• Are you afraid of your partner?
• Has your partner ever intimidated you by smashing furniture or household objects, or by threatening you?
• Have you changed your behaviour to please your partner or avoid making him/her angry?
• Do you lie to him/her to avoid making him/her angry (for instance, about where you have been, or who you are talking to on the telephone)?
• Have you stopped seeing friends or relatives since your relationship began, because your partner asked you to, or because it is easier not to do so?
• Do you find yourself agreeing with his/her criticisms of your friends and relatives?
• Do you find yourself agreeing with him/her about all kinds of things simply to keep the peace? (You have learned to keep your real opinions to yourself.)
• Do you feel you have no hobbies or friends of your own?
• Is your partner secretive, excluding you from some parts of his/her life, and perhaps making excuses not to take you places, such as out with friends or to see his/her relatives?
• Is he/she over-involved in your life? Perhaps making all your decisions and taking over many of the tasks you would normally do yourself (e.g. filling out forms, organising insurance and tax for your car, or making arrangements for you with your family or friends without consulting you.)
• Does he/she humiliate, embarrass or undermine you – perhaps in front of family and friends – making you ‘feel small’ or putting you in a bad light? If you complain, does he/she tell you that you have no sense of humour, or can’t take a joke?
• Do you feel that whatever you do, you will never be able to please him/her?
• Does he/she lie, even about small things?
• Does he/she keep a mental list of all the things you have done ‘wrong’ in the past and bring it up during arguments?
• Do you always put his/her needs first and your own last?
• Does he/she expect you to provide emotional support, but seem unable to offer you the same thing?
• Do you find yourself saying things like ‘She let me go to see Mum this week’, or ‘He let me have some money for a new top’. This is an indication of control – you are really saying ‘He/she allowed me…’
• Do you feel that you are to blame when things go wrong – and does your partner suggest that is the case?
• Does your partner frequently question your judgement and your decisions?
• Do you often doubt your own judgement?
• Is making love a shared, enjoyable experience, or does it leave you feeling used?

Organisations Who Can Help

Women’s Aid – UK-based, website with lots of advice and a 24-hour support helpline: 0808 2000 247

The Hotline – US-based, advice, information and hotline: 1-800-799-7233

My partner and I mostly communicate well.

Clear communication is important for a healthy relationship. For communication to be effective, we need to express our own feelings and thoughts clearly and listen to the other person.

Most of the time I feel close to my partner.

It takes time and commitment to maintain a sense of closeness. Over time, our relationship may be sidelined by daily pressures such as caring for children, juggling work and family commitments or simply managing day-to-day stresses. If you and your partner are very busy, you may begin to drift apart without realising it.

A 2011 study by consultancy firm Grant Thornton found that the most common reason for couples to file for divorce was that they no longer felt in love and had ‘grown apart’. Couples reported that their relationship had slid down their list of priorities, replaced by the pressures of work, money worries or raising a family.

My partner and I regularly make time to talk and be affectionate.

If you and your partner regularly spend time together when you can talk and be affectionate, well done! This is probably the single most important thing you can do to maintain a healthy relationship. The average couple spends just twelve minutes a day talking to each other, making it much more difficult to maintain a close, loving relationship. What’s more most of those 12 minutes are focused on organising practical tasks, such as planning meals, running the household or managing childcare.

If you do not already do so, try to plan some way of spending time together, nurturing your relationship – just the two of you, no friends or children! Ideally choose an activity that you both enjoy, perhaps a date night, a leisurely walk or a long shared lunch.

You can download a free guide to improving your communication as a couple here.

My partner and I listen to each other.

Listening to our partner is critical to the long-term health of our relationship, but unfortunately many of us are not very good at it. A Relate study into Relationships found that ‘Both sexes agree that the most annoying thing of all about their couple relationship is not being listened to; one in six people said that being ignored in conversation is their biggest complaint about their partner.’ (The Way We Are Now, The Relate TalkTalk Relationship Report, 2010)

The good news is that effective listening skills are easy to develop and practice. First, bear in mind that there is an important difference between the physical act of hearing, which involves being aware of and receiving sound and listening, which involves not only receiving sounds but, as much as possible, accurately understanding their meaning. Even when we understand what is being said, we might not be a rewarding listener. Many people do not listen very well in everyday conversations, because they are too busy planning what they are going to say next, or even thinking about something else entirely.

Active listening is a term first coined in the 1970s by Thomas Gordon to describe a way of listening that not only involves listening carefully to what a person is saying and taking it on board, but also showing that you have understood. Active listening can be invaluable in relationships because it provides a way for us to show our partner that we have listened to what they are saying and understood it (even if we don’t necessarily agree).

When my partner and I disagree on something we can usually find a solution (even if we get angry and upset with each other initially).

How you and your partner handle disagreements can be very important to the future of your relationship. Some couples are able to talk out their disagreements and come to a solution without arguing, whereas other couples argue, perhaps become upset with each other, but eventually make up and come to an agreement or compromise. Other couples find it more difficult to resolve disagreements – perhaps they find themselves going over and over the same arguments without coming to a resolution, or they have reached a stage where they don’t argue or discuss difficult issues. This can lead to underlying tension or a may lead to the couple drifting apart.

Relationship Balance

My partner and I share some common interests and enjoy spending time together.

