Cape Town's Favourite Son | Shaun Oakes

6 Types of Twitter Users You Seriously Need To Avoid

Shaun Oakes — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 22:14:44 +0000

Just Run Away When You See Them.

Avoid them if you can.

For the longest time, I could never get my head around Twitter. Don’t get me wrong, I can see the value from a breaking news point of view, but I didn’t see the reason why EYE (emphasising the word “I”) should be regularly Tweeting.

Lately however, I’m slowly starting find a purpose for being on Twitter (I usually Tweet weird crumbs of thoughts that I’m too lazy to expand into actual blog posts – you should probably follow me here.)

As I’ve spent more and more time on it however, I’ve quickly come to realise that – much like the infamous rose lady who collects donations for Tygerberg Children’s Hospital – there are certain people in this space who should be avoided at all costs. Allow me to elaborate:

The Lurking Retweeter

The Lurking Retweeter is someone who literally spends all day on Twitter, lurking and retweeting. (retweeting means repeating something someone else has posted) Sure, on the face of it, it might not sound that bad, but just imagine someone in the real world who never says a word except to repeat everything you ever say. Pretty annoying, right? Right. They are kind of like the dandruff of the Twitter world – harmless on the face of it, but not something you are particularly happy about. It goes without saying then, that the Lurking Retweeter is someone you wouldn’t want anywhere near you.

Most Likely To Tweet: Rt: Everything you’ve ever tweeted.
The Cryptic Attention Seeker

The Cryptic Attention Seeker is someone Facebook users should also be very well acquainted with. You all know the type. They never post anything longer than six words. In fact, the majority of their posts are a bunch of vague, depressing drivel, designed to make you want to go “Hey, what’s wrong?” or “Awww, it’s going to be alright hun. Thinking of you.” Twitter is not meant to be a therapy session though, and I never care enough to ask what’s wrong. And quite frankly, neither should you.

Most Likely To Tweet: Sigh… So tired of it all…
The Senseless Noise Maker

I remember going to watch a football match at one of those trendy sports bars in Cape Town a few years back. The match was taking place in London, 13,000 kilometres away. That didn’t stop some of the supporters at the sports bar (situated 13,000 kilometres away) to get up and give a standing ovation when the captain was running on the field. Because of course, the captain would no doubt appreciate the gesture and feel the energy, being all of 13,000 kilometres away. That pretty much sums up the Senseless Noise Maker, who will post the most inane tweets about a sporting event – not an observation, or an update on what is going on – but rather, the equivalent of a ridiculous cheer or hooray. Here’s a newsflash Mr Senseless Noise Maker – the team you are cheering on cannot hear you, they are busy playing the game, they don’t have time to check their Twitter accounts. You are not being supportive. You are being stupid. It’s kind of like the time I thought Britney Spears would reply to me after I mailed her a photo of my muscular thighs. The only difference is, I was 12 then. You guys should know better.

Most Likely To Tweet: Go Bafana!
The Pretentious Quoter

The Pretentious Quoter is just that. Pretentious and quotes a lot. They seldom have anything intelligent or clever to say, and thus will resort to posting random quotes from long dead philosophers or musicians who died from drug overdoses in the 70’s. Or poets. They are also fond of using quotes from dead poets. If you ever spot a Tweet that looks as if it’s been lifted from Inspirational-Quotes.com, you are advised to drop what you are doing, and back away very slowly, before clicking on the Unfollow button.

Most Likely To Tweet: “Look beneath yourself to find yourself.” ~ Anonymous
The Random Requester

The Random Requester is an annoying soul who seems to think that Twitter is their personal concierge service or human powered search engine. Either that, or they are celebrities who have been advised by their social media advisor to ask questions to “stimulate online engagement”. So that’s what they do. They ask questions. Plenty of questions. Plenty of insipid, anger inducing questions. Pretty much the most random questions you can think of. Look, asking people on Twitter for help every now and then is perfectly acceptable. When every second tweet is a question though, then your stomach is quickly set on a collision course with my knee.

Most Likely To Tweet: Where can I find a good anal bleacher in Cape Town?
The Hash Man

#Stop #Overusing #Hashtags #You #Great #Big #Fool. Seriously, cut that shit out.

Most Likely To Tweet: So cool. #BestNight #This #App #Rocks

Am I missing any others? Of course I am, I deliberately left some other ones out so you could have a reason to drop me a line in the comments section. (if you’re reading this via email in your Inbox then you should probably go to my website, which is right here)

Oakes signing off.

Super Trendy New Internet Acronyms To Use In 2013

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 22:05:04 +0000

It’s Gonna Be A Thing.

Use these acronyms and be as cool and trendy as a young Don Johnson from the 80s.

Last week I finally discovered what “YOLO” meant. For months, I always assumed it was some sort of typo people were making over and over again in Tweets, and obnoxious Facebook Status updates. “I think they clearly meant ‘Lol’,” I would tell myself reassuringly.

“Yes, they clearly meant ‘Lol’ but they have thick sausage fingers so they’ve typed it out as ‘Yolo’. Tut Tut,” I would reassure myself some more.

A few months earlier, I had also discovered what “FOMO” was all about. I eventually had to Google it, to prevent myself looking like a tit, as before that I was resorting to laughing nervously when someone told me they were suffering from it, before then changing the subject before it became obvious I had no idea what they were talking about.

“I know I said I wasn’t doing Rocking the Daisies this year, but I’m getting serious FOMO right now, they would say.” “Hahaha… that’s amusing… so…. I have this weird mole on my balls,” I would quickly retort with, and then we would talk about testicular cancer instead.

With all that in mind, I’ve started using my own little acronyms this year, acronyms which are amazing and clever, acronyms which will no doubt spread like wildfire over the interwebs in the next few weeks. Let’s not forget, I am very influential – I came up with the whole “wearing a slim black tie with a white shirt” vibe, and I was the first person to wear pink as a contemporary fashion colour back in ’03.

It’s thus in your best interests to use the following in conversations this week:

OGIN – Only Getting It Now

When you just realised something you should have picked up earlier.

Example – I watched Django Unchained last night and thought the movie was lame. But then this morning I was like OGIN, Jamie Foxx was DREAMING in the psychiatric institution the whole time! With that in mind, I now think it’s the greatest movie since forever.
FOBAD – Fear of Being A Dick

When you stop yourself from doing something which will make you look like a dick.

