Shell's blog

How do I stop this crazy thing!!!

2013-04-23T00:30:00.001+10:00

Sitting here, with my brain on overdrive.. Wishing things were different knowing full well that wishing doesn't change anything.. The only thing that can change anything is yours truly. God knows I've tried and tried and failed probably more times than I've tried...I feel like I'm stuck in the loop, I want to get off at the next station and change tracks but I don't know how to stop the train... I know the things I'm meant to eat and most days I try to eat well could definitely do better... Other than work and running after the kids exercise isn't a priority (yes I know) I've made positive changes before but for what reason I will never understand they don't stay permanent no matter how hard I try.. In a lot of ways February next year can't come fast enough but I want it to happen now!! I know I'm the only one with the power, I know I'm the only one who can make it happen but for some reason it feels like everything gets in my way what ever this thing is that has a hold of me it is stronger than me... I don't want advice because quite honestly I'm over advice, everyone has advice and plus i don't think there is anything out there I don't already know and mostly from those who have never been in my shoes... I mean if it was that easy I wouldn't be typing this essay up right now I just want to say how I feel...I'm tired I'm going to bed and when I get up in the morning I am going to try again to eat, move and sleep and maybe even stop the train..

There seems to be a pattern here...

2013-04-20T19:51:00.001+10:00

Looking back on my posts for the last several years, I see a pattern in my ups and downs

Life changing decisions

2013-01-31T12:51:00.001+11:00

After years of denial, I have finally set the wheels in motion to have lapband surgery....

How I see myself...

2012-10-13T22:41:00.001+11:00

Changes are happening.....

2012-09-17T14:16:00.001+10:00

Ever so slowly but they are happening. Trying not to be impatient.. I just need my health and the way I feel about myself to catch up..

Feeling like I'm in a Funk

2012-09-15T15:27:00.001+10:00

Feeling really down and struggling to move on... After being unwell and having constant girly issues, I am really struggling to snap out of it :-( I just feel so tired and insecure and I just can't work out why...

Fallen of the horse and it ran off with out me

2012-05-30T00:23:00.001+10:00

:-( no idea how to catch up so over being up and down all the time....

Needing a change...

2012-03-12T22:40:00.003+11:00

Not sure how, or what but I need it...I feel so bored..I need to be me again.. currently looking for a career change. Still working on the personal changes I need to make to improve my health but I am seriously thinking my whole life needs a major overhaul.....

Hardest part is knowing where to start :-/ feeling really blah still refer to last post

2012-03-08T21:44:00.001+11:00

Deflated and blah :-/ need to pump up the Jam a bit and try pull my self out of it. It has gone on long enough....

2012-03-05T20:48:00.001+11:00

Why the hell am I all of the sudden so hungry all the time? I feel like I have gone backwards :-( it feels uncontrollable and I have fallen behind on my walks :-( Mojo got sick of waiting and took off with out me....Feel free to play some good cop bad cop..I need a bit of understanding and love but I think I also need some tough kick up the pants kind of love...

impatient much??

2012-01-31T22:26:00.001+11:00

I guess I am feeling impatient :-/ I think this could quite possibly be my down fall I don't see results straight away so I give up...

Getting better with the self love thing though..sort of lol I am definitely having better days

My goal that I have set for my self this year is that I can walk 2012 kms over the course of the whole year :-) well I am proud to say I have already done about 2% of that already I just know I can do it :-)

http://runkeeper.com/user/jonesshel/activity/68497590?channel=web.activity.shared.facebook.auto&utm_campaign=SharedActivity&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=Ref

2012-01-29T22:33:00.000+11:00

http://runkeeper.com/user/jonesshel/activity/68497590?channel=web.activity.shared.facebook.auto&utm_campaign=SharedActivity&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=Ref

http://runkeeper.com/user/jonesshel/activity/68085599

2012-01-26T23:23:00.000+11:00

http://runkeeper.com/user/jonesshel/activity/68085599

I never realised learning to love my self again would be so hard

2012-01-23T22:44:00.002+11:00

Lot's of soul searching been happening, and its been horrible....I never realised how little respect I had for myself and how much I disliked myself :-( I still find my self saying I need to get fit and healthy...for my girls. Now that is all well and good but why not do it for me, purely because I love and respect myself and my body?

