How to Get It Right This Valentine’s Day

By: Lee Kolbert

This post is mainly for those men who are perplexed at the inner workings of the female brain. These are good men who aim to please, but understand that making a woman happy on any holiday, but especially Valentine’s Day, can feel like they are aiming for a moving target.

As a small gift to the male readers out there, I’m going to reveal a few girly tidbits that will make your celebrations go a bit smoother this year.

Should you buy clothing as a gift? Tread carefully here. I say avoid it all together:

• You are sure to get the size wrong. Too large means you think she looks larger than she is. You can’t recover from this. Too small will remind her of all the reasons why she hates her body. On the other hand, if you buy something way too small, it could send the message that in your eyes, she is much smaller (which we LOVE to imagine is really going on in your simple brains). This is a risky one and only advanced-level players should attempt this move.
• Something sexy? Why? Isn’t she sexy enough without the item you just bought?
• Workout clothes? Are you kidding me? Do you think she needs to work out? It DOES NOT MATTER that she has been telling you that she needs to work out and wants to buy some workout clothes. Your job is to ignore such nonsense and tell her she looks fine. Just do it.

Now that I’ve cleared everything up for you, you should be good to go. Good luck and let me know how it all works out for you.

Originally Published on The Huff Post Canada, February 13, 2012.

Sexual activity and STD rate up among seniors

Published February 2, 2012 on CNN.com

New research published Thursday by the British Medical Journal shows that 80% of 50 to 90 years olds are sexually active.  And with that, cases of sexually transmitted diseases have more than doubled in this age group over the past 10 years.

“You never have to retire from sex,” says clinical psychologist Judy Kuriansky. “But you should always behave as the 20-30 year-olds do. You need to be cautious about it.”

Numbers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention indicate that incidences of syphilis and chlamydia in adults aged 45 to 64 have nearly tripled over the past decade. Cases of Gonorrhea are up as well.

“In general, I would say that older people are really enjoying their sexuality,” says Ian Kerner, sex therapist, CNNHealth.com contributor and founder of GoodInBed.com. “People can be sexual throughout their lives, until the day they die.”

Researchers are quick to point out that there’s a huge lack of data on STDs in older populations. The authors of the BMJ editorial also note that older women are more vulnerable physiologically.  “Post-menopausal changes to the vagina, such as thinning of the mucosa, narrowing and shortening of the vagina, and decreased lubrication leave women more vulnerable to minor genital injuries and microabrasions that facilitate the entry of pathogens,” they write.

With age, as parents teach their kids, comes responsibility. So why are parents exposing themselves to these avoidable risks?

“They just don’t think it can happen to them” says Kuriansky. “STIs (sexually transmitted infections) really started making news in the ’80s and ’90s. The fears and the warnings didn’t hit their generation.” They also didn’t expect to be sexual. “It’s the Jane Fondas of the world and men in their 80s like John Glenn, who divorced his wife and married a younger woman,” she says.*

Kerner is quick to point out that the 50+ age group is one of the fastest-growing demographics for online dating. “They wouldn’t even necessarily classify themselves as older,” he says. “It’s often the second time around for them. They’ve been married, have adult children, and they don’t have the same concerns or the same stressors that other people might face.”

Interestingly, one study found that men aged 40+ who were taking drugs for erectile dysfunction were significantly more likely to be diagnosed with an STD in their first year of usage. However, that same study also found that those same men were significantly more likely to be diagnosed in the year prior to starting the medication. That suggests the drug doesn’t so much alter the risk-taking behavior, but rather facilitates it.*

Older men can be wary of condom use because it can contribute to erectile dysfunction. Women assume since they’re above child-bearing years that condoms are unnecessary.

“Just as we spend a lot of time advising kids to practice safer sex, we need to do the same things for ourselves and our parents,” says Kerner.

And perhaps even our grandparents.