Shared interests help to build the bond between you and your partner and can be a fun way for you to spend time together. If the two of you have no shared interests this may lead to you drifting apart in the long-term. Many couples manage to achieve a nice balance, with some shared interests and some individual interests too. Couples vary a great deal in this, but in general, it’s important for each member of a couple to have the space and understanding within their relationship to explore their own interests as well as having shared interests.

My partner and I have similar friends and separate friends.

Most couples find that they have some shared friends and some separate friends. It’s important for you as an individual to have your own network of friends – people who you enjoy spending time with, share common interests with, and can turn to in times of difficulty. If you spend a great deal of time with your friends, at the expense of time spent with your partner, this can cause conflict. However, at the same time, being completely dependent on your partner to meet all of your friendship, companionship and support needs can place undue strain on your relationship and may ultimately lead to feelings of resentment and disappointment.

My partner and I value each other’s need for some independence within the relationship.

Healthy relationships generally offer the space and understanding for both partners to have a degree of independence. People vary a great deal in how much independence they need – for instance, they may prefer relative financial independence, with separate bank accounts, or they may prefer a shared account. If you and your partner differ greatly in how much independence you need within the relationship, this can be a cause of significant conflict.

My partner and I have some shared plans for the future (and perhaps some individual plans too) and we’re fully supportive of what each of us wants to do.

While some couples are in complete agreement about what they want their joint future to look like, others differ greatly in their long-term goals. Even if you and your partner disagree about your plans for the future, this is not necessarily a cause for concern if you are each able to support the other person’s plans. However, if you disagree markedly about your plans for the future and are unable to be supportive of your partner, this can be a major cause of conflict and distress.

Some couples do not talk about or plan for the future at all. This can work well if it suits both partners, perhaps because they both prefer to live one day at a time, but if one partner would prefer to plan for the future it can cause anxiety and conflict. Similarly, if one or both partners avoids talking about difficult but important issues,
this can lead to building tension.

My partner and I are able to support each other well when we face challenges (even if we have some different coping strategies).

Life challenges such as redundancy, bereavement, or financial problems can put a great deal of strain on couple relationships. Some couples are able to support each other at such times and will often say that going through difficulties has brought them closer. Other couples find that they argue more at times of great stress but are still able to muddle through somehow. However, if you are in a relationship where challenging times put a great deal of strain on your relationship, and you are not able to support each other in a positive way, this is an area that would benefit from work, and perhaps support from a relationship therapist.

The 2010 Relate Study, The Way we Are Now, found that financial worry was the biggest cause of strain on relationships for 18.8 percent of people. Other significant causes of strain included working long hours (9.3 percent) and family rows (7.3 percent).

My partner and I share many of the same values – even if some of our values are different, we respect each other’s opinion so our differences don’t matter.

If you and your partner have very different values and attitudes to key areas such as managing your finances, raising children or work-life balance, this can be a major cause of conflict or tension. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree about everything all of the time – sometimes, respecting each other’s differences is the most important thing. However, if you are struggling to reach agreement about key areas of your life together, then you may benefit from working with a couple therapist.

Your Sex Life

My partner and I have similar attitudes towards sex – our needs may sometimes be different but most of the time we both enjoy our sex life.

If you and your partner share similar attitudes towards sex and have similar needs most of the time, it is likely that your sex life will be an important and rewarding part of your relationship. Conflict or tension may arise, however, if you have very different needs or attitudes, for instance if one of you has a much higher sex drive than the other, or if one of you is much more adventurous than the other. A 2010 survey of relationship therapists found that sexual difficulties were cited as the third biggest contributor to relationship breakdown after communication difficulties and affairs. For more advice on managing differences in sex drive, click here.

Working with a therapist can also help you and your partner to create a sex life that works well for both of you – often this involves some degree of compromise from both partners.

It’s helpful to bear in mind that temporary changes such as health problems, extremely high stress levels, or exhaustion (such as that experienced by many new parents) can all have a short-term impact on the sex drive. If there are problems in your relationship outside the bedroom these may also have a significant impact on your sex life.

This module is part of our 10-Week Strengthen Your Relationship Course. If you’re already registered you’ll receive one module per week for the next 10 weeks.

Not yet Registered? Click here to register and receive the whole course delivered direct to your email address.

Read each sentence below and either put a ’1′ next to it if you agree with the sentence or a ’0′ if you don’t. Try not to think too hard about each sentence, go with your immediate response. The higher your score, the stronger the foundation of your relationship is likely to be. Where you have marked a ’0′ this may indicate a warning sign or an area that would benefit from further work to strengthen your relationship.

You can find a link to a detailed discussion of each question at the bottom of the page.

Communicating as a Couple

1. ___ My partner and I mostly communicate well.
2. ___ Most of the time I feel close to my partner.
3. ___ My partner and I regularly make time to talk and be affectionate.
4. ___ My partner and I listen to each other.
5. ___ When my partner and I disagree on something we can usually find a solution (even if we get angry and upset with each other initially).

Relationship Balance

1. ___ My partner and I share some common interests and enjoy spending time together.
2. ___ My partner and I have similar friends and separate friends.
3. ___ My partner and I value each other’s need for some independence within the relationship.
4. ___ My partner and I have some shared plans for the future (and perhaps some individual plans too) and we’re fully supportive of what each of us wants to do.
5. ___ My partner and I are able to support each other well when we face challenges (even if we have some different coping strategies).
6. ___ My partner and I share many of the same values – even if some of our values are different, we respect each other’s opinion so our differences don’t matter.

Your Sex Life

1. ___ My partner and I have similar attitudes towards sex – our needs may sometimes be different but most of the time we both enjoy our sex life.

