Shirastuff

Guilty Pleasures... but mostly guilty

2011-12-12T17:45:00.002-05:00

Cross-posted from Google+. RL sex-related stuff follows. Nothing blatantly explicit but reader discretion is advised.

I have had a bit of a realization when it comes to my sex life: I end up feeling guilty about enjoying myself in ways that might not be "approved of" by a wider audience. Perhaps, to generalize even further, I feel guilty when I'm happy. There have been a few times where I've declined something I would have enjoyed for absolutely no obvious reason, such as offers for RP by several people over the weekend or even just playful teasing by text message.

I rather wish I had a solution to that problem, as I'd like to be able to actually go enjoy sex without giving a damn what others might think if they knew what I enjoyed.

Edit: Perhaps I should elaborate further on this, as it's been bugging me enough that it deserves more than one paragraph. I've basically been told I "shouldn't" think of people mostly for sex. And despite my occasionally fickle and usually-stuck-in-high-gear sex drive, I actually do have interests in doing things other than simply getting laid in whatever form is appropriate with a given partner. That said, I seem to have no idea where the line falls in which it is appropriate to inquire regarding sexual activity, nor do I seem to be able to get my superego to shut up long enough to actually let me "take advantage" of an offer from a willing partner.

I don't even know how to best approach someone to say "You're kinky, I'm kinky, let's go." Asking something like that makes me feel incredibly awkward, usually to the point that I just freeze up and don't say anything at all. This might have something to do with the fact I've had some exceptionally flaky "friends" with benefits - both past and present - sch that I end up getting turned down the overwhelming majority of the time. A friend recommended an adult site to me which might possibly lead to some more pleasant encounters, but I haven't even gotten up the nerve to set up my profile a week after signing up.

It seems particularly frustrating because part of my mind knows that I'm quite capable at social interactions when they're aided by a computer. If I could be half as successful at socializing offline as I am online - or at least convincingly fake being that competent for a while - I have no doubt that I'd resolve a lot of issues, sexual and otherwise. The problem is that I seem to be at a loss as to how to overcome that first hurdle.

On Google+ and names

2011-08-13T11:00:00.002-04:00

As posted to Google+ this morning

An open letter to Google, and specifically :

Hi, I'm Shira Frozenmoon. That's *not* my legal name but it is who I am.

Yep, that's right, I don't have a single government-issued shred of evidence to back up that statement. However, I've been using that name on the web since at least October 2004 (or was it 2003?), well before I even got an invite to Gmail in April 2005. It's who I identify as on every other site I've used within the last decade, including Twitter, Steam, and countless other sites. I've even had mail addressed to Shira when friends have sent Christmas cards or gifts. Of the 159 people who currently have me in their circles, fewer than ten would recognize my legal name.

Looking at Google Dashboard, you already have - through various services - more than six years of e-mail (27000+ messages), 16001 recorded web searches, 947 photos, and 347 voicemails. More importantly, you have my full legal name, my present and previous addresses, my birthday, my phone number, four credit cards, my job history, a GPS-accurate history of everywhere I've been for the last two years, and (for tax reasons with AdSense) my social security number. That's more information than any other institution has, including my bank and my employer. Why? Because, until now, I trusted Google's "don't be evil" policy.

In exchange for this mountain of data, I've simply asked for Google to keep it private. I honestly don't care if it's processed by various algorithms to customize my experience on Google sites, such as by ranking news stories, search results, or providing more interesting advertisements. I do, however, care to keep that information from being shown to the public. Your own help pages advise parents to tell their children to never use real names online. Why do you expect adults to ignore that very sage advice? I don't want the things I get up to on the Internet with friends to be easily and readily linked to my professional life. I want to freely be able to discuss things, including work and my sex life, that would not necessarily be things I want permanently linked to my name.

The name policy has me fuming because, up until Google+ launched, it was implicit that I could use whatever name I wanted without it ever being questioned. Even now, I would fully support a name policy that prohibits people from using offensive nonsense or impersonating others. However, that's as far as any such policy should go. Google - nor anyone - should dictate what people can and cannot be known by. Even now, I can still use the name Shira Frozenmoon within other sites without it becoming an issue. I could use that name to sign up for another e-mail service, another blog, or pretty much anything less significant than signing an apartment lease. So if it's not an issue there, why is it an issue here?
At one point I had nearly seventy active users in my circles, possibly as many as 80. I've forgotten, but just 45 of those accounts remain as of right now. *As a result of the name policy - and that policy alone - you have removed at least a third of my friends from a service that I'd like to use with them.* You have told a third of the people I know personally that they would have to sacrifice their privacy _and_ the names they're commonly known by if they wanted to continue using Google+. What's the point of remaining on a social networking site where nobody knows your name? Quite simply, there isn't one.

Of those users who have been removed, none will even consider publicly displaying their legal names. Of those who are still here, I know several who are considering deleting their accounts before they get suspended just to make a statement about who they are. I also know several people who have decided not to sign up for Google+ because of concerns that they won't have an account for long before their names, too, get them banned from the service.

So why, in light of all this, am I making a public post to say that I, too, am willfully ignoring the name policy? Because the policy is, quite simply, somewhere between absurd and unconscionable. It actually prevents me from feeling safe using the name I'm most commonly known by. It diminishes the value of your service by making it harder to find people by the name I know them. It infringes upon the basic human right to have anonymous (or pseudonymous) communication. Notably, it has nothing to do with advertising; you already have an enormous collection of data that could be shared with advertisers in a private way. There is no compelling argument to force people to use their legal names just to communicate with their friends on the Internet.

The name policy needs to change, and it needs to change quickly. This is not a fight Google should even be trying to win. Please, don't be evil.

Sincerely,

(Not) Shira Frozenmoon

Live Blog from Unemployment Hearing

2011-06-08T14:50:00.001-04:00

I've replaced my former boss's name with his first initial.

1:55 PM - Hearing begins. Judge confirmed my info and the company's info. They provided a PO Box in St. Louis. They also will be providing a witness: P.

