Shop@MustardSeed

Tickets for the Olympics: Now Available from the Mustard Seed

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Fri, 11 May 2012 17:11:00 +0000

"Excuse me - are you a Pole Vaulter" ?
"No - I am a German - but how did you know my name vos Wolter? "

This is just one typical exchange now overheard in the Mustard Seed - ever since we've been selling tickets to all the extra special Olympic events. (These are the events that get slotted in at the last minute - to give Team-GB a shot at a medal).

As you can see, the new Mustard Seed logo now incorporates five interlocking rings, very appropriately representing the World's five interdependent continents. Yes - helping the underdog is what it's all about - whether that's Team-GB or third world farmers.

Last week, the all new dedicated training facilities in the courtyard behind the Mustard Seed were fully tested by Eddie the Eagle (couldn't keep his hands off the new CRISP'N'CHEWY caramel bars), and next week we're flooding the whole courtyard for Eric the Eel. We've got in extra stock of the new CHOC'N'TOFFEE bars: apparently he's addicted to them (By the way - can anyone offer him board & lodging for the next three months? ) .

Tickets still available at the Mustard Seed include:

and the

as well as the

John Cleese has been roped in as specialist coach.

Anyway - if YOU believe in helping the underdog, then the Mustard Seed is the place to come.

P.S. Here's another one of those overheard snippets between two celebrity athletes who happened to be mooching around in the Mustard Seed yesterday:

"What's the shortest race in the Olympics?"
"The Chinese I think" .

Well, what do you think?

May the 4th be with You

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Fri, 04 May 2012 14:18:00 +0000

Yes - May the 4th is indeed Star Wars Day - and we have a good reason to celebrate this at the Mustard Seed.

Because - would you believe it - George Lucas actually got his inspiration for the Star Wars films when he walked past the Mustard Seed - or so it is said.

You may remember the day.

(It was May the 4th).

The unbelievably rare mu-star had just been discovered a couple of light minutes beyond Pluto, and the Sun headline that day read:

MU-STAR SEED

Hey - let's not get hung up about the spelling issues - we know what they meant.

Exciting stuff.

Anyway - this must have been on George's mind when he looked in the window and saw:

and

He thought to himself: "Wow! Those light sabers are fantastic.... You could save the world with those..... " .

George - you're absolutely right.

Hey - I Moushtache you a Queshtion....

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 13:07:00 +0000

Shorn whatshishname (well - unshorn actually) came into the Mustard Seed on Thursday.

"Fantashtic - Finally, a shpecialisht moushtache shop! Are you the shop ashishtant? I'm shearching for a shpoon that shtops me shlurping. I'm shick of shucking shoup through a shtraw" .

WHAT??!

Blank incomprehension on part of aforesaid Shop Assistant. Bottom jaw hits floor.

"Thatsh what I call a shtunned shilensh" - Shorn added helpfully. " You are a shpecialisht moushtache shop aren't you? The shine outshide the shop sheysh sho" .

And sure enough - when they both went outside - there it was. For all the moustachioed men (and women) of the world to see.

Vandals.

"Aye - a shame the party shop up Coxshwell Shtreet shut. Shimone had lotsha tash shtuff. Sho itsh shplendid to shee you ashimilating the shlack and shticking the tash shtock on the shelvesh. MUSHTASHED. Like it. Shuper shine for a shop. "

Then came the Eureka moment. Aforesaid Shop Assistant saw and seized her opportunity.

"Yes absolutely, Shorn" she said, ushering him back inside. "We've got a special soup slurper that'll keep your tash tip-top".

Well - to cut a long story short, Shorn ended up very happy with his:

Then came

....looking for curling tongs. He went away with

And the man-eating spider fattening up the OAP

took the delicious

Not sure why.

The squeezy

was perfect for sticking this back on

and

was prone to bumping into things, but gratefully settled on the

"I have to feed my Hairy Flavour Savour" - he said conspiratorially.

This young lady (you wouldn't think it would you?) unfortunately wasn't able to negotiate the shop entrance door

but still bought two bottles of the special moustache oil:

By now, Shorn was also helping with all the connery, and had even taken a shine to the aforesaid Shop Assistant.

"What'sh your name shweetie?" he said.

"It's Shandy Shaunders" she replied.

"You're taking the pish - you mean Sandy Saunders surely? "

Your belly button - an Innie or an Outie?

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 19:17:00 +0000

Innie or Outie? There were undoubtedly many such naval questions being asked on the Titanic exactly 100 years ago, as the waist band played on. Apparently, most of the 36,000 oranges on board had Outies.

But we digress surely. The sinking had nothing to do with the Mustard Seed - or did it?

Well - it did in a way. You see - the iceberg that reared up out of the glassy black sea seemed to come from nowhere, because those naval gazers could see no breaking waves.

If only there had been a Fair Trade Wind then the sea would have been more choppy. Or in the context of the Mustard Seed - should that read shoppy?

Anyway - it's clear that the Fair Trade bit makes waves & therefore saves lives.

Of course - if Titanic hadn't been built in Belfast then we could easily have built it in Faringdon.

The photo shows the propellers being assembled in the Cornmarket.

The prow would then be sticking through to the tennis club, which is handy because they are good at painting lines. So we could ask them to do the name.

TITAN ICE . That's what it was originally called (unfortunate choice of name if you ask me) , but they ran out of white paint in Belfast and had to drop the E . The tennis club has plenty of white paint.

And it would cost less too - because we wouldn't bother with that fake fourth funnel - which was a complete accident by the way.

It was the Chief Designer who happened to overhear a conversation between the Chairman & his wife Helen.

Ah - there's another link with the Mustard Seed. You see - you probably know her better as Helen of Troy - but her full name was actually Helen of Troydcraft - well known as the face that launched a thousand Troydcraft shops .

Anyway - back to that overheard conversation.

Helen: Darling - what are you putting up on the top deck?

Chairman: It's going to be just for fun Helen - for the first class .

And the Chief Designer scurried off to modify his plans - having clearly heard It's going to be just four funnellen ... (he had a German great aunt who also spoke like this) .

Then there's the 3200 eiderdowns that need stuffing. Faringdon's Innies (Outies are less productive in this respect) would be drafted in to produce the necessary naval fluff. Softer than mohair.

And for that maiden voyage, the Mustard Seed could also have supplied (we've got a bit of shelving round the back) the Tea (0.8 tonnes); Coffee (2.2 tonnes) ; Marmalade (1.1 tonnes) ; Sugar (10 tonnes) ; Rice (10 tonnes) ; Chocolate; Cocoa; Biscuits...

