Shel Miller, Ph.D.

Avoid the Holiday Blues

Shel — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 23:52:15 +0000

I hope you are all taking the opportunity to enjoy your family and social connections now that you are half way through the year end holidays. This is a fine time to show your family how much you appreciate them no matter how they behave. You are who you are because you act the way you do. So remember to maintain your equanimity, dignity and keep developing your ability to understand and honor your elders and siblings.

Staying Committed: Part 2

Shel — Thu, 29 May 2008 08:16:48 +0000

Key words: leadership communication negotiation parenting commitment coach success work love balance NO

Summary: Success at both work and love enhance each other. The necessary negotiation and communication skills lead to success in both the bedroom and the boardroom. One of the most important skills involves keeping promises, especially the commitment to oneself that comes with the power of a positive “No.” One also needs external feedback to really Know Thyself. It is possible to create an effective and dignified work family integration if not balance. Specific “must” suggestion are offered by the author, an executive, family and divorce coach.

Excerpt:

Just as ―it takes a village to raise a child,‖ it takes a community to maintain a marriage, a family, and a career. In summary:

– 5 – May 29, 2008

 Delegate tasks while you engage in compassionate and appreciative relationships with others.

 Improve your competence evaluating specific requests in relation to your carefully crafted goals.

 Nurture yourself with experiences you find nourishing such as massage, yoga, and romantic weekends away.

 Nurture your loved ones with surprises – something you know they would love to have or do – a special book, a dinner out, a time away from child care responsibilities.

 Navigate formerly hidden emotional vulnerabilities (problems saying “no”, or dealing with conflict without needless guilt) by talking with an executive or marital coach, religious advisor, or trusted friend.

 Increase self-awareness and effective dialogue by listening to the tone of your own voice and listening carefully to others with the kind of attention that increases your awareness of what they need and want. Provide that whenever you can. Say “No” to the rest.

You may download the full paper as a PDF

PART 2 OF 2 – It’s hard to stay a committed couple or boss when there so much screaming! ©

Staying Committed: Part 1

Shel — Thu, 29 May 2008 08:15:17 +0000

To develop these positive moods, one of the highest priorities is creating clear boundary marking. Eliminate chronic struggles over rule making, limit setting and the division of labor. The servant leader needs to be a giver but he/she also really needs another basic skill: the technique of the gracious ―no.‖ Saying ―No‖ is one very important relationship coordinating language skill. It is just as important to serving the other’s needs as when promising ―Yes.‖ An executive, especially, must show solid executive functioning in her use of language.

You may download the full paper as a PDF

PART 1 OF 2 – It’s hard to stay a committed couple or boss when there so much screaming! ©

Executive Coaching Agreement

Shel — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 08:17:54 +0000

Now you can download this consent form right from my website and read it at your leisure. Please sign and bring to next meeting.

Professional-Client Agreement

Shel — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 08:19:37 +0000

Now you can download this consent form right from my website and read it at your leisure. Please sign and bring to next meeting.

Consent Form For Audio and Video

Shel — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 08:20:57 +0000

Now you can download this consent form right from my website and read it at your leisure. Please sign and bring to next meeting.

Relationship Coaching

Shel — Mon, 28 Nov 2005 08:12:49 +0000

Perhaps the most famous face to face coach, (some would say “in your face”), confronting high conflict couples and families is Dr. Phil. Many arrive to the first few coaching sessions with a report of a breakdown in ability to communicate, and a loss of a sense of humor. I know that it will be important to not only stimulate new awareness and

accountability but to inject a few laughs as well. What I also know is that it may take a long time for people to let go of their early learned and deeply ingrained loyalty to the images and voices of one’s extended family. So no matter how much time one may spend practicing new styles or modes of communicating, and laughing about one’s flaws, the bottom line is to give oneself permission to face fear – to move on into an uncertain future. Growing up means listening to one’s own voice and creating one’s own image of relating while the competing voices and images of our models pop up and derail our best intentions. We “can’t communicate” usually translates to I am having trouble communicating with my own self and “I don’t want to know it.”

You may download the full paper as a PDF

The H.A.R.D. Reality of Relationship Coaching©

Changing the Culture of Divorce: A Review

Shel — Thu, 24 Nov 2005 08:10:15 +0000

Following Jung, who said “There is not birth of consciousness without pain, she reminded us that suffering, loss, and death can lead to rebirth? At one of the later convention workshops on Advocacy versus Empathy, reference was made to “the initial trauma of divorce” and the need to wait until people emerge from the shadows in order to be able to fully function under the strictures of the four way agreement and be able to make wise decisions about their future needs in the legal process. Divorce rituals may be the most efficient paths to achieving such an end for those couples struggling through the legal divorce. As we all know the emotional divorce does not easily happen in sync with the legal, economic, and social or community divorce processes.

You may download the full paper as a PDF

Review of Marilyn Beloff, Ph.D. ’s October 21, 2004 Workshop, "Changing the Culture of Divorce: A training in the Use of Healing Ritual" at the Boston Law Collaborative

Trying One’s Patients

Shel — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 08:07:51 +0000

Insight Into a Hospital Stay

The 4 F Model of Divorce

Shel — Mon, 14 Nov 2005 08:04:43 +0000

Here is a useful model for the divorce coach team member who is facilitating a 5-way meeting in the collaborative law approach to divorce. This model dovetails with a set of expectations of ideal conduct appropriate for both attorneys as well as each spouse.

Forgive (what happened in the PAST )

Letting go is always a possibility, even if in the background when not yet ready (relinquish).
Emphasis on kindness and mercy creates a positive energy and attitude.
When from the heart, your forgiving helps you finish to this marital chapter of your life story.
Forgiveness may need to be more the purview of therapy than divorce coaching.

Focus (in the PRESENT with control over one’s emotions). Negotiate sensibly.

Stay on concrete points of fact rather than negative emotions.
Appeal to both your own and your partners strengths; overlook flaws.

Forbearance or forbid (in the PRESENT with control over one’s own MOUTH).

Resisting and showing abstinence, avoidance, endurance, fortitude, living with, moderation, patience, grace, refraining, restraint, self-control, temperance, tolerance.
Learn to say no to oneself and the other.
Circumvent the negative energy

Forge forward (using your left brain and planning your FUTURE)

Partner meetings are dignified business meetings
Fumble free agenda.
Niceness begets niceness.
Healing energy and peace will be created

So lets all work together to facilitate forgiving, focusing, forbidding and forward forging — when possible with a sense of humor. As Billy Crystal and Patch Adams have demonstrated, it can be done with other deaths. And it is possible when dealing with the metaphorical death of divorce. And if you are co-parents then your commitment to co-parenting can be stronger than your commitment was to your marriage!

You may download this file as a PDF