Sex & The Single Plus Size Girl

I can be soft, I can be hard...

2012-01-02T21:27:00.003-05:00

Last Tuesday, McHottie and I took sex to a whole new level.

It was so intense. It was as if we were both feeling what the other was feeling. We moved and licked and bit and spanked at the exact moment when it was needed and desired.

This song played as I gave him, what I consider to be, the best blow job I've ever given in my 32 year on this planet.

He agreed... both times.

Turn off the lights. Climb into bed. Relax your mind. Listen to this beat.... try and tell me that it doesn't make you want to play with yourself!

2011-12-30T22:07:00.008-05:00

Rabbit: What is Real? Does it hurt?

Horse: Sometimes, but when you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.

Rabbit: Does it happen all at once or bit by bit?

Horse: It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.

Get into it, Gentle Readers!!!

2011-12-20T21:44:00.002-05:00

My heart breaks listening to this. So much beauty. So much potential. Such a gift.

Rest in peace, Amy.

I'm a soldier to my own emptiness...

2011-12-02T20:22:00.006-05:00

This year has been extremely good to me. It has definitely had its ups and downs, but for the most part its been a year full of lessons.

The last three weeks however, have decided to test my strength, my patience and my tenacity.

I've spent one to many nights in the past 13 days crying and trying to mend my heart from people who seem to have cut their losses as easily as a warm knife cuts through butter.

I've had to come to terms with what seem to be the end of one of the most cherished friendships in my 32 years of life.

With only a few weeks left of 2011 I vow to take 2012 by storm! The universe is testing me and I will rise to the challenge.

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise. To fly. To fly. I wish today it will rain all day. Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away. Trying to forgive you for abandoning me. Praying but I think I'm still an angel away. Angel away, yeah strange in a way. Maybe that is why I chase strangers away. They got their guns out aiming at me. But I become Neo when they aiming at me. Me, me, me against them. Me against enemies, me against friends. Somehow they both seem to become one. A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood. They start coming and I start rising. Must be surprising, I'm just ah-mozing. Win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher. More fire. Everybody wanna try to box me in. Suffocating everytime it locks me in. Paint they own pictures than they crop me in. But I will remain where the top begins. Cause I am not a word, I am not a line. I am not a girl that can every be defined. I am not fly, I am levitation. I represent an entire generation. I hear the criticism loud and clear. That is how I know that the time is near. So we become alive in a time of fear. And I ain't got no motherfucking time to spare. Cry my eyes out for days upon days. Such a heavy burden placed upon me. But when you go hard your nay's become yay's. Yankee Stadium with Jay's and Kanye's. Get ready for it. Get ready for it. Get ready for it. I came to win. Get ready for it. Get ready for it. I came to win!

2011-12-02T12:09:00.003-05:00

"Its not that I don't want to see things exactly as they happened. Its just that I prefer to remember them in an artistic way."

~Lady Gaga

2011-11-24T11:01:00.005-05:00

"I've decided to forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being awfully stupid and forget that you ever existed"

~B. Scott

Get into it, Gentle Readers!!!

2011-11-21T11:02:00.001-05:00

How many nights I've laid in bed excited over you...

2011-11-20T11:58:00.010-05:00

SO thats something I'm never doing again.

For a whole month I have been talking to a man whom I thought to be sincere and honest. A man who I was extremely sexually attracted to based on this whole new generation ephemeral cyber world romancing society we live in. You know that type of interaction where you get to project and romanticize qualities and tend to over look flaws just because you've never seen the person face to face.

I got to the place where I was meeting The Comedian and I was a bit nervous, but not as much as I thought I would be. He however, kept insisting that I was putting off SO much nervous energy. Even if I was, I don't understand how bringing it up every 5 minutes was supposed to calm me down.

Strangely, I committed a cardinal sin.. I talked negatively about someone I don't hold in high esteem. That's something I always try to steer clear from. He said that whatever I said about that person was telling of me as a person. And now that I think about it... it IS a reflection on me as a person. A person who doesn't like men who are so insecure they have to be bullies or bash women, or any one else for that matter. But this is completely besides the point of this story.

