Simply Beth

TGIF | Love and Kindness

2019-08-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration and Fun Friday

TRUST

I am trusting in my voice.
I am trusting in what I contribute by using my voice.
I am trusting that there is a seat for me at the table.
I am trusting in belonging.
I am trusting in God -- that He created me to be uniquely me, Simply Beth. He does not want me to be like all the other women I can compare myself to and believe have more to contribute at the table...or to this writing world...or to the world as a whole.

"The world needs who you were made to be. Be you!" - Joanna Gains

Most of all, I am trusting in choosing love and kindness. I am trusting that making the choice to choose love and kindness, in the midst of this very divided world, has the ability to change the world. I am trusting in seeing the people God puts in my path, first and foremost as one who is also created by our amazing and holy God. To see beyond evil and see the person.

This friends, is not hiding behind my faith -- it's living out the truth of the Gospel. Standing firm in His truth.

For I know... "we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12 (NLT)

Because Agape love is not conditional. Agape love, the love of God, is unconditional.

May I seek to love unconditionally no matter our differences; no matter how the words or actions of another may hurt me. This does not mean I tolerate evil. It means I stand firm in the knowledge that when we shine His light in the darkness, darkness will not overcome it (John 1:5).

GRATITUDE

I am grateful to God for giving me a glimpse of what it looks like when I trust in all these things.

I am grateful to those who have patiently listened as I fumble through words to say what I want to say. The thoughts twirling around in my head that seem so eloquent as they twirl, never sound as eloquent as I speak or write them.

I am grateful to those who have welcomed me to the table.
I am grateful to those who have said, "you belong here."
I am grateful to those who ask for nothing more than for me to be who God created me to be.

I am grateful for those in my life who continually choose love and kindness. For those who have shown me what loving as He has loved us truly looks like.

INSPIRATION

I said this in my last TGIF post, but it remain so true for me -- I am inspired to live fully and abundantly in the love of Christ. And I am inspired to extend His love and kindness to others.

I am inspired to live wholeheartedly.

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough." - Brené Brown

FUN

Last Sunday we went to the Wisconsin State Fair with our son and his family. So of course I need to share the cuteness of our sweet Emily.

What are you trusting, grateful for, inspired by, and doing for fun? Join Brené here in sharing your TGIF every Friday, or share with me below. I love hearing from you.

First three photos from unsplash.com.

TGIF | Blessings

2019-08-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration and Fun Friday

TRUST

I am trusting my worthiness of God's love and blessings. Not because my worthiness is deserving or earned by anything I have done, but rather my worthiness is found in seeing and savoring the One of infinite worth" (John Piper).

The truth is, on my own I am not worthy. Yet God payed the penalty for my sins through the blood of His own Son, now making me worthy. His love and blessings are not because of my worthiness but because Jesus made the way for me (for us) to receive His love and every promise.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places." - Ephesians 1:3 (ESV)

We do not earn God's love and blessings -- it's what we have access to when we put our faith and trust in Him -- when we live a life in Christ. Knowing Him and having a relationship with Him is my (is our) greatest blessing.

**I am trusting I expressed myself rightly above. I do know His truth-- I just wrestle with the doubt of whether or not I shared His truth accurately.

GRATITUDE

I am grateful for the family and friendships He has blessed me with. I am grateful for a day of celebrating the parents-to-be of our second granddaughter, Skylar GraceAnne, with my family and friends who are dearest to me.

INSPIRATION

I am inspired to live fully and abundantly in the love of Christ.

"A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance." - John 10:10 (HCSB)

FUN

It was a fun week of celebrating turning 50!

I had no qualms about turning 50 -- for me it was a time of reflecting on and rejoicing in God's faithfulness in my life for 50 years. Even though for 40 of those years I did not have a relationship with Him. Those 40 years He was chasing after me, drawing me to Himself. It's a love worth celebrating!

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Reckless Love, Cory Asbury

What are you trusting, grateful for, inspired by, and doing for fun? Join Brené here in sharing your TGIF every Friday, or share with me below. I love hearing from you.

TGIF | Saving Grace

2019-07-26T07:29:00.001-05:00

Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration and Fun Friday

TRUST

Depression hit me hard when I returned home from Europe last summer after the trip of the lifetime to visit hubs while he was stationed in Germany for nine months. Experiencing Frankfurt, Nuremberg, Prague, Hallstatt, Vienna, Bratislava, Salzburg and Heidelberg together was beyond what I dreamed it would be.

Those nine days in Europe came after six months of doing life apart (except for his quick trip home to meet his granddaughter). This was his third deployment overseas in five years. And while technically the easiest of the three deployments in terms of location, for me it was the hardest emotionally.

Once home from Europe the physical exhaustion of a tremendous amount of walking turned into emotional exhaustion. There was much to celebrate, but there were days when the tears were unstoppable, the loneliness unbearable.

He came home in October and his homecoming was sweet -- he surprised me by showing up a day earlier than I expected.

But the reintegration to doing life together had it's ups and downs. It took longer than the first two deployments to fall into a rhythm with one another. The stories of his time away were harder to hear. When he had to put on his uniform again I realized what it began to symbolize for me, still my hero for his willingness to serve his county but more so my hero who continually has to leave to serve his country.

In April of this year he departed for Virginia to complete a requirement for advancement -- Advanced Leaders Course (ALC). The course was a month long. Apart once again, along with other hard emotional life events, brought me to fragile place. The enemy was attacking and I was letting him win, big time.

Here is where I finally get to what I trusted and what I continue to trust.

God: I have reached to wherever you are in the farthest corners of earth, and the most hidden places therein. I have called to you and said, "You are my servant. I have chosen you, not thrown you away!" So don’t be afraid. I am here, with you; don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, help you. I am here with My right hand to make right and to hold you up. - Isaiah 41:9-10 (Voice)

"God wanted me to believe what I could not see. To trust His words and His provision, and to trust that what wasn't from Him would fall away. To believe that what was from Him would stay and plant in me, and something would grow." - Annie Downs, Remember God

Sisters in Christ: "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

These dear Sisters-in-Christ would not let me drift away. They prayed for me. They spoke truth to me of my true identify in Christ. They reminded me of God's faithfulness and called out where they had seen His faithfulness in my own life. They helped me to see I did not need to start all over with God (I had begun to question if the Holy Spirit was truly living inside of me), but instead allow Him to build upon the work He had already done in me and promised to bring to completion (Philippians 1:6).

I trust and am confident that God will do more than I can ask or imagine in this journey of healing. He already is.

GRATITUDE

Always, always, always, I am grateful for a God who never leaves us or forsakes us. The Lord our God will always be at our side, and He will never abandon us (Deuteronomy 31:6).

And I am grateful for those dear Sisters-in-Christ. I am grateful for Barb, Joanne, Laurene, Michele, Mindy, Sue and Susan. Thank you, beautiful women of God, for your faithful friendships and for leading me in the path of victory. Thank you for your friendship that "goes deeper and rivers that runs deeper and stronger" (Priscilla Shirer). For your friendship that makes sure I am camping out in the right place. Thank for declaring over me when I felt unable to do so, "Not today, Satan. Not today!" Thank you for standing and walking with me. Thank you for helping me to be the person God has called me to be.

INSPIRATION

Friends, I am simply inspired to get well. To be healthy. I am inspired to not go back to where I have no business going. Not today, Satan. Not today!!

Much of the gratitude portion of this post was inspired after watching and listening to a sermon by Priscilla Shirer on our Identity in Christ. It's worth the time, I promise. Watch here.

FUN

We did not have time with our sweet Emily this past week but our son and his wife always send pictures. This little girl is full of smiles and fun simply comes with her whether in person or via a photo.

Oh...we have a baby shower tonight for our granddaughter-to-be, Skylar GraceAnn, which means our eldest son and his wife are in town for a few days. Fun times ahead!

What are you trusting, grateful for, inspired by, and doing for fun? Join Brené here in sharing your TGIF every Friday, or share with me below. I love hearing from you.

TGIF | Celebrate

2019-07-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

Friends, I want to first tell you that it has been a week of victories. Praise God! Last week was hard! It had been three months since I have cried like I did last Thursday during my session with Rachel, my therapist. The emotions, anxiety and negative thoughts were high. Oh so high!!

I see more clearly the impact lack of sleep has on my mood and thoughts. Last week was an awful week of not sleeping well. Poor sleep falls more on the common side for me but it's an issue we (my psychologist and I) are trying to address.

This week I have slept much better. Praise God!

I have felt much better. Praise God!

I have pushed through negative thoughts quicker. Praise God!

I have shown up and been vulnerable more often. Praise God!

And...

TGIF: Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration and Fun Friday

TRUST

I fear crossing the too much information line here. As Brené Brown writes in her book Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

But as Brené also writes, we can also “share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability.” I am processing this thought and see some truth as I realize all I have written so far is an attempt to protect myself in being vulnerable with you.

What I fear most is how what I want to share with you will be perceived. Too much information? Shameful? And maybe someone will perceive it that way. Yet here is what I am trusting...

The real victory I desire to share with you is worthy of celebrating -- not shameful.The eating disorder I have had a relationship with for over 20 years is not shameful. It's only a relationship that needs to end.

My Victory:

the follow up to “And...” I have not purged in six weeks. Praise God!

This is huge for me and I would really, really, really, appreciate if you would celebrate with me.

Have I gone this long before? Yes. Why do I so badly want to celebrate this time? Healing is a journey, a messy journey. It often involves steps forward, steps backwards, and steps forward again. But the real reason I ask you to celebrate with me is because something is different this time. I can't explain it (other than to point to God)--I simply feel it. I am truly on a journey of healing. I need to celebrate the progress.

God is moving in miraculous ways. Praise God!

GRATITUDE

I am grateful for my husband. Sure I told you this in a previous post but the gratitude overflows. The ways he shows up for me and loves me...I am blessed, and grateful.

