So, sparked by a debate in the Times, which theatre-going rules would you chose to implement across Theatreland so as not to spoil anyone’s enjoyment?

Okay, well let’s run through a few candidates then and you can suggest revisions afterwards. Sound good? Righto, first up is one of the most fundamental rules, I think:

1. THOU SHALT NOT EAT
To paraphrase King Lear: “Never, never, never, never, never… eat anything in the theatre.” You may have noticed that, unlike the local Nickelodeon, West End theatres do not have a hi-octane, sugary mess hall for a foyer.

Surreptitiously enjoying the last of that interval glass of wine is fine, providing you don’t slurp at it too vigourously or gargle the theme tune to Match of the Day with it. However, twisting plasticky sweet wrappers or relentlessly grazing on popcorn is just not on. Verboten.

2. THOU SHALT TURN THY MOBILE OFF
Yes, another no-brainer for my money. Mobiles 100% need to be switched off well before the show starts. No, not on vibrate, off; right off.

Having someone buzz like an angry bumble-bee three rows back is just as distracting as having some tiny polyphonic orchestra blurt into life. I mean, save yourself the embarrassment, having a ringing telephone during a dramatic scene is plain excruciating.

Exhibit A: I was watching Spring Awakening about three months ago, right in the middle of the tender denouement someone’s BlackBerry started kicking-up all sorts of racket. The show closed three-and-a-half weeks later. Coincidence? I think not.

3. THOU SHALT NOT BE LATE
One of the most heinous of all the theatrical trespasses, do not be late. I was late once, I confess. Awful it was - I was in Cambridge and I was trying to get to see this Ayckbourne thingy at The Arts Theatre. I was walking down the street to the theatre when I noticed that the road had been closed up ahead by the fire brigade because a house was ablaze! I had to turn back and find another route. The play had already started and I had to apologetically shuffle in five minutes late. The shame was almost intolerable. So, ye brothers and sisters, do not as I have done, follow the fold and stray no more.

4. THOU SHALT NOT PAY CELEBRITIES MORE HEED THAN OTHER PERFORMERS
Benedict Nightingale picks this up in her article and I think she’s bang-on to do so. Just because so and so is in films, or you’ve seen someone who you recognise from off The Bill, don’t applaud them on. It’s silly, it must make the other actors uneasy and it marks anyone that does so out as being a complete berk.

5. THOU SHALT NOT TALK
The odd occasional whisper may just pass, providing it’s an emergency, but clucking away like an old hen is out. Here are two conversations that fall either side of the threshold of acceptability.

This might just be okay: (Delicate whisper) “Excuse me dear, my leg seems to be on fire, may I just squeeze past you into the aisle so that I can be rushed to hospital?”

This is taboo: (Shouting) Here, is that the chap off The Bill? (to the actor) Here mate, you in The Bill?

6. THOU SHALT NOT SING-A-LONG
Now, I understand that I may be in the minority here, but singing along to show tunes is pretty rough if you ask me. I don’t even like it in big jukebox numbers like Mamma Mia, so belting out As Long As He Needs Me with Jodie Prenger is beyond. Way, way beyond.

7. THOU SHALT NOT EMPHASISE LAUGHTER TO PROVE YOU GET A JOKE
Shakespeare is funny, but some 400-year-old quip about smallpox is not exactly Justin Lee Collins, is it?

If you catch the odd subtle reference to the French disease or the plight of the Catholics in Elizabethan England then a quiet, wry smile to yourself should suffice. Bellowing with laughter and slapping your thigh with mirth at Much Ado About Nothing does not make you look like an intellectual.

8. THOU SHALT NOT GET FRESH
Another colossal disparity between the cinema and the theatre is this: when accompanying a young lady or a young gentleman to the theatre, never try the age-old yawn-to-arm-over-the-shoulder manoeuvre. I don’t care if you’re sitting in the back row.

Come on guys; don’t make me get my ruler out. And that’s not a euphemism.

9. THOU SHALT NOT VIDEO THE ACTORS
This has only ever happened to me once, but if I see anyone trying to video a play with their mobile phone again I might jolly well actually say something next time. The footage is going to be rubbish anyway and, really, well, it’s just a bit weird isn’t it?

