Silly How To´s

HowTo:Be a forum administrator

2007-04-17T04:46:00.000-07:00

So, you have decided that you want to be a figure of authority over other people; you have created your own forum! You have decided that because you are the administrator of a forum, people should start respecting you! (even though you probably have never respected anyone in your life, you ungrateful git) But you have come across a dillemma: You have installed the software, but you have no idea what to do! Well, you're in luck, you have this lovely guide to help you!

Step One: Polishing the forum

* Try changing the names of the forums. Think of one of your friends. Now, would they be interested in discussing matters related to 'Test Forum Number 1'? No? That's what I thought. Yes? Well, you have sucky friends.

* Try making the forums a topic that other people can discuss and relate to. A forum about 'The Sexyness of the Admin' is probably not going to be met with open arms.

Tip

Alternatively, you could just find some people that are interested in the subject of your forum, and start slowly building the community from there. But hey, what's the fun in that?

The key to the start of the running of a good forum is for the administrator to pretend that the forum is already an established community! Here are some tips:

* Make multiple accounts, and start discussing topics with yourself! That way if some gullible person joins the community, he will think that there are already multiple people on the forum posting away! Little does he know that it is all the schemings of one person with nothing else to do!

* Even better: save the trouble of logging in and out, and discuss topics with yourself under the same account! You will get a waterfall of users registering on your forum if you use this method!

Step Three: The Publicity

* Post links to your forums everywhere! Log onto MSN, and constantly send links to everyone on your contacts list! Keep on doing this until they join! (Note: You may notice a lack of people online on your contacts list, but don't worry, they haven't blocked you, I'm sure their internet is down - forever!)

* Go onto online newsgroups and spam links to your forum there! You'll get even more members if you post in newsgroups unrelated to the topic of your forum! Have you been mysteriously disallowed access or denied entry into the newsgroup? Don't worry, they haven't banned you, they've just shut down their mailing list so they can all move onto your forum and flood your board with lovely posts: they love you!

* Try publicising in the outside world! I'm sure the mayor will love that spray-painted link to your forum that you put on the front windshield of his car!

* Out of money for birthday gifts for friends? Make him an account on your forum, and give him one year without paying! (He won't return your calls, write to you or ever see you again because he's busy posting on your forum.)

Now you know how to be a forum administrator.

How to cook while drunk

2007-04-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's three in the morning. You've been in the pub since lunchtime. You just spent five minutes trying to unlock your front door before you realized you were using your car keys. You finally stumble in, reeking of Auld Tay Bridge Scotch. You know you should drink some water, then go straight to bed. But you're hungry.

Celebrity chef Keith Floyd makes a very respectable living by cooking while drunk. Wipe from your mind all thoughts of emulating his success.
Time to hit the kitchen!

Preparations Hygiene

Tip: Silicone rolling pins are more hygienic, easier to clean and longer lasting than wooden ones. They also hurt a lot less.Silicone rolling pins are more hygienic, easier to clean and longer lasting than wooden ones. They also hurt a lot less.

Remember: with cooking, the most important thing is hygiene. So before you begin, stumble into the bathroom. Then pick up a bar of soap and stare at it for about thirty seconds while rocking backwards and forwards. Try to remember why the fuck you are in your bathroom holding a bar of soap. Leave bathroom.

