Many women hold onto this romantic notion that one day a man will come riding over the horizon atop a great white stallion and save them from whatever problems they may face in life. That’s the attitude some men have as well. “She’s my fragile little flower. She won’t succeed in life without my protection and guidance.”

I once dated this crazy woman that came from an abusive home. Although she was gorgeous on the outside, inside she was just an empty shell of a person. She was depressed, moody, and extremely irrational at times. I kept thinking that I could save her. I thought that if I gave her enough love and attention I could somehow fill the dark void inside of her.

What actually happened is that she would drag me down to her level. We’d argue about ridiculous non-issues constantly. She would vent about how life sucks, people suck, and how she’d be better off dead. It was emotionally draining just being around her. She was like an emotional sponge. It was a horribly dysfunctional relationship full of unnecessary drama.

Eventually I realized that not only could I not save her, it wasn’t my responsibility. I’m naturally a jovial, happy person. It finally dawned on me that whenever I was around her, instead of feeling happy and enjoying our time together she would just drag me down. She was literally forcing me to feel as depressed as she felt. I think she gained a perverse pleasure from the chaos she created in the lives of those around her.

A partner should complement you. You should each contribute your own unique strengths and positive qualities to the relationship. A partnership isn’t going to work if one member is putting in all the effort. A successful union requires two equally contributing partners.

I finally realized that it didn’t matter how hot she was or how much I thought I loved her. I couldn’t fix her and being in her presence caused me more pain than pleasure. Eventually I broke up with her. Of course she accused me of being just like all the rest of the horrible men out there and even played the suicide card on me. She tried to guilt trip me into returning to her dark world.

I stayed away from her and have now been dating a wonderful, emotionally healthy woman for over six months. Of course the relationship has its ups and downs just like they all do, but we each contribute equally to its success in our own unique way. And we truly care about each other.
———About the Author———
Never try to save someone from themselves. It’s just not possible. For tips on how to end a relationship visit Zewb.com

Whether a date’s spontaneous or planned, the first or the last date, or you’re young or old, sooner or later, going out with someone comes to this: Somebody has to ask for the date.

No matter how much or how little you plan (and regardless of your reputation, your Aunt Sylvia, the knot in your stomach, the advice of your friends, your New Year’s resolution, or your success with dating or lack thereof) nobody, with the possible exception of Adam, ever made a date without asking for it. I bet that even with God as the go-between, sooner or later Eve expected Adam to pony up and find the courage to ask if they could take a walk in Paradise, and if he didn’t, well, it explains a lot about the snake, don’t you think?

Face it, the only thing scarier than the first date is asking for the first date. But if you can remember that you’re not looking for a cure for cancer, that you won’t die even if he or she says “yes,” and that life as we know it will continue no matter what your potential date’s response, you may relax enough to actually (gulp) ask for a date.

Gazillions of perfectly normal (and lots of less than normal) people have all gotten nervous about asking for a date. You and I and everybody else are connected to a long line of sweating, nervous, stuttering, tongue-tied souls, and even the slick ones feel anxious on the inside about asking for a date. Do you feel better? No? Well, I was afraid of that. Never fear – in this chapter, I tell you some things that should comfort you in the asking, help you in the consummation, and protect you from any possible devastation beyond a teensy pinch on the ego.

Risking Rejection
The First Rule to asking for a date is this: No guts, no glory. The worst-case scenario is that the prospective date says no. At that point, you’re no worse off than you are at this very moment.

Rejection is definitely not fun, but a rejection is only one person’s opinion of you. You don’t like everyone, and not everyone is going to like you. If someone says no, then he or she misses out on getting to know how truly terrific you are.

Rejection can be the beginning of opportunity. Scads of hugely successful people just wouldn’t take no for an answer. Think about Fred Astaire: When he first went to Hollywood, a talent scout wrote, “Big ears, too skinny, big nose, can dance a little.” Many famous beauties and stars in many fields had to cope with someone’s negative opinion of them – nobody hasn’t faced rejection.

Photo by JasonRogers

The question is: Are you going to let it get you down? Of course not! Alexander the Great probably conquered the world by the age of 30 because some shortsighted lass turned him down – maybe because he was too intense or short or something. Maybe that rejection made him want to make more than most

Grecians earn. (It’s a pun; say it out loud – but definitely don’t use it until the fourth or fifth date or after you’re married or your last kid leaves for college or your hearing has gone.)

Rejection means that that person says no but not that everyone will. You need to realize when no is no, when someone’s showing absolutely no interest. If someone consistently says no when you ask for a date, it’s okay to say, “Look, I hear that you’re not interested, and I don’t want to be a pest. If you ever change your mind, here’s my number,” or “I’ll call you in a year,” but then for heaven’s sake, don’t call any sooner than that. With time, the sting really does go away.

Conversely, if you really don’t want to go out with someone, don’t say, “Maybe” or “Call me next week.” Just say, “Thank you for asking, but it’s just not possible.” Remember that the world is a very small place. You may change your mind, or that person you turn down may marry your best friend or be in a position to hire you someday. There is no reason to ever hurt someone whose only sin is being interested in you, so be gentle but firm.

