Short Jokes Of The Day

Men are like fine wine

2011-08-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it is our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Space Saver

2011-08-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they would take up less room.

Mixed Up

2011-08-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Mealtime

2011-08-06T14:12:00.000-07:00

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.

Computer Training

2011-08-05T13:21:00.001-07:00

HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management,

it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Silver Lining

2011-08-05T13:19:00.001-07:00

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father,
"is that I know he never cheated during his exams."

Instructions

2011-08-05T13:18:00.000-07:00

Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

Salespeople Greeting

2011-08-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

How do salespeople traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

Difference in Forms

2011-08-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.

Glass of Water

2011-08-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

There was a glass of water on the table...
One man says, "It's half full". He is an optimist.
Second man says, "It's half empty". He is a pessimist.
Third man says, "It's twice too big". He is a management consultant.

Bald Eagle

2011-08-04T16:29:00.001-07:00

How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.

Worry Wart

2011-08-04T16:28:00.001-07:00

"I'd give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!"
"You're on. Now,
where is those thousand dollars?"
"That is your first worry!"

Recognition

2011-08-04T16:26:00.001-07:00

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I dont recognize this court!"
"Why?" asked the Judge.
"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."

Dark Dark

2011-08-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

The girl walked into the dark, dark house through the dark, dark hall and down the dark, dark stairs to the dark, dark cellar where there was a dark,
dark passageway at the end of which was a dark, dark room. Inside was a dark, dark cupboard and inside that was an electrician mending the fuse!

Opposition

2011-08-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing,
"All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."

Math Problem

2011-08-03T18:38:00.000-07:00

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"

Hundred Dollar Bill

2011-08-03T18:35:00.000-07:00

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythological creatures.

A Great Singer

2011-08-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

"What kind of music do you sing?"
"Aqua-pella."
"Don’t you mean ‘a cappella’, singing without instrumental accompaniment?"
"Nope. I mean ‘aqua-pella’, singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower-head."

Irish Answers

2011-08-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

Razor

2011-07-26T16:16:00.000-07:00

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

Pharmacist Speech

2011-07-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night,
he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

Lawyer's Money

2011-07-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"

"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."

Searching

2011-07-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

Actuary

2011-07-26T16:07:00.000-07:00

An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake,
and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

Extraction

2011-07-26T16:04:00.000-07:00

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.