Shalampax Speaks

Escape from God 148 Piety

Birdinhand — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 02:10:27 +0000

I am pleased to report that most Shalampaxians have emaciated themselves into accepting the inescapable truth that forsaking their devout worship of God 148 is the only sane and survivable course of action, despite the inevitability of being denounced as infidels and shunned by those few souls who are still pious in their God 148ly beliefs and [...]

Cockroach Sustenance

Birdinhand — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 20:36:10 +0000

Something strange has been happening here in Shalampax. And, until recently, I haven’t been able to explain it. We used to be overrun with cockroaches. The little buggers thrived here because, although we hated them, we were too lazy to do anything about them. Nobody ever vacuumed or swept their apartments because that was too [...]

God 148 Quirks

Birdinhand — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 16:14:50 +0000

In my last couple of posts (here and here) I told you about some of the disadvantages of worshipping God 148. There are others. For example, She expects us to punish adulteresses by stoning them to death. We are supposed to punish male adulterers by forcing them to gather the stones used to stone the [...]

Full-time Prayer

Birdinhand — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 14:25:14 +0000

In my previous post, I told you about some of the pitfalls of choosing God 148 as the one God to worship out of all the infinite number of Gods, but I didn’t mention the worst of it. The praying required when God 148 is your God is unbearable. The content of the prayers isn’t [...]

Religious Rest

Birdinhand — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 16:06:16 +0000

It’s been a very long time since anyone has posted here. I’m sorry about that. Due to a sudden outbreak of mass hysteria, no one felt like writing anything. That’s a bit misleading, isn’t it? No one in Shalampax has ever felt like writing anything because it is too much like work. But, in the [...]

Building Listing

Birdinhand — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 21:11:52 +0000

For some time now, many of us here in Shalampax have had the feeling that our building is leaning to one side. Most of us ignored this feeling as we assumed that it was merely a result of our near-constant intoxication. However, it turns out that our drunkenness, perception-skewing though it may be, was not [...]

Space-Time Repairs

Snotontable — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 16:56:25 +0000

Never let it be said that the Government of Shalampax doesn’t do much to foster innovation. It doesn’t, but it’s considered to be a social faux pas to mention it. The government is considering doing something to change that, which is to say that it might change its indifference toward innovation, not change the reticence [...]

Marijuana Use

Poopydiaper — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 16:03:20 +0000

The use of recreational drugs by students at the Shalampax School has gotten out of hand. After much debate, the school board has finally agreed to do something about this outrageous situation. Effective immediately, any student who is caught smoking marijuana will be forced to remain after the rest of the class has been dismissed. [...]

WikiLeaks Snub

Birdinhand — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 20:34:32 +0000

It’s rare to find a Shalampaxian upset about anything because getting upset requires more effort than most Shalampaxians are willing to expend on anything that doesn’t stand a good chance of making them great gobs of money. And, even then there are very narrow limits on how much energy we’re willing to devote to the [...]

National Gravity Day

Birdinhand — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 03:05:48 +0000

Tomorrow is National Gravity Day in Shalampax. To celebrate this holiday, everyone is expected to honor gravity by staying in bed and not getting up for the whole day. It would be a good idea to prepare for this celebration by putting a stock of nonperishable, unwrapped food beside your pillow and a bedpan beside [...]