Shit Saint Louis Says

St. Louis hits a comments tipping point

2014-10-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

I've been out of the game for a little bit because the whole Ferguson thing really turned the normal shit show of news comments into a constant repetition of idiocy. There are only so many times I can screen cap "Where are the protests against black on black crimes?!?!" Or "Pants up, Don't Loot" before you're going to start getting really irritated with my updates.

This weekend St. Louis police shot and killed a man in South City who allegedly shot at the cop first. There's plenty of speculation and blah blah blah, you know the drill.

But a tipping point has been reached and things have gotten weird.

What a magical flag we have. Obviously everyone angry and protesting are on welfare because that's the only thing that makes sense to most of these people. Why on earth would someone who makes a living wage ever be angry about something?

You'll notice a pattern with this kind of thinking. If you call anyone out for a comment like this, you know they're going to say "Well, I didn't say black, you did "YOU'RE TOTALLY THE RACIST NOT ME" when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt they aren't picturing a white person when they say this shit. Yet whenever a white person kills someone, words like "Thug" aren't used. Welfare isn't brought up and comments sections tend to be more sympathetic.

Comments like this aren't exactly word soup because there's a coherent thought pattern, but at the same time it makes no god damn sense. When people talk about white privilege, remember this post. Because even the dumbest dipshits in the world can make enough money to post on facebook if they are white

Micheal Wilding gets featured here a lot for his not-racist but totally racist remarks. I doubt any protester had this guy as a supporter ever for anything. Unless it's protesting common sense.

And I don't know where this idea comes from that everyone protesting is on welfare. I know the Darren Wilson supporters liked to tell protesters to get a job during the Ferguson protests. Of course, completely ignoring the "We support Darren Wilson" protesters I've seen in the middle of the day. I'm sure they all just have vacation days to use up.

As for respect, fuck you Josh. Everyone should get the same amount of respect as a human being. Every time I meet someone who tells me I have to "earn their respect" I generally discover they aren't people who's respect I give a damn about.

Yes, I hope all these bad black people get shot because the nice black man named Michael at work doesn't deserve this. In fact, Michael hasn't said anything about how these protesters are bad, so he might be just as terrible. At least his name isn't DeShaun or something that doesn't sound like a good, Christian Anglo name. Why, Michael even talks in a way I can understand! And he introduced me to good black music, like Luther Vandross. None of that hoppety-hip that THOSE people listen to! Not my Michael!

Can anyone tell me what a common black person is?

David apparently has finger diarrhea because he is just typing shit all over my internet. I'm not sure how the Swedish police system works, but I'm fairly sure there isn't anything about killing based on gender.

Take note of these assholes because they are straight up calling to go around shooting people in the streets. I doubt they would because these are the words of cowards, whiners and over all little children, but they are certainly tough keyboard warriors.

This is what I hate about some gun owners. They want to kill someone. They hope and pray and dream of the day that they can pull the trigger. They probably hope it's against a black man who's broken into their house to steal the gold they've been hording and afterward raping their women.

When we talk about mental health in the gun culture, remember these people as well. Remember Rich Novak, Jose Capo and Michael Wilding because they all probably have no difficulties obtaining firearms. And they obviously have no business owning them.

It's a god damn flag, you assholes. Lighting one on fire isn't going to bring Washington DC to its knees. If it did, you'd probably have done it as soon as Obama was elected.

You can't deport someone who's from America. You'd just be forcing them to live somewhere else. And then probably bitching about how much it would cost in taxes.

Well Panama, the two aren't the same people. Most people are praying and peacefully protesting. A small minority are acting like dicks.

Nice Assyrian mythology call-out, though.

I'm fairly certain this is some kind of flash mob/improve class homework.

Literally every cliche possible. All it needs is a "Winners don't do drugs" to cap it off.

Houston weighing in on the South City economic stability. Glad to hear all about how our city doesn't have people who can pass the Police test from some dipshit over a thousand miles away.

Honestly, the reason no one in TGS becomes a cop is because they are all vegetarian and couldn't abide becoming pigs.

Ugh, this guy. Apparently A) Marines are so dumb they would blindly shoot people in South St. Louis because someone tells them it's Fallujah and B) I manged to Bootstrap my way to the top so THE REST OF YOU CERTAINLY CAN AS WELL

As always, I believe about 15% of things I read on the internet, and even less in a the comments section. Fuck this guy and his profile picture of a shot grouping. And fuck you calling for contractors to use MY TAXES to quell a protest. Blackwater was a joke and most of us in Iraq hated them because they managed to fuck everything up with their cavalier "Fuck it, shoot them all" attitude that would get us dragged to the Hague.

I mean shit, someone broke a window, stole a flag and burned it. Someone best call the National Guard because shit is about to turn into Shock and Awe up in here.

Poor Sonia, she needs to get up tomorrow to go to HER JOB where she MAKES MONEY for the HOUSE SHE OWNS in THE NEIGHBORHOOD SHE LIVES IN and has no time for rowdy protesters!

And how dare anyone show any solidarity with their fellow people. Am I not allowed to come to TGS to protest because I live in Carondelet? Because I've been reading people not even from this damn country weighing in on what's been going on in the area.

Though to be fair, I make fun of the Cherokee street hipsters because I've never seen people more up their own asses about neighborhoods they don't live in. Buy by god do I want their money to pour into my neighborhood.

If there's one thing I can say came from these protests, it's the first time this statement has been uttered.

For the next decade, every shooting in St. Louis is going to be compared to Mike Brown, and in many ways we should be questioning the way our police do their business.

But these people make it hard to listen to what anyone else has to say outside of their echo chamber. There are deep seated issues in this county and especially this city, and no one on top of the racial food chain wants to sit down and talk about it.

Comments sections after the Ferguson shooting.

2014-09-04T14:26:00.002-07:00

KSDK took my baby away

2014-08-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

The school season is here. Soon, all those little shits who roam the streets like loud, selfie driven wild animals will be herded back into their Government approved babysitting and I can take a day off without having to shake my fist or use the hose to spray down kids on my lawn.

A growing number of parents are taking photos of their kids on their first day of school in an attempt to create some kind of photo album at the end of their high school career. Of course, most of these people don't understand how to even use the phones they have in their hands beyond taking a photo and uploading it to facebook, so I don't worry too much about my social media feed being stacked with photo albums of children smiling next to their future, scowling selves.

KDSK wants to see these photos and are urging parents to share their back to school photos. Unfortunately, the internet has hit maximum paranoia on perverts and murders and the balance is shifting from THIS IS SO ADORABLE to I'M NOT POSTING MY BABY BOY SO HE CAN GET MURDERRAPED!

Running rampant! Sounds like kids are getting snatched up left and right. However, you can do whatever you wish with your children's safety if you like. I'm sure no one will stare disapprovingly at you with pursed lips and crossed arms.

So we need societal guidelines now to keep us safe from all the sweaty dudes in panel vans. I wonder what those guidelines would be.

1. No talking to strangers. Even other children. The friends you have are accidental and you shouldn't make that mistake in the future.

2. Weekly perimeter checks of the bars on the windows to keep you properly locked in

3. Every year, the chain and lock we use to keep you secured to the couch will be replaced

Next week's post: Why do children just play video games all day?!?!?!?

Are people under the impression that they have children that are just too pretty to not get raped? Pedophiles probably don't troll the KSDK facebook wall for new children to snap up.

I could be wrong though. If you're a pedophile and you do use the Facebook walls of local news affiliates, please comment and correct me.

What exactly is the thought process here? If we don't say where children go to school, no one will know to look in schools for children? Or they will see your child and be overcome with pedo desires.

Searching for "Saint Louis sex ring" (hey there NSA!) produced some information about human trafficking in the area, prostitution busts and a few "House of the Rising Sun" type places. It didn't bring up any underground child trafficking network. But again, I'm not too sure if these things exist or not. If you're part of an underground child trafficking sex ring, please comment below and correct me.

Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't be cautious with your children, but the next generation of kids are going to come out weird if this is the current trend of suburbanite moms. Kids who were dragged to Jazzercize or Billy Blanks Tae Bo classes, glued to a screen because they aren't allowed to run and play like the rest of us did.

Maybe I'm not paranoid enough, but your child is more likely to get abducted by your estranged ex-husband than a weirdo pedophile. Hell, it's even more likely they'll run away from home since their parents are overbearing buzzkills who take them to outdated exercise classes.

Never!

A quick "Fuck these people right here" list.

2014-08-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

Or lord, I bring back the blog and suddenly a week of why I put it on hiatus suddenly happens. It's been a shitstorm in the comments sections since the protesting in Ferguson, Mo., and of course the racists gonna racist. You get one day of some mild rioting and a few (alleged) molotov cocktails and suddenly every frightened white person twenty miles away shits themselves like the Huns are coming.

Fake pictures of Michael Brown (Because racist white people can't tell back people apart), rumors of Brown's mile long rap sheet (non-existent), videos of angry black people talking into cell phone cameras calling for more riots (People who don't live here and videos that are for the most part ignored by anyone in the actual protests) are being heavily circulated by shitty people.

Pictured: Not Michael Brown at all.