Today I celebrate Scott. I celebrate the ways he loves and supports me through the good and the bad (just as we vowed to do). I celebrate how God has shown up in our lives and our marriage to transform us to the people and couple we are today. It is only by the grace of God we celebrate 29 years of marriage in October. Only God! But God!!! Friends, our God can and will do more than you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

INSPIRATION

Are you familiar with Java with Juli or Juli Slattery? I have listened to many of her podcasts. However, the past few months I have been on a Brené Brown and Priscilla Shirer kick so it's been a while since I have tuned in. When I looked at her recent podcast titles, one came up with the title, “Winning the Battle in Your Mind.”

Well yes, the title resonated just a little.

I could attempt to summarize the podcast but instead I prefer to simply encourage you to give up the 45.48 minutes of your time to listen in as Juli talks with Kelly Balarie. Listen here.

God continually uses others to inspire me to go deeper in my relationship with Him and to make the choice to truly, truly take Him at His word - I am beautiful, victorious, enough, created, strong, amazing, capable, chosen, never alone and always loved.

And I am inspired to purchase Kelly's book Battle Ready.

And I am celebrating a week of progress in winning the battle in my own mind!

FUN

While this celebration happened a few weeks ago, I now have pictures from Emily's first birthday party (thanks to my lovely sister) so I am sharing with you the fun of celebrating this sweet little girl who is growing up so quickly.

What are you trusting, grateful for, inspired by, and doing for fun? Join Brené here in sharing your TGIF every Friday, or share with me below. I love hearing from you.

Note: Early images are from Unsplash

TGIF | Fully Persuaded

2019-07-12T06:00:00.000-05:00

TGIF – Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration and Fun Friday

Trust

I tend to get stuck here, especially if I am having a week like the one I have had this past week. I fight the urge to give up on this whole writing thing because it simply feels too hard.

I shared in last week's TGIF post an inspiration to start a God Box. There is not a box yet, but until there is a box, the notes app on my phone is where I leave all the things that attempt to take up space in my mind and instead surrender them to God. At least I really try to surrender them to Him.

What I need to trust is that the anxiousness of my mind, the constant racing of thoughts (more often negative than positive) will begin to slow. The grounding exercises I'm practicing will become the natural response to the racing thoughts. The medication will make a difference. This is not the way it always will be. I will taste victory this side of heaven

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." - Romans 4:20-21

And I will give glory to God even if the struggle remains because my love and devotion is to Him, not the promise.

Oh God, let it be so.

Gratitude

I am grateful for sisters who show up to help with the food portion of my daughter-in-law's baby shower (versus my catered food plan), regardless of how I have failed to show up for them in so many ways.

I am grateful for friendships made throughout the journey of writing in this space and for those friends who continue to show up to cheer me on, regardless of how I have failed to do the same for them.

My natural response is to feel unworthy of love and support from others -- unworthy of connection -- unworthy of that relationship. I see all my failures. I look inward instead of outward. There is profound gratitude for how therapy, and the work of the Holy Spirit, is renewing my mind to see things more rightly. To receive the gift of help from others. To rest in gratitude for their strengths instead of resting in my weaknesses.

Inspiration

For some reason this one feels harder this week. But I know my tendency is to over think a thought -- to question the rightfulness of a thought. Or maybe what I am questioning is how I will be perceived by others if I actually share that particular thought. Is it questioning or fear?

If I stop overthinking this, the truth is I am inspired to keep taking another step forward. I am inspired to continue the journey of healing even though staying sick feels normal and comfortable -- it's what I know. Twenty-five years of a relationship with an eating disorder is hard to walk away from. But I am inspired to walk away. I am inspired to believe who He created me to be is special and unique. I am not a mistake. He made me on purpose for a purpose.

I am inspired to take God at His word... I am beautiful, victorious, enough, created, strong, amazing, capable, chosen, never alone and always loved. You are all these things too!

Fun

Last weekend we babysat our sweet Emily all day Saturday and through the night. On Sunday morning, after she woke and had her morning banana, I turned on Jesus kid's music, held her close and danced around our kitchen with her. Oh what fun! She never fails to make all things better. Being her grandma truly is the bestest!

What are you trusting, grateful for, inspired by, and doing for fun? Join Brené here in sharing your TGIF every Friday, or share with me below. I love hearing from you.

TGIF | God Box

2019-07-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

Can I be honest in telling you writing this post comes with quite a bit of anxiety? I wrote and shared a TGIF post last week and I can count on two hands how many views it had. I know it should not be about the numbers and those number DO NOT define my self-worth, yet it still left me discouraged and questioning what I’m doing. I also accidentally deleted the first TGIF post I wrote in the midst my “I’m not enough” rant (to myself that is). Oops, and oh well.

I am committed more than ever before to walk this journey towards healing. And writing again has helped, so I will push through the doubts and insecurities and trust He has purpose in bringing me back to this space.

TGIF – Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration and Fun Friday

TRUST

The trust topic with Rachel, my therapist, this week past was to trust that it’s okay to feel disappointed, but I don’t need to take ownership of that disappointment. Meaning—not every disappointment is a result of me failing in some way. To feel disappointed does not mean I am a disappointment.

Image Source: Scripture Pictures, by Naphy Joiner

GRATITUDE

I have experienced overwhelming gratitude for my husband these past few weeks. Let me just say—he loves me so well! He is my hero, not only for his commitment to service our country, but for his commitment to be there for me and to love me no matter what. I have to believe that loving someone through 20+ years of struggling with an eating disorder is super hard.

Happy Independence Day!

INSPIRATION

As I talked about disappointments with Rachel, I was reminded of a creative idea I read about in Anne Lamott’s book, HELP, THANKS, WOW. She writes about starting a God Box to let go of those things that are weighing you down by surrendering them to God. It’s the practice of literally writing down on a piece of paper what you are wrestling with and then placing that paper in the God Box – releasing it to God.

To say to God, “It’s yours, I’m done.”

Image Source: Scripture Pictures

Rachel carried this a step further and suggested I start a journal to keep a record of my victories. She is quick to make sure I see them and celebrate them. I see a long road ahead of me in this journey to healing, but I have also made significant progress from where I was several months ago. There have been many victories.

Whatever I walk through
Wherever I am
Your Name can move mountains
Wherever I stand
-Highlands, by Hillsong UNITED

Friends, His name CAN move mountains! He is moving mountains I had begun to believe were unmovable.

I am inspired to create the God Box and to record my victories. And I am inspired to celebrate those victories!

“For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” - Deuteronomy 20:4

FUN

I have a hunch this portion of TGIF will often (quite likely always) involve a memory of fun had with our sweet granddaughter (and granddaughter to come). I simply can’t get enough of her. My son does not need to ask me twice to babysit, and it even requires a two-hour drive to get to them. While I hate the drive, I will not say no to time together.

She's the cutest!

What are you trusting, grateful for, inspired by, and doing for fun? Join Brené here in sharing your TGIF every Friday, or share with me below. I love hearing from you.

TGIF | The Healing Journey

2019-06-28T05:56:00.000-05:00

TGIF - Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration and Fun Fridays

TRUST

Trust has been a hard one for me the past two weeks. It's always about learning to trust God more and I need to trust Him more in the rising strong process. In Brené Brown's book, Rising Strong, she provides a three-step Rising Strong Process:

The Reckoning: walking into our story (identify/engage with emotions)
The Rumble: owning our story (the story I'm making up)
The Revolution: writing a new ending

I'm doing a lot of "reckoning" with my emotions instead of going with the previous behavior of suppressing them and hoping they go away, but over time I have allowed them to define me. And this reckoning process is not fun. The "rumble" is not fun either. Most of the time I see how I'm leaning on my own understanding and interpretation of events (my interpretation being not one hundred percent accurate). The actual rumble to investigate what's really happening, which typically requires engagement with the other person(s) involved in the story, I'm not doing so much. The rumble is essential to get to the revolution step.

The diagnosis report from when I first began seeking out a therapist includes: depression, anxiety disorder, eating disorder and relationship problems.

I'm learning how true the relationship problems are (the diagnosis first took me by surprise, and it hurt) because I disengage and self-protect instead of trusting God by showing up vulnerable and human in my relationships. I see the greatness of the disengagement behavior and the impact. A term I identify with is UNTETHERED.

As my therapist, Rachel, has said, it took many moments to bring me here and it will likely take many moments of choosing to show up vulnerable before I experience the healing I seek. Often, we want healing to be an event, and God is able to do that, but more often than not He has purpose in the journey to healing.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Scripture Pictures - Artist: Nina Jensen

GRATITUDE

I'm grateful for time away with our family. We spent a lovely (not perfect but all together lovely) week in Estes Park, Colorado with our boys and their wives, and our sweet little granddaughter. Colorado is one of our most favorite places. A journey to the mountains feels like I've journeyed closer to God--His presence more greatly experienced.

"I will give thanks to you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds." Psalm 9:1

INSPIRATION

I pulled out my NIKON camera for our Colorado trip, which was first purchased in 2008 prior to going to Colorado with our two boys (they were much younger obviously).

Same Camera, Same Rock, a little less sunny

Basically, the camera is much older now. The camera appears to work the same as it did way back then, and as I'm capturing moments inspiration grows to take up photography again. But then... I return home and upload the photos to my home computer and the inspiration fizzles out. Not good enough.

Seriously, when will this stop?!?! I do this with everything.

Writing - not good enough
Photography - not good enough
Ministry - not good enough
Work - not good enough
And the list goes on.

I watched a YouTube video of Priscilla Shirer delivering a sermon from Exodus 14. She tells a story of her intern not following instructions her husband sent in a text when traveling out of Dallas Fort Worth airport together. The intern got delayed at the security check point so Priscilla's husband sent her a text telling her what gate to meet them at. The intern read the text but assumed he meant something different from what he wrote and headed to a whole different terminal. When the intern finally caught up with them on the plane seconds before it was to depart and explained what happened, Priscilla's husband said to her, “You know, you could’ve saved yourself so much trouble if you had simply believed that what I wrote is what I meant.”

If only I truly believed that what God wrote about me in the Bible was truly what He meant... to see myself as He sees me. Oh, the headaches and sleepless nights it would likely save.

"Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you." Isaiah 43:4

The thing is, I never allow myself to rest in what I know are lies from the enemy. I am not passive here. I actively seek God through His Word, I listen as He speaks truth my heart needs to hear, and I continually see Him move in my life in miraculous ways.

Inspiration, and strength, to take another step forward in the journey to healing comes from Him and through Him. He uses godly women to inspire me. And this writing again...He's using truth telling about the struggle to do work in me beyond what you'll see here in this space.

Inspirational Truth: "I'm not fighting for victory, but from victory. And this changes everything."

FUN

Time with our sweet granddaughter, Emily, always equates to FUN times. She really does make everything better. We love her so much!!

What are you trusting, grateful for, inspired by, and doing for fun? Join Brené here in sharing your TGIF every Friday, or share with me below. I love hearing from you.

Pursuing Authenticity

2019-05-31T05:54:00.000-05:00

Coffee dates with girlfriends are one of my most favorite activities. Those two hours because they always tends to be at least two hours in length are such a time of blessing and encouragement. And I'd like to believe we both walk away equally encouraged, although I often fear I do too much of the talking and need to practice listening more.

The topic of writing came up at a recent coffee date. My sweet friend extended words of affirmation regarding my writing and encouraged me to be in prayer about returning to writing.

Honestly... I have discovered I have a fear of writing. Maybe not a fear of actually writing but a fear of the emotions that tend to come when I write -- a fear of returning to another place where I allow "not good enough" to reign. I also question if God is calling me to write. What if God is saying no to something I want? But what if this is something God is calling me to and I am letting fear win?

Could I put those questions aside, for now, and simply write? I raised the topic with my therapist and she asked, "could writing be an avenue towards healing, and could you write without placing any expectations on yourself and simply write for you?"

I think the question I need to answer is, could I simply be me and not allow writing to be another wrestle for worthiness?

Months ago I received two copies of the Magnolia Journal in the mail. On the front of the cover it read, "The World Needs Who You Were Made To Be." I saw God's hand in delivering two copies of this issue to my mailbox. He knows my thoughts - He knows exactly where they go -- the world needs someone else, not me.

I have read three Brené Brown books over the past seven months, and I'm currently reading #4.

Braving the Wilderness—Belonging.
The Gifts of Imperfection—Be you.
Daring Greatly—Be all in.
Rising Strong—Fall. Get up. Try again.

In her book Rising Strong as she writes about how one of the "truisms" for living wholeheartedly, she say,“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” ~ Brené Brown

Friends, I need to be done with the hustle for worthiness. For me that comes with being authentic about the struggle (depression, anxiety and an eating disorder) but also having the courage to show up and simply be who God made me to be. As Brené also says, "to let go of who I think I'm supposed to be and embrace who I am."

But to embrace who I am - who God created me to be - I know that involves getting to know my deepest, most authentic self, and doing the hard work of engaging (or reckoning and rumbling) with my emotions. There are so many layers to break through. At the core though, as Michelle DeRusha writes in her book True You, "my identity as a child of God is everything. I know without that, I have nothing; without that, I am nothing."

Our church recently did a sermon series on 2 Corinthians. In the first chapter of 2 Corinthians we see the God of All Comfort in the first several versus. We see how suffering is an opportunity for God to work through us - that His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

But we have a choice to make - will our principle identity be found in God or in our suffering? For me, I've allowed my identify to be placed in not-enough. But God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and that I am more valuable than many sparrows (Matthew 10:31). Faith is believing Him - trusting in Him. I am who He says I am!

There is a connection in all this that I am trying to make. If only the words would pour out more clearly. Maybe it's in what I said to my pastor following his sermon, "The enemy is attacking me from every angle but he will not win. Though I may be stumbling, I know God will not let me fall. He continues to uphold me. I know in this season of suffering (where the lies are louder than the truth) He is doing something in and through me. I know and trust He will do a new thing. For I know our God is good and He is faithful to all that He promises.

I feel like much is left unsaid when I make the attempt to express myself. I tend to think I'm not making sense but I have been told my perception in that thinking is not accurate. Oh how I'm working on trusting -- trusting in Him -- trusting He will do more than I can ask or imagine with this offering.

Can I end with this? Words from the beautiful Ann Voskamp -- "God is good and you are always loved."

Raise a Hallelujah

2019-01-27T12:21:00.000-06:00

In my last post I shared with you a few verses to a song I've been singing over and over. Because my one word this year is SING, and I am singing friends. I think just maybe I will sing a little more with you.

Toward the end of the song the lead singer speaks out these words as the melody of the song continues to play:

"Begin to raise your own Hallelujah
There's a song written on your heart that only you can sing
When you sing enemies flee
When you sing prison walls come falling down
When you sing heaven invades the earth
Raise it like a banner
Raise it like a flag
Raise it in the middle of the storm
Let it rise
Like a symphony to the King
Sing a little louder!"
Raise a Hallelujah

Those words are on repeat in my mind. Mainly the lines about singing and enemies fleeing and prison walls falling down and heaven invading the earth. Why? Friends, when I begin to sing - to give Him all my praise and worship - I witness those very things take place.

Maybe it's only in my mind but as I sing I experience the battle being won. I'm reminded that victory is sure.

And I need this reminder as the battle of lies versus truth plays out in my mind. I know we are not to give our enemy too much power, but we also cannot minimize his realness and the fact that he is high bent on stealing our joy. As my dear friend wrote in an email - the enemy is trying to get me from every angle.

My continual response now is to sing, and to sing louder and louder.

There are times when the singing isn't literal singing, but it takes the form of speaking out the truth of who He is - the truth of His goodness, love, grace and mercy. And the truth that even though the world may seem like it's spinning out of control, we are not without hope. He reigns! He is a promise-keeper. The promises He makes throughout the Bible are promises we can bank on.

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. 2 Corinthians 1:20

I had coffee yesterday with two women who are part of a small group I have the privileged of leading. In the two and half hours we spent together we covered a range of topics.

We talked about King David and how even though he was a man after God's own heart, he stumbled often but God did not let him fall - though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand (Psalm 37:24). There's such encouragement in that for us.

We talked about how our heart aches for family and friends who do not know God, or who have turned away from Him. Yet, we proclaimed the reckless love of our God and the hope we have that He will chase them down. I know it's a hope I must cling to.

We shared our testimonies and marveled at the undeniable truth of God. When you hear our stories what other explanation can there be? But God and Only God!

We spoke of our shared desires to be bolder in our faith. To have a greater fear of God, rather than a fear of how another may respond to the truth we speak. But please God, help us speak the truth in love.

We dove into politics and social issues - topics we are trained as leaders to divert from. But there we were discussing these things. At one point, even though everything we said pointed back to God and the truth of His word, and how that truth includes we are to love despite our differences, I made us pause to admit we had crossed over to topics I should not allow. I took a moment to ensure there were no hurt feelings. I knew ultimately we each approached these topics with a desire for Him to help us to love like Christ. That even when it's hard, when our differences scare us, may we show up regardless and love.

Why do I tell you about this coffee date? I believe it's because in those two and a half hours the three of us each raised our own Hallelujah. We sang the songs of our hearts - the realness of hard seasons but the truth that God is who He says He is. It was our symphony to our King.

I drove home to that song - Raise a Hallelujah - and once again marveled at the awesomeness of our God. When we sing, heaven really does invade the earth. And isn't that because He dwells in us so as we raise our Hallelujah's we do our part in bringing heaven to earth?

When you walk into our home I have these words on a frame: Love deeply, welcome gladly, serve faithfully, so that in all things God may be praised. This is taken from 1 Peter 4:8-11. This is where I will end today - in all things may God be praised! May we raise our Hallelujah's to Him and then watch the enemy - our real enemy - flee. Watch strongholds be broken, relationships restored, the blind see, and so much more. Watch God do more than we can ask or imagine.

And then sing a little louder!

My One Word :: Sing

2019-01-22T07:11:00.000-06:00

Hello friends.

Being here seems foreign to me. The last time I sat down to write a post (or to write for that matter) was April 2018. It took me several attempts to even login this morning. Why am I here now? I honestly do not know other than to say I do give thought to this space on occasion and wonder if I could return to sharing here on a more frequent basis. I never seem to come to a sureness.

Yet, here I am. I think it may have something to do with it being a new year. And not only a new year, but a year of new beginnings.

My employer recently moved from one town to another (closer to home). We are in a completely new space (new everything!), and I also enter my tenth year with this company. A new year and new space is allowing for a new beginning, or a fresh start, which I have discovered I desperately need.

I also turn 50 this year. I close out a decade and begin a new one.

So yes, a new year with new beginnings! Why not begin writing again? Yes? No?

I am not sure where to begin though. I have always asked God to make the act of writing flow more naturally. I dislike the constant hardness of transferring thoughts from my mind to the written form. I seek perfection or the ability to write more like her (her being a long list of others who do this better). If I cannot be perfect or like her than why bother?

I know, such wrong thinking. I remain so very good at the wrong thinking. But God! New year, new beginning. He's at work in my mind and in my heart.

As I leave one decade and begin another, this is the clarity He has given me... I have given the enemy too much occupancy in my mind for far too long.

Not pretty enough.
Not thin enough.
Not smart enough.
Not enough.

And the not enough's give way to feelings of not-belonging. I see how much the not-enough's and not-belonging have impacted the extent to which I withdraw from connection. I have stopped showing up, unless if feels safe to do so.

In addition to the wrong thinking and it's effects, military life and far too much time apart from my husband is having it's own effects. We are pushing through and even though I don't understand or quite know how to explain all the emotions and hardness of this season, what I do know is our God is faithful and trustworthy one hundred percent of the time.

And though I feel like I am constantly stumbling in all my different roles, I believe His promise in Psalm 37:24 so very much, "though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:24

As I rest in His sovereignty and goodness, the hardness doesn't magically disappears but each day I experience His faithfulness to provide all that I need to make it through another day.

What does all this have to do with my one word -- the title of this post?

I sat with a dear friend recently - one who shows up regardless of how many times I tell her I remain in this place of believing I am not good enough. In a place of wishing He created me to be someone else - anyone but me. But if all He has created, and He created us in His image, is good, doesn't that apply to me too? I even went as far to say that I had begun to question if I was really a Christ follower.

