Sewing Hearts on Sleeves

Oaths

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 10:26:00 +0000

Sewing Hearts on Sleeves by Courtney Gonzales-Jayne is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Restless longing
Sighs and hoping
Dizzied memories of the future
Take me with you when you go.
I can't be left behind again...

(Can you see it, like I can?)
Sways of music
Quells of silence
All those touches worn so thin

Tethered belonging
Frantic and coping
Sharp clarity has past
I didn't hear you leave.
I'll be claimed again....

(and so will you)

Morning Person

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 22:39:00 +0000

Sewing Hearts on Sleeves by Courtney Gonzales-Jayne is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Pick wound-
Blur vision-
Wring hands-
Constrict breathing-
Plaster Smile-
Fake confidence-
Push forward-
Fall Back-

Set on "Repeat".

Rusty.

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 20:51:00 +0000

Sewing Hearts on Sleeves by Courtney Gonzales-Jayne is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

I don't write enough
but I think too much.
Correlation?
Perhaps....
Pick a pencil
open up that can of worms!
Saaaaaay SOMETHING.
(or write, rather.)
I think too much
but I don't write enough.
Cause and Effect?
Certainly.

3-5-10

The 5 Senses of Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 22:50:00 +0000

Sewing Hearts on Sleeves by Courtney Gonzales-Jayne is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Today, standing at the altar-

May you always see each other the way you do today

May you always have each other's hand to hold

May you always hear the love in the other's voice

And,

May you always find a home in the other's soul.

Today, standing at the altar-

Know nothing but joy.

(and "today" will never end)

(10-22-09)

Paper plates or the good china?

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 01:45:00 +0000

Circuitous denials
and pedantic epiphanies
can only be spread so thin,
much like the last bit a low-cal margarine from the tub…
Sure, it gets the job done, but does it really transform that burnt piece of toast?

Self righteous orations
and home-schooled rhetoric-
mere scrapings and crumbs
can never really nourish anybody
even a mound of cotton candy is really just air…
Of course it tastes good, but what exactly did you swallow?

Direct dialogue
and truthful admissions
are a bit like meat and potatoes,
Integrity is a leafy green…

Set the table and pour the wine.

(February 12)

REM

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 12:22:00 +0000

Lateness has caught up again, as it does
Quiet allows for too much thought
Even so-
the wind will blow, the blinds will twitch

When was the last time he saw her?
How does the chorus go
to that song
that sticks in her head…?
Where did I say I would be
by this time of year?
Evading the solitude of a crowded sleep
and keeping rhythm with the blinded windows

The clock in the foyer chimes
It's almost time to wake up again
Or wake up, at least.
We’re all still trying catch ourselves

(January 21st)

1000

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:19:00 +0000

Two figures are posed, smiling
They suspect one another
But a flashbulb goes
And they are captured forever
As “friends”

Two figures embrace, nervous
They need each other
Then a flashbulb goes
And they are captured together
As “lovers”

Two figures ……..Click.

(one more memory to take reality’s place)

Stare into the lens and lie.

(January 13th)

Fathoms

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:53:00 +0000

They were just learning to tread water
A pair of brothers, looking toward a father
Who let himself get lost in the tides, giving in…

So two little boys are left wading
In a sea of grief they can't know to feel
And yet no one can tell them
“How”

They will have to learn how to swim on their own
Develop a new way of breathing
Pull each other to shore
And all they want to hear is
“I love you”

So two little boys are left standing
In shoes they know not how to fill
And all that anyone can say is
“I’m sorry”

But sympathies do not fill shoes
Nor holes in hearts
They cannot salvage the lost
Or answer the questions they will have as Men
that He was supposed to answer

A pair of sons, left to keep treading, looking, remembering—wondering.

12-25-08 3:01 am

Merry Christmas, my darling one

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:52:00 +0000

Winter Snow… drifts and sways
Turning me into the child I so longed to be.

Winter Snow…sculpts and forms
Shaping imprints of your love for me.

Winter Snow…quiets and eases
Holding each other in awed hush
As ice dances silently

Winter Snow…reflects and refracts
Lighting what we can’t always see.

Two become the Forest and the Trees
If only for a moment…

Let it fall on us, let it fall, and thus,
It will always be-
Our Winter Snow.

12-18-08 at 5:23 am

Cursed, are the Children?

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:50:00 +0000

Selfish and indulgent are the young,
Complaining of life’s slings and arrows
That were disguised as love and boundaries

Hardened by the labors they saw
And resented.

Wearied by the privilege of innocence
Angered by the future of culpability
Drowning in the wealth of untapped resource

Youth isn’t wasted on the young
It’s carried.
A cross to bear.