WARNING: THE IMAGES YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE WILL HURT YOUR HEART, IRK YOUR SOUL AND POSSIBLY MAKE YOU HATE HUMANITY. TO HELP, I WILL INSERT CUTE GIFS AND PICTURES TO KEEP YOU FROM PUNCHING YOUR COMPUTER SCREENS.

I love it when a comment stacks itself so perfectly. Black people aren't still angry about slavery (Well, the sane people aren't). However, using Obamaphones (started under Bush) welfare recipients and free health care as insults to an entire group of people sure gives me a reason to hate whitey.

LOL, this cat is reminding you to pet it!

Yeah, this is pretty much the same thing as a white cop gunning down an unarmed black teen in the streets, and then leaving the body out for a few hours. Did you guys also protest it, or was it the normal response of shaking your head, offering a prayer on Sunday if you remember to go to church and then move on with your lives.

Robert, shut the fuck up. Your "we" I'm sure means "We white people" and I have no time for that bullshit in my Army.

Guys, bacon tastes great no matter what stage it's in!

Yep, that's the number one priority here, the looting of a couple stores and a burned up QuikTrip. Not the systemic violence, the tear gas, the fear and anger of a community at the people sworn to protect and serve them. All we need to worry about is Shoe Carnival and the hair extensions place!

Tammy, there's a thing called insurance that helps out during times like this. Also, a lot of employers aren't as cold and heartless as you seem to be since materials are more important to you than a human life.

Douchecanoe.

Just...come on! Get over here!

Guyz! No one said nigger, so it CAN'T be racist! It's just a comments section filled with words like apes, cockroaches, welfare and people who claim racism is over even though they probably cross the street to avoid black people walking towards them. They also have a black friend who is totally cool and talks, acts and does things just like me! It's just the black culture that's a problem, which my black friend isn't a part of because really I just see him as a dark skinned white person.

It's shitty to call any human being an animal. It's called dehumanization, and it makes you disassociate yourself with your fellow people as if you're any better.

Ever see animals in the wild? They're boring as all hell. Just sleeping, eating and shitting. Sounds like most of the people who comment on news facebook feeds. Boring, soulless people with nothing worthwhile in their lives beyond continuing the human race and raising equally boring children.

Fucking animals

There's one in every group

Protests were held all over the country last night in support of Michael Brown and against the militarization of police forces. It was great to see people in every city of every race come together for a small suburb in St. Louis, Mo.

Of course, some jerkoff has to go and ruin it. I'm confused by these people who are more concerned by one night of some riots than encroaching police brutality across the country and peaceful protesters being gassed and shot. If it happens here, it could happen anywhere

OH WAIT, it's probably because it's black people. I've been calling for the Constitutional defenders

Guess what, assholes? The rioting worked. One moment of a cop shooting a person turns into snipers and cops kitted out better than I was in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Yeah, Africans sold other Africans into slavery just like things were back in the day of conquer, rape and enslave. I'm surprised Paul didn't throw in "THE IRISH WAZ SLAVES TOO!" argument.

I didn't really see anyone crying about slavery. If anyone was, it was latched onto like a man drowning in an ocean holding onto water wings and denying they're in the middle of an ocean.

Also, EVERYONE owned a European or two back in the days of the Barbary slave trade. The reason it's so fucking egregious in the US of A is because we fought the Revolutionary War to end the crown's hold over us. We drafted the Declaration of Independence and said "All men are created equal"

Then we had to wait 90 years to fight another war to make black men more equal. Then we had to have marches on Selma and Washington DC after another 80-90 years so black people could have the privilege to piss in the same urinal as black people.

But I guess since slavery is over and the president is black, we stopped racism! Yep, no one online refers to the elected president of the most powerful nation in the world as a house nigger. Because racism is defeated and everyone is treated super equal.

This dude is from St. Charles, so nothing more needs to be said. White people far away from any danger are the loudest people you can feel free to ignore

#SWAG

Why are people protesting at night? Don't they have jobs to get to? This makes no sense to me!

Maybe they are protesting at night because they have to work in the morning? Also, the Ferguson-Florissant school district is closed for the week because of the protests, so no, the kids don't have school. Lots of comments seem to think no one has a day off during the week, or works an early or late shift.

There was also a super racist picture of Kermit the Frog drinking tea and claiming "none of the shoes stolen from Shoe Carnival were work boots, But that's none of my business."

And yeah, I fucking saw you post it on my facebook feed. You've already been filtered you cock. How dare you use Kermit to push your racist fucking nonsense.

Amen Candace.

The officer involved in the shooting will be named today, and it just doesn't matter anymore. Racists gonna racist no matter what. What's important is what the rest of us do. What matters is how WE move forward and leave these people behind.

Ferguson riots and why everyone should just shut up about it.

2014-08-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to screen cap anything for this one because you already know what the comments will focus on. Calling rioters thugs, telling them they need to go to college and all manner of other advice that misses the point entirely. White people from middle class homes who just don't understand why these black people can't be civilized and white just like the rest of us.

You get it. It's disgusting. You overhear it at work, you see it on Facebook, it's people who don't live in Ferguson telling people who do live in Ferguson how to live.

Ferguson was my old stomping grounds when I was a kid with a bicycle and nothing better to do on a Saturday. It's not Ballwin or Chesterfield, but it's filled with normal, honest people doing their thing to get by in the world. The demographics have been widely reported as about 70% African American, yet the government and police department is mostly white. Turns out when you are a minority who grows up marginalized and close to, or well inside, poverty levels you don't want to run for Alderman or become a cop.

I'm not black, but I watched what happened to young black people in the area. They were scrutinized more heavily by everyone for being young and black. They were watched in stores by shop owners, harassed by cops, harassed by older neighbors all for being young and black.

Take a moment and imagine yourself at Walmart and being obviously tailed by employees because you're young and black.

Seems kind of unfair, doesn't it? The whole world looks at you like a criminal. Crime statistics say you probably are a criminal. Prison populations say you'll end up there one day because you're nothing better than a thug who smokes weed and lays around all day taking government benefits.

When the world has a lens on you every day, do you think you wouldn't lash out? If the world treated you like a criminal, do you think that would make you work harder?

I don't know what happened to Michael Brown other than he was shot and killed by a Ferguson police officer. What I do know is everyone lost their shit because of it. And I understand why.

This doesn't happen with black on black crime in North City because that's rationalized. It's just the way things happen. A Major General was recently killed in Afghanistan and no one outside the military community cared. There are no more protests against wars because it's expected now. We don't protest meth labs, white on white violence or any of the other "expected" deaths.

So why riot?

Imagine this: You're trying to get a doctor to pay attention to a problem you're having, but the doctor just ignores you. You're in pain, something is wrong and the doctor just has his back to you, ignoring your pleas and talking about whatever they feel is important. He's the doctor and you're just a lowly patient, so you have to shut up and wait until maybe he can get to you.

So you pick up his jar of tongue depressors and smash it to the ground while screaming at him.

The doctor turns and looks at you with disbelief and says "Why would you do that? You're such a monster!"

This is why you see black people rioting and white people not (unless, of course, they win a sporting championship.) As a middle class white person, I'm used to people listening to me when I need something or have something to say. I'm not now, nor have I ever been marginalized based on my race or gender.

But when you're poor and black, no one wants to listen to you. You're too poor, too black, don't vote enough or any other hundreds of reasons to not listen to anything you say. You're an eighteen year old who smokes weed and hangs out with his friends late at night and I'm intimidated by that, so your opinion doesn't matter.

You're a thief, a liar, a thug, a drug addict, a drain on my tax dollars. You should do better and tell your thug friends to do better too because you don't matter, you fucking cockroach.

I'm not condoning violent actions, but if the response to my anger was wooden bullets and tear gas fired at me into my own back yard?

This is exactly what every doomsday prepper and Missouri militia nutjob has been crying about, but you won't see them stand on the front lines of Ferguson protecting the rights of the residents against the jackbooted government thugs. Every person who has ever clutched their guns and cried about the Constitution should be out there in Ferguson demanding due process and standing between the police and the protesters.

But they won't. No one will stand with the protesters. They won't listen to black people when you do it peacefully, they won't protect you when you fight back. This would hardly be a bump on the media radar if it wasn't for the rioting and you're crazy if you think peaceful protests would have gotten anything done. The feet of the Ferguson police are being held to the fire by the world because of a burned down gas station and photos of officers in riot gear holding back snarling dogs.

Yeah, I'd set some shit on fire too.

Iraq 3.0

2014-08-08T10:34:00.002-07:00

I've found myself in a couple wars in the middle east and I can say with absolute certainty that I don't want to go back. It's hot, smells bad and a lot of people are trying to kill me at any given time. It's the same reason I don't like camping.

The President ordered airstrikes on some artillery being moved by ISIS in Iraq because it could have been used to attack targets with Americans in them. It's pretty standard for us to protect our people and let the locals finish off whatever fight they have going on if it doesn't directly threaten us or anything we want.

The lines between the right and left stopped being blurred about three years ago. Now it's just an amorphous gray as internet people try to use either side as some kind of vitriolic insult. Best part is you can cater it to your needs!

What I'm saying is you're nothing but a stupid conservative who only cares about your tax money. Just like a god damn liberal! Just can't trust you socialists.

I've been searching around for information about Christian children being murdered by ISIS. The only websites I manage to come across are weirdly named news sites I've never heard of. I don't want to lend any more credence to mainstream media than they deserve, but if CNN and FOX news aren't screaming about dead children, then I assume it hasn't been verified by anyone.

