Simply Ridiculous

The Chronicles Of Chuck Norris - Part 4

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 18:02:00 +0000

Neil Armstrong was the first person to walk on the Moon. Chuck Norris was the first person to walk on the sun.

The Chicken crossed the road because Chuck Norris said so.

Godzilla started attacking Texas so Chuck Norris attacked Tokyo.

Chuck Norris can make Brock Lesnar tap out just by agreeing to a fight.

A cobra once bit Chuck Norris's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris' watch doesn't have numbers on it. It just says "Time to Kick Ass."

The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Chuck Norris has been there, in which case it is soaked with blood and tears.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

Chuck Norris holds the Guinness World Record for most beard related killings.

Chuck Norris was "He Who Must Not Be Named" to Lord Voldemort.

Chuck Norris once used a Black Widow spider as a safety pin.

Chuck Norris can chew water.

Freddy Krueger is afraid Chuck Norris will fall asleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't compete, he wins.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew tobacco. He chews gun powder.

Chuck Norris washes down his liquor with some steak.

Bloody Mary is afraid to say Chuck Norris three times.

When Chuck Norris was abducted by aliens, he probed THEM.

Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired.

Some people go down Niagra Falls in a barrel. Chuck Norris went up Niagra Falls in a cardboard box.

As the old saying goes: "If you can't beat them, you're not Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can't "love", he can only "not kill".

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just fights backwards.

When life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he just makes orange juice.

Rattlesnakes need antivenom when they bite Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't drink Gatorade. He drinks acid mixed with glass shards.

Chuck Norris won a marathon on a treadmill.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry - he actually ate an Indian.

The sun should never look straight into Chuck Norris.

Whoops! Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the fact that was here.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris sang rain, rain go away, and it did.

Chuck Norris downloads his Xbox 360 games from the Playstation store.

Which came first? Chuck Norris or the Roundhouse Kick?

Chuck Norris stops for gas when his meter says "Full".

Chuck Norris can moonwalk forward.

Chuck Norris has his meat so rare that he only eats unicorns.

Bears play dead when they are attacked by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts all his eggs in one basket.

When Chuck Norris wears Crocs, he's actually wearing two Crocodiles.

Chuck Norris does not go fishing, he goes basskicking!

All your bases belong to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only man who can live with and without women.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a remote for his TV because he is always in control.

Chuck Norris is so fast that he can visit 12 planets at the same time.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

When Chuck Norris calls the doctor, pigs will fly and hell with freeze over.

Chuck Norris can tweet with more than 140 characters.

Every July, sharks watch Chuck Norris week.

The Soup Nazi let Chuck Norris have as much soup as he wants.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on Earth after the Rapture. He will spend his time fight the Anti-Christ.

The first rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris made Bart Simpson eat his won shorts.

Contrary to the popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he lears Chuck Norris is.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris was once the FBI's chief negotiater. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and won.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris has the eyes of an angel and the sould of a saint. He keeps them in a shoebox under his bed.

Chuck Norris' calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris rides a Tyrannosaur when he goes shopping.

Chuck Norris doesn't like lizards, that's why he killed the dinosaurs.

Chuck Norris talks about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris can see John Cena.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked", you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

When God said, "Let there be light.", Chuck Norris said: "say please."

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

We all dream about Perfection. Perfection dreams about Chuck Norris.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Superman's weakness is Kryptonite. Kryptonite's weakness is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wins games he isn't playing.

Chuck Norris can simply walk into Mordor.

Chuck Norris found Waldo - before the books came out.

Chuck Norris doesn't fart. Nothing escapes Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can skip a stone underwater.

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris gives the doctor a lollipop after his visits.

Chuck Norris showers in children's tears.

Chuck Norris had an Iphone - before Steve Jobs was born.

Chuck Norris doesn't count sheep to get to sleep. He counts skulls.

Chuck Norris haunted a ghost once and forced it commit suicide.

Chuck Norris once won a staring contest with Medusa.

Chuck Norris doesn't quit smoking. Chuck Norris never quits.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a klondike bar.

Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

Chuck Norris found the needle in the haystack. And Roundhouse Kicked it.

Chuck Norris doesn't use toothpaste. He uses concrete.

M&M's melt in Chuck Norris' hand.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

(To Be Continued.)

Last Day Of Osama Bin Laden On Facebook

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sun, 15 May 2011 18:19:00 +0000

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, inside a cave, or in a massive mansion in plain sight with no phone or Internet service, you’re well aware of the fact that U.S. forces took down the world’s public enemy number one in a daring raid of Osama bin Laden’s posh compound in Abbotabad, Pakistan. Prior to covert Navy SEALs going down and taking care of al-Qaeda-centric business, the poster boy for terrorism was enjoying a day like any other at home in the sleepy Pakistani military town. So how did Osama bin Laden spend his final hours on this Earth?

Here’s his facebook updates from his last day on planet Earth…

6:00 AM Just woke up... Ah!! Sleeping on rock hard mattress is bad for my aging back. Hope we get an Ikea soon.

6: 10 AM Hung over from drinking bad Pakistani... uh I mean Afghani... uh... "cave in an undisclosed location"-i liquor...

7:13 AM No, Mom, I don’t need a coat. It’s April and we’re in Pakistan. I’ll be fine.

7:38 AM Wow!! 170 people following my updates in Twitter. Far more than from the American Army!

8:00 AM Newspaper time. Khalid returns home with The Statesmen, Daily Mail and US Weekly. Can you believe that Lindsay Lohan? And they call me crazy!

9:11 AM What time is it now?? Get my joke… It’s 9:11 again.. :)

10: 30 AM Can someone check if any Jews worked on Star Wars? I want to nickname my dialysis machine ‘R2-D2.’

10: 46 AM Dammit, Katy Perry sings ‘Hot N Cold’ so well, it almost makes me hate America slightly less than I do right now.Almost.

11: 53 AM Just had an International sleeper cell conference call on Khalid’s iPhone, Played Angry Birds for the first time!!

12: 37 PM As subhuman and evil as the Jews are, I’ll tell you one thing, they sure do know how to salt and cure their meats, that’s for sure.

1: 11 PM “Help the orphans in America. Facebook will donate 1 cent to charity for each status update with this message. Please spread the message around.”

1: 30 PM They should make a Fast and the Furious movie about me. I own like a hundred cars. They always make me the bad guy in movies for some reason. Go figure.

2: 01 PM Guys, it’s seriously starting to get to the point where I’m thinking maybe we can put another six months into this whole terrorism business and then just call it a day.

3: 14 PM Shhhh! Do you guys hear that? I swear to God that I just heard helicopter noise. Ahmed, did you buy a helicopter to surprise me?

4: 09 PM Yippee!! The Pakistan Government just awarded me the Hide N Seek champion. 10 years in a row from 2001 to 2011!!

4: 45 PM I just followed another link to one of these fucking websites saying that the US government is responsible for 9/11. That’s fucking ridiculous. The Kennedy assassination? Sure. AIDS? Absolutely. But 9/11? Come the fuck on. Give some credit where credit’s due.

5:12 PM Just sent a friendship request to Obama. Enough to make him crap in his pants!!

5:25 PM Did you guys know that there is an entire Wikipedia page called ‘Criticism of Osama bin Laden.’ I bet my fifth wife wrote it. Or may be the sixth?? Hah! Hah! Hah! Hah! But seriously, guys…

6: 15 PM Browsed the copy of Kama Sutra. Picked the best positions for eventual use with the 72 virgins in heaven!!

7: 11 PM Just ordered in Mutton Palak from the New Kaghan Cafe. Love that place! Delivery guy was wearing ear piece last time, should look into that, I’m sure it’s nothing.

7: 45 PM Did I hear something in the backyard? Must be the llama getting restless again.

8: 11 PM Ah, fuck.

8: 13 PM Whoa whoa whoa. Hold on hold on hold on. Wait! I need something cool to say before I go out. Hmmm. How’s this: KISS MY GRITS! Ew. That sucked. Wait, let me think of something el–

8: 21 PM Wait a second. Where am I? You guys aren’t virgins.

The Chronicles Of Chuck Norris – Part 3

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sat, 14 May 2011 19:25:00 +0000

If you want to commit suicide, all you need to do is say: “Chuck Norris is a loser.”

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to exist.

Chuck Norris is on top of the food chain, even above other humans…

When Chuck Norris falls down the stairs, someone else’s leg breaks.

The Bermuda Triangle use to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.

The Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game… with a golf ball.

Chuck Norris once executed a lethal injection with a condemned man.

Chuck Norris has more friends on Facebook than there are people in the world.

Chuck Norris can throw a cat like a boomerang.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

You have nothing to fear but fear itself – and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris seasons his steaks with pepper spray.

Chuck Norris never met a man he didn’t like… who then continued living.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris, He is the end of all things.

Instead of taking a shower, Chuck Norris once rode a grizzly bear through a car wash.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

A Chuck Norris- delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Death once had a “near Chuck Norris” experience.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can fast forward live TV.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have solar panels, but he does have blood panels.

Chuck Norris eats toasted marshmallows while they are still on fire.

Chuck Norris once created a sonic boom by blinking.

Chuck Norris can lick his tongue with his elbow.

Chuck Norris runs Windows 7… on his Etch-A-Sketch.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling “Bang!”

When a dog bites Chuck Norris, it gets rabies.

Chuck Norris’ mother could feel him roundhouse-kicking in her womb.

Instead of listening to music, Chuck Norris listens to machine gun fire.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with one card.

When playing Texas Hold Em, Chuck Norris went all in with a hand of Pokemon cards… and won.

Chuck Norris fired every boss he ever worked with.

Chuck Norris doesn’t love Raymond.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need Twitter… he is already following you.

When Chuck Norris drinks beer, he prefers the tears of the Dos Equis man. And Chuck Norris is always thirsty.

Chuck Norris washed his clothes in the ocean but he had to stop because the tsunamis were injuring too many people.

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.

When Lucifer fell from heaven, he begged God to take him back because Chuck Norris wanted a piece of him.

Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still got out of the Matrix.

Chuck Norris appeared as a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice. He fired Donald Trump.

When you open a can of Whoop Ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Prisons don’t keep society safe from criminals. Prisons keep criminals safe from Chuck Norris, for now.

Chuck Norris’ mother spanked him once. Once.

Chuck Norris learned to kill before he could crawl.

Chuck Norris does not get frost bite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

The sheep on Chuck Norris’ farm are the ones that give us steel wool.

Chuck Norris is so fast that he can lock a drawer and leave the key inside.

Some children play House. When Chuck Norris was young, he played God.

Chuck Norris once taught a class called “Ass Kicking 101”. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce for eye drops.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kill 99 percent of all bacteria.. as a warning to the other 1.

A handicap spot means Chuck Norris will handicap you if you park there.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming with sharks, the sharks need to be in a safety cage.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Some kids play “Kick the Can”. Chuck Norris used to play “Kick the Stick of Dynamite”.

Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the world economy.

When Chuck Norris gets pimples, he doesn’t buy a cream. He just shaves harder.

Chuck Norris doesn’t put sugar in his coffee. He uses chillis instead.

Chuck Norris can suck a mosquito’s blood.

Don’t worry about monsters under the bed. Worry if Chuck Norris is in your state.

Chuck Norris shaves with a hacksaw.

Barbwire wants a tattoo of Chuck Norris.

When a doctor listens to Chuck Norris’ heart through a stethoscope, he only hears machine gun fire.

The dinosaurs made Chuck Norris made… once.

Chuck Norris once butchered a knife with a cow.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris can burn the sun with a magnifying glass.

Chuck Norris first got chest hair at the age of 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris can bungee jump without a rope.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Chuck Norris can apperate into Hogwarts.

Chuck Norris plays soccer with a bowling ball wrapped in barbed wire.

Lord Voldemort is to Chuck Norris as Elmo is to Freddy Kruger.

Chuck Norris’ pee can block the toilet.

God doesn’t say Chuck Norris’ name in vain.

Chuck Norris won the Daytona 500. While driving a bumper car. With no pit stops.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

Lightening does not strike Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris strikes lightening!

Chuck Norris doesn’t go trick or treating. He goes punching and kicking.

Have you seen Alien vs. Predator? Here’s a spoiler: Chuck Norris won.

Why does Darth Vader wear a mask? Because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his face.

If Chuck Norris was in Bethlehem, he would have found room at the inn.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris can weld titanium with his urine.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this a “slow Tuesday”.

Chuck Norris “Caught ‘Em All”, twice.

Chuck Norris can resist Megan Fox.

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

(To Be Continued)

The Justice League!!

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Wed, 11 May 2011 02:05:00 +0000

The Chronicles Of Chuck Norris – Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sun, 08 May 2011 14:20:00 +0000

Chuck Norris puts the fun in the funeral.

Chuck Norris was once bit by a cobra… The cobra died!!

When Chuck Norris calls a 900 number, they pay him $4.99 a minute.