Rejection isn’t gender specific. It’s not any easier for guys to face rejection than it is for women. We’ve just programmed men for power, and asking someone out is boss, even if the whole experience is tinged with fear. Either sex can feel more powerful by taking the initiative and asking someone out.

A brush-off with style
The coolest rejection I ever got was from a guy who told me that he’d just gotten a call from an old girlfriend. He said, “She’s reemerged in my life, and I need to see where it goes. I’ll either marry her and invite you to the wedding, or I’d like to finally put it to rest. No matter what happens, I’d like to be able to call you.” Cool, huh?

Biology has nothing to do with the ability to tolerate possible rejection. Women, if you’ve never asked a guy out, you should do it for your own liberal education. Guys love it. However, they may think you’re hotter to trot (sexually) than you really are, so take that into consideration.

If you’re afraid of rejection, you may miss out on a lot in this life, which is pretty darned short as it is. See if you can put that angst away, take the chip off your shoulder, and go for it.

Improving Your Odds
When asking for a date, having a plan is crucial, but you’ve got to stay a little loose. The more structured you are, the more dependent you are on meshing well with a stranger. Therefore, you need to read the signs, stay loose, and keep things light, flexible, and open. You can seriously improve the chances of getting a yes if you keep these tips in mind when you ask for a date.

Never ask for a first date for a Friday or Saturday night
These two main, big, serious date nights are too important a place to start. Asking for a first date on a Friday or Saturday is like playing at Wimbledon without a tennis lesson or having ever played on grass or at all. Even people who don’t have dates and haven’t had one for ages are often loathe to admit their plight to a stranger (and if you haven’t had a first date, you’re still strangers).

Start off with a Wednesday or Thursday night, which are nights when people generally don’t have much planned. Also avoid Mondays like the plague. Everybody hates Mondays.

Never say, “Would you like to go out sometime?”
If you phrase the invitation like this and the askee says “no,” you’ve left yourself absolutely no out except to be swallowed up by a prayed-for earthquake.

If the person says “yes,” you still have to ask him or her out. Yikes. Instead, be specific. It’s much better to say, “I’d love to see the new exhibit at the museum. Any interest in going either Wednesday or Thursday?” You offer a specific opportunity (as well as alternative days) and at the same time, you give your potential date a great deal of room in which to negotiate without sounding wishy-washy or desperate. Giving specifics also allows your potential date a couple of seconds to think about it, rather than getting caught completely off guard.

Always offer options about the date
Options can include the day, time, activity, and transportation. Options make you sound organized without being bossy or rigid, as long as you keep them limited. Offering a few choices at the outset makes you sound less panicky than you would if you were to offer them after the potential date says no to your initial suggestion.

If you’re specific about the date and your potential date doesn’t like the suggested activity but does like you, you can modify your plan.

Also, although a plan with several separate possibilities requires more work on your part, it offers a better chance of success – and a chance to figure out whether your potential date has any interest in you. After all, if you’ve offered all options regarding place, time, date, activity, and so on and the answer is still no, the problem is as clear as the writing on the wall, and you’ve hit the wall. Take a deep breath and move on. It’s not the end of the world, just this potential date. Scary but efficient.

By offering to meet there, go in separate cars, or pick her up, you instantly show yourself to be considerate, capable, and sensitive to the fact that females have heard horror stories about being abducted by a date and never seen again.Although you’re not Jack the Ripper, understanding that she may feel a little uneasy about being in a car with a stranger makes you a liberated and cool guy for thinking like a modern woman. You will score major points.

In the initial stages of dating, people sometimes want so much to be liked that they agree to things at the expense of their integrity. If your potential date has enough sense to say, “I’d love to do something with you, just not mud wrestling,” then give that person a gold star. Don’t be offended – be pleased. You have just found someone with brains, courage, and honesty.

Remember that timing is everything
Don’t ask for tomorrow or next year. A basic rule is to ask for a first date a week to ten days in advance, but you can break this rule with impunity as the need arises. You can ignore these guidelines if the spirit moves you to be spontaneous. For example, “Hey, got time for an ice cream cone?” can get you an immediate yes; you can also expand this invitation to a “maybe next week” if you get a no.

Now is always a better time to ask than later because your courage may diminish over time. There are some obvious exceptions to this rule: Don’t ask someone who is in a crisis (never ask for a date at a funeral), just getting out of a relationship (never ask for a date at a divorce hearing, even if the person isn’t one of the parties involved; it’s bad karma), or going through any other experience when you may appear to be exploiting a weakness. You need to take the other person’s life situation into account as well.

Always go for it if you’re having a good hair or anything else day
You’re cuter when you’re happy, and self-confidence is sexy. Don’t get into the “well, today is a write-off, I may as well ask, get rejected, and make it a perfect score” mentality. You can tolerate being turned down more easily when you’re feeling strong – not to mention that rejection is a lot less likely.

Asking someone out for a first date isn’t the time to trot out your best anything, including your imagination, checkbook, or best friend. This is a time to think KISS: Keep it Simple, Sweetie. All you want to do here is send a clear and gentle but important message: I’d like to spend some time getting to know you better. Are you interested?

