She's On Her Soapbox

December Reflections

2017-12-05T23:04:00.001-05:00

I sat today with a myriad of thoughts racing thru my head. Perhaps it's my yoga practice, which constantly challenges me to be introspective, or just the fact that I've got a few years under my belt. But, as I reviewed my year, I took stock of my feelings and emotions. Something dawned on me. I'm happier than I've been for aslong as I can remember. Happier than I've been my entire adult life. And I've had some very happy years. But this has been one of the best years of my life. In fact, if every day for the rest of the year was bad, this would STILL be one of the best years of my life.

I can't recall being this intrinsically happy since childhood. Unlike now, that happiness was built on innocence. It stemmed from growing in a nurtured environment. Long gone are those days. This intrinsic happiness is built on hope and renewed faith in love and the ability to trust people again. I realize we are all flawed. We will hurt each other. The difference is I also understand that we can find others who deeply care and will invest in our happiness. And they'll do it for no other reason than they WANT to. They love you. They appreciate the love you give to them. The people who have come into my life operating under those principals have saved me from sadness, depression, and despair. They are the reason I can encourage you not to give up on living a happy meaningful life.

Being around the right set of people or even person can help restore the person you know you were meant to be. The person you thought you lost forever. Those hopes and dreams that put you on a path to fulfilling your purpose in life, are not gone forever. Your mission doesn't change. You do. And when when we change we often realign ourselves to take another path. Get back on track friend. Be who you were meant to be. Peace and fulfillment are just on the other side of healing.

I'm sending lots of love to anyone who still drops by to read this blog. If I don't make it back here in 2017, make sure to take care of yourself mind, body, and spirit during the holiday season. Keep everything in perspective. It's a season to cherish what you already have. It's not about focusing on material things. (Unless you REALLY have a need for it. Let's face it. The sales are great LOL) At any rate peace and love until next time xoxo.

40

2017-08-12T06:16:00.001-04:00

It's been a couple of months now since I celebrated the big 4-0. I can honestly say I've never been more in love with life. That's not to say that it's prefect. It is however, exactly the life I want to be living. I've taken control of all aspects. It is a life by design. I have never felt more love and support from my circle of family and friends. I feel valued. I work so hard to make sure my people feel genuinely special. I want them to know I care. It's important that they know there's one person in the world who will support and accept them. I do that because it's what I need. I'm lucky to have that from the people my life.

In the weeks leading up to my milestone birthday, I was diligently searching for signs, answers, and information. What did I need to know before embarking on this next phase of life? I think my biggest takeaway has been that it's ok to let go of people who you love dearly, if they are not equally invested in you. It's ok to own your feelings and work thru them independently. There's no shame in whatever your feelings are. But you have to be realistic in your actual dealings with those whom you're not equally yoked with. You're literally hindering your own progress trying to stay closely connected with someone who's not working towards the same goal. Guess what? Letting go feels good! Progress... even painful progress feels better than stagnation. And it definitely feels better than being dragged backwards into the past.

I suppose this revelation is not new for me. I've loathed and lamented many times about this topic. What's changed is my ability to truly release and accept it. Finally I have, and I can declare to you, I'm better off. Peace and love friends xoxo.

Who Were You At 22?

2017-03-14T21:59:00.001-04:00

Twenty-two years ago this week I lost a child. For 22 consecutive years this has been my own personal Hell Week. As I spend the last couple months reflecting on my 30's, this situation feels more poignant than ever. I remember being 22. In fact, I was pregnant with my 17 year old. All the while thinking about this little one. I was doing the math. How old she would be. What characters she would be obsessed with. Whether she would have liked school. Today she could have very well been in similar circumstances. It's conflicting to think about it all. Watching my children arc into adulthood is nothing short of bittersweet. Knowledge that my first would be old enough to start the journey of where I am today is not. It's painful. But I'm dealing with it. I celebrate the fact that her spirit is present and felt. It is so much better than years spent squelching these emotions. As the day approaches I'll leave myself open to receive any life lessons or revelations meant for me. I have obtained a few over the years. I know her spirit loves me. I know that being the best mother to my children honors her memory. I've learned to shed any shame associated with this situation. I humbly acknowledge that for me her conception was the truest most genuine expression I knew how to offer. It was a spiritually transient experience. I knew what I was doing. I know the moment in which she was conceived. Although I could not imagine the fallout and consequences after the fact. I have decided that THAT was my ONE moment in life. We all get one. That was mine. My enlightenment. A point in which I'll spend the rest of my life gleaning from. So I'm not ashamed. It's a part of my life story. One that at almost 40, I can understand enough to start to share. Twenty-two years ago I'd have never thought I would be able to do so. At 22 years old I wasn't ready. It's a new day. Peace and love friends xoxo.

