Silhouette of You

Fell off the earth

2009-10-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

So most of you are probably wondering what's next. I know it's been forever. Its amazing as I have been trying to get back up to the speed of life how overwhelming it all is. I promised some people I would try to update everyone a little better again so here goes. I am back at work full-time which is awesome. Amazing how you can actually miss working but i did. For the most part I am feeling good, Been battling a bit of pneumonia the past 2 weeks. For most people this would seem like a huge deal but to honest we were just happy it was pneumonia and not the big C. I have my Check-up Pet Scan today which we are all praying should show nothing but the pneumonia. Been still battling a bit of cough and fatigue from the BCNU affects on my lungs. Some what frustrating but not unexpected i guess. Just makes some days really hard to breath. I am finally getting to my studio projects too. One of my goals or discussion with God was using my talents in music more when i was healthy. I am currently trying to promote and build up a permanent space to setup the studio. Having a lot of fun so far. One of the ideas in the long run would be to go into places like St. Jude and offer to record and teach kids music. I certainly know how much i wish i had something like that to distract me in the hospital and I'm sure most would love the opportunity. So pray that idea can be developed some more and i get healthy enough to be around sick kids to do it. Lakeside Orangevale is chugging along. It took me a bit to get back into playing and leading but the last few weeks that i have lead have been awesome. I really believe people are starting to catch the excitement i have for worship, but we always have room for growth. Even have some of my own music i am preparing to share with so i hope people will appreciate it. I wrote a lot of thoughts down in the hospital but haven't, until now, started piecing them together. I just want to be honest in my words and worship that God is not only putting on me now but at the time of crisis. I think people will be interested in those thoughts. I even spoke already at another local church, Fair Oaks Presbyterian, where i went to high school and college group and lead for so long. People were very interested to hear my story and where God has taken me over the past 3 years. Got some great feedback from people, so who knows maybe I'll start actually teaching or preaching or at least doing some motivational speaking again. Been awhile since I've actually preached, but it was exciting sharing what is on my heart. So thats it. Please keep praying for health and I will try to update as best as possible so people don't think i've just died or disappeared. I'm joking of course but someone actually asked so you know how rumors get started. Appreciate and love everyone for the support. See ya

Check out my new site for the studio and pass the word if you know anyone interested in getting recording done.

http://www.purevolume.com/HolidayRecordings

Update

2009-07-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

So I know it's been awhile. I've been very busy finally with life. This is a blessing though not a bad thing. I thought i should drop a line to let everyone know though that we had some amazing news. I had my first pet scan since finishing the radiation treatment, which was not fun at all. The scan not only was clear but was reviewed by a lady that is normally quite a stickler. If there's something there even in the faintest she will call it out. Only a couple little spots in my upper chest are showing but not hot and these are believed to be scarring from the pneumonia and stem cell chemotherapy treatments. So I am in remission and cleared for the time being. Energy is still a bit low but it's not stopping me from trying to exhaust myself living again. Its very exciting and I am just trying to enjoy every moment. Getting my recording stuff setup to do some recording for other people and also in the process of finally recording ideas for a new album and a new band. That's a very exciting prospect for me i think. To know i could get back to playing shows and stuff like i would like too. So thats it. Great news and keeping busy. Getting back to leading worship almost every week now, so that's exciting too to see what can happen in Orangevale when i actually have some energy. I will try to be better about updating you about the music and everything we are working on. This whole life thing is sort of fun, can't wait to have more energy. Thanks for reading and all the support still. See ya

Normal Life

2009-04-27T23:53:00.001-07:00

So i'm starting to feel normal again for the first time in a long time. Sort of weird. I got in some part-time hours last week and I'm trying to get to as close to a full week in this week. It's just odd. When you learn to live dreading the next test it's kind of odd to think this could be over, at least for awhile. It's still a great feeling though. Probably most excited to be able to work out and play some golf and not feel like sleeping all day. Amazing how the world passes you by when all you can think about is waking up to eat and going back to bed. Not that, that wasn't important in the recovery it was just very frustrating to feel like i was getting better. But now everyday seems to be better and stronger. Although i am amazingly weak. I am attempted sit-ups tonight and failed miserably. Guess that's gonna take some time. but I'm excited to throw myself back into life, even if it only ends up being for a year or two before we have to try something else. I obviously pray it's not and believe after all this I have so much to share it's time to get moving. Gonna get to lead worship in a few weeks which is always awesome. Even on weeks when i am dragging to get setup by the time people are singing and worshipping it's worth every moment of the practices and setup. Hopefully the radiation shouldn't keep me from getting back to singing too long. The side effects seem not wonderful but compared to the last 3 months i say bring it on. So here i am ready to jump off a cliff back into my so called life. I think the one thing i most want to hold onto and not forget is how much i long to do something amazing. Something that transforms or effects people. I have seen already the love and compassion from people that comes by first thinking of others and i can only hope that somehow my life will be worth such sacrifices. Not that i don't long for normalcy again, but i am setting myself to be committed to changing people's lives, whatever that influence is. If it's sharing my story from my cubicle at work or traveling the world, i think God has a plan. I know He does. I just don't want to get in the way of that. Keep praying for strength and my radiation which starts up in a week. I have some reservations but I do trust my Dr that this is the right thing to do at this point. Pray if it's not that it's obvious. God certainly has answered that prayer before. See ya