The Invitation: Sending the Message
You have several options when actually asking for the date. The choices may be influenced by circumstances (like distance), personality, and personal style. In general, the closer you are when you ask, the better. When you’re close to the person, you get more information, you appear more courageous, and you get some practice for the date.

Photo by mauren veras

Answering machine etiquette
An answering machine message, unlike an offthe- cuff remark or rumor or discussion, can be saved and replayed and misinterpreted and overanalyzed and overreacted to and thrown back in your face. Not only that, but you never know who’s going to be listening on the other end. Here are six messages never to leave on a date’s machine:
1. You’re the best I’ve ever had.
2. I never want to see you again.
3. It’s me. Give me a call.
4. Next time, we’ll go out.
5. Your mother is hot.
6 Can I have your friend’s phone number?

You can adapt any of the following methods for sending the message to your level of comfort. But be careful that you’re not hiding behind your comfort level – sooner or later, you’re going to have to get out there and actually date.

1. Asking in person: When possible, this is the best way to ask by far because seeing the person face-to-face gives you the most information. You can read body language and see whether the potential date looks pleased, terrified, God-forbid-revolted, or delighted. Based on the other person’s reaction, you can then modify your behavior accordingly or run. The disadvantage with asking in person is that it’s also the scariest for the exact same reasons. But it’s still preferred and also the friendliest technique.

2. Asking on the phone: This method gives you less information, but if you get panicky, you can always hang up before they answer (although caller ID has made hanging up without saying anything a great deal trickier). When you ask over the phone, nobody can see your palms sweating; but then again, you also can’t see your potential date’s reaction.

Never ask an answering machine for a date. It’s cowardly, sends the wrong message (you’re manipulating them by making them call back before you ask them out), and occasionally, the machine actually eats the message. You never know if your potential date got the message or if it was intercepted by a protective parent, a jealous ex, a careless roommate, or the Fates.

3. Asking through a third party: In elementary school, you may have asked your best friend to ask her best friend if someone liked you. You may have even eventually gotten an answer, but after Suzy told Peter, and Peter told you, were you really 100 percent sure about the answer? Third parties are a very unreliable method of information flow. When other people get involved, sometimes they add their two cents to your message. For example, what if your best friend liked me and wanted you to ask me if I’d go out on a date with him? Can you see lots of room for sabotage and miscommunication?

Remember the story of our Pilgrim forefathers, John Alden and Miles Standish? Miles was the governor who asked his best friend John to intercede on his behalf with Priscilla Mullens. Priscilla decided she liked the messenger, and Miles was left out in the cold. Don’t ask somebody else to ask for your date. The messenger may end up taking your potential date, and then not only do you still need a date but you also need a new friend.

4. Asking with a note: Even though computers have made notes faster and sexier, notes don’t offer you much information and feedback, whether they’re e-mail or snail mail (through the post office). When you ask with a note, you also don’t know the mood your potential date may be in. In addition, a note opens the opportunity for interception, misinterpretation, a delay in feedback, and a lack of flexibility. Ask anybody who’s asked for an RSVP to a written invitation, and you begin to understand the problem with asking for a date through a note. If you’re absolutely determined to ask for a date in writing, I suggest a handwritten note via the post office because it’s classier and implies more effort and concern.

A brief note here on sending a note with flowers, cigars, wine, a baseball hat, a ticket, or any gift: Sending gifts with the note is cute but tricky. You don’t want to appear to be bribing your potential date on the first date. Gifts can be a token of respect and admiration and are okay and even valuable as you’re getting to know each other, but they can be too much too soon. Besides, you don’t want to have to top yourself later and end up buying your potential date a small country by the fourth date. Start out simply.

Getting an Answer
Okey, dokey – you’ve made plans, offered options, and asked for a date. Now what? Well, either the answer is yes, you have a date, or no, you don’t. If the answer is yes, you’re flying and ready to go on to planning the old date-aroony.

Photo by kk+

Dealing with a no
If the answer is no, you have nothing to lose by asking if another day, place, time, or event would suit them. Listen to the response carefully. Often people really are tied up working late, taking care of a sick parent, getting out of a relationship, studying, or being distracted and would be willing to consider an invitation in the future, just not now.

If you’re feeling brave, you can say, “If not now, how soon?” If you’re feeling a bit vulnerable, you can say, “Let me give you my number, and you can give me a call when you’re ready.” The middle ground is to say, “Why don’t I give you a holler in a week or two and see how you’re doing?” If your potential date says fine, then do it. If he or she says “I’ll call you,” don’t hold your breath. Who needs to turn blue?

Getting some feedback
If you get a no, you may want to take a minute to try to figure out why. Make sure you haven’t gotten into some bad habits. You may need to ask yourself some tough questions. Are you too eager, too desperate, too whiny, too silly, or too tense? Is your breath okay? Do you make eye contact?

No matter how honest you think you are, give yourself some balance by asking a willing friend to critique your approach (you’ve seen it in a million movies where the hero or heroine practices in front of a mirror – no, not Travis Bickle’s “You lookin’ at me?” line). Balance your friend’s feedback with your own opinion so that you’re not being too easy or too harsh on yourself. If you mess up your careful scenario, your friend can give you some tips and hints on improving it, and you can make sense of what you meant to say or do.

