Show the wonder.

New home, new blog.

2013-08-15T08:55:00.001-07:00

Hi friends. We are back living in the US, and I've begun writing at a new location. You can find me at www.withglitteringeyesblog.com.

Hope to see you over there :)

We Three.

2013-07-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

"We Three."

Home.

Saturday night.

9pm.

Feeling empty.

Craving coffee.

(craving connection.)

Considering.

Doubting.

Deciding to try.

Hesitating.

Calling.

Two yes’?

TWO YES’!

Elevator.

Bus ride.

Two smiling faces.

Coffee, hot chocolate, italian soda.

Elevator.

Food court.

People.

A LOT of people.

McDonalds.

Empty table found.

Three seats filled.

Smiles.

Laughter.

Joy.

Transparency.

Walls crashing down.

More laughter.

Funny puns.

Even funnier puns.

Serious conversation.

Understanding.

Light conversation.

Understanding.

Joking.

Teasing.

Still laughing.

Hours passing.

Busy cafeteria emptying.

Chairs being stacked.

Clock nearing midnight.

Elevator.

Parking garage.

Little blue car.

Directions.

AIR CONDITIONING.

One smiling face leaving.

More driving.

Hearts spilling.

Little blue car pulling away.

Joy in heart.

Laughter still on lips.

Relishing.

Feeling restored.

Elevator.

Home.

'Burned and blazed.'

2013-06-30T10:04:00.001-07:00

"Words on a Tombstone"

Source

Do practical things if you want your tombstone to read,

"They were practical."

Do what makes sense if you think it should say,

"Their life made sense."

Do what the world wants if you believe in the epitaph,

"They did what the world wanted them to do."

But if you want it to read,

"They lived every second they were given

and touched the sky every chance they had,

they burned and blazed in all the colours the eye can see,

and left a hole shaped like them in the world

when they left."

Then do something else.

A Springtime Update.

2013-05-22T08:57:00.002-07:00

One year ago, we left our home in Michigan for a life in Central Asia. I was excited, pregnant, nervous, hopeful, optimistic, and a little scared! It is so weird to think that a full rotation around the sun has already taken place since last May, but, that’s how life always feels, isn’t it?

My “Five Year Journal” tells me what I was doing each day of May last year. Instead of reliving the excitement as I make my way through the journal, a weird sinking feeling sets into my abdomen. I knew this would be a difficult year but I suppose I didn’t fully understand just how challenging it would be. How much I would change. I guess I was naive (hopfeul?) to think that all of the changes that would take place would be positive, wasn’t I? Ah well... it’s ok. If I had come here pessimistically, surely I wouldn’t have survived. Sometimes, ignorance really can be bliss :-P.

Lets see... how have I changed? I guess I could start with the positive changes I can see in myself... For example, I can cook now! and not just open-this-can-and-this-box-and-mix-it-together kind of cooking. Like, homemade cooking, people. I mean, I can make my own croutons and cream of mushroom soup! Not that those are particularly difficult foods to manage, but considering we lived off of eating out and pasta in America, I am impressed with myself haha. What else? Umm, I can take a bus. I can take a bus with a stroller. I can carry on a conversation in another language. I can walk a long distance in high heels. I can function off of 4 hour chunks of sleep. I can do receipts and manage our finances. I can see the good in normal things I wouldn’t have thought twice about in America, and I have learned how to celebrate every bit of joy that comes with any positive experience. My heart has grown at least 3 sizes because of the little girl that I birthed in November. Regardless of how difficult a situation is, once it has passed, I can always find a way to laugh about it. I’ve learned an entirely new level of being a good friend to others and what ‘being there’ for someone really means.

On the other side, I’m much more cynical than I was before. I would estimate that 1/3 of my Facebook Friends are ‘hidden’ from my feed because I just don’t have the patience for the amount of whining and complaining that some people do. (My tolerance level for bad attitudes is at an all time low.) I’m less hopeful about what our life can mean and be here. I spend a lot of time on the internet because sometimes being connected to America is the only thing that keeps me sane (Here’s looking at you, Skype and FaceTime!). I didn’t realize my adult self was still capable of having temper tantrums but, unfortunately, I am. When I am struggling and there is no obvious reason for it, my brain usually settles on just being mad at Josh. I actually feel further from God now than I did when I got here.

Overall, I think the positives are outweighing the negatives. I’m thankful for this journey. It has forced me to understand myself in new and deeper ways. It has forced me far enough outside of my comfort zone on a consistent basis that my comfort zone is much wider than it ever was in the past. I’ve realized that I AM brave, and that I am both stronger and weaker than I thought I was.

