Si Dawson (life)

No Soap: The Verdict

2010-02-13T18:49:00.001+11:00

For January I tried an experiment. No soap when washing myself.

Here are my results & thoughts:

The first week or is the worst. My body was obviously flushing something out. I don't know what, but it smelt pretty bad. I had a lot of showers per day.
The first couple of weeks I also got quite a few blocked pores, but they went away too.
Even with a very active lifestyle, it's actually quite manageable. I started by using no deoderant (I wanted to know what was going on), but ended up using an eau de toilette under my arms. There wasn't a strong negative smell, I just preferred it to myself. Oh, I hate my body smell, quelle horror. Not really, just a minor preference.
Interestingly, my (very slight) eczema flared up a bit when my body was detoxing, initially, then calmed right down, went away & hasn't come back at all.
When I get out of the shower I'm actually drier. As with the toxin flushing, I suspect that even using a very light soap & rinsing well leaves enough of a film that a) toxins can't naturally flush & b) water gets trapped on the surface rather than naturally being absorbed
I've also stopped using shampoo. Hair feels fine. There's a little grease when I run my hand through my hair, but I figure that's just healthy natural oils. It's certainly never been too oily, not like when I was using shampoo. My scalp is great.
It's really easy to be lazy & just stand under the shower, but it's important to rub your hands over your body, same as if you're using soap - particularly on high sweat areas - thighs, chest, armpits, back.
Ears. Ears are weird. In ears & behind ears? Couldn't keep those clean without soap. I don't think I have particularly dirty ears (unless they're running off while I'm asleep), I suspect it's just a function of the way ears are (you know, waxy & all)

pic by jciv

By the end of the month, I'd settled on using soap in the following circumstances:

Before preparing food (duh)
After bathroom (see? not a complete philistine)
To wash extreme amounts of grease/grime/etc off my hands, or, for example, after vigorously rubbing my scalp to keep my hair/scalp clean
In high sweat areas if there was strong smell or I felt compelled to (after super heavy exercise) - so, that'd be arse, groin, armpits, oh, & the ever magical ear. Even then, I'm using the lightest amounts possible, and very rarely, maybe once a week

Given that my skin is my largest organ (ooerr), & obviously there was something unhealthy being blocked by using soap, I'm very happy to continue with the above plan. That pretty much works for me.

Oh, & for bubble baths? All rules are off :)

[earlier post: The No Soap Experiment]

How To End Hate (& its nasty side effects)

2010-01-31T00:16:00.001+11:00

Ever heard that saying "What you resist persists"?

Ahh yes.

I've noticed a few patterns in my life recently.

In general, I've spent the last few years on a bit of a spiritual journey. Clearing out, well, pretty much everything.

The downside to this is, as I've got clearer, what remaining crap is there has echoed stronger & more powerfully through my life. Ahh, I wish I'd been told that when I started. Actually, probably best I wasn't.

The bad news is, there are parts of my life that still suck. Like you wouldn't believe. Well, ok, I'm human. The good news is, they stand out like nobody's business. Also, it's much easier to see when they're repeating.

So, here I am, looking at my life "Wtf? Didn't that same crappy situation happen 6mo ago? What's going on?"

Then, the other day, it hit me.

They've all been things I hate.

Now, of course, very early on, I went through all the core 'negative' (if there is such a thing) emotions, assessing all the places in my life they affected, healing them etc.

Of course, my life drastically improved. Quelle surprise.

When I looked at hate, I came up blank though. "Huh? I don't hate anyone." My Mum brought me up way to well for that nonsense. I've gotta say, there have been a few people I probably should (according to society) hate for the roles they've played in my life, but I still don't (thanks Mum).

What I realised lately though is - there's a lot of things I hate.

Guess what's recurring?

Situations, behaviours in those around me, limitations, frustrations, ongoing problems.

Yep, no frickin' surprise.

Hate is resistance.

I'm resisting this nonsense, so of course, I'm just drawing it into me. However you want to explain that (law of attraction, reticular activating system, self sabotage) is largely irrelevant.

The empirical evidence is this: Stuff I hate I just see more of in my life.

The big (& incredibly obvious) lesson? STOP IT.

Ok, so I like to keep things vaguely useful/practical around here. Bob has great advice above, but really, how do you stop hating something?

I've shared lots of ways of doing this kind of thing before, so here's a real simple way that's been helping me lately:

1. Give the issue a percentage, 0-100% where 0=Hate It, 100%=I'm 100% ok with this thing happening.
2. Ask yourself, can I increase that percentage? Say "Yes", out loud & as emphatically as possible.

Maybe it's just my analytical math brain, but that really resonates for me. I typically get a number in my head instantly. Uhh, 20%, or 3%. Whatever. It doesn't matter. It's just a starting point.

To work with this, there's a core realisation. You're the boss. You, the real You. Not your physical body, not your mind, not even your ego. The large, spiritual you. The essence of you. Your consciousness.

For example, if you decide to stop thinking about something, who makes that decision? You do. Not your brain. Your brain is just the tool. That's the real you making that decision. The core of your being.

Soooo. Once you realise that you're the boss, then everything is really just a decision. Including the decision to actually be ok with something you used to hate.

How/Why Does It Work?
1. Saying 'yes' puts you in a positive mindframe rather than negative (ie, resistant, hating). Salesmen have known this for eons, of course. Nothing new there.

2. Saying 'yes' releases resistance to the issue. Even just accepting it a little can help shift things, open you up & let go of that hate (or secret shame, as is often the case with deep hatred) and thus resistance. Once the floodgates open, voila, you're on your way.

I know, sounds crazy, but give it a bit of a go, be patient & watch what happens.

Of course, if you feel like using EFT, releasing, reiki, NPA or anything else at the same time, so much the better. Whatever helps.

When you do finally get up to 100% you'll realise. You just don't hate it any more, in fact, you couldn't care less. Know what? You'll stop seeing it in your life too.

For me, I got a piece of paper, on the left wrote "Things I f'n Hate", on the right "% Ok with it" then just made a list. Going down, even just saying "YES, I hate ..." it's the craziest thing, but I could feel the hate lifting off & that percentage rising.

Another interesting side effect? All this saying yes. I've had inner tension (that my sensei can feel, but is hard for me to pinpoint) for, well, probably my entire life. With this? I can actually feel it easing. Don't know how, or even what it is, but it's definitely lifting.

Whoever thought being positive would be beneficial? *grin*

The No Soap Experiment

2010-01-04T15:00:00.001+11:00

I'm not really a fan of New Year's resolutions. How many do you end up keeping?

However, a new year's experiment - where you try something new, just for January? Ahh, that's awesome.

So, a few years back I read a book a day for all of Jan. That was.. entertaining, although I didn't do much else with my time.

Then I tried eating no meat for January a couple of years later. That lasted about 3 days, until I realised I'd have to learn how to cook tofu (Eww! No thanks!) whereupon I discovered the raw food diet - no cooking, no tofu? I'm sold! Which was great, and extended out more or less continuously from there.

This year, based on reading this, & this, I thought I'd try washing with no soap or shampoo for all of January.

To paraphrase the theory, one reason we smell is because of bacteria on our skin, which is amped up when we strip natural oils etc out using soaps (which also leave a thin film of chemicals on our skin). Skin is something which is vastly underrated, but given that it's our largest organ, we should probably consider a little more than we tend to.

There's also a theory that you should never put anything on your skin that you wouldn't eat. Since our skin is absorbent, I've gotta say, that holds a lot of water for me.

People that have done the "no soap" thing before say it takes a couple of weeks for your body to adjust. There's a lot of flushing of toxins, plus your body getting used to not having to constantly replace the oils. After that, things hum along - clean shiny hair, glowing skin, etc etc.

Personally? I've gotta say I'm skeptical. I have some unusual skin. It's very moist (a dermatologist once showed it to me under a microscope, saying it was the moistest skin she'd ever seen). I also have a hyperactive lifestyle - working out until physical exhaustion (ie, mega sweat+dirt) four times a week, & do occasionally get very slight patches of eczema if I'm under a lot of stress or don't clean super well. I also find that my pores clog up a little if I miss a patch on my leg, say, when I'm cleaning (particularly after hard exercise).

These are all very minor things, but I suspect they'll be exacerbated without soap.

Up until now I've found the best solution is to use a very mild, non perfumed soap. I also do dry skin brushing (when I remember, I'm a bit lazy on that front, I'll admit), which helps slough off dead skin cells.

Of course, I'll still use soap before food prep, after the bathroom, or if (like today) I get myself covered in oil up to the elbows. Best not to be a complete idiot & ignore all that science has discovered in the past 200 years.

Also, this does NOT mean no washing. Hell no. Just not using soap. I'll still be scrubbing my body as if I were using soap - so that friction will help clean off dirt etc. I already use a nail brush (without soap) to scrub real tough grime out - eg grass stains on the bottom of my feet after training.

