I’ve always said that I never had any overriding epiphany. There was no brilliant light, no new dawn, no let-me-shout-it -from-the-rooftops, “I am Love. Hear me roar!” For me, shifting my thoughts was akin to bending spoons- ridiculously hard. I spent the good majority of my life in therapy, succombed by a constant need for self reflection and an embarrassingly large and growing larger bookshelf of self help books.

I wanted to do something of more purpose and support people in empowering themselves. The divine decided to give me a concept that would do the trick… a board game. Tons of people had great experiences. They saw what was driving their behavior and what was keeping them from their full potential. Relationships where healed and others created. All of the accolades didn’t change the fact that I put all of my Internet winnings and all of my identity into this thing called Shift.

For years and years, Shift became my albatross. During this time, I decided that it would make great sense for my personal development to experience fun things like almost filing bankruptcy and selling everything I had save one thing… a Cartier watch that I bought when I was a 24 yr old who thought I was the shit. I raised a bit of money to create the online version of Shift, complete with multi-person video chat. As we launched the new version, I decided to make myself so sick with mercury poisoning that I wouldn’t have to potentially succeed. I sat in bed for over a year unable to hang with friends or form words. I became what they call a universal reactor and had serious reactions to everything I ate or inhaled. I had a growing allergic reaction to everything, most of all life.

When my site no longer worked correctly or looked pretty and when I got sucked into an endless list of frustrations and distractions, I formed a growing disdain for lawyers, developers and any and every to-do that kept me from what I enjoyed most, connecting to the people I wanted to support and celebrate. I let everything and mostly my not-good-enough beliefs suck the life out of me.

I gave up my voice and continued to become this other thing, a sad reflection of my former gregarious self. I shelved Shift. I could no longer look at it. It became a growing upset. When people would ask about it, I’d cringe unwilling to discuss it. I went through a grieving process thinking that I’d abandoned my child and in some ways lost my faith in the universe. How could god punish me when I decided to walk away from all of the money and glamour to save the world?

The world didn’t need saving. I did.

I lost my shit in a big way. I found out that I had a form of bipolar called Cyclothimia this summer. I spent years and years angry that I couldn’t snap my fingers and change my thoughts. I studied nutritional psychotherapy and learned about the relationship between food and mood. That helped a bit. Yet, I poopooed medication believing that I was stronger than any chemical make-up that persisted in my family’s past generations. I also think I was embarrassed to discuss mental illness because I bought into society’s verdict that it was taboo. I also fought another mind-fuck. I had studied so many things like the course that said “sickness is a defense against the truth.” When you have been convincing yourself to believe that there’s no such thing as sickness, conflict ensues. Like the mercury posioning, no doubt I’ve created this on some level as well. But that’s ok. My moods are so much more consistent. Imagine how happy that makes my husband? I see things from the way that I pursued for so long. More often, I now see things from one mind, from love. That’s not always the case, but I now feel that I can control my thoughts rather than be at their mercy.

I went to LA and after a few weeks there decided that there was nothing wrong with money and glamour and that I missed being back in technology and internet advertising. For so long, I thought that everything that wasn’t about doing good was vapid and superficial. A thought came. Why wouldn’t I have all of these things? Of course I should travel to great cities, wear high heals and work with brilliant people on cutting edge technologies. I then decided that I could make great money (money was good- just an exchange of energy!) and then support all of my friends and their non-profits and socially conscious businesses. Surely I’d have a greater impact than I could with no resources.

I’ve made so many changes that it’s hard to point to one. I’ve cut out things like alcohol, gluten and dairy… there’s a whole list. I’ve got a new love. Where a year ago I was still depleted and detoxing, I now wake up and get to 6am yoga before work. My relationship is radically different. The pills have had a major affect on my ability to respond rather than react. I think it’s important to speak that truth about what my experience has been because it’s quite possible that there are other people like me who are making themselves crazier than they already are trying to force their minds to ignore the chemical and comply.

I’m leaving Shift right where it is.

It’s a great tool and I trust it will morph into whatever it’s next supposed to be.

I do know that I’m no longer Shift and it’s no longer me.

It just is.

I’ve got a present for a lucky winner… an amazing gift that supports people in living their truth. Who wants some great technology and the last 600 games that are lining my garage walls?

They want a new home now that I’ve found mine.

I just came across this series and the information is fantastic. Here’s a note from Alex Ortner and a great video that explains the importance of what we eat…

The other day I mentioned the film “Food Matters” and how I
consider it along with our film “Simply Raw” to be a film
that everyone should see if they care about their health.

James and Laurentine, the producers of the film, gave me an
8 minute clip to share from the film that I think you’ll enjoy.

It’s the first 8 minutes of the film so I think it will give you a great
idea as to what you’re getting…

I’ve posted the video on our blog. Just click on the link or
the image below to see it now:

http://www.rawfor30days.com/8_Minute_Clip

Of course I had loads of expectations for our visit. I thought he’d use a magic wand to make me shiny and new and then we’d put our heads together and he’d strategically point me in the direction of my next great thing. Instead, he asked me to get out of my mind, drop into my body and . . . breathe. We sat. He taught me pelvic breathing. I cried. It was wonderful.