Example – So I was just about to pee on my friend’s car on Friday night because I thought it would be hilarious, but then I had a FOBAD moment so I just let the air out of his tyres instead.
TINAJ – This Is Not A Joke

When you are saying something which, on the face of it, sounds ludicrous but is actually the truth.

Example – Look, all I know is one minute I was just having a casual beer at the bar, and the next thing I know, your girlfriend’s boobs were all up in my mouth. TINAJ by the way.
SIWAD – Sorry I Was A Dick

When you don’t stop yourself from being a dick, and you need to apologise.

Example – Look, all I know is one minute I was just having a casual beer at the bar, and the next thing I know, your girlfriend’s boobs were all up in my mouth. TINAJ by the way. And um…. SIWAD.

Now go forth. And embrace FOBAD.

Oakes signing off.

[disclaimer – I do not have a weird mole in my testicular region, I do have a mole on the side of my stomach though, near my hip bone, but it’s not weird. It’s a pretty normal mole. Also, I was kidding about Django Unchained – it’s not a lame movie, i thought it was pretty good, not Tarantino’s best (I preferred Inglorious Bastards) but it’s entertaining nonetheless. Oh and Jamie Foxx did not dream up the whole thing in a psychiatric institution either. This was just a joke]

I thought I was the Business at Cavendish on Saturday

Shaun Oakes — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 22:08:35 +0000

But I Was Wrong.

Cavendish, where Shaun thought he was the business.

I was at Cavendish on Saturday.

That’s not even the interesting part though.

I was at Cavendish on Saturday and everyone I walked past kept staring at me, going way beyond the acceptable 2 second eye contact rule. And I’m not even talking about my usual target market either (middle-aged women with huge perfume odours and small feet – they love staring at me for some reason).

No, this Saturday was a wide cross section of middle-aged women, young women and severely old men, who all gave me the once-over. I obviously put this down to me looking particularly exceptional (My hair was well behaved, and I had also bathed earlier that day) This realisation made me incredibly excited, which obviously meant I needed to go to the bathroom to urinate gleefully.

Whilst there, I caught a long, lingering glimpse of myself in the mirror and realised that it wasn’t my phenomenal cheek bones or exceptionally crafted eyebrows they were staring at.

Instead, it was the exotic mix of peppadew and spinach stuck in my teeth. An exotic mix from a pasta I had smashed in my face hours earlier.

And then you wonder why I don’t smile at you when I see you in public.

F**k.

Oakes signing off.

The Useless Reply-To-All Email

Shaun Oakes — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 22:10:41 +0000

Stop Doing It

Think about this very carefully...

I hate receiving emails to my work address. Whenever I receive a work email and it begins downloading to my Inbox, I spend around 5 seconds gripped with this irrational fear that it’s either a message saying that I’ve been fired – or worse –it’s a message saying that I have work to do.

I get bitterly, bitterly angry then, when I discover that the email I’ve just painstakingly downloaded is nothing but a Useless Reply-To-All to a funny YouTube link that was sent out to the entire office minutes earlier.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against funny YouTube links. I love funny YouTube links. In fact, if funny YouTube links somehow manifested itself into a living, breathing, tangible thing – with arms, legs and a fully developed reproductive system – I would probably have its babies.

It’s the Useless Reply-To-All Email that I have the problem with. There is absolutely no value being added by replying to all with a “Hahaha” or that trusty old chestnut, the “LOL!!!”.

If the Useless Reply-To-All Email somehow manifested itself into a living, breathing, tangible thing – with arms, legs and a fully developed reproductive system – I wouldn’t have its babies.

Oh no captain, I would give it a good hiding, and not the kinky kind you give to the naughty girls who wear tiny skirts at Tiger Tiger on a Friday night either. Instead, I would give it the kind of hiding that leaves your bum tender and fragile for days after, and makes your buttocks twitch anxiously at even the THOUGHT of sending a “Bwahaha” to everyone.

So if you are going to do it, stop and think and make it witty.

Otherwise, prepare to feel the wrath of my hand.

On your bum.

Where it may even linger.

Oakes signing off.

Things I Should Do That Will Make Me More Likeable In 2013

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 06 Jan 2013 22:01:35 +0000

New Year’s Resolutions 2013

So unlike many of you, I’ve been back at work since last week already. In many ways, the first day back at the office feels eerily similar to attending a Parlotones concert ie: you’d much rather be somewhere else, and you have the nagging fear that all your friends are having way more fun than you. (Other similarities include the fact that there are not too many people around and the ones who ARE there look as if they’ve just dropped their cellphones in toilet water)

The quiet start has however given me some time to reflect on life, and things I should be doing to ensure a happy and prosperous 2013. ( I believe they are called “New Year’s Resolutions”)

Seeing as how I seem to have captured your attention, I thought I would share some of these resolutions with you in bullet point fashion:

Stop Kneeing Middle-Aged People In The Groin

Looking happy now, but wait until he gets a knee to the groin.

You know how often you replace one addiction with another? Well, ever since I successfully weened myself off smelling my ring finger on a hot Summer’s day (this addiction having replaced my earlier vice of smoking other people’s Dunhill Lights) I’ve started kneeing people in the groin.

Not just any people though. Middle-aged people, men specifically – although there was that one woman with the facial hair at the gym… Nevertheless, I will strive to stop doing it this year, as it’s considered anti-social and a little unsettling to middle-aged people I have just met.

Stop Marking My Territory in Other People’s Toilets

Cute dog doing what Shaun does in other people's toilets.

Whenever I use someone’s bathroom to “powder my nose” (which is girl code for “having a solid pee”) I will make a point of sprinkling a little bit on the floor. Not a lot mind you, just a couple of droplets that you would otherwise never notice.

I look at it as marking my territory. Other people seem to look at it as highly improper and not very cool. Consider last week the last time I would have done this. (If you’re reading this and I was at your house last week, I obviously wasn’t referring to you. I did it somewhere else. Obviously)

Take More Photographs Of Random People’s Feet

Random feet of someone who was sleeping.

Everyone should have a hobby, be it salsa, gymming or secretly cutting out magazine clippings of local celebrities and pasting it on the wall of a secret room situated behind a dry wall in your modest yet trendy apartment. I’ve tried salsa, I gym whenever someone puts a gun to my head, and I can’t partake in the third hobby since I don’t have a dry wall. (not anymore…)

What I do have however, is a stirring passion for taking photographs of random people’s feet. Sadly, I don’t get to do enough of this though, due to various legal issues and people complaining to security and policing authorities. Nevertheless, it’s clearly a talent I have and something I will look to further develop this year.

