Shit That Pisses Me The Fuck Off

#111: Dudes Who Text Like Chicks

2011-10-24T00:40:00.000-07:00

We all know these people. There's always at least one guy in your circle of friends that just sends random ass "emoticons" or whatever the fuck you want to call them when they are unnecessary. Its like alright bro I know you have a girlfriend but jesus fuck learn to differentiate between the tone of a message to her and one to me (and while you're at it, kick that bitch to the curb, hell yeah) cause its weirding me out.

Let me post for you a text I received the other day, from a male someone who will remain nameless for their own sake. "I talked to my mexican brothers & they get $12/square. You okay with that? =-?\=D/" Now, I am going to ignore the slight racist tone of the first part of the text and focus on the two smiley faces at the end separated by a /. I'm not even sure what =-? is supposed to be, maybe its like a "can I suck you off?" face. Which I wouldn't mind except the small detail of the person sending me this was of the male gender. And despite what many closet homosexuals will tell their friends, getting your dick sucked by a guy is not only gay if you're the one sucking. It goes both ways (pun intended). So no thanks to that first smiley face pal. The second one is a little more straightforward, the classic =D. Now I'm not going to say for sure, but I'm about 90-95% sure that anyone who thinks that putting the D instead of a ) is cool shit is actually a fucking idiot. So there's that faux pas. Plus, when you send smiley faces to a dude and you are a dude, again, it sends weird messages.

#110: The Dentist

2011-10-12T00:14:00.000-07:00

Going to the dentist is probably on my top 3 least favorite things to do ever, alongside listening to women talk about sports and pooping the day after drinking a 40. Its such a fucking racket too, yeah thanks for making my god damn gums bleed with your scalpel that has probably been inside 20-30 other mouths today. I really needed that. Some asshole out there is probably like "You just hate dentists cause you have shit teeth probably". Well the joke is on you, I have never had a cavity. So you can fucking blow me you gap toothed fuck ass. I would like to break down my most recent dentist visit for you guys cause it was just so enjoyable/made my day.

Chapter 1: Arrive At Dentist's Office Building

My dentist is in Portland, I'm still on my parents' dental plan and shit so I have no say in this. Portland blows cock, driving in Portland blows cock, and when you add those to the fact that I am driving to somewhere in Portland I would hate no matter where it was, you can gather that I am sufficiently pissed the fuck off before I even walk in the doors. The building my dentist is in is a super fancy business building where everyone there except for me owns like 30 suits and drinks martinis to "wind down". So naturally when I walk in wearing my dirty adidas, jeans, and a "take me to timberline" shirt I feel like everyone wants me to take the elevator to the top floor and jump the fuck off. But I do not do this. So they look at their briefcases in disgust.

Chapter 2: Get To Actual Dentist's Office

I check in. The lady at the desk is having a great day, according to her enormous gloating smile and her tone of voice, which sounds like someone telling a death row inmate which way the electric chair is. I instantly start an inner monologue sarcastically agreeing with everything she says (Yeah I'd LOVE to fucking write my name on this paper. Sure you can have my god damn driver's license, why the FUCK NOT). While I finish signing in I think of ways to slice her throat with the paper on the clipboard but I don't, on account of if I went to jail I would not get to snowboard this winter. She hands me a toothbrush and says I can go brush in the sink over there cause it will be about 5 minutes. Except this lady has forgotten one minor detail, which is that EVERY NORMAL PERSON FUCKING BRUSHES THEIR TEETH BEFORE THEY GO TO THE DENTIST ANYWAYS

Chapter 3: Called Back To The Chair

I say hello to my dentist who I have known since I was 8 or so. He opens with the same knee slapper I have heard every god damn time I go, "Hey tell your parents to stop feeding you har haw har har hee". "Ha" I say, when really I want to say "I've been 6'1 for 3 fucking years now". Then the ordeal begins.

Chapter 4: It Begins

Dentist 1, who is a 45-50 year old male, sticks a weird mirror stick in my mouth and begins scratching the shit out of my enamel with a sharp metal object, which is precisely what he told me not to do ever the last time I was here. Inevitably he fucks up a couple times and before long Dentist 2, a 25-30 year old female, has to stick a miniature plastic vacuum in my mouth and suck 95% of the moisture out, which includes lots of blood. This goes on for about 5 minutes but it feels like 30. then it is "one dentist leaves, the other dentist stays to make it awkward" time. The guy leaves and the chick sits there asking me weird questions like do you like football and how was your drive (shitty obviously this is Portland). I of course can't respond coherently on account of the plastic vacuum is still chilling in my mouth going HSSSSSHHSHFFFFFSHHHSHHHSSFSSSSSS and preventing me from forming any other sound besides OHSHHMMFMM. Dentist 2 nevertheless responds to everything I say like I am speaking normal words. Little does she know that I started just going OHSHHHMFFMMM a bunch and not even trying to make words about 4 visits ago. Fuckin whore. Then dentist 1 comes back and it's time for the coup de gras...

Chapter 5: Fluoride

If there was ever a time I wanted to be a 3rd world child, it is now. They never have to taste the awful taste of flavored fluoride. They are perfectly content with smearing poop on their teeth/faces, and in this moment I envy them. Faced with the harrowing choice of marshmallow, bubble gum, chocolate, banana, or mint, I have chosen marshmallow. Mainly because I haven't tried it before and I know all the other ones suck ass. I hold out h But, alas, marshmallow is just a shitty as all the others. It may even be more shitty, because it ruins the taste of marshmallows for me for the next month or so. The stupid fucking mouth vacuum is still in my mouth and I'm trying to funnel this marshmallow garbage towards it to get this stupid shit done with but it still takes like 3 hours (aka 10 minutes in real time). Then finally the stupid thing is done and I get up to leave.

Chapter 6: DON'T EAT ANYTHING FOR 1 GODDAMN HOUR YOU FUCKING FUCK

Of course I have no cavities cause I am a capital B Bauss. Dentist 1 asks if I want to pick a toy, or maybe a mood ring, out of a drawer in the front. I say no thanks, on the grounds that I am not a 5 year old. Before I completely get the fuck out of there though, I hear those 5 words I never want to hear from the receptionist..."We'll see you next time!" ..SHIT

#109: Shit Heads On Craigslist Pt. II

2011-10-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I like to snowboard. So using that information, you should be able to logically assume 2 things:
1. I am poor
2. I look for deals on snowboard shit all the time on craigslist

This leads to me finding such absolute gems as this. A Burton snowboard setup for only $320! Wow. And the board looks like it is only 6, 7 years old max. Plus, it comes with "wrenches"! Not sure what you use wrenches for on a snowboard, but who couldn't use more wrenches right? Its obvious from the way this guy's bindings are set up that he does mad sick freestyle maneuvers on the hill. They are set back about 10 cm, they are about a foot apart from each other, and the back binding is perpendicular to the edges. This is definitely the way to go, because having knee ligaments is for fucking pussies. Oh and I forgot to mention, having one random USA flag sticker makes you a boss and not a gaper.

This is a great deal as well, it was only used "maybe" one time. This board is so damn good that this guy can't even remember if he rode it or not. It probably blew his mind to the point of retardation because this setup is so awesome. His bindings also have a case of the perpendiculars but whatever, Technine bindings make you hood and you can't buy that kind of street cred (except when you buy this setup). Also, and this is a minor thing, super minor, but the boots are actually STEP IN BOOTS AND YOU DON'T HAVE STEP IN BINDINGS. I mean jesus christ how do you not notice that? There's a big fucking metal piece sticking out the side. Did you not think that was a little odd?

Lamar Snowboard with Bindings and Boota
Nice I have been looking for some Bootas. Plus, Lamar snowboards are like the best money can buy (no). They have binding's too, kemper's. Fuck it, we 'should ju'st put apo'strophe's before every 'single fucking 's out there! Cause who gives a fuck about punctuation/knowing things. No. Fuck you "Kyle". I wouldn't spend $20 on that pile of shit.