Chuck Norris once killed a man with a stern talking to.

It is generally impolite to stare. It is absolutely suicide to stare at Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ beard has its own ZIP Code.

Chuck Norris has a Myspace account… on Facebook.

Chuck Norris once leaned on the Tower of Pisa….

If Chuck Norris ever got caught for speeding, he’d let the cops off with a warning.

Chuck Norris can kill Freddy Krueger in his sleep, when he’s awake, and anytime in between.

Chuck Norris put the smackdown on the The Rock’s “Candy Ass”.

If you woke up this morning, it means Chuck Norris spared your life.

Chuck Norris once made a lame man run for his life.

Chuck Norris can describe the taste of water.

Kids go to daycare. Chuck Norris went to Fight Club.

Leading causes of US deaths: 1) Heart Disease. 2) Chuck Norris. 3) Cancer.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris’ doorbell is the sound of bones breaking.

Chuck Norris can set a person on fire…. underwater.

Area 51 is where Chuck Norris stores his lawn mover.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside to brand his cattle.

Chuck Norris showers in a hurricane.

Chuck Norris flosses with a chainsaw blade.

Chuck Norris can play Crysis on a Game Boy.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Thor is the God of Thunder. Chuck Norris is the God of Thor.

Pictures of Chuck Norris are considered currency in most countries.

The belt that holds up Chuck Norris’ pants actually has a black belt.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Smoking doesn’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.

Chuck Norris framed Roger Rabbit.

Chuck Norris stabbed a knife with a human being.

Rome may not have been built in a day, but Chuck Norris managed to destroy it in one.

Chuck Norris can make a stuffed animal bleed.

Chuck Norris doesn’t fall, he merely tests the durability of the floor with his face.

Chuck Norris can alphabetize M&M’s.

Chuck Norris uses sand paper and steel wool for toilet paper.

Chuck Norris WILL survive in 2012.

Chuck Norris is on this world to do 2 things: drink milk and kick butt. And he’s just finished his milk.

Pokemon. Chuck Norris DID Catch ‘Em All. And then he had a giant barbecue.

Chuck Norris once drank 15 Red Bulls so he could take a 30 minute nap.

Chuck Norris’ sweat makes him bulletproof. Even more so than usual.

Chuck Norris decides whether Santa’s been naughty or nice.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris can pin a nail to a wall using MC Hammer.

When a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, it means Chuck Norris has killed everyone.

In Scrabble, if you spell the word “Chuck Norris”, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris does his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep with a gun under his pillow, he sleep with a gun under another gun.

A Klondike Bar will do anything for a Chuck Norris.

They made the first 1 million dollar bill… and Chuck Norris’ face was on it.

If Chuck Norris round house kick met another it would a hole in space time continuum.

If you can do it, Chuck Norris can do it better.

Violence may not solve your problems, but it solves each and every one of Chuck Norris’ problems.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn’t heal.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

It’s not the fall that kills you, it’s Chuck Norris waiting for you at the bottom.

Chuck Norris has no home security system. Chuck Norris welcomes intruders.

Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he had never cried.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.

If you see Chuck Norris fighting a bear, don’t help Chuck Norris. Help the bear.

Chuck Norris hears sign language.

Uncle Pennybags once told Chuck Norris to go to jail during a Monopoly game. He got his walking stick soon afterwards.

Chuck Norris barbecues grills on a steak.

Ozzy Ozbourne once bit the head off a bat. Not to be outdone Chuck Norris then bit the head off Batman.

Chuck Norris knows how much wood the woodchuck can chuck.

Cops list Chuck Norris for their emergency contact number.

Chuck Norris once drew a triangle with four sides.

A roadside Chuck Norris killed two bombs.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor.

Chuck Norris never needs to throw a pitch. The ball flees his hand in terror.

Chuck Norris doesn’t make friends or enemies. Chuck Norris only makes victims.

Most parents pack their kids a lunch for school. Chuck Norris’ parents packed him a cow carcass.

Chuck Norris uses Beef Jerky instead of bubble gum.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris still kills you.

Chuck Norris can stab you with a basketball.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris once caught AIDS… but then he let it go.

Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too.

Chuck Norris can clap. With one hand.

Chuck Norris played 18 holes of golf and scored a 17.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Jack can be nimble, and Jack can be quick, but Jack can’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once made a 3 point shot… while playing hockey.

Robin is to Batman as Death is to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris shot the Sheriff, the Deputy, and all witnesses.

When Chuck Norris goes to a fast food place, his order is ready before he walks in.

The reason Yoda talks funny is because Chuck Norris kicked him in the head.

Chuck Norris goes to Bermuda Triangle for a vacation.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in his soul.

If he doesn’t have a hammer, Chuck Norris can always headbutt the nails into the wood.

(To Be Continued)

The Chronicles Of Chuck Norris - Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sat, 07 May 2011 15:38:00 +0000

Oscar Wilde once said “The only thing worse than having Chuck Norris and Mr. T. in the same article is having Chuck Norris, Mr. T and Oscar Wilde in the same article.

When one thinks of Chuck Norris, one immediately thinks "action movie star" (recalling his numerous feature films), and television star, (recalling, unfortunately, "Walker, Texas Ranger"). However, unfortunately, and to the chagrin of countless people who truly need a sense of humor and/or a life, Chuck Norris is a world-renowned everyman the likes of which no one had seen. Over the years, he has somehow managed to do every conceivable action both possible and impossible in his lifetime. In fact, though his legacy is great, some even question whether or not he actually did anything notable. However, these allegations have been largely quieted in recent years, due mostly to fears that his immense power will smite them.

Listed below are some of the famous Chuck Norris facts…

Most people fear the reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie.”

Behind every successful man, there is a Chuck Norris.

When it’s time for people to die, the Grim Reaper shows up. When it’s time for the Grim Reaper to die, Chuck Norris shows up.

Chuck Norris’ Laptop has Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe there are 118 elements. He believes there is only one: the element of surprise!!

Chuck Norris never loses at dodge ball because the ball wants to dodge Chuck Norris.

Bullies stuff nerds into lockers. Chuck Norris stuffs lockers into bullies.

When Arnold says “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator film, it is implied that he is going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight. The knife lost.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use antibiotics. Bacteria use anti-Chuck Norris.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

The doctor told Chuck Norris he needed to eat less vegetables and more meat.

Chuck Norris once beheaded a sword.

Chuck Norris frequently call 911 – just to see if he can help out.

Chuck Norris knows how deep the rabbit hole is. He dug it after all.

Actions speak louder than words. Chuck Norris speaks louder than actions.

Chuck Norris gave the sun skin cancer.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris doesn’t like horse meat. He does enjoy horseshoes, however.

Chuck Norris operates on surgeons!!

Chuck Norris can watch DVDs on a VCR.

Chuck Norris can finish Mario Bros without using the jump button.

Chuck Norris once shot a gun with a man.

When children go to bed, they take a teddy bear with them. When Chuck Norris goes to bed, he takes a grizzly bear with him.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris had beaten to different shades of black and blue.

Chuck Norris won’t be Mr. Rogers’ neighbor.

Chuck Norris is so strong he can lift 20 ton safe over his head… with him inside.

Chuck Norris called 911 to order Chinese food, and got it.

Jesus once saw Chuck Norris in his tortilla.

Chuck Norris was on the show Man vs. Wild… and the Wild lost.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a star on Hollywood Blvd, he has a constellation.

The only solution for our economic recovery is Chuck Norris merchandise.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife!!

Chuck Norris doesn’t have to lick a tootsie roll lollipop. It melts in fear.

Chuck Norris uses gasoline to mouthwash.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Godzilla once challenged King Kong to an arm wrestling match. The winner was Chuck Norris.

The American Bison nearly went extinct because Chuck Norris needed a leather jacket.

A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That’s why they no longer exist.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Nurses can get pregnant just by checking Chuck Norris’ pulse.

An eclipse is when the sun hides from Chuck Norris.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines; he simply says “Now.”

Chuck Norris is the only person who can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris was about to send an email when he realized it’d be faster to run.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

(To Be Continued)

Brocabulary –Part 8. Techspressions

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 19:24:00 +0000

(n.) Expressions that pertain to technology.

AIMbarassment – Embarrassment resulting from the misuse of AOL Instant Messenger.

Baller ID – An expression used to indicate that the person who is calling is a true baller: “How’d you know it was me?” “I saw you on baller ID, player.”

Bonecall – A booty call: “Man, this party is at maximum cockupancy, let me make a quick bonecall.”

Dickspatch – An email sent to your bros bragging about a bagging.

Flutie text – A booty text that has about the same chances of ending in a score as Doug Flutie’s Hail Mary pass did.

Inboxquisition – An investigation into your inbox that ends in her putting the screws to you after she inds out you screwed someone else.

LapQuest – When you MapQuest directions to a strip club because it’s in a shady, unfamiliar part of town.

LiePhone (aka guyPhone) – A phone used for purposes of lying.

Obliterature – Literature composed while completely obliterated, usually on a cell phone.

PDA- hole – A total a-hole who is obsessed with his Personal Digital Assistant, to the point of BlackBerrying during conversations, while on the pot, or in the sack.

Sendthusiasm – A girl’s boundless enthusiasm for sending you annoying e-mails.

Smell phone – A cell phone that has been stuffed down another man’s pants and has taken on the odor of “junk funk,” for instance a PDA that has been rubbed on the scrote to become a SackBerry. Stuffing another man’s stuff down your pants—especially those that may end up in or near his mouth—is a quick and easy way to establish dominance by giving him your case of Hepatitis A. It’s also a pretty amusing sacktical joke. In addition to cell phones, writing utensils can be stuck up the bunghole (“No. 2 pencils”) or rubbed on the crotch (“Dick Bics”).

SMS-peranto - the universal language of SMS messaging.

Spamouﬂage – Camoulage that causes you to click on spam mail by promising you naked photos, etc.

Textermination – Terminating your relations with a chick via text message.

Textrovert – One who is extroverted when it comes to texting people.

Brocabulary –Part 7. Stylinguistics

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 19:10:00 +0000

(n.) Language that pertains to the elements of style.

Ambiﬂexterous – Able to impress a girl by flexing multiple parts of the body.

Bathlete – A man who goes to excessive lengths to bathe and groom himself, sometimes seen in shornography—pornos featuring depubescent dudes.

Brawndescension – The condescension a brawny individual shows towards a less well-developed specimen: “My trainer said I was developing a nice three-pack, but I think he was being brawndescending.”

Cloutﬁt – An outit that shows how much clout you have via French cuffs with twenty-four-karat links, a diamond-encrusted Brolex watch, a bespoke suit, polished wingtips, etc.

Credlocks – Dreadlocks sported by a white dude to try to establish cred in the black community.

Darecut – A haircut you get on a dare: “Dude! There’s a penis shaved into your head!” “Yeah, it was a darecut. I get to use Tim’s Lotus for a night if I go into work wearing this.”

Dickini – A male thong or Speedos that excessively reveal your hairea.

Doucheshave – A shave befitting a douchebag.

Flaircut – A haircut with flair.

Flake rake – A comb when raked over the scalp of a druffian, or someone with lots of dandruff.

Freeodorant – Emergency deodorant that you get for free by walking into the drug store and spraying or rubbing it on while no one is looking.

Freetergent – Detergent you poach from other people in the laundromat because you’re too broke to pay for a fifty-cent box of Tide.

Fro pas – An afro that is a faux pas because it’s worn by a total honky. Sometimes described as frotesque.

Gut cheeks – When your gut is so big that when you sandwich it with both hands and push them together, a giant asscrack-like crease develops down the middle.

Heteroﬂexual – A dude who spends as much time at the gym as a gay guy, but claims to be straight.

Khakistani – One who religiously wears khaki. Khakistan refers to a place where khakistanis gather (for instance, Dockers commercials). “Whoa, when did we cross into Khakistan? We just turned onto pleats street in button-down town!”

Kickhead – A sneaker freak who gets pumped every time he scores a new pair of vintage Reeboks.

Lidiot – An idiot obsessed with collecting baseball caps.

Mandicap – A handicap that a man has to overcome in order to get with a girl.

Manties – “Man panties” you’re forced to use when clean underwear aren’t available after a hook- up and going commando is not an option.

Meodorant – Your own odor, worn in lieu of deodorant—often a form of fleeodorant, in that it causes people to flee from you.

Morrison Hotel – A igurative place that you check into in order to let the beard grow, the gut go, and the booze flow—much like Jim Morrison during the time he made the album of the same name.

Must- not- stache – An unbecoming mustache.

Nadequate – Offering ample breathing room for your nads.

Pec check – When you check to make sure your pecs are still there by flexing first the right and then the left one—usually a move to impress girls.

Pecscessive – Excessive as pertains to pecs or other muscles—overly developed: “Dude, it’s one thing to be gympressive, but another thing to be totally pecscessive. You’re going to scare girls away with those ‘jock paps’!”