Stop Looking Creepy In Photographs

Shaun looking creepy.

This is probably one of the most important resolutions this year. Take a look at the photo above. It’s not even me trying to photobomb. It’s just me looking like a creepy old man with long, greasy hair.

Thankfully, I’m working toward not doing this anymore. (I’ve cut my long, greasy hair – but looking creepy is still a work in progress)

You will probably hear from me again tomorrow, but in the meantime, say something nice in the comments section below.

Oakes signing off.

Quick Way of Getting Yourself Unfriended on Facebook

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 18:28:37 +0000

People who are friends with you on Facebook, but get all shy around you in the real world.

Loud and opinionated online. Shy and socially awkward offline.

Just a quick one, this has been bothering me for a while, and it’s happened on more than one occasion now.

So I’m friends with quite a few randoms on Facebook. Besides you of course. You are the exception, I’m really fond of you.

Everyone else is a bit random though.

Now look, I’m pretty shit at remembering names and faces. When you add in the fact that I also never greet someone first, I’m happy to put my hand up and concede that I am socially inept.

However, if I DO happen to recognise someone’s face, I know their name, and I’m even willing to greet first (Not a massive greeting, but a gentle nod of the head – that’s pretty huge, coming from someone like me) I would of course expect that they would reciprocate my greeting and bask in the knowledge that I have acknowledged their presence.

But no, instead she quickly dropped her gaze to the floor, and then as she approached me turned her head 180 degrees to look at something which had apparently caught her interest.

180 degrees.

Like a f**king owl.

I’m sorry owl lady, but as I recall, YOU were the one who sent me the Facebook request in the first place. So it’s not like you don’t know who I am.

We were at Woolies, what could have possibly been so interesting that you risked snapping your neck to avoid looking at me?

The potatoes?

The green peppers?

Granted, they were on special, but come on.

Just… weird.

Anyone else ever experience that?

Oakes signing off.

What To Do When You Can’t Remember Someone’s Name

Shaun Oakes — Mon, 28 May 2012 19:59:18 +0000

After you have spoken to them for ten minutes and you now need to introduce them to someone else who has just arrived.

Although she is smiling, the lady in the middle has NO clue who the other two are.

Shaun: So yeah, that’s pretty much what I’ve been up to these last couple of years.

Person Whose Name Shaun Can’t Remember: Wow, your life sounds way more interesting than mine.

Shaun: No… no your life seemed okay. It didn’t sound all that bad.

Person Whose Name Shaun Can’t Remember: No, I’ve been procrastinating for years, I need to get a move on with things now.

Shaun: Look, there were definitely some good parts toward the end there. So don’t beat yourself up about it.

[Random Person (name withheld) approaches and joins Shaun and Person Whose Name Shaun Can't Remember, standing in their line of sight, waiting for an introduction. Shaun panics as he realises he doesn't know the name of the person he has been chatting to for the last ten minutes. The two both end up looking at Shaun, waiting for an introduction]

Shaun: Sorry guys, this is… [motions to both of them, indicating that they should introduce themselves.]

Random Person: …

Person Whose Name Shaun Can’t Remember: …

Shaun: This is [mumble]

Random Person: Come again?

Shaun: This is [mumble]

Person Whose Name Shaun Can’t Remember: That’s… that’s not my name.

Shaun: What?

Person Whose Name Shaun Can’t Remember: That’s not my name.

Shaun: What?

Person Whose Name Shaun Can’t Remember: Wow.

Shaun: Of course I know your name.

Random Person: Awkward…

Person Whose Name Shaun Can’t Remember: So what is it then?

Shaun: What?

Person Whose Name Shaun Can’t Remember: What’s my name then?

Shaun: Your name?

Person Whose Name Shaun Can’t Remember: Yes, my name.

[Shaun collapses on floor, pretending to have fainted. The other two walk away to get a beer and end up introducing themselves. Person Whose Name Shaun Can't Remember goes by the name of Chris, who hits it off with Random Person. (they later end up making out outside in the parking lot) Shaun slowly gets up and starts chatting to someone else whose name he does remember. Everybody wins. ]

Oakes signing off.

Shaun Gets A Good Cupping

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 27 May 2012 19:42:20 +0000

Decides To Get Leopard Spots On His Back.

Shaun with weird shit all over his back.

So last week Thursday I had some time to kill, and decided to draw up a bucket list of things I wanted to do before I die. This included various wishes, which included skydiving, climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, and developing the ability to levitate things with my mind. I also had some other more outlandish ones, such as going to the Moon, and having consensual but rigorous sexual relations with the reality star Kim Kardashian – which The Girlfriend is completely fine with, as I have given her permission to have consensual but rigorous sexual relations with the American actor Mark Ruffalo should the opportunity present itself.

One of the more random items on my list involved going for a cupping massage, which I’ve always been curious about.

Now, I’ve always thought of “cupping” as the act of “catching” your fart in your hand and “throwing” it in the direction of an enemy or loved one, but cupping also refers to an ancient Chinese technique that involves taking hot cups containing a flammable fluid which you then light up, and then have it attached to your back by a grim-looking Chinese woman, with the heat causing a vacuum effect, turning them into little suction cups on your back.

They are meant to suck out all the toxins in your body through your back, and seeing as how I’ve been frequently told what a toxic person I am, I thought this would be great.

I had imagined that this would feel like little love bites on my back, and would be quite pleasurable, but it didn’t really pan out that way. It feels warm obviously, not pleasurable, but not unpleasant either. It just felt a bit tight and constricted, like I had 20 tiny dwarf hands gently pinching my back.

The grim-looking Chinese woman kept all the cups on for about 20-25 minutes, and the most pleasurable or satisfying thing about it is at the end when she pulled off the cups and it made this weird popping sound, like a champagne cork that has just been popped.

I clearly had lots of toxins that needed to be removed though, as my back is now full of these weird marks you can see in the photograph above. On that note, I’ve actually Photoshopped the picture to make myself seem more “normal” as if you really saw what I looked like without a shirt on you would all get resentful and deflated at the sight of my magnificent physique.

