Simple Marriage

Ask The Readers: What The Difference Between A Good Marriage And A Great Marriage?

Corey — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:08:20 +0000

Across the country and around the globe, there are bad marriages, good marriages, and even great marriages. The difference between bad and good is likely easy to spot, but what’s the difference between good and great?

That’s the focus of this week’s ask the reader:

What’s the difference between a good marriage and a great one?

Have a great 4th of July weekend!

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

How To Self-Soothe Your Way To More In Marriage

Corey — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:14:54 +0000

photo credit: Greg Pye

To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock. ~ Carl Jung

Marriage, or any committed relationship, has the ability to bring excitement and passion into our lives. At the same time however, as the relationship progresses and more roadblocks and perpetual issues arise, we may begin to feel distant from our partner.

Think back to when you first began your current relationship.

It’s likely that you believed you had found the answer to life’s problems, you’d found a partner to share in life’s journey, you’d never again be alone, and it would be smooth sailing from here on out. It’s equally likely that if your relationship was based on these assumptions, it wasn’t long before you were sorely disappointed that your partner failed to live up to your expectations.

Here’s a truism for Simple Marriage: if you look to another person to provide fulfillment, you will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of your own disappointment.

In every important relationship, you’ve brought your own legacy of fears, anxieties, and unresolved problems – so has your partner. As the relationship progresses, it’s often uncomfortable to come to terms with your own baggage. So much so, that when you’re unable to look within yourself, you’ll attribute the problems to your partner rather than accepting the fact that your partner is just being themselves and likely has the best of intentions.

Whenever you’re uncomfortable about something your partner says or does, it helps to realize that your discomfort may derive from a source you’ve yet to examine within yourself – a control issue, a jealousy, an insecurity or fear, etc.

This is part of your growing up – becoming emotionally mature. One key to emotional maturity involves the art of self-soothing.

When you blame your partner for your discomfort, this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. This distance then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The trick to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain.

Which in turn, can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship.

Here’s a few suggestions that will help:

Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally. Even if your partner doesn’t make all the changes you’ve made, don’t take it personally. If you and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body. In other words, you take care of you.
Keep the current conflict in perspective. Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future – and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these future instances.
Control your behavior, even if you can’t regulate your emotions. While you may have difficulty in controlling your emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, you can have control over your behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. Tell yourself: “I don’t have to take action on my feelings.”
Stop the negative thinking. Thoughts drive your feelings and behavior. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening – then calm down.
You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down. When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with your self again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later, after both of you have had some space from each other.
Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression. You need time to confront yourself and understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which are all ways to avoid self-confrontation.

The ability to validate your own perceptions, feelings, and self-worth, and soothe your own heartache and anxiety when the inevitable marital disappointments, frustrations, and misunderstandings occur opens the door for the relationship, and both of you, to experience more. Your “relationship with yourself” determines how you’ll handle the good and bad times of life.

Paradoxically, the better you are at soothing and validating yourself, the less you need your partner to “be there” for you and the more you can “be there” for others. Likewise, you can let yourself be influenced by your partner, taking their needs and opinions into consideration without feeling like you’re weakening your own position or interests in the process.

Your ability to self-validate and self-soothe is absolutely vital to maintaining long term passion in marriage.

Adapted from David Schnarch, Ph.D.

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

How To Keep Arguments From Escalating

Corey — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 01:43:03 +0000

photo credit: *clairity*

As you go through life and learn the various tasks involved in growing up, perhaps one of the most anticipated task in life is learning to drive. Do you remember how much you looked forward to the freedom driving would afford you? I do.

While learning to drive, one important lesson you must learn is how to stop the car. It’s the first thing you’re taught. There are even cars you drive while learning that have an extra brake pedal on the passenger’s side. The reason – learning to apply the brakes is vitally important to all those in the car, and around the car.

Putting on the brakes is an important skill in marriage and relationships as well.

When your conversation starts off on the wrong foot or you find you’re both in a cycle of blame and defensiveness, you can often prevent a disaster if you know how to stop. Marriage researcher John Gottman calls these brakes – repair attempts. And they’re the secret weapon of happy couples.

Marriages that are built on and sustain a good marital friendship are not devoid of arguing and disagreements. In fact, 69% of the problems in marriage are perpetual. Repair attempts, when used well is the secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of hand.