I think I am finding a healthy balance of how to be ‘Leslie’ in another culture, while still embracing and respecting this culture for its own social norms. I wear clothes with color. I say “Thank you” to the bus drivers. I dance in the elevator when I’m in it alone because everyone is so serious in this city and sometimes, I just need to be silly. I smile at people on the street. I make small talk with the workers at our coffee shop even though they don’t talk back very much. (Though my friendliness gets me extra stamps on my ‘frequent visitor’ card from time to time). I still write blog posts... although they must remain unpublished. I’m still me, just a different ‘me’ than I was a year ago.

I am starting this next year of life here with a more, shall we say, cautious hope. I can only imagine what this year holds. (Travels... struggles... pregnancy #2.... visits from friends and family...?). It is, of course, very nice to be back in this space... even if it’s just for a brief visit. As always, thank you for reading!

'Zee Bump.

2012-10-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

Well, hello!

It's been a long time since I've seen this space. Well, a long time since I've seen this space and been able to actually post what I've written.

Life in our little family is going quite well overseas, but I am currently on a short hiatus from our foreign home to have our baby! I flew 22 hours last Wednesday - at 35 weeks pregnant - to make it back to our little hometown to await the arrival of our sweet daughter... yes, daughter! (Oh and if you're wondering if extremely pregnant women get upgraded to empty seats in first class like I was, they don't.) Josh is flying back on November 7 and our little Piper Grace should be here some time around the 21st of November.

I've taken several pics of 'the bump' along the way, and I just wanted a place to compile them. Now that I'm back in the US and I think blogging is ok for a couple of months, I'm going to go ahead and post a few here :)

I hope you're all doing well! It's exciting to be able to share a little bit of life with you, again :)

11 weeks.

When I first felt like I kinda maybe sorta saw a bump.

17 weeks

18 weeks

19 weeks.

This is when people started giving up their seats for me on the bus :)

20 weeks! Halfway!

22 weeks.

On my way to a baby shower thrown by my friends.

This is also the day Josh felt Piper kick for the first time :)

It's also the only time I have ever worn red lipstick during our time overseas, ha!

24 Weeks.

Walking on the Boulevard.

25 weeks.

In Istanbul on the Sea of Marmara

29 Weeks....

30.

31 weeks

33 weeks and a belly button that popped!

34 weeks.

Josh made it home when I was exactly 38 weeks pregnant!

We had some unnaturally beautiful weather in November, so Josh and Brad hung Christmas lights and I sat outside and watched.

Sometime in the 39th week, Josh and I started walking to the movie theater that was two miles away to see movies. Partially because we are walkers now that we live in a big city AND, we totally wanted to 'walk that baby out'! It was cold, so I couldn't button my coat all of the way, haha.

Posing with my 'big' sister. She was already working on her bond with Piper :)

The last pictures I have of my bump are shadows. These pictures were taken at 39 weeks 4 days into my pregnancy. Piper came two days later!

Mega-Post

2012-05-15T15:25:00.001-07:00

"Terminal C16"

I'm writing this post from Terminal C16 at Chicago O'Hare airport. We are waiting to board our flight to Frankfurt Germany. My stomach is full of McDonalds (sorry Baby M, but Mama needed one more emotional binge meal) and my heart is full of ache over the grueling experience of saying 'goodbye' to my family.

I've had so many things I've been thinking about and wanting to blog about, so I think I'm just going to sit here and write a bit. This will probably end up being an exceptionally long post, but for once I will not consider that and merely write. It also might be my last blog post ever (which hardly feels like something to cry over now). I still haven't figured out what method I'm going to be using to continue writing, all I know is that I need to continue writing. As I said before, I will probably continue writing in blog-post style, however it will most likely end up being just an email list that goes out to whoever wants it. So, if you want it, please email me and let me know. (showthewonder@gmail.com). I'm not expecting a huge response from this but I figured I might as well put the offer out there, yeah?

"A Surprise Baby Shower"

Well, where to start? I think I will start by telling you a lovely story about a time that I gave something up to God, but He decided to give it back to me. Last summer, I attended the baby shower of my close friend Rachel. I had a bit of a struggle with it, though, because as I sat there I realized that I would never get to have one for myself. At least not one with my mom, sisters, aunts, cousins, grandma's etc etc. I had a bit of a pout session where I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself and finally said, "Ok God. It's yours. I surrender my expectation and 'need' of a baby shower to You." Well, two weeks ago, my very close friends threw me a surprise baby shower. and I was genuinely surprised! It was truly such a special experience. My Mom, grandma's, one sister, cousins, aunts, and many friends made it. I had friends there from Ohio, Ann Arbor, Lansing, and Frankenmuth. It was incredible. I felt so loved and cried twice over the course of the night. What a treasure to have been given back something that I had 'given up'. I am so thankful for friends like Emily and Nicole who love me enough to create an experience like that for me. I mean, have you ever gone to a baby shower for someone who is only 10 weeks pregnant? That's just, ricraycray. (Which is also my new favorite phrase. It is a combo of 'ridiculous' and 'cray cray'.. which is slang for 'crazy'. Ricraycray. Just say it once and you'll be hooked.)

