Much like my bedside manner, my writing on this site tends to appear in quick, short spurts, before disappearing again for weeks and sometimes months at a time. As I’m sure you will agree, this is not ideal.

So just to let you know, I am still around, just busy piecing together a couple of loose ends around the smorgasbord of drama, issues, stories and blatant lies that is my life.

I should be back on track in about a week or so, but may throw in the odd gem of wisdom in between. Rather than visiting the site, excitedly expecting a new post before slithering away in disappointment, why not just subscribe so that you get notifications as soon as I write something new?

Hey? Did you even know about that?

You can either subscribe and get an email whenever I write something, or subscribe and get a notice in your “feed reader”. ( I don’t feel like explaining what that is just now, as it is late and my eyes are hurting).

The easiest thing is probably to subscribe via email. Just type in your email address in the box to your left (my right - yes, I am actually staring at you right now) and that’s it.

Okay, so do that, and then we will chat again in a couple of days.

Deal?

Deal.

Oakes signing off.

It’s the middle of the week and - wait, is it? Yes… yes it is, sorry I kind of lost track of things just now. Where was I? Oh yes, it’s the middle of the week and it’s time to have a look at what could very well be the most awesome-looking movie of the year.

It’s called Black Dynamite (no relation to Napolean Dynamite) and is about a total badass called, rather surprisingly, Black Dynamite. Set in the 1970’s, it pays homage to the blaxploitation movies of that era.

Here with the plot outline from imdb.com:

Check out the trailer below:

How awesome does that look? “Look out, you jive suckas! Black Dynamite’s Here”. Bad Ass.

That is all.

Oakes signing off.

How To Avoid Paying For Drinks

It’s Tuesday, and it’s time for another recession busting money saving tip for you, as well as you and especially YOU over there, yes you, the guy who is maxing out his credit card, in the vain hope that he will get to sleep with the rather high maintenance chick with the penchant for Moët et Chandon.

Now, you all remember my last money saving guide right? Yes, that proved to be a rather popular one. This time around we are going to narrow things down a bit, and look at clubs and bars in particular.

We all enjoy a night out at a club or bar don’t we? I certainly do, although having to pay for copious amounts of drinks would certainly leave me feeling bitter and resentful the next morning. Thankfully I am not bitter or resentful however, as I regularly employ the following techniques, which I will now share with you, in a point by point fashion.

1) Observe The 15 Minute Rule
“Shaun, what is the 15 Minute Rule?” I hear you crying out. It’s simple really, whenever you are out and about, always work out the estimated time you will be staying at the venue, together with the number of guests in your party. If there are three of you hanging out at a pub, and you estimate that you will be there for approximately 1 hour, that equates to four rounds (1 drink at 15 minutes a pop - you are drinking at a leisurely pace) Using this ratio, it makes sense then that you buy the third round, rather than the first. At the current rate of drinking, the patsy who has bought the first round will end up buying the fourth and last round as well, something you would not really be keen on doing. So in summary, don’t go and be the hero who whips out his wallet first. Bide your time, and make a healthy saving.

2) Maintain The Quarter Full Savings Plan
If you are angling to be a dick for the night and not pay for ANY drinks, be sure to maintain the quarter full savings plan. Basically, hold back slightly on your drink whilst your friends finish their ones, ensuring that you have approximately a quarter volume left in your glass or bottle. Once they finish their beverages, they will usually start making murmuring sounds about getting another. Stay calm, and coolly sip on your beverage. Realising that you are still having your drink, they will grow impatient and head over to the bar, but not before asking whether you are okay. This is usually a token gesture on their part but it’s important that you take full advantage of their politeness. Look at your quarter-full drink for a second, pretend as if you are mulling things over, and then agree with their request to get you another. Because it’s down to a quarter, you should be able to easily consume it whilst they are away at the bar. Keep doing this during the night, and you will find that your friends will pay for all your drinks.