There are two key factors in determining whether repair attempts are successful:

The current state of the relationship.
The ability of the attempt to get through to your partner.

Let me give you an example. Bob and Susan are in a heated discussion about an upcoming family move. They see eye to eye on where they want to live, how to set up the house (mostly), and where to put the kids in school. They are drawing the battle lines over the set up of the family room. Susan thinks they should use their current TV and stereo system while Bob wants to jump at the chance of upgrading to the system he’s had his eye on for some time now. It’s not extravagant and they have the money from the sale of their current home. The more they talk, the louder it gets.

A passer-by, if they overheard the argument, may think they have no hope of a lasting marriage. Then all of the sudden, Susan puts her hands on her hips in perfect imitation of their 4 year old daughter, and proceeds to stick out her tongue. Since Bob knows she’s about to do this, he beats her to it by sticking out his tongue first. They both start laughing. This silliness defuses the tension between them.

Repair attempts are any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from spiraling out of control. When a couple has a solid foundation together and a good friendship with each other, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly receiving those sent their way. If a couple is negatively locked down with each other, even a blatant repair attempt of “Hey, I’m sorry” will have trouble getting through.

What determines the success of repair attempts is the strength of the marital friendship.

Everyone has room to grow and improve when it comes to strengthening the state of the marital friendship. This is not as easy as simply being “friendly” or “nice.” It involves your own personal growth and emotional maturity, as well as your spouse’s (although they’re responsible for themselves in this area).

You can begin by learning to recognize the repair attempts as they happen between you. Sometimes these attempts are missed because they don’t come sugarcoated. A heated “Why are you changing the subject” or “Can’t we discuss this later” is still a repair attempt and is often overlooked.

One of the best strategies to begin with is to make your attempts obvious and formal. Statements like “this is getting out of hand, can we discuss this later” or “can I take that last statement back, I’m sorry” can go a long way in smoothing the waters between you. You could even go as obvious as “Hey, what follows is a repair attempt.”

If you’re on the receiving end of a repair attempt, your job is to simply try and accept it. Confront you own anxieties and tension from the discussion and plan to come together to discuss more at a later time.

For more, check out How To Fight in Marriage and the idea of the physiological response to a perceived threat – Flooding. If you are currently in negative override, How to Say I’m Sorry will be worth the read again.

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

Simple Marriage Audio Plus An Upcoming Challenge

Corey — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:44:25 +0000

photo credit: Colleen AF Venable

For over a year now I have sought to publish an average of 3 posts each week written to assist you in experiencing more in marriage and life. Throughout our journey together I feel like I’ve really gotten to know several of you via your comments and emails.

I think it’s safe to say we’ve become friends, right?

Since we’re friends, I wanted to let you into my world a bit more. I want to lift the veil of the written word. From time to time I get opportunities to speak and teach. Recently I had the chance to speak at my home congregation on the topic of Love and Marriage. If you are interested, you can hear the audio by following this link. You can even download it and put it on your Ipod.

Second, if you’ve been hanging out around here for a while, you know there are several things involved in experiencing more out of marriage and life. Many times I’ve received emails and comments about taking things to the next level in your relationship.

Basically it’s readers like you asking for more. More detail, more connection, more ideas, etc.

I’m creating something just for this.

The 38 Day Build A Simple Marriage Challenge.

For 38 days there will be posts designed specifically to assist you and your spouse in amping up your marriage. While most of the articles at Simple Marriage already have this in mind, this will be a detailed, focused approach throughout the 38 days.

The coolest aspect of the 38 DBSMC is it will have two levels happening simultaneously.

Level one will be on Simple Marriage, with posts full of practical ideas, teaching that will help you implement the ideas and some steps to follow throughout the 38 day challenge. This level will be 100% free.

Level two will be a premium level – a comfortable place where you can hang out (virtually) with my wife and me and talk about this stuff – and more. Here you and your spouse will get additional information via video posts, podcasts, a forum for members only, plus a couple of teleconference calls with me and my wife (and possibly a couple of other “relationship-type-people”). Everything will be recorded so you’ll have access to all the information on your time schedule. At the end of the challenge, I’ll even bundle everything up in one package and send it to you so you can easily refer back to the information later.

The 38 DBSMC won’t happen until the fall, probably starting in late August or September – but hey, that’s only 2 months away! I’ll share more in the coming weeks. If there is something you’d like to see included in the premium area, send me an email or leave a comment with your suggestion.

