She She

Happy 4th Birthday, Paddycakes!

2010-03-23T09:44:00.001-04:00

From this:

To this:

What a sweet face. We love you!

Hold the PB&J

2010-03-08T11:39:00.002-05:00

Owen had a food challenge this morning. We were so sure that he wouldn't be allergic anymore, but we were wrong. After the first tiny dab of peanut butter was put on his lip, he started to get an itchy mouth. Poor kid. We're disappointed. At the same time, now we know for sure that he's allergic.

Check It Out

2010-03-02T11:57:00.000-05:00

Wednesday Day Book

2010-02-10T08:29:00.003-05:00

For Today ~ February 10, 2010

Outside my window... gray, cold, February.

I am thinking... that I'm glad I chose a sick kid over going to work today. Sometimes I don't.

I am thankful for... kids who can finally run to the bathroom when they need to be sick.

From the kitchen... salmon.

I am wearing... pajamas.

I am reading... The Enchantress of Florence. Finally decided it was time to read some Rushdie. I'm enjoying it.

In my ears... the Tobolowsky Files. What a great find.

I am hoping... that health finds us soon.

I am creating... the habit of not procrastinating. It feels good to be able to take care of business.

I am hearing... Sid the Science Kid, and Patrick who just asked me, "Mama, what does groove mean?".

Around the house... it's manageable chaos.

One of my favorite things... is the way Patrick puts his hand inside my sleeve and holds onto my arm.

A few plans for the rest of the week... work, doctor's appointment, cleaning.

Here is a picture I am sharing with you...

Owen, a million years ago.

Friday Verse

2010-02-05T09:40:00.002-05:00

Thanks
by W. S. Merwin

Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water thanking it
smiling by the windows looking out
in our directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks we are saying thank you
in the faces of the officials and the rich
and of all who will never change
we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

Wednesday Day Book

2010-02-03T13:25:00.006-05:00

For Today ~ February 3, 2010

Outside my window... not so bad, not so bad.

I am thinking... that I really don't like winter anymore. I don't enjoy it. I tolerate it.

I am thankful for... crockpots, coffee, my iPod and pharmaceuticals.

From the kitchen... leftovers.

I am wearing... jeans, black turtleneck, wool sweater, bicurious shoes.

I am reading... Lighthousekeeping by Jeanette Winterson.

In my ears... Open Source with Christopher Lydon. He's a treasure.

I am hoping... that we're able to do something fun with the kids this weekend.

I am creating... order.

I am hearing... Chris Lydon.

Around the house... it's chaos.

One of my favorite things... waking up and then going back to sleep for 10 minutes.

A few plans for the rest of the week... work, making Valentines.

Here is a picture I am sharing with you...

Patrick, May 2008. What a face.

Friday Verse

2010-01-29T08:03:00.000-05:00

This Is Just To Say
by William Carlos Williams

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Blessed is the Peacemaker

2010-01-28T11:18:00.006-05:00

When the kids are being particularly wild, I sometimes quote Robert Duvall from the movie The Apostle. Gimme peace!

Last night, Patrick was exercising his considerable will by refusing to get ready for bed so I made my exclamation.

Gimme peace!

Before bed, Nora handed me this note.

My girl. The peacemaker.

Wednesday Day Book

2010-01-27T09:06:00.005-05:00

For Today ~ January 27, 2010

Outside my window... our false spring appears to be over. Snow, gray, cold.

I am thinking... about how Patrick is such a contradiction. He can be a major pain in the arse in the way three years olds are, and then he can be so helpful and loving.

I am thankful for... Patrick's cooperation on this busy, busy morning.

From the kitchen... turkey meatloaf pie and corn.

I am wearing... the same old uniform.

I am reading... Time and Again by Jack Finney. It's a fun read.

In my ears... Selected Shorts and To The Best of Our Knowledge.