In the photo you can see how all those Fairtrade provisions could be delivered sustainably. None of that naughty coal stuff.

Sorry - that should have read nautical stuff.

Yes. The Mustard Seed. Truly the Shop of Dreams....

P.S. What d'you reckon? Innie or Outie?

Mustard Seed Tackles Helmet Hair

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 06:08:00 +0000

Did you know that, on average, motorists give cyclists with long fair hair 15.5 inches more room when they cut past them?

So - are motorists giving blondes a wider berth because they think they're rubbish cyclists?

Whatever the reason, the Mustard Seed will shortly be broadening out its Fair-Trade offerings with a range of Fair-Hair products that tackle this safety issue head on - so to speak.

The wide boy on the right is sure to be given a wide berth as he tests out our new safety helmet.

Its not a new idea. As you can see, the fair-haired Viking cyclist on the left can even lock horns with other road users if they get too close.

But that's not all. Helmets also cause Helmet Hair :- that "wild coiffure" look that bedevils helmet wearers when they take their headgear off.

I mean - do you really want to look like this?

Luckily, the solution is quite simple.

Shave your head.

But - hang on! People actually LIKE having hair. Fair or otherwise.

For that reason, the Mustard Seed Helmets will have HAIR incorporated into their structure. Which means that as long as you keep your helmet on, then no one needs to know that you're a slaphead.

Here's a selection from the new catalogue:

And a few being modelled :

Finally, there IS also another solution to Helmet Hair, and one that is also available from the Mustard Seed. The gentleman below is demonstrating how you can use the contents of a couple of boxes of exotic-fruit geo-muesli wrapped in cloth to keep your hair beautifully in place under your helmet:

Not too sure what to do about his Helmet beard though.

What's a Hindu at Easter ? ...

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 14:15:00 +0000

Egg: Is this the start of a bad yoke?

Chicken: No seriously, who DID come first?

Egg: Maybe the answer is in one of those Mustard Seed books. They're all about Life, the Universe & Everything - kind of thing - aren't they?

Chicken: Yep - some of them - and there's certainly some weally good whiters in there.

Egg: Are they all religious books?

Chicken: Oh NOOooo! The Mustard Seed has books on all KINDS of subjects!

Here's Driving Lessons for oldies:

And the must-have reference book on railway stations....

How about this book on First Aid (as recommended by my mate Humpty)? ....

And here's the sequel to "Brief History of Time" .

Chicken: But - that still doesn't answer the question: who DID come first: you or me?

Egg: You crack me up. Your mum & dad never told you about the Deli then?

P.S. Good news. We were very worried about the new hot food tax, but we've just heard back from George Osborne that we DON'T have to add VAT on the hot chutney.

(or on hot cross buns apparently).

P.P.S. Sorry - forgot to complete the title of the email :
...Lays eggs.

Take Action NOW: Stop Cruelty to Chocolate Chickens

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 18:51:00 +0000

Instead of those barmy Brussels bureaucrats being busy banning bent bananas, they should be chickin' out the far from paltry problem with the production of our favourite Easter treat: the chocolate egg.

It's a fowl business all right.

We're talking about Force fed chocolate chickens squeezed into cages no bigger than the queen's handbag, their crops stuffed with sugar and cocoa that isn't even fair-trade.

Not fair trade? You mean - the sugar & cocoa farmers (chocolate-coloured rather than made of chocolate) are paid as little as possible for their crops?

Yes.

And all because we want eggs that go cheap (eggs that go chirp are different; they're the fertilized ones) .

So -- both crops need our urgent action; the chocolate chicken crops and the farmers' crops. And we can't leave it to those po-faced pen-pushers in Brussels - it's up to us.

Luckily, the solution is simple.

Buy your Easter eggs from the Mustard Seed.

Here's a photo. This is how we treat our chocolate chickens. No force feeding, good pension plans, the lot. They do the pushing, not us.

They're fed only the very best FAIRTRADE sugar and cocoa, which means that those chocolate-coloured farmers also get a fair deal .

And it means that the lovingly produced wonderful eggs from these happy chickens are just deliciously ambrosial - with those heady deep chocolatey aromas that you only associate with the very best Belgian chocolatiers (yes - Brussels is good for something then) .

That's not all. Quoting from the Real Easter Egg packaging: This is a milk chocolate egg that celebrates the real meaning of Easter. For every egg you buy, 15p is donated to Traidcraft Exchange to help small-scale farmers and producers in the developing world gain the knowledge and experience to trade their way out of poverty.

But - because we don't use artificial lights to fool the chickens into thinking its daylight when it's not - there are of course less of these beautiful eggs produced. This does mean that they're in short supply.

So - yoking apart - take the eggsperts' advice and scramble down to the Mustard Seed to shell out on a clutch of these crackingly eggsquisite Easter Feasters.

How many typewriters does it take to .... ?

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 16:10:00 +0000

.... change a light bulb? Recite the complete works of Shakespeare? Do the gardening?

If you think you know the answer, then call 0419-419419 (calls route through to Nigeria - so have your bank details ready) - and you may win a pot plant. Just don't tell the drug squad.

Amongst evolutionary biologists and geneticists, typewriters are the 2nd most studied subjects (after identical twins ) - ever ; and recently published articles now conclusively show that the QWERTY gene was simply an advantageous mutation that conferred on typewriter demonstrators the symbiotic ability to tap out TYPEWRITER along the top row without the keys jamming up.

Yes - the inevitable explosion in typewriters (and jammed up lower keys) did lead to beneficial spin-offs (alphabet spaghetti) but also trade-offs (jam rationing).

However - only now coming to light are the more complex side affects of the QWERTY mutation. Did you know that pessimistic words tend to contain more letters typed with the left hand - whereas right hand letters are favoured when tapping out growing and gardening terms?

The illustration shows what can happen when only the right hand is used for extended periods of typing.

Impressive eh? And also a wonderful antidote to left hand induced negativity.

But - on International Bagpipe Day - what does all this have to do with the price of mustard seed?

You may well ask.

Well - think about it.

We're clearly on the brink of a new green revolution.

90% of the population is right-handed.

These people all pick up their smartphones and tablet devices with their left hand - and then type exclusively with their right.

The affects - when they hit - will be blooming dramatic, and "Green fingers" will take on an entirely new meaning.

