Hi Folks,

Just to let you know that Sheila-M is currently recording an album.

The name of this album is yet to be unveiled!!

It will include “Taste of you”, “The Forest”, “Free to be me” amongst other of her origional work.

To pre-order a copy contact Sheila-M.

Sheila-M Is Recording an Album is a post from: Female Irish Comedian Sheila-M

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Parody can be defined as an imitation of the style of a particular artist with intentional embellishment for a comic effect and is one of my favourite forms of comedy. I have also recently been developing a new character for my show called “Hillbilly Lilly”. In this performance I had the opportunity to combine both of them in my parody of the song “Achy Breaky Heart” by American country singer songwriter William “Billy” Ray Cyrus.

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My Achy Breaky Transcription

Sheila: Yehaaaaaa! (As Sheila turns on the “Achy Breaky Heart” track as backing music.)

Audience: Wooo hoooo!

Sheila: Come on folks, let’s get into it! Oh yeah!

Audience: Starts clapping to the rhythm of the song and throughout the performance the audience has outburst of laughter.

Sheila Sings:

Now you can tell the world,
I never was your girl,
but I was your first cousin once removed!

And you can tell your friends,
How you couldn’t get it in,
Even after Viagra had been used!

And you can have the farm,
Cause I’m so darn,
Waking up from my sleep!

To do all the jobs,
While you play with your knob,
And I know you’ve been shagging those sheep!

But don’t sell my ass,
My achy shaky ass,
The donkey he’s done nothing wrong!

And if you sell my ass,
My achy shaky ass,
I swear I’ll choke you with my thong!

Sheila Adlibs: Woooooowwwww! I will do that, I will choke you Jimboy with my thong! Oh yeah! Would you like that Peter (A friend in the audience)? Would you like to have a look at my thong? You sick son of a bitch! You’re just like my husband, aren’t ya? Oh yeah!

Sheila Sings:

Now you can tell your ma,
I burn off with ya pa,
Cause he’s much more of a man!

I’m gonna be his wife,
And start a new life,
In his brand new caravan!

And he fulfils my needs,
Instead of smoking weed,
Maybe one day you might choke!

Why don’t you smoke it in the barn,
Or do some self harm,
Or let the bull give you a poke!

But don’t sell my ass,
My achy shaky ass,
The donkey is just too old!

And if you sell my ass,
My achy shaky ass,
I swear I’ll kick you up the oooohooooooooooh!

Sheila Adlibs: Say Jimboy! He got to tell them dirty rotten words and I don’t like that at all! Well, you know I’m looking for a new husband tonight? Are you tempted? You are, aren’t ya! Woooooo!

Sheila Sings:

And I won’t take it up the ass,
I’ll eat no more grass,
Cause I just can’t taste it any more!

Now what do I do,
I don’t want a screw,
You and your sister anymore!

But you can kiss this ass,
This darn fine ass,
Cause I ain’t givin it to you!

Cause you’re a liar,
And I’m so tired,
Of cleaning up your pooooooooooooowww!

Sheila Adlibs: Come on Peter, I know you want to dance with me! Come on up here boy! Don’t be shy! Come on, put your hands together folks! Oh yes, come on, let’s get, let’s get your legs up!

Oh yeah! Wooowooow! Oh yeah! I’m gonna get rid of my husband! Would you move into my caravan with me? Would you have sex with me nowwww! Happy to have sheep in our bedroom? You’ve got fluffy hair like a sheeeeep! Wowwww! Give a big round of applause!

Audience: Lots of applause and cheers!

Sheila: Thank you very much folks!

My Achy Breaky Heart Lyrics Video! Parody Comedy by Stand Up Comedian Sheila-M! is a post from: Female Irish Comedian Sheila-M

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You know what I mean when I talk about those natural, unplanned moments in life which are simply hilarious. This short video clip captures one of those hilarious moments whilst I start to perform a song on stage. Take a look at this “off the cuff”, improv comedy moment.

