Shakesville

Open Thread

2013-05-18T08:00:00.000-05:00

Hosted by... uh... this.

The Virtual Pub Is Open

2013-05-17T17:00:00.000-05:00

[Explanations: lol your fat. pathetic anger bread. hey your gay.]

TFIF, Shakers!

Belly up to the bar,
and name your poison!

Tom Hardy and a Puppy Visit Tuscany

2013-05-17T16:30:00.000-05:00

"Knock knock," said the puppy. And Tom said, "Who's there?" And the puppy said, "Olive." And Tom said, "Olive who?" And the puppy said, "Olive you, Tom." And Tom said, "I love you, too, puppy." And they both laughed.

This is so the worst thing you're going to read all day.

2013-05-17T15:42:00.000-05:00

[Content Note: Homophobia.]

Michael Kinsley: "LGBT PC: Being against marriage equality doesn't make you a monster." I believe this article once had another, equally amazing title, since its URL is "Ben Carson and Gay Marriage Police." Neat!

The article—a critical entry into the annals of journalism, which are otherwise devoid of pieces making the totally trenchant argument that privileged people who want to deny marginalized people the rights they enjoy aren't the MONSTERS that legions of straw-people accuse them of being—starts thus:

One reason the idea of gay marriage, or "marriage equality," spread so fast is that it seems obvious once you think about it. It was a genuinely new idea when it first appeared in this publication in 1989. As was not the case with civil rights for African Americans, feminism, or for that matter gay rights themselves, there was no long history of opposition to be overcome. The challenge was simply getting people to think about it a bit.

Perfect. That is just a perfect argument. There was no long history of denying same-sex couples the right to marry, because Michael Kinsey had never heard of same-sex marriage before it was shoved in front of his face in the course of his employment in the year 1989.

Lest you think I am being hyperbolic, this is also a direct quote from the piece:

The first known mention of gay marriage is an article ("Here Comes the Groom" by Andrew Sullivan) commissioned by me and published in this magazine in 1989. And I would bet that there is no one born before 1989, gay or straight, who didn't, when he or she first heard the idea, go, whaaa?

I am not making that up. I AM NOT MAKING THAT UP!

Scott Lemieux notes "there were lawsuits claiming that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional that made it to state appellate courts in Minnesota, Kentucky, and Washington between 1971 and 1974," which swiftly dispatches both the incredible assertion no one had heard of same-sex marriage before 1989 and the extraordinary claim that there was not an established history of same-sex marriage related oppression. As if the lack of legal marriages between same-sex couples wasn't evidence enough of that oppression.

I guess Kinsley imagines that lesbians, gay men, and same-sex partnered bisexual people couldn't have been oppressed by the denial of marriage rights until the very moment that Andrew Sullivan introduced the concept of same-sex marriage to the entire world in 1989.

I don't even.

Film Corner: Last Vegas

2013-05-17T14:30:00.000-05:00

You know how you've been saying for years how you would totally love The Hangover if only the guys in it weren't so young? Like that time you sent me that email where you were all, "Why can't The Hangover be grandpa-ier?" Or the other time you tweeted: "Sry, Todd Phillips, call me when ur ready 2 get ur fogey on. #nothx" Or that time your Facebook status was: "When will HOLLYWEIRD get serious and give me some raunchy dudebro comedy with mature gentlemen who have won Oscars? THE TIME IS NOW."

Well, your day has finally arrived, my friend.

Below, the trailer for the upcoming Universal Pictures picture Last Vegas (see what they did there?), starring Academy Award winners Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, Robert DeNiro, and Kevin Kline:

Sir Michael Douglas sits on the edge of his bed in his nicely appointed bedroom, calling his three BFFs on his mobile phone. In their respective homes, Sir Morgan Freeman, Sir Robert DeNiro, and Sir Kevin Kline answer their phones. "I got news," Sir Mikey D tells them. "I'm getting married." Sir Robert DeNiro tells him, "Tell her she's making a huge mistake!"

And then, because this is a trailer for an American movie in the year of our lord Jesus Jones two thousand and thirteen, the zany music kicks in and this trailer begins IN EARNEST, son!

