Si Dawson (life)

Anger is Stupid

2009-11-03T01:02:00.000+11:00

Two interesting things happened to me this week.

The first, let's call "Event X", was that someone made me very, very angry. There's no value in getting into the specifics, but I've wracked my brain & been unable to come up with a worse thing that anyone has ever done to me. There probably is, I just can't remember it, so let's put it in the top three.

The second, let's call "Event Y", was that I made someone else very, very angry. Again, little value in the specifics - except to say that it was very definitely not intentional on my part (but of course I'd say that! I'm the one telling this story!)

So, Event X. How did I react? Well, firstly, I don't get angry very often. Not really angry. Maybe once every few years. I can distinctly remember the last time it happened, & that was February 2002. I get aggrieved, frustrated, annoyed, miffed.. but not real, cold anger. All these things are happening less & less these days (thankfully), but I'm still human.

To start with, I was in shock. Plain, simple shock that such a terrible thing could be done to me. I then transitioned into serious, hardcore anger. I had a very brief flirt with thoughts of revenge - for less than a second - but where's the value? Then you just have two upset people. As Ghandhi put so eloquently put it "An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind."

Then followed about 5 or 10 minutes of loud swearing (I was home alone), some surprise, disappointment, disbelief, & then, as I let more & more of it go, peace. And action, lots of action, to sort it all out.

pic by urline

So, not ideal, yet. But, over it in a day or so tops. Over the worst of it in about half an hour. For me, that's a huge step forward. I'm happy with it. I'll keep working on it. It will improve.

Ok, let's leave that for the moment & move on to Event Y. Me making someone else angry.

I can't explain how the other person felt, except that they were still bitter & spewing unrequested vitriol in my direction several hours later.

Here's the funny thing though. This wasn't even anyone I know. I'd never met them before. Yes, a completely random internet stranger. Now, if I was going to be completely fair about it, I'd say I might have been a bit pushy. They might have been a bit careless - not paying as much attention as they could have been. Basically a very minor misunderstanding led to me doing something that they deemed utterly abhorrent. In my value system, it qualifies as "uhh, *shrug* so what?" but ok, everyone gets upset by different things.

Anyway, I could see that this person was in pain. They were screaming furious (sound familiar?) All over what to me was a simple misunderstanding, fixed with one click of a button. Them being upset didn't bother me particularly, I just thought, well, they should have paid more attention, & besides, it's such a minor thing, really, who cares?

But of course, different value systems - you can see where the misunderstanding might creep in.

The practical upshot was this - that person poured a ton of negative energy (bile, acid, stress) into their body for an extended period of time. Net effect on me? Basically zero.

Ok, so back to Event X.

Here's what I realised today.

This person had been threatening to do what they actually ended up doing for weeks. I just figured they wouldn't go through with it, so of course it was a huge shock when they did. However, if I'd actually listened to them, and taken action much earlier, I wouldn't even have noticed what they'd done. The effect on me would have been absolutely nothing. Less than nothing. Actually the outcome has been very positive.

So, hang on, I got that angry, for what? Not paying attention? Not acting on what I'd already been told. Basically, I got angry because they did what they said they would do. Because they were as good as their word.

Uh, what?!?

I know I got stressed. Probably shortened my lifespan in the process.

What a complete & utter waste of energy.

Carrie Fisher had a great quote about resentment - but the exact same thing applies to anger, so I'll paraphrase (Thanks Carrie, love your work!):

"Anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"

So true. So very, VERY true.

The Rat And The Rose

2009-10-24T16:10:00.000+11:00

I was at a friend's place having a coffee when I saw the weirdest thing (to help you out, I circled it):

Can you see it? Nope, neither could I, at the start.

However, we'd been watching the cat (a delightful Burmese). The cat had seen something interesting, so we were curious what it was. Usually this sort of thing is just a bird. This time though, it was a rat, about 6 inches long (plus tail).

Then we watched the rat climb the trellis. Uhh, what? A climbing rat? Well, ok, I used to be one of those, so I can dig that.

That's when it got surreal. This rat grabbed one of the roses in its teeth, pulled it off & started climbing down. Now, I got to my camera after it got a foot down the trellis, but check these pics out (I've tried to keep the same rose in the top right hand corner so you can track the rat easier as it progresses downwards):

Just behind the 'marker' rose.

now well below it

even further

and right off the bottom & into the garden.

Wow, crazy.

Oddly, Google doesn't have much in the way of "hey, rats love to eat roses!", so maybe I just got lucky.

Confession

2009-09-23T13:07:00.001+10:00

Nobody has their shit together, or has all the answers. No matter how much they pretend otherwise.

This, of course, includes me.

Turn Every Down Into An Up

2009-09-22T10:46:00.001+10:00

I had a realisation recently.

Fundamentally, the only person that has any control over how I feel is me.

I choose how I feel.

So, any time I feel bad due to someone else's actions, I know that's just a pain body reacting. That's just my ego, getting in the way, hurting me, wanting me to feel pain.

Therefore, by releasing that pain when it comes up. Feeling the feeling & letting it go, I'm healing everything I experience, right there & then.

For more disturbing, larger or messier things, giving it a good old bash with EFT has also helped kick this stuff out.

Every time that I've felt less-than-blissful, it's been an opportunity for me to heal - to heal whatever it is inside me that is reacting to external stimulus, & leaving me feeling bad.

Ha! And life being what it is, there's been a lot of chances for that.

As a result? I know I'm in a much, much better place than I have been, simply as a result of doing this.

Now, this journey hasn't always been pleasant at all. I wouldn't wish some aspects of it in anyone. However, I have observed that things that have recurred have bothered me less & less till they haven't bothered me at all.

Know what happens then? They seem to stop happening at all.

pic by ceeceedotca

Why is that?

Well, some people would say that we draw things into our existence because we are a vibrational match for them. Like attracts like, you know, the law of attraction stuff.

Which means is (as unpleasant as it is to hear this) that every miserable thing I experience is there because some part of me wants it there.

Ok, now before we go getting all suicidal here (because that train of thought can get a bit damn depressing if you follow it too long through every bad thing that's ever happened to you), realise this: These things appear so you can learn.

That's why, when you learn the lesson (or heal), they simply stop happening to you.

In my case, I've had several occasions where I healed enough of that pain & the people responsible quite literally disappeared from my life. Moved away. Overnight.

So that's the good news.

The point here is this: Every bad thing that occurs to you is an opportunity to instantly, easily & significantly improve your life.

Every upset is a chance for growth.

By immediately letting go of the negative emotion you're feeling, as you're feeling it, minute by minute your life is getting - even right through the middle of horrific pain & unpleasantness.

For a start, you'll stop feeling bad even while things that used to upset you are still happening.

More interestingly, those (previously) negative external situations will, as if by magic, stop occurring.

Now, don't take my word for it, check it out yourself, by all means.

However, let's say I'm wrong - what does it matter? If you've let go, completely, of your internal reactions to these painful events, then you won't care anyway. You'll just sit there like a Hindu cow, cool as a cucumber while things spiral around you.

I know because this is exactly how I became. Their pain & suffering would be swirling around in a way that I know would previously have upset me enormously, & it didn't bother me in the slightest. The pain body inside me that had been reacting to that particular stimulus had been completely neutralised.

Also, this comes back to our pain bodies discussion. If there's no internal reaction at all from you, then there's nothing for the other person's pain body to push against - so it naturally dissipates - in the quickest, healthiest way possible.

The key things to remember are:

The sooner after the upset you can heal, the better. The fresher the emotion is inside you, the easier it is to get to & remove completely. Ideally, heal it immediately. This is where releasing is so helpful, coz you can do it while the person is still abusing/shouting at/crying on you. With EFT, you have to imagine tapping the points (or discreetly finger tap) - which works but is harder to do if you're largely concentrating on someone else. Not impossible, but harder than just releasing anything you're feeling inside yourself.

Be persistent. Don't get discouraged if it seems like the same pain keeps coming up. Humans are very layered, & some times it takes a while to really get to the bottom of something. There may be many emotional reactions to a situation, or many subtle variations on a theme (eg, someone can insult, demean, disrespect, dismiss. ignore, put down, or disregard you - all basically the same, all subtly different). Just keep lettinig it all go, it all helps.

The Pain Bodies Inside Us

2009-09-10T19:53:00.001+10:00

Ever catch yourself doing something really stupid? You watch it happening in slow motion, yet can't seem to stop yourself going right ahead and doing it?

Now, there's a ton of things that fit under the heading of 'stupid', ahh, and by goodness, I've done a lot of them.

What I'd like to talk about today is deliberately creating pain, in ourselves & in those around us. When we feel automatically compelled to do things that increase suffering in the world. Typically this is done verbally, but in more extreme cases it can escalate to physical violence.

Eckhart Tolle has a description for this phenomenon, he calls these internal proclivities "Pain bodies."