COMPLETE SNOWBOARD PCKG READY TO RIDE!!! - $300
Awesome!!!!! I have had many problems before with snowboards that just weren't ready to be ridden, sometimes they are just immature and won't do it, or sometimes they come from abusive relationships and you have to nurture them back into allowing you to ride them. So I get where this chick is coming from. The board is a brand I have never heard of called "Nollie" so you know its definitely quality construction. "I bought it at the Ski & Snowboard show for a lot more than I'm selling it for, and am asking $300 for ALL." Well JOANN its not the general public's fault you are a fucking idiot, $300 is still 100x what this shit is worth. Just because they sell it at the expo does not mean it is good. HOORAY GRESHAM!!!

Lamar snowboard - $300
I will be honest, the moment I saw "Lamar" and "$300" in the same sentence I knew this would be great. Here is a rule of thumb I have about Lamars(note the absence of an apostrophe), NEVER PAY MORE THAN $20 DOLLARS FOR ONE. And never use it unless you are boarding on rocks in summer or it is literally your first time ever. But, this post got even better when I clicked on it. The reason she is selling it is because....drum roll...She's having a baby!!!!! Hooray!!!!! HAHAHAHA so you are stupid, and you are a whore. If any retard buys that for 300 I think the average cost of an abortion is about 350...So just do what you normally do at night but this time ask the random guy if he can give you $50 first. Also though, $300 buys a lot of coathangers and/or alcohol. And stairs are free. Just saying.

#108: People Who Write Blogs

2011-10-08T03:02:00.001-07:00

Seriously, who the fuck are you? How dare you. Not to mention, get a job/life/friends. No one can write a lot of blogs (we'll say anywhere around the century mark qualifies you) and still be a functioning member of society. I surf the net and I see blogs like this everywhere. Its complete bullshit! What kind of narcissistic asshole sits at his computer and types things that aren't "yo you want some dick" to random girls on facebook chat? You would think that eventually, these people would get the hint and just shut the fuck up because obviously no one wants to listen (read) to their stupid fucking complaints. I read one this one time that was a guy complaining about complainers! The gall of some people. The worst is the ones who use big words to try and sound smart like "narcissistic" and "blumpkin". Its like hey bro you're not fucking smart cause you know hella words, get over yourself. No Scripp's Spelling Bee winner ever got laid ever I'm pretty sure, so what does that tell you. Its especially lame when people go off on a tangent about things they like that no one else in the world gives a shit about, like extreme action snow sports or some other fag parade. Fuck that shit.

#107: The Man

2011-10-03T18:28:00.001-07:00

As Jack Black so eloquently puts it, "the Man ruined the ozone, he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock 'n roll, but guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV!" I'm not 100% sure on the rock and roll part because I wasn't alive in 1979 when rock and roll actually mattered but he is right about the other stuff. Shamu? Raped in the ass by the man. The ozone? Don't give a shit. But still probably fucked by the man. The man definitely came up with MTV, and he definitely puts shows like Teen Mom and shit on there. The Man told Rob Dyrdek to rip off Tosh.0 and quit doing Fantasy Factory episodes because he couldn't stand an actual normal decent show on MTV. The Man is in every pile of shit you step on in the grass, he is responsible every time your school runs out of the chocolate milks and you have to drink regular. People always say that the Man holds them down. Bullshit. The Man does not hold anyone down. He wraps his hands around their neck and forces their heads underwater until you think you're going to pass out, but then he lets you up for air and you take a long deep breath only to find out that while you were under SURPRISE the Man ripped ass and it smells like the inside of my 4 year old snowboard boots. The Man stopped Kellogs from making Wild Berry pop tarts, and he also got rid of Captain Crunch All Berries. The Man fishes with powerbait, and snags spawned out salmon for fun. He wrote the sequels to the Sandlot and he has funded every romantic comedy ever. He told people to wear shoelaces for belts. If the Man hasn't fucked you over yet, then you better die soon, cause it's only a matter of time before he catches up with you, bends you over, and blows a hot sticky load of fuck you all over your soul.

#106: Gresham

2011-09-30T02:40:00.000-07:00

Gresham is a horrific shit hole of evil and repulsiveness located just east of Portland. If you have read every single one of these blogs then a) I'm extremely surprised and b) you know that I hate Portlanders. Portland as a city itself is ok. But Gresham is...there really aren't any words to describe it. Well "meth central" would work, as would "gang shootings are common here". Oh sure, there are random pockets of rich people's houses, but for the most part its just projects and duplexes with broken down Fords on the lawn. It was named after a postmaster general named Walter Q. Gresham who was actually kind of a bad ass. However, he died from stab wounds while trying to arrest a lawbreaker, laying the foundation for Gresham as it exists today. AKA a place where the majority of residents are criminals and overall shitty people. Let me tell you a story that sums up Gresham. Once upon a time I was driving to the mountain (duh) and I had to go through the sea of fuck that is Gresham because its the fastest way. I was driving past the bustling town square which consisted of 2 nail salons, a Little Caeser's, and the crown jewel, Chevron. I noticed that there were a shit ton of police cars with sirens on in the parking lot to my left. "Some tweaker probably killed a bunch of people," I said to my friend in the passenger seat not having any clue what was going on. Then we kept going, and the incident was forgotten until I got home later that evening and saw on the news that a dude had done a shit ton of meth, killed his wife, and literally ran naked down the street shooting his gun at random people about 20 minutes before I drove past! Neat. (I tried to find the actual news story but there are a shit ton of things like this that happen in Gresham and this particular one was like 2 years ago so I couldn't find it on Google) If you feel inclined, type in "Gresham Meth arrest" on google and see how many different stories there are. It's a lot! The city's unofficial nickname is Greshamphetamine. The reason its not an official nickname is because Gresham's city officials are too busy being crooked and not arresting gang members and wiping their ass with dirty 100 dollar bills covered in coke residue. That last part I don't know about. 75% sure though. I don't know which there are more of, dirty greasy russians who smoke like its 1945 and think that their entire immediate family is a "gang" that yells stupid shit at people, or hispanics (read:cholos) who smoke weed openly on the street and are actually in gangs. Showing up less frequently but still quite numerous are the lovable black people who wear sweatsuits and Lugz and who feel the need to make their voice be the loudest sound wherever they go, including intersections and Arby's bathrooms. Where are the white people you ask? Don't worry, they are in their basements/garages/barns cooking up a fresh batch of meth! This wonderful cornucopia of people is complimented beautifully with the city's architecture, the theme of which appears to be Shit In Your Own Front Yard And Never Have All Your Windows Intact. Every once in a while I'll see a normal looking person and I just feel so sorry for them. It's probably like being a little herbivore dinosaur in the late Jurrasic surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Velociraptors and T-Rexes, only the Velociraptors have handguns in their sagging Dickies shorts and the T-Rexes shout obscenities at the top of their lungs while riding bikes with spinner rims and 4 foot high handlebars. Oh and every other week or so there are werewolves with rat tails and scraggly beards that come out of the ground, but not normal werewolves, werewolves on meth with crazy amphetamine strength. That's Gresham.

#105: MTV Made Episode. 38 Snowboarder Ashley

2011-09-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by saying I don't watch Made ever, because its fucking retarded and the people on it are fucking retarded. But, one time I noticed they were doing a snowboarding episode. So, against my better judgement, I watched it. The intro alone was fucking horrific, with some cunt doing a voiceover saying shit like "Ever since Ashley moved from California to Wisconsin, her social life has been OVER" and "she's going to be made into a super shredding snowboarder". So already MTV is turning this into a dumb cunt therapy session that really has nothing to do with snowboarding. Just to give you an idea of what a stupid fucking whore this Ashley girl is, she works at a hotel and some people came in with a bunch of bags and asked her to help them get them upstairs and her response was "Are you for real?" Like asking the hotel employee to help you with your luggage is the most condescending asshole shit you could ever do. So that's what we are working with here.