Dawn Of A New Age

2016-12-07T21:30:00.000-05:00

As symbolic as my title sounds, it's actually very literal. Today marks exactly 6 months until my 40th birthday. Though time constraints have kept me away from actually blogging in a while, the thoughts and words and have been swirling in my head. Though I may not have come to write them down, consistent prayer, meditation and self evaluation keep me focused and steadfast in achieving my goals.

However, I felt like today deserved an actual blog. I am truly staring down the path of a new age. This is a very exciting time for me. I know and trust I am coming into my own. Gone are the days where I even consider how my life's work is even viewed by naysayers. I KNOW I am on the proper course. What's more, I am enjoying the journey. It's not about getting to a certain destination. I have goals yes. And I am accomplishing many of them. I also fail at some of them. However, I have completely embraced not only the NOW that I live in. I accept that I am on a journey that will last my whole life. I am not working to get to a final destination.

So here at the tail end of 39, let me share with you where I stand, Never have I been in a better place emotionally. Spiritually I am on an incline that amazes me. The gifts of spiritual insight that God has given me and my faith have never been stronger. It's humbling, empowering, all encompassing. I actually lack words to articulate it. But I am grateful. It guides every other portion of my life. As a result I have never been more fulfilled. I have never felt more loved, for I have learned more fully to accept love. I have learned to harness and express love on a more spiritually mature level. I have never been surrounded by more authentic relationships. I have eliminated toxic people and influences. Furthermore, my rules for engagement require that I cutoff anyone who operates in toxicity.

My goal is to walk into 40 more mentally, spiritually, and physically healthy than I have ever been. I look forward to sharing and possibly inspiring anyone who takes the time to read my blog. Peace and love friends xoxo

A Toast

2016-08-16T23:34:00.001-04:00

A toast for a heartbeat that transitioned from mortality to immortality. They say time heals all wounds. I'm not sure if time can work such wonders. But I'm a witness that active participation on your journey to healing definitely helps. Days, years, and even decades pass. Finally, you can look back with reverence and not remorse. I sat in reflection earlier today. "A heavy heart but a clear conscience. " Those are the words that settled in my spirit. Sometimes that's your best case scenario. Grow, and most importantly heal. I can attest to the fact that 21 years can pass in the blink of an eye. Live each day fully. Learn, evolve, be better and do better. Peace and love my friends xoxo

Unbreakable Bonds

2016-07-07T20:22:00.001-04:00

THE PAST:
A look, a touch, a spark,
A choice to trust
A decision to love

THE PRESENT:
A thought, a dream, a vision
A spiritual inclination
A message received.........confirmation

The Taste of Your Tears

2016-03-25T13:46:00.001-04:00

As I slept and my mind was unleashed, my subconscious began to explore topics that triggered emotional baggage that still exists in my soul. A revelation to me is there still lies a degree of pain I thought was long ago exorcized. But there it could be found. Not in the forefront of my mind. Not by peeling back layers and layers thru daily meditation. It was found in the taste of my tears. Bitter they were and what a surprise that was. Tears fall and they always reveal something. Sweet tears form when memories and emotions elicit them for beloved persons or events. Cleansing tears flow like baptismal waters to wash away those things keeping you bound to that from which you need to be set free. Bitter tears flow when some element of pain or anger is allowed to fester for to long. Pay attention to your tears. They're telling you something... Peace and love friends xoxo

Defining Success

2016-03-16T20:16:00.001-04:00

A great conversation with my friend and confidante really got my brain wheels turning today. What is the measure of a persons success? I've come to the conclusion most times it can't be evaluated by anyone other than the individuals themselves. I believe the ultimate success is satisfaction that causes joy concerning what is being evaluated.

As a business owner who spends a lot of time in a competitive sports environment, the measure of a team's success is often viewed as the final score. Who won? Sweet success! Or is it? I've spent years around various experts who have given me greater light in evaluating what's going on. For example, they often feel if they had the most talented kids competing but mitigating factors led to a loss, they consider the team successful. Success for our coaches is contingent upon talent and skill.