3) Charm The Drunks, They Will Throw Their Money At You
There is nothing better than bumping into an old acquaintance at a bar or club, especially one that is completely and utterly hammered. Depending on your social standing, they will usually be extremely happy to see you, and may even go so far as to hug or inappropriately touch you. It’s important not to freak out or show your distaste for them, but rather humour them for a few minutes with arbitrary small talk, all the while carefully shepherding them toward the bar. Once they realise where they are, their eyes will quickly light up, their wallets or purses will appear, and drinks will be sent your way in a timely fashion. Once you have a drink, you can nimbly sidestep away to the next patsy friend.

4) Play The Toilet Card. Often
Sometimes you can be out with obnoxious sorts, who will demand that you buy a drink for them, irrespective of the fact that you still have a quarter Amstel in your hand. In these instances, simply refuse to get them a round - whenever it looks as if it’s time for you to go to the bar, simply walk backward in a slow steady manner, ensuring that they cannot easily see what you are doing. (After a few drinks, the human being’s vision is based on rapid movement, like a T-Rex.) Slowly edge away, and then disappear in the bathroom for about 3 minutes or so, enough time for one of your friends to go to the bar instead, and thus saving you another round.

And there you go - four fairly simplistic techniques which are both powerful and effective. Carrying these out in a disciplined manner should see you make massive savings when going out, I regularly spend + - R20 at a time on all night benders using these tactics, so you should find the same level of success.

Good luck.

Now go and conquer.

Oakes signing off.

It’s Monday, and I have been playing around, firstly with myself, and then with this cool little program I found on the “internet” (said using my fingers to indicate inverted commas next to my head).

Being the slightly overweight genius that I am, I have created my own animated series called “The Strange But True World Of Shaun Oakes“, which will feature events and stories which have actually occurred during my exciting and eventful life.

The pilot episode, which you can view below, recounts the tale of the day I was featured in the May 2008 edition of Cosmopolitan magazine. (Note - there is some colourful language used in places. F**k is used quite a bit. )

Enjoy:

Boom. More to come, so stay tuned for regular episodes.

Oakes signing off.

It’s Saturday and it’s time to look at the random site of the day. This one is pretty random, but amazingly awesome at the same time. I’m not even going to try and explain how staggeringly brilliant this is. Just make sure Flash is enabled, put on your speakers and enjoy. Click on the image below

Click to go to the site. Do it now. Now I said!

Boom. Did you like that. You’re humming it now, aren’t you?

Yeah, you enjoyed that, I can see.

Oakes signing off.

A New Discovery - But What Is It Exactly?

So I found myself at Neighbourhood in Long Street on Friday night having a piss in the urinals.

Now just to be clear, I wasn’t at Neighbourhood just to take a piss in their urinals - granted, they do have great urinals, and perhaps there are some people who would frequent the place just so they could use these urinals. I however, am not one of those people, and was instead there for some wine, some women and just a little bit of song.

It was after enjoying a steady amount of said wine, that I found myself unleashing a yellow wave of awesomeness in the toilets.

“Mmm, what is this?” I murmured thoughtfully, as I looked down toward where I was dropping off the kids.

“I believe it’s your penis, and what a beautiful penis it is,” said the bearded man alongside me. This didn’t surprise me however, as he had in fact been staring at my penis in an inappropriate manner since I took it out, like a grizzled horse trainer marveling at the arrival of an exciting young steed.

“No, I am not referring to my beautiful penis, but rather the strange, luminous coloured and strongly scented urinal cake” I said cautiously, trying to steer the conversation away from my genitalia.

The urinal cakes were in fact luminous coloured, and they certainly were strongly scented. My one had a firm musky smell, like a hairy man who has just done a light jog in the street on a balmy Summer’s day. Not sweaty mind you, but a sweet musk which some women find alluring. It beats the traditional urinal cakes which smells of soap mixed with urine. These new things seem to cause a chemical reaction when coming into contact with human wee, and gives off a lovely, fresh aroma.