Her shit head "coaches" show up and they go snowboarding aka some fucking asshole wearing rainbow allover print clothes and Bolle goggles gives her a piggyback ride down the hill. Great first lesson. Oh and he keeps calling her cupcake? Which is pretty fucking weird if you ask me. Who calls someone cupcake? No one I have ever known. Or seen on TV. Except this asshole apparently! But, anyways, he keeps it in his pants somehow long enough to teach her how to ride A BOX. Nevermind the fact that this girl has not actually ridden on snow farther than 3 feet without falling over like an infant. This is a great idea on his part because we all know the best/safest thing for people in the actual park (where the boxes are) is to have people who can't stop or turn careening down the run beside them like Ryan Dunn in a Porsche (sarcasm). Then after 4 or 5 "attempts" to 50 50 a 4 foot box she throws a fit. Now, up until this point I had some respect for this atrocious whore because at least she was trying to snowboard and we all start out being shitty, but it went down the drain when she threw a fit like my 8 year old cousin because she sucked. I don't know what it is but girls always have to fucking whine and bitch and moan when they suck at snowboarding and fall a lot. I have taken many beginners with me to show them the ropes cause I'm a nice guy (LOL) but the only people that throw fits are the girls. I would say 95% of the people I see having a bad time on the mountain are chicks. Why? I don't know. Maybe because all girls are stupid and have the patience of 8 year olds. But I can't say for sure. Anyways here is a NEWS FLASH for everyone thinking about learning to snowboard because they saw the Art of Flight ad on ESPN or because they want to go to the X Games and have Shaun White mushroom stamp them or some other stupid shit like that:

YOU WILL NOT BE GOOD AT SNOWBOARDING THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT. YOU WILL FALL ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR ASS AND YOU WILL BE SORE AND COLD(BECAUSE YOU ARE ON A MOUNTAIN/IN SNOW) AND FEEL RETARDED EVERY TIME YOU FALL OVER IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

Coincidentally though, just like anything else that requires physical coordination, you will get better the more you do it. It took me about 3 or 4 times to even link turns. Then it took me like a year to learn to ride switch and not look like a goofy fuck. So if you're going to be one of those people who just buy Oakleys and hangs them up on their rearview mirror so you can tell girls you are "thinking about hitting up the mountain on Saturday" then please do yourself and me a favor and don't even bother actually snowboarding because you will look like a fool and you won't enjoy it. Stupid fucking Ashley is one of these people who snowboards because she thinks other people want her to do it, not because she wants to do it. She is everything I hate in this world.

Then OMG KEEGAN SHOWS UP TO SHRED THE BOX IN HER FRONT YARD RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO DO IT BUT IT DISTRACTS ASHLEY AND SHE FALLS MEHHHHH :((((((((((((
Yes that is correct, Ashley's main reason for learning to snowboard was to impress Keegan, the neighborhood fuck head shit for brains asshole with a scene haircut. I'm thinking to myself Ok this kid is at least going to be somewhat cool right? If he is known as "snowboarder guy" to the chicks at school. But then he gets out of the car and I notice he is wearing jeans tucked into his boots and a camo hunting jacket. Hmmm I say maybe he is trying to be ironic. Then he drops in on the box, which let me remind you is a RIDE ON, 4 FOOT LONG MONSTER OF A FEATURE and gracefully slides off halfway through his steezy ass 50 50 and falls down. Well not only does he fall down, but he runs into someone's legs also. So it apparently is a match made in heaven because they are both poser ass fuck heads. They really deserve each other.

To save a lot of time I will just sum up the last half of the episode. She throws approximately 5 fits, all related to how hard it is to learn to snowboard AND go to school AND work 2 hours a day at her dad's hotel. She doesn't ever actually get better at snowboarding. She does get to go to Woodward and fuck around in the foam pit. Somehow, she jumps into the foam pit and knees herself in the face. This results in A BLOODY LIP HOLY SHIT and she of course has to cry about it for 10-15 minutes. After that ridiculous show of athleticism/maturity, she gets to go on a weeklong trip to Colorado. It shows a few clips of her coaches and it turns out that they can't even ride fucking switch. Cool. Then, at the end, she enters a "contest" aka a couple of girls try to 50 50 boxes and she loses because she still can't actually snowboard. Then her dad gives her a hug and Keegan takes her to browntown. Probably.

Disclaimer: Some people say hey you talk about snowboarding too much what the fuck is wrong with you? To which I respond: this website is called "shit that pisses ME off" not "shit that all you fucking assholes think I should care about" so kindly eat a dick if you are upset with the content within. :)

#104: KFC's Retarded Commercial

2011-09-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

We've all seen this commercial. Well unless you're poor or lame and don't have a TV, in which case you can see it here. First it shows some fuck head looking at a chicken nugget like its his girlfriend's clit or something and it confuses/frightens him while some other fuck head voiceover cunt says "what part of the chicken is nugget?"(side note I have never seen 'popcorn' on a chicken either KFC). Then the voiceover asshole says "at KFC our cooks don't make nuggets. They make POPCORN CHICKEN" sounding like the most smug asshole ever, as if popcorn chicken were the farthest thing in the world from being a disgusting and foul chicken nugget. Then it cuts to a scene of a couple minorities making what looks to me like a huge tray a chicken nuggets. Then the smug fucking voiceover douche is like "how does popcorn chicken compare to nuggets" and some fucking weirdo with the creepiest face ever pops up and goes "IT DOESN'T". Which is sort of correct, because popcorn chicken and chicken nuggets are pretty much the same fucking thing. Then creeper guy goes "our cooks don't make nuggets" sounding like Allen Iverson talking about practice, and the voiceover prick (who is by now bff's with the creeper guy apparently) goes "That's right Aaron. That's right..." and you can almost hear the pedophilia in voiceover guy's voice. Strangely enough, I found a KFC ad from the past that specifically advertises their nuggets and has some whore with a visor talking about how "everyone loves KFC chicken nuggets...Except McDonald's!" as if that was the funniest fucking thing that had ever been said ever (which it is not). That's more hypocritical than David Carradine telling someone to fuck off and die. Even if KFC didn't have horrifically stupid ads with pedos and creepers, I wouldn't eat there because their food is like ingesting a pill that increases your cholesterol by 200 points and makes you shit uncontrollably 15 minutes later.

#103: Fuck Heads Who Leave The Sticker On Their Hat

2011-08-26T00:30:00.000-07:00

This is another one of those things where I just think to myself WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT? On what other article of clothing do you leave the sticker on for it to be cool? None of them. You leave the sticker on when you try it on, because you aren't sure if it will get you pussy yet, but then after that you TAKE THE FUCKING TAG/STICKER OFF

If I were some sort of sociology professor I would turn this into a study on how stupid most people are because the only reason people wear stickers on their hat is because they see other people doing it. Ask someone who does it why they didn't take their sticker off, I guarantee they will say "I dunno it looks cool..." Yes but why does it look cool? Is it cool for people to wonder "Hey that guy may have walked out of the store with that hat, but did he buy it? Or just put it on and leave?" I don't think so. People only do this shit because other people do it. It's a way to have "individuality" without actually being an individual. To put it in a way that doesn't sound so fucking pretentious, its a way for kids to reassure themselves that they aren't fuck heads (even though they are fooling themselves hardcore). These are the same people that wear shoelace belts yet don't skate, and wear beanies that stick up 5 inches off their heads in the middle of August.