Magnificent physique or not, my back does look pretty angry right now, and made me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit when I first saw it, but it isn’t painful at all. I think it will start fading away soon (I hope) as I am fond of just ripping off my shirt at various public places and this is obviously not an option for me right now.

So yeah, that was cupping in a nutshell, I don’t feel any different now that I’ve done it, but I’m glad I did, as I would have otherwise begun obsessing about it, which is what I’ve now started to do with Kim Kardashian. I’ll let you know how that particular bucket list item goes.

Oakes signing off.

Albino Squirrel In Cape Town

Shaun Oakes — Thu, 24 May 2012 19:32:39 +0000

Random Photos Over Here

Today it seemed as if the sun said “F**k you, Winter, even though it’s meant to be your gig right now, I’m just going to shine and be warm today, and you can’t do anything about it, because I am the SUN.”

And to a large extent it did just that.

To take advantage of this, I decided to climb out from under The Girlfriend, grab my camera, go out onto the streets of Cape Town, and take random photographs of small women with large feet.

Unfortunately, there seemed to be a shortage of small women with large feet hanging around Cape Town today. I then decided to change tact, and take photographs of large women with small feet. Luck wasn’t on my side though, as the only large woman I found (who had the tiniest little feet, like stilts, I was convinced she falls over every few steps she takes) well, she seemed quite uncomfortable with me taking landscape and portrait shots of her as she slammed a flapjack in her mouth. So much so, that her boyfriend made me remove the photos I took of her, which I thought was completely uncalled for and which I then assumed would completely ruin my day.

As luck would then have it though, I stumbled across an albino squirrel in the patch of field next to the backpackers (the one in Gardens with the swimming pool, where the hot foreigners sunbathe in the Summer). Albino squirrels are quite rare, apparently there are only 3 albino squirrels in the whole of Africa, so I took a few pics.

He looks just like a rat, except he has a bushy tail, which makes him instantly more likeable.

You can just about make it out here, but he started giving himself a BJ, as squirrels are apparently known to do when strangers approach them with cameras.

Chilling in the sun, although he doesn't seem to like it much, as I am guessing he is quite sensitive to bright light, being an albino and all.

Hanging out with his brown cousin, who seemed resentful because he was just a regular squirrel, and his cousin was kind of special and had someone taking photographs of him.

Apparently it’s quite famous and regularly makes appearances in Gardens, so keep your eye out for it. And don’t try and kill it, like the one guy who saw it and threw a stone at it because “it was looking at me funny”. Yes, it has red eyes and looks a little evil, but everyone knows that a squirrel has a heart of gold. It’s rats that you should be afraid of.

Oakes signing off.

7 Sex Tips You Can Learn By Playing 5-A-Side Football

Shaun Oakes — Mon, 21 May 2012 22:10:03 +0000

It Sounds Ridiculous But Read Below and See For Yourself.

Lionel Messi. Handy enough player, but he has never played 5 a side football at the Waterfront in Cape Town.

My head is swollen, my ribs are bruised, I have carpet burns on my knees, and I’m currently limping. Usually this occurs whenever I talk back to The Girlfriend, or put too much sugar in her rooibos tea. In this instance however, it’s due to me playing 5-a-side football at the V&A Waterfront. We joined a corporate league a while back, and play against other companies. We usually rock up without practice, relying on our natural talent – which is minimal – and physical brutality – which we have a reasonable amount of, and the end result is we generally lose more than we win.

I was playing this evening (last night if you’re reading this tomorrow. Which would be today) and realised that there are plenty of similarities between football tactics and sex tips. So much so, that I decided to share with you 7 football tips we try and follow, which can just as easily be applied to someone looking for advice on sexual relations and the act of heavy petting. Read on and see. I think this is called a “juxtaposition”. Even if it’s not, I still managed to get the word “juxtaposition” in a blog post. Twice. Which makes me a winner. Anyhoo, here goes:

Always Be Prepared and Use Suitable Protection. It’s really rough out there and you can never be too careful. Sure, your adversary might look friendly enough, and will give you a big smile and a wave before the action begins, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security. “I don’t need any protection, this seems legit,” you tell yourself, but once the action is over, and the result has been confirmed, you are left in shock, and will probably require ongoing medical attention if you’re not careful.
Study Your Opposition. To maximise your chances of scoring, you need to do your homework and get a thorough understanding of your opponents. Learn about their likes, their dislikes, the best areas to put your balls, and the strongest positions to initiate a potentially winning maneuver.
Warm Ups Are Essential. You can’t just expect to rock up 5 minutes late, strip off your work clothes and start scoring immediately do you? No, you need to do a little bit of stretching first, followed by some light ball work to warm things up and get everyone excited and in the mood for what’s to come.
Always Have A Plan B. Just because you’re used to doing things a certain way, doesn’t mean it’s always going to work. You may have scored straight away with it last week, but that particular move you perfected won’t necessarily work for you this week, so always be prepared to shake things up and try something new. A varied approach to your build up play can make all the difference and help you get the result you deserve.
You Can’t Play By Yourself. Well, in theory you can, but it’s nowhere near as fun as when you include others. Remember, this is a team game, and the feeling of enjoyment and satisfaction you get when you have a good understanding and play off one another can well be described as “orgasmic”. One or two touches on the ball is important to give everyone a feeling of involvement, and always be aware of a teammate’s best position so you can get the most out of them.
Be Aware Of The Rules And Follow Them. The game works best and is enjoyed by everyone when the rules are obeyed and boundaries are adhered to. Sure, there are a few grey areas here and there, and one or two rules may be bent on occasion, but it’s best to keep things clean, or risk being given your marching orders for crossing the line.
Always Shake Hands At The End Of the Game. Remember, it’s just a fun, healthy and sweaty past time at the end of the day. So, no matter what might have happened in the minutes preceding the final whistle, always be prepared to shake hands, swap shirts and leave on good terms.

That is all.

Oakes signing off.

Check us out at Fives Futbol. After a flying start we are currently third(ish) and dropping like a stone.

How to Get Women To Notice You At Shopping Malls

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 20 May 2012 22:13:07 +0000

Without you being creepy. Them noticing you because you are creepy doesn’t count.

Get noticed by a woman who looks like this. She will have clothes on though.

I was walking through the V&A Waterfront the other day, when I realised that a number of reasonably attractive women were looking at me with great longing in their eyes.