It's a useful approach. Metaphorically distancing ourselves, even slightly, can give us power over the behaviour. Seeing it as something separate from ourselves helps us gain control.

Of course, this kind of things fits handily under the heading "Self-sabotage." Whereas a lot of forms of self-sabotage can be happily done alone (eg, procrastination), our pain bodies generally require company.

pic by catb

So what to do about them? Well, Tolle's suggestion is simply to be as present as possible, and this is pretty reasonable advice. If you're in the moment, then these occurrences become quite jarring. The behaviour stands out so starkly You can't help but think (whether it's yourself or another) "Hey, where the hell did that come from?"

To kick Tolle's suggestion up a notch in terms of effectiveness, I'd also recommend releasing whatever feelings come up.

Ever notice how hard it is to fight someone who's not responding at all (except with love)? There's a reason for that. Your pain body is trying to latch onto something, something to feed itself with.. and finding nothing. This is, of course, pure Aikido at work.

The same thing works in reverse. When someone near you behaves in a way that is pretty obviously just spoiling for a fight, by releasing any internal reactions inside you, remaining calm, and adding nothing, the entire situation defuses in the fastest way possible.

I've experimented with this extensively, & there really is nothing good or bad you can say that will calm things down quicker than releasing & saying as little as possible.

pic by ladyinpink_1

Of course, in yourself, the same applies. I lose count of the number of times I've felt something ugly or nasty whelling up inside me. By releasing the thought, noticing it but not attaching it & simply letting it go, I'm weakening those pain bodies inside me. Not once have I looked back & thought "Gosh, I sure wish I'd said that nasty thing." Nope, every single time it's been a variant on "Oh man, that would have really hurt someone I care about."

The more you can release at the time, the weaker the pain body becomes.

In yourself, it's simply a case of letting go of the compulsion to hurt those around you. When someone near you is letting their pain body take control, there's two things to release.

First, your reaction to whatever they're saying. Yes, it's going to be hurtful, painful, ugly. That's the nature of a pain body - to try and provoke as extreme a reaction from you as possible. Sure, that person is fully responsible for anything they say, & they shouldn't say it. But that's not the point. Blaming them, or having other negative feelings towards them is only going to make you feel bad, so let it go. Secondly, & once you've let go of any negative reactions to their behaviour, let go of any internal response you may be feeling. That's only your pain bodies trying to get in on the fight.

You could also use EFT or similar - if you're able to identify a specific motivation or drive behind the pain body so you can tune into it & tap later. Starting tapping in the middle of dealing with someone angry or hurt is likely to just piss them off even further. Not recommended.

Can you think of any people who just seem to bring out the worst in you? One minute things are fine, next there's a flaming row & you really have no idea how it started? That's what happens when two pain bodies get in sync and start feeding each other. If either party is able to take even the slightest amount of control, the whole thing defuses incredibly quickly.

Of course, that doesn't mean I'm suggesting for a second you should stay in a situation where someone is wilfully trying to harm you, whether verbally or otherwise.

This isn't about being a martyr, just a little better than yesterday.

Even reducing your pain bodies by the tiniest amount results in exponentially more love in the world. Every interaction with every person for the rest of your life will be just that little bit better. Totally worth the effort.

How To Be Confident

2009-08-25T15:01:00.001+10:00

Confidence is a funny thing. It comes in two flavours. How confident other people believe you are, & how confident you feel internally. The two are related, but not necessarily linked. E.g., it's quite common that other people see us as more confident than we may actually feel.

So how do you go about becoming more confident?

Well, there's a bunch of physical attributes: head up, shoulders back, firm eye contact, firm handshake, steady voice. None of this is new or complicated. You can read more about it here & here.

Changing your posture does change your emotional state, so by all means do the physical stuff as well (it'll help how you feel), but I'm going to talk about working directly on the non-physical stuff.

Let's start with the easy side of things - how we're perceived externally. Other than posture, how do other people assess how confident we are?

By our speech. What we say, how we say it, the words we use.

I got to thinking about this when reading Jeannette Maw's excellent Good Vibe Blog. She was talking about wiping out wimpy words. Words that disempower us, make us sound wishy washy, limit us.

These are all words & phrases that will make us seems significantly less confident than we may actually be.

pic by nnn27

What are some examples?

Hopefully
Probably
Should
I suppose

So, my hypothesis is, if we stop using these kinds of words, we'll appear (externally) more confident.

Well, that sounds worth doing, but wait up a second. Before we rush into this, let's think a little.

Who do we talk to the most, out of all of the people in our lives?

Ourselves, of course.

For every time we say something out loud that makes us sound insecure, we're going to be saying the exact same thing to ourselves dozens if not hundreds of times.

Removing these words from our vocab will not only make us more confident to others, but will also make us notably more confident internally, when talking to ourselves.

As within, so without - maybe it's not quite so much of a surprise after all.

Of course, a healthy goal is to remove that nagging inner voice entirely (through meditation, releasing etc), but until we reach that noble pinnacle of enlightenment & inner peace, we still have to contend with our ego. Why not push things in our favour in the meantime?

What's a good way of removing (or at the very least drastically minimising) specific words & phrases from our vocabulary? Well, the tool I've found best for this task is EFT. It's super simple to use and ridiculously quick.

If you haven't used EFT before, I've put a quick intro up here. The basic gist is to tap (just like tapping a keyboard, but with a coupla fingers at once) on various points around the body, while thinking or saying whatever-it-is you want to fix. The tapping loosens up energy blocks in the body, your energy starts flowing properly again and you automatically heal (since our natural state is to be 100% healthy).

So how to remove a word from your vocab? Just tap the karate chop point (side of hand) while saying something like "Even though I say 'hopefully' I love & accept myself", or "Even though I use the phrase 'I guess' I love & accept myself." Really, the words don't matter too much, just say whatever pops in your head & feels right for you. Once you've said that a few times while tapping your karate chop point, work your way around the points on the body (pic here), saying "I say 'hopefully" or "I use the word 'hopefully'" etc & tapping each point 5-10 times.

Once you've done a couple of full rounds, & if you want to be really thorough, you can do a couple more rounds, saying something like "I still say 'hopefully'." This will clear out any remants that might be left over.

It really is that simple. Total time? 2-3 minutes a word, if that.

pic by pixietart

Here's the list I cleared out yesterday:

hopefully
probably
should
try
pretty sure
I'll figure it out
doubt
can't
want (since want is synonymous with 'lack', why not clear that too?)
I guess
I suppose
I need to
I'm not sure
I don't think
kinda

Of course, everyone uses different words & phrases, so your own list will likely be quite different, but these might help you get started. Just see what resonates for you.

The funny thing is, as you start to clear them out, other commonly used limiting phrases will start to become more obvious & bubble to the surface. I also felt the way I was thinking changing. Sounds insane but it's true. I could feel myself using different phrasing internally, & as I did, my body became more sure of itself. Not quite sure (ha! I'll add that to my list) how that works, but a definite example of the mind/body connection at play.

The net result of all this mucking about? More confident thought patterns, more confident speech & a significantly more confident persona. Total time taken? A little over half an hour.

More On The Mirror Exercise

2009-08-23T15:49:00.000+10:00

I talked about the mirror exercise a while back. I've used this quite a lot, & discovered a few extra tricks to really amp it up, which I thought I'd share.

I Love You
Paying yourself compliments is a good way to start, particularly if you're feeling down on yourself, but the single most powerful thing to say is simply "I love you."

This heals incredibly deeply. Even if you don't believe it, say it anyway. Of course, the more feeling & energy you can put into it, the better. Shout it out loud if you like, it all helps.

pic by prozac74

Imagine It's Someone Else
So how do you say "I love you" if you're struggling to actually love yourself (like so many of us do)? Well, everyone has someone they're comfortable saying (& meaning) I love you to.

So, look at yourself, but get yourself in a loving state by imagining (initially) that you're saying it to that person. This'll get you started with really feeling it. The more you say it to yourself, the easier it'll get. The more strongly you can feel what you're saying, the more powerful.

Smile
Remember how you act when you meet someone you really like. You smile, right? If you genuinely love them, you'll smile even more. So definitely smile at yourself.

It sounds ridiculous, but there's a definite physiological feedback loop. If you genuinely smile, you will cheer yourself up emotionally too (ie, the energy you're pouring into yourself will increase). Ie, physical state affects emotional state. As nutty as it sounds, this is well recognised. See? Here's proof:

One thing to note with smiles. Humans are very good at assessing the truthfulness of a smile. In other words, telling a fake smile from a real smile. What it comes down to is the very small muscles around the eyes (the orbicularis oculi). So, try to smile so it looks genuine to you. Even if you're not feeling it internally to start with, do it anyway. Yes, you will feel like a crazy person, but it's just you & the mirror, so who cares, right? If nothing else, laughing at how nutty you look trying to fake a real smile might set you off into genuine smiling. If so, great!