Yep - it's Apples & Blackberries going bananas on Orange.

So we need to - Be Prepared - as Baden-Powell would have said at this point..

And that's where the Mustard Seed comes in. It's a testament to right thinking optimists, and a panacea to left behinders . It's just bursting with tools for transforming and tending the garden of life; for nurturing the new shoots of optimism and new growth:

Tools (set of three) - Gardening hat (one) - Garden storage tins (set of two)

Garden Pouch - Garden Wall Planter - Garden Apron

Gardeners' Hand Salve - Garden Twine Pack (three) - Gardening Gloves

So - all together now:

How many kinds of sweet flowers grow

On a blooming android smart phone?

We'll tell you now of some that we know

Those we miss you'll surely pardon

Daffodils, heart's ease and phlox

Meadowsweet and lady smocks

Gentian, lupin and tall hollyhocks

Roses, foxgloves, snowdrops, forget-me-nots

On a blooming android smart phone.

Finally - while we're still on the green fingers theme : a customer (called Hector) came into the Mustard Seed yesterday and was clearly impressed by the range of gardening goods. "Man, you're really green!" he exclaimed.

Manure is actually brown - but I think I know what he meant.

P.S. In the video above, the toy accordion on the left is played by Hector. The bigger accordion on the right is played by Hector. There is only one Hector.

A blonde walks into a bookshop....

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 19:53:00 +0000

A blonde man (yes - men can be blonde as well you know) walked into the Mustard Seed, where there was an author (a very famous one of course) signing copies of her new book.

In response to the mumbled request from the blonde, the author opened the nearest front book cover and wrote the dedication "to Omar Chisitt", before handing the book to the blonde.

"But I was only asking how much is it? " responded the blonde.

---*---

Ah - the joys of the little misunderstandings that take place between real people in real bookshops. Such joys will sadly never again warm the cockles of the White Horse EX-Bookshop, that had to recently close its doors to the public; a public that's going increasingly virtual and online. Real bookshops must absolutely loathe the words Amazon and eBay.

So - the Mustard Seed will now do its best - as the only remaining real bookshop in town - to continue to ~~sow misunderstanding and confusion~~ be a valuable resource in the community .

We do have to ensure that shoppers can easily navigate their way round the aisles, so that they can see exactly where all the books are.

If you look at the Shop layout (see sketch on the right) , then you can see that all the Books are straight ahead of you as you come in the door: in Bay E , and also in the Zone on the right hand side.

To improve navigation, here's what we're going to do.

In deference to the very popular film streaming site (LoveFilm) we're now going to call that right hand side of the shop The Zone you Love . Hang on. That doesn't sound quite right. How about adding some Latin: that's always a good ploy if you want to add a bit of gravitas. Yes, I think that should work. "You Love" in Latin is AMAS isn't it? Amo, Amas, Amat... So - we get AMAS-ZONE. Yes - that has a good ring to it.

And Bay-E (or maybe E-Bay sounds better?) is pretty good as it stands. Amaszone & E-Bay. Hmmm - I like it.

So - DO come to Amaszone & E-Bay to have a good nose-pick up the new 2012 Lent/Easter Catalogue at the same time. (Sorry - maybe a full stop would have worked better than a dash there ).

Or browse through the catalogue online.

Below is a mini digital version of the magazine. Click on the image below to view it in full.

Click to launch the full edition in a new window

Yes, you CAN then order simply by emailing shop@mustardseed.org.uk , but remember: you may then just miss out on a good misunderstanding.

And remember - Confucius say.... If you can't find the book you want then you're probably shopping at the

Dickens in Wonderland

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 07:55:00 +0000

It's the 29th February; the March hares are leaping a day early, and we need your help. There's not a second to waste.

Because the earth is slowing down as it whizzes round the sun, every few years astronomers very sensibly add an extra second to our clocks, just to make sure that Universal Time is in synch with Solar time and International Atomic Time. They're called "leap seconds" and the next one will be added at the end of June 30, 2012 .

But - Hang on a minute?! With a Leap Second you add a second - right? Then - how long exactly do you add in a Leap Year? Ouch. No wonder I feel old, and the policemen keep getting younger.

Anyway - the point is this. There are moves afoot (30.48cm) to abolish the leap second.

This cannot be allowed to happen. It's absolutely vital to the success of the Mustard Seed that you have that extra second to be able to do your important fairtrade shopping & book browsing - especially now that the brilliant new Traidcraft Spring catalogue is out, just waiting for you to come in and pick up your copy.

So - here's the plan. The Mustard Seed will be introducing its own leap second, and it will be applied every time you come into the shop. And to differentiate it from GMT, we'll call it MSMT.

This is fantastic news. Not only will you have more shopping time, but if you come into the shop often enough, you'll also significantly slow down your own personal time continuum.

That's not all. By holding Zumba classes in the Mustard Seed entrance porch, the leaping ladies will be lapping up leap seconds like leap hares as if there's no tomorrow. Well - exactly. There won't be a tomorrow, will there?

Yep. Concorde used to be able to get you to New York before you'd even set off from London. Well, the Mustard Seed will be the new Concorde - only slightly cheaper. OK - you might miss the odd bus as a result, but at least the policemen will be behaving themselves again.

The point is well illustrated when Dickens found himself in Wonderland. There was the white coney lapin' along "I'm late, I'm late.... " when he hared past Oliver Twist. But Oliver knew the importance of taking time, of slowing down. He simply replied:

"Can I have seconds please?"

So - come to the Mustard Seed (You may have to squeeze past the Zumba class in the porch) if you want more time to appreciate the good things in life.

P.S. I've been testing out MSMT & leap seconds - and our personal time continua are therefore possibly no longer in alignment. So - IF you haven't been receiving Mustard Seed emails for a while, then that shows that MSMT really works.

Throat Singing?

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Fri, 27 May 2011 10:51:00 +0000

Having a frog in your throat presumably means that you're good at French, or good at catching flies maybe? I'm not sure. Anyway - I don't think anyone ever croaked from it.

I only mention this because of what happened yesterday. I mean - how would you react if you clearly heard Charles Aznavour being brutally strangled - and it was all happening in someone else's backpack?

The shapely blond teenager sitting next to me on the bus quickly admitted to the crime. "That's my ringtone" he owned up sheepishly.

Well, I'd hardly even had time to mentally digest our favourite french crooner's lucky escape, when an eerie voice coming out of my own left trouser pocket dragged me into the next phase of this bizarre saga.

