extent I was once able to do for my sponsors.
To those sponsors who have been negatively impacted by my distraction and lack of promotion, I am so sorry. I kept thinking "Next week will be slower and I can schedule some more tweets," and then suddenly next week was over and I had no idea what happened. And then just as suddenly November was over and it was December and I had never gotten those tweets out or promotions set or spotlights up. If you would like a refund, please email me and I will work with Passionfruit to get your money back to you as soon as possible.
What I will do instead is a simple button swap. I won't promise a certain number of promotions or shoutouts but I will share occasionally. I will also be happy to accept or exchange guest posts.
Again, this was not a decision made lightly but I know it's what's right for me, Sew My Soul, and potential sponsors. Your money should go to someone who can promote you well, and I'm not that person right now.
If we were on a coffee date, I'd feel a lot better having that off my chest. In fact, I already do.
And if we were on a coffee date, it would be your turn to tell me about life lately. So go ahead, tell me. What have been your highs and lows?

keeping positive body image during the season of plenty

2014-11-25T07:36:00.003-05:00

Sunday super early in the morning I woke up to do all my grocery shopping for Thanksgiving (I hate crowds so I picked a time when no one else would want to go.) My fridge and cabinets are full of supplies for Thursday's big feast. Three pies are ready to be made. Two types of potatoes. Two turkeys. Two types of stuffing. Two appetizers. One green vegetable. Cranberry jelly. Wine. Sparkling cider. Cappuccinos. Lattes. There was a time not that long ago when that list would have me terrified. Last week, I got pretty real and admitted that I had a seven year struggle with eating disorders that hit its lowest point just three years ago. So yeah. These holiday dinners used to be my nightmare. But...Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my two favorite days of the year. I love being with family. I love preparing to serve them. I love decorating my home. And you know what? I love the food. And on Thursday, I won't be letting myself think about the calories or the fat content or whether or not my jeans will fit me tomorrow. And you shouldn't either. The holidays are meant to be a time of joy. A time of celebration, of laughter, of family, of friends. A time to indulge in life. Not about strategically eating meals so that you don't consume too many calories or "bad" foods. So, over the last three years of recovery (because let's be really honest...recovery is a lifelong process and you're never 100% past the voices of anorexia and bulimia), I've developed some tools to help myself enjoy life, including seasons of plenty and indulgence. And I know there are many many women out there who have deep struggles with body image and for whom this time of year might be very difficult, so I'm sharing my strategies with you. 1 || Put away the scale. At least until the new year. Just don't look at the numbers. Numbers can taunt you. Yes, they might be good motivators if you're on a fitness journey. However, this is the season of baking, living around the table with those you love, and enjoying slowing down. So don't get on the scale, don't worry about your weight. If you realize some of your clothes are a little tight, maybe get a little more active. But don't think about how many pounds you gained at Thanksgiving or Christmas. 2 || Practice gratitude for your body. Look at yourself in the mirror and recognize the value of each and every inch of it. Your arms you think are a little too soft? They give amazing hugs to let people know they're loved, and you can't undervalue that. The belly you think isn't as flat as it should be? It gives deep resounding laughter in the making of memories. The thighs you think should be gapped standing still? They let you walk up to the door of a friend's house and deliver a package to show them you care. Your body is beautiful.
3 || Remember this: Size is not a valid compliment or insult. Why do we look at someone's size and define them by their body's mass? It's absurd. A body houses a soul. It is a vessel in which a person lives. You are not defined by your vessel. Your size has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. So when someone tells you you look thin, say thanks, be polite, but don't take it in. And don't tell someone else they look thin either. Because size isn't what makes someone beautiful. Instead, tell your best friend she has the greatest laugh in the whole world. Tell your sister you absolutely love how she shows gratitude every day. Tell your mom she always knows how to make people feel welcome in her life. Those are the real compliments. Those are the ones that matter. This is not an exhaustive list by any means. There are a million little tools I've picked up over the last three years to help me not get down on myself. These, though, these are my favorites. These are my fallbacks when I'm having a hard day. These are the three that I turn to when I start to wonder if I should really eat that snack.
And these are the three I want to share with the world. Because I truly believe if we all looked at ourselves through these lenses, we would all be happier.
What do you do to feel beautiful during seasons of plenty?

