Yesterday I came across an interesting article in the Vancouver Sun that listed the top 10 marriage killers.  The results came out of highly unscientific study that included academics and counsellors, and men and women who had themselves been through a divorce.

The article is a little long so I am only going to share some of the studies findings in this post.  You can read the whole article here.

Top 10 marriage killers

(from “Hunting the elusive marriage-killer” by Tara Carman and Douglas Todd)

1. In-laws and outlaws.

Interference in the relationship by extended family members was the most frequently occurring theme in our discussions with divorcees on what breaks up marriages.

According to Vancouver-based relationship counsellor John Boland, this is not simply a case of shifting the blame for the demise of the marriage onto someone else’s shoulders.

“It’s huge,” he said. “I think extended families can make it very difficult to stay happily married together.”

For a marriage to work, Boland said, the loyalty has to be to the couplehood and not to the extended family.

“But that’s really hard for a lot of people, especially when mother-in-laws or father-in-laws or other family members are undermining the marital relationship …”

2. Under pressure.

Pressure from family, or society in general, can also influence the decision to tie the knot in the first place — leading some to get married not because they’re in love, but because it was what was expected of them.

Marrying the wrong person out of a sense of expectation or obligation was something all members of our informal focus group identified as a contributing, but not decisive, factor in their breakups.

Boland, however, said this may be something of a red herring.

“There is no magical right person,” Boland said. “There’s always work to do in any relationship, whether you get married at 18 or at 45, there’s always ways of growing and maturing together and working through your issues. Or not …”

3. Failure to grow.

… In Love in the Present Tense, relationship counsellors Morrie and Arleah Shechtman argue that one of the most common marriage killers is the failure of one or both partners to grow as a person. “If your partner doesn’t grow, then he becomes boring to you. If you don’t grow, then you become boring to yourself.”

The Shechtmans emphasize it is essential for couples to share common core values. One of the most important of these, they say, is a mutual commitment to personal growth.

4. Lack of connection.

Constant bickering is one thing that can chip away at the intimacy at the heart of a healthy marriage, Boland said.

“If you’re having a lot of conflict about anything, whether it’s who cleans the bathroom or who takes care of the kids, that might not be the reason why people are saying they’re divorcing, but it kind of undermines the connection, the glue that keeps people together …”

As important as having some common interests is, however, partners should not try to mould the other person to themselves, expecting them to have all the same interests, said Boland. Partners can be quite different and still have a secure and long relationship …

5. Child-centric relationships.

Another common mistake is thinking a child will be the glue that keeps a relationship together.

Boland puts what he calls a “child-centred family” at the top of his list of “ways to mess up.”

Parents allow their own relationship to become secondary, sacrificing marital satisfaction in a misguided attempt to be there for their kids, Boland said. In doing so, they not only shortchange themselves, but also their children.

“You can’t put marriage and intimacy on hold until your kid is 18,” Boland says. “What you want to model for your children is a healthy mom-and-dad connection …”

6. Wandering eyes.

Another common cause of marital strife Boland comes across in his therapy work is “when everybody else starts to look better.”

“It’s not really a fair contest” when a person who intimately knows their partner’s flaws starts fantasizing that another man or woman would be the really perfect partner, said Boland. “I see it all the time.”

7. Avoiding conflict.

Many couples incorrectly assume that if they’re not in conflict, they must be okay, Boland said.

“But avoiding conflict can easily lead to disconnection,” Boland said. “If there’s tension, it’s best to bring it up — to raise what’s bugging you in as kind a way as possible.”

8. The need to be right.

But any relationship will have a much better chance if a couple doesn’t succumb to another marriage destroyer identified by Boland: The need to be right.

It’s not useful during times of tension to see your partner as either a “jerk,” “bitch” or “idiot.” Instead, Boland said, it’s crucial to shift to curiosity, to wondering why an apparently trivial issue has become so huge for your partner.

The key to a good lifelong relationship is to develop a genuine interest in one’s partner, he added.

9. Lack of honesty.

Our informal poll of Vancouverites with first-hand experience turned up a few other potential marriage breakers.

For rodeo announcer MacBeth, it was a lack of honesty that ended his marriage; something from his past that he hadn’t been completely open about with his wife.

“Once everything came out, it was a problem,” he said. “You have to be totally honest no matter what you get into.”

10. Location, location, location.

As a man in his mid-20s desperate to escape the “boring” small-town life he saw his friends falling into, Spragg moved from England with his pregnant wife — a city girl from Manchester — to Port Alice, a logging community on the northern tip of Vancouver Island, in the late ’60s.

