Reverend Awesome

WWKD? Sex with Semi-Strangers Edition

2012-01-24T14:21:00.000-08:00

I keep sleeping with men and then being shocked and disappointed when they don't like me.

I mean, not every night, not every week, not even every month. A couple times a year. I meet a guy, I feel like we have this AMAZING connection. There is drinking involved. But not a TON. But there it is.

Eyes meet. We laugh and have a million things to talk about. THIS IS IT, this is my moment, this is the part in the movie where the girl finally gets the guy. It's magical.

So I sleep with him and what do you know, he doesn't give a flying fck about me the next day.

I know what I have to do. Stop drinking and stop sleeping with strangers.

DUH, I know.

I guess I am more concerned with the fact that every guy I meet that I think I have a connection with, I think he's The One and all common sense takes a flying fcking leap out the window.

I met this guy on Saturday. At a restaurant bar while my friends and I were waiting for a table. He was in town on business. (I know, I know, but this is a real story, not a Lifetime movie!) We TOTALLY hit it off from minute #1. Flirting, talking. I was feeling pretty good.

He said all the right things, made all the right compliments and sounded 100% sincere. So I threw caution (and intelligence) to the wind and went to his hotel room. Of course the next morning he says he'll call me.

A few days pass. Nothing.

So I texted him and said, I was kinda hoping to see you again! His response, "yeah sorry not gonna happen".

How am I ever going to tell the difference between guys who are really nice and those who are like HIM. And the guy before him. And the one before HIM. Also am struggling with feelings of sluttiness and guilt. I am a HOT MESS.

WWKD? Besides not sleep with strangers?

…….

I get this. You're feeling it, he's feeling it, you have sex. But the whole experience leaves you feeling guilty and bad. That's not a good way to feel. You deserve better than that! I demand that you demand better than that! So, for the sake of your own sanity slow things down a bit. A lot of jerks can pull off charming if they just have to hide their assholery for a night. Don't let someone that's not worth it make you feel like a bad person! Make them prove they can remain non-jerks for a bit. Maybe set a certain amount of time you have to spend in their presence before they've proven they're worthy of you. Hell, tell them about it. If they think you're a weirdo and want no part of it, well screw them! But don't screw them. That's the point.

Your words and hopes are not that of a slut. They're the hopes of a romantic, looking for Mr. Right. You want this guy to be the one, but you don't really know him yet. So all your ideas of what he is are the ideals of Mr. Right you have in your head. He hasn't done anything to prove to you that he's any of these things. Make him show you why you shouldn't be telling him, "Sorry, not gonna happen."

You're worth the wait. If you can't convince yourself of that than do it for me! Creepy...

But really, do it for yourself. You'll see. I promise. Have fun! Go on dates! Then have crazy fun sex with a non-stranger! Happy times.

Sometimes, not often, people want my advice. If you are ever feeling like you'd like some advice email me at helpmekasey@gmail.com! Good luck out there, everybody.

Wishful Thinking

2012-01-23T20:45:00.000-08:00

I wish there would just be one week ONE WEEK where something totally idiotic didn't happen. Is that too much to ask!? My freaking ions and bright lights can only do so much.

I'm going to figure out my birthday number. Maybe that will have some answers for me. I'm grasping at mystical straws here. A psychic could totally take advantage of my mental state.

Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path. Certainly, you are one who can work very well with people, but at the same time you need a good bit of time to be by your self to rest and meditate. Regardless of your life path number, there is a very humanistic and philanthropic approach in most of things that you do. This birthday helps you be broadminded, tolerant, generous and very cooperative. You are the type of person who uses persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends. You tend to be very sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you able to give much in the way of friendship without expecting a lot in return.

There you have it, a 9 energy that explains it all. Actually I'd like to be less sensitive.
Let me go read more about that...maybe find out my birth color.

Hoarders: James and Carrie

2012-01-23T19:14:00.000-08:00

That is what Dr. Melva Green had to say about tonight's episode. I have not grabbed my tissues yet. The bathroom isn't far away. Okay, I don't have any tissues in the house other than toilet paper. We just don't keep them on hand. Everyone else probably does and that is just one more thing I'm not doing right as an adult.

We have a mountain of piss bottles to look forward to, let's get to it.

Carrie, Washington
Two days earlier she was picking up pebbles on a beach at sunset, now this.

"This house is a disaster. When I make a mess I don't fool around." That's what Carrie has to say about her hoard. She hasn't had heat or water for 3 years. You know what that means? NO PLUMBING! There's poop everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. The toilet is filled, obviously, but so is the tub.

Carrie was adopted at 5 days old. Her parents both had alcohol problems. In the 3rd grade she was attacked and raped. That set her up for a pattern of abuse in her life. She was raped 13 times starting when she was 7 years old. She had no sense of self or value. She's been fighting it with religion and therapy.

"I think I buried myself in garbage because I felt like I was discarded in my life. There's a bit of me that feels a bit like trash. Like Oscar in his can." Carrie. She's already figured out what brought on the hoard. Dr. Green will help her deal with it.

Fuck her friend telling her to get over it. "We all have trauma in our house get over it. Clean your fucking house." And how is this woman her friend? You don't talk that way about your friend. Her daughter gets it. She's been hurt by it, but she gets where it comes from. This woman is pukey.

Her daughter Trish was bullied in school because of her mom's hoard.

Here's Dr. Green! She is not wearing orange eye shadow to match her vest, but she is wearing gold and it looks stunning.

Why does she have to be urinating in apple juice bottles?! Don't buy apple juice if you're also pissing in bottles. That's just setting yourself up to accidentally take a chug of pee.

Carrie is a Buddhist.

Matt Paxton is here!

The smell has been described as fermented poop and Paxton is just standing there sans mask. "Matt Paxton only has 4 senses." -Scott

Trish calls the fermented poop and urine smell her Mom's perfume. It reminds her of growing up.

Matt and Dr. Green are bringing Carrie in to face her hoard. Matt's voice has raised a few octaves and he's making them face the pee bottles.

Trish is having a breakdown/breakthrough with Dr. Green. Dr. Green brings out these moments in people.

Paxton says this is the house he found his book in. Paxton's book doesn't guarantee you're going to stop being a hoarder. P.S. Paxton has a podcast, 5 Decisions Away.

Carrie ceremoniously threw out a cleat. Happy days! All in all she let go of 55,000 pounds of stuff. Now the inspector is here. I sort of feel like Carrie's friend wishes that it wouldn't have been so successful. She's that kind of friend.

They made over a room for Carrie! Her and her daughter are using it for chanting.

She's working with a therapist and is using her aftercare funds. She's in regular contact with her daughter.

James, retired policeman
Orland, California

Instead of going fishing he goes to yard sales and swap meets.

The city has been pressuring James since 2007 to clean up his property. Years of pressure aren't working.

James lives in America where you own property, you pay taxes, and you get your free rascal scooter from Medicare.

James has a crapload of bowling balls. This is his fun life and he'd like it if everyone could just back off.

Zasio is dressed nice. Too nice for a hoard.

James doesn't want to make any decisions. He just wants to sit around under the American flag in a hat.

HORSE SHIT! James is going to paint pictures in a rusted out pan. He's got a plan. Now he's yelling at Chamlers.

DETERIORATED CANTALOUPE INSIDE! We don't get to see inside though. Why don't we get to see inside? This isn't fair. This is America, James. Let us see inside of your house. ("This is America" is going to be my new argument for everything.)