Anywho, here are a few pictures Emily took of that night.

"Nurse Buddy"

The hardest part of my first trimester of pregnancy had to be the intense fatigue that I experienced. My first trimester ends tomorrow and I am so thankful that I never once threw up! Hooray! I did experience feelings of nausea, though, and took many-a-nap to make myself feel better. Our little dog Buddy, it turns out, is quite the little companion for anyone that's feeling sick. He would come lay with me every single time I wasn't feeling well and he would stay with me until I finally got up. Because of this, I started calling him, "Nurse Buddy". Towards the end of my first trimester, every time I went to lay down I would just call out, "Nurse Buddy! Nurse Buddy! I need you! Mama doesn't feel so good!" and he would come running right to my rescue. On our last day together, I needed a nap and called out to him and he came right away. I asked Josh to get a picture of it and I am just so glad that he did. Man, I'm gonna miss that little guy.

P.S. I don't usually sleep with flowers in my hair, but we had just gotten back from a wedding and sleeping was more important than the time it would take to remove a flower from my hair.

"On Saying Goodbye"

In the process of leaving, there have been many (many many many many) goodbyes. Until today, the hardest had been saying goodbye to Buddy and Emily who adopted Buddy with her husband, Mike on Sunday. I cried so much that entire day that my contacts had a layer of salt on them, people. SALT. ON MY CONTACTS. There was something about saying goodbye to him that felt so final. I think that it wasn't just giving my dog away, but I think it was all that he represented in my life. Stability. Home. Joy. Consistency. It was as if all of those things drove away from my life in the same car as that little dog. I miss him a lot, but am thankful two of our best friends are going to give him such a wonderful home and life.

Also, I have learned something interesting about saying goodbye the last few weeks, and that something interesting is that I think it is perfectly acceptable to hug men. Now, many of you who are reading this are probably thinking, "Uh yeah of course it is" but if you're a part of the Christian community you might be thinking, "Well, only if its a side huge." To that I say, hogwash! I just realized that I do. not. care. about the expectation in parts of the Christian community that say men and women should never ever hug. I have many good male friends that I am going to miss a lot and darn it, I gave them hugs before we left. and it was fine and my marriage is still awesome and Josh didn't feel weird about it either. So there.

"The last few weeks of life in Michigan"

We were so blessed to have a lot of fun experiences before we left for our next adventure. We have a lot of wonderful people in our life and I feel very rich and full from the times that we have been able to share with them the last few weeks.

Our flight is boarding, friends. So I've gotta go. Thanks for being on this journey with me!

Let it be said of me.

2012-05-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

"They say there is a young lady in [New Haven] who is beloved of that almighty Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on him--that she expects after a while to be received up where he is, to be raised out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love, favor and delight, forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and sweetness of temper, uncommon purity in her affections; is most just and praiseworthy in all her actions; and you could not persuade her to do anything thought wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness and universal benevolence of mind; especially after those times in which this great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about, singing sweetly, from place to [place]; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure, and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, and to wander in the fields and on the mountains, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her." -Jonathan Edwards talking about his wife.

(Thank you to Rylie for posting this today on her blog and inspiring me!)

A glimpse of where we'll be living.

2012-05-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

In less than two weeks we will call this beautiful city full of beautiful people our home. We are so excited!

The Source of Others' Unhappiness.

2012-05-02T20:42:00.000-07:00

Josh and I wrote our own wedding vows to each other. (Posted here if you'd like to see them!) One thing I specifically promised Josh was this:

"By God's grace, I promise to fulfill your emotional and physical needs, and to never ever become a source of your unhappiness."

This particular vow keeps popping into my mind lately, but not in relation to our marriage. (Personally, I think I've kept that promise to Josh pretty well so far!) The problem is that I am currently the source of a lot of unhappiness for a lot of people. Primarily, the people I care about the most in the entire world. Not because I've been mean or cruel to them, but because we are moving away for three years and having our first child far away from friends and family. (Which is its own odd form of cruelty, now that I think about it.) Despite the fact that I know our families and friends are happy for us and support us, I know that our pending departure is causing them a lot of pain, sadness, and unhappiness. If I'm being completely honest with you, it is downright one of the most horrible things I have ever experienced.