link your ink // the swallow's broken chains

2014-11-21T08:44:00.003-05:00

Cassie and I are SO excited to be sharing this linkup with you today. We both love tattoos, how they tell pieces of the whole story of a person. The permanence of the artwork that embeds itself into someone's skin.
I do think there are some tattoos that are reckless and not exactly art or story telling.
My ink, though...mine is deep. And it's a big part of a story.

Digital representation of my ink. It's on my lower hip...not exactly a location a photo needs to be taken of.

I got this tattoo exactly three years ago tomorrow, two days after my 21st birthday. And I was in a deep dark point in my life. This tattoo, once meant to give me permission to run from deep pain, is now a symbol of redemption.
I wrote on Cassie's blog a while back about sex in marriage and I noted that I didn't wait until my wedding night to have sex. At the time of this tattoo, I subscribed to the belief that "it's my body, I'll do what I want, with who I want, and it doesn't matter."
I had an extremely traumatic experience when I was a freshman in college that led to this belief forming. I don't plan to go into detail on that experience on this blog. At least not now, possibly not ever. Suffice it to say, it really messed me up for a really long time. And I was already a little messed up.
I've also briefly noted that I struggled with body image in the past. When I got this tattoo, that struggle was plummeting fast to what would be its lowest point in my life.
Two months after getting this ink, I would drop 17 pounds in one month, but that still wouldn't be enough.
Five months after getting this tattoo, my parents rallied around me and got me the help I needed to face my pain, learn to enjoy food rather than see it as the enemy, and ultimately brought me into the friendship that would result in me meeting Jesus.
The swallow was meant to symbolize me flying away from pain, away from the things that haunted me, and away from having to face it and what it had done to me. I wanted to be free of the rules, free of restriction, free of hurt, and free of the broken girl I had become.
Then, grace happened. Jesus came. Jesus took over. Recovery started.
Recovery from eating disorders (there, I've said the words. Someday I might write more about them but for now just saying the words here is brave enough) is no joke. To be perfectly blunt, it totally sucks. Recovery from trauma...sucks doesn't even begin to cover it.
But after months and months and MONTHS of work, meeting friends who showed me Jesus, who knew the absolute worst things I had ever done (and there were some really bad things) and who loved me anyway, focusing on healing broken relationships with my parents, and embracing the process of moving forward, I finally learned what freedom feels like.
The swallow in my tattoo was drawn by me, and was traced by the artist onto the template he would use to ink me. The wording "live free" is in my handwriting. This ink of mine...it's 100% my art. Someone else just put it there permanently.
Proverbs 26:2 Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying, So a curse without cause does not alight.
My swallow now represents my past not being a curse to me anymore. It represents grace taking over, Jesus protecting me, and allowing me to fly free of the chains of pain that once bound me.
Romans 8:1-2 Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.
The words once written in anger, pain and denial now mean that I am no longer bound by who I was. I am no longer captive to my pain or my demons. I am free in Christ.
My ink is a visual representation of the deepest memories of my soul. The darkest, the most beautiful, and the dark turned to light. My story is held in the lines on my skin. My pain and my redemption both represented forever.
Some say "what if your tattoos stretch as you age? What if it doesn't look like it did when you got it?" I say...to me, it already looks different. It's more beautiful now than it ever was before. I dare say, it will only get more beautiful with time, as my story plays out in years to come.
This is my ink. This is my story. This is the love of the Lord written on my skin.
And now, I invite you to join together with us and link your ink and your story too.

