shushie

It Begins...Summer Reading

2013-06-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

Recently the Huffington Post asked readers to submit words that describe summer, which included: sleep, travel, adventure, fun, relaxation, greatness, peace, water, and books. While others look forward to summer, those of us in the public library industry frequently feel a little bit queasy at the beginning of the season and may describe it with words like: screaming, anxiety, face-painting, live snakes, people wearing their bathing suits inside the library -- oh yeah and books. Now is the time of year when I start to have night terrors about overflowing book drops and angry patrons when I cannot find them a copy of the latest New York Times bestseller.

Maybe it was because we were having a monsoon yesterday or were actually appropriately staffed, but it didn't seem that bad. The children were fairly easy - looking for books on worms or the always popular Guinness Book of World Records; the teens occupied themselves with the onsite photo booth; but the adults -- that much coveted yet difficult to attain population who grimace at being asked to register themselves for the adult summer reading program...until we mention that there's a prize.

image delightfully edited by me

"What's that?" a father with two wiggling children asks, pointing at the Parents: sign up for summer reading to win a FREE iPad mini! sign.

"You can win a iPad mini for signing up for summer reading," my coworker reads the sign to them.

"Just for signing up?!" the father asks. I think I see bits of foam forming in the corners of his mouth.

"Well, you'll be entered in a drawing to win, if you finish your challenge card."

"Oh," the father's excitement falls as he realizes we don't have a box overflowing with iPad minis for the taking under the desk. "Ok, maybe I'lll sign up later. I'll think about it," before he wanders away never to return.

Admittedly, only being entered to win a iPad mini is not as thrilling as getting one simply for signing your name on a scrap of colored paper, but the extremely low amount of adults who do register and manage to complete the insurmountable tasks of reading a book, attending a program, and learning to put a book on hold means that the chances of winning are pretty awesome. I think last year my branch had less than 35 adults complete their challenge cards -- I'd take those odds but of course staff cannot enter. We can only bribe our adult patrons with candy and free electronics while being chastised for not having unlimited copies Silver Linings Playbook on blu ray.

Random Subject Heading: WTF?!? Librarian Finds Smallpox Scabs Inside an Old Book

2013-04-25T22:28:00.000-07:00

Grocery and to-do lists. Photographs. A Band-Aid. A plane ticket to Frankfurt in the smoking section from 1989. A moldy piece of Kraft cheese. Crushed up medication. All together now: “These are a few of my favorite things” – just kidding! These are few of the things I’ve found inside of library books during my amazing career, but fortunately none of them have been as much fun as smallpox scabs.

However one lucky librarian did have the pleasure of finding the red plague tucked inside a book. At a university library in New Mexico, a book on Civil War medicine contained an ancient envelope that had the enticing description “scabs from vaccination of WB Yarrington’s children” which, of course, demanded that it be opened to release its guaranteed “dried up old mummy scabs.”

Special Delivery: It's for you!

The librarian, Susanne Caro contacted the National Museum of Civil War Medicine, which in turn called Walter Reed, then the CDC, and within a couple days the FBI arrived to get the scabs, but only after questioning the librarian as to whether someone could’ve planted the scabs in the book. “Her answer ‘was a great big no,’ according to Caro.”

Aside from being a disgusting cautionary tale for those of us in the lib biz, my favorite part of this article was that “clearly, this was a book that no one but the author himself had ever read.” Imagine not only the journey and process involved in writing a book, but then shoving some crusted, poxed up skin flakes into said book in the name of medicine…and then no one bothers to read your damn book or find your disgusting science experiment. That book is your work, your sweat, your time away from your kids who want to know why you are keeping the scabs of other kids, massaging them gently and whispering “my precious.” It’s kinda embarrassing.

So if I ever get around to completing a novel, I think I might put some scabs inside it too. That way if anyone bothers to crack the spine it will make the evening news. And my parents will be proud.

Footnote: A I am aware that I am quoting Cracked as a news source.

Overheard @ The Info Desk: Make it work!

2013-04-15T12:39:00.002-07:00

No, it wasn't a Tim Gunn "Make it work" moment, but rather a patron "Make it work FOR ME" situation when the phone rang this morning.

Me: Hello, X Public Library, information desk, may I help you?

Not Tim Gunn: This CD I got from the library, I need help.

Me: What can I help you with? Is the CD not working?

NTG: (long pause, clattering sounds in the background)...No...I mean, yes...the CD won't play. I borrowed it yesterday from your library...I want you to make it work.

Me: Ok...well, what are you trying to play it on?

NTG: ... (more clattering sounds) ...

Me: Hello? Are you still there?

NTG: Yes...sorry, I'm driving right now...I'm lost and trying to find this restaurant I'm going to meet my friend at...

Me: Ok, well...I'm sorry you're lost, do you need directions?

NTG: (sounds like gears are grinding) No, I don't need directions, what I need is for you to make this CD work.

Me: Are you trying to play it on your car CD player?

NTG: No, my car doesn't play CDs, it's new and the stereo doesn't play CDs. I am talking about at my house, my computer, it won't play. I put the CD in and nothing happens, there's no sound. I'm supposed to have it read for a class I'm taking but I don't have time, which is why I got the book on CD, but it won't work.

Me: What program are you using to play the CD on in your computer?

NTG: What do you mean? I put it in my computer and it won't play, I just need you to tell me how to make it work.

Me: I mean what program -- Windows Media Player, iTunes -- what program are you using to try to play the CD?

NTG: ...Um...I don't know...

Me: Ok, well have you tried to play it on another device aside from your computer? Do you have a regular CD player?

NTG: ...Um...uh...I'm going to have to call you back. I'm meeting my friend right now for lunch and I don't have time to talk about this now.