Enter the Kitchen

You now need to find the kitchen. Think hard, you must have left it around here somewhere. Stumble in its general direction, placing your hand against the wall. This will help support you and maybe if you're lucky you'll find a lightswitch as well. Light could help at this point. If things are rotating, try rotating in the opposite direction to make them stay still. After entering the kitchen, turn on the light and stare blankly. After a minute or two, realize that this is not the kitchen, unless you recently put a bed in the middle of your kitchen. A bed which seems to be occupied. By a woman. If you can call that a woman. Man, whoever dragged that skank home at closing time is going to be seriously traumatized when he rolls over and sees her tomorrow morning. Keep stumbling from room to room until you find the kitchen.
Care in the Kitchen
If you are single, you can skip this. If you are married, you need to remember that loud noises in the kitchen could wake your spouse, and you're in no condition to try to win an argument with anyone sober. So it's important to move with exaggerated caution whilst inadvertently making loud noises anyway, in order to preserve the precarious delusion that you're being considerate.
Now you're ready to begin.
Recipes
Soy cheese on Burnt Toast
Get some bread. Uh-oh, someone bought unsliced bread. Try to find bread knife. Fail. Find electric carving knife. Wrap knife in tea towel to muffle it. Cut two rough slices of bread, approx 2mm thick at one end, four centimeters at the other. Put bread in toaster. Try harder. Shit. Well maybe if you put the thin end in first. Yeah, that did it.
While the bread is toasting, get some cheese from the fridge. Fuck. None there. Never mind, there's that soy cheese that your spouse's irritating vegan cousin brought along to the picnic that time, but no one ate it. Find cheese knife. Well, just use the foil-cutter on your bottle-opener. Slice soy cheese. Is soy cheese the same as tofu? I mean what can the difference be? Does it even melt? Never mind - you smell burning, so the toast must be done.
Place unevenly burnt toast on griller, or the broiler if you're American, then place soy cheese on top. Melt soy cheese, assuming soy cheese actually melts. Drop grill (or broiler) on floor, waking your spouse. Suffer consequences.

Huge Sandwich
Open fridge, and lean on door while contemplating contents. Continue for up to ten minutes. Decide that you'd like a huge sandwich like Scooby Doo or Dagwood Bumstead always has. Look for baguette, fail to find one. Use frozen garlic loaf instead. Cut length ways. Look in horror as bits of frozen garlic bread go everywhere. Painstakingly reassemble bits using toothpicks. Now we're in business! or Dagwood Bumstead always has. Look for baguette, fail to find one. Use frozen garlic loaf instead. Cut length ways. Look in horror as bits of frozen garlic bread go everywhere. Painstakingly reassemble bits using toothpicks. Now we're in business!
Assemble filling - some lettuce leaves, some pastrami, some hot sauce, some pickles, some tomato slices... uh oh. Is that red stuff on the chopping board tomato juice, or did you cut yourself? You don't feel any pain, but you're pretty well anesthetized... never mind, if you get some blood on your sandwich it's just extra protein, isn't it? Or vitamin D or whatever blood is made of. Where were you? Oh, yeah, cold chicken, mayo, bok choy, hummus... wow, everything looks kind of funny... mango salsa, salami... like kind of monochrome, you know, all black and white and your ears are ringing and...

Cake

Cheap instant cake (drunk chef's impression)
Preheat oven to whatever seems appropriate. Get packet of cake mix. Try to focus on instructions on packet of cake mix. Hold a hand over one eye, so you stop seeing double. Ah! There you go. Gather ingredients. Realize that you don't have butter, decide that mashed potatoes has similar consistency. Realize that you have no milk, use beer. Realize you have no eggs, improvise egg substitute from wheat-bix soaked in milk. Shit. Looks like you did have milk, after all. Too late now. Attempt to grease a 30cm (12 in.) cake tin. Remember that you have no butter. Grease tin with garlic flavored stir-fry spray. Mix ingredients in what you hope is a bowl, then pour batter into tin. Cook until bored. Eat immediately, regret soon after.