really important

2009-04-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

haha got you. no actually some of the greatest news i have heard in awhile besides my remission. MEWITHOUTYOU has a new album coming out may 19th. Ok so i'm crazy but it's the little things that sometimes are easiest to get excited about it. Most of you have no idea who they are and if you do you may hate them, but their lyrics have spoken to me probably the most of any other band and other people or things i've read over the last few years so give them a listen or at least read some lyrics. You'll be excited too, hopefully. that is all.

Afraid to post

2009-04-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

It seems like every time i do an update something changes. So i've been a bit slow in blogging this, but. I'M in REMISSION. At least that's the consensus at this point. Houston unfortunately can't continue with their type of treatment until I show proof of disease. Not that I am bummed to not have Cancer. The reality of it all is that relapse in my case is pretty high for the next year or two. So now we are back to radiation here in Sacramento. The chance of relapse after radiation becomes more like 3 to 5 years and in some cases never. So obviously that's what we are praying for. It's a little weird to be sort of done though. You think about it but now that i am at that point at least for awhile it's somewhat overwhelming. I am going to be trying to go back to work and hopefully playing again sometime soon. The last couple days have been probably the best i have felt since at least thanksgiving. Really excited to work out and try to play golf with all this great weather. So that's what is happening for now. I start radiation in a week and half. Not really worried about the side effects though compared to everything i have done so far. Almost seems like a cake walk compared to the stem cell when they talk about it. So we will see i guess. Houston was good and bad. Good news about remission but i am sure some of you heard i was put in the hospital for pneumonia and breathing problems. Seems to be clearing up so far, now i'm back to just dealing with side effects of the stem cell. Slow progress but at least finally some progress. Guess that's it. Great news, just need it to stay that way. Thanks again for all the support and prayers to get us this far. Keep praying this is it and maybe a little radiation i will never have to be stabbed and subjected to toxic drugs again.

The anticipation is killing me

2009-04-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

So now that this Houston thing is a go it's driving me crazy just waiting. I feel very good about this treatment. All along its seemed almost too easy too get to Houston. What I mean is we had looked into some other treatments centers over the past year for a few trial type drugs but nothing ever materialized. Then the moment we read about going to Md Anderson both Rosemary and I felt excited about the possibility. It seemed like over night people were excited too and wanted to know how to help. To raise over $40,000, which is the new total already, in just 2 months seemed absurd. Not that I wasn't excited by the talk of donations, I just had no idea people's level of generosity. Now we are less than a week from beginning the initial testing and could be on treatment as soon as the week of the 20th. Just amazing. I know i blogged before about how God seems to work in my life. He gives me doors open to walk though and it's my decision to peek inside. Other times he slams the door in my face leaving me questioning what's next. But later it always makes sense. Music has been like that. Jobs have been like that. Leading worship has even been like that. When i left 1830 and the worship service i lead for quite awhile and had come to love, I didn't understand some of the changes God was making. But leaving turned out to be only months before starting to get sick. Ultimately I would have had to leave. I don't know why God allows the things to happen in my life this way but it makes it obvious and clear when a really important decision is at hand. Instead of planning everything out which never goes to plan, we are walking in faith that this is the place and treatment we have been waiting all along. Even if it took all this time to get there. I know the maturing i have had in the last 3 years could have never been learned another way. Thank you for being a part of that.

Houston here we come.