1) Shoelace belts are so if your shoelace breaks when you're skating you can have another one, and they are also more comfortable than normal leather belts when doing actual tricks on a skateboard. So when I see 14 year olds walking around in multi color DC's that they've had for 5 months but are not scuffed or dirty at all, pre-ripped jeans with a shoelace belt and an Enjoi t-shirt, just know that you are not cool you are a fucking idiot.

2) Okay bro I get it, you fucking snowboard. So do I! I'm sure you have fun getting high on the lift and 50-50ing boxes with your friends who (like you) all wear tall tees under unzipped jackets and ride skate bananas and look like this guy who is a skier (and a douche) and that's great for you, but its fucking 90 degrees outside and you cannot be comfortable. While you're at it take off that fucking cotton flannel too, this is Washington in the summer, not Northern Alaska. PS fuck you and all your relatives

#102: Having A Cold

2011-08-24T00:11:00.001-07:00

So I'm sitting here going on day 2 of having a stupid fucking cold and its really starting to piss me the fuck off. Where the fuck are the doctors on this? Here is a quote from an actual legit doctor:

"Hey we got polio under control, we can keep Magic Johnson's HIV positive ass alive for fucking ever, we can perform surgery on your fucking brain to fix it if it gets smashed in in a fucking car accident, we even gave some lady with a monkey a NEW GOD DAMN FACE...But colds are escaping us at the moment. Why don't you just take some fucking Nyquil and maybe it will work and maybe it won't, but if you take the Nyquil you're gonna fall asleep in 20 minutes and there's a 75% chance you will have some sort of fucked up psychedelic dream involving the fat girl from Figure It Out and Kate Gosselin's war-torn vagina."

I'm stuck here using shit paper for Kleenex because I used up all the boxes in the entire house in like 30 minutes. My nose makes me look like Rudolph's pissed off human cousin because apparently blowing your nose every ten seconds irritates the skin on your upper lip/nose, who would have thought(sarcasm)? Not to mention my jaw randomly hurts. Its bad enough I can't smell/taste anything and my nose drips like Sarah Palin's cooch when she sees an animal get shot, but I also can't get comfortable on my god damn memory foam pillow. And if you've ever slept on a memory foam pillow you know those things are baller as fuck. I'm not rich enough to afford that shit in a mattress but pillows are mattresses for your head so its basically the same shit. I wish I could turn into Osmosis Jones (minus the being Chris Rock part) and go inside my body and just beat the shit out of all the cold/virus cells or whatever the fuck they are, I don't know, I got an F in biology.

#101: This Guy From My Local Paper

2011-06-28T05:27:00.000-07:00

That's right fuck heads I lied. I said there would be no more but here I am giving you more of what you don't want. Which is also what I told some whore when she asked if was done blowing my load in her mouth.

This editorial I read in the paper really fucking pissed me off. First of all, it's gayer than AIDS to write letters to the paper, and second of all, this guy is a no class fuck stain with a baby's dick.

"I live on the Metolius River in Oregon part of the summer. A July 2 story reported “Underwater competition: Bull trout make a return.” Before the bull trout was introduced a couple of years ago, we had thousands of kokanee surfacing for bugs all day long. We had fishermen, bald eagles and osprey from 6 in the morning until dark working the food chain. The Forest Service or the Confederate Tribes of Warm Springs had to reintroduce the bull trout and many of the former activities have disappeared.

Our federal government has spent millions of your money on two fish ladders to reintroduce salmon and steelhead to Lake Billy Chinook and the program is just getting started. I guess we’ll see how many of the eggs and small ones get eaten by the bull trout before going to sea. The bull trout is a sucker fish that the anglers don’t even come to fish. Do you ever see it in the stores for sale?

Gary Benke

Vancouver"

Gary Gary Gary Gary. Why do you say these things? I bet you came home one day pissed off because you couldn't catch any Kokanee from your stupid ass 14 foot Bayliner you bought on credit. Then you came home and your ghoulish wife wanted to get fucked but you couldn't get it up. So you thought to yourself holy shit I have to make myself feel better quick so I don't Casey Anthony my infant son in a fit of rage tonight. So, naturally, you wrote a letter to your paper blaming Bull trout for eating all the Kokanee you WOULD have caught if the Bull trout hadn't been such huge assholes to you in particular.

"I guess we’ll see how many of the eggs and small ones get eaten by the bull trout before going to sea."

Be a little more passive aggressive you fucking twerp...And NEWS FLASH every single fucking fish in the Metolius river eats fish eggs. So I suppose that means we should just send 10,000 volts through the entire river and kill off every single living fucker in there (except your precious Kokanee of course) so that Salmon and Steelhead can spawn their little fish hearts out. Orrrrr you could just not be a whiny bitch about it and accept that in nature some fish eggs are going to get eaten by other fish, its happened since before you were born and it will continue happening after you are dead of chronically being a cunt.

"The bull trout is a sucker fish that the anglers don’t even come to fish. Do you ever see it in the stores for sale?"

Okay let's just point out the obvious here, Bull trout are not anatomically sucker fish. For your consideration I went and caught a bull trout to show you (because I'm not a puss like Gary and I can catch them)

As you can see, the Bull trout does not have a "sucker" mouth. It has a normal ass fish mouth with gills and some little sharp teeth on the inside. But maybe he meant they were lame and uninteresting fish and that's why no one wants to catch them. If ol Gary had ever hooked into a Bull trout, he would know that he is fucking stupid and they are not easy to reel in.

Funnily enough, Bull trout is a char, whis is a member of the Salmonidae family, as are Kokanee. Way to go Gary! You are on a fucking roll my man. Here is another fact that makes Gary look like a dipshit: the reason they are planting Bull trout in the river is because they used be so prized as a sport fish that they were fished to the brink of extinction (good call on the sucker fish claim Gary!), which brings me to his last "point"... "Do you ever see them at the store for sale?" No I do not, GARY, because THEY ARE A FUCKING ENDANGERED SPECIES AND THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK

So congrats Gary, on being a complete limp dick fucktard and pissing me off. Its no wonder he is such an asshole though, anyone who has played Pokemon Red, Blue, or Yellow would know that people named Gary are real sons of bitches.

Special Edition #100: Shit That I Enjoy

2011-03-19T02:39:00.000-07:00

So many things that I hate. 100 of them I have written about (I know it says 99 but there was an 11.5 in there for some reason) on this stupid blog. And I do hate them, each and every one. The posts are like my children that I fathered when I was drunk and forgot to pull out, but somehow they turned into decent kids and I play catch with them on weekends and take them for ice cream sometimes and shit. We're not close by any means, but they feel comfortable asking me for money at least. Anyways, now I think it would be a good time to write about the things that make me happy, because the world needs some good old fashioned positivity! Yea optimism!!

I like it when people I hate have bad things happen to them. For instance, if I read on facebook that one of my ex girlfriends is having a bad day, or is dating some complete tool, or maybe even got hit by an Amtrack train, then my face just lights up. You can say that you wish the best for your ex and it may not be the cool thing to do to denounce them publicly but really its enjoyable when they fail. That is an inarguable fact. Call me a piece of shit! I really could care less. You can't sit (or rather stand I guess) there on your soapbox and tell me that every time little Vicky Derkins who took your virginity/ripped your heart out and spat on it in 9th grade posts on her status "terrible day. just need a friend :(" you don't chuckle to yourself at least on the inside a little bit. Its perfectly natural and healthy to embrace the dickhead in yourself. Which, coincidentally, is what I told a chick last night when she was having second thoughts about taking my penis in her ass.

