Simply Ridiculous

Touched By His Noodly Appendage!!

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:03:00 +0000

This morning I looked up, and behold, the heavens aboveth me parted, and he who is noodly and meat-bally without much sauce, cameth forth and spake unto me, “Behold pasta-eating sinner, praiseth about my Noodliness in thou unholy simply ridiculous blog and thou shalt be forgiven and thou shalt rejoice in pasta-spaghetti heaven for all eternity.”

So, I set upon the divine task of unearthing the secrets of the Flying Spaghetti Monster…

In the beginning the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was hovering over the waters. And The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be light," and there was light. Then The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." So, The Flying Spaghetti Monster created man in his own image, in the image of The Flying Spaghetti Monster he created him; angel-hair and macaroni he created them. The Flying Spaghetti Monster blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and satiate it. Satiate the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and every living creature that moves on the ground." Then The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "I give you every spice on the face of the whole earth and every grocery store that has Spaghetti Sauce with oregano and garlic in it . They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give you for food to them." And so it was. The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw all that he had made, and it was very good.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today's fastest growing carbohydrate and protein-based religion. Incredibly, this ancient religion was not well-known until its rediscovery in 2005 by graduate student Bobby Henderson in his open letter to the Kansas School Board. According to Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: His Noodliness, The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

He is also responsible for Intelligent Falling, by pushing objects back to the ground with the glorious multiplicity of his noodles. There could be many reasons why He would do this. It could be that He doesn’t want us floating off earth into space, or maybe just that He enjoys touching us – we may never know.

All evidence for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The FSM tests Pastafarians’ faith by making things look older than they are. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage!!

What’s so special about the FSM??

According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians. Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christians in the Middle Ages. Pastafarianism says that they were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children. They believe that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s. And this is probably the reason why ‘Talk Like A Pirate Day’, September 19th is the most blessed of all days, equivalent to Christians' "Christmas". This is the day where the Flying Spaghetti Monster blesses all Pastafarians because they talk like pirates.

One of the major perks of being a Pastafarian is that they go to a heaven that is way cooler than ours!! It has a Stripper factory and a Beer Volcano!!

Unlike the Christian God, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was honest with His subjects and admitted to taking 3 days of rest after popping out the universe in just 4 days. As such, His Noodliness deemed that Friday, Saturday AND Sunday be days of rest, with special emphasis on Friday, in which one should drink much wine and engage in delights of the flesh.

Let us all be aware of the fact that the “The Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want” or the “Invisible Old Man In The Sky With A Large White Beard” or “The Great Sky Daddy” are all in fact different names for the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Let us all pray to the holy FSM…

Our pasta, who art in a colander,
Draining be your noodles.
Thy noodle come,
Thy sauce be yum,
On top some grated parmesan.
Give us this day our garlic bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trample on our lawns.
And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza,
For thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever.
-Ramen.

(The official ending for prayers to the FSM is “Ramen,” not “Amen.”)

Mmmm!! I am already hungry! I am off to have some spaghetti!!

Touched By His Noodly Appendage!!

Holes In The Poles

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 14:11:00 +0000

Hello... llo... llo... o... o... o. Whoa, there's an echo in here!!

Stupid old scientists thought that the earth was a solid sphere! Fools! How can something that has been going round and round for billions of years be solid?? Haven’t you ever seen a washing machine where all the clothes get thrown towards the periphery leaving an empty ‘hollow’ in between!! In the same way, there is large hollow at the center of the earth since everything was thrown outwards by billions of years of spinning.

So, great scientist John Cleves Symmes, Jr. stepped in. He actually ‘proved’ that the earth is hollow, with the crust of the earth being 800 miles thick. There exists two openings at the North and South Pole, each hole having a circumference of 1400 miles wide. The diameter of the lip at the opening at the poles is 1200 miles long, thus a person can not see the other side of the opening. At the center of the earth is not a molten core but an inner sun which is six hundred miles wide and is 2900 miles from the Inner Surfaces. Also, the sun at the center of the hollow is half dark and half bright. So the portion of the hollow facing the dark side has night and the portion facing the bright side has daytime.

Here’s a satellite photo showing the hole in the pole…

The Hollow Earth theory was also proven by Antarctic explorer Roald Amundsen, when his expedition fell into a hole at the South Pole, sending them all through to the inner surface of the Earth. There, he discovered a strange, eerie world in which lived people much like us, but with constantly popping ears!!

His first words on discovering the new inner world were, “Ewwww!! It smells like fart!!”

Sure it’s going to smell like fart. How else would you expect it to smell with all those people farting in a closed hollow chamber!!

As a hollow body, the earth is in need of a natural system of ventilation, and as you can see here, the southern opening functions very nicely, spewing up all that fart into the atmosphere, where it somehow ignites and gives rise to the ‘Aurora Borealis’.

But, who the hell lives in this ‘hollow’ inside the earth??

Hitler and his Nazis, ofcourse!!

Hitler escaped World War II in submarines into the hole in the Arctic. Over the years, they perfected their rocket technology into UFOs and used Adolph Hitler's DNA to clone a master race. So the UFOs that keep appearing on Earth come from Hollow Earth and conduct unethical experiments on Humans are some form of Nazi Science Experiment!!

The polar openings and the inner world have been one of the best kept secrets in the world. Key in coordinates 90 0.0 N 0 0.0 W in Google Earth and it will take you to the satellite images of the “north pole”. You can clearly see where they’ve “stretched” the satellite photos from the area around the pole to disguise the opening.

Who do they think they are fooling?!

The important thing is that the earth is hollow. And you gotta love that hollow!!

Holes In The Poles

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 4. Geocentricity

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 04:04:00 +0000

Geocentricity is the time-tested theory, formulated by renowned scientists like Aristotle, Ptolemy and, ofcourse, The Holy Bible, that all objects in the Universe revolve around a central point at the Earth's core. The diagram below explains the order of all celestial bodies. Earth, the largest object in the universe is perfectly stationary, while the Moon, Mercury, Venus, Sun and Mars each rotate on their own respective axes as they revolve around the earth.

The scientific notion that the Earth is motionless, and that the sun orbits around the Earth, stood unchallenged since prehistoric times. Until a Polish douchebag, named Nicolaus Copernicus, got so stoned that everything started to go round and round.

“Whoaaaaaa!! The earth is spinnin’ and spinnin’ and….”, exulted a completely stoned Copernicus.

But the only thing that is true is Geocentricity.. Why??

Because, ofcourse, the Bible says so (and, ofcourse, Bible is the oldest physics textbook of the world)…

God created the stationary world on the 1st day and it was not until the 4th day that the sun and moon were created…

"He stretcheth out the north over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing" (Job 26:7).

"The Lord (Jesus) reigneth, he is clothed with majesty; the Lord is clothed with strength, wherewith he hath girded himself: the world also is stablished (stabilized), that it cannot be moved" (Psalm 93:1).

"Fear before him, all the earth: the world also shall be stable, that it be not moved" (I Chronicles16:30)

“The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.” (Ecclesiastes 1:5)

Modern scientists, however, prefer the absurd Copernican theory that the Earth rotates around the Sun (Heliocentricity). Though this theory is funny to think about, it has a lot of obvious flaws….

1) The planet Earth is supposed to be a large, spherical shaped ball of rock flying through space at hundreds of thousands of miles per hour. But how could the Earth continue to move at the same speed for as long a time as the "round Earthers" say that it has existed for; namely, several billion years. If outer space were a vacuum, then there would be no problem. But space is not a vacuum, it is instead filled with ether (according to Biblical physics!!). The earth would have to have been pushing its way through the ether for all those billions of years. Shouldn't it have slowed somewhere along the line??

2) The earth is orbiting the sun at a radius of around five-hundred million kilometers. Were this the case, the Earth would be an accelerated object in circular motion around its sun. And the Earth accelerating in circular motion would behave no differently than would a car taking a corner: loose objects (humans and animals would act like loose change or a cup of coffee on the dashboard) would slide around, or be thrown off completely. There would be an apparent centrifugal force on everything. During the day, when things would be facing the sun and therefore on the inside of the "orbit", buildings would be crushed and humans beings squashed like grasshoppers in a centrifuge. And at night, when everything would be at the outside, trees and buildings would be ripped from the ground and flung into outer space, and humans wouldn't stand a chance.

3) The equatorial speed of the Earth is about 465 m/s; which is faster than the speed of sound (340 m/s). So someone standing east of you would never be able to hear you!!

4) A merry-go-round moves at about 10 mph and you get dizzy; the Earth supposedly moves at more than 1000 mph and you don't even notice this??

5) If the Earth were spinning, all the continents would move toward the equator.

6) The Earth doesn't have centrifugal force. Gravity is the same all over the Earth because the Earth doesn’t move. If it did go around the sun, the centrifugal force would make objects weigh TWICE less on Equator than in E.g. Vancouver, Canada.