2009-03-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

Well its finally here. We will traveling to Houston next week to begin the testing for the amazing treatment that MD Anderson has to offer. We talked a little with the doctor and she confirmed what we had heard which is great success with odd cases like my own where remission has been hard to get with traditional chemotherapy. We wanted to say thanks to everyone who has contributed to the fund to help us pay for next week. Thanks to everyone who contributed we have over $37,000 to help pay for the initial testing. I would have never believed we could raise almost the entire 41k in just 2 months. thanks so much. Continue to pray for Rosemary and I as we travel to Houston that this will be our last treatment that i need. I feel very confident that we are close to finally beating this horrible disease. See ya and thanks again.

Plans are always changing

2009-03-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

Over the past 2 years i have learned that while its ok to make plans i should never expect them to actually go perfectly to plan. As of today we have a plan for radiation and our first visit to Houston. I will be getting another pet scan this monday which has become a sort of dreaded place to go. If it's good news we always have to temper that since every time its been followed by bad news. Then tuesday i will see Davis and be allowed to finally be in public again and they are taking out the last borg implant for now. Then thursday i will have my radiation walk-thru where they create a template for me to lay in while they shoot the radiation so they can be very accurate about where the radiation goes. Then the following wednesday while waiting for the radiation planning and all that to happen we will visit MD Anderson for an initial visit to get there opinion on what i should do next, or what type of therapy's they offer that we can not receive here locally. Hopefully if all goes to plan i would start radiation the following week. My radiation is 25 times so it will be everyday for 5 weeks straight. The side effects for the first few weeks are supposed to be minimal but the last few i might have some almost sun burn type conditions on my skin and i might have sore throat and stuff since they will be shooting radiation in my throat where the Hodgkin's has shown up multiple times. So that's the plan but could change. I pray it doesn't. This is the soonest everything could happen and I don't need any more delays after all the delays i have had the past 2 years. I don't want there to be any more time for the growth to accelerate again. still stuck here until after next tuesday. can't wait to get back over to church to say hi and thanks for the support and maybe even try to play sometime during my radiation if i am not too beat up and you'll have me. thanks again for all the continuing support and prayers. I am getting there, just slowly.

stuck here

2009-03-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

So because my body is still so worn down and susceptible to getting sick, i basically can't leave the house for at least a month past my transplant. If i do i have to wear a mask anytime i am indoors and i am supposed to stay away from any large group of people. Hopefully that will be over soon. We met with Davis already and my bloodwork looked great. That's good news that i am recovering fast as always. They are planning on having me start radiation as soon as 2 weeks from now. Our hope is that we can do the radiation for a few weeks and then right around the time i am finally ready or able to start traveling or being around crowds then we can go to Houston to visit MD Anderson. We are very excited to see what different therapy's MD Anderson can offer. One of the things they are doing is working to create a vaccine for each individual patient so the cancer does not come back. They are also working to create better ways for your own immune system to actually target the cancer. Rosemary read something that the average person fights cancer at least 3 times, i think was the number, during there lifetime. Most people's immune systems are able to recognize and destroy the cancer. In my case my system was not able to. The hope is that in doing the transplant my system sort of was rebooted. Almost like pulling the plug on your computer when it's just not running right. That's why they had to take me to the brink of dying as far as my immune system goes and then brought everything back with new stem cells. But on top of the transplant we would like to further that by some of the treatments MD Anderson offers that no one else in the area is working on at this point. Still having some side effects from all the drugs. My entire body is still a bit shaky and especially my hands are numb. It's been two weeks as of today since i have had the morphine so i hope soon that, that wears off and takes care of the problem. Also having weird pain in my feet. It could be walking more since being home and another thought was that all the nervous anxious tapping i have been doing coming off the morphine might have made my feet sore. It will be awhile until i am not bruising and getting tired or sore from just about everything i do. So there's a couple things to keep praying about. Other than that Just trying to relax and rest so i get ready sooner to get moving. Can't wait in two weeks to have the pic in my arm pulled out. Might be able to go swing a golf club finally again in a couple weeks. That would sure put a smile on my face. See ya

home at last

2009-02-26T10:33:00.000-08:00

well i am finally home. I actually got home tuesday afternoon. still a lot of recovery to do. I am totally exhausted still and very weak. even opening a simple bottle or carrying a plate of food is a chore. I am also still having very strong withdrawal symptoms from all the drugs they had me on in the hospital. I just don't seem to do well with the pain killers in particular. On one of my other trips it took me almost 2 weeks to stop shaking and feeling outside my body. i am having similar symptoms this time i think form the morphine they had me. sort of a pins and needles feeling constantly plus its almost like i can hear the blood coursing through my body. very weird feeling. I am excited today though because i turned on the tv and spring training baseball is on. its a nice feeling to know that spring is almost here and maybe i'll be able to get outside and enjoy it soon. thanks for the continued thoughts. If you want some specifics to pray for, pray this withdrawal stuff goes away soon, especially the inability to sleep, as the insomnia is pretty bad. I am also still battling a bit of a cold so pray that, that goes away soon and doesn't find a food hold while my body is still trying to recover. Can't wait to see you all again maybe a week or so and i'll be ready. To all my Lakeside Orangevale family i hope to join you soon, maybe even play a song or two and worship with you. See ya.