1:57 PM - P will be the only person testifying for Schneider. Other person on line only served the call.

1:59 PM - Judge explained rules and right to appeal.

2:00 PM - Judge opens case, explains what is being discussed. Enters information to record for hearing purposes.

2:01 PM - Gave oath. Began testimony.

2:18 PM - Completed testiomony. Other side began.

2:21 PM - P claims I had four customer complaints and four service failures.

2:21 PM - P admitted to downsizing account.

2:22 PM - P claims to have offered me an OTR position. He did not.

2:22 PM - P claims I filed Fair & Equitable on Jan 2 and quit on Jan 9 despite work being available. [Reality: Both happened on January 7]

2:23 PM - P testimony ended.

2:24 PM - Late on 6/25, 7/2, 12/16, and...? 12/28 for customer compaint? Contradiction in testimoy

2:28 PM - Call disconnected?

2:29 PM - Call reconnected, but employer no longer on line. Judge will attempt reconnecting everyone.

2:33 PM - Judge still unable to reconnect with Schneider.

2:39 PM - Judge called back to try reconnect one more time. Connection successful.

2:42 PM - P says I was offered an OTR position and refused it.

2:43 PM - I object, stating such a thing was never offered nor investigated.

2:45 PM - Hearing adjourned. Written decision will be mailed within two weeks.

Everything Sucks

2011-05-25T02:07:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know, first world problems and all that. But right now, things just kind of suck. I had a lousy weekend for several reasons, have gotten stuck in a horrendous "job" situation, and cannot seem to find any redeeming quality in things right now.

I'm not going to elaborate excessively on the weekend as I don't want to offend most of the people involved. Suffice to say that there was a very, very wide gap between things that I thought were going to happen and things that actually did happen. Lunch plans for Saturday turned into plans for Sunday. People were very difficult to get a hold of and even more difficult to get to commit to plans. Even when things did end up happening it wasn't even close to what I'd hoped for, turning into the sort of disappointment that makes me wonder why I'd tried in the first place. At least if I stayed home I'd have saved on gas money.

Then there's this "job" thing. For those of you who tried to tell me it was a scam, please save your "I told you so comments" as they're not constructive. Several of the things I'd been told about it have proven to be entirely false. We were told that appointments would be made for us; I ended up having to knock on every door on the block several times. We were told that if we met certain criteria we'd be guaranteed a minimum amount of money; my experience today strongly suggests that those numbers are not attainable unless the stars align. I've also confirmed my suspicion that the average person is a lying bastard, something that fits entirely well with my misanthropic view of the world. While I did take a phone interview for a driving position, I'm lacking one of the required qualifications and am pessimistic about my odds even of hearing back.

So what can I do about it? Good question. Unless that job somehow turns on its head tomorrow, I can't even see a way that I can make my car payment next month. That's not even taking into account my car insurance or other bills. For that matter, I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to afford to restock the fridge. As such things are just going to become increasingly stressful until I have a stable job and at least a grand in the bank again. It's hard to enjoy much of anything when you're not sure if you can even eat next week, let alone afford to keep living. In two weeks I might end up missing a car payment. In four weeks I won't be able to pay rent. In six weeks I'll probably have starved to death. That's how bad things are right now.

For those of you who intend well: don't tell me things are going to get better unless you can actually offer a serious solution to one or more of my problems. I can't afford to get rid of my car because I need it to get to work. I can't afford to ditch my cell phone as I need a way for other employers to attempt contacting me. I can't avoid paying my car insurance but could hypothetically put it on my one credit card (with a $500 limit). I can't avoid eating for reasons that should be obvious, though I have been putting an increasing emphasis on groceries as opposed to eating out.

All of that said... help?

How do you love someone who's too busy to love you back?

2011-03-07T19:35:00.000-05:00

I've only been trying for the better part of a year and a half to get Timanth to visit. First we had tried for spring break last year before he got tied up with family obligations. Then we settled on the Independence Day holiday; I ended up having to go out there after Timanth proved to be more concerned about what his mother would think of him coming over than anything else. Winter break was out due to family obligations again, but he quite explicitly said that come this spring break he would be free to finally come and visit. And if that were true, I probably wouldn't be so physically weakened by depression that even lifting my arms to the keyboard hurts.

We've spent at least the last six months discussing it and I've spent the last three trying to get him to finally pin down a date and time for plane tickets. Now, just ten days before his break starts, he's saying that he's going to be busy doing school work even during his break and that those obligations are such that he can't leave town for any meaningful length of time at all. He's said that I could come visit again and, hey, plane tickets are certainly cheap enough. But if he's so busy trying to make up a late final, deal with extracurricular activities, and handle various work in the lab, how would me being out there somehow magically solve all the time management problems?

Yes, I know that he's an overachieving student. Yes, I know that if he pulls off even two-thirds of what he's trying to accomplish he could get himself a comfortable job with a $100,000 salary straight out of school. Yes, I know that it takes a lot of time to juggle several classes and lots of off-campus work; I've actually tried that one myself with far less success than he's managed. Despite all that, I just want a week of his time. A week in which he shouldn't be swamped with other obligations. A week where we actually - finally - get to do some of the things we've been discussing for so long. A week where Timanth doesn't have to worry about his stress at school and I can enjoy the company of somebody I care deeply about. Instead, once again I feel like I've been strung along for ages just so it'd hurt that much more when I finally find out that I can't actually get what I want.

As I'm currently unemployed there's really nothing stopping me from just going out there for two weeks or so. Hell, a better person would probably be thrilled by the prospect of getting away from here (and my own set of crap) for two weeks and at least getting some minimal amount of attention for a little while. But I'm not a good person. I can't focus on those positive things for very long. For one, the very principle of the fact I've been trying to have Timanth visit this long and that this isn't the first time he's said "I can't" at the last reasonable moment is going to continue to bother me until we somehow break that trend. For another, even if I go out there I "know" that he'll be busy most of the time and thus I'll barely get to enjoy his company. Maybe someone else would be able to take comfort in that little time here and there and perhaps the occasional day he would be free... I'm not someone else and, even though I know it's selfish, I don't see the point in going through all the trouble to visit just to spend a couple hours here and there and many more hours wondering what the hell I've done wrong with my life.