His wife was not happy about the move.

“That gave her a lot of stress. It gave me a lot of adventure, which was what I was looking for.”

The marriage lasted 16 years, but it never really recovered from that initial blow.

The physical space where a couple resides — whether that’s the city, the town or even the apartment they live in — can affect the success of the relationship, Spragg said, arguing that this is of particular concern in cities such as Vancouver where high housing prices sometimes result in couples living in cramped conditions.

A one-bedroom apartment or condo is too small for couples to have the space to pursue their own interests, he said.

Having a workshop to putter about in might have gone a long way to relieving some of the tension in his marriage, he said …

Most couples’ problems boil down to a deceptively simple factor.

For one of Canada’s leading couples therapists, Sue Johnson, formerly of the University of B.C. and now head of Ottawa’s Couple and Family Institute, most couples’ problems boil down to a deceptively simple factor.

The loss of that thing called “love.”

In her research into the neurobiology of bonding and attachment, Johnson is among those who have concluded, even in this cynical age, that love, indeed, is the answer.

In her book, Hold Me Tight, Johnson writes: “The demise of marriage begins with a growing absence of responsive, intimate interactions.”

And, more importantly, “lasting passion is entirely possible in love.”

But to flourish, it needs attention, Johnson says. It requires knowing yourself, and your partner.

Do you agree with this list of marriage killers?  What would you add to it?

Related posts:

1. As goes the pastor’s marriage, so goes the church
2. What is Marriage?
3. 3 things I’ve learned after 17 years of marriage

Welcome to Favourite Links Friday!

This is my way of saying “Thank-you” to all my fellow bloggers by sharing some of their wonderful posts that I have read during the week. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

8 of my favourite posts from the past week:

1. FORGIVENESS GIVES LIFE by Mark Lopez
2. 5 Ways to Keep Moving Forward When You Hit a Wall by Bill Blankschaen
3. You Can’t Afford Not To by Justin and Trisha
4. Worry Is Killing Us by Pete Wilson
5. God’s Time by Larry Hehn
6. Is Jesus a Good Deal? by jason
7. Parenting is Wonder-full by Orange Parent
8. A Certain Type of Follower by Ryan Tate

Go and check out these great posts and let them know that I sent you!

Also, make sure you check out Jason’s Light Friday Hit List over at Connecting to Impact for some more great posts!

Now it’s your turn to share some love!

What were some of your favourite posts from the past week? I would love to check them out!

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It is way too easy to blame others or circumstances for our failings or shortcomings. We say things like:

“I wouldn’t have gotten mad if you weren’t so judgmental.”

“I wouldn’t have hurt you if you just had listened to me.”

“I would have done better on my last project if I didn’t have to work with [fill in the blank].”

This is an area that God has been working on me for the past number of years. I have to say that it has not been easy (or fun) but it has been rewarding.

Playing the blame game

For most of my life, I have blamed others and circumstances for how I felt or how I acted.

If I was angry it was because someone or something had caused me to be angry.

If I was stressed out it was because of other people or circumstances.

If I acted inappropriately in a situation it was the other person’s fault.

Taking responsibility for our actions

I am now learning that I have to take responsibility for my actions and my feelings because no one else can.

I choose to get angry.

I choose to get stressed out.

I choose to act inappropriately.

No one or nothing else causes me or forces me to do these things. I can’t blame people or circumstances for my actions and feelings. I am responsible for them!

Looking at life differently

This has taught me to look at life very differently. Instead of immediately blaming others or circumstances for my actions or feelings I am now recognizing my part in the situation.

I have to pause and evaluate why I am choosing to allow this circumstance or this person to influence my actions or feelings. By doing this it forces me to take responsibility.

How about you? Do you find it easy to blame others for your failings and shortcomings? Have you learned to take responsibility for your actions and feelings?

Related posts:

1. Do you play the blame game?
2. Judgment is God’s responsibility, not ours!
3. Quit blaming

Isn’t that incredible when you think about it for a few moments?

Thanksgiving is acknowledging that we don’t deserve anything but God blesses us anyway.

God’s blessings are incredible and we must never take them for granted! We need to be thankful for all that God has blessed us with!

It is good to take time to give thanks and we should do it regularly.

“Great and marvelous are your deeds, Lord God Almighty. Just and true are your ways, King of the ages. Who will not fear you, O Lord, and bring glory to your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship before you, for your righteous acts have been revealed.” Revelation 15:3-4

This is a song of thanksgiving that was sung to God.  There is a lot of treasure to mine in this song.  This song gives us 4 reasons to praise and thank God.