"Tuvan Throat Singing" I heard the voice cry out from my trouser pocket - inappropriately clearly. You'd at least have expected it to be a two-tone froglike gravelly grunt. But - putting aside the tonal quality - what in blazes was going on??

I took out my mobile which also happened to be in the same trouser pocket. And there it was on the screen: the answer was quite simple really. The red Record button said it all. I'd inadvertently opened up an App that automatically records and then sorts music into appropriate genres, and it had decided that a strangled Aznavour best fits into the Tuvan Throat Singing genre. It even gave me a sample video so that I could judge for myself.

That gave me an idea. Could the App also sort out background sounds into musical genres - I wondered?

I started with the Hairdressers up London St.

First I recorded a couple of minutes of general chatter and ambient noise before asking the App to put it into the right category.

Well well. Barbershop - it declared confidently. Made sense I suppose.

Next came the piano shop. Honky Tonk according to my trusty App. The Crown went into Scrumpy & Western; the sweet shop was Acid Rock; the Pet Shop got Jitterbug; the charity shop went into Ragtime; and the Catholic Church was categorised as New Age Soul.

But - where would it put the Mustard Seed? I waited as it processed. It was thinking. Glam Punk perhaps? Or Hip Hop? Fandango would be fun. I was just hoping it wouldn't be Doom Metal ...

Nope - there it was. Rhapsody . Interesting choice. I asked it to define Rhapsody. "A form coming out of spontaneous inspiration and sense of freestyle improvisation producing something that is episodic yet integrated, free-flowing in structure, and featuring a range of highly contrasted moods, colour and tonality".

Sounded to me like the Mustard Seed all over - but then who am I to judge? If it's not Nana Mouskouri then it's all Greek to me.

P.S. Have you signed up yet for the Anniversary Celebration Party in the Corn Exchange on the 11th June?
Come for all of it - or part of it!
And why not bring the whole family to the Shared Lunch?
Everyone warmly welcome - to a Special event to celebrate a Special shop!
Sign up by emailing karen@vogt.org.uk

Singee Songee Sick a Pence

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Fri, 20 May 2011 18:02:00 +0000

A funny Sandwich walked into the Mustard Seed yesterday - and asked for some honey. "Sorry - we don't serve food here" the shop person replied crustily.

It's been happening all week - because it's http://www.britishsandwichweek.com/ .

Most people think they know the origin of the Sandwich ( the Sand Wich Project being the prequel to the Blair Wich Project etc etc ) - but this is incorrect. Sandwiches go back much further in time. I found a very old pastrami sandwich at Stonehenge. Very old.

Most sandwiches are also tone deaf apparently - but the one that came in ear on Monday was clearly kind of musical - in a sandwichy kind of way.

The sandwich song it was singing didn't make much sense to me - but this is what my pink-pidgin-english recorder app made of it:

Singee songee sick-a-pense
Pockee muchee lye.
Dozen two-times brackee-birdy
Cook him inee Pye.

When him cut-ee topside
birdy-bobbee sing.
Himee tinkee nice-ee dishy
set-ee fore-ee king.

Gerry inee tower loom
countee much-ee money.
Robbie inee Mustee See
chow-chee bready-honey

Girly in-ee Markee plays
hang-ee out-ee crose
Down come-ee brackee-birdy
nipee offee nose!

Who are Robbie & Gerry I wonder? A boy band probably.

Anyway - just to clarify. We DO serve food in the Mustard Seed. Lots of it. So - if you're a sarnie looking for a spread, then we'll be more than happy to serve you.

Diet of Worms

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sat, 07 May 2011 13:14:00 +0000

I'm not normally prone to conspiracy theories (the Sunday Sport DID get it right about Elvis now being a poodle on the moon however. The headline was "Ain't Nothin' but a Moon Dog" - which I didn't get) - but I did stumble across something really very sinister earlier this week that I thought you should know about. I must stress that this is FOR REAL, and I urge you to email this on to as many friends as possible.

I was on the way down to the Corn Exchange to vote when I heard it. Perfectly innocent - or so it may have seemed to the less perceptive. A girl in hoptails wearing a pinnaforte and playing bobscotch - and singing to herself. I could only make out some of the words - but it was enough:

...think I'll go and eat worms   ... fat ones, thin ones
   ... bite off the heads, and suck out the juice
. ... throw the skins away
   ....On worms three times a day

THAT's when it hit me - clear as criers' bell. THEY (you know who I mean)... THEY are trying to foist a foreign (probably vegetarian ) voting system on us - ~~supperifically~~ surreptitiously - or whatever the word is.

I'm not stupid you know. I've heard of the Diet of Worms. That was when the Bundestag ordered the Bundespost to put worm powder on the back of stamps so that when you licked the stamp you started speaking Slytherin (worm language that sounds like German I think) rather than good old English. (and sometimes your legs and arms dropped off - although I'm not sure about that bit - maybe they were chopped off) .

That was the start of the slippery slope - and we DON'T want the same to happen here.

You think I'm over-reacting? Not so.

I arrived at the polling station - and there it was - in your face. A big sign. LOW-CAL ELECTIONS HERE. They weren't even trying to hide it. They might as well have put DIET ELECTIONS HERE .

And that wasn't all. When I came up to the desk, the polling lady (she looked shifty) whispered (I had to lip-read) that our local MP (yes - this goes right to the top) was also on THE DIET (good thing too) and had first passed a post. (Ouch - worse than kidney stones probably).

It's bad enough finding ylang ylang and jojoba in your cornflakes (hey - what's wrong with ingredients that you can at least pronounce?) - and that we now need hair straighteners to deal with the dizzy affros (or is it affro dizzies ?) - but this latest foreign invasion regarding THE DIET is beyond the bucket.

It gets worse. There I was in the polling booth about to put pen to paper - when my finely tuned auditory canals picked up a female mumble from a fellow voter through the hardboard partition - through the grille of the confessional so-to-speak. "These Candy Dates all need to be thrown out!" - I heard clearly . I was outraged! Foreigners trying to abolish our sweet tooth? Obviously part of THE DIET plan. I felt like confronting the infidel in question with "Unhand me you Heathen - the Game is Up! " But I didn't - because the mumble continued. "These candy dates ... all just ham actors in a Pub .... " . That one took me a couple of seconds to work out. Ah yes - it clicked. Bar Skit Cases - she must have meant.