This intrigued me somewhat, as I certainly wasn’t looking my best. In fact, I was having a pretty shitty hair day, hadn’t showered for 36 hours, and I had a pimple on my face so large, it actually had a name (Cedric), its own personality independent to my own, and was even hoping on going out on a date with someone that night – albeit on the slim chance that it would meet a Cape Town woman open-minded enough to go out on a date with a large pimple attached to a slender, wiry man who was having a pretty shitty hair day and who hadn’t showered for 36 hours.

So not only was the pimple so large it had its own name and its own personality independent to my own, it was also blessed with the gift of eternal optimism.

Anyway, so there I was, wondering if women suddenly found me irresistible, or whether I was just walking around with my “junk” out again – as I mistakenly did twice back in 2007 – when I remembered that I was carrying a large pack of nappies. (Long story, but they weren’t really mine)

Women were obviously under the impression that I was a father, and I could literally see them mentally going “Awwww”, the way you do when a puppy or kitten comes to snuggle up against you whilst you are sitting near the fireplace, desperately trying to read Shantaram, because EVERYONE says it’s a great book, but you are finding it utterly, utterly boring and so are easily distracted by reasonably cute house pets.

So yeah, if you are the type of guy who looks to pick up women at busy shopping malls, get yourself a large pack of disposable nappies (they are about R80) and just walk around in the line of sight of young, slightly broody women. If it works for you, and you somehow end up getting to rub yourself up against their thighs, please let me know, so that I may live my life vicariously through you.

Oakes signing off.

3 Things I Utterly Despise About Music Radio

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 20 May 2012 20:22:12 +0000

Worse Than People Who Blow Their Nose In Their Hands, Which I Also Strongly Despise.

Rihanna... one of the reasons why Shaun despises music radio? Read on to find out.

It’s very seldom that I listen to music radio stations these days, do you?
I get way more satisfaction and enjoyment listening to myself singing classic ballads from the 80’s and 90’s. I do a rendition of The Backstreet Boys “All I Have to Give” that will literally make you soil yourself at the sheer magnificence of it all.

Seriously, if you are ever in my company and it seems that there is even a SLIGHT chance I may belt it out, make sure you’re wearing brown pants, or tear off your ears. Because you WILL end up shitting yourself.

And let’s be honest, it’s far more respectable to go through the rest of your life without ears than being the person who poo’d in their white linen pants in front of everyone after listening to Shaun Oakes’ rendition of the Backstreet Boys’ “All I Have To Give”.

On the odd occasion I listen to a music radio station, I find that I have become severely allergic to our DJ’s and their inane ramblings on air. I was staring at the wall in my lounge yesterday, and realised that there are 3 key things I currently despise about music radio stations.

1) DJs stating the obvious or speaking just for the sake of it (eg: “Hey, so it’s so windy in Cape Town right now, I just wish it wasn’t so windy you know what I’m saying? Ha ha ha!”)

Firstly, as you’re a regional radio station, there is a 99% chance that the people listening to you are sitting in Cape Town right now. So yes, thank you for telling us what we already know. It IS very windy, well done. More disturbingly though, what’s with that little laugh at the end there? Was there a joke that I missed somewhere? Is this actually very clever, deep humour that has completely gone over my head? Or is this just another example of your pseudo-American drawl you picked up somewhere and you’re just a knob? Please do tell.

2) DJs who think they are the only ones with access to the internet. (eg: “So Kim Kardashian has been spotted making out with Kanye West, and er… you know, things are getting crazy between them right now.”)

Guess what DJ, we also have access to TMZ, Perez Hilton and Twitter. Most of the time your news is pretty old, and is in that week’s issue of the YOU magazine anyway. So you telling us about a celebrity is just a waste of time. Rather be quiet and put on another song.

3) DJs who play Rihanna over and over and over again. And again. And again. And again.

It doesn’t matter what station I listen to. It’s always Rihanna. She must have about 17,000 songs out on radio right now. And they play every single one. Five times a day.

Am I alone here? What can they do on music radio to be less annoying? Hit me up with your comments. (See what I did there? I’m trying to initiate “conversation”.)

Oakes signing off.

A Quick, Fun Way To Clean Up Your Facebook Friend List

Shaun Oakes — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 22:09:51 +0000

Because We All Have Way Too Many Randoms We Befriend.

You have a photo of your pet as your Facebook Profile Pic? Yeah... I am just going to go ahead and unfriend you now, thanks.

At last count, I had just over 500 friends on Facebook, which is pretty remarkable, when you consider the fact that I am incredibly anti-social, and would choose rupturing my Achilles tendon over having dinner with 15 other people.

Now, rupturing your Achilles tendon is a pretty painful experience, but I would choose it. Every time. Well, probably 9 times out of 10.

I would choose the dinner on the 10th occasion just to add a bit of variety. Because the only thing I hate more than socialising with other people, is doing the same thing over and over again.

So the 10th time, yeah, it would be dinner with 15 other people. But I wouldn’t enjoy it.

Anyhoo, besides a few close friends, work colleagues, the odd family member and a selection of nemeses (which is the plural of nemesis) the majority of my Facebook friends seem to be a bunch of randoms I don’t know very well.

Besides you obviously, you are clearly the exception. But everyone else is random.

Every quarter, I do a bit of spring cleaning, removing people I have no intention of socialising with in the near future. This usually involves me clicking on the Friends page on Facebook, and then randomly choosing people with offensive Profile Photos. People with their newborn babies or kids saved as their Profile Pics are usually the first to go, as that is the most offensive. Then it’s people who have images of “clever ”random messages like “I Facebooked Your Mom”. Then it’s people who save photos of other people (usually ugly or severely unattractive people) as their Profile Pics.

Something that is ideal for this quarterly Friend culling exercise is this game on the Hunter’s Facebook Page, which randomly displays pics of your Facebook friends, giving you six seconds to guess who it is. Not only is it quite fun and addictive, but it’s also a great way for me to clean up my Friend List.

Don’t recognise this guy? Boom, I’ve just unfriended you.

Does anyone else think of that hip hop song by Eve when you see the title of this game?

And if you’re really good and you know your friends and you somehow rack up a lot of points, you can score a bar fridge as a prize.

The Belgians call this “a Win Win Situation” in Belgian. Which in English, loosely translates to “a Win Win Situation”. Which is exactly the same thing.

Makes you think.

Huh? Don’t get that? Me neither. Just think about it.

