Ivan Chan's feed

How to change your relationship

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 06:22:23 +0000

There's a saying that change is three steps forward and two steps back. This is sometimes used to illustrate the difficulty we have in changing, but it can also be used to soothe the change-frustrated person who...

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk? Part III: This time it's (not) personal

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 07:44:31 +0000

It's normal to feel concern for your friends, families, and even strangers. This is what glues the human race together: we need, crave, and nurture connections among ourselves.Our concern for each other can become a problem if...

Supple or brittle? Assuming resilience vs. fragility

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 07:34:53 +0000

The comedian George Lopez once said, “Our children would never survive our childhood!”In light of what we have learned about trauma, the consequences of bullying, and not using plastic bags as toys for children, we have grown...

How to stay connected during travel

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 07:08:21 +0000

Many people enjoy travel--the preparation, the transportation, the lodging, the novel experiences, and the return home.Traveling with others can also be a source of enjoyment, especially when the traveling companion is someone we like to be around...

The Power of Oops

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 06:50:00 +0000

Have you ever felt like you had to know how to do everything even before you knew it?Or you felt pressured to get something done right the first time you try it?Or maybe when you make a mistake...

How to talk about the hurt

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 07:40:22 +0000

Hi Ivan,My mother and I had a lot of conflicts when I was growing up, mainly due to her having Bipolar Disorder which was undiagnosed and untreated until my late teens. She has said and done extremely...

I'm sticking with you?

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 06:19:00 +0000

Hi Ivan,Is less attachment to your significant other a good thing? Healthier than an ultra-attached relationship? Or if one feels less emotionally attached to their current significant other compared with one in the past, is it a sign...

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk? Part II: Black-and-white thinking

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 01:08:29 +0000

Black-and-white thinking, also known as "splitting" in psychology, involves framing the world, people, and our choices into two distinct categories. It's either good or bad, all or nothing, and there isn't...

Feeling safe enough to be you

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Tue, 11 May 2010 07:36:00 +0000

Hi Ivan,My dear friend is great at pointing out areas I need to work on. A year ago, my self esteem was low, and I often put on a front or a "mask" to hide it from...

Finding the strength to say "no"

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Sat, 01 May 2010 03:33:00 +0000

Hi Ivan, I've been enjoying all of your articles and have been thinking about your last two articles on boundaries. The last two relationships I had were good in many ways but both men were horrible...

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk? Part I: Mindreading

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 18:31:00 +0000

Do you or someone you know say things like, "I know what you're thinking" or "you're feeling __________ (fill in the blank with any emotion)"? Sometimes, we can be right about what we...

The fine art of saving face

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 08:53:00 +0000

Hi Ivan,I recently had a change of plans and now need to re-declare to my manager that I am not leaving my job in 6 months but in a year and a half!How do I do...

What to do when someone crosses the line

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:19:00 +0000

Boundaries let us know where we end and someone else begins. They are like invisible fences that separate "self" from "other." When your boundaries are crossed by someone, you may feel angry, frustrated, scared, hurt...

Good boundaries make good relationships

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:02:00 +0000

When it comes to people and their relationships, boundaries are the invisible fences with gates that decide who and what has our permission to come into our lives. We all have boundaries, and there three basic types.&nbsp...

Investing in compliments

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 22:24:00 +0000

The idea of "paying a compliment" suggests that a compliment is something given away, or that may cost us something. The truth is, a sincere and honest compliment, in action and in word, is an investment--something...

How to get along in interracial relationships

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:20:00 +0000

When speaking of interracial relationships, it's helpful to think of them in terms of "cross-cultural relationships." We all come from various cultures, which means we all grew up with different rules of behavior, beliefs, and...

Interracial relationships

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:42:00 +0000

People marry for different reasons, and there are different configurations of marriages. In some cultures, one man may marry several women; in others, one woman may marry several men. Marriages can be arranged or a DIY project; they can...

The difference between advice, counseling, and therapy

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:03:00 +0000

Advice, counseling, and therapy (specifically psychotherapy), are not the same things, and if you're planning on improving the relationships in your life, it's important to get these terms straight so you'll actually get what you want. &nbsp...

Loving someone with mental illness

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 17:48:00 +0000

Hi Ivan, I have been dating a Deaf person who claims to be schizophrenic and I am not sure how to respond to this. Is this person able to "hear" voices? If so, what is the proper...

Mixed messages mess with minds

Ivan Chan, SF Relationship Advice Examiner — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 22:18:00 +0000

Clear communication can be challenging. When we want to say something, a swirl of emotions could complicate our message so that we end up expressing contradictory things. When your partner wants to go out with friends and you...