Visiting a friend for a weekend, I observed how she manages with her partner their shared space. It became clear to me that one is a neatnik, she might even say obsessive about it, and the other more likely to create clutter. In this relationship, uncluttered and clean is the household standard.  Would they be able to live together if they weren’t a couple? I don’t know. I do know that standards for cleanliness and neatness can be quite different for different people. The secret to living well with a housemate is to know your own standards.

Basic Requirements

The absolutely most important first step in finding a good home-mate for you is getting clear on what you  “must-have” and what you “can’t live with.”  Knowing these establishes criteria for your inquiries and interviews, and it can be helpful to use our interview guide.

I once created an exercise for a MeetUp group that met around shared housing. I asked the participants to write down what some of their  “must-haves” and “can’t live withs”  would be.   Here is what they said.

“Must-have”

• Live with people who have good communication skills around how we share housing
• Politeness
• Wide appreciation of music
• Living in close proximity to the natural world (trees, stars, Earth)
• My cats and housemates who treat them well
• Space to myself
• Respect for different points of view
• Sizable kitchen
• Gas stove (vs. electric)
• A good home for my cat
• Color coordination
• Clutter management

“Can’t live with”

• Dirty dishes overflowing on the counter or sink
• With a lot of clutter
• Dishes left undone
• Sloppiness
• A dirty bathroom
• Others not cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen
• Hard rock music
• TV constantly on
• Other’s pets
• Lights left on in a room that is not occupied
• TV on when I’m not watching it (I would watch less than 3 hours a week)
• Noise late at night

Notice anything? How are the two lists different?

To my mind the “must-have’s” list have individual unique requirements: from pets to music to kitchen use.

But take a look at the “can’t live withs.” At least half of them have to do with cleanliness and neatness.

Cleanliness and Neatness

I think this is a reflection of a reality. We don’t like to live in other people’s mess.  Is this always true? I think so.  I’ve noticed myself how when I move into a new space I have an urge to clean it.

When we are expecting friends to visit, it is pretty common to clean up and put our home in order. Why do we do this? Some would say that we don’t want to expose ourselves as messy or unclean.  That we might be embarrassed or even ashamed. That could be a motivation. I’d like to think it’s because we want our guests to feel comfortable.

There is comfort in uncluttered and clean.

The KonMari Method

Many people know about the method first described in “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.”  The author, Marie Kondo, has spent her life thinking about and teaching others to live clutter free. Her method, which she calls the “KonMari Method” is based on feelings one has for one’s possessions. Those that fail to evoke a “spark of joy” are discarded.  I’m currently working on tidying up my own house.  It’s fascinating, fast, and effective. She claims that none of her students rebound.

Housemates and “Stuff”

Is there a better word than “stuff?” So many of us have knick-knacks and momentos. Maybe we also have sports equipment, craft supplies, tools, books, clothes, greeting cards, etc.  All those things that one owns and accumulates throughout a lifetime.  When we share housing we need to make room for this stuff or we need to let them go. It is hard to let go. That’s why I like the Mari Kondo method of keeping with you only what gives you joy.  Try it, you can actually feel it.

If you are a householder considering having a home-mate, do yourself a favor and lighten the clutter in your home. It will be easier for your future home-mate(s) to see themselves living with you and it will be easier to maintain a home that is uncluttered and clean.

How do you feel about uncluttered and clean? For yourself? When you go to someone else’s house?What are your “must-haves”?  What are your “can’t live with”s?  Add your thoughts below. 

Read more about maintaining a good shared home: The Five Commandments of Keeping a Tidy Household , Expectations for Future Home Sharing

The post What Housemates Really Want: Uncluttered and Clean appeared first on Sharing Housing.

Moving is an effort. From locating a new place to live to informing the bank of the change of address, there are tons of details that cost time and energy. And also money. No wonder people don’t like to do it. No wonder housemates suffer a bad situation way too long!

It’s time to move when you don’t want to go home. Or if it is your home, it’s time to tell your housemate to leave. The reality is that the other person is probably as unhappy as you are. She might resist, you might resist, the necessary stress of making the transition, but my advice is there’s really no point in avoiding the inevitable.  If you can’t live together, then you can’t live together.

There are lots of reasons a good situation can go bad. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault, life simply changes and the situation no longer serves. Sometimes there is a insurmountable difference. Do attempt to resolve differences before making the decision to move. Follow these guidelines to have the conversation.

Most importantly, use the bad experience to inform your next choice.

Be very, very careful in choosing a place to live and your future housemate(s) when moving. Pay attention to what you “must have” and “can’t live with.” Interview thoroughly.  Know what you are looking for. Ask for references. Take your time.

Many people make their worst mistakes when they get desperate. If you are the householder, deal with having an empty room for awhile if you don’t find a good fit. For home seekers, if you can’t bide your time and really need a roof, take a place, but recognize that it is temporary until you can find something better.

If you’re thinking of moving, check out this article; Considering Moving. And here’s one about being prepared for potential future challenges: ‘Til Death Do Us Part?

Photo

The post How Do You Know When It’s Time To Move Out? appeared first on Sharing Housing.