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community brew // on birthdays and seasons

2014-11-20T09:05:00.002-05:00

I don't know about you, but birthdays always seem to me like something should be happening in the upcoming year. Something monumental should accompany such a thing as becoming a year older.
Well, today is my birthday, and I have some really great things planned to celebrate, but there really isn't anything huge happening this year. I already got married, we're still a few years away from trying to start a family, we aren't buying a house (although we are most likely moving back to the part of the state we're from sometime in the spring).
This season is odd for me knowing that it won't be one with a major milestone. I've spent a lot of life looking for that big thing coming. Some big accomplishment waiting to happen, or a big change to mark of my list.
24 isn't coming with a big thing. It's just...here.
Don't get me wrong--I am so excited about my birthday celebrations, tonight with my husband who I think is just the greatest man ever, and then with him and my family Saturday, who I consider my best friends. Celebrating with my people is the best part about a birthday.
This year just doesn't really feel different. This season doesn't really feel like things are changing. And somehow, that seems weird. I've had something big changing every year since I was 15. Turning 16 and driving, moving to a new school, going to a dream program at an art school over the summer when I was 17, graduating and going to college at 18, getting my work in an art gallery at 19, transferring schools at 20, turning 21 and ordering a glass of wine (well, at that time it was more than a little wine, but that's a different tale for a different day), turning 22 and graduating college and starting life as an adult, unexpectedly falling in love, getting engaged, turning 23 and getting married.
So now, I'm 24. And I'm in a season without major change. It's unsettling. But it's also good.
I think God is going to use this season to really teach me to be happy with what I have and where I'm at, and to not always be thinking about the next big thing. I think 24 will be a year of learning that it's okay to not be expecting something new. That it's okay to be happy as I am right this minute. That what the world says about striving, about needing more, about chasing something...it's not true. I don't have to do that to be happy.
Right now, I have my husband, my dogs, amazing friends, my family...I have such a good life right here at this very moment without changing a single thing. And that's good. That's great! I have more than I need today. I have more than enough. So I don't need to worry about getting more.
I'm good.

Get it? Ice Ice Baby. Cassie is the inspiration behind this funny.

Except my broken nose...which is also another story for another day. Long story short, a teaser if you will: my husband is much larger than me, we are both extraordinarily accident prone and uncoordinated, and sometimes a hug can go terribly, horribly wrong when you combine all those things. And then you tell the doctor you hit it on the counter making cookies because you dropped chocolate in front of your dogs, because it was seriously an innocent freak accident and nobody needs to call the cops.
What season are you sitting in right now?

thank you, husband. a letter

2014-11-18T07:26:00.001-05:00

Dear Drew, You inspire me every day. The way you love me with every ounce of you, wanting to fill me with joy more than anything else. The way you devote yourself to providing for us now and in the future. The way you care for your patients and their families above and beyond what your actual duties are. The way you study so hard so that you can finish grad school even sooner for us. Your selflessness dazzles me. You sacrifice time and energy for those you love, especially me. Not a day goes by that I'm not in awe of the fact that I am the one you chose to spend your life with, that I'm the one who benefits most from your giving nature. I love the sound of your laugh. I especially love when I'm the cause of that laughter. I love to bring you joy, to see that smile that consumes your entire face. Seeing that smile is the highlight of my day. When we said I do, you vowed to "always hold {me} as {your} standard of beauty, ever changing as we change." You've kept that promise so well, even when you didn't love it when I cut my hair short the first moment you saw it. The next day, you were noting how the texture of my hair was so highlighted by the angles. When I worry about my size, you remind me exactly how beautiful and desirable you find me. I always know by your touch that I truly am the most beautiful woman in the world to you. There aren't enough words to describe just how grateful I am for you. But I am. So deeply, truly, wholly thankful that you are my husband and that I get to spend all of my days loving you, supporting you, serving you, and making you smile. I will never stop loving you for the rest of my days. Love, Kaitie.

golden vlog vol. 3

2014-11-13T06:49:00.001-05:00

I kind of love vlogging. Thank you, Faith, for helping me discover this information about myself.

