Shirley Vollett — Life & Relationship Coach

A personal update

Shirley — Sun, 04 Jul 2021 17:52:05 +0000

Dear friends,

Instead of my usual article, this post takes the form of a personal sharing. I’ll be taking a little pause in writing this newsletter and I wanted to fill you in on why. To do that, I’ve needed to revisit a bit of history.

How it began

June marked the 16^th anniversary of writing my newsletter!  Some of you have been with me all this time, for which I am grateful.

I began writing in 2006 with a newsletter called Get Ready For Love! and it was geared to singles. At the time, I was doing a lot of coaching with single or divorced clients, who were wanting to create a relationship with someone new – someone who would hopefully be a better fit for them than their partners of the past. I wrote about some of the topics that I felt were significant in making the journey from being single to being in relationship.

The Conscious Dating coaching program that I work with includes many articles about dating to find a committed partner.  After about two years of writing my Get Ready newsletter, I had said everything additional that I wanted to.  I ran out of steam for writing about “finding” a relationship.  My focus shifted to writing about what makes relationships tick.

Making it work

Whether single or partnered, at home or at work, I noticed that many struggled with relationship dynamics. I was passionate about sharing what I and others were learning about what works and doesn’t work in relationship. My Fulfilling Relationships newsletter was born!

Since then I have written over 50 articles about relationship – relationship with others and with self.  Drawing on experts and my own experience, I’ve shared many things that I’ve found to be helpful and important in having high quality relationships — as well as highlighting behaviours and attitudes that tend to undermine them.  It has been a rich journey!

Change is afoot

However the tides are shifting again, as my work and my interests turn more and more to matters of soul and spirit — and coming to terms with the truth that this sojourn on planet earth is a finite appearance.  I guess it’s not surprising that “third chapter” questions and issues are increasingly on my mind.

This shift has coincided with my unfolding journey as a spiritual director or “spiritual companion”.  This role is one of accompaniment – the “walking with” another as they explore and deepen into their spirituality – however they might name or define that.   I began my training in this area in 2014 and that journey eventually led to my joining the leadership team (in 2021) for the Soulguiding program: “a two year experiential program in the growth of spirit, the love of soul and the art of spiritual direction”.  Working with an inspiring group of team members and an amazing cohort of participants, this labour of love has really stretched me!

I continue to love my coaching work – and it has been wonderful to see how this work of “accompaniment” has expanded my ability to be present in the deeper questions and conversations of life with my coaching clients.  I’ve expanded to include spiritual direction clients in my private practice.

A wider view

While all this has been going on, other changes have been taking place in our world.  My focus has been shifting beyond the personal to the social systems in which we experience our personal relationships.  This has shown up in a variety of ways:

My husband and I took part in a Gender Reconciliation program, which gave me a new appreciation for how our gender roles constrain and limit both women and men — as well as those who don’t see themselves at home in this binary worldview at all.
Covid happened and my (and everyone’s) personal health is no longer personal. It now affects and is affected by the collective and we’ve all wrestled with what this means.
The murder of George Floyd and anti-racism protests happened and I, along with so many others, am wrestling with and finding my place in the conversations around racism, privilege and white supremacy. I add to this focus Vancouver’s concerning increase in anti-Asian hate crimes.
And now we have the recent discovery of the 215 graves at Kamloops Residential School; and as I write this I have just learned that hundreds of more unmarked graves have now been discovered at a Saskatchewan residential school. These discoveries underline the great need for truth-telling, healing and reconciliation with Indigenous peoples in Canada.

So many important matters to reflect on, get educated on and discern how I want to respond.

And the deeply personal

Then in late April my mother passed away (not from Covid).  I had the good fortune to be with her in her final days and mark her passing with my siblings.  On May 29^th we had a family ZOOM gathering to toast my Mom on what would have been her 100^th birthday.  I have relished a more spacious schedule since then to digest and honour the loss of my dear Mom.  I feel the reverberation of being without living parents – a shifting of the planets in my life.

And now?

So much has been stirring in both my inner and outer worlds that I find myself not quite sure what I want to be writing about, nor certain of what I now have to say.

So in terms of this newsletter, I’ll be taking some time to pause. Change is afoot; however I don’t yet know what comes next. Rest assured that you will be the first to know when clarity comes! I deeply value the connection I enjoy with so many of you through this medium.

Take a look

In the meantime, all of my past articles are available on my website.  It’s amazing how often one or another of them is pertinent to a challenge being experienced by one of my clients.  We all struggle at times with issues around boundaries, reactivity and blame, maintaining connection, the high cost of “being right”, dealing with change and loss — to name just a few.  So feel free to dip into the listing and see if you find a topic particularly relevant to something you may be struggling with or facing.  Scroll down to the bottom of the list to find the articles written specifically for singles.

May you too have the opportunity to pause as needed this summer.  May you enjoy many moments of connection, as things continue to open up for us all,

Shirley

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Where did the magic go?

Shirley — Sun, 14 Feb 2021 20:00:00 +0000

Have you ever had times of wondering if you and your partner have somehow “lost the magic”? If so, Valentine’s Day may not help. The hype surrounding Valentine’s Day highlights the kind of romance typical of the early days of a relationship — but not so much the longer term haul. You may be left wondering if everyone else is enjoying a level of sexy romance that you are not. And as usually happens when we compare ourselves to the imagined experience of others, Valentine’s Day can leave us feeling deficient.