The only thing I've seen is everyone linking to one Christian leader making the claims in an interview. I'm not going to say ISIS isn't filled with a bunch of genocidal assholes, but this sounds like someone trying to make things sound worse than they are.

And good job on the dehumanization there Don. It's easy to compare people to cockroaches when they don't share your religion or culture. Nope, they're just people who will come over to America and do some old fashioned rape and murder.

I know this is difficult to comprehend, but it's not always about us Americans.

Of course, my other issue is the mentality that because Christians are being killed, we need to step in like we're some kind of Christian nation. Or maybe it's because they are children. Which is why everyone talks about taking out the African warlords who drug children and turn them into brutal fighters at the age of ten (LOL no they're mooslims)

No one wants us to be the world police until it's something they feel threatend by. As if ISIS is going to board longships and come raid Maryland or something.

Well shit, I'm sorry guys. As a nation under God, we have to protect our fellow Christians and Jews, even though this dude is an atheist? How does any of that make sense? Also, when did ISIS or any Iraqi terrorists take the towers down? And thirteen years ago, Congress had us invade Afghanistan because terrorist training camps were there.

Do...do you think people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about just comment on the internet, regardless of their stupidity?

YOU'RE STILL WELCOME, EUROPE! Lord knows you wouldn't have been about to curtail one of the worst military planners without the brute cock of the American military. With our conscription and ability to spend obscene amounts of money.

Jenna is a special kind of conspiracy flower. She starts with information that's wrong, but at least it's not crazy. I don't know what the current Rules of Engagement are in Afghanistan, but I'm pretty sure we can shoot people who are attacking us. Shit, it's kind of our thing to shoot people who are shooting at us.

I also love people like this who think propaganda is only on their homefront. Did I miss a memo at some point? When did we all just decide to trust what the Russian government has to say about anything? It's a trend I've been noticing on the internet where people link to RT.com as if the actual state run media of the former USSR is something to be considered with gravitas. That's like linking me to a youtube video as some kind of 9/11 conspiracy proof.

I mean, in some ways I can understand the "Government is not out to protect our military" based on how terrible the VA is currently. But as I said before, we protect our own. If we have an embassy in a country about to go Coup de Tata for now, we'll get our people out.

If I were the American government, I wouldn't be hiding shit in the middle of Iraq when there is a bit of a war going on. Unless it's the Arc of the Covenant or some other region specific treasure that TOP MEN haven't had a chance to examine.

War is complicated. I don't imagine any decision is taken lightly when it comes to airstrikes in a foreign country. As such, we shouldn't talk lightly about what's to be done, why to do it or how.

Well, scratch that. Some people should question and debate things like this. Not these assholes.

Stranger Danger: Every kid is going to get abducted

2014-08-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

I've spoken before on how everyone is stupid for thinking America is filled with violent thugs waiting to steal your car, your daughter and all your guns (oh wait that the govermants harhar.)

I'm not going to claim there aren't legitimate threats in this world. I've been mugged in my own neighborhood and it hasn't stopped me from getting out and about in my neighborhood. I can't live under constant fear of the outside world, it would drive me insane. However, I know how to watch for potential threats and take action accordingly.

Also, I was mugged by someone from the other side of the city and he was caught within an hour because the people in the neighborhood don't want that kind of bullshit in their back yards.

Fox 2 posted about a man posing as undercover cops offering children candy to get into his car. The kids did exactly what anyone should do when confronted by an undercover cop with candy and bugged out.

I feel I got similar stranger danger training from my parents that these kids did. Don't get into a stranger's car, no matter what. If someone tries to get you to get into their car, run away. If they grab you, go for the eyes or the balls to get away. Then they pushed me out the door because they were tired of dealing with me for the day and it was only ten in the morning.

I can't even imagine how fucked up her son is going to be in the future if mommy doesn't let him roam free. Boys especially need to jump fences and poke dead bodies with sticks without their parents hovering over them.

So hovering over this person's profile shows her job as All Star Mom at Full Time Mommy, effectively taking away any shred of personality she may or may not have possessed before having a kid. I imagine people like this spent "crazy" nights in Vegas by drinking too many overpriced martinis and telling her friends she loves them while crying at a five dollar craps table.

Though I sometimes wished people like this live around me. My neighborhood is filled with loud kids wandering around being kids.

What did you do, go out and card them? I recognize all the kids who wander my neighborhood at this point. These two were using the buddy system and maybe their mother looks out for neighborhood kids and expects everyone else to as well. You know, like how a community works. Just look out the window and see if there's some kids being kids.

Avoid vehicles? Like, don't play in the street? Or maybe just tell kids not to get into cars with people they don't know. Kids aren't stupid, yet people for some reason think none of them can think for themselves or recognize danger.

It's a wonder we've survived as a species this long!

You see what all the time? Bullshit news reports about kids being abducted, or actual abductions? Because either one needs to be addressed.

If I could be that asshole without kids who talks about how best to raise your kids for just a second. Don't push your fears onto your kids or they'll just grow up jumping at shadows and never getting a chance to explore. They'll miss out on important lessons you should be teaching, like "Don't take candy from strangers" because you decided it's not worth teaching since they're going to be chained to the radiator before and after school.

Eventually that kid is going to break out and they will need all the information you can cram into their stupid little brains. Because free candy is a pretty awesome deal to a nine year old if they don't know better

White flight, race realism and St. Charles HOODRATS

2014-08-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

I've been gone for a bit. If you need a half-hearted excuse, it's because it's hard to read the comments section of local news websites and not drown yourself in Popov vodka in an attempt to have some weird poetic suicide attempt that no one gets. I should have done like Elvis and just shot my computer, but I don't have the money to be doing that on the regular, and you get the cops called on you when you shoot randomly toward Wentzville.

Also, I found a cheaper alternative.

If you want to read some straight up racist stuff, you can do no better than a story about race in St. Charles. What we call White Flight took place in the 70s when white people kept shifting further and further west along I-70 as black people bought houses in the urban areas. St. Charles has also blocked the MetroLink from going past the airport and into their area. I suppose they just love driving their cars to Cardinals games and paying twenty bucks for parking.

A story from Fox 2 about an argument at a family reunion in St. Charles turning into a shooting is probably something we can all understand. Who hasn't wanted to just slam a brick into a cousin's face at some point? Of course, since the guy was black, we have to talk about all the blackness and how black people are ruining everything. I'M NOT RACIST YOU GUIZE, I'M JUST TELLING DA TROOF!

The negros are coming! Usher out your impressionable sons and daughters of racial purity!

Rose understands what exactly needs to be done. Give in to your fears and vacate the area without getting to know any of your non-white neighbors. I bet whenever she's at the mall and three young black teens are hanging out at the Sabarros, she valiantly leaves the area and tells her BFFs about how St. Peters is on the downhill because of all the hippity hop she's hearing these days!

Personally, large groups of a certain race are what keeps me out of Whole Foods.

I like to think the first person here is also including methed out whities and the Yakuza before someone had to come and get all racist with it.

Usually people will announce their status as a taxpayer in their comment, but this person just decided to make it their Fox 2 News identity. I appreciate the sentiment of the comment, but you still look like a douchecanoe

I have a feeling this person was going for some kind of comment on society, but for the life of me I cannot figure it out. It's like they wanted to make sure to get in some racist comments while also defending the second amendment?

Don't you just love it when people bring up criminal records that don't show a history of violence and then say they deserved to get killed? I guess everyone who has ever smoked some weed deserves no kind of help or sympathy. Not like us GLORIOUS TAXPAYERS!

Ten bucks says every one of them has some kind of skeleton in their closet that another commentor would say they deserve death or dismemberment.

That, or they are just really boring people. You know? Like the people who go to a function for their kids and wear name tags with shit like "Kaylie's Daddy" instead of their actual name because they've given up any pretense of having an identity anymore. That should constitute jail time.

Black people: Please be aware that you will always be a representative for your race, and any time something bad happens in the black community, it's specifically your fault.

This is one of the most privileged arguments ever slapped up on the internet by people who weren't raised in abject poverty with a surrounding environment steeped in violence.

I can't say that I have experienced anything in the same realm as institutionalized racism, but as a veteran I am aware I am looked at by the general public as someone to be handled with kids gloves because I'll probably go all PTSD on your ass. The webcomic Terminal Lance sums up my feelings on the subject, no matter what minority group you're in.

The point I'm making is stop looking at black people and telling them they need to shape up their race because they're getting all hoodrat. Funny enough, it probably makes those black people dislike you and think that white people are assholes.

So white people, do your race some credit and stop making the rest of us whities look bad.

Race realism is the new "I'm not racist, but..." It's people who claim not to be racist but throw out crime statistics as if that justifies their Hoodrat boogeymen theories.

Also, I love the "Black people are more racist," from the person who claimed she just up and leaves whenever the darkies start to congregate around her.

I guess Rusty is saying that moving to the city makes you more racist? Because I live in the city. There's lots of black people around me. Some are perfectly normal people. Some are kinda trashy. It was the same when I lived around mostly white people too. People are people, and some of them, like Rusty, just outright suck.

Get out and vote, you dingus!