Also...you can get almost better sales the week after Black Friday. Original prices in the ads leading up to the event to get you excited about the discounts are actually higher than the true price. Great marketing strategy, but I say it's worth waiting to shop. Plus, the crowds will be GONE.
What's happening at Thanksgiving around your house?
And is it stuffing or dressing??? I always thought dressing is what goes on salad. But maybe it can be two things??

in which i recommend a read

2014-11-12T08:40:00.003-05:00

It's no secret that I love to read and write. Anything to do with words, I cannot get enough of. The one item in our home we have the most of: books. My ultimate life dream is to have a detached little cottage or suite in the backyard of our beautiful farmhouse that I will turn into a library, complete with a couple of cushy armchairs and coffee & tea station.
Recently I discovered Blogging for Books. I get to pick a book, get it free, write about it, and then get another book. SOLD. This was possibly my most exciting discovery in Blogland ever.
Something to know about me: I will read almost anything. However, I do have some favorite categories. Historical fiction is one of them. So, as I read the description of Thief of Glory by Sigmund Brouwer, I was already hooked and checking my mailbox every day to see if it was in there. When it finally came, I read it in an hour and a half. So I read it again.
This book is amazing. World War II came with so many atrocities towards multiple groups of people, things we could never imagine being our own reality. Brouwer made it so much more real to me.
The exploration of the lifelong effects of deep, long term trauma in this book was simply extraordinary. I really can't describe any events without giving away what I think are some of the most important twists, but the strength and intelligence of the main character will blow you away and linger in your heart for days after. The deeper into his story you get, the pieces of which don't come together until the very end, the more your heart breaks and your admiration grows.
I think the most incredible part for me was knowing that this life, this story...it was real for so many. So many people lived this, and so many died before escaping the horrors. Although this account is fiction, it was very, very real not that long ago.
If you want a lighthearted read, this isn't the book for you. However, if you want to think long and hard, and have your perspective on the world, on human nature, and the grace of God rocked to the core, pick up Thief of Glory. You will not regret it.
What have you read lately that I need to pick up?

link your ink//a new linkup announcement

2014-11-10T07:12:00.002-05:00

Today Cassie from Sage and I are OVERJOYED to announce a little project we have been working on! Link Your Ink is an opportunity for you to share with us your favorite tattoo and the story behind it! Tattoos often have a special meaning to their owner, and we want to hear all about it! You may be familiar with Cassie's previous "Story Behind the Tattoo" posts. You may not know that I myself have a touch of ink and have plans for a bit more in the near future!

The link up will take place on Friday, November 21st which just so happens to be my 3 year inkaversary. Just grab the button and link up the day of, no other prompts, rules, or restrictions! Well, I lied. ONE rule: POST PICTURES! We want to see that beautiful art!

Don't have any ink? WE STILL WANT YOU. Write about the tattoo you've always thought about getting, or write about a friend's tattoo that has special meaning to you.

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So tell me, do you know what tattoo you will be linking up? We can't wait to hear your story!

the most wonderful time of the year: season's goals

2014-11-07T07:52:00.000-05:00

November and December are my absolute favorite months of the year. Thanksgiving and Christmas are my two favorite days ever. Plus this is my birthday month. And my little brother turned 21 yesterday. Wait. That part's not so cool...I'm not prepared for my brother to be of legal age for everything short of presidency. He's supposed to stay twelve forever. Stop aging, Travis. You're breaking Sister's heart. I'm also experiencing mixed emotions about my birthday. On the one hand, I love birthdays. On the other hand, I'll be 24, which means next is 25, and because ages 26-29 don't exist in my mind apparently, I feel like I'll be 30 pretty much immediately after 25. And I'm not okay with that. In spite of my irrational mixed feelings towards the age of myself and those I'm related to, I'm still beyond excited for this season. First, this Thanksgiving is our first major holiday as The Beckwiths and I'm so happy about it. We are having my parents & brother and Drew's dad come to our house for Thanksgiving and I can't wait to host my first holiday meal in my first house in my first year of marriage. Lots of firsts coming up. It's also our first Christmas together and I'm so looking forward to decorating a tree, having a fire on Christmas Eve, waking up together and having Christmas morning with just the two of us, and starting new traditions. Christmas has always been my favorite day, and I can't wait to share it with my husband. Plus, all the baked goods. I can't wait for all the baking. It's my favorite part. So I'm setting some goals to keep myself on track and help me declutter my brain. So here are my goals for the holiday season.