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** Read below to find out what Richard did! **

What Are You Doing Richard? An Hilarious Moment! Off The Cuff Improv Comedy! – Audio Transcription

Sheila: Ok! I’m gonna give this one a lash, this is another, er new one. And, and I tink it’s a very, er beautiful song. A song called Heaven by Brian Adams. And, yeah, I think it’s really nice. I’m gonna do the Sammy Version of it, DJ (as Sheila-M motions with her hands) huh. No, not like that! Err, so yeah, I’m donna give it a lash! Right away folks, just so you know, the more you drink, the better I get!

Audience: Lots of laughs.

Sheila: Oh dear, maybe I should wait til later on tonight to do this song! ok! Ohh, thinking about our younger years. There was only you and me. We were, what are you doing Richard?

Audience: Lots and lots of laughs!

Sheila: Laugh! What, are you doing?

Audience: Lots and lots and lots of laughs!

Sheila: Err, laughs and stumbles over her words.

Audience: Continues laughing!

Sheila: Look! If you want to shag me, will you at least wait til the break (looking at her wrist watch)! Fecking ell (laughing and strumming guitar)!

Audience: Lots of laughs!

What Richard Did!

So, what do you think Richard was doing? Well, I suppose I have to tell you now you’ve watched the video!

Just before I started to sing, I had dropped some music sheets on the floor. Well, Richard the cameraman decided to do something about it. He waited until I started to sing, assuming that as I was professional, which I am of course, and would continue to sing. Well, he was wrong! I cannot resist a funny moment. Richard went down below the camera level, crouching on both feet and waddled across the floor to put the music sheets back on the stand below me. He then waddled back below the camera to carry on his work. He looked a bit like a waddling duck. It was so funny! And he did it without being seen in the camera!

What Are You Doing Richard? an Hilarious Moment! Off the Cuff Improv Comedy! is a post from: Female Irish Comedian Sheila-M

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As part of my Sheila-M show I sometimes get people to come up on stage to participate in a small dance competition. Sometimes it can lead to some funny situations. Take a look at my “off the cuff” stand-up comedy.

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Keith Getting Ready To Dance On Stage Minus A Bunch Of Keys! – Audio Transcription

Sheila: Ok Keith! Are you ready?

Keith: He prepares to dance by taking a big bunch of keys out of his pocket and drops them on the stage!

Sheila: Fecking hell! What else have you got in your pockets?

Audience: Lots of laughs!

Sheila: What’s up with the bunch of keys!

Sheila: Looks down at the bunch of keys and looks at the audience: How many fecking keys do you need?

Audience: Lots of laughs!

Sheila: No wonder blokes have trousers that hang down to thier arses! It’s the weight of the keys!

Audience: Lots of laughs and Keith smiles and pulls up his trousers!

Sheila: I always wondered why? (audience still laughing)

Keith Getting Ready to Dance on Stage Minus a Bunch of Keys! is a post from: Female Irish Comedian Sheila-M

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Have you ever made a phone call and got one of those answer machine messages? I work as a therapist and went to get some help from the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists) and got their helpline. I’m sharing the experience of what they said with the audience.

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Psychotherapy Helpline – Audio Transcription

Sheila: Hey folks, I did mention earlier on that, yes I do work as a therapist. And err, there was a thing called “The Psychotherapy Helpline”. So I decided to ring it up and I got the answer machine. And it went like this. Hello and welcome to the psychotherapy helpline. If you are an obsessive compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly, at 5 second intervals.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: If you are co-dependant, please ask your partner to press 2 for you.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: If you are schizophrenic, a little voice inside your head will tell you which number to press.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: We will trace the call and get back to you.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: Was it that scary? I heard you go oh, oh, oh (looking at someone in the audience).

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: Manic depressives, press all the numbers at once, you may as well, cus no one will answer anyway.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: Addictives press hash.

Audience: A few laughs and groans.

Sheila: That’s for you Matt.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: Delusionists press star.

Audience: Laughs.

Man In Audience: Press Sober.

Sheila: Sober? Is there a number for it? Maybe on your phone. Phobics don’t press anything!