James is whatever. He's using his aftercare funds to clean up and isn't seeing a therapist.

Science

2012-01-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

Here's what's going on in our household, that's right, science. That's light shining at me is going to convince my brain that it's all good times. My brain will think it's Summer and that I'm sitting by a waterfall just enjoying some negative ions and things. I think it's working!

I'm trying to pay more attention to my body and want to make it happy and all that.

Back to all the science. An important part of Science is keeping records. Everyone knows that. How will you prove your results without records and facts? YOU CAN'T! I've been keeping sleep records for a few weeks now. (15 nights to be exact.) The average amount of sleep I get a day, 7 hours and 46 min. I'd say that's pretty good! I love going to bed at a reasonable hour and waking up feeling like it's time to wake up.

I downloaded this app Sleep Cycle at Bob Jackson's recommendation. You know I trust everything he says. That's because Bob Jackson knows best. I set my alarm for whatever time I wake up and there's a 20 min time span before that where it will wake me up if I am not in a deep sleep. So it keeps your dreams from being ruined and it doesn't volt me awake. It eases me awake. I lay my phone on the bed face down and it can feel when I'm deep asleep or just regular asleep. It uses the accelerometer in the phone and what feels like a little bit of magic.

Here's how I've been sleeping these past few days:

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

There you have it, science.

Happy Birthday, Billy!

2012-01-18T12:18:00.000-08:00

Billy Short and Sireono Sheley (photo by Scott)

Today is Billy Short's birthday. You're probably asking yourself, (You're not. You don't care.) "Why does Kasey keep writing posts about Billy Short. It's nothing but Billy Short and Hoarders up in here."

Listen, what I do here is my business, but here's the deal…

My friend posted about the images that appear in a google image search of himself. I google image searched myself and he was there. Then I searched him I was there in his search. (I'd like to point out that this is all my blogs fault.) Guess who else was pictured in my google image search? That's right, Billy Short. Guess who doesn't appear in a google image search of "Billy Short"? Billy Short. It's just an endless stream of boots.

So that's my new goal. I want a picture of Billy to appear in an image search for Billy.

This post is more than just me being a weirdo. I copied and pasted some of my favorite, recent Billy tweets. (If you're on twitter FOLLOW HIM /@wondertaint)

.......

Comics using the word "faggot": Maybe include something funny or not throw around derogatory terms, eh? What defense is there otherwise?

The Science Center has handles on their urinals. I expected a laser to evicerate all waste from my body... or at least auto-flush sensors.

I knew this guy from the Netherlands, who once asked to see MY Nether-regions; saying, "we can do this my way or we can do this Norway."

People fearing a "gay" virus should be more worried about the scientifically verified to exist, "scoliosis." It's made kids not straight.

Time to get reacquainted with the local open mic schedule... 2012 seems like a good year to "quit" comedy again.

Moral of Young Adult: Some day, a hot lady might just be crazy enough to have drunk sex with me.

Was Jim Morrison ever in a hair metal band called, the Pompadoors? No, because he died.

If we gave Congress a 200% pay raise, maybe they wouldn't need money so much and could actually be effective again?

I don't trust "pure" Florida orange juice. I've been to Florida. There is nothing "pure" in Florida.

Hoarders: Mary and Annie

2012-01-16T19:13:00.000-08:00

Mary—doesn't know how to describe herself

North East, Maryland
We're starting it off with Paxton coming upon an unconscience Mary. Is this a flash forward? What is this all about, A&E?

She's a cat hoarder so this will be decidedly unpleasant.

Mary thinks her things are better than new things. They're better quality, they're covered in urine and they're hers.

Social Services got 3 steps inside Mary's door and refused to go any further. In Mary's words, "They came in and put the boom down." And that immediately endears me to Mary and they're going to find dead cats in her house.

When did the hoarding spiral out of control? When Mary lost her mother, father and grandmother. Her Mom was her best friend.

Mary's cousin John is the nicest. He came up with a plan to help Mary. When it came to it she wouldn't go through with it. Something about her roots being deeper the trees.

The floor isn't solid. It's spongey with garbage and feces. She's building a poop bounce house. Get the cats and the humans out of that freaking house! My god. How is our dear doctor walking around without a mask?

"I pee myself at night and I can't afford those pads." Mary just puts newspapers on top of her urine mattress, then the cats pee on it and she lays on it. This is one of those horror vomit episodes.

Somewhere in a pile of feces Mary has a super odor eater air freshener. Does that claim to cover the scent of a room full of human feces? That's some pretty heavy duty air freshener.

Okay, so that whole ambulance scene is happening now. What's the deal with that, A&E? Why did we see this before we saw this? Well, Mary was released from the hospital. She agreed to let Paxton clean and save the cats. The doctors said her living conditions contributed to her getting sick. Obviously.

MOST UNSTABLE HOME PAXTON'S BEEN IN! Matt is big on statements like that. He likes to sort experiences according to extremeness.

The house is unlivable. It's being held up by a 4x4 and zero nails.

Paxton is gathering up a foundation for Mary to rebuild her life. She can't stay in the house. There's no way. And now he's walking the housing inspector around and he's sitting on a urine mattress! MATT!
He's numb to it all.

Mary is moving out. She's safe. Her cousin John is so happy! She's losing her house, but her family is still there for her.

She's seeing a therapist and living in low-income housing. I'd also like to add that I didn't see any dead cats. They were not well, but they were alive.

Annie from Missouri, professional house cleaner (For real!)
Annie also "takes care" of her disabled husband.

Freddie is Annie's son. He looks like whoever sang that Runaway Train song. He takes naps for the majority of his life so he's not really worried about the hoarding.

When did Annie's hoarding spiral out of control? When she had kids and couldn't keep up with the housework.

There are roaches everywhere! You wouldn't be able to take a step without landing on a roach. It's like the walls are just moving. Some Temple of Doom shit.

Mark Pfeffer gets Annie. Do you think our doctors and clean-up crew argue about who had to deal with the grosset hoard?

"She doesn't see the impact the roaches and the filth are having on her family." Mark Pfeffer

Poor Freddie has to deal with being 15 and living in a hoard. Being a teen is hard enough without this situation on top of it!

Annie can't make a decision. Freddie can't make a decision. No one is ever deciding anything in this house so everything is just everywhere.

"The mother that he likes might not be the mother that he needs." Wise words from Mark. He's dropping a lot of knowledge this episode.

Mark also says that Annie's only voice is her hoard.

Annie says her wedding band is in the dumpster. So she's digging through the dumpster. She was sorting through hoard and the clean-up crew just started gathering it from around her and she got off and let them take it to the truck. Now she has to dig through the truck.

Dorothy is mad. She is just sickened about this ring business. She says they need to find the ring or this whole thing will just be a terrible experience for Annie.

Dorothy pissed off her crew by making them dig through the dumpster looking for Annie's wedding ring.

They found it! Those guys really through out her wedding ring, huh?! TRUST ENAGED! Dorothy knows what she's doing. If she tells you to dig through the dumpster you dig through the freaking dumpster!

The cleaning goes into overdrive. Family is there. Annie is on a cleaning spree!

Freddie is as thrilled as you'll ever see a 15 year old boy about their newly cleaned house.

Annie hasn't scheduled an aftercare appointment. Her house is still clean, but it's still infested with roaches.