Along with the wonderful things shared in a home–food, conversation, music, games, even pets–there’s also something less pleasant that is easily shared: germs. Sometimes, these germs are brought in by a sick housemate.

I dealt with this last week in my own household. One of my home-mates came down with a virus that involved sinus congestion and a hacking cough. He suspects he caught it from one of his co-workers. Having a sick housemate can be challenging.

I’m generally healthy, with a fairly robust immune system, but I had no desire to catch whatever my housemate had. Taking precautions when living with a sick housemate is important. Some basic precautions were in order.

Simple Precautions That Help

Having adequate private space for each person in a home isn’t just about comfort; it also has health implications. It makes it possible to quarantine or simply give one another extra space when someone falls ill.

In addition to spending last week taking care not to interact too closely with one another, we set a container of Clorox wipes on the counter for a daily wipe-down of shared kitchen surfaces. Moreover, we put basic immune boosters such as chewable Vitamin C tablets and bags of Ginger tea within easy reach in the cabinets for daily use.

Personally, I made sure I got adequate sleep and time outside each day. I’m a big believer in the healthful properties of fresh air, so every day I opened the screened patio door for at least a few minutes. I did this to allow for fresh circulation and let out any stale, germ-filled air. (An air purifier can serve a similar purpose).

We didn’t take the precaution of wearing masks, but those are another helpful tool in preventing airborne germs from getting passed person to person.

Also, never underestimate the germ-killing power of washing your hands with soap and water.

These are all measures that many of us may remember from the COVID-19 pandemic, which are useful any time and for most all types of contagious illnesses.

Little acts of care can make all the difference

As I write this piece lots of little memories surface. I remember housemates who were generous in sharing their medicine cabinet supplies. Whether it was Tylenol, Tums, Vitamin supplements or Band-Aids, not only were the supplies themselves what I needed, but the mere act of concern and “TLC” (Tender Loving Care) can be a real comfort when you feel lousy.

Just last summer I got very sick in the middle of the night, from what was either food poisoning or some sort of 24 hour stomach bug. It was so bad that I had to go to the local 24-hour urgent care clinic. I let my housemate know what was happening and, though she couldn’t drive me there herself, she called me a taxi. I was weak and a little disoriented, but certainly capable of calling my own cab. Still, her small act of kindness was an enormous comfort. It showed that she cared about my well-being and was invested in my feeling better as soon as possible. Being ill in a shared home also means you may need help from a sick housemate or be the one offering help in turn. Being sick is painful, and scary, and really just no fun at all.

When Daily Help Isn’t Enough: Planning for Serious Illness

A housemate can be a tremendous help in daily life, of course–picking up groceries and cooking meals if another housemate is “under the weather.” But, living under the same roof doesn’t necessarily mean that you have the capacity to be another person’s full-time caregiver, if their health should deteriorate due to chronic conditions.

I know that many of the readers and clientele of Sharing Housing Inc are elderly. Do you have a plan in place for what you will do if one member of the household gets to the point where they need a full-time caregiver? This is something I have never had to think about. So, please share in the comments if you have experience or if this is an issue you have dealt with yourself.

A Reminder of Our Shared Vulnerability

Any sort of sickness, especially one that strikes unexpectedly and keeps me in bed and unable to do my usual daily activities, is a reminder of just how vulnerable we human beings all are. We never know when a serious illness or injury might happen. This could cause us to lose our independence and self-reliance. One small measure of insurance is to have others around, under the same roof, to come to your aid when you feel under the weather or are truly levelled. In conclusion, dealing with a sick housemate teaches us the importance of community and care in shared living situations.

Continue Reading: Feeling Comfortable at Home,  The Benefits of Shared Housing.

The post When a Housemate Gets Sick: How to Protect Your Health and Your Home appeared first on Sharing Housing.

Do you enjoy cleaning the house or loathe it? Having a clean house is nice but people are messy. Maybe you fall somewhere in between: while you don’t necessarily enjoy doing chores, you love how satisfying and refreshing it feels to have a clean space once your work is done.

I don’t love cleaning, exactly, but I often find it relaxing. Whether it’s taking out the trash, sweeping the floor or making my bed, transforming disorder into tidiness always improves my mood. In a world where so much is complicated and beyond our control, folding a pile of laundry is simple and straightforward.

When Chores become Entertainment

But why relax by doing actual chores when you could spend time watching other people do them? In the age of social media, it seems that no aspect of our lives can escape being turned into consumptive entertainment–even cleaning has become ‘content’.

I’m not on TikTok but I have heard plenty about “Clean Tok,” and I regularly run into short cleaning and chore-related videos on YouTube and Facebook. I’ll admit, it can be engrossing to watch someone transform a filthy space into something spotless. Sometimes it’s even laugh out loud funny.

Like most forms of entertainment, a lot of these cleaning videos showcase extreme methods that are unrealistic for the average person. They’re also an avenue for advertising expensive organizational tools and cleaning products.

Letting go of Perfection

In reality, perfection is elusive. Especially when it comes to maintaining a spotless home. This is even more true in a shared household, where patience and flexibility can be essential skills in sharing the chore load. Your housemates may have cleaning methods a little different from your own. I wrote about this  Cleaning, Preference Styles and Teamwork.