Pecspert – An expert in matters of pecs and other muscles, e.g. a personal trainer: “Dude, if I keep gaining weight in my man cans I may need to call on your pecspertise.”

Plug ugly – Ugly due to fake hair.

Sandwich board – Someone who wears team signage on both their front and back via a t-shirt and a backwards baseball hat.

Scareline – A hairline that’s receding so quickly it scares you every time you look at it. Considered a stareline when it’s receding so quickly you feel like people are staring at it.

Shampoop – Shitty shampoo.

Stache gash – A gash of skin in your mustache, usually the result of shaving drunk or hungover.

Starmoire – An armoire full of clothes that make you look like a rock star: “I got a date to night with this girl who’s totally out of my league. I’m really going to have to dig into the starmoire.”

Strip ﬂop – When you strip off a tight shirt and your belly flops out—a sign that it’s time to lose some weight.

Tanachronism – A person, usually a chick but sometimes a dude like George Hamilton, who looks so tan they seem to be from another time (i.e. summer instead of winter).

(To Be Continued)

Brocabulary –Part 6. Praiseology

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 15:12:00 +0000

(n.) Phraseology that can be used to praise all that is good in this world.

Atrawesome – Atrociously awesome.

Aighteous – all right and righteous.

Blechtacular – Spectacular in a disgusting or vomit-inducing way.

Courighteous – courageous and righteous.

Delighteous – delightfully righteous.

Dynomighteous – righteous enough to make JJ say “Dy-no-mite!”

Exciteous – excitingly righteous.

Ferawesome – Ferociously awesome.

Flyatollah – The king of being fly.

Flighteous – Fly and righteous.

Frighteous – frightfully righteous.

Guydol – A guy that you idolize, perhaps excessively.

Mighteous – mightily righteous.

Nadmirable – Admirable because it took some serious nads: “Dude you told your boss to suck it? Nadmirable!”

Nadvantageous – Something that’s advantageous to your balls: “It would be nadvantageous for you to shut the fuck up.”

Outrighteous – outrageously righteous; outright righteous.

Outofsighteous – out of sight and righteous

Perb, perior, preme – Expressions used to indicate that something is superb, superior, or supreme.

Quiteous – quite righteous.

Strighteous – strikingly righteous.

Tighteous – tight and righteous.

Threediculous – Three times as ridiculous as something that’s ridiculous.

Totally awessible – Something that’s totally possible and would be totally awesome if it happened.

Uprighteous – righteous enough to make you stand up and cheer.

White hot lighteous – so righteous it’s like you died and went to Heaven.

Brocabulary –Part 5. Shitter Chatter

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 14:49:00 +0000

Deuceappear – To disappear in order to drop a deuce; split and shit.

Fartisan – One who takes pride in the art of the fart; a real “stall star.”

Fart-to-fart – A fartwarming experience in which two dudes trade farts.

Flyarrhea – A case of diarrhea so bad that it causes you to jet, also known as seeyarrhea or goner-rrhea. (“Dude, what happened to you the other night? You disabeered from the bar.” “Oh man, those nachos gave me a bad case of flyarrhea. I had to get home fast—it was a real brownpour.”)

Group farticipation – When an entire group participates in a veritable fart orgy.

On the pot on the dot – An expression that indicates that you made it to the toilet just in time to avoid sharting or puking all over yourself.

Overplopulate – To overkill a toilet bowl: “Dude, do you have a plunger? I blew up the bowl with a Stallotov cocktail and now I’m having an overplopulation problem.”

Pissinfectant – Piss that’s sprayed against a surface, such as in the case of a murinal (a mural made from urine): “Excuse me gentle-man, but I need to pissinfect this wall.”

Pissticuffs – A fight resulting from or incorporating urine.

Pisstracted – Distracted by an overwhelming need to piss.

Plopperazzo – Someone who photographs freshly plopped turds with the fervor of a paparazzo photographing Madonna.

Plopumentaries – Documentaries about those oh-not-so-comfortable moments in the morning.

Stallternative – An alternative to the toilet stall. You usually have to find one when the only stall has been overplopulated: “Dude, the coal bowl is out of order, but those bushes are looking like a good stallternative.”

(To Be Continued)

Brocabulary –Part 4. Chilloquialisms

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 14:58:00 +0000

(n.) Colloquialisms speciﬁc to the art of chilling.

Carbecue – 1. “Baking” a car by lighting up a joint. 2. Trashing your old car—or someone else’s—by dousing it in gasoline and setting it on fire.

Chillettante – One who is a total dilettante when it comes to chilling.

Chilliards – Billiards, when played for the purposes of chilling with your bros.

Chill-tempered – Naturally inclined to chilling. Sometimes you’re so chill-natured that you become chillustrious, i.e. renowned for chilling like the Dude in The Big Lebowski.

Chip trip – 1. A trip to the conve nience store to pick up chips for the game. 2. A trip to the nearest town with a casino, for the purposes of poker or other forms of gambling: “Oh you’re going to Vegas—is it a chip trip or a splaycation?”

Cigarsenal – Your arsenal of cigars: “I always keep a Cuban in my cigarsenal.” Note that this can also include anything you keep in a cigar box, including weed, etc.

Clinch mob – A drunken mob that takes to the streets after a team has clinched the pennant or a championship.

Cock shock – When you go to a party expecting a “breast fest” but walk into a meat hang: “Dude, it was a total sausage fest. I went into cock shock.”

Couch ouch – The pain you feel when your couch dance is over and you have to surrender your money.

Crackcident – 1. A crack-related accident (see Tampa xccident). 2. A car or bike crash that occurs while you’re staring at a girl’s butt crack, sometimes called a “rearender.”

Douchetination – A location where “the douche is loose.”

ESPNvy – A chick’s jealousy over your love of ESPN.

Fanbulance – An ambulance that carts away an injured fan.

Fandiloquence – The grandiloquence of a sports fan who, though he normally has the cognitive and conversational skills of a shaved ape, suddenly becomes an eloquent statesman when fanalyzing his team, rattling off stats, trivia, and complicated theories like he’s a member of Mensa. Football fans often show off their NFLoquence when engaging in NFLocution, and fans of every sport are apt to launch into manageremiads— jeremiads about how the manager needs to be fired.

Fanimal – A fan who’s so hardcore that he’s on the verge of becoming a wild animal—as if he has taken fanabolic steroids. He often becomes fanimated to the point of fantagonizing the opposition and breeding rampant fanimosity.

Fan tan – Literally, the tan you aquire after a day at the stadium, when you drink so much that you forget to get out of the sun—or figuratively, the pasty white skin you acquire from guybernating and watching college football all day.

Fanthem – 1. A team song or wincantation, such as the Bears’ “Super Bowl Shufle” or the Braves’ tomahawk-chop chant. 2. The song that plays for a player as he runs out to greet the fans during pre- game or steps up to the plate. 3. Melodramatic NFL Films music.

Freegurgitate – To house food that’s on the house, usually bar grub that’s been sitting around for several days or pizza that’s about to be thrown out ive minutes before the slice joint closes.

Fun-up – To one-up someone by bringing way more fun to the table: “I thought I was a rock star for bringing a Twister mat and some Crisco but Chuck fun-upped me by bringing a Moon Bounce and some twin sisters.”

Gay or stay – An expression used when deciding whether it’s safe to dine or drink with your bro in a certain bar or restaurant: “I don’t know man—I hear the rib eye is good here but I see a lot of candles. Gay or stay?”

Gentertainment – Any form of entertainment that’s intended for gentlemen, whether it’s an ice hockey game or the “Cans Film Festival” your bro is throwing.

Guybernation – Indulging in some “he time,” usually to avoid the girlfriend or the bros.

Guybrary – A library that establishes you as a man’s man.

Guygestion – The act of manly digestion.

GuyTunes – a music collection, often found on a guyPod, that’s chock full of manthems.

Gymdigenous wildlife – Manimals that are indigenous to the gym.

Highorities – Your priorities for getting high: “Dude, what are our highorities here? Coke or weed? White socks or green pants? Or should we wear our white socks with our green pants?”

Jack slacks – Pants that you wear to a strip club in order to truly milk the experience. Unless you’re someone like Joey Buttafuoco, these are usually pants you’d never wear in public, such as track pants or Cumbros (Umbros worn for the speciic purpose of coming). “Dude, you might want to change. This club is classy,they’re not going to let you in wearing jack slacks.”

Mansportation – Transportation of a manly nature.

Maximum cockupancy – When a party is full of dudes: “Bro, this party is a big box of cocks. The room is at maximum cockupancy.” When this happens, immediately focus your honar so you can go from bags to bitches.

Whorescent lighting – The low, sometimes luorescent strip club lighting that makes everything look better—except for your chronic dandruff. It also makes it hard to tell whether the girl in front of you is a man or a woman, but maybe that’s for the best. When a strip club has ultra-vile lighting you’re inevitably haunted by a panapoly of C-section scars, hail damage (also known as ’ttock pocks), and cellublight. In fact, when the lights are up, you might experience stripecac—an instance of stripping that reveals a body that’s outright nauseating.

Wintimacy – The intimacy that is established between two total strangers when their team wins.

(To Be Continued)

Brocabulary – Part 3. Hocabulary

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 14:31:00 +0000

Vocabulary that applies to the often maddening behavior of hos (females).

Astrolobitch – A girl who uses astrology in a bitchy manner.

Bag hag – 1. A woman who only dates douchebags and seeks them out at wanker- banker bars and other douchetinations. These girls believe that a kiss can magically transform a chode into a prince. 2. A woman who covets tacky bags.

Blobfuscate – To attempt to obfuscate one’s fat, usually by wearing excessively revealing or concealing outfits, or painfully ugly ouchifits.

Brantourage – A bevy of scantily clad female followers, sometimes referred to as a “stable of bitches.”

Breastpionage – The act or practice of spying on a chick’s breasts. It’s your duddy duty to seize any and all gawkertunities, no matter where you are, who you’re with, or who your target is with. Is she leaning over a wheelchair to adjust her ailing grandmother’s IV tube? Bust out the skinoculors. Is she wearing “pas de bra” while pooper scooping? Put on your guyfocals. It’s important to have good “scoping mechanisms,” or you’ll never be able to properly cleavaluate a woman. You’re going to encounter plenty of gawkward situations where you’re not sure whether or not you should satisfy your chimpulses, but in the end those basic animal needs must be met. When lesh is being lashed, peeping is oglebligatory.

Broing along – Going along with the bros.

Cashstrate – To castrate by having way more cash than you: “The dinner tab bounced my credit card and she whipped out two Benjis. She totally cashstrated me.”

Chargument – An argument that leads to a house or drinking establishment burning down—for instance when Left Eye Lopes burned her man’s mansion to the ground.

Crampage – A rampage brought on by PMS cramps. “Yo, let’s get some brews tonight. I need to get out of the house because my girl’s on a crampage.”

Dresspionage – Trying to peep up a girl’s dress.

Dumpedfounded – Dumbfounded as to why you were dumped.

Duty text – To text your girlfriend out of obligation, not because you actually want to communicate with her or to booty text her. “Watch my beer, guys—I gotta duty text my girlfriend.”

Emascudate – To date a man in such a way as to emasculate him.

Fembellishment – A distinctly female form of exaggeration.

Femcroachment – When a chick encroaches on your personal space or your established routine.

Flack Friday – An expression that indicates the inevitability of getting lack from your boys on Friday because you need to hang out with your girl or lack from your girl because you’re with your boys.

Gaysay – To gainsay (i.e. deny or dispute) by saying, “He’s gay!”

Ginaralize – To generalize about vaginas. Guys love to make “blanket generalizations” about how certain types of chicks are under the covers. Even a nookie rookie who’s only done it once in his life—with a pimply albino pygmy—will insist that pimply albino pygmies are the best and will construct an elaborate theory to prove it.

Guyjack – When a guy highjacks a girl from the dude she’s with, also called “ho poaching.”

Herrands– Emasculating errands that you’re forced to run for your girlfriend. The only time it’s acceptable to run an errand for a girl is if you’re helping her do something for you.

Ho- bot – A chick who’s hot but has the personality of an automaton; also called a hot-tomaton.

Ho couture – Clothing worn by a woman of loose morals and tight outfits.

Ho-stalgia – Nostalgia for someone you’ve dated.

Hot dog – A girl that, like a hot dog, is an amalgam of the lesser parts of hot girls. She’s not as juicy as a grade-A steak but she’ll hit the spot when you’re really hungry.

Jersey girl – A girl whose love of the game amounts to wearing the jersey of the player she thinks is hot. Can also be used to rag on a dude who wears the jersey of a pretty-boy athlete.

Jizdemeanor – An instance of jizzing that you consider a misdemeanor rather than a deeply criminal case of cheating on your girlfriend: “I don’t get why she’s lipping out because I got a happy ending from some mamasan—it’s just a jizdemeanor.”

Legsibitionist – A girl who has legs and knows how to use them.

Mace face – A face that makes you wish you were temporarily blind.