The Adventures of Bubble Boy (day 20)

2009-02-23T09:34:00.000-08:00

The last nine days has felt like hell. The last time i wrote my counts were just on the fall. By day 13 my immune system was completely zero. There is a number for this called anc or absolute neutrophil count. Mine anc on day 13 was zero which meant i was now as susceptible as ever to disease or sickness. So i just laid there. My mouth had been completely destroyed by this point and become a huge source of pain. I was like having the worst part of a flu except extended over a week long duration. The last couple days have been a little different. as my counts came back certain things have gotten better. my mouth seems to be returning and i have been ale to actually eat the last 2 days. on weird thing is the shakiness i am having. I believe i am having withdrawals from the morphine they had me on for a couple weeks straight. i believe this is what is causing the shakiness and on edge feeling i have because having come off diluadid before, a similar drug, the feeling are the same. Hopefully soon though i will be out of here. they are supposed to be pulling the line out of my chest this afternoon. they may have to add a smaller catheter in my arm for a few days so i can still continue getting some iv antibiotics which are much stronger than the pill form. apparently they will send nurses to the house each day to give the iv and and check up on me. this last iv is a very strong antibiotic i have been on the whole time that should hold of anything still trying to fight inside. the doctors think that the chest line i have in might actually be causing much of the leftover infection. Once that is removed hopefully my body can finally try heal up completely. hopefully this will all take place today and i will either go home tonight or tomorrow. not sure if i can do this whole thing again for a analogous transplant. I am praying that God has finally taken this burden and weight from me. i am very excited though to try to get healthy enough to go see MD Anderson. they are able to do traditional treatments too in case we want to do radiation or whatever. I struggled with God like Jacob in the desert asking for a blessing that i did not deserve. I love that story because jacob keeps fighting and even after being injured he stills holds on the man he wrestles. Jacob even says i will not let go until you bless me. at that the man asks his name. he says Jacob and the man says his name is Israel for he wrestled and overcame. Israel calls the place Peniel because he has seen God face to face. I have that struggle the past 3 weeks. arguing pleading with God that i am to tired to go on and need a blessing. i believe he has. dont know what that will hold but i want it to start today. i want to scream from the mountain tops that God has saved me. i want to sing day and night of the healing which is only in him. this is to be my lifes creed.

The Adventures of Bubble Boy (day 11)

2009-02-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

I can't imagine committing a crime. Not that am thinking of doing so. Being locked into one room for 24 hours a day is just not right. The last couple of days and the next couple of days are the most crucial in the healing process. At this point my White blood cell count is literally at zero. That means as little contact as possible with the outside world and basically i have to just sit here. Not that i have the energy to do much else. It's a very interesting test in the strength of your mind. I have come to some peace about a lot of it though. I'm just giving myself the goal of making to the next meal and then sleeping. I have prayed constantly that God get me through this just safe and unharmed. I realize i will have to suffer the pain and frustration that goes with the transplant no matter what, but I do know God has protected me so far, and i thank everyone for praying the same. I absolutely am floored by the generosity and thoughts and giving of complete strangers. I have no words to thank people for giving to our trip to Houston. Rosemary and I are convinced that obviously there is a reason why we should be preparing to go there. I have always felt that the way God speaks to me is by either opening or closing a door. The answer always seem to be pretty clear that way. I have no idea what Houston could hold. I could be cured and go on to work a normal life again. I could end up on the other side of the world. At this point i don't care. I just know i am willing to go all out. No matter how big or small my life maybe. So thank you. I can't imagine how to repay everyone but i will certainly try by how i live here forward.

the Adventures of Bubble Boy (day 9)

