Sex and Relationships

Anger And Sexual Connection

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 05:10:25 +0100

By Alex Allman revolutionarysex.com If you're a woman reading this, you know all toowell that a man who can share AUTHENTIC intensityand passion in the bedroom is as rare as a naturalblue diamond, and about ten times more desirable.And if you're a man, I'm about to tellyou how you can make your woman feel incrediblylucky.I recently had a conversation with a married coupleabout their sex life and discovered a powerfulconnection that I never saw before… though nowthat I figured it out, I ca...

Making Relationships Work

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 04:00:57 +0100

By Alex Allman revolutionarysex.com If you like "geeking out" on some ofthe deep ideas I talk about in relatingto the opposite sex, and you enjoygetting into the theory behind thepractice of what makes great sex, greatrelationships, and great communication...Then join me and my colleague Bryan Bayerfrom The Authentic World Project for afree, just for fun, teleseminar on Thursdaynight. Details HereHere's a taste of what we are going totalk about...Humans are interesting creatures, andi...

Vulnerability and Great Sex

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 19:49:29 +0100

By Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery In my last post, I wrote about the eight key factors necessary for GREAT sex. One of the factors was vulnerability. Six of the other seven factors required vulnerability as a prerequisite for achieving them. So it seems to me that it would be helpful to write a little about vulnerability, since it’s so vital to having great sex. The ability to be vulnerable means that you are capable of being physically or emotionally wounded. In this case, we are ta...

How to Have Great Sex

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:17:42 +0100

By Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery Last summer a team of scientists published a paper in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. The team had interviewed both individuals having great sex and sex therapists to determine the qualities necessary for what they called “optimal sex”. They identified eight key factors: being present, connection, deep sexual and erotic intimacy, extraordinary communication, interpersonal risk taking and exploration, authenticity, vulnerability and transcendence. ...

The 3 C's of Relationships

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:25:18 +0100

The 3 C's of Relationships by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery I co-hosted a radio show in November with special guest Dr. Adam Sheck, an Imago Relationship Therapist. He and I became friends via Facebook and realized we think alike and often write about the same things at the same time. One of the things we discussed last night was the three C’s of relationships. I thought it would be helpful to share them here. Chemistry. The first C is what initially attracts us to each other in th...

6 Common Marriage Myths

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:23:27 +0100

6 Common Marriage Myths by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery There are six common marriage myths I’ve encountered. These myths are true for the vast majority of all romantic relationships, whether married or cohabitating, gay or straight, young or old. Avoid falling into these traps if you want to have a healthy and happy long term relationship. The Myth of Change. Women (or the more feminine partner regardless of sex) tend to believe that they can change their partner. Men are highl...

In Defense of Orgasms

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:21:46 +0100

In Defense of Orgasms by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery I recently read Peace Between the Sheets by Marnia Robinson. In this book, Robinson proposes that orgasms are bad for your health and your relationship. In the grand scheme of things, I beg to disagree. I agree with some of what she has written. The brain responds to orgasms the same way it responds to addictive chemicals. We can, in effect, become addicted to orgasms. I don’t mean becoming a full fledged sex addict. Instea...

5 Ways to Be a Better Girlfriend

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:19:04 +0100

5 Ways to Be a Better Girlfriend by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery Most of my blogs are directed at women who are in a relationship and are trying to make it better. For a change of pace, I thought I’d address those women who are looking for a new relationship. How can you avoid the mistakes of past relationships? How can you maintain your sense of yourself within a new relationship? What do men really want in a partner, anyways? It’s a lot to cover in one blog, but I’ll give y...

The Single Girl's Guide to the Holidays

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 06:09:59 +0100

The Single Girl's Guide to the Holidays By Karen Salmansohn If enduring your family's barrage of questions regarding your marital state is as much of a holiday tradition as mistletoe and Christmas cookies, you're in luck. This season, when someone asks you why you're not married, offer one of these clever comebacks. If you're single, chances are you've been asked some variation of the following question:"Why aren't you married?"As you already know, you can provide many different answers...

Is Your Relationship Stuck?

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:31:12 +0100

Is Your Relationship Stuck? by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery There are times in the life of a long term relationship when you feel stuck. This doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship; long term relationships have a natural ebb and flow to their energy. Most people don’t really understand that, and as the energy in the relationship ebbs, they fear that the end is near. This can create a self-fulfilling prophesy; as you feel stuck in the relationship, you can begin to lo...

The Third Stage of Relationships

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:49:04 +0100

The Third Stage of Relationships by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery Recently I wrote about a new paradigm for relationships, and lately I’ve been thinking about this Third Stage of relationships. What does it really mean, and how would you recognize it? How is it expressed inside a relationship while life is also swirling around you? Is the third stage some goal to be achieved, or is it always a work in progress? Being in a third stage relationship is an organic process. It’s even a misn...

Changing the Paradigm of Relationships

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:37:56 +0100

Changing the Paradigm of Relationships by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery It’s time to change the paradigm of romantic relationships. We are moving toward what has been called the "Third Stage" in relationships, and I say it’s about time, and an idea long overdue. The first stage in relationships is that of dependence, and often co-dependence. In these relationships, one partner (typically the man, or the more masculine partner) is clearly superior and directs the relationship. This type...

Rediscovering Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:34:18 +0100

Rediscovering Eroticism in Long Term Relationships by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery I recently read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. It is about returning eroticism to long term relationships. One part in particular struck me as deeply true. Perel states, "I suggest that maybe the waning of romance is less about the bounds of familiarity and the weight of reality than it is about fear. Eroticism is risky. People are afraid to allow themselves these moments of idealization an...