Stick to our Dave Ramsey system of budgeting wisely, saving intentionally, and building in some "fun money" into our budget so neither of us feels totally restricted from doing or purchasing a fun thing here or their.
Plan a date or two in advance instead of just deciding to go to dinner last minute.
Read for fun. Not just blogs, but actual books.
Spend quality time with friends and family by cooking for them, inviting them over for coffee, or even just going with them to the grocery store or on their most basic of errands.
Blog consistently 3 times per week. I miss it when I'm not writing often and it's always in the back of my mind no matter what I'm doing.
Give some purchased gifts but some handmade gifts. Give with intention and thoughtfulness, while also sticking to our budget.
Get on a cleaning schedule so that while I'm working and preparing for holidays I don't neglect my house. I'm bad about this. It's gotta stop.
Actually do my quiet times and read the Bible like I used to. I've sucked at this. Anyone have a good devotional series they want to recommend?

Goal setting is always helpful. I'm going to be putting these all together in a pretty way and printing it out to put on my fridge so that I have the reminder all the time of where I want to be investing my time and energy.
Now excuse me while I go start on goals 3 & 6 on my weekend off. Drew is going hiking with the guys from our small group tomorrow and working today, so I'm doing what my family calls "caving" and not talking to people and doing things I love. Plus cleaning my house. After I read a book.
What do you want to accomplish this month?

currently: november edition

2014-11-05T07:43:00.000-05:00

This is currently the view out of my home office window. It's perfection.

I've been blog slacking lately...sorry. All I can say for myself is my new job has been consuming most of my brain and there has been so little room left for anything else.
I LOVE the job and it's so perfect for my interests and for the lifestyle I want. Working from home is fantastic. But, as with any new job, I'm learning a TON and it's a bit overwhelming. However with each day it's getting less overwhelming and I'm finally getting into a rhythm.
So today, to get my brain back in the game, I'm linking up with Jenna and Anne for another edition of Currently.
READING | Saturday I read an entire book in two hours. It's called Thief of Glory and it was so good, but that's a different post for another day! I'm also reading Dave Ramsey's books with Drew since we are using my new job as an opportunity to really focus on saving as much as we can. I need a new fun book though...any recommendations?
WISHLISTING | Sigh. My dear, sweet, beautiful camera. I'm hoping and praying that I can buy her soon. She's been on my wishlist for two years.

LOVING | Coffee, planning Christmas and Thanksgiving (I'm hosting it this year for my parents, brother, and Drew's dad and I can't wait!)...I love this time of year. My brother and I both have November birthdays too--his is tomorrow and he'll be 21 and I'm not handling it well. He's supposed to be ten forever. I am loving planning my birthday festivities too. A day trip to Asheville is in the works and I'm so excited! I love the mountains more than anything.

APPRECIATING | My new lifestyle as a work from home employee/wife/person and the fact that I'm finally a full time salaried employee for the first time ever. It's so nice not to be hourly and not to be worried about losing hours if I'm sick or have to go to the doctor. I feel really good contributing more to our life too. Drew has always said he wants me to work because I want to, not because I have to, and realistically we probably could manage fine if I didn't work, but I enjoy it and I like feeling like I'm helping to prepare for our future by bringing in more and budgeting wisely. So I'm just really appreciating this opportunity and how it's working for us. I'm also seriously appreciating cooler weather. I hate heat. Fall and winter, please stay forever.