Gay said to take the next three days once I returned home to do nothing. Nothing? Nothing!!! He specifically said no computer… Let’s just say it was incredibly difficult and incredibly insightful. Again and again lately when there’s been an opportunity for me to seek and search outside myself, I’ve been turned around and reminded to point my radar inward.

Here’s my report back:

Gay,
Doing nothing for 3 days was a major challenge. I’m sure you knew that when you gave me the assignment. I gave myself an extra day. It was very interesting to see how on my case I can be. In the last few days my doing nothing still meant I went to meditation and a potluck, went to yoga, went for walks, slept in until almost 10 each day (I forced myself to go back to bed and know I needed the rest) and of course I couldn’t keep myself from my computer. I found myself wanting to beat myself up for going grocery shopping. I caught my little ego saying, look, you can’t be still. I recognized that no matter what I choose to do next there really needs to be an element of gentleness and kindness in it. When I made the catch I was more present as I chose my veggies and moved through the store. Ohh but that voice was a constant for me to check.

The last few days have been incredibly hard though. I’m aware (intellectually) that time is an illusion and that my whole mindset of if /then really doesn’t support me. I have spent my life conditioning myself to put off the reward or put off me until I do the work or the next distraction… Then when it comes time to just be with me, I make sure to suck up all the time with other priorities. I do this with all sorts of things and really think that I’ve had things reversed. At present, being still is still somewhat uncomfortable. At least on my own it is. I find when I have someone else to support me in dropping in, I’m there. I’ve noticed in the last few days that my body wants to rest, to collapse actually. I’ve also seen that my way of responding to that is to staighten up, go tense, and push on through. At least I’m seeing (or feeling) how much I override. I know that my creativity is a function of not only how still I can be, but more importantly how gentle I can be.

I really want to exorcise this little demon that tells me how invaluable I am if I haven’t acheived said checklist. I have been actively ignoring that little shit and breathing more, being kinder and recognizing that I am where I am and it’s all ok. At present it’s a constant practice.

I met with Paul Kaye from MSIA on Friday and he had me sit and do heart breath with him. He said thank you for writing his forward and that you two have yet to meet in person. Both of you had the same directive. I’ve been reading his latest book- check it out, Living the Spiritual Principles of Health and Well-Being, which is about using spiritual principles to heal. I manifested a bit of a cold the last two days and with all I’ve created in my body, his book has been timely.

I recognized during your assignment that no matter what I choose to do next, unless I soften and offer myself kindness, I will take the best / most aligned / perfect opportunity and use it to make myself feel somehow not good enough.

So, on that note, I am going to check the not good enough and send you something that I wanted to finish first. I mentioned a while back that I was writing in an effort to reclaim the parts of myself that I shelved when I stepped into the Self Help world. Most of it is in a notebook. I wrote this on my phone on a plane. It’s still in progress with the chronology and there are areas I’d like to flesh out more. yet here it is.

Still as I can be,
Nicole

Gay’s response: Excellent! The more you go into stillness, the more likely it is that you and the universe will
hatch a great idea about what to do next…

More to come…

I was on a liquid diet of lemon juice, water, Cayenne and Maple Syrup (Grade B) along with two medicinal powder drinks- drs orders to open up my liver pathways and support me in detoxing. The idea was to remove the buildup of toxins that my body has been accumulating. Because my level 2 pathways aren’t open and because of all this inflammation stuff ( I’m now allergic to at least 5 new categories of foods), we decided to hit the reset button by cleaning me out.

I have never felt better.

I went from being unable to walk my dogs across the street or make it through the mildest of yoga classes to in one day going running in the morning, walk mid day (like 2 miles), pilates in the evening and golf after that. My energy levels were unbelievable. My body started healing. A rash I had since the day after the cavities were removed went away, I started walking up hours earlier energized, going to sleep well and even dreaming. I even lost a few pounds.

On the emotional cleansing side, I saw how I use food to override what my body is telling me. When I am super frustrated and agro, usually because I’m nearing my 5th consecutive hour shackled to a computer or when I have some piece of work that has to get out, I usually grab something to eat to get me through it. Because there was nothing to grab for, I had to notice my uncomfortableness and either deal or, more importantly, get up and move my energy.

Before the cleanse I really had a hard time feeling my body. I’ve spent so many years self-medicating and numbing myself that this year’s work has been mainly focused on feeling my body again. The cleanse heightened my senses (OMG my sense of smell was intense!) and gave me the ability to actually listen to what my body wants.

It will be interesting to see how long I can sustain this level of consciousness around what I eat and what supports me. I’m on my 4th day of somewhat normal food and am still craving good for me fruits and veggies and exercise. I’ll see where it goes and the great things is knowing that my health really is in my hands and that I had the power to make myself feel better through diet.

