You have a photo of your pet as your Facebook Profile Pic? Yeah... I am just going to go ahead and unfriend you now, thanks.

At last count, I had just over 500 friends on Facebook, which is pretty remarkable, when you consider the fact that I am incredibly anti-social, and would choose rupturing my Achilles tendon over having dinner with 15 other people.

Now, rupturing your Achilles tendon is a pretty painful experience, but I would choose it. Every time. Well, probably 9 times out of 10.

I would choose the dinner on the 10th occasion just to add a bit of variety. Because the only thing I hate more than socialising with other people, is doing the same thing over and over again.

So the 10th time, yeah, it would be dinner with 15 other people. But I wouldn’t enjoy it.

Anyhoo, besides a few close friends, work colleagues, the odd family member and a selection of nemeses (which is the plural of nemesis) the majority of my Facebook friends seem to be a bunch of randoms I don’t know very well.

Besides you obviously, you are clearly the exception. But everyone else is random.

Every quarter, I do a bit of spring cleaning, removing people I have no intention of socialising with in the near future. This usually involves me clicking on the Friends page on Facebook, and then randomly choosing people with offensive Profile Photos. People with their newborn babies or kids saved as their Profile Pics are usually the first to go, as that is the most offensive. Then it’s people who have images of “clever ”random messages like “I Facebooked Your Mom”. Then it’s people who save photos of other people (usually ugly or severely unattractive people) as their Profile Pics.

Something that is ideal for this quarterly Friend culling exercise is this game on the Hunter’s Facebook Page, which randomly displays pics of your Facebook friends, giving you six seconds to guess who it is. Not only is it quite fun and addictive, but it’s also a great way for me to clean up my Friend List.

Don’t recognise this guy? Boom, I’ve just unfriended you.

Does anyone else think of that hip hop song by Eve when you see the title of this game?

And if you’re really good and you know your friends and you somehow rack up a lot of points, you can score a bar fridge as a prize.

The Belgians call this “a Win Win Situation” in Belgian. Which in English, loosely translates to “a Win Win Situation”. Which is exactly the same thing.

Makes you think.

Huh? Don’t get that? Me neither. Just think about it.

Oakes signing off

Not remembering shit.

Look, let me start off by saying that I realise that vagrants and the homeless have been dealt a shitty hand in life, I really do. I can’t even begin to imagine the hardships they must face on a daily basis, all in an effort to simply survive.

Having said that, I just… I just wish they would pay a little more attention to the people who give them money, that’s all.

I regularly hand out a R5 and a kind word to a couple of homeless guys around the Gardens area. On the one or two occasions I don’t have spare change though, I am treated as if I have slept with their mothers, girlfriends and sisters and given them all STDs.

Just the other day, I gave a guy some change at the traffic lights. As I drove off I realised I went the wrong way and so had to double back, ending up at the same pair of traffic lights. The same guy from 2 minutes earlier came up to me and asked me for change, and when I shook my head in puzzlement, he shook his head right back at me. Kind of like a disappointed father who has just received a mediocre school report from his kid.

It made me feel really shitty and I nearly jumped out of my car to explain to him that I had actually given him some change not 5 minutes earlier.

But then the traffic lights changed, and so obviously I had to go.

But yeah, vagrants with bad memories hey.

Not ideal.

Oakes signing off.

The 80s. Slowly Being Stalked and Murdered by the Hippo.

I am quite fond of songs from the 80’s. In fact, fond is a severe understatement.

If the 80’s were a woman, I would very likely be trying to feel her up outside her car, after plying her with alcohol earlier in the evening and getting her to talk to me about sex. (this is a seduction technique called “Anchoring” – I read about this in an email I received the other day which also told me I needed penile enlargement)

I’m a huge fan of 80’s pop songs which is why the Hippo insurance adverts really anger me. Hippo is a company that gets you multiple quotes on insurance, which sounds like a pretty useful service, right? Sure, I would probably think it’s great too, were it not for the fact that they INSIST on butchering popular songs from the 80’s in their adverts.

They basically take the tune and chorus and add in their own shitty lyrics about insurance quotes. They started out by brutally maiming “We Built This City on Rock ‘n Roll” by 80’s super group Starship, and now they’ve done it again by bludgeoning “You Spin Me ‘Round” by Dead or Alive. See below.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhe1RAxEXQI

Now as you know, things very seldom anger me, I’m generally described as quite a chilled out, laid back, slightly effeminate young man. Having said that, I’m convinced that if I were to bump into the Hippo from Hippo Insurance in the street, there is a fair to mild chance that I will end up inserting my foot firmly and authoratively up its bum hole.

I swear if they decide to mess with “Jump” by Van Halen I will completely lose my shit.

I don’t need the Hippo. Especially if he is going to kill my 80s vibe. Seriously, let’s stop doing that now.

Oakes signing off.

If you see this book, drop what you are doing and RUN.

I don’t read books. As a rule, the only books I read are the my own collection of short stories and narrative poetry (they are unpublished because it’s so good, your brain would literally explode when you read them, and I would then be charged with murder)

When people ask me what’s the last book I read, or what my favourite book is, I usually have a couple of stock answers. If I’m in the company of hard-core, Woolworth’s and E-TV hating Christians, then my favourite book is obviously the King James Bible.

For everyone else, it’s “American Psycho” by Bret Easton Ellis (I read this book once when I was 4 years old, but I often throw this name out because it makes me sound cool and edgy)

Having said all that, the other day I was reluctantly talked into reading what was described to me as “the most amazing book you will read this year” by both family members and friends. This immediately unsettled me, as I am seldom amazed, especially by a book.

I went ahead and started reading it though, as The Girlfriend had packed away my own volumes of prose, and I needed something to entertain and amuse me. So I began “Shantaram” by the author Gregory David Roberts. It’s about an Australian bank robber and drug addict who escapes from an Australian prison and heads off to India.

It’s portrayed as a vivid, epic adventure but I can honestly say it’s the most boring, dragged out story I have ever read. I have often made ballsy statement like “I would rather stab myself than do xyz” but after spending time with this book, the kitchen carving knife really did start looking pretty appealing. The book itself is about 2000 pages long, and weighs about 15kg, so it’s a lengthy read. I gave it my best shot and got to about 400 pages before giving up. You would think by this point, I would be fairly far into the plot, but no, I still don’t really know where the story is going. The author has an annoying habit of describing everything to the last detail, and writes out long conversations between characters as they talk about philosophical psycho babble that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the story.

I don’t often write about books, and this isn’t a book review, but I just thought I’d warn you about this, as Shantaram seems to be quite popular for some reason and is being passed around various groups of friends like a 19 year old chick who’s had to much Jagermeister. (I call it the “Emporer’s New Clothes Effect” – everyone is to afraid to speak up and say what a shit book it is)

There are a few people who seem to agree with me though, here with a couple of random Amazon Reviews I found:

So if you are someone who happens to read, and someone mentions this book to you, punch them in the face.

Tell them it was from me.