This is one of my favorite phone call responses -- when I am made to feel that I have interrupted or disturbed someone when they called me. I tell the patron to call back later when they have more time to talk and we hang up. About two hours later she calls back, she has discovered what needed to happen to make it work: the laptop was not on. Of course, I never came out and specifically asked her if it was on or plugged in, so it's partly my fault, but at least she now knows that in order to play a CD the device needs to be on -- instead of prying the CD tray open with her fingernails and putting the CD inside while the power's off. It's nice when the problems are so quick and easy to fix

Fun way to kick off National Library Week! :)

Random Subject Heading: Gimmicky Books -- Authorship

2013-04-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

Maybe "gimmicky" is a harsh sounding word, perhaps "trendy" would be better, but it doesn't have the rawr of cattiness. Anyway, on Tumblr yesterday I was accosted by Tumblr Staff’s announcement the The Great Tumblr Book Search was over and they have a winner: Shit Rough Drafts – which “imagines early drafts of famous literary works and screenplays” and, as grand prize winner, received a book deal.

Interested in seeing what made the top of the list, I clicked on the link and spent some time reading Shit Rough Drafts and unfortunately was let down. A “laugh out loud” idea that would be pitched to Chronicle Books via Tumblr to get their attention, then the editors would select a winner for publication. I don’t know, I guess since they stressed they were “looking for humor” I was hoping that it would be lol inducing, but Shit Rough Drafts is just…eh. Maybe I shouldn’t expect that much considering the other Tumblrs Chronicle Books cites as examples, but I feel like it should at least be funny – “not amused smile but bored after two minutes.” Incidentally, I’d much rather see Seinfelt be made into a book, of course the recent posts have been a bit long winded and not as hilarious as entries such as The Booger Wall (and yes, I am very immature, (as if you didn’t know that already)).

I also suppose it’s entirely possible that the book deal offer doesn’t have to involve the Tumblr entry and could be something else…but I have strayed from my original intended topic: gimmick books. In recent years, popular fiction went from vampires to zombies to werewolves and now erotic fanfic is all the rage. Lately it seems like the publishing industry has turned to popular websites – and not just typical blogs, but Tumblr accounts and Twitter, as a mine for books, tv shows, and movies. I guess what interests me the most is that previously at least blogs had some sort of written and thought out content, but now the sites that are getting attention are ones with an idea that catches on and then all the content is generated by its readers, instead an actual traditional “author” (case in point any of the “Award __ Photos”). I also realize that this is part of the cyclical nature of trends -- not just in the publishing world, but it's definitely not a new phenomena.

I suppose I should offer Shit Rough Drafts kudos for not just reposting submitted stuff from others, but at the same time I’m trying to think of a gimmick of my own that I can somehow spin off into a book deal, that doesn’t involve zombies, or cats, or singing and dancing. Hmm…

Overheard @ The Info Desk: Ummm

2013-03-04T16:37:00.000-08:00

A woman with bright red lipstick, a very pretty shade but just slightly on her front tooth, approaches the information desk:

Lipstick Tooth: I'm looking for books...

Me: ...Yes?

Lipstick Tooth: ...books by former CIA agents.

Me: Like biographies or a tell all, something like that?

Lipstick Tooth: ...sort-of. But they should be exciting stories -- the people don't all have to be real.

Me: So are you looking for nonfiction or fiction? Fictional stories about CIA agents that were perhaps written by former agents?

Lipstick Tooth: No, not fiction, I want them to be real, true stories. You know how the story is true but the writer twists it and changes somethings, adds people.

Me: Ok, maybe they are based on real events or people but are fictionalized? Based on a true story type of thing?

Lipstick Tooth: (slightly exasperated) Yes, but the basic plot should be true -- not make-believe. The truth but with more added to it. You know, building on the truth...but they have to be written by former CIA agents, what happened to them on their missions.

Me: (also slightly exasperated) So...based on a true story?

Lipstick Tooth: Yes except real. Like those Bourne Identity movies.

Me: The Bourne Identity movies are actually based off of a series of books, would you be interested in those or books like those?

Lipstick Tooth: No, because it's not real. I said like the Bourne Identity but true and it happened to a former CIA agent. I want that. (pauses) Nevermind, I'll just go look for myself (heads off in the direction of fiction).

A few minutes later, she stops at the desk again:

Lipstick Tooth: What about a list of CIA agents that live in this area? I could look up books by them.

Me: Uhhh, I'm pretty sure that some of that information is classified.

Lipstick Tooth: It's ok, my friend has a list, I'll get it from him (walks off).

More Cover Redesign for Classics -- CENSORED Edition

2013-02-16T12:27:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week there was commotion about the recent cover updates for some classic literature titles and now there's another update to add to the list. The newest printing of 1984 by Penguin features a "censored" cover with title and author blackened out.

(Techically, the title was released about a months and a half ago, but apparently I'm a little behind in my publishing news.)

Anyway, Penguin has released five new editions of books by George Orwell all with cover redesigns. The most interesting of the lot of course being the discussion generating 1984 with its dramatic cover being self-referential, suggesting that Big Brother himself has tried to conceal the book from inquiring minds.

This redesign has been labeled both "brilliant" and "a risky move" by Penguin, with a few curmudgeons complainging that the title is now illegible and potentially invisible to Amazon and other online book store customers who cannot see the debossed letters under the block, which I think is a little silly (won't the information about the book contain the title and author?). I believe the new cover is definitely one of the most creative redesigns I've seen in a long time. And it's definitely better than the sexy runner up...

Overheard @ The Info Desk: The Public Needs Help

2013-02-11T12:01:00.000-08:00

A short man with shoulder length silver hair and a cowboy-styled mustache approaches the information desk:

Greystache: I can't seem to find any books about the materials needed to build a labyrinth.

Me: (tries to wipe the judgmental "uhhhh..?" off my face as I preform a search) I'm not finding anything in our collection either. We have the movie Labyrinth, a book about Labyrinth fish, and another book titled Dating Again: A Labyrinth of Choices.

