Since Joan and her daughter Melissa’s facelift scars are sewn together, the E! Fashion Police host decided to “tune up” her neck, revealing her latest treatment on reality TV show Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best in the US last night.

She obviously asked for the ‘dog’s shit-filled anal glands which about to pop‘ look. Joan needs to stop. In 5 years her mouth is going to be where her nose is supposed to be and her eyeballs are going to be hanging out on the back of her neck.

Never mind RiRi‘s new “Thug Life” tattoo. Or the fact that this is how she REALLY looks when she’s not had her make-up done by a doll maker.

*Cue THIS theme tune*

TMZ reported last night that Demi Moore had been admitted to hospital with a “Substance abuse issue“, which is LA publicist speak for: She hoovered a bit too much of the white stuff up her nostrils.

Paramedics showed up at Ashton’s old home in L.A. after “somebody” (aka her dealer) called 911 and after a 30min check-up, Moore was taken to hospital and then moved on to a “facility” (aka one of Lilo’s second homes) to get more help. Demi’s publicist had this to say about that:

“Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends.”

This is also publicist speak for she’s slipped into a whirlpool of woe-is-me over an arsehole with the common sense of a boiled avocado seed, who doesn’t really deserve her tears.  Let’s hope they feed her up in the “facility”. Or maybe she just carries most of her weight in her arm veins?

Where’s God when you need him eh? Oh, Demi, he’s sitting right there in that little rolled-up dollar bill waiting for you!

The noms have been announced in the 84th Annual Academy Awards, with Scorsese’s 3D adventure Hugo leading the way with 11 noms including best picture, closely followed by The Artist with 10 noms.

Also making the best picture category are: family drama “The Descendants”; Sept. 11 tale “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”; Deep South drama “The Help”; Woody Allen‘s “Midnight in Paris”; Brad Pitt‘s “Moneyball” and “The Tree of Life”; and Spielberg‘s World War I epic “War Horse.”

The Oscar ceremony takes place on February 26 at the Kodak Theatre in LA, presented by veteran funny man Billy Crystal. See the full list of noms below.

BEST PICTURE
The Artist
The Descendants
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
The Help
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
Moneyball
The Tree of Life
War Horse

BEST DIRECTOR
The Artist – Michel Hazanavicius
The Descendants – Alexander Payne
Hugo – Martin Scorsese
Midnight in Paris – Woody Allen
The Tree of Life – Terrence Malick

BEST ACTOR
Demián Bichir – A Better Life
George Clooney – The Descendants
Jean Dujardin – The Artist
Gary Oldman – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt -Moneyball

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh – My Week with Marilyn
Jonah Hill – Moneyball
Nick Nolte – Warrior
Christopher Plummer – Beginners
Max von Sydow – Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

BEST ACTRESS
Glenn Close – Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis – The Help
Rooney Mara – The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams – My Week with Marilyn

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Bérénice Bejo – The Artist
Jessica Chastain – The Help
Melissa McCarthy – Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer – Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer – The Help

BEST ANIMATED FILM
A Cat in Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss in Boots
Rango

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
The Descendants – Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon &
Jim Rash
Hugo – John Logan
The Ides of March – George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
Moneyball – Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin
Story by Stan Chervin
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
The Artist – Michel Hazanavicius
Bridesmaids – Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig
Margin Call – J.C. Chandor
Midnight in Paris – Woody Allen
A Separation – Asghar Farhadi

ART DIRECTION
The Artist – Production Design: Laurence Bennett, Set Decoration: Robert Gould
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Part 2 – Production Design: Stuart Craig, Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
Hugo – Production Design: Dante Ferretti, Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
Midnight in Paris – Production Design: Anne Seibel, Set Decoration: Hélène Dubreuil
War Horse – Production Design: Rick Carter, Set Decoration: Lee Sandales

CINEMATOGRAPHY
The Artist – Guillaume Schiffman
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Jeff Cronenweth
Hugo – Robert Richardson
The Tree of Life – Emmanuel Lubezki
War Horse – Janusz Kaminski

COSTUME DESIGN
Anonymous – Lisy Christl
The Artist – Mark Bridges
Hugo – Sandy Powell
Jane Eyre – Michael O’Connor
W.E. – Arianne Phillips

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Hell and Back Again
If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth
Liberation Front
Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Pina
Undefeated

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT
The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement
God Is the Bigger Elvis
Incident in New Baghdad
Saving Face
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom

BEST FILM EDITING
The Artist – Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius
The Descendants – Kevin Tent
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
Hugo – Thelma Schoonmaker
Moneyball – Christopher Tellefsen

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Bullhead – Belgium
Footnote – Israel
In Darkness – Poland
Monsieur Lazhar – Canada
A Separation – Iran

BEST MAKEUP
Albert Nobbs – Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and
Matthew W. Mungle
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Part 2 – Nick Dudman, Amanda Knight and Lisa Tomblin
The Iron Lady – Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
The Adventures of Tintin – John Williams
The Artist – Ludovic Bource
Hugo – Howard Shore
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – Alberto Iglesias
War Horse – John Williams

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
Man or Muppet – The Muppets, Music and Lyric by Bret McKenzie
Real in Rio – Rio, Music by Sergio Mendes and Carlinhos Brown
Lyric by Siedah Garrett

BEST ANIMATED SHORT
Dimanche/Sunday – Patrick Doyon
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore – William Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg
La Luna – Enrico Casarosa
A Morning Stroll – Grant Orchard and Sue Goffe
Wild Life – Amanda Forbis and Wendy Tilby

BEST LIVE FILM
Pentecost – Peter McDonald and Eimear O’Kane
Raju – Max Zähle and Stefan Gieren
The Shore – Terry George and Oorlagh George
Time Freak – Andrew Bowler and Gigi Causey
Tuba Atlantic – Hallvar Witzø

BEST SOUND EDITING
Drive – Lon Bender and Victor Ray Ennis
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Ren Klyce
Hugo – Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Ethan Van der Ryn and Erik Aadahl
War Horse – Richard Hymns and Gary Rydstrom

BEST SOUND MIXING
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Bo Persson
Hugo – Tom Fleischman and John Midgley
Moneyball – Deb Adair, Ron Bochar, Dave Giammarco and
Ed Novick
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers, Jeffrey J. Haboush and Peter J. Devlin
War Horse – Gary Rydstrom, Andy Nelson, Tom Johnson and
Stuart Wilson

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Part 2 – Tim Burke, David Vickery, Greg Butler and
John Richardson
Hugo – Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossman and
Alex Henning
Real Steel – Erik Nash, John Rosengrant, Dan Taylor and Swen Gillberg
Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, R. Christopher White and Daniel Barrett
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Matthew Butler and John Frazier

As per, Vadge‘s eyebrows win all the points.

She may be riding high on the crest of a W.E. wave right now, seen here at the NYC premiere of the film last night - but let us not forget that she’s responsible for fucking Shanghai Surprise AND Swept Away. NEVER FORGET!

Never mind Kiss From A Rose, more like Seal and Heidi‘s marriage has been poked in the arse by a rose, as the couple have officially announced they are to divorce, because nobody likes an angry Seal.

Nobody likes an angry Seal who is also jealous of his wife’s fame and fortune and lack of strange facial scarring. So they’re stopping that love thing already – releasing this statement:

“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children’s sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy.”

At least we’ll be spared their usual over-the-top wedding vows renewal this year, because they are full of love…..and themselves….and too much money. Oh, and Halloween is also cancelled, forever.

But frankly we’d much rather bum Jeremy Sheffield all over Barbados too!

Yes, and we regret that offensive green jacket she seems to be wearing throughout the WHOLE series of ‘Cornwall with Caroline Quentin‘ which looks like it came from the ’Grandma‘ section of Littlewoods catalogue. Could it fit any more awkwardly? The only thing that’s missing is a whicker shopping basket, a pair of bright lime green vagina mitts (aka CROCS) and Caroline whistling ‘I’m too sexy for this jacket’ at the local lesbians hikers.

In fact, that potato-sack of floral print horror is so un-look-of-the-moment, it makes us want to surf towards her face so we can slap the wrong out of her! And we bet our entire dildo collection that she’ll be wearing it in the next episode.

At last night’s Nordoff Robbins Six Nations Championship rugby dinner, Little Mix‘s not-so-little Jesy Nelson decided to reach for the stars with her hair (since her career will probably be doing the opposite soon) by paying homage to Dolly Parton vs one of Beyonce‘s old fried tranny wigs.

Some of you might look at Jesy’s homage to curls and see a lovely home for a mother bird to feed worms to her young in, but we just see a mess that even Barbara Dickson would tut tut at, and someone who needs to book a mustache wax appointment.