Audience: A few laughs and groans.

Sheila: And for all of you who are anal retentive, please hold.

Audience: Lots and lots of laughs.

Link to: British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists

Psychotherapy Comedy Helpline – Sheila-M Top Stand-Up Comedy Online is a post from: Female Irish Comedian Sheila-M

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“Free To Be Me” is definitely one of my favourites. I wrote this at the end of my counselling training when I realised I loved myself unconditionally and can do anything. This song is all about not worrying what other people think of you and just going for it, whatever the “it” is.

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Time: 2.57

Note: Sheila-M may change the words and/or the order of words when singing live.

Lyrics:

I saw the light,
and it was shinning.
Shinning bright,
into my eyes.
And it was right,
and I believed it.
No end in sight.
I will continue on and on and on.
On and on and on.

So you see,
it’s there in-front of me.
I can see it cause I believe,
I’m free to be me.
And its there,
the love I want to share.
No more hiding cause I’m not scarred,
I’m free to be me.

So I’m here,
in the moment.
No rest for me,
cause there’s no turning back.
And here’s the deal,
I’m going to own it.
And face my fears.
So I can continue on and on and on.
On and on and on.

So you see,
it’s there in-front of me.
I can see it cause I believe,
I’m free to be me.
And its there,
the love I want to share.
No more hiding cause I’m not scarred,
I’m free to be me.

Instrumental break

So you see,
it’s there in-front of me.
I can see it cause I believe,
I’m free to be me.
And its there,
the love I want to share.
No more hiding cause I’m not scarred,
I’m free to be me.

I’m free to be me.

Free to Be Me – Soft Rock Songs by Acoustic Guitar Player, Female Singer Songwriter Sheila-M is a post from: Female Irish Comedian Sheila-M

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“The Real Me” is about a musician I worked with and fell in love with. At that time I was insecure and I only showed him the fun side of me. I was scarred if he saw the vulnerable side of me that he wouldn’t want to know.

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Time: 2.32

Note: Sheila-M may change the words and/or the order of words when singing live.

Lyrics:

Feeling, so open, I just don’t,
want to hurt again.
Do I, open out my arms,
or do we stay friends?

But if you see, the real me,
would I scar you away?
I get insecure, so unsure,
and I can change day by day.
Is that ok? Is that ok yeah yeah?
Is that ok? Is that ok?

So listen, what do I do now,
cause I want to run, and I want to hide.
If we seize the day, will we be ok,
we won’t know, if we don’t try.

But if you see, the real me,
would I scar you away?
I get insecure, so unsure,
and I can change day by day.
Is that ok? Is that ok yeah yeah?
Is that ok? Is that ok yeah yeah? Is that ok?

Cause you don’t see, the real me, no no.
And if you do see, the real me would you go?

The Real Me – Acoustic Guitar Songs, Soft Rock Music by Singer Songwriter Sheila-M is a post from: Female Irish Comedian Sheila-M

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“Taste Of You” is about an ex-boyfriend of mine who I was smitten with at the time. I was around 25 when I wrote this and it’s a song for anybody in love.

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Time: 2.03

Note: Sheila-M may change the words and/or the order of words when singing live.

Lyrics:

Two, Three, Four.

Just a taste of you,
it was something new,
but I knew I wanted more.

Never felt so high,
never felt so shy,
I never felt so adored.

And now I know you’ve taken me,
taken me away.
When I’ve always been on my own,
just living alone everyday.

Just a taste of you,
it was something new,
but I knew I wanted more.

Never felt so shy,
never felt so high,
I never felt so adored.

And I can’t believe this is happening,
happening to me.
When being with you is magical,
it’s like living in ecstasy.

Just a taste of you,
it was something new,
but I knew I wanted more.

Never felt so shy,
never felt so high,
I never felt so adored.

Got a taste of you.
Got a taste of you.
Got a taste of you.

Taste of You – Acoustic Guitar Songs, Soft Rock Music by Singer Songwriter Sheila-M is a post from: Female Irish Comedian Sheila-M

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Have you ever thought about having a funeral with a difference? How about an Irish Karaoke Funeral?