Greystache: Is the movie about building labyrinths?

Me: No, it's an 80's David Bowie movie with some muppets.

Greystache: You mean you don’t have any books on the subject?

Me: No books, would you like me to try searching our databases for--

Greystache:(interrupting and shaking his head) I’m shocked. Frankly I’m shocked

Exit Greystache.

Third time’s the charm?

2013-01-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

Greetings to anyone who may still be following this. Not only is it embarrassing that the past two Januaries I have written about writing more, I am ashamed that my last post was about not posting and a promise of forthcoming posts that week. All I can say is that the desire was there, but the focus and follow-through were obviously not present.

I can offer up a litany of excuses (I purchased my home, started regularly dating someone, my home computer broke and then when I got it back my internet service was out for nearly a month, my soul and desire to further my career was being crushed by He Who Must Not Be Named at work, and/thus, I work at a new library), but the truth is even when I had the time and physical ability I couldn’t get motivated enough to do it. Or I would sit in front of my laptop in a slightly depressed fog without any idea of what to write about (did I mention that for eight hours a day I had to share a workspace with He Who Must Not Be Named?). I knew that I missed the practice, but I didn’t do anything about it.

While I have always considered my life to be filled with I Love Lucy-esque adventures, I think that it’s safe to say that probably a lifetime of experiences (several of them less I Love Lucy and more Days of Our Lives) like have been mooshed into the past three years. That said, I don’t want these hurdles to prevent me from doing something that I enjoy. Nothing in this blog has ever been particularly noteworthy, but it was a small outlet for my creative urges. Although I wasn’t doing any “serious writing,” that I felt that it was a form of exercise and I’d like to endeavor another (or third) crack at it.

Soooo I’ve revamped things once again and, like many other blogs, I tried to come up with some sort of schedule to better focus my posts and help anyone (Bueller?) who is still following know when to check in. This doesn’t mean that I’ll be posting every day, but when I do I’ll stick to the preselected topic for the day. Weekends, should I manage to awaken from my drunken slumber, are a free-for-all.

Finally, though I do want and hope some will continue to follow me and others might join, I realized that I need to do this for myself. The practice of writing is something I crave to get back into. I need this outlet and it’s cheaper than therapy :)

oh hello there

2012-05-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

Alright, yes I see the irony in making a post at the beginning of the year about not posting a few posts ago (I'm trying to see how many times I can use the word "post" in one sentence) and then not posting again. Well, all I can say about that is life decided to interfere with several moments of true library and personal swagger, but also spells of almost unwashable fail-stink in both areas too. However let's focus on the positive shall we?

I want to go back and focus this blog like I said I was going to so all I can say is that there will be some changes coming within the next week. I want to say that these will be positive changes and hope that those of you who are still around will want to stick around, but I guess we'll see...

In the meantime, I'll ask any of you who might check in on this place periodically if there's anything specifically you're interested in reading that I've touched on in the past and you would like me to specifically continue? Or even any new ideas -- that don't involve poisoning any library patrons or coworkers.

Sir, what you need is a time machine

2012-01-18T17:53:00.000-08:00

A man in his late 40's to early 50's and smelling like he had rolled around in Bengay cream all morning sat down at the reference desk and asked for some assistance and of course, I was the lucky one to help him.

The man, who from here on shall be referred to as "Mr. Novelist," is in the process of writing a novel, that takes place during the depression based in "Hicktown," located in state but oh about four or five hours drive south. His problem -- he needs to do some research for his novel and by that he means he needs me to do some research for his novel for him.

Mr. Novelist confides in me that he has already used Google and Wikipedia to learn about Hicktown, but would like more information like what type of gum people in Hicktown would've chewed back then, or local slang, or the gun that would be issued to a Great Depression era cop in Hicktown (yes, it was a detective story!). I do a couple searches and reveal that we don't have any books focusing only on Hicktown, but in some of the state history books there are small sections dedicated to Hicktown. He waves this away, it is not what he wants. Next I bring back some books on fashion history and open it to the portions on 1930's fashion, but he is disappointed that it is only about ten pages of pictures and that the entire book is not on 1930's style clothing.

He points to an illustration of a 1930's era woman with a hat, "How do I know that women in Hicktown wore that type of hat?"

I respond that I, obviously, did not know but assumed that fashion trends of the 1930's were probably nationwide with some variation and the possibility that a small town like Hicktown might have possibly been a little behind but probably not by much.

Mr. Novelist lets out a sigh, "Doesn't the library have an old film strip or DVD I could watch about the 1930's in Hicktown? I'm a more visual person, I don't have time to read a lot, but I think if I could watch something then I could absorb it that way. It could be fiction or like a documentary, I don't care."

I internalize a mental sigh then try to explain that the way our cataloging system works, I could not simply search for movies that take place at that time and in that town unless they were cataloged that way and I'd already done several searches on Hicktown in our system with no results.

He shakes his head, "Do you know that movie, A Christmas Story? The one that takes place in the past and is all about that family and the boy who dresses like a giant bunny -- I want something like that, but for it to take place in Hicktown in the 1930's."

"You know," I say, "A Christmas Story is set during the Great Depression and could be a visual resource--"

Here Mr. Novelist interrupts me with the most expected response, "But it doesn't take place in Hicktown!" How stupid of me to suggest such a thing! Mr. Novelist is clearly suffering from the mental disorder of thinking that if you want it, it exists!

I decide to spend a few more minutes helping him before sending him on his way, but it is time wasted as my ideas like using writing website forums for assistance or trying Hicktown's own library(!) for information are dismissed.

"I'm really disappointed," Mr. Novelist says as he gets up to leave, "I expected the library to have what I was looking for, a simple movie -- that's all!"