So why am I writing this as a blog post and not bringing this up with Timanth directly? Good question. For one, he's too busy to talk about it, just like so many other times he's been busy. Even if he does get a break later there's little hope he'll have long enough to let me talk about it at length like this. For another, I - we - could probably use the outside input from anyone who has actually bothered to read this rambling mess. And finally, it's probably in part because I completely lack the ability to do anything more than passively-aggressively complain about every single thing that I perceive as wrong without even being able to formulate a reasonable solution to the problem.

tl;dr: I'm a worthless attention whore and my boyfriend isn't giving me enough attention.

Exit strategy

2011-03-01T00:08:00.000-05:00

For those who aren't following me on Twitter, allow me to summarize events from earlier this evening: Kali and I asked Kaiser to poke a guest who had promised to order pizza in exchange for his housing. He apparently told the guy he had time to play one more (30+ minute) game before coming down to discuss dinner. Kaiser then came down about 10-15 minutes later to ask why pizza hadn't been ordered yet. I called him out on it, and after a rather sudden and sharp escalation in exchange, he went into rather exacting detail about how he intended to assault me and that if I dared provoke him further he would be tried for manslaughter. So, I did the only thing I could do.

I left.

Over an hour later, after a few fragmented discussions with people via Twitter, I came inside, grabbed the dinner I'd cooked earlier, and went to my room. I'm still there, with a chair firmly lodged in front of the door to prevent anyone from entering. I have the TV on, mostly for sake of having noise to drown out anything else going on in the house and to have a distraction from the things going on. I don't want to be here. I don't know where I want to be, who I want to be with, nor how to make anything even remotely positive happen. It seems like the only thing recent weeks have proven is that everything I attempt to do just ends up making things worse and worse.

So I'm seriously considering turning the clock back about a year. I'm planning on calling my former employer back and asking to resume over-the-road truck driving. I want to get off the lease here, put things in storage once again, and basically disappear for weeks at a time. It seems almost painfully obvious that I'm not wanted here and that everywhere I go I just end up making things worse, so I may as well just go away entirely. I could just call them up, take whatever drug/aptitude tests are required for a rehire, and probably be back to work in a matter of days. Once out on the road, I would deliberately be hard to get a hold of. I want to get away from virtually everyone right now. Timanth is perhaps the only person I'd even attempt to retain regular contact with and, even then, I suspect that he would be happier not having to deal with the continual crap that has been going on in my life lately.

The only other thing I could consider doing is going on an extended, unorganized road trip. I've had a couple people offer to let me visit for a while so far. I don't know how long I could sustain that and, honestly, with the way things have gone with people I would inevitably feel like I'm just bringing other people down to my shattered mental state. I'm sure at least a few of you are going to insist that the preceding is not true, but I'm still going to feel that way, whether or not it's warranted, the moment anything goes even slightly wrong. That and there's really no telling how long such a thing could be sustained, assuming it's practical to do so in the first place; it probably isn't.

Though there might be other options, the above is really all I've been able to seriously consider so far. I have no marketable job skills other than my trucking experience; I have a two-year degree in general studies and no experience in any sort of professional work environment. I could try going back to school - maybe I could do accounting - but I would still need a substantial sum of money to support myself while going through with that and I don't think student loans are a viable option.

So, in short, I'm basically helpless to do anything to improve my life and disappearing for at least a few months seems like a really good idea right now. If there are any other ideas, I'd like to hear them. I would like to have a plan by Friday.

Procrastination and job searching

2011-02-06T14:04:00.001-05:00

A blog post? HOLY CRAP.

So as I posted on my other blog, thanks to some bullshit at work involving a made up customer complaint and a manager who refused to even consider that the bitch may have been lying, I was given the choice to either go over the road (and thus give up anything even vaguely resembling a social life) or to quit. I chose the latter and resigned effective January 7. The job hunt so far has been almost nonexistent. I put in a resume at one place, under the suggestion of one of my roommates; I finally received a rejection letter earlier this week. I don't even know where else to put my name in, honestly.

Perhaps the biggest problem is one that goes beyond merely not wanting to take the time to do applications. I don't see myself as having nearly any marketable job skills. Sure, I can type 80+ words per minute easily and have a pretty decent handle on multi-tasking, but I don't have any formal certifications in anything that isn't related to driving. Even then, the only good thing my previous job will likely say about me is that I'm eligible for rehire; I have no professional references, aside from claiming a friend who worked for the same company and whose path I almost never crossed as a co-worker. I don't really even know where to begin, as this is the first time I've seriously wanted to get something at least resembling a professional desk job.

I'm not in any massive hurry to get things done in part because I have a fair amount of savings I can draw down from. In reality I know I probably should be searching high and low for anything in this market, but... I just lack the motivation. If I managed to get forced out of a job when I was actually doing it right, why bother dealing with the work force at all? Because we're all "supposed to" do that crap? We're supposed to go to some place we don't want to be, earn just enough money to keep some minimal shelter and a few shiny things for amusement, then repeat until we're too old and get dumped into a hole somewhere? I unfortunately realize that the alternatives are all either incredibly improbable or illegal - such as winning the lottery or robbing a bank - but I still find the entire situation to be disgusting.

Despite all this, on Monday, I'm going to try my luck with a local temp agency and see if they can at least find something that's a match for my skills, whatever they may be. I'd like to think that I'll be ushered into something rather quickly, but considering how shitty the job market is right now, I may be stuck for a while.