Experts purport more awareness from the media would go a long way. Kuriansky also suggests more questioning and counseling by physicians. “If you’re really going to do something about it,” she says, “you have to be tested for herpes and other viruses. Now, you have to request that. They’re not in routine blood tests. [They] should make it routine.”

College asked to investigate Catholic principal who banned gay-straight alliance

By Kristin Rushowy, Education Reporter

Posted on Sunday, January 29, 2012

Ontario’s College of Teachers has been asked to investigate a Catholic principal for professional misconduct after students were banned from starting a gay-straight alliance at their Mississauga high school.

In a formal complaint, teacher Thomas McCue asks that the college look at the alleged “actions or inactions” of Frances Jacques, principal of St. Joseph Catholic high school last year, that could have “put certain groups at increased risk, which is contrary to the code of conduct of members.”

McCue is referring to a group of students led by Leanne Iskander, who asked to form a gay-straight alliance but were turned down. They said the principal instead offered talks with the school’s chaplain or that they join other groups already running at the school.

Even though gay-straight alliances are common in public schools, Catholic boards have not allowed them, given the Vatican’s stance against homosexuality.

Although McCue has named Jacques in the complaint — because she was the front-line official involved — the complaint could have much wider implications for the Catholic system’s approach to such clubs.

As McCue followed media reports on the St. Joseph’s incident, “it all seemed unreal to me,” he said in a telephone interview from the Montreal area, where he now lives with his same-sex partner.

“When I shared it with the staff (at his current school), they thought Ontario was living in the 1960s.”

(The St. Joseph’s teens eventually started a club called “Open Arms,” after Ontario’s Catholic bishops and school trustees bowed to public pressure and allowed groups to address bullying based on sexual orientation.)

Jacques retired at the end of the 2010-11 school year as planned but is still a member of the teachers’ college.

McCue’s complaint also asks the college to examine if Jacques failed to maintain the standards of the profession, because without a gay-straight alliance support group “to address issues of bullying, some students may feel that their emotional well-being was being compromised.”

“In any case, given the recent suicide at an Ottawa Carleton District (board) school as well as a spate of other horrible incidents around North America, it is time that this issue be taken seriously,” he wrote in his complaint.

“There is a book and video entitled It gets Better. The understanding is that once a (gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender) student makes it to adulthood, life gets better. This is all fine and good, but it needs to get better now, not in four years.”

The complaint, sent to the college last November, includes several studies showing the importance of safe, supportive social environments for gay and lesbian teens.

“The studies clearly indicate that a ‘diversity club’ is insufficient to properly address the unique issues facing gay and lesbian youth,” McCue wrote.

The college has 120 days to investigate and determine whether to proceed to a disciplinary hearing.

“Our legislation prohibits us from talking about a matter until it reaches the stage of a formal hearing,” said Brian Jamieson of the Ontario College of Teachers. “I cannot confirm or deny whether a complaint has been registered, and we are not allowed to discuss matters under investigation.”

Bruce Campbell, of the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board, said no one at the board was aware of the case and that, regardless, he could not respond “due to the personnel-related nature of such a complaint.”

He contacted Jacques twice on the Star’s behalf; she said she had not been contacted by the college. “She has not been advised of this and did not wish to comment on it,” Campbell also said.

McCue taught in Ottawa public schools before moving to Montreal in 2007. He grew up in Barrie.

“I kind of felt sick to my stomach” after reading that St. Joseph students had been denied, especially after they were brave enough to ask for — and then publicly fight for — a gay-straight alliance at such a young age, he said.

“It’s clear in Ontario College of Teacher regulations that you can’t put students at increased risk,” said McCue, 41.

The question is if this is “conduct unbecoming a member,” he added. “Would most members consider this not to be proper?”

Noa Mendelsohn Aviv, director of the equality program at the Canadian Civil Liberties Association, said her organization has not taken a position on the case because it is not familiar with the college’s disciplinary process.

However, she said she will follow its progress.

“It is one of the many ways people are expressing their concern with the fact that students were not provided with the supports they need,” she said.