At present I'm a few days in, and definitely in that "argh" stage. I'm going to up the skin brushing a bit, & have more regular showers to help my skin flush away any crud that's coming out.

By the end of January I should have enough data to make a definitive conclusion - for my own body at least. Up to you to figure it out for yourself!

The Moments That Define Us

2009-11-26T11:04:00.000+11:00

Now, from a title like that, you may be thinking I'm talking about those lifetime events that mark our place in history - ala Bill Gates selling DOS to IBM, or Lawn Chair Larry.

No, I'm talking about the moments that define our character, and as a result, ultimately us as human beings.

It breaks down like this. Anyone can be magnanimous, compassionate or loving in good times. What truly defines us is how we behave when things go wrong.

That's right, when something or someone pisses us off. The neighbour runs over our dog, our girlfriend runs off with a leper or someone just doesn't quite behave the way we want them to (which is really a control issue on our part, but I digress).

I once heard the definition of maturity as "The difference in time between our emotional & rational responses to a situation."

That's succinct, but I don't necessarily believe that what's rational is always what's best.

Is it rational to be unconditionally loving towards someone that is treating you like shit? No, but it sure as hell is the fastest way to defuse the situation. See also: Gandhi. It worked out pretty well for him, except for, you know, right at the end.

A less succinct but more accurate definition might be "The difference in time between our fear & love based responses to a situation."

As we get more mature, our love based responses get closer & closer to the surface, and that time delay between fear & love gets ever shorter until it disappears altogether.

For example, I know when I was younger, kids screaming or leaving mess everywhere used to drive me mad. I mean, really crazy. Growing up as the oldest of eight might have done that to me. Heh. These days though, I watch myself, & my first reaction is just "Is it happy screaming? Ok, that's cool." As for mess, well, they're kids. You gently guide & provide a consistent example over a period of years, & eventually they'll sort it out, but there's no rush, they've got a ton of other learning to do too.

This is where those minor daily upsets are actually a good thing. They provide feedback in two ways:

Are we still instinctively reacting badly?
How long is it taking us to calm down afterwards?

The first tells us whether we still have more healing/growing to do in this area, while the second is a quantifiable measure of the progress that we're making.

This doesn't mean I think you should welcome bad/upsetting events into your life, but given that these sorts of things tend to happen anyway, why not take advantage of them?

Ultimately, it's this ongoing collection of upsetting or unexpected situations & our reactions to them. That's what defines us as people.

As we grow & improve, these things bother us less & less.. & we become better people.

I guarantee you one thing. If you can remain positive & loving when everything is falling apart around you, you're going to be incredible when times are good.

Healing the Subconscious

2009-11-20T13:37:00.001+11:00

One of the toughest things about healing is this. Half the time we know something is wrong, but can't put our finger on exactly what the hell is going on.

Why?

Because our mind/ego has a delightful trait of trying to protect us by hiding things from our consciousness.

This is why people get selective amnesia (in extreme cases of trauma), or just forget things (day to day stuff).

This doesn't stop the hidden issue from royally screwing us over, of course.

So, what the hell to do about it?

Well, I found something cool.

I was reading Noah St John's afformations when it hit me.

Now, before you go on, I highly recommend signing up for his book excerpt. Whether you buy it or not is up to you, but the three chapters you get by throwing him your email address are very worth reading.

Ok, so his basic premise is this: Affirmations don't work because our mind rebutts it. "I'm wealthy I'm wealthy" & our mind goes "Uh huh, no you're not." So, it all falls apart. Noah's revelation was that if we phrase affirmations as an open ended question "Why am I so wealthy?" or "How am I so wealthy?" then our mind works for us instead of against us. It starts finding ways to answer the question.

Damn neat idea.

pic by guslight

I got thinking about this in context of healing - of removing those blocks we have, self-sabotages, resistances etc to our success (however you want to define that).

Now, with tapping (EFT), the usual approach is - first we tap out the problem, then we tap in the solution. Negative first, then positive.

Where this falls apart is if we can't see what the hell is going on.. & where open ended questions come to the rescue.

So, rather than tapping, say, "I hate my life" (which isn't great, since it's so general anyway), you tap on "Why do I hate my life?" or "What do I hate about my life?"

Several things happen. First, a lot of times your mind will answer the question - so you then tap on whatever comes up. Just go round a bit until it doesn't really feel like a problem any more. Secondly (& this is far more interesting), stuff will clear out without you ever having any idea what the hell it was that left.

But then, who cares, right? If it's gone, that's all that matters.

I've used this approach a lot over the last few weeks, & I've gotta say, it kicks righteous ass.

So - start with negative questions.. then have a go with the word "still" in there - that'll help clear up any leftovers - eg "Why do I still hate my life?". Then tap in the positive, which in this case would be "Why do I love my life?" or "What do I love about my life?"

I tell yah, works a goddamn treat.

Anger is Stupid

2009-11-03T01:02:00.000+11:00

Two interesting things happened to me this week.

The first, let's call "Event X", was that someone made me very, very angry. There's no value in getting into the specifics, but I've wracked my brain & been unable to come up with a worse thing that anyone has ever done to me. There probably is, I just can't remember it, so let's put it in the top three.

The second, let's call "Event Y", was that I made someone else very, very angry. Again, little value in the specifics - except to say that it was very definitely not intentional on my part (but of course I'd say that! I'm the one telling this story!)

So, Event X. How did I react? Well, firstly, I don't get angry very often. Not really angry. Maybe once every few years. I can distinctly remember the last time it happened, & that was February 2002. I get aggrieved, frustrated, annoyed, miffed.. but not real, cold anger. All these things are happening less & less these days (thankfully), but I'm still human.

To start with, I was in shock. Plain, simple shock that such a terrible thing could be done to me. I then transitioned into serious, hardcore anger. I had a very brief flirt with thoughts of revenge - for less than a second - but where's the value? Then you just have two upset people. As Ghandhi put so eloquently put it "An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind."

Then followed about 5 or 10 minutes of loud swearing (I was home alone), some surprise, disappointment, disbelief, & then, as I let more & more of it go, peace. And action, lots of action, to sort it all out.

pic by urline

So, not ideal, yet. But, over it in a day or so tops. Over the worst of it in about half an hour. For me, that's a huge step forward. I'm happy with it. I'll keep working on it. It will improve.

Ok, let's leave that for the moment & move on to Event Y. Me making someone else angry.

I can't explain how the other person felt, except that they were still bitter & spewing unrequested vitriol in my direction several hours later.

Here's the funny thing though. This wasn't even anyone I know. I'd never met them before. Yes, a completely random internet stranger. Now, if I was going to be completely fair about it, I'd say I might have been a bit pushy. They might have been a bit careless - not paying as much attention as they could have been. Basically a very minor misunderstanding led to me doing something that they deemed utterly abhorrent. In my value system, it qualifies as "uhh, *shrug* so what?" but ok, everyone gets upset by different things.

Anyway, I could see that this person was in pain. They were screaming furious (sound familiar?) All over what to me was a simple misunderstanding, fixed with one click of a button. Them being upset didn't bother me particularly, I just thought, well, they should have paid more attention, & besides, it's such a minor thing, really, who cares?

But of course, different value systems - you can see where the misunderstanding might creep in.

The practical upshot was this - that person poured a ton of negative energy (bile, acid, stress) into their body for an extended period of time. Net effect on me? Basically zero.

Ok, so back to Event X.

Here's what I realised today.

This person had been threatening to do what they actually ended up doing for weeks. I just figured they wouldn't go through with it, so of course it was a huge shock when they did. However, if I'd actually listened to them, and taken action much earlier, I wouldn't even have noticed what they'd done. The effect on me would have been absolutely nothing. Less than nothing. Actually the outcome has been very positive.

So, hang on, I got that angry, for what? Not paying attention? Not acting on what I'd already been told. Basically, I got angry because they did what they said they would do. Because they were as good as their word.

Uh, what?!?

I know I got stressed. Probably shortened my lifespan in the process.

What a complete & utter waste of energy.

Carrie Fisher had a great quote about resentment - but the exact same thing applies to anger, so I'll paraphrase (Thanks Carrie, love your work!):

"Anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"

So true. So very, VERY true.

The Rat And The Rose

2009-10-24T16:10:00.000+11:00

I was at a friend's place having a coffee when I saw the weirdest thing (to help you out, I circled it):

Can you see it? Nope, neither could I, at the start.

However, we'd been watching the cat (a delightful Burmese). The cat had seen something interesting, so we were curious what it was. Usually this sort of thing is just a bird. This time though, it was a rat, about 6 inches long (plus tail).

Then we watched the rat climb the trellis. Uhh, what? A climbing rat? Well, ok, I used to be one of those, so I can dig that.