Mammouﬂage – Camouflage of the mammary area that makes it hard to breastimate.

Marrogance – The arrogance of a newly married man.

Martha Screwert – A girl who is anal in the bedroom –and not in the good way.

Perversatile – Able to adopt whatever perversion is necessary for the situation.

Planties – Panties that a girl plants in order to blow your chances should another girl come over your house.

PMScalate – To escalate due to PMS: “Sorry dude, I can’t go out to night. My girl’s paranoia has totally PMScalated and she’s convinced I’m cheating on her. But say hi to the girl I hooked up with last week.”

Primprisonment – Being turned into a girl’s “primp gimp” while she puts her makeup on.

Responsenility – Being senile about your responsibilities—usually as pertains to your relationship.

Retargument – A retarded argument you have with your girl-friend.

Ringlish – The language of marriage.

Tittiosyncrasies – Tit-related idiosyncrasies.

Vilentine’s Day – A vile holiday in which your girl expects to be shot in the heart with an arrow and you want to be shot in the head with a bullet.

(To be Continued)

Brocabulary – Part 2. Barticulation

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 19:45:00 +0000

Articulation that occurs at a bar, or that applies to boozing it and losing it.

Alcofall – A common type of bingeury that occurs due to excessive alcohol, also known as a “beer spill.”

Barchipelago – A group of bars clustered together for easy hopping.

Barjack – To take over a bar by force, whether by brolling deep or by being obnoxious jackasses: “Dude, let’s go to Futtbuckers!” “But it’s trivia night.” “So what, we’ll just barjack the place. Put on your boots, there’s going to be a bro storm!”

Barnacle – Chumps who attach themselves to the bar like barnacles, preventing you from getting a drink.

Bar par – The number of drinks that it’s appropriate to consume at a given bar. “Dude, this is the Swiggin’ Brigand—you’re six shots and one funnel under the bar par.”

Barsenal – Your alcoholic arsenal. “I always keep absinthe in my barsenal—the stuff is ginamite.”

Barticipate – To participate in something that happens in a bar, or in going to a bar. “We’re headed to Babes on Board for a boobs cruise. Barticipation is mandatory!”

Barticulars – The details about which bar you’re meeting up at, etc.

Benderdome – A one-on-one drinking session cum competition between you and your bro in which “two men enter, one man leaves,” in the tradition of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

Bingeury – An injury that occurs during a binge.

Blottomobile – A car whose passengers are totally blotto.

Bombaraderie – A special brand of camaraderie brought on by Irish Car Bombs.

Bongversation – A conversation that occurs while a bong is being passed around. These marijuanversations usually explore matters of bongtology—life as interpreted by people hitting the water pipe.

Break ﬂuid – Water, when consumed in order to take a break from drinking or to put the brakes on a drunken mistake. “Good thing I got some break luid in me or I would’ve made a move on Bill’s fiancée.”

Brewdonym – Your drinking name.

Brew manchu – A Fu Manchu–style mustache created by beer foam.

Brewnanimous decision – A unanimous decision made by members of your drinking party as to where to go next, usually a strip club.

Brewthanasia – The killing of a beer; also called a beer death experience.

Brojectile vomit – When your bro gets caught in your chunder-storm.

Brorangutan – The apelike creature you become after pounding a few with your bros.

Brotal recall – A bro’s total recall for what you did last night while hit-shammered.

Cock-a-doodle brew – A beer that’s consumed first thing in the morning.

Fargone-versation – An exchange that occurs while you and the other party are totally far gone.

Flaccid rain – Hard liquor that makes you go soft, or brews that cause beerectile dysfunction.

Fow-carb diet – A diet that consists of letting carbs low into your body via booze and brews.

Freebauchery – Debauchery that costs you nothing.

Gramouﬂage – Something used to camoulage a gram of coke: “A baby powder bottle is the perfect gramoul age. Unfortunately my sister came over and used mine on her kid and I ended up having to snort blow off of a toddler’s ass.”

Halley’s vomit – A vomit comet the likes of which you see once in a lifetime.

Kegulations – Regulations that apply to a keg or kegger—for instance, “There will be no Easter kegs—kegs that you hide from the rest of the party for easy access.”

MC Hammered – The state of being so drunk that you forget that you’re a white dude and you start thinking you can dance or act gangsta, when really you’re a poseur like MC Hammer.

Neanderbrawl – A brawl that occurs among drunken neander-thals.

Bloodweiser bottle – A bottle of Bud smashed against someone’s bloody skull.

Spar stool – A bar stool hoisted by the legs and used either to keep someone at bay or to hammer him in the head.

Lemon/lime mace – A lemon wedge sprayed in an aggressor’s eyes in order to disorient him so you can bring the Bloodweiser bottle down. Or pepper spray them by dousing Tabasco sauce in their eyes.

Floormaldehyde – The sticky barroom floor can hold people in place while you beat them.

Spray gun – A tonic dispenser sprayed in the face of a rival in order to disorient him, and then wrapped around his throat to strangle him.

Shotglass put – A shot glass that you hold against your neck while twirling around, then launch at someone on the other side of the room.

Gincendiary device – The classic Molotov cocktail, or “dirty (martini) bomb.” Use it only if you’re up against the entire bar and your only option is to set the place on ire and become a barsonist.

Cueiville slugger – A pool cue swung across someone’s face like it’s a baseball bat.

Palcohol – Alcohol that’s acceptable to consume with your pals -the opposite of galcohol.

Pourizontal – Poised so that someone can pour beer in your mouth from above.

Prebauchery – The party before the party.

Rebauchery – To participate in further debauchery the morning after excessive drinking.

Roundhog – A bro who greedily hogs the rounds that other people buy for him, but burrows deep underground when it comes time.

Slurchase – A purchase made while you’re drunkenly slurring your words. These usually spark calls from your credit card company when they see you spent one thousand dollars at a place called Jiggling Piggies and they don’t recognize your drunken signature. Just tell them, “Don’t worry, that’s just my blottograph.”

Sobriepee – A piss that helps you determine your level of sobriety.

Speakquilibrium – The ability to speak without slurring your words. “Dude, don’t call in sick for work until you get back your speakquilibrium.”

The stripping point – Somewhat like the phenomenon explored in Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point, the stripping point is the precise moment at which shots of Jäger cause a chick to want to get naked with you.

Swignominius – Shameful due to one’s inability to swig alcohol like a man: “Dude, you puked before making bar par? You should be deeply ashamed of this swignominius behavior.”

Throngversation – A conversation in a loud, crowded bar.

Trojan whores – Hot chicks that you hide amidst in order to get into a club: “The doorman wasn’t going to let us in but we told these Trojan whores we’d buy their drinks all night if they took us in with them.”

(To Be Continued)

Brocabulary - Part 1. Brommunication

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 22:01:00 +0000

After the enlightening Bro Codes Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 comes another part of bromanculture. The list of vocabulary spoken from one bro to another, with emphasis on bronunciation.

aBroha – A way to say “hello” and “goodbye” to your bro.

Brocaine – Cocaine injested during a circle snort.

Brocrastination – Killing time with your bros in order to avoid something tedious and soulcrushing your girl has in store for you.

Breastinations – Places where chicks gather to be with their own.

Brotocol – A protocol to be followed by bros.

Brocial contract – A contract among bros that says you’re all there to drink until the bar closes, someone gets arrested, or someone gets violently ill.

Broordinates – Coordinates for finding a bro in a crowded room/party.

Bro- D. – To o.d. on a bro: “Oh man, don’t invite Reggie. I’m kind of bro- D’ing on him. I’ve seen him three times this week and am suffering brolonged exposure.”

Bropacetic – Copacetic among bros; the opposite of fellodrama.

Brostalgia – Nostalgia for something you did with your bro or bros.

Brobituary – An obituary delivered at your bro’s wedding. Your bro’s life is over as he knows it!!

Brotographs – Photographs of your bro. Those Brodak Moments!!

Broing pains – Ah! The pains of growing among Bros!

Bro- down – A two-beer peace summit in which you attempt to resolve your differences over a couple of brewskies.

Brofessor – A bro who still remembers how to add and substract.

Bromance – Romance between two bros.

Bropose – When a bro proposes another bro to be his lifelong bro.

Bropponents—Bro bashers who are opposed to bromosexual relationship between two bros.

Cerebro – The bro who does the thinking for you. You’re R2-D-Dude and he’s C-3P-Bro.

Dudeonym – A name that only your dudes call you.

Dudescussion – A dudes-only discussion.

Dudevorce – A divorce between two bros who were in a brolationship.

Fellabrate – To celebrate with the fellas: “Jim just got divorced! Fellabration!”

Fellodrama – Melodrama between fellows.

Fembrace – A feminine embrace that causes you to wonder if a bro is “being straight with you.”

Frataclysm – Something earth-shattering that befalls a frat: a fratastrophic disaster that might lead to the downfall of a Greek empire, as seen in Animal House, Revenge of the Nerds, Assault of the Party Nerds, and Old School.

Friendjamins – Hundred dollar bills, lent to a friend.

Galibi – An alibi you give your bros to make it look like you bailed for tail.

Guyamese twins – Two guys who are pretty much inseparable. Practically attached to eachother via a chumbilical cord!!

Guynamic – The dynamic between bros. “Dude, this Yoko is totally throwing off the guynamic.”

Ho- blivion – The oblivion that bros sometimes vanish into when they get a ho.

Herfews - A curfew his wife has imposed, usually for clitiotic reasons.

Homieopathy – Hanging with your homies in order to take the hurt off of something like a bad breakup.

Hommitment – A commitment you made with a ho that prevents you from hanging out with your bros.

Manecdotes – Anecdotes among men.

Manalyze – To analyze someone you’ve just met in order to determine his degree of manliness.

PAL 2000 – when a bro who seems to have your best interest at heart suddenly turns on you like HAL 2000 in 2001: A Space Odyssey, usually by giving you bad advice and claiming it’s for your own good.

Paltruism – Selflessly being there for your bro like you’re a real Brother Theresa.

Spawnversation – An awkward conversation about your bro’s kid.

Testosterzone – Places where men gather to be with other men.

Wannabro – A dork who tries to be a bro but is nothing but a wannabe.

(To Be Continued)

The Official Chick Code

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 04:14:00 +0000

1) Chicks before dicks. The bond between two women is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, women are more willing and able to commit than men. Unfortunate for our love lives, but true.

2) A Chick is always entitled to do something wild, as long as the rest of her Side-Chicks are all doing it. For example: partaking in "WOOO!"-ing. The license to be wild is why we have Side-Chicks in the first place.

3) A Chick never divulges the existence of the Chick Code to a man. It is a sacred document not to be shared with guys for any reason...no, not ever that reason. Note: if you a man reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain this much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is-a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.** Oh, and have you been working out?

4) Whether she cares about shopping/shoes/clothes/makeup/etc or not, a Chick cares about the aforementioned.

5) A Chick shall not stare inappropriately if she and other Chicks must get naked in front of one another in a locker room. You may gossip, joke around, and many other fun activities but never should you stare at another Chick's breasts, "No-No Square", and/or bum.

6) A Chick never admits that she's PMSing to a guy, not even when she is PMSing.

7) A Chick always sends greeting cards (even if she doesn't really want to). While some Chicks may not enjoy sending greeting cards, the respectable thing to do is to send one, whether it be a "Thank You" Note, a "Get Well Soon" Card, a Birthday Card, a "Congratulations" Card, a Holiday Card, or a "Thinking of You" Note.

8) Should a Chick be critically injured, her Side-Chicks are to never make jokes about it, unless the hurt Chick does first.

9) A Chick will drop whatever she's doing and rush to help her Side-Chick when and if she gets dumped. Things required to ensure maximum comfort for your dumped Side-Chick: a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug, things to break, tissues, chocolate, alcohol, chick flicks, angry chick music, popcorn, mani/pedi kit, facial kit, and words aimed to describe what a douche what's-his-face was.

10) A Chick always asks for a guy's help when moving. For more effective results (aka getting a reluctant guy friend to move your massive couch and queen sized bed) butter him up about how strong and able and manly he is. For even more effective results, it is acceptable to slut it up a little or "involuntarily" show off your assets while buttering up. Pouting and begging in a sexual manner are also acceptable in this situation.

11) On dinner dates, do not eat like a pig. But do not be peckish either. And when dessert rolls around, and you're hoping for an "active" night, nonchalantly licking icing, whipped cream off your finger(s), or the underside of your utensil works most effectively.

12) A Chick must always help her fellow Chicks stay away from known or rumored creepers.

13) A Chick shall always help a Side-Chick get a guy. Should your Side-Chick be pursuing a taken guy (in a relationship, engaged, or married) you are not obligated to help her win him.