About an hour into this date he decided to ask me what the time was for, I told him the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. Why? Cause thats the type of person that I am!

Oh my Gaga!

He pretended to be so put off by the fact that I had him "on hold" while I figured things out with the Agent. He claimed to be to sensitive to that type of situation because he's been cheated on and so on an so forth. When I told him that I thought he was grasping at straws because he'd now met me and he was disappointed, he brought out the big performance guns. He leaned in and gave me the intimidating face. I went along with it and apologized for hurting his alleged sensitive feelings. He said it was a shame this evening wasn't going the way he'd planned it in his head. I asked what that plan was and he said it was "having a nice drink here and then ending it back at my place".

I felt like I was watching the whole thing happen to someone else.

We asked for the check. He said he had to go to the bathroom and I half expected him to not come back. I mean, that would've been the cherry on fucking top wouldn't it?

After he was done with his performance he insisted on walking me to my car, which was so fucking awkward and unnecessary, not to mention hypocritical!

It not only hurt because I, as I think most women do, am willing to over look physical appearance to a certain degree. Of course I have to be attracted to the person, but sometimes features or demeanors are different in person. Its a whole other ball game when you are in front of the person and see the expression in their eyes or their gestures as opposed to how you've imagined them. Sometimes even that can be a let down. But I'm willing to believe that is to be expected when meeting someone for the first time after such a build up. I take into consideration the things I know about that person and what has been shown to me of their character. Thats a huge part of what attracts me to someone.

So yes, it stings that he wasn't willing to look past the physical and into the potential of a girl like me. But that doesn't hurt remotely as much as him going through the trouble of coming up with this whole elaborate judgmental tirade to get out of the date.

At the beginning of our "interaction" I told him I needed time before I could meet him. On several occasions I asked if he wanted to know what the time was for and he said he didn't want to know. He said that if it was important to me, then it didn't matter to him.

Alright... This is the part where we call a spade a spade... so, shall we?

I am fully aware that I am not everyone's cup of tea. I am not a skinny girl, if I were, then the name of my blog would be something different. Makes sense doesn't it? I am also aware that I am not an ugly girl and if the past 3 years have taught me something its that for every one guy who rejects me based on my weight, there are two others who will hit on me in spite of it. Rejection will always burn no matter who you are, but I can move on from rejection. Its part of life.

What cuts like a rusty tetanus infected knife through my heart is the fact that after all the conversations we had, he thinks so little of me that he was capable of trying to insult my intelligence!

I waited till I got home and peed before I dialed his number. I was actually surprised he answered. I told him about the fact that every time he clicked on this here blog... I was well aware of it.

Every time I asked him not to read and he told me he would never do that at the risk of stifling my creativity... I knew the date and time, down to how many seconds he spent reading it.

Every time he searched for his nickname label or that of Agent Smith... I was notified!

YUP! I was in on ALL of his visits to my blog and so I told him that I knew that this whole time he'd been aware of my situation with the Agent and that using it as an excuse to reject me was so shitty.

He said... "Okay"

If I wasn't going to have a nice end to my night, neither was he!

I do have to apologize to myself for being too nice a person and not calling him out on his BULL SHIT face to face, so I could watch him squirm as he figured how to get out of the situation. Boy, that would've thrown a wrench in his golden globe performance. A couple of years ago I would've done it and reveled his embarrassment.

Guess this is what comes with being a better person.

He sent me a text about 20 minutes after my phone call. By this time I'd already deleted his number, messages and pictures from my phone. He apologized for being childish and a coward. I appreciated his apology and the funny thing is... had he been honest with me, I would've loved to be remain friends with him! I would've still had the nice guy image of him in my heart and I would've respected him. Instead I feel his actions were that of an "Ed Hardy wearing douche"... maybe even worse cause at least with those guys you know what's in store.

Regardless of how sad I feel about not having someone to be in constant cutesy contact with, I feel like this has further cemented the fact that there is a lesson behind every single interaction you come across.