When did it start being okay for the public to ram lenses into people’s faces because their famous or because your friend really likes this bit? It’s totally off and, without getting too pompous about it, it breaks the whole magic of the shared experience that theatre can bring about.

10. THOU SHALT NOT GET BOGGED DOWN WITH ALL THIS RULES NONSENSE
I understand this may seem a strange note to finish on, bearing in mind the previous nine commandments, but I think too much emphasis is placed on how one must and must not behave in situations like this.

The previous nine “rules” are just common courtesy really, things that any conscientious person would observe because it’s just, well, standard civilised practice.

The main thing, of course, is that theatre-goers enjoy themselves and are not put off by a barrage of supposed etiquette bunkum. Theatre can be an electrifying experience, one that absolutely everyone can enjoy.

As long as you understand that everything you see and hear is happening completely live and any attention you attract towards yourself you detract from the performers then you’ll be absolutely fine.

Part of the magic of live theatre is that it all happens in one exact space and at one exact point in time; all one need remember is that they are in and part of that space too.

I wrote half my dissertation on Harry Potter, I possess one Potter hoody, two t-shirts, a Durmstrang knapsack and a shelf in my house is dedicated to Potter prop replicas.

I say all this because I suspect I may be ever so slightly biased in my opinion that the following clips of HP The Musical are 23 different kinds of awesome. I won’t try and sway you either way, I’ll just go straight to the video.

The musical was apparently written earlier this year by a group of American students and recent graduates though a non-profit theatre company. It was performed just five times over three days (I demand a UK tour!)

The songs were written by the chap who plays Harry (Darren Criss) and AJ Holmes who played piano in the show’s band. The script was written (or should I say “adapted for the stage” by Matt Lang (who also directed), Nick Lang and Brian Holden; all of whom should get Tony awards!

Ok, maybe not Tony awards but if nothing else, a mighty big pat on the back from the theatre community. An original and funny take on the Potter universe, catchy songs and the hilarious flue powder part made this a pleasure to watch on YouTube. I can only imagine how funny it must have been live.

One more thing, just to really demonstrate my Potter fanboydom, behold the shelf of wonders!

My shelf of shame/awesome

It was the rebirth of the Lads. Remember them? Laaadds; they had their own music, their own beer, their own magazines. Laaaadds. From this point on, in tribute, I shall be talking like a Laaaad…

Yeah, that Men Behaving Badly was on the box weren’t it. Yeah, that was all right. Just about a couple of geezers it was. Yeah, they lived in this flat, Tony and Gary. Anyway, Tony always had his eye on this tasty bit of stuff that lived upstairs. She was in Quadrophenia, I think. Phwoaarr!

Yeah, they were a solid couple of blokes, always drinking beer and smoking fags. Had an all right theme tune it did: dah dah dat dah dah dah dum dum daaah! Burp.

Okay, okay, that’s quite enough of that.

Well, news has it that after graduating from Badly Behaved Polytechnic, Neil Morrissey is about take on a serious acting role.

No, I’m not talking about Bob the Builder. I’m talking about Rain Man. Yep, Neil Morrissey is going to star as autistic savant Raymond Babbitt in the touring production of Rain Man. The part was initially made famous by Dustin Hoffman – he won an Oscar for his detailed and nuanced performance – and was recently reprised on stage by British character actor Adam Godley. Now it would appear that the honour has been bestowed upon lads’ mascot Neil Morrissey.

News of Morrissey’s casting may be doubly surprising to some as it was reported in The Daily Mirror last month that the star had quit show business to pursue his life-long ambition of running a pub.

It seems that commentators are calling this his swan song.

Then again, this could rejuvenate his career: look at Lenny Henry. He took to serious acting like a, like a… swan to water.

I wonder if there are any other sitcom actors that could make it in more serious roles? Any ideas? Personally, I’d like to see Nicholas Lyndhurst play Stanley Kowalski from Streetcar Named Desire; or what about Morrissey’s old stable-mate Martin Clunes in Macbeth.

Magic.

There, I got through the whole blog and I didn’t mention Amanda Holden once.

Damn.

Reactions to a celeb being cast in any Shakespearean role are always fascinating. Some people hardly react at all because they’d see the production either way. Others delight in their favourite TV personalities having a crack at “proper” acting, while some do that baffling outrage thing, all harsh words and infuriatingly superior attitudes.