14) If a guy should inquire about another Chick's sexual history, a Chick shall lie and say that she doesn't know so that the Chick questioned about looks not like a whore nor a prude. Exception: should a guy inquire about another Chick's sexual history with women, a Chick shall indignantly say that the Chick questioned about has never done anything with in a sexual nature with a woman or women, regardless of whether or not she has ("I don't know" is also acceptable but not suggested). Exception to Exception: The Chick questioned about had previously told you of their sexual interactions with women and it was not a secret.

15) A Chick never dances stupidly nor too slutty. Exception: when a Chick is drunk or under the pretense of being drunk.

16) A Chick should be able, at any time, to recite the following: winner of American Idol and Project Runway; who's on the cover of Vanity Fair and Vogue; the the new hottest couple is; who the top celebrity couples are; what the latest celebrity scandals are.

17) A Chick shall be kind and courteous to her co-workers, unless they are beneath her on the Pyramid of Screaming***, are total jerk wads, completely incompetent, and/or inappropriate (that kind of inappropriate).

18) A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's brother (unless genuinely deemed okay with the Chick who has the brother). However, a Chick shall not let it bother her in any way if another Chick says, "OMG you're brother is, like, so hott!" And should a Chick's brother be interested in the Chick's friend, it is not acceptable for them to get together unless genuinely deemed okay by the Chick with the brother.

19) A Chick respects Chicks in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more the point, because they can totally kick your ass when you comment on how camouflage print doesn't look good on them or their tragic haircut.

20) A Chick may share her observations about another Chick's smoking-hot boyfriend, but in no way must she say anything further to ensure that the Chick with with hot bf doesn't think that the observing Chick will attempt to steal the bf in any way, shape, or form.

21) Homosexual men are completely acceptable as Side-Chicks. Sometimes even better. For example, less of your Gucci's will "go missing". Unless your homosexual guy-friend cross-dresses, which is also completely acceptable.

22) There is no law that prohibits a straight man from being a Side-Chick or "one of the girls". He can make a wonderful wingman or, if all else fails, a backup boyfriend/hubby.

23) A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's ex, unless the Chick whose ex it is does.

24) If two Chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than stripping down and wrestling it out. See Article 38 for a description of the rules should the strip-n-wrestle situation occur.

25) If two Chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to "accidentally" spill a drink on the other.

26) A Chick doesn't let another Chick get a"tramp stamp".

27) A Chick never removes her clothing in public, unless at a pool, beach, or (sometimes) a concert.

28) A Chick will, in a timely manner, alert her Side-Chicks to the existence of a sale/clearance.

29) If two chicks decide to catch a movie together, they shall split a tub of popcorn to save money. However, they are not to share a drink because that would just be awkward.

30) A Chick comparison shops.

31) When on the prowl, a Chick hits the most decent seeming guy first in hopes of catching a good one.

32) A Chick must get married before she's forty.

33) When in a public restroom, a Chick (1) does not look in between the crack in stall doors, even by accident; (2) waits until the restroom is completely empty before streaking to the next stall when you find that the stall you chose has no toilet paper rather than asking anyone if they could pass her any (this also applies for when she needs to sprint to the tampon dispenser thingy); (3) taps foot impatiently and huffs a bit when there is a wait; (4) always uses soap.

34) Chicks never reveal where they get their toys**** when involved in lesbian intercourse or a tricycle*****.

35) A Chick never rents or buys porn.

36) When the situation arises where a Chick spies another Chick with fake breasts while with her bf, then comments on it, a Chick always has the right to read between the lines at the bf's reaction comment (aka catching him staring at her breasts-but at least give him a few brownie points if he decries the silicon masses).

37) A Chick always reserves the right to get miffed if her male companion does not exhibit gentlemanly conduct (i.e. not opening the door for her, not pulling out her chair for her to sit down, not offering to pay, etc.)

38) Even in a fight to the death, a Chick never assaults, or attempts to assault, another Chick's breasts, bum, or "No-No Square". Scratching (this includes eye-gauging) is also not acceptable, on account of the usually long and sometimes sharp nails of our gender. Hair pulling, unfortunately, is both acceptable and encouraged.

39) When a Chick exchanges numbers with a guy, she is allowed to contact him twice before she must honor the weird "wait three days" thing guys do.

40) Should a Chick get the chance to be engaged to be married, her Side-Chicks are obligated to help the betrothed out in any way the bride-to-be deems possible. And they shall also throw her a kick ass bachelorette party as one last fling.

41) A Chick is always allowed to cry (and if she can cry on cue, all the better).

42) Upon greeting another Chick, a Chick may engage in a hug, cheek kiss(es), high five, hand shake, fist bump, Bro hug, jumping up and down, booty bump, or light ass smack, but never a kiss on the lips nor grope/caress in any way. Exception: lesbians.

43) A Chick loves her country, especially if it's in Europe.

44) A Chick may never take off or move around her swim bottoms while applying sunscreen, though untying the back of her top is acceptable.

45) A Chick does not go to a strip club as a general rule, though it is not completely prohibited.

46) If a Chick is seated next to a Chick who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, she shall yield her all their shared armrests, unless the girl has (a) been talking absolutely nonstop; (b) is snoring; (c) makes the Chick get up more than once to use the lavatory; or (d) is really fat.

47) A Chick loves pink, regardless to whether or not she really does live pink.

48) A Chick always, when the opportunity arises, participates in a drinking game (i.e. "I Never"/"Never Have I Ever", etc.) or risky party game (i.e. Truth or Dare, Seven Minutes in Heaven, Would You Rather, Spin the Bottle, etc).

49) When asked, "Do you need some help?" by a super hot guy, a Chick always replies yes, whether or not she's really got it.

50) If a Chick should accidentally boob or butt brush another Chick both shall continue on like nothing had happened. If a Chick should boob or butt brush a guy on accident she shall act like nothing happened and try not to blush.

51) A Chick checks out another Chick's blind date and reports back, though the Chick going on the blind date is obligated to still go on the date and give the guy a chance even if the report is bad.

52) A Chick is required to remember her Side-Chick's birthdays and anniversaries, and children's birthdays and anniversaries.

53) Even in a drought, a Chick always washes her hands after every potty break, and washes her face every morning and night.

54) A Chick is required to go out with her mother on Mother's Day, and her Side-Chicks on Halloween, New Year's Eve, Boxing Day, Black Friday, and Desperation Day (February 13th).

55) A Chick is always allowed to borrow clothes from another Chick, unless said clothes are unwashed, frumpy, obsolete, ugly, and/or gross.

56) A Chick is required to alert another Chick if the Guy/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, so not to create a Chicklandia, a Chick may only alert three Side-Chicks. Chicklandia is when there is little to no men, while a Sausage Zone is when there is little to no women. The perfect range is around "for every girl there is three guys".

57) A Chick always reveals the score of a sporting event to a guy, if she can remember it.

58) A Chick always shaves, or waxes, her legs, armpits, eyebrows if they need to be, and "down there" (if the need be, then other places may be shaved/waxed as well). Exception: butch lesbians, girls too uncomfortable or sensitive, or girls who are making a statement by not doing it.

59) A Chick always brings a jailed Chick the necessities ("necessities" may vary in definition for each individual, so be sure to know what the jailed Chick would appreciate).

60) A Chick will always be respectful to others' parents, even if they're driving her insane.

61) A Chick will always alert the significant other of her Side-Chick's life to an upcoming anniversary, birthday, or other important events. This is to protect the feelings of her Side-Chick, because you know that the significant other she's alerted had forgotten.

62) In the event that two Chicks lock on to the same target, they may be somewhat petty towards the opposing chick and somewhat slutty to the target. It is important that the target be aware that there is competition for his affection, but not find out just how vicious and important the situation is. Should it happen that the target choose neither Chick, they reserve the right to blame each other and call each other bad names under their breath.

63) A Chick will be completely supportive of all decisions of her Side-Chick in the event of pregnancy. This includes the touchy subject of abortion, but even then a Chick must respect any and all decisions made by the preggo Chick.

64) In the case of a road trip, the Chick that suggested the road trip must pay for the food and a fraction of all other expenses. Bad things, like car sickness or post-Taco Bell potty breaks, and it will be blamed on the Chick who suggested the road trip. Therefor, she must pay more.

65) A Chick can order any type of alcoholic drink she wants. Because, unlike men, we can have both fruity drinks with umbrellas and cheap beer.

66) A Chick shall always participate in karaoke when the even arises, and, if she can't carry a tune, reserves the right to pretend to be drunk or get drunk.

67) Should you know for a fact that your Side-Chick's significant other is cheating on her, then she MUST tell her Side-Chick, even though it'll hurt her. Getting evidence first also helps.

68) A Chick must NEVER EVER EVER get her vagina pierced.

69) Duh.

70) A Chick will drive another Chick to the airport and, if she's available, also pick her up-both of which on time and/or early. She is expected to inquire how her trip was and her general well-being, and at least offer to help her with her luggage.

71) Chicks are strongest in three's and four's. Can't explain it, but so true.

72) A Chick always spell-checks.

73) When a group of Chicks are in a restaurant, each shall pay for what they ate. No time wasting bill jockeying, and is very fair.

74) Yellow lights are an option-either slow down and accept the red light, or speed up and get across while you can.

75) A Chick can always be honest to a guy about their occupation (because she knows that he'll imagine it as a sexual role play no matter what it is... unless she's a porn star, which in itself is sexual role play... so he'll probably just jizz in his pants).

76) A Chick reserves the right to be a bit miffed should her bf act differently toward her around his Bros, but will only confront him when the Bros have all gone away. Because Chicks are courteous.

77) Chicks may always snuggle, cuddle, and spoon.

78) A Chick shall never Jock Block****** her Side-Chick(s).

79) At a wedding, a Chick shall be excited about the bouquet catch, even if she isn't, for the sake of the bride.

80) Chicks are not dolls, toys, or play-things-hazing=NO WAY IN HELL, BI-ATCH, GET AWAY FROM ME!

81) A Chick always puts the toilet seat back down-we are ladies.

82) If two Chicks get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, she is expected to take it back, apologize, and make amends. Otherwise the offended Chick reserves the right to never speak to the out-of-line-Chick again.

83) Though it is not strictly prohibited, mixing it up romantically with a coworker is not suggested. Seeing each other all the time at work after a break up? Awkward...)

84) A Chick shall stop whatever she's doing and watch The Notebook if it's on TV.

85) If a Chick buys a new car, she is required to accessorize it immediately.

86) A Chick shall accessorize. Period. Nuff said. Article 69.

87) A Chick never questions another Chick's stated amount of shoes, calories she's eaten that day, or how many times she's dyed her hair.

88) If a Chick, for whatever reason, must drive another Chick's car, she may adjust the mirrors and seat position, but put it back to the way it was before giving it back. A Chick must not let anything impair her driving.

89) A Chick does not work in the kitchen, nor does she make/bring her man a sandwich.

90) A Chick always brings over a bottle of wine when inviting to an event at someone's house. Exception: under the age of 21.

91) Chick's don't do nicknames. They do shortened versions of their names, their middle names, or variations of their names. But Chicks. Do. Not. Do. Nicknames.

92) A Chick must not, under any circumstances, become like her mother.

93) White Chicks do not try to talk gangsta. EVER!

94) A Chick does not let herself get fat.

95) A Chick is not always obligated to alert her Side-Chicks of a mega hottie. Sometimes ya just gotta be selfish.

96) Chicks shall swear off men at least once a year, for the sake of feminism. Or because of douche bags.

97) Chicks criticize college cheerleaders, as long as they're not from their college. Exception: Personal vendetta against her school's cheerleaders, or burning hatred for all cheerleaders anywhere ever.

98) A Chick will call her bf "cute" or "adorable" once in front of his Bros just for fun, then promise never to do it again. (when he's around ;D)

99) Asking for directions, maps, GPS... it doesn't matter, okay?

100) When pulling up to a stoplight, a Chick shall text. Whether or not her state has make it illegal to Text-n-Drive.

101) If a Chick asks another Chick to keep a secret, she shall take it to her grave and beyond. Yes, this will be very difficult since the human race is a very social species and she might feel the exploding need to spill the beans or gossip, but she shan't because friends are more important than having the latest scoop. Exception: if she or anyone else is in danger.

102) A Chick shall take great care in selecting her outfit for any occasion.

103) A Chick never wears Christmas colors (red and green) when it's not Christmas time. Same goes for Halloween colors (orange and black), and Independence Day colors (red, white, and blue).

104) The father and/or stepfather of a Chick is always off-limits.

105) If a Chick is not invited to another Chick's wedding, she doesn't make a huge deal out of it, even if, let's face it, she was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. It's cool. No biggie. Talking discreetly behind the bride's back may work, if she truly feels the need to make a semi-big deal out of it.

106) Jello shots are awesome. No argument. Ever.

107) A Chick never lets another Chick look like trash.

108) If a Chick forgets another Chick's name, somehow devise a plan to learn her name without actually asking her. Though, if you need her attention immediately, shouting out "Hey!" and catching up to her and speaking in an urgent fashion but still in a 'I know you, I recognize you, wanna make friendship bracelets?' kind of way usually works fine.