Time to start posting again (or: This is MY blog)

2010-10-03T01:06:00.001-04:00

I've had a few things come to mind that I'd wanted to write about but hadn't for various reasons. Not least among those reasons is a concern for how some of my posts might be perceived. This evening, I somehow remembered the advice I'd handed out on LiveJournal plenty of times: that this is my journal and if anyone has a problem with something I post here they're free to stop reading and/or find another webpage to amuse themselves with.

So expect this to become at least moderately active for the near future. Most of the posts will quite safely fall under a PG-13 rating or less and anything more explicit may be linked elsewhere out of at least some respect for people and a desire to conserve eye-bleach. For now I rest, as I have things to do tomorrow, but my goal is to put at least one post up before Sunday ends.

Possibly impending hard drive failure?

2010-06-21T15:23:00.002-04:00

Can someone tell me if any of the below information is something to worry about?

ST9320320AS ATA Device
    Manufacturer    Seagate
    Form Factor    2.5"
    Cache Size    8MB
    Interface    Unknown Interface
    Capacity    312.57GB
    Real size    320,072,933,376 bytes
        S.M.A.R.T
            01 Read Error Rate    118 (087 worst) Data 000B33AF04
            03 Spin-Up Time    100 (099) Data 0000000000
            04 Start/Stop Count    100 (100) Data 000000028C
            05 Reallocated Sectors Count    100 (100) Data 0000000000
            07 Seek Error Rate    078 (060) Data 00044F25B9
            09 Power-On Hours (POH)    096 (096) Data 0000000F7D
            0A Spin Retry Count    100 (100) Data 0000000000
            0C Device Power Cycle Count    100 (100) Data 0000000242
            B8     100 (100) Data 0000000000
            BB     001 (001) Data 000000084F
            BC     100 (099) Data 0000000003
            BD High Fly Writes (WDC)    100 (100) Data 0000000000
            BE Temperature Difference from 100    060 (042) Data 0031280028
            BF G-sense error rate    100 (100) Data 000000006F
            C0 Power-off Retract Count    100 (100) Data 000000008E
            C1 Load/Unload Cycle Count    074 (074) Data 000000D01F
            C2 Temperature    040 (058) Data 0000000028
            C3 Hardware ECC Recovered    061 (044) Data 000B33AF04
            C5 Current Pending Sector Count    100 (100) Data 0000000000
            C6 Uncorrectable Sector Count    100 (100) Data 0000000000
            C7 UltraDMA CRC Error Count    200 (200) Data 0000000000
            Temperature    40 °C
            Temperature Range    ok (less than 50 °C)
            Status    Good

I am now the owner of a 2010 Hyundai Elantra

2010-06-11T00:20:00.001-04:00

As my old car - the 1994 Nissan Maxima - was pretty much at the end of its lifecycle, I decided to do some new car shopping. After a couple days of research online, I figured I'd take the aforementioned Hyundai out for a test drive as it was easily the nicest vehicle in my price range (under $20k). After finding that it performed at least as well as my Nissan in every regard, I ultimately committed to buying it. Among other perks, it comes with a whopping 200,000 mile powertrain warranty, 60,000 mile bumper-to-bumper warranty, and absolutely everything works perfectly. There are plenty of safety features the Nissan lacked, too, most notably stability and traction control. The car is loaded with everything but leather seats, seat warmers, and a sun roof, all of which I can cheerfully do without. I had to put down a rather considerable down payment and have a pretty lousy interest rate, but the payments are still only $260 per month and I should be able to refinance early next year with a much better rate.

I took a few pictures of the car, inside and out, as I have already had several people request such things. If anyone can think of anything else they'd like to peer at, let me know and I can show that off as well. It'll be near the end of the month before I can get my permanent plate, but would a plate reading MINIDRKE be a little too far over the top? ;)

X-Site Laser Tag's managers are rude

2010-05-12T01:52:00.000-04:00

The below text, in full, has been submitted to the Indianapolis Better Business Bureau.

This evening, I went out to play laser tag with a couple friends of mine. We've gone several weeks in a row now and, generally, have a wonderful time at the place. Tonight was a jarring exception. The first few games went well, but one player - a high-school aged male with blonde hair - became increasingly aggressive and problematic as the games went on. In our third game of the evening, both I and my friends asked him repeatedly to stop aiming for the eyes. While I realize that incidental shots are the nature of the game, this individual repeatedly shot at our faces when we were wide open for shots to the scoring targets on the body, then continued to fire at our eyes even after the pack had been disabled by a scored hit. After enduring this for nearly three full games - and suffering from increasingly blurred vision as a result - we complained to the staff.

Rather than addressing our concern by removing the offending player from the arena, the staff merely made an announcement that shots like that were discouraged and told us to continue playing. After the game, both I and my friends talked to both staff members present. I directly asked for the manager, explained the situation again, but she seemed thoroughly annoyed that I was even bringing the issue up again and acted incredibly rude. In addition to cutting me off mid-sentence, she said that if she didn't see the incident happen herself, she wasn't going to do anything about it regardless of how many players complained. She also said that even if she did see such an incident, as long as physical contact didn't occur, it wasn't against the rules. The manager seemed to have no interest in addressing our concerns despite complaints that our vision was being impaired by the repeated "accidental" shots. After we stated clearly that we had no interest in playing another game with the offending player; she seemed completely disinterested in our business and walked away.

I would like the following:

1. A formal, written apology from the staff members involved in this incident.

2. A statement regarding how the incident should have been handled.

3. A refund and/or store credit as compensation for not being able to play a fair game.

Roommate concerns in Indy

2010-04-20T19:15:00.001-04:00

It's been far too long since my last post here, so allow me to provide some brief background information: I'm settled in to Greenwood, IN (just south of Indianapolis) and living with Delphi and two other roommates. They're tolerable, most of the time, but the infamous wonder twins certainly get on both Delphi's and my nerves from time to time. They rarely clean up after themselves and blame us for the mess, they have a cat that they'd never asked either of us for permission on and that technically violates the lease, they never lock the door when they leave or enter the apartment... I could go on, but ranting on the Internet isn't going to change any of those things. In short, though, they're far from ideal roommates but usually don't cause anything terrible to happen.