As I said those words out loud to her the flood gates opened. The enormity of the lies... for I know I love the LORD our God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength (Deut. 6:5).

And then gradually through worship songs He led me to my one word. I saw how I needed to SING louder than my unbelief. And oh how I have been singing....

"I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief
I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody
I raise a hallelujah, heaven comes to fight for me."
Raise a Hallelujah

"And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God"
Goodness of God

There's a song in my soul
And I feel it stirring in me
This I know for sure
That Your love is like a flood
And Your mercy never ending
I give my song to You
Song in my Soul

So friends, I'm going to sing in the middle of this hardness. I'm going to sing louder and louder of His goodness and love. "Louder and louder you're going to hear my praises roar."

Let's sing a little louder together, shall we?

Filling The Void

2018-04-29T07:41:00.000-05:00

Hello there, friends!

I’m sitting here on this Saturday afternoon waiting for my Lemon Bundt cake to bake. I have never made a Lemon Bundt cake before. And I feel rather confident this first attempt won’t turn out so well. First of all, I have not previously zested a lemon and I believe I used too much flour. I probably could have added more buttermilk before I poured the batter into the Bundt pan. Anyways… we will wait and see what happens.

It has been a quiet few days here in my home. I tend to be intentional with filling up my calendar but scheduled plans this past week cancelled so I have had a free calendar since dinner with a dear friend on Tuesday night.

Let me just say the quietness has been hard. It makes me miss my husband a gazillion times more and missing him more often does not seem possible. But apparently it is.

I have plans tonight though. Woot! Woot! This is why I am making the Lemon Bundt cake. Two friends from my younger years (one I have known since Junior High and the other since High School) are coming over tonight. We are making dinner together…Chicken and Dumplings.

Do you recall me telling you I do not cook or bake?

I am not sure if there is a purpose to this post. I sat down to write as my eyes began to water…again. Ya’ll, I’m missing my husband something fierce. I do this and that to fill up my time but evening always comes and the only thing I want is to curl up on our sofa next to him. Instead I curl up with a blanket, a small glass of wine, and partake in whatever Netflix series I am in the midst of.

I have watched in its entirety Jane the Virgin and Rectify so far. Jane was entertaining and Rectify was incredibly moving and well done. I do not know what to watch next. Do you have any suggestions? It must be relatively clean, please.

Before the TV watching happens I attempt to be productive. I choose to engage my mind with good things – helpful things. Can I share a few of those “things” with you?

I am addicted to Emily Freeman. I adore her!! Like very much so!! She speaks to my soul through either her podcast “The Next Right Thing” or her book “Simply Tuesday.” Episode 10 of her podcast, Be Where You Are, has reminded me to slow down.

“God comes to me where I live and loves me where I am. If I am not where I am, God cannot meet me there.”

She reminds us to be where you are instead of rushing ahead to where you think you need to be. That is hard, friends, because I would give anything to rush ahead to my husband’s return home. But I am learning to trust that God is doing something very much needed in and through me right here and now.

****These silly tears… if only I could write why they come. This writing thing…it’s so darn hard. Oh how I wish you could gather with me at my table. I’ve got a Bundt cake!!****

I have been reading and listening much on how to listen well. Because as someone said on some podcast (I honestly can’t remember who or where), “Without intention, listening well will not happen.”

Heather Holleman has inspired me to give living with flair a try.

“Could I find a way to make every day joyful and meaningful? Just as a sentence turns into something beautiful with the right verb and punctuation, can I learn to revise my day and punctuate it with flair? Could I record something memorable--some evidence of God at work--every single day?”

Finding evidence of God – oh yes, there is evidence of God to be found, All. The. Time! Writing it down – I’m trying.

Francie Winslow is teaching me needed wisdom on bringing heaven into our home and how “it begins right here in our homes. In our bedrooms, living rooms, kitchens.” She’s all about helping us build our marriage connection. I cannot believe I am going there here, but her words of encouragement on how sex is a holy gift from God that connects two to become one… oh friends, I pray for me to see this rightly and to do this better when my husband returns home. There is so much room for growth here.

Francie and her Facebook group, Heaven In Your Home, introduced me to Java with Julie (aka, Julie Slattery of Authentic Intimacy). Two of her recent podcasts, “Navigating Different Views on Sexuality” and “Listening So People Will Talk” are so worth your listening time. In the second podcast she addresses parents of adult children becoming better listeners -- to give less advice and listen more -- to ask better questions so they will talk more. I tuned in rather intently to that portion.

And for quick inspiration, Lisa Whittle speaks right to my heart with her daily 5 Word Prayers podcast. She has a series that speaks to friendships and covers topics such as jealousy and comparison. I have a big struggle on these two topics with a coworker (I am the one with the jealousy and comparison problem) and I really need to as Lisa says, SQUASH IT!

Lisa ends one of those podcasts by saying, "Jesus is Everything. May He be your everything today." Sounds like a lovely way to end our time together.

May He be our everything!

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God's Providential Hand

2018-04-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

This past Friday, April 13th, my husband messaged me saying, “Today is 8 years complete.” On April 13, 2010 he enlisted in the Army Reserves.

My response… It has been a crazy 8 years.

Our military life journey began before the April 13th date. Maybe it began with me thinking I could forbid my husband to speak about our son potentially enlisting in the military. I actually stormed out on a dinner date with my younger sister and her husband because my husband had the audacity to bring up the topic yet again.

My standard response to the idea… No!! I will not have it.

I imagine our God has a sense of humor and I think every time I made this declaration He smiled with a hint of laughter for the story He had already written for us. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 19:11).”

Here we are 8 years later. I tried to forbid military life for our son and it became a way of life for us as a family. Even after my acceptance to this drastic life change (my husband was 41 at the time he enlisted) never could I have imagined what God had planned for us.

Our present reality is not the focus of this post though. The focus I desire is God’s sovereignty.

Because this I believe… that night when I stormed out of the restaurant and left my husband in the care of family to drive him home, God’s providential hand was at work. It had been at work in and through and over us all along writing our But God story with defining moments that would discipline us to get our attention. That night in the restaurant was one of those defining moments.

Another defining moment came when in a counseling session with our son and a counselor we used for several years for us individually and as a couple. Enlistment in the military came up in the discussion as an option for our son and my son’s response was, “My mom won’t let me.”

My son did not need my consent. He simply wanted my support.

He enlisted for the first time in the U.S. Navy on April 30, 2009 (there’s more to this story which involves a broken collar bone, a cancelled contract and another enlistment).

Another rather significant defining moment came when my husband approached me with his desire to enlist in the Army Reserves. I did not storm out of the restaurant we were in that evening when, dare I say, he bravely told me of this desire. Quite the opposite happened – I looked at him with overflowing admiration.

On September 18, 2010 we celebrated my husband’s departure for Basic Training and our son’s departure to soon follow in January 2011.

Seriously, we were not capable of dreaming up such a story. But God is able to write such a story.

I had every intention of winning in forbidding military life for our family. But God in turn used military life to draw us to Him (read story here). I can now look back and see His providential hand in those defining moments, and all the moments between, bringing us to where we are now.

I see God in all things. I can go back to the day I first told my husband I wanted a divorce. An early morning in bed where I sat up, looked at him convinced a life apart was the best way, and told him, “I can’t do this anymore.”

I see all the ways God put obstacles and storms in our path to redirect us to His way for us. I see all the ways God chased after us… where he was leaving the 99 to go after two.

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Reckless Love, Cory Asbury

As our Executive Pastor said in his sermon last Sunday on Jonah, Chapter 1 – “The Love of God chases us. He doesn’t give up on us.”

God was relentless in getting our attention to re-route us to Him with a soul purpose of life transformation – a new life with Him at the center.

The sovereign, providential hand of God did whatever was required to get us where we needed to be – in a relationship with Him - because of His overwhelming, never-ending reckless love for us. May our response to His discipline and love always be, “Lord, have your way with us.” I say this because I’m full aware there is much more work to be done.

But I am confident of this, “he who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).”

I have far extended my word count limit, friends. I pray the post to follow this will tell you what I desire to say when someone questions the realness of our God. I pray for boldness to speak of His most excellent way (1 Corinthians 12:31). I pray I never tire of giving thanks for HIS providential hand in my (in our) life.

“Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift! (2 Corinthians 9:15).”

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{More} Things I'm Discovering

2018-04-13T15:43:00.000-05:00

These things I’m discovering appear to be the easier posts to write. The many other things I want to tell you about – like the wonder and miracles He performs that truly cannot be counted – remain a process of moving thoughts from my head to paper. What I want to express seems to get lost in translation.

Source: Scripture Pictures

If we were to spend any time together face-to-face, you would find me apologizing often for my inability to express myself clearly… convinced what comes out are merely jumbled up thoughts.

You might tell me I’m doing just fine. I would thank you for being kind, and patient.

There really is much I want to tell you. It will come.

Until such time, it’s apparently a season of discovery so why not continue to share the discoveries with you? Okay? I shall make the assumption you're responding with an okay back to me. ☺

When invited to someone’s home, bring the hostess chocolates (one suggestion) instead of cut flowers. If you have your hearts set on cut flowers, come with a vase and arrange the flowers for your sweet hostess upon your arrival. I support this suggestion knowing if you were to show up at my home with cut flowers it would immediately throw off my “best hostess ever” intentions. While I’m sure your cut flowers would be beautiful, instead of me focused on greeting you as my honored guest I am instead frantically looking for the vase I know I do not own or went into hiding. Point being, lets be mindful of unnecessarily unraveling our sweet hostesses. I totally get not wanting to show up empty handed which is why I appreciated this wisdom.

True humility also includes not thinking less of yourself. My discovery… I need to work on my humbleness. Lord, make me humble.

Jesus commands us to "go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation (Mark 16:15).” And in Romans 1:16 we learn from Paul that we should not be ashamed of the gospel, “because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes.” This isn’t new knowledge, but an awakening in my heart to be obedient to all He commands and a prayer to be more bold and unashamed to share the best news EVER! Lord, please make this especially so with my children.

