Shackleford Hurtmore's World

Commercial Space Flight

2012-01-26T18:07:00.000-08:00

So when this finally happens, what value of g are they going to use to work out the baggage allowances?

At The Beach

2012-01-25T20:15:00.001-08:00

Cause mirth and amusement at the beach, by putting PVA glue into an empty sunblock bottle.

Annoying coworker #4017

2012-01-22T15:31:00.000-08:00

What he lacks in quality, he sure makes up for with quantity.

Fixing PCs

2012-01-19T23:34:00.000-08:00

I suspect that fixing computers is the only job in the world where people feel it is acceptable to invade your personal space while you are working.

Guess what? You can see the monitor perfectly fine from 30cm over there. I don't want your dandruff on my shoulder. Thank you.

House Rules

2012-01-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

I've been teaching my kids about the Occupy movement by playing "The 1% Monopoly". Anytime you pass Go and are the player with the most money, you get to "lobby government" to change any existing rule in your favour. There has been a lot of crying, and I had to pepper spray my youngest when he complained it wasn't fair and refused to roll the dice, but I think the kids are learning a valuable life lesson.

(Inspired by this awesome cartoon. The first panel made me spray my cup of tea, twice.)

2012 - The Year Of The Proclaimers

2012-01-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

It seems to be the time of year for people to make resolutions or plan a special theme for their blog. Forget the Mayans, mine is going to be "The Year of The Proclaimers".

Yes, those Proclaimers.

This means I will attempt to improve my life in several ways.

Health: My current job is fairly sedentary and I'm accumulating fat. I want to do something about it, and have decided to set a target for moderate exercise. I will attempt to Walk 500 Miles this year (805km). I reckon this is a reasonable target to set for evening and weekend walks. I've already walked 15km so far this year, so making good progress already on this one.
Havering: Less of both the Scottish and the English kinds.
Correspondance: I will attempt to get A Letter From America, by any means necessary.
Language skills: I will attempt to pronounce "Auchtermuchty". Learning the Family Ness theme tune may come into this one.
Driving skills: I will attempt to improve my driving skills, to the extent that I become King Of The Road.
Philosophy: I will attempt to keep the past, the past and not the present.

Let's see if Google Apps "Publish Graph" option works:

Tropical Wildlife

2011-12-27T01:42:00.000-08:00

Taking out the paper recycling earlier, I found a stick insect had been hiding in our recycling. Here it is:

A stick insect, staying stuck

I'm still being amazed on a daily basis by the diverse wildlife just on our small section in NZ. Yesterday, I found a weta while doing DIY, and I often find Praying Mantii (Mantisses?) in amongst the veggie garden, especially on the sunflowers. They aren't really pests as they eat other bugs, so I don't mind them and am quite happy to have them patrolling the garden.

A Mantis under our table

A small Weta on our deck

We also get the occasional cockroach wandering in from the garden, but disposing of the odd roach seems a small price to pay for living here.

Christmas Day

2011-12-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

A fantastic Christmas day here in New Zealand. It started cloudy, but soon got warmer. It's 8pm and still 20C outside.

Kids loved the new playhouse that had been left in the garden last night - assembling it took longer than expected and involved over 50 mozzie bites. But it looks awesome.

After breakfast, we opened presents with the grandparents on Skype. It was great being able to share opening the kids presents with them, and both kids were showing off as if Nanny and Grandad were in the room.

Both kids loved their presents. Youngest son was so excited with presents he got, he hasn't opened them all yet as he was happy playing with the ones already open.

Mrs Hurtmore bought me some great gifts including a Dangerous Experience to look forward to, and a Power Tool That I Wanted.

A couple of drinks and some chocolate whilst doing odd preparations.

Mrs Hurtmore prepared an awesome "light roast" of Chicken, Smashed Roasted New Potatoes, Kumara, Peppers, Homegrown Beans and Baby Carrots, with some Devils on Horseback on the side, followed by Plum and Apple Crumble with Icecream. Yum. 5 hours later and I'm still full.

In the afternoon we went outside and played in the garden for an hour, with the sprinkler running to keep the kids cool. I think I've got a little bit sunburned on my face. Saw loads of butterflies, lizards and birds in the garden.

Then we came inside, youngest so tired that he was begging to be put into bed (seriously, he was pointing to cot and trying to get in himself). Mrs Hurtmore is taking a well deserved nap on the sofa. I'm exhausted myself and planning to have an early night.