Practicing can help you get a grip on your nerves. A little nervousness is flattering to the potential date because it shows that you really want to get to know him or her. Too much nervousness can panic both of you. All things considered, it’s probably even better to be a little bit nervous than so nonchalant and cool that your potential date has the sense you couldn’t care less if he or she accepts your invitation or not, because if he or she isn’t interested, no biggie, it’s not them, you’ll just move on to someone else. It’s not a terrible idea to start a first date on an honest basis. I know – don’t tell anybody I told you, and we’ll try to keep it our dirty little secret.

This Dating Tips is very insightful — it makes the reader feel that he or she is no
longer alone in the challenging world of dating.

Photo by Gabu-chan

Article by William Logan

Are you ready to bring your girl to orgasm with these four simple steps? Read on and follow along…

1. Get Prepared:Women need to feel comfortable in their surroundings in order to relax and make it even POSSIBLE to ‘get in the mood’. Start things off by creating an environment that will let her unwind and relax. Think wine, candles, soothing music…
2. Get Things Started and Give Her a Massage:As she eases into her comfort, give her a massage. Rubbing her feet typically works best, but her neck and back work almost as well. Don’t be shy; the more relaxed she is the better.
3. Turn things up and Finding the G-Spot:You have to remember, TAKE YOUR TIME! You want to go at HER pace. Once she’s warmed up, she will be begging you to continue. Once it’s all clear, insert your middle finger in her (wet by now!) vagina about 1-3 inches and make the ‘come here’ motion. Try up and down as well as side to side movements – watch how she reacts so you’ll know where the ‘spot‘ is…
4. Stimulating the G-Spot and then Cooling Down:Once you have found her sweet spot, again TAKE YOUR TIME. You’ll feel the spongy spot start to swell if you are on target. This is the time that you need to pay attention to her the most. Read her body language; her breathing, panting and moaning. If you are doing something right, don’t you DARE stop!

Do not be disappointed if she does not have an orgasm from G-Spot stimulation alone. Definitely massage her clitoris with your other hand or tongue and see what she likes. Don’t put pressure on her in any way. At the very least, all of this will feel GREAT and you will learn what it takes to make her turn her on.

BBC – too busy for sex?

With all the demands of modern life many couples can find it hard to schedule in time to have sex. To nurture this vital part of your relationship, says psychosexual therapist Paula Hall, you need to dispense with a few bedroom myths and make time to make love.

Sex in the early days

When you meet someone and fall in love, your whole life revolves around getting to know them better, particularly their body. After a while, however, you realise love won’t pay the bills and you settle down to ‘normal’ life.

This is generally when sex becomes something you do at night in bed – preferably before you fall asleep. But, after a hard day’s graft, sometimes there just isn’t enough energy left.
Quality not quantity

At this stage, quality becomes more important than quantity. When you’re having sex as often as you like, it doesn’t really matter if you have the odd unsatisfactory encounter. But if you’re only managing it once a week – if you’re lucky – you need make the most of it. Which means making sure you’re not hanging on to any unrealistic expectations.
Sex and spontaneity

It’s a myth that sex is better when it’s spontaneous. That holiday you’ve been looking forward to for the past six months – would it have been more enjoyable without any planning? Not necessarily. In fact, on the contrary, it might have been a disaster. Although a surprise sex session can be fantastic, planning builds anticipation. And anticipation builds arousal.

If you have kids or you work long hours, you’ll probably need to schedule in time for sex. This means you can make sure you feel your sexiest by planning what to wear and taking a relaxing bath or shower. You can also spend days teasing each other with what you’ve got planned for when the time comes.

Taking turns

Another myth is that sex should be entirely mutual at all times. Apparently, you should caress one another at exactly the same moment, fuelling passion in perfect synch. But that’s a bit like patting your head and rubbing your stomach. Yes, it’s possible, but it means you can’t concentrate properly on either activity. How can you focus your attention fully on giving pleasure at the same time as luxuriating in the sensation of being touched? It’s not possible. Someone will miss out.

So take it in turns. Enjoy the look on your partner’s face as you build them into a frenzy of sexual excitement. Then relax and enjoy when it’s your turn. Mutual sex is great for a quick one. But if you have to plan the time together, use it to the full.

Start talking

Some people believe good sex should be instinctive. If you really love your partner, they say, and if you’re really in tune with them, you’ll know exactly how they like to be touched. Your bodies will writhe in mutual passion without a word being uttered.

For some reason, sex is the one arena where we expect our partners to read our minds. Rather than simply saying a word or two about what we like or don’t, we go to extraordinary lengths to give encouragement by groaning and moaning at exactly the right moment. The opportunity for miscommunication with this method is huge.