Because my very nature is to be an encourager and to be positive. So when my best friend's are crying and I am the source of their tears, I have no idea how to operate or navigate a situation like that. What words do I say? ("I'm sorry" feels shallow and insincere and "It's going to be okay" feels like I'm dismissive and lame.) As excited as we are to go on this adventure, everyone else is staying behind. We get to explore a new city, make new friends, meet new people, struggle, grow, have exciting new experiences, and learn a language. Everyone we are leaving behind will continue living whatever adventure they are currently living, just minus Josh and Leslie.

So I'm left saying things like, "Well hey, we aren't leaving for two more weeks!" and "It's only three years!" and "We can Skype all the time!" and "Lifelong friends can handle three years apart!". The truth is, though, that the distance sucks and we have a lot of people who are close to us who are going to have to mourn the fact that we will be absent from their lives.

and I hate it. I hate being the source of their pain. The coward in me wants to just leave unannounced; steal away in the middle of the night. Skip the emotional goodbyes that are becoming increasingly difficult and increasingly closer every day. The encourager in me wants to vanish and reappear on the other side of the planet and not face the fact that we are hurting a lot of people; people we love.

I just... I don't know how to navigate this. I haven't read a book about relationships with any chapters titled, "Tips on How to Handle Being the Source of Your Loved One's Pain"or "How to Navigate Leaving and Comforting Those Who Are Being Left". All I can do is try to stay positive and resort to speaking the truth.

"It's ok to cry. I've been crying too, and I'm really, really going to miss you."

"Parking for Expectant Mothers"

2012-05-01T21:10:00.003-07:00

Ok so, I didn't actually park here. The spot was already taken... PLUS I don't' think I could've slept at night if my 11 week pregnant self took a spot and an 8 month pregnant lady had to walk a mile into the mall.

But I'm still glad I got a picture with it!

Bruce, Bruce, Baby.

2012-04-26T20:01:00.001-07:00

I haven't actually taken the time to craft a legitimate Bucket List, but there are a few items that are on this not-yet-existing list that are complete no-brainers. One of those items has always been:

Attend a Bruce Springsteen concert with my Mom and big sister, Lindsay.

Why, you ask? Well, I grew up listening to Bruce Springsteen. My Mom has always said, "I've been in love with two men my entire life, Bruce Springsteen and my husband, and I married one of them!". My favorite Christmas songs are Bruce's and I've always loved watching my Mom dance and sing along to his music. I could go on but basically, Bruce Springsteen sang the soundtrack of my childhood.

It just so happens that Bruce is on tour right now, and was in Detroit a couple of weeks ago. I found out a little late, though, and my Mom had already made plans to see him there with her hubby and some friends. I was a little disappointed, of course, but knew that he's a legend and I would probably still get to see him some day in concert.

However, I underestimated my Mom's 'fun gene'. Just a few days after he performed in Detroit, he was scheduled to perform in Cleveland. I jokingly mentioned to Mom that we could drive to Cleveland on a Tuesday night (a 4 hour drive on a work night) and was shocked when my Mom called on Monday night and said, "Well, do you want to go? I'm going to get us tickets!"

We all decided that fun trumps sleep and with my pending departure, there is no time like the present to make a great memory! We bought tickets and left our little town in West Michigan in the early afternoon to make it in time to see The Boss in Cleveland.

and let me just tell you, IT WAS SO WORTH IT.

Of course, we didn't quite make it home problem free. At about 3:00am and an hour away from home, we got a little visit and souvenir from the Michigan State Police. He delivered our ticket with an apathetic, "Sorry to put a damper on your night". (Though I highly doubted the sincerity of his apology!)

I am just so thankful for the fun experience and that my Mom has been a living example of what it looks like to seize life and make the most of every moment!

A lil update for my blogging friends :)

2012-04-18T13:21:00.001-07:00

Hi friends!

My last post was a bit of a downer blog, I know, but I'm determined to stay authentic and honest during this transition to a new home in a new country. Thank you for your grace and encouraging words, I appreciate them immensely!

I am really super happy to share with you that Josh and I are officially 100% funded, which means that we have full clearance to head overseas! We sent in our visa paperwork on Monday and are waiting for the "go ahead" to buy our plane tickets! Hooray! Hoorah! It's finally here! At this point, we are looking at May 14 or 15 as our potential departure date. We decided to wait until then for several reasons:

1. We have friends getting married on the 11th and 12th and we thought that would be very much worth staying for.

2. I will finally be out of my first trimester that week!

3. Waiting four weeks will give us proper time to decompress from fundraising as well as sufficient time to say 'goodbye' to our friends and family here.

Overall, we are feeling super confident that this is the best plan for us. All along in this process I have simply trusted that God would work things out for us to leave exactly when we are supposed to, and that is precisely what's happening! In fact, I just remarked to Josh the other day about how our original plan of starting to try for a baby once we arrived in our new home was completely flawed. Now that I am experiencing what a first trimester is actually like, I am SO thankful that I didn't have to go through it at the same time as adjusting to a new life/culture/home/language/diet. That would have been too much for my delicate heart and exhausted body to handle, and I am just thankful that God knew me better than I knew myself, and timed everything so that we will be leaving at the start of my second trimester. Grace, I tell you, grace!