Billy Short

2012-01-16T16:24:00.000-08:00

This is Billy Short. He's a comedian, we wrote a movie together, he's on the twitter and he makes chocolate. He's not a boot! Google thinks he is. Shows you how much it knows.

Hoarders: Barbara and Richard

2012-01-09T19:08:00.000-08:00

Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder. Let's all get to watching some people with mental problems, shall we? Okay! Here we go.

Barbara—Merritt Island, Florida

Barbara does, in the words of her daughter Rebecca, "whatever the fuck she wants". Being able to do that is my life goal, minus the hoarding.

Oh we're doing a strange 2-day earlier flashback of Barbara mowing the lawn while wearing an unsupportive bra. She calls herself disorganized. Not a hoarder.

Jerry is Barbara's younger brother. He is pulling out the ol' "I would feel like I was in Abu Grabib prison" card about Barbie's living conditions.

Harry is Barb's son. Rebecca and Harry don't want their mom to die in a pile of hoard.

2 devastating losses triggered the hoarding. Oh no. 2 of her sons died within the span of 6 months. The older son committed suicide and the younger boy died of Hodgkin's lymphoma.

The music for this episode can only be described as epic.

Dr. Scott Haneonaldgalkjf I just can't learn his name. He's a fine man, he's doing a hell of a job, but I have no idea how to say or spell his name.

THE PAXTONATOR! He made Barbara raise her hand declaring herself tired of the hoard. We all know she's not that tired of it.

Barbara's lack of emotion means we're on the verge of a total meltdown.

Babs learned some shit in Japan and Korea. I don't know what she learned, but it might be that a daughter shouldn't call her mom a douche bag.

SHE'S NOT A FAST READER! She needs her buttons and to hell with everyone!

Matt Paxton One-Liner Hoard
She is a pro. She is awesome at acquiring things of no value.
It's easier to be the crazy lady than it is to be the person that has to clean.
Is there anyway you could let me trash these books since they're covered in rat feces?

Barbara and her family realized that hoarding is not a one person deal. They're all helping each other and she's learning to deal with reality.

She's seeing a therapist and an organization specialist.

Richard from Minnesota.
He's got swagger, hipster glasses and a stylish jacket.

He likes pretty things. Get ready for a lot of treasures, everybody! 100's of lamps and sheet sets, jewelry, pottery, silver settings, laptop bags, canvas bags, leather bags, nice high quality clothing. I mean, he's got some good shit in here! He doesn't have anywhere to walk in his house anymore, but who cares when you have all those pretty things you get to climb over?

A year ago someone called the cops on Richard's hoard. He's currently living in a homeless shelter, in a 6' x 8' room. As you may have guessed, he's begun hoarding out his homeless shelter space. He's totally disgusted with the homeless shelter for evicting him. He was just making his room nice by filling it floor to ceiling with pretty things. Why can't you just let Richard be great?!

Richard considers himself the outcast of the family. Does Richard know he's gay? I think he's casting himself out from his family because he's ashamed of himself. DON'T BE ASHAMED, Richard! Be out and proud and throw away your stuff.

2008 is when the nice thing collecting spiraled out of control. He was working at a men's clothing store that went out of business. He was out of work and felt old and ugly. He decided he was unemployable and stopped working and paying his bills. He didn't stop shopping though.

Coming up on Hoarders!? When did we start doing this? Have we always done this and I never noticed. No way. I'd notice. This is a new feature A&E is springing on us.

DR. GREEN! She is one of the VERY few people that looks good matching their eye shadow to their outfit. She learned that art in her modeling days I have decided she had.

"Drew Carey's let himself go." -Scott

"I want all of the clocks and lamps." Richard

He's having some trouble letting go of the new stuff in boxes (even though it's covered in mouse droppings).

Dr. Greens' analysis: Rich has mastered not letting anyone into his feelings. He's mastered shutting down. Richard hasn't come to terms with his identity overall and overly identifies with all of his stuff. Bless her heart. She says he's gay without saying he's gay.

Rich has convinced himself that his family is ashamed of him. They aren't. They are screaming how much they care at him. I think it's getting through. He's a tough nut to crack.

The "Coming Up" makes it seem like Richard is about to come out of the closet. That would be so amazing. A Hoarders milestone!

His sisters want Richard to "emerge from your cocoon". In Minnesota they call closets "cocoons".

Richard found a picture of his dead dog. Gonna have to take a breather.

Rich is talking to his family off camera. HE CAME OUT! Oh my gosh! HAPPY DAYS!!!!!! Congrats, Richard!!! I'm so happy! This is the happiest episode ever!1

Richard says he is going to rise out of the flames like a phoenix. I believe him! The homeless shelter is letting him stay until he can get his house back up to code.

2011: A Look Back

2012-01-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

I'm a little late to the whole beginning of a new year, look back on the past year thing. This is my blog though so can decide that 8 days into 2012 is the perfect time to look back. So, here we go.

In January we got a new couch. It was kind of a big deal. We were couchless for a week. Why? Oh we thought it would be fun to just have space without furniture for awhile and figured that would be fun for about a week. We were wrong. That was fun for a day. Also, we ripped our couch to shreds. That also brought us great joy for a few hours before we realized we were idiots.

I also broke our computer and we had to get a new hard drive. Hero Bob Jackson helped us out there.

Then I had to block a relative from my life. My advice to you? If someone you know thinks Sarah Palin is a reasonable person don't give them the benefit of the doubt. It felt nice to get some people that were adding nothing positive to my life out of it.

February is my birthday month. We had a lovely lunch at the hospital. (FYI: The hospital cafeteria has gone downhill. Our favorite employees are gone, it's way less great.)

My bike, Danger, got a tune-up. There was a Bacon Rebellion.

Scott and I went and saw Marc Maron at the Mall of America. I was also sent my beloved Glen the Rat bowl from my friend Maureen. So, all in all February was pretty great.

We also had many adventures with Jesus the Unicorn.

And now March. Let me go see what was going on in March. (See how handy it is having a blog.)

March is my friend Gary's birthday and his lovely wife Maude! So, March has that going for it.

Scott started a new podcast. Hopefully soon he will have the time to get going on that again because I love the No Segways podcast and all those involved in it.

High Five Friday became a thing!

In April I interviewed Scott! Sidenote: I should start doing more interviews for my blog. Other people are far more interesting than myself.

April was kinda hard on me personally. I felt not that happy with myself just because I was spending too much time believing what other people thought of me. So, I gave myself a little pep talk. I also carved my friend My into a crayon.

And then it was May. What happened then? Well Scott performed a set at the Beechwood Lounge.

I got an iPhone! Now, that sounds totally silly to even bring up here on an end of the year recap, but it's pretty amazing and has brought so much joy into my life. For that reason I'm saying getting an iPhone is something worth noting.

Now onto the big stuff. I TRIED SUSHI! What the hell!? I'm still blowing my own mind with this one. I'm a huge food coward, but I'm getting braver all the time.

I was a semi-frequent guest on Scott's first podcasting venture, The Underground Pirate Ship.

May was also a huge month for me and kites.

We've made it to the middle! June was the month that Scott and I got totally weirded out by getting a couple's massage. Those were the days. The days when planking was a popular meme.

I wrote a post explaining how the internet is more than just a place for porn. Baby William started walking and the world hasn't been the same since.