The work of psychotherapist and author, Esther Perel is a great antidote to such feelings. You may have heard of her book Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic or The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. She also hosts a popular podcast Where Should We Begin?, which is based inside her therapist’s office as she works with anonymous couples on all kinds of marital issues. Really interesting! She also has a podcast called How’s Work?

A thought-provoking perspective

As a Belgian who speaks nine languages, Perel brings a perspective that I find to be distinctive from many North American approaches to marital problems.  She has a refreshing take on the challenge of maintaining a satisfying erotic connection in a long-term relationship.  (If that’s enough to spark your interest, you can go straight to her Tedtalk: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship.)

Perel poses the question that many married couples wonder about:  Why does good sex sometimes fade, even among couples who continue to love each other very much?  What is the difference between love and desire?  How can a couple continue to experience both? Perel covers a lot of territory in this short talk and she does it in a very entertaining way.

Here’s a taste

Perel suggests that there is an inherent tension at the heart of any long-term relationship.  When it comes to love, we all long to experience belonging, dependability, trust and security.  However, says Perel, what fuels desire is different.  Desire is associated with the elements of adventure, mystery, wanting (as opposed to having) and freedom. These elements are often present in the early stages of a relationship. However as security and trust grow, the elements that contribute to desire may wane. Predictability and comfort may have the unexpected consequence of reducing desire. Says Perel, love is about having, while desire is about wanting.

In her research, Perel asked many couples when they felt drawn or attracted to their partners.  Interestingly, some said it was when they were apart and came back together.  Absence aroused their desire and appreciation for their partner. Others said that they felt drawn to their partners when they observed them from a bit of a distance, perhaps at a social gathering or doing something related to their work, those moments when they saw their partner shine. This caused them to see their partner in a new or novel way and as separate from themselves.

Looking with new eyes

Perel goes on to explain, “It’s when I’m looking at my partner from a comfortable distance, where this person that is already so familiar, so known, is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive. And in this space between me and the other, lies the erotic élan, lies that movement toward the other. Because sometimes, as Proust says, mystery is not about traveling to new places, but it’s about looking with new eyes.”

Can it be that we are sometimes so close and familiar with our partner that we fail to see them with fresh eyes —  or as a separate person who may yet have some mysteries or aspects of themselves that we don’t know?

As I thought about this I couldn’t help but think about the times that my husband starts a familiar line of conversation and I assume that I already know what he’s feeling or thinking and what he’s going to say. There’s not much room to hear or see novelty or freshness when I’m listening from that place!  Perhaps one of the benefits of socializing and travel for many couples is not only the novelty of location but also the novelty of how they and their partners might show up in a new environment with new people – they might “see” each other with fresh eyes.

Perel is very hopeful that we can keep the erotic spark alive and some important elements are: imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity and mystery. If you’d like to hear more of Perel’s reflections on what contributes to eroticism and the characteristics she has observed of erotic couples who successfully navigate this dynamic tension, give a liste n.  She packs so much into a short talk!

You might also enjoy The Esther Perel Love Lexicon. These are her words of wisdom (combined with illustrations) taken from an podcast with Kristen Tipett. The full interview is also available at this link.

Invitation to action

If Perel’s work speaks to you, you might be interested in her online program Rekindling Desire. Could be an exciting pandemic project!

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Keep your relationship resentment-free

Shirley — Fri, 14 Aug 2020 00:28:19 +0000

I find myself unable to write about the personal realm of relationships without first acknowledging this global back-drop of events that we are all living. So much is going on in our world!

Like you, I have been intensely reflecting on all that this time of Covid-19 has revealed in our world – the sacrifices, generosities and kindnesses on the one hand – the losses, inequities and injustices on the other hand. I find myself with so much to ponder.

While we all wrestle with our response to the challenges in the wider world, we are also dealing with the very personal realm of navigating day-to-day life at home in the midst of a pandemic.

For those of you spending this time of Covid-19 with a partner, family or housemates, you may find yourselves rubbing each other the wrong way at times. Being together a lot without the usual escapes and social outlets can be wearing.

And if you live alone, you may also find some of your social relations fraught with frustrations that stem from this time of increased isolation.If your spirit of generosity and cooperation is beginning to wear thin, you may need to address your “resentment closet”. We all have one, however we don’t need to let it get cluttered. Read on.

Sending love in these times,
Shirley

Something to think about

Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.
— Quote by someone happily married for over 60 years.

How to keep your “resentment closet” clean

I’d like to share a very simple strategy for dealing with the daily annoyances and irritations that can accumulate when living in close quarters during uncertain times. My husband and I call it our “I ask forgiveness” strategy – and it’s amazing how often it helps to use it.

My husband came up with this strategy when we travelled internationally (remember those days?!). He and I have differing responses to the inconveniences and surprises that are part of travel — and sometimes it can get very un-fun. If we are both anxious or stressed, my husband gets short-tempered and irritable and very urgent; while I get dithery and indecisive and slowed-down. Not a great combo when we are late for an airplane flight or need to make a quick decision.

What to do?