Oakes signing off

Vagrants With Bad Memories Are The Worst

Shaun Oakes — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 22:20:29 +0000

#FirstWorldProblems.

Not remembering shit.

Look, let me start off by saying that I realise that vagrants and the homeless have been dealt a shitty hand in life, I really do. I can’t even begin to imagine the hardships they must face on a daily basis, all in an effort to simply survive.

Having said that, I just… I just wish they would pay a little more attention to the people who give them money, that’s all.

I regularly hand out a R5 and a kind word to a couple of homeless guys around the Gardens area. On the one or two occasions I don’t have spare change though, I am treated as if I have slept with their mothers, girlfriends and sisters and given them all STDs.

Just the other day, I gave a guy some change at the traffic lights. As I drove off I realised I went the wrong way and so had to double back, ending up at the same pair of traffic lights. The same guy from 2 minutes earlier came up to me and asked me for change, and when I shook my head in puzzlement, he shook his head right back at me. Kind of like a disappointed father who has just received a mediocre school report from his kid.

It made me feel really shitty and I nearly jumped out of my car to explain to him that I had actually given him some change not 5 minutes earlier.

But then the traffic lights changed, and so obviously I had to go.

But yeah, vagrants with bad memories hey.

Not ideal.

Oakes signing off.

The Hippo Is Killing My Favourite 80′s Songs

Shaun Oakes — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 22:27:24 +0000

Stop It. Stop It. Stop It Right Now.

The 80s. Slowly Being Stalked and Murdered by the Hippo.

I am quite fond of songs from the 80’s. In fact, fond is a severe understatement.

If the 80’s were a woman, I would very likely be trying to feel her up outside her car, after plying her with alcohol earlier in the evening and getting her to talk to me about sex. (this is a seduction technique called “Anchoring” – I read about this in an email I received the other day which also told me I needed penile enlargement)

I’m a huge fan of 80’s pop songs which is why the Hippo insurance adverts really anger me. Hippo is a company that gets you multiple quotes on insurance, which sounds like a pretty useful service, right? Sure, I would probably think it’s great too, were it not for the fact that they INSIST on butchering popular songs from the 80’s in their adverts.

They basically take the tune and chorus and add in their own shitty lyrics about insurance quotes. They started out by brutally maiming “We Built This City on Rock ‘n Roll” by 80’s super group Starship, and now they’ve done it again by bludgeoning “You Spin Me ‘Round” by Dead or Alive. See below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhe1RAxEXQI

Now as you know, things very seldom anger me, I’m generally described as quite a chilled out, laid back, slightly effeminate young man. Having said that, I’m convinced that if I were to bump into the Hippo from Hippo Insurance in the street, there is a fair to mild chance that I will end up inserting my foot firmly and authoratively up its bum hole.

I swear if they decide to mess with “Jump” by Van Halen I will completely lose my shit.

I don’t need the Hippo. Especially if he is going to kill my 80s vibe. Seriously, let’s stop doing that now.

Oakes signing off.

The Most Boring Book Ever Written

Shaun Oakes — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 22:23:51 +0000

Ever.

If you see this book, drop what you are doing and RUN.

I don’t read books. As a rule, the only books I read are the my own collection of short stories and narrative poetry (they are unpublished because it’s so good, your brain would literally explode when you read them, and I would then be charged with murder)

When people ask me what’s the last book I read, or what my favourite book is, I usually have a couple of stock answers. If I’m in the company of hard-core, Woolworth’s and E-TV hating Christians, then my favourite book is obviously the King James Bible.

For everyone else, it’s “American Psycho” by Bret Easton Ellis (I read this book once when I was 4 years old, but I often throw this name out because it makes me sound cool and edgy)

Having said all that, the other day I was reluctantly talked into reading what was described to me as “the most amazing book you will read this year” by both family members and friends. This immediately unsettled me, as I am seldom amazed, especially by a book.

I went ahead and started reading it though, as The Girlfriend had packed away my own volumes of prose, and I needed something to entertain and amuse me. So I began “Shantaram” by the author Gregory David Roberts. It’s about an Australian bank robber and drug addict who escapes from an Australian prison and heads off to India.

It’s portrayed as a vivid, epic adventure but I can honestly say it’s the most boring, dragged out story I have ever read. I have often made ballsy statement like “I would rather stab myself than do xyz” but after spending time with this book, the kitchen carving knife really did start looking pretty appealing. The book itself is about 2000 pages long, and weighs about 15kg, so it’s a lengthy read. I gave it my best shot and got to about 400 pages before giving up. You would think by this point, I would be fairly far into the plot, but no, I still don’t really know where the story is going. The author has an annoying habit of describing everything to the last detail, and writes out long conversations between characters as they talk about philosophical psycho babble that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the story.

I don’t often write about books, and this isn’t a book review, but I just thought I’d warn you about this, as Shantaram seems to be quite popular for some reason and is being passed around various groups of friends like a 19 year old chick who’s had to much Jagermeister. (I call it the “Emporer’s New Clothes Effect” – everyone is to afraid to speak up and say what a shit book it is)

There are a few people who seem to agree with me though, here with a couple of random Amazon Reviews I found:

“Overlong, overwritten, over-self-conscious and under-edited, Shantaram is a book that almost sinks under its own weight. While the details on the slums and the criminal underworld of Bombay are fascinating, the second-rate epigrams of Karla and Didier, the endless uncalled-for philosophical symposia, and the final jaunt to Afghanistan all became a bit too much and I was skipping pages by the end.”

“Terribly boring, neverending, unauthentic with a main character who is a sort of smug Superman having more (unrealistic) adventures than Indiana Jones in all of his pictures. Mr Shantaram is polyglot, half medical doctor, businessman, smuggler, writer, poet…. I have been looking forward to finishing this novel: a neurosis of mine obliges me to finish a book I am reading even if I find it a bore and when I put this volume back on the shelf I felt very relieved.”

“Shantaram is an ambitious novel. Unfortunately, Gregory David Roberts’ 900+ pages of ambition suffers from a lack of competent editing, or perhaps from no editing at all. To be sure, there are sections of the book that are engaging and fascinating, such as those that describe Lin’s (the protagonist) experiences as a Bombay slum doctor or his visits to the Standing Babas and his friend Prubaker’s village. But there are an equal number of dull, repetitive and poorly written passages. Roberts’ tendency to describe what every female character is wearing in every scene is mind-numbing, as is his tendency to write about the femme fatale’s black hair and green eyes ad nauseam.”