In the last month or so, Delphi introduced me to some of his friends up in Carmel (just north of Indy). We hit it off well, to say the least, and I've spent each of the last several weekends up there, hanging out for board games, food, and the like. The lease up there runs out in July (a month later than the one here) and they've suggested I move in with them. I've hesitated to take them up on the offer, in part because I still might be resuming my role as a truck driver and thus have little reason to pay rent on a place that I'd never be staying at. There are four of them sharing a three-bedroom townhouse; two are in one bedroom and one in each of the other two. Up until this morning I'd been idly batting the idea around, but hadn't really had much of a reason to push for that

Remember how I'd previously said that the wonder twins usually don't cause chaos? Well, it was caused this morning. I woke up around 11 AM to the sound of one roommate shouting at the other to let him in, followed by the sound of breaking glass. At first I thought it was someone's ex coming back to start something, but I found out within a minute or two that it was just the two of them being ... well, "wonderful." The one who wouldn't let the other in basically freaked out, refusing to do anything about the situation. The rental office was closed, apparently, so they haven't been informed of the situation. Delphi provided the number for the 24-hour maintenance line, but the offending roommate decided to not call them, instead wanting to get quotes from independent contractors for window replacement rather than get it taken care of as quickly as possible. So we have a half-broken window and no plan on getting it fixed. This adds yet another reason for the apartment complex to evict us, one that would be pretty obvious without them doing an inspection.

I've elaborated the situation to the furs in Carmel, and they made the offer more interesting: they'd move around such that two of them are in each of two bedrooms, leaving me the third bedroom to myself. The monthly cost would be about the same ($260) for the time being, though I already know that they're extremely unlikely to renew the lease and I'd have to move yet again by summer. This would be quite impractical, if not for a rather interesting job opening: a spot in operations in Indianapolis. That's right: I could hypothetically stay with Schneider and just transfer to an office job with a stable schedule, the same benefits, and the perk of not having to drive all over the place 25 days a month. I originally got into the job because I wanted to travel... I think that I've done enough of that for now and wouldn't mind switching to a different part of the business.

If I end up in an office job - with Schneider or otherwise - I'd have little reason not to move in somewhere on a more permanent basis. Delphi's planning on moving in with a friend of his when the lease runs out here at the end of June, so continuing to live with him isn't an option under any circumstances. The furs up in Carmel are going to disperse at the end of July, but the two that are sticking around have expressed interest in me staying with them; they'll just need to find a new place to live as the current one (at $1,300 a month including utilities, Internet, etc.) wouldn't be affordable for just three people. The sooner I decide what I'm going to do, the sooner I can work with them on trying to find a new place that is both convenient to everyone and reasonably priced. But that also requires that I commit to moving in with them and paying rent for the next twelve months, something that I can't justify doing unless I'm going to be staying local.

All of this stuff needs to happen in pretty short order. If the wonder twins do end up getting us evicted, we'll have as little as 72 hours to get everything moved out. I could probably get my stuff taken care of within 12 hours, if I have somewhere to go lined up; at worst I could temporarily get a room at an extended stay place while the details are ironed out. I don't have much faith in things remaining stable here through the end of June, so getting out earlier might be a good idea... but it requires that I have somewhere to go and reasonable confidence that I'll be staying there as opposed to going back on the road for several weeks at a time. I haven't prepared a resumé since a computing class in my first year of college and I don't think that I have much to put on one of those regardless. I haven't really looked at apartments in ages, so I wouldn't have a lot to go on there. I'm basically kinda left hanging here, with time steadily ticking away, and only a vague plan to fall back on if shit hits the fan.

So.... help?

Indianapolis, IN - STILL not working

2010-03-29T12:31:00.001-04:00

Since the doctor only released me to resume work with restrictions, including a 20 pound lifting limit, occupational health cannot clear me to resume work. I'm now left with the choice of going to another doctor or complaining to the physician I've already seen and telling her that I need a referral to someone who can actually get things done. At this point I've been out of work for five weeks, still have shoulder issues, and don't think those issues are likely to get better on their own since they haven't already. About the only thing going for me is that my insurance remains in effect and occupational health pre-approved the maximum twelve weeks of medical leave, which leaves me until the middle of May to get this sorted out and still have a job. If I'm still screwed up after that, I don't know what happens next.

Health Insurance Reform passed?

2010-03-22T17:28:00.000-04:00

Despite what they're trying to brand the bill as, this really isn't health care reform. It will, however, do a lot of things to health insurance over the next several years. Somehow a lot of people are still repeating talking points that were debunked months ago, so allow me to try address a few of the complaints I've heard with a somewhat intelligent rebuttal in a form that isn't restricted to 140 characters.

Some benefits of this bill kick in this year. There have been several complaints that we have to start paying for things now and see nothing good for years. That's just not true. Effective this year, health insurance companies are prohibited from having lifetime limits on policies and cannot cancel coverage (rescission) just because you get an expensive illness. Young adults can stay on a parent's policy until age 26, not just until they turn 19 or finish college. Seniors will see alleviation for prescription drug costs. Reuters has a pretty thorough timetable of benefits that includes those and a lot more.
You will be able to afford health insurance. If you make less than 400% of the federal poverty level (about $43k), you'll qualify for a government subsidy to ensure that insurance won't cost more than 10% of your income. The less you make, the lower the cost to you will drop; if you're making 133% of the poverty line (about $14k) you're eligible to get on Medicaid for free. As such, most of you reading this will likely qualify for a heavy subsidy. Here's more info on those subsidies.
You will have to have insurance. If you don't have an income low enough to qualify for Medicaid and still refuse to buy insurance when the mandate takes effect in 2014, you could face a penalty of either $695 per person or 2.5% of your household income, whichever is greater. Odds are, if you make less than $20,000, it will actually end up cheaper to buy subsidized insurance than to pay a penalty. Why are they forcing people to buy insurance? Well, the more healthy people have coverage, the more the cost of covering sick people can be spread out and the lower the costs will become for everyone. Also, many of the people complaining about this are healthy, 20-something males, a group that usually has the lowest premiums on the market already.
This bill, flawed as it is, is still better than nothing. If Congress had still failed to pass this, it would probably be at least another 15 years before anyone even attempted to take up health reform in a serious manner again. The current system is unsustainable. This new one is probably unsustainable in the long run, but taking any step to fix it is still an improvement. Hopefully the progress will continue in the coming years and actual improvements in health care will happen this decade.