109) When Chicks attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron (that big TV thingy) they shall wave, point, and blow kisses.

110) If a guy orders a Chick a drink, the Chick shall use gestures to thank him for the drink, then ask the bar tender if he knows if the drink-sender is a decent guy.

111) If a Chick discovers another Chick has forgotten to sign out of her email, the Chick shall respectfully sign out for her, but only after taking a quick peek at any interesting looking messages.

112) Should a Girl Power song come on, a Chick is expected, at the very least, to shriek about how much she loves that song.

113) A Chick does not date a guy for his money. Er, does not date an old guy for his money, even though the cash is quicker. Ew!

114) Should a Chick need to bunk at another Chick's house for an extended period of time, she is expected to help pay for food, toiletries, and any delivered movie-rentals.

115) If a Chick finds a "clothing optional" beach, and it's not in Europe, then it is not suggested that you attend.

116) A Chick loves music.

117) A Chick never willingly relinquishes possession of her cell phone. Should another Chick snatch it from her, then the offended Chick reserves the right to be very angry and possibly mildly harm the rude Chick in order to retrieve her cell phone.

118) A vegetarian Chick does not eat tofu in the company of omnivores/carnivores. It's sickening.

119) If a Chick owns a convertible, she is required to, during warm days/months/seasons, have the top off, let her hair loose, and sometimes wear sunglasses.

120) A Chick calls boys she hates by their last name, or at least says their first name with disgust. Exception: name is also a racial, ethnic, or sexist epithet, or is a homophone for a cuss word.

121) A Chick reserves the right to be hyper.

122) A Chick lets guys win half the time. Enough so that he doesn't get bitter, enough so that you'll still feel good about yourself.

123) When driving with a friend following, a Chick always makes sure that she is in sight of the friend.

124) A Chick shall always help another Chick reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with some unknown dude or continuously hitting on other women. Unless she's a lesbian, then that would be normal.

125) If a Chick lends another Chick a DVD, article of clothing, CD, or anything else, she shall expect to get it back and will hold it against the borrowing Chick in the occurrence of an argument.

126) A Chick shall not hitchhike anywhere ever.

127) Chicks do not fart. A chick has to hold a fart in no matter what. She is allowed to fart only in the shower.

128) When hosting, a Chick makes sure that her bf hasn't messed with anything. And if he has, then she must fix it immediately!

129) Getting kneed in the groin hurts Chicks, too.

130) A Chick reserves the right to simply walk away after the first five minutes of a date. This is the "Lemon Law" and you can find cut outs of it in the fabled "Bro Code" (see Article 132).

131) Yes, it's true-guys really do have their own Code, much like this document. But it is full of sexist text, and obviously the author was thinking from his crotch and not his brain. As a Chick, it is our vagina-given right to frown upon The Bro Code and those who actually live by it. [A/N: I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself and cracked up all over the place as I wrote this. It, of course, is a lie-the Bro Code is hilarious and awesome, and Barney Stinsen is the King.]

132) A Chick must get a mani/pedi/facial/massage about every two months to ensure a happy and healthy internal environment.

133) A Chick shall seek no revenge if she passes out around her Side-Chicks and wakes up to find that they've pulled numerous pranks on her sleeping form (i.e. marker all over her face, the hot water trick, the shaving cream trick, etc).

134) Chicks care about the environment.

135) Chicks care about animals. And not in the 'Ooh I wonder which one is 'in' right now..." but in the very humane and loving and non-clothes way.

136) A Chick never bunks with someone else and sleeps in the nude. Exception: sex with the one(s) you're bunking with.

137) A Chick refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to her Side-Chicks.

138) If a Chick sees one of her Side-Chicks get into a fight, she attempts to rip the fighters away from each other.

139) Chicks are smarter than guys. It's a scientific fact.

*= Side-Chicks are the girls, the entourage, the clique, or the group.

**= Hey girls! I've put this down here because we all know boys don't pay attention to minor details. Now, all of what was written for boys to see in Article 3 was complete BS. Girls Rule!

***= an example of the Pyramid of Screaming is also found in The Bro Code, explained in Article 132.

****= sex toys

*****= a threesome (with two women and a man; if it's two men and a woman, it's called a Devil's Three-way).

******= Jock Blocking is when a girl (or homosexual man) removes the hunk from the SideChick (or other homosexual man), ruining the chance to possibly form a relationship or hook up.

(The Bro Code has been listed here, here, here and here.)
The Official Chick Code

Let There Be Fried Chicken!

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 02:43:00 +0000

A tasty delicacy made by enclosing pieces of chicken with a secret seasoned coating and frying them in hot fat, fried chicken is the national bird of the Democratic People’s Republic of Kentuckistan. It is known all over the world as ‘Kentucken Freakin Chicken’ or KFC to be precise.

Colonel Sanders was a poor farmer in the Democratic People’s Republic of Kentuckistan in the 1930's. He had no discernable talents, he couldn’t keep a job, the nation’s economy was dead, he had no future. However, he liked chicken. Seriously, he fucking loved chicken! What did he do with his life? The only logical thing: he started frying those webbed-footed creatures up by the truckload and selling them in a gas station--back in the days when people could actually eat food sold in a gas station. He even invented a secret recipe to pack those fried chickens with tons of saturated fat.. so that his poor countrymen could get more calories for less. His fried chicken sold so freaking fast that he opened up a company and named it Kentucken Freakin Chicken!

Fast forward to the 20th century. Today, KFC is the one of the largest fast food chains in the world. It is the single biggest export for United States of Kentuckistan. Along with clogged arteries and heart attacks, it dishes out a variety of fried chicken, some of which are..

Chicken fingers: Of course, chicken don’t have fingers. People do.

Buffalo wings: wings of a creature that is born by breeding a buffalo with a chicken.

Chicken nuggets: The balls!!

Popcorn chicken: Popularly served in movie theaters, this style of chicken is cooked in a pan of boiling oil until they explode.

Double Down Sandwich: A revolutionary new product from KFC with fried chicken on either side of the sandwich instead of bread and enough salt to give the Dead Sea a hard on!

Though doubt still exists regarding the secret herbs and spices that Colonel Sanders used, extensive speculation continues as to their nature and contents. The food magazine has recently published an opinion stating that the spices consist of crack, fenugreek, mustard, saffron, crack, asafoetida powder, chives, rosemary, tea leaves, crack, asparagus, red wine reduction, salt, pepper, crack, and crack, which according to Einstein’s theory of relativity, are a by-product of nuclear fission conducted illegally in the Colonel's Secret Underground Lair.

In recent times, critics have slammed KFC for their seemingly unhealthy food. “Compared with pure lard, we are a health food,” slammed a KFC spokesperson. Each piece of its fried chicken has 19 grams of fat and 380 calories, far fewer than a Burger King Whopper, which has 43 grams of fat and 710 calories. The grease used in KFC is not grease, it is the stuff leftover after frying McDonald’s French fries. Most of the fat has been absorbed by the fries, leaving behind only the carcinogens, which are not fatty. It’s called fast food because you can be in and out of a KFC joint in five minutes, including standing in line to order the food, eating, the onset of diarrhea, and the complete evacuation of your bowels in their restroom!!

Today, KFC continues to satisfy the food pyramid of our diet, ensuring that daily chicken requirements are met while seeing to it that the boundaries of sodium and fat intake recommendations can continue to be tested, because those guidelines were undoubtedly created by pussies!! Yo KFC, Keep Frying (those damned) Chickens! If you want a green salad, f**k off and go eat somewhere else.

Let There Be Fried Chicken!

Touched By His Noodly Appendage!!

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:03:00 +0000

This morning I looked up, and behold, the heavens aboveth me parted, and he who is noodly and meat-bally without much sauce, cameth forth and spake unto me, “Behold pasta-eating sinner, praiseth about my Noodliness in thou unholy simply ridiculous blog and thou shalt be forgiven and thou shalt rejoice in pasta-spaghetti heaven for all eternity.”

So, I set upon the divine task of unearthing the secrets of the Flying Spaghetti Monster…

In the beginning the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was hovering over the waters. And The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be light," and there was light. Then The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." So, The Flying Spaghetti Monster created man in his own image, in the image of The Flying Spaghetti Monster he created him; angel-hair and macaroni he created them. The Flying Spaghetti Monster blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and satiate it. Satiate the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and every living creature that moves on the ground." Then The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "I give you every spice on the face of the whole earth and every grocery store that has Spaghetti Sauce with oregano and garlic in it . They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give you for food to them." And so it was. The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw all that he had made, and it was very good.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today's fastest growing carbohydrate and protein-based religion. Incredibly, this ancient religion was not well-known until its rediscovery in 2005 by graduate student Bobby Henderson in his open letter to the Kansas School Board. According to Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: His Noodliness, The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

He is also responsible for Intelligent Falling, by pushing objects back to the ground with the glorious multiplicity of his noodles. There could be many reasons why He would do this. It could be that He doesn’t want us floating off earth into space, or maybe just that He enjoys touching us – we may never know.

All evidence for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The FSM tests Pastafarians’ faith by making things look older than they are. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage!!

What’s so special about the FSM??

According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians. Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christians in the Middle Ages. Pastafarianism says that they were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children. They believe that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s. And this is probably the reason why ‘Talk Like A Pirate Day’, September 19th is the most blessed of all days, equivalent to Christians' "Christmas". This is the day where the Flying Spaghetti Monster blesses all Pastafarians because they talk like pirates.

One of the major perks of being a Pastafarian is that they go to a heaven that is way cooler than ours!! It has a Stripper factory and a Beer Volcano!!

Unlike the Christian God, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was honest with His subjects and admitted to taking 3 days of rest after popping out the universe in just 4 days. As such, His Noodliness deemed that Friday, Saturday AND Sunday be days of rest, with special emphasis on Friday, in which one should drink much wine and engage in delights of the flesh.

Let us all be aware of the fact that the “The Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want” or the “Invisible Old Man In The Sky With A Large White Beard” or “The Great Sky Daddy” are all in fact different names for the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Let us all pray to the holy FSM…

Our pasta, who art in a colander,
Draining be your noodles.
Thy noodle come,
Thy sauce be yum,
On top some grated parmesan.
Give us this day our garlic bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trample on our lawns.
And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza,
For thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever.
-Ramen.

(The official ending for prayers to the FSM is “Ramen,” not “Amen.”)

Mmmm!! I am already hungry! I am off to have some spaghetti!!

Touched By His Noodly Appendage!!

Holes In The Poles

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 14:11:00 +0000

Hello... llo... llo... o... o... o. Whoa, there's an echo in here!!

Stupid old scientists thought that the earth was a solid sphere! Fools! How can something that has been going round and round for billions of years be solid?? Haven’t you ever seen a washing machine where all the clothes get thrown towards the periphery leaving an empty ‘hollow’ in between!! In the same way, there is large hollow at the center of the earth since everything was thrown outwards by billions of years of spinning.

So, great scientist John Cleves Symmes, Jr. stepped in. He actually ‘proved’ that the earth is hollow, with the crust of the earth being 800 miles thick. There exists two openings at the North and South Pole, each hole having a circumference of 1400 miles wide. The diameter of the lip at the opening at the poles is 1200 miles long, thus a person can not see the other side of the opening. At the center of the earth is not a molten core but an inner sun which is six hundred miles wide and is 2900 miles from the Inner Surfaces. Also, the sun at the center of the hollow is half dark and half bright. So the portion of the hollow facing the dark side has night and the portion facing the bright side has daytime.

Here’s a satellite photo showing the hole in the pole…

The Hollow Earth theory was also proven by Antarctic explorer Roald Amundsen, when his expedition fell into a hole at the South Pole, sending them all through to the inner surface of the Earth. There, he discovered a strange, eerie world in which lived people much like us, but with constantly popping ears!!

His first words on discovering the new inner world were, “Ewwww!! It smells like fart!!”

Sure it’s going to smell like fart. How else would you expect it to smell with all those people farting in a closed hollow chamber!!

As a hollow body, the earth is in need of a natural system of ventilation, and as you can see here, the southern opening functions very nicely, spewing up all that fart into the atmosphere, where it somehow ignites and gives rise to the ‘Aurora Borealis’.

But, who the hell lives in this ‘hollow’ inside the earth??

Hitler and his Nazis, ofcourse!!

Hitler escaped World War II in submarines into the hole in the Arctic. Over the years, they perfected their rocket technology into UFOs and used Adolph Hitler's DNA to clone a master race. So the UFOs that keep appearing on Earth come from Hollow Earth and conduct unethical experiments on Humans are some form of Nazi Science Experiment!!

The polar openings and the inner world have been one of the best kept secrets in the world. Key in coordinates 90 0.0 N 0 0.0 W in Google Earth and it will take you to the satellite images of the “north pole”. You can clearly see where they’ve “stretched” the satellite photos from the area around the pole to disguise the opening.

Who do they think they are fooling?!

The important thing is that the earth is hollow. And you gotta love that hollow!!