Two Types of Leftovers
Right, you've learned from your mistakes. No more complicated meals. Just have that leftover pizza. Or maybe that Chinese takeaway. The pizza looks kind of inviting... but it's just plain cheese, and you want something spicier... hey, wait a minute, why not, like, put the chow mien on top of the pizza, and put it in the microwave?
Mmm... not bad, but it needs a little something... got it! Potato salad! But wait, the potato salad is cold. You could put it on top of the pizza-mien and microwave it, but then the chow mein will be too hot and the pizza base will go soggy. You'd better fry the potato salad separately. Crap, where's the fry pan? Oh, well, you can always use that pressure cooker you got as a wedding present and never used.
Place potato salad in pressure cooker and place on high heat. Get bored, and finally forget about the potatoes. Finish chow mein pizza, which is now cold. Go to bed. Awake early next morning to sounds of spousal screaming coming from kitchen. Hide under pillows. Await inevitable.
Cheese and Mushroom Omelet

Omelet, omelet, omelet, omelet, omelet, omelet, omelet, omelet, mushroom, mushroom
Break three eggs into mixing bowl, miraculously not getting any eggshell in the mix. Add a dash of milk, pepper and herbs to taste. Do not add salt to uncooked eggs, as this can make them tough. Beat eggs until light and fluffy. Slice 4-5 medium mushrooms. Heat a tablespoon of butter or margarine in a frying pan or skillet, then fry mushrooms until brown. Remove mushrooms from butter.
Turn down heat and add egg mixture, occasionally lifting edges with a spatula. When nearly cooked through, place mushrooms and cheese on top. Put under a hot grill, until cheese has melted. When cooked, fold over and turn onto a plate. Marvel at how well the omelette has turned out, even though you're hammered. Take omelet to TV room and sit down in favorite chair. Remember that you left your drink in the kitchen. Balance plate on armrest of chair while you get your drink. Return with drink, and sit down, overturning the omelette into the chair. Contemplate hot cheese congealing on your best trousers. Sob uncontrollably.

Cleaning Up
Don't. It will just make matters worse. Just make a note to buy flowers on your way home from work tomorrow hope that your spouse... HOLY SHIT! WORK! You're due at the office in three hours! Waaaaaaaah! ! AAH! AAH!

HowTo: Avoid Rugby

2007-04-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, you know it, tomorrow you have very high chances of getting your ass kicked. This is because you have to go to rugby training and you pretty much suck. Every rugby player on earth hates you, in fact, even when playing against another school most of the asskicking you recieve is performed by your fellow teammates. Well, don't you worry you little defenseless creature, you came to the right place! What? No, of course I won't give you a heavy machine gun, leave aside a katana or any other sword for that matter (although that would be funnier). Instead I will give you knowledge forged by years of mandatory rugby training, please read on.

Conventional Methods

The Conventional Methods are very useful, apart from being conventional, which is their main characteristic. These will guarantee a happy rugby-bruises-free year and some free iPods. Yes, iPods! I will also add this valuable lesson a free iPod, I'll give you the url later, now concentrate on our lesson here.

Stuff you already know

Well, don’t be such a wimp. How many times were you beaten to (almost) death only because you don’t have the guts to do something slightly naughty? Just grab a medical prescription, photocopy it and write tons of excuses over the photocopied versions and photocopy them again. Or threaten your mother with a gun and make her write you notes everyday. Be creative. Pretend to be sick. Ran away from home, or learn how to skip school, or dress like a girl, whatever it takes!

No-Hands Technique

The No-Hands Technique was created as a last resort thingy. Many times, despite how hard you try to suck at it, the coach will eventually send you out there and make you play. By no means think you are fit to confront those huge steroids-fed beasts only because your mom secretly "talked" to the principal and complained about you never playing in the school's team. Instead, memorize the basic principles of the No-Hands.