2014-08-05T10:40:00.000-07:00

August 5th is an election day in the wonderful world of Missouri, and not a single politician can get a word in edgewise while the state yells at one another about constitutional amendments.

No matter what side of the issues you fall on, we can all sit around and appreciate some of the wonderful things our fellow Missourians have to say.

I had no idea it was so serious! I wonder if the St. Louis city charter has something about inalienable rights to guns.

Tonight I'll be drafting my household constitution and forming a military. Marcellus will be secretary of state. I already suspect corruption.

He's easily bought off with cat nip and toy fish

As a pro second amendment person, I feel people who want to be armed everywhere they go are batshit insane and probably masturbate to the thought of shooting an urban hoodrat and saving racial purity once again.

I don't know why there is a sudden uptick in people who want to run around at Chipoltle with guns, especially since violent crime has been on the downslope for decades. Though I will say, most of the people who I know that own guns don't feel a need to tote them to every movie theater and Applebees.

They also don't spend a lot of time watching American news channels, so their exposure to media bias and fear baiting is pretty low.

I think the biggest fear I have about the media is that people think any news conglomerate is on their side. They want your eyes for their advertisers. So do what I do: only watch the news with your anti-lizard people foil hat. It's the only way to keep Alex Jones out.

You want the same level of small arms the military has? Wikipedia defines "Small Arms" as up to a light machine gun, which is a pretty ambiguious distinction, but what isn't when it comes to people who cry about the second amendment while RANDOMLY capitalizing WORDS?

I don't care about your argument. If you want a machine gun, then I assume you shouldn't have one.

Of course I say that and watch me get trampled by a heard of a hundred deer or something. If that happens, you're welcome to use my death as an argument to open carry an M249

The consequences, however, are on you

Well the Jews shouldn't have let Obama take their guns!

In all seriousness, don't compare any constitutional amendment in Missouri with Nazi Germany unless we are specifically voting to change the name of the state to Nazi Germany. In which case, vote the Libertarian party.

OH WE GOT FUCKIN JOKE AND JOKES AND JOKES!

The Post Dispatch editorial gave compelling reasons to vote no on all the constitutional amendments. No matter where you fall on the issues, of course these people are straight up idiots.

What's even worse is they hate this publication, but can't stop coming to the website and commenting. It's almost as if they just won't be happy until they're angry at nothing.

But that would be crazy, right?

Protip, if you use a political ideology as an insult, you've lost the argument. Calling someone a LIBURAL or KKKONSERVATIVE has lost all bite over the years outside of The Blaze or MSNBC.

Also, you're fighting on the internet about politics. I think most political discussions are pointless, but on the internet you're just wasting your time. No one has ever changed anyone else's mind about politics on an internet forum.

If all else fails and you find yourself about to post, just pick your nose for a bit. There's probably something more interesting in there than whatever you have to say.

Yeah, that's how the government works. Broader sweeping legislation on how many breeding animals you're allowed to have so they can do a no knock raid on your farm up in Chillicothe and take all your cows. And guns. And militarized cow machine guns.

Or maybe it's a brand new way to open the puppy mills back up. Missouri doesn't exactly have a great reputation with shutting down our shady shit. We're also the last state to refuse to create a pill registry, making sure drug runners of Hillbilly Heroin in all eight of the states caressing us are still knee deep in Oxy to push on people.

Then again, our citizens also believe the USGS is going to steal our guns with their gun radar, so maybe everyone is just an idiot

The ultimate insult: SOCALIZZZMS! When all else fails, when the LIBURALZ are surrounding you with their Dawkins books, their higher taxes and reaching for your guns, you can always fall back to calling everyone a Soviet Socialist.

I'm not sure anyone really knows what a socialist is, but I don't know what a douchecanoe is, and I use that word regularly. I suppose as long as it sounds absurd or scary, it's a good insult.

You damn Socialist douchecanoe!

Saint Louis can't get this death row thing figured out.

2014-08-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

I like to imagine I'm a reasonable person. I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt usually (Though I don't believe for a second you need bus fair, smelly dude at the Delmar Shell Station)

In a story from KSDK, a man who spend ten years in prison was recently released as new evidence overturned his guilty conviction. He is now suing for a hundred million dollars. According to the usual brain shit Saint Louis comments are normally made of, he should have been raped to death by the parents of his victims by now. However, we have to be philisophical about Ryan Ferguson. I wonder why that is...

I'm not saying it's because he's white, handsome and charismatic, but...you know...

Anyway...

Here's a fun idea, we fine the jury for finding him guilty! That wouldn't influence a single jury in the future. But if that civil case is brought up before a jury, can the jury sue the other jury? Or would that be just as stupid?

He deserves something, but not money. Well, not MY money, that's for sure.

Again, this would be placing the blame on the jury or the judge. Or maybe the prosecuting attorney for getting the conviction? Or would it be the defense attorney for not being better. Should we sue the new evidence? How much money does a splash of DNA have, and how can I sue the fuck out of it?

I mean, at least no one is calling for the guy's death (though for the last ten years he totally deserved it because he was a murdering murder.) At the same time, it's a whole lot of shoulder shrugging and "Sorry, bro" coming from the peanut gallery.

I keep telling people this new math bullshit is for the birds

Are there trolls on news facebook walls? It seems like you'd be pissing into an ocean of piss.

Ah, the Rodney King defense. Most people will tell you King deserved to get the shit beaten out of him by the cops. Since I lack the will to open a new internet browser tab and scan a wikipedia article, I'll just go ahead and say police are trained to use necessary force. No amount of drugs, resisting or attacking deserves a beating like the one King received.

I mean, I'm not SURPRISED it happened, but it shouldn't have.

I'm glad the guy is out of prison, but this just highlights the duality of Saint Louisians when it comes to the death penalty. Many would have spent ten years screaming for his death as they do with so many others. But if there's one thing everyone in the state can agree with, it's that somehow, this is a waste of my hard earned tax dollars, and all the state does is take away MY MONEY and give it to freeloaders.

Tuesday roundup: Some people just don't get it

2014-03-25T07:56:00.001-07:00

I'm not one to lament the destruction of humanity because of internet access or smart phones, but there are parts of society which have gone out the window in the last decade of over sharing and narcissism. I know around my friends I can use the word "fuck" as a comma, but at work it moves to mere semicolon usage.

However, the internet strips away humans and replaces them with goofy pictures and twitter blurbs. This causes people to forget themselves and share things outside of the proper group.

This was posted to the wall of the KSDK facebook page. I understand some people raising children at home can go a little stir crazy, but a news organization's wall isn't a place to share your child's expulsions.

Though to be fair, it's also not a place to share your insane, racist views. But if that stopped, I'd have to change the blog to something else. Maybe another Channing Tatum fan page.

Oh good, a straight person doing the ironic "Coming out as straight" horseshit. Great for your country club, shitty everywhere else.

I hope for a day in which coming out of the closet isn't a big thing, but people like this who belittles the struggle closeted homosexuals face with the decision just baffle me.

You want to know why it's news worthy when a young actress or a football player comes out? Because Arizona wants to give you the right to refuse service based on sexuality. Because you can get life in prison in places like Uganda for even being a counselor for homosexuals, and because we just finished the 2014 Olympics in a country which has banned gay pride marches for a hundred years.

For just a moment, let it be about someone else and keep your shitty thoughts to yourself. The world doesn't revolve around you.

This guy though...

This guy gets it.

Saint Louis advocates for an end to horse slavery

2014-03-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

Here's one I've been sitting on since Christmas.

Often times I speak on this blog as though I am an expert in the subject matter I am lampooning. While often times I'm just an opinionated prick with ten bucks a year to spend on a personal web address, I do often put in a little time to research a topic to make sure I'm falling on the side of "right-ish"

In a story from the local Fox affiliate, a Clydesdale which was used to pull carriages around Tilles Park died suddenly over the Christmas holidays while working. It's tragic, but things like this happen. Animals have heart attacks or strokes or whatever just like people. The writer of the article talked to quite a few experts who say the same.

We start with a heartfelt post from someone who claims to have been on the carriage at the time of the death. While I believe about seventeen percent of what people say on the internet, I can't imagine anyone going out of their way to shill for the horse drawn carriages at Tilles Park

Paul is having none of it. Battering his way into the conversation like a half drunk Clydesdale and shitting directly on the sentiments Josh put out there.

It's kind of beautiful, actually. It's a post which sums up everything this site was created for: A person we can't verify telling a story about something that doesn't matter, only to be shut down with blithe ignorance with nothing to back it up. Just "Shut up, stupid-head"

I wish I could give Paul an award.

Be prepared for a lot of internet horse whisperers in this post. Marty has apparently been diagnosing the horses with the scientific method of "driving by them on the way to work." I can't claim to be an expert, but I'm fairly sure that's not how equine veterinarian services work.

And Doris is going to boycott a park. I don't know what exactly that's supposed to do for anyone since it's a St. Louis County operated park. I suppose you could take yourself into the city and enjoy one of the many fine parks we have to offer.

But I suppose if staying at home instead of walking around the park is going to ease your guilt about the horses, go for it. Also, if you have any guilt about horses you should probably be seeing a professional.