Eroticism in the Space Between

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:28:00 +0100

by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery "The Space Between/The tears we cry/Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more/The Space Between/The wicked lies we tell/And hope to keep safe from the pain" the Dave Matthews Band I finished reading Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, by Esther Perel, this past week while on vacation. It was very good, offering a number of different insights into the psychology of relationships. The connecting point between her work and mine can ...

5 Ways to Keep Love Alive

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:24:46 +0100

5 Ways to Keep Love Alive by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery 1. Communicate regularly. There are three types of communication in relationships: informational, disruptive, and connective. Informational communication includes facts or requests like, "We need milk, can you pick some up on your way home?" Disruptive communication happens when we are angry or upset, and leads to a feeling of being disconnected from your partner. It includes "you" language such as, "You never clean up after yoursel...

Communication Breakdown: Actions Speak Louder Than Words (part 5 of 5)

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:17:39 +0100

Communication Breakdown: Actions Speak Louder Than Words (part 5 of 5) by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery From Glamour magazine, 11 Things Guys Just Don’t Understand about Women, it seems that the biggest beef men have with women is that they can’t understand our style of communication. Seriously, six of the eleven things were about communication! Men and women have very different styles of communication. I know, newsflash, right? I’ve been offering some tips to improve communication b...

Communication Breakdown: What’s On Your Mind? (part 4)

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:14:54 +0100

Communication Breakdown: What’s On Your Mind? (part 4 of 5) by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery What’s on your mind? When a woman asks a man that and he says, "nothing" she doesn’t believe him. So she makes up all kinds of stories, or sulks that he doesn’t trust her enough to share his deepest thoughts with her. It’s inconceivable to a woman that her man might actually be thinking about nothing, or at least nothing significant. Listen up ladies, they’re telling the truth! Our brain...

Communication Breakdown (part 3)

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:12:13 +0100

Communication Breakdown: Badmouthing Someone Behind Their Back (part 3) by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery The third thing that men just don’t understand about women is "cattiness" and talking about people behind their back. Nothing shows a guy how insecure a woman is faster than talking badly about someone—especially another woman-- behind their back. And nothing turns a guy off faster than an insecure woman. The only cure for this is maturity. Grow up, figure out the parts of yourself ...

Comunication Breakdown: Mean What You Say (part 2)

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:08:45 +0100

Comunication Breakdown: Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say (part 2) by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery The second major difference in communication styles between men and women is the distinction between direct and indirect communication, specifically when it comes to making and agreeing to a request. Socially, men are conditioned to make direct requests, and to expect those requests to be either honored or rejected. In other words, he asks for something, and receives a clear "yes" or "no"...

Communication Breakdown (part 1 of 5)

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:06:24 +0100

Communication Breakdown (part 1 of 5) by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery From Glamour magazine, 11 Things Guys Just Don’t Understand about Women, it seems that the biggest beef men have with women is that they can’t understand our style of communication. Seriously, six of the eleven things were about communication!Men and women have very different styles of communication. I know, newsflash, right? Let me break it down and offer some tips to improve communication between the sexes. There are...

Are You Having Grown-Up Sex?

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:02:59 +0100

Are You Having Grown-Up Sex? by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery I’ve just begun to read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, and in the introduction he talks about a couple who come to him for counseling. Schnarch is a pioneer in merging marriage therapy with sex therapy, and I’m excited to get deeper into the book. The couple was learning how to connect deeply with each other during sex, and the woman confessed to fantasizing during most of their previous love-making sessions. I flashed...

Why Aren’t You Having Grown-Up Sex?

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:48:49 +0100

Why Aren’t You Having Grown-Up Sex? by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery Recently I wrote about "grown-up sex", or for those of us who maintain a child-like innocence and playfulness, conscious sex. I define grown-up sex is sex that increases your sense of connection to your partner. Grown-up sex is a wild, erotic, and ecstatic adventure. It requires us to be present to our partner and to our own bodies. It requires that we ask for what we need, and give feedback on what we receive. It requires...

Finding Your Self In Relationships

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:36:28 +0100

Finding Your Self In Relationships by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery I often hear complaints from women that they don’t even know who they are anymore. They’ve been married for ten or twenty years, raised children, had careers, and somehow they’ve lost their core sense of self. They think the solution is to leave the relationship to find their true selves. What they are experiencing is emotional fusion, and the cure lies in the process of differentiation. David Schnarch, in Passionate M...

Jealousy in Relationships

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:18:16 +0100

Jealousy in Relationships by Johanna Lyman, Romance Recovery What role does jealousy play in relationships? When someone expresses jealousy in public, it tells me they are deeply insecure. They don’t trust their partner, and they don’t have high self-esteem. It also tells me they don’t have an identity for themselves outside of the relationship. David Schnarch, Ph.D., writes in his book Passionate Marriage, "Jealousy is a form of emotional fusion (for more on emotional fusion, refer to ...

The Wiki-Kama Sutra

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 19:44:19 +0100

The Wiki-Kama Sutra by Vanity Fair These days, if you want something done right, you’ve got to crowd-source it. No mere individual can compete with the creative prowess of a few zillion keyboard jockeys working in tandem. And that’s doubly true when the subject is sex, something any idiot can plausibly claim to know a thing or two about. So, in the spirit of Wikipedia, which in a few short years has done for traveling encyclopedia salesmen what Craigslist did for street-corner pimps, we of...