June is also the month that I decided I would take my braveness to a whole new level by wearing shorts to work! (I'm in the chucks and pink argyle socks.) I also tried to bring a little of a yard to our 15th floor apartment by setting up a faux garden.

In July we took a trip to the Omaha Zoo.

We also went camping in Dewitt and visited Scott's friend, Luke.

We found out that my Grandma Nancy had cancer. I also did my yearly sparkler celebration of America.

August was a crazy time. We made a movie! In 48 hours we made a movie.

I also fulfilled my duty as an Iowan and went to the fair. I am going to resolve to not go to the fair this year. Lesson learned. The fair is not for us.

One of the more exciting and joyous events of the year happened in August. My brother Kyle shot the last rocket of his Marine Corp career.

September aka Sep-TIMMMMBER

This is the month I wanted to blog more and I've been blogging less ever since. So, that sucks.

I did start meditating this month. I think meditating is good for me. It helps get me out of my own head for awhile.

My Grandma Nancy was not doing well.

There was sooo much comedy stuff going on that it was kind of overwhelming. There were contests Scott was in and just all sorts of things. September brought on severe comedy burn out. We're still recovering. Scott has a show at the end of this month, hopefully that will be the aloe that this burn out has been needing.

And now to October. It had its ups and downs.

The up was that Scott and I have been married for a year! It has really been a great year. We planned an anniversary roadtrip to Deadwood to celebrate.

Scott had more comedy goings on. A really fun show put on by our friend Dan Umthun. Our road trip was great. You don't realize how much you need to get away until you get away.

While we were on our trip my Grandma passed away. Before we left she was put into hospice. The last time I saw her she wasn't doing well at all. We did have one good, last laugh. So I'm grateful for that. I still feel so guilty that I wasn't at her funeral. My Grandpa has been doing good.

October taught me that I'm not that great at talking about my feelings. Something to work on for 2012.

I didn't go trick or treating with the nieces and nephew this year. That also had me super bummed out, but I brought some joy to Halloween by carving a Ron Swanson pumpkin. I made my own stencil and everything!

Onward and upward to November.

I didn't start November off with my mind in a happy place. We had been working hard on our bra for Bras for the Cause and I should have been pumped, but I was just emotionally exhausted.

The night of the Gala was super fun and our bra was auctioned for $875. The whole evening pumped some much needed life into me.

Another thing I needed? Something silly and fun. Everything was starting to feel way too serious. Thankfully Missy had the brilliant idea that we should both order a Forever Lazy. Forever Lazies are forever fun. I'm so happy with our decision!

I also put up my tiny little Christmas tree on Thanksgiving. We don't really have room for a tree sized tree. It's okay. Our tiny tree oozed Christmas spirit. It got the job done.

It put a huge smile on my face seeing the little skully ornament that my friend Gary made for me.

And we made it. All the way to December.

Scott and I got pre-approved for a loan and started getting serious about the whole home owning thing. Big time adult stuff. Scary and exciting.

Christmas was GREAT! We ended the year on a high note. It was shaky there for awhile, but 2011 really pulled through.

Baby William and I listened to Single Ladies sooo many times. Singing and dancing each time. It's his favorite song. As Will said, "He's listened to that song every day for a year." It's safe to say it's his favorite. Tori and Alyssa were their wild selves. Kyle had Tyson for the day and he thinks I'm hilarious. Mom made lasagna. Christmas was fantastic. Zero snow, but fantastic.

And the whole house hunting thing came to an end because we found our house!

It doesn't feel real yet. I don't think it will until we have the keys in our hand. For now we just have to keep gathering things to send to the bank. I hear there will be a lot of paper signing the day it finally becomes ours. So, that will be our big adventure for 2012.

During December I also collaborated on a project I'm really proud of, the CAN-endar. Which you should totally buy! From HERE or from me personally. It's 1 dollar per month. (They are being shipped next week). All proceeds, 100%, will go to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

I guess I'll wrap it up here.

Thanks for reading and being a part of my life. Cheers to an amazing 2012 for all of us! Let's all keep being great!

Hoarders: Norman and Linda

2012-01-02T19:07:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2012 and welcome to a new season of Hoarders! I hope you all have had a lovely holiday season. I'm ready to get back to business here on the internet.

Norman, good balance-haver and Buffalo Bill impressionist
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Norm is Norm's Dad, he feels responsible for his son's hoarding, he's in the antique business. Antique collecting is such a slippery slope to hoarding. For real. Be careful when you decide you're going to start collecting antiques, don't start COLLECTIONING antiques.

The hoarding spiraled out of control when his live-in girlfriend, Jeneveve got into an accident. They don't say what exactly the accident was so that makes me think it was alcohol related. She was agoraphobic so they just stayed in the house, drank booze and ordered shit off TV. (Matt Paxton has warned us all about the dangers of HSN.) Jeneveve started having seizures, brought on by her alcoholism. She got sick, but they didn't go to the doctor. Norman couldn't carry her out of the hoard, paramedics had trouble getting to her. When they saw her they told Norman she had been dead for a long time. That was 7 weeks ago, now the city is scheduled to condemn his house.

Dr. Melva Green! I kind of love her blue eyeshadow. She has mixed feelings about it.

Cory Chamlers is on clean-up and additional support, as the clean-up crew is never just the clean-up crew on Hoarders.

Norman has locked himself in his mini-van...with the window down so the lock is just ceremonial.
Dr. Green convinces him to unlock himself and rejoin the clean-up.

Norman's mom, Joan, hasn't been to his house for 8 years. She is just standing around crying, Dr. Green makes her admit to herself that she has been avoiding her son.

There are empty booze bottles and bottles of pee where his girlfriend both slept and died. Never like to see a pee bottle, especially in this situation.

Norman is totally having a breakthrough. He's now cleaning like a mad man. He's super-charged by his family's love. He's hugging Chamlers, telling him he'll forever be a part of his life. Hugging Dr. Green. He's currently living with his parents, meeting with a therapist and a biohazard crew came and cleaned up

Linda, she's not in the best of health and neither is her house
Madisonville, Louisiana

Linda's sons, Andre (42) and Shawn (also a middle-aged man), both live with her. One moved out for awhile, but he's back. They both contribute to her hoarding. Get the hell out of your mom's house! Shawn has an iMac sitting on top of hoard. A Mac deserves better.

When did the hoarding spiral out of control we must always ask ourselves? 12 years ago when Linda's husband died.

Dr. Chabaud is on the case.

What made Linda want to change her hoarding ways? She fell and realized that if she needed help the EMT wouldn't be able to get her. She has put off a surgery because she knew she would need a home healthcare aid and if they saw her house they would turn her in and she would be homeless.

Linda's sister is anti-funk and Linda's pretty funky. At least I think she was saying "funk".

We've uncovered Linda's secret obsession. What is it!? Oh...it's pots and pans. I get that you want to build up the drama A&E, but calling it a "secret" obsession makes it seem like it will be something torrid, not pots and pans. Her son asks her if she wants to live with pots and pans or people...maybe that's it. She's trying to hoard her sons out of the house. She'll never rid herself of those boys, they're living-with-Momma lifers.

At the end of the day, Linda loves her some pots and pans. She's seeing a therapist and will maybe see a family therapist in the future.

Yes You CAN! (Buy a CAN-endar)

2011-12-27T18:04:00.000-08:00

Did you guys know I was in a cult? I am! I've told you about it before. And again. Well, myself and some other cult members (including our cult leader) got together and made a ~~calendar~~ CAN-endar. Behold!

