Was looking for tasteful pornography earlier, and instead stumbled across the news that actor David Carradine, star of Kill Bill Vol 1 and Vol 2, has died.

David Carradine, with Jesus now.

After the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Monkeybone, and Gandhi, Kill Bill (Vol 1) is probably one of my favourite movies of all time, so I was more than a little bummed to hear about this. Apparently it was suicide as well. Hectic.

Nice of them to point out that he was found naked. I’m sure it’s something we were all wondering about.

Anyhoo, rest in peace David Carradine, you had a good innings (he was 72).

Spotted at the Engen Steers this week.

Monday...Tuesday...Wednenday

Short. But sweet. Just the way we like it.

[thanks bazza]

Andy Samberg and Will Ferrel singing about how cool guys don’t look at explosions, they just walk away in slow motion.

It’s much harder than it looks though. I tried walking away from an exploding car a few years ago, and ended up with my back on fire. I was buzzing at the time though, so didn’t really feel it, until I arrived at this club in town, hit the dancefloor, and then everyone was like, “Shaun, man, you’re on fire.” I was like, “Yeah, I know, it’s a new dance move I have perfected. I call it the Funky Chipmunk.” And then they were like, “No dude, you are literally on fire!”

True story.

Oakes signing off.

Seeing as how I love to eat (I try and do it at least twice a day), I thought it would be fitting to share with you some current specials taking place at a variety of restaurants in Cape Town.

Check it out.

Then, there are also restaurant specials to be had in the Winelands:

Not to mention event specials in Cape Town:

Last but not least, here with some regular ongoing specials:

How helpful is that? I don’t think I’ve eaten at many of these places. Maybe someone should invite me to do a restaurant review?

I’m just saying…

Oakes signing off.

[thanks shaheen]

When you come out a bathroom and are walking toward people, do you worry for a split second that you haven’t zipped up and that your winky is chilling outside?

A thought which often occurs.

Hey? Is it just me?

Imagine that happened, it would be pretty bad. Well, not as bad as when you wear boxer shorts, and you don’t shake off properly, and then the latecomers end up running down your leg, and you’re wearing thin camel chinos, so everyone in the office can see what’s just happened.

Yeah, that wouldn’t be very pleasant.

Oakes signing off.

Spock and James T Kirk: Wat kyk jy? (What you looking at?)

So, after watching Wolverine recently and feeling a little, well, meh, we decided to go and see the new Star Trek movie, which we had mentioned a while back when we were all still friends. They had been pushing Star Trek pretty hard these last few months and, although certainly not a die hard Trekkie fan, I was eagerly looking forward to seeing it, they way a young man might look forward to having sex with an attractive older woman, who has a husband who is always up in Johannesburg on business, and who longs for young, firm flesh.

And so, with all my chores out the way, The Girlfriend agreed to give me an advance in my allowance money, and off we went to go and see the flick.

As mentioned, I’m not overtly familiar with all the previous movies, the numerous spin-off series’ and the various comic books which make up the Star Trek universe. I was just hoping to be entertained with a solid story, get taken in by some action and special effects, and catch a glimpse of the chick who plays Uhura’s boobies.

… I just reread that last bit. Just to clarify, there wasn’t a chick playing the ROLE of Uhura’s breasts. What I meant was, I wanted to catch a glimpse of the boobies of the actress PLAYING Uhura. (I had a crush on her ever since her role in “Guess Who“, alongside Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac, who is dead now.)

So, what did I think of Star Trek?