We could spend forever poring over every last little comment regarding celebs in Shakespeare but honestly, I can’t be bothered. I won’t be seeing the Donmar’s Hamlet, not because I don’t think Jude Law could play the lead convincingly but because I’ve had my fill of Shakespearean melancholy.

This summer I’m far more interested in a considerably lower-profile production, Shakespeare’s Globe’s touring production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Firstly, it’s my favourite Shakespearean piece, secondly, it’s actually fun!

We’ve had Hamlet coming out of our ears recently and Othello starring Lenny Henry is on its way to London. Othello is hardly the most upbeat story, interesting, but not fun by any stretch of the imagination. Not to say I won’t be seeing Othello, I just fancy a break from the heavy stuff.

It’s summer, it’s beautiful outside and Shakespeare’s Globe’s travelling production will be performed outdoors in the balmy summer evening air. It can’t only be me who sees this as a far more appropriate way to perform Shakespeare in these few precious sunny weeks?

The time for gloomy Danish castles and the vengeful intentions of jealous lovers is surely winter?

Don’t get me wrong I’m all for a bit of gloom and doom on stage but this is England and we get what, 16 weeks of nice weather a year? What better way to celebrate those fleeting weeks than getting outdoors with a picnic and watching the antics of the king and queen of fairies, a troop of bumbling actors and of course, a pair of lovers.

I implore you, try and make it to see this tour. You’ll not regret it.

Tour dates:

Bristol, Ashton Court: 23–28 June

Maidstone, Leeds Castle: 30 June–5 July

West Sussex, Parnham House:
 7 July

London, Shakespeare’s Globe: 8–11 July

East Sussex, Herstmonceux Castle: 13-14 July

Taunton, Hestercombe Gardens: 15–18 July

Cornwall, Minack Theatre: 20–24 July

Essex, Hedingham Castle: 27-28 July

Poland, Gdansk: 
31 July–6 August

Austria, Art Carnuntum Festival: 8-9 August

Canterbury, St Augustine’s Abbey: 2-16 August

Yorkshire, Ripon, Newby Hall: 
18-19 August

Yorkshire, Richmond, Georgian Theatre: 
20-23 August

Cambridge, Emmanuel College: 25-30 August

Glamorgan, St Donats: 31 August

Those virtually thumbing through the online copy of The Times this morning may have seen the news that playwright Mark Ravenhill’s latest Edinburgh project has a little talent show twist.

This is what was going on in my dusty brain-box as I read the article:

SCENE ONE: (Grainy black and white footage: A plain-looking office. Our hero scans the article from his computer screen. The faint tinkle of roadworks can be heard in the distance.)

ME: (Reading from The Times online) “Here’s the script. Fancy being in my play tonight?”

(Aside) Sorry what’s that?! Ol’ Ravers is thinking of using guest performers to perform in his new play A Life in Three Acts?

“Mark Ravenhill intends to use special guests to enact segments of the dialogue, though he has no idea who they will be.”

(Aside) Woah, woah, woah — hold the fax machine! He’s going to get people up on stage and he hasn’t decided who they are yet?

“This is it. Finally. My big break at last! All I have to do is find out where the plays are being staged and hang around outside the theatre for hours until I’m noticed. Perfect! Edinburgh, here I come!”

(Fanfare. Music kicks in. Dancing girls come on for big finale finish. Da da dum da, da DAAAHHHH)

LE FIN

Hmmm… maybe not.

The plays in question stem from a series of interviews Ravenhill conducted with avant-garde performer Bette Bourne. Famed for his work with the Bloolips cabaret, Bette Bourne is a pioneer from the underground drag scene who totally re-invented the genre 20 years ago with his “stately homo” persona. Anyway, as Ravers puts it: “I’m in Parky’s chair… looking plain, asking the questions, nodding a lot. It’s Bette that makes it so interesting. His life is amazing.”

Anyone else thinking Frost/Nixon?

Oh wait. On closer inspection, they’re not just letting anyone be in the play. They’re looking for famous comic names. “I’ll be shoving a script under Stewart Lee’s door” Mark explains, “or Fenella Fielding, maybe.”

Oh well, I don’t think he has my address. Maybe I’d better take all my stuff off eBay and not move to Scotland after all.

