Jeff Sparkman's Siftin'

Merry Christmas from Siftin...Merry Chriiiiiistmaaaassss....

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 06:00:01 PST

Thanks for reading, and thanks to everyone who sent this my way last year!

Me and the Cap'n make it happen

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 21:51:49 PST

This is how I know I'm moving up in the world: Cap'n Crunch replied to a question I asked on Twitter. The Oops! All Berries cereal had been a semi-regular offering but labeled "Limited time only!" The last box I polished off didn't have that caveat on it anywhere, so like any other normal 37-year-old, I asked the mascot on Twitter (whom I was, of course, already following. What? Shut up!).

But then of course, I had to overdo it with the nerdiness and ask for more.

Don't remember Punch Crunch and Vanilly Crunch (insert Milli Vanilli joke here, 1990)?

Time will tell...

NaNoWriMo 2011, Day 2

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 11:45:03 PDT

It's only the second day of National Novel Writing Month and I'm already behind.

Unhampered amusement

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 12:09:34 PDT

My wife and I were in the living room last night investigating the wide selection of sod-all that comprises Netflix's streaming library when I heard something from one of the kids' rooms.

"Dad!"

It was my son. Probably trying to scam his way out of having to go to sleep.

"Daaaaad!"

Okay, a bit more urgent. I got up to investigate. As I approached his room, I heard, "Dad, I'm stuck in the hamper!" I opened the door, and sure enough, all I could see of him was his legs sticking out the top of the cylindrical hamper.

My wife did the actual extraction because I was still busy laughing. When we asked what happened, my son said that he couldn't see where he was going. He must have crawled in a straight line off his bed to manage to hit the hamper, which lies at the end of it.

Amazingly, this wasn't the first time something like this happened. When he was a wee nubbin, he managed to slip out of his crib head first into the bin of stuffed animals.

Kid is part ostrich, I'm telling you.

The voices behind the Superfriends

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 23:13:11 PDT

Years ago before I even started blogging, I considered writing a book about the various incarnations of the Superfriends cartoon, because amazingly, it hadn't been done yet. There were books about Saturday morning cartoons, yeah, but nothing specifically about the Superfriends. My running title for it was "WonderTwin Powers, Activate." Shortly after I gathered up as many of the episodes as I could find--they weren't on DVD at that point--and started watching them, Danny Dark, the voice of Superman, died.

Without slighting the rest of the voice cast, one of the reasons I wanted to write the book was to talk to Mr. Dark about his announcing/voice acting career in addition to being--for some people my age--the voice you heard when you read a Superman comic book. Olan Soule, who did the voice for Batman for all but the final two seasons, had died back in 1994, so that left me more or less without Superman or Batman to talk to. And at that point, finding the other voice actors would've required more detective work than I was capable of.

Even though I'd given up on the book idea, I still wanted to know about the rest of the cast. For the most part, you never really got to see what they looked like. Adam West, who voiced (duh) Batman on the last two seasons of the show, I'd also grown up with, so I knew what he looked like. And Casey Kasem, who did the voice for Robin, was no mystery, either. Norman Alden, who did Aquaman for the first two seasons, was a regular character actor (he played Frank on "ElectraWoman and DynaGirl" and was Lou the cafe owner in "Back to the Future"), so I'd seen him a number of times. And Michael Bell--Zan (among a billion other voices on Saturday mornings)--was Groppler Zorn in the first episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation."

But that still left all the other characters and the actors who voiced them. What did they look like? Little by little, it became easier to find the few episodes of TV that featured one actor or another. Danny Dark appeared as a TV anchor in the comedy "Tunnelvision," and I recognized him the minute he started speaking.

But it wasn't until last week that I learned a lot about the majority of the voices of the Superfriends. And that I owe to author Marc Tyler Nobleman, who in addition to being a prolific author, also has a kickass blog in which he has a section of interviews with a number of Superfriends cast members. Even more amazing, he has talked to actors from Hanna-Barbera's oft-mocked live-action "Legends of the Superheroes" shows. The legwork he had to do to find many of these people astounds me. It was really neat to get to hear about the people whose voices were a large part of my childhood.

And while I was even further amazed to read about the people who were in the Sea World superheroes water ski show that I saw advertised but never witnessed in person, I think my favorite interview is the one he did with actor Bo Rucker, the guy who played the pimp in "Superman: The Movie." You know:

HELLS YES.