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Irish Karaoke Funeral Comedy – Audio Transcription

Sheila-M: Folks, no word of a lie, the last time back in Ireland I was listening to the radio when I was driving up to Dublin. And I heard this DJ talking, and I tell you, I thought I was hearing things. They’ve introduced Karaoke as part of Irish funerals. Honestly, I am not telling fibs, right. What they do is, it’s basically like to commemorate a person. So they might sing a song like “You’ll Never Walk Alone”, or something like that. But it kind of got me thinking that, what would be a really inappropriate song to play at a funeral?

And I was thinking, “Knock On Wood” – Sheila sings “Knock, knock, knock on wood” – she’s still alive, you know! Another would be “Take My Breath Away”, “I just Died In Your Arms Tonight”, and then you could finish off by, it would be either, “Stairway To Heaven”, or “Highway To Hell”. And what if it was a cremation, I thought of you Ian, “Burn Baby Burn”, I was thinking of you, yeah.

Sheila-M: Do any of you have any songs that you think would be inappropriate to play at a funeral? Stella, what?

Stella: “Come On Baby Light My Fire”.

Sheila-M: “Come On Baby Light My Fire”, I like it! What else, any other takers? Peter!

Peter: “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life”.

Sheila-M: “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life” – Sheila whistles after singing the words. Did I here someone say “Another One Bites The Dust”? Very good Alison, excellent! Any other takers?

Ian: “Down Down”.

Sheila-M: “Down Down”?, No that’s what you probably sing late at night, when you pick up a woman from a night club but we don’t want to know about that!

Irish Karaoke Funeral Comedy is a post from: Female Irish Comedian Sheila-M

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Have you ever wondered what is in a woman’s handbag? Well, I reveal (almost) all in this video!

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What’s In My Bag – Audio Transcription

Sheila-M: Ok folks, I’ve got a little bit of a treat. This is especially for the men in the audience.

Audience: Cheers

Sheila-M: I’m not going to take my clothes off.

Audience: Ohh.

Sheila-M: Oh good, I’ve done that before and got “Yay”. Thanks a lot for that! But no, what I have done is brought in my handbag, to show you what women carry in their handbags. David, you’re curious aren’t you? You’re curious you, aren’t you? Who else is curious? Peter, are you curious? So are you, Jesus, what have you done to your handbag? Bloody hell! You’re probably used to people checking it at the jail cells.

Sue: Only condoms.

Sheila-M: Only condoms. Thanks, thanks for that! If you need any condoms tonight, Sue has, has.

Sue: I’m selling them.

Sheila-M: She’s selling them. Only for a pound? Is that so?

Neville: Has she got extra large?

Audience & Sheila: Laughter!

Sheila-M: Neville wants to know if you’ve got any extra large condoms.

Sue: You wish!

Audience: A lot of commotion.

Sheila-M: Hold on, hold on! Phew! There’s a real smell of bull (Sheila-M waves hand as if to waft a smell away), coming from over there.

Audience: A lot of commotion and laughter.

Sheila-M: I didn’t say hung like a bull, I meant bull shite, ok! Anyway, folks (Sheila-M picks up her bag), I’ve brought in my handbag! I think it’s very fitting for this environment actually. If you’ve noticed, there’s a bit of a cow theme going on (holding her bag made of cows hide with black and white patches). You see, the thing is, is that Daisy wasn’t milking very well on the farm. So it’s.

Audience: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (loudly with sympathy for the cow)!

Sheila-M: Now that’s just a bit over the top Vicki. Ohh is ok but the ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, sounds like you’re in pain. A bit like what Daisy was.

Neville’s wife: What do you expect? That is true, you are married to Nev and you do have my condolences! Um, but yes, Daisy wasn’t milking very well so we thought, you know, that we’d give her the old bullet and we’d, we’d you know, commend her by making a handbag out of her skin!