I don't know where people come up with these age measurements or why they think they should apply to humans. I found a website which will do convenient age conversions, and according to them, a 22 year old horse is the same as a 62 year old human. But according to them, 62 is the average human lifespan, so maybe that horse should have been set to Carousel when the jewel in their hoof turned red.

As for horse retirement, people have a bad way of turning animals us with people feelings and emotions. Some animals like to have something to do. Just because you can't wait to get old and lazy doesn't mean the rest of us are in the same shitty boat. I hope I can die doing something I want to do, even if it is pulling people around the park while I poop in a bag.

Maybe the Budweiser horses want to kick back with beers and cigars. Maybe the get all whiney when someone asks them to do something. Or maybe you're just projecting.

I remember seeing a horse so noble that it waited until it turned the corner before it shit all over a parade route. Though I'm sure that had more to do with the horse not deciding it needed to poop until that moment.

I don't know what hard work is for a horse, but seeing as how draft horses were once used to haul artillery pieces during times of war, I imagine they can pull your ass around a park at a slow pace while you look at some lights.

Or you people could get out and walk.

Hey, I won "Find the stupid PETA sympathizer." Of course this is like slavery. Every animal that works is essentially a slave. Bomb sniffing dogs? Slaves. Pack animals? Might as well be singing the blues. Service animals for the disabled? Put on that white robe and get to cross burning.

CARRIAGE DRIVER FIGHT!!!!

Don't you hate it when someone agrees with your side and then keeps talking? I mean, I'm all about having the horses work, but did we have to bring welfare mares into this? Tony G. is our man looking out for the owners of these lazy, welfare taking, government benefiting HOODRATS!

Horses. I meant horses. And pull up your pants.

Yeah, we're falling as a country because dipshits are arguing on the internet about a horse. What this is actually telling us is there are too many people in St. Louis who are either slacking off at work or not working. Even during the holidays.

KSDK Wall roundup

2014-03-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was sifting through about two hundred comments on minimum wage from people who don't understand economics, and decided to save my sanity for once. So here's some random weirdness I pulled off the KSDK wall.

Sunday was our (hopefully) last shitty winter day, bringing a mixture of snow and ice. I myself used Saturday to get all my errands done so I wouldn't have to go out into miserable weather and driving conditions.

Tim doesn't like those warnings. Get out and shop, and your safety be damned. He's a retailer and needs them dollars. Your car accidents are on you.

Guess who gets spit flavored coffee

Apparently it's now up to news corporations to deliver vaccinations to war torn nations? I'm sure Anderson Cooper can just fly into Pakistan with a bag full of polio juice and not be worried about customs, distribution or corrupt third world governments.

I find it surprising that most people don't understand if it was that easy, we would have fucking done it already.

Yeah, I'm sure it's a major inconvenience to have all those people pour money into your town. Here's a gif explaining what you and your neighbors need to do to the local economy if you want your voice heard.

Yeah, the full stupid name of that bridge is the Stan Musial Veteran's Memorial Bridge and we expect you to use it all the time!

I know people want to jump up and defend veterans because otherwise you're a damn dirty commie, but if there is a veteran out there actually angry the full name isn't being used, they're probably an asshole. Most of us have better things to do, like nurse our drinking habits or have night terrors. Simple stuff.

If you want to support a veteran, give money to a veteran's charity. Don't get all uppity about what people call a stupid bridge in the middle of the country.

Saint Louis attempts to understand murder/suicide, fails miserably.

2014-03-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

Recently two people were found shot to death in Babler State Park in Wildwood. Police have ruled it an apparent murder/suicide of a father and son.

This is a story that doesn't need a comments section. What it SHOULD be filled with are the people who feel the need to let STLToday editors know they are praying for the family. What invariably happens is a clusterfuck people who think their opinions matter. Which would be fine if their opinions weren't absolute shit.

Shelly obviously hasn't visited the north side in a while. They've really improved from WWII era "War Zone" to Korean War "Police Action." No longer is it minute by minute, but often you get five minutes without any war whatsoever!

No one would seriously compare Wildwood to North City, but stop comparing North City to Somalia. Just because you heard about it during a PTA meeting and that one time you drove I-70 from St. Charles and saw massive amounts of industry doesn't mean you know dick about the place.

That said, don't go to North City. Unless you are going to Goody Goody. That's the only place in St. Louis to truly experience Chicken and Waffles. Or Crown Candy. Or the Clements house.

Twenty-two veterans commit suicide every day. Turns out sometimes dealing with a war zone can fuck you up in the head pretty bad. I wouldn't call any of them cowardly because I certainly don't know what they're going through

I would like to know Paul's approved method of suicide. Perhaps we should have a tree mulcher that shoots out into a river so no one has to deal with it. The world will be better off without your cowardly ways!

I have ten bucks that says Paul either knows someone who committed suicide or saw someone else hurting because of it. It's pretty easy to be angry at the person who is dead because they can't defend themselves. It's easier to be angry than it is to understand.

Man up, you pussies. It's just a guy who committed suicide after killing his son in the woods! Obviously it's great that this murderer stopped himself and can't go on any more killing sprees of one. Quit being a little bitch about it.

Could...could someone go check on Deborah's kids for us? Be sure to look in the recently upturned dirt under the porch.

On one hand, Slayer is being unnecessarily facetious, but that's kind of the point of my blog. It's just easier to do it in the comments section than create a website dedicated to it.

I don't know anything about Bengazi, but I do know that CNN has pretty much passed on it as a non story. I don't see any conspiracy here because CNN wouldn't pass up and opportunity to scare old people with unnecessary reporting.

We all applaud you, Carol.

In which a shitty person decides the definition of "captivity"

2014-03-11T08:12:00.001-07:00

Years back, a teenager by the name of Shawn Hornbeck was kidnapped. He disappeared for year and was discovered alive and well in 2007 after a four year captivity. It was one of those crazy stories that gripped the country. That a child considered probably dead in a ditch somewhere was found healthy and alive was a cause to celebrate.

There's no way anyone could say anything negative about this, right?

Nope, nothing shitty to say at all...

Jesus fuck. I know it's blacked out, but you can easily find out who it is via the link. It's one of our stupid regulars who loves to blame Obama for things he has no control over and uses the word "libtard." And now shes going to tell us all Shawn Hornbeck wasn't actually kidnapped and held against his will because INTERNET CONSPIRACY!

This is the kind of person who doesn't understand captivity beyond being chained to a radiator day and night. I don't know everything about the case and I'm not going to make any stupid internet speculations, but holy shit, just once in your life, shut the fuck up. Just shut up and never talk again because you have made it obvious you have nothing to contribute.

Where do you want to go with this one? The probably bullshit anecdote? The "teen party" line? The fact that she is a massive twunt? Take your pick.

The US Geological Survey are the next on the list to grab your guns.

2014-03-07T05:29:00.002-08:00

Lord knows I do love myself a good government conspiracy, especially when it's on that makes no sense at all. It seems the internet is populated by people who have an absolute distrust for the government. Of course, the internet, which is filled with all their favorite forums to discuss lizard popes, was funded, created and currently monitored by the government. I mean, if you were a smart conspiracy theorist, you'd be building a unibomber cabin in the woods right now rather than screaming about the gun stealing robot aliens.

In a story from KMOV, we learn about the United States Geological Survey using helicopters to search for possible mineral deposits in the St. Louis area. They lead off with the most conspiracy laden headline possible, but that's to be expected from websites shamelessly attempting to pull ad clicks instead of report real news.

Speaking of, have you tried Coca-Cola lately? You won't find a better path to refreshing diabetes!

It seems from this thread no one is exactly sure what is going on with the helicopter, but it sure isn't whatever they specifically said it would be. Gold grab? Sure! Of course the government has the biggest gold reserve in the world, but you keep thinking that 14k plated chain or those three bullion with swastikas stamped in them you inherited from grandpa are worth their time.

Man, government conspiracy is my favorite. Crawford county is highly populated? A quarter of it is the Mark Twain national forest. If there is anything to be concerned about, it's the government possibly strip mining part of the state for rare earth metals. Though I bet if the government came with a fat mining rights check, some land owners would change their conspiracy tune really quick.

Everyone hates government spending unless it's being spent on them.

Well, after finding your bible stash, what else do we need to take over the world?

I know you like to think your book as some magical properties, but it's still a book and it isn't showing up on the sensors of our bible seeking missiles.

I guarantee you this isn't going to stop my southern Missouri family from putting dead babies on placards and billboards and waving them around in front of children. I don't know how this correlation happened in their head, but we signed a constitutional law against gay marriage. Your shitty version of Christianity is firmly entrenched, I assure you.

One thing I notice with people who are fairly stupid is their blanket assumption of technology = whatever magic I can dream up. Suddenly we have sensors that can count how many old .22 Springfield rifles you have in a closet?

I'd like a rundown on what people believe technology can actually do. I already have to listen to people clamor about how the NSA is reading their boring texts to their boring friends on a Friday night. Yeah, it's real important to national security that we find out if you and your girlfriend are going to have a night at the bar you always go to or just order a pizza and watch Netflix.

The government doesn't care about you. They want you to buy guns and pay taxes. They want you to buy your stupid safe and burn electricity on the internet and vote for things that don't matter because it keeps this whole mess of a society going.

No one is impressed by you.