Holes In The Poles

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 4. Geocentricity

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 04:04:00 +0000

Geocentricity is the time-tested theory, formulated by renowned scientists like Aristotle, Ptolemy and, ofcourse, The Holy Bible, that all objects in the Universe revolve around a central point at the Earth's core. The diagram below explains the order of all celestial bodies. Earth, the largest object in the universe is perfectly stationary, while the Moon, Mercury, Venus, Sun and Mars each rotate on their own respective axes as they revolve around the earth.

The scientific notion that the Earth is motionless, and that the sun orbits around the Earth, stood unchallenged since prehistoric times. Until a Polish douchebag, named Nicolaus Copernicus, got so stoned that everything started to go round and round.

“Whoaaaaaa!! The earth is spinnin’ and spinnin’ and….”, exulted a completely stoned Copernicus.

But the only thing that is true is Geocentricity.. Why??

Because, ofcourse, the Bible says so (and, ofcourse, Bible is the oldest physics textbook of the world)…

God created the stationary world on the 1st day and it was not until the 4th day that the sun and moon were created…

"He stretcheth out the north over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing" (Job 26:7).

"The Lord (Jesus) reigneth, he is clothed with majesty; the Lord is clothed with strength, wherewith he hath girded himself: the world also is stablished (stabilized), that it cannot be moved" (Psalm 93:1).

"Fear before him, all the earth: the world also shall be stable, that it be not moved" (I Chronicles16:30)

“The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.” (Ecclesiastes 1:5)

Modern scientists, however, prefer the absurd Copernican theory that the Earth rotates around the Sun (Heliocentricity). Though this theory is funny to think about, it has a lot of obvious flaws….

1) The planet Earth is supposed to be a large, spherical shaped ball of rock flying through space at hundreds of thousands of miles per hour. But how could the Earth continue to move at the same speed for as long a time as the "round Earthers" say that it has existed for; namely, several billion years. If outer space were a vacuum, then there would be no problem. But space is not a vacuum, it is instead filled with ether (according to Biblical physics!!). The earth would have to have been pushing its way through the ether for all those billions of years. Shouldn't it have slowed somewhere along the line??

2) The earth is orbiting the sun at a radius of around five-hundred million kilometers. Were this the case, the Earth would be an accelerated object in circular motion around its sun. And the Earth accelerating in circular motion would behave no differently than would a car taking a corner: loose objects (humans and animals would act like loose change or a cup of coffee on the dashboard) would slide around, or be thrown off completely. There would be an apparent centrifugal force on everything. During the day, when things would be facing the sun and therefore on the inside of the "orbit", buildings would be crushed and humans beings squashed like grasshoppers in a centrifuge. And at night, when everything would be at the outside, trees and buildings would be ripped from the ground and flung into outer space, and humans wouldn't stand a chance.

3) The equatorial speed of the Earth is about 465 m/s; which is faster than the speed of sound (340 m/s). So someone standing east of you would never be able to hear you!!

4) A merry-go-round moves at about 10 mph and you get dizzy; the Earth supposedly moves at more than 1000 mph and you don't even notice this??

5) If the Earth were spinning, all the continents would move toward the equator.

6) The Earth doesn't have centrifugal force. Gravity is the same all over the Earth because the Earth doesn’t move. If it did go around the sun, the centrifugal force would make objects weigh TWICE less on Equator than in E.g. Vancouver, Canada.

7) On time-delayed pictures of stars, the Polaris star almost doesn’t move. The only way it can work is if both the Earth and Polaris don’t move. The Earth is therefore the centre of the universe and Polaris is its end. And everything except the Polaris goes around the earth.

8) What about satellites? Satellites go around the Earth because the space around revolves, thus pulling the satellites along with it. You can even put coca cola can and make it a satellite!!

9) Earth is spinning around thousands of miles a second, so when we jump, even if it is for a half a second, shouldn't we land miles away? (though we would probably crash into a building or something.)

Confused??

Me too!! These days you just don’t know what to believe and what not to..

We live in really confusing times. Things used to make perfect sense in the good old days when the earth was flat, the sun revolved around the earth and God spoke from the top of a mountain and death alone was certain. Then in the last couple of thousand years, we changed our tack. Suddenly, we were all sinful, flawed and fallen beings. A single male sacrifice on a cross solved that problem for a while, but then came Galileo, Copernicus, Newton and ... Darwin!!

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 4. Geocentricity

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 3. Flat Earth

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Mon, 25 May 2009 03:33:00 +0000

If you think that Ferdinand Magellan proved that the world is a sphere, then you are just misguided.. The truth is…

Ferdinand Magellan was a Portuguese Comedian who loved to get stoned. One day, he traveled west from Spain , and found elephants (African). Then he travelled east and found elephants (Asian). Since he was stoned like hell, he did not realize that these elephants are of different kinds and he thought that he was traveling to the same lands by going in opposite directions. This gave birth to the misconception that the earth is round!!

But then how do we know that the earth flat??

That’s because the Bible says so. So it must be true.. The reference to the "four corners of the earth," and the parable of Jesus being shown "all the kingdoms of the earth" from the top of a mountain are clearly impossible for a sphere, but reasonable for a flat surface. The Bible is actually the first physics textbook written by certain individuals that were (supposedly) selected by an Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy to convey the (supposedly) word of God as literal and absolute fact.

For a case in point, here is an account of a hallucination that was suffered by the "person" that wrote the Book of Daniel. In this hallucination, it is clearly revealed that the earth is flat. Keep in mind, please, that every single word in the Bible is absolutely and literally true:

"The visions of my head as I lay in bed were these: I saw, and behold, a tree in the midst of the earth; and its height was great. The tree grew and became strong, and its top reached to heaven, and it was visible to the end of the whole earth." (Daniel 4:10-11)

If in fact the Earth was round, as is claimed by the Scientific Servants of Satan, then it would not be possible for any tree to be simultaneously visible from anywhere on this planet. Only a flat Earth would allow this!!

Is there a map of the flat earth?? Yup, here’s how the map looks like..

The white outline surrounding the earth is actually a vast ice wall, approximately 150 feet high, which keep the water from running off the edge of the flat earth!!

This is not some silly joke.. There is even an organization dedicated to supporting this theory..

The Flat Earth Society is a group of the world's most brilliant scientific minds who know for truth that the Earth is a flat and that the sun and the moon are the same size going in a circle above the Earth.

And how does this society justify this flat earth theory?? Here’s how..

A ship on the horizon disappears hull first and mast last. Doesn’t this prove that the earth is spherical?? Not quite.. This happens because the Earth's gravity is bending the light rays from the hull into the ocean before they reach our eyes!!

When you look at pictures of the round Earth taken from space, you must remember that gravity bends light so straight objects appear curved and curved objects appear straight!!

And what about airliners going around the earth? What about earth satellites? Truth is that they are merely traveling in loop orbits.

How come the travel time by air from South America to New Zealand, via the polar route, is SHORTER than the travel time going North first and then South again?

The airline pilots are guided by their GPS. Remember that satellites don't exist. The replacement data given from pseudolites deliberately distort all the paths to make it seem that the flights take different times. The curvature of these paths can add or subtract great distances without the overall turning being obvious to someone traveling it.

Now, before you ask some stupid question like "what about the evidence the proves the earth to be round?", all this "evidence" has been faked by NASA because they want more money for their exploits into space. Which actually is just more money to buy big and expensive ingredients to make food!! The Flat Earthers have named this NASA conspiracy the The Conclusive Categorical Conspiracy Compendium!!

Even the selfish proponents of Global warming want the earth to be globular because if you ain't got no globe, you ain't got global warming!! Some idiots have even gone to the extent of stating that the Earth was a flat disc at some point in the past. However, due to Global warming, the surface of the planet expanded and became convex to the point that it became a sphere!!

People believe that God has the whole world in his hands. But if the world were round, it would roll out of God's hand and into damnation!! So the earth is obviously flat!!

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 3. Flat Earth

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 2. Intelligent Falling

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Tue, 12 May 2009 07:24:00 +0000

One fine day, while sitting in an apple orchard, Sir Isaac Newton decided to get stoned. To his dismay, he had run out of bongs. Being a great scientist, he thought of a solution.. An Apple Bong!!

And this is how Newton discovered Apple Bongs!!

But wait.. Where does Gravity figure in this incident??

While Newton was working on his contraption, a villager, who owned the orchard, caught him and accused him of stealing apples. Being a smartass, Newton succeeded in confusing the villager with some nonsense about a mystical force called ‘gravity’ pulling the apples towards hell.

And this is how the theory of Gravity was discovered!!

Gravity is just a stupid theory discovered by someone who was high. Even children can see how ridiculous it is to imagine that people in Australia are upside down with respect to us, as gravity theory would have it!!

The only reason Gravity is being taught in schools is because the Communists wanted so.. The mere name “Universal Theory of Gravity” or “Theory of Universal Gravity” has a distinctly socialist ring to it. The core idea of “to each according to his weight, from each according to his mass” is communist. There is no reason that gravity should apply to the just and the unjust, the rich and the poor, humans and animals equally. It’s just Communist crap!!

The theory of gravity violates common sense in many ways. Adherents have a hard time explaining, for instance, why airplanes do not fall. Since anti-gravity is rejected by the scientific establishment, they resort to lots of hand-waving. The theory, if taken seriously, implies that the default position for all airplanes is on the ground. While this is obviously true for Concorde airplanes, it appears that the Boeing and Airbus airplanes have a superior theory that effectively harnesses forces that overcome so-called gravity.

The theory of gravity violates the third law of motion too. The third law of motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. So if gravity were true, then for every apple that fell, one should fly. For every plane that flew, one should have fallen…

But then there has to be some reason, some force that causes things to fall..

The answer is an intelligent force. This dependence on the intelligent force to keep people from flying into space and to travel towards the ground when leaving a higher plain is referred to as ‘Intelligent Falling’.

Intelligent Falling is an argument against the naturalistic theory of unguided falling or Gravity. IF argues that life and other aspects of the physical universe are too complex to be able to fall through natural processes alone. Thus, various features of the universe, and of living things, are best explained by a puller and not by undirected process.

Intelligent Falling has its roots in Christian science, the well-respected alternative theory of everything, which holds that God does everything everywhere at all times, except help us reproduce or have fun, which are of course Satan's responsibilities.

Fall theory, however, leaves the identity of the Intelligent Puller open. Some say that it could only be God. While others argue that if God were pushing and pulling everything in the universe, He wouldn’t have time for anything else. So, God has an army of Angels to take care of the Intelligent Falling process. (Angels are very tiny, and undetectable with any instrument we might devise. Space is filled with them. There's a quantum sea of angels everywhere in the universe, in every nook and cranny. )

Now it would be simple to explain why does a body fall..

Angels pass it from one to another like a fireman's bucket brigade. They do this in strict accordance to the "Angelic Operations Manual", written by the hand of God, in which angelic procedures are carried out precisely so that everything that happens in the universe "goes by the book". Therefore everything conforms to the equations found in physics books—equations that scientists imagined they discovered. Once in a while a directive comes down from on high that certain procedures are to be suspended or modified when a miracle is required, but mostly things run like clockwork.

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 2. Intelligent Falling

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 1. Creationism

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sat, 02 May 2009 11:08:00 +0000

In the beginning, there was no life, and then;

POOF!

There it was.

Oops.. There was not a single poof. In fact, there were seven poofs spread over a period of seven days that created everything.

Creationism states that in 4004 B.C., God poofed everything into existence in a week using the highly sophisticated software Create-Your-Own-Planet 4.0 (The earlier Beta version 3.0 had just resulted in a Big Bang!!).

After creating man, he then decided Adam needed a companion, not out of any need to reproduce or anything, but rather because he was lonely. So, he created a woman using Adam's rib, calling her Eve. (If God didn’t have reproduction in his mind, then why the hell did he create a woman??? Why couldn’t he create a drinking partner for Adam and call him something like Mike??? Didn’t he know that women are the cause of all disaster???)

Sure enough, Eve got them kicked out of Eden. She listened to a snake she thought was talking, and took a bite out of an apple that God had forbidden them to touch. She, later, tried to defend herself by claiming to be high (the actual quote was "well you didn't say we couldn't smoke up, did you?"). Alas, the moment she offered the apple to Adam it was all over. When God, like an angry dad coming home from work, realized that they had disobeyed one of his direct orders, He had them court-marshaled and finally discharged from Eden down to Earth where they and their children would forever have to be punished for the sins that the first two people committed.

But where do the dinosaurs figure in the scheme of creation??? Ok let me get this clear too…

After poofing everything in seven days, God rested on the eight day. Actually he rested for a lot of days, because he was too tired from creating the universe. Then on the fifteenth or sixteenth day, God decided to test all the weed that he had created. Satisfied with the weed, He went to sleep again. Then He woke up on the 309th day and decide to create all the monsters that had appeared in his nightmares. And this is how God made Dinosaurs. (A bit far-fetched, I know! But this is what creationists want us to believe!!)