I really like you, my new Wine-brarian

2012-01-10T13:52:00.000-08:00

This little beauty of a dream job popped up on ALA's joblist:

Wine Librarian

Ok, so it doesn't say that it involves barrel tastings or any sort of drinking on the job, but it's in California, it pays a hell of a lot more than I currently make, and it comes with the awesome official title of Wine Librarian -- not just something the staff calls you because you're Tipsy McStagger! The position closes this Friday the 13th, just sayin'...

New Year...where have you been?

2012-01-02T10:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I haven't posted anything since Halloween, but that doesn't mean I've gone the way of our microfiche reader or electronic typewriter to the big storage unit in the sky! If 2010 ended up with being a crappy year, then 2011 was the turd storm that followed. Lots of lovely things happened that involved the fun of moving to an apartment that had constant heat/AC problems, unknowingly letting a complete sociopath into my life, and an emergency room visit. I also experienced for the first time in my life the excitement of projectile vomit! All things said, it was not my finest hour...

But now we have the clean slate of 2012 to look forward to or to go for broke and screw up even more. Either way, I'm hoping to start posting again regularly (I would prefer a couple times a week, if not then weekly) and I realize I did this little mea culpa last year in January, but my eyes were clouded with the bright rays of optimism that things were perking up. This year I have no such problem, I've got my goggles strapped on and I know what I'm getting into. Or at least I *think* I know.

To start this year off with a bang this morning (what? You mean you don't have to work on this federal holiday? Lucky you!) we were greeted by a couple boxes of donations that considerately included already colored in coloring books and solved mazes.

Top 10 Halloween Costumes for Librarians

2011-10-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

When I first started working in a library several years ago, I thought that Halloween would be a fun holiday at work with the idea that librarians would probably get dressed up in imaginative costumes. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but it was definitely wrong. My first library employee Halloween was awkward in that several staff members agreed to dress up with me and then, of course, I was the only one who showed up in costume. That year I dressed up as a 80's Cyndi Lauper style punk which my stick in the mud coworkers mistook for an eccentric prostitute and patrons most likely thought I was a bad teen completing community service hours. Needless to say, I now usually opt out of coming into work in costume, though over the years I will confess that I've mislead some newbie employees to believe that I would be dressing up with them.

But there are a few librarians who do get into the holiday spirit and decide to put aside their nebbish and lackluster attire for one day, and these people have inspired me to list The Top 10 Halloween Costumes for Librarians:

10. Naughty Librarian -- I'll get this one out of the way first. While I have been known to dress as a wayward librarian myself, I feel able to criticize this costume because I tend to dress in a 50's/pin-up fashion normally. Also, I find the "naughty librarian" store made costumes offensive:
That is an ugly ass skirt if I ever saw one and though we may not always be a fashionable bunch, I would like to think that none of us would wear a mini-skirt with bookends printed on it. The other costume is irritating because it is labeled "sexy librarian/secretary" -- we are not the same profession!

9. Non-Harry Potter Wizard –- This person will don some type of hat and often carry a magic wand, either store quality or something created at home out of aluminum foil. Sometimes they will wear a witch’s hat for the same purpose. Once a former coworker wore a blue bathrobe with construction paper planets taped to it.

8. Harry Potter Wizard/Character -- A true fan of the Harry Potter genre and will either create an outfit for a character from the book or dress up as a Hogwarts student wearing the house colors of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin, usually accompanied by a long colored scarf. These people will normally go as Gryffindor or Slytherin because they are the most well known and because no one really cares about the other houses. Should you encounter a coworker in Hufflepuff attire you should administer a series of shame induced Indian burns.

7. Renaissance Person -– This includes wenches, royalty, pirates, occasionally Vikings, and sometimes other weird things (see photo), but outside of a renfest, the work costume is usually tame and an excuse for a staff member to get away with wearing a corset tightened to show the most decolletage, or a tiara, or carrying a sword.

6. Star Wars Character -- These costumes are either finely detailed replicas from the films or someone with brown earmuffs for hair and a light saber. Star Wars character is a popular choice for gen x male staffers.

5. Comic Book and/or Video Game Character -- Staff members who adorn themselves in this type of costume will win the nonexistent prize for the most responses of "Who are you again?" Like the Star Wars costume, comic book and video game character costumes involve attention to obscure details that only the wearer or role playing folks will recognize. Or because no one will know who they are the costumed person can phone it in and claim to be anyone granting them the ability to mock coworkers who clearly do not understand their brilliance.

4. Costume Requiring the Least Effort -- These staff members are not only phoning it in, but are not even interested in disguising this fact. "Costumes" of this variety consist of things such as cat/some other animal ears, hockey masks, or an outfit from the back of their closet that they have not worn in 20 years and thus, qualifies as a "costume." Included in this group are also t-shirts that have scary movie characters or skulls or anything that involves LED lights or moving parts. This is frequently the costume of choice for unimaginative library directors/branch managers.

3. Vampire -- This category has waxed and waned over the years both due to the popularity of the Twilight series. Since most library employees are not as attractive as young Hollywood vampires, this costume is more likely to resemble Bela Lugosi's Dracula. Cloaks and fake teeth are often worn, but the glaring paleness of most staff member's skin makes white face make-up unnecessary.

2. Zombie -- Taking the spot of Vampires, Zombies have now become the hot costume, especially since it involves the joy of shredding clothing you don't like and rubbing fake blood in it. The level of commitment is up to the wearer with some going all out with props, limping, and groaning, and others just in torn up clothes. Zombie Librarian was my costume choice last year.

1. Crazy Cat Lady -- Not to be confused with someone wearing cat ears, this costume is often worn by coworkers with lots of stuffed cats glued to an old sweater, or by coworkers who have never married and still wear pantyhose with sandals. Ok, yes, I realize that I am perpetuating another librarian stereotype, but people it wouldn't exist if it wasn't at least sometimes accurate. The genius of this costume is that for many it requires no effort at all!