So if you are someone who happens to read, and someone mentions this book to you, punch them in the face.

Tell them it was from me.

Oakes signing off.

Ever Wanted To Go To A Lumberjack Festival?

Shaun Oakes — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 22:15:41 +0000

Well, Now You Can.

A Lumberjack. Updating his Facebook Status.

I often get random press releases about upcoming events or parties, which I usually pay no attention to, as I am completely anti-social. I pretty much hate everyone, with the exception of approximately 27 people, 3 dogs, 1 cat and a Shetland Pony named “Sidney Poitier”. Before you ask, I don’t know why the Shetland Pony is named after a legendary black Hollywood actor, that’s just how he was introduced to me, he has always gone by that name, and it just feels normal now and doesn’t feel ridiculous at all when I greet him and say “Hi Sidney Poitier”, as he contently eats his hay whilst simultaneously taking a shit.

Anyhoo, I received a mail the other day about a Lumberjack Festival happening in Stellenbosch in a couple of weeks, which sounds quite interesting. Women find men with beards very sexy, and I would literally kill someone if it meant I was able to grow a thick, manly beard. Unfortunately I am blessed with a smooth, baby-like face instead. If you know of a way to magically grow a thick face bush, my offer to kill someone still stands. (Has to be someone fairly weak physically though, so I can easily choke them out)

Here is an extract from the email about the event:

The STIHL Lumberjack Festival will be a carnival-crazy combination of an agricultural show, a musical festival, and a family fête – all centred around Lumber Games and other sporting activities that rope in children, parents, students, and the working man. Everything from Tree Climbing and Axe Throwing, to a Giant Tree Swing, Jumping Castle and epic Water Slide will be on the go – along with great music and comedy MC’ing providing further entertainment in the background throughout the day. A dedicated sundowner music session in the evening, when the Lumber Games have wound down, will feature Jeremy Loops performing on the Saturday the 14th of April, and the Valiant Swart Band on Sunday the 15th of April. The event will be hosted by comedian Dave Levinsohn.

There is a bunch of other info, so I suggest you go visit their Facebook Page or email them at lumberjackfest@gmail.com.

Lumberjack Festival Flyer

I’ll see if I can score some free tickets for a couple of you.

Oakes signing off.

When to Hug, Shake Hands, Kiss or Wave

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 22:15:49 +0000

Because We’ve All Wondered About This.

The Joker didn't know when to do these things, and look where that got him.

I’ve often been told that I lack certain social skills and am regularly scolded about certain idiosyncrasies I have. “Shaun, why don’t you ever greet people first” or “Shaun, you’re always taking the last piece of cheese” or “Shaun, stop undressing those people with your eyes”.

Something else I often battle with is knowing when to hug, when to shake hands, when to kiss and when to wave. I may be presumptuous, but I’m willing to guess many people suffer the same problem. I’ve often started business meetings on an awkward footing by attempting to kiss or hug prospective clients. It gets even more awkward if they are actually keen on me pulling into them. Friends and family often get annoyed when I give them a royal wave instead of hugging them on their birthdays. Not as annoyed as The Girlfriend gets when I formally shake hands with a vagrant who has just defecated in the park, and now requests a R5 from me.

So I’ve gone and mapped out scenarios appropriate for hugging, shaking hands, kissing, waving etc. Think of it as a Cheat Sheet, helping you ensure you never pull into your wrinkly old uncle at his 70th birthday because you think it’s the appropriate thing to do. (It isn’t)

Right so here goes:

When to Hug

This is possibly inappropriate for the office.

It’s appropriate to hug someone when they are a close family member and they have just lost a domestic pet or an expensive electrical appliance. Hugs can also be given out to friends who have been overseas for a period of longer than 6 months. There are different kinds of hugs one can give. There is the Standard Hug, which involves wrapping both your arms around the recipient for a period of 1.5 seconds. (Lingering any longer than that is considered creepy and anti-social)

There is also the Manly Hug carried out by drunk heterosexual males which involves a hand shake followed by an affectionate but firm double tap with your non-shaking hand on the recipient’s back. (ie: You shake with your right hand, pull in and manly hug with your left) NB: You DO NOT double tap them on the small of their back though, it’s more their shoulder blade. The Manly Hug is appropriate if they have given you permission to sleep with their ex or sister. Sometimes it’s even used when you just happen to see them at Tiger Tiger or Deco Dance.

It is not appropriate to Hug: co-workers, drinking buddies, shop assistants, people standing in the queue at the bank, people in wheelchairs, the aged and people with smelly armpits.

When to Shake Hands

Let's shake on this.

Shaking hands is the standard, traditional way of greeting people. You usually shake hands at business meetings, or when you have just been introduced to someone. When you shake hands, it’s important to find a balance between a firm, confident grip, and a limp-wristed weak one. Too firm and confident, and you risk hurting the recipient’s hand and have them immediately resent you. Have a grip that’s too weak though, and they will instantly lose respect for you.

Shaking hands is a non-intimate form of greeting, so it’s very seldom that you shake hands with a friend or family member. The only time this is applicable, is when you are making an irrational and immature bet with a friend (you shake on it to seal the deal) or if you’re shaking your Father-In-Law’s hand as he has officially given you permission to sleep with his daughter on a regular basis (this usually takes place at a ceremony known as a “Wedding”)

It is not appropriate to Shake Hands with: your lover, you immediate family, people with no hands, vagrants, someone who has just been to the toilet and not washed their hands, Joseph Kony.

When to Kiss

Inappropriate?

Some people are big fans of kissing as a greeting. Me, not so much. Kissing on the cheek seems to be a popular form of greeting these days. It’s usually appropriate amongst friends who have just arrived at a social gathering. SOMETIMES, it’s acceptable to give a kiss on the cheek to a girl you have just met. (Guys never kiss other guys as a greeting, unless they are wanting to sleep with them later that night)

Other than that, it’s never really appropriate to kiss someone other than your lover, unless you are a disciple wanting to sell out your Messiah to the Romans. Historically though, that tends to not turn out very well.

It is not appropriate to Kiss: co-workers, the aged, people with bad skin, people with bad breathe, someone helping you at the clothing store, strippers, any female besides your lover (this applies to tongue kisses), other guys (unless that is your thing), people who suffer from Philemaphobia (a fear of kissing)

When to Wave

Completely fine with a wave.