7) On time-delayed pictures of stars, the Polaris star almost doesn’t move. The only way it can work is if both the Earth and Polaris don’t move. The Earth is therefore the centre of the universe and Polaris is its end. And everything except the Polaris goes around the earth.

8) What about satellites? Satellites go around the Earth because the space around revolves, thus pulling the satellites along with it. You can even put coca cola can and make it a satellite!!

9) Earth is spinning around thousands of miles a second, so when we jump, even if it is for a half a second, shouldn't we land miles away? (though we would probably crash into a building or something.)

Confused??

Me too!! These days you just don’t know what to believe and what not to..

We live in really confusing times. Things used to make perfect sense in the good old days when the earth was flat, the sun revolved around the earth and God spoke from the top of a mountain and death alone was certain. Then in the last couple of thousand years, we changed our tack. Suddenly, we were all sinful, flawed and fallen beings. A single male sacrifice on a cross solved that problem for a while, but then came Galileo, Copernicus, Newton and ... Darwin!!

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 4. Geocentricity

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 3. Flat Earth

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Mon, 25 May 2009 03:33:00 +0000

If you think that Ferdinand Magellan proved that the world is a sphere, then you are just misguided.. The truth is…

Ferdinand Magellan was a Portuguese Comedian who loved to get stoned. One day, he traveled west from Spain , and found elephants (African). Then he travelled east and found elephants (Asian). Since he was stoned like hell, he did not realize that these elephants are of different kinds and he thought that he was traveling to the same lands by going in opposite directions. This gave birth to the misconception that the earth is round!!

But then how do we know that the earth flat??

That’s because the Bible says so. So it must be true.. The reference to the "four corners of the earth," and the parable of Jesus being shown "all the kingdoms of the earth" from the top of a mountain are clearly impossible for a sphere, but reasonable for a flat surface. The Bible is actually the first physics textbook written by certain individuals that were (supposedly) selected by an Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy to convey the (supposedly) word of God as literal and absolute fact.

For a case in point, here is an account of a hallucination that was suffered by the "person" that wrote the Book of Daniel. In this hallucination, it is clearly revealed that the earth is flat. Keep in mind, please, that every single word in the Bible is absolutely and literally true:

"The visions of my head as I lay in bed were these: I saw, and behold, a tree in the midst of the earth; and its height was great. The tree grew and became strong, and its top reached to heaven, and it was visible to the end of the whole earth." (Daniel 4:10-11)

If in fact the Earth was round, as is claimed by the Scientific Servants of Satan, then it would not be possible for any tree to be simultaneously visible from anywhere on this planet. Only a flat Earth would allow this!!

Is there a map of the flat earth?? Yup, here’s how the map looks like..

The white outline surrounding the earth is actually a vast ice wall, approximately 150 feet high, which keep the water from running off the edge of the flat earth!!

This is not some silly joke.. There is even an organization dedicated to supporting this theory..

The Flat Earth Society is a group of the world's most brilliant scientific minds who know for truth that the Earth is a flat and that the sun and the moon are the same size going in a circle above the Earth.

And how does this society justify this flat earth theory?? Here’s how..

A ship on the horizon disappears hull first and mast last. Doesn’t this prove that the earth is spherical?? Not quite.. This happens because the Earth's gravity is bending the light rays from the hull into the ocean before they reach our eyes!!

When you look at pictures of the round Earth taken from space, you must remember that gravity bends light so straight objects appear curved and curved objects appear straight!!

And what about airliners going around the earth? What about earth satellites? Truth is that they are merely traveling in loop orbits.

How come the travel time by air from South America to New Zealand, via the polar route, is SHORTER than the travel time going North first and then South again?

The airline pilots are guided by their GPS. Remember that satellites don't exist. The replacement data given from pseudolites deliberately distort all the paths to make it seem that the flights take different times. The curvature of these paths can add or subtract great distances without the overall turning being obvious to someone traveling it.

Now, before you ask some stupid question like "what about the evidence the proves the earth to be round?", all this "evidence" has been faked by NASA because they want more money for their exploits into space. Which actually is just more money to buy big and expensive ingredients to make food!! The Flat Earthers have named this NASA conspiracy the The Conclusive Categorical Conspiracy Compendium!!

Even the selfish proponents of Global warming want the earth to be globular because if you ain't got no globe, you ain't got global warming!! Some idiots have even gone to the extent of stating that the Earth was a flat disc at some point in the past. However, due to Global warming, the surface of the planet expanded and became convex to the point that it became a sphere!!

People believe that God has the whole world in his hands. But if the world were round, it would roll out of God's hand and into damnation!! So the earth is obviously flat!!

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 3. Flat Earth

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 2. Intelligent Falling

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Tue, 12 May 2009 07:24:00 +0000

One fine day, while sitting in an apple orchard, Sir Isaac Newton decided to get stoned. To his dismay, he had run out of bongs. Being a great scientist, he thought of a solution.. An Apple Bong!!

And this is how Newton discovered Apple Bongs!!

But wait.. Where does Gravity figure in this incident??

While Newton was working on his contraption, a villager, who owned the orchard, caught him and accused him of stealing apples. Being a smartass, Newton succeeded in confusing the villager with some nonsense about a mystical force called ‘gravity’ pulling the apples towards hell.

And this is how the theory of Gravity was discovered!!

Gravity is just a stupid theory discovered by someone who was high. Even children can see how ridiculous it is to imagine that people in Australia are upside down with respect to us, as gravity theory would have it!!

The only reason Gravity is being taught in schools is because the Communists wanted so.. The mere name “Universal Theory of Gravity” or “Theory of Universal Gravity” has a distinctly socialist ring to it. The core idea of “to each according to his weight, from each according to his mass” is communist. There is no reason that gravity should apply to the just and the unjust, the rich and the poor, humans and animals equally. It’s just Communist crap!!

The theory of gravity violates common sense in many ways. Adherents have a hard time explaining, for instance, why airplanes do not fall. Since anti-gravity is rejected by the scientific establishment, they resort to lots of hand-waving. The theory, if taken seriously, implies that the default position for all airplanes is on the ground. While this is obviously true for Concorde airplanes, it appears that the Boeing and Airbus airplanes have a superior theory that effectively harnesses forces that overcome so-called gravity.

The theory of gravity violates the third law of motion too. The third law of motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. So if gravity were true, then for every apple that fell, one should fly. For every plane that flew, one should have fallen…

But then there has to be some reason, some force that causes things to fall..

The answer is an intelligent force. This dependence on the intelligent force to keep people from flying into space and to travel towards the ground when leaving a higher plain is referred to as ‘Intelligent Falling’.

Intelligent Falling is an argument against the naturalistic theory of unguided falling or Gravity. IF argues that life and other aspects of the physical universe are too complex to be able to fall through natural processes alone. Thus, various features of the universe, and of living things, are best explained by a puller and not by undirected process.

Intelligent Falling has its roots in Christian science, the well-respected alternative theory of everything, which holds that God does everything everywhere at all times, except help us reproduce or have fun, which are of course Satan's responsibilities.

Fall theory, however, leaves the identity of the Intelligent Puller open. Some say that it could only be God. While others argue that if God were pushing and pulling everything in the universe, He wouldn’t have time for anything else. So, God has an army of Angels to take care of the Intelligent Falling process. (Angels are very tiny, and undetectable with any instrument we might devise. Space is filled with them. There's a quantum sea of angels everywhere in the universe, in every nook and cranny. )

Now it would be simple to explain why does a body fall..

Angels pass it from one to another like a fireman's bucket brigade. They do this in strict accordance to the "Angelic Operations Manual", written by the hand of God, in which angelic procedures are carried out precisely so that everything that happens in the universe "goes by the book". Therefore everything conforms to the equations found in physics books—equations that scientists imagined they discovered. Once in a while a directive comes down from on high that certain procedures are to be suspended or modified when a miracle is required, but mostly things run like clockwork.

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 2. Intelligent Falling

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 1. Creationism

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Sat, 02 May 2009 11:08:00 +0000

In the beginning, there was no life, and then;

POOF!

There it was.

Oops.. There was not a single poof. In fact, there were seven poofs spread over a period of seven days that created everything.

Creationism states that in 4004 B.C., God poofed everything into existence in a week using the highly sophisticated software Create-Your-Own-Planet 4.0 (The earlier Beta version 3.0 had just resulted in a Big Bang!!).

After creating man, he then decided Adam needed a companion, not out of any need to reproduce or anything, but rather because he was lonely. So, he created a woman using Adam's rib, calling her Eve. (If God didn’t have reproduction in his mind, then why the hell did he create a woman??? Why couldn’t he create a drinking partner for Adam and call him something like Mike??? Didn’t he know that women are the cause of all disaster???)