Tap While You Do It
Using EFT while you say "I love you" will do a hell of a lot of good. Don't panic too much about the details, just tap on the various points around the body, saying "I love you" on each point. If you feel like something is shifting, feel free to stay on that one point, saying "I love you" over & over until it shifts. If not, no biggie.

I guarantee you, a few loops around your body & you'll start to feeling significantly better about yourself.

Use Your Name
This will help you connect with yourself.

Even better than this, use a name or nickname you commonly used when you were younger. An awful lot of pain in our lives starts very young. Connecting with & loving our younger selves helps bring up, heal & remove this pain in the simplest, least painful way possible. You'll feel it.

All these things help amp up the basic exercise. Simply use any (or all!) of them that resonate with you. I've been doing this every morning recently (my shower has a mirror opposite, so I get to tap & wash at the same time), & it gets each day off to a brilliant start.

How To Stop Feeling Bad

2009-08-18T13:10:00.001+10:00

Why do we feel bad?

It's a good question.

An easy answer would be "because bad stuff happens to us", but what for one person would be a disaster, someone else might barely notice.

So what's actually going on here?

In a nutshell?

We beat ourselves up.

That little voice in our heads giving us shit. Yep, it's our ego.

No big surprise there then. So what can we do about it?

Well, stop complaining is certainly a good start, but there's more to it than just that.

For example, how many different ways are there of beating ourselves up?

Regrets, disappointments, undesirable events, worrying about the future, things we dislike about ourselves, or (even sillier) things we dislike about others ("Why oh why did I choose a husband like this?") That's the craziest of all. Resentment about someone else is like drinking poison & expecting the other person to get sick.

Notice that all of these things are either in the past or in the future? Yep, that's not a surprise. More on that later.

A good rule of thumb though? Any time we say something to ourselves that makes us feel worse, that's beating ourselves up, in one way or another.

Ok, so we've mapped out the field, how to deal to this behaviour? How to stop it?

The Reductionist Method
Here's one method that has worked wonders for me.

Every morning I sat down & brainstormed a few lists "Things I disapprove about myself", "Regrets", "Disappointments", "Worries" etc. (You can use any phrasing that resonates). Next, I just worked my way down each list I'd made, healing each item in turn. The whole thing would take, 10 maybe 15 minutes tops.

pic by gwilmore

What I noticed was, each day the lists got shorter, & the items I'd healed didn't come back (or they looked like they came back, but were actually subtly different - i.e. different sub-aspects of a larger issue).

After a few days, I couldn't think of anything for any of the lists. Oh, & I also wasn't thinking any of those crappy thoughts about myself any more.

The fewer negative thoughts you have, the better you'll feel. It's not rocket science.

Of course, when you're making these lists, the things that come up first will be the things you're thinking most often. Those at the top of the list will be the loudest complaints. As you clear those out, you'll naturally work deeper & quieter, till eventually you're clearing out more & more subtle negativity. It's a great, natural way to clear through internal noise in a way that gets you the greatest benefits immediately, but gets more deeply powerful the longer you continue.

It's also good just to do it a little bit each day. Often we need a good night's sleep to fully process & clear things out of our systems.

How to heal this negative self-talk? Well, you can use whatever tool appeals to you. Some of the things that came up I used EFT on, some I used the release technique (aka the Sedona Method), & some I used Reiki. I just trusted my intuition & used what felt right (mostly releasing).

Our ego has a thousand ways of making us feel bad. Constantly nattering at us, trying to bring us down. This is just a good, time effective way I've found to proactively clear out a huge chunk of that crap. Each day getting clearer, lighter & happier.

The Holistic Method
Ok, so, remember how all this negative self talk was either in the future, or in the past? Well, that's not an accident.

Remember Eckhart Tolle? Well, he's way ahead of me on this one. See, if you're the kind of person for whom a methodical approach is just not for you, well, here's what he recommends.

Get yourself completely "in the present." Just be here now.

It's that simple. Let go of all the noise in your head. Stop thinking your thoughts. If they come up, simply let them go.

pic by savannahgrandfather

The important thing to remember is - you are not your thoughts. It's your mind thinking them, not you. Which means you have a choice, seriously, whether you want to keep thinking them or not. As with all things, you always have a choice.

Same thing with any feelings that come up. Just observe them, but let them go too.

This way, you stay 100% in the present moment. You can still be going about your day, doing whatever, but any thoughts & feelings that come up from the past or about the future, just let them drift off.

Now, there's a couple of interesting things about this. Firstly, if you genuinely do welcome up (without attachment) any thoughts or feelings you have, & let go of them fully, they won't come back. (Very loosely, this is how you release).

Be gentle with yourself though, because one large issue can often have a ton of little sub-issues to it that may all need to be cleared. It may seem like you're making no progress, but just keep letting go, keep letting go. Pretty soon you'll start to see the difference.

Secondly, the more you can hold yourself in that present moment, the more junk will naturally come up. Why? Because being in that state holds you in a very specific (very powerful) state of vibration. Much like shaking a dirty glass of water, anything counter to that vibration will float to the top. Of course, the important thing is just to keep letting go of everything that comes up. You feel bad? Great! Let it go. Nasty thoughts or memories? Wonderful! Let those go too. They're only coming up because they're not in accordance with the person you're becoming, with that powerful "Now" vibration that you're holding.

It's all good stuff.

Plus, if you're truly present? Well, it's feels great. Best feeling in the world. So that's a nice bonus too.

Oh, & there's nothing saying you can't use both methods - making lists and being present. Every little bit helps. As Buddha said, "There are many fingers pointing at the moon, but only one moon."

I Love Myself For Hating This

2009-06-07T19:33:00.000+10:00

Sometimes life just sucks.

Well, actually it never sucks, but that's a whole other story.

Sometimes it feels like life just sucks.

Everything seems to be going wrong. We're in a terrible mood. We ate some bad clams & the neighbour just ran over our poodle.

In these situations, despite everything we know (in our brains), it can be super hard to even motivate ourselves to do the simple things that will help. Meditate, EFT, go for a run, you name it.

So, here's a simple trick I learned. Enough to kick you out of a slump & get you calm enough to bring your other tools into play.

Just say "I love myself for hating this."

That's it. You don't even have to believe it, just say it. Keep saying it. You'll feel yourself calm down super quick.

Like so many of these things, the more energy you put into it the better it will work, of course.

If you've got the space, hell, scream it.

Why not? & besides, a good scream now & then can be cathartic. Just don't scare the cat.

Why does it work? Well, firstly it takes your focus (ie your energy) away from "it" - the thing you're hating, angry about, upset by or whatever, & brings it onto yourself.

Secondly, you're giving yourself love, approval, acceptance. Even just saying the words "I love myself" with zero energy behind it is helpful, if you're in a really negative space. If you can say it & mean it, well, so much the better.

What's this all about? Well, self-love, self-approval, self-acceptance are the corner stone of any deep healing.

& what better time to heal than when you're pissed off about something? Maximum emotional connectivity, so maximum effectiveness.

Oh, & feel free to change the words around to suit your situation. "I love myself for being upset", "I love myself for throwing up", "I love myself for dancing badly." It's your life, you make the rules.

One thing I've been learning in spades recently is that life can always be easier, if we just get the hell out of the way & let it be.

Oh, & here's another awesome technique I found that helps too. Super simple, takes about 2 seconds. It's all great stuff!

Just Be You, The Most Awesome You Ever

2009-05-23T16:42:00.001+10:00

Comparing ourselves to others is for noobs!
As people, we're funny. There's this natural tendency to compare ourselves to others.

Typically, we do something like this:

Me: $30
Donald Trump: $eleventy billion
Conclusion: I suck

or maybe

Me: kinda good looking
Angelina Jolie: super hot (if you go for that sort of thing)
Conclusion: I suck

There are a couple of obvious issues here. One might be our choice of attribute to compare. I'm sure this won't come as a surprise, but people are a bit more complex than just hotness + wealth.

So why compare ourselves based on wealth, or hotness? Just coz people are generally deluded into believing they're important? It's as arbitary & ridiculous as lining up the planet according to nose freckliness!

So, maybe if we are going to compare ourselves to others, we should just choose better. Eg

Me: Nice hair
Donald Trump: Nice toupee?
Conclusion: I rock!

Now, this isn't about taking cheap shots at famous people. Far from it.

It's a natural tendency to compare ourselves to others, particularly when we think they're better than us in some way. Know what though? It's pretty much bullshit.

Making these comparisons is a recipe for misery & disaster. But you already knew that.

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

So here's a better suggestion. Just be you.

In fact, here's a even better suggestion than that. Why not be the most amazing you you possibly can be?

Do you reckon when you get up to heaven, God'll say to you "Man, you were the lousiest Jack Black ever!"? Of course not. There's already a Jack Black here & he's doing a perfectly good job of being him, thankyouverymuch.