Although we try not to irritate each other, our best intentions aren’t always enough when stress tips the balance.

So my husband came up with the strategy of asking forgiveness at the end of each day of travel for “any way that I have been ‘scratchy’ with you today”. We like the word ‘scratchy’. It denotes the right degree of harm – not a serious injury however noticeable and unpleasant. Sometimes we acknowledge the moment we ‘scratched’ the other; sometimes there’s no need, as we both know it!

How it works

Here’s how it goes at some point towards the end of the day. One of us says: “I ask forgiveness for the ways that I have been scratchy with you today. And I forgive you for the ways that you have been scratchy with me today”. The other responds in kind: “I forgive you for the ways you have been scratchy with me today. And I ask forgiveness for the ways I have been scratchy with you today.”

It sounds formulaic, however actually saying the words — and meaning it — makes all the difference. Sometimes the words don’t come easily; I notice that I want to hang onto my resentment. This gives me a chance to be honest with myself and make a new choice in the moment.

If said sincerely, with a genuine intent to forgive and let go, the words are very healing. The little hurts and irritations of the day are released and voila! we like each other again.

An added bonus: Over time, our awareness of how we were “scratching” each other increased – and the “scratching” decreased! Now we use the forgiveness practice as needed.
When resentments accumulate

I have noticed that if I don’t have an outlet to release those little resentments on a regular basis, then my ‘resentment closet’ gets very full. For me, resentment leads to feeling less love for the other and an increase in judging and criticizing. And we all know how partners react to being judged and criticized!

For the big stuff

If the resentments are big ones or chronic ones (your partner lies to you or doesn’t keep their agreements or consistently disregards your feelings, etc.) then a simple strategy like this one will not be a solution or address the fundamental issues. A more drastic intervention will be needed.

However for the ‘scratches’ of day-to-day living with another fallible human being, it just might do the job. While there are much bigger issues to be concerned about in our world currently, it is often in the minutiae of our day that these larger anxieties find expression. And this can be tough for the people we live with.

So if things are getting ‘scratchy’ in your household, try this out. Create or change the language so it works for you. Then be willing and loving enough to go first.

Shirley’s Update:

This newsletter is scheduled to reach you while I’m enjoying a short holiday in the Okanagan. It is welcome, as I’ve been very busy during this time of Covid-19. In addition to my client work in coaching and spiritual direction, I’m also prepping for the launch of Soulguiding 2020-22, as part of the leadership team. This is exciting work and I am really being stretched by it! It has also meant less time for writing newsletter articles.

For those of you who are interested:

Here are a some resources from the current conversations around racism and cultivating anti-racism that I’ve found helpful, thought-provoking and a spur for conversation with others.

I’m really liking a series that is offered free of charge by Tami Simon of Sounds True. It’s called Healing Racism: A 3-Part Series to embrace diversity in our personal lives, our communities and our world. (Click in the upper right hand corner of the photo to find all 3 one hour sessions.) It features Dr. Tiffany Jana, one of the leading educators in diversity, equity and inclusion. I am part-way through the series and am really impressed so far with the level of nuance and loving presence in both the questions posed and the skillful responses of Dr. Jana.
I also recommend this very comprehensive document of Anti-racism Resources. Such an extensive listing of books, films, articles, organizations, etc. gave me lots of choices about where to start my explorations.
I also particularly like this article: Performative Allyship is Deadly: Here’s what to do instead

If you are experiencing loss or grief during these pandemic times (and many of us are, in one way or another): I recommend this podcast on The Ambiguous Loss within this pandemic – an interview with Dr. Pauline Boss. (You can listen or see the written transcript.) Dr. Boss coined the term “ambiguous loss” to refer to those situations of loss which are full of unanswered questions. I found her reflections helpful and informative.

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Resources for unusual times

Shirley — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 21:56:30 +0000

Dear friends,

I am thinking of you today, as we all navigate uncharted waters together. My hope is to provide you with some of the helpful “offers” that have come to my attention in this time of Covid-19.

May you find the inner resources and outer supports that you need at this time. May you “find your feet” and your grounding on a day by day basis. May you discover unexpected gifts in these unusual circumstances. May you know what is yours to do. And may we all come to know ourselves and one another with greater clarity and compassion.

With care and love,
Shirley

Something to think about

What we see depends mainly on what we look for.
-John Lubbock

Signs of hope

The anxieties and uncertainties many of us are feeling are real. And at the same time, the signs of hope and springtime also abound. In the midst of the sobering news stories, I am also receiving some of the most generous and generative emails. So many people and organizations are freely sharing their insight and expertise at a time when inspiration and calm is exactly what is needed.

In this time of Covid-19 and social distancing, here are just a few of the many helpful resources out there — for concerns from the practical to the mystical:

For those concerned about financial hardship:

This Global news article informs Canadians how to access emergency benefits.

For those struggling with anxiety:

The Tapping Solution (based on EFT: Emotional Freedom Technique) offers some free resources to reduce stress and anxiety and boost our immune systems. This simple technique based on acupoint tapping is an effective way to release stress and anxiety related to the Covid-19 – or anything else, for that matter! Search for the Tapping Solution App on your phone or visit http://TheTappingSolution.com I’ve tried them and they work!