• Gripping story - Check. It wasn’t your usual special effect-laden movie with a paper thin plot. The story was engaging, and kept our attention throughout. It was also fairly well paced, with no lulls where you find yourself wondering whether The Girlfriend will put out later that evening if you take her for dinner.
• Action and special effects - Check. It’s 2009, so the special effects in comparison to previous Star Trek movies is cranked way up. The ship looks awesome, the space battle looked authentic, and the action scenes left me sitting there with just a hint of a semi, which is all you’re asking for from an action scene at the end of the day.
• Glimpse of breasts - Sadly, this was not forthcoming, although there was a decent enough scene with this green alien which briefly left me pondering whether I would sleep with a green chick. (I’m in the “maybe after a few beers” camp)

All in all, we were pretty blown away by the film. It’s not just aimed at your die-hard Star Trek fan, but for the mainstream audience who don’t know shit about the whole backstory. (It basically starts from right at the beginning, before James T Kirt becomes the captain of the Starship Enterprise, where he is just a bit of a dick trying to get by).

Seriously, I’m not going to go over the plot details or any shit like that. If you’re looking for a good time, and you don’t mind watching space ships and lasers go off, then go and see Star Trek, you will be pleasantly surprised

If that doesn’t sway you, be sure to check out the latest trailer for the movie. (I couldn’t embed it here, because YouTube were being dicks about it)

Star Trek scores a Steve-O rating of 4.

Oakes signing off.

It’s Saturday and we have just enough time for a quick video clip. Have a look at what happens when a greasy looking naked guy who seems overly excited about what is happening on his computer screen, ignores his dog, who I believe is a Danish breed of Boxer.

Hey? Hey? How awesome was that? It’s a bit like the time I ignored The Girlfriend and she drove my car through a brick wall.

Well, I guess it’s not really the same thing. But I’m still a little bitter about the whole episode.

Sorry about the screaming at the end though, I don’t know what that was about.

Oakes signing off.

Apparently the food is great, but there is no atmosphere.

Boom. Boom.

Oakes signing off.

[thanks kat]

Ah, awkward family photos. We all have them, I’m sure. Remind me to show you some Christmas photos featuring myself and Steve O in matching mustard cardigans knitted by my mom.

They were cardigans. They were mustard. And they were matching.

This was also round about the time I used to get the shit kicked out of me by a local gang of primary school kids, who would regularly empty my wallet, and make me give off my pants, even on the coldest Winter’s day. Sure, I was 16 at the time, and should have felt utterly humiliated by this, but there were 8 of them, and one of them used to carry around a serrated steak knife that he stole from the local Spur.

Where am I going with this… mustard cardigan… bullied by younger kids… oh yes, awkward family photographs. Have a look at some of these corkers and feel a little bit better about the shit pics you were a part of at your last family reunion.

Mike and Suzie, chilling with Artemus, the family pig.

Grope your sisters inappropriately. Sure, it's a great pose.

The Pile On - Another completely comfortable looking pose.

The Choker - Seems Mom pissed off her kids that Christmas.

See more dodgy pics right over here.

Oakes signing off.

As it’s the month of May, I thought it only fitting to start posting random pics of celebrities in swimwear. Today we will look at Kim Kardashian, kindly sporting a purple bikini.

Kim Kardashian - Prancing in the sand.

Very cool. I like what she’s done with her hair.

Oakes signing off.

It’s Wednesday, and to celebrate it, let’s enjoy the following letter from Satan (owner of Hell) written to Brendan Fraser (Hollywood actor).

From The Desk Of Satan.

Valid points raised there by Lucifer. See more over here.

Oakes signing off.

The basic definition of a “Dump and Dash”:

• Coming to The HQ (my humble abode) on the premise of a visit.
• Using the bathroom facilities to make a stool deposit instead.
• F**king off out of there, leaving me to fumigate.

Completely inappropriate, my friend. Not to mention inhumane and slightly cruel.

The scheming nature of a Dump and Dasher.

If this were like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, where instead of needs, we would have importance in the food chain, you would be right at the bottom, just above that stuff you cough up when you’ve smoked too much on the Oka Pipe at Cubana in Greenpoint.

Don’t pull a stunt like that again, or I will knife you with a blunt spoon.

You know I’m good for it.

You know.

Oakes signing off.