Score:

____ /12

Discussion:

Less than 6. This score suggests that you and your partner are not communicating well at present. There may be some minor disagreements between you that remain unresolved, or perhaps just one major issue. You may find it difficult to address conflict successfully, either arguing unproductively, or just avoiding any discussion of difficult issues. Completing our 10-week course will help you to address some of the problem areas you have identified.

If you are concerned that your relationship may be abusive, please see our guide for further advice.

6 – 9. This score suggests that you and your partner have a strong relationship in general. You are usually able to resolve conflict and differences, respecting each other’s opinions when you do disagree. If you argue, you are later able to make up and find a solution. When faced with challenges you are mostly able to support each other. Completing our 10-week course may show you ways to further strengthen your relationship.

10-12. This score suggests that you and your partner have a very strong relationship. You probably share most of the same values and are able to respect each other’s differences. You probably also have very similar attitudes to key areas such as finance, children, family and your sex life. When you encounter life challenges you are usually good at supporting each other. Completing our 10-week course may show you ways to further strengthen your relationship.

Part 2

This module is part of our 10-week Strengthen Your Relationship Course. Click here to register and receive the whole course delivered direct to your email address.

Couples are often said to go through five different stages throughout their relationship. First, they enter the romance phase wherein all they see all the positive aspects about their partners. It is characterized by daydreaming and fantasies, and intense emotions of ambivalence. The couple sees everything in their relationship as amazing and beautiful. They spend most of their time dating, and are very excited to learn new things about each other. Butterflies in the stomach and the feeling of overwhelming by joy are very common at this stage.

As the couple moves forward to the power struggle stage, they are now able to see each other’s weaknesses, causing misunderstandings to settle into the relationship. This phase is characterized by drawing away from each other, giving both partners time to calm down and breathe. Couples will now try to ask themselves, “Am I the right one for him/her?” Or, “Am I making the right decision?” They tend to question their decisions, thinking that maybe, this is not the kind of relationship they want. Nevertheless, couples continue spending time with each other, but not as often as before. There are two things that can happen during this relationship stage: first, the couple may decide to resolve the issue and will choose to move forward by talking things over, understanding each other’s differences and believing that they are meant for one another. Second, they may opt to end the relationship, and find another suitable partner. This is an important relationship stage that couples need to know about. This is normal process in a relationship, and it should not be blamed on the differences of the couple’s personalities.

Couples go through a lot of challenges in the power struggles stage that can strengthen their relationship. As they move into the third stage which is stability, they now begin to realize that fights and misunderstandings are part of a healthy relationship. Both partners come from different families and were exposed to different types of backgrounds and personalities. Therefore, they should expect that in one way or another, misunderstandings and discomforts will arise in dealing with each other’s attitudes.

About a few months to years after this stage, they will proceed with the commitment stage where they see their partners as more than companions, and actually as a part of themselves. When their partners are depressed, they also feel sad, and when their partners are happy, they share in the joy. This is the stage where couples think about their partners before doing anything that could hurt them. The reason for this is not because they are afraid to get caught, but because they are able to relive the feelings of their partners. A lot of trust has been built by this stage, and they can’t afford to make a mistake that could break it up. Finally, every relationship should desire to reach the co-creation stage. This stage involves moving beyond the relationship to entering a stage called marriage and family.

Relationship stages move in a linear process. However, as relationships are not perfect, it can move from one stage and then go back to a previous stage. After reading this article, take a moment to assess where you are in your current relationship or to reflect on a previous one? Have you matured in the way you handle your relationships, or do you still get caught up in thinking that relationships are all about fantasies? Many people falsely believe that when the butterflies in their stomachs go away that the relationship has lost its value, but in many cases that’s when the real magic begins.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jessica_Menoza

Family communication refers to the way verbal and non-verbal information is exchanged between family members. Communication involves the ability not only to hear what others are saying, but to take it on board. In other words, an important part of communication is not just talking, but listening to what others have to say.

Communication within a family enables members to express their needs, wants, and concerns to each other. Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that allows family members to express their differences as well as their love and admiration for one another. It is through communication that family members are able to resolve the unavoidable problems that occasionally arise in all families.

Just as effective communication is almost always found in strong, healthy families, poor communication is usually found in unhealthy family relationships. Family therapists often report that poor communication is a common complaint of families who are having difficulties. Poor communication is unclear and indirect, leading to frequent misunderstandings. It can lead to numerous family problems, including conflict, ineffective problem solving, lack of intimacy, and weak emotional bonding.

Researchers have discovered a strong link between communication patterns and satisfaction with family relationships (Noller and Fitzpatrick, 1990, Marital communication in the eighties.). One researcher discovered that the more positively couples rated their communication, the more satisfied they were with their relationship five and a half years later (Markman, 1981, Application of a behavioral model of marriage in predicting relationship satisfaction of couples planning marriage.).

Poor communication is also associated with an increased risk of divorce and marital separation and more behavioural problems in children.

instrumental and affective communication

Communication can be divided into two different areas: instrumental and affective. Instrumental communication is the exchange of factual information that enables individuals to fulfil common family functions (e.g., telling a child that he/she will be picked up from school at a specific time and location). Affective communication is the way individual family members share their emotions with one another and talk about how they are feeling.

Some families function extremely well with instrumental communication, yet have great difficulty with affective communication. Healthy families are able to communicate well in both areas.

types of communication

Communication can be clear or masked and direct or indirect. Clear communication occurs when messages are spoken plainly and the content is easily understood by other family members. Masked communication occurs when the message is muddied or vague.