Brene Brown has just launched a new podcast and her first sharing is all about the vulnerability and fear of doing anything for the first time — including living through a pandemic! I found her words normalizing at a time that is anything but normal. You can also check out her blog called: Collective Vulnerability, the FFTs of Online Learning, and the Sacredness of Bored Kids.

For inspiration and perspective:

This beautiful poem by Lynn Ungar shifted my mindset into viewing this enforced slow down as “sacred time”.

Buddhist teachers Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield share some wonderful resources for those wanting to dive deeper. Creating a Home Retreat: Finding Freedom Wherever You Are Many resources are shared generously, including a variety of guided meditations and teaching segments, if you’d like to create a home retreat. Listen to one or many.

Hay House publishing is also offering free podcasts and videos on a range of inspirational topics pertinent to this time we are experiencing, featuring speakers such as Wayne Dwyer and Louise Hays.

And for parents:

These are just a few of many articles on home activities for kids and pointers for how to work from home with kids. Remembering those days of parenting young children, my heart goes out to you as you juggle it all! I hope these articles stimulate some ideas and get those self-preservation strategies percolating! More articles are available by googling “what to do with kids at home”.

How to keep your kids busy (and learning) while schools are closed.

The Secret To Keeping Your Kids Happy, Busy and Learning If Their School Closes Due To Coronavirus.

Help! I’ve got kids, what do I do? Tips for parents working from home

This is Staples’ list of craft supplies. Just reading the list will spark ideas. And they deliver!

To stay in touch with others:

Try free video conferencing with ZOOM. Their free basic service will allow you to talk one-to-one on your smartphone or computer with friends or family without cost. You can even set up a group video conference call lasting up to 40 minutes. It’s as close as you’ll get to being there in person! And this basic service won’t cost you anything. (You can always upgrade if you want longer, unlimited group calls.)

These are only a few of the many resources being made available to us daily. We are not alone in this! If you have suggestions to add, please drop me an email as I love to pass on helpful info.

Personally

Each day I am looking for the opportunity of this enforced “slow down”. Here is found time for those things I often say I want more of: quiet time to reflect, time to read that stack of books on my night table, time to declutter my office and my closets, time to watch Netflix without guilt, time to declutter my computer before it freezes, time to walk in the forest, time to notice the unmistakable signs of spring, time to cook and try new recipes, time to nap, time to connect via phone or Facetime or ZOOM, time to enjoy my home and my family.

Sounds pretty good! I know that’s not the case for everyone. I realize that I have the luxury of already working virtually, so my adjustments are minimal. And I don’t have young children to entertain and make decisions for. And I don’t live alone – so social isolation is less of a concern.

However, I have talked with individuals in all of these other situations and what has struck me is this: I hear people finding resourceful ways to respond to their own needs. I also hear people reaching out to others, to see what they can do for them. And I hear people reflecting on what they are grateful for – knowing that it can always be much worse than it is.

I celebrate all the hopefulness that I see and hear!

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A love like that

Shirley — Fri, 14 Feb 2020 21:49:51 +0000

Something to think about

“Even after all this time,
The sun never says to the earth,
‘You owe me.’
Look what happens with
A love like that.
It lights the whole sky.”
–Hafiz of Persia

Reflection

I live at the foot of Mt. Seymour in North Vancouver. Just minutes out my front door I can be on the trails at the base of the mountain, enjoying the smell of cedar trees and the damp earth. First thing in the morning, three times a week, I am joined by my good friend and walking buddy, Mary Anne. This is self-care at its’ best! Stimulating conversation and the steady rhythm of walking.

On a sunny day the birds serenade us. On a foggy day the birds are quiet and we enjoy the beauty of evergreens shrouded in mist. Whatever the weather, nature shares its’ gifts freely and fully. Like the sun in this verse by Hafiz, the forest asks nothing in return.

I wonder

It causes me to wonder how many other things in life I enjoy because of freely given love?

I need only to look around my home for starters. The stories that grace my book shelves are someone’s labour of love shared freely with the world. The paintings on my wall are an expression of someone’s love of colour and beauty and form. The afghan on my chair is a product of my mother’s love — knitted many years ago.

So many of the people and things I enjoy in my life are the result of someone expressing their gifts and love into the world – in a myriad of different forms. This is indeed something to ponder…

So may this Valentine’s Day bring with it awareness and appreciation for the “love made tangible” that is all around you today.

Thank you for the love that YOU make tangible, every day, by being who you are and doing what you do – as only you can.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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What self-compassion is and isn’t

Shirley — Sat, 02 Nov 2019 00:42:17 +0000

I recently facilitated some small group sharing on the topic of self-compassion. I had done some reading that inspired me to think about this topic in some new ways and I wanted to share that. However I was a little worried that the topic might not fly well in a mixed group.

I was wrong. Everyone had something to say about what it meant to be compassionate with themselves and how they were doing with that. I like to think that we all deepened a little more fully into treating ourselves with love.

Something to think about

Says Jack Kornfield: If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.

How compassionate are you with yourself?

How do you treat yourself when confronted with your own personal inadequacies and failings — or when facing difficult situations? Are you kind to yourself? Or do you berate and get down on yourself?Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. I know that my inner critic is tougher on me than I would ever be to someone I love. This is true for many of my clients too. Sometimes, when a client is being hard on herself, I will ask how she would treat a dear friend in the same tough situation as she is in. Her tone usually softens immediately.

