Shmitten Kitten

Pics and Vids: Modern Romance

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:21:00 +0000

As Metallica would say, "Sad but true."

Image via

How I Feel About Weird Flip Flop-Footed Men Who Attempt To Pop A Wheelie On Their Bike In The Middle Of A Busy Intersection

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 21:15:00 +0000

Abby Lee knows what I'm talking about

I'm in California for two weeks and this is my first California-inspired Shmitten Kitten post. Let me tell you, this place has more skinny, disheveled guys than a Spike Jonze-impersonator convention.

My Reaction To Valentine's Day This Year

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 03:36:00 +0000

EXCLUSIVE: WILDSTYLE Boyz Release A Brain-Melting Mix For Your Downloading Pleasure

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 23:16:00 +0000

I am pleased to present you with a new mix from the boys of W I L D S T Y L E who are throwing their first birthday party, Wildstyle Turns 'Won', this Friday, Feb. 10th at the Barbary. According to former "Flip Our Shades" alum Brain Dwyer, they're, "building all kinds of insane props and set pieces to transform the entire space. It'll be like stepping inside Bart Simpson's melting brain with insane slowed-down Internet videos projected onto a gigantic melting Bart face to match. Something to see for sure!"

What is Wildstyle? Check out this video they made for the occasion:

In honor of their party, the boys released this track called "Wildstyle Turns Fun." Brain said it's best to let this mix, "permeate your brain while enjoying a glass of wine or preferably a pot brownie." Okey doke. Check it:

He also says, "unless [you] were raised by wolves under a rock inside a barn between 1975 - 1995, [you] should be able to guess just about every track on here. If [you] want a cheat sheet, however, the tracks are as follows.

Black Box - Everybody Everybody
Snap - The Power
2 Live Crew - Me So Horny
Tone Loc - Wild Thing
Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby

You can download the track here. There you have it. Go! Party! Dance! Drink! Get there early to chomp on free Rustica pizza from 9pm - 10pm! Enjoy!

Story Time: If You Had Your Druthers, Which Of Your Qualities Would You Make Super Attractive To The Opposite Sex?

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:18:00 +0000

I'm not gonna hold my breath or anything, but if it were up to me and I was able to create an alternate reality, I'd make the following traits of mine irresistible:

The ability to form irrational opinions about reality show contestants

The inability to walk in high heels

The impressive ability to re-watch the same episodes of Sherlock at the drop of a hat

The ability to pose questions about the intricacies of the universe while we're shopping at Target

The ability to totally forget people's names even though I know I've already met them several times

The ability to straight up weep during any show where family members are reunited (see The Locator, old episodes of Oprah, etc.)

The ability to wear full-coverage underwear

The ability to not give a fuck about how my fingernails look

Which of your qualities would you make irresistible to the opposite sex? Tell me in the comments!

I Love Love Love When He Tucks His Hat Into His Back Pocket

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:52:00 +0000

This is hilarious because I'm normally not even super enthusiastic about guys' butts! Sure, I'm happy they exist but they're not on my radar or anything. It's not the first body part of his I'd ogle. I'm not even sure if it'd be in the top 5 of his body parts I'd ogle. I'm more into his face, hair, eyes, smile, and hands. That's just off the top of my head. Butts don't even make the cut.

However, let me tell you, that slouchy cap tucked into his back pocket is making me notice something I wouldn't have noticed before. It's like his version of a padded bra. I can't help staring. I'm transfixed! He's leaning over the bar trying to flag the bartender down and I'm licking my lips like when Newman hallucinated that Kramer was a roasted chicken.

And, the best part is that he's totally unaware that I'm checking him out. Unless he has eyes in the back of his head or something, I'm free subject to him to my lustful gaze. You hear that? That's the sound of me contorting my body to pat myself on the back for finding one more way to be creepy on the sly.

Contest Alert: Win A Limited-Edition Shmitten Kitten Cookie Set From Whipped Bakeshop!

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:39:00 +0000

If you're looking for the perfect Valentine's Day present look no further than this adorable limited-edition Shmitten Kitten cookie set my friends at Whipped Bakeshop made for us. Check these babies out:

Here's an excerpt from the from the listing on the Whipped Bakeshop Etsy site:

Remember when you made your first mix tape for that special crush? You spent hours picking just the right songs, in just the right order. Now you can take all of the mushy emotions that you'd put into a mix tape and convey them in cookie form. Who wouldn't want to eat a mix tape? Only a jerk.

VERY IMPORTANT: Tell us what you want us to write on your mix tape cookies! We can fit up to 15 characters, including spaces, on each cookie. You can use the notes section on the order form. This set includes four vanilla handmade mix tape cookies (about the same dimensions as actual mix tapes) and two Shmitten Kitten logo cookies. The cookies are wrapped individually with ribbons.