"Welcome to Las Vegas!" exclaims Sir Mikey D, now in Vegas, wearing shades and bearing fancy drinks for the lads. "I want all of you to get in trouble." Ohhhhhhhh yeeeeeeeahhhhhhhh. Cut to The Club. (What club? Who cares?) A young white woman asks Sir Kevin Kline if he and his pals have drugs. "Does Lipitor count?" he asks. HA HA COMEDY GOLD. That joke is so terrific it made me hop out of my chair and do the Charleston with major jazzhands for fully thirty seconds.

"FOUR FRIENDS" says onscreen text, followed by a photo montage that informs us they are childhood friends. Which is impossible, since Sir Morgan Freeman was born in 1937 and is 75 years old, and Sir Kevin Kline was born in 1947 and is 65 years old, which according to NASA is approximately 10 years apart. And, with no disrespect to either of these handsome men, they look like they are 10 years apart. That said, I can only assume this will be the least incredulous premise for which I am asked to suspend my disbelief—nay, my entire cognitive capacities—by this garbage movie.

"We're going to party like it's 1959," says Sir Kevin Kline. The year when Morgan Freeman was 22 years old and he was 12.

Montagery! Sir Robert DeNiro pushes Sir Mikey D into a pool. Great stuff. A young black man quips, "This is gonna be one sloppy weekend." Perfect. "FOUR NIGHTS" says onscreen text. All four Academy Award winners are onstage in chairs at some huge outdoor daytime party. "It's this man's bachelor party!" screams the emcee, who is being played by LMFAO. Girls in bikinis appear. Hooray! "FOR THE AGES" says onscreen text. "Four Red Bull vodkas!" shouts Sir Mikey D in a bar. Sir Robert DeNiro shadowboxes in a mirror, which is a neat reminder that he won an Oscar for Raging Bull and now is in this movie.

MORE AND MORE MONTAGERY! The gentlemen travelers pour liquor into the gaping mouths of sexily clad young women sitting in a line of chairs. How neat for everyone! Sir Mikey D checks out some ladies' asses on the sidewalk. A woman in black short-shorts and a pink bra asks, "Which one of you is Sam Harris?" and they all raise their hands. HA HA THESE GUYS.

"ACADEMY AWARD WINNERS" says onscreen text, and their names appear one at a time in beat to the music: "DOUGLAS, DENIRO, FREEMAN, KLINE." Followed by: "LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE." Unless you've seen The In-Laws, The Bucket List, Little Fockers, or French Kiss! Ha ha just kidding. No one's seen any of those films.

Cut to Sir Morgan Freeman drinking his Red Bull and vodka and talking drunk and fast while his friends snicker at him: "Boy, these Red Bull vodkas are strange I feel like I'm getting drunk and electrocuted at the same time I probably should get up and dance but I'm usually having a partner well doesn't seem to matter to that fella maybe I'll give it a shot maybe not maybe NOW!" He gets up to dance and his friends laugh and cheer. Text onscreen: "LAST VEGAS."

Cut to the requisite slow-motion scene of the four gentlemen thespians strolling down the sidewalk shoulder-to-shoulder, you know, just like how normal people walk down the street together.

"IT'S GOING TO BE LEGENDARY" says onscreen text. "COMING SOON."

Not soon enough!

In The News

2013-05-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

[Content note: Homophobia, misogyny]

Ancient Aliens:

Former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens said that he's come to the realization that the rationale behind the courts Bush v. Gore "was really quite unacceptable." No Doy.

Legalized abortions cause school shootings. It's a fact!

More than 1.5 million people have fled Syria as conditions there deteriorate rapidly.

The case for raising the minimum wage.

Uma Thurman has been cast as anti-gay activist Anita Bryant. Neat!

Is there a term for when you can't tell if a website is a real Guy Fieri site or a satire Guy Fieri site?

Predatory lenders continue to take advantage of American service men and women.

George Michael has been involved in a car crash on Britain's M1. He's okay.

The Post-Punk/New Wave Super Friends. No comment!

As he lay bleeding in his boat hideout, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev wrote "Fuck America" on the side panel of the boat.

Two-Minute Nostalgia Sublime

2013-05-17T13:11:00.001-05:00

Wham!: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"

Seen

2013-05-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

[Content note: misogyny, rape, rape culture, military sexual trauma.]

Seen:

[Image description: A bumper sticker with the eagle, globe, and anchor emblem of the U.S. Marines bearing the text "U.S. Marine Corps is part of the Navy--the Men's Department."]