Basic principles of the No-Hands Technique

* NEVER Never never touch the ball, that is basically why this is called the no hands technique. If you have problems associating touching the ball with danger think of it as something similar to playing Russian roulette, but with a fully loaded revolver.
* Seriously, stay away from that ball.
* Consider everyone in the field and out of the field an enemy: the adversaries, your teammates, the referee, both coaches, the line judge, the guy who carries water and some medicinal crap, and sometimes, even yourself.
* Kickoff: when its the opposing team turn to kick that demonic ball, simply run for your life (i.e. in the exact opposite direction of the ball), when its your team’s turn to kick it, just take it easy and make sure everybody in your team gets there before you do.
* The previous concept is very important: ALWAYS be late. If there is a ruck, maul or scrum (this is just for pissing everybody off, you won’t get away from this one) just be late. Get there when nobody needs you and pretend to be extremely tired.
* If you find yourself in a situation where you think somebody will inevitably pass you the ball, run to the best player around (in fact anyone will do, they are all better than you, and they get all the fine ladies) and align 3 meters behind him. Most probably he will now be between you and that bastard who was trying to give you the ball. Of course, people will always give the ball to someone else rather than you.
* When summoned for a scrum always tie your laces, this way you will waste lots of precious rugby time.
* Always seem extremely tired or hurt to go on playing.

Advanced concepts of the No Hands Technique

There are none. This guide is intended for everyone, even, but not limited to, those whose mind is, well, not working very properly. Just memorize those concepts written above.

Unconventional Methods

These methods explore the obscure side of skipping rugby training. The fact that they are called “unconventional” doesn’t imply they are dangerous AT ALL. So please, feel free to use these great scientifically proven methods we gathered here for you, the average skinny loser.

* Pretend to be an emo. No rugby dude would dare touch one of those things.
* Break a leg/arm apart.
* Pretend to be lunatic. People will believe you if you do some crazy things like petting a grue, dance naked in the middle of the field, dressing in your mom’s clothes, whatever.
* Buy stuff. Nowadays you can buy almost everything, and yeah, this includes guns. Go for the big ones. Of course, don’t forget the ammo. Rugby field: lots of moving targets, just fire at random until they desperately run for their lives, now you can start aiming. WARNING: This method is way too efficient, believe me, you will never be caught playing rugby again, instead you might be occupied doing other things.
* Morph into MC Hammer
* Get a boob job.
* Announce that you are not feeling well and fart a lot. At least you won’t be in the scrums.

How To Slow Down Time

2007-04-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

Here are some methods of slowing it down:

The traditional way

1.Run really fast.

2. Keep doing it.

3. Just keep at it.

4. DON'T STOP OR I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. Keep at it until the bullets I just shot at you slow down or become huffed.

The Surgeon Way

1. Have your father die when your a kid.

2. Have your cat be killed and throw yourself into emo suicidal rage.

3. Go to medical school.

4. Become an intern at some crappy hospital.

5. Become a resident at that same crapppy hospital.

6. Become a full-fledged surgeon.

7. Do some (barely) successful operations where the idiot nurse tells you stuff you learned on your first day of medical school.

8. Wail for the even more retarded nurse to come in.

9. Do a bad tumor excision and deny your nurses warnings of bad blood tests.

10. Get yelled at the next day for being a shitty doctor.

11. Be called in anyway for an emergency operation where the patient should be dead anyway if it wasn't for the fact that your taxi driver could turn you into a circle and send you to the hospital in .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000... you get the point seconds.

12. Operate. When a laceration suddenly appears across the patients heart, yell the phrase "Don't die on me!!!" in a melo-dramatic manner. Make a pentagram sign in your head.

13. Congradulations! You slowed down time despite you're a fucking awful surgeon.

14. Get a lawyer 'cause your gonna get sued.

HowTo: Fit Inside a Dryer

2007-04-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

For those seeking relief from severe bouts of boredom, this is a humorous, last-minute alternative to moping around and contemplating what you should do.
Steps