I recently had a heart to heart with my children. We were discussing a kid we know who consistently makes very poor choices. Lying deception and manipulation for personal gain, once you understand the ramifications, are serious character flaws in my opinion. I expressed to my brood the measure of my success as a mother is if they turn out to be caring, compassionate, loving people.

I'll have opinions and suggestions on their careers. I'm trying to model a healthy relationship with my husband so they can gleen what they will for their own future partners. I'm hoping they live somewhere I can readily visit when it's time to fly from the nest. But, all of those circumstances are for THEM to navigate. Just give love. Build people up as well as the world around you. Do your part to make the world a better place. That's what will make me feel like every sacrifice I've made was worth it.

I'm surrounded by visionaries, healers, and prophets in my life. My circumstances are ever evolving. My measure of success when it comes to certain goals is as also. But the greatest measure of my life's work at any given time revolves around the joy rooted deeply in me based on my current body of work. Today I declare myself successful. Peace and love friends xoxo....

Rambling Morning Thoughts

2016-03-01T06:37:00.001-05:00

I am not emotionally stunted. But my emotional investments toward most people are definitely blunted... Let me unwrap that for you. I have spent most of my life entrenched in exploring and developing my emotional attachments to people. I love deeply. Be it friendship, family, or relationship based, if I love you, then I love me some you!

I've always considered the risk of loving someone more beneficial than harmful. The love outweighs the pain. So I would love through disappointments when others let me down. I after all am flawed. I've caused my fair share of pain as well.

However, as I mature and grow, I see that not everyone loves the same. Some people don't even love you at all. "I love you" is not a phrase that triggers my automatic loyalty anymore. I used to interpret those words to mean a person was committed to moving in my best interest. I used to believe that phrase would result in a mutual kinship and cooperation in blessing each other.

A more relevant definition of love in my opinion is that love had been replaced by actions emotions and deeds more closely correlated with general fondness. If I therfore can expect you to operate in such a manner, I'm fine with that. But my actions and emotions for you will rightly correspond.

I guess what I find somewhat strange is that people who act in fondness still expect you to move in love. That's the one part of the equation I still find confusing. We should all expect to get out of a relationship only what we are willimg to invest.

I am not emotionally stunted. I AM emotionally blunted. Most people no longer get from me the connection or commitment I'm capable of giving. I consistently and regularly check in with myself. I don't want to slight those who I'm in a relationship with. It's very important to me that I support the people in my life who truly love and support me. I'm told by them that I do a good job. I'm also told by them when I miss the mark. That's one of the best parts of being in a relationship. Adjusting what's needed to maintain your compatibility and grow together with someone. Quality connections with quality individuals makes life wonderful and worth living.

Blunting my emotions towards those who aren't willing to give me the same has been wise. That's not to say that I don't operate in kindness and respect. I try to do that to everyone. But the sacrifice, commitment, and risky investment of love is now reserved for those in my life who are willing to be equally yoked and give me the same thing. Peace and love my good people xoxo...

I Hear You

2016-01-03T20:19:00.001-05:00

To whom much is given much is required. These are some of the few words that I have auditorily heard God speak to me. It was years ago. Before I was ever a mother or a wife. Heck I was barely an adult. It was before knew that to be a bible scripture. Or at least before I had it memorized :-)

Happy New Year! No new resolutions to share for I am convinced that I need to stay the course I'm currently on. But I can tell you that when the gravity of the responsibilities that I am currently entrusted with seem too heavy to bear, those words come back to mind.

Prayer, meditation, quality relationships, and faith are the tools I'm using to build my life's work. Learning how to utilize these tools properly is no doubt a learning process. But, what I see when I stand back and evaluate the work is a solid foundation. Moreover I'm FINALLY seeing a structure form beyond the foundation. That makes me both happy and grateful.

So here's to 2016 friends. Whether you're starting over from scratch and coming up with a new life plan, or forging ahead with your current plan, be blessed. Peace and love friends...xoxo

Revelation---> Elimination---> Elevation

2015-12-02T09:47:00.000-05:00

I had a cool dream last night. I found myself in my childhood bedroom. It's a space I claimed as my own until I was 20 years old. I loved that room. It was extremely spacious. It had two windows with lots of natural light. My closet what huge. I was able to crawl out of one of the windows and sit on the roof of the patio below. It was just a fantastic place and space for a girl and young woman to grow up. Important things took place in that room. I had many happy experiences and plenty of sad ones as well. But all things considered, it was for many years my safe space as well as one of my favorite places to be.