“It’s a very interesting take (on the issue).”

The incident at St. Joseph’s highlighted the difficulty facing Catholic schools as the province looked at ways to fight homophobia, something students — in both Catholic and public schools — have said they want.

Since then, the Ontario government has directed schools to allow anti-homophobia clubs if students demand them, although the word “gay” does not have to be in their title.

Just last week, Catholic educators suggested calling such groups “Respecting Difference,” but said the groups could not be activist, protest or discuss sexual attraction or gender identity.

amandaann: you have GOT to be kidding me…. a CATHOLIC school teacher cannot say on record that they console of a gay-straight alliance. they have to speak on the behalf of the school board. clearly this article is BEYOND bias. i went to St. Joes and i have NEVER met a nicer, kinder woman in my life. Francis let us students have the club, she let us feel loved and appreciated. reading this article makes me SICK and disgusted that you would make her look like a monster when she is nothing but an open soul.

BadWolf07: You’re going after the wrong person

I’m a student at St Joes, I was involved in trying to start a gay-straight alliance, and although that I agree she may have done some things that put some students at additional risk, but I don’t think it was because she was hateful and intolerant in any way. The banning of gay-straight alliances in Catholic schools is a board-wide, if not province-wide issue. Ms Jacques is a really nice person and the greatest principal we ever had. She felt bad for what she had to do about our GSA (she cried at a meeting once, she was so upset). She was always there to help, and I really don’t think she should be pulled out or retirement and punished for something she did out of ignorance or because the board instructed her to.

How Governors Are Leading the Way on Same-Sex Marriage

By: Thomas A. Roberts, MSNBC Anchor

Posted on The Huffington Post, January 31, 2012

Is supporting marriage equality contagious? The governors of Maryland and Washington, D.C. believe it is, as they support same-sex marriage legislation. More on that in a moment. We focus a lot on social justice issues during my 11 a.m. hour on MSNBC, particularly marriage equality. I take great pride in shining a light on this issue, and why not? We’re at a pivotal moment in our country when it comes to LGBT issues.

For instance, last year, for the first time ever, a national poll showed that 53 percent of America feels same-sex marriage should be recognized as law. That same poll reveals that Republicans and older Americans remain at odds with marriage equality.

However, most people, young people, feel that full marriage equality is just a matter of time. Specifically, you can thank college kids for that one. A new poll by UCLA’s Higher Education Research Institute (HERI) finds that 71.3 percent of college freshmen support same-sex marriage equality. So if 7 out of 10 college kids feel that way now, then it is logical to think that marriage equality is inevitable.

Is it bold for governors to support same-sex marriage now? It’s certainly not unheard of, but nationally, it is bold. Consider this: only six states and Washington, D.C. recognize marriage equality. Safety in political numbers, right? Or is it the needed proof to demonstrate that marriage equality is not a threat to what is now dubbed “traditional marriage”?

Now more than ever, governors are tackling the basic “fairness” of this issue and are evolving, personally, to understand marriage equality as a civil rights issue. Civil rights.

Politicians are realizing they want to be remembered for standing on the right side of history. Just look at this recent trend and what certain elected officials are willing to do now.

Gov. Chris Gregoire of Washington State wasn’t always in favor of marriage equality. Gregoire was admittedly conflicted because of her Catholic faith, but she admits to a “personal journey” that convinced her to support it. She is also not running for a third term.

Gov. Martin O’Malley, also a Catholic, is putting his political neck on the line and, on a personal level, his religion, too. Catholic church leaders in Baltimore have urged O’Malley against supporting such a bill. I know personally and professionally about the strong Catholic church lobby in the Maryland State Legislature. Strong. O’Malley seems genuine, willing, and more than likely to get marriage equality passed on his watch. Will it cost him, or is this a calculated risk that will help make him a presidential contender in 2016?

Whatever the political calculations, the outcome is the same: the fight for marriage equality is on the move, on the march, and getting results. And as President Obama declared in his State of the Union address, “We’ve come too far to turn back now.”