That was one of the most-quoted lines on the playground (by me, anyway) back in the day, and it never in a million years would've occurred to me that I'd ever read an interview with him. He seems like a cool guy, too.

The Internet amazes me. In this case, in a good way. Not like one of those "things you can't unsee" kind of ways.

TV Guide crosswords make me feel smart

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 23:44:20 PDT

I've been on a TV Guide crossword puzzle kick lately, partly because of an ongoing research project I'm trying to tame (it's mentioned in the penultimate post before my hiatus), and partly because it's awesome that in any given puzzle, Abe Vigoda is apt to be one of the clues.

Seriously.

I have the gigantic TV Guide crossword puzzle book, which spans entire decades, and I also have a small pocket-size compilation I picked up in 1992 and promptly stored for almost 20 years. I've just about filled that one up during the train ride portion of my commute.

Aside: My commute consists of a 15-20 minute drive to a park-and-ride lot, a hour-to-hour-and-a-half bus ride to BART, and then 45 minutes to an hour on BART to the office. Round trip, that's close to 6 hours a day. So if I seem punchy in a blog post, I may have written it while commuting. You have been warned.

The older puzzles from the 1950s are probably the hardest, not just because I'm not as familiar with the shows, but because they don't contain as many slow-pitch clues and answers. A recurring pair of clues are like 33 Down: A comedy program | 6 Across: Host of 33 Down. Was there really that little on back then? I think not. The puzzles from the 70s and 80s are the easiest, since damn near every clue reminds me of something I used to watch as a kid. It's weird; I read TONS of books as a kid, and I remember playing outside a bunch, but the amount of 50s-80s TV programming that is locked in my brain breaks some kind of math.

Over the course of doing dozens of puzzles, with clues both hard and easy ("'Magnum __ (abbr.)"), there are certain "crossword words" that stick out, like eel, alee, alit, oleo; filler words that no one outside of puzzle circles has probably encountered.

But these being TV Guide puzzles, there are certain TV-related standbys as well. Abe Vigoda is one, mostly for his first name, though occasionally for his character's name (Fish, of course). Actress Sue Ane Langdon came up an awful lot, almost always thusly: "Actress Sue ___ Langdon." Ane is great for filling spots in your puzzle. While the name sounded familiar, I couldn't figure out exactly why. I looked her up on IMDB.com and saw that she'd been in scores of TV shows since the late 1950s. But then I saw the one credit that explained why I recognized her name.

Zapped! (1982)

Rose Burnhart

"Do I have to, Miss Burnfart?"

Ah, yes, the teacher from the classic cable-TV mainstay of the early 80s with the dream team of Scott Baio and Willie Aames. I have a soft place in my heart for this movie, presumably with a soft spot in my brain to match. You've seen it, I hope? Baio plays a nerdy kids who accidentally gains telekinetic powers after a lab experiment. Imagine if "Carrie" had been melded with "Charles in Charge" and you're pretty much there, except during the prom at the end, telekinesis is used to remove girls' clothes instead of killing everyone.

It is, I must say, the best film to ever incorporate a dream sequence that involves Scatman Crothers (no relation to anyone involved with the "Human Centipede" movies), pot, Albert Einstein, and salami. You doubt me?

It's even better if you close your eyes and imagine it's Hong Kong Phooey talking to Einstein.

Look what the cat dragged in...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 23:12:55 PDT

In retrospect, it wasn't a huge surprise. I knew I was risking burning out when I blogged every day in 2008. Sure enough, little by little, fewer posts until finally, I stopped entirely in 2010. It's been almost a year and a half since I eked out the fifth of five posts in 2010.

Besides getting burned out, I kept finding a lot of what I was interested in being written better by others. Yeah, maybe no one can work in a fart joke out of left field the way I can, but still, it made me wonder why I was bothering. In addition, all that grown-up, real-life stuff was happening, making me, for lack of a better expression, not in the mood for writing.

So now I'm trying again. There are still people doing stuff better (in fact, a future post will feature one such site), but like Ben Folds said, there's always someone out there cooler than you, so what the hell, right?

Here's something I should have blogged about from last summer:

So back in July 2010, the Rifftrax folks had a contest in which fans could submit jokes for specific scenes in the cult classic "Reefer Madness" to be included in the live riff event that would play in theaters across the country. I dutifully knocked off jokes for each of the scenes in the contest video. The show itself was going to be in August.