I know I'm now blocking out names, but I want to let you know this post was from a facebook dedicated to prepping. If you don't know what that is, it's when crazy people who can't understand that we have a functioning society and decide to prepare for a war which will plunge us into an apocalyptic wasteland they are sure to survive.

I don't understand the vaseline comment, nor do I think the author of this post knows anything about gathering information about precious metals. As for Afghanistan, we've known about the possible deposits for decades, but there's no easy or cheap way to mine it.

But hey, basic research is for queers and communists.

I've got about 40-60 odds on this being a troll. It's hard for me to believe anyone uses the word "sheeple" unironically.

Then again, I can't assume people who comment on these stories about FEMA death camps know how to do anything beyond parrot the most frightening things shit out by conservative radio stations.

Unfortunately, you can't declare anything a "no fly zone" since you aren't an independent country. But go ahead and try to break off from the USA. It's worked out so well back in the mid 1800s

Do your secret things inside, but not inside the underground bunker or gun safe. We can count the bullets in there. You should be fine in your shower though. You don't have to close the curtains...

What do you suppose it's like to be this afraid of the government? If I for a moment thought FEMA death camps were being erected in this country, I'd be traveling to Canada and practicing my 'aboots.'

There are real reasons to be pissed off at the American government, and real reasons to dislike the current administration. Gun grabbing and gold stealing are not any of those reasons.

Your fellow Saint Louis citizens.

2014-03-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

I am not a fan of the death penalty, as I have stated before. I don't agree with government funded murder outside of the civilized confines of a battlefield during a questionable invasion.

I'm trained to kill a person in numerous ways, and have found myself in uncomfortable situations debating if I needed to use those skills. I have no desire to kill a person, and I hope I don't have to in any context.

Up in North County, a video of two teens tossing around and abusing a dog went viral. The kids were caught and the dog is doing fine in protective care. But that's not enough. No, we need to spend our time coming up with the most cruel and bizarre punishment for a couple of kids.

The following are comments pulled from STLToday. These are fellow humans who are calling for the death of two kids because of animal abuse.

Execution

Jail sentences, having their information put out so someone else will violently beat a pair of kids

Death for anyone who has abused an animal. I certainly hope this person eats only ethically grown and slaughtered meats because your McChicken doesn't exactly live the high life.

Cutting off arms and legs for them to die slowly.

Rape

This one was all over the thread wanting to adopt the dog because it deserves a better life. The humans, however, can be killed

I mean, that's just super racist.

Slightly less, but still super racist.

For some people, not advocating for their immediately death and dismemberment will get you accused of being as bad as Michael Vick. But read those comments again and remember they come from the people standing next to you in line at the grocery store. Normal, regular people call for public hangings to be reinstated and immediate execution following a guilty verdict to save tax money.

That's what a human life has become to some of us. Tax dollars being "wasted". You'll hear the same argument with it's a WIC card or health insurance. You are only as useful as your tax base. And while some of the more cynical would agree with that sentiment, how would that change if it was their kid? If your son snapped for whatever reason, would you call for his bloody execution?

Maybe these kids are sociopaths. Maybe they did something stupid because they are kids. Either way, It's a terrible look at our humanity when we would rather kill someone than rehabilitate them.

Then again, that's our society. It's easier and cheaper to throw something away than to fix it

Saint Louis believes they should be working at the Pentagon

2014-02-28T08:10:00.000-08:00

I'm a member of the US Army, and have been for fourteen years. I've gotten to do a lot of cool things as a Soldier, visit a dozen countries and meet great people both inside and out of the Army.

If only we could be at war forever! I'd only change the location next time to something more tropical.

Sadly though, the decade of sending American youth to foreign countries for glory and traumatic brain injuries is drawing to a close. This means the various branches of the military are cutting spending and troop levels to reign in costs.

And for the last decade, we've been pounding jingoistic patriotism into the heads of our countrymen so much that the idea of a reduced force just scares the bejezus out of them.

If you watch the original Red Dawn, you see Soviets backed Cubans parachute onto American soil and immediately attack a high school. Thirty years later, and I'm fairly sure this would still be the most viable attack option for any other major military.

We are certainly not "defenseless" by any means, unless there is a specific number of Soldiers on duty you require to feel safe. I hate to break it to you, but your average administrative specialist isn't going to infiltrate and Mujahadeen sleeper cell.

This is not to disparage my admin specialists. I've seen them pull of under the table deals to get equipment rivaling Mexican cartels.

Are you under the assumption they have some special status because you pay taxes? I pay taxes too, and I think the military should be downsized and the money put towards the building of a gigantic theme park with cloned dinosaurs I can ride. Also, Cloud City from Star Wars.

Actually, let's just create everything cool from Spielberg and Lucas movies with tax money instead of silly wars.

I see no downside

Syria is a little occupied quelling their own civil war, as they have been for the last couple years. Being afraid of Russia makes me think this person is holding cold war grudges. The worst thing we have to fear is North Korea, and Dennis Rodman is working that angle.

Yeah, we tried that and it wasted more money than it saved. Also, we spend too much damn money drug testing the military on a monthly basis too. I say we get rid of drug tests for everyone! Totally because of economic reasons and not because drugs are fun...

Hey traitor, just because you don't think it's classified doesn't mean you should scream out troop movements on the internet.

Secondly, NG and Reservists are sent to augment active duty. When an Infantry division deploys, they don't take all their doctors and finance staff or the plethora of other support soldiers. Many stay back and are needed to keep the bases running. That's where we part timers (Who usually work at the low cost of one weekend a month) step in to keep shit running downrange.

Honestly, if you're going to bitch about vaccinations and dental, you're pretty far off base from government spending you should be concerned about.

I'm not going to lie, I'd love a bigger paycheck. But while what we do is dangerous, we choose to do it. No one joins the 102nd kitten petting and ice cream social brigade.

However, the next war will not be in our backyard. The only countries that border us are Canada and Mexico, and they're both smarter than your average radical, theocratic government with a Soviet nuke.

However, if the war is in my back yard, the metric ton of dog shit should slow up the invading army until I can get to a shoe to chuck at them.

Ooh, someone sees what the rest of us don't, and they are soooooooooo smart! Not like us sleeping assholes who aren't wearing the tinfoil lined hat of smartyness.

If the government was half as competent at the things people accuse us of, we would have a colony on Mars. And they would still be blaming the president for taking our Mars guns. READ THE MARTIAN CARTA, YOU FUCKING COMMIE!

Below is an accurate depiction of me standing guard in the night.

So we need a military because we've been massive assholes to other people? I don't agree, but that attitude is a bit dour. Perhaps we should stop "pissing in other country's oats" if that's going to cause some massive uprising.

How exactly do people think a country decides to go to war? Do you think Venezuela reads a CNN article and thinks "Oh, American troop numbers are being lowered. Time to attack California!"

And if so, go for it. Missouri wine is better anyway. It manages to not be mixed with pretention.

Sure, these decisions are made at a legislative level, but we aren't going to let a little knowledge stop us. One would think in the last six years a little bit of information would reach these people, but as they say, you can lead a horse to well documented and peer reviewed facts, but you can't make them log off Glenn Beck's website and remove the tinfoil hat.

You know what we'll do? We'll send the one's trained and let them hold shit down until we train more. Just like we always do. From people who constantly bitch and moan about the current state of tax dollars, they sure do want to keep shitting them into M1 Abrams tanks we can't use.

The state of your military is perfectly fine. There was a time where we were accepting people with neck tattoos and felonies. Hell, if you were in one of less violent white supremacy groups you could get in as long as you could pull a trigger.

Though, I would think you'd want a smaller fighting force. It will take a bit longer for us to get to your guns with fewer people...

Tuesday roundup: Thank God the iPad giveaway is done

2014-02-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of our new schedule, but also a change in the way we do screen shots. I haven't had any problems yet, but as the site grows, there are more chances for assholes to go internet vigilante on our locals.

But don't worry, it's still local and still stupid.

For seventeen days, KSDK has been giving away an iPad a day and the people posting on their walls have been unbearable. The ass-kissing, the begging, the praying and the terrible, terrible punctuation. These are not the people who normally post on facebook news sites, this is the cry of an Elder God, this is the breaking of the seven seals seen by John of Patmos.

And it's not just "How win i pad" or "YOUR LINK IS BROKEN I THINK YOU SHOULD DO DRAWING A GAIN" posts thrown against KSDK's facebook wall like well aimed ballistic turds tossed by the comment monkeys of our fair city. Some of the comments are fantastically creative in their insanity. Here's a couple of my favorites.

I like to think this person is actually praying to the Santa Claus of deer. The red coated white-tail and his sleigh pulled by a bunch of fat guys. Though a bright red deer wouldn't last long during hunting season.

I suppose I had to expect a bit of ass kissing to happen, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Every other wall post was begging for iPads. From giving it to their kids to learn with to staying connected to the world (no idea how they were posting to facebook if they didn't already have that ability)

Though for me, it is worse that the social media manager kept going through and liking all the statuses of people saying how CHANNEL 5 IS MY FAVRT CHANEL PLEASE FOR IPADS

They don't need encouragement.

I had to stop and think before taking on this comment. I'm about 90% sure this is hyperbole, but what if it does become his friend? Are we ready for this kind of human/technological interfacing? A world where man and machine can feel and be friendly?

If so, how big of a douchebag would an iPad be?