So - HOW can we protect the British Bonbon from THE DIET and the Slytherin invasion?

Luckily - there IS an answer.

1. Only use self-adhesive stamps
2. Buy LOTS of lovely Candies and delicious Dates from the Mustard Seed
3. AND Beautiful Bar Skits (apologies for the "basket" typo in the catalog) to put them in

And I'm now going to forward all of this on to the Sunday Sport.

P.S. Vegetarians... They DO eat worms don't they?

Palace Needs Poop

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 09:39:00 +0000

According to Wikileaks, there's Panic at the Palace.

A crinkle in Kate's crinolene? Willie got the wobblies?

No - much worse.

They're short on the kopi luwak for the after-dinner coffee & choccies.

Those of us with a passing interest in coprology will know that kopi luwak gets its rich mellow flavours from its brave journey through the stomach acids and digestive tract of the Asian palm civet.

And that's the guts of the problem. Civets don't have opposable thumbs - so they can't build bulldozer busters - so they can't prevent rainforest destruction - so there's less of them - so there's a shortage of civet poop. You get the picture. Less poop = less kopi luwak.

At £40 a bean (and in the current economic climate), it's definitely worth trying to fake it.

The Palace have certainly tried. All night long, the corgis were turning somersaults and yapping at imaginary caffeine-induced cats, and the queen now has big bags under her eyes (but that's because she's actually quite old).

It was also Wikileaks that let the civet cat out of the bag about the secret memo received by all six million Civil Servants earlier this week. For one night only they were all to become Civet Servants. I don't need to spell out what they were asked to do: you can read this for yourself on the Wikileaks website.

But what has this got to do with the Mustard Seed - you may ask?

No idea.

Ask me again after I've had my morning cup of delicious traidcraft medium roast while watching the Royal Wedding....

HAPPY EASTER FROM THE MUSTARD SEED!

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 06:23:00 +0000

For you, your family,
your friends, your community.

Clogged up Arteries

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 17:00:00 +0000

You'll be pleased to hear that the Mustard Seed have engaged the services of an eminent Cardologist to give our hundreds of beautiful Easter Cards a good health check. And he's a Christian - although I haven't previously come across his particular denomination.

Barnard? Maybe you've heard of it.

He's also quite a hearty fellow - although he does like his big words. Lots of consultants speak in the same vein I suppose.

And he wears a cardigan. Here's an example of his cardy-yakking. He could have said quite simply: "From the drawer, move them to the card rack in the Shop. Good air flow is important. Don't block up the corridor. "

But this was his version : "Open up the chest, then on three, transplant to my-cardium in the main atrium. Ventriclation is vital. Avoid blocking arterial passages" .

And when poor Rose accidentally overcharged a customer for a beautiful Easter card (she couldn't believe that it was such good value) , our Cardologist was heard to exclaim: "A Cardinal sin - although only Veinial on this occasion! It's a Pull-More-Money-Fibb Rose Is. We need to correct De Fibber Later " . Bizarrely - it actually sounded as if he was talking about pulmonary fibrosis & defibrillators - but I think that's probably just a coincidence.

Anyway - our cardiganned cardologist has declared that the wonderful a la card selection of Mustard Seed Easter cards as "simply cardilaginous - cardolic-acid and carduncle-free - and full of healthy cardohydrates" .

Yes - excellent news - don't you think?

The Mustard Seed - just a heartbeat away -
at the heart of the community.
For all our Easter Cards, Easter Gifts, and Easter Eggs.

Ah - delicious!

(Sorry - that last bit slipped in by accident. I'm sipping from my glass of rather Superior Vina Cava you see. )

And now for something Venn Tri-Colour:

Your Easter Eggs: Scrambled or Poached?

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 17:02:00 +0000

According to the eggsperts at wikipedia, The number of folds in a chef's hat supposedly represents the number of ways that s/he knows how to cook a chocolate egg - with the vaunted 100-fold hat reserved only for the heads of the heads of the finest culinary establishments in Lilliput.

And did you know the origin of the "egg-timer"?

Here's how it started. Sea-farers plying the globe in their wooden galleons would measure the passage of time by placing a chocolate egg aft of the poop deck, marking off the days by the position of the white mould-line as it crawled its way across the surface of the egg.

But this only worked with rubbishy supermarket chocolate eggs that went mouldy easily.

All that changed when the Mustard Seed started stocking their much more delicious and higher quality fairtrade chocolate eggs.

So - when Sir Francis Drake bought his lovely fairtrade chocolate egg from the Mustard Seed and it didn't go mouldy; he died of fright as a result - all because he thought his whole family had been turned to stone. (He'd landed on Easter Island by mistake).

Ever since then, chocolate eggs have been part of our Easter celebrations, and the very best ones are found in the Mustard Seed - along with a lovely explanation of the Easter Message (no mention of the slaver Francis Drake though - which is a good thing too, because he wasn't a very fair trader at all).

The Real Easter Egg is the first and only Fairtrade chocolate Easter Egg to explain the Christian understanding of Easter on the box. As well as being fully fairtrade, it also supports charity and development projects - buying everything from medical equipment for new mums here at home, to chickens and securing fresh water for farmers in Africa.

And - because these special eggs are slightly smaller than usual - they also have a lot less air in them compared to the normal rubbishy supermarket ones (what a rip-off eh - charging for air! ) , and are therefore also much less fattening (air contains 586 cal / 100g ) .

But maybe these beautiful eggs are still a bit too big for you?

For the egg-poacher turned egg-hunter looking for six of one & half a dozen of the other, we have the new Easter Egg Hunters' Kit from Divine (Ghana) - delivered to you in a real egg box with set of real egg hunter signs and six real chocolate eggs - also suitable for frying, poaching & boiling. Let me know how you get on. Three minutes should do it.

Sorry - what was that? You don't want any air at all in your egg? You just want deliciously solid smooth chocolate in the shape of an egg so that it's perfect for secretly sniffing & licking?

Well - that is bordering on the Sybaritic. Bacchanalian even. Epicurian some might say. Definitely Ambrosial.

OK. We'll make a few especially for you. But to curb your excesses, we're going to have to make your solid eggs delicately petite - so that when you breathe in those heady chocolatey aromas you don't over-indulge.

And there it is. The eggsquisitely crafted mini egg. Just for you. A whole bagful. Perfect for licking and perfect for sharing (although - probably not in that order) . Also perfect for hiding from children. But not so good for coddling or pickling. Microwaving is quite fun though, especially with the wrapper still on.