That gets us to the big interviews of Jan. 27. For months we have been aggressively trying to book Gov. Martin O’Malley to talk about marriage equality in Maryland. The week before last, we finally got him! It just so happens that O’Malley became available the same day we had already booked Gov. Gregoire. She was recently a guest on the show to talk about her bill for marriage equality. We invited her back on Jan. 27 because she has the votes needed to get it passed. Enjoy!

** Click here to view the original article, accompanied by video

I don’t mean to throw the ball back at you, but what you wrote triggered a thought.

It’s that I find particularly interesting the view that, in the event of one partner being caught cheating in a monogamous relationship, that the result should automatically be a split.

There is such an importance put on monogamy that we are willing to throw away everything if it is not respected. There are without a doubt times when this is the right course of action. However it happens so often that you have to wonder why people don’t just start off with the assumption that it might occur, or at least that the thought or desire of getting involved with others during the course of a very long term relationship will eventually be felt, if not acted on.

The point is, why not be proactive about it and have an intelligent discussion considering ways to deal with it, either when it will happen, or before it happens. A non-monogamous or open relationship is kind of an umbrella term that encompasses really everything other than monogamy. It’s too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if you’re not monogamous, then you’re up for grabs and you’re just careless and promiscuous. There are a lot of variations possible between the two extremes.

I like to think of it as being a relationship designer. We spend so much time personalizing our clothes and our hair and our homes and everything that surrounds us. Maybe we should consider that we can also design our relationship. Forgeting the monogamy vs non-monogamy terms, which may be too polarized for many people, I think it’s accessible to everyone to just ask themselves, if I could design the perfect, bullet-proof relationship for me, what would that be?

The interest I have in Dan publishing the letters he’s received, is to demonstrate the breath of arrangements that are possible, and to realize we can apply our imagination and our creativity to the problem of how to make our relationships more successful.

You can have your blog back now.

“We tend to assume an open relationship is about sex, and maybe affection, or love even. Not about laundry, cooking, and bills. However, countless marriages have come to an end because of differences over laundry, cooking and bills, so they are certainly part of the crucial elements in a relationship.”

Source: Fruits of Libido Blog, written by FruitTaster

Meet the Monogamish

January 4, 2012

By Dan Savage

Why do most people assume that all nonmonogamous relationships are destined to fail? Because we only hear about the ones that do. If a three-way or an affair was a factor in a divorce or breakup, we hear all about it. But we rarely hear from happy couples who aren’t monogamous, because they don’t want to be perceived as dangerous sex maniacs who are destined to divorce.

This state of affairs—couples who experimented with nonmonogamy and wound up divorced won’t shut up; couples who experimented with nonmonogamy and are still together won’t speak up—allows smug and insecure monogamists to run around insisting that there’s no such thing as happy, stable monogamish couples.

“You know lots of couples who have had three-ways and flings who aren’t divorced,” I told the skeptics a few weeks ago, “you just don’t know you know them.” In an effort to introduce the skeptics to some happily monogamish couples, I invited coupled people who’d had successful flings, affairs, three-ways, and swinging experiences to write in and share their stories. The response was overwhelming—I may do a book—and I’m turning over the rest of this week’s column to their stories.

My husband and I have issues like any couple, but I still smile when I see him walk into a room, and he still takes my hand when we’re walking down the street. For the past seven years, we have been “monogamish.” It started off with a discussion of “If you ever cheat on me and it’s a one-time thing, I wouldn’t want to know.” Then, when he turned 40, we had a threesome with a female friend. When I actually saw him “in the moment,” I didn’t have the jealous feelings I had always feared. There is no question that our relationship is our first priority, but just the possibility of a little strange now and then makes him feel like a stud. (And I reap the benefits!) I don’t much care for sex without emotion and affection, so my flings have been rather limited. We haven’t told our families or more than a couple of friends. I don’t want to deal with the judgment of others.