You're here with one purpose. To be you.

Not to be anyone else. Not even to be like anyone else, unless you really want to be (& I've gotta admit, Jack's maniacal grin does have a certain appeal).

Other people's opinions are none of my business
Hey, & while we're on the subject, what's up with caring what anyone else thinks?

They're here to live their life. You're here to live your life. If they want to think your life is particularly silly? Well, uhh, so what?

After all, they are allowed to have any opinion they like. Doesn't make it true! And, while we're there, you're welcome to have any opinion you like about their life. Doesn't make your opinion true either (although, of course, we all like to think we're right. Heh)

If you've been hanging out on Twitter, you'll know exactly what I mean. You say something, & suddenly people unfollow you. What the?!? Well, you know what? If they don't like what you say, why would you want them following you anyway? If they don't like who you truly are (assuming you're being genuinely yourself, of course) then they're going to make pretty lousy friends.

Ahh, life, it's a funny old thing.

So, to recap. Just be you. What anyone else thinks of you? Well, that's really none of your business, so just let it go. That's their problem, not yours.

But who am I?
Now of course, all this just raises another question. How the hell do you know who you are? The "Why am I here?" question is one of life's biggies.

Well, here's a secret. This is why we have emotions. They're like little signposts.

Basically, anything you do which takes you closer to a place of true joy? That's you. That's you really being you.

I'm not talking about enjoyment - the brief happiness that comes from eating an icecream or a particularly satisfying game of Halo - I'm talking about deep, abiding joy.

Here, watch this video. See the spark on their faces? That's joy. That's a couple of people doing what's nearest & dearest to their hearts.

Know what? You have that inside you too. Maybe you've found it, maybe you haven't yet, but it's there.

There's something, or many things, that are super easy to you. That you just happen to be great at. You probably don't think it's so much, but other people look & go "Wow, how are you so awesome at that?" Well, that's where you should be looking. That's a clue.

If time seems to stand still, or the whole day disappears while you're doing something? That's a clue too.

If something is making you feel crappier? Well, that's a sign you probably shouldn't be doing it so much. We're here to be happy, after all. How do I know? The Dalai Lama told me, & who am I to argue with him!

Finding that joy, that raison d'etre? That's the thing to chase. Or rather, that's the thing to chill out, stop stressing about life & let it find you. Just pay attention, it's there, you'll see it.

Bigger is not better. Think quality not quantity
Oh, & while we're on the subject? This whole fascination the western world seems to have with changing the world? That the only life worth living is one where the whole world knows your name? Well, screw that too.

Life is much, much simpler than that. Sure, some people are gonna be the Mother Therasas, the Bill Gateses, the Michael Jordans (ha ha, name plurals crack me up) of the world, but that's not what it's about.

It's about the people around you. Those are the people that you're really affecting.

If you're filled with joy & doing what you love, even if it's something as simple as tending the garden out the front of your cottage, you're adding so much light to the world. When you're happy, the people around you feel that. They get happier. The world needs more happy people, so start with you.

Forget about the starving children in Africa (unless that's where your joy is). Every day you're slightly happier, slightly more full of joy, doing that which brings you joy, the world is a better place. The people around you will be in a better place because of you. You'll be inspiring them.

That's all that matters. Everything else is just details.

It's ok to have what the world might deem a small life. What matters is just that you lived it fully. That you followed your heart. That, as much as possible, you felt that joy inside you & let it spill out into the world around you. Whether the world that you influence has five billion people in it or only five is entirely irrelevant. Think quality, not quantity.

Just as a rising tide lifts all boats, so you in your joyful place will lift all those around you. Be that tide. Be truly you.

Happiness Is Always A Choice

2009-04-29T11:39:00.001+10:00

So let's rock this up a notch. We've already discussed that we are not our thoughts or emotions. We've checked out not verbalising negative thoughts. What's the next logical thing to do?

Take it back a step, of course.

If we're not our thoughts or emotions, well, who controls them?

We do! We're the damn boss, & it's about time they knew that.

Oooh, easier said than done, of course (or is it?) If you've (as I have) spent a lifetime believing that our thoughts & emotions were us, it can be a tricky mindset to adjust.

"I'm angry"
"I feel cheated"
"I worried about this"

Nope, completely wrong.

"I'm experiencing feelings of anger"
"I'm experiencing feelings of being cheated"
"I'm experiencing thoughts of worry"

Choose to walk? Choose to fly. Pic by missvivienne

Ever seen kids at play? They bang themselves, cry, then two minutes later they're back playing again, as happily as if it never happened.

What's going on here? Ok, short attention span might help. Being in the moment definitely helps, but a very important factor is this:

They haven't been trained that they're "supposed" to hang onto things yet.

They don't know about holding onto grudges, or resentment, or pain.

Remember the first time someone really, deeply, hurt you? Still feel that?

Well, how long are you going to hold onto that pain for? Hell, for all you know, the person that caused it is dead now.

Ok ok, so I'm not saying this to belittle the pain you've experienced in your life. Not at all.

The point is this - we make a choice. We always make a choice.

With every thought, every emotion, we make a choice. Hold onto it, or let it go.

Sometimes we have rules. Eg, it's ok for us to let go of these thoughts or emotions:

After a certain period of time ("Oh, that was years ago")
After the other person has behaved a certain way (eg, apologised)
After the other person has suffered
.. or is dead.

All these rules. Why? They're all bullshit.

They're all rules that we're holding onto that stop us from experiencing happiness now.

How about if you had new rules.

When the physical pain dissipates, I choose to forget about the incident that caused it
It's safe to let go of pain, because I remember the lessons learned
Regardless of how those around me behave, I am the boss of my emotions, & I'll choose how I react (if at all)
I will only continue to entertain thoughts that I enjoy & let the rest go
I will actively choose to think thoughts that make me feel better
If doing something makes me feel better, I'll do it more often.
If doing soomething makes me feel worse, I'll do it less.

Or, best of all, just decide, "I'm the boss of how anything makes me feel."

Because, & here's a huge secret, YOU ARE.

pic by phuongthao202002

Now yes yes, I can hear you bringing up objections. Life isn't always that simple. It's complicated, messy, we never know what's happening next.

Well here's another secret (I'm full of them today). It's not about being perfect. It's just about being better. Just a little better, tiny steps at a time.

Sure, we all have days where we're a bit slow on the uptake. Get into a bad spiral & take a while to twig to what's going on. That's perfectly ok. Totally normal. Utterly usual.

The point is simply that every moment we choose a higher vibration thought or emotion over a lower one. Ie, we choose to let go of things that bug us, is a moment we become happier.

Another great thing about this process is that if we truly let go, then those thoughts & emotions, over time, stop recurring.

We do, genuinely become happier.

How do I know this? Well, this is exactly what I've been doing over the last few weeks.

In some very real & measurable senses, my life is currently the worst it's ever been. Know what? I don't care. Sure, I've had some freakouts. Total wigouts where I've been a mess for a day. Then I pick myself up, let go of the crappy thoughts & emotions. Heal anything obvious.

And then? Yes. Feel better. Feel happy. Truly. Peacefully.

Even in this situation, I can honestly say I have never felt happier in my life. What's more, every day I know I'm slightly happier than the day before, on average.

The mess around me will be sorted, and soon. Life always changes, & external things will improve. And I'll be happy then too. Because I've chosen to be. Just made a decision "I don't care what happens around me, I'm going to do everything I possibly can to be happy."

Life has ups & downs, definitely, but the more of those downs I choose to let go of, the happier I'm becoming... and if I can do it, so can you. One thought, one emotion at a time.

Stop Whining, Start Winning

2009-04-17T16:21:00.001+10:00

How often do you complain?

No, I don't mean half hour long soliloquies at the barista because your coffee is cold, I mean just everyday complaints.

Anytime you verbally express a negative thought, that's a complaint.

Why do we do this? Habit, typically. Sometimes boredom, But deeper than that - oftentimes it's a social thing (f***mylife is an example) - it's socially encouraged to bond over misery stories. To sympathise, express empathy & so on. Sometimes it's a way of adjusting social hierarchies - I'm your superior, but if I express misery that makes us more equal, & thus you more comfortable. If I feel inferior, complaining about you might (in theory) make me feel better about myself by diminishing you somehow. Many entire cultures have whinging as a core attribute (England, I'm looking at you).

With all those people doing it, what's the big deal? I mean, really?

Fundamentally, it damages us.

Talking about something gives it our attention, our energy. Gives it power.

Focus on the moon, not the clutter of trees.

Basically, whining makes you feel shitty.

If you believe in the law of attraction, then the more you talk about something, the more you're going to attract more of that thing. Want a miserable day tomorrow? Spend a bunch of time talking about how miserable today was.

If you think LOA is a bunch of hokum, well think about it this way - why the hell are you wasting you time, energy & attention focussing on something you don't like? How on earth is that making you any happier? Any more productive? Sorting the problem out, or improving your life? It's not.