For me, one of the perks of growing older has been an increasing acceptance of myself, warts and all, and a growing capacity to treat myself with compassion. It’s a work in progress; however I notice that the more self-compassion I can bring to any challenging situation or painful experience I’m having, the more inner resources I liberate to cope with my situation. And I feel so much better in the process.

A helpful definition

In this endeavour to be kinder to myself, I’ve been inspired by the work of Dr. Kristen Neff and her research on self-compassion. She makes a compelling case for the health, happiness and relationship benefits of practising self-compassion and provides the research (done by herself and others) to back up her claims.

So what does self-compassion actually mean? Drawing on the writing of various Buddhist teachers, Neff defines self-compassion as being composed of three core components:

Self-kindness: This entails being gentle and understanding with ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, rather than being harshly critical or judgmental. We acknowledge that being imperfect and experiencing difficulties is an inevitable part of life.
Recognition of our common humanity: Harsh self-judgement or adverse circumstances can lead to feelings of isolation, comparing ourselves negatively to others or feeling that life is “unfair” to us alone. Self-compassion entails feeling connected with others, knowing that others also suffer; rather than feeling isolated or alienated by our suffering.
Mindfulness: Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental, receptive state of mind in which thoughts and feelings are observed as they are. We hold our experience in balanced awareness. We don’t ignore our pain nor do we exaggerate it.

This rich and nuanced definition can serve as a great guide to knowing whether I am being truly self-compassionate – or sliding into one of the less desirable attitudes of self-pity or self-indulgence.

Myths about self-compassion

Our ambivalent relationship to self-compassion may interfere with practising it. In their publication The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook authors Neff and Germer outline the misgivings many people have about self-compassion. They also dispel misconceptions by drawing on research.

Here are some of the questions they hear — and what the research actually shows:

1. What if self-compassion leads to a “pity party” and “woe is me”?

While many people fear falling into self-pity, Neff would argue that self-compassion is actually an antidote for self-pity. “While self-pity says “poor me”, self-compassion recognizes that life is hard for everyone.” This is where the recognition of our common humanity comes in. We remember that everyone suffers from time to time and we are not unique or alone in our suffering.

2. What if self-compassion makes me weak or wimpy, when I need to be strong?

Although it is changing, there tends to be a big fear of being weak or vulnerable. In fact, self-compassion is a reliable source of strength and resilience. Says Neff and Germer: “Research shows that self-compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like divorce, trauma or chronic pain.”

3. What if being self-compassionate makes me selfish when I should be thinking of others?

Giving compassion to ourselves may actually enable us to give more to others. Again, research shows that self-compassionate people tend to be more caring and supportive in romantic relationships, more likely to compromise in relationship conflicts and are more forgiving toward others.

4. What if self-compassion makes me lazy and unmotivated?

People worry that self-compassion might undermine their motivation to achieve. Many people believe that self-criticism is an effective motivator, however it comes at the price of undermining self-confidence and can lead to fear of failure. Self-compassionate people may have high personal standards, however they don’t beat up on themselves when they fail – which may mean they are more likely to try again and persist.

5. What if I’m so compassionate towards myself I let myself get away with hurting others or messing up?

Self-compassion is not a form of making excuses for bad behaviour. It actually provides the safety needed to admit mistakes, rather than blame others defensively. Research shows that “self-compassionate people take greater personal responsibility for their actions and are more likely to apologize if they’ve offended someone”.

It’s a gift to us all

The benefits of self-compassion for you, your health and your relationships is well documented and researched. As Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron has said regarding the Buddhist practice of Maitri or loving kindness: “Without loving kindness for ourselves, it is difficult, if not impossible to genuinely feel it for others.” Rest assured that what you give to yourself by way of self-compassion will flow back to all of us.

Invitation to action

The next time you are dealing with a sense of personal failure or inadequacy or an external situation that is causing you suffering, review the definition of self-compassion for inspiration in practising it. Remember the 3 components and ask yourself:

Self-kindness (Am I treating myself with kindness not criticism?)
Recognition of our common humanity (Am I remembering I am not alone — that others also struggle and suffer at times?)
Mindfulness (Can I be aware without judgement, neither ignoring nor exaggerating the pain?)

Notice how you feel when you shift to a more self-compassionate stance. And notice how you treat others when you are feeling compassion for yourself.

**For further exploration of self-compassion, visit Neff’s website which is rich in resources, including her Tips for Practice.

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When adversity hits those you love

Shirley — Fri, 30 Aug 2019 00:16:59 +0000

Whether you are affected by the struggles of someone you care for – or are experiencing adversity yourself – it can be tough to find a way to be with the pain and suffering that life sometimes brings.

I offer the following ruminations on what I’ve found to be helpful when adversity hits.

Something to think about

I do not at all understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.
— Anne Lamott

We live in a community of care

As human beings, we are wired to care for and about one another. That care extends to times of joy and to times of adversity. It is wonderful to celebrate birthdays, weddings and milestone accomplishments as a family and community. The difficult times of misfortune, illness and death are also a time of coming together – as we comfort and stand by each other in the face of life’s challenges and mystery.