Oakes signing off.

A Lumberjack. Updating his Facebook Status.

I often get random press releases about upcoming events or parties, which I usually pay no attention to, as I am completely anti-social. I pretty much hate everyone, with the exception of approximately 27 people, 3 dogs, 1 cat and a Shetland Pony named “Sidney Poitier”. Before you ask, I don’t know why the Shetland Pony is named after a legendary black Hollywood actor, that’s just how he was introduced to me, he has always gone by that name, and it just feels normal now and doesn’t feel ridiculous at all when I greet him and say “Hi Sidney Poitier”, as he contently eats his hay whilst simultaneously taking a shit.

Anyhoo, I received a mail the other day about a Lumberjack Festival happening in Stellenbosch in a couple of weeks, which sounds quite interesting. Women find men with beards very sexy, and I would literally kill someone if it meant I was able to grow a thick, manly beard. Unfortunately I am blessed with a smooth, baby-like face instead. If you know of a way to magically grow a thick face bush, my offer to kill someone still stands. (Has to be someone fairly weak physically though, so I can easily choke them out)

Here is an extract from the email about the event:

There is a bunch of other info, so I suggest you go visit their Facebook Page or email them at lumberjackfest@gmail.com.

Lumberjack Festival Flyer

I’ll see if I can score some free tickets for a couple of you.

Oakes signing off.

The Joker didn't know when to do these things, and look where that got him.

I’ve often been told that I lack certain social skills and am regularly scolded about certain idiosyncrasies I have. “Shaun, why don’t you ever greet people first” or “Shaun, you’re always taking the last piece of cheese” or “Shaun, stop undressing those people with your eyes”.

Something else I often battle with is knowing when to hug, when to shake hands, when to kiss and when to wave. I may be presumptuous, but I’m willing to guess many people suffer the same problem. I’ve often started business meetings on an awkward footing by attempting to kiss or hug prospective clients. It gets even more awkward if they are actually keen on me pulling into them. Friends and family often get annoyed when I give them a royal wave instead of hugging them on their birthdays. Not as annoyed as The Girlfriend gets when I formally shake hands with a vagrant who has just defecated in the park, and now requests a R5 from me.

So I’ve gone and mapped out scenarios appropriate for hugging, shaking hands, kissing, waving etc. Think of it as a Cheat Sheet, helping you ensure you never pull into your wrinkly old uncle at his 70th birthday because you think it’s the appropriate thing to do. (It isn’t)

Right so here goes:

1. When to Hug



This is possibly inappropriate for the office.

It’s appropriate to hug someone when they are a close family member and they have just lost a domestic pet or an expensive electrical appliance. Hugs can also be given out to friends who have been overseas for a period of longer than 6 months. There are different kinds of hugs one can give. There is the Standard Hug, which involves wrapping both your arms around the recipient for a period of 1.5 seconds. (Lingering any longer than that is considered creepy and anti-social)

There is also the Manly Hug carried out by drunk heterosexual males which involves a hand shake followed by an affectionate but firm double tap with your non-shaking hand on the recipient’s back. (ie: You shake with your right hand, pull in and manly hug with your left) NB: You DO NOT double tap them on the small of their back though, it’s more their shoulder blade. The Manly Hug is appropriate if they have given you permission to sleep with their ex or sister. Sometimes it’s even used when you just happen to see them at Tiger Tiger or Deco Dance.

It is not appropriate to Hug: co-workers, drinking buddies, shop assistants, people standing in the queue at the bank, people in wheelchairs, the aged and people with smelly armpits.

2. When to Shake Hands



Let's shake on this.

Shaking hands is the standard, traditional way of greeting people. You usually shake hands at business meetings, or when you have just been introduced to someone. When you shake hands, it’s important to find a balance between a firm, confident grip, and a limp-wristed weak one. Too firm and confident, and you risk hurting the recipient’s hand and have them immediately resent you. Have a grip that’s too weak though, and they will instantly lose respect for you.

Shaking hands is a non-intimate form of greeting, so it’s very seldom that you shake hands with a friend or family member. The only time this is applicable, is when you are making an irrational and immature bet with a friend (you shake on it to seal the deal) or if you’re shaking your Father-In-Law’s hand as he has officially given you permission to sleep with his daughter on a regular basis (this usually takes place at a ceremony known as a “Wedding”)

It is not appropriate to Shake Hands with: your lover, you immediate family, people with no hands, vagrants, someone who has just been to the toilet and not washed their hands, Joseph Kony.

3. When to Kiss



Inappropriate?

Some people are big fans of kissing as a greeting. Me, not so much. Kissing on the cheek seems to be a popular form of greeting these days. It’s usually appropriate amongst friends who have just arrived at a social gathering. SOMETIMES, it’s acceptable to give a kiss on the cheek to a girl you have just met. (Guys never kiss other guys as a greeting, unless they are wanting to sleep with them later that night)

Other than that, it’s never really appropriate to kiss someone other than your lover, unless you are a disciple wanting to sell out your Messiah to the Romans. Historically though, that tends to not turn out very well.

It is not appropriate to Kiss: co-workers, the aged, people with bad skin, people with bad breathe, someone helping you at the clothing store, strippers, any female besides your lover (this applies to tongue kisses), other guys (unless that is your thing), people who suffer from Philemaphobia (a fear of kissing)

4. When to Wave



Completely fine with a wave.

I don’t care what anyone else says, I enjoy a good wave. It’s impersonal yet polite, and hardly ever ends up being awkward, unless the other person is being full of shit. (“Don’t wave at me, come on over here and give your old aunty a kiss on the lips”)

It is not appropriate to Wave: It’s NEVER not appropriate to wave. If you’re not sure what to do, always go with the wave.

And there you go. Agree? Disagree?

Hit me up in the comments below.

Oakes signing off.

The worst thing you can do after ordering pizza. The worst.

What’s the worse thing you can do when you’ve ordered pizza, and you have the place all to yourself? Why, start watching a pornographic movie of course.

Because you quickly lose track of time and before you know it, there is a knock on your door.

“Shit, firstly that was too quick, and secondly, how did he get through the security gate?” you wonder aloud in a blind panic.

“Hi it’s [brand name removed, but it rhymes with "Mr Delivery"],” he says and then, frighteningly and more than a little presumptuously, he knocks and then OPENS the f**king door.

Luckily you’ve got some pants on, but you’re also sporting a healthy tent pole, so the guy walks in and finds you bent over with your knuckles dragging on the ground, like one of those missing-link type creatures in those pics where they show how apes evolved into men.

Kind of like this guy.

Still in that pose, you hand over the money, careful not to make eye contact.

Not that it matters though, because you quickly realise that in your haste to restore your dignity, you’ve gone and left the sound on of the little production you were watching. This of course leads to the delivery guy scoring a R100 tip to forget this ever happened.

OBVIOUSLY, this is all hypothetical of course, but has anyone ever experienced anything remotely similar?

Anyone?

This is normal, right?