Another thing I enjoy immensely is when little kids hurt themselves. It is absolutely priceless when I see some poor little shit on skis fucking snowplow into a tree and do one of those little kid cries. There are 8 elements to a little kid cry, at least the good ones.
1. Child hits object
2. Child falls on the ground
3. Child processes the fact that it just ran into a tree going 5 mph
4. Child is unnecessarily frightened by this fact (a second or two has passed since the initial contact by now)
5. Child's mouth begins to open, but no sound comes out - yet
6. Child begins to emit a screeching noise that starts quiet but continually gets louder, like eeeeeEEEHHHHHHHHHHH OWWIE OWWIE AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
7. Child's parent(s) come over telling them its going to be okay and that they are fine even though the parent a) was not looking when the child fell and b)can obviously see that the child's legs are bent at an impossibly awkward position
8. I laugh at the child's misfortune, and also at the spiderweb racing spandex his parents are wearing

Don't worry though, young kids never get seriously injured by anything ever, their bones are made of rubber until age 10 I'm pretty sure. I looked it up on WebMD.

Things That I Like That Don't Involve Someone Else's Physical Pain: JWoww's(don't know her real name) tits. Those are just a fantastic pair of dick slippers (yes I just made that term up, and yes you can use it) no ifs ands or buts about it. I like The Office, even if the newer episodes have been kind of a let down. I like drinking Jack Daniel's from the bottle because then I can tell women that they can only have some if they take it straight, which leads to them either drinking an amount that wouldn't quench the thirst of a dying African, or refusing it completely thus leaving me more JD. I like putting more than one comma in a sentence. I like watching dudes try really hard at a party to get with a chick when she's sober, and then I like watching myself face fuck said whore in a bathroom 20 minutes after introducing myself when she's drunk. I like putting things in parentheses. I like fuzzy socks. If you don't like fuzzy socks because they are "effeminate" then you are obviously not secure in your sexuality because those things are awesome. I like saying the phrase "you can't buy milk in the bread aisle" at random nonsensical times. And finally, I like finding creative ways/places to piss when I'm drunk.

There it is...Everything you need to know about me, the asshole. This is probably the last blog ever because there's no way I could get to 200 and anything else after 100 would just look stupid. So finally, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, FUCK OFF

#99: Women On Facebook

2011-03-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

Hey you cunts put down the Ben and Jerry's for a second and listen up. It's time to cut that shit out. You know what I'm talking about. You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. All the fucking little posts about how "he is my one and only" and how you are "so lucky to have my snugglebear" or some other retarded shit like that. I realize facebook is designed so that you can share things with your friends but it gets to a point where even your bff is going to stab you in the fucking temple if you don't shut the fuck up about the hipster guy with the beard and how he "gets your feelings". Most of these posts are just desperate whores trying to convince themselves that they aren't actually desperate whores. You can tell because they will post something like "so lucky to have him in my life" and you will think to yourself who the fuck is this bitch talking about. Then you realize she's talking about her new boyfriend she has been going out with for like 5 days. I would be happy for you, if I didn't know for a fact that you were going to break up in a month or so. This has happened like 5 times that I know of before, its happening right now, and it will inevitably continue happening until the end of time. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. So just shut the fuck up about being soul mates until you get like 1 or 2 years under your belt. Although if you can do that you're probably more mature than an autistic 5th grader and therefore won't post stupid whore shit anyways.

98: Potpourri 2 (Or Maybe 3 I'm Not Sure)

2011-03-13T00:18:00.000-08:00

Hash Browns: French fries, mashed potatoes, and baked potatoes. Those are the only three ways potatoes should ever be served to me. Hash browns are a joke.

"Hey let's take this potato and fry it so that it becomes not healthy." "Oh you mean like a french fry?"
"No...its going to taste like shit also."
"So instead of being healthy and/or tasting good, you want a food that is neither of those things? And you want it during the best meal of the day, breakfast?"
"Yes."
"Well ok Chris Kattan. You would."

Yes the hash brown was invented by Chris Kattan. If you didn't know that then you may have a syndrome that the medical world refers to as "being a fuck head" and you should get that looked at.

People who complain about how there is too much violence in the world: Yeah you're totally right, we should go back to the good old days when people got hung from trees for no reason other than they were ~~good at basketball~~ black. You know, back when Jewish people had to take chemical showers since some greasy fuck with a lame moustache had an inferiority complex and happened to be good at war strategy. Or even farther back in time, when Friday afternoons were spent fighting off the plague and, if you were lucky, taking the kids to attend a good old fashioned beheading as the rest of the crowd yelled encouragement to the executioner like it was a college basketball game or something. Today's world may be a shit hole but at least we all get fucked over, not just the lower class.

When you buy something and its protected by 17 pounds of stiff plastic: How is a fucking Xbox live card that important. It always says "hey pull apart here, HAHAHA SIKE that's not going to work, fuck you consumer" and I always try to pull it apart and then end up just cutting the fucker with heavy duty scissors and nearly chopping my hand off like it was Aron Ralston's arm.

People Who Worry Too Much: Oh nooo 2012 ahhhh whaaa the planet's gonna die. Who gives a fuck? Either we're fucked completely, and there's nothing we can do about it because Pluto is gonna run a train on mother earth with Planet X or whatever the theory is, or nothing is going to happen and we will all be fine. SO THERE'S NO FUCKING POINT IN WORRYING SINCE IT WON'T HAVE AN EFFECT ON ANYTHING YOU STUPID FUCK.

#97: Lisa Gallucci

2011-03-08T13:33:00.000-08:00

Who is Lisa Gallucci? Well for one, she is terrible at Yahtzee. She loses by an average of 70 points every game, and that is just a ballpark figure since I'm not 100% sure she really knows how to add, so her total that she writes down could be wrong. PS what's with those headbands? NEWS FLASH this isn't 1984! She's super classy too, cause she drinks 40s...Oh wait she doesn't even drink them she just breaks them. LOL...Lisa also happens to like dubstep...Why don't you go to fucking Europe Lisa because here in America we like real music that has words in it and drums that aren't made by pressing a button. Gallucci. What a name. When you're born into the Gallucci family you probably get handed pinstriped pants and a plate of spaghetti in the delivery room. She always tries to hug me and I'm like Lisa you smell like cannoli get out of here.

#96: This Article In My Local Paper

2011-03-06T22:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.columbian.com/news/2011/mar/04/performance-meets-fashion-in-skiwear/

This is so fucking stupid. Why. Why is there a fashion show for snowboarding clothes. Why does the fucking newspaper feel the need to report it on the front page of the "life" section? And of course, mainstream media can't say anything about snowboarding without mentioning Shaun White. So I may as well talk about him now and get it over with. Apparently Shaun White has started a new trend in snowboarding by wearing skinny pants. Uhh have these people not been on a mountain in the last 6 years? Guys have been wearing girl pants for a while now. "Oh sure you can say that Josh but you have no proof/you are jealous that Shaun White is so cool with his leather pants and shit"..Well as to the first part I will put up some links to shred videos where dudes are wearing girl pants and as to the second part yes I am jealous of Shaun White's skill but no I am not jealous of how he is a ginger and rides pipe all the time.

Jed Anderson, filmed in 07/08

LNP, filmed 08/09

these fuckers, filmed sometime in the 80s

The point is that Shaun White is not the first guy to put on a pair of nut huggers. Nor is he the first to do doubles in the pipe but in all fairness he does go bigger and spin more. Well no, that's not really the point either. The point is that these fuck heads at the columbian say things like “If anyone can pull off a controversial look like that on the mountain it is Shaun,” A controversial look? I've seen old fat ladies in spandex with half a pant leg wedged in their ass crack. That is controversial. I've also seen a white guy with a sombrero and a fake mustache. Also controversial and a little racial, but still funny nonetheless. Its just super annoying when these god awful reporters/journalists cover snowboarding and they obviously have no idea what the fuck they are talking about, they just want to exploit the popularity of the sport for personal exposure/gain. Some whore also said this: "Key colors will include saffron oranges, red wine shades, muted tans, and daffodil, tapioca and banana yellows, Pesce said. For cool colors, look for a range from icy blue to cornflower to royal blue to deep navy, with turquoise or teal greens and a more acidic or sulfuric green rather than kelly green, she said. Sandstone, dusty champagne and mauve also figure to be key." Key? Key to what? Did I miss something? Did Timberline hire a fashion patrol to go along with the asshole ski patrollers that yell at me when I duck the ropes to get some pow shots(not a fucking crime lighten up you fucks)? I can just imagine somebody getting to the lift and then some effeminate dude with fuzzy boots on yelling "PLAID DOES NOT GO WITH POLKA DOTS, TAKE HIS PASS!!!!!" at a poor greasy dude who is wearing 06/07 gear that he borrowed from 3 different people. And the poor greasy dude would punch the guy out, light up a cig, get on the lift and we'd all laugh about it.