Sure enough, Eve got them kicked out of Eden. She listened to a snake she thought was talking, and took a bite out of an apple that God had forbidden them to touch. She, later, tried to defend herself by claiming to be high (the actual quote was "well you didn't say we couldn't smoke up, did you?"). Alas, the moment she offered the apple to Adam it was all over. When God, like an angry dad coming home from work, realized that they had disobeyed one of his direct orders, He had them court-marshaled and finally discharged from Eden down to Earth where they and their children would forever have to be punished for the sins that the first two people committed.

But where do the dinosaurs figure in the scheme of creation??? Ok let me get this clear too…

After poofing everything in seven days, God rested on the eight day. Actually he rested for a lot of days, because he was too tired from creating the universe. Then on the fifteenth or sixteenth day, God decided to test all the weed that he had created. Satisfied with the weed, He went to sleep again. Then He woke up on the 309th day and decide to create all the monsters that had appeared in his nightmares. And this is how God made Dinosaurs. (A bit far-fetched, I know! But this is what creationists want us to believe!!)

But then where did all the Dinosaurs go???? The creationists have an answer for this too..

After recovering from the high, God realized his mistake. He went down and killed them all off. Then He took all the bones of dead dinosaurs and placed them inside stones. And this is how God made Fossils..

But then doesn’t the radiometric dating technology prove that the earth is a billion years old???

Well, the oldest tree on earth is only a few thousand years old. This hands down proves creationism, because there should be older trees if Evolution is true about the age of the Earth being billions of years old. As for those fossils which are supposedly millions of years old, the Evolutionists are wrong. Therefore it is a fact that 99% of scientists are wrong - Their radiometric dating methods are wrong and vastly inaccurate. Fact is that Man and Dinosaurs walked together before!

Look around at the trees and other wonderful-looking organisms. How could living things of such great complexity come from? Even modern technology cannot recreate such wonderful diversity of life! The false theory Evolution states that everything evolved by random mutation over many millions of years, which is way too long for a six thousand and ten year-old universe and is obviously not true. Therefore, God exists and God made it all. Bible says it, you believe it, and that's that. No, an all-powerful God could not have made the world using evolution, it'd be so boring, he'd get tired of waiting! So, evolution and natural selection are all just crap..

Poor Mr. Charles Darwin did sound pretty convincing. But, wait a minute. Don’t you notice the similarity between him and the Lord himself.. This is because God came to earth in the form of Charles Darwin to put forward these silly crap theories, just to play with the minds of the poor humans..

Did you really believe that we have descended from monkeys!! Monkeys are literally dirty stinking apes that throw feces at each other and have totally immoral sexual relations with their neighbor's wives that are an affront to traditional Christian values. The religion of evolution says that we have a common ancestor with these horrible smelly apes. That clearly isn't true - because we find the idea absolutely disgusting. If we find the idea disgusting, we cannot have come from monkeys, therefore evolution is wrong, therefore God created Homo Sapiens out of clay and fairy dust!!

Pretty convincing argument!! Ain’t it??

May all the Evolutionists burn in Hell for eternity…

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 1. Creationism

Why Evolution And Natural Selection Don’t Make Sense..

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 07:07:00 +0000

In 1823, an Aussie dude by the name of Charles Darwin decided (while he was in the bathroom smoking crack) that there must be a reason why he looked a bit like monkeys.

In 1825, Charles Darwin embarked on what is later viewed to be the single greatest voyage of mankind, far surpassing those of Columbus or Magellan. Traveling with his lone companion, a pet beagle, he went across the street to the park. While at the park, Darwin noticed a chimp. Intrigued by the creature, he tentatively put out his hand to shake the chimp's own. But to Darwin's astonishment, the chimp reacted angrily, flailing his arms and throwing feces at both he and the Beagle. Recognizing the stunning similarities in behavior between the chimp and himself, Darwin concluded that humans must have evolved from apes.

Then a few years later, a skull was found of a dude that looked, in technical terms, "really, really weird." The guy (obviously a black dude) had such a weird skull that made the stupid scientists think he was the missing link between man and ape, according to Darwin's Theory of Evolution. Of course, none of this has been proven yet. Therefore, Mr. Homo Erectus himself (God bless his soul) was probably not stupid at all (at least we don't know that), but the men who found him and gave him that ultra-stupid name were definitely not-so-smart.

In this way, Darwin formulated the most controversial theory of all time, called the ‘The Theory Of Evolution and Natural Selection”.

According to this theory, give mother nature any lump of living cells, and an unlimited span of time, and she will develop those cells into an Einstein or a Newton!!

The concept of Natural Selection as a creative force assumes that if your mom breeds five kids, nature will kill the stupid ones, and only the smart, strong, and cute ones will survive. Which, ofcourse, never ever happens!!

Politicians, however, belie this fallacy every day. Everybody knows that only stupid and/or poor people breed. Smart people are too busy building wealth which they eventually hope will come in handy in putting the smack down on the hordes of breeders when the revolution comes.

In fact, I’d like to go one step further and say that man is going to get dumber. How??

Well, the smart ones have high-pressure jobs, can’t maintain their marriages and don’t have children. The dumb ones have lots of children. Effectively, the average stupidity on the planet increases. This will continue to happen until the chimpanzees become more intelligent (thanks to animal rights groups, who will ensure that the monkeys survive) and recruit us to do their slave work. We’ll all end up as second-rate slaves doing what someone else tells us to do all day (and sometimes even on weekends).

Now that you know the facts, the ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie won’t suck anymore!! Because that is how the future will look like..

But, surely, the theory of evolution holds true in some aspects of life… Yeah, it does to some extent!!

Remember those days as a child when the excuse "dog ate my homework" would get you in trouble. The teacher would get mad, embarrass you in front of the class by calling you lazy, a liar and a moron. Your parents would then "blow a fuse" subjecting you to some good-ole ass whooping and being grounded like "forever".

But nowadays, since things have evolved, the teacher would get fired, the school would get sued, parents would get arrested for a physical and mental abuse, and the dog would be sent to a dog psychologist and some educational therapy pending a possible sterilization for hyperactivity.

Another example of evolution is illustrated above. The Facebook and MySpace generation appears to be embarking on a disastrous evolutionary path which is turning many otherwise ordinary, normal people into hideous, antisocial faggots who live in a certain habitat known as the Internet. These horrifying creatures are considerably less developed than their human predecessors, and they are believed to be the first step towards the extinction of mankind.

Why Evolution And Natural Selection Don’t Make Sense..

2012 End Of The World And All The Other Crap

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 04:04:00 +0000

It’s the year 1000 AD. A Mayan worker is meticulously chipping on the rock, carving what looks like a celestial calendar. Suddenly, he looks up and says “What the hell am I doing? I am already 1000 years into the future.” And so he stopped carving at 2012 AD.

Or maybe this is what happened…

Then, one fine day, the guys at Discovery Channel, during one of their brain-storming sessions…

“It’s always about animals. The people are just bored of all the animal sex and shit that we air.”

“Hmmm.. Let’s invent a new doomsday situation. It worked last time with the Y2K!!”

And thus began the ‘Mayan Calendar Conundrum’….

There have been countless theories about how the world is going to end in 2012. But here are some which I felt were simply ridiculous..

1) The End Of Sanity: A large movement of the poles in a short period of time combined with a predicted record breaking solar storm that is supposedly going to happen in 2012 will cause peoples’ pineal gland in the brain to secrete dimethyltryptamine, which is a hallucinogen secreted only under certain circumstances such as at birth and near death. So if this were to happen on a massive scale people would basically be running around having visions of who the hell knows what. But this means that the world really isn't ending, we are all just going to go crazy!!

2) Tectonic Shift: Somewhere around Dec. 21, 2012, there will be a great shift in the earth's polarity that will cause the earth's inner layers to rotate inside the earth's crust. It means that Alaska will lie at the equator and all those folks who left colder climates for Florida will wake up with penguins in their palm trees. What's worse, the Cowboys could find their new stadium in Pittsburgh. (At great risk of pointing out the obvious, the polarity shift will be caused by the alignment of the earth and sun with a black hole that lies at the center of our Milky Way galaxy). To be sure, this rotation will mark the end of civilization, as we know it. The complete shift of continents, oceans and Starbucks stores will bring an end to food production, medicines and Internet porn!!

3) Failing Transformers: Apparently from time to time, giant plasma fireballs known as coronal mass ejections escape the sun’s surface on a solar wind. If one of those ejections should hit the Earth’s magnetic shield, it would cause rapid short-lived changes in the configuration of the Earth’s magnetic field which would induce DC currents in the long wires of modern power grids. This increased DC current in turn would induce strong magnetic fields that would saturate a transformer’s magnetic core, which would result in a runaway current that would cause the transformer’s wiring to heat up and actually melt. The problem is that the transformers could not be repaired, but would actually need to be replaced. A transformer replacement normally takes a well-trained crew with a spare transformer around a week. Imagine now that all of the transformers in New England, the Midwest, the Federal Corridor, and the Pacific Northwest failed at once. It could take years (estimated 10 years) to get the electricity grid up and running if these areas went down. Since our entire water, sewage, healthcare, and product delivery infrastructure relies on electricity, this would be catastrophic!!