Yoking apart, if you're as eggcited & eggstatic as me about all of this, I suggest you scramble down to the Mustard Seed at once to stock up in plenty of time for Easter; egged on by the Lilliputian big-endians and little-endians alike.

Einstein & Relativity

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 06:28:00 +0000

He was called "Ein Stein" by his mum because he weighed in at a whopping "One Stone" when born. No wonder he landed on his head. And in the eleventh dimension, Einstein was born (14th March) in the same year as he died (18th April). This being the 1st of April, we're now at the exact balance-point between the two dates. We have Equality.

Equality = Mustard Ceed².

Or E = MC² .

(Funny - if Einstein had been better at spelling then that famous equation would have been E = MS²I suppose ) .

But did you know that - because of the Theory of General Relativity - your head ages faster than your feet? (just look at Albert's head if you're not convinced) . Relative speed of aging all depends on the distance from the nearest significant gravitational field.

Yes - a 79 year old head - being six feet further away from the Earth - is approximately 90 billionths of a second older than the attached feet (assuming same owner, no transplants, and no standing on head) .

You'll be pleased to know that - in order to optimise product quality - we've now applied the Theory of General Relativity to the placement of items on the Mustard Seed shelves.

Clearly - items placed on the higher shelves will age more rapidly.

Under the new layout, looking at the top shelf, the coffee aficionados amongst you I'm sure will appreciate the new deep rich overtones in the machu picchu flavours that can only come about because of that added relative time.

But rancid cashews & brazils on the other hand are more of an acquired taste. So - not surprisingly, they're now wallowing in the elixir of eternal nuttiness that is represented by that bottom shelf, where time crawls more sluggishly - relatively speaking.

Clever huh?

But - every silver lining has a ~~cloud~~ could.

And what is that could - you may ask?

Well - the top shelf items will get old faster and will reach their sell-by dates sooner - and if we're not careful this could create a crack in the very fabric of space-time itself.

That's the ~~cloud~~ could.

But you can help prevent this could from happening.

How - you may well ask?

Well, simply buy more stuff - more often - and more quickly.

Here's how it works. Imagine a Geobar racing round inside the Large Hadron Collider - chased by hoards of Higgs-Boson particles (as yet undiscovered) - trying to catch up with its own sell-by date.

You then breeze in - sipping your martini. You nonchalantly reach into the bowels of the big machine - ignoring the intense electromagnetic fields that would fry any normal mortal - and you then BUY the Geobar - while discovering the Higgs-Boson at the same time.

Result? The Geobar never reaches its sell-by date, and your ethical decision (well - the gluons in your Moral Relativity to be more precise ) neatly glues up the cracks in the anti-matter space-time continuum.

You've saved the planet - yet again.

But - be careful... (see graph) . Joy-riding the LHC sounds like fun - but going really really fast can cause ethical mayhem.

It's probably safer just to chase down to the Mustard Seed (not TOO fast mind) & buy your Geobars there.

P.S. Well done on the Higgs-Boson by the way.

Hagar-the-Horrible's Mum

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 07:35:00 +0000

Mothering Sunday

Some will tell you that we celebrate "Mauthrin Sunday" in memory of St Mauthrin the Viking (or should that be Viqueen?): mother of Hagar the Horrible and inventor of simnel cake & the explanation mark.

But that is of course complete nonsense.

There IS an interesting Mothers' Day Viking link that concerns us nonetheless. The Vikings - you see - (being good plunderers rather than good spelers) thought that MOTHERS' DAY was (and still is) an anagram of MUSTARD SEED; and thus discovered that the Mustard Seed is probably the best place in England (maybe even the world) for Mother's Day gifts. The Mother-of-all Mothers' day shops.

There's the delicately alluring fair trade silk scarves; the mother-of-pearl fair trade jewellery; the exquisite hand-made cards that are so perfect for Mothers' Day (and there's also really cheap Mother's Day cards if you're looking for something for your mother-in-law); the mouthwateringly motherly chocolates; the rubber washing-up gloves (sorry - Freudian slip there); and of course the matronly winged helmets. And as documented in Sven Forkbeard's Annals of Viking Exploits, the Mustard Seed was at the very top of all the Viking plundering lists, and one of the main reasons why they so frequently made the crossings over from Norway. Even Hagar the Horrible didn't forget to get his mum a Mother's Day gift from the Mustard Seed.

Scholars will then tell you that Mothering Sunday - the 4th Sunday of Lent - is also called Dominica Refectionis (Refection Sunday - refection meaning meal - hence refectory) because of the scripture reading of Joseph feeding his brothers.

Gosh - how interesting - you're probably thinking. But - LL's Bells! I've just realised something else.

If you add an L to refection then what do you get?

Yes - RefLection. The picture above is now beginning to make sense to me. Or - maybe you'd already spotted it.

Anyway - when you're in the Mustard Seed buying a present for your mum, you may see a Viking swooping in astride a winged helmet bellowing out the Song of the Valkyries in Norse. If so - do ask him/her if it really was St Mauthrin who invented the explanation mark.

Thanks.

P.S. By the way - where do you put the apostrophe in Mother's Day ?

New Bookies now Open for Business

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 15:39:00 +0000

Yes that's right: get your dosh out & come down to the Mustard Seed to check out the new Bookies!

Life's a lottery as they say, but if you play your cards right - even when the odds seem stacked against you - take a chance on the Mustard Seed and the guaranteed returns will soon get you back on track.

So - go on! It may be Twitter's 5th Birthday tomorrow, but FLUTTER is now the new Twitter! Have a little Flutter. Get your Leggies into gear to see the new Bookies at the Mustard Seed. Bookies especially for Lent.

Ah yes. Lent. Lent is an interesting word don't you think? Especially when used in the context of bookies. "I lent him that bookie" - actually means that you probably won't see it again until you trip over it at a jumble sale.

And there's not only the new bookies to see - but also the new Christian Marketplace Magazine: in print and online - and full of new bookies. Click on the image below to view it in full, or pick up your copy at the Mustard Seed.

Click to launch the full edition in a new window

Here's another interesting thing. For most Bookies you have to be at least 18 years old; but not at the Mustard Seed . Ankle biters, nippers, rugrats, sprogs & munchkins all welcome.

And - talking of munchkins, Delia Smith for once is not cooking bookies about cookies. This time she's cooked up a real feast with her forty reflections.