I have had so much going on lately thinking about me seems to be a non event but have discovered after a major meltdown if I don't look after me..I can't look after my girls so I really need to work on me..

It has been quite challenging as I still find myself thinking I am not worth it or I don't deserve it..

I am going to try get some professional help will let you know how I go.. x

http://runkeeper.com/user/jonesshel/activity/67643494

2012-01-23T22:33:00.000+11:00

http://runkeeper.com/user/jonesshel/activity/67643494

The more I try to take control the more I feel like I am losing it :-(

2012-01-16T19:20:00.001+11:00

In all aspects of my life I feel like I am in limbo land....I just wish I didn't feel so uncertain :-( .. I have put me on hold for a bit I guess but I just really want to focus on sorting out Georgia and Michaela and my marriage...I don't know what else to tell you so will be back later xx

Roller-coaster Life

2011-07-26T10:35:00.000+10:00

Well it's seems this Journey is resembling that of a roller coaster....I am up then I am down then back up again.. I am still trying to work out where I go wrong and the time lines etc as I know blogging on here is rather spiratic it might help give me an idea but one minute I am going great guns then the next I am falling in a heap again...It seems that my depression had come back with a bit of a vengeance and that has not helped things. So I took my self back to the Dr and am now back on anti depressants and hopefully that will help me get back on an even keel...
I really do believe food is my downfall as I don't eat enough fruit and veg and I don't drink enough water and that has always been my issue if you go back and read thru. Exercise could always be better but I at this stage I am taking small steps and fixing one thing at a time..

Will keep you posted xx

past the 5kg mark!!

2011-04-04T22:10:00.000+10:00

Well I am rather pleased today Georgia and I had a great day today playing with her new toys :-) and to top our very Magic day off I went to weigh in tonight and I lost a whopping 2.2 kgs which is a big relief after a 1.8kg gain last week :-S Very relieved and happy :-D now to work hard again this week to keep it going!!!

I really am pleased because for the last few attempts that is the bit I frequently get stuck on and I have finally passed the 127 mark so now to keep going!

Groundhog day

2011-03-30T20:36:00.000+11:00

I don't know why but for some reason everytime I try to achieve a goal I get stuck at the same point
I hate that the numbers on the scales matter but for some reason they do...I was going so well and had lost nearly 5 kgs then I got to a certain point and I got stuck infact this week I had a gain :( why?? I really don't know what it is that makes me get stuck at the same point everytime .. Sometimes it feels like ground hog day..
Why is it so hard to do something so simple when I want it soooo much I want this I really really want this I want health and I want to feel good about myself
How do I prioritise? and organise? I have been feeling so busy lately, running around for family members, running around for the kids and working and being in the pool makes me so tired I have been falling asleep. I haven't been eating properly. I want to be organised, we havent done a proper shop in ages and I know that is making a massive difference I really want some good food in the house...Altho in saying that I have had some really good vegies in the house but the have gone to waste because I kinda don't know what to do with them I was given them by a mate who works at the wholesale markets
I am so tired of being tired :( I just want some energy Its making me feel really depressed that I feel I can't get off the couch when I get to be home for more than 5 minutes
Water is my big thing I don't get enough by a long shot I try as I have a bottle of water when I am working
Fruit and Veg I don't get enough of either
On the tracking side of things with weight watchers I had been going really well but then I got busy and didn't have enough time to log into the computer ( I wish I had an iphone) so I would forget to track for a day or 2
I just wish I knew how to fix this how to get over this one hurdle it really feels like a big hurdle. I just wish I had time to be at home... I know this is going to sound like an excuse but with the free vegies I had it also came down to not being at home to use them.
I really dont have many excuses really I mean I work in a pool but I have just been packing so much into my days staying for a half hour or even 15 mins of laps seems too hard
and I was reading up on how water helps so I am puting little water reminders everywhere to tell me to drink my water it may even help the fatigue well I hope so anyway

Oh and I made pumpkin soup to have when ever I feel the need for something but dont want to blow my points

Weight Watchers

2011-03-07T22:20:00.000+11:00

Well I seemed to have turned a corner....it is early days yet but in 4 weeks I have lost 4 kgs, I lost 2.5 kgs in the 1st week and 0.4, 0.7 and 0.4 the following weeks so it all seems to be reasonably consistent :-)

The things I need to improve on are the norm.....Water and Breakfast I really need to make my self have both and also my veg intake I am not quite eating enough

things are on the up xo

Where am I going wrong seriously?