As far as pregnancy symptoms go, I am under the impression that I am experiencing a bit of an easier trimester than most, which only makes me feel worse when I handle it poorly! I truly didn't know that this was the level of exhaustion I would be functioning in, or that my sense of taste and smell would change so much, or that I would have a nearly constant bad taste in my mouth (imagine sucking on a penny after every meal and that's about what it's like), or that I would just feel downright lousy on most days. Still, I am so incredibly thankful to share that today I am officially 9 weeks pregnant. Every day I get to be Momma to this little baby is a great day, and I am so thankful for the ease of pregnancy I have had so far.

and I suppose the last bit of news to share is something that I've known for a while but have been putting off writing about because it makes me sad. When we move, I'm going to have to stop most forms of social media, most disappointingly, I'm going to have to stop blogging. I've known this for a while and I suppose it's been responsible for my lack of regular posting the last couple of months. I don't know if I will be able to pick it up again at any point during our 3 years overseas. I do know, however, that writing in this space has been excellent outlet for my creativity and has been an intregal part of my emotional and mental health/sanity the last few years. There is something about writing about life that helps me to make sense of what I'm feeling, or to see the meaning and reason behind life's best and worst experiences. That being said, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do to continue writing. I'm thinking about just creating a private email list that will essentially still be blog posts, they will just be directly sent to friends/family/anonymous readers (I know you're there...) Once I figure out exactly what I want and will be able to do, I will let you all know!

If you've made it all the way to the end of this post, then you deserve at least one picture. How about this one, of my sweet husband delivering flowers, a card, and tiny baby socks the day after we found out we're expecting? Ohhhh it just melts my heart every time I look at it!

A few honest thoughts about moving, change, and time travel.

2012-04-09T20:32:00.002-07:00

I've been thinking about this 'secret' from the Postsecret blog quite a bit lately.

Recently, I asked Josh a simple question, but one that I have found myself repeating over and over in my head.

"Do you think that right now, the life we are currently living, is the happiest we will ever be?"

Because I've gotta tell ya, our life currently is filled with so much love and joy that I can't help but think the answer to that question is a big, loud, resounding "yes". This - right here - is the happiest we will ever be. Not that it's all down hill from here... I just keep thinking that, at the end of my life, if I could time travel to any phase of my life, I think that the one I am currently living in would have to be an excellent choice.

My family all lives within a block of one another.

Josh and I are so so so happily married.

We are expecting a baby!

We have the cutest pup.

Our family is alive and well and healthy.

We have rich, deep friendships that fill our lives with meaning.

I just... I don't know how it could get better. Maybe once I meet this little one I will, but right now I'm just standing in awe of the moment that we are living.

and I think tonight I'm feeling a little sad because I can feel the moment slipping away from me. Brian and Kyrie (my twin brother and sister-in-love) are moving to California on Thursday. I am so happy for them and so proud of them and so excited for them, but this is going to be one of the first big goodbyes that I'm going to have to do. Brian and I have never lived more than 45 minutes apart and now we will, quite literally, be on opposite sides of the planet. Separated by a 12 hour time difference! Their relocation marks the end of a glorious 10 months where we all lived so close together we could walk to each other's homes in less than a minute. Quite honestly, it's really sad to think about.

Did I cherish it enough? Did I take it for granted? I don't know. All I know is that I have about 5 weeks left to enjoy the rest of the life we've built and created here and then it's time to start over from scratch in a new country. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm excited about the move we are making, I just think that tonight the not-so-exciting part has hit me rather hard. Plus I'm pregnant so... emotional double whammy.

Tonight, as I allowed myself to cry over the fact that my dog isn't going to be my dog anymore, I started thinking about the fact that people much braver than me blazed trails for the gospel in places much darker and remote than we are moving. Did you know that the first missionaries to Sierra Lyon packed their belongings in caskets, knowing that they were never coming home but would end up being sent back in them? Does that not BLOW YOUR MIND? As I cried tonight I thought about them. What did they know about Jesus that I don't? What gave them the courage to leave under those grim circumstances, and I'm a blubbering fool who will be able to Skype with my family hours after I land in our new home? What am I not understanding about the gospel that they got?

I'm going to make the most of the next five(ish) weeks. I'm not going to let myself fall prematurely apart (although I'm fighting tears for the 4th time while writing this) but I am going to imagine, probably a lot, that I've time traveled back and am re-living this brief season of complete joy in my own past. Perhaps it will help me get a full grasp on how blessed I really am, and help me to squeeze out every ounce of life that is left to be lived here.