What a great bumper sticker! What a hilarious joke! I think I will order eleventy-six million right away!

Oh, you say there are problems with sexual harassment, rape, and abuse in the U.S. military? WHAT A SHOCK.

It's not that I don't "get" this particular joke (HAHAHAHA NAVY MEN ARE GIRLY and therefore second best AMIRITE?!) Nor that I don't appreciate the Marine-Navy rivalry, or know jokes about it. Yes, most of the cracks are old enough to have sailed with Stephen Decatur, but they are generally harmless.(Example: "What does 'Marine' stand for?" "Moving Around Riding In Navy Equipment." Sad trombone.)

But this "joke" isn't harmless. Because this helps drive the rape problem in the United States military: the casual misogyny that says only "real men" have "real" military status.

Which means that women are outsiders. Women can never, ever be real Marines, real soldiers, real sailors, real airmen. We're in the military on suffrance, having to constantly earn our status. It's "jokes" like this that confirm our second-class status. It's every bit of horseshit that "insults" male personnel by feminizing them, while simultaneously shutting out every woman in uniform. It's attitudes like this that drum out women for reporting rapes, while protecting rapists.

It's why it's considered more dishonorable to report a rape, than to rape a fellow soldier.

And I am so tried of this shit, because really, what else do we have to do? The Army and Navy Nurse Corps have been around since 1901 and 1908, respectively. The first enlisted female Marines, sailors, and Coast Guard personnel served in the First World War, alongside my grandfather. U.S. uniformed women have served in combat zones, survived POW camps, evaded capture after being shot down behind enemy lines--and that's just World War II, folks. That's just a tiny a fraction of U.S. women's service in World War II. And women have decades and decades of ever-expanding military service in the U.S. forces since then.

When women's services were re-organized during the Second World War, the Marines didn't give their female members a catchy, cutesy nickname like WAVES or SPARS. In 1944, Marine Commandant Thomas Holcomb explained to Life magazine: "They are Marines. They don't have a nickname and they don't need one. They get their basic training in a Marine atmosphere at a Marine post. They inherit the traditions of the Marines. They are Marines."*

"They are Marines." That was 1944. It's 2013. Yet somehow women are still second class personnel? NOPE! We are on the team, no more and no less. Anyone who doesn't like it---well, I'd say "Tell it to the Marines," but that doesn't seem to be working. So take it up with the U.S. government and 100+ years of history. And get the hell over it.

*Quoted in Emily Yellin, "Our Mother's War," (New York: Free Press, 2004).

Daily Dose of Cute

2013-05-17T12:00:00.000-05:00

Cheeky monkey.
As always, please feel welcome and encouraged to share pix of the fuzzy, feathered, or scaled members of your family in comments.

Friday Blogaround

2013-05-17T11:30:00.000-05:00

This blogaround brought to you by my love for Candice Glover.

Recommended Reading:

Brian: "So, I Guess You Only Want to Talk to People Who Agree with You!"

Chris: Autumn Sandeen Is Recognized as First Transgender Veteran

Trudy: When Male Privilege and White Privilege Shape "Progressive" Conversations [Content Note: The post at this link includes discussion of racism; misogyny; colorism; privilege; appropriation.]

Katie: Dr. Tiller's Killer Accused of Threatening Another Abortion Provider [Content Note: The post at this link includes discussion of anti-choice terrorism.]

Imara: New Report Looks at How Foreclosure Undermined Black and Brown Wealth

AP via The Grio: Suspect Faces 20 Charges in Mother's Day Shooting at New Orleans Parade [Content Note: The post at this link contains discussion of gun violence.]

Anon at First Do No Harm: Doctor Suggests Gastric Bypass for Sleep Trouble [Content Note: The post at this link includes discussion of fat bias and medical malfeasance, as well as diet talk.]

eeshap: The Unending Heartbreak of Great Expectations: Why I Can't Watch The Mindy Project Anymore [Content Note: The post at this link includes discussion of racism; misogyny; fat bias; conformity to white supremacist beauty standards.]

NWLC: Women and the Health Care Law in the United States

Leave your links and recommendations in comments...

Here We Go Again

2013-05-17T10:30:00.000-05:00

[Content Note: Domestic violence; rape culture.]