It was a Tuesday morning, and I was lying on top of The Girlfriend in the communal bed, passionately arguing my case for consensual sex before work that day. I suspected she wasn’t too keen on the idea though, as she continued to lay motionless, pretending to be dead, even as I begun singing Ricky Martin’s Livin’ La vida Loca in my sultry manner, something which usually gets her incredibly excited.

Livin La Vida Loca - Usually gets The Girlfriend excited.

I was busy belting out the chorus (”Upside inside out, she is living la vida locaaaaa“) when my phone rang, which surprised me as it had not rung for several weeks, and I had come to assume it was simply broken. My heart breaking as I realised how unpopular I had become, I answered the phone in a timid voice, trying not to sound like I was about to cry over my morning cornflakes.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you” shrieked the hysterical voice on the other line, and I realised that yes, it was in fact, my birthday. Hard to believe, but it was about 24 years now since I casually strolled out my mother’s womb and enquired as to what time Dallas would be on the telly that evening, as I had become hooked on JR and his wily antics during the second trimester.

JR and Dallas: When is it coming on then?

“Thank you mother,” I answered bravely to my mother singing on the other line, not noticing The Girlfriend creep up behind me, like a nimble-footed panther, about to to leap at a lonely deer who decided to chill at the local drinking hole.

“Happy happy! Here is your gift!”she screamed in my ear excitedly, handing me a delicately wrapped box. I opened it and, as I had secretly hoped, it was a shiny new set of teeth, which I eagerly tried on and used to nibble on her toes.

But yes, as often happens when I see fishnet stockings, a birthday has unfortunately come rather quickly this year, despite my best efforts to prolong things. I’ve never been a big fan of birthdays, as I see it as just another step closer to ending up in a damp room, wearing a nappy with day-old shit clinging to your thigh, with false teeth and body odour that resembles old coin.

To make matters worse I found about 15 strands of grey hair the other day, which wouldn’t have been too bad had they been situated on the side of my head, as I may then have resembled a young Richard Gere in “Internal Affairs“. The fact that these hairs were not situated on my head however, left me feeling rather distressed and irritable.

So yeah, not feeling this vibe right now.

Oakes signing off.

It’s Monday morning, and rather than pretending to work hard whilst actually spying on your ex-lovers through Facebook, take a look at this site.

It’s called “Pick a Perp”, and it could quite easily be the most addictive website you will ever see. Basically, you’re given a line-up of people, and you then have to choose who the real criminal is. See below:

Who Was Charged With Aggravated Assault? Mmm, Tricky.

Go to http://picktheperp.com to join in the fun. I had a winning streak of 7 earlier today, something I doubt you would be able to match, seeing as how I’m significantly smarter than all of you.

Toodles, we will chat again a little later.

Oakes signing off.

Wolverine - Enjoying A Lovely Hot Bath.

I had been looking forward to watching Wolverine for months now and, after satisfying The Girlfriend for the fourth time on Sunday, she eventually decided that we could go and watch it. 110 minutes later, (give or take 10 minutes on the road, with an additional 5 minutes of heavy petting in the car park) I walked out the cinema feeling a little underwhelmed.

Before I get into that though, let’s take a look at the trailer:

Wolverine is a decent enough film, with lots of special effects, explosions, and passable action scenes. A few things really annoyed me however, things which I will know share with you in bullet point fashion:

• Cliched scenes - The slow motion, expressionless walk away from an explosion is SO 1995. Seriously, couldn’t you think of something smarter than that? Also, looking up to the sky and screaming when someone dies is a bit of a copout when you need to do an emotional scene. Even worse, this happened twice in the movie. Twice.
• Too much Wolverine - The movie is 110 minutes long, and Wolverine is in about 105 of them. There were no discernible sub plots, we basically spent the entire movie watching Wolverine extract his revenge.
• That Bathroom Scene - By and large the special effects were okay, but there is ONE scene where Wolverine is in someone’s bathroom. Have a look at it, and tell me that the special effects didn’t look a little kak. Let’s just say that someone was being very naughty during editing, and didn’t notice that Logan’s claws looked like cartoon animation.