Rather than gambling with your sexual satisfaction, start talking. You’ll find it builds far more intimacy than a silent romantic failure. And it’s not just in the midst of an ecstactic encounter that it’s good to talk. Next time you realise you haven’t had sex for weeks, get your diaries out and make a date. And as the date gets nearer, talk about what you’re going to do to each other and how you’re going to make sure it’s a night (or day) to remember. For more ideas see Make a date

Tips for talking

* Whoever is doing the touching should do most of the talking
* Next time you’re caressing your partner, ask for feedback. Would they like it harder or softer? Longer or shorter strokes? Up a bit or down a bit?

Reasons to make time for sex

Still not convinced it’s worth pencilling in a bedroom session? Research shows that regular sex can make you feel and look healthier. When you make love, your body releases substances in the brain that reduce stress and anxiety. It also produces chemicals that create stronger feelings of affection between couples; stimulates growth hormones that reduce fatty tissue and increase lean muscle; and burns off more than 100 calories per hour.

When things are not going well in a sexual and romantic relationship, it can really help if both partners try to understand why. If you are in a relationship that’s in trouble, ask yourself the following questions.

* What do you each want out of the relationship? Are you getting it?

* Are you about to leave your partner? Or do you still enjoy your life together?

* Are you ready to sacrifice time and energy to make your relationship work again?

* Do you still love each other?

Your answers to these questions will help you pinpoint the extent of the problem and your expectations for change.

While every couple is different, below are some common causes of relationship difficulties and ways to tackle. However, it’s unlikely things will improve if both partners aren’t prepared to work through the issues.

Part 1: How can you improve your relationship?

Stop the blame game

When things are going badly, couples tend to ask who is at fault and which of them is to blame. Neither of these questions are helpful.

It’s better by far for both partners to accept that they share joint responsibility for the relationship, and to agree that when they are having problems they should work at them together.

Find time to work on your relationship

In today’s busy, modern world, you need to find time for each other. This is not easy if you both have hectic careers, and becomes even more difficult when you have children.

But if you have established a will to make things better, then you need to look at your joint schedules and find time when you can be together.

If you don’t find time, improvement will be slow or non-existent.

As a therapist, I often take calls from couples who want to come for therapy to improve aspects of their relationship, but who then cannot find a mutually convenient time to fit in an appointment. This is ludicrous.

It suggests both the relationship and the work needed on it is a low priority.

If you can make time to talk and to be together, you may well overcome your difficulties.

Change the way you communicate

Frequently, couples stop making an effort with each other. They may insult each other or take each other for granted.

Suppose the door bell rings. One partner may yell at the other: ‘Get that will you?’ It doesn’t take much effort to add the word ‘please’ or to ask in a different way, such as: ‘Would you mind answering the door?’

This may sound a small point, and maybe an old-fashioned one, but when couples bellow demands at each other, it sounds abrasive and disrespectful.

When aggression becomes a habit, it can seriously damage the romance in a relationship.

Dr Jack Dominian is a psychiatrist who has had a long and distinguished career in the treatment of relationship problems. He says a couple should eliminate one phrase from their vocabulary: ‘the trouble with you is…’.

I would add that sarcasm is unpleasant and unproductive. It invariably leads to one partner feeling ‘put down’, which isn’t a good emotional state for a healthy relationship.

The key thing here is that you should make sure you show each other the respect that you did when you first met.

Make an effort for each other

Lack of respect can also be shown in appearances. It’s very sad that couples often stop making an effort with how they look.

A small thing like changing work clothes for something brighter for dinner – and the woman putting on some make-up and the man having a shave – can transform a routine evening into more of an occasion.

Try the 10-minute rule

Men often say: ‘She just wants to go on and on about things, and it drives me mad.’ While women say: ‘We never talk.’ Both parties cannot be right!

If you and your partner are struggling to discuss the things that matter to you both, it’s a good idea to deploy the 10-minute rule.

o One partner has his or her say for 10 minutes. During this time the other partner listens and does not interrupt.

o After 10 minutes, the second partner takes the floor for 10 minutes. Men, in particular, appreciate the chance to have their say without interruption and with the guarantee that the conversation will not go on all night.

o After both of you have had your say, have a further 10 minutes between you.

o The whole discussion should be over in 30 minutes.

o If both parties agree to carry on with the conversation, that’s fine, but it should never go on for more than an hour.

If you both know that you have limited time, you will be more concise, and hopefully spare each other any histrionic behaviour.

So, simple things like talking to each other with respect, being smart and fragrant for your partner and using the 10-minute rule can give a big lift to your relationship. But what else is there?

Have an evening out

Try to have one evening out per week, just the two of you. If you have children this is more difficult to arrange, but it’s not impossible. And when you have this ‘date’, avoid talking about your offspring or work.

Socialise as a couple

Another good thing to do is to make sure that you get some friends round on a regular basis, even if it’s just for a takeaway or supper round the kitchen table.

You’ll have a good laugh, and if these friends have known you since the beginning of your relationship, it will remind you of happier days and you’ll feel younger and more carefree.

Call in the professionals

If your relationship is in real trouble and none of the above suggestions help significantly, you might want to consider having some relationship therapy.

The obvious place to go for this in the UK is Relate, who offer low-cost, face-to-face counselling. Additionally, they offer email or phone counselling.

No matter where you live in the UK, there is likely to be a branch of Relate near you.