So far this month: An Air Force sexual assault prevention chief was charged with a sexual assault; an Air Force brochure on sexual assault was found to engage in victim-blaming and advise potential victims to submit to attackers; the Air Force's top commander blamed "the hookup mentality" for the US military's pervasive rape problem; and Fort Hood's sexual assault prevention chief was relieved of his duties pending an investigation for "abusive sexual contact, pandering, assault and maltreatment of subordinates."

And now it's happened again: The head of Fort Campbell's sexual assault response program has been arrested in a "domestic dispute" and relieved of his post.

Lt. Col. Darin Haas turned himself in to police in Clarksville, Tenn., late Wednesday on charges of violating an order of protection, and stalking. Master Sgt. Pete Mayes, a spokesman for the Army post on the Tennessee-Kentucky line, said Haas was immediately removed as manager of a program meant to prevent sexual harassment and assault and encourage equal opportunity.

Haas and his ex-wife have orders of protection against each other, Mayes said. The two are involved in a child custody fight, Clarksville Police Sgt. Chuck Gill said.

Haas was held for a required 12 hours and released.

His ex-wife told police he repeatedly contacted her Wednesday night despite the protective order, Gill said.

No one with an order of protection against him should ever have been allowed to hold that post in the first place. Not everyone who has an order of protection taken out by an ex-partner is dangerous, but orders of protection are not handed out as a matter of course. The Army's failure to regard an order of protection as a red flag, as a disqualifying event for a chief of sexual assault response, is a perfect indication of how (un)seriously they're taking the US military's sexual assault crisis.

[H/T to Cat Neshine.]

All of This

2013-05-17T09:51:00.000-05:00

[Content note: transphobia]

Vivian Taylor has a piece up on Autostraddle about transphobia (both from within and outside trans* communities) and the perils of being a "good tranny." You should really read the whole thing (although mind the comments).

Vivian makes SO MANY good points:

Here's the thing: People fucking despise trans women. Often the nicest thing they can thing of to say to trans woman is "gosh, you are so little like a trans woman!" Being trans is something to avoid, to exclude, to escape, at worst to nobly bare up under.

If only I had a vagina for every time I heard that bullshit.

That shit is not a compliment.

"Gosh, you are so little like a woman!" sure as hell isn't a compliment. There's just not a good way to spin it.

Yet so many cis people have been "impressed" by how I'm not as funny looking, or odd shaped, or otherwise as wrong as the rest of trans people. As if these same people would be filled with disgust by me if they hadn't had the opportunity of interacting with me.

"You, I like, precisely because you're not, you know, 'like you.'"

Yeah.

I do my best to be myself. If you don't care for trans* people, you don't care for me.

Maybe I'm wearing makeup. Maybe I'm drinking a beer and watching ballsport. Maybe I'm about to do all three. (I'm about to do all three.) Wev. I'll be doing it while trans*.

[Via Emily.]

Quote of the Day

2013-05-17T09:15:00.000-05:00

[Content Note: Homophobic slur; misogynist slur; rape culture.]

"He didn't use that word in that sort of context. It's a misunderstanding. If people are uneducated, that's not my [expletive] fault. It's slang for being a little bitch."—Mike Kogan, UFC fighter Nate Diaz's manager, explaining to FOXSports.com that his client didn't call fellow fighter Bryan Caraway a "fag" in a homophobic way; he called Caraway a "fag" because he's a little bitch. Geez, people.

[Note: The "expletive" was redacted by FOXSports, who also used "b****" in their original story.]

Diaz has been suspended, pending an internal investigation by the UFC.

Everything about this quote is fucking amazing. Slurs ripped from their historical context? Check. Slurs defended as though they exist in a void? Check. People who don't understand this magical new context are the ones with the problem? Check. Traditional masculinity treated as inherently ethical? Check. Homophobia and misogyny set up in juxtaposition to traditional masculinity and thus ethical behavior? Check. Conflation of "bitch" with "raped man"? Check. Conflation of homosexuality with male rape? Check.

And that's not even a comprehensive list. That's a lot of fuckery to pack into less than 30 words.

[H/T to Shaker koach.]

