Shalampax Speaks

Shakespeare Abridged

Stoneupnose — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 19:32:48 +0000

How now, peeps? I’m thrilled to be able to announce that Shabbycardigan is preparing to stage abridged versions of all of William Shakespeare’s plays together as a merged theatrical extravaganza. In the interest of time, and to ensure that theatergoers don’t enter a REM sleep state during the show, Shabbycardigan will perform only the first [...]

Medical Malpractice Lawsuits

Snotontable — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 14:36:36 +0000

You’ve got to hand it to Asskisser. Her business acumen is unimpeachable. And when I say “You’ve got to hand it to Asskisser,” by “it” I mean all of your money because, one way or another, she’s going to get it one of these days anyway. A while back, I told you about Asskisser’s new [...]

Loan Conslidation

Stoneupnose — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 18:32:54 +0000

Hey peeps, long time no peep. Shalampaxians are known for their financial wizardry. Most of us are masters of business. (Then again, much of what’s called business in Shalampax is called an indictable offence elsewhere.) Nonetheless, there is one dollar-dullard in Shalampax, Shreddeddollar. His name is purely coincidental. Not able to control his spending, Shreddeddollar [...]

Asbestos Hedging

Snotontable — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 19:41:22 +0000

Asskisser, one of Shalampax’s most innovative and successful businesspeople, is busy executing one of her biggest, boldest business brainstorms yet. She is quietly buying up as many of the world’s asbestos mines as she can get her hands on. Of course, I don’t mean literally “get her hands on.” That stuff is almost certainly carcinogenic. [...]

Escape from God 148 Piety

Birdinhand — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 02:10:27 +0000

I am pleased to report that most Shalampaxians have emaciated themselves into accepting the inescapable truth that forsaking their devout worship of God 148 is the only sane and survivable course of action, despite the inevitability of being denounced as infidels and shunned by those few souls who are still pious in their God 148ly beliefs and [...]

Cockroach Sustenance

Birdinhand — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 20:36:10 +0000

Something strange has been happening here in Shalampax. And, until recently, I haven’t been able to explain it. We used to be overrun with cockroaches. The little buggers thrived here because, although we hated them, we were too lazy to do anything about them. Nobody ever vacuumed or swept their apartments because that was too [...]

God 148 Quirks

Birdinhand — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 16:14:50 +0000

In my last couple of posts (here and here) I told you about some of the disadvantages of worshipping God 148. There are others. For example, She expects us to punish adulteresses by stoning them to death. We are supposed to punish male adulterers by forcing them to gather the stones used to stone the [...]

Full-time Prayer

Birdinhand — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 14:25:14 +0000

In my previous post, I told you about some of the pitfalls of choosing God 148 as the one God to worship out of all the infinite number of Gods, but I didn’t mention the worst of it. The praying required when God 148 is your God is unbearable. The content of the prayers isn’t [...]

Religious Rest

Birdinhand — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 16:06:16 +0000

It’s been a very long time since anyone has posted here. I’m sorry about that. Due to a sudden outbreak of mass hysteria, no one felt like writing anything. That’s a bit misleading, isn’t it? No one in Shalampax has ever felt like writing anything because it is too much like work. But, in the [...]

Building Listing

Birdinhand — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 21:11:52 +0000

For some time now, many of us here in Shalampax have had the feeling that our building is leaning to one side. Most of us ignored this feeling as we assumed that it was merely a result of our near-constant intoxication. However, it turns out that our drunkenness, perception-skewing though it may be, was not [...]