Stupid draws back his bow.

2014-02-20T08:08:00.000-08:00

Sure it's a week late, but as I explained to my wife, Valentine's day might be one day but stupid is year round.

And now that it's over, we can take a look back to some grade-A butthurt fostered by the STLToday Mommy blog written by Aisha Sultan.

I'm not one to get too upset with click baiting nonsense (Because it's exactly what this blog is) but there is some fantastic spear rattling from the comments section about some schools replacing "Valentine's day" with "Friendship day." Nothing else changes except the name. Valentine's day can be confusing for children. Probably because commercials cram romantic love down our throats from January 15th to February 14th.

My own personal experiences were being annoyed by Valentine's day because I didn't know if I was supposed to get things for the guy friends. I didn't want Billy to "be mine" nor did I think he was "hot stuff" so the entire day was spent trying to pick which Ninja Turtles cards would be the least weird to give to a dude friend.

Of course, the answer was none, but at least we all were in the same boat and just ate the terrible candy hearts. Point is, Valentine's day can send weird mixed messages, and telling a ten year old to get over themselves means you don't remember what it was like to be a kid and worried about how you appeared to others.

Or was it just me? Anyway...

According to Wikipedia (The only amount of historical research I'm willing to do for these people) Valentine's Day was first mentioned by Geoffrey Chaucer in 1382 and continued as a European celebration. If you think back to fifth grade social studies, you'll remember that 1382 was well before things like "America."

But lets make the "American tradition" argument. The tradition of "Go spend shitloads of money because if not you don't love your lady" Maybe it should be destroyed. Maybe buy your wife some flowers just because you love her. Do you only expect steak and blowjobs on March 14th? Of course not, that would be terrible. Steaks, flowers and all kinds of sexual congress should be given all year!

I'm all for children learning lessons of exclusion during Hallmark holidays created to buttfuck the economy awake during the winter months.

Kids aren't stupid, but they are volatile. When I was a kid doing the valentines day thing, there were kids who only got pity cards after all the other cards had been handed out. The kids not getting them were usually class bullies. They were bullies because they were living in poverty and had low self esteem.

Guess how Valentine's day made them feel.

I'm not arguing if the school's decisions are right or wrong. Eventually the rule at my school became you had to get everyone a card to prevent these problems in the future, but isn't that the same as giving consolation prizes? Didn't those ruin my childhood as well? Shouldn't all these kids be bootstrapping their way to the top of the V-Day card heap because that's how you and Jesus did it?

First they take Valentine's day and now the kids can't read, write or...create codes? Perhaps John Cheatham should figure out what's important before just shitting all over the keyboard like this. That, or he knows a descendant of one of the Navajo code talkers who isn't living up to their grandfather's mettle.

I'd argue that kids need to spend less time on stupid holidays that don't teach anything. Maybe instead of wasting your time with Valentine's Day, they can instead learn something more about George Washington Carver beyond "The peanut dude."

Ahh, the Christian Soldiers are here to yell all about how it's unfair all the Jews and African kids get to have their culture talked about, but no one can mention OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS HERBERT CHRIST!

Grade school is well in my past, so I'm not sure what's being taught to the children these days. However, I'm fairly sure they aren't talking about the religious aspects of Kwanzaa and Hanukkah, just differences in how other people celebrate the holidays in America.

But this just goes to show how little people like Dana Gibson and Kristin Jay actually know about Hanukkah (Jewish faith, uses Torah which covers the first five books of the Bible) and Kwanzaa (Not actually a religious holiday.)

Cameron Hartman should get a gold medal for the mental hurdles he just jumped over. I'm not sure how teaching children how their junk works suddenly means everyone is fucking without loving (which isn't exactly a new concept.)

And are teachers supposed to teach three different kinds of love? Is that the point of public schools these days? To teach abstract emotion and philosophy to seven-year-olds so we can feel better about spending three bucks on John Cena valentines day cards?

Stolen with no remorse from http://alimusprime.deviantart.com/

Yep, that's how it's going to go. Changing a name for grade school kids means holidays are out the window. I suppose this is why I've seen so few advertisements for Valentine's day this year. Nope, no Proflowers commercials all over my podcasts, no commercials telling me I should get my wife jewelry, no car commercials suggesting she would love a new Mazda.

Also, Michael Wilding, I know you're making a Nazi reference by using the word "Verboten." Everyone knows you're making a Nazi reference. You aren't clever and if you think this has anything to do with the systematic extermination of over 18 million people, you can jam those candy hearts up your candy ass.

Gary Sluhan has it right. The 50's through the 70's were so much better because people didn't concern themselves with silly shit like "Friendship day" Nope, everything was wonderful and carefree.

A list of people who had buckets of fun in a tropical area in the 60's and 70's

A young African American plays with the Good Humor man's dogs

Yep, too bad we can't go back to those wonderful days.

I have a feeling Al had this speech saved up and finally just decided to unleash it upon the local regional news fan page. Unfortunately it was used on a story about Valentine's day in grade school. I understand you're up there in years Al, but you could have saved this a little longer. Maybe for a story about Slay being literally the devil. E Pluribis whatever.

I hope you didn't think you were getting out of this without an Obama reference. Republicans would have a much better case if they didn't start saying stupid shit about things they don't properly understand. Take a hint from the left some time. Smoke a joint and relax a bit. Then read the Wikipedia entry about Socialism, realize we aren't in any way socialist, and then watch some Breaking Bad.

Man, I miss Breaking Bad...

I don't know if things today are better or worse, but I haven't celebrated a Valentine's Day in this manner since grade school, so I have no idea what the norm is anymore. What I do know is the world is filled with many things that require your actual concern and care. There are plenty of problems in our public school systems in which the community at large could take on and possibly influence for the better.

But no, let's worry about Valentine's day. Because actually caring is hard and being internet angry is easy.

Monday Madness: KMOV fans are hilarious, insane

2014-02-17T07:37:00.001-08:00

I've noticed a weird trend with the KMOV facebook page. It's not filled with the usual thinly veiled racism and liberal bashing which birthed this website. Instead, it seems to be the Saint Louis internet party spot for the deranged and disturbed.

I like to think Chris Washington is doing some kind of artistic installation across facebook. I haven't gone searching for more of his posts to find back story for this poop he's gotta do, but I like to think it's an ongoing dramatic act spread across the various news stations

I can't even fathom what was going through this guy's mind. He had to take the photo, decide on its high quality and upload it to a news website. To be fair, he's probably brown nosing because at the time, KMOV had a daily contest to win a Microsoft Surface. Lots of people have been posting about how terrible their lives are and how much a piece of hardware they will probably use to dick around on the internet on would improve their lives.

The TV people are my only friends...

The Today show and Jeopardy are more important than weather information.

2014-02-13T07:51:00.002-08:00

I'll admit, when the show"Community" was pre-empted by KSDK for some stupid Cardinals Nation half hour circle jerk, I posted angry drunk comments to the website. It was really all I could do since the episode was being bumped to play at one in the morning on a Monday.

Of course, I then waited a half hour and just downloaded the episode from the internet, but the point stands that I like Community and occasionally have the time to watch it when it airs. It's one of the few half hours a week I get for some programming that interests me.

KSDK is home to some very popular NBC shows such as Days of our Lives, Jeopardy and The Today Show. Days is a soap opera, the Today Show is a bloated, daily four hour ride into sparkling white-toothed madness imagined only in the minds of the criminally insane and alcoholic Victorian-age writers. Jeopardy is a quiz show.

Gods help you if you preempt any of these.

I don't know why, but this comment being at the top of a post about Jeopardy being moved makes me laugh every time I see it. I just imagine Dave staring dumbfounded at his screen, annoyed he won't be getting his Trebek fix.

I wonder if Russell Hutchings is aware of this wild thing we have now called the Internet. It has all kinds of information about local and world events if you sift through the pornography and My Little Pony forums. In fact, if you looked real hard, you'd see there are all kinds of things happening internationally you didn't know about!

What is this guy afraid he's missing out on? A coup in Thailand? Ukrainian protests? Pakistani bus bombings? Because I found all of that in about a minute on the internet. Multiple sources too.

And yes, if you're going to use terrible grammar, I'm going to think you stupid to.

Again, just look shit up on the internet. If you want to sit down and have a heart to heart with your young adult children (Also, way to use all kinds of confusing adjectives to show you'll be having empty nest syndrome but deny it every day) just do it. Pull up BBC or CNN international. Talk about how shitty it is to be a child soldier in Chad, or maybe remember there is a still a war in Afghanistan without the help of a Superbowl commercial.

The international news portion of a half hour local news broadcast should not be where you go for information around the world. They give you a shitty little blurb and loop a video of tanks somewhere or a protester somewhere else for twenty seconds. It's not helpful at all.

It's a huge place out there, and it doesn't necessarily revolve around you.

How I imagine Laurie Frazier Nelson feels when typing on KSDK's facebook wall.

I'm confused, did the installation of U-Verse mean your digital tuner burst into flames?

I mean, I probably shouldn't make too much fun of the people who can't figure out how to use their TVs properly, or how to watch their stories on nbc.com, but come on. If it's important, you'll find a way. Or at least contact the stoner nephew of yours (bless his heart) and see if he can download it for you (Not that you would ever condone stealing, but for Dr. Daniel Jones...)