Oakes signing off.

Chick Flicks. Flicks. For Chicks.

So today sees us two weeks away from Valentine’s Day, and it’s time you get your bum in gear. Sure, you can go to a romantic restaurant, or enjoy a romantic activity together, but think how packed everywhere will be. No, this year, why not stay in and create a romantic memory at home? Staying at home is cheaper, more comfortable and statistically speaking, you are 95% more likely to have sexual relations with your partner. (48% of the time)

So let’s all stay in this year, and do the whole indoor romantic picnic vibe. There will be snacks, wine, a blanket, some Marvin Gaye in the background, followed by a romantic chick flick that will get her pulse racing. I’ve made it really easy for you, and did some research on the best chick flicks that will guarantee you have a happy Valentine’s Day. (ie: she will have sex with you) So the snacks, wine and Marvin Gaye you can sort out. I’ve sorted out chick flick movies, 10 of them to be exact, which you can choose from below:

• The Note Book



The Notebook. Ryan Gosling. Rachel McAdams. Gold.

Plot: A poor and passionate young man falls in love with a rich young woman and gives her a sense of freedom. They soon are separated by their social differences.

Stars: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, two random old people.

Why This Will Make Her Want You: Every chick I have ever met loves The Notebook. Seriously. Every single one. Try this right now -- find the first female you see and ask her “What’s your favourite romantic movie?“. 9 times out of 10, she will instinctively say “The Notebook“. If there is any hesitation on her part and she doesn’t answer immediately, say “The Notebook?” and watch as she says “Oh yeah, The Notebook, that’s my favourite romantic movie. I really want to have sex now.”

This movie is as pretty much a sure thing as you will ever have. Sure, it can be a bit of a strain for you to watch, but the reward at the end of it will be worth the 123 minutes you will need to sit through.

Trailer:



www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3G3fILPQAU

Buy this movie today. (and get laid)





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/02/10-chick-flick-movies-that-will-get-you-laid-this-valentines-day/feed/ 4 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/02/10-chick-flick-movies-that-will-get-you-laid-this-valentines-day/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/VoRt1Lk1eCE/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/02/i-love-brackenfell/#comments Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:10:06 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=3780 Where “<3" Means "Love".


Shaun - Getting intimate with Brackenfell.

So with the whole Beluga restaurant fallout from last week, there seemed to have been a perception formed that I don’t dig Brackenveld Brackenfell, a Northern suburb situated in the Northern suburbs of Cape Town.

I got a lot of flack from some residents who threw a lot of beer in my face, as they felt offended by me, and thought I didn’t respect their vibe.

This was obviously not my intention though, so, like a US Republican presidential candidate who has been accused by his former ex-wife of having an affair whilst still married to her, I thought I’d quickly take this opportunity to nip that perception in the bud.

I popped in there over the weekend, chatted to some of the locals, and shared some reasons why I dig the vibe of “the Bracks”, which I’ve displayed below.

You can all go through them too. If you agree, feel free to “Tweet” them using a program I discovered the other day called “Twitter”. It’s probably going to take off pretty soon, so best you all get on it. Anyhoo, here with interesting facts about Brackenfell:




---

Cool, that’s that then. Hopefully, this spells the end of my face meeting beer. It’s bad for my complexion.

And the train moves on.

Chooka chooka chooka chooka chooka chooka.

That was my train impression.

Oakes signing off.





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/02/i-love-brackenfell/feed/ 0 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/02/i-love-brackenfell/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/8Scq3r8ncaM/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/a-guide-to-recognising-your-smokers/#comments Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:15:55 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=3292 Get Familiar.


A Guide to Recognising Your Smokers.

So it’s been nearly a month now since I’ve stopped smoking, and this of course now gives me the right to talk about the types of smokers out there, types of smokers that we are all familiar with and see on a daily basis.

Types of smokers that you will read about, and find yourself nodding your head slowly saying, “Yeah… that’s right, Sally IS a bit of a Social Loafer. Jeepers, I hate that chick.”

So sit back, clear your throat, and read this simple guide to recognising your smokers.

1. The 20 Packer



If these people were cigarettes, they would be smoked up in one day.

The 20 Packer is your typical smoker, who will go through, funnily enough, about 20 smokes a day. Sometimes less, sometimes more, but on average over the course of a month, yeah – about 20 a day. The 20 Packers all smoke for various reasons – some of them do it to socialise with other smokers outside, some will hit 20 because they like the taste and it makes them seem cooler, whilst others merely smoke to calm themselves down and avoid completely losing their shit.

There was also a guy I knew who smoked because he hated kids, and he read somewhere that smoking would make him infertile. So yeah, every 20 Packer has their reasons, no matter how nonsensical some of these reasons may seem. The 20 Packer is generally a fiercely proud smoker, and will openly challenge anyone who questions them on it, especially when they are just about to go out for a smoke.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Yes, I’m a smoker. What? … I should quit? … F**k you, I like smoking. Get out of my way.“

2. The Social Smoker



Someone who enjoys doing this. But who also smokes.

The Social Smoker thinks he/she is slightly better than your typical 20 Packer. They are often very quick to distance themselves from other smokers. You may not often see them puffing away during the day, but, like a vampire or an accountant who secretly cross dresses, they tend to come out with a flourish at night. (especially the cross-dressing accountant)

Give the Social Smoker a couple of drinks. Take a step back, and then watch as all bets are off and they smoke away like champions.

Just don’t call them smokers though. Because they are clearly not.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Me? No, I’m not really a smoker. I only smoke when I have a drink.“

3. The Celebration Smoker



Yes! Time for a smoke, I think.

The Celebration Smoker is the elitist relative of the Social Smoker. You won’t see them smoking on the office balcony. You won’t see them smoking at the office party either. The Celebration Smoker is very selective with their smoking habits, and will only whip out the cigarettes on very special occasions.

This doesn’t includes things like birthdays or Christmas, oh no, but rather incredibly rare events that will very seldomly occur again.

Just became a dad? Boom, let’s have a smoke and celebrate.

Got your old boss’ job? Let’s whip out some fags, captain.

Just had your first threesome? Let’s light that shit up.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “I’ve just had sex with [insert celebrity name here]. I think it’s time for a smoke.“

4. The Social Loafer



Social Loafers are the worst.

If the Celebration Smoker is the elitist relative to the Social Smoker, than the Social Loafer is the annoying cousin in the family. You know, the one who you try and avoid at family gatherings because they make you uncomfortable and keep trying to ask you for money. The Social Loafer doesn’t really smoke during the day, but comes alive at night with a few drinks.

Then, they will need a steady supply of nicotine sticks and will regularly hit you up for smokes during the night. On many occasions – due to the amount of alcohol consumed – they will even stop asking and will just help themselves to your hard-earned cigarettes. For this reason, the Social Loafer is generally quite resented by smokers.

Exceptions to this rule would be if the Social Loafer is a dear friend (some leeway is granted here), or they are physically attractive, and allowing them access to your cigarettes thus increases the likelihood of you nakedly rubbing yourself up against them later.