Then again, it is the Edinburgh festival, where performers outnumber spectators 350-1, so perhaps there will be other audience participation slots that I can get involved with? It’s amazing that no one’s ever thought about this before!

Oh wait, yeah, they have thought about it before. Paul “That’s magic” Daniels has been doing that sort of thing for years. Bruce Forsythe’s Price is Right used a similar shatteringly post-modern casting method, too. Even Ravenhill’s done it before. In 2007 he did the same thing with his response to the Iraq War, Shoot/Get Treasure/Repeat.

Maybe this isn’t my big break at all then. (Sigh) Back to the computer screen. Wah, Wah, Waahh.

Mark Ravenhill’s A Life in Three Acts will play at the Traverse between 18 - 30 August.

The Donmar’s production of Hamlet starring Jude Law has been attracting harsh words since its inception in 2007. The Guardian’s Andrew Dickson suggested that Law’s casting was perhaps not the wisest, describing the actor as “at best, mediocre.”

That blog was written a fair old while ago, back in the heady days of 2007 but recently it’s been resurrected and it’s causing a whole new round of controversy.

According to a far more recent blog on the Guardian, Jude Law’s people contacted the paper and requested they take down their earlier blog which suggested that Law might not be all that good.

Does this strike anyone else as utterly ridiculous? Surely the good people at Premier PR are aware how freedom of speech works? Fair enough they did not demand the blog was taken down but even the request is pretty offensive. To me it basically translates as:

“We appreciate that you have an opinion but we’d be really grateful if you didn’t express it on the interwebs. People may read your opinion and lose their ability to form one of their own”

It’s insulting to Mr Dickson to request his work be removed and it’s insulting to the general public to assume that we are incapable of seeing that the blog was written years ago. Yes the offending blog was still rather high up on google but people are more than capable of discerning between a recent review and an out-of-date opinion piece regarding one particular actor.

Urgh, as if this little hiccup was not enough, who remembers the David Tennant using a human skull online drama? I’ll refresh your memories, when it came out that the skull of André Tchaikowsky may be used on-stage in the RSC’s Hamlet, a little flurry of very well timed publicity blew up around the production. The skull was never used in the end but ticket sales were incredible. Quelle surprise!

Well guess which other high-profile Hamlet now has its own human skull?! You guessed it, the Donmar’s version. Unfortunately being over the age of 7 prevents me shouting COPYCAT! all over the place. I’m sure the Donmar’s team have a very legitimate and arty reason to obtain their own former human bonce but it strikes me as borrowed interest.

I feel at this point that I should say that both of these problems have absolutely nothing to do with the artistic content of the show. My grievance does not lay with Mr Law, The Donmar or Shakespeare, it’s with the PR and marketing folk, surely the Donmar could do better?!

Anyway, everyone at Sister Act seemed to appreciate our efforts and more than a few photos were taken by inquisitive theatre-goers. If you happen to have spotted us, email in and let us know, if you’ve got pictures send them too and we’ll add them to the slideshow.

Performed in a huge tent, visitors to the show will be immersed in a colourful world of images five times’ bigger than those at the puny IMAX cinema. With un-matched clarity and definition, the team behind the animations come from Hollywood movies like Toy Story and Spiderman.

What’s more, it seems that believing in fairies is no longer the issue. Tinker Bell’s going to be 15ft high and be buzzing round the big top like a huge space-wasp!

No, I joke: there are definitely no space wasps.

In fact, the production sticks pretty close to JM Barrie’s original play and is the first time the show will return to Kensington Gardens, one of the settings for the original, in over 100 years. A little more hi-tech than the last time it was performed in the capital, the new state-of-the-art version is directed by Ben Harrison and boasts 360-degree CGI. The new Pan is certainly going to be an experience.

One of the most celebrated aspects of the show is the breathtaking four-minute flight the children take over London. Flying through the stunning animations, the production shows the gang whizz around the great dome of St. Paul’s. The staggering sequence took 200 computers over two-and-a-half weeks to complete.

The show also boasts some rather familiar faces, Ciaran Kellgren from C4’s Shameless plays Peter Pan while Captain Hook is played by Jonathan Hyde, who featured in the 1997 film Titanic.