That truck fire shut down I-64 until about 11 am, and one of the vehicles involved had a hazardous waste sign on it. I can't believe how up their own ass some people can be about their TV programming. There is nothing of value on during the day, something I rediscover every time I'm sick and spend the day on the couch. I even have an extensive cable package and I still refer to my media drives, Netflix or HBO Go for entertainment.

Maybe I'm just like Joseph Hettel since don't give a damn about his four hour television abomination, and would rather know if highway 40 is melting or opening a Hellmouth or whatever is being transported in a semi these days.

Someone please go check on Edna. I think she stroked out.

Angela Smith has her heart in the right place, but I can't imagine a worse way to leave this earth. Unless it was my final penance before getting into heaven. It's been a while since I've read the Purgatorio by Dante, but I think there was more rocks being pushed up mountains and less being forced to watch Mike Busch in startling high definition.

I only pick on you because you're the most handsome, Mike.

Happy Olympics everybody!

Monday Mania: The Copenhagen zoo is literally Hitler.

2014-02-10T08:49:00.002-08:00

A zoo in Copenhagen euthanized a young male giraffe to prevent inbreeding in their giraffe stock this weekend. Afterwards, they held a public dissection in which children were allowed to witness with parental permission, and then the body was used to feed the zoo's lions.

Of course, since Saint Louisians think animals are totally like humans, they promptly banged out sentences of misunderstanding to show their displeasure in something they don't know or have any say in.

Here's a few facts before we tear into the meat of this one:

Zoos could design new giraffe facilities, but many don't have that option. A young bull could theoretically be sent to an all-female group as a stud, but experts prefer a larger, more mature male for that, and Marius didn't fit that bill. A final option is sending the giraffe to a zoo that doesn't participate in the EAZA-led breeding programme, but that could leave the giraffe or its offspring being sold into worse circumstances, such as those of a circus or private collection. It must be remembered that Marius was not a form of rare subspecies

And:

On Average, he said some 20 to 30 animals, including goats, antelopes and wild boar, were culled for the same reason every year at the zoo.

"This is the first giraffe, I do not understand the outrage. We are all used to on a current basis of animals being culled in the wild.

Literally took less than a minute to find all this information. Of course, if everyone did that, we wouldn't have this wonderful blog.

I'm sure Debbie Brader Travis is just an expert on what goes on behind closed doors at the St. Louis zoo. I hear the keepers force the primates to act out entire scenes from hit Broadway musicals, even though the animals HATE Rent. Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes is a terrible song and will now be stuck in your head all day.

This isn't "dirty work", it's just work. I'm sure everyone is upset because wide angle photos of giraffes up close are totes adorbs compared to boar.

Although, bacon has never been cuter

Oh fuck, Sherri Shirley Stoudt isn't going to go to the Copenhagen zoo! Denmark's GDP will surely suffer at then hands of her not going overseas to look at animals.

I can't imagine anyone thinks about what they are saying before they just throw out some stupid words to agree with everyone else. It's OK to take a minute to form a better, more intelligent thought about this thing you don't even try to understand.

Lisa Landrum Troxler has some fucked up memories if she A: Remembers Hitler in any aspect other than the history books and B: Thinks Hitler exterminated giraffes as a part of Jewish ethnic cleansing.

Though I'll admit, certainly didn't check Marius's junk for a circumcision, so I can't say there isn't a connection. If there is, my history books left a fairly absurd part of history out for some reason. I didn't know Jewish giraffes existed, let alone being persecuted. Thanks for keeping my education ongoing, Lisa.

Coke commits the terrible crime of reminding Saint Louis the country isn't just European white people.

2014-02-04T07:54:00.001-08:00

If you're anything like me, this past Sunday you skipped watching the Super Bowl and instead had a nice steak dinner in a gloriously empty restaurant. Then had a nice sleep and watched the commercials online when you should have been working Monday morning.

During this time, you may have seen a Coca-Cola ad in which people from all over the country sang "America the Beautiful" in various different languages.

And then clicked the comments section to see America the Beautiful promptly shit itself in xenophobic rage.

KSDK, seeing an opportunity to drive page clicks of stupid people to their site, promptly jumped on that shit and posted to their facebook asking what all the mouth breathing troglodytes of the bi-state area thought of the commercial, and they came out in droves.

This is the basic nonsense you see all over. I know one of those clickbait websites compiled a list of tweets, all of which said basically the same thing as Terry Schroeder here. America has no official language, and that works fine for us. The people who bitch and moan about having to "Press one for English" should realize that maybe, for once, it's not about you.

Also, any time I come across a bilingual call center, I can either press two for Spanish, or press nothing to continue with English. They made it so you don't have to waste any precious calories trying to find a button to push.

I urge everyone to watch the behind-the-scenes video of the Coke ad which can be found here. Everyone in that commercial was an English speaking American who loves living in this country. Even better, when you hit the two minute mark, you hear these wonderful Americans talk about the prejudices they have to deal with. How one woman didn't feel welcome because of the color of her skin, and how her husband, a white man, didn't feel welcome in her family. There are the Native Americans who get called foreigners and the Israeli and Arab who are afraid to talk about their heritage.

Since day one we've been hating on people who wash up on our shores looking for something better, and you can rest assured there will be some jackass talking out of their ass about LEGAL immigration being totes fine. Even though it's a process that can take years, and the ones calling for it are only citizens because they managed to be shat out inside our borders.

I'm surprised Americans are so willing to oust their current favorite brand of shitty sugar water over something so trivial. Pepsi came out in favor of gay rights, and Dr. Pepper had a controversial evolution ad, so I wonder how all these assholes will get their empty calories. You can always drink sweet tea as long as you don't mind that Lipton is a owned by UK based company.

Man, it is hard to buy American when you're a bigot.

WE ARE THE AMERICANS. LOWER YOUR SHIELDS AND SURRENDER YOUR SHIPS. WE WILL ADD YOU BIOLOGICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN. YOUR CULTURE WILL ADAPT TO SERVICE US. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

Yes, there was a distinct lack of Aryan in that commercial. How dare they not include the downtrodden whitey!?!?! I also love the claim of "We built this nation." The full quote should be "We built this nation, stolen from the feather heads, on the backs of niggers, chinks and micks and continue to do so on underpaid wetback labor. WHAR ALL DA WHITE PEOPLE AT?"

Josh Desroche is the guy who asks why there isn't a White History month and locks his car door whenever a black person walks by.

Again, we have no national language. Valerie Frakes, as an American, puts shame on Coca Cola for DARING to acknowledge there might possibly be other people in this country who aren't like her. Or even daring to showcase two languages that were in America before it was America!

Personally, I don't give a fuck what you speak, just don't talk to me.

Just one of many of the English speakers using improper punctuation, grammar, exclamation abuse and spelling words wrong.

Amanda Wurtz knows better than to let things like knowledge and intelligence get in her way.

You know that person who starts talking and everything is great, but then keeps talking and everything is stupid? That's Judy Hasenstab Sawyer. The one who thinks it's great we have all this diversity so everyone can love us again! Please love America, little brown people drinking sugar water!

For an exercise, think about how much you give a fuck about Bahrain That's as much of a fuck Bahranians give a fuck about you. Those people have jobs, families and all kinds of other boring human things to deal with every day than to worry about if they love America or not.

As one of your service men protecting the u.s.a., I don't give a flying fuck. I hear a dozen different languages in uniform and it's fine. And if you come over from Japan or Mexico or Europe and don't speak English, I can give you a quick primer. There are the only words you need to get by in America:

Fuck You

Shit

Son of Bitch

One please

Two please

Where is bathroom

Beyond that, it's all just conversational English.

Finally, I've taken the liberty to translate America the Beautiful into a truly beautiful language: Klingon. Please keep in mind not everything translates properly. Klingon poetry is much different than ours.

toH 'IH spacious chal,

tIr amber joq,

Doq 'ej SuD HuD ghItlhvetlh

wovbe' naH nIt!

america! america!

qeylIS shed SoHvaD botlhDaq

qoghDaq QaQ loDnI' hood

vo' Qo'noS ngeng retlhDaq boch!

KDNL's Facebook may be a coded cry for help.

2014-02-03T07:04:00.003-08:00

We are in a world now where "Social Media Manager" isn't a job title I laugh at when you put it on your business cards. While you don't exactly need a BS to do Search Engine Optimization or twitter posting, It's good to have some research under your belt.

Of all the facebook pages for local news, KDNL is at the bottom of the 'Likes" barrel. Either the crushing loneliness has driven the social media person insane, or the facebook page is run by someone who thinks this is all a fad like the portable CD player and VCR. BETAMAX 4 LYFE!

Here is the case for insanity. There isn't very much interaction with the fans on the facebook page, so the manager has to talk to themselves. I wonder if they were trying to get the conversation going, but forgot to log out, or if this is just how that poor intern chained in the basement of the building keeps that last thread of sanity before going over the deep end.

I...what?

I mean, does this person have a normal facebook page of their own? The only things posted are Steve Harvey photos, stuff about the Oscars, weird shit like this and absolutely no local news. I've been trying to decipher any coded messages in case someone is trying to give a location to send police.

Or maybe this is where they've always wanted to be. When you're down here with KDNL, you'll float too...