Otherwise, no dice.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “I’m just grabbing one of your smokes. [helps themselves]“

5. The Heavy Loafer



Correction. Heavy Loafers are. The worst.

The Heavy Loafer is basically a 20 Packer who doesn’t buy their own cigarettes. They live off other smokers, and will often end up smoking more in a day than smokers who are buying their own f**king packs.

For this reason, they are considered to be massive, massive arseholes and should be avoided at all costs.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Hey, can I bum a smoke?“

6. The Preacher



I used to smoke. Now I'm BETTER than you.

The Preacher is generally an ex-smoker who now insists on telling all the world how they managed to quit, whilst making pithy statements and passing judgement on the same smokers that the Preacher was happily puffing away with just 3 months earlier.

Smokers generally despise the Preacher, as he/she is a massive dick who doesn’t see the hypocrisy in what they are saying. I mean, if it was such a filthy habit, why were you doing it for 15 years? Exactly. No kindly f**k off, and let me enjoy my Dunhill Light, thank you for every much.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Smoking is a filthy habit, and it’s easy to quit. I can show you. Haven’t you heard of Allen Carr?“

---

And that’s a wrap, people. Well done everyone, that was a great show.

Hey?

What was that?

Know of any others I may have missed out on?

Okay then, hit me up in the Comments section, and let’s “engage”. Because it’s all about the “conversation”.

Oakes signing off.





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/a-guide-to-recognising-your-smokers/feed/ 6 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/a-guide-to-recognising-your-smokers/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/C7T5aN8GeWI/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/shaun-oakes-etiquette-rule-34/#comments Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:15:40 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=2074 As We Slow Things Down A Bit After Yesterday’s Heavy Session.


Weakness - It Looks A Lot Like Justin Bieber.

As many of you will know, I have plenty of little neuroses and quirks. These include never wearing dark underpants on Wednesdays, always looking under my bed three times before sleeping, and never sitting down on any paved surface.

Something else I stick to quite religiously, is never greeting anyone first. Ever. Even if it’s my best friend. Even if it’s my brother and he has somehow become blind. Nope. Not going to happen.

Now, some people may say that this stems from some deep rooted insecurity and irrational fear that the other person won’t reciprocate my greeting, and I will look like a huge wally who has just greeted thin air.

Some may even say that this stems from a couple of cringe-worthy incidents in my younger days when I greeted the attractive blonde with big boobs in English class and she just walked past me, without acknowledging my presence, and she did it in front of EVERYBODY and they all saw and pointed and laughed at me. “Ooooh, burn.” they hissed cruelly as my ego tumbled down the stairs and hit it’s head on the tiled and unforgiving floor below.

To those people, I merely point to my finely sculpted buttocks and say “kiss it”.

This has nothing to do with any of those (alleged) incidents. Greeting first is merely a sign of weakness and subservience. It’s like the other person then has control over you and can choose to crush your spirit in the proceeding few seconds by just staring at you blankly as if to say “who are you, exactly?”.

Huh? Am I right?

Sure, it’s hard sticking to these principles, and sometimes it means acting slightly strange(r). I remember on one occasion seeing a girl I really liked and who I desperately hoped would one day stroke my muscular thighs – pre The Girlfriend obviously. I saw her at the store and I really wanted to greet her but of course I didn’t so just kept walking around in her line of sight until she saw me then acted surprised when she greeted me.

So much like how a shark circles a surfer on Muizenberg beach, if you ever see me out and about, chances are I have probably seen you first, and was merely standing in your line of sight pretending to be oblivious so that you would greet me first.

Don’t try and fight it. Just accept it.

Oakes signing off.





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/shaun-oakes-etiquette-rule-34/feed/ 4 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/shaun-oakes-etiquette-rule-34/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/tVKH9EJLit4/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/oscar-kotze-beluga/#comments Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:20:20 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=3692 Beluga Restaurant Owner Can’t Seem To Take Constructive Criticism.


Shaun Oakes. Banned.

So a few weeks back, The Girlfriend and I decided to celebrate Thursday and head off to Beluga in Greenpoint, to smash our faces with cocktails and sushi (which they are famous for). Now, I’ve written about Beluga before, we’ve been there quite a few times, and we generally have a good time. On this occasion we didn’t though, so get a comfortable chair and read why.

Right, so upon being seated, we were greeted by our waiter, who greeted us warmly and everything seemed great.

Things quickly went downhill from there however. Kind of like a B-grade slasher horror movie where the opening scenes shows everyone happy and getting on and by the end of the film, everyone is dead except the dark-haired chick with the haunted past? Yeah, that’s kind of how things went.

Upon ordering food and drink, we started picking up a “bit of a vibe” from him, as he openly started questioning the round of drinks we ordered. “Oh, you can drink but you can’t eat,” he said at one point, which annoyed me, as I don’t appreciated my drinking habits being put in the spotlight. (we had had one drink at that point) Eventually we asked him what he thought we had ordered to eat, and it turns out, he had taken our order down as a “bean curd” instead of a “green plate”.

Ha ha okay, honest mistake. Let’s laugh it off and move on then. Instead though, he (perhaps in a failed attempt at humour) kept carrying on about the drinks, and at this point asked for the 3rd/4th time whether The Girlfriend was sure she wanted what she ordered (a Cosmo and a prawn hand roll). The Girlfriend, who by this time was getting annoyed, pointed out that to her knowledge, the waiter wasn’t her father (I was pretty sure of this as well), and requested that he stop questioning her. The waiter, who I can only assume was still clinging on to a humour card even as he must have sensed the train wreck this conversation was turning into, then asked if she “wanted a hug”.

Now, this was a pretty ballsy thing for a waiter to say to a patron, attempt at humour or not. The Girlfriend replied with (and pay attention, because this bit will be important further down the line “What the f**k, you’re our waiter, you need to jack up. I want to speak to the manager.”

He seemed taken aback that we weren’t playing along with him, but then regained his composure and replied with a snooty “with pleasure” and disappeared. Feeling uncomfortable, we then asked someone walking passed our table to grab the manager, and explained the whole thing to him. We requested a new waiter, as things had obviously deteriorated between us. The manager, having listened to the story, apologised and said that the waiter was one of the best at Beluga, and that it was likely an attempt at humour that didn’t work well. He then offered to comp our meal. Fine, we were happy with that explanation.

The Girlfriend still felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave – but I have a rule about accepting free food – so we accepted his offer, had our meal, and then left.

Here Is Where It Gets Interesting

The next day The Girlfriend – who knows the owner, Oscar Kotze – sent him an email explaining what went down, and wanting him to be aware of how certain behaviour from staff can be misconstrued and be turned into a bit of a drama. Here with the email below (I’ve blanked out names):

---

The Girlfriend Wrote:
From: The Girlfriend
To: Oscar Kotze
Subject: harassing waiter

Hello Oscar

I hope you, **** and **** are doing well.