Irritability

2010-03-13T20:07:00.000-05:00

I really don't know what my problem is today, but I've been particularly bitchy today. It hasn't taken much to set me off about anything, I haven't felt like wanting to do much of anything, and the few things I have tried to do have proven to be nothing more than a total waste of time and effort. I would like to get off the computer and do something with someone in real life, but nobody around here seems to be available for anything and - even if someone were around - I can't think of anything specific I want to do.

I can think of a few things that I probably should be doing myself, such as writing stuff, cleaning my room, or even just ensuring I get a good night's sleep as I stayed up far too late last night. But even trying to convince myself to get off my tail and cook a small plate of pasta for dinner has been a lost effort, as I've been home here for over an hour and still haven't even nuked my leftovers from lunch. There are also plenty of other things getting on my nerves, mostly involving the roommates other than Delphi: they have left so much crap in the sink that it's basically unusable and their cat - which violates the lease - just loves getting in my way and clawing at everything.

At this point I almost wish I could get back to work, just to have some time to myself and something productive to be doing. It wouldn't be the greatest idea right now, as I'm still nursing intermittent shoulder pain, but I really should be doing something productive and making some money. At the very least, it would be nice to at least be doing something at all, even if not a particularly profitable venture, just to get out of the apartment for a while - perhaps a couple of days - and be in a quieter, cleaner environment. Having a friend or two around for most of that time would just be a bonus.

Really not sure what else to ramble on about at this point, though this blog post has already been one of the longest non-medical things I've posted in months. Really not sure that I even have anything of particular value to say these days, which is part of why I've been so quiet on here.

Emergency Room visit - Medical mishap

2010-03-07T21:04:00.000-05:00

One of the medications I'm on says "take with food" on a plain, white label. It's not one of the scary red warnings, or even a yellow cautionary statement, just a simple white label next to the rest of the prescription information. After getting home from a game night far too late last night and being so completely un-hungry that the thought of food made me a bit queasy, I took the pills with just a cup of tea and went to bed around 4:30 AM.

This was a mistake.

I woke up around 10, well before my alarm was set, with a slight upset stomach. This rose in a steady crescendo to full on "you're throwing up now" nausea, and resulted in the sort of projectile vomit that wouldn't have looked out of place in a zombie horror film. It was reddish, though, which I took as a pretty bad sign; when I've gotten sick before it's always been a neutral color. I also had to use the restroom again. And again. And again. Breathing hurt. I felt extremely weak. I tried eating some mini-wheats and couldn't even eat a dozen of them as swallowing itself made my stomach protest. I lied back down for a while, but that didn't help either. Around 1:15, on the verge of throwing up again, I just told Delphi I needed to go to the hospital.

Upon arriving, I relayed the above information, then got to sit and wait for a while. The hospital was full, somehow, so it took perhaps 15 minutes for them to get me into a bed. I had to wait for some time between various stages of treatment: I had blood drawn, an EKG, an IV with saline drip and two nausea/pain medications, and a long, long wait while those all took effect. I was cold the entire time - my temperature was only 97.5°F when I arrived - and the blankets would not stay on top of me. They ultimately just chalked it up to a reaction to the medication, gave me a prescription for some anti-nausea pills, and told me to call my doctor tomorrow to let her know what happened.

On the way home we stopped by the store and picked up some Powerade, rice, and bananas, all per the doctor's recommendation that I eat really light for the next day or two. I'm supposed to just start with liquids for now and, if that doesn't cause me discomfort, I can eat the bananas and rice. The nausea medication's a fallback option for only about two days; I have just five pills that I can take so I'll probably save them unless there's really no other good choice. For now, I'm just sipping a bit of something and contemplating going to bed in the next hour or so.

Shoulder update - March 1

2010-03-01T14:43:00.002-05:00

I never heard back from the doctor's office on Friday, so I decided last night that I'd go up there this morning. I went to bed around 12:30 AM, but I didn't even wake up until almost 11, then spent an hour and a half drifting in and out until I finally had the strength to get out of bed, get my clothing on, and get moving. The nurses at the doctor's office said that my doctor wasn't in on Friday, which is why I hadn't heard back, but I was assured that someone would call me back today, likely before 5 PM. In the meantime, I checked with the company's occupational health department and found out that one of my drugs - meant to alleviate muscle spasms that could trigger more severe pain - is something that I cannot take while driving (it's a narcotic) and that I have to be off it for 24 hours before I can resume work. As such, the earliest that I can go back is Saturday, and that's assuming there are no further issues. If I am cleared,

Of course, I wouldn't even be trying to go to the doctor again if there weren't issues. The pain isn't radiating up my neck like it was before, but it is over most of the area around my right shoulder blade, extending from my shoulder halfway down my back. It's pretty much localized - I could trace the area that hurts with a marker - but it does hurt quite a bit in some circumstances. Shifting gears in my car (e.g. from neutral to drive) was enough to make it uncomfortable. Holding things while using the restroom is probably the most uncomfortable thing I've done and it hurts for several minutes afterward. Trying to stab at my salad wasn't fun either. And, of course, the longer I'm sitting here typing the more it starts to bother me unless I maintain perfect posture. Strangely, playing video games is not making it hurt, which is why I've spent so much time playing Mario Kart and Smash on the Wii over the weekend.

I'll likely update this post when I hear back from the doctor later tonight or, at worst, sometime tomorrow. I don't think I can sit with my arm like this for much longer.