August rolls around, and I get an e-mail that includes the following: "Hi Jeff! We used your ninth riff in the movie, where would you like your swag mailed?"

This was pretty much my response:

So in addition to all the swag, which included a signed Mike Nelson bobblehead (it stands next to Count Chocula on my desk), a T-shirt, and a mess of buttons and stickers, MY NAME would be in the end credit roll. My name. On a movie screen. Eight-year-old me was proud of aging-nerd me.

I'd planned on going anyway since it was going to be streamed to a theater in my town, but now I had to go. And it didn't occur to me till I was sitting in the dark theater, waiting for it to start, but I'd get to hear an audience react to something I wrote. One of the things I get to do at work is help write for one of our shows, but I don't really get to see how the jokes are received.

When my joke came, delivered by Bill Corbett, it got a respectable amount of laughter, and I have to admit--it felt good. The whole show was hilarious; if you get the chance to catch a live event, you really ought to. As the movie ended and the parting comments commenced, I waited for the credits to roll.

Instead, the feed just stopped. I think my theater had started playing the feed a bit late (yeah, it's not LIVE live in California, but what else is new?), so that might have been part of it. Regardless, I had missed my chance to see my name on the big screen. Yeah, I can watch the DVD at home, where my name is indeed present, but it's not the same, you know?

I guess this wasn't just in my theater, as Rifftrax released a short video on YouTube that listed the winners a while later.

So everyone in sixth grade who constantly told me I wasn't funny can ~~go suck it~~ see where their encouragement got me.

18 Years of TV: 'The Greatest American Hero'

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 20:01:24 PDT

Show: The Greatest American Hero
Original run: March 18, 1981 to February 3, 1983

Network: ABC

Premise: Extraterrestrials give high school teacher Ralph Hinkley (William Katt) a suit that grants him super powers and a mission to fight crime. The suit comes with an instruction manual, but Hinkley loses it minutes after receiving it. He reluctantly teams up with FBI agent Bill Maxwell (Robert Culp) to secretly foil plots of various criminals, which wreaks havoc on Ralph's love life with Pam Davidson (Connie Sellecca).

This was just about my most favorite TV show as a kid. I loved the idea that a regular guy who suddenly got super powers wasn't automatically an expert. He couldn't fly very well and crashed more often than not. And since he lost the instruction manual, he discovered the suit's powers by accident.

This was when I started scrutinizing the listings in TV Guide, because over the show's three-season (sort of) run, it was bounced around the schedule, pre-empted, etc., before finally canning it without showing four episodes that had been produced, so I needed to keep track of when it was on.

The show had difficulties almost right out of the gate; two days before the second regular episode aired, John Hinckley, Jr., shot President Reagan in an assassination attempt. Not wanting a main character whose last name was just about the same as a guy who tried to kill the president, Ralph Hinkley became Ralph Hanley. But the change was so abrupt that they covered the Hinkleys at first with sound effects. They changed it back to Hinkley when the second season began.

Warner Bros., parent company of DC Comics, sued ABC and show creator Stephen J. Cannell over the show, saying that the character of Ralph was too similar to Superman. You can actually read about it here. Most interesting aside from not pursuing the greater similarity to Green Lantern (regular guy given something wearable that gives him amazing powers to fight evil), was the revelation that the first design for the costume, which was rejected by Cannell, was "a beige and yellow outfit with a white collar and 'fold-up wings.'" Of course, I suppose they could've gone after them for being too similar to Hawkman. In any event, the lawsuit was dismissed.

The show was a bit of a departure for Cannell, who had a long track record of crime dramas. But even though the main character was a guy flying around in a pair of red underwear (or as Bill called them, the "magic jammies"), Ralph--who never had a proper superhero name--tackled relatively mundane terrestrial-based crime. As Cannell said on one of the DVD commentaries, there was a constant struggle, because he wanted it to be more grounded in reality, and the network wanted more fantastic, superheroey stuff.

Among the problems Ralph faced were Armageddon ("Operation: Spoilsport"), a possibly dirty pro football player and former classmate, ("The Price is Right"), drug runners ("Captain Bellybuster and the Speed Factory"), and even a space monster ("The Shock Will Kill You").