If this movie was a chick, it would undoubtedly be Nicky Hilton. Sure, she is reasonably hot, and you will probably enjoy 110 minutes in her company, but would you really take her over Paris?

Exactly.

Nicky Hilton - The chick equivalent of Wolverine.

All in all it’s a mild to average film, which could have been a whole lot better. The plot is one dimensional, some of the acting is a little mediocre at best, and there are a bunch of characters needlessly thrown into the mix, who don’t offer anything of substance, besides giving comic geeks some hefty erections. (ie: the inclusion of Gambit and Deadpool in the movie)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine, scores a Steve-O rating of 3.

Our boy Nic, trying to add a few inches.

Nice. I like that. A lot. Like candy floss. Or freshly clipped toes.

Oakes signing off.

It’s a cold, Wintry Monday evening, and instead of finding myself nestled warmly between The Girlfriend’s firm thighs, I am instead lying in the guest bedroom, drinking Med Lemon and trying to remember where in the room my extensive collection of German pornography can be found.

Med Lemon can quite easily be the vilest drink known to man, and it seems to be pretty useless. Apparently, it’s supposed to help you “sweat” out the cold, but thus far all it’s done is given me indigestion, and severely burned my tongue. “Don’t wait for it cool down. Down it.” urged The Girlfriend, as she forced the only-recently-boiled water down my throat.

Thankfully, the swelling in my mouth has since subsided, and my vision has returned after blacking out for a while, but I’m still feeling a little run down right now.

This could be connected to the whole “Swine Flu” vibe everyone has been talking about lately. I take it everyone has heard about Swine Flu by now, right? The nerdy-but-surprisingly-hot newsreader chick on E-TV this evening claimed that 1000 people have already been infected. Was that in the Western Cape? Or the world? I was knocking back a stiff Jameson at the time so I can’t really be too sure.

Let’s just go with the hysterical route and say it’s a thousand infections in the Western Cape.

In any event, after this ridiculously long intro, I can now share with you some humorous “Swine Flu” pics and cartoons that have recently been circulating around the “internet”.

Middle East humour.

Digging the Winnie the Poo vibe.

How Swine Flu is spread. Allegedly.

Let’s chat again later, once I blew all this shit out my nose.

Oakes signing off.

So, I finally managed to bribe my way out of the Peru prison which had been accommodating me this past month. Airport officials had earlier intercepted me at customs, due to the suspicious package I had in my possession. Apparently, the copy of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, which I always keep down my pants, was a Zone 2 DVD, and with Peru being a Zone 1 region, they predictably flipped out.

Anyhoo, no use crying over soiled milk, I’m back like the Backstreet Boys, so just a quick shout out that normalcy will resume this week.

I’ll chat to you guys a bit later?

Cool, see you then.

Fact.

No intro necessary here. Just push play, and watch. You will thank me in the morning.

Hey? Hey?

How amazing was that? God, I love midgets. It’s no wonder I’m the manager of an up-and-coming midget boy band. (More on them another time).

This was apparently taken at a night club in Medellin, Columbia, called “Mangos”. You can check out more of these videos and pics over here.

Oakes signing off.

[thanks carlos]

Sorry everyone, I was just talking about the 2009 South African Blog Awards, and I realised that I never put up any pics from the event.

So, without further ado, here are some pics from the SA Blog Awards held at Chevelle (courtesy of Brandon Golding):

Someone respectfully observing National Cleavage Day.

Your typical bunch of South African bloggers. No doubt talking about social media, web 2.0, and other geekery.

Another blogger. Taking a break from playing on Twitter to have a drink at the bar.

Some of the winners announced surprised many in attendance.

More geeks. Talking about geek stuff.

There are literally hundreds more, check them out at Brandon Golding’s Facebook page here.

Oakes signing off.