But then where did all the Dinosaurs go???? The creationists have an answer for this too..

After recovering from the high, God realized his mistake. He went down and killed them all off. Then He took all the bones of dead dinosaurs and placed them inside stones. And this is how God made Fossils..

But then doesn’t the radiometric dating technology prove that the earth is a billion years old???

Well, the oldest tree on earth is only a few thousand years old. This hands down proves creationism, because there should be older trees if Evolution is true about the age of the Earth being billions of years old. As for those fossils which are supposedly millions of years old, the Evolutionists are wrong. Therefore it is a fact that 99% of scientists are wrong - Their radiometric dating methods are wrong and vastly inaccurate. Fact is that Man and Dinosaurs walked together before!

Look around at the trees and other wonderful-looking organisms. How could living things of such great complexity come from? Even modern technology cannot recreate such wonderful diversity of life! The false theory Evolution states that everything evolved by random mutation over many millions of years, which is way too long for a six thousand and ten year-old universe and is obviously not true. Therefore, God exists and God made it all. Bible says it, you believe it, and that's that. No, an all-powerful God could not have made the world using evolution, it'd be so boring, he'd get tired of waiting! So, evolution and natural selection are all just crap..

Poor Mr. Charles Darwin did sound pretty convincing. But, wait a minute. Don’t you notice the similarity between him and the Lord himself.. This is because God came to earth in the form of Charles Darwin to put forward these silly crap theories, just to play with the minds of the poor humans..

Did you really believe that we have descended from monkeys!! Monkeys are literally dirty stinking apes that throw feces at each other and have totally immoral sexual relations with their neighbor's wives that are an affront to traditional Christian values. The religion of evolution says that we have a common ancestor with these horrible smelly apes. That clearly isn't true - because we find the idea absolutely disgusting. If we find the idea disgusting, we cannot have come from monkeys, therefore evolution is wrong, therefore God created Homo Sapiens out of clay and fairy dust!!

Pretty convincing argument!! Ain’t it??

May all the Evolutionists burn in Hell for eternity…

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 1. Creationism

Why Evolution And Natural Selection Don’t Make Sense..

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 07:07:00 +0000

In 1823, an Aussie dude by the name of Charles Darwin decided (while he was in the bathroom smoking crack) that there must be a reason why he looked a bit like monkeys.

In 1825, Charles Darwin embarked on what is later viewed to be the single greatest voyage of mankind, far surpassing those of Columbus or Magellan. Traveling with his lone companion, a pet beagle, he went across the street to the park. While at the park, Darwin noticed a chimp. Intrigued by the creature, he tentatively put out his hand to shake the chimp's own. But to Darwin's astonishment, the chimp reacted angrily, flailing his arms and throwing feces at both he and the Beagle. Recognizing the stunning similarities in behavior between the chimp and himself, Darwin concluded that humans must have evolved from apes.

Then a few years later, a skull was found of a dude that looked, in technical terms, "really, really weird." The guy (obviously a black dude) had such a weird skull that made the stupid scientists think he was the missing link between man and ape, according to Darwin's Theory of Evolution. Of course, none of this has been proven yet. Therefore, Mr. Homo Erectus himself (God bless his soul) was probably not stupid at all (at least we don't know that), but the men who found him and gave him that ultra-stupid name were definitely not-so-smart.

In this way, Darwin formulated the most controversial theory of all time, called the ‘The Theory Of Evolution and Natural Selection”.

According to this theory, give mother nature any lump of living cells, and an unlimited span of time, and she will develop those cells into an Einstein or a Newton!!

The concept of Natural Selection as a creative force assumes that if your mom breeds five kids, nature will kill the stupid ones, and only the smart, strong, and cute ones will survive. Which, ofcourse, never ever happens!!

Politicians, however, belie this fallacy every day. Everybody knows that only stupid and/or poor people breed. Smart people are too busy building wealth which they eventually hope will come in handy in putting the smack down on the hordes of breeders when the revolution comes.

In fact, I’d like to go one step further and say that man is going to get dumber. How??

Well, the smart ones have high-pressure jobs, can’t maintain their marriages and don’t have children. The dumb ones have lots of children. Effectively, the average stupidity on the planet increases. This will continue to happen until the chimpanzees become more intelligent (thanks to animal rights groups, who will ensure that the monkeys survive) and recruit us to do their slave work. We’ll all end up as second-rate slaves doing what someone else tells us to do all day (and sometimes even on weekends).

Now that you know the facts, the ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie won’t suck anymore!! Because that is how the future will look like..

But, surely, the theory of evolution holds true in some aspects of life… Yeah, it does to some extent!!

Remember those days as a child when the excuse "dog ate my homework" would get you in trouble. The teacher would get mad, embarrass you in front of the class by calling you lazy, a liar and a moron. Your parents would then "blow a fuse" subjecting you to some good-ole ass whooping and being grounded like "forever".

But nowadays, since things have evolved, the teacher would get fired, the school would get sued, parents would get arrested for a physical and mental abuse, and the dog would be sent to a dog psychologist and some educational therapy pending a possible sterilization for hyperactivity.

Another example of evolution is illustrated above. The Facebook and MySpace generation appears to be embarking on a disastrous evolutionary path which is turning many otherwise ordinary, normal people into hideous, antisocial faggots who live in a certain habitat known as the Internet. These horrifying creatures are considerably less developed than their human predecessors, and they are believed to be the first step towards the extinction of mankind.

Why Evolution And Natural Selection Don’t Make Sense..

2012 End Of The World And All The Other Crap

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 04:04:00 +0000

It’s the year 1000 AD. A Mayan worker is meticulously chipping on the rock, carving what looks like a celestial calendar. Suddenly, he looks up and says “What the hell am I doing? I am already 1000 years into the future.” And so he stopped carving at 2012 AD.

Or maybe this is what happened…

Then, one fine day, the guys at Discovery Channel, during one of their brain-storming sessions…

“It’s always about animals. The people are just bored of all the animal sex and shit that we air.”

“Hmmm.. Let’s invent a new doomsday situation. It worked last time with the Y2K!!”

And thus began the ‘Mayan Calendar Conundrum’….

There have been countless theories about how the world is going to end in 2012. But here are some which I felt were simply ridiculous..

1) The End Of Sanity: A large movement of the poles in a short period of time combined with a predicted record breaking solar storm that is supposedly going to happen in 2012 will cause peoples’ pineal gland in the brain to secrete dimethyltryptamine, which is a hallucinogen secreted only under certain circumstances such as at birth and near death. So if this were to happen on a massive scale people would basically be running around having visions of who the hell knows what. But this means that the world really isn't ending, we are all just going to go crazy!!

2) Tectonic Shift: Somewhere around Dec. 21, 2012, there will be a great shift in the earth's polarity that will cause the earth's inner layers to rotate inside the earth's crust. It means that Alaska will lie at the equator and all those folks who left colder climates for Florida will wake up with penguins in their palm trees. What's worse, the Cowboys could find their new stadium in Pittsburgh. (At great risk of pointing out the obvious, the polarity shift will be caused by the alignment of the earth and sun with a black hole that lies at the center of our Milky Way galaxy). To be sure, this rotation will mark the end of civilization, as we know it. The complete shift of continents, oceans and Starbucks stores will bring an end to food production, medicines and Internet porn!!

3) Failing Transformers: Apparently from time to time, giant plasma fireballs known as coronal mass ejections escape the sun’s surface on a solar wind. If one of those ejections should hit the Earth’s magnetic shield, it would cause rapid short-lived changes in the configuration of the Earth’s magnetic field which would induce DC currents in the long wires of modern power grids. This increased DC current in turn would induce strong magnetic fields that would saturate a transformer’s magnetic core, which would result in a runaway current that would cause the transformer’s wiring to heat up and actually melt. The problem is that the transformers could not be repaired, but would actually need to be replaced. A transformer replacement normally takes a well-trained crew with a spare transformer around a week. Imagine now that all of the transformers in New England, the Midwest, the Federal Corridor, and the Pacific Northwest failed at once. It could take years (estimated 10 years) to get the electricity grid up and running if these areas went down. Since our entire water, sewage, healthcare, and product delivery infrastructure relies on electricity, this would be catastrophic!!

4) Rise Of The Anti-Christ: Now, a clever theory from the followers of Nostradamus. Take the last two letters from "Obama" and the first three of "Bush" and you get "Mabus". "Mabus" is the name of the guy who, according to Nostradamus, would be the third Antichrist (after Pau Nay Oloron who was Napoleon, and Hister who was Hitler). Now, I don't understand why Obama has to be the Antichrist! Why it can't be George Bush? Or, for that matter, Osama bin Laden... You'll get also a "Mabus" if you combine the names "Osama" and "Bush"! Okay, Osama or George Bush are not living in Chicago and Barack Obama is! And what is the zip code of Chicago? 60606! Eliminate the zero's and you get 666, the Number of the Beast! It's that simple, really.

5) Time Wave Zero: Some blokes believe that time can be graphed, and changes in history are based in the increase and decrease of novelty. According to this theory, on 21st December 2012, the graph arrives to zero. We reach what is called the concrescence, a point called the "end of history". In this time humans would evolve into hyperspace, or that there will be a big change. We would be no longer under physical laws. Many of us will be able to step out of time, time travel, teleport, lift objects with our mind, maybe fly, heal instantly, have super health, have expanded knowledge and wisdom, super intelligence, start fires with our own energy, and so many other abilities! Wow, that would make us a planet of supermans!!

6) Cosmic Reconnection: December 21st 2012 will be the day on which this inner cosmos is reconnected to the divine outer cosmos. The Sun will mount its unique position to form a `gateway' between the Universe and the souls of every living creature on Earth. Our linear conception of time will crumble, and with it, fear and hatred will vanish. It will be purification at it's very best, when everyone is soaked in cosmic understanding and divine love.

So there it is: on December 20th, you'll kick your dog, yell at your spouse and cheat on cards. But a day later, you'll be calmed down into a peaceful dude with nothing but love and understanding to guide you in life. Even though it's mid-winter, it'll be summer of love for all humanity!!

7) Large Hadron Collider: It was switched on. The Earth didn't move, or even twitch. And it certainly didn’t end. But then it did stop working before it could do anything.

Maybe the world will come to an end when it is started the next time. Maybe in 2012.

8) Planet X: According to the Sumerians, when the world is on the brink of a disaster on 21st December 2012, the Planet Nibiru (popularly known as Planet X) will come close to earth and it’s inhabitants called the “Annunaki” will descend on earth and save us just like Superman at the last moment!! Good story for the next Steven Spielberg movie!!

9) Crazy Theory: Maybe zombie Archduke Ferdinand could rise from the grave along with the cast members of the original Poltergeist that died weirdly to build a landing pad for aliens, who will instantly transform all Catholics into glowing cans of Campbell's Cream of Wheat soup with psychic powers and the ability to levitate for up to three minutes at a time, a feat which causes all universal constants to fluctuate and time to reverse, whereupon the re-resurrected Jesus will spontaneously combust causing the Earth's magnetic poles to flip and a Uwe Boll movie to not suck woolly mammoth turds, an event that defies the will of Shiva the Destroyer, who shall respond by dousing the world in lighter fluid and sparking a galactic fireball the likes of which hasn't been witnessed since Mohammed farted and the big bang killed the dinosaurs!!

10) My Theory: Year 2012 A.D. An asteroid hits earth, raising billions of tons of dust into the upper atmosphere blocking out the sun for about 7 years pushing the earth into a long, cold winter. Without the sunlight, all the plants die and the world faces a brutal famine. All the lean and muscular people (Homo Sapiens) die from starvation. Only the humans with large flabs of fat survive. Thus will emerge a totally new species of humans called the “Homo Gluttirini”.

I have just one question for all the doom-mongers…

How could the world end when we have Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone to save our asses!!

2012 End Of The World And All The Other Crap

Are You Having A Bad Day?

noreply@blogger.com (DocBlue) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 03:35:00 +0000

How do you know you are having a bad day?

Is it when you are walking along and you get hit by a truck?

Or is it when you are walking along and you get shot in the crotch before being hit by a truck?

Ouch.. Maybe this is not a perfect example. But it sure is something to think about!

You are certainly having a bad day when your Siamese twin brother, who is gay, has a date coming over tonight and you have only one ass!!

It sure is a bad day for you when the letter-bomb you sent to the Prime-Minister comes back to you because you didn’t pay enough postage!!

Or when your beloved bull decides to PING you in the sweet spot!

Or when your butt-like tummy decides to take a breather in the middle of a shopping mall!

Or when your bike decides to give up after you finally get that jump right!

Or when you are eaten up by a shark after almost being saved from the raging ocean!

Or when you drop from a height of 10000 feet to find yourself land amidst a swarm of hungry crocodiles!

But certainly the worst day any man can ever have in his life is when…

Now, that’s what I call a really Bad Day!!

Are You Having A Bad Day?