So why am I writing about this? I am not really sure, this intrigued me and I thought it may intrigue you too. We are always learning over here, and today is no exception. These things are apparently known as “Pmats” and they are quickly becoming all the rage. Here with some snippets from their website:

Nice. I especially like the fact that it reduces splash back, I hate the splash back, more so when it’s not your own.

That is all.

Oakes signing off.

Bardelli's - In Kenilworth

I was driving through Kenilworth the other day when the strange heart condition I have suddenly kicked in. Basically, when this happens, I have to eat gourmet pizza as soon as possible or my heart stops beating and I die. Luckily for me, this happened just as I was driving passed Bardelli’s in Kenilworth Road, so I managed to avert an early death and enjoy pizza instead.

Bardelli’s has what some may call a “homely” vibe. Seated inside, the room felt like a lounge area of a suburban house, and wasn’t too big - there were about five tables with about 10 other guests in total. Apparently there is also a large courtyard outside where you can eat, but I wasn’t too bothered to go and check it out. The Girlfriend - who I had let out of the car boot once she promised to behave herself - did have a look around the back, and said it was tastefully decorated and fairly spacious.

Being fairly hungry at this point, we ordered three pizzas - bacon and feta, a vegetarian, and one with braised lamb. The pizza is served on an ultra thin crust and can be quite difficult to cut, whilst attempting to cut through her vegetarian slice, The Girlfriend succeeded in launching a piece of hard crust directly in my good eye, blinding me for the rest of the evening. After aiming a retaliatory punch at her, which she blocked with consummate ease, we decided to eat with our hands instead, which we both agreed was a more comfortable eating experience.

In terms of the pizza, we both enjoyed the bacon and feta and the vegetarian pizzas, which had just the right amount of rich flavour that one would expect from a gourmet pizza. The lamb pizza was a bit of a write-off however, with the meat both dry and lifeless, and we both felt that lamb should never be served on pizza ever again.

As we were seated in a fairly small area, we had no problem with the service, with the attractive - if somewhat ginger - waitress constantly on hand to ensure we were well served.For dessert, The Girlfriend had the creme brulee , whilst I polished off another Windhoek Lager.

All in all, an enjoyable night out. Bardelli’s isn’t a “hoity toity” or pretentious place, and would be a good venue for a midweek night out, or a fourth or fifth date venue, when you have already slept with your girlfriend / boyfriend, and can let your hair down and just enjoy yourself. The Girlfriend was certainly in good spirits when we left, and even let me feel her up in the car thereafter, so a good time was certainly had by all.

What: Bardelli’s
Where: 51 Kenilworth Road, Kenilworth (over the railway line coming from the Main Road, passed Ruby Tuesday)
How Much: + - 150 per person. (Which includes mains, dessert and a few drinks. Reasonable.)
Contact:+27 (0)21 683 1423

The poll on Some Other Guy’s facial hair, is currently still open.

Latest results currently look as follows:

Poll Results - Looking Like A Giant Cock Is Currently Leading The Way.

If you disagree with the current situation, mozy on over to the poll by clicking here and get voting.

That is all.

So I decided to go jogging yesterday evening which, if you are familiar with the weather we had in Cape Town on Monday, proved to be a simply marvelous idea, right up there with other great ideas I have had in the past, including getting circumsized at the ripe old age of 19, or trying to claim a prize I won through timeshare.

Besides the fact that I was literally soaked, and will most likely die of pneumonia within the next few days, I also managed to pull every sinew of muscle situated in my legs, which left me walking around The Office today in a peculiar manner, as if a warm banana had been firmly inserted between my thighs. (Not that I’m totally against that mind you, but there is a time and a place, and today was not that place)

So why am I putting myself through this torture, you may ask? Well, we are slowly waddling towards Summer now - Monday’s weather notwithstanding - and it’s time to shed my Winter Weight, which is a layer of fat I traditionally store around the period of April - November to keep me warm during Cape Town’s blistering cold Winter months.