1. Go to your laundry room. If you don't have a laundry room, walk or drive to the nearest laundromat. Or, if the idea of being seen attempting to fit inside a dryer in public terrifies you, go to a friend's house.
2. If you're going to a friend's house, make up a good excuse for wanting to use their dryer. For instance, bring a laundry basket (full of clothes, of course.) with you and claim that your dyer is having "technical difficulties" (or be honest and say that you're too lazy to go to the laundromat).
3. If you are going to a laundromat, it is also best to bring a laundry basket with you to appear as if you are actually going to do your laundry. Don't do anything stupid as you walk into the laundromat or make it look obvious that you're going to attempt to fit in a dryer.
4. Regardless whether you're at your own laundry room, at a friend's house, or at the laundromat, find a dryer. If you're at the laundromat, pick a dryer near the back of the building.
5. Remove any jewelry and shoes. Stack them neatly against the dryer. If you're at the laundromat, attempt to look as sane as possible. If anyone asks, make up an excuse or glare at them until they freak out and run away. If the rest of the customers follow suit, good for you! You have the entire place for yourself.
6. Open the dryer door. Glance inside to make sure nothing is currently inside the dryer. Now you wouldn't try to fit yourself inside of a dryer full of wet clothes or fabric softening sheets, would you?
7. Put one foot inside the dryer door. Again, make sure that you have removed your shoes and any jewelry.
8. Ease yourself slowly into the dryer. Don't jam yourself straight into the dryer! You might risk getting a nasty blow to the head if you aren't careful. Nothing could be worse (and/or more embarrassing) than the paramedics (or a friend) finding you passed out halfway inside a dryer.
9. Place your other foot inside the dryer. You should almost be completely inside the dryer. Again, make sure that the dryer is empty before doing so. You probably do not want to smell the clothing left inside that dryer, right?
10. Admire your new surroundings. Nothing is better than neutral-colored walls and the smell of the remaining fabric softener sheets. Meditate if you feel the need to. Do not (under any circumstances) attempt any sort of extravagant yoga or palates poses inside the dryer.
11. Let yourself slowly get out of the dryer when you feel the time is right.

Tips

* If you are overweight or extremely muscular, you may want to reconsider.
* In case of emergency, always wear clean underwear before attempting to fit in a dryer.

Warnings

* It is highly suggested that you do not attempt to fit yourself into a dryer. These instructions are simply for your safety if you can't resist.
* Do not attempt this with a washing machine. You'll probably get stuck.
* Do expect to get strange looks from others if you are at a laundromat.
* If you're tall, don't attempt fitting yourself inside a dryer unless you have the absolute desire to. Chances are, you won't fit completely inside the dryer and/or you'll get stuck.
* Don't stay in the dryer for too long, as you may want to move in.
* Do not attempt to fit more than one person inside a dryer.
* Don't take this too seriously.
* Do not attempt to use the dryer while inside it, let someone else do that part for you.

How To Huff a Kitten

2007-04-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, the use of kitten huffing impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY TO HUFF A MATURE CAT WITHOUT PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE WITH KITTENS! IT MAY CAUSE A LETHAL OVERDOSE!

Kitten huffing is a controversial practice that has recently been growing as a popular and healthy alternative to street drugs. Despite a long history in Western culture, the practice remains largely taboo. Excessive huffing has been known to produce undesirable side effects, including addiction, damaged sinuses, corrupted brains, which may lead to someone thinking they're something they aren't, and, in some cases, death. It is a general rule of thumb that anyone who huffs more then 3 kittens a day is an addict. Veteran huffers often caution against huffing more than a couple kittens per day as overdosing can be very unpleasant and quite dangerous.

The 'cupped hands approach', developed by the Marquess of Queensberry as a remedy for the pain of head injuries sustained while boxing, has come to be the dominant huffing technique in Europe and the Americas. Other techniques are generally avoided by all but expert huffers and even experts tend to avoid techniques involving rolled up dollar bills, as the kittens tend to clog, although two other techniques exist.
Note: Kitten Huffing is intended for people 12 and over.

Huffing Techniques

Listed here are the three most common huffing techniques.
The Cupped Hands Approach

1. Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
2. Cup hands around the kitten's head, leaving a small opening to put your mouth around.
3. Inhale strongly through the opening until the soul has been completely sucked from the kitten.
4. Don't be a dick: recycle. Used kittens may be turned in to a local Kitten Recycling Center or PETA office.

The less common Plastic Tube Approach.