I for one, don't regret anything that happened. Including ending things with Agent Smith. It was the right thing to do... that whole situation was wrong from the beginning.

Wait... WAIT!

I do regret ONE thing: passing over an evening or three with McHottie for this guy.

*Sigh*

There's good sex and then there's that sex! I'll wash his feet with my hair if he needs type of sex!

Its OK though, in true McHottie fashion he called me this morning and I'll be seeing him tomorrow before our respective Thanksgiving vacations.

Alls well that ends well I suppose.

Get into it, Gentle Readers!!!

2011-11-17T13:09:00.004-05:00

Just heard this in the car five minutes ago. You have to get into this!!!

I melt every time I hear Pitbull's voice. I cannot explain the animal magnetism he has going on.

Lets be honest. We're all friends here right? He's like 5 feet tall but if a man with that much swagger were to ever approach me I would most likely turn into this:

I wouldnt know how to handle him!!!

**SIGH**

I can't!

I think it also has to do with the Pride and Love he has for Miami. I am all about hometown pride. I think we should have that absolute love that New Yorkers have for their town. This place is paradise! The beaches, the people, the weather! I love my home!

"En L.A. tengo la Mexicana, en NY tengo la Boricua, besito para todas las mujeres en Venezuela y en Miami... tengo a cualquiera!"

This is me... then.

2011-11-16T11:36:00.006-05:00

A couple of weeks ago the charger for my MacBook quit on me and I was forced to use my PC while I waited for amazon to deliver.

I started going through all the documents in it and found two posts from my old blog. I wrote them back in 2009. I'd just broken things off with The Tattooed Twerp and things with McHottie were at the beginning stages of its sexual glory.

I think I should print this one out and read it every time the negative voices in my head try to bring me down .

Here is the first one:

An ode to my body...

This morning I woke up to CNN reporting about the first facial transplant in the US. The woman’s name is Connie Culp… in the press conference she said “I’m not a monster”. It took me a minute to take that in.

After everything she has been through she's just grateful to have a nose again, to be able to drink coffee from a cup.

Drink coffee from a cup… how often have we taken that for granted?

After her conference was over I changed the channel and walked over to the sink to brush my teeth, I looked in the mirror at all the flaws and imperfections I notice and point out to myself every day, and suddenly they were gone. Left behind was a body and a face full of life…full of beauty.

A body covered with the scars of a life's worth of overindulgence, but a body humble enough to keep on beating, to keep on breathing.

It’s the body that lets me swim, run, kick, tackle, stretch, MOVE!!! It’s a body that gives pleasure and is overwhelmed with pleasure when caressed correctly.

These stitched up knees, chin and forehead reflect the battle scars of a happy and overactive childhood. The legs I sometimes say are too short, are the legs that let me get to where I want or need to be. They respond with harder kicks every time I freak out in the swimming pool because I think I’m going to be devoured by a sea monster in 15 feet of chlorinated water.

These are the arms that get to hug my brother when he comes home from war (and punch him when he's stayed for too long and starts to annoy me). These are the arms that got to hold my nephew Peter before anyone else while he was still warm from his mommy’s womb! These arms... stretch marks, batwings and all.

There is no way to express how grateful I felt for this body this morning, grateful for putting up with years of mal nutrition and mindless abuse and still having the capability of responding so effectively to change.

Sure, most parts are still very flabby and fat… but everyday it gets stronger and stronger and shows me its gratitude by letting me achieve new physical goals.

Mine is a body full of perfection!

2011-11-10T23:33:00.005-05:00

"...this isn't about connection for you. This isn't even about sex for you. This is about finding an hour or two of relief from the pain of being you. And that's fine with me, see, because all I want is the exact same thing."

Get into it, Gentle Readers!!!

2011-11-10T20:25:00.007-05:00

There aren't enough words for me to describe how much I love this song right now!

The video is a bit: meh! But I cannot stop listening to this and We Found Love.

On another note, you guys should know I am SUPER excited. Agent Smith gets back exactly ONE WEEK FROM LAST NIGHT! Which means that one week from tonight I will be having a not so exciting conversation with him. That part I am actually dreading.

