She is Troubled.

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 04:08:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 19:47:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 17:44:00 +0000

She preaches riddles and secrets
and sets the truth on fire, letting it burn
Because the smoke’s more genuine,
Because it’s better blurred

The tale of the Sunbeam

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 14:13:00 +0000

Once there was a sunbeam who got tired of the brightness and dullness of day. She wanted to become something greater. The sunbeam dreamed to become a star. Since then she's spent all her time pretending and daydreaming. Sometimes she'd wake up - the dream goes down a notch and she wonders if her light could radiate strong enough to even reach the night.

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 15:57:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 07:02:00 +0000

I can't believe I'm doing this. You see as soon as I got back to the condo I decided to take a nap but ended up watching the latest How I Met Your Mother episode and it brought me back to the stuff I did over the break. Christmas vacation happened just as it always has. It happened last year and it will happen again next year.
For the past two years however I've spent it without my father. He's away working and don't get me wrong I'm not mad at my father. As a matter of fact I'm very thankful. I thought maybe because I don't feel any rebellious angst against my father I don't have daddy issues. I was wrong.
What the homeless victims that Sendong wrecked had to thank for was that they still had their families. For years I've been ignoring that pang of pain I felt whenever I see kids and their fathers together. I guess I was just never bold enough to recognize that pain as jealousy. I'd like to think that right now, with the turn of the new year I'm mature enough to face the fact that I am jealous. Seeing how thankful the victims were for their families hit me hard because when I saw it in that context I felt that like them, my family has continuously been conflicted by a fearsome storm. My dad, my mom and myself, we take a huge amount of risk everyday. My dad's work has him go all over the world. I'm never really sure where he is. On rare occasions I'd know the country his ship's currently docked at or the body of water he's currently passing through but my mom and I, we don't have any tangible proof to hold on to. We have nothing to make us feel at ease. Everyday we pray for my father.
I'm not going to lie. I benefit from my dad's decision to work abroad. Because of his job he gets to send me to a good school and he is able to provide for us. For that I am very grateful. But I can't lie to myself either. Deep down I know that there were moments in my life which I felt would've been perfect if he were there.

It's the ad's fault.

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 12:17:00 +0000

If he's a good singer it'll totally be a plus... but if he's a good composer then that'd even be better. Just a random thought that entered my mind after I heard a cute song from an ad on TV. I'm not so much into dancers. In fact I find guys who can't dance but would do so just to cheer me up, cuter. Kthnksbye. :))

Christmas 2011

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 12:59:00 +0000

Wherever you are, whatever mood you're in, whoever you're with, i hope you don't miss the feeling of joy this season's known to bring!

It's been a tough couple of days for Cagayan de Oro and it's sad how the flood had to come during the Christmas season. My family and I were blessed to not have been as gravely affected as the people who have lost their homes and loved ones. Deep down I know we were all thinking that while we munched on the food we shared during Christmas Dinner.
My uncle is part of the rescue team here in CDO. He's a tall man with round belly. He's usually one of the very playful and cheerful persons in the family but after the tragedy he hasn't been the same. He shared over dinner how they were all caught by surprise when they got to the different areas. They didn't know that the flood situation was already very serious. In fact at 1am that night they couldn't do anything to help anymore. He and the rest of his team had to turn their radios and phones off as they stayed at the top of some building to keep themselves safe. My uncle shared that the rescue operation they did for Sendong was by far the worst he's ever gone through. My uncle cried while being interviewed by a GMA7 reporter. He was overwhelmed. That was the first time I saw him cry.
I'm very thankful that I didn't lose any of my loved ones and I know my the rest of my family shares the same sentiment. We chose to have a simple Christmas dinner because it didn't feel right to celebrate when a lot of people are grieving and homeless. Sendong made Christmas for me this year meaningful. Seeing how fast death can steal a life made me reevaluate my relationship with my family. I pray that the families Sendong has broken find peace in time.
Despite the current sad atmosphere in the city of golden friendship, I'm still wishing everyone a Merry Christmas! It gets better CDO.

cracks

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 03:01:00 +0000

I woke up today and got a message from a close friend whom I haven't been in good terms with lately. I messaged him earlier apologizing and admitting that I miss how we used to be. He replied with an apology and said that we might never be the same again.

I can't help but feel sad after he said that because he's right. Relationships are just too fragile that once it gets broken, the cracks left behind will never disappear no matter how much effort you put into gluing the pieces together. Maybe that's why other people choose to ignore and deny the mistakes that their partners do to them because they don't want to face the fact that it isn't the same. They pretend like they don't see anything wrong because they don't want to accept the fact that they've already lost it.

Then again it's these cracks that prove how much your relationship has gone through. Right now I just don't know how to look beyond the cracks. I want to though. badly.

HERE'S TO

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 17:23:00 +0000

the chances you never let other people know you gave

it gets interesting when you don't expect it

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 17:32:00 +0000

So I decided to bring out Amant today. I just missed using him. LaSalle's been filled of lights for the Christmas season so I had fun taking bokeh photos.