*Background colors on tapes may vary from photo; please let us choose (we promise to make them rad). Cookies are made with vanilla shortbread and iced with almond royal icing. All of our creations are baked fresh to order. Cookies are shipped via Priority Mail, and are best eaten within 10 days of receipt. All Valentine orders will be shipped to arrive between February 10th and 14th. ORDER by FEBRUARY 8th in order to receive cookies by 2/14.

ALLERGY ALERT: *icing contains pure almond extract*

To celebrate, we are giving not one but TWO lucky winners their own personalized Shmitten Kitten cookie set. Interested in snagging one?

Enter here for your chance at your own personal cookie heaven

The contest ends on Sunday, Feb. 5th at noon. And, if you want a set RIGHT NOW, order it here. Good luck to everyone who enters! This is hands-down the yummiest contest we've ever had.

Wanna See Me Answering Your Dating Questions While I'm Drunk? NOW YOU CAN!

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 23:40:00 +0000

Good news! I'm now accepting submissions for a new video segment where I give readers dating advice when I'm drunk. Have a dating problem you'd like me to slur an answer to? Are you in a dating conundrum and want my take on it while I'm the opposite of sober? Email it to me at hi@shmittenkitten.com. I will give you my honest opinion about anything you wanna hear. I'm serious. Girl Scout's honor.

This is gonna be fun.

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Walk Several Feet Ahead Of Me While We're Walking Somewhere Together

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 21:23:00 +0000

I can't even deal with this

What is this fuckery? Guys, why do you do this? Of all the Bonerkillers I've ever written about, guys who refuse to walk with me while we're walking somewhere together would be at the top of the list as one of the worst offenses he could do. It is not only rude, but it's belittling and disrespectful. I'm getting angry just thinking about it.

An old boyfriend did this to me constantly. He refused to walk with me anywhere we went. Say we pulled up to a restaurant; he'd get out of his car and bolt to the front door, ignoring my pleas to wait for me so we could walk together. Or, we'd go to the mall and he'd freakin' powerwalk ten feet ahead of me. I hated it. We'd get in fights about it regularly. Have you ever gotten in a fight about walking with someone? It's seriously the dumbest fight of all time. "OF ALL TIME! -Kanye West."

A guy did this to me recently and I pretty much lost my mind. I slowed down a bit to see if he'd notice that I wasn't keeping up with his pace and he didn't. I watched him zip up the street, leaving me behind. He didn't even care that I wasn't keeping up. You know what I did next? I stopped, turned around and walked away. Fuck it. If he can't be bothered to walk with me like a respectful human being then I can't be bothered to follow his crazy ass. He can motor on up the street and find some other girl 'cause I'm not 17 anymore and I'm not putting up with this shit.

It's Almost Time For A New Mix To Go Out To The Shmitten Kitten Mix Of The Month Club!

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 23:47:00 +0000

It's almost February 1st, which means it's almost time for a new mix to go out to the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club members. I have about 1,500 people signed up so far which would probably make a good-sized flash mob if we were into that sort of thing.

Is there anything you wanna hear on this month's mix? TOO BAD BECAUSE I DON'T TAKE REQUESTS! I rule over these mixes with an iron fist. Well, my fist isn't all iron. Truthfully, it's a mix of tacos, Jameson shots that I should've declined and a few tears from when I cried during Teen Mom 2 the other week. Don't judge me; I just want Leah's baby to be okay.

Basically the deal is that I send out an exclusive mix to the Club every month. I put whatever songs I'm digging on it from Brit-pop to Motown to Indie Rock and anything in between. I take this club seriously and try my best to put something special together that I think you will love. Not like, LOVE.
So join the Mix of the Month Club already! I mean, look at our logo: how can this club not be fun?

So much free music; so much free fun. Sign up right now and get in on this. DO IT!

Are You Ready To Ask Me Out: A Flowchart

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 03:00:00 +0000

Pics and Vids: The Man Has A Point

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 00:12:00 +0000

via Pleated Jeans

Behold My New Site, Party Academy!

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 20:51:00 +0000

I'm super excited to introduce you guys to my new site, Party Academy.

It's basically like if Shmitten Kitten and MTV mated and had an awesome baby then tossed it on the Internet. Here I am explaining the idea behind it:

In case you were too lazy to watch the video, here's the deal: Party Academy is a one-stop shop for whatever mood you're in. Put your iPods away because I've got--count 'em--FIVE party playlists to choose from: '60s rock 'n' roll, '70s funk soul, '80s/'90s R&B, a Cock Rock party, and last but not least, the Wildcard party which is whatever I feel like watching. Just pick a party, push play, set it on fullscreen mode and you're off. I'll constantly tweak the playlists as I think of new songs to add. And, feel free to drop a line if you have any song requests or a party playlist to suggest as well.