A liiiiittle Soap Box.

2012-03-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

Singing reality shows really irritate me. Every season, what appears to be an untalented "ugly" person comes out on stage. The judges are, of course, skeptical of this persons worth. The crowd has already categorized them into the blooper reel category as they exchange skeptical looks that say, "Who does this guy think he is?" and "Well, this should be good". Everyone is on the edge of their seats; waiting for what is sure to be the moment of disaster for this person's confidence and self worth. They're all practically drooling as the exposure of his imminent failure arrives...

....until it doesn't! What's this? He's got an amazing voice! How could this be? An "ugly" person with talent?! Shocking! We... we love him! We love him so much we're going to stand and cheer and cry! He.... he's going to win! How wrong we were! Our hero! Bring him a crown! What a huge surprise! I'm so inspired!

and Simon takes this wrongfully judged person's talent all the way to the bank.

and we all get a touching little lesson on not judging people.

Until next year.

When the entire scene plays out again.

As much as I enjoy watching people overcome and beat the odds that have been stacked highly against them, I will never support shows that promote this sort of cruel judgement of others. Because more often than not, the person being judged who may not be all that talented is simply being exploited for money and ratings. There they are - chasing a dream - only to be embarrassed on national television and youtube forevermore. While the rest of the world sits back and feels reassured that, hey, we might not be all that special, but at least we aren't as bad as that guy.

Gag.

Thoughts on Pregnancy: Fear Management.

2012-03-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

One pregnancy symptom that very few pregnancy books, websites, and blogs talk about is fear. I've always known that Moms worry for the well being and the safety of their children, what I didn't know is that the concern starts almost immediately.

It's a fear that I've never really known before and that I'm just learning how to get a handle on. I have never wanted anything as much as I've wanted this little child growing inside of me. To be completely honest, having my hopes this high is a somewhat terrifying experience. I have never dared to hope for such an amazing miracle before. I have always wanted to be a Mom but a gift of this magnitude is nothing I'd consider actually hoping for in the past.

The other day I was feeling so worried about everything. Will it be healthy? Will it be born in the perfect circumstances? Will it be born at all? For being such an incredible miracle, it sure is shrouded in a lot of mystery and not a lot of guarantee that everything is going to be alright. As I tumbled down the rabbit hole of fear and worry I finally was able to stop myself and get a grip on my emotions. I finally considered the simple truth that as much as this baby is mine, it is primarily His first. So I humbled myself and my need for control and reassurance and I surrendered the little life within me to the One who gave it to me in the first place. As I finished my very first prayer offering this sesame-seed sized baby up to the Lord, I wondered, in my heart, how many times I would have to mutter those very same words over the course of this child's life. (And if there is a way to possibly count to a number that high.)

For now I find comfort in simple things like a busy restaurant. I look around a room and instead of seeing 32 people eating, I see 32 healthy and successful pregnancies. Maybe that's silly but for whatever reason, it's comforting to me! The entire way that I look at the world is beginning to change, and I'd say it's mostly for the better, at this point.

Anyway, I've decided to stop taking my fears to google and to take them to the Father instead. This has proven to be the only way to calm this Momma's heart and the only way to trust that even if everything doesn't work out the way I want it to, it will still work out exactly the way it is meant to.

The Birth Control Quest: Oh, baby!

2012-03-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

So that whole Fertility Awareness Method/Natural Family planning thing?

Worked exquisitely!

This was our first month trying to get pregnant and we were successful! If y'all thought I was a huge advocate for this method of family planning before, you can pretty much consider me the President of their nonexistent fan club now! We successfully avoided pregnancy for 8 months and achieved it in 1. We are so overwhelmingly humbled and thankful because we know that this simply is not the case for many couples. We covet your prayers for the poppy-seed sized life that is growing within me!

How we're feeling about the whole thing:

The kind of friends everyone hopes to have.

2012-03-19T14:55:00.003-07:00

This weekend, several of our very close friends came up to spend the weekend with us. Rob & Kate drove from Kentucky and Chris, Rachel, & Ainsley from Ohio. It was the most beautiful St. Patty's day weekend I have ever experienced (and not just because of the weather!)

We spent a lot of time outside...

Buddy and Ainsley became fast friends! She giggled like crazy Friday night whenever he got close. By Sunday afternoon, he was giving her lots of slobbery kisses (which we all discouraged) but was pretty cute nonetheless!

The girls also treated themselves to pedicures :)

We are so blessed to have the kind of friends that cheesy movies are made of, the kind of friends that everyone hopes to have, and the kind of friends that fill life with joy and laughter and depth and meaning.

(...and distance means very little with friendships like that!)