Communication is direct if the person spoken to is the person for whom the message is intended. In contrast, communication is indirect if the message is not directed to the person for whom it is intended.

Epstein et al. (1993) have identified the following four styles of communication.

building effective family communication

There are many things that families can do to improve the quality of their relationships by communicating better, including:

Communication is key to successful family functioning. Researchers agree that clear, open, and frequent communication is a basic characteristic of a strong, healthy family. Families that communicate in healthy ways are more capable of problem-solving and tend to be more satisfied with their relationships.

If you are finding it difficult to communicate with your partner or other family members, working with a relationship counselor may be helpful.

Book Therapy

Couples who have experienced a painfulrelationship breakup will often go through several stages as they cope with their loss. As the acclaimed psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross puts it, the stages of grieving chronicles how a person feels and copes during a relationship breakup.

As you read these stages, it’s important to remember that this is not a linear process where a person will go through one stage at a time. Human beings are complex and can experience many feelings at the same time or not feel some of these things at all. Think of these stages as possible feelings that may come up for you when you end a relationship.

First Stage: Denial

The feeling:

At this point, you may block unwanted feelings or turn off their emotions. There is a strong feeling of refutation that the relationship has ended, and you unwillingly hold on to the thought that the separation is just a phase. You may do everything possible to bring the relationship back to the way it was.

How to cope:

Denial is a stage that may or may not come again even after being able to move on to the succeeding stages. It is important that there is a mutual acknowledgement between both parties about the separation. After all, acknowledging that a problem exists is the first helpful step to properly cope with the breakup. As such, it is important to convince yourself that in spite of therelationship breakup, there are other things that you need to prioritise like school, work or leisure.

Second Stage: Anger

The feeling:

This occurs when you finally understand that the breakup is real. Whether you are angry with yourself or furious at your ex-partner for not keeping the relationship strong, anger is a normal feeling in emotionally stressful experiences. Although sometimes people refuse to acknowledge their anger, it is necessary to release all angry emotions.

How to deal:

It is important to let all your emotions go, rather than keeping all negative feelings inside. Bottling them up will make you burst into rage at any time when there is a trigger. Channel your anger through different recreational activities, such as exercising, painting and singing. Counselling or therapy is another anger management strategy that you can employ. By doing counselling, you are able to truly recognise your feelings and maybe even trace the roots of your anger.

Third Stage: Bargaining

The feeling:

Feelings of bargaining are easily assessed during a relationship breakup. This happens when compromises are made for the benefit of rebuilding the relationship. The affected person may think about making a deal with a supernatural being, or may consider talking with the ex-partner to make promises so that things can go back to how they were before. There is a strong tendency to converse with the ex-partner about working out the many issues and concerns that led to the breakup. Oftentimes, bargaining gives a reassuring feeling that the relationship can still be mended.

How to deal:

Find new activities to keep yourself busy. Being preoccupied with other things will keep your mind from the breakup. Instead of bargaining, try to rationalise the situation and explore why the relationship did not work out in some aspects. Recognising the reality of the problem is the key to proper coping.

Fourth Stage: Depression

The feeling:

Oftentimes when the bargaining does not work, you can fall into despair with the realisation that the relationship cannot be fixed. This stage sets in when there is a clear understanding that the relationship is indeed “over”. Extreme feelings of sadness and loneliness consume the affected person, as well as a general loss of interest in many activities of daily living.

How to deal:

Depression is the best time to use all the effective coping mechanisms, as it is during this time that you may feel extremely down. It is important to reflect on why the breakup has happened, and noting the aspects that led to the separation.

Doing something new and continuing usual activities are recommended to maintain a normal living. Withdrawing yourself from the world is generally not advised, as it’s important to spend time with your loved ones to reinforce social coping. Counselling or therapy is also an effective way to express your depressed feelings.

Fifth Stage: Acceptance

The feeling:

In this final stage, there is a willingness to finally let go and move on with life. You have fully comprehended that it is normal to feel hurt, and that the relationship breakup brings a whole new meaning for you.

How to deal:

By finally accepting the whole experience, you can now be the best person you can be. This is the best time to meet new friends and to mingle with a new crowd. Nevertheless, it’s wise to know your limits and enjoy new experiences one step at a time. After all, one painful relationship breakup should not stop you to feel happy with the next.

Couple separation happens all the time to many people. Learning the stages of grief and how they apply during a relationship breakup will indeed help any person cope with a painful experience.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/relationship-breakups-the-grief-stages-of-couple-separation-5297425.html

About the Author

The Centre for Relationship Development provides high-quality relationship and marriage counselling services for couples and individuals from four centres located in Nowra and Kiama on the South Coast of NSW, the Sydney CBD, Newtown and the Northern Beaches of Sydney. Visit Sydney Relationship

to read more or to book an appointment today.

Book Online Therapy

The most basic answer to why do men cheat isn’t because they want sex. Men cheat because they miss the feeling of being admired and feeling a woman positively responding to them. Usually with their partner they feel criticised and undermined. Men need to feel they can make their partner happy and to feel admired and trusted. Men are motivated by knowing ‘they can get things right’ for their partner.

A lot of arguments are not really about the surface things, rather they are about a woman feeling the loss of an emotional connection and bond with their man. Not enough connection feels like abandonment. In an attempt to regain a connection women complain and tell their men what they are not doing right. Unfortunately men don’t know that the complaining and criticism is actually a desire for connection. The men begin to feel they ‘can’t get it right for her’ and lose self esteem.