I just wanted to bring to your attention an incident that happened to Shaun and I last night whilst dining at Beluga. Upon misunderstanding our order (prawn hand rolls, the Green plate, a cosmo and beer) our waiter started making snarky comments to us about what he had thought we ordered (a bean curd soup and prawn hand roll). He continued to harass us when ordering my second cocktail that “I can drink but I can’t eat”… We picked up the hostility and asked him what exactly he thought we had ordered, after we cleared up the ordering fiasco he enquired “Is that all you’re going to eat?”… When I asked why he feels the need to talk to me like my father and pointed out that he has no right speaking to patrons like that, he offered to give me a hug… flabbergasted I requested to speak to the manager, he arrogantly said he would be happy to get the manager for me. In a see-how-far-that-is-going-to-get-you tone.

****** was called and handled the situation by assuring us our waiter would be changed and our bill would be taken care of. He also mentioned that this guy is in fact a really good waiter and that it could be his humour. A lovely, efficient waitress named ** continued to serve us but by then unfortunately our ideas for a lovely night at Beluga were already diminished.

What I would like to point out, Oscar, is that both Shaun and I are bloggers/writers, having good friends who are the top bloggers in Cape Town. Shaun works at the biggest internet marketing company. My connection and the respect I have for you and the hard work and passion I know you put into the Caviar Group I reassure you I would never make a public stink out of your restaurants. I just would like you to be aware that something like this did happen and hopefully you could put a stop to something like this happening in the future. And if this is indeed the waiter’s sense of humour, maybe it will go down well at some pub in Brackenveld but educated young professionals in Seapoint go out to have a pleasant experience.

Regards,
The Girlfriend

---

Oscar Kotze Wrote:
From:Oscar Kotze
To: The Girlfriend
Subject: Re: harassing waiter

Hi

Ok, so here goes:

The fact that you swore at my waiter **** is completely unacceptable – I have convinced him to lay a criminal case against you, and the company will back him all the way – its the year 2011 and no one has the right to speak to people the way you did – even your mail below is degrading and condescending

>From my side, I am sorry that I was not here, I would have chased you out of my restaurant if I was

As to your personality, lack of manners and general attitude to life I will refrain from commenting – the fact that you even have the audacity to contact me and threaten me after what you did – seriously, wow, what a joke

This will be the last communication that you will receive from me – I have asked ***** to provide me with your ID number so that we can use that for the criminal case

Obviously I never want you to come close to any of my businesses ever again – and if your friends condone the way to deal with people, and you convince them not to come to my restaurants, well then that will also be ok

Thanks

---

The Girlfriend Wrote:
From: The Girlfriend
To: Oscar Kotze
Subject: Re: harassing waiter

Hi Oscar

I have waitressed since I was 14, I think waitressing/service industry is the most difficult industry to be in. I make it a point to always be aware of the stresses they go through and treat them with respect down to eye contact.

I did not swear at your waiter. Shaun and I will both vouch for it and seeing that there was no one else around from Beluga’s side you don’t have a case. Why then was I given an apology and my bill totally paid for, why didn’t ***** “chase” me out. It is unprofessional and you are using brute tactics to scare me.

You are not quite getting what I am trying to say, you are firing guns to a very decent mail pointing out an incident that happened at your establishment and from your response I can see where your waiter gets his rude, abusive conduct from… chased me out, why don’t you just threaten to punch me??? In 2011 you are damn right that people should treat people with respect… that is exactly what I was bringing to your attention, are we just saying that cause not feeling it by your response. I didn’t even want an apology, I wanted to be constructive because you have a good establishment. And no loss to me not being welcome at your restaurant with that service I might as well have lunch at Pallsmoor prison to be treated like that.

Oh and “this will be the last communication that you will receive from me” LOL :)

---

Were We Out Of Line Here, Or Oscar Kotze?

So that’s where we are then. The owner of Beluga and Sevruga, Oscar Kotze has banned us from his establishments, (in fact, he is sorry that he missed us, as he would have thrown us out himself). Now help me out here, I will gladly admit to being a dick and in the the wrong, but I feel like we were quite reasonable in this instance?

Not sure about you, but I want to be entertained at a restaurant I will go to Madame Zingara. I don’t really care for my waiters to joke around and be “buddy buddy” with me. I certainly don’t care for my waiters offering to give my girlfriend a hug. I want my waiters to help guide my culinary choices and bring me my food, that is all.

As for the swearing allegation, we never told the waiter to “f**k off”, we said “what the f**k”, a bit strong using the F-Bomb perhaps, but he needed to toe the line.

As the restaurant owner though, is this the way you deal with patrons who say things you don’t like? Ban them and threaten to chase them away? Maybe I’m being biased, but I thought The Girlfriend’s email was pretty reasonable. Granted, some of the things she said made her sound quite pretentious a bit of a tit, but she was emotional at the time, so I am willing to forgive her. Oscar Kotze’s response was completely over the top though. This doesn’t feel right to me, he has a massively popular little spot in Cape Town, but he seems to have a really shitty way of dealing with people.

So you’ve read all the facts, the question today, is Shaun Oakes a dick patron, or is Oscar Kotze being a massive bully here? (and yes, I am writing in the 3rd person for dramatic effect)

Discuss.

Oakes signing off.

UPDATE FROM THE GIRLFRIEND

So The Girlfriend offended a few people with her comments in her earlier email (which made her sound like a bit of a tit). She responds below:

In the first email I am sorry for the education comment and the shit spelling, I did explain myself really poorly, what I meant was I wasn’t at a place that doesn’t brand themselves as this “you’ve arrived, be beautiful” trendy image in a trendy part of Cape Town where those go to be seen. I could have said a pub in Newlands or Rondebosch but I am highlighting the word pub, not a restaurant which is branding is all about fine dining. The comment about writers/bloggers is that as a waiter you can’t assume what the young couple in front of you do and chance a situation where the waiter is ruining a potential review or pissing off some ego-centric writer. No threats, it was the truth.

The reason why I wrote an email to Oscar is that I don’t want free stuff, I don’t want an apology… Give me those two hours of unwinding and quality time instead of putting up with SA’s standard of shit service. And then to defend it and threaten more leads us to this blog post. Maybe my mails were a bit harsh, but if Oscar had the balls to threaten and to lay a criminal charge against me then surely he could have told me that my comments were unnecessary and I would have realised and apologised…

So again, sorry for the earlier comments.


---

THE FINAL WORD

Right, so I think it’s time to draw a line in the sand now. Thanks for all the comments, criticism, feedback and blatant insults, it’s all been quite exciting.

I think the general consensus is that there were no winners in this one.

We clearly came across as douche bags with our initial email, and Beluga response made them come across as douche bags as well (Douche behaviour all around then)

I’m happy to admit that we could have handled it better, and hopefully Oscar feels the same way.

Apologies if you were offended, and hopefully you won’t throw beer in my face if you see me.

If you were entertained, hopefully you will buy me a beer next time you see me.