One of the most common friction points in shared housing is mismatched cleaning standards. What feels “clean enough” to one person can feel genuinely uncomfortable to another — and neither is wrong. They just have different thresholds.

The fix isn’t to find someone with identical standards — that’s nearly impossible. It’s to talk about expectations before they become resentments. A simple conversation early on — how often should the bathroom be cleaned? what’s the rule about dishes in the sink? — can prevent a lot of tension later.

What I’ve Learned from Living with Others

In fact, having different cleaning habits, preferences and practices than your housemates can actually be a great thing. While the internet is always a helpful place to go for information, some of the most useful advice and ‘how-tos’ I have gotten over the years has been from housemates.

I learned basic chores at a young age, of course–that Drano was reliable for unclogging the shower drain, that cotton should be washed in hot water, that “elbow grease” was just as soap and water, et cetera. But, there was so much more to learn.

When the Dishwasher Broke 

One memorable lesson came when our dishwasher broke during the holidays, just as everyone in the household was cooking more than usual. At first, it felt like a disaster–especially since the repair company was closed.

But my home-mate Janet, who had grown up in a large family without a dishwasher, quickly improvised a system. A large pot of water on the floor served as a rinsing station, while a tub of soapy water sat on the counter for washing. We spread towels across another counter for drying and kept an extra towel handy for items that needed to be put away and dried immediately. What seemed like a crisis turned into an efficient, collaborative routine. One that I may have to use again someday!

That’s something shared housing teaches you — resourcefulness. When you live with people who have different backgrounds and experiences, you pick up things you never would have figured out on your own.

Simple Tools that Actually Work

There are plenty of flashy, expensive products on the market that promise astounding, sparkling results. But, I’ve found that the most helpful cleaning products are also some of the most cost-effective. Household items like Baking soda, hydrogen peroxide, vinegar, or brand names like Pine-Sol, Comet, and Folex don’t break the bank and are all very helpful.

Tricks I’ve learned over the years for getting rid of tough stains: club soda for taking spilled coffee off of a white shirt, or mixing hydrogen peroxide with baking soda to remove dark stains from a white rug.

A few more tried-and-true tricks worth knowing:

• White vinegar on hard water deposits around faucets and showerheads — let it soak for a few minutes before wiping
• Baking soda poured into a drain, followed by vinegar, to deodorize and loosen buildup
• A small amount of Pine-Sol in a bucket of water goes a long way on tile and hardwood floors
• Folex on carpet stains — spray, wait a minute, blot. It works on things that seem permanent.

None of these cost much. Most of them were passed along by a housemate at some point.

The Case for Spring Cleaning

Cleaning tips aren’t the only habits and tips that I have borrowed and learned from housemates, but, seeing as it is Spring I wanted to keep with a theme in this blog post. It’s been a long, cold winter, and I definitely think there’s something valuable in the practice of “spring cleaning.” Open the windows, scrub a wall or a floor that doesn’t get much attention…and, you don’t have to do these tasks alone. If you have a housemate, doing household tasks can be fun and build camaraderie.

There’s something about tackling a big cleaning project together that shifts the whole dynamic of a shared home. It builds a sense of shared ownership — and people who feel ownership over a space tend to take better care of it day-to-day. A spring clean done together is worth more than one done alone.

Final Thought: the Best Shortcut of All  

In internet lingo this could be a “hack”–hire a professional housecleaning service. In a shared household, with multiple people pitching in on cost, can make it very reasonably affordable to hire a professional home-cleaning service, even if it is only once per month to do a deep-clean.

Split two or three ways, a monthly professional clean often costs less than a nice dinner out — and it raises the baseline cleanliness of the whole home, which makes the everyday maintenance easier for everyone

The post Clean House, Messy People appeared first on Sharing Housing.

I have been living with my housemate for a year.  Here’s how it has changed my life. 

Company

I have company. During the days, most days, I’m busy with various work-related activities. The evening is when I want to relax. When I was living alone I’d spend huge chunks of time by myself. In our society, it’s easy to spend lots of time alone because we don’t have natural ways to hang out with people when we want to. Sometimes I would think ahead to how long it would be before I saw another person.  Yes, I could and did make plans with friends, but I’d also get very annoyed by how much planning was necessary. What ever happened to just hanging out? Now my housemate and I eat dinner together and companionably sit in front of the fire afterwards. Sometimes we watch something, sometimes listen to music. I do crossword puzzles on my iPhone and knit, he reads on his tablet. Company — not necessarily deep conversations. Hanging out. 

Finances

My finances are a whole lot healthier! I’m no longer carrying the whole cost of having a home by myself. As a result, when the opportunity to join a friend in France for a week came my way, I said “yes.”  And when my housemate said that one week was not enough time to be in Europe,  I added a week to my trip. I’m still going to be low budget but that’s okay, I’m going to have an adventure. An adventure I couldn’t have afforded without the help of my housemate’s rent.

Food

I no longer have to shop for food. This was a real surprise. When we interviewed, my housemate said he wanted to do meals together.  What I didn’t know then is that he would also do all the cooking.  He’s a good cook. Really good cook. And while I might wish for more vegetarian meals and more veggies, as long as he’s cooking, I’m not complaining! I’ve made a point of telling him that I appreciate it and he should let me know if he wants to change the pattern. Our arrangement is quite unusual and not expected. It does speak to how a housemate might help life in ways that are surprising.