Last night I dreamt that I was packing up that room. In all actuality I packed up that room in 1999. In 2001 when I bought my first house I went and collected everything that held any semblance of sentiment and took it to my own home. This wasn't about packing any specific things. In fact, I didn't really want any tangible items. This was much more about disconnecting myself from the room, and preparing it for someone else. It was about releasing claim to what I once held as my own.

Interestingly enough I was happy and excited about the process. I was very much enjoying myself. I decided to paint and decorate. I chose a color palate of pale gray and vibrant yellow. To me symbolism is everything so I of course had to look up the meaning of this during the course of readying my children for school this morning. You see...I woke up with a smile on my face as the alarm went off. I took this dream to mean that I am in a place where I finally feel safe and secure in this present life I'm building. I am feeling confident enough to let go of what has always been my safe space, my fallback, my safety net. I can now comfortably open my hand fully and let go of all of that, reach forward and grab onto what I have.

The results are as follows: To dream of cleaning your bedroom may represent your choice to be more conservative or objective about a personal or private matter. Alternatively, it may reflect how you are getting your personal or private matters in order. To dream of light grey represents situations in your life that are less than terrible. You may be surprised that a bad situation hasn't gotten worse. Positively, a light grey may reflect acceptance of an alternative or that a problem wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. Lighter shades of grey may also represent the intuition. The color yellow in a dream represents noticing something happening or noticing yourself thinking in a certain way. Yellow animals, objects, or clothing all reflect beliefs, feelings, or situations in your life that you are aware of yourself having. Positively, the color yellow represents good luck or positive experiences that are automatic or happen effortlessly. Noticing yourself liking things or having an easy time.

I think that lines up fairly well with how I am feeling and what I thought. So pinky up...I lift my glass (it's a coffee mug it's 9 am lol) to the future and toast what lies ahead! Peace and love friends xoxo...

Cheers

Loose Love

2015-11-18T22:37:00.001-05:00

Have you ever come across someone who will hit ya with an "I love you" as seamlessly and effortlessly as they breathe? People need to calm down with all of that loose love. It's not real. Please pass me a namaste. You see my spiritual element and can appreciate it? Yeah I can dig that. Let me look into your spiritual being and admire as well. Love...it's more than a notion and soooo much more than the empty habitual words some people throw around. Be careful with that. Make your words as special as love itself actually is. Word of advice: If you can't truly back those words up, leave them for the person who will truly do just that...

*Turns the page

2015-10-25T23:06:00.000-04:00

I had the strangest occurrence this past week during my meditation. I was in the process of self examination and total honesty. In my meditative state I am 100% open with God about my feelings, my intentions, my actions, my hopes etc... I prefer to go through the disciple of going through the exercise of examining "my chakras". It's an opportunity to look at any spiritual or emotional baggage that may be interfering with my productivity and purpose.

This week as I was going through the 7 chakras I was a combination of surprised and confused that the baggage I have been working so hard to clear was...gone. I have spent so much time trying to keep my chakras clear of this clutter. I actually almost panicked at the feeling of emptiness that they were not there. What now?!?!? I thought. I am clear the clutter, and I am empty. I sat in shock before relief set in. I remembered my goal has been to remove everything that had dissipated.

When you're able to stand back and objectively look at situations, you realize everything is connected, and very little is happenstance. This all happens during the winding down of the course my life has been on for a season. Tomorrow marks the dawn of a new age. Life as I have known and become comfortable living it, is drawing to a close. I am starting a new chapter. My chakras are open and free so that I have room for new people, and new situations.

I have noticed that everything I have been open to receive has materialized lately. It's an exciting time and I am open to the growth, abundance, and success that is on it's way to me. I solicit love, light and prayers as the new phase of my life unfolds. Peace and love friends xoxo...

Happy Anniversary

2015-10-18T21:47:00.001-04:00

Today marks the 1 year anniversary in our new home. I have loved everyday here! My husband and I drove through our old neighborhood yesterday. That house looks great. The new owners are taking great pride in it. As much as I loved that house, we both agree making a move was for the best.

As nostalgic as I am, I was able to let go of my attachment. The one thing I noticed was that as much as I loved the old place, the house I grew up in always felt like "home". But now that we moved, THIS house feels like home. Because of that, I wake up every single day feeling happy, secure, safe, cozy, and content. All of those things confirm we made the right choice.