I don’t care what anyone else says, I enjoy a good wave. It’s impersonal yet polite, and hardly ever ends up being awkward, unless the other person is being full of shit. (“Don’t wave at me, come on over here and give your old aunty a kiss on the lips”)

It is not appropriate to Wave: It’s NEVER not appropriate to wave. If you’re not sure what to do, always go with the wave.

And there you go. Agree? Disagree?

Hit me up in the comments below.

Oakes signing off.

The Worse Thing You Can Do When You’ve Already Ordered Pizza

Shaun Oakes — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 22:07:58 +0000

Monday Tip Of The Day

The worst thing you can do after ordering pizza. The worst.

What’s the worse thing you can do when you’ve ordered pizza, and you have the place all to yourself? Why, start watching a pornographic movie of course.

Because you quickly lose track of time and before you know it, there is a knock on your door.

“Shit, firstly that was too quick, and secondly, how did he get through the security gate?” you wonder aloud in a blind panic.

“Hi it’s [brand name removed, but it rhymes with "Mr Delivery"],” he says and then, frighteningly and more than a little presumptuously, he knocks and then OPENS the f**king door.

Luckily you’ve got some pants on, but you’re also sporting a healthy tent pole, so the guy walks in and finds you bent over with your knuckles dragging on the ground, like one of those missing-link type creatures in those pics where they show how apes evolved into men.

Kind of like this guy.

Still in that pose, you hand over the money, careful not to make eye contact.

Not that it matters though, because you quickly realise that in your haste to restore your dignity, you’ve gone and left the sound on of the little production you were watching. This of course leads to the delivery guy scoring a R100 tip to forget this ever happened.

OBVIOUSLY, this is all hypothetical of course, but has anyone ever experienced anything remotely similar?

Anyone?

This is normal, right?

Oakes signing off.

10 Chick Flicks That Will Make Her Want You This Valentine’s Day

Shaun Oakes — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:16:50 +0000

For All The Dudes.

Chick Flicks. Flicks. For Chicks.

So today sees us two weeks away from Valentine’s Day, and it’s time you get your bum in gear. Sure, you can go to a romantic restaurant, or enjoy a romantic activity together, but think how packed everywhere will be. No, this year, why not stay in and create a romantic memory at home? Staying at home is cheaper, more comfortable and statistically speaking, you are 95% more likely to have sexual relations with your partner. (48% of the time)

So let’s all stay in this year, and do the whole indoor romantic picnic vibe. There will be snacks, wine, a blanket, some Marvin Gaye in the background, followed by a romantic chick flick that will get her pulse racing. I’ve made it really easy for you, and did some research on the best chick flicks that will guarantee you have a happy Valentine’s Day. (ie: she will have sex with you) So the snacks, wine and Marvin Gaye you can sort out. I’ve sorted out chick flick movies, 10 of them to be exact, which you can choose from below:

The Note Book

The Notebook. Ryan Gosling. Rachel McAdams. Gold.

Plot: A poor and passionate young man falls in love with a rich young woman and gives her a sense of freedom. They soon are separated by their social differences.

Stars: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, two random old people.

Why This Will Make Her Want You: Every chick I have ever met loves The Notebook. Seriously. Every single one. Try this right now – find the first female you see and ask her “What’s your favourite romantic movie?“. 9 times out of 10, she will instinctively say “The Notebook“. If there is any hesitation on her part and she doesn’t answer immediately, say “The Notebook?” and watch as she says “Oh yeah, The Notebook, that’s my favourite romantic movie. I really want to have sex now.”

This movie is as pretty much a sure thing as you will ever have. Sure, it can be a bit of a strain for you to watch, but the reward at the end of it will be worth the 123 minutes you will need to sit through.

Trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3G3fILPQAU

Buy this movie today. (and get laid)

Cape Town's Favourite Son | Shaun Oakes

6 Types of Twitter Users You Seriously Need To Avoid

Just Run Away When You See Them.

The Lurking Retweeter

The Cryptic Attention Seeker

The Senseless Noise Maker

The Pretentious Quoter

The Random Requester

The Hash Man

Super Trendy New Internet Acronyms To Use In 2013

It’s Gonna Be A Thing.

OGIN – Only Getting It Now

FOBAD – Fear of Being A Dick

TINAJ – This Is Not A Joke

SIWAD – Sorry I Was A Dick

I thought I was the Business at Cavendish on Saturday

But I Was Wrong.

The Useless Reply-To-All Email

Stop Doing It

Things I Should Do That Will Make Me More Likeable In 2013

New Year’s Resolutions 2013

Stop Kneeing Middle-Aged People In The Groin

Stop Marking My Territory in Other People’s Toilets

Take More Photographs Of Random People’s Feet

Stop Looking Creepy In Photographs

Quick Way of Getting Yourself Unfriended on Facebook

People who are friends with you on Facebook, but get all shy around you in the real world.

What To Do When You Can’t Remember Someone’s Name

After you have spoken to them for ten minutes and you now need to introduce them to someone else who has just arrived.

Shaun Gets A Good Cupping

Decides To Get Leopard Spots On His Back.

Albino Squirrel In Cape Town

Random Photos Over Here

7 Sex Tips You Can Learn By Playing 5-A-Side Football

It Sounds Ridiculous But Read Below and See For Yourself.

How to Get Women To Notice You At Shopping Malls

Without you being creepy. Them noticing you because you are creepy doesn’t count.

3 Things I Utterly Despise About Music Radio

Worse Than People Who Blow Their Nose In Their Hands, Which I Also Strongly Despise.

A Quick, Fun Way To Clean Up Your Facebook Friend List

Because We All Have Way Too Many Randoms We Befriend.

Vagrants With Bad Memories Are The Worst

#FirstWorldProblems.

The Hippo Is Killing My Favourite 80′s Songs

Stop It. Stop It. Stop It Right Now.

The Most Boring Book Ever Written

Ever.

Ever Wanted To Go To A Lumberjack Festival?

Well, Now You Can.

When to Hug, Shake Hands, Kiss or Wave

Because We’ve All Wondered About This.

When to Hug

When to Shake Hands

When to Kiss

When to Wave

The Worse Thing You Can Do When You’ve Already Ordered Pizza

Monday Tip Of The Day

10 Chick Flicks That Will Make Her Want You This Valentine’s Day

For All The Dudes.

The Note Book