Unless we harden our hearts to the situations of others, we are affected by what happens to those people that we love – and sometimes even those people that we don’t know but whose tragedies we read and hear about.

So how do we keep our hearts open, when faced with the challenges and suffering of others? And how do we keep our hearts open in the face of our own adversity?

What I’ve learned

Here are four things that I have learned in my journey with loved ones who are facing illness or loss:

1. Let go of the “why?” question

When a dear friend was diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer, I railed against this situation for many weeks. I couldn’t believe that this could happen to someone so full of life who contributed so much to others. It seemed so unjust and it made no sense. I was angry, confused and so very distressed.

Over time, I came to accept this situation, which I was powerless to change. And eventually I concluded that the “why is this happening?” question simply wasn’t helpful and only resulted in my own suffering.

Acceptance of hard truth is never easy. However as someone once wryly said, “You can fight with reality, but reality always wins.” I have concluded that I cannot know what another person’s soul path is all about – and why things happen they way they do. Many questions may never be answered. And this is part of the mystery of life and death that we all wrestle with. Letting go of asking “why?” can free us up to respond in other ways.

2. Focus on giving thanks on a daily basis

The benefits of practising gratitude have been well documented and written about. And it is perhaps one of the hardest things to do in the midst of loss and adversity. However a daily gratitude practice can help us find the moments of light during very dark times. And we need whatever light we can find!

I’m a big advocate of journal writing and its benefits. I see journaling as a way to dump out the good and the bad of my day – like running clean water through dirty pipes. It can be very therapeutic and grounding.

Some days my journaling can be a rant of all that is wrong with the world or not working in my life. So I have cultivated the habit of listing “5 things I give thanks for” at the end of each journaling session.

What I have discovered through years of doing this practice is that there is ALWAYS something to give thanks for. Sometimes my thanks are for the simplest of things: “the sunshine today” or “my warm bed” — and often it includes those people in my life that I love. Giving thanks doesn’t fix or change the adversity that another or I may be experiencing. However it gives me fuel for the journey – and reminds me that even in the midst of challenge, I am not without daily gifts and resources.

3. Stay in the present moment

Being present to ourselves — right here, right now – is where our aliveness lives. We suffer when we anticipate and worry about the future. “I’m afraid I’ll be alone.” “I’m afraid for my friend.” “I’m afraid bad things could happen to me – or to the people I love.” As researcher Brene Brown has pointed out, we engage in foreboding when we feel acutely vulnerable to loss. And anyone who loves is vulnerable to loss.

However, in the present moment, this fearful future only exists in our imagination. It may or may not turn out the way we are imagining. Can we be present to the feelings we are experiencing NOW, rather than the ones we are anticipating in future? This is the challenge for many of us worriers!

Our emotions will come and go. That is the nature of emotions – always moving and changing. If we can be present to what we are experiencing in THIS moment — that is really all we ever have to cope with. Though we fear our emotions will overwhelm us, they have much less power if we can accept them and know that “this too shall pass”.

I say this, knowing that this isn’t easy, when emotions are particularly deep and painful. However our fear of feeling pain or sadness is often worse than the pain or sadness itself. In fact, it may be a relief to feel the feelings and let them move through.

4. Know that your presence makes a difference

You may feel powerless in the face of a loved one’s illness or adversity and there may not be anything you can “do” about it. For many of us “helpers” this can be difficult. However I invite you to consider the great gift you can give by merely being present to another’s pain.

I have always suspected the difference that caring presence can make, however it was confirmed by the sharing of a colleague that I met a few years ago. She was vibrantly healthy until she contracted Lyme’s disease in her early 30’s. At a particularly low point, she was in so much chronic pain that she couldn’t even speak to the friend who visited her. However she told me that her friend’s presence — even though there was little conversation — made all the difference to her in being with her pain. Somehow it made it more bearable. She wasn’t alone.

I try to remember her experience when there’s seems to be nothing I can “do” for another. We can always bring our vulnerable, caring presence.

The courage to love

So if you are currently rocked by the pain or misfortune of those you love — or are challenged yourself — may you find the grace you need to:

let go of figuring out ‘’why?”
experience daily moments of gratitude
focus on the present moment of your experience and
remember the gift that your presence may be.

Keeping our hearts open in the face of suffering is a courageous act. Fortunately, love is a great source of courage.

Invitation to action

Take whatever suggestions seem helpful to you from this article and leave the rest. And I would love to hear what YOU have learned about staying openhearted in the face of pain and suffering. Email me! We’re all in this together.

The post When adversity hits those you love appeared first on Shirley Vollett --- Life & Relationship Coach.

Make your whole summer feel like a vacation

Shirley — Sun, 30 Jun 2019 00:12:03 +0000

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.
– Chinese Proverb

Happy vacation-time!

Have you had a chance to get away yet? Are you taking advantage of the longer days and sunny weekends? I hope you are honouring your need for rest and play — whether or not you’re able to take an extended holiday this summer.

I’m getting ready to head to the Okanagan for the long weekend. While I wanted to get a newsletter out before leaving, I’ve been challenged by low energy and a chest cold that just wouldn’t let go. Once again I’ve discovered that “running on fumes” is not conducive to creative output!