Happy Halloween!

There's a New Sheriff in Town

2011-09-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

So, I have a new manager at work.

When we found out that we were getting a new manager, it was much like last year when we found out we were getting a new manager: cleaner desks and workstations, more professional attire and less sweaters that looked like they came from the lost n' found bin, (sometimes forced) enthusiasm for job and teamwork (sometimes with high fives), and overall non-work related internet use drops with productivity going up 30%! We were a little like those small, nervous, and easily excited monkeys at the zoo, but at least we were positive.

But it was also a lot different from last year when we found out we were getting a new manager: we liked our (now old) current manager, lots of hissy whispering, and their future office was raided and cannibalized of everything from matching desk chairs to a non-sticky keyboard to ancient starlight mints found in the drawers. It looked a tad bit ugly...and then he arrived.

He seemed friendly enough. He seemed capable, had a long history of library work and management to confidently rely on. He brought cookies to our first reference staff meeting. And then slowly things changed, or rather these things had probably been present all along and I just hadn't been paying attention. Disguised as a normal person he was in fact a horrible boss.

List of offensives:
1. Shirks responsibility. When the phone rings he never reaches for it, he always takes the desk seat farther away from the public, he defers to someone else constantly because he is "too new," to find a book on the shelf, help someone with the copier, print out directions from Google maps, etc.
2. Eaves drops/reads over your shoulder. This is actually my biggest problem with him but since I am guilty of doing non-work related stuff part of the time (hello) I moved it down a notch. If I'm helping a patron over the phone, when I hang up, he's all "What did they want?" You want to know what they wanted? Well answer the damn phone next time. Because he wears sneakers he can sidle up to you quickly or suddenly appear over your shoulder. He must have great eyesight too because before I have time to minimize my want list on Amazon he scares the bejeezus out of me with, "Hey, I bought that same coffee maker!" He hovers and I don't like it.
3. Too personal/no boundaries. If you're in his line of sight and he feels like chatting up a storm he will engage in awkward conversations about his wife, his cat, where he buys his pants, what he was doing in 1969. Similarly, he wants us to reciprocate by oversharing with him. When I asked to use sick leave for my annual check up, he responded, "Could you be more specific?" Uh, no.
4. He can't take directions. I don't know if it's just me, but frequently I will tell him something and it will go in one ear and out the other. For example, yesterday our IT guy came by to work on a computer and told us not to use it while he was updating some software. My new manager comes out of his office and sits down at that computer station. I repeat IT guy's request, but instead he starts typing away, then announces to no one in particular, "Hmm, I can't login." I repeat IT guy's message a second time, but then he gets up and goes into his office. A few minutes later he comes back and says, "I called (IT guy) and he said not to use that computer right now, so nobody use it!"
5. He doesn't know how to do his job...and on top of that he's not even trying. As someone who gets paid I'm sure considerably more than I do, it is frustrating to see he can't do what I consider simple job required tasks. Combine that with his "What is it you do again?" attitude and I feel like replying, "Part of what I do involves fixing or redoing things you do." But alas, I kinda need to retain employment so that I may continue my meager existence.

I bet you didn't think I could cook, huh? Well, you're right...

2011-08-28T20:35:00.001-07:00

Friday night, while other shoppers were raking toilet paper, gallons of milk, water, and oddly enough microwave popcorn into their shopping carts, I was wandering around with a very specific grocery list. Instead of Hurricane Irene freakout supplies I was loading up on strange cheeses I had never heard of and the makings of cornmeal pizza dough. Since most of my meals come from a box or can (or bottle, *gratuitous wink*), recently I've renewed my interest in cooking and I thought while I was home bound during the storm, I would recreate a recipe I found in a discarded cookbook earlier at work.

Now I can bake, or at least I used to do ok with baking. My track record over the last year has been spotty: made incredible batch of mini cupcakes for me and my family, try to make same cupcakes again for work event and accidentally put in 1/2 cup of baking soda instead of 1/2 teaspoon; great peanut butter cookies at home on a cold winter night, try to make same cookies to bring for Christmas and I accidentally put in 3 eggs and 1 cup of milk instead of 1 egg and 3 cups of milk. For every good thing I made, some cosmic intervention would make sure I followed it with something inedible. Self-diagnosed with recipe dyslexia, understandably, this put me off of cooking for awhile.

Because Irene made me cancel my original Saturday plans (thanks a lot, weather people, our area maybe needed a good umbrella, not sandbags) last night I decided to go forward with my plan to make the mini Fontina Cheese Pizzas, of course I had to ask the person at the deli counter what fontina cheese was and where I could find it. Here are the results, obviously the left is a fancy show off photograph from the cookbook.
Their mini pizzas look tasty and appetizing. My pizzas look like something you would ask the waiter to send back to the kitchen.

The problem? Not 100% certain, but most likely the fact that the recipe called for 3 egg yokes and I put in 3 whole eggs had something to do with it. Rather than tasting like a pizza, they tasted like cheesy scrambled eggs on top of dough, kinda like a quiche but without the pastry crust. The dough didn't come out right either, my oven runs a bit hot so the bottoms were burned while the top outer crust was barely bronzed and it tasted like a saltine to me for some reason. So my hurricane shut-in dinner was crackers with scrabbled eggs on top!

After last night's kitchen disaster, I was pleasantly surprised by my success at a different recipe this morning. Not in the same ballpark as baking, but it was so quick and easy and delicious -- my favorite combination. Link-hoping, I randomly came across a recipe on A Tale of Two Kitchens for Peach Almond Smoothie and since I coincidentally already had all of those ingredients at home, I gave it a try. Maybe since I'm trying to kick my coffee habit, I can start the day off with a smoothie instead. Of course, I'm not going to stop my 3pm candy fix.