Edit (4 PM EDT): Just heard back from the doctor's office. Turns out that one of the medications does have severe drowsiness as a side effect; they recommended that I cut its dose in half to try counter it, but continue taking the other two as prescribed. I also will be getting referred to a hospital for an MRI; they'll call me to schedule the test. Results should come back within two days after I've been scanned, hopefully less.

Shoulder stuff update

2010-02-23T15:06:00.001-05:00

I went to the doctor's earlier today and she agreed that it's probably at least a sprain, if not torn. I was prescribed various things for it, plus one other thing for another concern I brought up, and advised to put ice on it to try reduce the swelling and pain. If it hasn't improved by Friday I may have to go in for an MRI or something to ensure that it really isn't a tear or some other more serious thing. Meanwhile, I'll just be taking things a few times a day to mitigate it in the meantime.

Hospital Run

2010-02-18T14:23:00.001-05:00

While many of you were following the ongoing events on Twitter last night, I'm going to try and consolidate that information into a single, coherent blog post now that I've had some sleep.

Last night, around 7:30, I was driving along the Interstate in Chicagoland. I kicked part of the truck out of annoyance at an open weigh station... then my shoulder started to hurt. No, it still doesn't make sense to me either. The pain came and went, but mostly came; by the time I'd arrived it was quite painful to even move that arm in any meaningful way. Writing was painful. Turning my head was painful. Don't even ask what it felt like to mis-shift a gear. The pain spread quite a ways, too: all the way up the right side of my neck to my jaw and about halfway down to my waist.

Concerned about it, I called the nurse line the insurance provides to get an opinion on it. The nurse was quite friendly, but also strongly recommended that I don't drive at all considering the condition my shoulder was in. Staying parked at a customer yard wasn't an option (it rarely is), so I had to just deal with it. She recommended that I go to an urgent care facility if at all possible, though. Nothing was open that late at night, so I figured I'd just kinda deal with it... then the pain got even worse and started spreading to my chest, which scared the heck out of everyone I was discussing the situation with. Storm Gryph said he'd take me to the hospital; I said I'd go.

We arrived at the hospital shortly before 11 PM. I was taken back for various paperwork, then waited a few minutes before some X-rays were taken. Around midnight I went back and stayed in an examination room for a while while the doctor looked into it. An hour later, I was told the doctor had ordered a shot of painkillers for me... and since it was 2 cc worth, it needed to be injected into my butt. I went from being uncomfortably warm in that room to shivering in the blink of an eye, but ended up taking it because my earlier Tylenol was wearing off. I couldn't even move for several minutes after that, but once it kicked in, I slowly rolled over and stood up. Shortly thereafter two more x-rays were taken, another round of waiting, and I finally had a diagnosis: a sprained right shoulder. I was told to be careful with it and given a prescription for Motrin. Upon being released, we went to a Walgreen's to get that prescription filled. The pharmacist had it taken care of within minutes, which surprised everyone; we all figured it would be an hour or so and would have time to get some much-needed food first. So we went for food, then - at four in the morning - I was finally back at the truck and went to bed.

I just want to thank Storm Gryph for playing taxi service, Dresil for being a coat hanger (sorry :) ), and everyone on Twitter who expressed their concern last night. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. :)

Further Confusion Summary: Thu-Sun

2010-01-24T18:41:00.001-05:00

Long story short: the convention has been a complete disappointment in almost every way possible. I was able to hang out with a friend on Thursday evening. Friday was almost nothing worth mentioning, as every event I wanted to attend either conflicted with a failed attempt to see someone else or was rescheduled without warning. The room party I did that night turned completely unenjoyable; nobody seemed to even notice I was there after about an hour, Saturday was just more of the same: the patron lunch was a significant disappointment, the poker tournament was a cruel joke, and - with a single exception - nobody wanted to do anything with me. Today has been a continuation of the above: I've text messaged several people and haven't even gotten a response from any of them.

One person in particular - who will know who he is if he decides to read this - seems to have done a fantastic job of getting in the way of every single thing I've wanted to enjoy. Nearly every person I've wanted to hang out with has been busy with him and, apparently, busy in such a way that I was not welcome to join them. The room party fell apart right about the same time he showed up, as he managed to steal the show in such a way that I wish I could have commented on at the time. Even now, he's hanging out with several people that I'd thought were mutual friends, all of whom have explicitly said they're too busy doing things with and to one another for me to be welcome with them. As a result, I'm sitting up in the room, alone, and can't even get someone to respond to a text message or answer the phone.

This was supposed to be a hatchday present for myself, given that the con is right after I turned 24. Instead, I'm regretting coming out here at all and wish that I could somehow get my money back. I probably won't even be trying to attend a convention again - anywhere, of any size - for a long time after this.

Trouble with HTC Sync and Windows 7

2010-01-21T12:08:00.000-05:00

This is probably the first significant issue I've had with the HTC Hero, and it's primarily a bug with Windows refusing to play nice with a driver installation. I'm trying to install the HTC Sync software on my PC, which also comes with a driver installation. But when it gets to the driver configuration, it doesn't do anything productive and just gives the following error... so, uh, help?

---------------------------
Device Driver Installation Wizard
---------------------------
ERROR: Path 'C:\Program Files (x86)\HTC\HTC Driver\Driver Files\Vista_x64' not found.

DPInst.exe: installs and uninstalls driver packages.

By default, the tools searches the current directory and tries to install

all driver packages found.

Usage: DPInst.exe [/U INF-file][/S | /Q][/LM][/P][/F][/SH][/SA][/A][/PATH Path][/EL][/L LanguageID][/C][/D][/LogTitle Title][/SW][/? | /h | /help]

/U path to INF file

            Uninstall a driver package (INF-file).

/S | /Q   Silent (Quiet) mode. Suppresses the Device Installation

            Wizard and any dialogs popped-up by the operating system.