4) Rise Of The Anti-Christ: Now, a clever theory from the followers of Nostradamus. Take the last two letters from "Obama" and the first three of "Bush" and you get "Mabus". "Mabus" is the name of the guy who, according to Nostradamus, would be the third Antichrist (after Pau Nay Oloron who was Napoleon, and Hister who was Hitler). Now, I don't understand why Obama has to be the Antichrist! Why it can't be George Bush? Or, for that matter, Osama bin Laden... You'll get also a "Mabus" if you combine the names "Osama" and "Bush"! Okay, Osama or George Bush are not living in Chicago and Barack Obama is! And what is the zip code of Chicago? 60606! Eliminate the zero's and you get 666, the Number of the Beast! It's that simple, really.

5) Time Wave Zero: Some blokes believe that time can be graphed, and changes in history are based in the increase and decrease of novelty. According to this theory, on 21st December 2012, the graph arrives to zero. We reach what is called the concrescence, a point called the "end of history". In this time humans would evolve into hyperspace, or that there will be a big change. We would be no longer under physical laws. Many of us will be able to step out of time, time travel, teleport, lift objects with our mind, maybe fly, heal instantly, have super health, have expanded knowledge and wisdom, super intelligence, start fires with our own energy, and so many other abilities! Wow, that would make us a planet of supermans!!

6) Cosmic Reconnection: December 21st 2012 will be the day on which this inner cosmos is reconnected to the divine outer cosmos. The Sun will mount its unique position to form a `gateway' between the Universe and the souls of every living creature on Earth. Our linear conception of time will crumble, and with it, fear and hatred will vanish. It will be purification at it's very best, when everyone is soaked in cosmic understanding and divine love.

So there it is: on December 20th, you'll kick your dog, yell at your spouse and cheat on cards. But a day later, you'll be calmed down into a peaceful dude with nothing but love and understanding to guide you in life. Even though it's mid-winter, it'll be summer of love for all humanity!!

7) Large Hadron Collider: It was switched on. The Earth didn't move, or even twitch. And it certainly didn’t end. But then it did stop working before it could do anything.

Maybe the world will come to an end when it is started the next time. Maybe in 2012.

8) Planet X: According to the Sumerians, when the world is on the brink of a disaster on 21st December 2012, the Planet Nibiru (popularly known as Planet X) will come close to earth and it’s inhabitants called the “Annunaki” will descend on earth and save us just like Superman at the last moment!! Good story for the next Steven Spielberg movie!!

9) Crazy Theory: Maybe zombie Archduke Ferdinand could rise from the grave along with the cast members of the original Poltergeist that died weirdly to build a landing pad for aliens, who will instantly transform all Catholics into glowing cans of Campbell's Cream of Wheat soup with psychic powers and the ability to levitate for up to three minutes at a time, a feat which causes all universal constants to fluctuate and time to reverse, whereupon the re-resurrected Jesus will spontaneously combust causing the Earth's magnetic poles to flip and a Uwe Boll movie to not suck woolly mammoth turds, an event that defies the will of Shiva the Destroyer, who shall respond by dousing the world in lighter fluid and sparking a galactic fireball the likes of which hasn't been witnessed since Mohammed farted and the big bang killed the dinosaurs!!

10) My Theory: Year 2012 A.D. An asteroid hits earth, raising billions of tons of dust into the upper atmosphere blocking out the sun for about 7 years pushing the earth into a long, cold winter. Without the sunlight, all the plants die and the world faces a brutal famine. All the lean and muscular people (Homo Sapiens) die from starvation. Only the humans with large flabs of fat survive. Thus will emerge a totally new species of humans called the “Homo Gluttirini”.

I have just one question for all the doom-mongers…

How could the world end when we have Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone to save our asses!!

2012 End Of The World And All The Other Crap

Are You Having A Bad Day?

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 03:35:00 +0000

How do you know you are having a bad day?

Is it when you are walking along and you get hit by a truck?

Or is it when you are walking along and you get shot in the crotch before being hit by a truck?

Ouch.. Maybe this is not a perfect example. But it sure is something to think about!

You are certainly having a bad day when your Siamese twin brother, who is gay, has a date coming over tonight and you have only one ass!!

It sure is a bad day for you when the letter-bomb you sent to the Prime-Minister comes back to you because you didn’t pay enough postage!!

Or when your beloved bull decides to PING you in the sweet spot!

Or when your butt-like tummy decides to take a breather in the middle of a shopping mall!

Or when your bike decides to give up after you finally get that jump right!

Or when you are eaten up by a shark after almost being saved from the raging ocean!

Or when you drop from a height of 10000 feet to find yourself land amidst a swarm of hungry crocodiles!

But certainly the worst day any man can ever have in his life is when…

Now, that’s what I call a really Bad Day!!

Are You Having A Bad Day?

Advantage, Homo Gluttirini!!

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:50:00 +0000

Seems like I am at it again! I just can’t get rid of my annoying fascination with paunchy, obese, rotund, pot-bellied, oversized, elephantine, roly-poly, massive, gigantic, blubbery tubs of lard.

There are a lot of intriguing facts about obesity that we have always failed to appreciate. Below are some of them…

1) Scientists have discovered that human fat is 12.8 times more energy efficient than diesel fuel. The plan would see human fat used to make a super biodiesel. It is estimated that the average obese human could contribute enough energy per annum to power 2 family cars. Future plans include a stent or "tap" system based on techniques used in the rubber tapping industry, to provide a constant drip feed of this new resource. Other beneficiaries are expected to be airlines with the double bonus of less fuel weight with the new super fuel, and smaller airline seats. So, this is a win-win situation for all fatties out there. Atleast, they won’t have to shell out a fortune for gas!!

2) The Obese are more jolly, more kind, more forgiving and just generally nicer. This is not just a hasty remark, but the result of careful clinical observation. Losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but obsessive-compulsives aren't relaxing people to be with. Really thin and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented personality. In short, they are assholes!!

3) Obesity influences the global weather and, in fact, is the reason behind global warming! After years of studies linking increasing carbon dioxide levels to global warming and rising sea levels, scientists have abruptly changed course and now claim "The Greenhouse Effect" does not, in fact, exist. According to the National Academy of Sciences, the Earth's surface temperature rise of about 1 degree Fahrenheit in the past century is actually due to the fact that the Earth's crust is sinking into the earth's core. The compression of the Earth's crust by 59 million morbidly obese humans not only causes the waves to crash ever higher onto U.S. shores, but is also expected to lower Denver's altitude from a mile-high to that of Death Valley by 2022.

So what if they are ‘good for nothing’. Atleast they are ‘bad for everything’…

4) Did you know that the fatties have an exclusive ‘Create a Tsunami’ competition which is held every 10-15 years at an undisclosed location somewhere in the islands of the Indian Ocean…

Did you really believe that an earthquake in the Indian Ocean caused the devastating 2004 Tsunami!!

5) Who needs a Large Hadron Collider when they can create tears in space-time in their vicinity all by themselves. This is caused by their extreme weight which distorts matter around them and causes food to fall in upon itself, creating minute black holes as explained in Stephen Hawking's “A Brief History of Fatties”!!

6) Contrary to the popular belief, the obese do exercise a lot. Surely carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day is really good exercise!!

7) They can hide up to four cans of beer under their belly and still walk without any hint of what they are concealing. They could also be the perfect person to smuggle drugs into concerts, because no one would ever dare lift up their roll to frisk them there!!

8) Obese people make better lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G.K. Chesterston referred to as the "promise of pneumatic bliss."

9) Obese people don’t suffer from the terrible, rare disease called ‘Anorexia’. Those who consider the highly trained lean, fit athlete to be the ideal human might want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/hr for an hour. It has tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that might deplete the Earth's resources. So why didn't this marvel of nature become a widespread species? Something to think about!! This is probably nature’s way to prove that lean, mean and fit are not the king of the ‘Survival Of The Fittest Game’.

10) Finally when they die, they will have 35-40 men carrying their coffin...LIKE A KING!!

Maybe, we could have a ‘Girth Day’ in their honor too!!

Advantage, Homo Gluttirini!!

All You Wanted To Know About The Recent Terrorist Attacks, But Were Afraid To Ask

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 04:14:00 +0000

A few days back, the Sri Lankan Cricket team was ambushed by a group of terrorists while travelling from the hotel to the stadium. This was a really surprising attack considering the fact that cricketers are revered like Gods in the sub-continent. Yup, even the terrorists are hardcore cricket fans!!

As it turns out, the terrorists were actually students of the Terrorist Training School in Talibanistan, which is affiliated with the Jihadi International University. They were enrolled in the MBBS course – ‘Masters in Bomb Blasting Strategies’. And not the MSc degree – ‘Masters in Suicide Course’. Probably, that was the reason they left after hurling a few grenades and killing just 6 policemen!!