I am hoping... that we can try to figure out a way for me to reduce my hours at work or get a part-time job somewhere else. I feel guilty saying it, but I'd like a little break.

I am creating... a life I can feel I fit into.

I am hearing... the CFO.

Around the house... we're okay.

One of my favorite things... clean clothes that fit.

A few plans for the rest of the week... work, maybe looking at a house, a play date for Nora with her BFF, a kid birthday party.

Here is a picture I am sharing with you...

A roadside mailbox on River Road in Middlesex, Vt., is surrounded by river ice after meltwater flooding caused the Winooski River to flow out of its banks, Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2010. (Vermont Daily News/Alden Pellett)

The Art of Medicine

2010-01-26T10:03:00.005-05:00

Last week, Tim and I took Owen to the allergist again for what we thought would be more skin tests to see if he was still allergic to peanuts and tree nuts (a yearly ritual). Our allergist is a bright and compassionate woman, but I have to admit that her office feels a little like a puppy mill where instead of churning out feeble puppies, they churn out kids who think they're allergic to certain foods. Even this kind doctor would be the first to admit that blood and skin tests can only tell you so much. They are not definitive and can often show false positives. The only way to tell for sure if someone is allergic to a food is to do what's called a "food challenge". In other words, eat the food and see what happens. (Do this at your doctor's office. Don't try this at home, kids.)

Owen had his first reaction almost 8 years ago. Since then he's had, we think, two other reactions. One to walnuts and one to pine nuts (which he had been eating for years in pesto before he threw up that one time). The reaction for which I called the ambulance our allergist thinks now may have been a choking reaction.

Because Owen's blood tests and skin tests have never matched, and because he's had so few reactions in the past and none in the past 5 years, our allergist thought it would be time to do a food challenge, and we agreed. It's scheduled for the first week in March.

I'm trying not to think about it too much. I don't want to get my hopes up that Owen is no longer allergic to peanuts. The thought of what this might mean for him is too much to consider. No more segregation at the peanut table, no more bringing his own treat to kids' birthday parties because he can't eat the cake, the possibility that we may let him go to sleepaway camp (and college -- kidding... sort of). I'm holding in my sigh of relief until March. I don't want to dream it through to the end, but I hope. I hope. I hope.

****************

I went to see my new, lovely, friendly psychiatrist yesterday and started my regimen last night. If this works, it will be worth every out-of-pocket penny I paid her (all 15,000 of them).

I love modern science.

Friday Verse

2010-01-22T09:43:00.002-05:00

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn't know what to do!
So she gave them some broth without any bread,
And she whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed!

My Daily Rue

2010-01-21T10:46:00.007-05:00

For the past six months or so I've been feeling, as my friend Carole used to say, off my feed. Kind of like Blake's sorrow and joy, but heavy on the sorrow, light on the joy. And anxiety, but I don't think he wrote a poem about that.

I've been thinking about seeking pharmaceutical assistance. I spoke to a psychiatrist I work with about it. (I was a little concerned about boundaries, but he's a nice guy who I knew would want to help.) I told him the truth. It's just a little garden variety depression, nothing exotic or difficult. At least that's what I think it is. Sometimes I do wonder if there's a diagnostic code for "losing one's shit".

Unfortunately, if you do find a psychiatrist in this state who takes your insurance, you can bet that they're not accepting patients. Unless you're willing to pay cash, of course. That seems to open the door.

For the past week, I've been waking up in the morning with an aching face. My first thought, logically, was face cancer. Then I realized that I've probably been clenching my jaw in my sleep. I don't know how this symptom fits in anywhere, but there it is. Along with constantly being near tears and feeling overwhelmed and trapped and.... is this just life? If it is, I don't know how other people do it.

On a good note, I seem to have found an effective strategy for dealing with Patrick's dragging his feet in the morning (where effective strategy means it's worked twice). When I ask him to get dressed, I've been getting a lot of I can't do it! and I don't know how to put my socks on! and No!