CREATING | I haven't felt very creative outside of work in a long time. Working in the arts has this strange effect sometimes...when you're so focused on helping others with their art, it can be very easy to lose your own creativity. Now, I'm finally feeling that spark again, and for that I'm so grateful! I just knitted a huge infinity scarf, and I'm working on refashioning a Goodwill find, like I did in the olden times of this blog!
What are you up to these days?

community brew vol. 5 // on having it all

2014-10-29T08:45:00.000-04:00

I'm joining up with Rachel and Madison today for Community Brew once again with a topic I've never addressed before.
This post might not sit well with some. It might make some uncomfortable. Maybe even rub some the wrong way.
The harsh truth: I don't care. Sometimes the things that make you uncomfortable are the things you need to hear most.
So here goes nothing.
How many times have you heard someone say "Women can have it all" in a motivational sense? How many times have you heard it used as a sort of feminist anthem?
Don't get me wrong. I'm absolutely a feminist. Jesus was too, by the way. Read the new testament and see just how deeply he valued them, on the same level he did men. But feminism to me means humanism. It means putting all of us on equal ground. Just like Jesus did during his life and through his sacrifice on the cross.
So what does this have to do with "having it all?"
Tons.
Having it all sounds exhausting. It involves saying yes to every opportunity. Pursuing every chance for success in every area of life. It involves striving to give the best of you to everything and always pursuing more because you're supposed to have it all, but if you haven't done this yet then you don't have it all even though you've already got this, this, this, this, and oh yeah, this too.
The pursuit of a life in which you have it all will ultimately lead to two things: having not enough left to give of yourself, and exhaustion from constant striving and never allowing yourself a chance to be content.
I want to encourage a different perspective on what it means to have it all. What if you woke up this morning, and instead of thinking about what you need to do in order to finally have it all, thought to yourself, my life is really beautiful, and I already have it all?
What if instead of focusing on striving for more, more, more to prove you can have it all, you focused on being thankful for all you already have?
The thing is, I don't have everything I want yet. I'm not living in the city I want to live in yet, although we have the chance to change that in about five or six months, I don't have the kids I dream about raising yet, and I'm not a homeowner of my white farmhouse with dark green shutters and a dark wooden door with windows everywhere.
When I look at what I don't have yet, it's easy to get discouraged and think I'm somehow not doing enough because I can't have it all yet. Feeling like you're not enough or aren't able to do enough isn't fun. It hurts. And it leads to so much pressure, stress, and exhaustion. Who wants to live in the constant feeling of never having enough?
Not me. Having it all doesn't mean I have to have all I've ever dreamed of at one time. Having it all is already happening to me. And it's happening to you too.
I have the most precious gift: the love and acceptance of a warm and beautiful Savior. Whether or not you believe it or want it, it's there, and it's there for each and every person on Earth. That's the thing about being loved. You aren't in charge of whether or not someone else loves you. They decide. And He's already decided.
I'm a feminist. And I don't have it all by feminist or worldly standards. But I have it all anyway.
I live a beautiful life. I wake up with someone I love and am loved by every day. Two furry wild pups run around making messes in my home and snuggle with me each night. I have a job I love that allows me to spend time in my home. I have friends and family I can call on when I need them.
I'm not wealthy. I might never be wealthy. I'm not a mom. I'm not a homeowner. I'm not travelling the world. I'm not a size four. I'm not a homeowner. I'm not a scholar with a doctorate or any plans to get one right now. I'm not...I'm not...I'm not. The list can go on.
But I'm alive, I'm loved, and in those two simple facts, I have it all anyway. So from now on I'm done thinking I have to pursue more to have it all. I'm done wondering when I'm going to get there. I'm done thinking I'm not feminist enough because I don't have it all or I'm not doing enough because I don't have it all. I'm done focusing on what I don't have and who I'm not.
I know who I am, and I have it all in spite of the million things I don't have. And you do too. I invite you to join me in this new way of thinking of having it all.
Do you struggle with this idea too?