While you're on the Internet, be sure to check out both my tumblr site, Shlooby Kitten, and my personal site, AnnaGoldfarb.com. Whew! Ok. Have a great weekend!

Story Time: Which Celebrities Do Your Exes Look Like (If You Squint Your Eyes In A Dark Room)?

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 21:22:00 +0000

I'm immobilized on my couch in the middle of a gripping five-hour FriendZone marathon and an ad popped up on screen featuring Tom Arnold. Are you still with me here? Ok. Well, it occurred to me that Tom Arnold sorta looks like my ex which made me make the face on the right. Picture Tom Arnold in a black hoodie chomping on a slice of pizza while complaining about the Phillies and BAM! that's basically my (ex-)man. So then I thought about other dudes I've dated who've all looked like busted versions of famous people. Like, if we ever had a Lifetime movie dramatizing our relationship, I'd already know who could step in to play his role. (Naturally, my part would be played by Zooey Deschanel but she'd have to be CGI-ed to appear a foot taller and about six sizes bigger.) Thinking back, my exes have all sorta looked like:

Jason Schwartzman
Ryan Gosling
David Spade
Jeremy Renner
Fred Savage
Jarvis Cocker
Harry Potter
Michael J. Fox
Kirk Cameron
Colin Farrell
Al Capone from Boardwalk Empire
Milhouse from The Simpsons
Rick Moranis

So, I wanna know, what celebrity doppelgangers have you dated? Tell me in the comments!

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Wrap Their Clothing Around Their Waist When They're Dancing

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 04:45:00 +0000

He probably thinks that it's convenient way to store his crewneck but he's wrong. At least make an effort to stash it somewhere secure like behind a speaker because I would rather he toss the garment into the mouth of a live lion than twist it around his waist while we're dancing together. I don't know if he's trying out for Disgruntled Beat Poet #4 in the Singles movie sequel or what but just knowing that there's fabric flapping around his backside like an open hatch on Santa's pajamas is making me look around the place for someone else to talk to. How am I supposed to sustain eye contact with him when it looks like he's getting a hug from a clingy third grader the entire night? I can't!

Even Brody knows it's grody

You know who can pull off this look? Gaunt waifs: end of list. You can sling your shirt around your hips if and only if your first name is either Ashley or Mary Kate and your last name is Olsen. You have to be drinking a venti-sized cup of some bullshit, have a purse roughly half the size of your body, and be in a hurry to buy cigarettes/ gas for your car/ a bottle of Smartwater. That's it.

See? You gotta be doing a walk of shame between two mansions, not trying to grind on my leg to a Missy Elliot song. It's not hot so knock it off!

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Can't Be Bothered To Ask Follow-Up Questions

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:16:00 +0000

Would one measly follow-up question kill him?

"How was your day?"
"Crummy." I pushed the spaghetti around my plate with my fork.
"I had a pretty good day, actually. My boss said he liked the changes I made so that was pretty cool."

That's it? No follow-up questions? No, "Why? What happened?" or, "How come?" I'd settle for a, "Yikes!" or a "Sheesh." Any acknowledgment would be grand. At this point, I'd pay him $5 to knit his eyebrows, rest his finger on his lips and murmur, "Hmmm." At least then it would give the appearance of processing the information I said. That's already a vast improvement. But no, he plowed past my response like I was trying to sell him life insurance from a kiosk at the dirt mall. Grrrrrrr.

Listen, my answer is not the Charlize Theron storyline in the third season of Arrested Development (i.e. something that should be ignored); my answer is a treasure trove of information that he should at least pretend to want to hear. I'd let it slide if this were an isolated incident, but he does it all the time.

"Wanna grab tacos from Los Panchos?"
"No way. I can't eat their tacos after what happened last time I ate there," I said.
"Well, where else do you wanna go?"

Or:

"What'd you do today?"
"I've been working on a new project." I said. "I'm excited about it."
"Cool. Any interest in seeing the new Mission Impossible movie? I heard it's good. Could be fun."

See what I mean? It's a chronic thing! He's follow-up question-free and it's driving me crazy! They say, "curiosity killed the cat," but they should also say, "lack of curiosity bored the cat to death: ask a follow-up question and at least pretend to give a shit about what this woman is saying." It's a little long, but it's true.

How It Feels When He Won't Even TRY To Give My Favorite TV Shows A Chance

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 19:39:00 +0000

Big Ang feels my pain.

Pics and Vids: "How Much Mousse Do You Use A Week?"

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 21:12:00 +0000

I couldn't resist posting this vintage clip from the show Love Connection because it's SO INSANE and definitely hostile! It's a little long--it clocks in at over 10 minutes--but it's worth it to hang in there because shit gets out of hand once they talk about their date. The fella is a rude, proto-Jersey Shore tanorexic and the woman has no idea what the word "fetish" means. Like, at all.

If it makes you feel better, dating seems just as annoying in the '80s. So, yay?