A Surprise Vacation!

2012-03-14T06:02:00.002-07:00

Last week, I went on a surprise vacation to the Dominican Republic with my Mom! It was just the two of us and we had so. much. fun!

This was our ride to the Detroit airport. (A two hour drive, mind you!) Our family is having what can only be described as a mild "car shortage" and this work truck was our only way of getting there! Needless to say, it was a rather bumpy ride but quite worth the discomfort to go on a tropical vacation!

Our room was absolutely spectacular! This was a business trip for company my parents own, so not only was everything all inclusive, but it was also the must luxurious trip we've ever taken!

The first night we went to the large group dinner. There happened to be another group that, for whatever reason, had a fake red carpet with fake paparazzi. Not able to pass up on the potential funny pictures, Mom and I snuck over and took a couple of our own shots!

We spent a lot of time resting on the beach, reading, resting, swimming in the waves, and more resting. We didn't want to have a vacation that left us tired and untanned, so we were quite intentional about the 'resting' part of things :)

On Friday morning, I was sitting out on our balcony and I noticed some people riding bikes. I thought to myself, "Hey, that looks really fun!". Later in the day my Mom said, "I know this might be kind of cheesy... but I think the bikes look really fun." to which I replied an emphatic, "ME TOO!" So, we rode bikes twice! It was such a treat to vacation with my Mom because we are so similar that we both could kind of read each other's minds which resulted in a very fun vacation!

After our first bike ride, we got all dolled up for dinner together! I finally got to wear this perfectly fitting red dress my Mom got me for my birthday. It is so feminine and modest and I don't think I've ever felt so lovely in a dress! and don't you just love my Mom's polka dot dress?

Mom and I also created a "Vacation Bucket List". It included things like the afore mentioned bike riding, using the jacuzzi in our room, getting little braids in our hair with a bead at the end (a vacation tradition), massages, and.... the giant plastic water balls that we saw in the pool when we first arrived. We decided that we HAD to do them. It was absolutely hilarious and worth all of the embarrassment of looking like complete fools in front of a bunch of people!

The employees who ran this particular activity told us, "It's not hard, you just have to follow our instructions." aaaaand then they didn't' give us any instructions beyond, "Just stand up! Yes, just stand up and walk forward. Yes yes, stand up!" Oh language barriers, how they certainly make vacations so much more interesting!

A brief moment of success on my end. I'm pretty sure 10 seconds later I was looking more like Mom in the picture above!

On our last night, we once again got all dressed up and went out to the final dinner. I was so excited to wear what I call my "Taylor Swift" dress. I wish that I had more reasons to get dressed up back home because I would wear this dress all. the. time.

On Sunday morning we walked for the last time across the resort and took a couple of final pictures.

It was an amazing vacation and I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity to have my Mom all to myself for a few days!

Belly Laughs.

2012-03-06T08:09:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine posted this video on her Facebook page yesterday aaaaand it made me laugh uncontrollably. So, I'm posting it here.

Last night, Josh and I danced around our kitchen floor while listening to it; interpreting each note with our own rhythmic movements.

It. was. amazing.

"So I Stay Near the Door"

2012-03-05T07:00:00.001-08:00

"So I Stay Near the Door"

By Reverend Canon Samuel Moor Shoemaker, Jr., D.D., S.T.D.

I stay near the door.
I neither go too far in, nor stay too far out,
The door is the most important door in the world–
It is the door through which men walk when they find God.
There’s no use my going way inside, and staying there,
When so many are still outside, and they, as much as I,
Crave to know where the door is.
And all that so many ever find
Is only the wall where a door ought to be.
They creep along the wall like blind men,
With outstretched, groping hands,
Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,
Yet they never find it - - -
So I stay near the door.
The most tremendous thing in the world
Is for men to find that door–the door to God.
The most important thing any man can do
Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands,
And put it on the latch–the latch that only clicks
And opens to the man’s own touch.
Men die outside that door, as starving beggars die
On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter–
Die for want of what is within their grasp.
They live, on the other side of it–because they have found it.
Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,
And open it, and walk in, and find Him - - -
So I stay near the door.
Go in, great saints, go all the way in–
Go way down into the cavernous cellars,
And way up into the spacious attics–
It is a vast, roomy house, this house where God is.
Go into the deepest of hidden casements,
Of withdrawal, of silence, or sainthood.
Some must inhabit those inner rooms,
And know the depths and heights of God,
And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.
Sometimes I take a deeper look in,
Sometimes venture a little farther;
But my place seems closer to the opening - - -
So I stay near the door.
There is another reason why I stay there.
Some people get part way in and become afraid
Lest God and the zeal of His house devour them;
For God is so very great, and asks all of us.
And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia.
And want to get out. Let me out! they cry.
And the people way inside only terrify them more.
Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled
For the old life, they have seen too much;
Once taste God, and nothing but God will do any more.
Somebody must be watching for the frightened
Who seek to sneak out just where they came in,
To tell them how much better it is inside.
The people too far in do not see how near these are
To leaving–preoccupied with the wonder of it all.
Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door,
But would like to run away. So for them too,
I stay near the door.
I admire the people who go way in.
But I wish they would not forget how it was
Before they got in. Then they would be able to help
The people who have not yet even found the door,
Or the people who want to run away again from God.
You can go in too deeply, and stay too long,
And forget the people outside the door.
As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place,
Near enough to God to hear Him, and know He is there,
But not so far from men as not to hear them,
And remember they are there, too.
Where? Outside the door–
Thousands of them, millions of them.
But–more important for me–
One of them, two of them, ten of them,
Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch.
For those I shall stay by the door and wait
For those who seek it.
I had rather be a door-keeper . . .
So I stay near the door