That's when it got surreal. This rat grabbed one of the roses in its teeth, pulled it off & started climbing down. Now, I got to my camera after it got a foot down the trellis, but check these pics out (I've tried to keep the same rose in the top right hand corner so you can track the rat easier as it progresses downwards):

Just behind the 'marker' rose.

now well below it

even further

and right off the bottom & into the garden.

Wow, crazy.

Oddly, Google doesn't have much in the way of "hey, rats love to eat roses!", so maybe I just got lucky.

Confession

2009-09-23T13:07:00.001+10:00

Nobody has their shit together, or has all the answers. No matter how much they pretend otherwise.

This, of course, includes me.

Turn Every Down Into An Up

2009-09-22T10:46:00.001+10:00

I had a realisation recently.

Fundamentally, the only person that has any control over how I feel is me.

I choose how I feel.

So, any time I feel bad due to someone else's actions, I know that's just a pain body reacting. That's just my ego, getting in the way, hurting me, wanting me to feel pain.

Therefore, by releasing that pain when it comes up. Feeling the feeling & letting it go, I'm healing everything I experience, right there & then.

For more disturbing, larger or messier things, giving it a good old bash with EFT has also helped kick this stuff out.

Every time that I've felt less-than-blissful, it's been an opportunity for me to heal - to heal whatever it is inside me that is reacting to external stimulus, & leaving me feeling bad.

Ha! And life being what it is, there's been a lot of chances for that.

As a result? I know I'm in a much, much better place than I have been, simply as a result of doing this.

Now, this journey hasn't always been pleasant at all. I wouldn't wish some aspects of it in anyone. However, I have observed that things that have recurred have bothered me less & less till they haven't bothered me at all.

Know what happens then? They seem to stop happening at all.

pic by ceeceedotca

Why is that?

Well, some people would say that we draw things into our existence because we are a vibrational match for them. Like attracts like, you know, the law of attraction stuff.

Which means is (as unpleasant as it is to hear this) that every miserable thing I experience is there because some part of me wants it there.

Ok, now before we go getting all suicidal here (because that train of thought can get a bit damn depressing if you follow it too long through every bad thing that's ever happened to you), realise this: These things appear so you can learn.

That's why, when you learn the lesson (or heal), they simply stop happening to you.

In my case, I've had several occasions where I healed enough of that pain & the people responsible quite literally disappeared from my life. Moved away. Overnight.

So that's the good news.

The point here is this: Every bad thing that occurs to you is an opportunity to instantly, easily & significantly improve your life.

Every upset is a chance for growth.

By immediately letting go of the negative emotion you're feeling, as you're feeling it, minute by minute your life is getting - even right through the middle of horrific pain & unpleasantness.

For a start, you'll stop feeling bad even while things that used to upset you are still happening.

More interestingly, those (previously) negative external situations will, as if by magic, stop occurring.

Now, don't take my word for it, check it out yourself, by all means.

However, let's say I'm wrong - what does it matter? If you've let go, completely, of your internal reactions to these painful events, then you won't care anyway. You'll just sit there like a Hindu cow, cool as a cucumber while things spiral around you.

I know because this is exactly how I became. Their pain & suffering would be swirling around in a way that I know would previously have upset me enormously, & it didn't bother me in the slightest. The pain body inside me that had been reacting to that particular stimulus had been completely neutralised.

Also, this comes back to our pain bodies discussion. If there's no internal reaction at all from you, then there's nothing for the other person's pain body to push against - so it naturally dissipates - in the quickest, healthiest way possible.

The key things to remember are:

The sooner after the upset you can heal, the better. The fresher the emotion is inside you, the easier it is to get to & remove completely. Ideally, heal it immediately. This is where releasing is so helpful, coz you can do it while the person is still abusing/shouting at/crying on you. With EFT, you have to imagine tapping the points (or discreetly finger tap) - which works but is harder to do if you're largely concentrating on someone else. Not impossible, but harder than just releasing anything you're feeling inside yourself.

Be persistent. Don't get discouraged if it seems like the same pain keeps coming up. Humans are very layered, & some times it takes a while to really get to the bottom of something. There may be many emotional reactions to a situation, or many subtle variations on a theme (eg, someone can insult, demean, disrespect, dismiss. ignore, put down, or disregard you - all basically the same, all subtly different). Just keep lettinig it all go, it all helps.

The Pain Bodies Inside Us

2009-09-10T19:53:00.001+10:00

Ever catch yourself doing something really stupid? You watch it happening in slow motion, yet can't seem to stop yourself going right ahead and doing it?

Now, there's a ton of things that fit under the heading of 'stupid', ahh, and by goodness, I've done a lot of them.

What I'd like to talk about today is deliberately creating pain, in ourselves & in those around us. When we feel automatically compelled to do things that increase suffering in the world. Typically this is done verbally, but in more extreme cases it can escalate to physical violence.

Eckhart Tolle has a description for this phenomenon, he calls these internal proclivities "Pain bodies."

It's a useful approach. Metaphorically distancing ourselves, even slightly, can give us power over the behaviour. Seeing it as something separate from ourselves helps us gain control.

Of course, this kind of things fits handily under the heading "Self-sabotage." Whereas a lot of forms of self-sabotage can be happily done alone (eg, procrastination), our pain bodies generally require company.

pic by catb

So what to do about them? Well, Tolle's suggestion is simply to be as present as possible, and this is pretty reasonable advice. If you're in the moment, then these occurrences become quite jarring. The behaviour stands out so starkly You can't help but think (whether it's yourself or another) "Hey, where the hell did that come from?"

To kick Tolle's suggestion up a notch in terms of effectiveness, I'd also recommend releasing whatever feelings come up.

Ever notice how hard it is to fight someone who's not responding at all (except with love)? There's a reason for that. Your pain body is trying to latch onto something, something to feed itself with.. and finding nothing. This is, of course, pure Aikido at work.

The same thing works in reverse. When someone near you behaves in a way that is pretty obviously just spoiling for a fight, by releasing any internal reactions inside you, remaining calm, and adding nothing, the entire situation defuses in the fastest way possible.

I've experimented with this extensively, & there really is nothing good or bad you can say that will calm things down quicker than releasing & saying as little as possible.

pic by ladyinpink_1

Of course, in yourself, the same applies. I lose count of the number of times I've felt something ugly or nasty whelling up inside me. By releasing the thought, noticing it but not attaching it & simply letting it go, I'm weakening those pain bodies inside me. Not once have I looked back & thought "Gosh, I sure wish I'd said that nasty thing." Nope, every single time it's been a variant on "Oh man, that would have really hurt someone I care about."

The more you can release at the time, the weaker the pain body becomes.

In yourself, it's simply a case of letting go of the compulsion to hurt those around you. When someone near you is letting their pain body take control, there's two things to release.

First, your reaction to whatever they're saying. Yes, it's going to be hurtful, painful, ugly. That's the nature of a pain body - to try and provoke as extreme a reaction from you as possible. Sure, that person is fully responsible for anything they say, & they shouldn't say it. But that's not the point. Blaming them, or having other negative feelings towards them is only going to make you feel bad, so let it go. Secondly, & once you've let go of any negative reactions to their behaviour, let go of any internal response you may be feeling. That's only your pain bodies trying to get in on the fight.

You could also use EFT or similar - if you're able to identify a specific motivation or drive behind the pain body so you can tune into it & tap later. Starting tapping in the middle of dealing with someone angry or hurt is likely to just piss them off even further. Not recommended.

Can you think of any people who just seem to bring out the worst in you? One minute things are fine, next there's a flaming row & you really have no idea how it started? That's what happens when two pain bodies get in sync and start feeding each other. If either party is able to take even the slightest amount of control, the whole thing defuses incredibly quickly.

Of course, that doesn't mean I'm suggesting for a second you should stay in a situation where someone is wilfully trying to harm you, whether verbally or otherwise.

This isn't about being a martyr, just a little better than yesterday.

Even reducing your pain bodies by the tiniest amount results in exponentially more love in the world. Every interaction with every person for the rest of your life will be just that little bit better. Totally worth the effort.

How To Be Confident

2009-08-25T15:01:00.001+10:00

Confidence is a funny thing. It comes in two flavours. How confident other people believe you are, & how confident you feel internally. The two are related, but not necessarily linked. E.g., it's quite common that other people see us as more confident than we may actually feel.

So how do you go about becoming more confident?

Well, there's a bunch of physical attributes: head up, shoulders back, firm eye contact, firm handshake, steady voice. None of this is new or complicated. You can read more about it here & here.

Changing your posture does change your emotional state, so by all means do the physical stuff as well (it'll help how you feel), but I'm going to talk about working directly on the non-physical stuff.

Let's start with the easy side of things - how we're perceived externally. Other than posture, how do other people assess how confident we are?

By our speech. What we say, how we say it, the words we use.