Instead of exercise, I usually just pop a few of these exercise pills called Phedra Cut, which literally eats away at my fat although, admittedly plenty of my muscle too.

Shaun's Magic Weight Control Pills

However, this year I’m looking for something a little more organic, something a little easier on the liver. So, are there any quick and easy weight loss methods out there? I’m not really keen on the whole road running vibe, but anything else I would be willing to give a try.

I’m specifically trying to lose weight around my derriere and thighs, as I put on weight the way a woman does and so am currently blessed with bulky hips and thighs, like a potato, or a large pear.

Shaun: Just Chilling In A White Room.

Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated. The cheque is in the post.

Oakes signing off.

Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell from Old School - Completely Nailing His Public Speaking Engagement.

So the other day I found myself giving a lecture at a prominent Cape Town tertiary institution (it rhymes with You See Tea). Although speaking in public is not something I particularly enjoy (I am far more comfortable swearing in public, or shouting incoherently at large crowds) I nevertheless pulled it off with style and aplomb, with 92% of the audience agreeing that it was utterly brilliant, with the other 8% having walked out after an opening joke about my third testicle.

Seeing as it’s Tuesday, traditionally a day of learning, I thought I would share some tips and techniques with you regarding public speaking, which will help you come across as a skillful and confident orator.

#1 - Don’t Bother Learning Your Material
The best speeches and lectures are ones that are completely off the cuff. Don’t waste your time trying to remember lines off the top of your head. Walk up there without having a clue about what you are going to say and just go with it. The brain has a defense mechanism that will kick in whenever it senses that public humiliation is imminent. Try it, you will find that you will quickly start talking about your chosen topic in a natural, easy-going manner - even if you have no idea what you are talking about. I regularly give talks on macro-economic policy changes in sub-Saharan Africa, as there is a Namibian economist called Shaun Oakes, and I regularly get his invitations for speaking events. Thus far, I have yet to be caught out, and if I can get away with it, so can you.

#2 - Alienate And Antagonize Your Audience
Something I am fond of doing before a public speaking engagement is mingling with the audience beforehand. The aim here is to insult and offend as many of them as possible in the quickest amount of time. Remember, you probably only have about 10 minutes before you are due to speak to really work a crowd, so it’s important to be as efficient as possible. With smaller crowds I usually look to insult about 4 or 5 of the uglier members of an audience, as people tend to think you’re a dick when you mock people about the way they look, and resentment will spread at a fairly rapid rate. If you are pushed for time though, and are presenting to a fairly large crowd, try punching a small child in the solar plexus. If there are no children around, a short bald man will also do. Tall people or males with large under-bites should generally be avoided though, as they tend to hit back, you are specifically looking at soft targets that you can easily take in a brawl. This is a powerful technique which should have the audience cursing your name, which is a good thing. Remember, a hostile audience is an attentive one.

#3 - Realise That People Want You To Fail
Everyone hates public speaking, this is a fact of life. The two most widespread fears people have worldwide is the fear of dying and the fear of public speaking. Because of this innate fear, they enjoy watching others suffer, and will secretly will them to fail, as the human spirit is conditioned to resent and envy the success of others. Therefore, it’s important to go in with the mindset that the audience are sitting there, staring at you, hoping that you will fail. Realising this will bring great clarity and calmness to your inner being, as you adopt the “It’s Me Against The World” mentality that all top sportsmen embrace. So remember, the members of the audience are not your friends, they are there to see you fail. Prove them wrong and nail your lecture / presentation / speech. Then rub their noses in it thereafter. As one does.

#4 - Repeat Yourself Often And… Repeatedly
There is nothing worse than finishing a speech or presentation, only to find that the audience cannot remember anything you have just said. To counter this, repeat things over and over again, especially when you have nothing else to say, and are trying to buy some time. If nothing else, your audience should find you rather memorable thereafter. To counter this, repeat things over and over again, especially when you have nothing else to say, and are trying to buy some time. If nothing else, your audience should find you rather memorable thereafter. See what I did there? Exactly.