You can also opt to go to a private therapist. This will cost more, but usually allow you to be more in control of when you go, how many sessions you have and so on.

Part 2: How can you improve your sex life?

Look at the whole relationship

It is unlikely that a sex life in trouble will improve greatly if work is not put in on the whole relationship.

Of course, there are times when both partners may be steamed up and the sex works wonderfully. But apart from these spontaneous and happy times, couples often complain that they don’t make love as much as they did, or that one or both partners have lost the urge.

Increasingly we are seeing couples – men as well as women – who have little interest in sex. Fatigue is often the main culprit here. Many people now work such long hours that they feel permanently exhausted.

Often a loss of libido can be about resentment or a pervading sense of unhappiness with the relationship itself.

For example, a man may lose interest in sex if the woman is very aggressive in bed or out, nags him to do better sexually, or if she keeps complaining that he doesn’t do his share of the housework.

And a woman may feel a lack of interest sexually for similar reasons, including a perception that her man never says he loves her unless he wants sex.

So, I cannot emphasise enough that before you look at your sex life, you should look more generally at your relationship.

Having done that, there are plenty of ways in which you can liven up your sex life.

o You might want to take turns in running the sex session. In other words, the man may make all the suggestions one night and the woman another. This often leads to much greater variety.

o A short break away is always a good bet for enlivening a relationship. I did a survey once in which 96 per cent of women told me they felt sexier when they were on holiday – even just a short weekend break.

o You might use fantasies, always supposing that the same sorts of things turn you on.

o You might read erotica to each other before, or even during, sex.

o Some couples enjoy porn together – usually videos of attractive couples making love.

o Some couples like to dress up or to use vibrators or other sex toys. They might also enjoy reading sex manuals on different sexual positions, or dressing up in sexy lingerie.

There are some very good sex shops online that are attractive to women and cater for all these sorts of products. Some of the best are:

o Gash

o Passion 8

o Sh!

o Tickled.

What if one of us has a medical problem that’s stopping sex?

The above advice assumes that neither partner has a serious sex problem such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, pain during intercourse or difficulty getting an erection.

If you have a problem that makes sex difficult, there are therapists who can help and there are articles on all these conditions elsewhere on this website.

When to seek professional help

If you think your sex-life has become stale and boring, and none of the above suggestions appeal, you might also benefit from some sex therapy.

Some therapists specialise in helping couples by teaching them techniques where intercourse is banned for a while so that the couple can enjoy touching, stroking and other forms of love play. This can have a dramatic effect on a flagging relationship.

If you want to contact a specialist in sex and relationship therapy, go to someone properly qualified such as:

o a Relate counsellor who is trained in psychosexual matters

o a private therapist who is a fully accredited member of the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy

o a doctor who is a member of the Institute of Psychosexual Medicine.

My partner’s had an affair

Finally, you may be reading this article because one of you has had an affair, and you are now trying to rebuild your relationship in and out of bed.

This will be a rocky time for you, so some Relate or other relationship counselling could prove beneficial.

You need to rebuild trust too, so please realise that things are unlikely to improve instantly. These things take time, but are well worth working at.

For her:

* Relax
If you spend lots of time giving him oral sex, it’s only fair that he should do something pleasant for you too. It’s your turn to be spoiled, so just relax and enjoy it.

* Keep it clean
By clean, we mean having a daily shower and using unperfumed mild soap. A healthy vagina has a natural mild musky smell, but don’t let pathetic playground stories upset you. It doesn’t smell like rotting fish down there, so don’t feel self-conscious.

* Play fair
If you want your man to go down on you, just ask him to. If you feel a bit shy, try getting into bed upside down – he’ll probably get the message. If he really isn’t in the mood, or the idea upsets him, just respect his decision and don’t try to force the issue. There is nothing wrong with having oral sex during a period, but a lot of men really don’t like doing it at that time of the month.

* Communicate
Let him know how much you like what he’s doing. If he hasn’t quite got the hang of it, gently suggest a different way of doing things, and be sure to tell him when he’s getting it right.

For you:

* Easy tiger
Don’t just go barging in down there. Take your time, and make sure you are both feeling turned on before you venture south. If you aren’t used to giving head, don’t expect to bring her to a climax in seconds flat. And if you have bad stubble on your chin, forget it; no girl wants razor burns in such a sensitive place.

* Ask what she likes
You don’t necessarily have to go down on her for several hours – just a few minutes of oral sex can do wonders for your foreplay. Ask her what feels good and if there’s anything that would make it better. Make sure you are both in a comfortable position, or you’ll end up with an unsexy crick in your neck.

* No magic formulas
Every female is different. There is no point in rigidly following those ‘Ten Easy Steps to Give Her an Oral Orgasm’ articles in lads’ mags. It isn’t like an exam, with right and wrong answers. Sometimes you have to experiment to see what works for both of you.

* Start gently
Many women say that oral sex gives them more stimulation than penetration. So remember to take it easy and avoid being rough, especially to begin with. Look where you are going too. Gently part the outer lips of the vagina and look for the vaginal opening, and the hooded clitoris above it. These are the most pleasurable areas to stimulate, and are the key to giving the best head. Thrusting a tongue in and out of the vagina might feel good for a moment or two, but it won’t be enough to tip her over the edge.