Speaking of prayer, I have come to realize I need to not only read about living more of a praying life, I need to get on with the business of praying. Like the on my hands and knees kind of praying. Not only is PRAYER my One Word for 2018, but as Priscilla Shirer writes in her book Fervant, “Prayer is the portal that brings the power of heaven down to earth. It is kryptonite to the enemy and to all his ploys against you” and the people you love. Lord, make me a prayer warrior.

Speaking of obedience, this may need to be my new life verse – “love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life (Deuteronomy 30:20).” In summary: love, obey and commit for He is our life. Lord, may I walk in a manner that reflects your reign in my life.

My heart’s desire is for deeper connection with woman but while this is my heart’s desire there can be circumstances when it’s so hard. I attended a party recently where there were brief signs of connection but I left knowing I gave Satan the upper hand (again) and let him steal my opportunity for joy. Lord, may I no longer let comparison be the thief of my joy. Like really, it needs to stop.

Speaking of connection, the lovely Shauna Niequist reminded me of the importance of having a friend who is brave enough to say something difficult to help bring you to the next level of growth. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses (Proverbs 27:6).” We need to tell each other the truth so we can get better. It may hurt but may we have a friend who can be trusted. Lord, thank you for my dear friend, Susan. She speaks truth even when it hurts but she has proven to be a safe place--someone I can trust. And, Lord, make me a safe place for another. Help me point them to You.

For fun… Everyone must have a globe (or many globes) in their home! ❤ I’m discovering most people do. Do you? I’m on the hunt for an antique globe for my oldest son and his wife for their new home.

We will end on that fun note. Truthfully though… go get yourself a globe if you don’t have one. It’s more fun to antique shop for one versus heading out to Hobby Lobby (mind you, their globes are cute and I would totally get wanting to walk out with one).

Thank you for gathering here with me, friend.

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Things I'm Discovering {The Harder Things}

2018-04-03T05:55:00.000-05:00

In my last post (read here) I shared with you the lighter side of the things I am discovering. Shall we move on to the harder things? What if we kick off with three more lighter things and then share two harder things? Can you tell I'm stalling on sharing the harder things?

The Lighter Things

Hospitality love - I love to extend invitations to family and friends to join me at my table. The unfortunate side of this is my inability to cook for said people. While I am sure a meal isn't a must for hosting, there is a dose of happiness which comes in serving others a meal. I have discovered if I keep it simple, I can scrounge up a decent meal. To date, I have made Sloppy Joe's for neighbors (it was literally the first time I delivered food to someone), an extra-large portion of Sloppy Joe's for our small group, a Pork Roast for my parents, and Turkey Taco Bowls for a church friend. Oh wait, I served up a baked potato bar for our small group once too (that didn't go well... who messes up potatoes???) Progress.

The lost art of a handwritten note love - I love sending them and I am oh so excited and blessed when I receive one. May this not be lost art anymore.

Turquoise love - It has become my most favorite color. It started with hubs giving me my wished for turquoise picnic table and has now become one of the accent colors in our newly renovated home. By the way, our turquoise table was in the news. You can read the article here. And read about the #FrontYardPeople movement here.

The Harder (darker) Things

Fear is a Liar - This truth is being made more clear to me. Even more so is the truth of who is behind the fear and the lies; Satan. He is the father of lies (John 8:44).

Since listening to Episode 2 of Emily Freeman’s podcast, I have been asking the question she says to ask before every hard decision (Is your decision being led by love or by fear?) even in the simpler day-to-day decisions because I know even in them I allow fear to take the lead.

In those simpler decisions, like pressing send on a text to invite a friend to coffee, I first lean toward devaluing who I am by highlighting my weaknesses and viewing myself as less-than. Armed with truth and a fresh perspective of who is behind the fear and the lies, I have come to see how frequent I allow Satan to lead in the simple and hard decisions versus God. How do I not let God (love) lead? His plans for me are for good and not to harm (Jeremiah 29:11); Satan’s plans not so much.

As Zach Williams sings in this song, “Fear, he is a liar. He will take your breath. Stop you in your steps. Fear is a liar. He will rob your rest and steal your happiness.”

But God: “By this I know that You delight in me: my enemy does not shout in triumph over me.” Psalm 41:11

That verse, friends... may we write this truth deep within our hearts. Christ has shouted victory over us.

Envy/Jealousy - On a not so long ago Sunday I had a full blown ugly cry episode with my husband via FaceTime.

A little background... One of the perks of him being stationed in Germany is the opportunity to travel Europe. On this particular Sunday he was in Poland. He had already been to Frankfurt, Germany and Amsterdam, Netherlands. With each trip my envy increased. I was the one who always wanted to travel outside of the US. I wanted what he had. I wanted to experience what he was experiencing with him. The underlying truth being I was jealous that the Army had him instead of me.

In this ugly cry episode with my husband, I was focused on my own selfish desires and with that saying, “I am not satisfied with your plan, God.” And this was causing strife in my marriage.

It just so happened that shortly after the ugly cry episode I landed on the verse Psalm 21:19: “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” Ouch

But God: “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

God brought me exactly where I needed to be, on my knees, in prayer, at His throne of Grace asking for mercy. And mercy is exactly what I received.

Envy and jealousy remains a struggle (not only in the matter with my husband) but I see God’s grace in bringing the sin to light so that He can set me free from it.

I had intentions of telling you what I’ve discovered about right thinking versus wrong thinking (Romans 12:3-8) but this post has reached my word count limit so we shall save the topic for another time.

As Emily Freeman ends most of her posts, "may grace surprise you kindly today."

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Things I'm Discovering

2018-03-26T19:53:00.000-05:00

Hello, sweet friends. It's me again. Waving hello.👋

My go-to conversation starter question when our small group meets is to begin with asking, "What was the highlight of your week?" My hope in asking this question is that everyone will have something to share. Because regardless of the hard circumstances we may be in the midst of, I pray we still see the providential hand of God in our lives... may we still be able to count His graces.

Source: Scripture Pictures

My response to the question (when we met last night) just so happened to be writing again. I praise God for a passion which remains and just maybe the time away from this space was needed to "fan into flame" this gift from God. The fire had never gone out; it only needed to be fed.

Does that make sense? Ya know, I always doubt that I make any sense. Deep sigh.

***

I thought I would take a few minutes (or more) to share a few things I'm discovering. Note... don't be expecting any big revelations... just some light-hearted discoveries. I'm easing my way back into this writing thing.

Here goes.

Podcast love - I had not previously taken the plunge into the podcast world but recently decided to give them a try. Emily Freeman's podcast, "The Next Right Thing," was at the top of my list. Several of you confirmed I made a wise choice. Thank you!! I have discovered two others I love. Here's the thing though, the most ideal way to listen to an episode would be in my car while on the way to work. But... I had a car accident with a steel pole (yes, just me and a steel pole, in my church parking lot, after a prayer meeting) which has the needed function to listen to podcasts not working. Annoying!! I must figure this out.

(Check out The Turquoise Table Podcast with Kristin Schell and The Simple Show with Tsh Oxenreider.)

Tattoo love - People have their opinions on getting tattoos. Is it biblically right or wrong to get one? I'm not expecting you to answer that, by the way. Regardless, I now have a tattoo on my wrist which simply says, "But God." I love all that led to getting this tattoo and everything about when and how it took place, and who I shared the experience with.

Wine and Netflix love - Friends, the evenings are oh so lonely at times without my husband. One glass of wine while watching the Netflix series "Jane the Virgin" makes those lonely evenings more bearable. Seriously, this show is quite entertaining and cute. It holds no comparison to "This is Us," mind you.

Family and Friends love - That glass of wine and Jane are often not needed because I have the bestest family and friends. Most evening and weekends I have plans to gather with either one friend or a few, and have recently had the chance to gather with a few family members too. This is truly the desire of my heart... rich and meaningful connections. Let's gather at a table, friends. Pretty please!!

Dove Dark Chocolate love - A chocolate a day brings me one day closer to my husband being in my arms again. Forget the chocolate kisses many use for count downs... I went directly to the good stuff! Yum!!

Dog love - I need God to cultivate within me a deeper love for my dog. Until such time, my dog is driving me crazy! I feel for him. I really do. He misses the man of the house lots and lots. But his missing has resulted in him whining All. The. Time. Lord, help me, please.

Travel blogs love - Why did I think these did not exists? Thank you, travel bloggers, for your wisdom on how best to tackle Prague and Vienna in a few days (future trip with hubs). Thank you awesome travel blogger person for not allowing me to visit Vienna without knowledge of the museum there dedicated to globes. If I discovered this after the fact I would have been heartbroken. Globe love!!!

Grandma love - I may not "officially" be a grandma yet but I know being one will be the best thing EVER! Oh goodness gracious... all the love!!!

I think the next post shall be the harder things I'm discovering... like the things Satan attempts to condemn me for BUT GOD in His grace gently convicts me instead. For example, I have a real issue with jealousy and comparison. Oh, it's ugly and it must stop.

More to come another day. Until then...as we move into this Easter week, may we set our eyes on Jesus and be mindful of His amazing gift.

“I am the resurrection and the life.

The one who believes in me will live, even though they die."

- John 11:25

Love or Fear

2018-03-24T08:14:00.000-05:00

Source: Scripture Pictures

Hello friends. Remember me? The one who at one time wrote semi-regularly in this place. I am not sure how to jump back in after almost a year since my last post. Much has happened since those All Together Lovely days I last told you about.

Shall I catch you up? Our family was busy in the second half of 2017.

Hubs gave me my wished for Turquoise table (May 2017)
Hubs and I launched a new small group through our church (July 2017)
Our youngest son got married (September 2017)
Hubs and I launched a full home remodel project (September 2017)
Our oldest son got engaged and then soon after they were married (November 2017)
Our youngest son and his wife announced they will welcome their first child (our first grandchild) in June of 2018 ---- it's a girl!
Hubs deployed (technically considered a mobilization) to Germany (December 2017)

Those are the highlights. Basically, they are the highlights which appeared on the back of our New Year's card. I made the decision to stop doing Christmas cards a few years ago and instead do New Year's cards. Why? Well, it eliminates an item from my to-do list during that oh so busy time of year and because I find it lovely when one more card appears in your mailbox a couple weeks after all the Christmas cards top arriving so I thought others might think so too.