Today I told him that I was going to wait in the car for him, and he could join me when he was dressed and ready to go. Five minutes later, he climbed in and was the most pleasant travel companion all the way to school.

Wednesay Day Book

2010-01-20T07:44:00.003-05:00

For Today ~ January 20, 2010

Outside my window... gray and cold.

I am thinking... that there's nothing like a leaky diaper to drag you out of bed at 5 in the morning (Patrick's, not mine). Also, Massachusetts, I thought I knew you. Such a bummer, but really not such a surprise. Let the blaming begin!

I am thankful for... Tim making good coffee before I get out of bed.

From the kitchen... leftovers -- cabbage and tomatoes, Thai chicken and squash soup.

I am wearing... clothes that I'm going to change out of shortly. Ever have those days when your clothes just don't fit?

I am reading... Still plugging away at Somewhere Towards the End by Diana Athill. Still lovely.

In my ears... Just finished Under the Dome by Stephen King. Thank god it's over. I couldn't take any more crazy, evil people putting me to sleep at night. Next up: a refresher in Positive Discipline.

I am hoping... for a break.

I am creating... slow steps.

I am hearing... my geriatric dishwasher.

Around the house... we're keeping it together.

One of my favorite things... checking things off my to-do list. It's a small thing, but I'll take it.

A few plans for the rest of the week... work, work, work, blah, blah, blah. Also, thinking about looking for a new house.

Here is a picture I am sharing with you...

One of my favorite places to be. In a library, reading to my brood.

Gifts

2010-01-19T11:26:00.007-05:00

Patrick hasn't quite gotten the concept of hide and seek yet although he loves to play. His version has me counting to ten (slower, Mama!) before I go to look for him. He's not the quietest mouse so I usually know which room he's chosen to hide in. I'll play at looking in other rooms, behind furniture where I know he isn't. Eventually I'll go toward his hiding place, at which point he'll jump out and say, "Here I am!"

Likewise, he doesn't quite get the surprise part of surprise party. "I hid your present! Come see where I hid your present! I'm not supposed to tell you we're having cake!"

Patrick gave me two of his favorite stuffed animals, an almost empty box of candy and a tennis ball, all wrapped in Christmas paper and sealed with ten yards of tape and many staples.

Yesterday I turned 44, and I don't know if it's the weather and the season, the fact that some fool Brit deemed my birthday the most depressing day of the year, or the fact that I'm just an old mom, but I've been having a hard time with this mothering thing lately. Especially with Patrick. My patience and joy is running low and I just feel that I'm doing it all wrong. So the real gift to me yesterday was that Patrick was in such a joyful place. It was contagious, if only for a little while.

Dinner Conversation Chez She She

2010-01-18T13:17:00.005-05:00

Nora says, What if I hung up my stocking, and the Martin Luther King, Jr. kangaroo came and gave me an iPod Touch and other synonyms... (collapses in laughter) I have NO idea what that even means!

Friday Verse

2010-01-15T10:22:00.003-05:00

Testament
by Félix Morisseau-Leroy

When I die, make me a beautiful wake
I'm going neither to paradise nor hell
Don't be scared of talking latin to my head

When I die, bury me in the yard
Gather all my friends, make a big feast
Don't go past the church with my corpse

When I die, everyone should really get it on
Laugh, sing, dance, tell jokes
Don't be sappy, yell into my ear

I won't altogether be done when I'm dead;
All the places where there were great bashes,
Where people were free - they'll remember me.

- Translated from Haitian Creole by Jack Hirschman and Boadiba

Wednesday Day Book

2010-01-13T12:56:00.011-05:00

For Today ~ January 13, 2010

Outside my window... gray, cold and snowing.

I am thinking... how nice it would be to only work 4 days a week.

I am thankful for... good finds at the Goodwill.

From the kitchen... I'm on duty for cooking dinner tonight.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I am wearing... sneakers, gym shorts, t-shirt, sports bra.