4 reasons to praise and thank God

1. We praise and thank God because His deeds are great and marvelous.

“Great and marvelous are your deeds, Lord God Almighty.”

God’s deeds are indeed great and marvelous.  All we have to do is look around at His beautiful creation to recognize this.

2. We praise and thank God because His ways are true and just.

“Just and true are your ways, King of the ages.”

In a world where we read of corruption every day and not just from the world but from Christians, it is comforting to know that our God is true and just.

3. We praise and thank God because He is worthy of it because He alone is holy.

“Who will not fear you, O Lord, and bring glory to your name? For you alone are holy.”

God alone is holy and pure and through Christ He has made us holy and pure.

4.  We praise and thank God because of His righteous acts.

“All nations will come and worship before you, for your righteous acts have been revealed.”

To me, the greatest “righteous act” of God is salvation! We did not deserve it but God chose to sacrifice His Son in our place so that we could have a relationship with Him.

Take time today and this week to praise and thank God, beginning with these four things!

Related posts:

1. Yet I Will Praise
2. A powerful song of praise
3. Can you praise God in the storm?

This year, Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship will welcome more than 10,000 campers to its 10 camps across Canada. Located from coast to coast, these camps are well-known by the familiar names Circle Square Ranches and Pioneer Camps. At each camp, dedicated and experienced teams of staff and volunteers offer young people an opportunity to develop life-long relationships with Jesus Christ.

2 great summer camps

1. Pioneer Camp

Inter-Varsity’s Pioneer Camps began more than 80 years ago with the establishment of the first camp – Ontario Pioneer in the Muskoka region of Ontario. Other camps followed soon after.

Today there are Pioneer Camps in:

• British Columbia – Pacific Pioneer Camp is located on beautiful Thetis Island.  Activities include: Sailing,canoeing, kayaking, water-skiing/wakeboarding, tubing,water-trampoline, swimming pool,  Mountain. Bike Park, archery, arts & crafts, wide-games, field games, ropes course, frisbee golf course, beach volleyball, soccer,  basketball, snorkeling, beach combing, ecology exploration, cliff jumping,  out-trips/wilderness camping, fishing and more!
• Alberta – Alberta Pioneer Camp invites young people into a place where they learn to be leaders while enjoying exciting and action-packed adventures. Activities include: horseback riding, hiking, archery, orienteering, bouldering, sport climbing, sports, canoeing, swimming, crafts, wide games and more!
• Manitoba – Looking for a summer experience that is unique, challenging, and fun?  Manitoba Pioneer Camp guides individuals into communities in the wilderness: children into adventure, young adults into servant leaders.
• Ontario – Ontario Pioneer Camp is a Christian summer camp located in the heart of the Muskoka area just north Toronto. Pioneer summer camps include programs for kids & youth aged 5-17 as well as teen, out tripping and leadership development programs for youth. Activities include: swimming, pottery, sailing, kayaking, canoeing, boating, hiking, sports and games, ropes course and more!

 2. Circle Square Ranch

Circle Square Ranches were developed 30 years ago by Crossroads Christian Communications. In April 2011, in an act of great Christian generosity, Crossroads transferred ownership of five Circle Square camps to Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship of Canada.

These camps are located in:

• Arden, Ontario – Situated on Big Clear Lake in south-eastern Ontario, this Western Town setting offers all of the ranch-life experience along with exciting lakefront activities.
• Brantford, Ontario – Located on beautiful, rolling countryside (a surprising country oasis just minutes from the city), this camp offers great activities like horseback riding, wall climbing, zip line and archery.
• Austin, Manitoba- A unique, Western Town setting surrounded by covered wagons and overlooking the Assiniboine Valley in Manitoba, with lots of horseback riding and great activities.
• Halkirk, Alberta – This western adventure is located on the edge of a prairie coulee in central Alberta, facilitating amazing trail rides and offering a number of exciting activities for campers.
• Wolf Creek, Saskatchewan -  Set in the vast prairies of Saskatchewan, this camp takes you back to the Old West with extensive trails and natural surroundings that offer a wide variety of activities and great fun.

Two great contests

Pioneer Camps and Circle Square Ranch camps are offering two great contests with some incredible prizes!

Spot Prizes: 4 free camp sessions (valued at $685).

Grand Prize: A trip for two to Punta Cana (valued at $4,000) and 1 camp session for the child of the winner or another child of the winner’s choosing (valued at $685).