2011-01-25T21:10:00.000+11:00

I have battled with my size for over 10 years now....I just don't know where I am going wrong. I have the most trouble when I go visit my family as they seem to be successful at making me feel really awful about myself, with their disapproving looks at how I haven't lost any weight and I am not succeeding.. I know they are concerned for me but I don't know if they realise they are more of a hindrance than a help. 2 Years ago Mum had a lapband surgery and truthfully she looks awesome, but I don't think its for me I really want to work on my head and learn to eat properly I really do see it as an easy way out and that you don't really learn how to eat properly.. The thing with Mum is she already knew she already ate really well I am not all together sure why she struggled so much whether it is in her head or her body not playing nice I really don't know but the lapband seemed to have been all she needed. But its not like that for everyone and I really really really need hers and dads support and belief in me that I can do it with out major surgery...

I know I need to sort my head out more I just don't know where to start I really want to teach myself how to treat my body right.. I was really enjoying walking for a bit there but have since hurt my ankle so I really need to get it right and get back into easy walking and swimming before or after work.

If anyone has some advice to ad or friendly morale boosting comments please do xx

yay finally the numbers are on the way back down

2010-12-18T17:49:00.000+11:00

Lot's to say so little time

2010-12-15T00:34:00.000+11:00

Just thought I would post so you know I am still alive....Lots on my mind of late... I really need to find my MoJo it really has gone walk about definitely need to start walking etc from tomorrow (its midnight am all for living for the now but I need sleep more than I need excersise) and also the laps I have a wedding on the 15th of Jan so one month from now I would feel better about my self if I did something to shed just a couple of cms/kgs

I will try and post again tomorrow and maybe try and post a bit more xx

I seem to have flopped again...

2010-09-21T12:29:00.000+10:00

I was doing so well!!!! What on earth happened? I think relying on others to reach my goal was the biggest mistake and that is by no means blaming anyone else..What I mean is that I kept relying on Carly to be available to do my work outs with and then when it became difficult to catch up I just never managed to do it on my own..My eating has gone down the drain a little too maybe I need to listen to my hypnotic podcasts again..
The other issue that was spoken about in the previous post seems to have righted its self but still early days yet..

I have been trying to be more positive and trying to love my self more, but it seems I come undone everytime I see my mother.. altho I know she means well it is very hard to take. I just wish that she understood why the lapband isn't right for me (altho at the moment I seem to be prooving everyone I am wrong)

I will keep plugging away at this Its gotta happen sooner or later I just want to be able to create some Healthy and Sustainable habits I was considering getting up at 5am to get a walk in before hubby went to work now this is the lazy side of me talking but I can just see that is not going to be sustainable because I am not a morning person I struggle to get up between 7 and 7.30 in the morning so how the hell am I going to do it at 5am I am sure I will work something out I think the eating and drinking is the biggest things I need to change...

Yo Yo ing

2010-09-02T21:29:00.001+10:00

Hi everyone sorry it has been a while since I have been in... I have been working lots which is a good thing and have been quite busy of late.. I also have gone off the pill because my body is doing annoying dumb things and so the Dr suggested I give the pill a break (I have been on it for 15 years other than when I had my babies...The first month was great I was eating well feeling awesome and alive loads of energy...then last week I got the hungries and irritable and have been bleeding heavily since Saturday (sorry for TMI) I feel like crap and so so over sensitive crying over stupid things fighting with Anth over stupid things... I am driving myself insane! I am trying to persevere because I need to try and get my hormones back to normal and the Dr did say it can take up to 6 months for everything to go back to normal I was never normal in the first place so will be interesting to know what normal is
sorry for the not so fun post I hope you are all going well xoxo

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One should eat to live, not live to eat. ~Cicero, Rhetoricorum LV