So this issue I’m recycling some summer advice that has stood the test of time for me. Though I’m happy to say that my health is on the mend, I am still embracing my need for rest and relaxation. I invite you to do the same. Summer affords such a wonderful opportunity to renew your relationship with yourself, as well as with your significant others. And it’s such a great chance to play!

Here are six tips for having a rejuvenating summer:

1) Treat the whole summer as a holiday.
Think of your times of work as short interruptions in a two month long vacation. Let your work take place against the background of being on vacation. Notice how differently the summer feels and how differently you may feel about your free time!

2) Let the spirit move you into action.
Don’t “make” yourself do anything this summer that isn’t absolutely essential. Make play and rest the priority and wait until you spontaneously want to get things done, before starting them. Once you’ve rested enough, you’ll spring into action.

3) Enjoy your senses!
Summer offers a sensual feast! Warm sun on your skin… the taste of fresh strawberries… the slippery coolness of swimming or ice cream…. Enjoy the pleasures that summer has to offer – they will nurture your body AND soul.

4) Share your needs and expectations.
Let your family/partner know what you want and need this summer to rejuvenate. Time alone? A change of pace? Quiet reflection? Exuberant activity? Invite each member of your immediate family to share their expectations and hopes for the summer. Then you can begin to make space for each other’s needs and wants – and plan a summer that gives everyone what is essential to them.

5) Celebrate your accomplishments and your relationships.
Gather your “wins” from the first half of the year and give yourself a big pat on the back for all your efforts – whether or not everything worked out as expected. As you celebrate each accomplishment or how you’ve grown, bring to mind all those individuals who have supported and encouraged you along the way. Say a word of thanks for the richness of your life.

6) Listen to the whisperings of your soul.
The insights and awareness you receive in the summer months can help you set the direction for the rest of your year. Give yourself opportunities to be with yourself and listen within. Time spent in nature or creative pursuits are perfect for this. Let those deeper messages float to the surface and guide you.

I warmly wish for you and yours that perfect blend of relaxation and adventure!

Invitation to action

Keep on the look-out for ways to relax, enjoy and savour this summer season. Watch out for those “shoulds” that can zap your life energy. Choose what enlivens instead.

The post Make your whole summer feel like a vacation appeared first on Shirley Vollett --- Life & Relationship Coach.

Celebrate the people you love

Shirley — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 04:40:34 +0000

A new meaning for this special day

Valentine’s Day for me is inextricably linked to the birth of my daughter. I went into labour February 14, 1989 while watching an episode of Thirtysomething and eating take-out pasta. That was the most Valentine’s Day excitement I could handle in my very pregnant state.

As we watched our favourite show, I began to have mild cramps. So we timed them dutifully, realizing that light contractions had begun and THIS WAS IT. We’d been warned not to go to the hospital too early because first labours can be very long. So we settled in and thought we had all the time in the world…

Things abruptly changed when my water broke at 10:30pm and heavy labour ensued! We anxiously awaited the arrival of our friend Trudy, our birth support person — while Jim ran around getting a suitcase put together, with me yelling instructions in-between intense contractions. Once Trudy arrived, we headed out for the hospital.

Even getting to the car seemed to take forever despite it being parked right in front of the house. Each time a contraction hit I doubled over and had to stop walking. Same scenario when we got to the other end of the drive until I finally sank into a wheelchair at the hospital emergency entrance.

Our daughter Sarah made her appearance at 1:19am on the 15^th. Not quite a Valentine’s Day baby. However she was the best Valentine’s gift I’d ever received. And the one I had to work the hardest for!

This year is special

So I’ve thought of Sarah and being in labour and the miracle of birth every Valentine’s Day evening since then. And it will be heightened this year. My “baby” is turning 30 years old. How did THAT happen?!

This past weekend Sarah threw a big birthday party to celebrate. It was a feast of food, music and song — and a coming together of her friends gathered over a life-time. Sarah has performed for many years with the Broadway Chorus and has a wonderful friend group of fellow performers. So her party had an open mic for all who wished to contribute their talents – musically or otherwise.

Not being brave enough to sing, I turned my efforts to culling our family photo albums to create a slide show of her life. (How fun to share “little Sarah” with those who’ve only known her as an adult.) It was a big job, as I take a lot of pictures! So getting it down to a five minute slide show was a feat of decision-making. However in the process, I took a 30 year journey down memory lane. And what a rich trip it was. If you want to get into the mood for celebrating the people you love this Valentine’s Day, I highly recommend it!

The upside of parenting

I have never been more in touch with the “perks” of having children than this past weekend, as I watched my daughter sing her heart out and be appreciated by her friends – many of whom also sang their hearts out. I loved hearing my husband share his poem about Sarah’s growing up years – including some good-natured teasing. And as I watched my son, Jonathan, appreciate his big sister, my parental heart swelled with love.

Just to be clear, our family navigated more than a few sibling spats and conflicts over the years, as many families do. Our kids have quite different temperaments and interests and it was sometimes a juggle to make family decisions. And like most parents, my husband and I would have welcomed a “do-over” in how we handled some situations. However those memories softened for me that evening into the larger picture of the love that holds us together as a family — differences, spats and all. In the big picture, we are solidly in each other’s corner.