I remember a conversation I had with my aunt years ago. Her daughter seemed to have trouble settling. She moved around from state to state. When things didn't work out, she would move back to town regroup, and try to move away again. There's nothing wrong with moving away and living in a different geographic area where people talk, dress, eat, and even think a little different. We've all got to figure out where we fit in, and our purpose. But my aunt made a valid point. You can move to the other side of the globe. Wherever you are, you'll still be YOU. We have to settle in our hearts and minds who we are and what we want. Then and only then can we set out on a path that will bring us peace and joy. I am still finding my way. But my soul tells me, I'm definitely on the right path. Peace and love friends xoxo...

A Quitter SOMETIMES Wins

2015-10-12T23:34:00.000-04:00

A Quitter ~~Never~~ SOMETIMES Wins

I recently watched a movie about a group of executives working on Wall Street. They were a very tough motivated brainy group. These individuals spent their time trying to stay one step ahead of the market, their competitors, their clients, and even each other. The relationships with their clients and one another were very calculated. Each person initiated into their group had to be capable of bringing a compatible skill set. And said skill set had to be mutually beneficial.

One particular scene that stood out in my mind was a game of cat and mouse in which one of the main characters was attempting to keep a client on hold and handle other business. The person sat there unhappy threatening to disconnect. He knew that he had been classified as less important. I thought to myself in that moment, he should totally hang up. This man was very careful with his decision. He wanted to see what would benefit him most. In other words was it advantageous for him to continue the relationship? Or was he so low on this brokers priority list that there was no benefit and him staying any longer.

I think these general principles can apply on a much larger scale. I believe that we must evaluate our relationships as they change. If it comes to a point in which you find yourself as a low priority to the other party is it worth it to continue the relationship? We know that as time goes on connections either strengthen or weaken. So it's important to evaluate where you are and what adjustments if any need to take place.

There's nothing worse than having someone attempt to force a friendship or relationship on you. I've been there in the past where people have tried to bulldoze their way into my life. It took some time, but I believe I've learned how to set boundaries with those I'm not interested in having a close personal relationship with. Likewise, I've learned to read the cues of those who are not interested in developing a close relationship with me. Every so often I've misjudged when I've been placed in a seat lower importance in someone's life. However, I've learned to read those circumstances pretty well; even if someone is not comfortable being honest and admitting that their life or interests have taken a different direction than mine.

I can say with absolute certainty, in the end you'll never regret moving on from someone who didn't care for you as much as you care for them. In fact, it's a complete waste of time to put energy towards someone who doesn't particularly care about maintaining a relationship with you. All you're really doing is wasting your time, and distracting your self from being with people who actually value you.

So when you find yourself in the position as the gentleman from my original example, weighing the cost of whether you should hold on or disconnect, take your time and respond don't react. Make a mature decision. Sometimes it's best to hang it up. Sometimes you quit AND you win. Peace and love friends xoxo...

Signs

2015-10-04T23:37:00.001-04:00

All the signs around me indicate I'm coming into an age of new beginnings. I've seen the blueprint. What an odd thing it is to see the things you've prayed so earnestly for materialize. To be truthful (I'm glad in this moment I have so little traffic to my blog lol) I've been afraid and trying to turn back. My accomplishments over the past few years are a source of pride for me. However, I'm still feeling a sense of lack. I know there is more that I can/should be doing. As opportunities have began to open up for me, completely new unforseen paths have emerged. They are paths I didn't see from a distance yet they are undeniably answers to prayers I have laid at God's feet. I found myself trying to revert back to the status quo. And every time new signs almost miraculous signs would show up. I came to a place where I was almost ready to shut everything that's in motion down. Low and behold more signs... I simply had to accept that it's time for me to start this new phase. Even if I feel fear, I'm going to forage ahead. So now I'm moving forward in faith with a positive attitude and expectations of great things happening.

Be The Change

2015-09-26T17:07:00.001-04:00

I sat in an unrelenting obstacle course of rerouted construction yesterday. I was trying to get in line and make my ascension to the traffic light, yet no one would let me in line. I ended up going around and taking a different route. But the funny thing was, I wasn't angry, or even frustrated. I realized that I had no real expectation of anyone going out of their way for me.