For the first five years of my marriage, everything was great: lots of sex, both GGG, lots of love. Then my wife’s libido failed. Whatever the problem was, she couldn’t articulate it. After a year where we’d had sex twice, I reached out to someone else. I used Craigslist and I was honest: I explained that I had no intention of leaving my wife and that I was looking for someone in a situation similar to mine. It took months to find the right person. We struck up a years-long affair. At the same time, I had a wonderful-yet-sexless marriage. Then, after nearly four years, a strange thing happened: My wife’s libido came back strong. To this day, she cannot explain why it left or why it came back. With the reason for my affair gone, I ended things with my fuck buddy. And you know what? Years of honest talk made this easy. She understood; we went our separate ways.

So I had a four-year affair without getting caught. Here’s how I pulled it off: I never told anyone about it ever, I chose a partner who wanted exactly what I wanted, we didn’t film ourselves (as hot as that sounded), we used condoms, I kept my computer clear of any evidence, and we never called or texted each other.

My husband and I are monogamish but also LMGs—legally married gays. We feel tremendous pressure to be perfect. The thing is, we are perfect. We love each other, we support each other, and we have amazing sex with each other—and the occasional cameo performer, who is always treated with respect. (We have a rule about not inviting someone into our bedroom who we wouldn’t be friends with outside the bedroom.) That said, the fact that Ron and Nancy down the street are swingers will raise eyebrows, but it won’t impact the perceived legitimacy of mixed-gender marriage. But if Ed and Ted happen to invite a third into their bedroom, that would prove the gays are destroying marriage/the country/the fabric of the universe. Even other gays get judgmental. So, at least for now, our monogamishness is on a strictly need-to-know basis. And who needs to know? Just our sex-positive doctor and the occasional hot third who gets a golden ticket into our bedroom.

I agree with you that we rarely hear about successful marriages that are open. How do I know? I just discovered that my parents are swingers—and they have been married for 26 years!

My husband, almost exactly 10 years older than me, confessed a cuckold fetish to me shortly before our fifth anniversary. I said no, but a seed was planted: Whenever I would develop a crush on another man, it would occur to me that I could sleep with him if I wanted to. Five years later, my boyfriend of two years, who happens to be exactly 10 years younger than me, was one of the guests at our 10-year anniversary party. My boyfriend is a good-looking grad student who adores me and values my husband’s advice about his education and career plans. He treats my husband with the perfect blend of affection and contempt. (“Gratitude and attitude,” my boyfriend calls it.) I enjoy my boyfriend, but I love my husband more than ever. My husband is not allowed to have sex with other women (he doesn’t want to, anyway), and he’s not allowed to have sex with me without my boyfriend’s permission (which he usually—though not always—gets). Our families would be appalled. We simply don’t live in a part of the country, or move in social circles, where we could be honest about any of this with anyone.

From the outside, my husband and I look like a boring vanilla married couple. In fact, people have included me in judgmental conversations about open relationships. But the truth is, for nearly as long as we’ve been together (three-plus years), we’ve had a semiopen relationship. My husband is bi. When he told me after a few months of dating, years of Savage Love reading helped me to keep an open mind. Long story short: We worked out rules that were mutually agreeable. Now he can hook up safely with guys and come home to a loving wife with whom he can be completely honest.

I’m a happily married woman… and so is my girlfriend. Maybe it’s cowardly of us, but no matter how simple our relationship seems to us, the people we care about would not understand. Yes, we do this with our husbands’ blessing. (We even double-date from time to time!) No, there’s nothing lacking in our marriages. Our parents, relatives, children, friends, and coworkers know we’re close. But I don’t see the need to tell anyone the entire truth. I was on the fence about sending this e-mail—that’s how little fuss we make about it. Then I thought, if I do send it, and if enough people send their stories, maybe one day we can go public and it won’t be a big fucking deal. That’d be awesome.

Surrogacy runs in the family

By Valerie Hauch, Staff Reporter