Another interesting finding was that each of these terrorist carried packets of dried fruits and dates. This proves that they were some of the good Taliban who had just come to watch a game of test cricket and got so bored that they decided to have a training session instead!!

Now, who the hell are Good Taliban??

Ok. Let me explain. For administrative purposes, Pakistan Government has classified the Taliban into the following categories:

- Bad Taliban: The hungry, half naked ones found in Afghanistan.

- The Good Taliban: The ones that recently took over Swat region of Pakistan.

- And then finally, the really really Good Taliban: The ones that run the Pakistan Government.

Nevertheless, their complete failure to kill even a single Sri Lankan cricketer prompted the Pakistani Prime Minister to say, “In the worst ever performance by our home grown and trained terrorists, all the visiting Sri Lankan cricket team members left Pakistan shore alive. This would certainly tarnish the image of Pakistan as a breeding ground of terrorism. Our credibility to produce world class terrorists has taken a serious beating. The government has asked the ISI to focus on improving the training standards and urged the terrorists to take their training and careers seriously.”

The Pakistan Police have also revealed the names of those involved in this attack following criticism from international media. The names are Kiluwita Bomah, Tuchma Poosibech, Awan A Fuqya, I-Sheet M’Drurz, Yuliqa M’Diq, M’ Balz Es-Hari, Uwana M’Diq, Usuqa M’Diq, Graabir Boubi, Haid D’Salaami, Hous Bin Phartee, I-Bin Pharteen, Shaif Hirboush, Al-Suq Akweer, Apul Madeek-Aoud, Giting Pakdwof, Rubba Boubi, Aise Alhata Boubis and Ikil Uall.

On the other hand, the Sri Lankan cricketers, surprisingly, were holding on quite well.

Team captain Mahela Jayawardene explained the civil war in Sri Lanka had left them better able than other teams to cope with the atrocious attack. "We have been brought up in a background of terrorist activities," he said, "this was just another day at the office for us.”

Mutthaiah Muralitharan, the world’s best offspinner, too added, "We are used to hearing, seeing these things. Firing, bombings. So we ducked under our seats when the firing began and waited - we were talking about the wicket, because it might take spin on the last day.”

This failed attempt has also led to serious concerns over the use of cheap Made-In-China ammunition and grenades. Pakistan Government has ordered a high level probe consisting of all ammunition experts under the leadership of A.Q. Khan (father of the Iran’s Nuclear Program), to study the unexploded grenade for the reasons why it did not perform expected duties.

The Chinese Premier has also issued a public apology to Pakistan People for failing to live up to their expectations and vowed to strengthen their R&D and manufacturing facilities to re-instill the confidence in consumers.

Facing flak from the entire world over the failure of the war against Taliban, President Obama said that, “We need divine assistance to deal with these Pakistanis.”

But, in this case, even God won’t be able to help!!

All You Wanted To Know About The Recent Terrorist Attacks, But Were Afraid To Ask

I’m The King Of The World!!

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 05:09:00 +0000

That is for a day… Friday, March 6th to be precise.. Here’s why..

Best blog of day.. Bestowed upon me by BlogOfTheDayAwards.

Close Encounters Of The ‘Fat’ Kind

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 04:33:00 +0000

I came across so many fat people in the US that I sometimes think that ‘United States of America’ should instead be called the ‘United States of Fatropia’ or the ‘United States of Gigantia’. Maybe America is the only country in the world where people weigh more than the country itself!!

Ok.. Enough jokes for now. There is more to obesity than meets the eye. In reality, obesity is merely a type of lifestyle, like athleticism or being a geologist! In the last twenty years, the US Surgeon-general has succeeded in brainwashing many people into considering obesity as an evil that must destroyed. But, never has anyone, in the entire history of mankind, considered the positive side of being like a hippo.

According to the theory of evolution by Darwin, obesity is an adaptive mechanism to survive food shortages. And as the human population grows and food supplies dwindle, these guys with huge reserves of fat will obviously have the upper hand in the ‘Survival of the Fittest’ game. ‘Homo Sapiens’ will be totally superseded by ‘Homo Gluttirini’.

And after the ‘Homo Gluttirini’ take over, the world will look somewhat like this…

And, obesity is good for the economy too.. Companies like McDonalds and Burger King could not function without the gluttonous patronage of the weightily-challenged, and more than 1 million people in the US eke out a living serving fast food to fat fools!! Other organizations that rely on fatties for their existence include fitness centers, weightwatchers groups, diet food companies, liposuction clinics and chip shops, and some analysts believe that, if USA were to abstain from fatty foods, the economy would collapse under the lack of weight!!

Obesity also helps in keeping the unemployment rate low. Confused? Ok.. Let me explain.. Obese people die early or quit their jobs early due to morbid illnesses. This allows other people to get their jobs. If everyone were fit and healthy, everyone would live forever and work forever and fewer people would get new jobs. Some economists believe that if obesity were eradicated, then the world economy would go into permanent recession. Obesity, hence, is imperative to maintain a high GDP growth rate!!

Fat people are also essential for maintaining everlasting peace in the world. Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding together in turbulent mobs? Nope, it’s always the lean, hungry men who are continually worrying society, and setting the whole community by the ears. Feed those skinny Al Qaeda men and see the effect!!

Do you ever wonder why elevators or escalators or automatic doors or cars or computers or even mobiles were invented?? They were invented by lazy, fat blokes for fat blokes who didn’t want to do the hard work. If everyone were lean, mean and fit, these inventions would have never seen the light of the day. Obesity, indeed, is the mother of invention!!

These are just a few reasons why the evolutionary trend would prefer ‘Homo Gluttirini’ over ‘Homo Sapiens’.

So, does this mean that skinny people stand absolutely no chance in the scheme of evolution???

No reason to despair guys. Because, the researchers in the ‘Great Obesity Clinic of America’ have developed a new technique called the ‘Lipocramming’ which involves shoving fat into your tummies and asses through an iv needle. Finally, a ray of hope for us!

There are two types of obesities that you can try out…

Lipocram the fat into your ass and get the ‘Ass-Burger’ type…

Lipocram it into your tummy to get the ‘Tomato Tummy’ type…

So, let us all make a new year resolution to stuff our arteries and veins with Mac-Cholesterol, Burger Fat Kings and Kentucky Fried Fat!!

Tonight we dine in hell!!

P.S. Please do not read this if you are suffering from high cholesterol or high blood pressure or diabetes mellitus.

Saving The Environment – The Crazy Way!!

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 07:41:00 +0000

Sure, Global Warming will be the biggest crisis in history involving the rise of the sea levels and mass loss of homes. Sure, a couple million people will be out of their cities. There has been so much bullshit on Global Warming that it seems more like ‘Global Boring’ to me now.

Who cares what happens in the next 100 years? It won't happen within the next week, so why deal with it now? Who cares if the ocean levels rise? Atleast it would be easier to climb Mt. Everest if the mountain tops melt. Nobody will have to plow their driveway anymore!

Maybe, I do care a bit. So, to show my concern for the environment, I conducted a survey by asking some questions on Global warming and environment to some random people. Below are listed the replies I received from these people…

(1) “Global Warring? Yeah. I love Global Warring! I am planning to declare war on Iran next month and then North Korea and then….” – President George Bush, on being asked about his views on Global Warming for the first time.

(2) “Sure, the planet’s going a little warmer. But it won’t feel so bad ‘cause you will be ankle-deep in water!!” – President George Bush, on being explained the theory of Global Warming.

(3) “We can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius.” – President George Bush.

(4) “If you wanna save the world, you better figure out what to do with Al Qaeda. They got bombs!!” – A CIA official.

(5) “We are doing our bit for the environment. We are going to move from the ‘One Child Policy’ to a ‘Share A Child’ policy.” – Chinese Minister of Family Planning.

(6) “I heard that fart contains methane gas. Kill anyone who farts too much!!” – Chinese Prime Minister.

(7) “What?? Global warming is attacking us?? We need more foreign aid to buy missiles to defend ourselves!!” – Prime Minister of Pakistan.

(8) “In our continuing effort to counteract global warming, we have decided to bring back the Cold War.” – Russian Prime Minister Putin.

(9) “I help the environment by wearing wigs. People put a lot of chemicals in their hair, then they wash it out, it goes right into the river, and then people gotta drink that water. When you wear a wig, just flush it down the toilet. It ends up in your glass, well then atleast you can see it!!” – A Hair dresser.

(10) “Deny that Global Warming is a theory by burning every copy of Newsweek that reported Global Warming.” – A protagonist of the Global Cooling theory.

(11) “If the earth dies, that would be tragic, but I would sure like to sell that coffin.” – A Funeral Director.

(12) “I drive my SUV all the time. If I walk, I have to eat more and if I eat more, I have to shit more. And shit pollutes the environment!!” – American guy.

(13) “I save the environment by driving as much as I can. You ride that train? That train is filthy man!! You know it’s dirty as hell. Full of black people!! If you wanna save the planet, get rid of them trains.” – A racist guy.