Merry Christmas to all of you wherever you are... I hope you have (had) a great day!

Orewa Estuary Evening Walk

2011-12-23T00:47:00.000-08:00

This evening I've been for a full circuit walk around the Orewa Estuary. It was a lovely warm evening and I set off before sunset and finished before the last daylight had faded.

The walkway closely follows the edge of the estuary and has great views across the mangrove in the shallows. There is plenty of wildlife; I saw several Tuis eating Flax, what I think was a Shag eating an Eel, lots of bright red Pohutukawa and a fantastically colourful yarnbombing of the bridge and trees near the skate park.

Now for a nice cold Tui and to wrap some presents.

Literary Doodad

2011-12-22T00:47:00.000-08:00

I've seen a few people doing this "book thing" on their blogs, and the questions and answers interested me, so here's my answers.

1. What author do you own the most books by?

Kurt Vonnegut

Kurt. I was in Tunisia when I heard he had died. Must have been a slow news week.

2. What book do you own the most copies of?

Probably only own one copy of any specific book. Do dictionaries count? I'm fairly ruthless at throwing out books I've already read, since I decided I didn't want my house to be a library (I used to read LOTS of books a week and things got out of hand). I recommend Read It Swap It if you're in the UK - a great way to swap that dead paper for new books. Tell me if you know of a NZ equivalent, as I'm building up a pile of books here that aren't shifting on Fishpond.

3. Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?

Not at all. I understand the need to generally adhere to basic standards of grammar, but pedantic grammar nazis really get on my tits. Lifes too short, y'know?

4. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?

Blimey; not sure about "in love with", but the most admirable female character from any book I can think of is Flora in "Cold Comfort Farm".

I didn't know there was a film version.

5. What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children, i.e. Goodnight Moon does not count)?

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"; I love dipping into the all-5-books omnibus I own, and just starting to read a random page. There is always something great to rediscover in these books that seems relevant to your life right now. It must be like how reading "The Bible" feels to a christian.

Sage advice

6. What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?

Not sure if I was exactly ten years old, but the first "proper" book I remember reading was around that age, and was "The Hobbit", which I read in a few days. I've never re-read it either; I'm happy to remember it as a kid's book that I once enjoyed. I'll probably avoid the film.

7. What is the worst book you’ve read in the past year?

I've not read many books this year, and none of them strike me as particularly crap, so I'm not arbitrarily singling one out.

8. If you could force everyone to read one book, what would it be?

"Mother Night" by Kurt Vonnegut. The basic lesson of "you are what you pretend to be" is a pretty important one.

Yet again, I didn't know there was a film version.

9. Who deserves to win the next Nobel Prize for Literature?

Kurt Vonnegut; his short, profound prose that basically tries to remind us all that we are in it together.

10. What book would you most like to see made into a movie?

"Against A Dark Background" by Iain Banks. I think to do it justice would require more than 90 minutes, though.

11. What book would you least like to see made into a movie?

Is it too late to say "The Golden Compass"/"Northern Lights" by Philip Pullman? It's a fantastic kids book, but there was obviously loads of stuff that wouldn't work on film, and the reliance on CGI instead of story-telling ruined it. If I'm not allowed that, how about any of the Culture books by Iain Banks - again, they would throw millions at CGI, but I'm not convinced a film could get you inside the improbable characters heads in a believable way.

See, it all seemed more realistic in the book.

12. Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.

Nope, can't think of anything. I don't remember many of my dreams, and the ones I do remember would get me committed if I actually told people about them. Was I supposed to make something up?

13. What is the most lowbrow book you’ve read as an adult?

Others have said "The DaVinci Code" by Dan Brown, but there are even more deeper depths of shite than that. I give you: "Digital Fortress" by Dan Brown. Working as I do in IT, I recommend this book to customers to explain to them exactly how a firewall doesn't work.

Yeah, this picture doesn't help much either does it?

14. What is the most difficult book you’ve ever read?

"The Secret Agent" by Joseph Conrad. I've not given up, but I've stalled halfway in, four years ago.

15. What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you’ve seen?

I've only ever seen one; it was the one where two people dress up and pass themselves off as other people. I think most of the plots in Shakespeare revolve around the fact everyone had poor eyesight and hearing in olden-times. Still good though, and would like to see more of them.

16. Do you prefer the French or the Russians?

Russians. The French can't beat a good short story from Chekhov, or the suffering in "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich", or the nauseating claustrophobia of "Crime and Punishment" (a book that made me feel ill by the end of it), or the dark, dry humour of "The Idiot".
The best the French have to offer; "A Year In Provence" - doesn't hold a candle to any of those.