We spoke yesterday afternoon and I told him I needed to discuss our "status" with him. He said: "Hey! Listen brown eyes, we'll talk about all this when I get home. Deal?"

Yes, he actually calls me Brown Eyes... which I guess could be kind of endearing, but it makes me feel like he has a Green Eyes and a Blue Eyes hiding somewhere. I never really liked that nickname. Its so 1962!

Also, saying that we'll talk when he gets home made me feel like an 8 year old kid talking to The General.

I don't think that's a good feeling to invoke in the person you want to be your lover.

BUT, anywaaaaaay, that just means I am a couple of days closer to seeing The Comedian and THAT is super exciting.

Take a second...

2011-11-09T15:14:00.004-05:00

... look at THIS hottie! We all saw him grow up before our own eyes, then one day he seemed to have disappeared from the film industry. Take a guess as to who it is.

Too focused on his abs to place his face? Look again...

Still nothing? What about this smile? NO?

WELL... turns out this is the kid from the Stuart Little movies, Jonathan Lipnicki! The adorable kid from Jerry Maguire!!!

Oh Jonathan! You had me at those abs...

Take a second...

2011-11-08T13:13:00.001-05:00

...and listen to Don!

Get into it, Gentle Readers!!!

2011-11-08T07:55:00.003-05:00

To my Gentle Reader "Anonymous":

Thank you for your concern about my love life and emotional well being. I will definitely take your words into consideration.

For now all I can say is that the day I am in the physical presence of the man I want to hold at night... I will know. A switch will flip. At least thats how I believe it will be for me.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but McHottie is not that man. As beautiful and completely loveable as he is. He is not the man I've been waiting for. And what's more to the point, I am not the woman he's been waiting for! If I were, he would've made a move to try and convince me of that. He hasn't and its OK. He and I are perfectly fine with our situation and you should be too.

Listen, I'll go ahead and take Justin Beiber's example and never say never... There might be some other worldly miracle that results in is falling in love with each other. But I highly doubt it.

In the meantime, please get into this (it was on a loop as I did my gym time this morning):

"Sorry to warn you, you're in a daze. Tonight I'll love you, but tomorrow go away"

I need someone to put this weight on...

2011-11-07T13:43:00.006-05:00

(The following events took place in early October 2011)

I saw McHottie tonight. I don’t know what was wrong with me but I cried the whole drive to his house. I simply couldn’t stop the tears from coming.

I thought about turning back a few times, but something didn’t allow it.

When he opened the door there was something different. I haven’t seen him in almost two months now, but we’ve let bigger periods of time go by in the past and we’ve picked up right where we’ve left off.

Tonight, something was off.

We made our way up the stairs and he reached a step in front of him and grabbed at my goods. I always like when he does that. We entered the room, I set down my purse and he told me how good I looked as he stood by his side and I slowly made my way around the bed to the other side.

I gave him a sincere thank you and stated to crawl to meet him halfway. He was there in an instant. We started kissing… he suddenly grabbed the sides of my face and paused. I looked at him and he literally breathed into me. He pulled me in tightly and we kissed even more passionately!

Things progressed as they usually do. He made his way between my legs and within minutes I was convulsing with pleasure. It was so intense I found myself pushing him away, when he wanted to keep pleasing me.

Now it was his turn. I missed his cock! He got comfortable on his back and I did what I do best. I gave him a blowjob that had been two months in the making. He was enjoying it but I felt like something was askew.

He said he wanted to fuck me and so he did. For a looooooooong time. So long and intense that he made me cry! Literally cry. Tears running down my face, cry! I don’t remember that EVER happening to me. When I’d had more than I could take, I had to stop him. It was way too much. I didn’t even think there was such a thing as a limit to fucking, but there is and my limit turns out to be about 35 minutes of nonstop pounding.

I told him to relax and get comfortable. He got as comfortable as can be and I went back to sucking him off. I sucked and licked and stroked and deep throated and sucked some more, and when that didn’t work I gave into his request and rode his cock; I came again and then… nothing.