Forty. That reminds me. Apparently, Australians think that you fast during Lent for "Forty Nights" because they pronounce it " For Tea - Na Eats" - but that's another story .

Anyway - back to the Mustard Seed. Did you know that ABBA even wrote a song about our little shop full of big surprises?

tikachancetikachancetikachakachancchance.......
If you want a read,
Come to Mustard Seed
Take a chance indeed.
If you don't want greed.
It's the place to go,
For your mind to grow,
To fulfil your need
Come to Mustard Seed
tikachancetikachancetikachakachancchance.......

25th Anniversary Party!

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 17:51:00 +0000

Motherhood & Apple Pi

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 12:05:00 +0000

The Guatemalan Squeezy Honey Drought that befell the Mustard Seed on Pancake Day last week will be etched into the annals of Mustard Seed history.

We ran out.

Sorry.

Instead, Shoppers were having to resort to the deliciously fruity Paraguayan strawberry jam & absolutely ambrosial chocolate hazelnut spread containing hazelnuts from Malawi, cocoa from Equador and sugar from Costa Rica to put on their pancakes.

I mean - who wants to put a whole fairtrade world map on their pancakes eh?

We also ran out of the Orange/Cinnamon Rose/Geranium soap sets from Khayelitsha township in South Africa - but I'm not sure that had anything to do with Pancake Day. If it did - then I wish you a speedy recovery.

The good news is that we're much better prepared for World Pi Day that's coming up this Monday in the 3rd month of the year and the 14th day of that month (3.14) .

We do NOT intend to run out of pie.

OK - trivial point - we don't actually sell pie. But let's not get picky. The aroma of pie often wafts in from next door.

We can be sure however that Henry Pye (poetlaureately) would turn in his tomb (gravely) if we ran out of Pie (metaphorically) on Pi Day (homophonically).

Yes - we're talking Star Wars and May the MetaPhors Be with You here. We're talking Motherhood & Apple Pie. We're talking about All that's Wholesome & Good. What the Mustard Seed has in abundance.

In English and in Latin. Pie Jesu .

So: here's a few simple guidelines for Pi Day: Fill your pie hole with humble pie. It's easy as pie, not pie in the sky. Better than telling pork pies, or getting pie-eyed.

3.14 to that .

And as a special treat: on Pi Day, the Guatemalan squeezy honey will be on special offer at £3.14 . (normal price = £2.99 )

Please note: the wholesome goodness of Mustard Seed Motherhood & Apple Pie is only available on those days in the month when the date is divisible by itself.

P.S. For those craving a bit of real maths: if you multiply the diameter of a mustard seed by 3.14 then you still get a very small number.

P.P.S. And if you want to hear what Pi sounds like then click HERE .

Launch of the iPad 2

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 18:25:00 +0000

"There ain't no such thing as a free launch!" .

Those were indeed the first words uttered by the tartan-trewed super-guru as he strolled incognito into Faringdon Market Place this morning - with a spanking new iPad 2 under one arm, and a bell under the other.

It was the personalised numberplate strapped to his cape that gave the game away.....

SJ 1 . nothing else. That was the numberplate. Just SJ 1 . Wow. The numberplate was probably worth more than the cape.

Yep.

It was none other than ...

Steve Jobs.

What do you mean ? You don't mean.... Surely not? You mean.... THE Steve Jobs?

Yep. Steve Jobs. Founder of the first art nouvelle cuisine super-MAC-something computer. Well - Scottish-something anyway. Hence the tartan trews presumably.

"HEY GUYS " - he shouted over the clanging noise of his bell - "I HEARD ABOUT YOUR BUN-THROWING world record - and wanted to see fo' maaself!"

Yikes. Misunderstanding. Big time. We confiscated his bell and then explained.

"Hi Steve. Lose the bell - and lose the HROW ."

"Sarry - wadya mean - lose de HROW ? " He lunged for the bell, but missed.

"Yes - that's right lose the HROW . BuntHROWing is what they do in Abingdon when the Queen comes to visit. But OUR world record in Faringdon is without the hrow. It's the BUNTING world record. No hrow in the middle. Fairtrade bunting for fairtrade fortnight. You know - flags on strings."

We showed him some of the flags that the children had already decorated.

"Wow!. Thad IS feantastic!" he gushed. "And - it's so PURRFECT for ma new iPad 2 . Just take a look at dis BEAST! "

We watched his demo - enthralled - but perplexed. Yes - it was certainly BIG - but we couldn't quite see the relevance. And - HOW - in so many words - do you tell the great man that you can't quite see the relevance? Or - maybe it was a diversionary tactic just to get his bell back.

"Sorry - SJ - we can't quite see the relevance."

It seemed to do the trick.

"Well - it's the new APP that comes bundled in" he explained. "The new FAIRSHOP App" .

Sounded intriguing. He continued. "Yeah - it's a FAIR SHOP" . He laughed. We didn't .

"Yeah. ye know - it's a FAIR SHOP? FAIR COP? Ged it? It maniders yer shapping an' gives ye electric shacks if ye traa de baa de non-fairtrade staaff!" - he was clearly very pleased with himself - and had also temporarily forgotten about the bell . "Yeah - it's laak yer own personal po-lees-man - dat makes sho' ye baa fairtrade! "

Maniders yer shapping? Electric shacks if ye traa de baa de non-fairtrade? Ah yes - monitors your shopping. Electric shocks if you try to buy the non-fairtrade. Why they can't speak proper in the colonies is beyond me.

"But - how does it work?" we asked in close harmony - almost barbershop - certainly fairshop.

"Weaaalll...." he drawled - pulling a face like a possum and hitching up his tartan trews - "As well as de usual GPS with GEO-PO-SITION capabilidee, dis baby also has GEO-BAR and GEO-CRUNCH functionalidee. So - it reads de BARcodes and den gives yer a nice liddle taster of GEO-CRUNCH . But dis is a TASTER widdout de middle T . Yep. It TASERS ye real good an' proper."

Brilliant! Imagine if all smart phone & tablet owners were admonished with a gentle 50,000 volts every time they fell off the fairtrade wagon - they'd soon make sure they didn't keep their smart phones in their trouser pockets.

"Yeahhhh... An' have y'all come across de new Xbox Kinect game? It's faaanteastic: Kickin' & punchin' government ministers every taam dey prevaricate at de world trade talks!"

That was the moment that we all saw Steve Jobs kickboxing an imaginary kangaroo in Faringdon Marketplace. And if you tell your grandchildren that - they'd never believe you.