Libraries, we do more than shelter the homeless...

2011-08-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

If yesterday's dumb question was, "Is the library still open because of the earthquake?" today's would be anything related to required reading for school.

Bitchy Mom: How can the library not have any copies of Lord of the Flies? You're the library, that's what my tax money is for.

Irrationally Annoyed Teen: What am I supposed to do now? I was supposed to read The Miracle Worker by next week...do you have the movie? Why not?!

Slouchy Teen Boy: Could you write a note to my teacher that you didn't have any books but I'm on the waitlist for Their Eyes Were Watching God?

Verbal communication between two or more humans/monkeys

2011-08-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

The phone rings, I picke up to what appears to be a conversation already in progress.

Me: Hello?
Completely Stoned Woman: Uh, hi.
Me: How can I help you?
CSW:...I want to order a book on CD.
Me: Ok, what is the title? (she gives me the title and I locate it in the catalog) It's at a different branch, but I can have it sent here. Could I get your library card number?
CSW:...?
Me: Um, hello? Ma'am?
CSW: Huh?
Me: Could I please get your library card number?
CSW: Oh, that...I don't know where that is right now.
Me: Well, I'm kinda going to need it to put it on hold for you.
CSW: Oh no, I don't know...(there is a sound of rustling, things being scattered and knocked over)...it's here somewhere, I'll find it later...before I come to the library. Can't you just look me up by my name?
*It is our library's policy not to look up borrowers account information without a card number, however there are exceptions and since I already had another person on hold I wanted to be done with this transaction. I let her give me her name and then quizzed her on her address and birthday.*
Me: Alright, I put a request in and you should get a call in a day or so when it comes in.
CSW: How?
Me:...By phone? The library will call you when it's ready to pick up.
CSW: How do you know my phone number?
Me: We have it in the computer, it's part of your account information.
CSW:Oh...it's probably my old number, I have a new cell phone now...here let me give you another number...(I start typing in the phone number she's rattling off when I realize it's way too long to be a phone number).
Me: Um, ma'am? That phone number, is it local or long distance?
CSW:...That's not my phone number!
Me: What is it then?
CSW: It's the library card number, you said you wanted it.
Me: (She had a point, but a little too late) That number doesn't sound like one of our library card numbers. All of them start off with the same six digits. What library is that a card for?
CSW:...It's a library card.
Me: What does it look like?
CSW:...it's blue (She reads off the library card and it is for a different county).
Me: Ok, that's not part of this library system for 'X County.' If you can't find your library card by the time we call you, just bring in your ID and we can get you a new one.
CSW:...A new what?
Me: A new library card? To replace the one you can't find.
CSW:...And the library is going to call me?
Me: Yes.
CSW: But why?
Me:???To inform you that the audiobook you put on hold has come in...?!
CSW: Oh, ok then. Goodbye!

And she hangs up

It makes me feel a little better when I'm at McDonald's and I realize that I'm not the only person that has to deal with the bizarre public. On the mornings I swing by to grab coffee, there's always this crazy lady with messy hair talking to herself. She never orders anything, but sits at a booth with a Stouffer's frozen turkey and mashed potatoes dinner -- it's always the same thing, and obviously not frozen anymore. She used to come by the library, but hasn't been in for a long while. When she shouts something nonsensical in my direction as I'm scooping up creamers and Splenda, I feel relieved that I'm returning to the general sanity of the library.

WeirdedIn

2011-08-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

Life and its obligations have kept me away (not to mention my laptop is rejecting Firefox lately and explorer does not want to play nice with gmail and blogger), but I've managed to scribble down things here and there on post-its or scrap paper that I can cobble into a post later.

Today I had no such need to dig through my notes as the library gods hand-delivered some weirdness into my inbox this morning:

A couple days ago I came to work to find an address book on our main desk. At night, after we close and the janitorial staff cleans up, they will place any items they find on the desk so that in the morning we can figure out what to do with it (usually it goes in the lost and found bin or the trash). This address book was slightly beat up, the outer snap closure was missing and it was being held together by a large rubber band. There was nothing inside that had the owner’s contact information, however there were two bills folded in the front that were addressed to the same person. Assuming this to be the owner of the address book, I looked them up in our system to see if they had a card. They had a card, but no phone number listed, just home address and email. So I sent an email:

To: Patron X@someserviceprovider.com
From: librarian@suburbanlibrary.gov

Hello Patron X,
An address book that may belong to you was found at the library. If it is yours, please go to the front desk, describe it for them and they will retrieve it for you from lost and found.

Thanks,
Your Librarian.

A few hours later I got an email back:

Dear Librarian:
Thank you so much for finding my address book!!! I have been looking for it everywhere and thought it was gone! I will come by later and pick it up.

Thanks,
Patron X

I considered this to be the end of the transaction. I emptied my inbox of our correspondence, assumed they picked up their address book, and promptly forgot about the whole thing. Until today.

I was befuddled. Who?

The email address seemed strangely familiar. Could it be one of the volunteers I manage? I cut and pasted the email address into the search box function and clicked on the little spyglass.

Two emails were found, both in my trash folder – the exchange between me and the address book patron.

The hell?
Not only did I not know Patron X personally, I had never even met them, and had not been around whenever they came to get the address book. I would have no way of picking Patron X out of a police lineup.

Like the former junior high school bully sending me a friend request on Facebook, this involved the same level of confusion, but with a side order of creepy.

It’s simple: Just don’t be a dumbass

2011-07-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

Recently at work all employees were required to participate in a series of online “courses” (Basically PowerPoint) to learn about things like safety, sexual harassment, how to clean up toxic waste, etc. Even though we had all completed a different program on sexual harassment maybe six months before, this was mandatory. All employees were registered by human resources last June with a deadline of nearly a year to accomplish this task, which at the time sounded like no big deal. Sure, it was long (I think someone said if you sat down to take it uninterrupted then you could probably finish it in about 4 or 5 hours) and dull (the voiceover work was provided by what sounded like an updated Speak n’Spell), but I also had a lot of time to get it done.