That's a sad fact, but it's very true. In my opinion I haven't been shown enough empathy. In general, I haven't been shown, an abundance of kindness or even love. And I realized that I'm not upset about it. I'm not even sad about it. Because, it seems to be the condition of the human race right now. I know my statements sound pessimistic, but that's now how I feel. I am simply pointing out things as I see and understand them. It's difficult to be disenfranchised when you already have a low expectation. I applaud my friends and loved ones for delivering to me a caliber of love that is top echelon. I believe that is why I feel no lack. Though my circle be small, it is QUALITY.

I'm always so surprised to hear some of whom I believe by the nicest people show a complete lack of empathy for others of whom they cannot relate. Good-natured Christian people will hold an all night prayer service and ask God to intervene when a tropical storm or hurricane is headed to Florida. But somehow they fail to realize that it's ripped Haiti or the Dominican Republic apart in the midst of their praying for their fellow Americans. I'm trying very hard to be a citizen of the world. I don't want to be so small minded that the only people that I care for or relate to are the people in a very small circle that is proximate all to me. I'm not perfect and I certainly don't always move in love. But I'm trying to do better, be better, and give what it is that I know others need.

I'm not novel. I'm not the only one with the these life experiences. The world is full of dysfunctional people. I don't think that people are inherently bad, we are just very damaged. And that is why I find it very hard to get angry about not getting an abundance of love, kindness, empathy, or specialized treatment. It's also made me resolve to try and be a person who gives all of the aforementioned things. Because I believe that we deserve them. Everyone deserves them. It can change the very course of one's life, and even the way they act towards others. We hear so often that the world is full of good people. I remember so many Bible lessons growing up in a fire and brimstone church that warned that our hearts are desperately wicked. I believe but the balance of truth concerning most individuals lies somewhere in between. There is good and bad and all of us. There is love and hatred and all of us. Quite naturally what we choose to embody from those characteristics are what often shines through. I will BE what it is that I want to see. Peace and love friends...xoxo

Suicide Prevention Week

2015-09-14T23:36:00.001-04:00

It would be remiss of me to go this entire week without encouraging anyone who struggles with depression, or any mental illness that potentially leads to suicide. I've lost a relative to these tragic circumstances. I've seen the aftermath of yet another loved one who attempted the same fate. And to be frank I've had days when it was just damn hard to keep breathing myself.

Encouraging words don't always help. Sometimes medical or psychological assistance is needed. There's NO SHAME in that. If insulin is ok when your kidneys are malfunctioning. If contacts or glasses can correct your vision. If a couch and a conversation, or a pill to balance your brain chemistry will restore psychological balance...then go for it!

The world has much to offer. And YOU have much to offer the world. Stay with us. You are important. We need you. Peace and love xoxo...

Rest In Paradise

2015-09-09T12:10:00.001-04:00

Laid to rest today is the shell of my beloved Aunt and mentor. I had to set aside time and space not to grieve her, for she lived the life she wanted to live on her own terms. But to honor her memory and reflect on the knowledge and wisdom she so readily shared.

She taught me in both word and deed to be your own best advocate. It's great to have a support group, but no one will ever have a greater vested interest in you THAN you. I learned that manners will take you farther than education, or in many cases even money. She taught me it's OK to walk around with a suite of armor. The world can be a cold cruel place. Protect yourself, just don't allow your heart to be hardened. Also, it's okay to mess up. Nobody is perfect. Just don't stay in a mess. Learn from it and move on. One of the most important lessons I obtained is that secrets can destroy you from the inside out. Don't hold on to secrects. There is a difference between keeping people out of your business and living a life of secrecy. One is OK the other is not.

She and I have often been referred to by family members as steel magnolias. A trait she and I obtained from her mother/my grandmother. And for years we kept magnolias growing in our flower beds. Magnolias that had been started from the flowers that grew in my grandma's yard. It was symbolic, a reminder of who we are. And a tribute to the matriarch who influenced us.

As I sit here and share, all I can do is smile. There are few tears to shed for a life that chose to find and fulfill it's purpose. Rather it is to be celebrated. Sure I'll miss the her, conversation and advice. I'll miss the nods of approval and her correction. But I will spirituality tune in for guidance to the same Spirit that made us kindred in the first place.

I willing accept the mantle that has been passed on to me. The mantle that comes with great responsibility. I will be that strong woman who lives with boldness and kindness. A woman who is hard and soft. One who is afraid...but bold enough to do what is needed even when I am afraid.