While less common than the Cupped Hands approach, the Plastic Tube approach is much quicker, although less satisfying. It is basically the same as the Cupped Hands approach except the first two steps are replaced by four steps.

1. Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
2. Obtain a fresh, clean huffing tube.
3. Place tube at rear end of kitten.
4. Call local Poison Control Center

A kitten in a traditional huffing bowl.

Like the Plastic Tube approach, the Huffing Bowl approach has the last steps similar to the Cupped Hands approach. This is the oldest of Huffing Techniqes, dating from circa 1126 by King Henry II.

The first three steps are as follows:

1. Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
2. Obtain a huffing bowl (for only £9.99 from your local newsagents) and give it a rinse.
3. Place kitten in bowl.

The fourth step has become lost in the sands of time, yet various estoric sources say a method similar to the Cupped Hands approch used on the tail or nearby, although this is to be seriously doubted.

Hover Huffing

This new and dangerously disorienting variation on huffing was devised by Oscar Wilde shortly after his invention of the antigravity Cat-Toast Device (see Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats). The huffer glues a piece of buttered toast to the back of the kitten making it hover due to competing falling cat - Murphy's law of buttered toast forces. The kitten is then huffed, toast and all, making the huffer hover and rotate adding a whole new dimension to the huff. This comes with a dire warning though, every huffer who has attempted this with orange kittens has met a horrific death as they spin out of control eventually blacking out due to the g-forces induced.
Inflation Huffing

This recently discovered method of huffing was discovered by Ivan the Terrible in the year of 2084 AD. The method generally involves taking a bicycle pump, sticking it into a kitten, and then pumping and breathing in front of the kitten's face. Eventually, the kitten will become so full of air that the soul blasts out of it's body violently, causing a raw and devastating high that leaves all who experience it never the same.
Condiments

Many people sprinkle condiments on their kittens prior to huffing in order to create a different flavor or texture. Some common condiments used are wasabi, crushed cookie, maple syrup, chocolate syrup, chocolate laxatives, ABC Gum, sprinkles (jimmies), and cracked corn. Oftentimes Jimmies are used with cracked corn, which is where smart people say the song Jimmy Cracked Corn came from. Of course because these people are smart, we can disregard anything and everything they say as false.

Effects

The euphoria produced by kitten huffing has been subject to much speculation over time. Longinus believed that the high of kitten huffing was the direct result of absorbing the kitten's soul and that, consequently, the huffing of a larger animal would have a commensurately larger effect. This, of course, is an absurd proposition. Others claim that the kitten's post-mortem gases produce the euphoric effects. Ultimately, the key to kitten huffing's effect lies deep within the brain stem and is still not clearly understood by scientists.

The great physician Paracelsus was known to recommend kitten huffing as a cure to influenza, the gout, syphillis, and most of all, boredom. In his Archidoxis Kittenhuffae, he states that "verily, the greatest of medicines is the kitten when huffethed through the mouth or nose, as it cureth gout, leprosy, and varied maladies of the privy members. Furthermore, the orange ones fucketh you up mighty good." Paracelsus believed that the effects of kitten huffing are caused by the human microcosm absorbing the feline microcosm; it should be noted that the Archidoxis Kittenhuffae was written under the influence of aforesaid "orange ones".
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit huffing kittens!"
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit huffing kittens!"

Many kitten huffers experience a constant intense craving for rice pudding. These cravings are known as the "ricies" and are caused by habitual kitten huffing as well as Disfarbulating under the influence of kittens. Police have started to crack down on suspected kitten huffers by enforcing strict laws regarding rice pudding possession. Any American citizen who has more than 5 pounds of pudding on them at any time, can be arrested on suspicion of a kitten huffing addiction. Possessing 5 pounds of rice pudding is enough to put you behind bars, because it is admissible in court as definitive proof of a kitten huffing addiction. Because of the value of this pudding among kitten huffers, the Mafia has even gotten into the rice pudding business. In Little Italy, there is a business called Rice to Riches that only serves rice pudding. It specifically caters to kitten huffers. Careless kitten huffers have reported that if the feline essence is held in the oral cavity without being passed to the lungs, it can cause temporary numbing of the tongue. This numbing is believed to be the basis for the phrase, "Cat got your tongue?" and is commonly used by those exerting peer pressure to determine whether a huffer is actually huffing or simply holding it in his mouth.