I got to thinking about this when reading Jeannette Maw's excellent Good Vibe Blog. She was talking about wiping out wimpy words. Words that disempower us, make us sound wishy washy, limit us.

These are all words & phrases that will make us seems significantly less confident than we may actually be.

pic by nnn27

What are some examples?

Hopefully
Probably
Should
I suppose

So, my hypothesis is, if we stop using these kinds of words, we'll appear (externally) more confident.

Well, that sounds worth doing, but wait up a second. Before we rush into this, let's think a little.

Who do we talk to the most, out of all of the people in our lives?

Ourselves, of course.

For every time we say something out loud that makes us sound insecure, we're going to be saying the exact same thing to ourselves dozens if not hundreds of times.

Removing these words from our vocab will not only make us more confident to others, but will also make us notably more confident internally, when talking to ourselves.

As within, so without - maybe it's not quite so much of a surprise after all.

Of course, a healthy goal is to remove that nagging inner voice entirely (through meditation, releasing etc), but until we reach that noble pinnacle of enlightenment & inner peace, we still have to contend with our ego. Why not push things in our favour in the meantime?

What's a good way of removing (or at the very least drastically minimising) specific words & phrases from our vocabulary? Well, the tool I've found best for this task is EFT. It's super simple to use and ridiculously quick.

If you haven't used EFT before, I've put a quick intro up here. The basic gist is to tap (just like tapping a keyboard, but with a coupla fingers at once) on various points around the body, while thinking or saying whatever-it-is you want to fix. The tapping loosens up energy blocks in the body, your energy starts flowing properly again and you automatically heal (since our natural state is to be 100% healthy).

So how to remove a word from your vocab? Just tap the karate chop point (side of hand) while saying something like "Even though I say 'hopefully' I love & accept myself", or "Even though I use the phrase 'I guess' I love & accept myself." Really, the words don't matter too much, just say whatever pops in your head & feels right for you. Once you've said that a few times while tapping your karate chop point, work your way around the points on the body (pic here), saying "I say 'hopefully" or "I use the word 'hopefully'" etc & tapping each point 5-10 times.

Once you've done a couple of full rounds, & if you want to be really thorough, you can do a couple more rounds, saying something like "I still say 'hopefully'." This will clear out any remants that might be left over.

It really is that simple. Total time? 2-3 minutes a word, if that.

pic by pixietart

Here's the list I cleared out yesterday:

hopefully
probably
should
try
pretty sure
I'll figure it out
doubt
can't
want (since want is synonymous with 'lack', why not clear that too?)
I guess
I suppose
I need to
I'm not sure
I don't think
kinda

Of course, everyone uses different words & phrases, so your own list will likely be quite different, but these might help you get started. Just see what resonates for you.

The funny thing is, as you start to clear them out, other commonly used limiting phrases will start to become more obvious & bubble to the surface. I also felt the way I was thinking changing. Sounds insane but it's true. I could feel myself using different phrasing internally, & as I did, my body became more sure of itself. Not quite sure (ha! I'll add that to my list) how that works, but a definite example of the mind/body connection at play.

The net result of all this mucking about? More confident thought patterns, more confident speech & a significantly more confident persona. Total time taken? A little over half an hour.

More On The Mirror Exercise

2009-08-23T15:49:00.000+10:00

I talked about the mirror exercise a while back. I've used this quite a lot, & discovered a few extra tricks to really amp it up, which I thought I'd share.

I Love You
Paying yourself compliments is a good way to start, particularly if you're feeling down on yourself, but the single most powerful thing to say is simply "I love you."

This heals incredibly deeply. Even if you don't believe it, say it anyway. Of course, the more feeling & energy you can put into it, the better. Shout it out loud if you like, it all helps.

pic by prozac74

Imagine It's Someone Else
So how do you say "I love you" if you're struggling to actually love yourself (like so many of us do)? Well, everyone has someone they're comfortable saying (& meaning) I love you to.

So, look at yourself, but get yourself in a loving state by imagining (initially) that you're saying it to that person. This'll get you started with really feeling it. The more you say it to yourself, the easier it'll get. The more strongly you can feel what you're saying, the more powerful.

Smile
Remember how you act when you meet someone you really like. You smile, right? If you genuinely love them, you'll smile even more. So definitely smile at yourself.

It sounds ridiculous, but there's a definite physiological feedback loop. If you genuinely smile, you will cheer yourself up emotionally too (ie, the energy you're pouring into yourself will increase). Ie, physical state affects emotional state. As nutty as it sounds, this is well recognised. See? Here's proof:

One thing to note with smiles. Humans are very good at assessing the truthfulness of a smile. In other words, telling a fake smile from a real smile. What it comes down to is the very small muscles around the eyes (the orbicularis oculi). So, try to smile so it looks genuine to you. Even if you're not feeling it internally to start with, do it anyway. Yes, you will feel like a crazy person, but it's just you & the mirror, so who cares, right? If nothing else, laughing at how nutty you look trying to fake a real smile might set you off into genuine smiling. If so, great!

Tap While You Do It
Using EFT while you say "I love you" will do a hell of a lot of good. Don't panic too much about the details, just tap on the various points around the body, saying "I love you" on each point. If you feel like something is shifting, feel free to stay on that one point, saying "I love you" over & over until it shifts. If not, no biggie.

I guarantee you, a few loops around your body & you'll start to feeling significantly better about yourself.

Use Your Name
This will help you connect with yourself.

Even better than this, use a name or nickname you commonly used when you were younger. An awful lot of pain in our lives starts very young. Connecting with & loving our younger selves helps bring up, heal & remove this pain in the simplest, least painful way possible. You'll feel it.

All these things help amp up the basic exercise. Simply use any (or all!) of them that resonate with you. I've been doing this every morning recently (my shower has a mirror opposite, so I get to tap & wash at the same time), & it gets each day off to a brilliant start.

How To Stop Feeling Bad

2009-08-18T13:10:00.001+10:00

Why do we feel bad?

It's a good question.

An easy answer would be "because bad stuff happens to us", but what for one person would be a disaster, someone else might barely notice.

So what's actually going on here?

In a nutshell?

We beat ourselves up.

That little voice in our heads giving us shit. Yep, it's our ego.

No big surprise there then. So what can we do about it?

Well, stop complaining is certainly a good start, but there's more to it than just that.

For example, how many different ways are there of beating ourselves up?

Regrets, disappointments, undesirable events, worrying about the future, things we dislike about ourselves, or (even sillier) things we dislike about others ("Why oh why did I choose a husband like this?") That's the craziest of all. Resentment about someone else is like drinking poison & expecting the other person to get sick.

Notice that all of these things are either in the past or in the future? Yep, that's not a surprise. More on that later.

A good rule of thumb though? Any time we say something to ourselves that makes us feel worse, that's beating ourselves up, in one way or another.

Ok, so we've mapped out the field, how to deal to this behaviour? How to stop it?

The Reductionist Method
Here's one method that has worked wonders for me.

Every morning I sat down & brainstormed a few lists "Things I disapprove about myself", "Regrets", "Disappointments", "Worries" etc. (You can use any phrasing that resonates). Next, I just worked my way down each list I'd made, healing each item in turn. The whole thing would take, 10 maybe 15 minutes tops.

pic by gwilmore

What I noticed was, each day the lists got shorter, & the items I'd healed didn't come back (or they looked like they came back, but were actually subtly different - i.e. different sub-aspects of a larger issue).

After a few days, I couldn't think of anything for any of the lists. Oh, & I also wasn't thinking any of those crappy thoughts about myself any more.

The fewer negative thoughts you have, the better you'll feel. It's not rocket science.

Of course, when you're making these lists, the things that come up first will be the things you're thinking most often. Those at the top of the list will be the loudest complaints. As you clear those out, you'll naturally work deeper & quieter, till eventually you're clearing out more & more subtle negativity. It's a great, natural way to clear through internal noise in a way that gets you the greatest benefits immediately, but gets more deeply powerful the longer you continue.

It's also good just to do it a little bit each day. Often we need a good night's sleep to fully process & clear things out of our systems.

How to heal this negative self-talk? Well, you can use whatever tool appeals to you. Some of the things that came up I used EFT on, some I used the release technique (aka the Sedona Method), & some I used Reiki. I just trusted my intuition & used what felt right (mostly releasing).

Our ego has a thousand ways of making us feel bad. Constantly nattering at us, trying to bring us down. This is just a good, time effective way I've found to proactively clear out a huge chunk of that crap. Each day getting clearer, lighter & happier.

The Holistic Method
Ok, so, remember how all this negative self talk was either in the future, or in the past? Well, that's not an accident.

Remember Eckhart Tolle? Well, he's way ahead of me on this one. See, if you're the kind of person for whom a methodical approach is just not for you, well, here's what he recommends.

Get yourself completely "in the present." Just be here now.