Add caption

17. Roth or Updike?

I've read "Portnoy's Complaint" by Roth. Was okay I suppose. Don't know anything by Updike, so going to assume it's a draw. That may not be a compliment to either author.

18. David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?

In the wise words of TSB; "who?"

19. Shakespeare, Milton or Chaucer?

Insufficient data collected to yet make a sound decision.

20. Austen or Eliot?

I've only read Austen, so not yet fit to judge.

21. What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?

There are too many books for any one person to read all of them, so no-one should be embarrassed about not having read a book. That said, a few years ago, someone put me onto the "1001 Books To Read Before You Die" book. It's an arbitrary list, generated by a committee, but at the time I'd run out of books by my favourite authors, and decided to give it a go. I've found that so far, only a couple of the books have been stinkers, and it's introduced me to books and authors I would never have previously picked up. I recommend having a skim of it if you are stuck for ideas of what to read next.

22. What is your favorite novel?

"Survivor" by Chuck Palahniuk. I don't think I can possibly write a spoiler-free explanation of why, so just check it out yourself.

23. Play?

"The Importance of Being Earnest" - I have an anthology of Oscar Wilde, and the dry, cutting wit in there still makes me smile when skimming it.

24. Poem?

"Slough" by John Betjeman. I had to work there once with a wanker of a salesman, who I like to think of when I read the fourth verse.

25. Essay?

"Civil Disobedience" by Henry David Thoreau. The status quo only ever gets worse and it requires an occasional stand to make things better.

26. Short story?

"The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas" by Ursula Le Guin. Google it. It's definitely short and thought provoking.

27. Work of nonfiction?

"Computer Networks" by Andrew Tanenbaum. I dare you to dip into this book and not learn something interesting.

28. Who is your favorite writer?

Not a fair question. On any given day it would probably be a fight between Iain Banks, Robert Heinlein, Kurt Vonnegut, Philip K Dick or Douglas Adams.

29. Who is the most overrated writer alive today?

J.R. Hartley

30. What is your desert island book?

For practical reasons, "The SAS Survival Handbook".
For entertainment, probably "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" anthology just because it rewards repeated re-reads.

31. And…what are you reading right now?

"The Colour" by Rose Tremain. One of the books off that 1001 List I mentioned earlier, about early settlers in New Zealand.

Your turn.

AA Smartfuel - other people think it's rubbish too

2011-12-20T02:38:00.000-08:00

I previously expressed my displeasure at how the new scheme works. One of my friends just sent me the link to the Facebook page for AA Smartfuel (deliberately no link - screw them and their page rankings). The real posts from real people seem to be overwhelmingly negative, and the official AA Smartfuel updates seem to be more about fire-fighting dissatisfaction than anything else.

Comments from the official AA Smartfuel Facebook page

Also, I think the fact that a fair few people have googled variations on the theme of "aa smartfuel scheme sucks" or "aa rewards crap" to find my blog should indicate that there is a certain amount of malcontent around the scheme:

My Google Analytics showing how people find my blog

Even consumer.org.nz think it is "tricky".

I'll be sticking with Z for the FlyBuys now. I refuse to play a game which is so unfairly loaded against me. I know FlyBuys aren't brilliant either, but at least the rules make sense.

PS, could whoever found my blog by googling "princess diana playing snooker" and "we only want pepper fajitas pizza police" please explain WTF?

Black Mirror

2011-12-20T02:02:00.000-08:00

I've just watched the second episode of Black Mirror, 15 Million Merits, which was yet again a brilliant piece of TV drama. This one was set in a dystopian future where people live in touchscreen boxes, spend their days cycling and being forced to watch adverts - the only escape seems to be to perform on a talent show with typically slimy judges.

Not as dark as the week before, but still dark indeed... and yet again, I find myself unable to describe it without ruining it for the people who haven't seen it yet. Go on, watch it.

The Good Life (continued)

2011-12-20T00:54:00.000-08:00

Our garden isn't exactly huge, but walking around this evening, I discovered a Nectarine tree we hadn't noticed before. The fruits are tiny at the moment, but hopefully we'll get some free soft fruit any week now!

The weather is getting quite bad in the run up to Christmas - we've had temperatures as low as 12C in the last couple of days...

Japanese Cars inspired by Battlestar Galactica

2011-12-18T14:06:00.000-08:00

I spent waaaay too much time driving this weekend.