#5 - Picture Yourself Naked In Front Of An Audience
We are usually at our most comfortable when we are naked, be it when we are showering, taking a bath, or fooling around on the cold kitchen floor. Thus, a great technique to eradicate nerves is to imagine that you are completely naked in front of your audience, who are of course all fully clothed. This should immediately put you at ease and, with the aid of the other techniques mentioned above, should ensure that you completely ace your public speaking engagement.

Do you have any decent public speaking tips? Well, keep them to yourself, nobody cares what you think.

The tips above are all you really need. If you really feel that you have anything constructive to add though, make a comment and I will attempt to humour you.

Oakes signing off.

It’s Sunday evening and, being in a reflective mood after consuming copious amounts of Jameson, I thought I would share with you a list I am compiling of people who annoyed me this past week. If given the opportunity, I’m fairly certain I would punch each and every one of them in the mouth, several times in certain instances. Without further do, let’s have a look at them:

#1 - The Big Issue Vendor Who Works Around The Corner From Wembley Square (Cape Town)

Reason - For pretending to be incredibly happy and bubbly, when he clearly isn’t. “Hello sir, how are you? Me, I am just fine - 120%!” he will say excitedly whilst doing a little jig in the street, as I desperately try and ignore him at the traffic lights. Let’s be honest, there is no way a Big Issue Vendor can be that happy with his lot in life. He is clearly being condescending and more than a little patronising toward me, for reasons that are not immediately clear to me at this point. The only way I would be that happy and clappy, is if I had $100 million in my bank account, drove a vintage sports car, and had an immense 15 inch piece. Sure, one out of three isn’t bad, but until I have the trifecta, I will continue to be bitter and resentful. Oh, and to top it off, when I did buy one of his magazines, he didn’t even have change for me, so I ended up paying R20 for something which usually costs R12 (I think).

#2 - The Little Boy Who Sold Me A R12 Can of Coke on Saturday

Reason - Because I then found out that everyone else was selling it for R10. To cut a long story short, we went to the Diwali Festival at Ratanga Junction on Saturday, as The Girlfriend enjoys learning about other cultures, and I was keen on seeing some hot Indian chicks like they have on those Bollywood DVDs I get from my friend Sergio. Unfortunately, when we arrived, instead of being greeted by Aishwarya Rai or Riya Sen lookalikes, we found ourselves surrounded by mostly middle-aged men with moustaches. To make matters worse, a little kid came up to me and offered me a can of coke for R12. Although I thought it was slightly pricey, I assumed this was the going rate and took it off his clammy little hands. Imagine my surprise then to discover that everyone was in fact selling it for R2 less. I don’t often punch kids in the mouth, as their mothers generally tend to get quite uncomfortable about this, but I would certainly make an exception with him.

#3 - The Chick Who I Greeted At Gardens Centre, And Then Didn’t Acknowledge Me

Reason - Because everyone saw me lifting my hand, nodding my head and saying “Hey, how are you?” in Woolies. Instead of warmly reciprocating my greeting however, she instead took a sharp right, scuttling off to the aisle where they sell muffins and those mini frosted doughnuts I love and secretly want to sleep with, leaving me looking like a prized tit. It wouldn’t have been that bad if no one was around to share my humiliation, but I could actually hear the gay couple behind simultaneously going “fhhh, oooh”, whilst both pulling the face you make when you cut your finger whilst slicing carrots. A grimace, I think it’s called. She clearly heard me greeting, Woolworths are not known for playing loud music in the store. She also could not claim to not know me, she did after all have sex with a friend of mine in MY car a few years back outside Springbok Pub in Newlands. I even helpfully drove her home, whilst my friend had his face buried in her cleavage. A simple “hello” would have sufficed. Now you will instead get a punch on the bottom lip.

…

And that is all. Not too bad a week then, I usually have about ten people I would like to strike, so this is probably a new record.