Oh wow. Isn't that wonderful? How did such a thing come to be? Santa was involved.

As was Billy Crystal.

But what does it all mean? We already have calendars and they tell us the month and date. Where's the fun? Where's your inspiration? Where's the spot to write yourself some good time goals!? Regular calendars contain zero of that stuff. To hell with regular calendars!

This CAN-endar will change your life or at the very least change your wall. That's not all it will do! 100% of the profits are going to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Holy crap. What can't this CAN-endar do?

The Immaculata is a proud supporter of Vanessa Ragland's quest to become woman of the year. Watch the video to find out more about her quest and be mesmerized by her eyebrows. Her eyebrows helped make this CAN-ender happen. Between her eyebrows and this CAN-endar, cancer is about to get its ass kicked.

And we know that the year is about to begin and apologize you won't have it by New Year's, but think of how productive you'll be come mid-January!

You totally want one now don't you? YAY! You're the best. Click HERE for purchasing information.

Being a Weirdo at the Holidays

2011-12-19T20:09:00.000-08:00

What was I doing last year at this time? Bitching about the holidays? I don't know. That's what I want to do this year, but I'll refrain. I'll go check and see what I was talking about.

I guess I was kinda talking about resolutions and stuff.

I see I've only written 2 blogs this month and that is a disgrace. I am so ashamed of myself. Like my facebook event invitations, this is something that probably only bothers me. I don't imagine anyone is out there keep track of how many posts I've done this month. If you are, I'm sorry. This month has been weird. I keep pushing through it though and soon it won't be this year anymore and we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Or I can. Let's all do it though! Sighs of relief for all!

This year I will kind of try to make some resolutions. Not weird things like giving up this or that. I'M NOT GIVING UP ANYTHING! I resolve to continue to try new things. Not just food wise, but life wise. Just continue to try to be adventurous, even if it is just in little ways. Little adventures are big adventures to me. And I want to try to stop feeling guilty about everything like a weirdo! Feeling guilty over facebook event invites. Who does that? Me. I need to stop. And I wanna keep making things for the joy of it. RESOLUTIONS!

Social Networking

2011-12-13T18:58:00.000-08:00

My facebook event invite situation is out of control. Do you then feel guilty because you can't attend all these things that people invited you to? No, you probably don't because you're a normal person that knows they can't possibly attend every event that everyone has going on. Do the people doing the inviting notice that you aren't attending and are they holding it against you? Probably! (Probably not.) In fact, it seems kind of egotistical of me to think that my presence would enhance an event. I mean, there were 100-300 other people invited. Do I think I'm more important than all of those people? No.

The whole facebook event area just fills me with guilt. I don't need it.

Lately the worst event in the history of events has hit facebook. WEIGHT LOSS PARTIES. It's this shake thing and then you convince other people to drink shakes for meals and somehow you're making money and this isn't a pyramid scheme...(this is a pyramid scheme).

My first thought at witnessing this phenomenon hit my feed, "No one better invite me to one of these god damn weight loss parties." Guess what happened yesterday? I was invited to a weight loss party! Not just any weight loss party, but this horrible scheming weight loss party. Damn it all!

The one good thing that has come of this is that I am no longer going to feel guilty about not being able to attend all the events in the history of Des Moines. This invitation has freed me from guilt.
Thanks, Vi!

What's Your Sign?

2011-12-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

I'm a Pisces. I think this song and interpretive dance explains all you need to know about me.

Bubble Drinks and The Holidays

2011-11-29T18:40:00.000-08:00

First off, look at this drink I ordered the other night. I didn't see where it said it would be bubbling in the description! So that was extra exciting.

The holiday season is in full effect. We have a wreath on our door. We put the tree up. Well...tree is being generous, it's our Christmas shrub. Our apartment is bursting with holiday spirit! We even decorated stockings at the office. THERE'S NO ESCAPING CHRISTMAS! Except in my car. I should decorate my car.

And now, let's take a little internet tour of some holiday decor. Shall we? Well, I am, you can't stop me.

My work stocking.

And during the holidays you must always have a bowl of candy around the house. If you don't know what the candy is it's Cadbury chocolate balls, during Easter they are egg shaped. My Glen rat bowl that Maureen made me is out for all seasons! He's not just a Christmas decoration.

And here's our Christmas shrub! Isn't it festive? It's tiny, but I love it.

When I was a kid the Christmas tree was my favorite place to play. I would imagine little tree-cieties. The ornaments would have their own personalities and homes (nooks in the tree) and the ornaments had ornament friends they would go visit and hang out in their tree nook together. I would spend hours doing this. I would also make up little ornament conversations. My mom said she's witnessed similar tree play from Tori. Maybe all kids do that. Maybe Tori and I are tree weirdos, but it was fun.

Tiny Scott!

My little tree owl.

This penguin ornament is sort of big for the tree, but I don't care.
I do what I want.

Every tree needs a bead candy cane.

And the awesome skully ornament made by Gary.

Rudolph! He was on TV tonight!

So was his girlfriend.

That concludes your tour. Good night.

Hoarders: Mike/Michelle & Bonnie

2011-11-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

Matt Paxton has been talking this episode up for weeks! We've all seen the preview, Paxton and crew, piles of diapers and exiting the house in a panic. We just ordered a pizza, which may have been a mistake. We'll see how strong my stomach is, we're midway into the season, I should be able to deal?

Mike–Westminster, MD
Okay, this is Michelle actually. Do other Michelle's go by Mike?

She has 7 cats, seems semi-reasonable right? Nope. There's piles of cat shit everywhere.

Judy, her sister, is going along with this whole "Mike" thing. Mike does seem really nice. She looks like she'd be mean, but she's nice. I bet hoarding ages you. If you listened to Paxton's podcast you would learn there's a way to keep from aging, go to prison! It preserves you.

Mike has a bladder control problem so she just started leaving her dirty diapers in the bathroom.

Her nephew is a firefighter, he's smelled a dead body and it wasn't as terrible as Mike's diaper den.

The fumes from her house were so toxic that her kidneys started failing her. She spent a week in the hospital and 19 days in rehab. So she's been pissing up her sister's place because she couldn't go back to her house. Her sister is done having her as a guest.

She's got a George Foreman grill covered in crap. I admit, those things are kinda hard to clean. The commercial says they are easy but they are not. (I don't have poop on mine.)

Her and her sister Joanie were two peas in a pod. I'm sure they packed a lot of stuff in that pod.

4 years ago Joanie died of an embolism. I think that's when the poopy diapers came into the picture.

"Something in her soul is not right." Mike's nephew Russell in regards to Mike.

Dr. Green, a new Dr! She immediately discovers the floor is made of feces. She puts on a protective suit and makes her way to the diaper collecting room. Where's her protective suit? She's covering her face with a mask. I guess I was expecting her to come in wearing a radiation suit. She asks Mike if something died? She's giving her the benefit of the doubt there. Did something die or am I really staring at a mountain of poopy diapers? Dr. Green retired from modeling and is currently working with hoarders. (That is not true as far as I know, but she looks like a model.)

2 dead cats found, covered in fleas and maggots. A second cat was found behind the diapers. Gracie was her favorite cat, the one the died in her diapers. AND NOW SHE'S PETTING IT! NO!
(I'm done eating, BTW. I'm fine. Don't worry about me.)