Was the Daihatsu Materia inspired by the new style Cylons? Maybe not obvious from this photo, but wait until you are stuck behind one at traffic lights, fearing for your life, worrying that a murderous robot is planning your execution, and worrying that your car insurance probably doesn't cover destruction by rampaging cyborgs.

A Daihatsu Materia

The Old and New Cylons

A Cylon Spaceship Fighter Thing

Luckily, Mistubishi cars will come to our rescue, looking a bit like Viper fighters with that trapezoid air intake at the front (lets not ask why a space fighter ever needed an air intake):

A Mistubishi Car

A Viper space fighter.... pew pew....

Finally, I should observe that the Ford Capri V6 looks nothing like Caprica Six:

Ford Capri V6

Caprica Six

Black Mirror

2011-12-06T23:53:00.001-08:00

I've just watched the first drama in the "Black Mirror" run on the UK's Channel 4, called The National Anthem; the plot premise itself is extraordinarily dark - someone has kidnapped one of the Royal Family, and has an, ahem, unusual demand for the British Prime Minister.

However, it is a fascinating look at how modern communications technology such as 24-hour rolling news, YouTube, Twitter, Facebook and smart phones have changed our lives so rapidly. I can't imagine that this story would have made sense even 3 years ago, and probably then it may have been written off as absurd sci-fi rather than realistic drama. The tech-speak in this is more believable than CSI or Spooks, and I could believe this scenario actually playing out this way. For a made-for-TV 44-minute drama, it was amazingly paced and a higher quality production than some Hollywood films.

Fantastic stuff, but definitely not for the easily offended. If you're in the UK, it should be on 4-on-demand, and if you're outside the UK, you should figure out a way to get it.

The Good Life

2011-12-03T00:52:00.001-08:00

Life in New Zealand continues to be great.

The kids are still great, and loving the outdoors. The garden seems to be a safe place to play, with space to run around.
The summer weather is great. 23C today. We've had the windows and doors open to keep the house cool.
It certainly doesn't feel like Christmas is coming; I'm used to suffering bitterly cold, dark and wet mornings waiting for delayed trains on shelterless platforms in the run up to Christmas, and now I'm cruising to work in my 4x4 in awesome sunshine with awesome tunes.
The veggie patch is coming along nicely. In the first two days of the harvest, we've already have a bumper crop of beans (Kentucky Pole). We have loads of Coriander and Basil; the Tomatoes, Sweetcorn, and Pumpkins are all flowering, and the Sunflowers, Peas, Courgettes, Lettuce and Tomatoes are all getting bigger.
We had so many beans, I had to learn how to blanch and freeze them already.
We have so much coriander, I am soaking some chickpeas so I can make Lime and Coriander Hummus in the morning.
The worm farm is getting exciting! We've almost filled the first tray, and about to start filling the second tray. The worm wee is ensuring that everything gets fed at least once a week.
The compost heap is slumping - everytime I put more stuff on it, it seems smaller. I'm assuming this means it is actually rotting down nicely on the inside.
From the new house, we can be walking by the water within 5 minutes, or walking on the beach in 15.

How's life going with you?

YouTube Comedy Clips

2011-12-02T00:00:00.001-08:00

Both of these clips made me laugh.

Stewart Lee talking about Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson off that Top Gear (relevant to the current furore about him)

And Louis C.K.; especially good from 6:20 in, talking about answering children's questions:

I Fear For Democracy

2011-11-26T23:49:00.001-08:00

when grown-adults need to promise of a sticker to do their democratic duty...

My Excellent Christmas Book

2011-11-21T00:43:00.001-08:00

We got this junk mail/flyer today:

I saw the prices for these special Christmas books and thought that it was my duty to offer a cheaper alternative this year... just download my book for FREE from here!

Then simply cut out some photos of the lucky child, along with photos of celebrities from your copy of Heat magazine and complete the story using a Pritt Stick, crayons and a biro. Hey presto! You've got the perfect Christmas present.

You can thank me on Boxing Day when you've seen how delighted the ungrateful little bastards were with their personalised story book.

Have a go, and email me your finished stories to me at shacklemore@gmail.com so I can share them with other readers. The best one will win a hand-drawn drawing by me.

More Spam

2011-11-21T00:38:00.001-08:00

Following on from my recent Spam post; this tin of Spam is so awesome, it was packed twice!