After getting home I got a phone call from Lyka who told me to go to Southgate ASAP. It's our friend Sim's birthday and we cancelled earlier but then I guess they changed their minds. We headed for Alabang. The traffic was crazy. It took us 2 hours cos apparently the bus ran too slow and the route it took was the longer way. After the draining bus ride cranky, sabaw, and hungry us, finally got to Alabang Hills.

It's been a spontaneous day. I didn't have anything concretely planned for tonight because previous engagements kept on cancelling. I was planning to just go home and sleep but the universe knocked and who am i to say no?

Don't regret going at all. Happy Birthday Simmy! Love you to bits!

Surprise surprise

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 03:08:00 +0000

I got back from a spontaneous night out with my usual drinking buddies early this morning. I was supposed to get as much sleep as I can to make it to the first Simbang Gabi in DLSU but I wasn't able to sleep.

As soon as I hit the bed, my head just wouldn't stop jumping from thought to thought. I've recalled tons of moments that didn't make sense and now - seems clearer. It's overwhelming, this feeling. I was really caught off guard. I never saw this coming. Wow.
There isn't anything there to be done and there's nothing there to be said.

So I guess we'll forever be that thought, you force yourself to avoid

that "might-be", you try to forget

that "what-if", you'll never get the answer to

and just when i felt like it was never going to end

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 12:06:00 +0000

I'm on break. I had my last exam today and I will be positive by saying that I passed that test! Haha! Results aren't out yet and quite honestly I'm a bit nervous about the scores. I wasn't being haughty or boasting when I said I passed. I'm just trying to live by this positive-law-of-attraction-jumbo. Trust me it works!

I got back to the condo after my last class with Sir Doy an hour before noon and I found myself with nothing to do. I suddenly wanted to book a ticket home but my mom's going to nag me to no end. I asked her to book me a ticket to Davao months back to spend a couple of days with my friends so I don't think she'd buy my "I'm homesick" reason. The hours passed by with me just browsing through the net. I only noticed it was 5 when the condo got dark.

I have a few more days before I leave Manila for Christmas break. I'll just "de-stress" myself from everything and fix my abnormal body clock. It's not like I have a choice anyway. I'm broke for the week. Guess the cereals and last pieces of bread I have will be what'll keep me alive for the rest of the week. I'll let you know if I make it. JK.

Happy Holidays.
May the Universe continue to conspire with your desires. :)

Random thought at 3:30 in the morning

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:35:00 +0000

It's nice to surround yourself with people who don't ask why's.

They might not know what advice to give but you know they listen.

Eating a banana at 11:19pm

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:19:00 +0000

nothing to say really. just felt like telling the internet that my whole world is crashing, my brain isn't working, i'm losing all trails of interest and passion in everything i'm doing, and yes, i'm eating a banana.

01

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:47:00 +0000

I rest just as the sun awakes. The line that divides what's real from fantasy has been blurred. Day and night suddenly don't seem so different. I blink my last few blinks before the sunlight consumes me and I ask myself what makes the two of us so unalike?

Banksy by teNeu

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 14:52:00 +0000

I bought my 2012 planner today. It took me an hour or so deciding which planner to get. There was just so many to choose from! In the end I got a teNeues one in Banksy's.

Why blog about getting a new planner? Well 'cause it means that the year is ending and a new one's about to start. I'm blogging about my buying a new planner because I felt like the future just started happening because of it.

The past few days haven't been as pleasing as I hoped but on a similar note, all of the stuff I'm doing now are parts of a whole piece I'm slowly constructing, which in this sense is my future. I believe that everything happens for a reason and everything has its own purpose. I just started thinking that way again a couple of weeks ago after an unusually good conversation I had with one of my room mates. I'm pretty sure this planner's purpose and reason is for my future self's use of jotting down notes and to-do's. The tough time I'm going through now, I'm not quite certain what purpose or reason it'll serve.

No use in frustrating over now. soon this too will pass. soon i'll understand.

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 12:13:00 +0000

Funny how heartbreak stories are all actually the same story happening over and over again only with different actors playing the same parts.

senseless nonsense taken with a sip of solitude

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 05:41:00 +0000

It's 12:29 in the afternoon and I'm alone at the condo with a lot of stuff to do. I'm choosing to procrastinate... for a couple of minutes. I downloaded a documentary entitled Life in a Day a few days back and it finished downloading while I was at the coffee shop at the lobby of my condo. The film basically is a compilation of many clips from people all over the world which were all shot on the 24th of July 2010. The concept behind it is the idea of preserving and making a time capsule in the form of a film to show future generations what life, as we know it, is today from many and different perspectives.