Sure, undesirable things happen. So what? What really matters is how we react to them. Martin Seligman in Learned Optimism discovered that the key difference between success & failure in life is how we treat setbacks. Fundamentally, we do better, get luckier & have more success the less energy we give to these negative events. Pessimists talk a lot about setbacks. Optimists dismiss them. This is eloquently summed up by Sylvester Stallone who likes to dismiss negative situations with "They probably just ate some bad clams."

As Viktor Frankl said, (paraphrased) the only real freedom we have is the freedom to choose how we react to any event.

The less attention you give negative events (other than the minimum necessary to physically deal with them, of course), the more of your time is focussed on things you actually want. Your goals. Your happiness. Feeling good.

Whinging takes us out of that zone of joy. Out of expressing ourselves in the world. In the process, it adds nothing positive to our lives at all. The more we can reduce it, the better we feel about our lives. About our days. About how things are going for us. Why? Because how we feel about ourselves is the sum total of our thoughts. The more of those thoughts are positive, the better we feel.

If you remember nothing else, remember this:

Your quality of life is directly proportional to how much of the time you feel good.
Yes, that's incredibly obvious. You want to have a better life? Spend more of it feeling better.

Of course, the question is - how do you increase how much you feel good? Well (& a big duh to this one) stop making yourself feel miserable so often. You may not be able to help what happens to you, but you can definitely change how much time you spending talking, thinking or focussing on these bad things around you.

Try it for a week. Anytime you catch yourself whinging, deliberately let that thought go, & think (or better, say!) something positive instead. Or heck, if you can't do that, just shut the hell up - that's a great first step. See how great you start feeling, by comparison. Notice how much better things get in your life - people reacting more positively to you, opportunities arriving, things just somehow going smoother.

We only have so many minutes each day. Make them count. Make them positive ones. It's just a choice.

[If you'd like to read more, my man Dhrumil has a great podcast here about why we complain, & how to help others we see complaining. Also worth checking is AComplaintFreeWorld]

Meditation for HeadBangers

2009-04-04T16:27:00.003+11:00

Meditation typically brings to mind images of sitting in full lotus on a mountain top somewhere, head in the clouds, a slight levitation visible.

Ever meet anyone that's done that?

pic by pureenergy

No, me either.

Fortunately, if you step back & look at meditation as a concept, it's really just aiming to do two things:

Empty your brain of thoughts (you remember those, they're the things that are not-you)
Bring you into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness

This is pretty much the description of flow. Any athlete in peak performance has that. In fact, any peak performer, in any area, is in that state.

No thoughts, no noise, just pure beingness.

If you're anything like me, you've heard great things about meditating. Sat down, tried it, & given up due to distraction. Or, you know, found something more important that urgently needed doing.

So what's the trick?

Well, to start with, yep, it can be hard. Thoughts swirl around us like dust in a tornado. We're assailed from every direction. It can seem damn near impossible.

Here's a trick though. Who said you have to be sitting still to meditate? Try going for a walk, or a run - or just sit & jiggle your leg if you're feeling lazy. That's fine too.

Second, who said you have to be quiet? It's your mind that you're trying to get to shut up.

So, how about this. Get some music you really like. Preferably stuff without words - you don't want to be putting new thoughts into your mind. Preferably reasonably fast - otherwise your brain may (will!) start wandering in the gaps.

For me, I'm a fan of high bpm (beats-per-minute) dub, drum & bass, and other electronica. It has a regular rhythm, which means you can kind of tune it out, but it's fast enough that it drowns out most of what's going on upstairs.

Crank it up loud & start walking, running, or jiggling.

You'll find the music & movement will swamp most of your thoughts. This is a great start. It just makes it easier to see any remaining thoughts that peep out from above the noise.

Now, what to do when you do catch yourself drifting off? Well here's the trick.

Just pay attention. When you see thoughts arising, bring your focus back to the music (or the exercise). Let the thought go. You can always worry about it later, turn it into a haiku or scribble it on a balloon & fling it to the wind.

Each time your brain starts burbling away, get back into the music. You did choose loud music you absolutely adore, right? Well, that'll make it easier.

(be sure to stretch before attempting this super-advanced meditational asana)
pic by juljo

As an added benefit? It'll make you happier. Less crap going on upstairs, listening to music that makes your heart beat that little bit faster, endorphins pouring through your body...

Besides, you can always sit still & just breathe when you reach the top of the hill.

ps. If you're keen to try some other non-standard techniques for stilling the mind, my good friend Dhrumil has an excellent 15min audio on "Falling Still" (or if you prefer, a 20 min video). Then there's always those old saw-horses EFT & releasing, of course - to get rid of specific thought patterns. Or, you know, just try all of it & see what works for you.

Better Communication In One Second

2009-03-31T22:07:00.000+11:00

I'm going to start a little geeky, but be patient, I'll keep it super short & it's totally relevant.

What's interesting about TCP (heard of TCP/IP? Yeah, it's part of that) is how the initial communication, the 'handshaking' bit goes. Very roughly, it's goes like this:

Hello? [SYN]
I can hear you! [SYN-ACK]
Me too! [ACK]

Here's a picture I found to stop you falling asleep. See? They're just starting a wee conversation:

(ok, geek stuff over. Told you it'd be short.)

So what, I hear you say. Well, TCP runs everything. The entire internet, any smart phone, hell they're even talking about using it to talk to satellites out across the solar system. Anything smarter than a toaster these days depends on it to operate properly.

So yeah, it's important.

And so are those "ACK"s. Notice how 2/3 of the initial conversation is just ACKs? Computers like to be ACKnowledged. It makes them feel safe & secure.

Well, here's a secret - so do people.

See, the ACK doesn't really add any useful information to the conversation, and yet, it's critical.

It doesn't answer any questions, doesn't actually 'do' anything, and yet everything falls apart without it.

Same thing with human communication, we're just more resilient, so that falling apart is less obvious.

If you say "Hey!" to a friend, and they don't respond, how are you going to feel? Pretty terrible, I'd bet. At the very least, you'd wonder if they saw you, or maybe if you upset them somehow, or if there was something wrong.

All it takes is a flick of their eyes or a smile to let you know that your communication has been received & all is well in the world.

Of course, face to face communication is pretty obvious like that.

How about other forms, like email (or even twitter)?

How often have you received an email that you weren't ready to answer immediately? Maybe you were busy, it was long, required thought, or you just weren't in the mood. A response as simple as "Thanks for email, crazy day, will respond later tonight" can work wonders. It lets the other person know that their email has been received, that you're just busy, and that they're not being ignored. Plus it buys you a little time.

Twitter (or texting) is even more extreme, of course. But how often have you tweeted someone & got no reply, then wondered "Did I offend them?" "Are they ok?" "What's going on?" Any of these thoughts would be a reasonable response, and all could be removed with a simple "Thanks! :)" or equivalent.

It's not the length of reply that matters, just the emotion behind it. In fact, the shorter the reply the better, generally. Just enough to let the person know you're there, you care, & you're thinking of them.

It may feel like you're over-communicating, but really you're just acknowledging the importance of that other person to you.

How long does this sort of thing take? About as long as flick of the eyes across a crowded room. Maybe a second.

Quality communication is not about length. It's about emotion & clarity. A quick genuine reply followed by a considered response later is far superior to a mammoth missive in a week, with the other person left hanging the entire time.

Also, it's much less stressful for you, as you don't have it hanging over your head with that same sense of urgency. You win, they win. What's not to like?

The Mirror Exercise

2009-03-22T21:01:00.001+11:00

This is an oldie but goodie. It's simplicity belies it's power.

Regardless of how easy it is to lie to someone else, it's much, much harder to lie to ourselves. At least, it's much harder when we're actively paying attention.

Find a mirror & some personal space. Look yourself in the eyes, & say "I love you."

That's it. Just say that. Over & over. Out loud. Try to mean it, feel it.

Now, don't be surprised if you find this difficult. Saying it & really meaning it will often trigger things deep within us. Doubts, fears, negative self-image, and so on.

pic by leenah

Deep down, everyone harbours dark thoughts about themselves.

That's ok. The important thing is just to be sincere. If saying "I love you" is too difficult, start small.

"You have nice hands"
"Your hair doesn't totally suck"
"Umm, nice socks"

It really doesn't matter. In fact, it's better to say something small & seemingly irrelevant with deep conviction than something stronger with no energy behind it.

Some tips:

Compliment yourself sincerely.
Be specific, go into details.
Keep eye contact, don't let your eyes gaze over.
Use your name, like you're talking to another person.
Mix it up - try to think of every positive thing you possibly can about yourself.
Be persistent, don't be afraid to say the same thing over & over if you feel things shifting
If any emotion or tension arises, this is good. Just accept it, & let it go.

The important thing is just to give yourself approval, no matter how small. Larger things will come easier with time.