Shall I catch you up on happenings in the first three months of 2018? The list isn't quite as long as it's only been three months.

Hubs is still in Germany (enter sad face)
Our new small group is AWESOME. Doing life together with people is challenging but I truly adore them. God uses them to bless me in unending ways.
Our eldest son and his wife moved to Nevada (his new duty station) and bought their first home.
Our youngest son and his wife bought their first home. They live in Wisconsin.
We finished our home remodel project. As many have told me, and I admittedly love to hear, it's Joanna Gaines like. Seriously, it's beautiful!! I can't believe this house is mine.

Shall I end here? Or should I actually tell you why this post is titled, "Love or Fear"? I could likely write a separate blog post on each new happening in 2018 but we will assume those are yet to come (if I actually keep up with this writing thing).

So love or fear? I am often late to the party but this past week I started listening to Emily Freeman's podcast series, "The Next Right Thing." She already has 28 episodes in this series so yes; I am way late to the party.

Anyways... her second podcast is titled, "Do This Before Every Hard Decision." And the "this" she says to do is to ask yourself, is your decision being led by love or by fear?

I'm not completely sure why I have decided to start here after many months of silence. I could start by telling why I chose PRAYER as my One Word for 2018. I could try to tell you why I was quick to say yes to my husband leaving again. Or I could tell you about a recent decision to try to live simpler. Yet, Emily's question struck a chord. Maybe because the question is one I could go back and ask to the different decisions just mentioned.

I have been wrestling with the need to make another decision and my response has leaned towards saying no.

Ya'll, I probably need to back track here as before landing on Emily's podcast I began reading a book on prayer (because it's my One Word). The first strategic prayer the author addresses is praying for our passion. My passion? It is stolen from Bible Study Fellowship... "To magnify God and mature His people as they cultivate a deeper relationship with Him."

In my own words, my passion is to lead women in growing in His word and in a relationship with Him. Oh how fear can lead me to not pursue this passion though.

But our passions are a gift from God. He has given me this desire and He is the one who fans it into flame inside of me. And the whole "fan into flame" has stuck a chord with me too.

"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands." 2 Timothy 1:6

Am I a bit all over the place with this post? It would be so much easier to sit across the table from you to share my heart on all these things. You and me at a table with a cup of coffee would be altogether lovely. Can we, please?

All this to say, on the decision I need to make... love is beginning to take more of the lead. All the fears which had me leaning towards no are valid fears (in my opinion) yet, "perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18)."

I need to mention I often fear misusing a scripture verse. There is so much I leave left unsaid or undone out of fear. So here I am letting go of fear and trusting God by attempting to pursue another passion He has given me and just maybe He is asking me to "fan into flame."

Writing...

I shall end here, friends. It was lovely to visit with you again. I have missed you.

All Together Lovely

2017-05-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

We welcomed home our son from his second seven-month deployment this week. I will not even try to describe the emotions with words for words are not needed – our first hug, captured by a photographer, says it all.

At the first sighting of his ship the tears began pouring out. Then there was a somewhat long pause in the tears as we waited for his ship to actually dock and for them to debark. It’s a slow process, friends.

Once we spotted him walking toward us, the tears poured out again.

They were tears of relief.
They were tears of pure happiness.
They were tears of praise.

Another deployment is behind us – four deployments are now behind us. Praise God neither my husband nor our son has another deployment looming before them.

For the first time since June 2016, our family would spend two full days together.

Of course, throughout our son’s deployment we prayed for his (their) safe return. As the months became weeks and the weeks became days, I found myself praying more earnestly for God to fill me with courage to speak His truth to our boys once we were finally together.

Truthfully, I prayed not only for that but for a “perfect” two days together.

I prayed for us to be a light – to point our boys and the women in their lives to Him. I prayed for our words to be praiseworthy and uplifting. I prayed for our conversations to be filled with love and joy.
I prayed for our conversations to reflect patience, kindness, and gentleness. I prayed for those conversations to be open and to simply overflow with goodness. I prayed for everything to be perfect!

I am sure it will not surprise you to hear our time together fell short of perfection. Go figure, right?

That is not to say we were not a light, or our words were not praiseworthy and uplifting. And certainly there were many moments where the fruits of the Spirit were displayed. At least I hope so.

But when I climbed into bed those two nights, I wrestled with questions like: What could I have done better? What could I have said differently? What should I have said that I didn’t say? What should I have done that I didn’t do? In what way(s) did I contribute to our time together being less than perfect?

After almost twenty-seven years of parenting our boys, I am still a work in progress on parenting and loving them well. I know we will never arrive at a state of perfection this side of heaven. Regardless of this knowledge, there’s a continual plea to God to help me parent and love them better.

Please, don’t let me (or us) be the one(s) to cause them to stumble.

Oh how I pray for God to help me to love them so well they would see and experience His love.

I know I can often be too hard on myself. I am frequently guilty of believing the “you messed up again” lies from the enemy. I know our children are aware of how much they are loved by us, whether or not we parent and love well all the time. But the deepest desire of my heart is for them to know how much they are loved by God.

Therefore, I will never stop praying for the things I pray. I think I shall stop praying for perfection though.

Instead, I will trust our Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Wholeness, everlasting, ever-present and never-failing God (Isaiah 9:6-7) to carry out His work in me to completion.

And I will praise Him for the grace upon grace He pours out on me every single day when I don’t do this parenting and loving thing well because there surely are plenty of days when I do not.

Most of all, I will keep looking to Jesus and I will love Him most so I will love our children best.

****

By the way, the two days our family spent together were in so many ways all together lovely.

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God's Perfect Timing

2017-05-09T05:00:00.000-05:00

I cannot get this clip from the movie “Independence Day” out of my mind as I begin this post. Click for Video: (I initially embedded the video but it would be an odd opening look for a new post after almost a year of not writing.)

Now mind you, most of you reading are likely girls (women is probably more true), nor am I ready to declare “I’m back.”

Yet, I’m back for at least today. We will wait to see what God has planned for the days to come.

I wrote my last post in July 2016. Shortly after my husband returned home for what we are unable to claim as home on a permanent basis (he’s still a soldier) but we are hopeful he will remain stateside for an extended period of time. Home for a minimum of two years is my prayer.

Our Navy son will soon receive a homecoming celebration with his second 7-month deployment close to the end. I realized recently this is the first time in four years (4 deployments in 4 years) I have one coming home and the other is not already scheduled to leave. Would you join me in a shout-out of praise before we move on?

Praise the Lord! He is good ALWAYS.

Thanks for that.

What has been up with the whole writing thing for me? Oh, I don’t know. There were many reasons why I needed to step away. One, my husband was home… need I say more?

It took me by surprise to watch a writing break move to more of a personal declaration that I am no longer a writer. I changed my blog site to private. I did the same with my blog Facebook page. And I used the Facebook “On This Day” feature to delete any blog related memory. Delete. Delete. Delete. That season is over.

I use the “On This Day” feature to eliminate another season from my timeline too. We will save this story for another time, maybe.

Truth be told, I had no issues with the season of writing coming to an end. Gradually, I stopped writing blog posts in my head. Do others find that exhausting? Oh, how my brain needed a rest.

Quick side note: I keep trying to avoid the word “that” because it’s considered a weak, overused and frequently not needed word but (another word claimed to be used too often) trying to avoid that word gets exhausting too. Not sure why I shared THAT with you. Moving on…

Can I switch gears and share something lovely with you? Would you read this blog post first?

He Loves Perfectly

Last month I had my first official gathering of women around our Old Oak Table. It was so much more than I dreamed it would be. The gathering was done in God’s timing, in God’s way and with God’s courage and strength. I cooked too. If you know me well you know I do NOT cook. I made turkey tacos which I say counts as cooking. It doesn’t need to be complicated to be called cooking.

I have no adequate words to describe the awesomeness and perfect timing of the evening.

Friends, I think THAT is all I have to say for now.

I got work to do, our youngest son to move (he will only be slightly over an hour away from us but geez the change will be hard) and our eldest son to welcome home. Life keeps moving. God keeps stretching and growing me (and us). There are many stories I could share with you of Him showing His faithfulness over and over again. And maybe I will, in time.

In the last post I wrote (all the way back on July 1, 2016) I shared with you a new go-to quote (new way back in July 2016):

“May I forget less and remember more that God will show Himself faithful.”

I am remembering more. For that I say, thank you, Lord.

If you are reading this, thank you! If you are one of the sweet writing friends I have made along the way, I have no right to expect you to read for I feel as though I have deserted our friendship along the way. I am sorry. You remain a blessing to me from God no matter where our relationship stands.

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Forget Less; Remember More

2016-07-01T13:34:00.000-05:00

I have a long sleeve shirt I purchased early on in our new to military life way of living. I do not recall where I purchased the shirt other than to say it was an online military faith-based site.

On the front of the shirt it reads, "Not even the military can mess with God’s plans."

The shirt has hardly been worn (maybe once or twice) but I threw it on one Thursday evening shortly before my husband returned home for a long weekend (Memorial Day Weekend). Because he tends to be rather observant, it did not take him long to ask about the shirt.

“Is that really in the Bible?”

Confused by his question, I looked down at the front of my shirt to read the quote again. I then noticed a scripture reference under the quote… Jeremiah 29:11

I, of course, went to the Bible to compare the quote to the verse it referenced. While not in those exact words, the Bible does indeed say not even the military can mess with God's plans. Nothing can mess with His plans.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

The smile on my face became more profound as I chuckled over God connecting the quote and verse for I have been guilty of frustration with God over the change in plans to my husband's second deployment. I have referred to the change as the no plan, plan.

As much as the nine months apart from my husband for his first deployment made me weary, God used the time apart to grow us both spiritually and as a couple. While I did not expect the second deployment to be completely similar to the first, deep down I had a longing for God to do the same work in us again.

New growth quickly revealed itself the second time around.