* Work it
Try kissing and licking anywhere between her thighs to turn her on. Move on to the clitoris, starting with gentle licking or sucking. Get her to tell you what motion feels the best, what speed and what pressure turn her on the most. Try it with a relaxed, soft tongue, and change to a firmer, pointed tongue. Some women love an up-and-down licking motion, others like it to go from side to side (like a windscreen wiper), and others still like a circular or pressing-down motion.

* Patience, patience
When you have found something that works well, keep on doing it! Take a break if you need one, but avoid stopping suddenly because it can be very frustrating for the woman. Ask if she wants you to use your fingers as well. If she says ‘yes’, make sure they are wet before you start moving them around on her clit or inside her.

* Practice makes perfect
Even if you are both very experienced lovers, it can take a long time to bring the woman to orgasm, so don’t stress out, and keep practicing if that’s what you’re aiming for. It’s worth the effort, and she will most likely be happy to return the favour.

The Site – What’s the secret to giving and receiving great head? Here’s what you can do for the man in your life, making sure it’s good for you both.

For him:

* Keep it clean
Anyone who’s gone down on an uncircumcised penis will tell you that there’s nothing worse in this world than an unwashed dick. Smegma bacillus, or knob cheese, is a waxy white deposit naturally secreted by the penis glands. Failure to wash underneath the foreskin can lead to smelly bacterial growth, not to mention serious problems securing a blow job. Keep it clean using unperfumed soap and water. Also be sure to dry the head thoroughly afterwards to prevent bacteria from thriving.

* Don’t force the issue
So you’re sharing an intimate moment. You’re both turned on like the National Grid, and sex is on the cards. So guys, don’t ruin the moment by placing your palm on the crown of her head and slowly pressing. If she feels comfortable going down there, she’ll venture south on her own accord. As so many women have told us, there’s nothing worse than a bloke who expects a blow job.

* Be fair
If your partner does feel comfortable with oral sex, then consider returning the gesture – male or female. The more you share, the more rewarding it’ll be for you both.

* Praise the performance
Tempting as it is to lie back with your eyes squeezed tightly shut, your partner will appreciate some recognition for their efforts. Be encouraging. Be respectful. Be the one who leaves them feeling as good as you.

* Leave them to call the shots
Just because your partner has consented to give you a blow job, don’t assume it means they want to go all the way. It may be a dream come true for you, but not if it leaves them gagging or nauseous. So talk it through with them, even if it is a running commentary. If you’re about to ejaculate then tell them, or at least signal that it’s about to happen. Always let your partner decide whether to stay down there for the main event.

For you:

* Blow his mind
If you’re happy to go down, don’t lose sight of what’s going on upstairs in his head. Frankly, you’re tugging at his brains down there, so you need to pick up on every moan or groan he gives. The better you understand each other, however, the more comfortable you’ll feel.

* Take control
Many people gag at the idea of going down on a dick. Even if it’s clean as a whistle, there’s always the fear he’ll forget himself, leaving you to deal with an out of control organ with no apparent off-switch. TheSite suggests you grip his penis head as you approach it, and hold it there in a ring formed by your thumb and forefinger. Once he’s in, feel free to place your hands around the penis shaft. This gives you control, allowing you to determine how much you want to take into your mouth.

* Use your mouth
What goes on when you’re down there is entirely up to you. Some women use their mouth as if it were a hoover. Others employ their tongue to great effect. Many do a combination of both. Just be aware that there is no industry standard. Do whatever feels comfortable, and gives you both the greatest satisfaction. Kissing. Nibbling. Even humming a note with his head in your mouth. Whatever you do, he won’t complain!

* Take a breather
Giving head is not an endurance test. You are doing it to him, and not the other way round, so if you want to come up for air then do so. If anything, it’ll give him time out to appreciate what you’re doing.

* Ball control
If the male penis is a motor, his balls are the gear shift. Gently cupping his testicles will widen the area of sexual pleasure for him, and can even intensify his orgasm.

* Ultimate control!
Even if he’s reached the moment of no return, never feel obliged to let him climax in your mouth. It’s your decision, and is entirely determined by how comfortable you feel with it. If you want to swallow, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s fine too. If you’d rather take his penis out of your mouth then the same sentiment applies. Whether you choose to go down for a second or so, a minute or more, or all the way to the end, no blow job is ever incomplete. Nor is it a compulsory act, and he shouldn’t think any less of you if you choose to keep your head held high!

Some people are reluctant to try oral sex, or even to suggest it, because they fear rejection. Disgust also plays a part, as lots of men and women are brought up to consider their genitals to be unsavoury.

Women might be convinced their partners will find their labia too big, too wrinkled or too hairy; men, that they’ll be laughed at for not being sufficiently big, upright or straight.

Both may be scared the other will object to the smell or the taste, and that they’ll feel vulnerable if they surrender themselves to being given pleasure by their partner.

But the truth is that many people would really like to offer to perform oral sex for their partner.
What makes oral sex so appealing?