The other thing that will make a big difference? Do it for a while. More than just a minute or two. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, half an hour or longer if you can manage it.

I know when I first started doing this - I couldn't even look myself in the eye. I'd catch myself looking away, or blinking. It was quite surreal. When I finally managed to hold my own gaze, I felt I couldn't say "I love you" without feeling like a phoney. Another surprise. Then, I just felt waves of emotion cascading out of me. Tears. Relief, then finally joy & peaceful self-acceptance.

Anytime you want to feel good about yourself, this is a sure fire way to do it.

It's surprising, but such a simple little thing as giving ourselves genuine approval is some of the most powerful self-healing we can do.

You Are Not Your Thoughts, Emotions Or Body

2009-03-20T15:19:00.000+11:00

Here's an old, but useful exercise:

Pay attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking right now?

Ok. Good.

Here's another one:

What are you feeling right now? What is your primary emotion?

Ok, excellent. Bear with me.

If you lost your little finger in an accident, would you still be you? Or, put another way, since every cell in your body replaces itself every 7-10 years, or sooner, at any point do you stop being you?

See, it breaks down like this. If you can be aware of your thoughts, then you are not your thoughts. We have thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.
With emotions, it's even more obvious. Unfortunately in English we say things like "I am angry." In French or German things are more instructive. They say "I have anger." We have emotions, but we are not our emotions.
We are obviously not our physical body either. We have a body, but there's something more going on.

If you've read a little bit, I'm sure none of this is a surprise. Eckhart Tolle talks about these realisations as part of his enlightenment experience. Oh, & if you get the chance to see him live, I thoroughly recommend it, he's a superbly entertaining speaker.

Of course, this is the point where I could totally understand you saying "Well, ok, so what?" & fair enough too.

This is one of those understandings that it's easy to have intellectually, but might take years before it's really cemented into your being. Really knowing something in your heart can be funny like that.

If we're not our thoughts, emotions or bodies, then what are we? Well, that's another good question. I don't have any easy answers to that, except to say that we're what's left when thoughts & emotions are taken away. We're the space in which they form.

I'm not generally a huge fan of philosophical posturing. You can sit around & talk nonsense for years, but how does it help unless you actually apply it, or do something, or change something?

So, here's something useful you can do with this information.

If you're not your thoughts, or your emotions, then when you sense these things arising, you can let them go, just as easily as they arose.

If you start thinking something that takes you out of your place of joy (or just generally makes you feel bad), then realise they're just thoughts, spontaneously arising. You don't have to keep thinking them. You don't have to stay focussed on that subject. Just let it go. Drop it, or if that doesn't work, distract yourself with something you enjoy more. Why not? I mean, who's the boss - you, or your thoughts?

Same thing with emotions. Feel a negative emotion, you don't have to keep feeling that. You'll only keep feeling it for as long as you choose to. I realise this is a little inflammatory, we're more or less raised to believe that emotions are these powerful things that we either feel intensely, or completely deny (There's that "I am angry" or "I am not angry" thing again).

Bottom line though, who's the boss of you? Are your emotions the boss of you? Well, no, they're not. You can see this when you see two people experience the same event, and react completely differently. Or by watching how much people vary in terms of calming down after an upsetting event.

Emotions do tend to be a little more overwhelming at times. There are many ways to gain control back though. EFT is a good one - that'll allow you to drop any negative emotional reaction altogether. Meditation, Yoga & exercise are helpful too. Anything that helps you maintain your centre, your sense of self - rather than being swept away with events around you.

Once you realise that thoughts & emotions are not you, just things happening to you, you're taking a huge, positive step towards freedom. The more you let go of them as they occur, the less power they have over you, & the more they start to disappear. The more they disappear, the calmer your life becomes, & the more you become, well, you. That sparkling ball of light, love & energy right at the core of your being. The part of you that people fall in love with. The part of you that your friends (the good ones, not the bitchy ones) adore so much.

Well, that's a pretty tall order, so where to start? Just start by paying a little attention. Notice when thoughts or emotions are running away from you. Give yourself a chance to step back a little, let them go. Even just doing that tiny little thing will start to pay dividends immediately. After all, what do you have to lose? The real You, not the thinking/emoting/farting you?

These Are Not Your Stories

2009-03-18T14:35:00.001+11:00

I was at a shaman workshop last weekend, and the concept of "the stories of our life" came up.

This makes a lot more sense than merely the singular "story of our life."

Our lives are a multitude of layers, thousands of experiences, all layered upon each other, all combining together to make the gloriousness that is us!

So, first thing to do is recognise these stories for what they are. How do we find them? Easy, just switch off your thinking brain, & start writing!

Eg, for me, they'd go something like:

I was born in Australa (that's a story)
We moved around a lot when I was a kid (another story)
I grew up in a lower-middle class family

and so on..

The critical thing here is this - when we think about identity, ourselves, who we are, it's these stories that define us. These are the things that we tell ourselves over & over each day, in the back of our minds.

And that's exactly the problem.

The more we tell ourselves these stories, the more they define us.

You get in a troubled relationship, make the mistake of extrapolating a bit too much, & start telling yourself "I always fall for the wrong guy/gal", and hey presto, you're going to start doing that in your life. These are self fulfilling prophecies.

Imagine having a guy who followed you around all day, whispering in your ear "you suck!" or "you're a failure!". How long do you think before your life really did start sucking? (or, perhaps a better move, you punched him out).

The problem is, this is exactly what our mind is doing to us. It's why shamans deliberately let go of their stories as part of their training. Why buddhists learn to detach themselves from their egos. It's all the same thing.

Now, that's a pretty big goal, so what's a good first step?

Well, how about realising that a whole bunch of these stories aren't even ours?

90% of what happened before I left home? Those aren't my stories.

Anything I didn't directly choose, or was just something I was told? Those aren't my stories.

I didn't choose to move around as a child. I didn't choose where to live, how much money the family had, & so on. These were my parents' decisions. Sure, they affected me at the time, but they're only my stories if I choose to make them so. They only continue to affect me if I choose to make them part of the collection of stories I tell myself.

Even just changing the focus can help enormously. "I'm from a lower-middle class family" to "I had lower-middle class parents" or "My parents were lower-middle class." At each step removed it's less & less self-defining, so the story has less power. If you want to keep it at all.

Ditto with relationships. How many relationships have you been in where this person, that you chose, respected & loved has told you something terrible about yourself? You're a terrible lover, useless in business, embarrassing to be seen with, and so on.

Why are you choosing to continue telling yourself that story? ("I'm embarrassing to be seen with"). It's not your story, it's just their opinion, their story.

We have the choice, we always have the choice not to continue telling ourselves these stories.

Realising that we have these stories is an important first step.
Identifying which ones we can let go of is enormously empowering.
An easy first step is to chuck out all the ones we have that were never ours to begin with.
When we can finally release them all, then we're well on the way to being truly free to live.

Rewrite Your Past

2008-12-19T16:55:00.001+11:00

Memory is notoriously unreliable.

It's a fair bet that most of the memories we have are confused, jumbled, or otherwise incorrect. Certainly not accurate enough to hold up in court - this is, after all, why policemen write down everything at the scene of a crime.

The funny thing is, these are the memories that we torture ourselves with. Regret over things done or not done. Disappointment at other people & ourselves. Perceived failures & missed opportunities.

Even when we're not actively beating ourselves up, those memories are still there in the background, providing (unpleasant) flavour.

If our memories are likely to be wrong (to some degree) anyway, why not at least make them pleasantly wrong? Who's to say they have to be an accurate reflection of the past? Surely what happens in your head is 100% your business?

Of course, changing your memory of your phone number isn't the cleverest thing in the world, but there are plenty of other juicy candidates. How about

all those situations where you've been socially confident, the life of the party
the successful presentations you've given
how popular you were at school
all those payraises
the deeply loving & supportive relationships
the peaceful breakups
how effortless it's been for you to meet new people
those moments with your parents where you truly understood how much they loved you
that long history of high figure sales
the times you've stunned those around you with your brilliance & insight

You get the idea! Make your (remembered) life as beautiful, poetic & magical as you like!

pic by alicepopkorn

It's your brain - own it!

So how to do this? Well, it doesn't have to be any more complicated than finding a quiet spot, remembering back to specific life situations you've had, and imagining them going however-you-want. Keep imagining them until the old memory fades away & the new replaces it (this is very well researched phenomena). If you feel like part of you is struggling with this, you can always tap while you do it, but that's totally up to you.

Your life is nothing but the sum of your memories. Why not start a new life, right now?

Just start with whatever pops in your head. Recreate your memories, making them as awesome as you possibly can. As Orwell famously said "Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past." Well you control the present.

As within, so without.

& here's a little anecdote to whet your appetite. I had a particular situation with a certain person a few years back, where perhaps they didn't give me the recognition or appreciation I would have liked. In the few years since then, they've never really mentioned this, let alone made any kind of big deal about it. Just not in their nature.