2009-02-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

Wow nine days. Now really begins the waiting game. For the next week i just have to sit here while my blood counts and body fall apart and try to start over. One of the nurses told me it's like another birthday. The way this transplant works is as my old defenses die off and the new stem cells begin to grow, my body will try to recognize the cancer and actually fight back. I am exhausted. I am not really sure what i want to say here. My brain is finally coming back into focus but i also feel as scattered as ever. No one really sleeps in a hospital but i particularly have not slept since i have been here. I am wrestling with God every second of the day. I have always felt a purpose in my life that seemed so great, a calling that i could never fully explain. I have been in church my whole life and now feel like somehow i was never there. I remember being filled with the Holy Spirit for the first time and speaking in tongues freshman year and saying to God whatever you want is what i want. I feel like though i've spent my whole spiritual life knowing the book smarts but never knowing God. In the past few months i've figured this is all part of the plan i guess. Just follow the steps. For the first time I am beginning to realize if i ever want to do something for God i need to know Him. Not the basics of theology or how to play church. I need to know Christ. The passion i have to do something great must be a greater passion to know God. It's a rebirth. Just as the nurse had mentioned I want to start over. Amazingly I can. I am frustrated but focused. I realize this post is mostly just rambling but I just felt i needed people to know that i am trying to move forward. I realize there is nothing i can do to earn God's favor or mercy and for the first time it makes me hopeful. God is doing something so amazing with all you people who are helping out and offering to not only get through this stage but on to Texas. I have no clue what that means or why it seems to be happening so easily but as i wake this morning i am confident am i finally standing in the right direction.

The Adventures of Bubble Boy (day 3-4)

2009-02-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

Just laying here today. Last two days of treatment haven't gone too bad. I am getting enough medication to keep the nausea and sickness away. I can definitely feel the fatigue coming on though. Sort of just piles up day by day. I am currently getting two types of chemo twice a day. This is the third day with the 6th treatment tonight. Two more tomorrow and then another larger dose chemo that's completely new again on sunday. Then the transplant. I can't believe the response so far from everyone concerned. Certainly gives me hope to do something for everyone when this is done. Sorry I don't have much to say, very tired, thanks for the thoughts and prayers. A little something i wrote yesterday

patience is a virtue which i learned then threw away
there’s calmness and composure which left the first frantic phone call i got
diligence and endurance which lasted til my strength finally left me
forbearance is what i was born with but even it won’t keep me moving forever
heart and perseverance is what people say of me
but even they can’t get inside this head
resignation is the road i am now headed on and serenity is what i seek
tolerance is another i have come to know fully
yielding is what i have left.
But to yield is to stop for me. At least it would seem to be too much.
yield can be succumbing, suffering, handing over to defeat
but it can also be admitting, relinquishing, or submitting what little i have left
i control nothing

I know not where to look for wisdom
Job 28:23-28
23 God understands the way to it         and he alone knows where it dwells,
24 for he views the ends of the earth         and sees everything under the heavens.
25 When he established the force of the wind         and measured out the waters,
26 when he made a decree for the rain         and a path for the thunderstorm,
27 then he looked at wisdom and appraised it;         he confirmed it and tested it.
28 And he said to man,         'The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom,         and to shun evil is understanding.

covenenants aren’t meant to be broken but mine feels crushed
gladly i would sacrifice and walk through the blood
seems like i have but still ahead more

The Adventures of Bubble Boy (day 1-2)

2009-02-04T12:35:00.000-08:00

It's my second day locked away. Really my first full day with last night being my first night in. Had my first dose of chemo yesterday. I will be receiving chemo everyday for the first 6 days and then get my stem cells transplanted on the night of the 6 or 7th day. (for those with a weak stomach you may not want to read all of this, i will continue again after the next parenthesis) Yesterday's was supposed to be some of the worst. It was definitely not any fun. Made my head feel like i was having a power drill put through my temples, all while smelling it happen, and sucking on an aluminum can. Fortunately they gave me enough stuff not to puke, and to cover the pain they just kept shooting me up with morphine. Morphine is very interesting. It certainly works but it makes me feel very slow. I could think but could not say what was on the tip of my tongue. It doesn't last long though so by the time the chemo was done the drugs were gone. (You can start reading again) Second day I have had one dose already. This is another lower dose chemo which i get again this afternoon and on and off for the next five days. Not bad so far, i am sure it will all start to pile up and make me sleepy but for now I am somewhat coherent. The plan for now for those who haven't heard; i will have this transplant followed by radiation. Then we will look for a donor to do another stem cell transplant but with those stem cells and not my own, which is a stronger transplant but a riskier operation. Then we will probably follow that up by going to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston or another specialty cancer clinic to look at some diet and other new cutting edge treatments for cases like mine which have shown tough to beat. I wanted to say a quick thanks to everyone who is praying and offering help to us. There is to many to list so I am sorry i can't say thanks to everyone individually. I did want to say thanks to a couple people and inform people of some amazing things going on. My friends nathan and andrew have been heading up getting a trust setup for me to help with the medical bills and the cost of going to some of these specialty centers which are quite costly. They have set up a trust at Wells Fargo called "the stephen shirley medical fund" you will need to know Rosemary Shirley is the account holder if you wish to give. This is amazing. I can't ever say enough thank you's or even make up for the concern and giving people have poured out. It's amazes me the outpouring of even complete strangers to give and pray for someone hundreds and even thousands of miles away. I don't know how i will ever repay any of you. I only hope that when i do go into remission I can hopefully go onto something big enough and worthwhile enough with my life to confirm the faith everyone has put in God and my life. Thank you a million times over, I will continue to update when i am feeling awake and not too disconnected to write. See ya