Tasks

When he moved in he immediately took over those tasks that are traditional for men—lawn care, garbage, shoveling, bringing wood in for the woodstove. He also bought us cartons of paper towels, tissues and toilet paper. We seem to have a never ending supply! All of this is a big help. We’ve also agreed to pay a house cleaner – something I can now afford.

Music

About three weeks into living with me, he asked whether I ever listen to music. It was a fair question because I’d gotten used to not playing background music when my partner of twenty-three years was alive. Though my partner loved music he didn’t like it in the background. He listened with headphones on in his office.  In our common space he preferred silence. My parents also didn’t like background music so it’s not natural to me. At first my housemate was unsure that I really meant that I like it, but I do. It’s a good change in the house.  He has a Sirrius station called “Coffee House Classics” that plays oldies but goodies.

Home Additions

My housemate is generous. He has bought a few things for the house.. The smoker was the first item. (I wrote about this here.) At Christmas time he suprised me with a very good espresso machine. When he moved in I had one. It died about 6 weeks later. That machine had been given to me and I just returned to making my lattes with an AeroPress. When my housemate moved in he bought himself a Kuerig for coffee that had nice foamer which I was quite happy to use. Turns out, though I didn’t know this, he wasn’t happy with the coffee the Kuerig made.  The espresso machine was a big surprise and is a lovely addition to our kitchen.  He’s now also bought a Bluetooth sound system of higher quality than what I had before and a vacuum for downstairs. 

Is It Luck?

It is also true that my housemate is kind, sensitive, and responsible. He is cleaner than I am. He notices what needs to be done and does them.  I feel very fortunate. My life is more comfortable. 

Some people reading this might think I just got lucky.  I don’t think so, I think good things can happen when we’re looking for them and know how to approach the task.  I did follow the process that I teach in my book, Sharing Housing, A Guidebook for Finding and Keeping Good Housemates. You too can use the process.

Who knows how a housemate would change your life? 

Interested in learning more about how I got here? Here are blog posts I wrote along the way.

•  I Don’t Like Living Alone
•  Modifying My Space for Shared Housing Comfort,
• A Little Help From Friends
• How I Found My New Housemate
• A Smoker! Who Knew?

The post Why I Keep Telling Everyone to Get a Housemate appeared first on Sharing Housing.

A Place of My Own

The only time I’ve ever lived alone was when I was 21 years old, shortly after graduating from college. Unsure of “what to do with my life,” I moved back to my hometown and began working full-time at a local sandwich shop. My hourly wages were enough for me to cover the rent on a one-bedroom apartment, so after staying briefly with my parents for convenience I moved out. A place of my own was the next logical next step toward becoming a full-fledged adult and being “out on my own.”

I liked the apartment

It occupied the lower front half of a gigantic historic ‘rowhome,’ one of many that line the centuries-old brick sidewalks of a quaint downtown. What had once been a single large house divided up into multiple units gave my apartment a quirky charm: big bay windows with fold-up shutters, a pocket door separating the bedroom from the main kitchen/living area, and sloped ceilings in the tiny bathroom. There was no air conditioning or washer-dryer, but it was within walking distance of my job, the bank, a grocery store, and the car dealership where I delivered a rent check each month to my landlord, a local businessman who owned both the dealership and several rental properties.

I liked the apartment, but…

I also felt depressed. Post-graduation was a big period of transition. My lack of life experience and clear direction left me feeling adrift and overwhelmed. Adult life felt incredibly lonely compared to the intensely social experience of college. I had really enjoyed living in the college dormitory, where I could wander down the hall whenever I was bored and join whatever meal, discussion or board game was unfolding in the common room.

Slowly, I began adjusting to a life where all of my friends weren’t living just a few doors away. I got involved with the local yoga community, which provided a social outlet beyond my workplace. I also purchased a futon for the front room of my apartment, positioning it behind a tall bookshelf to create a sense of privacy for overnight guests.

The only overnight guest I wound up regularly hosting was my younger brother, then a high school senior living with our parents just a couple of miles away. Eager for some independence from our childhood home, he slept on my futon most weekends and became a sort of part-time roommate. Eventually, I gave him a spare key in exchange for his agreeing to contribute to utility and grocery costs.

I still spent time at my parent’s house–sometimes for family events, sometimes simply to do laundry. There was a laundromat a couple of blocks from my apartment, but, y’know, there weren’t any home-cooked meals there. Maybe I’m simply wired for shared living–I grew up in a big family, with two older sisters in addition to my brother. I never knew what it was like to live in a quiet household.

Nowadays, many things are different

For one, rent prices have gone way up. The apartment I once paid $750 a month for now rents for nearly twice as much. I doubt someone working an hourly restaurant job could afford the rent all by themselves as I once did.

Something else that’s changed is my capacity for alone time. Now that I am in my 30’s, I suspect that I would rather enjoy having my own apartment–decorating everything exactly the way I like it, having an entire refrigerator to myself, using every pan in the kitchen to cook dinner and not having to clean up after myself immediately afterward.