Cheers to a life well lived Auntie. Until we see each other again. Rest easy 💕

About Last Night

2015-09-07T15:07:00.001-04:00

My love grabbed his camera in the spur of the moment last night and snapped a candid picture. It was after 1 o'clock in the morning. We were sitting under the stars, talking, laughing, and enjoying a fire. Our eyes testify to the fatigue of the daily grind building our legacy. They may also speak to the libations we consumed 😄. But more than anything I see joy and love. It's a beautiful thing to be able to embrace those things from The One who kept hope alive that I would some day find balance and deliverance from a dark past that overshadowed my ability to walk in complete and total health and happiness. I wish for everyone a love like this. That builds, and hopes, and believes, and under grids, and WAITS. Sweet mercy a love that waits is worth holding onto... forever. Peace and love to you my friends xoxo...

Doin' Me

2015-09-01T10:40:00.001-04:00

I'm probably the least competitive person you will ever meet. Not one shred of my being strives to compare myself or my life to anyone else's. For me it's always been about sitting down and figuring out exactly what I want in life, and crafting a plan to make it happen. I am fulfilled, satisfied, and happy when I accomplish things I've set out to do. It's not that I want to be disengaged from other people. I just recognize the path to personal fulfillment is just that... personal. Why would I wake up everyday at the butt-crack of dawn to workout because that's what Sally does? I'm not a morning person. I love fitness. I want to be healthy. But I, to put it lightly, am not a morning person...at...all.... In almost 40 years I've never been a morning person. I doubt that'll ever change. Right now I wake up pre-dawn to make my hard working amazing husband's lunch. Then I go back to bed. It's my commitment to my health and my discipline that drives me to set aside time to workout. More power to ya Sally girl for your 5 a.m excursions. If that's what you contribute your healthful success to, then hats off. But I'm a much happier and equally healthy person doing things My Way.

Question my ambition if you must, but I just don't see how rushing to complete the same actions as someone else can contribute to my happiness. Rushing to marry someone who doesn't love you whole heartedly just because you want to be married is nothing short of a recipe for disaster. Buying a house when you have a nomadic spirit is pointless.

It takes all types of people to make the world go 'round. People who are fueled by competition and comparisons to others may in fact be some of the most accomplished and in some aspects successful. But it still begs the question are you HAPPY? All too often I don't here the answer yes. So I think I'll keep traipsing along doing my own thing. You'll find more successful individuals. You'll find those who do the same things that I do better than I can do it. But you'll be hard pressed to find anyone happier 😆. Peace and love friends...

Complicated

2015-08-21T19:48:00.000-04:00

She loves the sunrise, the sunset, and the moon.

She's Gemini, multiple, complex, born in June

She loves to indulge, moderation, and to fast.
One hand is stretched towards the future yet draws inspiration from her past.
She loves to run, jog and walk.
Strength and wisdom can be silence but also in talk.

She tumbles with the wind and is content therein.

She's complicated...

And Then...

2015-08-10T23:06:00.001-04:00

And then..... I'm thinking about getting that as a tattoo, or at least framed to hang on my wall. They are currently my two favorite words. Uttering that phrase with an inferred elipsis is such a great reminder that life is a book comprised of chapters. A chapter may come to a close, however, that's not the end of your story. I may have touched on this subject before but "and then" is definitely additional illumination for me. I've been walking around saying it all day.

Our story is not over until our book comes to an end. Every circumstance, especially the uncomfortable ones, I lace with a proverbial "and then". It helps.... Peace and love friends xoxo

Idolatry

2015-08-09T00:34:00.001-04:00

In the midst of watching a biography this evening I had a grand revelation. A woman was talking about how she was all but ready to stop truly living her life, because the person she loved most in the world was gone.

As I listened to her reason and justify why she didn't want to experience monumental rights of passage, I could relate. I'd been there before. I'm happy to say I've moved on from that disparaging point of view. Though I've worked so hard to heal, I can't say I ever understood how some of us get to that point whilst others are able to deal with similar situations and be fine.

Then it hit me. Love is not easy but love never fails. Though you may be left behind by a person, love still exists. You find another outlet, and can go on and find happiness again. It's idolizing someone that can cause serious damage. Once you understand the difference you can put people and things in their proper place.