simple moments last the longest

2014-10-27T07:04:00.001-04:00

I've been in love with the same boy since I was seventeen years old. Yes, there were some interruptions along the way during which we weren't exactly speaking and the love wasn't shown. Still, it's been there since our senior year of high school, only growing more over time. On Friday we went to look for new bedding. I've always loved crisp white linens and bedspreads, but the boy I've loved since I was seventeen finds white to be too cold, too stiff. As though a chambermaid may enter our home and ask him if he would like his linens starched today. He also hates how easily white becomes less white. If it is to be white, it must be clean. When we started the search for this new, not cold, not white bedding, it was frustrating. He's a bit colorblind, so some of the colors I gravitated towards just looked like an odd muddy tone that wasn't appealing in the least. The ones he saw with clarity were on bedspreads fit for a bachelor, and I used my veto on those, since neither of us is, in fact, a bachelor. Friday proved unsuccessful. That is, if success meant coming home with new bedding. As we walked into Target laughing together and enjoying the slowness of a day off together gracefully turning to night, I reached out to hold his hand. As his fingers made there way through mine until they were perfectly intertwined, my heart did a little flutter. "I still love holding your hand just as much as I did when I was seventeen," I told him. The little smile, that slight turn upwards of the corner of his mouth, the quiet creasing of his stubbly cheek as his muscles involuntarily responded with pleasure said so much in the silence. His grin, the same grin of the boy of seventeen, spoke the words that have no letters. Those little moments, the small ones, the ones you might think hold no weight? Those are the moments to treasure. Those are the moments to remember when you're exhausted and angry and all the wrong words have come out and nothing seems right anymore. Those are the moments to revel in on slow Monday mornings over coffee in your softest robe. Those small insignificant moments of peace and bliss and the butterflies all over again...those are the ones that last the longest. Hold them tightly, like you're seventeen and in love and don't care who knows. It's the simple ones that a life well lived is built on.

reflections, renewal, and restored faith

2014-10-24T10:12:00.002-04:00

The last seven days have been a whirlwind of experiences and emotions and answered prayers. From spending a weekend with 14 other women, 13 of whom I knew so well here but never met in real life, to starting a new job that was exactly what I have been praying for for so long, to seeing an old friend and talking for hours, to spending great quality time with my husband who I've hardly seen over the last two weeks. I really couldn't find words this week. I was too full of them to find the right ones.
I really still don't know which words are right. There are so many. All good...none quite right.
Just a year ago if you had told me I would sign up voluntarily to spend three days in a cabin full of strangers I probably would have vomited out of shear anxiety. Being an introvert who has always been very shy, the Renew Retreat was a serious accomplishment, and a major step outside of my comfort zone.
And I loved every second of it. The first five minutes were a little odd because hello, these are my friends behind the screen and I know what you look like because I see your photos on your blog, but oh my gosh I can reach out and touch you and you're real. But then it felt more like a reunion than an introduction. Madison and I had met in real life, so she walked outside to greet Robyn and me, and instantly started making fun of me once I opened the car door. No worries--that's how we know we like each other a lot. You're not real friends if you can't laugh at each other. Amy also ran out to assist in the re-parking of my ill arranged car...this help was much appreciated as I find parking to be quite the stressful endeavor.
Then we ate. And talked. And played. Slept, woke up to coffee and Jesus, and then talked more. So many amazing conversations, and very deep for eight in the morning. Then we went into Gatlinburg for a few hours, split into groups who were interested in doing other things. Madison, Robyn, Lauren, Jenna, Kristen, and Bailey and I went to Mellow Mushroom because once Madison said it nothing else would do. We did some shopping, tried local culinary samples...they're free, how do you say no to that? Then we went and took pictures in a field on top of a mountain and laughed and loved on each other and talked more.
Dinner was again wonderful. Conversations after were even better. Sunday morning waking up to everyone leaving was so sad. How do you part with friends wondering if you'll ever get that chance again? But I was still very full of joy. I felt like I had found my people. These women got me. We got each other. It was a reunion of kindred spirits, and I don't know that I'll ever experience anything quite like it again.
Monday I started my new job. Training for two days was intense but wonderful and I loved it and was so excited about everything I was going to be doing. Wednesday morning I woke up and set up my home office to accommodate my new work-from-home life. And then I got to work. Thursday I woke up early because it was Drew's work day, did some laundry, went to work still in my pajamas because all my pants were in the laundry, cleaned my house, did more work, finally put on clothes, worked more, and then got to see a friend from high school and spend several hours just talking away.
We had an incredible high school experience. Our core group of friends did everything together. Logan and I reminisced on lake days all summer long at my house, game nights and Christmas parties at hers, and the countless girls nights and tailgating parties for football games. She and I talked about how unique our experience was and how amazing it was that we had that support system through everything. Then we talked about future babies and buying houses and what a shock to the system marriage is. And then freaked out a bit over how fast the time has gone and how strange it is that we're now having serious discussions of when we might become mommies and when we'll be homeowners and how great our husbands are. Hi Logan! I found out yesterday she actually reads my blog fairly regularly so I'm sure she's reading this and laughing right now.
Spending time with Drew is my favorite thing in the world. I married my very best friend, and while it isn't always easy and we don't always like each other, I never get tired of seeing him when I wake up or holding his hand as I fall asleep. I never stop loving laying my head on his chest and hearing his heart beat. I never say no to random trips to Target or Walmart late at night because we need a Swiffer and a new movie, and while we're there playing with the shopping carts like little kids. Laughing until my face hurts and I'm in very real danger of wetting my pants with the man I love never gets old. This weekend I have three whole days of that, uninterrupted, and I couldn't be more excited. Five days away was too many.
Basically, this week has been overwhelming in its beauty. I prayed for years that I would find my people, people who got me on a soul level. I found that. I prayed for a job that would allow me to work from home and have flexibility and work for my unique personality, and I found that. Seeing old friends is always so great and hearing about where they're at in life is heartwarming. Time with my husband is more precious than anything in the world.
And in all of these moments, big and small, I found evidence of the goodness of the Lord and how much attention he truly pays to the desires of our hearts. In ever second of bliss I remember what is so easy to forget in heartache: He is there, He is listening, and He will never fail to show up exactly when and how we need Him.