Whooooops Your Scandal

2013-05-17T08:00:00.001-05:00

In news that will shock absolutely no one, it turns out the actual emails regarding Benghazi released by the White House do not contain the quotes that Republican shit-stirrers claim they did. Instead, the "quotes" were actually misleading summaries. [Note: Video begins to play automatically at link.] CBS' Major Garrett:

The Benghazi attack is a political controversy. Republicans claim the administration watered down the facts in talking points given to U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice for television appearances while Obama was running for re-election. Republicans on Capitol Hill claimed they found proof in White House emails that they leaked to reporters last week. It turns out some of the quotes were wrong.

Republicans have charged that the State Department under Hillary Clinton was trying to protect itself from criticism. The White House released the real emails late Wednesday. Here's what we found when we compared them to the quotes that had been provided by Republicans.

One email was written by deputy national security adviser Ben Rhodes.

On Friday, Republicans leaked what they said was a quote from Rhodes: "We must make sure that the talking points reflect all agency equities, including those of the State Department, and we don't want to undermine the FBI investigation."

But it turns out that in the actual email, Rhodes did not mention the State Department.

It read: "We need to resolve this in a way that respects all of the relevant equities, particularly the investigation."

Republicans also provided what they said was a quote from an email written by State Department spokesman Victoria Nuland.

The Republican version quotes Nuland discussing, "The penultimate point is a paragraph talking about all the previous warnings provided by the Agency (CIA) about al-Qaeda's presence and activities of al-Qaeda."

The actual email from Nuland says: "The penultimate point could be abused by members to beat the State Department for not paying attention to Agency warnings."

The CIA agreed with the concerns raised by the State Department and revised the talking points to make them less specific than the CIA's original version, eliminating references to al Qaeda and affiliates and earlier security warnings. There is no evidence that the White House orchestrated the changes.

Josh Marshall notes: "Generally, once partisan, tendentious sources leak information that turns out to be wrong, nothing's ever done about it. ...But on CBS Evening News [last night], Major Garrett did something I don't feel like I've seen in a really long time or maybe ever on a network news cast. He basically said straight out: Republicans told us these were the quotes, that wasn't true."

If there's a scandal here, it's that elected Republican officials used bullshit information in order to try to take down the President of the United States and smear a former Secretary of State, spreading completely false information throughout the media in a meritless partisan attack.

And then there's this: USians' attention to the Benghazi "scandal"—and to the IRS "scandal"—is low. Just over 50%, "well below the average for news stories Gallup has tracked over the years." There's a partisan divide in how closely people are paying attention: Republicans are more likely to be following these stories than Democrats and Independents.

That's not a good thing. That's indicative of how little trust non-conservatives have in the GOP to be an effective and ethical opposition party, to hold a Democratic administration accountable for things that matter. By investing so much time and energy in unjustifiable scandal-mongering, the Republican Party is the Opposition Party Who Cried Wolf. If something happens (P.S. something has happened) that needs serious investigation, very few but the most resolute conservative partisans trust the Republican Party to do it.

The Republican Party has abdicated its role as a serious opposition party. That should be of concern to anyone who doesn't want any administration to be able to operate with impunity. Which is to say nothing of distracting the entire executive branch and gobbling Congressional resources with nonsense that has no benefit for the US people.

They're not just being petty, indecent assholes. They're making the country less safe and less functional. This has to stop.

(But it won't.)

Open Thread

2013-05-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

Hosted by parachute pants.

Question of the Day

2013-05-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

You are given unlimited funds and total control over casting to make the TV series of your dreams: What's your concept?

Doesn't have to be a scripted series. If you'd prefer to create a reality show or a game show or a chat show, go for it! Also, for the purposes of this question, assume you are also able to secure the rights to any source material you might be interested in reimagining or bringing to the small screen for the first time.

Tom Hardy and a Puppy Visit Kathmandu

2013-05-16T17:30:00.000-05:00

"Tom," said the puppy, wagging its tail, "what do you think the secret is to long-lasting romantic love?" And Tom laughed, because he so didn't know the answer, and said, "I don't know, puppy. I don't think there's a single, universal secret. Love that lasts, for people who seek lasting love, lasts for reasons entirely dependent on the individual people in the relationship. The only thing I know is that if you want someone to love you wholly, you have to show them your whole self. Warts and all. Be the person with them, every moment, that you want them to love. The only chance we have to be wholly loved is to let ourselves be wholly known." And the puppy said, "That sounds scary." And Tom said, "Yeah." And the puppy sighed, and wondered into the open space around them, because the puppy knew that Tom wouldn't answer, "Why is it that when so many of the best things require us to be vulnerable, the world discourages vulnerability?"