When the show first came on, I was a clumsy kid who desperately wanted to be a superhero, so I idolized Ralph. I couldn't wait to see each episode. In fact, I even badgered my mom into sewing me a cape to wear while I watched. I even bought the 45 of the show's theme song, "Believe It Or Not," by Joey Scarbury.

::sigh::

When I watched the show in syndication, I took more notice of Connie Sellecca as Pam Davidson. Rawr.

And now when I watch the DVDs, I pay the most attention to Robert Culp's portrayal of hard-nosed Fed Bill Maxwell. His overuse of the word "scenario," and his penchant for eating dog biscuits from the box, and his badass attitude crack me up. I was saddened to hear of Robert Culp's recent passing; he was awesome in everything I've seen him in, but Bill Maxwell will always be my favorite.

While the show's ratings dwindled, people continue to love the idea. Heck, in 1986, they even made a pilot for NBC of a follow-up, "The Greatest American Heroine," in which Ralph is exposed and eventually gives in to the resulting fame and fortune. The aliens who originally gave him the suit don't want their hero to be a colossal douche, so they take it away from Ralph, saying that now that his identity is exposed, he can't be as effective. He is charged with finding a replacement.

He finds that replacement--a woman named Holley Hathaway (played by Mary Ellen Stuart), who wants to save the world. Bill was charged to teach her how to use the suit, with comedic hijinks ensuing. The pilot wasn't picked up, and the episode was re-edited as a regular episode and stuck at the end of the syndication package.

There has also been a comic adaptation, co-written by William Katt. Talks of a remake have been flying around seemingly since the show left the air, but so far, nothing has materialized. Nathan Fillion ("Firefly," "Castle," "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog") mentioned in an interview that he wants to play Ralph in a movie version, which would be pretty awesome. But who could play Bill Maxwell? The only actor I can think of who's close would be Bruce Campbell.

If you want all the TGAH information you can handle, check out the long-running site, www.the-greatest-american-hero.com. It is made of awesome and win.

Feel free to share your memories of the show in the comments.

The project begins...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 15:15:33 PDT

Okay, I'm going to give this my best shot. Wish me luck.

The project I mentioned a while back is an exercise in insanity. My goal is to watch at least one episode of every prime-time show that debuted during the first 18 years of my life. And since this kind of brazen stupidity should be documented, that's what I'll be posting here.

I'm hoping to make this a weekly thing, but that may be biweekly depending on my ever-growing busy schedule.

To clarify, this includes all shows that debuted from fall 1974 to fall 1992. It doesn't include shows that were already on (like "M.A.S.H.," for example), which I guess helps me a tiny bit.

The format will probably change here and there in the following weeks, but in general, I'll lay out some basic stats, a brief synopsis, and then whatever memories I have of the show, as well as a general review.

Some of these shows are old favorites; some I have no recollection of seeing. I'm not going in chronological order, so you never know which show will be next. I'm sneaky that way.

I'd love for this to be interactive, so by all means, please share your memories in the comments of each entry.

'The Human Centipede' brings new meaning to 'creepy-crawlie'

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 18:04:00 PDT

You know, some times it seems that just about everything has been done in horror films. Killer snowmen? Check. Guy with papier-mache turkey head? Check. But then you hear about a flick like "The Human Centipede: First Sequence," and your faith in the creative depravity of mankind is renewed.

Quoth the film's official site:

During a stopover in Germany in the middle of a carefree roadtrip through Europe, two American girls find themselves alone at night when their car breaks down in the woods. Searching for help at a nearby villa, they are wooed into the clutches of a deranged retired surgeon who explains his mad scientific vision to his captives' utter horror. They are to be the subjects of his sick lifetime fantasy: to be the first to connect people, one to the next, via their gastric system, and in doing so bring to life 'the human centipede.'

Check out the trailer below.

Apparently this doctor has never heard the old adage, "You never go ass to mouth." It will be interesting to see if the movie maintains the horror or if it relies solely on the admittedly disturbing premise. It will also be interesting to see if there's any videogame tie-in.

(via NerdBastards.com)

Coming soon...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 11:08:14 PDT

Working on a big project set to debut here soon. Hopefully, it will be worth the wait.

Hints:

Oh jeez, it's 2010 already?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 01:14:36 PST

Well, it's the start of another year, and I've been going through all the stuff I have yet to organize.