As soon as I start fantasizing about a fabulous solo apartment, however…

I remember that I am happier and that life is better when I live with other people. My cost of living is lower, and small logistical things are less stressful. If I go out of town, I don’t have to worry about who will collect my mail. If I forget something essential at the store, I can text my housemate to grab it on their way home. I also feel safer knowing that someone I trust is under the same roof, and will notice or be able to help me if I am sick or in distress.

The increased socialization that comes with shared living matters, too. As much as I value alone time, I know that too much of it is not healthy for me. I begin to feel isolated, anxious, and kind of depressed. Remembering how I felt as a 21-year-old, sitting in a one-bedroom apartment and disliking the heavy silence reminds me of the tradeoff.

Ways to have Shared Housing

I share my story in the hopes that it might encourage someone else, or spark an idea or two. To anyone out there who is new to shared housing, and entering into it with trepidation, I definitely understand. I love having my own space, too. And yet, all of the benefits of shared living outweigh any downsides.

Also, there are ways to do shared living besides having a full-time housemate. Maybe there’s someone out there who could use your extra space just some of the time, as was the case with me and my brother. An airline employee, a commuter, or just someone with a schedule opposite to yours. While they work in the evenings, you get the apartment to yourself, and while you work during the day they have full run of the house.

Living with others has made my adult life feel fuller, lighter, and less lonely. Since the end of that yearlong lease that I signed as a 21-year-old, I have never lived alone again. If you’re feeling lonely living alone, you’re not imagining it — and you’re not alone in that feeling.”

Image by freepik

The post Why I Never Lived Alone Again appeared first on Sharing Housing.

Airbnb allows a friend to earn her property taxes. Right now, as I post this, I’m at an Airbnb quite close to a family wedding which I’m sharing with my siblings at a fraction of what it would cost us to stay in a motel. We had dinner together last night and my dog is at my feet. So much better than a hotel.

Airbnb is a boon to penny-pinched home owners and a delight for travelers seeking homey and reasonable accommodations. The short-term rental has changed the life of both hosts and guests offering a cheaper form of travel and, often, very welcome income. Airbnb is an excellent choice for some people. It’s an easy way to gain the financial benefits of having a shared home.

It is not for everyone, and in fact I worry that some are seduced into using the service for the income and thereby forfeit the potential benefits of having a long-term home-mate.

Why Airbnb Works – Social Proof

The Internet makes Airbnb possible. Both homeowners and renters must have an account to use the service. Anyone can browse the rentals available. The information on a rental includes reviews from guests. When you request a booking, the owner can read reviews about you and either accept or reject your request. This reciprocal review process, also known as social proof, is enforced by Airbnb by the simple restriction that the owner doesn’t get to see their review until they have completed the review of the guest.

Why Airbnb Works – Money

The company handles the monetary exchange. The renter pays on the site using a credit card and Airbnb sends the money to the owner when the booking is complete. So simple. Airbnb then also handles any disputes, should there be any.

Comparing Short-Term Rental vs. Long-Term Rentals

You can make more money in fewer days with Airbnb. But you have to work for it.

For every guest, you are stripping the bed, washing and drying sheets, remaking the bed, dusting, vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom. Having an Airbnb room makes you a hotel chambermaid. It’s a job.

Long-term home-mates do their own cleaning. They share in the tasks of maintaining a home. They are there to help in the many ways that people can make life easier for one another: a ride home from the doctor, feeding a pet cat when its owner is away for the weekend, picking up chicken soup when you are laid low by the flu, and so on.

When you are living with someone who is a good fit, you get to have both income stability and a relationship that creates a home. The family feeling gives you a feeling of safety and security. And that can make all the difference in the world.

Use Airbnb to Experiment with Home-Sharing

Having an Airbnb room is one way to experiment with sharing one’s home. One can get a sense for how it feels to have someone in your space, particularly if you are used to living alone.

Stay at an Airbnb. See how it feels to you to be in another’s home. Talk to the owner about their experience.

Choose to Have a Home-Mate

The long-term benefits of sharing a home with a home-mate or two make the choice a no-brainer for me.

The two Airbnb advantages of ease in handling money and using “social proof” can be had with long-term arrangements as well. Manage money by using direct deposit. This is easy to set up and eliminates worry about getting paid. Use social media to both find and discover who a person is. You can learn a lot by looking at their Facebook, Twitter , Pinterest, and Instagram pages. One person I interviewed learned from Facebook that her potential housemate had been in an accident and her friends had held a fundraiser. That was a good sign and she decided to choose her to live with.

Yes, it takes more work up front to find your good home-mate(s). It will also take longer.

• Start by reading the book.
• Make a list of your “must-haves” and “can’t live withs” (Download worksheet here.)
• Create an “ad” — a statement of what you want and are looking for. (See this post for a short version of what should be in it.)
• Talk to your friends, their friends, and everyone in your community. Network to find people. Join our closed Facebook group Hello Home-Mate.
• Take our classes as we offer them.
• Check references.

You can do it. Be patient and persistent. It’s worth it.

Have you had Airbnb experience? What did you think/feel about it?