Audience: Oh and whey

Sheila-M: Yea, it’s true, and we had a little bit left so we thought that we’d make a pair of slippers as well

Audience: Laughs and groans!!!

Sheila-M: But we only had enough skin for one which really isn’t really any good unless you’re Heather Mills

Audience: Lots of groans!!!

Sheila-M: Ok, right, now. Folks, here’s a little tip for you right. When you’re inside the nightclub and you’re trying to chat up this woman and she seems like she’s in bad form. Have a look into her handbag. Now, if you find one of these (pulling out a sanitary towel and holding it up), you’ll know why!

Audience: Some light laughs but a bit stunned into silence.

Sheila-M: If you find a sanitary towel, and Neville there’s going what (in a questioning look), but err, I’ve never had sex since I changed them in school. And err the thing about these is if you’re sweating inside the discos (slaps sanitary pad on her forehead), these make great padding, ok? They’re very handy for that sort of thing! Now, if you’re inside the nightclub, now women, you don’t want to be looking desperate tonight. You wanna be busy and you’re other mates may have gotten lucky, and maybe with each other, but anyway. But you don’t want to be looking desperate so you have a fag (pulls out a packet of cigarettes). Right? And if you have it, you can tell how old this box is, if you have a fag you need to have?

Male in audience plus others: A lighter?

Sheila-M: Nooo! You need to have an inhaler (pulls one out from the bag and holds it up)!

Audience: Lots of laughs!

Sheila-M: Cause it doesn’t look very attractive if you start turning blue. So, so, you need, you need to have one of those (drops it on the floor). I’m a bit messy I am. Um yes, Vaseline (pulling out a small tub).

Audience: Laughs!

Sheila-M: It’s very good for the lips (drops tub on floor)!

Audience: Laughs!

Sheila-M: I might hang on to that later. Oh all right (looking into bag and pulling something out). This ur, this actually is, looks like perfume but actually makes great mace. So if you’ve got a fella shacking up and you want to get rid of him, just go sssssss (pretends to spray around neck and in the air in-front of her) ssssss into his eyes! And if he’s wearing glasses, take em off! Ok now ohhh yes (has a little laugh to herself), I do actually have a condom in here (holding one in the air). I forgot I had it. No, you only have one condom. Cause if you’ve more than one condom you’ll look like a right fecking slapper (flicks it on floor)!

Audience: Laughs!

Sheila-M: Now you need a bit of Rohypnol, oh oh sorry, sorry about that (pretends to look embarrassed! Um, yeah, you need, you need a tape recorder (waving it in the air). Ok? Cause when you meet a bloke (laughing and pointing to someone in the audience). When you meet a bloke, and he says to ya, I love ya, come on we’ll go back now and have Jiggy Jiggy (moving her body in a sexual motion). I’ll love ya for ever and ever and ever! Well, a year later, when you’re on the Jeremy Kyle Show and he says, I never saw that slapper in my life! Evidence (holds tape recorder up in the air)!

Audience: Lots of laughs!

Sheila-M: This really stands up in a court of law! Not that I’d know anything about that (puts recorder back in bag)! But, the most important thing that a woman needs in her handbag, do you wanna guess what? Come on folks, what’s the most important thing that a woman needs in her handbag?

Audience: Various suggestions!

Sheila-M: She needs a measuring tap (said enthusiastically as she opens it out above her head)!

Audience: Cheers and laughter!

Sheila-M: Thank you! You see blokes, this is not nine inches (tape measure has been retracted very small)!

Audience: Laughs!

Sheila-M: No, this is not nine inches (extending tape measure a little), nooo, nooo! Nev, nooo (looking over to Neville in audience)! This is not (extends it a little more), this is nine inches (extends it to nine inches)!

Audience: Laughs!

Sheila-M: And it’s worth the wait (laughing and smiling)! I love Susan’s smile, ohhhh yeah! So that is what women carry in their handbags (arms stretched out wide)!

Audience: Lots of cheers, laughter and applause!

What’s in My Bag? Stand Up Comedy is a post from: Female Irish Comedian Sheila-M