One of the things I found was this picture of me with the Wienermobile. And no, the hat wasn't mine.

This was the result of one of the only reportery things I did during my time as a newspaper copy editor. I heard a call over the police scanner that the Wienermobile was finally on its way to one of the local supermarkets after having had a spot of road trouble.

Realizing that as a copy editor, I had a working press pass, I hopped in my hoopty and hightailed it over there, pen and notepad in hand. (Not while I was driving, though. That would've been unsafe. You know what I mean.)

This would be perfect fodder for my weekly humor column. I mean, how could I pass that up, really?

I spoke with Des and Robin, the two college students in charge of this particular Wieniebago, and they gave me a tour of the inside. I'd always thought it would've been cool to drive around in the Wienermobile--imagine picking up a date for the first time--but once I found out that there was no air conditioning, I realized I was probably better off.

Before I left to think of suitable-for-publication wiener puns, they took a Polaroid of me wearing a goofy hat so I'd have a souvenir of my tour.

Fortunately I didn't have to sing the Oscar Mayer jingle.

Things we said today

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:06:57 PST

Today, I wanted to share a sad story with you. It's about the breakup of a relationship.

As told with Beatles songs. Some are covers, but all were performed by the Beatles. Enjoy.

"Martha, my dear."
"Oh, Darling..."
"Love me do."
"I will."
"Why don't we do it in the road?"
"You can't do that!"
"Wait..."
"Leave my kitten alone!"
"I want you."
"I should have known better."
"Honey, don't!"
"All you need is love."
"Don't let me down."
"I'm so tired..."
"Tell me why."
"Because."
"That means a lot."
"You like me too much."
"It's only love!"
"We can work it out..."
"Hold me tight!"
*No reply*
"Julia..."
"What goes on?"
"Honey Pie!"
"Another girl?"
"Help!"
"How do you do it?"
"I want to tell you."
"Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey."
"She came in through the bathroom window. I saw her standing there."
"She loves you?"
"Tell me what you see."
"I've just seen a face."
"I'm a loser."
"Bad boy."
"Baby, it's you!"
"Don't bother me."
"I need you!"
"Getting better..."
"I wanna be your man!"
"If I needed someone..."
"I'm happy just to dance with you!"
"That'll be the day."
"I'll get you."
"When I'm 64!"
"I'll keep you satisfied."
"Boys."
"Any time at all."
"Get back."
"Long, long, long..."
"It won't be long."
"I'll be on my way."
"Good night."
"I lost my little girl..."
"You won't see me."
"I'll cry instead."

The End

Why I don't work for Marvel...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 11:41:53 PDT

I would have killed for something like this when I was a kid. Well, okay, I would've killed for the Internet when I was a kid. But I saw that Marvel has a little create your own comic app on the Marvel Super Hero Squad site.

It's a pretty simple drag-and-drop design, and you can scale the graphics and word balloons. You even get a choice of cool comic fonts to use as well.

If you don't feel like you have an epic comic book story to tell, you can start with a single comic strip. I gave that a shot, and I was surprised how quickly you can put something together. Click to embiggen.

Yeah, I think we can see why I don't work for Marvel...

When you care enough to print the very best...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:41:32 PDT

You old people like me may remember laboring over making a banner in Print Shop on your Apple II or your Commodore 64, picking the perfect graphic and selecting the right font, only for the damn thing to rip in half when you actually tried to hang it.

This is, of course, assuming you didn't accidentally tear it when you were taking off the pinfeeds.

Do you find yourself feeling oddly nostalgic when you hear the sound of a dot-matrix printer? I inherited our old Commodore 128 (we used it almost exclusively in C64 mode) and discs, and while I was moving the storage bin around the other day, I poked around the inside and found the old reference card for Print Shop.

There were a few years there in the mid-80s when I thought Hallmark was going to fold because I was making so many birthday cards myself. With eight fonts and 50 graphics, I'm surprised with the number of different cards, posters and banners I was able to make. And once we got Print Shop Companion, I had even more options.

My font of choice was Tech. Surprise, surprise. Least favorite: Party. Even to this day I hate that font--and fonts like it. I call it Dingleball.

And my favorite among the graphics? No. 26, the skull. I was told after a few times that while cool, it was not necessarily the best choice for birthday cards. Whatever.