Once the pattern starts, of a man distancing and a woman complaining the man can become discouraged. When he tries to do the right thing he soon gives up when the appreciation he longs for doesn’t come instantly ( He should persevere!) He distances more which makes the lack of connection even worse. At these times some men are vulnerable to cheating on their partner to get a sense of self esteem. They attempt to re-experience what it is like to have a woman’s positive attention. It’s not really about sex at all. It’s about the need to be admired.

Women cheat much less than men. They cheat as a last resort when they feel taken for granted by their partner. Women wish to feel appreciated, desired and special to their partner. Some women are more vulnerable to cheating if they have friends who cheat as makes it seem more acceptable. The key factor for cheating is that their partner has ignored their attempts to emotionally re-connect. Women cheat because their partner doesn’t listen to them. On the unconscious level an affair is an attempt at problem solving.

It’s curious how cheating partner’s unconsciously let their partner’s know they are cheating as if they want the main issue to comes out into the open. Cheating interrupts the emotional bond between two people. The break in trust hurts, shocks and shakes the betrayed partner. Often can be worked through in relationship counselling to build a stronger partnership. It’s a tough process and takes time to work through the root issues to a develop a more realistic sense of trust.

What can you do to reduce the possibility of cheating?

There are steps you can take to maintain and build the emotional connection in your relationship. A strong emotional connection reduces the likelihood of cheating. Schedule in time in your calendars each week to have special time together, maybe to go on a date or do something that nourishes your relationship. Take an interest in the emotional life of your partner, ask them what they would like more of/less of in the relationship. Find out what is important to them.

Learn how to express your feelings and needs openly so your partner can stay open. If you complain and attack then your partner is going to close and attack back.. We all have needs, yet society conditions us not to listen to our needs. Women are conditioned to think of others, not themselves, Men are conditioned to be in control and be strong. If we are not in touch of our needs and are unable to express them, we tend to unconsciously act out our needs. So to get in touch with your needs take some time by yourself and notice your body.

1.Notice any tightness in your stomach and chest. Just keep your attention on the area and wait expectantly to see what feelings come.

2.Put what you are feeling/needing into words.

3.Shape those words into a doable request. E.g. You notice some tightness under your rib cage..it’s fear that your partner is meeting some friends tonight and you are wanting to feel more connected to him. You realise you are needing reassurance and connection. You make a request to your partner..”I want to feel closer to you, I value spending time with you yet I feeling scared that you don’t want to spend time with me. I’d really like it if we could do something together on Thursday and I could really do with a hug right now”

The surprising thing is, that when we risk coming from our heart with what we want without attacking our partner, they feel connected to us and usually respond lovingly.

Men and women need appreciation in different ways.

• Men want to be admired ( they want to know they can get it right for you and be appreciated for it). So if you are woman ask your partner to help you with something that will make him feel good as a man and appreciate him for it.
• Women want to feel special. So men tune in to what makes your partner feel she is special to you: Does she respond to loving words, appreciations,gifts, you doing something for her, spending time together, surprise night out, physical touch? Women need to be told over and over that they are special. It’s hard to understand as a man how important it is.

Having Trouble Expressing How You Feel?

If you and your partner are getting into a negative cycles of arguing where one of you wants more and the other distances and you fear that this might lead to your partner cheating then take steps to address it now.

Find out more about Couples Counselling and how to avoid cheating at St Pancras Relationship Counselling London

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com

If you are dealing with some of the issues explored in this article within your relationship you may find it helpful to work with one of our online therapist:

Book Therapy


Photo credit: Ed Yourdon – http://www.flickr.com/photos/yourdon/2573762303/

Guest article
by Richard Cole

When you have done something wrong and your partner is upset the first step is to forgive yourself. Avoid if you can, going into shame and self-hate. This is what lies beneath the surface for most men, who react with anger and defensiveness.

There’s a dignity to be found in accepting yourself regardless of what you have done and through taking responsibility by being willing to remain present to your partner’s pain. You are as fallible as the next man. You are not alone in messing up. You can be present to your partner, comfort her, regret what you have done, make amends. You can learn from it without needing to criticise yourself to the point of self-hatred.

Are you feeling over-responsible? It helps to remember that while some of your partner’s pain is due to your actions, some of her pain is likely to come from earlier experiences which are nothing to do you. The hurts from the past might be stacked onto the current event. There’s no point arguing the details. Your partner is well versed in being emotional, you don’t need to worry about her being upset. You do need to be present and there for her.

There is no mental technique to make your partner’s upset go away. What is required is just to do your best to be there and be sincere. If at anytime that you feel overwhelmed, or angry, tell her you need a ‘time-out’ for 10 minutes. It’s essential that you make it clear that you really want to hear her out. and that you will be back in 10 minutes. If you are feeling scared or uncomfortable, soothe yourself by remembering she’s not your mother and she can’t, ‘make you or break you’ – only your self-judgment can.

Listen to her emotional flow. She doesn’t work like you,her communication style is based on emotional flow, so don’t expect her to speak like a man. Sift for the gold by translating inwardly any digs or criticism she may make into what she is saying she is needing now.E.g. Translate ‘ You never listen’, into, ‘I really want to be listened to right now’. It helps you both stay connected if you hold her hand or keep some kind of physical contact. Be attentive Every time you break contact,it feels like abandonment to her. Listen to the hurt she wants to express.