He was hard as a rock but he just couldn’t cum. I felt so awful. I could see him struggling. His focus just wasn’t there. I half expected him to lose his hard on at some point. I feel selfish admitting that I almost hoped he would. What? I’m sorry! We were both drenched in sweat, my vagina was already starting to get sore and I didn’t know how much longer I could suck.

I tried everything… WE tried everything. I let him maneuver my body to his liking I did everything he asked me to do and I added every trick I know he enjoys, EVERYTHING, for what seemed like hours.

Then, finally he came!

My hair was as wet as if I’d just jumped in a pool. I fell back onto the bed next to him. The covers, sheet and pillows were soaked in sweat. I have never seen anything like it in real life.

I laid there completely still just trying to catch my breath.

I felt his hand reach over and grab the back of my head. He pulled me into him. I rested my ear on his chest. I could hear his heart pumping away.

“What was going on there?”

He laughed and started to apologize.

We laid there in silence for a few minutes. His heart beat started to settle.

As usual I was the one to break his hold. I got out of bed and went to check myself in the mirror. I looked like a hot ass mess!

I heard his rushed steps go down and then within a few seconds back up the stairs. He was getting me water.

When I came out of the bathroom he was laying on his stomach towards the foot of the bed…. Our favorite TV watching position, one of the few things we have in common. He handed me my bottle of water when I was comfortably nestled at his side. I think it’s so cute that he opens them before he hands them to me. Little acts of chivalry.

He took in a deep breath.

I looked over expectantly… something was coming. I wanted to brace for it but it wasn’t physically possible for me. I was exhausted. I raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

Then he laid one of the most emotionally heavy things any other human being has ever laid on me. He started talking about something he and his family are going through, which explained why he hadn’t contacted me in those two months.

No wonder he couldn’t cum, poor thing!

I could feel the anger, sadness and especially the betrayal rolling off his entire being with each word he let out. I held back tears. So did he.

When he was done we were both quiet.

After a minute I moved in closer to him and kissed his bicep, he grabbed the back of my head with his other hand and held me there. I felt the tears start down my face. There was no turning back.

“I’m so sorry this is happening to you”, I whispered.

He stayed quiet and “massaged” the chunk of hair he was holding on to.

We didn’t have any more sex for the night. Instead I let him talk about whatever he felt he needed to talk about. I did one of the things I know how to do effectively… I listened.

Three hours after I’d arrived he walked me to my car. He hugged me and said: “Thank you for coming, baby!”

I realized three very important things that night…

1) There is no agreement with the exception of me falling in love or being in a committed/monogamous/ “let’s change our status on Facebook” relationship, which can keep me from McHottie. He was there before any of these men and until I find the right man for me he will most likely be there during and after them.

2) As much as I have tried to keep things at just a physical level, there is an intimacy and familiarity that we share that isn’t there with any other man I could have a no strings attached relationship with. Not only because we’ve been doing this longer than most people are in actual relationships, but because things have progressed in a slow and natural way. Without knowing it, he has helped me become the person I am today.

3) I underestimated the place I have in his life. Trust me… I’m not reading too much into this. But before tonight I thought I was nothing more than a human blow up doll to him, especially after how we left things the last time. Turns out, he needs someone to confide in too.

Chino thinks that if he knew what I think about him and the high esteem I have of him, it would surprise him. I guess it might… but that night I was the one who was surprised.

He called me last week… I didn’t go to him. I have to admit I was a bit overwhelmed with everything I felt that night. Now, I find that I’m totally and completely sexually invested in The Comedian at the moment. I feel strange having sex with one guy while I’m feeling this much lust for another one. I haven’t been able to compartmentalize that part the way men do. I’m proud of that though, it’s part of my womanhood! I will see McHottie soon enough. I just feel like I need to keep my word… at least to one man.

Get into it, Gentle Readers!!!

2011-11-06T19:59:00.005-05:00

You guys NEED to get into this!

His name is Ernie Halter and I cannot believe I've gone this long without knowing about him.