Fast forward to May and I was on a short list from my branch manager reminding me that the deadline to complete theses courses were coming up and I, of course, had yet to even login to the site. Luckily, my direct supervisor was also on this list and was very understanding about giving me lots of off the desk time to finish this thing. However, I would get back to my desk, fire up the program, put in my earbuds so I could listen to the robot narrate and after about oh, let’s say fifteen minutes of this I was on the verge of sleeping or crying hysterically from boredom. The worst part was that with this thing you couldn’t skip to the end to answer the questions, you had to listen to each and every slide in the presentation, do the stupid practice questions before getting to the final test, where if you didn’t at least get 80% you failed and had to go back to the beginning of that section to do it all over again. Scoring tantamount to a “C” grade may not seem hard to achieve, but I’d like to see how well you would do on a test that only has five questions about various hardhats and the specific use of each one – totally relatable to library work. I ended up taking the test on bloodborne pathogens a mindly-numbingly almost twenty times – and did I mention that it mixes up the questions each time? So I could get everything right but the one I needed to score at least 80%, go back and then be presented with some old questions mixed with new and then I would be able to get even more wrong. It was painful.

But it was also very silly. As I and a couple of my coworkers were working on the courses in our cubicles, one would hear little giggles here and there and an occasional flat out laugh. This was for two reasons: 1)The scenarios presented were ridiculously idiotic and probably never take place in real life, and 2)The photos used in the presentation were clearly purchased or leased from a stock photo company who probably sold the group as “workplace photographs” as they rarely had anything to do with the narration or captions that would float by on the screen and when they did match it was over the top.

The best examples of this obviously came from the sexual harassment portion, where instead of providing a realistic, true to life scenarios we get this:

Tom and Judy share a workspace. In her free time Judy enjoys participating in female bodybuilding competitions and has won several titles. She is proud of her awards and has placed a photograph of herself posing in a bikini on the desk. Seeing the photograph makes Tom uncomfortable and he does not like being forced to see the photograph at the desk. Judy may not realize it, but she is sexually harassing Tom.

And NONE of the photographs presented during this voiceover match at all. The viewer of this presentation is oddly treated to photos of two women working at computers followed by a young man with rumpled hair and his shirt collar undone looking stressed followed by a photo of an older woman looking creepily staring straight at the camera to suggest she is watching me. There is also a disturbing quid pro quo situation where the voiceover describes a boss pressuring a female employee that he supervises to exchange sex for a raise. The photograph displayed during this shows an office setting with two employees, a black man and a white female, chatting in what appears to be a friendly, non-offensive way, over their shared cubicle wall. As if that wasn’t bad enough, photos were frequently recycled during presentations so that later in a section on interoffice dating we get the SAME photograph! Yes, I am being nit-picky, but all I could think of was that the boss and the woman suddenly seemed right – pressuring a coworker for sex is the best path to starting a relationship!

In my boredom, while listening to the voiceover, I took screen caps of some of the more “interesting” slides, minimized the program so that it would still play in the background while I brought up Paint to paste in these pictures, mashing them together in a collage of on the job no-nos. I took so many screen caps that I ended up forgetting where I saved some of them and accidently left out some of the really strange ones including one of two old men fighting in a boardroom and another of an Asian man tied to his ergonomic Herman Miller Aeron desk chair. But the important thing is that I am now aware of alarming fact that “hundreds of people in the U.S. are killed while doing their jobs” so I won’t try to do anything about those dangling exposed electrical wires in the staff workroom.

Summer reading, my most favorite reading time of the year...

2011-06-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy Awful Library Books
Yesterday was the official kickoff for our summer reading program and we were busier than a Columbian drug den. Here is a sampling of the questions I very helpfully redirected:

Elderly Couple: Can you tell us how to use our Nook?

Forgetful Teen Boy: I was reading this book and I didn't finish it, can you help me find it? It wasn't at this library, it was my school's library but I had to return it. I don't remember the title or the author, but it was about a boy with a dad and the cover was light green.

Older Mom Wearing Teen Daughter's Clothes: Where are your books on murder?

Middle-Aged Snooty Guy With a Purple Tie: Where might I find books on Pablo Picasso...the artist.

Teen Girl With Gum: Tell me what books my school wants me to read over the summer and then give them to me or put them on hold.

Lazy Mom: It says for the adult summer reading program I have to read 5 books and write reviews -- do they have to be adult books? Can't I just review the picture books I read to my toddler?

Man on Phone: I'm looking at the catalog on my computer and there's a DVD I want. What does it mean when the status says "unavailable"?

Woman on Phone: If the program is already full can I still register my child for it?

Frantic Woman: Has anyone turned in an iPhone?

Angry Lady With Braids: Can you tell that man to stop sneezing?

Old Lady With Hearing Problem: My friend says all of her books and CDs come to her house and she never has to come to the library. How can I sign up for that?

Buff Dad With Woman's Voice: Why are the magic books for adults not checked in?

Creepy Guy Who Has Been Warned For Looking at Porn: I want more time on internet station #4.

Little Girl With No Adult Supervision: Show me the books!

We had over 2,000 people come through the library in eleven hours. Today has only been slightly quieter.

High school is over, but Sweet Valley is forever...

2011-06-08T11:36:00.000-07:00

This book review most likely belongs in my Very Bad Book Blog, but it was so over the top that I decided to share it here, where more might appreciate this sort of trash.