My husband connected to a church and a men's Bible study once arriving at what would be his home for nine months. He was in God’s word. These were answers to long awaited prayer requests. And our conversations via Skype were some of the best we've had.

Thank you, God. I can do this again if you will do your thing again.

Then plans abruptly changed.

Certainly I had much joy and peace in my heart to have my husband stateside; however I perceived the changes as God taking away answers to prayer.

My husband was no longer attending a weekly church service.
He was no longer connected to a men’s Bible study.
He was no longer spending time in God’s word.
Skype connections were not good which left us both frustrated.

Why, God? You asked him to go and we obeyed. Where is the blessing for our obedience?

But God, His ways are not our ways. His plans are always perfect and they come to fruition in His perfect timing.

I have created my own new go-to quote: "May I forget less and remember more that God will show Himself faithful."

Friends, like those Israelites, I forgot and I did my fair share of grumbling for things not going the way we planned for them to go. Let's consider for a moment if plans had gone the way we had planned, or let's say the way the military had led us to plan for...

This picture I now have of my family together again (together for an outdoor church service too!) would not exist for we would still be waiting for my husband to return home.

My husband eventually connected with a church too. And I know I can trust God with the other things. Thankfully, my husband is now home and we don’t need to fret about Skype connections!

I prayed for God to do again what He did in us and through us during my husband's first deployment. I thought my prayer went unanswered.

But God did answer. The ways He did it again may look different, yet the end result is the same... all praise and glory to our God. For all we've been given, all the together moments, all the growth, is only because of Him.

"I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever." Psalm 86:12

Yes, friends, not even the military can mess with God’s plans! Praise God! He is good ALWAYS!

May we forgot less and remember more that He will show Himself faithful.

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Sharing with AWN’s Monthly Recon Rendezvous Link-Up Party, Jennifer Dukes Lee for her Tell His Story Link-Up and the Let Us Walk Worthy Link-Up.

The Bible: Real Places, People and Time

2016-05-18T16:12:00.000-05:00

I have heard people say the stories in the Bible are not real stories. The stories have been referred to as either mythological or a collection of fables. Jesus walked on this earth and did tremendous things but is He really the Son of God? Was He really raised from the dead? And what about the stories in the Old Testament? Are they all just stories?

Years ago I had a conversation with a pastor about the parting of the Red Sea. I told him of my struggle to make sense of it. The pastor responded to my doubts saying, "Beth, it's only a story." Maybe I misunderstood his response. One thing I can say for certain though, the conversation led me to believe God’s parting of the Red Sea was nothing more than a story; He did not really part the Red Sea.

It has been over fifteen years since the conversation with the pastor. I now know every word in the Bible is God-breathed. Every word is truth. Every story in the Bible, Old and New Testament, is about real places, real people and real time.

Every story is a real story. The parting of the Red Sea... God did just that.

When the conversation with the pastor took place I was in the midst of the hardest time in my life. I had left my husband. I barely stood at the weight of somewhere between 90-100 pounds. If I had more bravery I would have chosen death over life. Friends, choosing life is brave. Depression and an eating disorder, which in itself could have taken my life, were my Red Sea.

What if I had been told God really did part the Red Sea for Moses and the Israelites? What if I had been told the Bible is all Scripture breathed out by God (2 Timothy 3:16). What if I had been told the truth of the Gospel right there and then?

“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.” (Titus 3:4-7)

I needed to believe in God. I needed to believe Jesus Christ was the Son of God who died for my sins, was buried, and rose again on the third day. I needed to believe God could part my Red Sea and bring me safely over to the other side.

How would have knowing this truth fifteen years ago changed my life?

Let me be clear, I believe I came to know Jesus Christ and His saving grace in the exact way and time He intended. I might not understand why it happened the way it did but when we choose to follow Jesus it's not for logic or reason. Most of the time the call to follow Him will not make sense. He asks us to put our trust in Him and follow despite lack of logic or reason.

Here’s the truth, we are not saved by simply believing Jesus walked on this earth. We are saved when we believe in who He said He was (the Son of God) and what He claimed He would do and did (save the world). We are saved through faith in Him.

This faith includes believing every word in the Bible comes from the mouth of God. And every word gives us life and life to the fullest (John 10:10)

I no longer question the truth of His word. The question on my heart is who, Lord, in my life stands at their Red Sea wondering if You could really fight for them like You really did fight for Moses and the Israelites? Like You fought for me?

“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent” Exodus 14:14.

If I want God more than anything else this must include wanting others to know Him and the truth of His Word more than anything else.

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Planting Seeds

2016-04-29T06:09:00.000-05:00

On Easter Sunday I returned home from spending four days with our oldest son, who lives in a Southern California. We had much needed mother/son bonding time.

We took in a sunset.
We hiked.
We were lazy at the beach.
We visited the small town of Julian and ate its delicious pizza and devoured its famous apple pie.
He cooked for me and I cooked for him (the one and only meal I know how to make).
We jet skied.
We met up with my sister and her family.
We relaxed via mostly decent TV entertainment.
We chatted.
We had our way of bonding.

It makes me sad that he lives in a different state but I wonder if he lived closer whether would we have weekends like the one we had. The distance forces us to be intentional.

Our youngest son lives only 15 minutes away. When he shows up without my prior knowledge of him coming, I get all giddy. If he was only stopping through briefly my reaction usually convinces him to stay longer than intended. Then there are the days when he sends me a text inviting me over for dinner. Umm. Yes! Absolutely, I will come. I willingly change other plans to be there.

One of my younger brothers (I have three younger and one older) asked me recently what similar traits my boys have. This question stumped me at the time as they are different as night and day. I ponder this question again and would have to say our boys are both kindhearted people you can count on to be in your corner.

Because they have such different personalities, I find my relationships with them to be different.

The youngest will talk my ear off and conversations with the oldest require me to take the lead. He knows I will come prepared with discussion questions to keep our conversation moving along.

The youngest is not so much a hugger and the oldest allows me to fully wrap my arms around him and linger. It might have something to do with the number of see-you later moments we have had. He's grown to know his mom needs those hugs. With the youngest no longer living at home I have a feeling he may catch on to my hugging needs.

The youngest has a joyful spirit and comfort in his own skin which made it a tad bit easier to send him out into the world. The oldest does not as easily see the decent man he is (a trait he inherited from his mom). To compensate, I am guilty of attempts to protect from the sinfulness of the world.

The youngest did not test our parenting abilities quite so much (yet still had his moments) while the oldest too often saw our inability to parent well when tested.

The youngest likely does not remember the hard, hard seasons. The oldest has always been more sensitive and acutely aware of my sadness when hard seasons come.

Maybe another similar trait our boys share is they both know their parents are always in their corner, despite all the times we messed up parenting.

Time with either one of our boys usually leaves me somewhat sentimental afterward. The together moments are fewer and farther between. I have discovered a profound love though for being a mom to adult children. It fills my heart with joy to witness the fine young men they have become.

On a recent drive home after a day at the office K-Love played on the radio. The host referenced the importance of planting seeds in the early years of children.

I have thought of this before in terms of our lack of planting good seeds in our children's lives. We certainly did not plant faith seeds as we did not become Christ followers until our early 40s.

While I certainly agree it becomes harder to have a proper influence (or to instill meaningful values) in our children's lives after a certain age, good seeds (and faith seeds) can be planted at any age.

I am not sure if I am referencing this planting seeds phrase correctly. You understand what I am trying to say, right? The early childhood years are crucial development years.

But I consider how God makes all things new. I am not the person I once was. My mind has been renewed to a new way of thinking. God is making me to be more like His son with each passing days. The same applies to my husband.

We messed up in many ways during the early years of children's lives. Heck, we were messing up in their teenage years too. We are imperfect people who sin daily and still make not so smart choices in our parenting decisions. However, there is a profound difference in the way we parent our children now compared to back then for we are different people.

My point being, we now have a more positive influence in our children's lives. We plant good seeds. We focus on planting seeds to draw them closer to Him knowing our role is in the planting. God ultimately determines when their hearts our softened to know the truth and for the truth to set them free (John 8:32).

Maybe the point is really this: I don't let go of hope. I hold on to Him. I allow Him to continue to do the work He is doing in me.

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." ~ Philippians 1:6

I trust Him to work through me, and others, to win the hearts of my unsaved children for our God "is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20).

As I give thought to the differences in our children and the differences in my relationship with them, I find another similarity… hints of our Almighty God moving in their life. They may not yet know Him the way we know Him, but I see His light beginning to shine through as He transforms their way of thinking.

With this, I fall on my knees and say, "Thank you, Lord."

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He Loves Perfectly

2016-03-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

Several posts ago, the one on twirling, I mentioned I had attended an IF:LOCAL gathering. Then I briefly told you of a long-time desire to gather women around my table. I told you I intended to stop talking and instead “trust God and move.” I also said if you did not see a post on this gathering by the end of March it meant I needed encouragement in the bravery department.

It is almost the end of March…

I gave deep thought to what to call this gathering of women (a catchy name is a must), and who to invite. A part of me loved the idea of posting an open invitation on Facebook to local friends. Typical to my nature, I questioned the idea. Various discussion ideas played out in my head. Mainly, I knew I had to trust God with the details by letting go of control and any expectations I had for this gathering.

Truth be told, I lost bravery quickly and did nothing.

Then a dear friend who had joined me at the IF:LOCAL sent me a text to tell me of the step of faith she had taken. In her text she included a copy of the invitation she would soon send to those invited to gather at her table.

My initial reaction: JEALOUSY!

My next reaction (because let us not park long on jealousy.): Be brave, Beth. If God has placed this desire on your heart He also asks you to step out in faith.

So I got brave and designed an invitation with the help of Paperless Post.

The catchy name was going to be "A Table of Hope Builders"

Then I lost bravery again when it came time to add the names of those on my heart to invite. The enemy gained a foothold on my thoughts.

What makes you think anyone wants to gather around your table?
No one will show up.
Don't press that send button, Beth.

Enter, deep sigh.

I had not fully given up on the idea. I have been in God's Word long enough to know lies versus truth. And I so want to be finished with believing lies.