So hey, I did the above. Imagined them really understanding how much effort I'd put in to help them.. and showing me. I imagined myself feeling deeply appreciated. Loved. Thanked. It was awesome! *laugh*

Didn't take long. The whole thing? Maybe 5 minutes.

The only difference I could outwardly detect was that I felt more loving towards them. That aside, I promptly forgot about it.

Next day, I'm surfing the web, & what do I find? A couple of paragraphs in a very public location, from them, acknowledging & stating exactly what I'd imagined. Giving me that thanks, that appreciation. Exactly how I (now) remember it going.

Coincidence? Maybe. You decide.

The Map'n'Tap - clearing complex issues

2008-12-16T22:05:00.001+11:00

A lot of times trying to heal something can be a bit crazy. Often there are so many things that seem relevant that it's almost impossible to know where to start, let alone where to go from there.

So, what to do, what to do?

What I've found works well is to mind-map the issue out, and then tap your way through the map.

What's a mind map? Well, there's a ton of ways of doing them, but the simplest is just to write whatever-issue-it-is in the middle of the page, then just draw lines out from there to anything else that pops into mind while thinking about the issue.

From there you then think about each of those things, and draw lines outward, just connecting each thought to any others that pop up.

(I have a couple of examples below)

This has a lot of benefits:

Rather than having to come up with everything in one go, you can just spit bits out as they come to you
Once something is written down, you can drop it from your mind rather than having to hold everything in short-term memory
By focussing on each sub-issue in turn, it's much easier to find subtle, smaller related facts that may otherwise have been lost - often I've found a core issue right at the root of things only after tracing through 4 or 5 links
Roughly speaking, the closer in to the centre of the page, the more significant something is.

Number 4 is important, because in terms of tapping (or whatever healing method works for you), you can then start from the outside in. In the examples below, just follow the red arrows. You tap/heal the 'leaves' right on the outside of the map, then slowly work your way into the middle. At each point, you don't have any related issues getting in the way or slowing things up - either because what you're healing is right on the edge, or because all the smaller, related issues have already been healed.

This also really helps with the need to be specific, in order for tapping to work well.

Now with some issues the maps will come out stupidly simple:

And sometimes they're an absolute mess:

(Yeah, these have both been blurred to heck & back. The details aren't really important, just the relative messiness)

It really doesn't matter too much how you do them, if you want to draw instead of write, or anything. It's your head, so your stuff. You're not doing it for anyone else.

The really interesting thing is - once you've cleared one map, you can redo it, and often completely different stuff will come up. By clearing off that outer layer of gunk, you can see/feel your way to deeper things, things that you previously wouldn't have been able to see for all the mess at the higher level.

It's a nifty tool. I've done TONS of these things in the last few weeks - and combined with finger tapping, even the most complex one I'm usually completely cleared in maybe 20 minutes. When I can look at a phrase or bubble & feel like it just doesn't matter any more, then I just move inwards, nice & simple. Eventually I'll be healing the centre item directly, and it generally just collapses & clears with ease.

As an approach it works a treat. It's swiftly become my favourite tool for understanding & clearing complex issues.

Bring In The Clowns

2008-12-02T22:53:00.001+11:00

I'm not usually a huuuuge fan of clowns, but I got an urge to go for a walk this evening, & I stumbled across these..

..dancing to music, often upside down, as part of a giant advent calendar..

..part way up a 10 storey building. I figured, well, in this case they're probably worth cheering on.

While I was out, I took a pic or two of the local river..

..which is hellishly pretty at night.

And it seemed to be a night for clowns, since I passed this (advertising god knows what) on the way back:

Although I like to think it's just saying "Eat more vege's & dance like a loon!"

How To Tap All Day (& Not Look Like A Nutcase)

2008-11-22T11:44:00.001+11:00

EFT is a pretty useful tool. The only downside is that whacking yourself in the face in public tends to make you look a bit crazy.

And we don't want that, right?

Now, you can tap with your mind - focus on each point in turn, and simply imagine the tapping process - & that does work pretty well, but here's another way.

I picked this up from EFT down under - a couple of local blokes with international renown. I thoroughly recommend downloading their free report (it's all of about 4 pages long) - tons of good info in there.

Anyway, not trying to steal their thunder, but this technique is super useful so I just had to spread it a bit further. How simple is it? Well, you just whack your thumb against the edge of each of your fingers in turn - 5 to 10 times on each finger - just between the tip & first knuckle. Keep looping around to your heart's content! Like this:

Fear my giant sky hands! fear! feeeeaarr!

Of course, you have (I hope) two hands, so for even more impact, you can do it on both hands at once.

How does this compare to regular tapping? Well, I've found that if I'm shifting something big or complicated, then regular tapping kicks slightly more ass, but this is super useful, and effective about 80% of the time. A lot of times this has already shifted enough that I only have to tap one of the "regular" points in order to clear the bigger stuff anyway.

The other big advantage - because it's the kind of thing you can just do in the background while you're doing anything else, it is really useful for clearing out a ton of those niggly background thoughts. You know, the kind of noise that just jiggles around, but isn't necessarily big enough to really put your finger on (umm). After a day of doing this - just a few loops now and then when I remembered, without focussing on anything in particular, I felt a ton of background noise disappearing. Funniest thing was, I couldn't even figure out what I'd lost, just that things were clearer, & I felt a lot calmer.

I also find that because I can tap much faster with my fingers, I can cycle through a lot quicker, so I'm shifting things much much faster too.

Since this style of tapping is so unintrusive, it's the kind of thing you can idly do while you're on a bus, walking down the street, writing with the other hand, whatever. Best of all, without anyone really noticing, or getting yourself chucked in the loony bin.

It's super handy. Heh, as it were.

The 4 Most Powerful Phrases In The World

2008-11-10T16:48:00.001+11:00

I read a while back about a therapist in Hawaii who practised something called Ho'oponopono (took me weeks to learn how to spell that reliably).

Annnnyway, the way the story goes, this therapist, Dr Len went to work at an ultra hardcore insane asylum. The staff turnover rate was crazy high, and the patients were so violent that most of them were pretty much shackled up. Not a nice place.

So, Dr Len starts working there, and never sees a single patient. He just sits in his office, all day every day. After a few months, the shackled patients were being allowed to walk around freely. Others were coming off their medication. Staff absenteeism & turnover dropped to zero. After three years, all the patients had left & the place closed down.

Yes, an asylum for violent & criminally insane patients closed down because everyone was healed & there was no-one left to treat!

Needless to say, this pretty much got my attention. What the hell was Dr Len actually doing in his office?

Well, he looked at the patient's files, looked within himself to see how he created that person's illness, and then healed himself. As he healed himself, the patients got better.

No, I didn't mis-type that. He healed himself, and the patients got better. You can read more about Dr Len here.

The next question, of course, is how did he heal himself? Actually, it was very simple. He just looked at what needed healing inside himself, and said four things (the basis of Ho'oponopono), over and over:

I'm Sorry.
Please Forgive Me.
Thank You
I Love You

So imagine my surprise when I was recently reading "The True Power of Water" by Masaru Emoto. You may remember Emoto (what a great name!) - he wraps bottles of water with words, and then photographs the crystals that develop (or don't).

Given that we're 70% water, I figure it's probably worth paying a little attention to what he has to say on the subject.

Now, Emoto has spent decades trying different words, different languages, all to see the effect they have on water. His basic discovery is that negative words (whether written down, sung, or thought at the water) result in ugly looking water, whereas positive words result in beautiful looking water structures.

Which I guess also means that whatever we're bombarding ourselves with is more than just affecting our brains, it's actively changing 70% of our physical bodies.

The really interesting thing though?

Guess what the single most beautiful crystal he ever found was.

The water that was wrapped in words for "Love" & "Gratitude". That's right - I Love You, & Thank You - or two of the magic four phrases from Ho'oponopono.

Half A Ton Of Muscle With A Brain The Size Of A Cat

2008-11-08T17:41:00.001+11:00

It seemed like a nice day for a drive in the country..

A real My Own Private Idaho kind of day.

A friend of mine has stables north of the city here. Here's what a four legged Ferrari looks like:

Yep, that beautiful beast will set you back about the same amount as a brand new Ferrari. It doesn't go quite as fast, but has a hell of a lot more prestige - I guess that's the trade-off you make. It's going to be ridden by one of the top 3 dressage riders in the world at the upcoming 'Equitana' - the largest equine event in the southern hemisphere.

So here's what it looks like from the driving seat:

Excited? You should be! I know I was.

Struggled a bit changing gears & couldn't find the volume control, but other than that it was alllll good.

How does it compare to the four wheeled variety? Ahh, I can't say. Haven't had the chance to drive a regular Ferrari yet - their owners are an oddly possessive lot I've noticed. No probs, there's at least a couple of places near here that rent them out. I'll have a play & get back to you.