Pics and Vids: Yes, ANOTHER Shit Someone Says Video But Trust Me, This One Is Funny

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 23:33:00 +0000

I debated posting this because the whole "shit anyone says" trend seems to be more over than Charlie Sheen's career (although I feel like his phrase "Winning!" is poised for a comeback), but this clip is actually funny. It's about shit single girls say and I'll admit that it's pretty on-point. Watch:

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Toothbrush Holder Filled With Gross, Old Toothbrushes

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 22:43:00 +0000

Take a look at this motley crue of blown out toothbrushes. Why does one man have so many gross, old toothbrushes in one place? They're more jampacked than the front row of a free Justin Bieber concert. Give these fuckers a little room to breathe, guy.

They're all huddled together like they need each other's body warmth to survive. Maybe they're re-enacting scenes from the movie Alive? It looks like it. They're all crammed into the crusty metal toothbrush holder like it's a holding pen in a Carson City prison and they're more haggard than Russell Brand after a long nap. It ain't right!

And another thing, how on earth did they get SO blown out? Is he brushing the mud off his work boots with them? Does he tenderize meat with them? Don't tell me that his teeth made the bristles splay out like my babysitter's bangs because, I swear to god, his toothbrush holder looks like an '80s MTV VJ convention held in a telephone booth. I didn't even know that toothbrushes could curl like that. They practically have mermaid hair.

The moral of the story: No ones needs--let me count 'em--TEN gross toothbrushes in one container. Trim the fat. Toss these fuckers out.

Pics and Vids: Holy Shit, This Is The Most Awkward Thing I've Ever Seen!

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 07:13:00 +0000

Well, this is the most horrible/ awesome/ terrifying/ uncomfortable thing I've ever watched. Holy moly! Next time you think that YOUR date's been bad, just push play on this bad boy. I can't imagine anyone having a worse date than this. I'm serious. Bookmark this page if you have to. It's almost performance art. He makes Larry David look like Don Draper. For real, this is total and complete cringe-core from the first second. Just watch!

And, here's the wrap-up segment.

Pics and Vids: How To Get A Hot Date

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 05:41:00 +0000

I see what you did there.

Here's A Shmitten Kitten Mix To Kick Your New Year Into High Gear!

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 23:27:00 +0000

My buddy, Matthew Rose, was kind enough to put together this mix for you guys. He rules. I was like, "Make something upbeat for my readers to listen to while they get ready to go out." And he was all, "You got it, dude." Consider this the soundtrack to your new year. Have a great time tonight! Kiss lots of people! Give lots of hugs!

Click here or on the image to download it.

Track listing:

Love The One You're With - Diana Ross
Miss Broadway - Belle Epoque
Something's Gotta Give (Todd Terje Edit) - Afro Cuban Band
Heartbeat - Taana Gardner
Sunlight (Tiedye Remix) - Bag Raiders
Trying Over - Ago
Nightcruisin' - Bar Kays
She Cant Love You - Chemise
Candy Man - Mary Jane Girls
Wanna Feel - Vivien Vee
Pretty Thing - Chaz Jankel
Midas Touch - Midnight Star
I Want Your Love - Chic

Want more mixes in your life? Sign up for the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month club. It only takes a sec and it's FREE!

It's Almost Time For A New Mix To Go Out To The Shmitten Kitten Mix Of The Month Club!

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:40:00 +0000

It's almost January 1st, (side note: HOW INSANE IS IT THAT IT'S ALMOST JANUARY? So insane, right?) which means it's almost time for a new mix to go out to the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club members. I have over 1,400 people signed up so far which would probably make a good-sized flash mob if we were into that sort of thing.

Basically the deal is that I send out an exclusive mix to the Club every month. I put whatever songs I'm digging on it from Brit-pop to Motown to Indie Rock and anything in between. I take this club seriously and try my best to put something special together that I think you will love. Not like, LOVE.

In fact, if I'm being honest here, I probably take this club more seriously than I should. Do I make a CD of the songs and listen to it in my car for a full week before I send it out to you guys? Yes, I do. Do I hover over my laptop for hours trying to find the perfect songs to maintain the flow? Yes, I do. (Pop quiz, hot shot: what song would you put between Mary J. Blige and the Stone Roses? Time's up! The answer is "Connected" by the Stereo MCs. Boom! Nailed it.) Do I anxiously check my Twitter to hear people's thoughts on the mix once I send it out? Sure, but I check my Twitter all the time anyway so whatever.

Join the Mix of the Month Club already! I mean, look at our logo: how can this club not be fun?

So much free music; so much free fun. Sign up right now and get in on this. DO IT!

My Head Is About To Roll Off My Body From Nodding In Agreement With This Image So Much

noreply@blogger.com (Anna) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:02:00 +0000

Fun fact: no truer thing has ever been said on the Internet.