I love Hospitals

2009-01-25T01:21:00.000-08:00

So Wednesday i was admitted to the hospital with some type of infection, which means of course i missed the stem cell transplant again this week. I have been running a fever now since last friday which just won't seem to go away. Unsure of what it was or what is causing it i spent up until saturday afternoon in the hospital being monitored and watched and given antibiotics around the clock. They also decided for good measure to put me back into surgery and remove the port i have in my chest in case this could be where the infection is at. Basically though i left having been poked, stabbed and hacked on with no real answer of what i have or why the fever is continuing. So Im back home hoping that whatever is going on will just finally pass. As far as the transplant goes, if we can get the fever under control we are supposed to start next thursday, but like always i am not holding my breath. So i am back home for a couple days to rest and get ready to go right back into another hospital. I can't tell you how much i loathe now the smell, sound, and general feeling of being in a hospital. It's become my life though so i guess i just have to learn ways of getting through it quicker each time. I can't wait to go hit a golf ball again and play guitar, until then i am left with too much time to plan my pinky and the brain world domination scheme. See ya

Yes I am still here

2009-01-18T17:52:00.000-08:00

So i realize i have been horrible about updating everyone. I have felt quite overwhelmed with all the stop and go news over the past few months so here's where we are at. The Stem call transplant had been put off until we could get the continuing growth to stop. Since just before Thanksgiving i have been on another high dose chemo which was certainly the toughest i have had yet. But the good news is the pet scan is as clear as ever so this thursday we are supposed to start. I have had a walk through and everything but of course with the way things have gone in the past i am always expectant of change. The last few treatments have left me quite exhausted and ready to be done with all this. Not that i ever wanted to continue before but honestly i feel i am done with chemo even if this doesn't work. My hearing has been greatly damaged with the last few treatments which we are praying is not permanent but i also know that it is a possibility. If you want to pray for something make it my ears. I could not imagine getting through all this and being healthy and never being able to play music or sing again, and the way i am hearing now would greatly affect that. It makes me once again wonder what God is doing. I believed over the past 2 years that maybe this would be my awesome testimony and through music, which i believe is one of greatest gifts from God, would somehow be even better having come through what i have. Now though not hearing makes me wonder if I am looking in the wrong direction again. I am confused. Is God doing something completely different or is He just waiting for the right moment to heal me and make my story that much more amazing? Thats all for now, a little update. I will let you know how this week goes and hopefully continue to write as much as possible while locked in my bubble. Not looking forward to it but I just have to take each day as it comes.

The Schedule is In

2008-11-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

So I realize it's been awhile, sorry. I finally have a better picture of everything happening and a hard schedule. We are finally going forward with the stem cell transplant. This means i have about 3 weeks of prep and testing to get ready. Basically i have to have another port put in my chest that will be large enough to get the stem cells out. Then all next week they will use a special dialysis type machine to take the stem cells from my blood. Two weeks after that on December 4th i will be admitted to the UC Davis Med center to have the transplant and a weeks worth of high dose chemotherapy. If all goes well I will get out on Christmas day and hopefully after a few weeks of recovery be back up and moving around. Obviously the hope is this will be the last round of chemo i have to do, ever. I'm not looking forward at all to my personal bubble time but if it does what it should i guess it will be worth it. It's somewhat frustrating though to think of other things we have done to this point that should have worked but haven't. So I guess i am fearful at least a bit that it could all be a waste. But I also know it's the best choice and the next thing to do in my treatment. If it does work though this could all be finally over, at least the chemo side of things. In other news the 66 Mustang is almost done. It's seems like we just bought it not that long ago. The things my Dad can do with a car is amazing. Its looks awesome and is going to drive even better. I'm going to put some pictures up on my flickr soon so you can go over and look at them. The new service at lakeside is going awesome so far too. It's great having a church community again that we can really belong to and believe in. It's just so nice for me to have an outlet for worship and music. I get so excited and hopeful leading people to worship. I have always believed that God was going to use me for some great purpose involving music. Now more than ever it's clear to me that, that's what I should be doing. Especially when playing music and leading worship has helped so much in getting through the past year. Ok so that's enough for tonight. Surgery tomorrow to give me more Borg plugs. See ya