(14) “When working on a project, I accidently invented the perpetual motion machine. But, I won’t reveal that to anyone. I don’t want to be on the hit list of all the power companies. Hell no!!” – A scientist.

(15) “We should abolish the environment, for its hard to clean and it takes too much place!!” – A blonde.

(16) “I don’t know what a tree looks like. I think I once saw it on Discovery Channel. Looked cool!!” – A New Yorker.

(17) “Is the north pole melting? Where will Santa stay??” – A concerned 6 year old.

(18) “Make it legal to hunt global warming. See some warm air? Shoot it. Found some aerosol? Shoot it. See someone driving a hummer? Blow up the hummer. Do your part today to fight global warming and save the polar bears.” – A polar bear hunter.

(19) “Why don’t we all turn on our ACs and keep the doors open? That is bound to cool down the environment.” – A sheikh in Saudi Arabia.

(20) “I think I won’t mind the rising sea levels. My house will be much closer to the beach!!” – A bloke in Little Rock, Arkansas.

(21) “Global Warming extremists don't seem to understand that even if skiing opportunities become extinct, there will be unlimited water skiing possibilities in the future.” – A skiing enthusiast.

(22) “Oxygen is the real culprit behind global warming. If there was no oxygen, the human race wouldn't exist, and henceforth the process of global warming would not exist.” – Hitler.

(23) “Greenhouse gases? I thought they escaped through the hole in the ozone layer.” – An over-smart whiz kid.

(24) “Fill a bottle with water before you throw it away. This will prevent sea-level rise.” – A blonde on the beach.

(25) “Stick a cork in every cow's ass.” – A farmer, on being explained that methane from cows’ farts contribute to Global Warming.

Seems like some of these guys were good at coming up with simply ridiculous, solar powered excuses in my hypothetical survey. But if the future lies in the hands of people with such views, then I can say just one thing. The future for Mother Earth is totally bleak. In fact, there is no future!!

But, why should I give a crap about it? Global Warming is a pain in the ass for the future generations. Not me!!

You’ve Got Spam!!

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 04:43:00 +0000

“The seven deadly sins of the modern world – greed, wrath, gluttony, pornography, envy, indifference and spam.” – Me.

Sin or no sin. I just love spam emails!!

Yes that's right, I love getting emails telling me that there is a Nigerian man ditched on the international space station with no way back and his family is trying to raise funds to send a space-ship to fetch him.

I love the emails that tell me I have won a million dollars in a lottery. I used to keep count of the total amount of money I had won. But soon I lost count and I think by now I should have won a gazillion bazillion dollars. Wow! I might just be the richest guy on the earth!!

My morning coffee tastes bland without seeing a letter from someone I've never heard of proclaiming my dead relative in Saudi Arabia has died and left me his fortune which he got from being a pacifier tycoon.

Some of my favorite spam are….

(1) "Add extra inches to your war cannon."

"Rock her world with your elongated bayonet."

"Shoot further with your flamethrower of love."

"Make her pull the pin on your new sex grenade."

"You'll feel like the king of the old west when you're packing a bigger pistol."

"Mob bosses will have nothing on your huge machine gun."

"Ram your massive submarine into her battleship."

"She'll get more than bubblegum from your huge bazooka."

– These are the popular one-liners from those p*nis enlargement guys. How the hell did they know my size?

(2) E-Bay tips for Dummies – Mind your tongue. Who are you calling dummies?

(3) Viagra for peanuts – Why the hell do I need Viagra?

(4) Get Your Free I-Pod – Why didn’t you tell me that you were giving away I-Pods for free? I wouldn’t have thrown away a 100 dollars on buying one.

(5) Get Paid While You Sleep - Who said if you snooze, you lose.

(6) Refinance Before it’s Too Late - Too late for what? I haven’t even taken a loan yet!!

(7) Hot Chicks in Your Area - Does that mean the KFC around the corner?

(8) We have Found Your Missing Money – Have you been looking under my sofa cushions again ?

(9) Drug Rehab Center – How did these guys know that I was taking too many Tylenols?

(10) Stop Paying Taxes! - And start going to prison, right?

(11) Great Careers Opportunity - Did I mention I’m still studying?

(12) Acai Berry to loose inches from your waistline - Sorry guys. I have to put on a lot of weight before I can think of loosing some!!

(13) Get Your Degree Online - Wow! I can be a doctor online? Why the hell did I spend 6 years in Med school?

(14) A Woman Wants You - This must be from my fiancé needing money again!!

(15) Puerto Rico Land is Yours - Funny, I don’t remember ordering any.

(16) Microsoft Lottery Winner - The first thing I will do with this money is to dump my vista laptop and buy a Macbook.

(17) Black Singles Network - Um, again, I am neither black nor single.

(18) For Christian Singles! - Um, I am neither.

(19) Some guy wanting me put 100000000000 dollars in my account – Man! I can’t even put a name to that figure even though I was good at math!!

(20) Some other woman telling me that I could help her by pretty much laundering money.. No Thanks!

(21) Get Hoodia Gordonii and loose weight overnight – Sounds more like an African monster!

(21) Something in Chinese...

(22)Forward this email to atleast 12 guys - The integrity of the systems that forward email around the world depend upon everyone diligently forwarding every interesting email to at least their twelve closest friends. Note failure to send such mails can also result in bad luck, deteriorating health and the deaths of small children. Like this one guy, he didn't forward one, and he woke up at the bottom of a well where he was killed. True story!!

(23) I have a business proposal – These business proposals are like a Back-to-the-Future meets Matrix meets Star Trek type of thing. Totally weird!!

And once again, this is what the omniscient Uncyclopedia has to say about spam emails…

“The term SPAM took new life with the invention of the WWW (West Wisconsin Waste) in 1873. An acronym for Solicited Piece'o Actual Mail, SPAM allowed millions to realize the full value of the Internets. Millions of penii were lengthened. Nigeria became the richest country on Earth, as even low-level government functionaries became able to access forbidden bank accounts. Every single person in South Carolina obtained a Master of Mental Health Counseling degree from the University of Mississippi. And hot, hot bestiality replaced croquet as America's National Pastime. SPAMmers became the heroes of the 1940's Gilded Age, and their exploits were sung about by bards and lumberjacks. Notable SPAMmers and SPAMrunners (spam couriers) include Beowulf and Roland. Much has been written about Beowulf's exploits on the Internet, such as the time when he fought his way through a horde of Francium bubbles in order to deliver a package of Grade-A SPAM to a poverty-stricken Nigerian colony. Beowulf later met the noble Interknight Roland and together they braved an AOLian citadel, where they slew the Vorpal beast and freed captured SPAM POWs from reprogramming. Leading historians note that Beowulf was in fact German and therefore may not even exist. What about grendel ? He is the Siberian Perrogative Astrodynamic Monstrosity.”

Sometimes, it’s fun to just send a stupid reply to these spammers. Snapsam, over at the Stuft blog, has composed her own please help email which could be sent in retaliation to those fake missing children emails and similar spam which often litter our inboxes.

“I really need your help….

I lost the keys to my house. They've been missing now for two weeks. Maybe if we pass this email on to everyone we can work together to find them. Even if it goes overseas, who knows they may have been "keynapped" and taken as far away as Canada, India or Mesotaplioma.

With God on our side, they will be found. I'm begging you please forward this to everyone in your address book if you do, your good deed will be payed back to you ten fold.

I don't know how it works it just does. Trust me. Forward this email to all your friends and family and I guarantee they will return the favor by forwarding you all their crap email for the rest of your natural life.

If you forward to >5 people, you will feel like you have lots of friends as they start forwarding you all their spam emails.

Forward to >10 people and your love life will be enhanced by offers of p*nis enlargement therapy.

Forward to >20 people and I will personally come over to your house drink all your liquor and tear your computer out of the wall so you can never forward this crap to anyone ever again.”

I just don’t understand how some people are still falling for the scams that these spam mails entail; come on people if someone is called Roger Digeridoo from flippin Nigeria and his Grandad made millions and it’s locked in a bank in the Ivory Coast do you think it’s true!!! But then.. How would I get to enjoy such morning masala if not for these stupid guys!! Keep it coming spammers!!

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5 Things I Hate About USA – Part 5. American Football

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 06:55:00 +0000

I don’t like a lot of sports like golf and baseball. But, American Football leads the list. I never seem to understand America’s obsession with American Football.

What’s so entertaining about a bunch of doughy, sweaty men in shoulder pads and pedal pushers lining up in front of each other time and again just to slam into each other and land in a pile while some scrawny guy tries to throw the ball to some other scrawny guy before the fat guys jump on him. It's just simply ridiculous!!

And why the hell is it called ‘Football’? Neither is it played with the foot nor does the ridiculously shaped ‘ball’ look like a ball in any imaginable way. Why don’t they call it the ‘Hand Egg’?