/LM       Legacy mode. Accepts unsigned driver packages and packages with

            missing files. These packages won't install on the latest

            version of Windows.

/P        Prompt if the driver package to be installed is not better

            than the current one.

/F        Force install inf the driver package is not better than the

            current one.

/SH       Scans hardware for matching devices and only copies and installs

            those drivers for which a device is present. Only valid for

            Plug and Play drivers.

/SA       Suppress the Add/Remove Programs entry normally created for

            each driver package.

/A        Install all or none.

/PATH Path

            Search for driver packages under the given path.

/EL       Enables all languages not explicitly listed in the XML file.

/L LanguageID

            Tries to use the given language in all UI.

            Useful for localization tests.

/SE       Suppress the EULA.

/C        Dump logging output to attached Console (Windows XP and above).

/D        Delete driver binaries on uninstall.

/SW       Suppresses the Device Installation Wizard, the operating system

            might still pop-up user dialogs.

/? | /h | /help

            Shows this help.

---------------------------
OK
---------------------------

Final Family Christmas

2009-12-27T09:33:00.001-05:00

Given that I'm going to be moving next month, this was the last year I had to spend Christmas with the family. It was... underwhelming for the most part. The gifts I gave went over reasonably well. I received the usual array of miscellanea that made it obvious they had no idea what to get me. Then the grandparents came over and things started going downhill. To summarize: between the offensive things they said in front of me and repulsive things they said loudly while I was in the next room, I'm quite glad this is the last time I'm going to see them.

There are many things that one can discuss at a family dinner. Politics shouldn't be one of them. Even that basic courtesy went out the window though, as within five minutes of the grandparents arrival they and my father were loudly talking about how the country was going to hell, how everything that's happened in Washington since Obama's inauguration has been horrible, and ... well, I'm sure you get the idea. I was trying to ignore it but every time I tried turning the volume up on the TV in the next room, it seemed like their conversation got even louder to match. I eventually gave up, said a brief hello, and locked myself in the guest bedroom with my ear plugs in to tune out everything else.

Then dinner came along and the conversation once again took a distasteful turn. Politics were set aside, but religion came up, as did the topic of unsavory clients at a tax preparation firm. Apparently, at least to my grandparents, someone who is an exotic dancer is automatically a hooker and queers are definitely people to be ashamed to know. I bit my tongue so hard I'm surprised it didn't start bleeding. If I hadn't made a conscious decision to be civil toward everyone and avoid burning bridges I'd probably have gotten up, packed, and left immediately.

Once dinner was over, another round of gifts were exchanged, during which yet another political discussion came up. I just sat around taking pictures of everyone and everything as a distraction; I'll probably delete the damn things after I move. I returned to the bedroom as quickly as I could without appearing like a complete ass and - even with the door closed - could still clearly hear the conversation take an even more vitriolic tone. Had anyone in that conversation said outright that they hoped Obama is assassinated I wouldn't have been surprised, as they said almost everything else under the sun. Conversely, any time I even implied Bush wasn't the best thing to ever happen to America, they swiftly countered that I should support him solely because he's the President. Logic clearly doesn't mean anything to far right Republicans, nor does the concept of being decent toward other people.

The grandparents left around 7:30 and I returned to the bedroom after that. I wish I could say I was sorry to see them go, but after hearing what came out of everyone's mouth, I don't think they could have gone fast enough. If anything, I'm relieved to know that I'm not actually related to any of them. But still, it's a rather jarring reinforcement that I don't really have a family after all. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing right now.

Itinerary for January

2009-12-26T23:37:00.001-05:00

Between Further Confusion, moving, and all the other things going on, here's a short rundown of things that I have going on next month.

1st through 16th - Working

17th through 30th - Paid vacation

17th through 20th - Relaxing in Indy, prospecting for real estate

20th - I turn twenty-four years old

21st through 25th - Further Confusion!

26th - In Pensacola, saying goodbyes

27th - Driving to Indy

28th - Unpacking, turning in the U-Haul

29th - More real estate hunting, address changes, etc.

31st through ?? - Unpaid time off, three to five days, for more errands in Indy

I'll post the flight info for FC and more specific information about the move as those dates approach. I just wanted to get something quick up now while I still have the computer up.

Further Confusion and the rest of January

2009-12-15T21:08:00.001-05:00

With Further Confusion just a short month away, I want to start planning things out. I've already booked the hotel room and plan on getting pre-reg done sometime this week. However, the plane tickets remain unpurchased as I'm trying to finalize plans, arrange rides, and so on. But while I'm already going to be out on the west coast, is there anyone in that area that would want me to stick around for an extra day? I'm currently planning on taking off Monday afternoon or evening but could easily extend that to Tuesday or even Wednesday given a good reason. ;)

After the con, I'm planning on flying to Pensacola for one last time, to pack things up and make a long overdue move. While the final details are still slightly sketchy, there's a 95% chance I'll have that taken care of and be more or less settled in up there by the end of January. I'll use whatever time is left on my vacation after that to start scouting out houses and the like. I'm still tentatively optimistic about having something worked out in time to qualify for the tax credit expiring at the end of April. If not, then I'm not sure what I'll end up doing, but I'm sure it'll all come out well in the end.

Why do weekends off tend to be exhausting?

2009-12-14T01:29:00.001-05:00

Somehow I end up having the last two days off in Pensacola, and yet I don't feel any more rested now than I did when I got into town Saturday morning. I was up late last night with a friend (he left around 1 AM), then tonight I hung out with someone else, but now I'm so tired that I'm not sure I'll even be fully functioning during work tomorrow. I'm hoping I can somehow get one more day off and get to sleep at a reasonable hour for a change, but neither of those are sure things. It was a pretty good weekend overall, though; I saw a couple people that I was surprised to see, spent relatively little time putting up with my parents, and saw The Fantastic Mr. Fox which turned out to be an even better movie than I'd expected. I just wish that I weren't feeling so incredibly tired that I'm going to be struggling to keep up for the rest of the week... @_@