Doesn't this song just make you want to get all romantical?

Thats just the mood I've been in for the past couple of days. Agent Smith comes home soon and while I'm dreading that whole conversation, I cannot wait to finally meet up with The Comedian.

I'm just excited about the possibilities, whether its just for one night or for more than that, I just love the anticipation of meeting someone new. Especially him. I can't help but smile every time I get his texts or talk to him. I don't remember the last time I was this giddy with excitement and lust!

I'm a happy girl right now! =)

Get into it, Gentle Readers!!!

2011-11-04T23:00:00.005-04:00

I'm feeling like crap today... physically. You girls know what I'm talking about.

OMG, one time The Med Student wanted me to come over and I told him I couldn't because I had my period and so he said: "OH... female problems." I said, "Its only a problem if I DON'T get it!"

God, what an idiot!

Anywhooooo... I truly dislike Rihanna. I just don't like her or her music. She annoys me (except when she is with Eminem and in those cases its just because y'all know how much I love me some Em)! That was until I heard THIS!

The video is hard to watch, but the beat makes me wish I had those new underwater headphones or the pool was hooked up with underwater speakers like the one at the Grove Park Inn so I could swim some laps Phelps style to this awesomeness!

Get into it... if you haven't already!

;)

Knock three times...

2011-11-03T09:30:00.005-04:00

At 5:59 this morning someone knocked so loudly on my door that I was standing up right by the time I realized I was out of bed and awake.

My heart was beating its way out of my chest and Lola was in full protection mode. Hackles raised and all... so cute!

I looked through the peep hole but didn't see anyone, I actually thought I'd dreamt it, but Lola was still barking so it must've been real. When I look through the window I see a Cop standing there and can recognize the blue and red lights shining downstairs.

It was like a bucket of ice water was poured over me. I immediately thought of my brother but in a second my mind reasoned that if it were related to him it'd be a soldier at my door and not a Miami police officer, then I remembered he was already back from deployment and probably sleeping comfortably in his bed. Thats when I remembered mom who starts working at 6 and is on the road by 5:45. I braced for the worse as I reached for the door.

He asked: Are you "Raven Van der Paw"?

RVdP: Yes... what happened?!

Cop: Do you own a white Toyota?

Things seemed like a cake walk as soon as he said those words.

When I rushed back into my room it was 6:00! I reached for a pair of earrings, brushed my teeth and applied some chap stick, my hair was in a messy bun... I would like to thank it for that! And I was still wearing my mascara from last night. Thank goodness cause all three cops who were waiting for me downstairs were gorgeous... even though the one who knocked on my door was like 3 inches shorter than me.

Someone broke my passenger side window and rummaged through my entire car and stole my iPod and the thingie you use to hook up the iPod when you don't have an AUX input. He apparently also took the time to look through an envelope of pictures I had in the glove compartment because they were nicely spread out on the dashboard. That was a bit creepy, but they were old pics of when I was much MUCH fatter!

Nothing happened. My loved ones are safe and to me that is much more important than any money I might have to shell out or the head ache of having to take my car to a body shop. Its a car! Its a material thing! It can be replaced!

So I called Butters to come help me tape up the window... and by help me, I mean I had him do it while I tweeted about the whole situation.

I realized that if the guy had tried to drive off with my car he would've felt like a loser 1/2 a block down because my tank is on empty! I didn't feel like stopping for gas yesterday and the light was on ALL day. HA!

Butters posted this pic on my FB wall with the following caption:

"Hey.. I found this note close to where your car was parked! I guess we missed it

because it was still dark out..."

Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same...

2011-11-02T18:04:00.008-04:00

(The following events took place in August 2011)

For the first time in two years I felt like a complete idiot as I left McHottie’s house. I could not stop crying.

After an earth shattering fuck session we laid next to each other… he looked at me and said: “What's going on with you? Something's changed.”

I hesitated and then remembered his comment the last time about me being closed off from the people who care about me.