I believe that American Football is popular since it helps to keep the crime rate low in America. After all, it is a perfect way for these guys to get rid of their aggression without having to go to jail for it. Everyone is given a free pass to hit the shit out of each other till someone falls unconscious on the grass!!

American Football is just an hour long sport which actually lasts for four hours – arguably the slowest game on earth! There are ads with each change of possession, most time-outs and challenges, between quarters, the 2-minute warning, after every score, half time, another set of challenges and time-outs, another 2-minute warning, booth reviews, injuries - it's just ridiculous. Jut try turning the TV on at random in the middle of a game. If there aren’t ads showing and anything is actually happening, it’s a miracle. And if anyone says cricket is slower, I’ll let Geoffrey Boycott loose on them!!

And what’s so super about ‘Super Bowl’? Does it have wings or something? Did it win the ‘super’ title from Superman in a poker game? Anyways, the Uncyclopedia defines it as, “The Super Bowl is a collection of high-priced, high-production-value television commercials directed at 18-45 year old males with arrested development, presented annually a few weeks after the holidays.”

American Football is a lot similar to Rugby with a name that’s been stolen from Football. So, what’s the actual difference between American Football, Rugby and the real Football (that thing which Americans recognize by the name ‘Soccer’). Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen. Soccer is a gentleman’s game played by beasts. American Football is a beastly game played by beasts!!

What’s the big deal in a sport that is probably played by only two countries, USA and Canada?

Ok.. Here’s what some smart asses like me have to say about this…

Ass slapping, tight pants, excessive protection, and a ridiculously shaped ball. Sounds like a bunch of schizophrenic ten-year-olds developed this game.
- Oscar Wilde

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
- Erma Bombeck

Most football teams are temperamental.That's 90% temper and 10% mental.
- Doug Plank

You have to play this game like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four.
- Dan Birdwell

Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.
- Frank Gifford

American football makes rugby look like a Tupperware party.
- Sue Lawley

The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Phyllis Diller

College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture.
- Elbert Hubbard

It's football you retards! Stop changing it's name to make your American sport look good.
- Obviously not me!

P.S. This post is just meant to be satirical. So, if you can’t get the satire and decide to send me hate mail, then you should certainly get your brain examined by a Neurologist for the pathological condition characterized by the loss of sense of satire.

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5 Things I Hate About US – Part 4. Shopping Malls

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 15:55:00 +0000

I suspect I am genetically predisposed to scorn shopping unless it is something related to computers or cars. But, surely, I am not the only genetic freak. Nature has created an entire breed of humans like me who just hate those swanky, humongous monstrosities called shopping malls.

This is what the reliable Uncyclopedia says about the origin of this curse on mankind called shopping malls..

“The Zarathustra Bible of 8000 BC reveals the origin of shopping mall. It was under the third full moon that Baal decided to punish humanity. His curse was called…. The Shopping Mall!! Baal himself said, “Those who like to walk slow shall be in the way of those who like to walk fast. Women shall bring their screaming children and ignore them completely. From the Zarathustra Bible, page 86.”

I hate everything about shopping malls. Bored parents with hoards of children screaming to ride the toy horse. Massive herds of 13 year olds just looking for a hang out place away from home. And not to mention the saleswomen sprinting after the ladies with stinky perfume samples, the smell of stale chicken and hamburgers from the fast food restaurants, the plump mall cops swishing around on Segways and weirdoes throwing used credit cards and store coupons in the wishing fountains.

Then there is Old Navy. The clothes here are so over-sized that I often wonder that “Do they make clothes for a human or a bunch of humans!!'” I once came accross a pant that could fit three of me or a baby elephant!!

And forgive me if I just hate buying over-priced ‘Made in India’ clothes from American malls. I can easily get better quality clothes for a much cheaper price in India!

Another nuisance are those damn crappy stalls in the middle of the malls trying to sell you crap like chinese massages, weird gizmos and beauty products claiming to be made from natural ingredients like stuff from the oceans or rainforests!! Do these people think I am insane? If I ever want these beauty stuff, I will go to the beach and get all the ingredients for free!!

I know that America is the fattest nation in the world and so there are going to be fat people everywhere. But, I just hate having to make some massive detour because some big fat guy decided to take a break in the middle of the walkway.

The malls are also the perfect breeding spot for an extremely dangerous species called the ‘Survey Takers’. These beasts relentlessly pursue you until you give in and agree to be tortured by their questions like what brand of underwear you use, what perfume you put on and so on.

And, of course, the one thing that almost everyone hates. The Parking Garage!! These are labyrinths where people wander around aimlessly trying to remember where they parked. It is rumored some people were there so long they hooked up, started families, brought about a new subculture of youth that have never been touched by natural light or breathed non-ventilated air!!

Finally, I can say that absolutely nothing can make me want to go to the malls. Except, ofcourse, one thing…

That is if Robin Sparkles personally sings me the song “Let’s go to the mall”… Only if..

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5 Things I Hate About USA – Part 3. Airport Security

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 05:44:00 +0000

I have this stupid habit of asking “Do I look like a terrorist?” whenever a security officer goes through my luggage. Most of them just smile it off. But the security officers at the Orlando International Airport seemed to take it a tad too seriously. As a result, I was frisked and questioned for almost half an hour.

Maybe I was asking for this. But then, I don’t look like a terrorist in any way.

I have been to almost 8 airports in the United States and I have come to one conclusion. The airport security officials in USA are just too wary of foreigners.

Today, airport security is one of the many forms of state sponsored torture, which includes the likes of CIA and FBI. The only difference being that airport security is meant to torture/molest regular (non-terrorist) foreigners, so as to discourage them from coming to the United States and stealing jobs from American citizens.

This is what Uncyclopedia has to say about the origin of airport security….

“Airport security was originally a form of torture utilized by certain Aztec religious sects in the early 19th century to prevent diplomats and explorers from leaving the country without first being eaten. The ritual basically consists of three parts: first, the tribesman would offer a small animal as a sacrifice to their "terrible supernatural avenger" by feeding it through a tunnel that emitted harmful rays. The victim would then stand spread eagle while a shaman poked around his genital area with a small stick; and the ceremony would reach its bloody climax when a large tribesmen, having found toenail clippers among the travelers belongings, would beat him to death with a club. Later on in the year 1977 when a young American managed to befriend and destroy all the Aztecs, he brought the tradition to the U.S. under the name "security" which is a verbal corruption of ‘stick beating’.”

“They took my doughnut and my coffee!” shouted an Arab guy, after having been frisked by the security officials. Sure they had to confiscate it. What if the guy assembled a bomb on the plane from a doughnut and a coffee!! These days you never know what things they can build a bomb from!!

With such stringent standards, they catch every dangerous object, right? Hell no!! I once got through a security checkpoint with a Swiss knife after getting my apparently far more dangerous half-empty toothpaste confiscated!! Ofcourse, I never knew that I had the Swiss knife in my carry-on until it was confiscated at the next airport.

These guys are just concentrating so much on confiscating extremely dangerous items like water bottles, hair sprays, body lotions and pickles, that they even allowed a bloke to carry ‘Snakes On The Plane’!! Everyone knows what happened after that!!

There is an anecdotal incident in which a Pakistani guy was subjected to tests for suspected explosives in his hair!! Apparently the poor guy had just applied generous amount of hair oil, which the airport security believed to be nitroglyceride or maybe, plutonium!!

Just recently, the U.S. government raised the national security level to orange, which means that there is high risk of terrorists attacking you with oranges. You might think that I am just joking. Absolutely not!! Try squeezing an orange peel into your eye, and you will know why it’s such a big threat!

In sharp contrast, Indian airport security personal are little angels!! You can sneak in a a nuclear warhead without even being noticed!!

But, I guess you can’t expect Indian politeness, patience and courage everywhere. Where else would you find people living under a constant threat of terrorist bombings and yet not giving a shit about it?

And finally, here are some fictional quotes from some well-known people on the subject of airport security…

“They are FUCKS”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Secretly, I bugged the windows I gave them for their metal detector. They never knew. What a bunch of fucks”

~ Bill Gates

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5 Things I Hate About USA – Part 2. DBCAs (not ABCDs!!)

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 06:56:00 +0000

Yeah.. You heard me right. The next on my hate list are the hypocrites, often known as DBCAs, Desi Born Confused Americans. Maybe it’s more of a feeling of pity than hate.

First, let me get all these terms clear. The official NRI dictionary defines FOBs (Fresh of the Blocks) as guys who have immigrated to the United States less than 2 years ago, while all those who have been in the US for a period longer than 2 years are classified as DBCAs.

No hard feelings guys. But, holy crap on a cracker!! You guys are even more pathetic then ABCDs. In fact, ABCDs are just poor guys stretched thin between conflicting cultures, quite unwillingly.

“We are not at all confused!” this is what most of the DBCAs would scream. Oh really? You would say it’s all about adjusting and searching for their identity in the new country. Well then, you absolutely suck at this!!