I am reading... Somewhere Towards the End by Diana Athill. Lovely. I wish I knew her. And I hope I have as much grace at the end of my life, but it's unlikely.

In my ears... Under the Dome by Stephen King. A total impulse purchase. His characters are so broad it's a little hard to take, but I'm getting hooked. I have a strange affection for Stephen King.

I am hoping... I can quiet the chatter in my head, at least a little bit.

I am creating... the habit of paying attention. It's harder than you'd think.

I am hearing... a weird, unhealthy humming coming from my computer.

Around the house... we're considering re-doing a downstairs room for our bedroom and leaving the kids to themselves upstairs. This would involve knocking down a wall and tearing out closets. First, we have to figure out if the wall is one that holds up the house. Good to know.

One of my favorite things... Patrick has started going to sleep in his own bed. Even though he doesn't stay the whole night and even though I still have to lay down with him until he falls asleep, it's progress.

A few plans for the rest of the week... work, work, work, blah, blah, blah. Also, checking out a new preschool for Patrick as our current preschool is probably losing their space this summer.

Here is a picture I am sharing with you...

Patrick during the last big snowfall.

Soft

2010-01-12T09:40:00.002-05:00

Now I know.
I can never again read The Giving Tree
to Patrick.

Mama, why you crying?

WORD

2010-01-11T10:07:00.003-05:00

Instead of making New Year's resolutions I won't keep, this year I'm jumping on the Interwebs bandwagon and choosing one word to guide me through the year. I've been halfheartedly waiting for it to pop up in my mind, but as usual my mind is a whirlwind of chatter. So instead of my word choosing me, I had to make the choice. And the word is...

Discipline

This is something that's eluded me my whole life. I have mild, sporadic bursts of discipline, but I'm challenged in the stick-to-it department. Or if I were to reframe that in a positive way, you could say I have a lot of enthusiasm for beginnings. It's the middles and the ends I have trouble with. So instead of the strict lose 10, 20, 30 pounds, or drink 8 glasses of water everyday resolutions, I'm choosing a practice that just might work for me. Something vague and unenforceable. So this year... strike that... this month, this week, this day, I'm going to practice discipline. In writing, exercise, and paying attention to my kids. I really have no idea what that means except I'm going to try to do those things every day. It's been two days. So far so good.

Happy Birthday, O!

2010-01-09T11:39:00.002-05:00

Friday Verse

2010-01-08T10:20:00.003-05:00

Growing Up
by Rick Benjamin

One part’s abstract-- listening
to an underground river clearing
its throat in the desert & thinking
about the Yucca tapping their roots

down to those drops-- &
the other part’s a scene
from a movie: waking up
to a pale moon in half-

morning light feeling the tip
of a knife at your throat, and
just before hearing him say,
there’s a scorpion on your neck;
I’m going to flick it into

the fire thinking I guess
this is it, he’s finally going
to do it. On one side
of this is hearing the sharp

sizzle of a scorpion
in flames; on the other
is the rest
of your life.

Aughts

2010-01-07T11:00:00.022-05:00

2000
I finally decide that it's time to fish or cut bait. Just recently decided that, yes, I do want to stay married, I conclude that it's time to have a kid. Even though I'm not entirely sure that I'll be a good mother, or that I want a kid at all. Tim and I visit our friends, Knox & Chas, in San Francisco in April. For the rest of the year, Tim cares for me completely. I feel loved and safe and joyful.

2001
Nine months after our trip to California, Owen debuts on January 9th at 9:33 p.m. How could I have ever thought I didn't want to have a baby? I am full.

2002
We buy a house. It feels like a bigger step to me than having a baby. That fall, we decide that since Owen turned out so well, we'll try for another. In December, Nora begins.

(Check out the wallpaper in our new house. Multiply the hideousness by 7 rooms. You get the picture of what we're up against.)