“Oh, to be old and powerless,” sigh the children
For heavy is the head that begins life anew.

10-6-08 at 12:34pm

Haunting the Dancehall

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:49:00 +0000

In a symphony of things you cannot change
but will not forgive
Rage builds slowly, toward a crescendo in Hate.

(The Chorus Begins)

Anger croons about the smallest of injustices
waltzing with the skeletons in your closet
They sway, taunting, down a macabre lane of memories
fleshing out your demons, giving substance to their grip-
so begins their deceitful dance

Watch, as the dead whirl around the floor…

1 and,
2 and,
3 and,
4.

Mistrust is rhythmic, lulling you into a fury
and as you accept a spectral invitation to the ball,
you forget that the dead can dance Forever…

1 and,
2 and,
3 and,
4.

Listen, as the band keeps playing the same
old
familiar
song.

5:47pm 8-28-08

Novices

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:47:00 +0000

In from here to eternity, I wonder:

Can we let go and hold on simultaneously?
Can we grow up and not apart?
Is always indicative of forever?

Fidelity and finality
Restlessness and respite
Oaths and omissions
Scared and sacred
It’s more complicated than you thought.

Fractured pieces of stranger puzzles, you and I
Due to deepen and splinter on unseen edges
That will come
To pass
It’s more fragile than I thought.

And yet:

Nothing can tear asunder what we are joined together
From here to eternity.

7-22-08 4:19 am

Ruins

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:46:00 +0000

Old notes, old wounds…
Written on the wall for all to see
Bled fresh every time you re-collect it

Déjà vu in a stranger’s eyes
A temple of your psyche
Built up, to only burn down

I’ll remember what you forget.

New memories, new scars…
Etched into your heart where it won’t be seen
Welling up in purposeful deflection

Calm remorse in a lover’s eyes
An urn of your longing
Locked up, ready to spill out

You’ll always give what you hope to get.

4:14 am on 7-2-08

That song repeats.

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:41:00 +0000

Regina makes me cry
(every time)
Reminds me when you didn't say goodbye…
Just ducked your head and walked out the door

There was a baby in my belly
But I guess it was time really…
I didn't know how to tell you
And it all became passé as I bled out on the floor.

Times like these it's all the same
I can still hear your familiar refrain
Of "always" and no "matter what"

Regina makes me cry
(every time)
I remember not saying goodbye…
Just running after you out the door

If I'm a fool than so it is
We're all involved in this consuming mess
A game of triumphs and loss
The sweetest thing I've ever come across

She walked away and your heart swallowed up
Took your pride and spilled your cup
It was all you feared would come

Regina doesn't make her cry
(any time)
You still remember when she didn't say goodbye…
Just ducked her head and walked out the door.

(January 25th)

Baby, if Only Half as Much…

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:37:00 +0000

I swore I’d follow to the ends of the Earth
dug up my battered soul from the dirt
Just for you, all for you

You’re running towards the sky
And I’ll be left behind
But I don’t care, no I don’t care

Lechery and lies have caught up to you
The easy fix won’t fill it anymore
And I would have bled everything to save you
That’s for sure, now I’m sure

The grand things aren’t anything,
and the small things mean everything
There’s no safety in hiding from what you lack
It will all come back, to find you
Love is the tie that binds two
It’s all that you want to be

I wanted to be your pretty little “wife”
To give you a piece of the good life
You deserve love, even you deserve love

Insecurity and faithlessness will steal
All that you’ve paid into this
Happiness is a scary thing to hold
Dreams were sold, our dreams were sold

The grand things aren’t anything,
and the small things mean everything
There’s no safety in hiding from what you lack
It will all come back, to find you
Love is the tie that binds two
It’s all that you want to be…might never be

I saw past everything else, took my heart down off the shelf
I saw the hurts you couldn’t see
No one can live forever on charm and insincerity
Not even you, no not even you

I heard none of the alarms
Deaf to faults, but not cunning yarns
I hoped to spend life in your arms
Your breathing once matched mine, just mine

The grand things aren’t anything,
and the small things mean everything
There’s no safety in hiding from what you lack
It will all come back, to find you
Love is the tie that binds two
It’s all that you want to be…I hope you’ll be

I swore I’d follow to the ends of the Earth
dug up my wounded soul from the dirt
Just for you, only for you

But it’s no more. Of that, you’re sure.

(December 1st)

Sing-a-long.

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:13:00 +0000

Doubts, regrets, and shoulda-beens screamed at me in bed again
I haven’t slept since God knows when
‘Cause you’re not here no more.

I fucked up and fell right in
The tragedy of lust begins
It turned to love and no one was
More surprised than me.

Your addiction
Is your affliction
You can’t be happy
Unless it’s hard.