This connection between mind and body has been my focus for the last year or so. I now see the power of nutritional psychotherapy. Yes our thoughts create our reality. However, if we’re not supporting our bodies with the right nutrients to create those thoughts, making a shift, for me anyway, really can feel like bending spoons.

I’m ready to remove the obstacles and let love shine through me.

It seems that there is a shift happening around the world to change the way our corporations and governments are run. Mind you earlier yesterday, Obama announced another woman for the supreme court, Elana Kagan. That same evening I saw Tom Brokaw interviewing two women who held the two top seats at a major Fortune100- Anne Mulcahy and Ursula Burns, chairman and CEO, respectively, of Xerox Corporation. He asked about the changes that occurred in the boomer generation and whether they thought these positions were possible when they were growing up. I then read an interview with Kraft CEO, Irene Rosenfeld. These are the first women that are really setting the stage for a major transformation of the work landscape. The amazing thing is, they are everywhere.

I sometimes forget that when I was in grad school, not too long ago, almost no one had a cell phone. Now they are so ubiquitous that we have to consciously make a vow with Oprah to set them aside for more important things such as driving. I wonder if I’m already taking our female presence for granted.

With less than 11% of these positions held by women, we’ve still got a ways to go. Yet, based on these articles, I wonder if our daughters, or perhaps my generation in 20 years will be called in to fill a female exec quota. Who knows, perhaps there is a major shift and change happening around the world that will make the gender discussion a mute point. At that point, will we paid $1.20 to the man’s dollar?

Read more from Time: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1982304,00.html#ixzz0neL5Q8W8

This is another article along the same lines that’s quite interesting when it comes to shifting the gender balance at major corporations. http://www.20-first.com/538-0-gender-balance-in-the-fortune-100.html

Speaking of boundaries, every morning I see an orchid that I have in my bathroom. This orchid is on it’s 5th year of life. If I understand correctly, you can tell the plant’s age by the number of leaves. Or the leaves it had last month.

I’ve somehow managed to keep this orchid alive for the last 2 years. Unfortunately, the orchid has had to shed parts of itself to keep on living. It tried to push it’s boundaries. It grew and grew. Yet it could only grow so much because of the container it sat in. I never got around to transplanting it (equal parts fear and laziness) and so it had to drop two of its leaves to continue living within its confines.

I know there’s some metaphor here and I’m not sure what it is. I can see it both ways. I keep thinking that I’ve had to change myself to keep growing and moving forward. I can see that I’ve stunted myself to stay in relationships that didn’t work. I can see that letting go and shedding the old works. I can also see that sometimes we’re forced to limit ourselves to work within the boundaries we’ve self imposed.

What do you think?

The Sangha community that I sit with on Monday nights has introduced a similar activity to cultivate the act of giving. Each month one member of the group will gift $108 to someone, somewhere that they think is in need of it. Try it and remember…

All that we give we receive…

Put Your Time to Work

• For anyone with a jammed schedule, a new group called the Extraordinaries offers ways to devote even just a few minutes of free time to something worthwhile. Micro-volunteering opportunities abound on BeExtra.org, from using your smartphone to view and label photos (to help digitize museum archives) to snapping a picture of a local park (to help build a map of places where kids can play).

• Another new tool aims to break world-changing action into its tiniest subparts. IfWeRantheWorld.com, which expects to launch this fall, encourages you to dream big — end poverty! cure cancer! — and then helps come up with small, specific ways you can help achieve progress in those areas.

• Random acts of kindness are getting a high-tech boost, thanks to social entrepreneur Daniel Lubetzky. First, print a card at Kinded.com. Then do something nice for a stranger, like sharing an umbrella or helping carry luggage, and hand that person the card. The recipient can go online and note where the act of kindness took place and then pass the card along. It’s like Pay It Forward, with mapping features.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1921428,00.html#WordPress#ixzz0YTcfp7XM

Had to share:

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” ~ Unknown

The Shift Prayer
I am abundance, joy and peace.
And I acknowledge all that I am.
I Trust, I am open and I live in gratitude.
And I acknowledge all that I do.
I am complete and know I need ask and I’ll receive.
And I acknowledge all that I have.

I am loved and I know that loving is my purpose.
I am a catalyst for change and my shifts start within.
I walk in triumph for I have made a choice and the choice I’ve made is love.

Thank you to my friend Carolyn for having a vision board party (set yours!) and for the added clarification as to why these sometimes don’t work. Carolyn recognized that most of us create these and never include ourselves in them so it’s really about a vision out there. By putting pics of yourself in it, you become part of the vision.

Also, I noticed now that I look back on the one I did in 05 that yes, much of it did happen… yet the more interesting thing is that this new board focuses specifically on the experiences I want to have as a result of the money, success, relationships etc. The other one was more goal/number/thing related. It was also very Shift centric. This one is all about the emotion and what I want to feel as a result of different things happening.

Anyway enjoy. I selfishly wanted to share my vision for la dolce vita (so that we can all experience it together) and wish you a wonderful 2009 full of any and every blessing.

With Gratitude for everything we experienced in 2008 and excitement for 2009,
Nicole