On a Happier Note

2008-09-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

I had my Pet Scan yesterday. It was a little odd because at the end the tech showed me the picture. Now of course I am not an expert in this field but having had this scan now done at least 5 times, i believe, Rosemary and I have gotten to where we at least know what to look for. Based on all my past scans, this was the best scan yet. There is still the 3 smaller spots in my upper chest but it has never been as clear as this past scan. We will now some more information next tuesday when we see my oncologist and they have a chance to look over it and give there opinion, but this was a huge improvement. There are no more hot spots showing in dark black which means we are certainly on our way to improvement finally. Rosemary and I are very excited and Im especially excited to actually get to have a birthday this year instead of laying miserably in a hospital bed. So great news and we will know more next tuesday. Thanks again for all the prayers and thoughts, see ya.
PS I realize my Al Davis post was a bit harsh. But so was the news conference today were he fired the latest Raider coach. Throwing someone under the bus the way he did is just uncalled for and frustrating when you watch every game rooting for them to win, just to see the team shoot itself in the foot again and ruin another season even before it started. A complete shame

Dear Al Davis

2008-09-30T16:11:00.001-07:00

I hate you. Please die. You make me want to not only hate the raiders but completely stop watching football all together. Thanks a lot.

Frustration is rising

2008-09-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

So i am waiting to hear but it sounds like i will at least be doing another 6 weeks of my current treatment before we even go on to another treatment. Which means even if I do the stem cell treatment which is like 2 or 3 months being locked up, it won't be happening until at least late october early november. Just the thought of that much more treatment is daunting and frustrating. This latest chemo has been about the norm. Little bit of sickness and that puking feeling which at this point I am just used too. I've been able to muster my energy by sunday each time though to lead worship which has been awesome. At the very least it's such a great release to be leading worship with people and doing something i really love and believe in. We did an acoustic type of set this weekend which is always fun. I want to keep it interesting every week even though i would love to just play heavy and loud if I knew everyone liked it. Been helping to record my first album, not my own but someone else's. This will be the first time I have done an entire album recording and mixing completely on my own. I am very excited about how much better I have gotten just mixing some of my own music and few other peoples singles and ep's. I would love to get a small studio going when all this garbage is done to help some smaller bands get albums done, and maybe other worship leaders wanting to do worship albums. Anyway just laying here on the couch and probably will be for the next couple of days still. Hope all is well with everyone. Thanks for the prayers and thoughts which i know is helping. God has certainly provided for every need even when we weren't sure how things were going to work.

Worship thoughts

2008-09-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

I was reading some other blogs I like and through following some links seemed to notice a reoccurring theme among worship leaders and people involved in worship gatherings. There's something missing or at least lacking. One of the bloggers asked the question is worship through music still a legitimate way to worship. I say yes. Without question music has always played a part in worship. Not just in the Church since Christ but even in the Old Testament there were psalms, and spiritual songs to be sung. This part of the discussion is not really an issue for me, because the precedence is there. This is not to say that we may be able to add other forms of expression into our worship. Ways to practice the words we sing or at least take the scripture more to heart. The power of corporate singing is to me an important part of our experience as a community with God. For me the issue is the words. Now once again please read this knowing this is my own opinion which means not everyone will agree and I guess I wonder if anyone else feels the same way. The words in many of our modern hymns are just lacking and as I write my own music I am struggling with a major issue. How do I make the words authentic? What I mean is do we mean the things we sing. One of my new favorite shows is "Flight of the Conchords" which if you have never seen you need to watch. There is a scene in which the one character Bret is writing a song to his girlfriend about all the extravagant things he would do for her, like climb a mountain or swallow a sword. After a two hour opus it concludes with his mate Jermaine asking if he would actually do any of the crazy things he has just promised in the song. Bret realizes he wouldn't and Jermaine tells him to write a song with things he would actually do, like hang out with her or make dinner. I wonder how many of our worship songs are the same. I struggle in my writing to come up with lyrics that are reality. I am going to be as honest and real as I can here. I love God, and I love Christ for His sacrifice on the cross. I would consider my faith to not be in question at all. But there are many times in life where I am not just saying your awesome God, everything is perfect. It's just not reality. There are many times where, especially in the last two years, I have been screaming to the heavens for God to listen. There are other times were I have just marveled at the plan of God and almost laughed at how as soon as I let go of things, the things I have wished for have come to be. All this is too say I am afraid. I'm afraid that if i write a song of struggle or weakness people will not respond. I want to sing songs to God that are real. Things I would actually do. The way I really feel. Sometimes ecstatic for His love and other times struggling to see His hand. If I do will anyone sing along?