Matt has been taken to the diaper room. EVACUATION! The house is shaking. But why? Oh, A&E, we don't need mid-episode cliff hangers.

The news says it's an earthquake, Paxton thinks the house is cursed. He saw his death before his eyes, drowning in a sea of Mike's diapers.

Another gruesome discovery. Another dead cat, Zach. He's been gone for 4 years. And another dead cat is discovered. Paxton demands to know, "Which one is that?"

They've made their way to Joanie's room. This isn't going to be pretty. She's going to lose it. She's faking a foot injury. She has something tied under her

"BEEP!" "BEEP!" "BEEP! BULL BEEP!"-Her nephew Russell

Judy finally confronts Mike about the hoarding. She's yelling, Mike's yelling. It's a moment, Dr. Green is soaking the moment in.

The house is just too disgusting to live in. Mike admits she needs to get help. She's still living with her sister Judy and they are both still working on cleaning her house.

Matt Paxton One-Liner Hoard

"There's poop everywhere you look. It's awful. And then throw a billion fleas on top of it."

"I don't want a flea landing on me that's been living in somebody's poop for five years."

"I can see why you ignored this. Disgusting." (re: diaper mountain)

"I'm going to bring 'em all in and say 'We're gonna clean up the rest of this poop. Everyone is gonna do it.'"

"Between cat and human poop, we took out 8,000 lbs. That's a lot of poop."

Bonnie–Palmdale, CA
She's a single mother of teens. She will be blaming them for the hoard. Mark my words. Teens are known problem causers, but they didn't do all that.

Bonnie has a waterbed, so there's that. The teens and Bonnie are all just hanging out on the ol' water bed, texting.

Bonnie swings at her daughter Paige sometimes, but she doesn't intend to hit her. So, another thing no one needs to worry about. Paige feels she is the mother of the household. (Pan to shot of Bonnie laying on the couch texting.)

They haven't had heat in their house for 8 years because things are broken but they're too embarrassed to let anyone in to fix it.

Bonnie hasn't been in her daughters' room in 3 years. That's every teen's dream come true, minus the hoarding.

Another shocking discovery! But, we're in Bonnie's house? It's not a dead cat. Oh, it's black mold. Now it's being called a wild card. Dr. Tompkins is going to make an anonymous call to CPS to see what to do.

Oh look, an uncashed check for $900. Why is this so common with hoarders?! And loads of unused gift certificates.

The carpet was removed, the outlook is good, the mold was mostly in the carpet. More good news, CPS says that the hoard is not a reportable event. They still have way too much stuff though.

Bonnie is currently working with a therapist and will get the help of an organizer soon. The teens have their very own rooms and are thrilled.

More successful than last week, but also a lot more poop.

Hoarders: Wilma and Nora

2011-11-21T19:10:00.000-08:00

Wilma, Southern belle from Georgia and a collector.

I just really love when people describe themselves as collectors. Especially when people can see that they are living in a home that should be condemned. The jig it up! You're a hoarder, you're even on a show called Hoarders. Maybe if they called it Collectors they could get more people to sign up.

The city has contacted Wilma about her home. And much like the honey badger, Wilma don't care.

Her kids felt hopeless and scared growing up. They played in collection tunnels.

Wilma chained her kids to the bed to punish them! She made her son pick out his own chain at the hardware store. But don't worry! He wasn't chained alone. He could get to the bathroom and his brother and sister were there. CPS removed the kids multiple times due to abuse and neglect. And probably because she chained her kids to the bed.

Wilma has hoarded out her mother's house and also ruined her children's memories of a wonderful place. So, she has that going for her.

Her son stated that Wilma can either accept help or die a lonely old lady. I feel like she's clearly chosen the route of lonely old lady.

Who needs walls when you have a perfectly good tarp? She sleeps on top of hoard. I imagine that's pretty hard on your back.

So her son is living there with her? The one she chained to the bed or another one? I don't even know at this point. Let's say it's not the kid that was chained to the bed because that is too messed up to even deal with.

The Possum from Hoarders has directed us to Dr. David Tolin's page. "Like" accordingly.

Cory Chalmers is on the Wilma case! She's pretty nutso, a great time for Cory to really shine.

Her son Dean is living with her, he calls his mother "Wilma", as you know, not calling your mom "mom" is a sure sign your Mom has totally ruined your life.

She's calling her children awful people. She gave up what she wanted to do in her life to raise them and she resents them. What did she want to do pre-kids? Let's guess. I'll say be the first female president. Then she chained her kid to the bed and knew that dream was over.

"You're pissing me off and I'm not even related to ya." -Cory Chalmers

Dr. Tolin is trying to get Wilma to take some resonsiblity for herself. Her response? She should never have had children. She's pretty much awful. And bless her kids for trying, but they will be better off without her in their lives. How sad. I hope they take after-care funds and can move on to have amazing lives!

Dean brought in a picture of his sister. Wilma told him to throw it away. She keeps topping herself in awfulness! Which is kind of amazing.

They removed 3 dump trucks worth of trash, the house is still 70% full and the house is uninhabitable.

Wilma would rather be homeless than live with her kids. Dean found temporary housing through CPS. Wilma's house is set to be bull-dozed and she's not answering CPS's calls.

Nora is a retired schoolteacher with an adorable voice.

Who could get mad at her? She would never chain anyone to the bed.

Nora's got a raging book addiction. I think she might also have a container addiction.

Nora is blaming her kids for hoarding. So, that's pretty crappy of her. She has that adorable voice though! She sounds like Betty Boop.

Nora suffered some losses. She lost her grandmother, her daughter moved into an apartment and her husband died. Nora sure does lay on the guilt! She refers to her daughter getting an apartment as "losing her best friend". Well, she's still alive Nora. Let her fly your rubbermaid coop.

Nora left kids at school unattended to go shopping. During one of her shopping excursions a child got hurt. Schools frown on things like that so she is no longer a teacher. Now she can devote her entire day to shopping!

Dr. Zasio and her dream voice and Nora's chipmunk voice together! And Dorothy Breininger! Oh jeez. I just don't think I will be able to deal with it if they have to yell at little Nora. See, that's how she gets away with it! By being adorable and having a tiny voice.

Nora told the crew to throw away everything.

I could watch Dorothy boss people around all day.

Nora semi-freaked out on Dorothy and apologized for the freak out mid-freak out. And somehow she keeps finding ways to out cute herself. Now she's rifling through magazines, including Southern Lady magazine. I think they should advertise that. Up subscriptions. "#1 choice of hoarders that don't have poop buckets"

Nora gave herself a black eye? Oh dear.

There were 3,000 containers when they arrived. They could only remove: 15 boxes going to charity, 5 boxes of trash, 5 bags of trash. In the words of Dorothy, "That's it." Holy moly was this a depressing episode. Well, they all are, but this one was off the charts sad.

Nora is seeing a therapist to learn some coping tools before continuing to work with an organizer. Her and her daughter hae had little contact since the clean-up. Pull through for us, Nora! I wanna see a happy update.

Forever Lazy

2011-11-17T17:24:00.000-08:00

It happened. I ordered myself a Forever Lazy. This is how it all went down...
I was just sitting on the couch, making a poster about crapping in buckets because the TV has hockey on it. I see that my friend Missy has posted on my facebook wall. What does she have to say? Oh nothing but the most brilliant idea EVER. We should both buy a Forever Lazy.