Just looking at this thing brought back so many memories of spending time in front of my trusty Commodore or in front of one of the Apples in my junior high school's computer lab. I liked my Commodore better, of course, since it had a full-color monitor; those Apple monitors were a pain in the ass for me to see, either because they were overused or because of my mild color-blindness.

Plus, one of our neighbors down the street was an avid C64 junkie, and he'd hook my brother and me up with all sorts of games, from Space Taxi to Impossible Mission. It makes me wonder if in the future, my kids will look at the tech of today with a bit of nostalgic love, or if they'll regard it as just another ubiquitous appliance like a toaster.

The two great tastes that--okay, maybe not.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 22:38:54 PDT

I was thinking of those commercials for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups; the ones that say there's no wrong way to eat one. I say they just haven't used their imaginations. With that in mind, I offer you:

The Top 13 Wrong Ways to Eat a Reese's
13. Atom by atom.
12. Sharing it with a piranha.
11. On a hamburger.
10. Off the blades of a whirling blender.
9. Flambe.
8. While knowing you're allergic to peanuts.
7. In front of Batman. Mofo loves him some Reese's.
6. During your tristate killing spree.
5. When you're expecting guests in R'lyeh; the chocolate gets all over your face tentacles. (Note: This only applies if you are Cthulhu.)
4. While running naked through PetSmart (that's according to the cops, anyway).
3. Off a hooker's ass (according to my wife).
2. Like Brundlefly.
1. Rectally.

Face for podcasts

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:54:42 PDT

Eric Franklin and Dong Ngo host the always-entertaining Inside CNET Labs podcast. This week, they asked me to be a guest, and since I never say no to being in front of a microphone, I happily agreed. So now you can hear my James Earl Jones-like voice pontificate about various nerdery. If you're not already listening, you'd better start. It's like a nerdy Knights of the Algonquin Round Table.

Plus, I discovered that we can say "boner" in the podcast.

I love to love "Love to Love You Bradys"

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:38:33 PDT

My earliest memory is of watching "The Brady Bunch" on a black-and-white TV while loading my diaper. Now, this may come as a bit of a shock, but I wasn't actually alive when "The Brady Bunch" was originally on the air. Missed it by a few months.

The first Brady incarnation in my lifetime was the immortal "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour." Alas, as I was only 2, I didn't have much power over channel choice, and I didn't get to see any of it until about 20 years later, when I finally got to watch the opening number of the first episode, in which the Bradys, decked out in polyesterrific, spangled outfits, sing a medley of "Baby Face" and (naturally) Donna Summer's "Love to Love You Baby."

My brain is still recovering.

If you've seen any bit of "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour," you probably have the same questions that I had, most of which are permutations of OMGWTFBBQ?! How did this get on the air? Why did this get on the air? What happened to Jan? And if you haven't, check out this montage:

Luckily for you (and Brady junkies like me), the trio of Ted Nichelson, Lisa Sutton, and Susan Olsen (yes, that Susan Olsen) teamed up to bring the world "Love to Love You Bradys: The Bizarre Story of The Brady Bunch Variety Hour," the most in-depth record of this show that will likely ever exist in this or any other world.

Being the self-centered sort I am, I can't help but feel this was written for me. I mean, it's a 300-plus-page book about a famously awful show that ran for only nine episodes. How could I not want to read this?

Sincerely, I loved this book. As a fan of things deemed unsuccessful, I'm always curious as the story behind these productions. No one sets out to make a giant steaming pile of a movie or TV show. And in this book, you get to hear from all kinds of people involved in the production of this infamous program. Writers, dancers, and of course, actors--there are really no areas missed or stones unturned in this photo-laden delight.

Despite the length, it is a speedy read, and there are lots of juicy insider tidbits. I won't reveal them; you should experience the fun for yourself.

I don't think that's what KFC stands for...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 11:22:33 PDT

Someone needs to make a picture of this that has Kanye interrupting him.

Oh, dear God, I'm old.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:00:31 PDT

I wonder if this happens to other people--at some point in your adolescence, time stops. No matter how long something has been, if it's after that cutoff date, it's "new."

For me, this cutoff is around 1985-1988. While I realize Bob Barker let his hair go white almost 25 years ago, I still consider it new. Likewise the Snuggle bear and a bunch of other stuff.