TV Corner: Sleepy Hollow

2013-05-16T16:51:00.000-05:00

[Content Note: Reference to slavery.]

WHUT. Below, the trailer for Fox's "thrilling new action-adventure" Sleepy Hollow, which "is a modern-day retelling of Washington Irving's classic" in which Ichabod Crane "is resurrected and pulled two and a half centuries through time to find that the world is on the brink of destruction and that he is humanity's last hope, forcing him to team up with a contemporary police officer to unravel a mystery that dates all the way back to the founding fathers."

I can only presume some executive at Fox ordered the series by requesting "just a real jumbled garbage mess that renders Sleepy Hollow unrecognizable by mashing it into a supernatural police procedural with elements of National Treasure, minus the charm of Nicolas Cage. Oh, and let's try to replicate that whole ethnic lady sidekick thing they're doing on Elementary. Make it Sherlock Holmesy, too, but not TOO Sherlock Holmesy, if you know what I mean."

Ichabod Crane wakes up from his grave and it's 250 years later. He almost gets run over by a semi truck stumbling out of the graveyard, because whooooooops there weren't semi trucks 250 years ago. "What is this giant steel donkey?!" or whatever. Some guy tells him, "Welcome to the 21st century, Mr. Crane," because obviously. If someone didn't say that, we would all be like, "Where's the guy to welcome old grodybones to the 21st century?"

Also! Because it is the 21st century, Ichabod Crane is hot. What—like they're gonna let an ugly guy play an ugly guy? Ha ha NO. It's been awhile since I read The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, but I don't recall Washington Irving describing Ichabod Crane as an impossibly perfect cross between Bradley Cooper and Christian Bale.

Expositional voiceover about how Sleepy Hollow was just a legend but blah blah fart the truth yawn the Headless Horseman is totes real wevs trying to give totally unnecessary verisimilitude to the implausible premise that law enforcement is investigating the murder of the Headless Horseman in the year of our lord Jesus Jones two thousand and thirteen.

Ichobod Crane says to a cop, "The killer you saw was a Headless Horseman." Cut to the cop telling her supervisor, "He described the appearance of the man that I saw in perfect detail." LOL! Is this a trailer for a comedy? This is definitely a trailer for a comedy.

The cop is a black lady, so naturally Ichabod Crane makes a slavery crack at her. HEY HE CAN'T HELP IT! HE'S NEW TO THIS CENTURY. Presumably, the writers of this garbage heap are not.

Ichabod is also very confused by the ubiquity of Starbucks. This is gold, people. GOLD. I can just imagine an entire episode in which Officer Jane Policesworth (I don't know her name) has to explain a panini maker to Ichabod. "You mean, you just plug this thingamabob into the wall and then press down the lid and two minutes later a HOT TOASTY SANDWICH?! Incredible!"

Oh, it turns out the Headless Horsemen is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Sure. Are there any vampires in this thing? Can we shove in some werewolves somewhere? Ichabod prolly needs a pet direwolf, at least.

Occult. Check. Covens. Check. Magical Bible. Check. Founding Fathers' secret map. Check.

The chief refers to Ichabod as Captain America. Ichabod says, "Who?" HA HA GREAT STUFF. In every episode, the chief should refer to Officer Jane Policesworth and Ichabod Crane (who are totes teaming up, obviously) using a different superhero reference Ichabod can't possibly understand. "You two are like a regular Batman and Robin over here." "Who?" "Go on, hit the road, Lois—and take Superman with you." "Who?" Priceless.

The cops corner the Headless Horseman. A cop shouts, "Put your hands on your h—." Whoops!

Sleepy Hollow. Heads will roll. Coming soon to Fox.

Discussion Thread: Sneeze Farts

2013-05-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

For my birthday, my friend Ari surprised me with my first ever manicure. It was a lovely treat to have some hand-pampering, since typing the equivalent of a novel every week does a number on my hands.

Anyway! When we arrived at the salon, the woman who was going to do our manicures was deep in a serious conversation with an older woman on whom she was currently working. I wasn't trying to overhear them, but it's a small space, and I caught a snippet of their conversation: "It's hard to move past that kind of trauma."