It's that simple. Let go of all the noise in your head. Stop thinking your thoughts. If they come up, simply let them go.

pic by savannahgrandfather

The important thing to remember is - you are not your thoughts. It's your mind thinking them, not you. Which means you have a choice, seriously, whether you want to keep thinking them or not. As with all things, you always have a choice.

Same thing with any feelings that come up. Just observe them, but let them go too.

This way, you stay 100% in the present moment. You can still be going about your day, doing whatever, but any thoughts & feelings that come up from the past or about the future, just let them drift off.

Now, there's a couple of interesting things about this. Firstly, if you genuinely do welcome up (without attachment) any thoughts or feelings you have, & let go of them fully, they won't come back. (Very loosely, this is how you release).

Be gentle with yourself though, because one large issue can often have a ton of little sub-issues to it that may all need to be cleared. It may seem like you're making no progress, but just keep letting go, keep letting go. Pretty soon you'll start to see the difference.

Secondly, the more you can hold yourself in that present moment, the more junk will naturally come up. Why? Because being in that state holds you in a very specific (very powerful) state of vibration. Much like shaking a dirty glass of water, anything counter to that vibration will float to the top. Of course, the important thing is just to keep letting go of everything that comes up. You feel bad? Great! Let it go. Nasty thoughts or memories? Wonderful! Let those go too. They're only coming up because they're not in accordance with the person you're becoming, with that powerful "Now" vibration that you're holding.

It's all good stuff.

Plus, if you're truly present? Well, it's feels great. Best feeling in the world. So that's a nice bonus too.

Oh, & there's nothing saying you can't use both methods - making lists and being present. Every little bit helps. As Buddha said, "There are many fingers pointing at the moon, but only one moon."

I Love Myself For Hating This

2009-06-07T19:33:00.000+10:00

Sometimes life just sucks.

Well, actually it never sucks, but that's a whole other story.

Sometimes it feels like life just sucks.

Everything seems to be going wrong. We're in a terrible mood. We ate some bad clams & the neighbour just ran over our poodle.

In these situations, despite everything we know (in our brains), it can be super hard to even motivate ourselves to do the simple things that will help. Meditate, EFT, go for a run, you name it.

So, here's a simple trick I learned. Enough to kick you out of a slump & get you calm enough to bring your other tools into play.

Just say "I love myself for hating this."

That's it. You don't even have to believe it, just say it. Keep saying it. You'll feel yourself calm down super quick.

Like so many of these things, the more energy you put into it the better it will work, of course.

If you've got the space, hell, scream it.

Why not? & besides, a good scream now & then can be cathartic. Just don't scare the cat.

Why does it work? Well, firstly it takes your focus (ie your energy) away from "it" - the thing you're hating, angry about, upset by or whatever, & brings it onto yourself.

Secondly, you're giving yourself love, approval, acceptance. Even just saying the words "I love myself" with zero energy behind it is helpful, if you're in a really negative space. If you can say it & mean it, well, so much the better.

What's this all about? Well, self-love, self-approval, self-acceptance are the corner stone of any deep healing.

& what better time to heal than when you're pissed off about something? Maximum emotional connectivity, so maximum effectiveness.

Oh, & feel free to change the words around to suit your situation. "I love myself for being upset", "I love myself for throwing up", "I love myself for dancing badly." It's your life, you make the rules.

One thing I've been learning in spades recently is that life can always be easier, if we just get the hell out of the way & let it be.

Oh, & here's another awesome technique I found that helps too. Super simple, takes about 2 seconds. It's all great stuff!

Just Be You, The Most Awesome You Ever

2009-05-23T16:42:00.001+10:00

Comparing ourselves to others is for noobs!
As people, we're funny. There's this natural tendency to compare ourselves to others.

Typically, we do something like this:

Me: $30
Donald Trump: $eleventy billion
Conclusion: I suck

or maybe

Me: kinda good looking
Angelina Jolie: super hot (if you go for that sort of thing)
Conclusion: I suck

There are a couple of obvious issues here. One might be our choice of attribute to compare. I'm sure this won't come as a surprise, but people are a bit more complex than just hotness + wealth.

So why compare ourselves based on wealth, or hotness? Just coz people are generally deluded into believing they're important? It's as arbitary & ridiculous as lining up the planet according to nose freckliness!

So, maybe if we are going to compare ourselves to others, we should just choose better. Eg

Me: Nice hair
Donald Trump: Nice toupee?
Conclusion: I rock!

Now, this isn't about taking cheap shots at famous people. Far from it.

It's a natural tendency to compare ourselves to others, particularly when we think they're better than us in some way. Know what though? It's pretty much bullshit.

Making these comparisons is a recipe for misery & disaster. But you already knew that.

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

So here's a better suggestion. Just be you.

In fact, here's a even better suggestion than that. Why not be the most amazing you you possibly can be?

Do you reckon when you get up to heaven, God'll say to you "Man, you were the lousiest Jack Black ever!"? Of course not. There's already a Jack Black here & he's doing a perfectly good job of being him, thankyouverymuch.

You're here with one purpose. To be you.

Not to be anyone else. Not even to be like anyone else, unless you really want to be (& I've gotta admit, Jack's maniacal grin does have a certain appeal).

Other people's opinions are none of my business
Hey, & while we're on the subject, what's up with caring what anyone else thinks?

They're here to live their life. You're here to live your life. If they want to think your life is particularly silly? Well, uhh, so what?

After all, they are allowed to have any opinion they like. Doesn't make it true! And, while we're there, you're welcome to have any opinion you like about their life. Doesn't make your opinion true either (although, of course, we all like to think we're right. Heh)

If you've been hanging out on Twitter, you'll know exactly what I mean. You say something, & suddenly people unfollow you. What the?!? Well, you know what? If they don't like what you say, why would you want them following you anyway? If they don't like who you truly are (assuming you're being genuinely yourself, of course) then they're going to make pretty lousy friends.

Ahh, life, it's a funny old thing.

So, to recap. Just be you. What anyone else thinks of you? Well, that's really none of your business, so just let it go. That's their problem, not yours.

But who am I?
Now of course, all this just raises another question. How the hell do you know who you are? The "Why am I here?" question is one of life's biggies.

Well, here's a secret. This is why we have emotions. They're like little signposts.

Basically, anything you do which takes you closer to a place of true joy? That's you. That's you really being you.

I'm not talking about enjoyment - the brief happiness that comes from eating an icecream or a particularly satisfying game of Halo - I'm talking about deep, abiding joy.

Here, watch this video. See the spark on their faces? That's joy. That's a couple of people doing what's nearest & dearest to their hearts.

Know what? You have that inside you too. Maybe you've found it, maybe you haven't yet, but it's there.

There's something, or many things, that are super easy to you. That you just happen to be great at. You probably don't think it's so much, but other people look & go "Wow, how are you so awesome at that?" Well, that's where you should be looking. That's a clue.

If time seems to stand still, or the whole day disappears while you're doing something? That's a clue too.

If something is making you feel crappier? Well, that's a sign you probably shouldn't be doing it so much. We're here to be happy, after all. How do I know? The Dalai Lama told me, & who am I to argue with him!

Finding that joy, that raison d'etre? That's the thing to chase. Or rather, that's the thing to chill out, stop stressing about life & let it find you. Just pay attention, it's there, you'll see it.

Bigger is not better. Think quality not quantity
Oh, & while we're on the subject? This whole fascination the western world seems to have with changing the world? That the only life worth living is one where the whole world knows your name? Well, screw that too.

Life is much, much simpler than that. Sure, some people are gonna be the Mother Therasas, the Bill Gateses, the Michael Jordans (ha ha, name plurals crack me up) of the world, but that's not what it's about.

It's about the people around you. Those are the people that you're really affecting.

If you're filled with joy & doing what you love, even if it's something as simple as tending the garden out the front of your cottage, you're adding so much light to the world. When you're happy, the people around you feel that. They get happier. The world needs more happy people, so start with you.

Forget about the starving children in Africa (unless that's where your joy is). Every day you're slightly happier, slightly more full of joy, doing that which brings you joy, the world is a better place. The people around you will be in a better place because of you. You'll be inspiring them.

That's all that matters. Everything else is just details.

It's ok to have what the world might deem a small life. What matters is just that you lived it fully. That you followed your heart. That, as much as possible, you felt that joy inside you & let it spill out into the world around you. Whether the world that you influence has five billion people in it or only five is entirely irrelevant. Think quality, not quantity.

Just as a rising tide lifts all boats, so you in your joyful place will lift all those around you. Be that tide. Be truly you.

Happiness Is Always A Choice

2009-04-29T11:39:00.001+10:00

So let's rock this up a notch. We've already discussed that we are not our thoughts or emotions. We've checked out not verbalising negative thoughts. What's the next logical thing to do?

Take it back a step, of course.