"Warmth is always important in the mountains, and Quiksilver is introducing the Cypher heating jacket next season, with a rechargeable battery to heat up panels on the lower back and torso." -Fuck Head from the article
Oh you mean like the Nomis Toasty Jacket that came out in 09(two years ago for those of you lacking basic math skills). Stuuuuuupid

"For hard goods, wood grains are appearing on snowboards and skis."
Well here's a fun fact, snowboards are actually MADE of wood on the inside. WATCH OUT HERE COMES ANOTHER FUN FUCKING FACT: the topsheet is usually made of some sort of plastic, which you can sometimes SEE THROUGH!!!! THUS YOU CAN SEE THE WOOD GRAIN!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGG!!!!! This has only been happening since like 95 though so whoever this is quoting wasn't too far behind on his shit (Sarcasm, see #91).

Here is how I see it. Even if your jacket costs more than my whole set up, and even if you have wood grains and muted colors and all that shit, if you go under the lift I'm still going to throw a snowball at you. And if you eat shit on something I'm still going to laugh at you. If you are banking on me seeing you in the lodge and thinking to myself "damn that person has hella nice shit they must be pro/raw as fuck" then you are out of luck again because I actually snowboard all day when I go up to the mountain unlike you fair weather weekend fucks who spend more time posing for pictures than actually riding.
Ps fuck you.

#95: BMX/Mountain Bikes

2011-02-28T23:32:00.000-08:00

You guys on your bikes doing flippy whips and flair stalls are SO cool. Haha oops I thought today was "Say the exact opposite of what you mean" day. Now that I know that it isn't, can you fuck heads get a new fucking hobby? Don't give me any stupid shit about how its fucking hard or whatever because I'm sure it is hard to be really good and do a double backflip and shit like that, but its also probably really hard (oral sex pun) to be really good at sucking a dick. That does not, however mean that its super awesome to go around sucking dicks like they were fleshy push pops. I (and everyone else who's not autistic) learned how to ride a bike when I was like 6 but then I moved on to cooler shit like snowboarding and taking dumps facing backwards on the toilet.

BMX: Hey man hop on my pegs and ride with me hehe we're so cool. Nope. You are a fuck head. Even better is when I see kids sitting on the handlebars of some other kids bike. I always think "eat shit eat shit eat shit eat shit" but they never do, its such a buzzkill. Thanks for chopping up the ledges too by the way, ledges are for skateboards. I can't count how many skate spots I have been to where the god damn ledges look like Attila the Hun tried to butt fuck the concrete. I only skate in the summer when its not snowboarding season but still. Don't you guys have some dirt jumps to ride or what.

Mountain Bikes: Mountains. They were made for snowboarding and skiing. Not fucking climbing, or biking, or any other retarded shit that fuck heads like to do. I have heard the argument that mountain biking is way gnarlier than snow sports because "we fall on rocks and dirt not powder man mehhhhhh"...Well if you knew anything about Mt. Hood, a decent powder day happens about 4 times every year. And usually its when the snow is already low, which means we can still fall on rocks we just can't see them before we do land on them cause they happen to be covered by .5 inches of snow. Try sending a 30 foot cliff at 7 at night in 20 degree weather, mountain biking guys, and then we can talk about who is gnarlier. Plus, we are strapped in to our shit. We can't just decide that our dicks are too small halfway through the air and kick the bike away. No. We are going down with that fucker. Which is especially fun on rails. Catching an edge on a rail and falling backwards onto what is either going to be ice, metal, or wood is not a fun thing to do. Last time I checked mountain bikes weren't man enough to even do rails so you guys should probably just STFU and GTFO.

#94: The Host In Minute To Win It

2011-02-24T19:20:00.000-08:00

I did a little research and I guess this guy's name is actually Guy. Guy Fieri...Now, I'm going to pose a question to you and I want you to think real hard. Put your thinking pants on for this one. Have you ever met or heard about someone named "Guy" and not instantly wanted to push him off a freeway bridge? Preferably one that's over something more "concrete" than water (that was a pun)? No you have not. If you have, I want you to real quick do something for me and that something is play on the freeway at night in black clothing. Back to this Guy guy...I believe he was at one point some sort of cook, or chef, or whatever the fuck it is fat assholes who stare at food all day call themselves. He looks like a pudgy more gay Lance Bass. What the fuck is up with that hair? Lance Bass is a huge homo and he doesn't even frost his tips anymore. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Not everything in the 90s was cool, unfortunately. His wikipedia page says that he got a Bachelor's degree in "Hospitality Management" from UNLV. Aka he did nothing with his life while in college. He has also been in an Aflac commercial with that stupid duck. If you are wondering why the duck is so fucking stupid and its voice makes you want to end the life of any duck you ever see, its because Gilbert Gottfried is the voice of the duck. No am I not making this up. That means Gilbert Gottfried and some fuck head who used to be a professional woman aka he cooked food for a living were in the same scene. Those two people combined have got to be stupider than John Travolta's dead son(was). Oh too soon(no)?...I don't give a fuck if Gilbert was Zazu in Lion King, Zazu was a piece of shit nag who ruined everyone's fun all the time. Even when I was 6 I knew that he was a fucking buzzkill and I didn't want anything to do with him. Guy Fieri has also been in commercials for T.G.I. Friday's, which is about 3 notches above Applebee's on the "places I'd rather commit arson to than eat at" scale. And Applebee's is pretty far down on that scale. Guy is also of Italian and Irish ancestry, which means he is going to be a fat stupid alcoholic, if he isn't already. His original last name was Ferry, but he changed it to Fieri since I guess he felt he wanted people to think he was an even bigger douche than he already was? I don't know. He said it was because he wanted to identify more with his Italian heritage. Well here's and idea for you GUY if Italy is so great why don't you fuck off and live there forever and ever.

#93: Dear Abby Pt. II

2011-02-14T01:39:00.000-08:00

The first installment was such a hit that I thought I'd do another one. I mean really there is a bottomless well of material on this one, I can't even fathom the number of dipshits with stupid problems that write in asking fuck head questions.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old woman who has always believed in the adage "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Sometimes I will offer a quick, casual smile to people I encounter in a grocery store or other public place.
Last week, a woman frowned at me when I smiled at her. Another woman passed me with a puzzled look on her face. A young man's inflated ego allowed him to respond with a "No thanks!" after I offered him a smile. It's a shame that in today's world some people have become so ill-mannered that they cannot return a smile and accept it for what it is -- a friendly gesture. -- HAVE A NICE DAY IN BARGERSVILLE, IND.