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

When Will He Ever Stop Doing…?

Corey — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 15:08:35 +0000

Come join the discussion over at Simple Mom today. The monthly column I write for Tsh is posted today and I think you’ll enjoy it. If you do enjoy it, please share it via StumbleUpon, Twitter, or Digg.

When Will He Ever Stop Doing…?

This is also the first post that will begin a series here at Simple Marriage.

Hope to see you there!

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

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What Do Men Know About Women?

Corey — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:46:08 +0000

photo credit: pedrosimoes7

Yesterday quite a discussion ensued when I attempted to make light of us men. Apparently, this post struck a pretty deep cord with many of you.

The main premise of Simple Marriage is that relationships, specifically important relationships, are a tool designed by God to help refine us and grow us up.

Every relationship has the potential to push, pull, and prod our emotional maturity – and this includes our relationship between me as writer and you as reader.

Your willingness to speak up and share your reaction to what I write – and tell me when you think I’ve blown it – provides me with a tremendous opportunity for growth.

One of the markers for growth is the ability to recognize your own strengths and weaknesses.

Here’s what I know about me:

I am open enough to hear feedback and react appropriately (most of the time).
But when I hear reactions I don’t understand or agree with, my tendency is to push or pull away in order to lessen my discomfort.

Since my instinctive reaction is to acknowledge and pull away I want to approach the discussions yesterday head on.

A tremendous tool in creating and improving deeper relationships is the counter-intuitive move – leaning in to the relationship instead of pushing away.

Here’s how I’m leaning in to instead of pushing away . . .

You, the reader, are my most valuable resource.

I want to do more than say, “Sorry” and move on – I want to honor and celebrate what we men do know about women.

Every man alive has at least one intimate relationship with a woman because every man alive has a mother. Women are still the primary shapers of men because women are still the primary caregivers of boys. Add sisters, aunts, cousins, and female friends and it’s easy to see the vast wealth of knowledge and experience that informs men’s knowledge base about women. And this is before the intimate relationship of marriage has even entered the picture.

Whatever you focus on grows – so I want to invite you to focus on answering these questions:

What do I know about women?

How do I communicate with women on a deeper level?
Not just my wife – any women in my life, past or present?

It’s a Hollywood myth that men know how to satisfy a woman’s every desire in bed. So what do you know about being a wonderful lover to the woman you love?

How did you decide to be fully committed to the woman you love? Was it a good example or a bad example that motivated your choice? Is that choice based on something greater than you?

What is the most romantic moment you created for the two of you?

I’ll get things started – Here’s what I know:

I believe woman is the culmination of God’s beauty, tenderness, and love. She is the last thing created in the story of Creation. She is capable of anything she sets her mind to. She longs to be valued and cherished, as well as fought for and pursued.

To communicate with a woman on a deeper level you must listen to her story. Conversations with my mother (and sister) to this day consist of listening to the story, not just the details. The women in my life have sought connection more through stories than brief points. Applying this to my relationship with Pam (who’s not a story-teller) has taught me that she doesn’t want to be fixed, often doesn’t even want the issue being discussed fixed, she simply wants to be heard. To know she has a partner in her life. A knight in shining armor, maybe – but a partner, yes.

What do I know about being a wonderful lover? I’m not going to get too deep into this but over the course of my marriage, two valuable resources have taught me the most. The first is my wife and the second is grad school. Both of us were naive going into the area of our relationship. We learned from each other, but grad school opened us up to our sexuality as a whole, not just sex. Being a wonderful lover involves more than what goes on in bed – a great deal more. Knowing more about anatomy certainly helps while in bed, but don’t forget about being a wonderful lover to a woman’s greatest assets,- her heart and her mind.

Being fully committed to my wife is a life long choice, based largely on my spiritual relationship with God. We’ve both been fortunate to have this commitment modeled to us by our parents and grandparents. But to me, one of the best ways I can honor God and honor my wife is to work to stay with her.

I like to think of myself as a romantic – from weekends away together to pouring a bath surrounded by candles just for her after a rough day. The most romantic moment in my marriage thus far was our trip to the Caribbean last year. This trip sparked our relationship from the time it was planned until a month or so after. While I can still do more in the romance department, coming up with ideas is not an issue. All I have to do is listen.