If we're not our thoughts or emotions, well, who controls them?

We do! We're the damn boss, & it's about time they knew that.

Oooh, easier said than done, of course (or is it?) If you've (as I have) spent a lifetime believing that our thoughts & emotions were us, it can be a tricky mindset to adjust.

"I'm angry"
"I feel cheated"
"I worried about this"

Nope, completely wrong.

"I'm experiencing feelings of anger"
"I'm experiencing feelings of being cheated"
"I'm experiencing thoughts of worry"

Choose to walk? Choose to fly. Pic by missvivienne

Ever seen kids at play? They bang themselves, cry, then two minutes later they're back playing again, as happily as if it never happened.

What's going on here? Ok, short attention span might help. Being in the moment definitely helps, but a very important factor is this:

They haven't been trained that they're "supposed" to hang onto things yet.

They don't know about holding onto grudges, or resentment, or pain.

Remember the first time someone really, deeply, hurt you? Still feel that?

Well, how long are you going to hold onto that pain for? Hell, for all you know, the person that caused it is dead now.

Ok ok, so I'm not saying this to belittle the pain you've experienced in your life. Not at all.

The point is this - we make a choice. We always make a choice.

With every thought, every emotion, we make a choice. Hold onto it, or let it go.

Sometimes we have rules. Eg, it's ok for us to let go of these thoughts or emotions:

After a certain period of time ("Oh, that was years ago")
After the other person has behaved a certain way (eg, apologised)
After the other person has suffered
.. or is dead.

All these rules. Why? They're all bullshit.

They're all rules that we're holding onto that stop us from experiencing happiness now.

How about if you had new rules.

When the physical pain dissipates, I choose to forget about the incident that caused it
It's safe to let go of pain, because I remember the lessons learned
Regardless of how those around me behave, I am the boss of my emotions, & I'll choose how I react (if at all)
I will only continue to entertain thoughts that I enjoy & let the rest go
I will actively choose to think thoughts that make me feel better
If doing something makes me feel better, I'll do it more often.
If doing soomething makes me feel worse, I'll do it less.

Or, best of all, just decide, "I'm the boss of how anything makes me feel."

Because, & here's a huge secret, YOU ARE.

pic by phuongthao202002

Now yes yes, I can hear you bringing up objections. Life isn't always that simple. It's complicated, messy, we never know what's happening next.

Well here's another secret (I'm full of them today). It's not about being perfect. It's just about being better. Just a little better, tiny steps at a time.

Sure, we all have days where we're a bit slow on the uptake. Get into a bad spiral & take a while to twig to what's going on. That's perfectly ok. Totally normal. Utterly usual.

The point is simply that every moment we choose a higher vibration thought or emotion over a lower one. Ie, we choose to let go of things that bug us, is a moment we become happier.

Another great thing about this process is that if we truly let go, then those thoughts & emotions, over time, stop recurring.

We do, genuinely become happier.

How do I know this? Well, this is exactly what I've been doing over the last few weeks.

In some very real & measurable senses, my life is currently the worst it's ever been. Know what? I don't care. Sure, I've had some freakouts. Total wigouts where I've been a mess for a day. Then I pick myself up, let go of the crappy thoughts & emotions. Heal anything obvious.

And then? Yes. Feel better. Feel happy. Truly. Peacefully.

Even in this situation, I can honestly say I have never felt happier in my life. What's more, every day I know I'm slightly happier than the day before, on average.

The mess around me will be sorted, and soon. Life always changes, & external things will improve. And I'll be happy then too. Because I've chosen to be. Just made a decision "I don't care what happens around me, I'm going to do everything I possibly can to be happy."

Life has ups & downs, definitely, but the more of those downs I choose to let go of, the happier I'm becoming... and if I can do it, so can you. One thought, one emotion at a time.

Stop Whining, Start Winning

2009-04-17T16:21:00.001+10:00

How often do you complain?

No, I don't mean half hour long soliloquies at the barista because your coffee is cold, I mean just everyday complaints.

Anytime you verbally express a negative thought, that's a complaint.

Why do we do this? Habit, typically. Sometimes boredom, But deeper than that - oftentimes it's a social thing (f***mylife is an example) - it's socially encouraged to bond over misery stories. To sympathise, express empathy & so on. Sometimes it's a way of adjusting social hierarchies - I'm your superior, but if I express misery that makes us more equal, & thus you more comfortable. If I feel inferior, complaining about you might (in theory) make me feel better about myself by diminishing you somehow. Many entire cultures have whinging as a core attribute (England, I'm looking at you).

With all those people doing it, what's the big deal? I mean, really?

Fundamentally, it damages us.

Talking about something gives it our attention, our energy. Gives it power.

Focus on the moon, not the clutter of trees.

Basically, whining makes you feel shitty.

If you believe in the law of attraction, then the more you talk about something, the more you're going to attract more of that thing. Want a miserable day tomorrow? Spend a bunch of time talking about how miserable today was.

If you think LOA is a bunch of hokum, well think about it this way - why the hell are you wasting you time, energy & attention focussing on something you don't like? How on earth is that making you any happier? Any more productive? Sorting the problem out, or improving your life? It's not.

Sure, undesirable things happen. So what? What really matters is how we react to them. Martin Seligman in Learned Optimism discovered that the key difference between success & failure in life is how we treat setbacks. Fundamentally, we do better, get luckier & have more success the less energy we give to these negative events. Pessimists talk a lot about setbacks. Optimists dismiss them. This is eloquently summed up by Sylvester Stallone who likes to dismiss negative situations with "They probably just ate some bad clams."

As Viktor Frankl said, (paraphrased) the only real freedom we have is the freedom to choose how we react to any event.

The less attention you give negative events (other than the minimum necessary to physically deal with them, of course), the more of your time is focussed on things you actually want. Your goals. Your happiness. Feeling good.

Whinging takes us out of that zone of joy. Out of expressing ourselves in the world. In the process, it adds nothing positive to our lives at all. The more we can reduce it, the better we feel about our lives. About our days. About how things are going for us. Why? Because how we feel about ourselves is the sum total of our thoughts. The more of those thoughts are positive, the better we feel.

If you remember nothing else, remember this:

Your quality of life is directly proportional to how much of the time you feel good.
Yes, that's incredibly obvious. You want to have a better life? Spend more of it feeling better.

Of course, the question is - how do you increase how much you feel good? Well (& a big duh to this one) stop making yourself feel miserable so often. You may not be able to help what happens to you, but you can definitely change how much time you spending talking, thinking or focussing on these bad things around you.

Try it for a week. Anytime you catch yourself whinging, deliberately let that thought go, & think (or better, say!) something positive instead. Or heck, if you can't do that, just shut the hell up - that's a great first step. See how great you start feeling, by comparison. Notice how much better things get in your life - people reacting more positively to you, opportunities arriving, things just somehow going smoother.

We only have so many minutes each day. Make them count. Make them positive ones. It's just a choice.

[If you'd like to read more, my man Dhrumil has a great podcast here about why we complain, & how to help others we see complaining. Also worth checking is AComplaintFreeWorld]

Meditation for HeadBangers

2009-04-04T16:27:00.003+11:00

Meditation typically brings to mind images of sitting in full lotus on a mountain top somewhere, head in the clouds, a slight levitation visible.

Ever meet anyone that's done that?

pic by pureenergy

No, me either.

Fortunately, if you step back & look at meditation as a concept, it's really just aiming to do two things:

Empty your brain of thoughts (you remember those, they're the things that are not-you)
Bring you into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness

This is pretty much the description of flow. Any athlete in peak performance has that. In fact, any peak performer, in any area, is in that state.

No thoughts, no noise, just pure beingness.

If you're anything like me, you've heard great things about meditating. Sat down, tried it, & given up due to distraction. Or, you know, found something more important that urgently needed doing.

So what's the trick?

Well, to start with, yep, it can be hard. Thoughts swirl around us like dust in a tornado. We're assailed from every direction. It can seem damn near impossible.

Here's a trick though. Who said you have to be sitting still to meditate? Try going for a walk, or a run - or just sit & jiggle your leg if you're feeling lazy. That's fine too.

Second, who said you have to be quiet? It's your mind that you're trying to get to shut up.

So, how about this. Get some music you really like. Preferably stuff without words - you don't want to be putting new thoughts into your mind. Preferably reasonably fast - otherwise your brain may (will!) start wandering in the gaps.

For me, I'm a fan of high bpm (beats-per-minute) dub, drum & bass, and other electronica. It has a regular rhythm, which means you can kind of tune it out, but it's fast enough that it drowns out most of what's going on upstairs.

Crank it up loud & start walking, running, or jiggling.

You'll find the music & movement will swamp most of your thoughts. This is a great start. It just makes it easier to see any remaining thoughts that peep out from above the noise.

Now, what to do when you do catch yourself drifting off? Well here's the trick.

