Shelley's Snippets

Morning Run

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 16:40:00 +0000

You'd think they'd wear pants that fit!

Thanks, Tim

Indian Pole Gymnastics

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 20:06:00 +0000

Thanks, Mom

Ballon Time Put A Face On Fun Contest

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 18:47:00 +0000

Go here to vote for my adorable daughter, Maddie. You can vote up to five times a day if you're so inclined. Thank you!

Quizno's Hard Rockin' Cats

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 13:33:00 +0000

I just saw this this morning and thought it was hilarious!

That's My Baby!

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 13:52:00 +0000

I've entered Abby in a cutest baby contest put on by the Fort Worth Star Telegram. Look over there to the right. Isn't she adorable? Go vote for her! Thank you!!

(In case you can't see her picture, click here to vote for her. Thanks again!!)

Don't Make Me Come Up There & Get You!

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 14:11:00 +0000

Thanks, Sheri

Oh, The Irony

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 15:21:00 +0000

Borrowed this from Jonco over at Bits & Pieces. His blog was one of the main reasons I started blogging back in 2007. Boy he's come a long way with that awesome blog of his.

Threw It On The Ground

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:40:00 +0000

This is pretty dang funny.

Thanks, Chance, for posting on Facebook

Facebook Comment

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 17:25:00 +0000

Saw this on Facebook after I completed one of those dumb quizzes.

I'm thinking my luck would be a lot worse if I did what this person suggested.

Dallas Mavericks Maniaacs

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 19:50:00 +0000

Saw these guys this morning on Channel 8 News, and I almost fell out of the chair laughing. Love them!

Summer In Texas - Gotta Love It

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 18:23:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?

At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.

I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon.

I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!!

And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one.

Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, my ass caught fire.

My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:

I’m convinced now that the weather report is a damn recording. Hot and sunny.

Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.

Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?"

My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.

Freaking Texas.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

Best Home Improvement Tool Ever

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 15:52:00 +0000

This cracked me up - so much so that I posted it on both my blogs.

Thanks, Mom

Lemons

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:39:00 +0000

Ad on Yahoo

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:36:00 +0000

This looks odd to me.

Stop Yelling Across The House

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:03:00 +0000

Thanks, Mom

Carnation Milk

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:58:00 +0000

Thanks, Mom

I've Got Everything I Need

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:42:00 +0000

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend and she's a far better lover than you are..'

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck.

'I want the house,' he says insistently..

Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.

85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says. 'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'

Thanks, Sheri

An Old Cowboy's Advice

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:09:00 +0000

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Thanks, Tim

A Woman's Poem

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 19:04:00 +0000

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue..
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

Thanks, Shelly

Furball

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:12:00 +0000

Thanks, Martha

Be Good To Your Nurse

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:04:00 +0000

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon...from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Thanks, Mom

Muscles

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 19:14:00 +0000

Thanks, Martha

Mentally Unbalanced

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 19:11:00 +0000

Thanks, Martha

Never Cheat On A Hillbilly Woman

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 02:15:00 +0000

A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury and cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally whacker in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up hillbilly was terrified, and hollered, "STOP! STOP! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's' hand and said, 'Nope, I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!

Thanks, Peggy

Original Pole Dancer

noreply@blogger.com (Half-Redneck) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 00:30:00 +0000