HAHAHA this person is like my polar opposite. When I go to the store, I like to punch infants in their not-yet-formed skulls while their mother shops for mashed up garbanzo bean baby food. Not to mention she has another fucking whore quote in there, "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Yeah? Everyone? Obviously, because you seem to be getting RAVE reviews from the people at your grocery store. Three sentences in and already Ms. McShitforbrains has proved herself a stupid cunt. She may as well have said "I am a 46-year-old single bored woman who gave up on her dreams of being a C-list movie star to marry my high school sweetheart, but then that went in the shitter after he fucked his secretary so now I go around trying to wring happiness out of the dirty washcloth that is society." I mean seriously, what the fuck do you expect? This is 2011 not 1969. People are assholes. What with all the god damn press about rapes and murders and fucked up shit happening to normal people, everyone is paranoid of everything. She's lucky she's a chick, if a dude did that he'd have either gotten beat the fuck up or slapped with a harassment suit. So onto my advice. What I think you should do, "Have A Nice Day", is to fucking have a nice day, have a great day, but fucking keep it to yourself. Because most of the rest of us live in the real world with real problems and we are bummed out or pissed off or annoyed 90% of the time and we don't need some fucking old woman smiling at us like we are Snow White and you are the witch handing out poison apples. Christ

DEAR ABBY: How long should I hold onto greeting cards from family and friends who send them on my birthday and holidays? I feel guilty throwing away something that someone spent time and money on for me, but they're doing nothing more than taking up space in a drawer. -- CLUTTERED WITH CARDS IN CONNECTICUT

Fucking throw them away, what are you 12? Time and money my ass. They went to fucking Target, looked at the card section and bought the cheap one on the end for 85 cents. If they aren't those cards where they have the song that plays when you open them then they aren't worth their weight in human shit anyways. What is so fucking heartfelt about writing "best wishes, Brad and His Wife The Dumb Cunt" on some Hallmark garbage that was probably written by a 35 year old virgin with a needle dick? Answer: Nothing. In my professional opinion, and I have a P.H.D. in being a fucking prick, you should throw them out and get some friends who actually interact with you on holidays rather than send you some folded cardboard and ink. Jesus, who are these fucks?

#92: Those Dear Abby Things Where Fuck Heads Ask Retarded Questions

2011-02-11T23:40:00.001-08:00

I had a conversation the other day with this chick (sounds boring I know) and she said "Josh you don't do anything to help people. You are just a big meanie. Even though you do have a nice thick cock, that you hilariously nicknamed 'The Undertaker'" And I thought you know what, she is right. Then I decided to do something to help people. Well, first I wrote down the date and time because that was the first time I had ever heard a female be right about something that didn't pertain to a Kardashian. But now, without further ado, I will go online and find some people who need help, and god damn it I will help them.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has been talking about many married couples who take showers together. In fact, he claims that most couples do. Our relationship in the bedroom has been great so far, and I'd like to keep it there. I don't want a twosome in the bathroom. Am I wrong to enjoy my privacy in the shower? -- SQUEAKY CLEAN IN NORTH CAROLINA

Well "squeaky clean" let me tell you a secret. Its not just married couples who take showers together, its every fucking couple that has ever existed that does it. What kind of a fucking prude doesn't want to shower with their bf/gf? The object of a shower with another person isn't to get clean its to fucking have sex obviously. If you write in to dear abby, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you are in the twilight of your life. Which is fantastic and all, congrats for surviving polio I guess, but my point is this. You should be happy that your husband even realizes you still have a vagina. Most of the married couples I've been around have the sexual energy of Raisin Bran. So go ahead and drop the soap because bumpin uglies in the shower is a great time for everyone involved. And lick your titties or something too I'm sure he will like that.

DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior who is worried about leaving my older sister. "Jamie" is 10 years older and moved back home with my parents and me after she finished college. She takes medication because of her anxiety and stays in her room most of the time. In the six years that Jamie has lived here she has made no friends or acquaintances. I believe I'm the only person she has a relationship with other than her therapist. As I spend more time on schoolwork and projects and less time with her, she feels ignored and becomes desperate to spend time with me. I feel I'm her only link to the outside world. I'm worried that when I move away she'll lose that connection and not make any attempts to find a relationship or a job.
I care deeply about Jamie, but I want to go to college. How can I help her to get moving? -- MY SISTER'S KEEPER IN ILLINOIS

Hey, yeah, sounds like Jamie has an absolutely horrible life. A degree, a family who puts up with her shit, and a home. She may as well kill herself now. SIKE what the fuck is wrong with people these days. She has no friends? There's no substance or chemical that can make you more friendly and outgoing so she is fucked on that one. Oh wait a second, maybe she could just GET A FUCKING LIFE AND DRINK SOME ALCOHOL WITH OTHER PEOPLE HER AGE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET. Get a fucking grip. This Jamie cunt sounds like one of those people that could complain about the heat on a trip to Disneyland. I have no time for these people, and neither should you. If they want to sit around talking about their feelings for 34.50 an hour than by all means, go right the fuck ahead. Meanwhile, what's your number "sister's keeper"? And where are you going to college? Cause if you're trying to get railed (and I know you are) maybe we could hang out with our things out.

You know I feel great right now. I just love to help people! If anyone out there has a question, or a problem, I'd be happy to help them with it. Just write it in the comments and I will answer to the best of my knowledge!

#91: People Who Don't Understand Sarcasm

2011-02-11T22:28:00.001-08:00

Actually I love people that don't get sarcasm. It's my favorite thing ever when I say something like "I'd rather shoot myself in the pancreas than listen to Wanda Sykes's voice" and then the other person goes "REALLY?!" because I'm obviously completely serious about it. All you people that don't get my sarcasm, I definitely don't drink because of you. So, just for you heterosexual people, this post is devoid of sarcasm. I repeat, sarcasm is completely absent from this post whatsoever. As such, I would like to list off a few things that I believe to be 100% true without even a hint of a sarcastic remark.

1. Kings Of Leon are a great band and I would pay any amount of money to go see them in concert
2. Unflavored carbonated water (seltzer water, club soda, etc.) does NOT taste like a doctor's glove after he gave an old man a colonoscopy, and the people who drink it are super cool
3. When people don't text me back even after they say they will (especially when it involves information that is important to me), I am completely understanding and even sympathetic towards them because I know how tough it is to press a few small buttons on a phone that you keep with you all the time

***********Women Section***********

Go ahead ladies, don't finish your drink since A) everyone loves the sober chick at a party and B) I bought this beer so you could finish half of 4 separate cans and then leave them out for other drunk people to knock over. Also, talking about sports/video games/music like you know what you are talking about really DOES NOT give me an urge to lay down in front of a riding lawnmower like that guy in the M. Night Shamananipoopoo (or whatever) movie with Zooey Deschanel and Mark Wahlberg. Speaking of that movie, The Happening I believe it was called, what a great piece of cinematography right? I mean I know I enjoyed every single second of it and the thought of taking the DVD out and shattering it into a million tiny pieces and then defecating on them didn't cross my mind, not ONCE. Anyways, back to non-ingratiating things that girls do...Oh I almost forgot! All those inspiring quotes on Facebook really get me through the day. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have some chick that I know through my friend's 17 year old sister posting things like "spread your wings like a butterfly live laugh love, because a wise girl gets railed but makes her inebriated partner wear at least one rubber-Marilyn Monroe". Plus, I'm glad that people look up to Marilyn Monroe because she obviously had her life under control and DID NOT die of abusing pills. Women's sports are totally worthwhile and deserve the same amount of national attention as men's sports. Finally, for future reference, I know how to play Jack Johnson so when I tell you yes, I can play guitar, you should all ask me to play Banana Pancakes a minimum of 17 times.

***********End Of Women Section***********

4. I don't laugh at little kids who hurt themselves because that's just sick
5. I would not let Jennifer Aniston sit on my face
6. The guy in Minute To Win It is totally a normal person and deserves all the success and fame he has received in his life. I do not want him to perish in a horrible freak meteor shower that obliterates his home and his home only (assuming he has one)

So there you have it...A totally unbiased, non-opinionated, sarcasm free ode to the joy that is life as I know it. Have a fantastic day!