Missy–Fact: If you get a Forever Lazy, I will get a Forever Lazy. And I will wear it every day, while being...forever lazy. How meta.

Me–Duh yes! I'm in. Let's do this. I'm goign to go shopping for mine right now! Forever Lazy twins!

We ordered matching Forever Lazies in the best color ever, Hanky Panky Fuschia. Why isn't it Hanky Panky Pink? Doesn't that flow better? They don't care about flow! They care about color honesty. That is not pink, it's fuschia.

In 2-6 weeks our lives are going to change forever! I'm ready. I've never been more ready for anything in my life. I'm ready to live the Forever Lazy lifestyle.

The kind folks at Forever Lazy also threw in some free footies. Wow. What a wonderful decision we made!

5 Decisions Away

2011-11-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

This was made in honor of Matt Paxton and his famous quote, "We're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket." As heard in THIS episode of Hoarders.

5 Decisions Away is also the name of Matt's blog and podcast! His words are so inspiring that he inspires himself.

Hoarders: Eileen and Judy

2011-11-14T19:22:00.000-08:00

3 million people are compulsive hoarders. They tell us that every week. How many do you think are American?

Eileen, California.

She has 6 boys, 4 living there with her in the hoard.

Ron is Eileen's husband and he is pretty sure they are living in a trash heap. He's a fireman. He is mandated to report his house. "You're supposed to take action, but you just don't wanna take action."

Eileen isn't worried about them taking her kids away. Why? Well because it would be a good lesson for them to learn...What? Why do your kids need to learn the lesson of being taken away from their home? That's not a valuable life lesson.

Ron blames himself. Her son is blaming himself for being born. I'm sure Eileen is perfectly fine with the two of them taking on that blame. This sure as hell isn't her fault.

Eileen didn't "initiate the help" herself. No, your son had to because you think all of this is totally fine!

Zasio is on the case and she's dressed to the nines! For some reason Eileen thinks she's fooling, not only Zasio, but all of us into believing everyone else is the hoarder.

Her son lives in a chair and sleeps in a box. Whatever, it's fine. This is just another one of those life lessons.

Zasio needs to slap some sense into Eileen. The look on her face tells me that she just might!

Eileen seems to think this is a "poor mom" situation vs. a "poor kids" situation. Eileen is very wrong.

"Ron, our heroic firefighter, actually said, 'This is a death trap.' Ron! Get a voice!" Damn right. Dorothy Breininger. As you can see in the photo below, Dorothy has had it.

Eileen's son Steven is the only one that challenges Eileen. His Dad and brothers seem fine with this set up because it keeps them from being yelled at. The rest of the family just lets her go nuts cuz they don't want to deal with her and her rage-aholisism.

Eileen has been yelling at everyone so much she's getting all phlegmy. Bitch wants to keep her boxes pretty bad.

Eileen gives Ron permission to deal with the electronics. After granting him permission she immediately starts screaming at him.

Ron THINKS his wife has some psychological issues. Yeah? You think?!

Eileen doesn't want anyone to make this about her having an obsession with boxes. It's not that. It's just...well Eileen is crazy and she has an obsession with boxes.

They got it clean, but somehow I still don't think that's a safe home to live in. Not with Eileen. She hasn't accepted aftercare therapy BECAUSE NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER!

Judy, a part-time radio personality in Heber City, Utah

Judy's husband Nile sounds like he's had his voice distorted, like he's in the witness protection program. It's really weird to hear someone sound like that, but see their face clearly.

"The drinks are outside because, of course, they need to be cold. I have a cooler outside so I put things in the cooler. Except my milk, that's in a snow bank right now." Judy's fridge is the lawn.

Judy lost a previous husband, her father, mother and her two best friends to cancer. Nile's father and mother also died recently. So, this was all a big time hoarding trigger.

Judy and Nile inherited 32 arces of land when Nile's parents passed away. They sold that for a million dollars, blew a bunch of it on trailers, now they have about $20,000 left. But don't worry about Judy! Amongst her hoard is $30,000 in uncashed checks.

This just in via facebook: Matt Paxton i love my job.

"I've been missing the check for $20,000 for about 8 months." How in the hell?

Judy is the charming sort of hoader. You know the type (Glen).

"Judy has a storehouse of feelings and emotions that need to be tapped into. The doors need to be opened." This is some deep thoughts on hoarding by our very own Dr. Chabaud. Matt Paxton has set the bar pretty high. We've come to expect hoarding insight every episode.

It's been decided, the western stuff stays. Whew.

Oh shit. Judy's gone through a box that was set for the trash. FULL OF WESTERN COLLECTIONS! I mean, some obvious western stuff. Pillows with horses on them. How could you ever say that's not western? What else would it be?

We've uncovered the kitchen! Matt Paxton immediately checks the expiration date on the cheese. That's like when a doctor looks down your throat. You learn things that way.

"Spoiling to me is like going out and buying a new Porsche, not buying a house full of shit." Judy's brother dropping some knowledge on all our asses. That's his example of the different between spoiled and irresponsible.

Judy lives in a small town and she doesn't want everyone knowing all her business. That's why she hasn't deposited $25,000 in checks. And now, she's quoting a commercial to her brother when he suggests she doesn't go buy more hoard. "It's my money and I need it now."

I sort of get what Judy is saying. In small towns everyone does know all your business. It would stress me out too, Judy. I mean, I'd still deposit $25,000 checks, but I get it.

Her husband Nile has been in pain for 20 years and he's been hiding all that pain in his moustache. Strong men do cry and that's what is happening now. Dr. Chabaud calls a family meeting. Everyone loves each other and it's all very sweet. The air is clear and the house cleaning is going swimmingly.

Side note: Hey America, why is the movie New Year's Eve a thing? Way to go. This wouldn't have happened if you wouldn't have gone to Valentine's Day. Stop making cinema terrible. I'm sick of it.

They removed 9 tons of hoard from the house. Nile is so happy he said something. Judy is happy. Oh my goodness this is one of the happy cases. I love those. She's accepted therapy and they are doing well. YAY!

Matt Paxton One-Liner Hoarder
"We didn't poop on them between there and here. They're still clean."
"She's totally cool with it. She does not care that she's the messy lady on the street."
"I think his survival is just to hang out."
"Colby (cheese) doesn't stand the test of time I guess."
"This is frustrating, man. You've been living in a bunch of shit for 10, 20 years."

P.S. Matt Paxton has a podcast. Find out more about it on his blog.

J. Edgar: A Review

2011-11-14T17:01:00.000-08:00

We did it! We went and saw another movie. A movie that Scott and I were both excited to see. J. Edgar! And now, the reviews no one asked for.

Me: It made me sad for J. Edgar and Clyde, especially Clyde. The audience added another element to the film. We were in a theater filled with old people. There were horrified gasps. The cross dressing is well known, right? Did the old people never hear of this? They sure thought screwing over Nixon was giggle worthy though! And for that, I applaud them.
I heard this on the way out. A woman to her husband, "I knew about all the power stuff, but did they have to get into his personal life?" I didn't catch his response.

Scott: It was a laborious mess. It should have been in chronological order.

So there you have it! J. Edgar. Go see it! Or don't! It's up to you.