As much as I write about and obsess over the importance of love, no part me wants to partake in idolatry. The weight of loss I've felt has been replaced with illumination and understanding. Surely I don't have full knowledge on this subject. I'm looking forward to my time in prayer and meditation for further insight. Peace and love friends xo...

Twenty Years Ago

2015-07-29T18:37:00.000-04:00

My friend just forwarded me the information for our 20 year class reunion. I'm glad I'm typing this because I don't think I could utter those words out loud about myself lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in the throws of an impending midlife crisis. Yes, I may occasionally utter that 40 is the new 20, but that's because I can appreciate that many people are stepping up and living their best lives without the constructs of agism. The older I get the more inspiring it is. I am happy to embrace that thought, and way of life.

I've been reminiscing on where and who I was in the year nineteen hundred and ninety-five. To be honest and real my life was a complete and total mess. I was newly graduated, accepted to college, and holding a terrible shameful secret. It's information I have thought long and hard about sharing, but I've decided against it. I was just barely an adult, (and I use that term for legal purposes only 18 is pretty far from being a grown up in so many aspects), yet I had some very grown up decisions to make with only weeks to spare before leaving for college. I wish there were someone else with whom I could share culpability with when it comes to the choices I made. However, at the end of the day the choices were mine alone.

I remember sitting in a therapists office a couple of months after my entrance into university. My whole goal was to desperately find someone who could validate my actions. I needed someone to give me a REASON why I had made so many poor life choices. I needed someone to tell me that there was blame I could place squarely on the shoulders of someone else. That would be my saving grace. Those answers would be the magic pill that would relinquish me from all guilt. More vividly do I remember the dead cold clinical stare in her eyes as I reached our for help. I was to be little more than a case number. Perhaps if I was interesting enough I'd be fodder for conversation over dinner and wine with a friend or lover. It was at that point I almost gave up all hope. I've never felt more defeated and less valuable in all of my life. To this day I am not sure what gave me the will to go any further with my life. Fear of death? A praying mother? A selfish will to live? I'm not exactly sure.

I can say this, the life I led and the decisions I made resulted in 20 years of second guessing myself. Cloaked in contrition and a quest for redemption, I have spent the majority of these past years trying to make up for my past shortfalls. There were literally years that passed in which for the most part, I was going thru the motions without actually living. If there is a silver lining it would be that time spent soul searching did give me a modicum of wisdom, as well as, an abundance of empathy that other take much longer to obtain.

It's been since I've settled comfortably in my 30's that I finally had a revelation that continually punishing myself for a past I cannot change was for lack of better words STUPID. I spent a good 15+ years not truly enjoying the life I was building. What a complete and total wast of time and life that was. Sure I loved my family to the best of my capacity. But it wasn't enough. Worse yet I was incapable of accepting love. Even worse yet, I resigned myself into believing that I was not truly worthy of receiving love.

One day I decided if I'm going to do this thing called LIFE, I might was well start living. Spending years in ministry and seeing people with similar or even worse pasts with me not just survive but thrive, gave me hope that moving on from a dark past is possible. For about 2 years now I have been completely consumed with letting go of everything that brings me shame and pain. It's been an amazing process.

I have learned there are no good excuses for my actions. There is no running away from my mistakes. I have to accept that I made poor choices. There's no way around it. I did bad things. I have learned that there are REASONS for every action, but that doesn't excuse you. There is no fixing some mistakes and you can't take them back. But I think the most important lesson I have learned is that almost nothing lasts forever. Those things, those actions, and those circumstances are OVER. It's DONE.

I was thinking about the phrase that nothing lasts forever. It was really resonating with me as I tried to find things to refute the concept. Everything I came up with COULD potentially have an end. Friendship, marriage, work, material things, are all at the very least temporal. Even if it is death that separates you from them. Legacies may last a long time. But eventually they are little more than a footnote in a book about the past, that is forgotten by modern men. The only thing that I could think of that lasts forever is love. It's the only thing that I can think of that transcends time and even death.

I have heard it said (and come to believe) that love is an energy. In my belief system love is based in spirit. It swirls all around us and never leaves. If we allow it, that love can be shared with others open to accept it. So I hold on to the love that exists within me and that which has been offered. This has been both my saving grace and source for healing. I owe it all to the love I possess and that which has been so generously given to me. Though the list is small of those who have truly loved me to life, that coupled with what resides in me has been enough to heal and make the rest of my life what will be the best of my life.

Peace and love friends xoxo...