"Can ah have ma bell back naa please? "

Oblong and Fleshy

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 09:46:00 +0000

"You need to send out an email about dates!" Karen called through from the kitchen.

"What dates?" I called back from the front room, whilst surreptitiously munching on a delicious fairtrade ginger biscuit and pondering on the possibility of spending a week in a bath full of fairtrade muesli for charity. "You mean the oblong fleshy fruits of the date palm? Are they on special offer then at the Mustard Seed?"

"No - dates. You know - DATES. The dates during Fairtrade Fortnight!"

"Ah yes - right!" I called back - trying to disguise the mouthful of biscuit - "Dates? - Like going out on dates - and dating sites? To meet other fairtrade supporters you mean?" . It sounded bonkers to me. I pondered on whether the bath full of muesli would be better dry - or with milk .

"NO - DATES. Diary Dates!" she called out - volume and pitch both significantly up. "Like the Fairtrade market stall next Tuesday! 1st March - that kind of date!"

It was probably better dry - because then you could simply put it back in the packets again afterwards and sell it. Maybe at a discount. And the milk would probably go off anyway. And - what was that Karen was saying about dairy dates?

At this point Karen marched in and thrust a sheet of paper into my biscuit hand, dragging me out of my milky reveries. "Look - just type this in and send it off" .

"OK ". I put the rest of the biscuit in my mouth.

Tuesday 1st March: Fairtrade Market Stall at Farmers Market. 9am-1pm . A couple of volunteer still needed. Can you help perhaps? Call 241707
Thursday 3rd March: Meeting with Palestinian Farmers - Fairtrade olive producers . 7.30pm - Catholic Church. All welcome - should be very interesting!
Saturday 5th March: Fairtrade Bunting World Record Attempt! 9.30-11.30am under Old Town Hall. Come & Decorate your own bunting flag!
Saturday 5th March: Fairtrade Sale at the Shrivenham Methodist Church Coffee Shop. 10-11.30am . All welcome.
Sunday 6th March: Fairtrade Sale & Big Brew Hot drinks in the Catholic Church Hall in Faringdon. 10am-11am . All welcome .
Sunday 6th March: Fairtrade Sale at St Nicholas Fyfield. 10.30am (after village service) . All welcome.
Tuesday 8th March: Fairtrade Pancake Feast at the Shrivenham Methodist Church. 10am-12midday . All welcome.
Sunday 13th March: Fairtrade Sale at St Mary's Buckland - after the Morning Service. All welcome.
Saturday 19th March: Fairtrade Sale at St Denys' Stanford in the Vale. 10am-12midday. All welcome.

"Gosh - what a lot going on!" I commented - noting that there would be lots of milk required for the Pancake feast. "Can you cope yeah ?"

"Cornucopia? Hmmm" ... Karen mused - "Interesting choice of word. A cornucopia of fairtrade events ..."

And I was thinking of Nomads in the desert getting all of their dietary requirements just from milk & dates.

Dairy dates indeed.

P.S. Look out for the discounted muesli in the Mustard Seed in the Spring .

The Placebo Effect

noreply@blogger.com (s10erd) — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 17:53:00 +0000

A Placebo (latin: I shall please) is a fake medical intervention (for example an inert pill) that is administered as part of the control in medical trials, and very often turns out to be remarkably effective; sometimes even better than the real thing. This is known as the Placebo Effect.

Drug companies don't like the Placebo effect, because there's little profit in sugar pills. But it sure saves the patient a lot of money.

So we decided to test out whether or not the placebo effect also works with fairtrade. Do we really HAVE to pay this fairtrade premium to farmers - or would a placebo work just as well?

Yep. Fake fairtrade .

Well - come on - be honest - have YOU spotted that I wear a fake Rolex - and that it only tells the right time twice a day?

Step One: We started by looking at THE MAP ....

Step Two: We then chose a load of dorky friends on their gap yah - with their smartphone video cameras - to go to the interesting places on the map (all of them) & record what happened next.

Step Three: We bought a load of stuff (tea, coffee, sugar, handicrafts, cocoa, honey, dried fruits, fresh fruits, nuts - and so on) from all these places and of course paid as little as possible for it . Definitely no premium.

Step Four: (Here's the clever bit) . We then stuck little fake fairtrade logos on all the cheap stuff ; took it down the Mustard Seed; texted the dorky friends to start filming in their far flung places (at least - those that had remembered their chargers) ; and then sold off all the stuff - fake logos an' all (and at full price of course - we didn't want the customers to suspect anything) to the gullible bleeding heart liberals who came into the shop. And the customers never knew the difference; they didn't know they were getting a placebo product - clever huh?

Yep - Big profits.

But - (on this occasion at least) - the placebo effect didn't kick in at all. However much we sold of the cheapo placebo stuff , it didn't make a jot of difference to the poor farmers.

The videos ( Android & iPhone in equal measure) showed clearly that the farmers & their families stayed poor. Very poor. In fact, they got poorer.

We even tried sticking on more fake stickers: but that didn't work either.

So : we have to conclude therefore that the products we buy HAVE to be the real thing if they're going to help the farmers & their families. They have to be properly certified as fairtrade or fairly traded.

And therefore, isn't it just dandy that the new Traidcraft Spring catalogue has just come out: and is available for you to pick up from the Mustard Seed?

Loaded with new stuff.

And - in the catalogue there's also a very interesting article about the Nocebo Effect (available to read for anyone with the latest android augmented-reality Z-Axis eBook reader+3D specs ) .

The article tells us that the Nocebo Effect really does apply to Fairtrade.....

Oh yes.

What's the Nocebo Effect - I hear you ask? (Bionic hearing.... ) Well, patients on placebos often suffer side effects and adverse reactions - even though they're just getting a harmless Placebo. Hence the Nocebo (latin: I will harm) Effect .

The same happens with fake fairtrade.

When we buy all the placebo stuff in ordinary supermarkets, we think nothing of it.

But <because of that Nocebo Effect?> there's lots of nasty side effects & adverse reactions that we aren't aware of .

Those gap yah smartphone videos show clearly that the poor farmers & their families really suffer when we buy placebo.

In this case, it's got to be the real medicine. No sugar pills - unless they're fairtrade of course.

Which just goes to show that:

Just a spoon of fairtrade sugar makes the medicine go down,
The medicine go down, The medicine go down,
Just a spoon of fairtrade sugar makes the medicine go down,
In the most delightful way!