It sure felt like God was closing the door on this gathering though.

A whirlwind of changes began when my husband returned to the states much sooner than planned due to medical issues. Rightfully so, all other plans came to a halt. The gathering of women around my table would need to wait, or maybe my heart's desire (my prayer) was to go unanswered.

On the other hand, God often answers our prayers differently from what we specifically pray for, giving us the opportunity to see Him in a new way

"God takes something little--a small request--and replaces it with a much bigger answer." ~ Kelly O'Dell Stanley, Praying Upside Down

This past Saturday, the Saturday I had intended to gather women around my table, without an official invite extended, two ladies at two different times joined me at my table. As I hugged and said good-bye to the second lady I had a moment of sudden realization. God had answered my prayer.

Maybe He did not answer with what we might call a much bigger answer, but the right answer. Because God’s ways are always right; they are abundantly above all that can we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).

God answered another prayer too.

Since the day my husband departed for his second deployment I had asked God to make our time apart go quickly. Please God, make this time of separation not feel like forever for there are days when it feels like forever until I will see him again.

He replaced my small request with a much bigger answer. I may not fully understand why He answered this way but as I have said previously, the why does not matter. And God did not cause my husband's injury to bring him home sooner; He allowed and used a circumstance to accomplish what He had always intended… an earlier reunion for two people who obediently said yes to His calling (another deployment) but also longed to be together again.

As I navigate a season of change and uncertainty, God reminded me of a truth I desperately need to cling to: God can be trusted to love perfectly. “God's way is perfect. All the LORD's promises prove true” (Psalm 18:30).

So in the midst of this somewhat difficult season, I will praise Him. For when we belong to Him we will always find Him to be Faithful and True (BSF notes). He alone gives us joy today and forever.

It is well with my soul…

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A Blessed Reunion

2016-03-14T20:32:00.000-05:00

My husband's first homecoming, after a nine month deployment, came with much pomp and circumstance. {Preview here}

This homecoming came with a quiet, thankfully uneventful, seven hour drive to Kentucky, a big ol' smile directed to the security guard (because I was rather joyful over my arrival) as I crossed through the military base gate, a last minute "oh my goodness" moment when I realized I had no makeup on (even though hubs could care less about makeup) and then a look out the front window of the car to see my husband walk toward me.

There was no fanfare; there was just the two of us.

He warned me ahead of time not to jump on him. You see, the different kind of homecoming came because he returned home early due to medical issues that arose while deployed.

I ran to him with a squeal of excitement. Per his request not to jump on him, I instead hugged him gently. He still squirmed from bursts of pain. Then we walked hand and hand, smile to smile, to pack him up for our weekend retreat.

He may look fine in pictures and to passer-byers, yet this warrior of mine is not fine. Several herniated discs in his neck have him in constant discomfort. I saw the level of discomfort rather quickly during our hour drive to Shelter Point Retreat on Kentucky Lake in Murray, Kentucky. Oh my poor husband. He couldn't get out of the car quick enough.

But here at this lovely home of a dear friend through blogging, we celebrated our reunion.

The why did it happen this way and what happens next did not matter. God perfectly designed our reunion in His perfect timing.

****

I have noticed my ability to compare. I compare myself to others way more than I would like to admit and I also compare my own experiences to each other. I have done much comparing of this homecoming to the last one. Both types of comparisons can steal your joy.

Maybe the comparison of homecomings happens because I believe a service member’s homecoming should be what my husband received when he returned home from his first deployment. That homecoming lived up to my expectations; it exceeded my expectations.

And maybe, more so likely, God seeks to teach what I should already know: it's not about us and our expectations... it's about Him.

It's always about Him.

God determined when and how my husband would return home from his first deployment and his second deployment. He determined one would have fanfare and one would be more intimate. Both equally appropriate and beautiful because God had returned my husband to U.S soil, into my arms and then gave us precious moments together. “To God be the glory forever and ever! Amen.”

As I reflect on the last few days with the man I love, there is no place for comparison. I only have room for gratitude.

Gratitude to God for my husband’s safe return home.

Gratitude to God for the time we had together.

Gratitude to God for the special lady He placed in my life who gave us a most wonderful gift: A warm and loving place of shelter. A place of shelter which ultimately pointed me back to the One who is our shelter and provides everything we need.

The name Shelter Point Retreat is a rather appropriate name for her gem of a home on the lake.

If you are in need of a getaway, I highly recommend you check out my friend's place. Visit the VRBO listing here and the Facebook page here. Kristin also writes about her retreat home here. It's more lovely than I could describe or show through photos.

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The Unchanging One

2016-03-08T08:00:00.000-06:00

I must admit, I remain unsure of God's desire for me when it comes to writing. It stays low on my priority list. Maybe I expect the process and results to be similar to what it once was. Maybe God seeks to teach me to simply trust in Him.

So I write when I sense He's prompting me to write. If time between posts become days, weeks or months, all will be well. If readership plummets from inconsistency (or the other things which can positively impact readership) all will be well. If grammar and punctuation are downright awful, all will be well. It needs to be because I'm done with the fight to be something or someone I am not.

Just write and trust Me. Honestly, the writing part can be harder than the trust part. I do not know where to begin with the writing. I know Him, at least better than I once did, and I know He can be trusted.

Now, if we sat together over coffee I would likely ramble on and on. Our time together might come to an end with me wondering if I allowed adequate time for you to spill your guts out too. I dislike the thought that I may have made it all about me. I want to hear from you too… I really do. Please God, whatever I said, may it have pointed to You.

I have much to tell you. God continues to transform me in mighty ways. Discover could be my one word for 2016, if I were to choose a word. I discover new truths about myself and also about God. The truths about me are not easy to accept yet necessary.

The truths about God... Oh may we not be done uncovering more truths about God until the day He brings us home and reveals all the mysteries.

I see God in all things. I hope I point to God in all things. Like when I admit to a heart struggle, I hope you know my faith remains grounded in who He is and His promises. There are admittedly days when I am shaken. But when those days come, I know where to go: Gods Word, prayer and godly friends.

I wrote the first part of this post several weeks ago and I now chuckle over the title I chose. Only God could know how much the truth of how He's unchanging would be needed right now. Because truthfully, friends, I struggle lately with change. And I struggle with good change, which seems so crazy.

For reasons, I have said little about my husband's deployment in this space. However, if we are friends on Facebook you may have caught wind of news that my husband is back in the states. This happened much sooner than planned. I obviously prefer his boots be planted on U.S. soil rather than foreign, unsafe soil.

But this is a change from laid out plans and I often do not handle change well.

The previous plan: I would see him again September-ish. I did not love this plan but I had accepted it and fallen into somewhat of a routine.

The new plan: there is no plan. He's not home and I don't know when he will be home. He's back due to medical issues (not life threatening but significant enough for the mission to end early for him.) and we do not have answers on how the medical issues will be addressed.

He's been back for several days and now resides only 7 hours away from me (we are actually in the same time zone) but we wait for our chance to see each other. I'd love for it to be easy to pack up and go, but it's not.

[Thankfully we now have a plan in place to see each other soon.]

His unplanned return impacts other plans too. Please don't hear me wrong, this is not a complaint; just truth.

Bottom line: the changes, the unknown and the waiting have shaken me some.

The truths I cling to are:

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8 (NIV)

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 (NIV)

"The grass withers, and the flowers fade, but the word of our God endures forever." Isaiah 40:8 (NIV)

"The Lord's plans stand firm forever; His intentions can never be shaken." Psalm 33:11 (NLT)

It is well with my soul, friends. It really, really is. But it is well with my soul only because of who He is and because I am His. No matter the changes, unknowns or time of waiting, that truth is enough for me.

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And the twirling returns

2016-02-09T08:00:00.000-06:00

Topics I could write about here in this space twirl through my head again. They had stopped for a period of time. It could also be I stopped paying attention. In any case, they are twirling again.

A decision on the topic I want to explore with you takes longer to come. I want the process of writing to come with more ease so I pray for God to be clear on the topic and timing. Then, “Please, God, let the words flow. If you could take care of the grammar and so forth, that would be great too. Amen!”

I could write on deployments and how the second time around is so very different from the first.

I could likely write on various topics when it comes to deployments. Does it make sense to say I find the topic to also be very personal? There's an intimacy experienced with my husband and also with God meant only for me. Maybe my encouragement on deployments should simply be this... Don't minimize what God can do.

I could write on prayer. God does a mighty work in my heart on how prayer really works. He challenges me to look closer at my current prayer life. Where does it lack? What is prayer and what should it look like? He provides a new perspective through books like, the Power of a Praying Wife and Praying Upside Down.

I could write on feelings and how they can be so deceptive. Satan does his usual thing... he attempts to steal my joy but seriously, take a hike loser!! I'm done with you.

I could write on another life change I will soon embark on. Instead, for security purposes hubs and I have decided the topic should be left for another time. Like most life changes, it won't be an easy one. At the same time, I see God hand me another opportunity to go deeper with Him.

I could write on spiritual growth too. Where to begin though? God is just so good!

Oh, I could totally write all about the IF:LOCAL I attended this past weekend! Let’s talk about gathering around tables!!! It has been a desire of mine for far too long to gather women around my table. I need to stop talking and move. Trust God and move. Would you please nudge me if you do not see a post from me by the end of March on my first gathering? If you do not it means I need encouragement to be brave.

Friends, I move slower these days. I'm present more. Priorities are rightly aligned. Not perfect yet right for this season. The days are not easy. I miss my husband more and more with each passing day. I also love him more and more with each passing day.

And I'm reminded of my two favorite words in the Bible daily.

“But God.”

I hold tightly to those two words. No matter what we may endure, we are to trust and wait on God. He has a “But God” story for us. Actually, we are already in the midst of our “But God” story for “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28). We find the ultimate good He accomplishes in verse 29: “For those God foreknew He also predestines to be conformed to the image of His son.”

“God is able to use everything in life, good or bad, to make His children more like Jesus.” Bible Study Fellowship

Be comforted by this truth.

Draw near to Him. “Taste and see that He is good” Psalm 34:8.

And listen to this…

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