Part of growing up involves knowing what you know as well as knowing what you don’t know. Every day I’m presented with opportunities to grow and discover more of what I don’t know. The women throughout my life have helped me become the man I am today. And by continuing to learn from the women currently in my life, I can become an even better man.

So fellas, care to join me? And ladies, care to help us by pointing out what we as men don’t know?

Your turn.

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

Reader’s Feedback and My Response

Corey — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 01:51:39 +0000

Earlier today there was a post wherein I threw my gender under the bus by attempting to make light of the perception that men are clueless when it comes to understanding women. It did not come across as intended. For that I apologize.

First, I am thankful that the readers of Simple Marriage would be willing to speak up and share their perception and thoughts about what is written here. After all, you’re an extremely valuable part of Simple Marriage.

Second, I am honored to hear that what I write and what is posted here by others has become such a valuable resource for hope and improvement in life and marriage. In no way would I want to harm this and I hope that my attempt at humor is seen as just that, a poor attempt at a few laughs.

It is easy to take life too seriously however, and I hope that regardless of the situation you are currently in, you can find ways to laugh at yourself and others (although not at the expense of others).

Again- thank you for speaking up and for continuing to read what is written here.

God bless. ~Corey

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The Complete Guide to Everything Men Know About Women

Corey — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:02:29 +0000

photo credit: lepiaf.geo

As you may or may not be aware, I am fan of research. Whether it’s reading or conducting a research study, I enjoy the idea of discovering something new.

Many of you have helped with my own research on what it takes to create a thriving marriage (I’ll release the findings soon) and I am grateful.

Another research project I’ve come across was designed to uncover everything men know about women. After years of research and thousands of interviews with men from all over the world, some amazing discoveries were found.

Ever wondered what men know about communicating with a woman on a deeper level?

Or satisfying a woman’s every desire in bed?

Or living fully committed to the woman he loves?

Or creating a romantic evening for the two of you?

All these questions and more will be answered. Keep reading!

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

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Welcome to Simple Marriage 3.0

Corey — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 16:42:10 +0000

From time to time Wordpress releases an upgrade, the latest is version 2.8. While each of these releases added pretty cool features, each time I’ve upgraded it’s crashed the site. The last time happened last weekend. As I was heading off to bed Saturday night, I hit the upgrade button only to find when I pulled up Simple Marriage I was met with a blank white screen. Two hours later everything was restored but I discovered once again that the theme I use was not compatible with the new version.

So welcome to Simple Marriage 3.0.

For the most part, everything should look pretty familiar – there are a few new features and future additions that will be coming along in the days to come. So throughout the coming weeks there will be some minor tweaking here and there.

Look around, check things out.

I’d like your input on the usability of the site as well as any glitches or layout issues you may see. Please leave me a comment or send me an email via the contact form to let me know what you think.

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

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17 More Tips To Improve Marriage And Slow Down Life At The Same Time

Corey — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 18:08:43 +0000

photo credit: » Zitona « [09]

Last month I posted some ideas to help improve marriage and slow down life at the same time.

For the most part I’ve been living by these ideas, trying to live life slowly and deliberately, although there are many times when the immediate seems to overtake the important.

I think there is a direct correlation between slowing down life and improving life.

That is as long as the speed at which you live life is not an attempt to avoid some of life’s problems and struggles. For example, if your marriage or home life is rocky so it may seem easier to work longer hours and be involved in more things outside of the home, thus avoiding the marriage problems.

If you live life at a fast pace due to avoiding things, it’s time to confront the problems head on. If your life is fast for some other reason, here’s a few more ideas to help you slow down.

I opened up the discussion to my friends on Twitter and here’s what they have to add:

Less TV – @Lifegains
Before getting out of bed, set an intention for the day and share it. – @barnfry
Moved out of a big city and to the country – @KingTor
Shower or bathe together – @michaelannalea
Live within the natural rhythm of life – @bunzymay
Socialize as a family, with other families – @hismilkmaid
Learn to say no – @michaelannalea
Date nights – @hismilkmaid
Stay home and enjoy time as a family – @tino806
Take up a hobby together – @lauriehenry
Cook together vs. eating out – @alisabow
Watch the sunset
Eat home cooked meals together away from the TV – @jtw78
Make one night a week an “at home” night – @dandyer
Invite some friends over for a long dinner together.
Keep one eye open and the other shut – @judygruen
Staying away from Twitter – @mochadad

Now it’s your turn – how have you improved marriage and slowed life down at the same time?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.