Opening tonight, Peter Pan will play at Kensington Gardens until 30 August. If you want to enjoy the magical (well, I say magical, I’ve just spent the last 300 words describing how a team of technical boffins took nearly two years to put it together) show I’d advise you book early. This is one London experience you’ll not want miss out on: You’ll Neverland forgive yourself!

Okay, so people in the West End weren’t exactly singing and dancing when the big banks started collapsing - oh wait; no, they probably were come to think of it: that’s their job. Okay, so they weren’t over the moon when British fiscal policy went belly up, but neither, if you remember, were they all down in the doomy-gloomy doldrums. Oliver!, for example, was being billed by all and sundry as the West End’s antidote to the looming recession. A huge success, the show seemed to promise, in its infectious cockney squeak, that maybe life wasn’t that bad after all. 

 
Naturally, a swathe of quick-witted producers wasted no time in closing some rather malodorous turkeys under the banner: “Due to the current financial climate… [blah, blah, blah, blah]“, but how genuine were the performers feeling the proverbial pinch?

Well, the truth might be: ‘rather a lot actually. Ouch! Ooouww! Stop it! Stop that!’ 

Look around, apart from fairly limply received new musicals like Shout!, or the Craig Revel Horwood revival of Sunset Boulevard, some really big shows are winding down.

Spring Awakening won half a gezillion awards in the US. It scooped Tonys left, right and centre and was generally considered to be the greatest musical since bread came all sliced up. Even at the Novello Theatre, the Blair/Frost/Cloughie chameleon Michael Sheen described the London show on Twitter as: “one of the most thrilling and moving experiences I’ve ever had”. 

Blimey.
 
 Our reviewer was rather taken with the show too; check out the Show and Stay Spring Awakening review - rather a handsome chap too, so I’ve heard.

However, the chalk was on the blackboard and the fairly racy teen musical posted early closing notices a couple of weeks back. 

Even the biblically successful Joseph is closing; but then that’s because it’s just run its course rather than anything else. Okay, so, maybe scratch that one of the list, but it’s still makes you think doesn’t it? It’s like a game of Hang Tough: who’s going to be next to plunge to the crash-mat? Phantom of the Opera? Les Miserables? I wouldn’t count on it; I’m not sure anyone will catch old Andrew Lloyd Webber in the queue down the job centre just yet.

Adieu!

It’s all got something to do with the recording of the album apparently, it has to be completely rerecorded and so won’t be ready for another six or seven months. Therefore, what are we all going to do in the meantime? Take up cross-stitch? I don’t think so. No, let’s get our thinking caps on and see if we can’t come up with some ideas to plug up  Webber’s wafty schedule.

Maybe a touring production could fill the void? Joseph Fiennes is currently wowing theatre-goers in Chichester with his performance of the schnozzle-faced hero Cyrano de Bergerac. Directed by Sir Trevor Nunn, The Times’s theatre critic Benedict Nightingale gave the production four stars and even closed the review by admitting “a West End transfer could be well worth it”.

What do you think? You keen on that? If that’s not up your nostril, maybe something else could tickle your fancy?

With 70s sitcom Porridge being given the West End makeover, maybe other TV programmes could bridge the gap at the Adelphi?

What about… Till Death Us Do Part? No wait, Alf Garnett probably wouldn’t fly with West End sensibilities. That’s more trouble than it’s worth. Carrying on the old Richard Beckinsale vibe from Porridge, what about they do Rising Damp? Oh wait, yeah, I don’t like Rising Damp. No, not that then… Dad’s Army! Got it! Dad’s Army; it’s perfect. Think about it: a great big musical spectacular about the Home Guard. All the characters could be there, belting out numbers. “Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler? Dum da da da da dah dum daaa.” There’s Captain Mainwaring, Sergeant Wilson, Lance-Corporal Jones - this is going to be great. Imagine it:

German Officer: (singing) Was?! Was?! Was ist your name boy!? | You naughty little tyke!

Capt. Mainwaring: (singing) Don’t you tell them anything, | Don’t tell them, Pike.

German Officer: (singing) Ah Pike! (flourish) Pike! (flourish) His name is Pike! Ha-ha-haha ha ha, his name is Pike. Psyche.

See, this thing writes itself!

Okay, so it might need a little work. But what do you think? Got any ideas for shows you’d like to see in West End’s Adelphi?