opening the door to life

2014-10-20T06:31:00.000-04:00

First and foremost...I'm coming off of a weekend of love, laughter, beauty, and friendship with 14 of my dear friends...who I mostly met for the first time on Friday. Blogging brings friendships on a different level. We get to know each other here from the heart out, and when you finally meet the women you read in person, the strangeness of the first introduction lasts less than five minutes, and suddenly it's gone and you remember that these are your friends, you talk all the time, and you share your heart with each other every time you write a post, and of course this isn't strange, despite what non-bloggers may say.
For now that's all I can say about that. I'm still finding the words for what Renew was. Other than the obvious: a renewal.
Second, today I'm starting my new job. I'm getting ready right now to go into the office for the first time as the Sales and Marketing Coordinator for Accent Truss, and I am so excited. I'll be in the office today and tomorrow, and since it's a few hours away from home I'm staying with my parents until after work tomorrow. Wednesday I begin my new work from home life.
To say this is an answered prayer doesn't cover it. I've loved my career over the last five years. I built it earlier than most, focusing on it even in college, working just as hard and usually harder at it than I did school. Then after college I continued to work hard, spending more hours than I could be paid for working in the office, getting there early and leaving late depending on the day. I loved it for a long time, and then, slowly, I began to understand why I was feeling off kilter when I was driving to work. I needed a job that would allow me to do things I love and am passionate about, but do so in my home environment.
I needed to be able to work from home, where I am my truest self, where I am the most productive, and where I am the happiest. And after sitting down and writing tangible steps towards a goal of working full time from home within two years, getting a call about a work from home job the very next day, and a few weeks later officially accepting the offer, I'm opening the door to the life I was designing.
Scratch that. To the life I knew God was telling me my heart needed. This feels right on every level. So here I go...opening my door, stepping out, and entering the chapter that was written for me.