2003
The house continues to be a bane. Owen continues to amaze us. He has a longer attention span than most adults I know. Speaking of spans, mine increases. Nora arrives (after three days of labor) on September 21 at 3:34 p.m. She's a VBAC, and I feel like a superhero.

2004
My lost year. Post partum depression, the kids' daycare closes and we have to scramble for new spaces, and Nora ends up three towns away from me. I'm sad, and it all seems so hard. I cry more often than not. I think the kids deserve a better mother, another mother, maybe no mother at all. I struggle to see the beauty right in front of me.

2005
With a help of a good therapist, I start to feel better. I move Nora to a daycare in town. In a triumph of hope over experience (and, sometimes, I think, good judgment), we decide to try for another baby. We're ambivalent and give ourselves three months to make it happen before we give up. Patrick sneaks in under the wire in the third month.

2006
Patrick arrives on March 23rd. It's a quick and painful birth, but again I do it without drugs. He looks like a little wrestler. I've learned a few things about babies and about myself. When the baby sleeps, I sleep. Screw the laundry. PPD does not come knocking this time. Owen starts kindergarten.

2007
I discover yoga. I love it. Tim's well. Owen's well. Nora's well. Patrick's well. I'm well. The house.... well, the house is the house. A good year.

2008
Patrick is weaned. My last. I'll miss having and feeding babies more than I could have imagined. But I'm done. Sigh.
The summer is all about the Vineyard.

The fall is all about Obama.

2009
Nora starts kindergarten and is READY TO GO. Owen gets a new teacher this year (thank you, jehovah). Patrick becomes a tiger and leaves daytime diapers behind him (again, thank you, jehovah). It hasn't been the best year, but it hasn't been the worst. I start to feel old. And tired. And big. But I have more tools in my toolbag than I ever did. I'm looking forward to a better year in 2010.

Aughts image from Justin Crow.

Wednesday Day Book

2010-01-06T10:43:00.005-05:00

For Today ~ January 6, 2010

Outside my window... gray and cold.

I am thinking... that Owen is going to be 9 years old this Saturday. St. Ignatius said, "Give me a boy at the age of seven and I'll have him for life." Now that he's half way through his tenure with us, I wonder if we're doing right by Owen.

I am thankful for... good book recommendations.

From the kitchen... chicken slop in a crock pot. You don't really want to know what's in it.

I am wearing... black boots, homemade green skirt, black twin set, red cardigan. Not enough. It's freezing in my office.

I am reading... Faceless Killers by Henning Mankell. It's fine, but a little barren after the lovely and luscious Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann.

In my ears... The Moth. Sometimes it's quite good.

I am hoping... that I can be a better daughter. My mother is visiting and it's been a challenge for me to keep it tucked in. Some trips are easier than others. She's going home tomorrow so I'm sure my daughtering will improve then. I wonder if I'll drive Nora as crazy as my mother drives me. Of course I will.

I am creating... deeper breaths.

I am hearing... Elvis Mitchell.

Around the house... a mess of blocks and Nerf darts.

One of my favorite things... egg, cheese and chicken sausage sandwich on a Portuguese roll from City Market. Diet? Hmmm? What?

A few plans for the rest of the week... taking down the tree and packing away Christmas. And vacuuming up 5,000 pine needles.

Here is a picture I am sharing with you...

Owen turned me on to this. Now he wants a camera so he can make movies. We're thinking about it. Any suggestions for a budding filmmaker?

Boston

2010-01-06T10:26:00.003-05:00

I miss the enforced isolation that living in a city brings. In my twenties, I might have called it loneliness. Now I'd call it peace.

Oh, Rumi

2010-01-05T10:16:00.001-05:00

It is your turn now,
you waited, you were patient.
The time has come,
for us to polish you.
We will transform your inner pearl
into a house of fire.
You're a gold mine.
Did you know that,
hidden in the dirt of the earth?
It is your turn now,
to be placed in fire.
Let us cremate your impurities.