Ari and I chit-chatted while we waited, trying not to be too silly. A few minutes later, it had gone quiet, and then the older woman sneezed. "Bless you," Ari said. The woman turned and smiled. "Thank you." A beat passed, and then Ari added, "And if you farted when you sneezed, don't worry about it. We're all friends here." Everyone burst into laughter. Classic Ari. Everyone shared stories of sneeze-farting, starting with the older woman who had sneezed. Her face was a giant grin. "There are no men here, right?" she asked, before launching into her favorite dirty joke.

A bunch of strangers, brought together by laughter over the common human experience of a sneeze so powerful it makes you fart. I just love that.

The most amazing sneeze fart I ever had was not longer after I started my first job out of college. I was the receptionist in an office in downtown Chicago, and the reception area was this stark, minimalist, marble-floored cavern. A messenger had just dropped off a package, and I was walking through the reception area when I was suddenly overcome by the urge to sneeze, which was accompanied by a powerful trumpet of a fart. The two sounds reverberated through the echoing reception area, and when I turned to make sure the messenger had departed, I found him instead hovering inside the front door of the office, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. Upon eye contact, he turned and scampered out the door, as if I might aim the next round at him.

You?

So This Happened

2013-05-16T13:57:00.001-05:00

Doesn't that title just imbue dread? Fear not! This is A Good Thing™!

luceo non uro
Yesterday I got my first tattoo! I've been wanting one for years upon years but the timing was never quite right in the past. I've always liked tattoos, in general; the body as a canvass is such a beautiful concept.

As far as my tattoo, it says (in Latin): luceo non uro. Which means: I shine, not burn.

The color will lighten just a bit to resemble the deep, rich color of henna. I was really anxious about the pain aspect but I was so surprised to find that, for me, it barely hurt. It was uncomfortable but actual pain was very, very little.

So, if you've read the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon, you probably recognized it right off. They are some of my absolute favorite books and the Clan Mackenzie motto (which it is in real life, as well) struck a chord with me the first time I read it a few years ago. So my tattoo is, in part, a literary reference to the books I love so very much. I've also adopted the saying as a sort of my own personal motto. As for the timing now, I'm leaving Oregon here in about four weeks and this was, in part, a way of taking my adopted home with me.

I do love it so. <3

Two-Minute Nostalgia Sublime

2013-05-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

Weezer: "Buddy Holly"

Meanwhile, at Gitmo...

2013-05-16T13:15:00.000-05:00

[Content Note: Abuse.]

While the reprobates and miscreants known as the Republican Congressional delegation obsess about Ben Gazzara's tax returns or whatever, rotating between cable news shows who devotedly indulge their alarmist declarations about impeachable offenses worse than Watergate, daily life at Gitmo continues to degenerate.

Detainees on hunger strikes continue to be force-fed against their wills during their endless detentions without charge or trial, and the young guards tasked with maintaining the prison must navigate verbal and physical abuse as part of their jobs. (And I suspect the abuse goes both ways, in many cases, though of course that won't be reported.) The guards have no influence over the policy that keeps the detainees in this garbage hell prison, but they are the only representatives of the government who has condemned the detainees to whom they have access.

What the fuck are we doing? Benghazi? The IRS? Are you fucking kidding me? Get it together, D.C., for chrissakes.

Gitmo. Violent oppression. Drones. Garbage wages. Unemployment. Crumbling infrastructure. Exploding shit. Literal exploding shit. This is hardly a comprehensive list. AND YOU'RE FUCKING AROUND WITH PARTISAN BICKERING? FUCK YOU.

Here's a hot tip, Congress: The people languishing at Gitmo don't hate us for our freedom. Some of them certainly hate us because we spend more time and energy talking about some minor-league fuck-up at an IRS outpost than we do having a serious conversation about murdering people with drones and throwing people in a dungeon for a fucking decade without any promise or glimpse of justice. And, quite frankly, I hate us for that, too.

Daily Dose of Cute

2013-05-16T12:45:00.000-05:00

Tils, probably thinking about Tony again.
As always, please feel welcome and encouraged to share pix of the fuzzy, feathered, or scaled members of your family in comments.

Quote of the Day

2013-05-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

[Content Note: Misogyny; victim-blaming; gender essentialism.]