I was able to discern tons of thoughts, realizations, epiphanies after browsing through the documentary. thoughts like what if we're all actually in this journey, a lot of people use that as a metaphor for life but let me finish. What if where we are now is just one of the pit stops. Okay I'm not talking about heaven or hell or anything about religion. What I'm saying is what if somewhere somehow beyond the boundaries of time and space thousands of other worlds or Earths exist and we're just hopping from one destination to another...

but if that were real what is the point right? what is the point of having to go through all of these destinations? Funny. It's equivalent to fishing for the primordial question, what the point of life is. I don't know. I don't think anyone right here, in this pit stop really knows. Sure we have philosophers, psychologists, doctors, priests, politicians but do any of them really know? The reality is we're all just here. Guessing. And yet there's that overwhelming emotion you get after watching documentaries like Life in A Day that you can't really fully identify. It's I think caused by being able to see beyond your horizon - being able to see that there's actually this bigger picture; like you're this single piece in a humongous puzzle. It's a humbling yet wonderful feeling to know that you're pretty small and pretty insignificant to the entirety of the universe. It's wonderful because it makes you feel that although you don't really know all the answers and you might feel like you're just floating and drifting away, you're not alone, the paradox of being utterly unique and different but at the same time being united by this recognition.

The real challenge is seeing beyond your horizon, empathizing with people, gaining that consciousness that you exist with other individuals, other creatures, other beings. I think just knowing that will make everything fall in place. Just by acknowledging other individual's existence will make you think twice where you throw your trash or ponder whether you steal.

So who cares if evil exists? if peace doesn't prevail? or if it does? we're all equally travelers. we will all leave.
Isn't that just beautiful?

From Boracay with Love

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 13:43:00 +0000

So what we get drunk
So what we smoke weed
We're just having fun
We don't care who sees
So what we go out
That's how it's supposed to be
Living young and wild and free

It's our last night in Boracay and that's the theme song my friends and I have for our entire trip. It's funny how we managed to make this trip push through. I'm sure none of us regret going not just because we're in fucking Boracay but also because we know this is as good as it can get right now. Pretty soon we'll be facing big time decisions and we're not going to be as free to live as reckless and spontaneous as we want. It's my first time to be here and it's just magical. The beach is breathtaking, the people are warm, the food is amazing, and the sunset... man, don't even get me started.

What I find really mind blowing here besides the sunset is how normal it is to bump into people you know. During the entirety of our stay I managed to bump into 2 people. The first one was a high school friend who I later spent time catching up with and the second was an org mate. What's even more mind blowing is meeting random strangers and actually connecting. Last night we met this girl from Melbourne and his friend who hails from as far west as Canada. We spent the night, crazy as it might sound, swimming and staring at the stars. How we were brought together would be what people often call fate or destiny. I'd like to think it's some sort of ambiguous force that just strings people's lives together. Fate and Destiny are huge words. Random thought but the vagueness of these words just stop you from actually understanding what they really try to mean. Maybe this force is also what brought us friends together. Maybe it's what pushed us to go here as well. Maybe it's what's keeping us together till now.

Questions are popping out of my head right now. There're really trivial ones and immensely big ones like what should I wear tonight, what time should we leave to ride the RORO in time, and will I ever feel as free as I am now?

I'll let you know if I get some answers.

Word Depression Process

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 07:29:00 +0000

Fragmented thoughts

Unfinished sentences

No need for punctuations

All mistaken tenses

No unity of context

Lost in heavy transit

Going beyond the margins

Through emotional deficits

No signs of an ending

Can't remember the beginning

No term for this illness

But word depression process

MALIIT TITI NI RUSSEL.

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 20:53:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 16:02:00 +0000

Good point.

Slap.

Reasons.

Questions.

Contemplation.

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 10:14:00 +0000

Meaningless attachments
Loose ends hoping to connect
Time's crucial
It's both the aid and the enemy
It's an excruciating phase
Quite pointless
Frustrating
You can't look for something that isn't there
It won't be found

Vaccine Shot

noreply@blogger.com (she) — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 14:15:00 +0000

Currently at Holly's Coffee trying to force myself to read Discipline and Punishment for my Greatwks class.

I feel peaceful. The kind of peace you feel after a storm. Stuff happened and it's only now that I get the time to actually rationalize everything from the start to the finish, from the events that occurred, to the actions that followed, to everything in between. As I said before I'm at the complex equilibrium. Things have changed and it takes some getting used to.

I'm starting to find my own company bearable again. All of a sudden I can again just sulk around in a corner and procrastinate like there's no tomorrow. I'm tired after all that's been done. I feel like I'm recovering from something and it's quite funny because when I think about it I can't actually recover from something I never went through. Like when you're ill, you can't go through the recovery process if you were never sick in the the first place.

Maybe I got the illness but I never got it diagnosed... could be, but it sounds too assuming.

Hmm... Maybe... Maybe I was never ill but instead these events were a vaccine shot.

and maybe that's the reason why I feel weak now because when you get a vaccine shot, you're immune system's being prepped by a weaker version of the virus so that when the actual virus comes in some way your system's going to know what measures to take. That sounds sensible. So in comparison to my current state of solace maybe it can be said that this whole drama's just notches lower from the gravity of the drama I'll be facing in the future.

I hope this vaccine proves its worth. It's not easy to be all worked up about something that will only be leaving you hanging in the end.

I hope it proves its worth and prepare me for the real illness that's waiting for me. whatever it is.

Sorry. This is me rationalizing everything. Not so much effective in rationalizing huh?