Bad Blogger

2008-09-06T00:28:00.000-07:00

So i've been really bad about blogging. The new Lakeside plant in Orangevale is starting up this week. We have been doing sort of practice weeks the last two weeks to make sure everything is working right. Lots of equipment and people finding jobs and places to help. It's gone awesome so far. We have some great people who have stepped up to make things happen. Even on this chemo with my chemo on mondays I've had the energy to lead which has been not only fun but a major relief and release for me. In fact I would call it somewhat healing. I don't know what it is about music and worship for me but it's so powerful. Music just seems to flow from my brain. Not that I am creating it all the time but at least thinking about it. I feel like I am just rambling now. Anyway I say all this to say I know why I am here. It's seems somewhat egotistical or something, not sure what to call it but I feel like I know my purpose. I have always felt like I was supposed to reach people with music in some crazy or huge way. Now more than ever I feel like that purpose is right on. I don't want to sound too over dramatical but we never really know how long we have on this earth. I know I love to do two things in this world, be with Rosemary and lead people in worship. I certainly plan on dedicating my life to to those two things for here on out, even if only Rosemary and God are listening.

The music is flowing

2008-08-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

Just before going into more chemo the music seemed to be flowing. Not sure why but for me when i start writing it comes in bunches. Sitting in the chair on monday i finished as many of the lyrics as i could. I was amazed how quickly once again my body has bounced back from all the garbage they continue to put into me. I am certainly exhausted but not feeling as close to puking as I expected. Tonight I was feeling well enough to continue writing and the music just keeps on coming. Andrew and I have decided to try to track a few of my more folky sounding songs sometimes soon, so maybe i can have something to put online again. The way i am feeling tonight i am certainly thinking i should be able to lead Lakeside Orangevale and our opening weekend, which is quite exciting. Especially if i do end up in the bubble after all this. I would love to at least be there for the first month or two as we get going. Anyway i am just here at home resting, i have another treatment next monday so it's all rest until then, or at least as much rest as i can stand. I get so antsy sitting and waiting between treatments when it seems like i have so many more to come. I will leave you with few lines from one of the new songs I'm working on.

The colors that You wore
are the price that I could never repay
I am not worthy of this King
Yet you love me always

Your forever, forever faithful, in spite of me
Your forever, ever unwavering, in spite of me

More Chemo?

2008-08-13T00:16:00.000-07:00

So the "new" plan is more chemo. Apparently this time a little different. They will also be trying something a little experimental. Nothing that's harmful or untested but a drug used on other types of cancer not typically Hodgkin's. But since for some reason my Hodgkin's has a certain B-Cell which this drug attacks, we are going to try it. Following that if it works would possibly be the stem cell treatment still. I am certainly not looking forward to that but we first have to get there. My recovery from surgery and my rib removal is coming along well. I am thinking about 2 or three weeks i should be able to get full movement back without major pain. I was able to shut a car door today without pain which amazingly was impossible just saturday. It makes me laugh when I think of the little victory's i cheer for. Been watching lots of Olympics since i can't do too much. Pretty crazy what Phelps is doing. Watching some of the athletes and what they go through to get themselves in shape certainly is inspiring. Not that i could ever become an Olympian but i would love to get back into shape at least once all this garbage is done with. I am excited the Lakeside Orangevale services are starting soon. I am going to try to lead as many as possible between treatments. Hopefully these will be easier than the last one's spent in the hospital. My Dad has been working hard on the mustang, i have been able to get over a couple of times to help. We have the motor in and mostly together. It's almost time to start with body work. Hopefully i can get some pictures up soon. Thanks for the continued support, see ya.