Spoiler Alert! LIKE this book was SO lame!
I read this but merely for nostalgic/guilty pleasure reasons, which is what I assume is the same reason anyone else would read it and ideally the audience Francine should’ve been writing for. I already admitted that I was not a big SVH fan, but I left out that in college my roommate and I would play the SVH board game with a level of determination and strategizing rarely seen outside of playing Risk (we were often completely tanked, which helped a lot). And I do have a small collection of SVH books that I’ve gathered from thrift shops and donations here at the library. They are full of the silliest teen “drama” and I could usually read one in about an hour or so.

It wasn’t like everyday I was walking around thinking, “I wonder what those perfect, amazing, blue eyed, silky, golden haired girls, aka the Wakefield twins, are up to? Did they get married? Who are their friends and enemies now? And is it possible that one of Margo’s relatives returned with a similar taste for Wakefield blood?” Alright, sometimes maybe I was, but I wasn’t the only one and fans took to the interweb to discuss. Francine must have heard about this and turned to a new legion of ghostwriters to help her craft a rather dull book with a storyline so predictable that even a temporarily blinded Ken Matthews could see coming. A half-baked mix of flashbacks, "unforgivable betrayals," two scoops of romantic confessions, a handful of bitchiness, and completely saturated with inconsistencies, then slathered across 291 pages and served in a hardback shell for $21.99.

With the frequent inaccuracies and continuity problems it is obvious that former ghostwriters didn’t want to be in a ten-mile radius of this lard coated, flaming piece of caca. Francine gives credit to the assistants who helped her remember details of the very same series she created and yet, aside from the giant plot holes, all of the characters appear to suffer from personality disorders and amnesia (including a speech impediment for Jessica). This suggests that not only had these assistants not cracked the spine of a SVH in years, but that no one associated with this book had bothered to read the series.

That Sweet Valley Confidential is bad is an understatement and yet simultaneously it is not bad enough. Fans of the series loved it for the cheese (I did at least), not because it was an accurate portrayal of teen life in any decade. Over the years Sweet Valley went from being a teen drama, to a teen soap opera, and then something else that was possibly written as a dare or after an LSD hallucination. Originally I thought Sweet Valley Confidential could be updated, written as lighthearted chick-lit with a far-fetched murder mystery, not the as a faux shocking, recycled tripe that was published, and without the cheese it’s not even a fun guilty read.

The update is perhaps a little too updated with all the social media namedropping and pop culture references that will mean nothing a year from now. The Wakefield twins have grown up and aren’t clean teens anymore complete with f-bombs and disturbing discussion of Elizabeth’s weepy orgasms and taut nipples. *shudder* The girls wax poetic about how much the town they live in has changed since the 80’s (which is noted as being before the twins were old enough to care), with all its chain stores and a Starbucks on every corner changing the landscape. Nothing is said of Sweet Valley being more dangerous than Detroit, populated by more devious characters than a Mexican telenovela, and with a higher WTF?! per capita rate than any other made up town in young adult literature.

The completely obvious plot-line has the girls on the outs with each other again, but this time it’s personal! The twins have never been faced with a betrayal so outrageous in all of Francine’s sieve-like memory. Unless you count that time Jessica spiked Elizabeth’s drink (over the very important title of Jungle Prom Queen), leading to a car accident, the death of Jessica’s boyfriend, and Liz getting charged with manslaughter. Or those times Liz cheated on Todd. Or every single book when Jessica’s jealousy has her pulling some sort of underhanded scheme against her perfect sister.

However, the absolute worst part of the book and biggest insult to fans (other than Jessica’s sudden outbreak of valley girl brogue) is the relationship between Elizabeth and Bruce Patman. They are BFFs because Elizabeth has completely forgotten about that time he tried to date rape her. Elizabeth casually alludes to this incident as the time when Bruce kissed her “when she was passed out” and leaves out the overly friendly part about his twisting her arms to try to make her give in. While there is absolutely no chemistry between Elizabeth and Bruce during the entire book (except perhaps in his mind), when he finally confesses his feelings she decides she loves him too (heck, why not?!) because he’s such a super guy she doesn’t want him to be with anyone else. Yes, these are some pretty screwed up bitches, but then again, wouldn’t you be if you had gone through all of this:

The Evil Twin – Twins doppelganger and all around crazy girl, Margo, plans to kill Elizabeth and take over her life. Though Alice Wakefield mistakes Margo for one of her own daughters, the jig is up when Liz catches Margo dressed as her and also wielding a large knife. Jessica loses yet another boyfriend to sweet mistress death.

Beware the Wolfman -- Liz falls for a dark, handsome English stranger named Luke, who is naturally a psychotic werewolf. Jessica’s boyfriend dresses as a homeless man to watch over her.

A Kiss Before Dying -- The feud between Palisades and SVH reaches a deadly conclusion when Jessica’s boyfriend Christian is killed, but as a bonus she wins the surfing contest.

To Catch a Thief –- As Au Pairs in France, Liz falls for a prince, Jessica falls for a jewel thief and the girls end up getting locked in the dungeon.

Tall, Dark, and Deadly – Liz hates goth newbie Jonathan, but Jessica and Enid fall madly in love with him. A cat is the only witness to a murder committed by a vampire who is obviously…wait for it…Jonathan.

"R" for Revenge -- Elizabeth must eventually save Jessica and the cheerleading squad when they are kidnapped and held hostage by their new adviser.

The book ends with an American Graffiti-esque epilogue where readers get updated on a random assembly of characters. The important thing to know is that everyone is either dead or miserable. That and there’s going to be another spin-off, but maybe Francine will get it right this time.

On a scale of squeaky clean teen fun, Sweet Valley Confidential is neither squeaky clean, nor teen, nor fun really. It reads like a horrible made for TV movie, but a made for TV movie on a cable station so it has swearing and sexy parts. At the birthday party for grandma, Alice Wakefield shouts, “Bring out the f---ing cake!”
Not recommended for: nostalgic adults who don't want to think about Liz's nips.