Although there is little research done on huffing kittens sprinkled with cracked corn, do to the volatility of the resulting mixture of chemicals, the only study done so far has shown that huffing these kittens may cause speed-typing addictions and/or head explosion.
Tlhings You May See While Huffing Kittens (Don't say we didn't warn you)

* Colors unknown to mankind.
* Timothy Leary may speak to you about what your kitten huffing experience really means for you. Ignore him.
* Jesus, Buddha and Nietzsche will invite you for tea and cakes.
* The perfect woman and/or perfect man.
* The spirit of This Guy visits all 1st time huffers.
* Cows if you have eaten steak before huffing.
* Your sickest fantasies.
* The soul of the cat you just killed. You cold hearted bastard.
* Michael Jackson.
* The Non-Huffable Kitten stalking you.
* Repressed childhood trama.
* your mum

History

The first documented case of kitten huffing is from Artemus of Capadocia in 432BC, who described "ae wydenyng of ye soule wyth yon huffe" upon sucking out the soul of a young wild lynx kitten from the plains of central Asia Minor. Kitten huffing achieved only a minor level of interest outside of the Asian sub-continent until famed Englishman, This Guy, wrote his treatise Me and the Marquis Get Down With Some Crazy Shit on an extended huff-binge he took with the Marquis de Sade and brought the practice to the forefront of haute couture.

Historically, kittens were farmed on the plains of central Asia. Selective breeding for increased potency led to the emergence of the first ginger ones around 800AD. When Christopher Columbus discovered a viable trade route from Spain to China in 1492AD, he brought back fresh kitten breeding stock, which led to the advent of local, European, kitten breeding. Western breeding programs lagged behind Eastern ones until the early 20th century, when modern science and technology allowed for precise refinement of the breeding process. While many connoisseurs still claim that only imported Asian kittens are worth huffing, American and European techniques have advanced sufficiently that no casual huffer should be able to tell the difference.

Kitten huffing was declared a mortal sin within the Roman Catholic Church by Papal edict in Pius V's landmark Novarum Felinium of 1649AD.

Where to find kittens

It is possible to grow kittens indoors by purchasing a wild kitten plant over the Internet. The plant is illegal to possess, but the spores can be sold for research purposes. Kitten plants produce approximately ten kittens per month; therefore, five or six suffice to support a moderate kitten habit. Growers should note that kittens are the method through which the plant reproduces, and therefore those growing on wild plants will contain seeds. The seeds produce intense, salvia-like highs that are generally considered undesirable; therefore, amateurs are advised to purchase only plants which will yield seedless kittens.

If you are unable to grow your own, kittens can be purcased in 5 pound bags or puss from a kitten dealer or pussy. You should take care that your pussy is trustworthy, you don't want to find out that you've been huffing kittens that have been stored with other animals, such as turtles, octopi, spuppies, or even worse, Paris Hilton. Alternatively, you can use the classified ads of a local newspaper to find people who have cats and are unaware of the kitten huffing phenomenon, giving away premium kittens so they don't have to look after them.

The War on Kitten Huffing

Kittens are often sold by the gross on the street by pushers such as this one at Stoner High School.
Kittens are often sold by the gross on the street by pushers such as this one at Stoner High School.

There was tacit tolerance, if not acceptance, of kitten huffing up until the late 19th century, when the emerging temperance movement first spoke out against the habit. The practice of kitten huffing was outlawed during Prohibition as part of the Mewling Reforms, though, as with alcohol, the market for kitten huffers continued to thrive underground. With the repeal of Prohibition, the anti-huffing laws were also removed but the negative social stigma remained.