If you were bored, well, hopefully you will STILL buy me a beer next time you see me.

Time for lunch?






]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/oscar-kotze-beluga/feed/ 119 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/oscar-kotze-beluga/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/mg32JJnuaLE/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/7-rather-strange-addictions-i-have/#comments Mon, 09 Jan 2012 22:10:28 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=2102 Which Is Still 98% Better Than Having A Coke Habit.

It’s Tuesday, and if you were in Ireland, it would be Saint Flanaghan’s day, the patron saint of Pointless Information Sharing. In that spirit, I thought it only fitting to discuss some of the addictions which have plagued my life for several years, and share them with you in a point by point format. Here with Seven(ish) strange addictions which have afflicted me.

1. Addiction 1: Orbit Chewing Gum


Orbit Chewing Gum - A Firm Favourite Of Shaun

Quite possibly the greatest oral hygiene product ever made, Orbit Chewing Gum has been an intimate part of my life for many years now. I must have literally gone through hundreds of these packs – especially the special “Whitening” one, which makes my teeth literally glow in the dark. This chewing gum is so awesome, I sometimes don’t even bother brushing my teeth. Has anyone ever noticed? Exactly.

2. Addiction 2: Smelling My Ring Finger


Billy Elliot - Sneakily smelling his ring finger whilst pretending to smoke.

This seems vaguely familiar… have I mentioned it before? Oh look, indeed I have. It’s one of the most addictive odours known to man, and is something I regularly partake in. I usually make a fist – put my ring finger up to my nose – and then slowly nod my head up and down, whilst at the same time faintly murmuring to myself, as if deep in thought. The reality however, is that I am not deep in thought. I am just taking a giant whiff of my ring finger. And damn it, it smells good.

3. Addiction 3: Befriending people called “Kurt”


Kurt Darren - Not a friend of Shaun. Sadly.

I don’t often befriend people. (I actually hate other people, and in the past have had no hesitation in punching someone in the throat when I’ve sensed a social invitation forming on their lips.) When I HAVE befriended people however, 95% of the time, their name tends to be “Kurt”. Can’t explain it, but at last count, I know 17 Kurts, 15 of whom are huge wallies. The other two are okay though..

4. Addiction 4: Muesli


Muesli. Best thing ever.

Pretty simple one. To all the naysayers and cynics, Muesli is proof that there is a higher power watching over us, giving us the most noble gift of uncooked rolled oats, fruit and nuts. Perfect for breakfast. Or any other meal, for that matter.

5. Addiction 5: Lying In My Blog Titles


Jim Carrey In Liar Liar. Or Yes Man. Or Ace Ventura. One of those movies.

I said I was going to talk about 7, but in reality there is only 5ish. I enjoy a good lie. And I think I’ve said enough. I’m off to have some muesli now.

Feel free to drop me a line below. I may respond. I may not. You never know with me. I’m just a maverick that way.

Oakes signing off.





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/7-rather-strange-addictions-i-have/feed/ 0 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/7-rather-strange-addictions-i-have/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/FP7lIR_1vfI/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/awkward-phone-text-conversations-ive-had/#comments Sun, 08 Jan 2012 22:20:00 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=3655 Not Your Usual Auto Correct Fails.


Cell Phones: The Tools for Awkward Text Conversations.

It’s Monday the 9th January 2012. Speaking of cellphones, I thought I’d share with you some awkward phone text conversations I’ve had over the last couple of years.

I blame it all on getting a Smart Phone (The HTC Desire) as it’s made mobile texting so simple. I also blame the fact that on many occasions when I’m mobile texting, I’m stupendously hammered and oblivious to common sense. Here with a few recent clangers I’ve been involved in.

1. The Bad Karma Text Message



Hmmm... Awkward.

Bad mouthing someone to a friend is bad karma. Bad mouthing someone over text messaging is badder (badder?) karma. Bad mouthing someone over text messaging, and then accidentally texting the person you were bad mouthing, is karma bending you over, and having her way with you. (she is wearing a stylish and elegant looking strap-on). The hairs on the back of my neck literally stood on end when I realised what I did, and I pulled my sex face, which was weird because I wasn’t naked, and it lasted longer than the usual 2 minutes. It was just very, very awkward, especially when I went back in to get another beer.

The Lesson To Be Learnt – Make sure you are not texting the person you are slagging off, when you are slagging off a person.

---

2. The Lady Luck Hates You Text



Oooooh, shit just got real.

This has nothing to do with karma. This is just pure bad luck. Ripping off a friend and calling him a F**knut is perfectly acceptable. Granted, suggesting that he is pleasuring himself whilst thinking of his mother is perhaps pushing the envelope a bit, but the friendship is strong enough to break through new frontiers of bad taste. The fact that his mom just happened to have his phone at the time though? Well, what can you say? To this day, it’s not something ever discussed, and I’ve taken the liberty of blanking out the names for obvious reasons.

The Lesson To Be Learnt – Don’t ever send funny but incestouous texts to someone, in case their mom sees it.

---

3. The Shitty Invitation Text



You are not getting a Christmas card now,

Now I’m not saying I hate dinner parties, but if dinner parties somehow morphed into a cute, spectacle-wearing little 8 year old boy, I would have no hesitation in punching the kid in the f**king throat. Nevertheless, I do have the occasion soiree to appease The Girlfriend. Sometimes though, the sending of invitations can go awry, as was the case above. Yes, it was badly organised on my part, and yes, they had a 40 minute journey to get to us, but we’ve never been invited to any of THEIR parties since though, which is more than a little childish.

The Lesson To Be Learnt – Make sure you are inviting the right people, when you send out an invitation text message.

So there you go, pretty awkward vibes coming out of this post, but I’m glad I shared it with you. Also, it’s much better than all those Auto Correct posts floating around. Like a drug-filled orgy, if you have anything to share, please feel free to send my way. (through the comment section below)

Oakes signing off.





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/awkward-phone-text-conversations-ive-had/feed/ 9 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/awkward-phone-text-conversations-ive-had/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/O-b-VL8psZY/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/one-night-at-a-bar-in-cape-town/#comments Thu, 05 Jan 2012 10:51:03 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=3645 Remember This For Next Time.


Just a random bar.

Old High School Friend: Hey Shaun Oakes.
Shaun Oakes: Hey You.
[Platonic kisses on the cheek]
Old High School Friend: How long has it been?
Shaun Oakes: Geez, like forever.
Old High School Friend: I know! Crazy, hey?
Shaun Oakes: You’re telling me. So wow, congrats. When did this all happen?
Old High School Friend: When did what all happen?
Shaun Oakes: All of this. [motions at her in a circular motion with his index finger]
Old High School Friend: All of what?
Shaun Oakes: The little bun in the oven.
[Shaun gently but authoritatively prods her stomach, realising too late that his hand is prodding a fat tummy, not a pregnant tummy]
Old High School Friend: …
Shaun Oakes: …
[Awkward silence]
Shaun Oakes: I’m sorry, I thought you were preg-
Old High School Friend: F*ck, you’re an arsehole.
Shaun Oakes: And the worse thing is I actually SAW the beer in your hand as well. I thought you were just being irresponsible.
Old High School Friend: Jesus Christ…
[Old High School Friend leaves. Shaun tries to remove foot from mouth.]