The content isn’t necessarily the message. Tune into what she is saying on a feeling level. Could it be that she feeling abandoned because you have been emotionally pulling away? Remember to keep your breathing flowing so you keep releasing what you are feeling, in response to what she is feeling. Holding your breath generates anxiety.

Don’t let any arrows of ‘you never do this..or do that!’ stick in. It might be her hurt speaking that is too tender to be directly expressed. If she is being unkind, just let her know by saying, ‘Ouch!’ which might be all you need to say. There are limits, and sometimes you need to tell her what the limit is. You can remain in your power and not accept attempts to punish you. Focus on what she is feeling and needing now. If it’s not clear, ask her.

There’s room for two realities – ‘yours’ and ‘hers’. Right now, focus on ‘hers’. You can show you are hearing what she is saying by reflecting it back to her without disagreeing or adding your interpretation. it’s a timing thing; first you need to listen and tune into what she is feeling. At this point there is no need to defend, no need to be right, no need to correct the details of truth. Let her get her emotional flow out first. The time to disagree is later. Show her you are listening..’I really want to check if I’m getting this…[repeat back the key themes]‘. If she is overcome with emotion give her time to express it…make physical contact..slow things down.

She doesn’t need perfection from you. She just wants you to hear her hurt. She wants you to take responsibility, to feel with her rather than rationalise. She wants to hear you say that you, ‘messed up’,so she knows you get it! without justification, without defending, without collapsing. It’s not…’I'm sorry..let me tell you all about me and how bad I feel’ ( she wants you to hear her feelings not tell her about you feeling bad ). Keep the focus on her. She needs you to be sincere and to be saying in your own words,’I regret so much that I’ve hurt you’. ‘I’ve hurt you..I messed up’. ‘I’ve let you down.’

At this point if you need to, discuss any misunderstandings. Remember that your focus is to hear each other’s feelings and needs in order to clear up the ‘held in’ feelings. Avoid reacting to score points or be ‘right’. It’s not worth it.

She wants reassurance that you will take some kind of action or make an adjustment to avoid repeating what you have done. You don’t need to make promises or prove anything to her. It’s not about convincing her. When you ‘understand that you need to make an adjustment in how you are treating her’ on a feeling level, she feels the change in you straight-away. She wants reassurance that she is special to you, that you love and care for her.

If you get this more or less right, the upset goes and it’s done with. If she keeps bringing it up, it could be because the hurt goes deep and need more expression or because you are not heart-felt in acknowledging the ‘feeling message’ in what she is saying. It could be that you have not taken the action required.

Recap

1.First, forgive yourself for messing up
2.Listen to your partner’s emotional flow
3.Check out with her that you have got the’ feeling message’.
4.Take responsibility for what she is right about first. ‘You are right, I’ve messed up, I let you down’. Express regret. Don’t argue the details. Focus on the clear up.
5.Set limits if necessary. Don’t accept punishment
6.Discuss disagreements if you need to.
7.Reassure her.
8.Walk your Talk: Make adjustments to remedy the situation.

Most men find staying present when they have ‘messed up’ somewhere between: hard to impossible. It’s not easy! You and your partner trigger bonding patterns in each other that pushes each other’s buttons like no-one else can. It takes two.

If you would like to better understand why you trigger each other and get stuck in arguments please contact me to arrange Couples Counselling in London

Richard Cole is Relationship Counsellor at St Pancras Relationship Counselling London.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

If you are dealing with some of the issues explored in this article within your relationship you may find it helpful to work with a therapist:

Book Therapy

Here are some Communication Skills That Will Help Your Relationship

Most couples that come for couples counselling main aim is to communicate better and reduce the time spend in arguments. Good communication is important as it is the way that couples stay emotionally connected and know that they care for each other and are loved. Communication is a skill that is partly knowing how to do it and mostly about risking being open and coming from the heart.

Here are some of the key tips gained from my experience as a relationship counsellor offering relationship counselling:

Talk About It

• Being honest and real with each other is a scary thing, yet it’s the way to go.
• It’s important to keep a “clean heart” towards each other so if something is bothering you, that makes you feel distant from your partner don’t let it go, or minimise it – share it.
• If you are fearful of having arguments or upsetting each other it’s well worth getting some support to understand your fears. It’s important that you can be true to yourself.

Prioritise Having A Relationship Instead of Arguing About Who Is Right

• Rather than argue in a power struggle over who is “right”, allow room for two realities that can both be valid.
• Focus on what you want rather than arguing the details of who said what, when, and who is right. You both are! It doesn’t matter that you see the world differently along as you can agree a way forward that meets both your needs.
  Be curious about what is important to your partner. Respect the things that they say are important, are important, to them.
• Sometimes it can feel that your partner is out to put you down when really underneath they want connect with you.