Just pay attention. When you see thoughts arising, bring your focus back to the music (or the exercise). Let the thought go. You can always worry about it later, turn it into a haiku or scribble it on a balloon & fling it to the wind.

Each time your brain starts burbling away, get back into the music. You did choose loud music you absolutely adore, right? Well, that'll make it easier.

(be sure to stretch before attempting this super-advanced meditational asana)
pic by juljo

As an added benefit? It'll make you happier. Less crap going on upstairs, listening to music that makes your heart beat that little bit faster, endorphins pouring through your body...

Besides, you can always sit still & just breathe when you reach the top of the hill.

ps. If you're keen to try some other non-standard techniques for stilling the mind, my good friend Dhrumil has an excellent 15min audio on "Falling Still" (or if you prefer, a 20 min video). Then there's always those old saw-horses EFT & releasing, of course - to get rid of specific thought patterns. Or, you know, just try all of it & see what works for you.

Better Communication In One Second

2009-03-31T22:07:00.000+11:00

I'm going to start a little geeky, but be patient, I'll keep it super short & it's totally relevant.

What's interesting about TCP (heard of TCP/IP? Yeah, it's part of that) is how the initial communication, the 'handshaking' bit goes. Very roughly, it's goes like this:

Hello? [SYN]
I can hear you! [SYN-ACK]
Me too! [ACK]

Here's a picture I found to stop you falling asleep. See? They're just starting a wee conversation:

(ok, geek stuff over. Told you it'd be short.)

So what, I hear you say. Well, TCP runs everything. The entire internet, any smart phone, hell they're even talking about using it to talk to satellites out across the solar system. Anything smarter than a toaster these days depends on it to operate properly.

So yeah, it's important.

And so are those "ACK"s. Notice how 2/3 of the initial conversation is just ACKs? Computers like to be ACKnowledged. It makes them feel safe & secure.

Well, here's a secret - so do people.

See, the ACK doesn't really add any useful information to the conversation, and yet, it's critical.

It doesn't answer any questions, doesn't actually 'do' anything, and yet everything falls apart without it.

Same thing with human communication, we're just more resilient, so that falling apart is less obvious.

If you say "Hey!" to a friend, and they don't respond, how are you going to feel? Pretty terrible, I'd bet. At the very least, you'd wonder if they saw you, or maybe if you upset them somehow, or if there was something wrong.

All it takes is a flick of their eyes or a smile to let you know that your communication has been received & all is well in the world.

Of course, face to face communication is pretty obvious like that.

How about other forms, like email (or even twitter)?

How often have you received an email that you weren't ready to answer immediately? Maybe you were busy, it was long, required thought, or you just weren't in the mood. A response as simple as "Thanks for email, crazy day, will respond later tonight" can work wonders. It lets the other person know that their email has been received, that you're just busy, and that they're not being ignored. Plus it buys you a little time.

Twitter (or texting) is even more extreme, of course. But how often have you tweeted someone & got no reply, then wondered "Did I offend them?" "Are they ok?" "What's going on?" Any of these thoughts would be a reasonable response, and all could be removed with a simple "Thanks! :)" or equivalent.

It's not the length of reply that matters, just the emotion behind it. In fact, the shorter the reply the better, generally. Just enough to let the person know you're there, you care, & you're thinking of them.

It may feel like you're over-communicating, but really you're just acknowledging the importance of that other person to you.

How long does this sort of thing take? About as long as flick of the eyes across a crowded room. Maybe a second.

Quality communication is not about length. It's about emotion & clarity. A quick genuine reply followed by a considered response later is far superior to a mammoth missive in a week, with the other person left hanging the entire time.

Also, it's much less stressful for you, as you don't have it hanging over your head with that same sense of urgency. You win, they win. What's not to like?

The Mirror Exercise

2009-03-22T21:01:00.001+11:00

This is an oldie but goodie. It's simplicity belies it's power.

Regardless of how easy it is to lie to someone else, it's much, much harder to lie to ourselves. At least, it's much harder when we're actively paying attention.

Find a mirror & some personal space. Look yourself in the eyes, & say "I love you."

That's it. Just say that. Over & over. Out loud. Try to mean it, feel it.

Now, don't be surprised if you find this difficult. Saying it & really meaning it will often trigger things deep within us. Doubts, fears, negative self-image, and so on.

pic by leenah

Deep down, everyone harbours dark thoughts about themselves.

That's ok. The important thing is just to be sincere. If saying "I love you" is too difficult, start small.

"You have nice hands"
"Your hair doesn't totally suck"
"Umm, nice socks"

It really doesn't matter. In fact, it's better to say something small & seemingly irrelevant with deep conviction than something stronger with no energy behind it.

Some tips:

Compliment yourself sincerely.
Be specific, go into details.
Keep eye contact, don't let your eyes gaze over.
Use your name, like you're talking to another person.
Mix it up - try to think of every positive thing you possibly can about yourself.
Be persistent, don't be afraid to say the same thing over & over if you feel things shifting
If any emotion or tension arises, this is good. Just accept it, & let it go.

The important thing is just to give yourself approval, no matter how small. Larger things will come easier with time.

The other thing that will make a big difference? Do it for a while. More than just a minute or two. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, half an hour or longer if you can manage it.

I know when I first started doing this - I couldn't even look myself in the eye. I'd catch myself looking away, or blinking. It was quite surreal. When I finally managed to hold my own gaze, I felt I couldn't say "I love you" without feeling like a phoney. Another surprise. Then, I just felt waves of emotion cascading out of me. Tears. Relief, then finally joy & peaceful self-acceptance.

Anytime you want to feel good about yourself, this is a sure fire way to do it.

It's surprising, but such a simple little thing as giving ourselves genuine approval is some of the most powerful self-healing we can do.

You Are Not Your Thoughts, Emotions Or Body

2009-03-20T15:19:00.000+11:00

Here's an old, but useful exercise:

Pay attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking right now?

Ok. Good.

Here's another one:

What are you feeling right now? What is your primary emotion?

Ok, excellent. Bear with me.

If you lost your little finger in an accident, would you still be you? Or, put another way, since every cell in your body replaces itself every 7-10 years, or sooner, at any point do you stop being you?

See, it breaks down like this. If you can be aware of your thoughts, then you are not your thoughts. We have thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.
With emotions, it's even more obvious. Unfortunately in English we say things like "I am angry." In French or German things are more instructive. They say "I have anger." We have emotions, but we are not our emotions.
We are obviously not our physical body either. We have a body, but there's something more going on.

If you've read a little bit, I'm sure none of this is a surprise. Eckhart Tolle talks about these realisations as part of his enlightenment experience. Oh, & if you get the chance to see him live, I thoroughly recommend it, he's a superbly entertaining speaker.

Of course, this is the point where I could totally understand you saying "Well, ok, so what?" & fair enough too.

This is one of those understandings that it's easy to have intellectually, but might take years before it's really cemented into your being. Really knowing something in your heart can be funny like that.

If we're not our thoughts, emotions or bodies, then what are we? Well, that's another good question. I don't have any easy answers to that, except to say that we're what's left when thoughts & emotions are taken away. We're the space in which they form.

I'm not generally a huge fan of philosophical posturing. You can sit around & talk nonsense for years, but how does it help unless you actually apply it, or do something, or change something?

So, here's something useful you can do with this information.

If you're not your thoughts, or your emotions, then when you sense these things arising, you can let them go, just as easily as they arose.

If you start thinking something that takes you out of your place of joy (or just generally makes you feel bad), then realise they're just thoughts, spontaneously arising. You don't have to keep thinking them. You don't have to stay focussed on that subject. Just let it go. Drop it, or if that doesn't work, distract yourself with something you enjoy more. Why not? I mean, who's the boss - you, or your thoughts?

Same thing with emotions. Feel a negative emotion, you don't have to keep feeling that. You'll only keep feeling it for as long as you choose to. I realise this is a little inflammatory, we're more or less raised to believe that emotions are these powerful things that we either feel intensely, or completely deny (There's that "I am angry" or "I am not angry" thing again).

Bottom line though, who's the boss of you? Are your emotions the boss of you? Well, no, they're not. You can see this when you see two people experience the same event, and react completely differently. Or by watching how much people vary in terms of calming down after an upsetting event.

Emotions do tend to be a little more overwhelming at times. There are many ways to gain control back though. EFT is a good one - that'll allow you to drop any negative emotional reaction altogether. Meditation, Yoga & exercise are helpful too. Anything that helps you maintain your centre, your sense of self - rather than being swept away with events around you.

Once you realise that thoughts & emotions are not you, just things happening to you, you're taking a huge, positive step towards freedom. The more you let go of them as they occur, the less power they have over you, & the more they start to disappear. The more they disappear, the calmer your life becomes, & the more you become, well, you. That sparkling ball of light, love & energy right at the core of your being. The part of you that people fall in love with. The part of you that your friends (the good ones, not the bitchy ones) adore so much.