I went for it. I went against my rules and better judgment and opened my big fat fucking mouth.
I started from the beginning and told him something very personal about myself. Something I’ve only shared with my Mom, brother, Butters and Chino. I told him everything, going back to how it started when I was a child.

He listened and then, with the smallest hint of judgment said… “But if you know what the problem is, just stop!”

If looks could kill I’d be writing his obituary right now.

I felt every cell of my body close back up in a millisecond. He felt it too.

He tried to steer me back to the subject at hand and I smiled and nodded.

After a couple of minutes he got into my good graces the best way he knows how… by going down on me.

I came and he asked me to ride his cock… the problem is that when I tried, we both noticed that I’d dried up. I couldn’t explain it. I was just dry!

That has NEVER happened to me before.

So I started to give him head and then to continue with the unsolved mysteries of the night… I got cotton mouth. I simply could not suck anymore. Me,... yeah!

Do you realize what my psyche did to me???

I told you every cell decided to clam up!

It was incredible.

I managed to regain control of my vagina and we were able to finish… barely.

When I got up and got dressed he followed me down the stairs in complete silence. Then he stood at the door while I made my way to the gate. I looked back expectantly and he said “the floor’s wet…”

I looked at the floor and back at him and then opened the gate and let it slam behind me. No final kiss, no goodbye, nothing!

I simply walked away from him.

I heard him say “Wait, why are you leaving?!”

But I continued to walk to the dark parking lot and got into my car as quick as I could. I put it in gear and cried the entire ride home.

I felt foolish for letting myself be vulnerable. Why would he hint for me to open up if all he was going to do was revert to his detached male fuckery?! I come here for sex... lets have sex... no games, no cuddling, no hugsies, no cuteness... JUST SEX!!! Dirty, sweaty, ruthless sex! I cannot deal with ridiculous mind games! He is close to 40…. He should know better by now. He should know ME better by now. I didn't expect for us to get married just cause I shared something personal with him... but I did expect him to have the same compassion for me as I do for his stupid anecdotes. If you have no intention of doing so, then don't make a big deal about me not sharing my feelings with you!!!

Also... don't judge me! There are things about him that I know... in fact I don't think he knows that I know everything I know and I still don't judge him! I respect him for getting his life together despite his mistakes!

And then he’s not gonna walk me to my car? Really? Fuck you, you fucking asshole!

He texted me the next day talking 'bout: “mmmm you tasted so good last night!’.

I answered three weeks later when my vagina had forgiven him. He never answered back. I will assume that he has either found someone else or is over it. Either way I am not going to be the one to look for him this time around!

Don’t think too much just bust that kick...

2011-11-02T00:29:00.007-04:00

Oh Gagita... you know me so well. There isn't an instance in my life where one of her songs isn't relevant!

If I could verbalize everything I'm feeling, this is what it would sound like!

;)

lovegame

let’s have some fun this beat is sick · i wanna take a ride on your disco stick · let’s have some fun this beat is sick · i wanna take a ride on your disco stick · huh, huh · i wanna kiss you · but if i do then i might miss you babe · it’s complicated and stupid · got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid · guess he wants to play · wants to play · a lovegame · a lovegame · hold me and love me · Just wanna touch you for a minute · maybe three seconds is enough for my heart to quit it · let’s have some fun this beat is sick · i wanna take a ride on your disco stick · don’t think too much just bust that kick · i wanna take a ride on your disco stick · let’s play a lovegame · play a lovegame · do you want love? · or you want fame? · are you in the game? · dans, the lovegame · repeat · i’m on a mission · and it involves some heavy touching, yeah · you’ve indicated your interest · i’m educated in sex, yes · and now i want it bad · want it bad · a lovegame · a lovegame · hold me and love me · just wanna touch you for a minute · maybe three seconds is enough for my heart to quit it · huh, huh · i can see you staring there from across the block · with a smile on your mouth and your hand on your, huh! · the story of us, it always starts the same · with a Boy and a girl and a huh! and a game · and a game · and a game · and a game · a lovegame ·

Get into it, Gentle Readers!!!