In the 1950s, a series of public service announcements were recorded by the BBC and aired during the popular Uncle Bertrand's Fortnightly Childrens' Hour (surviving fragment: Uncle Bertie's message to the children).

PSAs such as Bertrand's continued into the mid 70s but eventually fell out of favor for being totally square. More recently, a number of support groups have developed to help those individuals with huffing problems, the largest of which is Kitten Huffers Anonymous, which seeks to replace a love of pussy cats with a love of God.

Today, the battle over public policy has led to a tentatively titled "War on Feline" spearheaded by the Vatican (which never did like pussy) and the Institute for a New American Veterinary. The famous National Socialist for Paedophilia's Lewis Black of the Anti Kitten Huffing Movement has campaigned tiresomely for awareness of the dangers of Kitten Huffing, however controversy surrounds the motives of his movement. There is rumored involvement of certain Columbian pet cartels interested in artificially raising demand.
Top Huffs

Here are the top 3 huffs the world has to offer:

Tiny Orange Kittens

The fabled orange ones are the best you can get. For safety's sake, always have your orange kittens examined by an expert. You don't want to be huffing a rat covered in orange paint.

Note: You may be huffing a Non-Huffable Kitten, which will result in not getting a huff and a scratched face, as the Non-Huffable Kitten is also an orange cat.
This is just plain wrong man! Its all about the kitten you perv!

The Hoff Huff

Huffing kittens from David Hasselhoff's chest hair has only been tried by a select club of celebrity huffers, but it is said to add a new and musty experience. Just don't let him tempt you with his puppy fetish. Devoted Hoffers have a habit of becoming devotees of KittenHoffism; this entails wearing a red string bracelet and giving money to The Hoff. See Kittenhuffism below for more details.

The Cheetah Huff

The cheetah is the fastest land animal and huffing a cheetah kitten gives the fastest, scariest huff known to man. Imagine hurtling through a psychedelic wonderland at 100 kph with a desire for raw flesh and you're not even half way there. This is one for the thrill seeker everywhere. Scientists are still trying to ascertain what effect the spots have but frequent users have been known to give up striped and tabby varieties of kitten exclusively for ones with spots after a cheetah huff. The ancient Egyptians were big fans of the cheetah huff and are known to have had large collections of cheetahs on hand at any time to satisfy their wanton desire for speed spot huffing.

Kitten Storage

Kittens should be kept as fresh as possible before huffing, however refrigeration is not recommended as this solidifies the kitten making it much harder to huff and slowing down the whole experience. Professionals keep their kittens in a special kitten storage device called a kittylitter. This is basically a climate controlled set of draws, a bit like a humidore where rich people keep fat cigarettes, called cigars. Portable versions have hit the market recently allowing the man about town to take his supply of kittens with him for that sneaky huff between important meetings.

Remember that kittens must be fed and watered regularly to keep them at their best. You can also enjoy kittens before huffing them, they are fun to cuddle and play with. Personal favourites are dangling a bit of string in front of them and training them to form pyramids.
Kittenhuffism

Real fluff-heads sometimes believe they have found God in a kitten huffing trip. This is the basis for the religion of Kittenhuffism and its small celebrity offshoot KittenHoffism. Members of this religion believe that salvation can be found through kitten huffing. However, a distressing number of professional huffers have ended their days this way. The easiest way to avoid this weird fate is to only huff recreationally, as only true addicts end up this way.

As a side note, KittenHoffism is growing in popularity. Members are recognisable by the small red string bracelets they wear, their regular trips to Israel, and the large amount of money they give to David Hasselhoff. Notable celebrity members are Madonna, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears and Roseanne, among others. The red string bracelet "is meant to show devotion to the mystical practice and to offer us protection from the very powerful negative energy of the evil eye" according to one source. There is even KittenHoffism Water for sale which has been blessed by The Hoff himself.