Read more about how to make the most of shared housing: Housing Options for Seniors , Why Letting Go of Stuff is the First Step, Airbnb: A Pale Version of Sharing.

Originally published July 2017

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The post Is Airbnb a Good Choice for Retirement Income? appeared first on Sharing Housing.

There are real barriers to shared housing. Very few people want to move. It takes energy, and change is disruptive. You need to follow a good selection process to do it well. It is much easier to stay in the home you already know and love. In fact, moving is considered one of life’s stressors, right up there with dying. Of course, people say that they want to age-in-place. Who wouldn’t?

Denial

The human being is quite amazing. We are so capable of ignoring or denying our reality. I remember a conversation with a 92-year-old woman who “wasn’t ready yet” to live in shared housing. What she really meant is that she didn’t want to share her housing. She had an entire second floor that was unoccupied.

But what about the 70-something friend who lives alone who fell down her staircase and was found by a friend she had a date to walk with? Right now, (Jan. 16. 2020) the friend is in an induced coma because she has brain bleeding. We don’t know how long it was before she was found, we don’t know how she will be when she comes out of the coma. She is another friend who isn’t interested in shared housing.

We deny our age and all the losses that come with it: mobility, balance, eyesight, hearing, stamina. We pretend that our bodies are as they used to be, contrary to the evidence. We deny that living alone creates problems for us. In fact we may not even be conscious of all the little ways that our lives become constrained and limited.

Privacy

Another barrier is a fear of loss of privacy. It is true that with home-mates one can’t close the front door of one’s home and be completely alone. But you can close the door of your bedroom (and sitting room if there is one) and be alone. A closed door on a bedroom indicates “leave me alone.” It is also true that in a cooperative and comfortable household what was once “my” privacy can become “our” privacy. In other words, what happens at home, stays at home.

Fear of the Stranger

Why do we live in a society that is more afraid of the stranger than welcoming that same person? This is not the way it was in ancient cultures. Christianity, Judaism and Islam all have bedrock tenets about the importance of welcoming the stranger.

This is a serious question.

We have been conditioned to fear. Our media diet feeds us continual stories of the meanness of the world. What researchers in the 1990’s found is that those who watch more than four hours a day of television expect the world to be a mean and dangerous place (Here’s a youtube video on the “Mean World Syndrome”). Since most televisions are on for more than seven hours a day, we are teaching people to fear.

The truth is that there are lots of nice people in the world. You are one of the nice ones, right? There are a lot of people who through no fault of their own do not have enough money to make ends meet. Currently in the United States, a full forty-four percent of those who are fully employed earn less than $18,000 a year. The average Social Security payment is $1,470 a month, $17,640 a year. Lots of people have less than that.

The best response to this barrier is to simply not let a stranger move in. Get to know a potential home-mate so that person is no longer a stranger and have discussions about how it would work before making any decisions. Use our interviewing guide. Check references.

Evicting a Bad Choice

Getting rid of a horrible housemate is not fun. But why is there a horrible housemate? Every story I’ve heard about a bad situation comes about through an incomplete, ineffective or non-existent selection process. Every. Single. One. This is why we teach how to do the selection process and to trust your own intuition when something doesn’t feel right. You should read Sharing Housing: A Guidebook for Finding and Keeping Good Housemates or take our courses.

Change

Maybe the biggest barrier of all is resistance to change. “I like living alone” is a very common statement. We need to recognize that what might have worked well in younger years with a work schedule is very different once retired. In our culture, living alone has been the default when a long-time spouse dies.

Change can also be invigorating and offer perspectives we didn’t know before. Joann’s story of living with her son and friends fundamentally changed her life and made her healthier. Kathleen and Janet fell into living with one another. Their story is a sweet surprise. There are many stories of people who living in shared housing on this website.

Barriers

These barriers—denial, privacy, fear of the stranger, fear of needing to evict a bad choice, and inertia—keep people from pursuing shared housing. But learning how to select a good housemate and getting clear about what is real for you can make all the difference. If you’ve read this far, please take advantage of the resources we have for you. We can help you create for yourself a strong and clear vision of how the change you are considering will improve your life.

Photo by Luis Machado on Unsplash

Do you agree that these are the barriers? Did we miss any?

Originally published in October, 2010

The post Five Barriers to Shared Housing And How to Overcome Them appeared first on Sharing Housing.

Here is an innovative idea. Invest in shared housing.  This is what Jude and her husband have done.  They created a shared house with six bedrooms that they rent out as a house share. They do not live in the house. This can be a brilliant way to reap the benefits of shared housing, even though you know yourself and it’s not for you personally.

How It Started

It all started when Jude and her husband bought a house from family members. They renovated it and sold it and then needed to buy a similar property so as not to have to pay capital gains tax. This was done through an IRS code 1031. Though they weren’t interested in a new project they found a house that just spoke to them. They loved the layout.

It’s a six-bedroom ranch house with three bedrooms upstairs and three bedrooms downstairs. It has a ramp to the front door. There are three bathrooms, two kitchens, and two laundry rooms all on one floor, with a full basement with egress windows (large enough to use to leave the building in case of a fire). They considered setting it up as an assisted-living house and looked into what it would take in terms of renovation and what the regulations are. Deciding that the regs were more than they wanted to manage, they decided to create a home share house for five women ages fifty-five plus. The sixth bedroom is the guest room. There is a city ordinance that limits the number of unrelated people living in one house. They did renovate a bathroom to create a walk-in shower and put grab bars in the bathrooms.