To enter click the images below:

Pioneer Camp Contest (full contest details here)

Circle Square Camp Contest (full contest details here)

These are share and win contests which means the more you share the contest the more times you are entered to win!

***** Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post that I am being compensated for.  All opinions are mine.

Related posts:

1. Living the Great Adventure . . .
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3. Pioneer Camp Contest

I grew up in a very legalistic church. In that church, I learned more about God’s justice than His love. I learned to fear God but in not a healthy way.

When I sinned, I would literally live in fear for the rest of the day, wondering how God was going to punish me. If I ended up hurting myself or if something didn’t go the way I had hoped, I just assumed that must have been God punishing me.

I found it very difficult to accept that God valued me in any way.

What a very sad way to live!

What a very poor view of God!

Unfortunately, I carried this view of God with me through my teenage years and into adulthood.

A revelation

Through my time in Memphis 5 years ago, God revealed the lies I had been believing and He assured me of my value and my significance in His eyes and His unconditional love for me.

I realized what I was really saying to God was: You created junk, something of no value or significance.  

What an insult to God!

I needed to be assured and reminded that I was God’s child, I was bought with a price and I was accepted by Him.

I needed to be reminded that I am free forever from condemnation and that I am God’s workmanship.

These feelings of acceptance, value and being loved by God have radically affected my life.

I confess that I still struggle with thoughts of not feeling valued, significant and loved but I know where these thoughts are coming from and I know that they are not true.

An exercise to be reminded of our value to God

Here is a little exercise that I have found helpful to remind me of my value to God.  This is Rembrandt’s painting of the story of the prodigal son.

In the picture you have the older brother who is distant from the father.  He is still in relationship with the father, he is still the father’s son but he is distant. Sadly, that was me for too many years.  Maybe some of you can relate to that as well.

Next you have the prodigal son, he knows he is not worthy of his father’s love and he is even willing to forfeit his rights as a son and become a slave but it doesn’t matter what he thinks of himself because the father would have nothing to do with this – this was his son whom he loved, he valued and whom he found significant.

As a result of this value, significance and love being given to the son, we see him on his knees embracing the father and the father embracing him.  The father knew what his son had done and yet he still valued and loved him as his son.

What a beautiful picture of God’s love for us!

Our value and significance come from God

Our value and significance come not from what we have done or haven’t done or what we believe about ourselves.  Our value and significance come from the fact that God created us and loves us.  He loved us so much that He sent His son to die for us so that we could become one of His children.

We don’t have to be that older son who is distant from the Father.

We don’t have to live feeling like we have no value or significance.

We don’t have to live with a feeling of condemnation.

We need to put ourselves in the Father’s arms and allow Him to embrace us with His love.

We need to accept the value and significance that He gives us as His children.

This is powerful when we allow ourselves to do it. This is what God wants us to do!

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1a

Related posts:

1. Sermon Synopsis 5/25 – I am free forever from condemnation
2. How do we live out the gospel together?
3. The most courageous way to live

Welcome to Favourite Links Friday!

This is my way of saying “Thank-you” to all my fellow bloggers by sharing some of their wonderful posts that I have read during the week. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

6 of my favourite posts from the past week:

1. Are Cell Phones Bad For Parenting? by Pete Wilson
2. Complete, Passionate, Earnest Trust: Faith by Dusty Rayburn
3. The Fine Line Between Working Hard and Letting Go by Michael Hyatt
4. God of First and Last Resorts by jason
5. Changing The Oil by Scott
6. Jesus is NOT predictable by Ryan Tate

Go and check out these great posts and let them know that I sent you!

Also, make sure you check out Jason’s Light Friday Hit List over at Connecting to Impact for some more great posts!

Now it’s your turn to share some love!

What were some of your favourite posts from the past week? I would love to check them out!

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The first man said, “That was a tough climb.”

The second man said, “It certainly was. And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down that hill backwards.”

A lot of times this is the way we live our spiritual lives.  We have things in our lives that our holding us back from moving forward in our relationship with God.

Throw off everything that hinders your spiritual progress

It could be a person or persons.

It could be a bad habit.

It could be a bad job.

It could be something secular that hinders the sacred part of our lives.

Now the hindrances themselves are not necessarily the bad things. However, they will keep us from the best things.

The runner in training will use weights. Weights build strength, but hinder progress in the race itself.

A baseball player will practice swing with a weight on his bat, but when it comes time to bat, the weight is laid aside.

We need to be able to discern the difference between what really is needed and what is not.