Treat yourself to some remembering

So this Valentine’s Day I invite you to take a trip down your particular memory lane and remember the love that holds you close with your loved ones – whether it be your children, a spouse, extended family, grandchildren — or your friends-and-family-of-choice. Pull out the photo albums or scan through your digital pics. Remember all the love you have invested in those relationships, remember all the love that has come back to you through those relationships and remember how you have grown (and are continuing to grow) in response to them.

Your relationships don’t have to be perfect to appreciate them. Relationships rarely are. However through all the ups and downs, relationships provide our “grist for the mill” in learning to love. And what we learn about letting the fullness of love express through us can never be lost or taken away. Even when or if those relationships change or pass away.

May your heart be full this Valentine’s Day!

Shirley

The post Celebrate the people you love appeared first on Shirley Vollett --- Life & Relationship Coach.

My best tip for a great vacation

Shirley — Mon, 30 Jul 2018 23:59:05 +0000

Summer is finally here! Beauty is everywhere and I hope you’re finding opportunities to play in the sun. If you want to set yourself up for a satisfying summer vacation, read on for a personal tip that has served me in my relationship for years.

Not every vacation is equal.

—Shawn Anchor

When vacations don’t live up to our expectations

We all look forward to vacations, however we don’t always have the good time that we hoped for. This is especially true when there is conflict over what we will do and when we will do it – and when our assumptions about the vacation don’t match our partner’s. Even the most idyllic setting can be no fun when one or both partners are upset or disgruntled. If we’re holidaying with children too, the potential for relationship conflict can increase exponentially!

My husband and I had a few less-than-ideal get-away’s until we learned a simple strategy that has prevented lots of potential discord. It’s as simple as this:

Take the time to share your expectations of the holiday with one another.

I guarantee that when you express and clarify your expectations up front with each other – the likelihood that you will get what you desire will increase dramatically – and the likelihood of upsets will decrease.

Here’s how to do it:

One of you raises the topic by asking, “What do you hope to get out of this holiday? What are your expectations?” This is an opportunity for the other to reflect on what they want and need from this time away – individually and in relation to each other.

If it’s a driving trip, my husband and I typically do this on our way to our destination. If we’re flying, we can do it on the plane. Or it can also be a great thing to do while planning a major trip – to help clarify what you want to plan for.

My typical response when we do a weekend away might run something like this:

I want to get rested up – sleep as long as I like in the morning. I want to get some exercise, maybe go for some good, long walks together. I’d like one or two nice dinners out. I’d like to have one of those far-ranging conversations we sometimes have when we have lots of time to talk about where we’re going in our work and our lives over the next few months. I want some unhurried time for love-making. I want to feel close and connected again, before the busy-ness that awaits us when we get home. I’d like to do something adventurous – see or do something new or try something fun. I want to dig into that good book I brought or do some journal-writing. I want some time alone.

When one of us has described what we are hoping for, the other takes their turn – often saying “ditto” to the things mentioned already that are on their list too — and sometimes sharing other desires that are unique to them. We discover the areas that we naturally agree on – and we plan how to include the things that are different. As you can imagine, my husband’s list is often shorter and pithier than mine!

Adding children into the mix

Of course it’s much easier when there are just two of you. However we discovered that a modified version of scoping expectations worked well with our kids too.

Sometimes it was as simple as asking: “What’s the one thing you want to do that would make this a great vacation?” After hearing from everyone, we knew how to structure activities so that everyone got something that would make the vacation great for them.

In our family, our two kids have very different interests – so this was an important ask. We found that if everyone was going to get something they wanted, they were more generous in going along with an activity that was the interest of someone else. It only seemed fair – which is of utmost importance to most kids!

Expectations will vary depending on the type of vacation

Over the years we’ve observed that there are various types of vacation – each has its’ own unique characteristics. Expectations can differ greatly depending on which type of vacation we are embarking on.

In our household, there are three basic types of vacation:

Family visits: These trips are oriented around seeing our extended families and nurturing those ongoing relationships. We love family visits however we rarely find them to be restful. There are usually many people to see and much food is consumed! And sometimes we struggle with the ways our families differ and how best to navigate that.

R & R vacations: These are the holidays which are all about recreation and rest! We often go somewhere sunny for these – however winter sport enthusiasts might prefer to take their R & R vacations somewhere snowy and cold. The main agenda on this vacation is to do whatever is relaxing and rejuvenating. There is no one to please but ourselves.

Sight-seeing vacations: These trips are oriented around seeing sights and new places. These trips are often international and often involve some tours or guided experiences. Our goal is learning and exploration and they are usually more packed with activities than our R & R vacations. These are not put-your-feet-up trips, so we are wise to rest up before heading out on them.

As you can imagine, our expectations for ourselves and each other are different for each type of vacation. It is always so helpful to review those expectations before each unique trip setting. Some vacations will of course be a mixture. Our last trip to Europe included some family visiting as well as sight seeing — and this time we made more of an effort to include some R & R moments too.

I’m sure each of you has discovered your own personal vacation preferences. They will be as unique as your couple! Expressing and clarifying your expectations before you go can make your great vacation even better.

Invitation to action

Experiment with sharing your hopes and expectations for your vacation up-front – and see what difference that makes to a harmonious holiday.

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