I might be lonely
At least I’m sober
I‘m the fool here
At least I tried.

Old promises and coulda-beens
siren-songed in my head again
I haven’t danced since God knows when
‘Cause October left me cold.

I knelt down and bled so thin
The pain of all that had to end
I looked for love and no one was
Standing up to see.

Your addiction
Is your affliction
You won’t be happy
That’s just too hard.

It must be lonely
I loved you only
So it’s over
I’m still lost here
Can’t lock the door.

(November 8th)

Tepid Reactionary

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:11:00 +0000

Alone with headphones
Crowded with indifference

How Cliché.

Bitter smile, sad posturing
Wistful
Benign

Getting Lost in mediocre rage

Stop being an asshole.

(January 25th)

A Two-act

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:07:00 +0000

There is a beautiful man in my bed again
I have no idea how he got there
He lies naked and still
He lies aware and moving
I am nothing but confused

Useless words taint meaningful acts
An act is what got me here in the first place
Now I am my own audience

There is a beautiful man in my...again
He knows exactly how he got there
I lie naked and still
I lie aware and moving
He is everything but used

(November 2nd)

Malingerer

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:05:00 +0000

I fell outside of you again
circling the straight path
to those easily given
Where does it begin to end to unravel to fail?

Ceremonies and profanities dwell in the same space

I've forgotten myself inside you again
beaten down the ran road
for they who've taken
Why does it stop to start to exhale to die?

Obscurity and sanctity chant in the same tongue

I will not remember us tomorrow.

(November 2nd)

Could you be?

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:03:00 +0000

I see you walk in.
I'm sitting in the corner.
You sit at a table directly in my line of vision.

I look at you and wonder:
Will you be the one to love me?

Will you love the humor in me?
The bile?
The shame?
the pride?
Will you love my scars?
the broken spots?
the things decayed?
the hope?
my violent temper?
my brilliance?
the anorexic in me?
the martyr in me?
the revolutionary?
the coward?
the mother?

Will you appreciate my sex?
my devotion?
my compassion?
my hatred?
my sadness?

Will you respect my autonomy?
my culture?
my history?
my secrets?
my barriers?
my pain?
my joy?

Will you need my presence?
my touch?
my voice?
my heart?
my strength?
my soul?

Will you fight for my affection?
my respect?
my life?
my honor?

Will you be the one to love me?

You look up.
A glance.
There is a smile.
A shift in weight.

You are not the one.

I go back to my book, and wait for yet another day.

(November 6th)

Treble and Bass

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 10:00:00 +0000

There is shit strewn everywhere
This is a goddamned disaster
we don't know where to start
it feels so good just to fuck you
The song plays loud
but won't drown it out

I'm stretched across my own divide
You tap dance along
it was easier just to fuck you
The song plays louder
still not drowning out

The definition of lust
This antithetical emotion
is the way you marginalize me
it hurt just to fuck you
The song plays screaming
can't be drowned out

There was shit thrown everywhere
That was an obscene disaster
I know how to end this
it is a waste just to fuck me
when there's more here
than you could ever hope to be

The song played out
I can finally hear
as. you. just. drown.

(November 20th)

no place of residence

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 09:57:00 +0000

I'm so gone

already said goodbye
cut the ties
bondage thick
doctrine-laden

but now I'm gone

Emptied-out reserve
markings serve reminding
mantras reverberate
sycophant released

still staying gone

exorcise the shame
wild in progress
retrospect the unchartered
take what can be

I ain't coming back
ain't coming back

(October 20th)

Illegal Yield

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 01:56:00 +0000

Signs point to slow

but there's grit on the windshield

I can't see

I can't fuckin' drive either.

So it's all relative, yeah?

Waits growls, then Cave lows...

I wake up in the backseat.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

(it's too quiet, but so damn loud.)

Why the fuck am I here?

Just go back to sleep.

It ain't my car.

Nothing is mine anymore.

(October 8th)

My head pounds in time

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 01:54:00 +0000

Palpitations

Quick, quick, slow.
Scent of a man
He’s not you.
He’s not you...

Pulses that won’t stop

Scent of a woman
She’s not me.
She’s not me...

Quick, quick, slow

I have felt how it moves.
When to give it all...

Does it feel as good
When no one knows
Your real name?

(October 5th)

"you didn’t miss me"

noreply@blogger.com (Jayne) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 01:52:00 +0000

close my eyes
it vibrates
spins, dancing, furling
my feet sink uneven
it goes
open my mouth
it hurts
heaves, aching , slinging
my hands leave steady
it is
I open my eyes
it stops
I close my mouth
it was
anything, everything, something

The blood rushes back to my heart

(October 4th)