In Jules Verne’s novel The Mysterious Island, he tells of five men who escape a Civil War prison camp by hijacking a hot air balloon.

As they rise into the air, they realize the wind is carrying them over the ocean. Watching their homeland disappear on the horizon, they wonder how much longer the balloon can stay aloft.

As the hours pass and the surface of the ocean draws closer, the men decide they must cast overboard some of the weight, for they had no way to heat the air in the balloon.

Shoes, overcoats, and weapons are reluctantly discarded, and the uncomfortable aviators feel their balloon rise.

But only temporarily.

Soon they find themselves dangerously close to the waves again, so they toss their food.  Better to be high and hungry than drown on a full belly!

Unfortunately, this, too, is only a temporary solution, and the craft again threatens to lower the men into the sea.

One man has an idea: they can tie the ropes that hold the passenger car and sit on those ropes. Then they can cut away the basket beneath them.

As they sever the very thing they had been standing on, it drops into the ocean, and the balloon rises. Not a minute too soon, they spot land.

Eager to stand on terra firma again, the five jump into the water and swim to the island.

They live, spared because they were able to discern the difference between what really was needed and what was not.

The “necessities” they once thought they couldn’t live without were the very hindrances/weights that almost cost them their lives.

Letting go of what hinders us will enable us to give God our undivided attention.

We must throw off everything that hinders us if we want to continue to move forward in our walk with God.  If we don’t we are in danger of engaging in many good things but missing the best things.  We can quickly be diverted and drawn away from the blessings God desires for us!

What do you need to let go of right now that is hindering your spiritual progress?

Related posts:

1. Regaining my spiritual passion
2. We Throw It Away and God Still Loves Us
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God created us to be in relationship and in community with others.  He never intended that we do life alone.  He created us to be interdependent with one another.

Partnering is God’s idea!

I have experienced the blessing of partnering many many times in my life.

Right now, the church that I get the privilege of being the pastor of is experiencing the incredible blessing of partnering as we  build a new facility for us to use to fulfill our mission and vision for our community.

It has been awesome so far and I have learned so much about the blessing of partnering!

2 blessings of partnering

1. Partnering provides support and encouragement.

We are building our new facility completely with volunteer labour.  As a small church we could never do this building project on our own.  It would be impossible!  We need the help and support of others.

We have been richly blessed with some many volunteers from our community, our church and from outside of our community.

2. Partnering allows for the pooling of our resources.

Not only have people been donating their time to help with our building project they have also been giving of their resources as well.

We have had equipment and supplies donated.  Also, we have been incredibly blessed by many generous donations from other churches and individuals.

A lot of work still to be done

We still have a lot of work to do in order to complete our building project but we have been incredibly blessed so far.

I am sure that I am going to learn a lot more about the blessings of partnering as we continue on in this project!

How have you experienced the blessings of partnering?

**** If you would like to partner with us on our building project please send me an e-mail and I would love to chat with you!

Related posts:

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3. Write your hurts in the sand, carve your blessings in stone!

What is mind reading?  Mind reading is simply making an assumption about someone who has hurt or disappointed us without confirming it.

When we do this we believe a lie about this person in our heads.

This assumption is a misrepresentation of reality because we have not checked it out with the other person. It is very possible that we are believing something untrue.

It is also likely that we will pass our false assumptions around to others.

Acting on assumptions, without checking them out, is a common source of confusion and conflict in relationships.  Often we are unaware of the havoc it creates in marriages, schools, families and workplaces.

How to stop mind reading

In order to stop mind reading we must clarify what the other person is thinking rather than assuming that you know.

Here are some important steps that we can implement:

1. Reflect on something you suspect the other person thinks or feels but they haven’t told you.

Example: “I think that Joe is mad at me because he was short with me the last time we talked.”

2. Ask: “Do I have your permission to read your mind? or “Can I check out an assumption with you?”

Example: “Joe, may I check out an assumption with you? ”

3. When permission is granted, ask: 

“I noticed that you were very short with me that last time we talked.   That’s unusual for you, so I’m wondering if you are upset with me?  Is that true?”

or

“I think that you think . . . [fill in the blank]. Is that true?”

4. Give the other person an opportunity to respond.

Example: “No, I am not upset with you.  My wife’s father was rushed to the hospital a few days ago so we have been spending all our free time with him there.  I haven’t had the opportunity to respond to any of my phone messages yet.”

Are you guilty of mind reading? What do you do when you realize this?

***** We learned this skill at the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Conference that was led by Pete and Geri Scazzero.

Related posts:

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2. Stop trying to read your spouse’s mind!
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