There’s Room Male Logic and Female Feeling

• Men tend to focus on the content of what is said and argue the details whereas women tend to focus on the feelings underneath. In an argument it can be like a man and woman being on two different radio channels, wishing the other to tune into their channel.
• Here’s a story that helps explain the differences: In ancient times of hunter-gatherers men would go and hunt.The men would need to focus on one thing and be direct with each other to work together to survive the hunt. Women would be busy child-rearing and keeping the social network together. Survival was about keeping the social harmony. Women avoided directness as it was too confrontational and left them feeling vulnerable of being excluded from the group. They learnt the art of subtle indirect communication where it was only necessary to hint at what was needed and the other women would pick things up without their being any confrontation. What was important was how each person felt and keeping the harmony and connection in the group. In modern times there is still the conditioning of men being validated for their logic and women being validated for their ability to tune in and connect in feeling.
• Men and women can benefit from honouring and appreciating the differences between the genders and realise that we have different life journeys and social conditioning. For many it’s a massive shift to stop expecting a partner to communicate in the same way they do. Men expect women to be logical and women expect men to pick up indirect signals.
• Men can learn to listen to the feeling and respond with feeling on the “feeling channel” and women can learn to speak directly and with fewer words to men on the “logic channel”.

In Arguments First Seek To Understand

• In an argument both people want to be heard. It’s hard to remember when you are in the heat of emotion, but the way through is to be able to stand back a bit and first seek to understand what your partner is trying to say.Learn to listen to message underneath the content.
• Show you are listening and understanding by respectfully interrupting your partner by saying,’Let me see if I’m getting this..’ then; repeat back what you have heard ( without adding any judgments or justifications ). You don’t have to agree with what your partner said or question it – first show you are hearing what is said. Then check with your partner if they have more to add. Let them finish before responding. You don’t need to repeat back everything just the key bits. Yes it can be difficult to do this!
• Often the message sent isn’t the message received. Your partner may believe you are criticising them when that isn’t your intention. Sometimes it is worth asking them to say back to you what they heard you say. This does need to be sensitively done so your partner understands that your intention is to show care and insure that there isn’t any miscommunication rather than your intention being to control or patronise them.
• Men, women rarely want you to offer solutions to what they are telling you about, unless they specifically ask. They are wanting you to hear them out and tell them that everything will be ok. E.g. you believe they will sort it out.

Schedule Quality Time Together

• Schedule time together into your diaries so you have quality time with your partner each week so there is time to nourish your emotional bond and have fun together.
• Notice what you appreciate about your partner and tell them regularly.
• The ratio of appreciation to bringing up issues should be 5 to 1. Appreciate your partner 5 times more often than bringing up issues.
• Consciously ensure that you have uninterrupted time for love making. Allow plenty of time to connect and relax together before lovemaking so you are ready to make love in a connected way rather than use lovemaking as a way of discharging tension.

Say What You Need

Women, focus on what you are feeling and what you are needing specifically when speaking to men.Use fewer words. Men easily feel overwhelmed with lots of words and tend to want to focus on one thing at once.

• Good communication comes from a willingness to share who you are and that means risking being vulnerable and saying what you need.
• Say what you are feeling using ‘I” Statements rather than focusing on what your partner is doing wrong using “You”eg I’m needing…. I’m feeling……I would like..Not ‘You always…or you never…’.
• The way to motivate men to do something is to communicate what you are wanting specifically. Men want to feel appreciated and trusted to deliver so if you show you have faith in your partner and are trusting him to sort something out, and will appreciate him for doing something he’s going to be more responsive.It’s a confidence trick, if you act with trust and respect it comes back.

1.Make your request as calmly as possible

2.Get agreement that he is willing to do it

3.Back off, so he is left with it. You are trusting him with it so you must maintain that trust for a period of time

4.If you need to follow it up repeat the process and agree a specific time.

5.If you need to follow up again, say how you feel about the importance of trusting his word, how in small and in big things him keeping his word is important for you to feel safe with him.

See the Part You Play In Any Issue

• Relationship issues take two. A relationship is a system where the behaviour of one effects the feelings of the other and vice versa. If one of you is feeling insecure that could be because both of you are not talking enough for there to be a secure feeling connection.
• Avoid Saying your partner is “The Problem”..eg avoid..’the problem with you is…”

Stay Connected

• Many arguments stem from there being lack of connection between you. If you focus on reconnecting rather than on “the content” of the argument it helps.
• Make physical contact by touching on the arm/shoulder or hand to hand with your partner as this maintains a feeling of care and connection.
• Men, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with the speed of women talking so it’s essential to jump in, touch her on the hand or arm and interrupt her respectfully and say,’let me see if I’m getting this’. This helps you both slow down and keep connected.
• if you are feeling overwhelmed in an argument tell your partner you need a time out for 20 mins and check that is Ok. The key thing is to stress that you want to sort this out and you will be back after the agreed time. You need to keep your word about reengaging for this to work.
• Instead of distancing or sulking, take the risk of saying how you feel and what you need. If you do need time by yourself tell your partner and say when you will be ready to reconnect so they don’t feel abandoned eg. I need some time by self right now to think over what we have said – how about me meet up in an hour.

Give Your Partner What They Need

• Women are born into a crowded world of other women and due to that and conditioning have a basic need to feel “special”.
• Men are born needing to separate from mother to become men and due to that and conditioning need to feel trusted, believed in and appreciated.
• Women need to feel “special” and men need to feel “appreciated”.
• If you act towards your partner being sensitive to the basic needs you get the joy of giving your partner what they need.

When You Can’t communicate

• Communicating in a relationship is multi-layered. On the top layer are communication skills. These are the practical things you can do to improve communication with your partner which are useful to know and practise.
• You might find through that you get emotionally triggered despite your best efforts to change how you communicate. This is because of the bonding patterns we learnt about how safe it is to connect to others. It’s uncanny how couple’s have matching bonding patterns which are made up from:

  1.What you learnt about what it is to be a man or a woman

  2.What you learnt about relationships

  3.Your experience of love and conflict in your family

  4.What you learnt about power and vulnerability

If you are getting stuck in the same arguments, consider couples counselling in London as a way of giving yourself and your partner the support you need to communicate better and feel emotionally closer. You don’t need to figure it all out yourself.