"Touch his face. Hold his hand. Look into his eyes. Talk to him. ... Make a home so wonderful that he doesn't wanna wander."—Pat Robertson, offering some TERRIFIC advice to a woman whose husband cheated on her and asked for help on how to forgive him.

There is so much wrong with this claptrap, I hardly know where to begin.

There's no objective, universal "correct" response to infidelity. If a couple (or multiple-partner group) can work through it and stay together, good for them. If the cheated-on partner in a couple (or group) cannot get past it, for any reason, and needs to move on, best of luck on your journey. The only thing that doesn't work is stasis—existing in a suspended state of grievance and mistrust. It's not fair to anyone involved.

Also not fair? Telling a betrayed spouse that it's society's fault and her fault that her husband cheated and definitely not his fault. Making wild-ass assumptions about the nature of the cheating, and pretending that having sex "with a stripper in a hotel room ten years ago" is no biggie. Exhorting women to prioritize attendance at their (maybe existent?) kids' baseball games over their own emotional health. (As if a father couldn't attend Little League games after a divorce.) Suggesting it's possible to have a "happy family" when one of the partners is wracked with discontent over a profound betrayal. Telling that insecure and resentful and sad and hurt partner that it's her responsibility to fix everything. Good grief.

This fucking guy.

Kristi Watts, 700 Club co-host, a young black woman, reading a viewer email: Ivy writes in and says: "I've been trying to forgive my husband for cheating on me. We have gone to counseling, but I just can't seem to forgive, nor can I trust. How do you let go of the anger? How do you trust again? God says to forgive, but it's been so hard to do. I want to forgive, so we can get on with our lives."

Pat Robertson, 700 Club co-host, an old white man: So, what you do think?

Watts: Well, that's a good question. I think forgiveness can be one of the most difficult things in the whole wide world to do, and, especially when it comes to a spouse, because that's one of the ultimate betrayals.

Robertson: All right, here's the secret.

Watts: Okay.

Robertson: This is the secret: Stop talking about the cheating! He cheated on you. Well, he's a man. Okay, so, what you do is begin to focus on why you married him in the first place. On what he does good. [counts off on his fingers] Does he provide a home for you to live in? Does he provide food for you to eat? Does he provide clothes for you to wear? Uh, is he nice to the children? Do you have a happy family? Does he take the kids to sporting events? Does he go out and watch their Little League games? Um, does he share with you stuff that's going on? And, uh, is he handsome? Or is he—you know, what is he? Start focusing on those things and essentially fall in love with him all over again.

And I recommend that you reach out and touch him. Touch his face. Touch his face! Hold his hand. Look into his eyes. Talk to him. But it's you—you're praying: "Oh, God, keep me not to hate him for what he did when he was with that stripper in that hotel room ten years ago, and I'll never forgive him kind of thing, please help me." So what are you focusing on? You're focusing on the thing that makes you mad. Stop that! Start focusing on the good stuff. And—he must have something, or you wouldn'ta married him. So think about those things, and give him honor instead of trying to worry about it.

But recognize also, like it or not, males have a tendency to, uh, wander a little bit. And what you wanna do is make a home so wonderful that he doesn't wanna wander. But think of the temptations that're out there—the, the internet is filled with pornography; the, uh, magazines are filled with pictures, salacious pictures, of women. You look—anywhere you turn around, there's some solicitation to the senses to entice a man!

And so what you have to do is say: "My husband was captured. And I wanna get him free. But reach out and think of the good stuff. And then begin to thank God that you have a marriage that is together and that, you know, that you live in America and good things are happening.

In The News

2013-05-16T11:39:00.002-05:00

[Content Note: Guns, gun violence, gun culture, homophobia]

It's Thursday and Where Were YOU Last Night?:

56 percent of Virginia voters support same-sex marriage, up from 46 percent just two years ago.

This new anti-Monsanto app might be useful to some people.

Seven people are missing and at least six are dead after overnight tornadoes struck North Texas.

10 schools in Southern California are on lockdown after a caller threatened to go on a shooting spree at one of them.

François Sagat has announced his retirement from gay porn.

Nerd fight!: Police were called to a science fiction convention after an argument between two rival groups of fans.

There was no winner of the Powerball jackpot last night, and the prize has now grown to $475 million. That would buy a lot of vintage Star Wars action figures.

Jesus has made a surprise appearance in a Connecticut newspaper!