Well, that's a pretty tall order, so where to start? Just start by paying a little attention. Notice when thoughts or emotions are running away from you. Give yourself a chance to step back a little, let them go. Even just doing that tiny little thing will start to pay dividends immediately. After all, what do you have to lose? The real You, not the thinking/emoting/farting you?

These Are Not Your Stories

2009-03-18T14:35:00.001+11:00

I was at a shaman workshop last weekend, and the concept of "the stories of our life" came up.

This makes a lot more sense than merely the singular "story of our life."

Our lives are a multitude of layers, thousands of experiences, all layered upon each other, all combining together to make the gloriousness that is us!

So, first thing to do is recognise these stories for what they are. How do we find them? Easy, just switch off your thinking brain, & start writing!

Eg, for me, they'd go something like:

I was born in Australa (that's a story)
We moved around a lot when I was a kid (another story)
I grew up in a lower-middle class family

and so on..

The critical thing here is this - when we think about identity, ourselves, who we are, it's these stories that define us. These are the things that we tell ourselves over & over each day, in the back of our minds.

And that's exactly the problem.

The more we tell ourselves these stories, the more they define us.

You get in a troubled relationship, make the mistake of extrapolating a bit too much, & start telling yourself "I always fall for the wrong guy/gal", and hey presto, you're going to start doing that in your life. These are self fulfilling prophecies.

Imagine having a guy who followed you around all day, whispering in your ear "you suck!" or "you're a failure!". How long do you think before your life really did start sucking? (or, perhaps a better move, you punched him out).

The problem is, this is exactly what our mind is doing to us. It's why shamans deliberately let go of their stories as part of their training. Why buddhists learn to detach themselves from their egos. It's all the same thing.

Now, that's a pretty big goal, so what's a good first step?

Well, how about realising that a whole bunch of these stories aren't even ours?

90% of what happened before I left home? Those aren't my stories.

Anything I didn't directly choose, or was just something I was told? Those aren't my stories.

I didn't choose to move around as a child. I didn't choose where to live, how much money the family had, & so on. These were my parents' decisions. Sure, they affected me at the time, but they're only my stories if I choose to make them so. They only continue to affect me if I choose to make them part of the collection of stories I tell myself.

Even just changing the focus can help enormously. "I'm from a lower-middle class family" to "I had lower-middle class parents" or "My parents were lower-middle class." At each step removed it's less & less self-defining, so the story has less power. If you want to keep it at all.

Ditto with relationships. How many relationships have you been in where this person, that you chose, respected & loved has told you something terrible about yourself? You're a terrible lover, useless in business, embarrassing to be seen with, and so on.

Why are you choosing to continue telling yourself that story? ("I'm embarrassing to be seen with"). It's not your story, it's just their opinion, their story.

We have the choice, we always have the choice not to continue telling ourselves these stories.

Realising that we have these stories is an important first step.
Identifying which ones we can let go of is enormously empowering.
An easy first step is to chuck out all the ones we have that were never ours to begin with.
When we can finally release them all, then we're well on the way to being truly free to live.

Rewrite Your Past

2008-12-19T16:55:00.001+11:00

Memory is notoriously unreliable.

It's a fair bet that most of the memories we have are confused, jumbled, or otherwise incorrect. Certainly not accurate enough to hold up in court - this is, after all, why policemen write down everything at the scene of a crime.

The funny thing is, these are the memories that we torture ourselves with. Regret over things done or not done. Disappointment at other people & ourselves. Perceived failures & missed opportunities.

Even when we're not actively beating ourselves up, those memories are still there in the background, providing (unpleasant) flavour.

If our memories are likely to be wrong (to some degree) anyway, why not at least make them pleasantly wrong? Who's to say they have to be an accurate reflection of the past? Surely what happens in your head is 100% your business?

Of course, changing your memory of your phone number isn't the cleverest thing in the world, but there are plenty of other juicy candidates. How about

all those situations where you've been socially confident, the life of the party
the successful presentations you've given
how popular you were at school
all those payraises
the deeply loving & supportive relationships
the peaceful breakups
how effortless it's been for you to meet new people
those moments with your parents where you truly understood how much they loved you
that long history of high figure sales
the times you've stunned those around you with your brilliance & insight

You get the idea! Make your (remembered) life as beautiful, poetic & magical as you like!

pic by alicepopkorn

It's your brain - own it!

So how to do this? Well, it doesn't have to be any more complicated than finding a quiet spot, remembering back to specific life situations you've had, and imagining them going however-you-want. Keep imagining them until the old memory fades away & the new replaces it (this is very well researched phenomena). If you feel like part of you is struggling with this, you can always tap while you do it, but that's totally up to you.

Your life is nothing but the sum of your memories. Why not start a new life, right now?

Just start with whatever pops in your head. Recreate your memories, making them as awesome as you possibly can. As Orwell famously said "Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past." Well you control the present.

As within, so without.

& here's a little anecdote to whet your appetite. I had a particular situation with a certain person a few years back, where perhaps they didn't give me the recognition or appreciation I would have liked. In the few years since then, they've never really mentioned this, let alone made any kind of big deal about it. Just not in their nature.

So hey, I did the above. Imagined them really understanding how much effort I'd put in to help them.. and showing me. I imagined myself feeling deeply appreciated. Loved. Thanked. It was awesome! *laugh*

Didn't take long. The whole thing? Maybe 5 minutes.

The only difference I could outwardly detect was that I felt more loving towards them. That aside, I promptly forgot about it.

Next day, I'm surfing the web, & what do I find? A couple of paragraphs in a very public location, from them, acknowledging & stating exactly what I'd imagined. Giving me that thanks, that appreciation. Exactly how I (now) remember it going.

Coincidence? Maybe. You decide.

The Map'n'Tap - clearing complex issues

2008-12-16T22:05:00.001+11:00

A lot of times trying to heal something can be a bit crazy. Often there are so many things that seem relevant that it's almost impossible to know where to start, let alone where to go from there.

So, what to do, what to do?

What I've found works well is to mind-map the issue out, and then tap your way through the map.

What's a mind map? Well, there's a ton of ways of doing them, but the simplest is just to write whatever-issue-it-is in the middle of the page, then just draw lines out from there to anything else that pops into mind while thinking about the issue.

From there you then think about each of those things, and draw lines outward, just connecting each thought to any others that pop up.

(I have a couple of examples below)

This has a lot of benefits:

Rather than having to come up with everything in one go, you can just spit bits out as they come to you
Once something is written down, you can drop it from your mind rather than having to hold everything in short-term memory
By focussing on each sub-issue in turn, it's much easier to find subtle, smaller related facts that may otherwise have been lost - often I've found a core issue right at the root of things only after tracing through 4 or 5 links
Roughly speaking, the closer in to the centre of the page, the more significant something is.

Number 4 is important, because in terms of tapping (or whatever healing method works for you), you can then start from the outside in. In the examples below, just follow the red arrows. You tap/heal the 'leaves' right on the outside of the map, then slowly work your way into the middle. At each point, you don't have any related issues getting in the way or slowing things up - either because what you're healing is right on the edge, or because all the smaller, related issues have already been healed.

This also really helps with the need to be specific, in order for tapping to work well.

Now with some issues the maps will come out stupidly simple:

And sometimes they're an absolute mess:

(Yeah, these have both been blurred to heck & back. The details aren't really important, just the relative messiness)

It really doesn't matter too much how you do them, if you want to draw instead of write, or anything. It's your head, so your stuff. You're not doing it for anyone else.

The really interesting thing is - once you've cleared one map, you can redo it, and often completely different stuff will come up. By clearing off that outer layer of gunk, you can see/feel your way to deeper things, things that you previously wouldn't have been able to see for all the mess at the higher level.

It's a nifty tool. I've done TONS of these things in the last few weeks - and combined with finger tapping, even the most complex one I'm usually completely cleared in maybe 20 minutes. When I can look at a phrase or bubble & feel like it just doesn't matter any more, then I just move inwards, nice & simple. Eventually I'll be healing the centre item directly, and it generally just collapses & clears with ease.

As an approach it works a treat. It's swiftly become my favourite tool for understanding & clearing complex issues.

Bring In The Clowns

2008-12-02T22:53:00.001+11:00

I'm not usually a huuuuge fan of clowns, but I got an urge to go for a walk this evening, & I stumbled across these..

..dancing to music, often upside down, as part of a giant advent calendar..

..part way up a 10 storey building. I figured, well, in this case they're probably worth cheering on.

While I was out, I took a pic or two of the local river..

..which is hellishly pretty at night.

And it seemed to be a night for clowns, since I passed this (advertising god knows what) on the way back:

Although I like to think it's just saying "Eat more vege's & dance like a loon!"