The fact that this form of pleasure is still seen by some as forbidden, and even a bit dirty, adds excitement. When your partner chooses to be in such intimate contact, it’s like being told that, far from being unattractive, you’re good enough and special enough to eat. It can feel like the ultimate expression of acceptance.

There’s something irresistible about being treated in this way. Even though you can do it to each other at the same time, it’s usually a case of one person lying back and having all their desires and needs attended to.

The mouth, lips and tongue have a dynamite combination of flexibility and softness that can’t help but please. You can kiss, lick, suck or nibble. Some people prefer gentle movements; others prefer firmer attention. It’s up to you to discover your particular preferences together.
Talk about it

Discussing your concerns with your partner can really help. For example, if one person is happy to perform oral sex but refuses to receive it, the other might end up feeling guilty, because he’s unable to return the pleasure he experiences to his partner, as well as rejected and untrusted.

Of course, it could be that the first partner is afraid to let him see, taste, smell and touch her, and perhaps simply needs to hear in no uncertain terms, “I love your body. I’d give anything to taste you.”
Don’t cover up

If you’d like to try oral sex with your partner, it’s only courteous to make sure you’re clean first. But don’t forget that the natural taste and smell of your body may well be what attracts them the most, so don’t cover up with perfumes or deodorant.

Many people are turned on by the sight, taste and smell of their partner’s most intimate parts. If it’s a new partner, it’s advisable to use a condom or dental dam (thin latex that lines the mouth) to screen secretions and prevent infection.
If you feel embarrassed

Try it after a bath or shower. When you’re clean and fresh, you’ll feel more comfortable. Worried about the way you look? Dimming the lights and lighting candles can boost your confidence.
Names for oral sex

* Oral sex is often known as a soixante neuf or sixty-nine, because of the shape two bodies make when lying mouth-to-genitals.

* When one person performs oral sex on another, this is sometimes called a ‘sixty-eight’ (“You do me and I’ll owe you one”).

* Stimulation of the vagina with the mouth is called cunnilingus; stimulation of the penis with the mouth is called fellatio.

What not to do

Although oral sex is known as a ‘blow job’, the one thing you should never do is blow into your partner’s body. You could cause an embolism (obstruction of an artery by an air bubble) or infection. But many people like their partner to blow gently on skin made damp by licking.

The site – It won’t make you go blind, and actually, most people partake in the odd five knuckle shuffle from time to time.

What’s so shameful about wanking?

Masturbation is basically the act of stimulating the sexual organs for pleasure. It isn’t compulsory, nor is it a criminal offence (unless you’re doing it through your pockets in the dinner queue or something). Even so, a lot of people enjoy the pleasure to be had from masturbating – male and female, regardless of whether they’re in a relationship.

The trouble is very few people ever admit to cracking one off in private, and as a result a lot of guilt, anxiety, myth and misunderstanding surrounds the practice.

Masturbation myths

Along with the misplaced belief that you’ll go blind or mad, the most common and destructive misconception is that those who like to ‘dip their hand in the till’ will somehow be marked down as lesser human beings. That’s why it’s important not to lose sight of the fact that masturbating can be a healthy way to explore fantasies and/or release sexual tension – so long as nobody gets hurt and small animals aren’t maimed in the process. But in no way does it mean you’re unable to form a relationship (other than with your own hand). If anything, being open and relaxed about the whole issue just shows you’re switched on sexually and comfortable with what makes you tick.

Yeah, but I got caught

Uh-oh! Well, there are worse things that could’ve happened, not that we can think of any. Whatever the circumstances in which you were outed, your best bet is to hold your head up high (the one on your shoulders) and just take it on the chin. It won’t be easy, and you’re bound to get some flack, but if you can show it’s no big deal for you (and even laugh with them) people will soon move on. Most of all, remember that you’re not alone.

“Because I’m always scared of someone walking in on me, I tend to masturbate fully clothed (unless I’m in the shower),” reveals Sarah, 18. “So one day when I heard my sister knock on the door I quickly turned my vibrator off and pulled it out. I thought I was safe. Then the stupid thing turned itself back on (very sensitive on/off button) while she was talking to me. I was horrified.”

“Once my Grandad walked into the room when I was in my boxers,” says Marcus, 22. “Luckily I have a huge desk to hide under. We had a five-minute talk before he left, then finished up. The scary thing was that I managed to hide all the porn that was on my two big-ass monitors.”

“My Dad caught me as he fleetingly glanced through the bedroom window. He then proceeded to move on as if he hadn’t noticed and banged on the window,” recalls an embarrassed Matt, 20. “But he was cool – he came in later that night and reminded me about discretion and keeping the curtains drawn properly. He proceeded to join me in having a read of my porn mags. For an old man who’s 40 years older than me he can be awesomely cool.”

“My Dad walked in on me once while I was having a ‘hand crank’ and I was spurting as he came in. He did a quick U-turn and walked out,” says David, 17. “I could hardly look at him for months after that. The very first time I ever wanked (which should have been a wonderful, private voyage of personal discovery) my female cousin walked in. Needless to say, she made her excuses and left.”

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