1984, George Orwell

2011-11-19T16:32:00.001-08:00

"But always — do not forget this, Winston — always there will be the intoxication of power, constantly increasing and constantly growing subtler. Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face — forever."

Or spraying peaceful protesters in the face with pepper-spray.

By the way kids; have you thought of dressing up as the Statue of Liberty or wrapping yourself up in the Stars and Stripes? It won't stop the police brutality, but it'll look far more poignant when they assault you, and might push some buttons in the heads of Tea Partier's who are currently writing you off as just "hippies".

Charlie Brooker's Newswipe

2011-11-19T13:36:00.000-08:00

An excellent TV series about how to watch the news. I recommend watching all of his Screenwipe and Newswipe programmes to understand how manipulated everything is by the time it's shown on the Idiot's Lantern:

Sausage Sizzles

2011-11-19T00:00:00.001-08:00

A second processed-meat related post; today we stopped outside the Mad Butcher to get one of the sausages from the Sausage Sizzle, and I realised that the concept was alien to me 18 months ago before I moved to New Zealand... and that it offers a couple of insights into how life here is different to life in the UK.

For International readers, I should explain that the sausage sizzle is a very common thing in New Zealand. Charities and other organisations like schools and Scout groups can have fundraising barbecues outside major shops to raise funds. The shops provide the barbecue equipment, so the charity just has to turn up with sausages and sell them to the public.

They only ever cook one thing; sausages, served on a slice of bread with ketchup. It's not haute cuisine, but it makes a perfect snack. It's an excellent idea, as you can get a cheap snack (usually $1 = 50p) quickly whilst doing your shopping.

In my opinion, there are several things that make this possible and safe, as I can't imagine this being permitted in the UK.

There are some basic sensible rules laid down by the local government.
The existence of the ACC in New Zealand: if anybody gets food poisoning, then they would claim for damages against the Accident Compensation Corporation instead of the poor local charity. The ACC, as far as I'm concerned, is great, although I don't understand exactly how it works. It means that there is not the same culture of suing as in the UK and USA, and I've never seen an advert for a "No Win, No Fee" ambulance-chasing lawyer here. This also means that the kid's playgrounds in the parks here are amazingly more dangerous and exciting than the "safe" ones in British parks.
The existence of pre-cooked sausages in New Zealand - you could take one out of the packet and eat it without bothering to cook it and not suffer any ill effects. It's impossible to undercook these beauties, which means that nobody feels the need to overcook their sausages.

On The Subject Of Cottage Cheese

2011-11-14T22:59:00.001-08:00

An acceptable breakfast begins with at least Bacon, Eggs (Fried) and a Strong Cup of Tea. Ideally, there are also some Hash Browns, Sausages, Mushrooms, Fried Bread. Nice to have, but not essential, are Tomatoes, Baked Beans, Chips and/or a small slice of Black Pudding. However, if you are camping, or just surviving a natural disaster, there is a simple way to get "breakfast in a tin" - just shallow fry or grill this stuff. It's almost 100% meat!

Spam with Bacon: this stuff is wonderfully dirty but tasty.

The only way it could get even better would be to put eggs through the ham inside the tin, like in a Gala Pie.

However, if you are in the UK, and a natural disaster has not yet struck, may I suggest the following place to get breakfast: This portacabin in a lay-by on the A650 near Wakefield. Best. Breakfast. Ever. There were more types of meat on the plate than I could imagine. My only regret is that I never had more excuses to pass that way.

My naiveté, episode 765

2011-11-10T22:24:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, I worked in Northern Italy, near to a town called Ivrea, where they have a local festival involving large quantities of oranges being thrown at people. I worked there for several weeks, flying in and out each week via Turin or Milan.

My confession of naiveté is that; as the taxi driver took me to and from the office each week, I kept noticing lots of young woman hitchhikers waiting in the lay-bys for a lift. I also observed that they all seemed to be travelling light, and wearing rather impractical travelling clothes.

Naive about what?

It took 6 weeks before I realised that they were the prostitutes, providing the equivalent of a "Welcome Break" for Italian lorry drivers.

By the way, all the stereotypes of Italy are largely accurate, the country is extraordinarily sexist, and I hated every bloody minute of being there. They also take the piss if you order a cappuccino in the afternoon. Apparently, it's a breakfast drink. The most capable person on the project was a Romanian woman, who was constantly sent to get coffees by the men who were incapable of organising a piss up in a brewery.

In my defence, the ones I saw hadn't got comfortable like this.

A sign like this would have explained things to me on the first taxi ride.