A Conversation

2011-11-13T20:10:00.000-08:00

Scott: Afeni is in the bathroom laying on your red thing.
Me: What?
Scott: Your singlet.
Me: What?!
Scott: I don't know. Your jumper!
Me: Why do you know the word 'jumper'? What do you think it means?
Scott: Something a baby wears, I guess. A onesie.

My singlet/jumper/onesie was, in fact, a pair of footed PJs that Scott got for me last Christmas. I broke them out of the closet recently because it's getting to be wintertime. Well, it was. There was snow and now it's gone, but it's certain to be back.

Also, yeah. I leave clothes piles on the floor. One day maybe I will be the kind of adult that takes off their pajamas and immediately puts them into the hamper. I'm not there yet though.

This year I'm hoping to add to my cozy pajama collection with Forever Lazy.

The Ides of March

2011-11-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

Scott told me I didn't take him to movies anymore. I have a very good reason why I haven't taken him to the movies, nothing has looked good in forever. I don't remember the last movie I was excited to go see. Everything is just whatever. I told him to pick a movie, I'd take him. (This was a couple weekends ago.) His pick, The Ides of March.

I had heard zero about this movie, which is fine. Sometimes that's for the best. I can't decide I hate something in advance. To the Ides of March we went.

My review: It felt like it wouldn't end nor did it ever really start. So boring it made me mad.

Scott's Review: Good acting, but nothing surprising. Underutilized. It could have been very good. They had all these great actors and a good idea, but they just kept it too small.

So there you have it. Don't let that affect your viewing decision. The rest of the internet seems to love it. Maybe you'll love it too. We're weirdos. Our opinions may not match that of non-weirdos...or even other weirdos.

The good news is we had some pop, nachos, Junior Mints and Sour Patch Kids. So it wasn't a total bust. We also saw a preview for a movie we're both excited to see (and hopefully not be disappointed by), J. Edgar.

We did watch a movie at home awhile back. That was pretty awesome. (Red State by Kevin Smith) I hope this is the future of movies, watching things at home. We always seem to have bad theater experiences. How do we always choose to sit right exactly where the most annoying person attending the movie chooses to position themselves? It's like a-holes seek us out. They spot us and try to sit as close as possible. Or this world has too many a-holes and there is absolutely no escaping them! Whatever the reason, it's sickening.

Fingers crossed for J. Edgar.

Hoarders: Judy & Jerry

2011-11-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

If Matt Paxton isn't a main feature this episode I will be really disappointed. So will Erin. Let's be honest, we'll all be pissed. It won't just be me and Erin. I know there are more of you out there that think Paxton was wasted on cats.

Judy, Wisconsin
Judy is a retired hospice care nurse. That job would be so hard. Much like hoarding clean up crews, I don't know how they do what they do.

A year ago Judy was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and she could no longer live in her house because it was too dirty. Her friend Linda let her live with her so she could get well. So far she's been there 9 months. She's hoarding up her friends house. OH JUDY! Don't take advantage of dear Linda.

Molly doesn't want anything to do with her mom Judy. She grew up in the hoard and she is done with this hoarding. When she was 8 her and her brother were removed from the home. She calls her mom "Judy". So, you know things are bad. When you stop calling your mom, "mom" you know you have a bad relationship.

Molly ran away. She had the clothes on her back and she left. Then her son died in a tragic car accident. At that point Judy just gave up. Molly says reverted back to baby behavior.

"The wreck of the Hesperus?" That's what Judy is calling her daughter's former room. Claiming she can't call her a hoarder because her room used to be messy. I've never heard that phrase. That's gotta be some Midwest lingo. We say some weird shit here. You don't notice until you go somewhere else and someone makes fun of you.

Mark PFHEFwer is here. He's confronting Judy about the fact that she hasn't used the kitchen for 7 years. He's getting all deep about emotional blocks and stuff. High level therapist talk.

Why is Judy reading a recipe book like it's a novel?

Jerilynn Thomas is on clean-up duty. God speed, Jeri.

Judy's checked out. She's just sitting on a chair spacing off in the middle of the porch. She says this is usually the time she takes a nap. And there she goes. She's taking a nap while sitting in a lawn chair on her porch with her hand on an urn.

Posted by the Possom from Hoarders

Judy will not accept her hoards impact. OH MY GOD SHE HAS SO MUCH YARN! And I bet it all smells like pee. You can't craft with pee yarn. What a shame.

Judy gave Molly a ship of her father's. It was a very touching and special moment. By the end she told her daughter she was sorry and she's accepted aftercare funds.

Their relationship is still strained, but you'll have that.

Jerry from Eugene, OR
Jerry is both a property owner and a landlord. He owns 50 properties so he is hoarding supplies and weird dramatic music. What is Hoarders doing with this music?! This is semi-uptempo, but still dramatic.

Matt Paxton The Possum from Hoarders

what up Posse. In the 8 years of cleaning hoarded homes, I've never gotten sicker than I did in this house.

Jerry's house caught fire in the middle of the night. He believes it was started by a tenant that wanted him dead. He almost died because he couldn't maneuver through the hoard.

Jerry's sister Karen is sad because Jerry is "drowning in a sea of worthless junk". He saved her life growing up and now she wants to save his. Guess what he saved her from? Oh that's right, drowning.

Jerry is living sans cats so we should get a lot of Paxtonator. Thank god! A&E, don't waste Paxton on cat cases! Just don't. Also, in case you didn't know, Paxton has a podcast.

Jerry is pretty sure that his house just needs sheet rock. That's why he's not bulldozing the house. The floor is totally rotted and still wet from when the fire was put out 5 years ago.

"We used to go Easter egg hunting and she'd run around and get all the Easter eggs. I feel you like to have all the Easter eggs in your basket and you like me to basically be sitting there and have an empty basket."

Jerry is pissed at his sister because she got an inheritance from her Dad and he didn't. He thinks Karen set that up. This is making me think that maybe Jerry thinks everyone is out to get him and the fire was an accident. No one is out to kill him or find all the Easter eggs. (Except Karen, we all know she's an egg hound.

This therapist is calling Jerry a phoenix rising from the ashes. That seems like a bit of a premature statement.

Matt Paxton One-Liner Hoard
"Your plans outweigh your lifetime."
"The dude it furious. It starts with Easter eggs and you don't get over it. That's how hoarding starts."
"I don't know that we totally averted the crisis. We made it better."
"This house has been burnt to a crisp."

By the end Jerry cleaned a couple more feet of ashes out of his crispy home. He's convinced he will be able to move back in and has INTENTIONS of going to see a therapist. LIKE A PHOENIX!

F you, ;)

2011-11-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

I rarely use emoticons. I find the overuse of them appalling. I understand the occasional :) or :(. In fact, I used one yesterday, right here on this very blog. I used it and I meant it! What can I say about a hoarder that saves her son from crib death and from that he has physical and mental handicaps? I can't comment on that! So, :(. It's all I could say.

The most annoying of all emoticons for me? The freaking winky face. It usually follows something sort of assy. It tells me, "I don't have the courage to stand behind my assy statement, so let's pretend it was all a joke with an emoticon! We still cool?" (No, we're not.) Or it's used as an inane method of flirting. (If you're doing this you need to step up your flirting game. Light someone's cig for them or something. I don't know. Get creative, lame-o.)

You know, maybe I'm reading too much into the winky face. That could very well be the case. If you feel that most things you say would be followed by a wink, by all means, continue and I'll continue to judge you.