#90: Shorts Without Pockets

2011-02-10T11:10:00.000-08:00

Hey you little Filipino kids in sweatshops making shorts, what the fuck is wrong with you? When the fuck did it become okay to not put pockets in shorts? Why the fuck would anyone even want shorts without pockets...That basically defeats the only valid reason to wear pants. If I didn't have anything to fucking carry around then obviously I would just not wear pants all the time. But unlike little Ernesto who works his fingers to the bone making shitty clothing, I actually have money and an ID that I carry around in a wallet. Maybe there's just a communication problem between those third world fuck heads and the good people here in America. So let me spell it out for you, Ernesto. PUT SOME FUCKING POCKETS ON MY SHORTS. Carrying a wallet around in a sweatshirt pocket is annoying as fuck and leaving it in the car just invites black peo-I mean criminals-to steal it to pay for their sister's abortion. Sometimes I'm not even wearing a swetshirt with pockets, and then I am really up a shit creek thanks to Ernesto's dumb fucking ass.

#89: Old Geriatric Fucks Driving Cars

2011-02-09T03:06:00.000-08:00

Holy shit if I see one more fucking old ass bag of bones puttering along the freeway at 45 mph I swear to christ I am going to swerve straight into them because I can't fucking take it anymore. Hopefully I will take them out with me but as long as I don't have to slam on my brakes because Gene and his Oldsmobile with the "Nobama" bumper sticker can't fucking get it up (lol) to within 20 miles of the speed limit I will be happy. Why the fuck do old people drive so slow anyways? They are going to die soon you would think they'd be in a hurry to get wherever they're going. I don't give two shits if you served a tour in Vietnam you wrinkly fuck, I'm going to serve your face a tour of pain and raw dog your granddaughter if you can't figure out that you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle if you can't see farther than 6 feet ahead of you, or get a boner without passing out for that matter. Respect your elders my ass...I respect what they did for our country 40 fucking years ago but I don't respect their decision to hold me up for 5 seconds while they decide which side of the OCB (Old Country Buffet, aka Old Cunts Buffet) driveway they want to pull into. This is why I hate driving at like 11 in the morning on a weekday to do stuff, because that's when all the people with one foot in the fucking grave are out and inevitably I will get stuck behind some dinosaur who thinks that "I-5" means "school zone" and that its alright to fucking slow down to 20 when they see brake lights 450 feet in front of them on the freeway. Don't you fuckers have a bingo game to get to or some shit...And hey don't miss the Andy Griffith Show rerun at 5:30 before bedtime, YOU ONLY HAVE 45 MINUTES TO DRIVE THE THREE MILES HOME FROM THE BANK!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!

#88: Uneducated Fucks

2011-02-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

"Hey wait a minute you didn't even finish college you fucking hypocrite!" Fuck you, I'm not talking about knowing useless shit like "moles" or "Spanish" or "women's studies". I'm talking about those people that are just straight up stupid. Like they wouldn't be able to tell their asshole from a bird's nest. A hallmark of being an uneducated fuck is acting like you know a lot about something when really the things that come out of your mouth make no fucking sense to normal people. Like that new Skins show on TV, people keep saying how awesome and original it is, and then other people will complain about how sleazy and inappropriate it is. Both of these stances are completely fucking retarded. One, like the Office, Skins is a remake of a british sitcom series. And I've seen parts of the british one, its a little more dry humor but its basically the SAME FUCKING SHIT BUT WITH LIMEY FUCKING ACCENTS. Two, its not all that graphic. Sure maybe the characters spout crude sayings and say fucked up shit from time to time but frankly if you are letting your kids watch MTV and then getting offended, you're a dipshit anyways. What about Teen Mom? Hey let's encourage 16 year olds to get knocked up and ruin their fucking lives so they can get their Warholish 15 minutes. That is some messed up exploitative shit and yet I never hear anyone complain about that show unless its because some high school cunt I'm friends with on Facebook thinks one of the girls is ugly or bitchy and has to post about it.
Another thing that just makes me fucking want to hang a cat is when people don't know that a new popular song is just a fucking cover of an old song(s) that deserves the credit but won't because Kid Rock is more popular today than Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon. Kid Rock didn't write anything on that horrendous "All Summer Long" song besides the shitty lyrics, which are basically about him singing "Sweet Home Alabama" anyways. Other covers that no one seems to fucking know about because people suck in general:
Hurt by Johnny Cash-Actually by Nine Inch Nails (more specifiacally Trent Reznor) 8 years prior. The cover is pretty good though so it's not as bad when people don't know this one.

American Woman by Lenny Kravitz-Originally by the Guess Who. Not the Who you dumb fuck, the Guess Who. Lenny Kravitz is a fuck head and represents everything I disliked about the 90s, most notably black/jewish people.

Drift Away by Uncle Kracker-Originally by Doby Gray in like '74 or some shit. Uncle Kracker is just a shit stain on the underwear of music. That song "Smile" reminds me of a girl who didn't put out, so that sucks too.

Love Song by 311-Originally by the Cure. I knew this girl who liked 311, I touched her boob once, but that's not the point. The point is that 311 should not be allowed to continue making music because they are shit.

Home Sweet Home by Carrie Underwood-Motley Fucking Crue...I hope no one actually thinks Carrie Slutderwood actually wrote that song because then I'd have to literally murder them. What the fuck was she thinking anyways? Honestly?

The First Cut Is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow-Originally by Cat Stevens. If you don't know who Cat Stevens is, you don't deserve to have an opinion on music. Fact. Plus, Sheryl Crow is hot but she got dumped by a dude with one testicle so she must have a crappy personality or cross-eyed nips or something weird going on.

Lastly, people who think a healthy relationship means making your significant other a part of EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING YOU DO. I get it, you guys are in love and life is a fucking fairytale, yeah good for you. But, I don't need to see 10 fucking facebook posts a day about how you "miss your snuggle buddy!" or that you "haven't seen my babyhoneycakes in 2 days so sadddd :(((((" or the "where were you? What did you do last night? Huh huh huh?" fucking quadruple texts to the other person because that's not how you cultivate a healthy working relationship between two equals. That's more of a host/parasite thing, and historically that hasn't worked out well for one or both of you.

#87: More Stupid Fucking Sayings That Are Stupid

2011-02-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

Life is too short-Is it though? How many things are you going to do that will last longer than the course of your life? Oh that's right fucking nothing. People say this to me when I don't feel like doing something retarded, like "come on dude just shit on this guy's lawn with us. Life is too short." Well actually, IT'S REALLY NOT THAT FUCKING SHORT AND I FAIL TO SEE HOW TAKING A DUMP ON SOME FUCK HEAD'S GRASS IS GONNA MAKE IT GO BY ANY SLOWER

Don't bite off more than you can chew-Is this even fucking possible? You can't take a bite of something WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH and then have said bite be more than you can chew WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH. Its simple fucking math people. If you can't chew it, its not gonna fit into your mouth in the first place (insert dick joke here).

Have your cake and eat it too-Okay, thanks? Does anyone ever come into possession of a cake without intending to also eat it? No one fucking goes around buying cakes to put on the wall for their cake collection.

Lastly, there are two sayings that I suppose make sense on their own, but so many whores use them that I noticed they DON'T FUCKING MAKE ANY SENSE TOGETHER. If one of these is true then the other one can't be just by process of logic.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder-This is what dumb cunts say when they have to be away from their precious boyfriend/husband that they cannot function for more than a day without, or when they have just watched the Notebook and are feeling philosophical. And by philosophical I mean they looked up myspace quotes online.

Out of sight, out of mind-This is what dumb cunts say when they have just recently become single and they want to forget about their boyfriend/husband. If they can't see them, then obviously that means they are totally over him and are ready to mingle (aka get plowed after drinking with a guy named Frank at a shitty bar and then cry on the taxi ride home in the morning)...

LOL one of these sayings has got to go. Either someone is gone and you don't miss them or they're gone and you miss them more. Seriously. It's fucking ridiculous. The shit people will say to make themselves feel better. Just stop and think about what you are saying before you say it and then (not a guarantee for you females out there) you won't sound like a dumb fuck.