Let me know how your one has been.

I will pretend to listen.

Oakes signing off.

As I grow older and begin mellowing out from my wild hell raising days, I find I spend more and more time watching upcoming movie trailers and downloading pornography featuring middle aged women in leopard-skin tights.

I won’t share the latter with you, as porn is not like marijuana and should not really be passed around. I will however share this upcoming movie trailer with you, called “Legion“.

It is due to come out in 2010, and is about the apocalypse and angels and other biblical things.

Here with the plot summary:

After a terrifying biblical apocalypse descends upon the world, a group of strangers stranded in a remote truck stop diner in the Southwest unwittingly become humanity’s last line of defense when they discover the diner’s young waitress is pregnant with the messiah.

How awesome does that sound, hey? There you are, sitting in a diner having lemon pie, and all of a sudden you have the responsibility of protecting the pretty young waitress you had been contemplating trying to sleep with, even though you you knew she was pregnant, although admittedly not with the messiah.

The plot sounds good, the trailer even more so, check it out:

Hey? Hey? How amazing did that look? Angels with guns, it doesn’t get better than that. Mostly B-grade actors, although a grizzled Dennis Quaid features, and he is always worth a watch.

Let’s pencil that in as one to keep an eye out for, shall we?

Oakes signing off.

Some Other Guy's Facial Hair - Yay or Nay?

Some Other Guy recently rocked up at the HQ the other day for a surprise visit, sporting a strange fur-like substance on his face. “Some Other Guy”, I exclaimed in astonishment, “what is that on your chin?”.

“It’s a beard, ” he replied defiantly, “and it’s a truly magnificent one”.

I decided to withhold judgement and put it to a poll instead. Please provide feedback below.

Oakes signing off.

Good Hope FM DJ Sean O (Is It Oakes?)

I was driving on a dark, lonely road the other day when somehow, my radio picked up the Good Hope FM signal, and if by magic I suddenly found myself listening to their broadcast. I haven’t listened to this station in years, I generally found their DJ’s to be - well, to be perfectly blunt - a bunch of cocks, who would regularly bore me to tears talking about their mundane lives on air, or “interesting news” that they just pulled word-for-word from the internet.

Anyhoo, I overheard them advertising some other DJ bloke who would be on that Saturday morning, and rather suspiciously, it sounded as if they said “Shaun Oakes”. Now granted, I do have a voice like bubbling hot chocolate and would probably do very well on radio, but to my knowledge I wasn’t aware of any radio gig that I had for the upcoming weekend.

So I whipped out my trusty laptop which I keep down my underpants for precisely situations such as these, and mozied over to Good Hope’s website, where I discovered that they have a disc jockey called “Sean O”.

Now, I’m not sure what his last name is, and I’m hoping someone could shed light on this. Obviously, if it’s “Oakes” there will be some cause for concern, and I may have to get my ninja friends to take him out.

“Oakes” is of course a South American name, emanating from the great “Dela Oakes” tribe who lived amongst the Andes mountains in Argentina (hence my dark, smouldering Latino looks).

Shaun Oakes - Dark, Smouldering Latino

This guy looks like a white though, so I’m assuming his name is probably along the lines of “Oliver” or something of a similar nature.

Anyone care to shed some light on this?

Oakes signing off.

Incognito: Shaun dressed up as an old woman, checking out the biltong.

I was walking around Gardens Centre (not Center) today, purchasing my weekly stash of extra large condoms from the nearby Pick n Pay. Having to cart around large boxes of rubbers usually leaves me feeling peckish, as well as slightly aroused. I couldn’t really do anything about my semi, but I could satisfy my appetite, and so headed over to the J&M stall to get some biltong (which is dried, salted meat - a South African delicacy)

I greeted the woman behind the counter in a civil and plutonic manner, not wanting to come across any creepier than what I already seemed. (My slight erection was gently tapping the bottom of the counter as I spoke, which may have made her feel uneasy) Nevertheless, I assumed she was a seasoned professional, who had no doubt seen her fair share of peculiar behavior whilst selling her dried meats. I cleared my throat authoritatively, and was just about to place my order of matured, dried kudo, when the woman’s cellphone rang.