2011-11-01T11:39:00.007-04:00

One of the best things about having the opportunity to live and go to high school abroad was the fact that I never would've learned to appreciate music like the amazing Mexican rancheras!

There is nothing like an after party, slugging tequila or aguardiente and singing a ranchera at the top of your lungs. Its like releasing that last little bit of hurt thats still hidden at the bottom of your heart.

Anyway.... today is Mama VdP's birthday! So in honor of the most important woman in my life, here are two of my favorite rancheras!

If you don't speak spanish you best find a translator...

"Pudieramos morir en las cantinas y nunca lograriamos olvidarlas! Mujeres o mujeres tan divinas... no queda otro camino que adorarlas"

"Yo no te ofrezco riquezas. Te ofrezco mi corazon, te ofrezco mi corazon a cambio de mi pobreza."

I wish I could be strong without this Scheiße...

2011-10-31T10:39:00.009-04:00

"A writer should write what he has to say and not speak it."~Ernest Hemingway

I think this is my problem sometimes. I cannot verbalize what I need to express right when I need to.

Don't get me wrong... I can let my mouth run when I have something passionate to say... but when it comes to intimacy, my mind and my mouth seem to lose touch.

Also, can we talk about how the fucking universe has decided to test me?!

So Mchottie and were on the outs since the last time we saw each other about 2 months ago. I know I still owe you guys that story, but its not something I want to talk about yet.

Today he decided that he would come back into my life.

Against all my instincts and knee jerk desires I turned him down. The interesting part? It wasn't because of Agent Smith and our shaky agreement. It was because of The Comedian. I don't want to have sex with anyone till I have sex with him.

Do you see how off balance this whole thing has me?!

Oy! Fuck off, Universe. My insurance doesn't cover my therapy costs anymore!

What kind of fuckery are we?

2011-10-30T21:45:00.009-04:00

Agent Smith called me from Brazil, tonight. I think he wanted to have phone sex, he tried his darnest to turn me on, but it just wasn't happening. Mainly because I don't want to imagine the things he wants to do to me... I mean, I do. But not right now.

I feel so shitty. I told him I needed to talk to him about something but he said he'd call me back tomorrow.

Ugh!

Part of me thinks this is a conversation we need to have in person, another part of me is screaming to give it up and just give in to seeing The Comedian! That's who I really want RIGHT NOW!

Then there's a small part of me... the part that's in tune with my need to finally let someone in and be able to have a loving relationship, that's questioning whether giving up a potentially stable opportunity with the Agent is a smart move.

Here's the thing Gentle Readers, The Comedian... only knows Raven. He knows nothing about my personal life. He doesn't even know my real name!!!

Its definitely been a very different interaction for me. The fact that I have the upper hand in regards to what he knows or doesn't know is a major turn on for me. BUT... I do get to hear about his personal stuff. And it wasn't until I started typing that last sentence that I realized how much of a mind fuck it is starting to be for me.

If its going to be a no strings attached kind of thing, then I think it needs to be established. The fact here is, this man doesn't KNOW me... so in all fairness that's all I'm taking it as. But then I randomly find myself wanting to break my non-cuddling rule and wanting to spend whole days with him just hanging out, laughing, fucking, cuddling.

I don't know how to handle that. That scares me.

There's a constant interaction with him from the moment my day starts, to the minute I'm ready to fall asleep. I understand its part of what makes the arousal and desire so fucking intense.... but I'm starting to get terrified of getting used to it and then missing it if it goes away.

What is wrong with me?!

Its like the lines I've worked so hard draw for myself are starting to get blurred.

The logical thing is for me to bring this up to him, but that would imply me having to think about what I'm really feeling and why I'm feeling it.

I am such coward sometimes!

I think my name has to be revealed soon though. The real me has to be dealt with. Raven is obviously a big part of who I am. Its the Batman to my Bruce Wayne. But we are, after all, the same person!

Listen, if Bruce wanted to he could still save Gotham without the suit, it'd just make him much more vulnerable to pain.

Get into it, Gentle Readers!!!

2011-10-28T18:57:00.001-04:00

This has made my LIFE!!!