Two women have been in the house since they started. Others have come and gone.

When A Vacancy Occurs

When a vacancy occurs, Jude advertises on craigslist, Silvernest, roommates.com and the local list serve, NextDoor. Of all of them, craigslist has been the most successful. She says, “It’s the go-to location.” She usually puts the phrase, “Women 55+” in the subject line of the advertisement. Because they are offering senior housing and there are shared bathrooms, it is legal to advertise for women specifically and doesn’t run into conflict with the Fair Housing anti-discrimination laws.

First Screening

Jude receives the inquiries and talks to candidates on the telephone. She also meets with them in person somewhere public to assess the person. If she thinks the candidate might be a good match, she asks her to fill out a questionnaire she has devised. The questionnaire asks why the person wants to live in co-housing, what her personal schedules are like, what her pet peeves are, hobbies, and seeks to find out what she is like prior to the interview. The profile questionnaires of all the tenants and potential housemates are shared with the other residents before the interview takes place. That way, everyone can formulate good questions for the interview and get a feel for the person they’ll be living with.

Background Checks

She also runs a criminal and financial background check. “I’ve never had to turn anyone down because of a criminal record or credit issue. I do talk to them if the rent I’m asking is more than 30% of their income.” She has rejected candidates because it was clear that they wouldn’t fit in the house. There was one person who didn’t like to clean up after she ate and wanted a housemate to clean up after her if they traded for another chore. As Jude says, “That set-up was just not going to be good from the get-go. Some people just don’t read the ad well enough, like they have a pet and it clearly states that no pets are allowed.” It’s only after she has determined that the candidate can go forward that the candidate learns where the house is. This is a prudent security measure.

Keys

She also says, “My husband and I have installed keyless entry locks on all exterior doors. This is so that whenever someone moves out, we can change all the entry codes without expensive re-keying. The garage door code is also changed. By the way, all bedroom doors also have a keyed lock. Although not everyone locks her bedroom door when she leaves, this option is much appreciated.”

The Residents Decide

Jude has the residents interview the candidate and decide whether to offer her a place in the house. Jude is never present for this interview and thinks there’s an advantage for all if they manage the interview process on their own. She says, “I want them to make the decisions. I don’t want them to feel pressure at all. I want them to be happy and long-term.” If everyone agrees that the candidate is a yes, the new tenant is offered a six-month lease. This time period provides an out in case the arrangement isn’t working. At the fifth month, Jude inquires of all the residents if it is okay to renew the lease for the new person. She requires unanimous agreement to continue. There have been two occasions where she has not renewed a lease. But if the renter is okay, she will be offered a six  or twelve month lease depending on what the renter wants.

Household Agreement

The original household agreement was developed by Jude. She says, “I hand it off to them to let it work for them. It’s a dynamic document and I expect that it will change. The tenants have also initiated a ‘Good Things to Know ‘ sheet that includes the location of the fuse boxes, reminders of trash/recycle/compost pick-up days, location of fire extinguishers, main water shutoff, how to turn off the fire alarms, etc. These are documents that are revisited from time to time and I encourage the tenants to improve them.”

The residents are required to take care of the lawn, gardens and shovel the snow. Not all the women are physically able to do all these chores. As a result, there is more sharing, breaking down the tasks into more manageable pieces, and trade offs. Jude supplies the lawnmower, hedge trimmer, grass trimmer, sprinklers, hoses, shovels, rakes and other items needed to take care of the exterior of the house. She also requires that everyone have emergency contact information for each other.

Finances

The rent ranges from $640 to $815 and it includes $100 per resident to cover all utilities. If it ends up that utilities cost more than $500, Jude will let the residents know. Each resident pays a damage deposit equivalent to a months rent. Jude says, “I had to raise the rents this year as the leases expire: $15 to cover the 25% increase in property taxes and additional increases in utilities. Since I pay all the utilities, TV and internet, there’s not an interruption issue when tenants move out of who was paying which bill.”

Stuff

Asked about managing furniture and such Jude says, “One of the surprises has been how little furniture some of the women have had. There is a large storage room which all the women share and there’s quite a bit of empty space. My husband and I were initially worried about what the tenants would do if 3 or 4 of them had dining sets. As it has consistently turned out, all but one has had to buy bedroom furniture and they have had to acquire most other furnishings as well. Lee and I happened to have had an extra patio set and a few other random pieces that the ladies are now using.”

Helping One Another

Jude has seen that the house has not evolved into the sort of relationships that some desire as depicted in the sitcom The Golden Girls. The current residents don’t eat together very often and have independent lives. However, they do support each other. For instance, when one had to be taken to the emergency room, her home-mate took her there and waited with her.

A Real Win/Win

When asked if the setup is working for them as an investment, Jude says,  “Yes. It’s a real win-win. They have rent cheaper than they could get anywhere else. Its a super niche. Boomers are in need of housing that is affordable, nice and safe.”