Logically, I know that Aerosmith's "Permanent Vacation" album is 20+ years old, but I don't think of it as being as old now as "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" was when I was watching the video for "Angel." Does that make sense to you?

I mention this because at the end of this block of 80s commercials, there's a spot for Suncheros chips from Keebler. For some ungodly reason, I have this jingle embedded in my brain to the point that "pequeños Keebleros" is among the only Spanish I know.

Sad, really.

Patrick Swayze, RIP

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:29:46 PDT

While I imagine other folks are sharing clips from "Dirty Dancing," "Donnie Darko," "Red Dawn," "Ghost," or one of a kajillion movies Patrick Swayze made during his too-short lifetime, how many are sharing a clip from "Skatetown USA."

Oedipus wrecks

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 00:08:08 PDT

Much as "Plan 9 From Outer Space" gets pegged as "The worst movie ever made," there's a little show that (unfairly, in my opinion) makes the tops of the "worst TV shows ever made" list.

That's not to say this is up there with "Mary Tyler Moore" or "M.A.S.H."

This show features everyday schlub Dave Crabtree, who, while looking for a family car on a used car lot, stumbles across a 1928 Porter. This beater of a car just happens to be (you should probably sit down for this, especially if you took some Nyquil) his reincarnated mother who communicates to him through the car radio.

Yes, it's "My Mother the Car," starring future Big Lots pitchman Jerry van Dyke (okay, he was on "Coach," too) as beleaguered Dave Crabtree, and Ann Sothern as the voice of Dave's mother.

Now aside from dealing with reincarnation as a given--the theme song even starts with "Everybody knows in the second life, we all come back sooner or later."--this was essentially "Mr. Ed" with wheels.

But if you stop to think for a few seconds, which is something that often gets me into trouble, you'll realize how creepy the show's premise is. I'll wait for you.

::checks watch::

See what I mean? Okay, so this grown man is riding around in his mom. Is this supposed to symbolize returning to the womb or something? It's different this time, though, because he's the one in control. This is getting creepier already.

I haven't watched every episode yet, but I'm hoping they had the sense to avoid any prolonged scenes of Dave filling her up at the gas station.

God, I think I need a shower after that. And I didn't even approach the topic of farting in the car, especially when stuck in traffic. I don't do such things, of course, but I've heard about them.

Now that I've skeeved everyone out, I should mention that you can watch the entire series--all 30 episodes--on Hulu. I've taken the liberty of embedding a couple of episodes below.

In the first episode, the series' premise is laid out in checklist manner, even making sure to introduce a comic nemesis for Dave--in this case, the crazy car collector Captain Manzini, played by Avery Schreiber, who to me will always be the guy in the old Doritos commercials.

He wants the 1928 Porter for his collection. His schtick is that he never gets Dave's last name right. I don't know if this gag was ever funny, but I can't help but think it was already played out by the time this show hit the air.

In the second episode here, about midway through the series' run, Manzini is still after Dave's car, but this time he's threatening to shrink the car to the size of a toy if Dave doesn't sell it to him.

Now keep in mind, this isn't a horrible show; it's just not really that great. I've seen worse shows, that's for sure. But even if this is one of the worst shows ever, I'm happy to see it on Hulu so we can all make fun of it together.

Goodbye, productivity

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 23:58:34 PDT

Okay, Batman: Arkham Asylum is awesomesauce, and Guitar Hero 5 is pretty friggin' cool, too. Next week, Beatles: Rock Band comes out, and a week after that (I think), Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 comes out.

Where does one go to secure a sugar daddy or mommy?

Nerdgasm

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 18:15:00 PDT

Okay, I may have mentioned this before, but 30 years ago, there was a show on NBC called "Whodunnit?", which was a murder-mystery game show.

I remember seeing just a bit of the show--at the time, I was only 4. The part I remembered was Erik Estrada playing a singer who is electrocuted by his microphone and the incredibly cheesy effect used for the electrocution.

If you skip to about 2:30 in the video below, you'll see the few seconds of footage that has been embedded in my brain for the last three decades.

Now that I've seen it again, hopefully that will open up a little portion of brain that I can use to remember something important, like my kids' birthdays, my cell phone number, or the theme song to "Tic Tac Dough."

Summer vacation is almost over

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Sparkman) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 16:05:15 PDT

My unplanned blogging sabbatical is almost at an end. Stay tuned.