Expecting her to let it ring, she instead answered it.

Expecting her to then say, “Hi, I’m just busy with a customer, will call you back”, she instead started a conversation, seemingly under the impression that, by lifting her hand out, indicating that I should wait, I would wait.

She obviously sensed my fear of confrontation because I did in fact wait.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Eventually, she ended her call, and gave me my biltong, after she saw me pursing my lips, and hearing me breathe out heavily, things polite people typically do when they are angry.

I was planning on spending R50, but I only ended up spending R45 instead.

She didn’t like it, but I think a point was certainly made.

The end.

…

…

What?

F**k you, of course that was a story, what do you mean I wasted your time?

There was a valid point to this, the biltong lady at the counter made me wait whilst she spoke on the phone. Christ, do I need to spell things out for you? You are probably also one of those people who didn’t even click that the movie District Nine was actually about the 1995 Rugby World Cup. (think about it)

Oakes signing off.

It’s Monday and I am not in the mood to write anything of substance. Instead, I am content to just sit here and smell weird odours which would usually disgust me on any other day, but which I am finding quite alluring right now.

Seeing as it’s October, and it’s been about two months since we lost spoke (we will bring that up in another post) I thought I would share some of my favorites with you, like a young man sharing his last Rolo with the large-breasted girl he wants to have sex with, but is intimidated by because she has already slept with all his friends, and besides which, he is still a virgin who suspects his winky may be too small to sufficiently satisfy her.

Odour 1: Your finger after you have worn a ring on a warm Summer’s day.
It’s a horrible scent, but my God is it also an addictive one. I get great solace from this smell when I’m feeling down and melancholic, and I regularly try and share it with others. The Girlfriend is not so keen on smelling it though, and nearly bit the tip off my ring finger the last time I tried shoving it under her nose. Nevertheless, it is a scent truly worth treasuring.

The Ring: It's a hot day, pull it off and smell that bad boy.

Odour 2: Your hair after a week of not washing it.
The year 2004 was a magical one, in which I could be found sporting a studded earring, a gold chain, and a sleek, Michael-Jackson-90’s-era-esque mullet. The mullet look was obtained through persistent hair straightening, and the stubborn refusal to wash my hair for many weeks. An oily, slightly onion-flavored scent it may have given, but it was an aroma that I will forever hold close to my heart.

Shaun in the 90s: Resembling a young John Stamos.

Odour 3: Your fingers after cutting your toenails.
Contrary to popular belief, my shoe size is actually an 8, rather than the often quoted 10. I managed to obtain the much-valued added length, through the careful cultivation of my toenails, which I maintain carefully through the rigorous use of varnishing applications, nail filing as well as dedicated buffering. Sometimes, during warm days where slip slops are the preferred foot attire, The Girlfriend will threaten me with physical harm unless I agree to clip them. Suffice to say, the smell it leaves on my fingers is something which could forever haunt me, were not for the fact that I am then forced to wash them thoroughly with detergents and other anti-bacterial soaps.

Toenails: Shaun has beautiful ones.

Odour 4: Your skin after sitting on the beach all day.
The recipe is a simple one - apply copious amounts of sun screen to the body, bake in the sun for several hours, and then sit back and enjoy. After a hard day on the beach under the unforgiving African sun, my skin emits a sweet and sometimes even a sour smell, that will have me alienating and unsettling everyone around me, as I sniff my arms and hands, like a young dog belonging to the girl you have just started dating, who embarrasses you by aggressively smelling your crotch area, after you unwisely decided to give a few showers a miss, naively thinking that it would release the pheromones that may see her go down on you that evening in your car.

Suntanning: Shaun showing off his famous thighs.