(My Pastor read this poem at church yesterday and it struck a chord deep in my heart. Maybe it will in yours, too? Either way, I find that it is easier to forget inspiring poems and, well, I don't want to forget this one.)

My beautiful friends. (Dabbling in Photography)

2012-03-03T14:10:00.000-08:00

On Thursday, I got together with two of my precious friends, Emily and Cortny! I've decided that I'd like to get a better understanding of photography (for some reason my mind was having a hard time comprehending aperture and ISO) so we used it as a great excuse to have a little photo shoot!

Here are my favorites from the day :)

Me: "Emilyyyy, my hair is too big!"

Emily: "Yeeeah and you have makeup on your eye lid."

Emily: "Hey, if you were a character on Once Upon a Time, do you know what you'd be?!"

Me: "....an elf."

Emily: "Yes! Exactly!"

It was a superbly fun afternoon! Plus I feel like I'm finally starting to understand photography a bit more! Huzzzzzah!

Miles(tones).

2012-02-28T15:01:00.000-08:00

Hello, friends!

I'm baaack! Maybe you didn't think I went anywhere but let me tell you, I did. Josh and I have been driving to Pennsylvania every weekend for the last 6 weeks. Just to give you a little picture of the amount of traveling we have done... we crossed the 200,000 mile 'milestone' on our car, aaaand bought it in August with 180,000 miles. Six months. 20,000 miles. No big deal. (HA!) Pandora is officially our best friend (especially the Brian Regan comedian station, fyi).

We've also made a lot of personal (Eeeee!) and professional (83% funded!) progress the last month or so. There have been moments of wonderful, joy-filled excitement and there have been terribly weak moments full of nasty thoughts and an ugly heart. Thankfully, the good moments outweigh the bad and even in the bad, there is grace.

Anyway, I shall leave you with a quote that has been resonating in my spirit lately and encouraging me in moments of doubt, fear, anxiety, fear, anxiety, doubt, fear, fear...feeeeeear. (Why yes, I do wrestle all three of these foes quite regularly. Surely I'm not alone, am I?)

Be brave, darlings. You have friends out there waiting to be discovered, inner battles waiting to be won, and a legacy waiting to be written.

Kissy Kissy

2012-02-20T13:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes Josh comes to visit me at work.

Which not only entirely makes my day but also transforms the Inn's Security Camera into our very own Kiss Cam.

In another life...

2012-02-17T14:15:00.000-08:00

Well friends, it's that special time of the year where I unload a few hilarious pictures we've taken on the iPad onto my blog for your viewing pleasure. These were all taken with the "Oldbooth" app. I decided to include an attractive picture of each person (except Josh and Buddy, who you are probably familiar with at this point) so that you can grasp the full hilarity of these as well. So! Without further adieu... we shall start with my Love.

Joshua

Kenny & Nicole

Elnur and Josh. Elnur & the iPad.

David and Kate

Lindsay & Damien

Brian & Kyrie.

Rob & Kate

Brad

aaaand of course, Buddy

This one definitely gets the "I actually laughed as I wrote this" label. I think the biggest takeaway we can all learn from these picture is that yes, the way you style your hair matters immensely. Hahaha I hope you enjoyed it!

Three Such Days.

2012-02-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day, Lovelies!

This has always been one of my favorite holidays. My Mom made it a special day every year with scavenger hunts and candy and little gifts. I don't think I even knew it was supposed to be a romantic holiday until I was in Middle School. It was always just meant to be a day to celebrate all of the love in our home. I'm thankful for that, because it meant I have enjoyed every single Valentine's Day I have ever experienced. (Not just the years I was in a relationship!)

Anyway, this is one of my very favorite love poems/letters. I hope you enjoy it and that you feel beautiful, loved, and cherished today!