Oakes signing off.





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/one-night-at-a-bar-in-cape-town/feed/ 4 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/one-night-at-a-bar-in-cape-town/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/dedAeVpXPkI/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/5-shitty-albums-hiding-in-my-lounge-right-now/#comments Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:16:23 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=3623 What Was I Thinking?


Shitty Albums Owned By Shaun

It’s Wednesday evening and I am sorting through my vast collection of illegally downloaded MP3 songs I’ve accumulated over the years. (If you’re reading this and are part of some sort of law enforcement agency, I am obviously joking. I definitely purchased all the MP3 songs legally. Through iTunes.)

Anyhoo, the reason I have so many MP3 songs is because I have a rather suspect and promiscuous taste in music. From Nine Inch Nails, to New Kids on the Block – I have had it all.

This has also seen me now owning some really shitty albums, albums which are currently residing at the bottom of my music cabinet, albums which I will now share with you, in no particular order.

1. Inner Circle – Bad to the Bone


Inner Circle - A Bit Rapey.

I have had this album since I was 10 years old. I’m not quite sure why I had an album by “The Bad Boys of Reggae” as a 10 year old, but hey, I was clearly a pretty adventurous tween. Inner Circle look like a pretty scary bunch of chaps, and not people I’d want to tangle with in a shank fight in Pollsmoor Prison (I’d want them on my side, shanking the other guys)

The album is fairly ordinary, with the famous track being the “Sweat Sweat Song”, which I used to belt out every day for many years. Until it was pointed out to me how “rapey” the song actually was.

“Girl, I want to make you sweat, sweat till you can’t sweat no more… and if you cry out, I’m going to push it… push it, push it some more.” That’s the actual lyrics. So yeah… I don’t really belt that song out much anymore…

2. Kriss Kross – Totally Krossed Out


Kriss Kross - Got Shaun Beaten Up.

This is an interesting one, because I’m actually not THAT shy about owning this album. Well, I was for a little bit, but now not so much, because they have become ironically cool again, like David Hasselhoff or that old guy from Rescue 911.

Kriss Kross were pretty f**king exceptional back in the early 90’s, and they had two massive hits which people still jam to today at weddings and parties in an ironic manner. (“Warm it Up, Kriss” and “Jump”) They were also pretty ground breaking in their fashion sense – they wore their pants and shirts back to front. I mean, come on, that’s pretty unheard of.

Although it worked for them, it didn’t really work for me, as I remember getting the shit methodically kicked out of me on the playground. Because I was wearing my pants and shirt back to front, and it looked weird.

3. Melanie B – Hot


Melanie B - Kept In A Sock Drawer.

I honestly have no idea why I have this album. No f**king clue. In fact, I’m fairly sceptical that this is even mine. The Girlfriend denies owning this, but I cannot think of any reason why I would have paid for this CD. I had a quick play through the album, and the genre of pop and very-soft-rock can best be described as “shit” with a side-order of “more shit”.

I seriously hope I never actually spent any money on this, as it would make me quite bitter and I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight.

Having said that though, the artwork on the CD is pretty easy on the eye, and I may just slip out the album cover and keep it in my sock drawer for a quieter moment.

4. Ricky Martin – Self Titled


Ricky Martin - It is not gay to own this album.

I know what you’re thinking, but it was perfectly acceptable to own this CD back in 1999. Ricky Martin was “Livin’ la Vida Loca” with the most beautiful women in the world (didn’t he bang Christina Aguilera?), and every straight man had a copy of this album.

So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It’s a solid album, and to be perfectly honest, I’m slightly loathe to label this under “shitty.”

Because it really isn’t.

5. Britney Spears – …Baby, One More Time


Britney Spears - Shaun So Would.

Listening to this album again gave me some goose-bumps, and yes, admittedly a bit of a semi as well. I’m not sure if it’s weird that a man now in his 20’s should get aroused by an album made by a then 16 year old, but today she is older than me so I think it’s okay. Right?

To be fair, the album itself is pretty shitty, and only really had one decent song to it (the title track where she is in her naughty school girl outfit) but it was strong enough to make me part with my R99 back in 1999 ( I think)

---

I actually have loads more shitty albums where that came from, but this was starting to get a little “wordy” so I think I will stop at five. If you have any shitty albums you own, hit me up in the comments section below, and maybe we can become pen pals. No, not really. But hit me up anyway, as it’s good for blog posts to have comments.

Oakes signing off.





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/5-shitty-albums-hiding-in-my-lounge-right-now/feed/ 7 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/5-shitty-albums-hiding-in-my-lounge-right-now/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/J1Qp-Y7RpOw/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/shaun-oakes-shares-his-2012-resolutions/#comments Tue, 03 Jan 2012 20:41:20 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=3616 And The World Gasps In Awe.


I Googled 2012, and this photo of me winning a Bookmark showed up. Random.

I’m sitting in the lounge in my underpants right now, studiously stroking my inner thighs. I do this whenever I am deep in thought, and right now, I am contemplating what the next 12 months will hold for me.

Feeling in good spirits – as tends to happen when you stroke your inner thighs – I have decided to share with all of you, my plans for 2012. In fact, let’s not call them plans but rather “resolutions”. So here goes:

1. Stop smoking (sorry mom) – Last year I started smoking again, as I thought it would make me seem cool and edgy. Smoking did in fact make me seem cool and edgy, but it also made me look older. ( nightclub doorman stopped asking me for my ID, which is frankly unacceptable) Apparently smoking is bad for you when you are pregnant and has also been known to give you weak erections, so I’ve decided to give the whole nicotine thing a miss, as I would like to fall pregnant one day, and weak erections have never agreed with me.
2. Stop solving crime at night – Last year I got myself a cape and a rubber mask, and started solving crimes during the evenings, usually on Thursdays, as The Girlfriend goes to Salsa classes on Thursdays. Solving crime was productive, but the hours are long, and it made me really tired during the day, so I’ve decided to pack it in this year, and leave it to someone else. Email me if you want a cape. I’m keeping the rubber mask though. For sentimental reasons of course. Not because of some weird fetish The Girlfriend might have. Obviously.
3. Blog more – I keep saying I’m going to blog more, and then I usually break off into a sprint for a couple of weeks, before quickly running out of steam, like a 16 year old boy feeling his first pair of decent boobs. This year I’m going to take another crack at it. Blogging. Not feeling up boobs. I can do that whenever I feel like it. Anyhoo, let’s see how far I get this time. With the blogging. Not the boobs. Stay with me here.

So that’s three pretty solid resolutions to keep. Let’s chat tomorrow, and see if I have anything interesting to say.

Oakes signing off.