Commentary

This is such a smart idea and there are several elements that are worth emphasizing. 

First, Jude takes responsibility for all the initial screening. In this way she makes sure that she is comfortable with who moves in, and it takes this piece of work away from those living in the house. But once the candidate passes the basic screening, she leaves the actual interviewing for household fit to those who live in the home. It is in these conversations that the groundwork is established for living together. This is really important. The group then takes responsibility for its own life together and making it work.

Second, the initial lease is only six months. This is both long enough to get past the honeymoon phase and short enough to remove someone who turns out to be an undesirable home-mate.

Third, Jude has created an initial interviewing guide with some twenty-five questions to aid in talking about the important aspects of sharing housing. She gives them guidance but lets them do it themselves.

Finally, there is the household agreement that is a dynamic document and maintained by everyone in the house.

All in all, the idea of  investing in shared housing could be copied by others.  Jude, in fact, is working on a book about her experience. Stay tuned, I’m sure we’ll have links to it when its done.

What do you think?  Do you like this idea? What do you think would make it work or not work? 

Learn more about the practical side of shared housing, and how to save money: Why the Rent Hike? , Lease or No Lease?

Originally published October 2018

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Everyone lives in a different way, and some people prefer to live alone, but there are major benefits to living with a home-mate! If you’re on the fence, or unsure if shared housing is the right move for you, let us try to convince you. If you’re already on board, good for you! Sit down, figure out your needs, and begin the home-mate selection process. Otherwise, check out these reasons why we believe in the power of shared housing.

5 Benefits of Shared Housing

There are five main ways that sharing housing can improve your life. Shared housing saves money, provides companionship, offers help in the home, improves sustainability, and lets us live whole and healthy lives. Ask yourself what you’re looking for in a living situation, and see if finding a home-mate is the solution.

1. Saving Money

The number one reason people choose to share housing is to save money. Housing costs are high everywhere! Many people, especially those who live alone, struggle to afford their house or apartment. Sharing a home allows you to cut costs without having to downgrade your living situation. In fact, you might be able to afford a better place with a housemate or two. Together you can split your rent, mortgage, utility bills, and even groceries. You could easily save $500 a month, that’s $6000 a year! Having roommates to save money is common for young people, but we stress that this can be a solution for all ages, and that sharing housing can be more than just having a roommate. With a little work, you can find someone to build a home with, a real “home-mate”.

2. Companionship

The second most common reason people choose to share housing is for companionship. For many people this is the most important reason. Maybe you miss living with a family and want someone to share your feelings with. But a companion doesn’t have to be your BFF either. Maybe you just want someone to have a few jokes with before going your separate ways. Companionship means something different for everybody! Some people are more social than others, but we all benefit from social contact. We start going crazy when left on our own for too long. If you don’t have the time, energy, or network to build a bustling social life outside of the home, having a housemate provides an easy connection. It can make such a difference in your life to share a moment in the kitchen in the morning.

3. Help in the Home

How many tasks around the home do you wish you had help with? With a home-mate you can divide up who takes out the trash and cleans out the fridge. You’ll have someone to water the plants while you’re gone for the weekend, and maybe someone to fix the things you were just going to leave broken. There are so many different ways people help each other maintain a home. We have an endless array of tasks from the unimportant to the life threatening. Your home-mate will provide support and help you do things you couldn’t do alone. 

Having a home-mate also gives you support in emergencies. If you get locked out there’s someone else to let you in. If you’re sick, there’s someone to make you soup. All sorts of little accidents and crises could be easily handled if you have a housemate. There are special benefits to think about if you’re a senior sharing housing. Having a home-mate provides safety in a medical emergency, or if you’ve fallen and can’t get up. There’s strength in numbers! Living together can make your life easier and safer

4. Sustainability

If you’re living alone in a house or an apartment, you might wonder, do I need all this? One of the benefits of shared housing is that you can live more efficiently, and cut down on waste. You’ll be sharing heating, water, maybe even sharing rides. The more things you’re sharing, the more sustainable you’re being! If you’re passionate about the environment, shared housing is a great way to have a lighter impact. And, with less waste you save money

5. Whole Person Health

It is our belief that the entire purpose of human existence is to love. Not in the sexualized and romantic sense of that word but rather in the sense of fellow feeling, or warmth, of caring.  The expression of this is practicing kindness and generosity. When we give and when we receive it feels good. People who share housing, who see each other on a daily basis have the opportunity for this flow of giving and receiving. In couples and families it might not even get noticed. When you share a home with a housemate you also have the opportunity to have the gracious exchange of giving and receiving that enlivens us and makes us whole people.

How to Move Forward

We believe shared housing can work for many people, no matter what income bracket, age, sexual orientation, race, or gender. It can solve a variety of problems! But don’t jump in willy-nilly. Finding a good housemate is a project. It takes some thought, some work and certainly talking to people.

The place to start is with yourself. Take time to reflect on your needs and desires. What is it that you’re looking for, what problems are you trying to solve? Can the benefits of shared housing bring improvements into your life? If you’re confident that shared housing is the right move for you, then you’re ready to start the home-mate selection process. Keep your mind open and good luck finding a home-mate that’s good for you!

Originally published June 2015

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