Richard Cole,UKCP Accredited psychotherapist, works at St Pancras Relationship Counselling, London which offers marriage counselling, couples counselling and marriage advice.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com

If you are dealing with some of the issues explored in this article within your relationship you may find it helpful to work with a therapist:

Book Therapy

In this article I share my experience working as a relationship counsellor with couples where there has been a break of trust. I describe some common themes and how relationship counselling can help.

When I work with couples, I find out some general details about their relationship and then we look at why they have come. Here are some typical issues around affairs, betrayal and break of trust:

• I looked on his email and found he was involved in Internet dating
• I broke into her phone and found a message from her ex lover
• He told me that he met up with and kissed a girl from work
• He just told me that he has been having an affair
• I found out that he slept with someone else while we were engaged
• I discovered that he looks at Internet porn secretively and lied to me about it
• He lied about seeing a female “friend” and we argue about it all the time

The betrayed partners tend to be wondering:

The Betrayed partners tend to be wondering:

• How can we get through this?
• I want to save my marriage but she doesn’t trust me
• It sounds stupid, but I don’t know why I saw this other woman /man
• Has it come to this? Do we need relationship counselling?
• How long before this all goes away and we can back to how it was?
• I feel bad about what I did. I’ve said sorry, yet she keeps going on
• When will she get over it?
• She has lied to me. I don’t think I can get over that. It hurts my pride

Here are some themes that help:

Can we survive this?

Affairs / Betrayals break the bond of trust in a relationship. The emotional crisis and shock that follow naturally press couple to seek support and answers. Relationship counselling provides a framework to hold off making any big decisions so that there is time to work things through. It is not possible at the outset to know the impact of betrayal on a relationship. Many couples do work things through and some don’t. A betrayal does change a relationship. Paradoxically it can make a relationship stronger as you have been forced to really look at what is going on. Trust returns over time, yet instead of blind trust, it’s an informed trust that comes through honest communication.

Wanting to Know the Details

Wanting to know the details in order to understand is an attempt to deal with feelings of hurt. The belief is that if we know all the details then we will feel better. Upto a point it’s only natural to want to know the details. The thing to notice is when going over and over the details is a way of avoiding feeling. It is only through the process of feeling the feelings that peace is found. Relationship counselling can help you express what you are feeling and give you support to trust the process of feeling.

Sometimes I see couples where an affair occurred some time ago. They felt they dealt with it yet the betrayed partner still brings it up. She hurts about it and wants to know ‘Why?”. He is sick of feeling bad about it every time she brings it up. They may have come to see me about something else. The “unresolved” affair is at the root of the issue.

Sometimes couples come when the affair has just been uncovered. They are in crisis and shock. The betrayed partner wants to know the details. The betraying partner tends to cover things up and the details come out drip by drip. It’s a problem. All discussions are about the details. One feels unsafe, the other defensive.

Taking Responsibility and Making Amends

Many men are conditioned to avoid being wrong and consequently avoid conflict. This is true for some women too. When the betraying partners are faced with their wrongdoing and anger/hurt of their partner they feel shame and don’t know how to respond. As a result they can’t remember details, go numb, feel angry, distance, don’t want to talk it or become defensive. The rub is that they need to take responsibility for what they have done. The betraying partners need to find a place of dignity and acceptance of making a mistake. They need stay open, be present to their partner so he/she can work through the feelings. When they can hear their partner’s experience fully and are willing to engage, connection is re-established, their partner feels it and the healing starts.

The Difference between Blind Trust and Informed Trust

A betrayal/Affair means giving up fantasies and illusions about love and relationships and that might involve grieving the loss of blind trust.

When you have been betrayed by your partner it doesn’t make sense to blindly trust them again. You need to move from automatic blind trust to building informed trust. Informed trust is not just there, it something you build and work at together over time.

Blind trust is the belief that love means your partner is always one with you and would never hurt you. Blind trust confuses trust with love and ignores the complexities of relationships and outside factors. Informed trust is a trust that his built by sharing one’s emotional self, by accepting the reality of who the other person is, by honest communication and working together to resolve differences and through having fun together.

An Affair is a Relationship Issue

An affair or betrayal is an attempt at problem solving something that has not been able to be worked though in the relationship. It’s true that the betrayer needs to take responsibility for what they have done. The 2nd step is for both partners to look at what could not be spoken about in the relationship that lead to the affair.

How Relationship Counselling helps

Relationship counselling provides a framework to manage the crisis.

It helps by:

• Giving space to make sense of what has happened
• Slowing down interactions so feelings of anger/hurt can be expressed
• Understanding what was happening in the relationship
• Detoxifying arguments and understanding patterns
• Addressing concerns about trust and what to do
• Re-building connection and trust.

Conclusion

If you have experienced a break of trust. It’s worth going together with your partner to relationship counselling and give yourself time to work things through rather than feeling you must split up or move out. It can feel such a relief to speak about what happened to a relationship counsellor and allow time to process what has happened.

Copyright (2011) Richard Cole

Richard Cole is a relationship counsellor who specialises in working with couples at St Pancras Relationship Counselling and Couples Counselling in London.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com

If you are dealing with some of the issues explored in this article within your relationship you may find it helpful to work with a therapist:

Book Therapy