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/shaun-oakes-shares-his-2012-resolutions/feed/ 3 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2012/01/shaun-oakes-shares-his-2012-resolutions/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/Nm1J7IvdULg/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2011/11/follow-me-on-twitter/#comments Mon, 07 Nov 2011 22:26:38 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=3605 It Will Make You Better In Bed. Not Really.


Stacie Orrico. One of Shaun's Followers on Twitter.

It’s Monday evening, and I’m feeling particularly lazy right now. Rather than spending time writing something breathtakingly original, I thought I would plug myself and talk about Twitter instead. It’s my dream to have 100,000 Twitter followers by next Friday.

Currently I have about 12. Ish.

I am really funny and witty though, so it’s probably in your best interests to “follow” me. If you’re still unsure, allow me to share some additional reasons why.

Here with some recent Tweets, to give you an idea of how entertaining I can be.

1. People who use the phrase “Love you lots like Jelly Tots” will get the shit kicked out of them today.
2. Greeting someone first is a sure fire sign of weakness. Always greet last. Always.
3. Everytime you unsubscribe from my blog, a little ginger kid get’s left outside in the rain.
4. Not to be funny, but scooters are not meant to be driven by fat people. #ThereISaidIt
5. Some people just need a High Five. In the face. With a chair.
6. Just smashed through a huge packet of Ghost Pops. My thighs are going to thank me for that one.
7. #DontYouJustHateItWhen … you are wearing shorts and airy boxers, and you don’t shake off properly after peeing.
8. So I’ve decided to stop smoking today. Apparently it’s bad for you when you’re breastfeeding.

And that’s just a small portion from the last few days. Can you imagine how glorious it would be to Follow Shaun Oakes on Twitter? You can’t, because it’s so staggeringly brilliant, your brain would literally explode at the mere thought of it. I don’t want your brain to explode (it’s not really in my best interests) so just click here to follow me now.



Follow Shaun Oakes on Twitter. You will love yourself in the morning.

That is all.

Boom. Shaun just turned this into a blog post.

Oakes signing off.





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2011/11/follow-me-on-twitter/feed/ 1 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2011/11/follow-me-on-twitter/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/U8KP2koz2sw/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2011/11/im-sorry-i-got-out-of-hand-this-weekend/#comments Sun, 06 Nov 2011 22:40:22 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=1171 As Shaun Makes An Acknowledgement


Nothing to do with this blog post, but I dig Ryan Gosling's vibe.

So Saturday arrived at my doorstep like an unwanted bastard child – well, not unwanted, we just weren’t expecting it so quickly – it just came knocking on our door whilst we were sprawled on the lounge floor, wondering where the day was going, and why there was a dead wildebeest in the kitchen.

Why was there a dead wildbeest in the kitchen? F**k knows. But there it was, lying there looking all dead and shit, and stinking up the kitchen.

Maybe this was why we were a little out of sync this weekend. Anyhoo, no excuses, so here goes:

1. The Guy Who Asked Us For Money Outside – Turns out I DID have change in my pocket. Sorry for lying to you. Hopefully you managed to find taxi fare to make it home to Stellenbosch. Although I am still skeptical about your story, hence me lying about not having change in my pocket. But as I said, I still feel apologetic about the whole thing, so this is me saying sorry to you.
2. The Guy On The Dance Floor – Sorry for calling your mother a whore, I don’t know her, so can’t really back up that statement. In mitigation for my statement, you DID bump into me whilst I was dancing to Bruce Spingsteen’s “Dancing in the Dark”, stopping me in mid flow, which is pretty criminal, as I was in the middle of a very complex spin and twirl. As I said though, bygones, and kudos to you for actually hearing my insulting slur despite the loud and heavy music. Thanks for not punching me in the face as well.
3. The Girl With The Leopard Print Tights – Sorry for pretending not to know you, it’s just… well… you kind of let yourself go since I last saw you. (to be fair). I admit it was slightly dickish on my part to look bemused when you came up to me, but I promise, next time I will admit to knowing you when I bump into you again. Again, sorry about that.
4. The Patrons At Barcello’s on Sunday Morning – All I wanted was some Very Peri sauce, and they couldn’t give it to me. It made me very emotional. Sorry for the inconvenience I may have caused.

Okay, apologies all out of the way. Let’s do the whole best-friends-who-just-slept-together vibe, and pretend that everything is normal again. Chat to you all tomorrow? Same time?

Cool, see you then.

Oakes signing off.





]]> http://www.shaunoakes.com/2011/11/im-sorry-i-got-out-of-hand-this-weekend/feed/ 0 http://www.shaunoakes.com/2011/11/im-sorry-i-got-out-of-hand-this-weekend/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ShaunOakes-CapeTownsFavouriteSon/~3/ZD2WqtoGpK8/ http://www.shaunoakes.com/2011/10/you-love-me-lots-like-jelly-tots/#comments Sun, 30 Oct 2011 22:23:09 +0000 Shaun Oakes http://www.shaunoakes.com/?p=3586 Here, Have A Punch In The Stomach.


Right. You and me. Outside. Now.

Whenever I hear the phrase “Love you lots like Jelly Tots”, I get really angry and begin harboring violent thoughts toward whoever just said it.

I guess it’s a bit like what the Incredible Hulk goes through when he becomes… well… the Incredible Hulk. I can just about stomach it if a 12 year old girl says it to her friend (I’ll let it slide because she is a 12 year old girl, and doesn’t know any better. Also, society would frown upon me if I then proceeded to punch a 12 year old girl in the stomach) but when an adult says it?

No, sorry, that shit isn’t going to happen on my watch.

I was at a social dinner the other night, where a birthday card was quickly and silently passed around, allowing us to scribble down last minute birthday wishes. I received the card, and was about to write down my usual “I think you’re okay. Shaun Oakes.“, when I noticed something in the left hand corner of the card. “What the f**k is this, then?” I enquired politely to the twenty nine year old man sitting next to me. He had already annoyed me earlier with his constant questioning during our starters, and I hate constant questioning during starters. Or after starters for that matter.

“My handwriting is a bit tardy sometimes,” he began, “It says, ‘love you lots like jelly-oorgh!’”. He didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence, as my right fist firmly and authoritively connected with his solar plexus, releasing all the air out of his body like a balloon that’s been unknotted and released, making a farting sound as it sails across the room.

“What’s going on?” demanded the hostess, who seemed concerned at the act of aggression being shown at her dinner party. “Have a look at this,” I said gravely, and handed her the card.

“Jesus Christ, Mark,” she hissed in a disappointed tone at Mr 21 Questions, “what are we, 12 years old? Did you think you were being cute? I’m 31, you can’t write shit like that on my card. It’s just embarrassing.”

So there you go then. Let’s all remember that we are adults now, and we don’t write or say shit that a 12 year old would think twice about. No “BFFs”, no “LOLs”, and none of this “Jelly Tot” bullshit.

Right, on that note I have some work to get to now. Let’s chat about something more cheerful tomorrow.

Oakes signing off.





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