Oh, and here's an action shot:

Yes, that's what happens when I give a noob my camera. You'll just have to imagine it's me being awesome. Hey well done! In your mind I'm amaaaaazing! *laugh*

What IS Me?

2008-11-06T19:40:00.001+11:00

For years, I've figured that if I thought about who "I" was, it would look something like this:

Food in, everything else out. Input, Output, all pretty straight forward.

Thing is, there are some obvious flaws in this.

I can observe my thoughts happening, so obviously, I am not my thoughts.

Nothing new or startling to that particularly revelation.

Also though, I can see my emotions happening. Often times, as a direct result of the food I eat for example. The key question is - "how often do I choose which emotions to express, and how often is it more like they're just happening to me?"

So maybe I'm not my emotions either.

Now sure, I can definitely change both my moods & my thoughts by altering my environment - the people I surround myself with, the food I eat, and so on. I can also alter both consciously, but there's a huge difference between 'automatic' or background thoughts & using my mind as a Rational tool. There's also a difference between the vast majority of emotions I have (since I can't speak for anyone else here), which more or less wash over me on a daily basis, and if I very deliberately "choose to be happy now".

Most emotions & thoughts are things that are happening to me, not things I'm necessarily consciously choosing. So maybe 'Me' looks more like this:

Of course, as Tolle points out, any use of the words 'I', 'me', 'myself' etc are generally just our ego trying to assert control. There is, however, an important question here:

Who am I?

A while back, I stumbled across some Yogic talk like this.

Which really got me thinking about what that core, that real essence of 'me'ness actually is.

It's pretty obvious this isn't a novel idea - Hinduism (which has been around for ohhh, 5-8000 years or so) has this concept of Advaita Vedanta - that your atman is part of Brahman. Very roughly, this translates to our soul is part of God/The Universe/whatever. From a quantum physics perspective, us as individuals being part of a universal whole is (more or less) predicted by Bell's Theorem (more readable explanation here - under 'The Physics of Interconnectedness'). For the moment let's ignore the intentionality or not of a universal whole (ie "Is the metaphysical 'God' the same as the quantum physical 'Universe', or even 'All possible universes'"), since it's largely irrelevant to this discussion. Having spent wayyy too long in the Catholic church, I'm also hesitant to use Christian terminology in a discussion like this, since it brings an enormous amount of baggage with it too, but we'll let that slide for the moment too.

All this talk of souls & God, atman & Brahman was merely a catalyst. It got me thinking.

I can change my speech, my actions, what food I eat, my thoughts & emotions. This is more or less what I've been doing extensively for the last few years now. While this has caused me to change enough that it's pulled me away from certain ex-friends and ex-girlfriends, my primary fear was that I would lose myself altogether.

Oddly, almost the complete opposite has happened.

If anything I've become more 'me', but the best of me. Many of the emotions, thoughts & behaviours that I had thought were 'me', simply weren't. I'm just the 'me' that's been there at the core of my life - now more consistently, and with less baggage stacked around the outside. Fortunately, I guess, it seems that the actual 'me' is less of an asshole than I'd always figured I was. Changing the inputs on the above diagram has really helped with that (gigantic-hint-to-19-year-old-Si: minimise caffeine & booze. OMG yes!)

So maybe there's something to this "We're spiritual beings have a physical experience" thing. Maybe we really are just here as 'spirits', 'energy beings', 'souls' (whatever-the-hell terminology works for you), hanging around here on earth in meat-sacks, our bodies, doing what we do. Hanging out, having a beer (or a green juice), getting to know one another & generally palling around.

All the things I thought were me aren't, and the more I clear away, the more truly I seem to find who I really am. And the really good news? All of the negative crap? That was never me. The miserable emotions, thoughts, eating habits, speech & behaviours. All those I can (& mostly have) let go of, and I'm still 'me' without them.

No, it really does seem - from watching myself change - and from seeing those who are further down the path than I, that the more you change, the more you remain the same - except now it's just the best of you.

There really is nothing to fear, & it feels just like coming home.

What The Hell Is Karma?

2008-10-17T16:51:00.000+11:00

I was talking to a friend the other day about karma, and I got to wondering - what the hell IS it, exactly? I mean, everyone thinks they what it is, right?

You do something bad - in this life or past - and it'll come back & bite you on the arse.

Ok, well that's simple.

But hang on, the wikipedia page on karma is almost 4000 words. What the hell?

Ok, so maybe there's more to it.

The basic gist of that enormous page is that the effects of all deeds actively create your past, present & future experiences. Ie, you're entirely responsible for your own life.

There is a subtlety though - and that is, it's not any old deeds, but only deeds that have thought behind them. Only volitional, or consciously chosen deeds, create karma.

So, ok, if I choose to do something, that will create karma, and I'll then have the fruits of that, good or bad, echoing through my life.

Over time - and particularly if you believe in reincarnation - that's got to add up to one HUGE amount of karma, all banging around, recreating the same bad (or good) stuff, over and over.

(pic by consumerfriendly )

Wow. Nutty.

Now, there's a profoundly thoughtful guy called Ram Dass, who has spent most of a lifetime thinking about this stuff (after he finished hanging out with Timothy Leary & doing a ton of acid). He's interviewed in a thoroughly excellent documentary called Ecstatic States, and he has this to say on the subject:

Interviewer: Could you tell us exactly what karma is?

No. *laughs* That take care of that question?

You could say it's.. uhh.. It's a very complex concept of cause-and-effect. What it says is, if you drop a pebble into a clear pond. There'll be all these little waves going out and out and out. And even though you could almost see them stop, with your naked eye, if you looked at it with technical equipment, you'd see that the thing keeps going and going and going.

So what it's saying is that every action starts a sequence of events. And then who we are at any moment is determined by all the events we've started in the past that are reverberating into us now, over time. Over lots of time.

It's like, you know, for example, that your childhood experiences affect your adult personality. That's sort of an example of karma.

It's your karma, meaning it's the previous causal forces that are creating this particular effect. So if you look at your life, and if you have a larger sense of who you are than your physical body. I'm talking about reincarnation, or the whole idea that an individual's soul goes through birth after birth after birth. Each birth is determined by the karmic residue of all the previous births. Then in a birth, you are living out the karma created by the previous births. Now, as you awaken more, most people are not only living out the old karma, but they keep creating new karma all the time, which keeps propelling them into the future, more and more.

To be free means to be free of this kind of karmic law that you're just being a mechanical run-off of. So, the beginning of awakening means that you no longer create new karma, because you see how karma's created (which is another little discussion). And then you're just running off old karma. So a lot of the beings you see are people that have awakened sufficiently so that they don't create any new karma, and then they're in a body, or they continue their work, like the inertia from the past, until it runs out.

Interviewer: How do you not create new karma?

By the awareness no longer being identified with the motivation. It is the desire that creates karma. It doesn't mean you don't have the desires, it means your awareness is not identified with the desires. You still do what you do, but you're not caught in being attached to the doing of it. Which is kind of sneaky, because when you're not attached, it changes what happens.

Clear as mud? Thought so!

(pic by vidular )

What to do, what to do?
There are a couple of issues here:

1. How do we stop old karma from continuing to screw up our lives?
2. How do we, practically, stop creating new karma?

Here's where everything gets a little speculative.

From what I've seen in my own life, I'm pretty sure that by healing (eg, using EFT) anything bad that happens to us (including negative thoughts, emotions, feelings), we short circuit our karmic looping of old problems. This seems a proactive way of doing what Ram Dass describes as "running off old karma".

EFT isn't the only way of doing this, of course. I know people that use falling still, yoga, chanting, eating raw food, meditation, and so on, to achieve the same end (or, hell, all of the above!). As Buddha says, "There are many fingers pointing at the moon, but only one moon."

So, if this helps to speed up getting rid of old karma, how do we also stop creating new karma? (otherwise we're going to be chasing our own tail a bit here)

"Not being identified with the desires" or "not being attached to the doing" is fair enough, but how do you actually do that, without spending 30 years sitting on a mountain top somewhere?

Well, let's look at it a subtly different way. Anytime we react angrily, that's got to increase our karma, right? Similarly then, if we act from any other emotions. The only exception would be coming from a place of pure peace. If we have a still mind, and an open heart, that would have to be a place from which no new karma would be generated. It meets both Ram Dass' & wikipedia's criteria. Action without attachment.

How to reach that place of still mind & open heart? Is it perhaps unsurprising that the healing tools listed above seem to coincidentally result in exactly these outcomes?

Does that mean these tools will take you to a place of nirvana? Reduce all your karma to zero & have you strumming a harp on a cloud? I couldn't possibly say. It's a complicated thing that people have been thinking & arguing about for thousands of years. All I can say is from where I stand now, these seem like good steps to be taking in more or less the right direction.

Less attachment & suffering in this life, fewer karmic echoes in the next.