Odour 5: I think four from my side is enough. Feel free to throw in some of your favorites here. I know you all have them. Don’t be shy, we are all friends here.

I have mentioned Twitter to you before, right?

Check out Darth Vader’s Twitter page, it’s well worth a look.

Click On The Image For Larger Version.

I enjoyed that, didn’t you?

Hey?

What did you say just now?

You don’t know who Darth Vader is?

Come here, I want to show you something.

Seriously, it’s in my pocket, come closer. Closer, you will like it.

[Pow - uppercut in the mouth]

When you have put some ice on that, go have a look at some of the other ones they have here.

Oakes signing off.

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m usually very discerning when it comes to most things in life, and this holds especially true for comics.

Not for me the mundane semi humour of Peanuts, Garfield and that especially horrid one with the dog. Fred Basset? Yes, I believe it’s Fred Basset. I’ve been to funerals with better jokes than what those comic strips come up with.

No, I enjoy my comics the way I enjoy my women - short, with just a hint of dirtiness to them. (ha ha, that was a joke, The Girlfriend)

John and John would fall under that category. This seems to be some sort of Dutch strips, and looks to be worth a read or two. Here with a couple of gems:

The Peeing In The Shower Conundrum - Something We Can All Relate To.

Having A Tug Whilst Doing Something Else. We've All Tried That At Least Once.

Hey? You enjoyed that didn’t you? Your head was telling you, “Wow, this is a little juvenile, I shouldn’t like this.” but your heart was telling you, “I want to hold this close to me, and gently brush my lips against it.” Right? Yeah, me too.

You can see more by mozying down over here.

Oakes signing off.

Some Other Guy, Pissing Off Peta Since 1983.

Not sure when this this picture was taken or why, but here is a classic shot of Some Other Guy, looking dapper in his genuine Kodak bear fur coat, which is worth a small fortune as it was the last bear of it’s kind in the Southern Hemisphere.

Not sure about the fan behind him though - it looks a little crazy, might well be a stalker.

Boom. Boom.

Oakes signing off.

This Is What We Are Talking About

Now for those of you who know me, you will of course be well aware of my muscular thighs, my finely chiseled calves, and the rather charming pair of ankles I happen to have. You will of course then, also be aware of my enormous feet, which both resemble medium sized motorboats, and is pretty much the sole reason why I nearly made the South African Olympic swimming team in 1996.

To offset my large feet, I used to rely on optical illusion, forcing my tootsies into ill-fitting crocodile leather shoes, as they were supposed to be slimming and bring my shoe size down from the behemoth 15 to a more respectable 8.

Wearing too-small shoes left me walking around in an awkward Geisha-like manner however, and left me with low self esteem, as it firstly prevented me from running around briskly, and secondly lead to the dogs and cats in the neighbourhood regularly roughing me up, as my unique walking style seemed to leave them mentally unhinged and wanting to taste my blood, something I obviously wasn’t too keen on.

Thus, I decided to ditch the croc leathers and settle for flared jeans, as it suitably covered my feet and left me looking like a normal slightly effeminate man.

Unfortunately, the cynical bitch that is fashion has decided that flared jeans are no longer mainstream, and I can no longer find them in stores. This troubles me, as the thought of wearing skinny jeans leaves me feeling cold and apprehensive. I could also never do that to my testicles, as they have grown up used to the freedom and comfort of loose-fitting jeans attire, and it just wouldn’t be fair on them to now go for the more constrictive route.

The Levi’s 782 jeans were mentioned as viable flared options, but are there any other jeans I can check out in the city? Bootlegs are not the same, they actually need to be flared nicely at the bottom, like the bell bottom pants long-haired hippies would merrily prance around in back in the 70’s, just minutes before they were then beaten over the heads by over-zealous cops working for the Man.

So, any cool stores or labels you know selling flared jeans in Cape Town, give me a shout.

Preferably in a 36 waist… Yes, I said 36.

What?

Don’t judge me, I have wide hips.

Oakes signing off.