These DBCAs, hit by the cultural and linguistic asteroid, fare much worse than the dinosaurs which were hit by an asteroid during the Cretaceous period. The dinosaurs just disappeared. But these guys, in response to this catastrophic change, evolve into something which would puzzle Darwin himself. Some of the distinguishing features of DBCAs are mentioned below….

- Interestingly, all of them adopt a pseudo-American accent which sounds just simply… pseudo!!

- Almost all of them either sport a goatee or a spiky hairstyle. (I know that getting a hair-cut is costly in the US. But come on guys!! Enjoy your hair while you still have it!!)

- Just can’t come to terms with the American system of measurements, and often are at their wits’ end. (Include me in this too!!)

- They try hard to follow basketball or baseball or American football, obviously without even a hint of interest, again just to blend into the social groups.

- They wear colorful t-shirts with ‘in your face’ portraits of pop stars or sports teams they hardly ever know.

- They usually try to watch a lot of ridiculous Hollywood movies, just so that they are not left behind in conversations with their colleagues.

- Even though they force themselves to watch TV shows like ‘Two And A Half Men’, ‘How I Met Your Mother’ and ‘The Big Bang Theory’, they rarely can ever grasp the sarcastic humor.

- Can’t usually make sense of conversational humor. For example, two American guys and an Indian guy are talking. The first guy says, “It’s really difficult to enjoy in this town”. The second American replies, “I can enjoy in any place that has the Flying Saucers!!'” At this the Indian jumps in, “Do you have lots of UFOs in this town??” (Flying Saucers is a well known chain of bars. And this is a true story!!)

- They usually wonder if they smell like Indian food, while going out.

- Almost all of them whine about the cold weather in the United States, although they rarely, if ever, actually step out of their over-heated houses and cars.

- Their idea of a marriage is a week long event (ridiculously long) with mehndi ceremonies, garbas, long marriage ceremonies and fancy receptions where everyone looks like a wannabe actor from Ekta Kapoor’s soap operas!!

- When groups of these DBCAs come together they form a ‘ghetto’, which is a small group of these guys who hang out on a daily or weekly basis. Inside of these ghettos, these guys will engage in harmless activities, such as playing absurd games, gossiping, making ridiculous jokes, and drinking coca cola, which they will pretend is some heavy alcoholic beverage.

- Take undue advantage of the 30 day return policy in most stores, by returning most of the things they bought within the 30 days. (Creative and smart!! But, equally disgusting!! But, I would do it nevertheless!!)

- They hate ABCDs and Americans for no apparent reason whatsoever.

- Always drive Honda or Toyota cars. (An independent study revealed that a Honda car in the garage implies that the home-owner is a DBCA 90% of the times. So, a Honda is good sensitive test for recognizing a DBCA.)

- In spite of all these die-hard attempts to blend into the American society, they are considered weirdoes.

The ABCDs were never a problem. It is the DBCA parents who are unable to clearly communicate their expectations and educate their children in the formative years about religion and traditions because they are not sure what would work best.

Want to know more about a DBCA?? Have a look at Rajesh Kuthrapalli in the TV show ‘The Big Bang Theory’!!

Finally the question arises. Will I become a DBCA if I move to the US? Absolutely not!! Or as Sheldon would say, “Not a snowball's chance in a cat scanner!!”

Why?

Because I already am an IBCD? ‘Indian Born Confused Desi’… Can’t get more confused than this!!

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5 Things I Hate About USA- Part 1. Toilet Paper

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 11:50:00 +0000

Yup. Toilet paper tops the list of all the things that I hate about the United States. How can these self-confessed cleanliness freaks compromise on uhhh… you know what, rear hygiene?

Statistically speaking, Americans use 36.5 billion toilet paper rolls or 5 billion dollars or 20 million trees cut down, just for that not-so-clean backside. That’s just simply ridiculous!!

Some over-smart Indian said to me once, “We don’t use toilet paper because paper for us is a symbol of knowledge or Goddess Saraswati.” Innovative!! Ain’t it. Well, Indians don’t use toilet paper just for the simple reason that water is easy to use and hygienic and, most of all, totally free!!

Here are some American views on the use of water and Indian style toilets…

“You can't crap on it unless you squat down and then shit on it. But make sure you don't crap on the ground! And the worst part is that you have to splash and wash with your own hands.”

“I have neither the balance nor flexibility to squat naked over a hole attempting to ladle a cup of water down my crack.”

So, this is what I am proposing to the Americans. Stop using toilet paper completely and adopt the water based manual or jet systems!! Well, then some of you smart asses might ask what I propose to do with all the remaining toilet paper. I have some solutions for that too…

- Feed it to the cows, since it is rich in cellulose. They would just love the chewy stuff.

- Feed it to the Americans. It’s rich in cellulose (insoluble fiber)!! This would be a perfect solution to the constipation problem!!

- Use it to print the junk postal mail on. Atleast, this mail would be easier to flush down the toilet instead of clogging the garbage bins!!

- Use it to take down notes while on that thinking seat (toilet!!). How many great ideas were born while taking that morning crap!!

And this is what the oh-so-famous people have to say on this oh-not-so-comfortable subject…..

“I eat toilet paper for breakfast”

~ Oscar Wilde on toilet paper

“You eat toilet paper?”

~ Tony Blair on Oscar Wilde's quote

“But to conclude, I say and maintain that there is no arse-wiper like a well-downed goose, if you hold her neck between your legs. You must take my word for it, you really must. You get a miraculous sensation in your arse-hole, both from the softness of the down and from the temperate heat of the goose herself; and this is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the intestines, from which it reaches the heart and the brain.”

~ François Rabelais, 13th Chapter of the First Book on toilet paper

“Well don’t you?”

~ Oscar Wilde on what Blair said

“Duh! I do, but you?”

~ Tony Blair on Oscar Wilde's quote´

“Isn’t made of Adipic Acid?”

~ Lula on toilet paper

“I need TP for my bunghole, heh heh heh!”

~ Beavis on Toilet Paper

“I like my toilet paper raw, as it helps with the abrasive texture associated with grating leftover matter clinging to a body cavitous hole generally found in the anal region.”

~ Smiley Johannsson on haggard, craggy toilet paper

“That's what it's for? I thought it was to write notes in while you're in the bathroom.”

~ George W. Bush on a discussion with his secretary.

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For all those toilet junkies and die-hard toilet paper fans, there is a crazy new product from Taiwan called the ‘Rsstroom Reader’, which prints your RSS feeds directly onto the toilet paper. That’s right, your toilet paper!! So, now you can enjoy Simply Ridiculous directly from your the comfort of your toilet throne. So, go on and subscribe to the Simply Ridiculous RSS feed.

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P.S. The quotes used for this post have been taken from an article on Uncyclopedia.

The Unofficial Chick Code

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 01:30:00 +0000

“A chick is basically a mutation of a man.” – Calvin from ‘Calvin & Hobbes’.

“Chicks consist of atleast 30% spice which makes them hot and have a short temper. The rest is mostly sugar which makes them sweet and fun to eat” – Anonymous.

“Chicks don’t poop. Well, they poop but only flowers come out. They don’t fart either. Well when they fart, they fart perfume.” – Anonymous.

“The latter word contradicts the former word.” – Oscar Wilde on the ‘Perfect Woman’.

According to me, chicks are hard working, strong, mature, don’t bitch about ridiculous things and actually accomplish things…. Wait. What am I saying?? Screw all this. Chicks are just the opposite of all this!!

Well, if you guys believed that only men have a “Bro Code”, then you are living in the dark ages. The chick too have a “Chick Code” of their own. And I have mentioned a few excerpts from the Chick Code below, which in no way is the official version since, bring a Bro, I have no access to a copy of the Chick Code. It’s obvious. Ain’t it….

(If you guys out there are not aware of the Bro Code, then daaa!! You should bury yourself alive! Shame on you guys!! Read this and this and this and this to enlighten yourself about the Bro Code.)

1) A chick shall not sleep with another chick’s ex-boyfriend unless she does.

2) A chick never pays for anything. Ever!!

3) A chick shall never support another chick, whatever the reason maybe!!

4) If a chick asks another chick to keep a secret, then… Are you kidding!! In the entire history of humankind, chicks have never been able to keep a secret!! Ever!!

5) The favorite color of all chicks shall always be pink. And none other than pink.

6) If two chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other rather than simply stripping down and wrestling it out.

7) If a chick hears a chick empowerment song like “I will survive”, she shall stop whatever she is doing, grab another chick’s hand and shriek the lyrics at the top of her lungs.

8) If the TV is showing the movie “My Best Friend’s Wedding” or “DDLJ”, the chick has to leave whatever she is doing and watch the movie till the very end. No matter how many times she has seen it. Corollary: A chick will quickly find some work in the kitchen or somewhere else if her boyfriend is watching the movie “Die Hard” or “300”.

9) A chick may get a dog as a pet but only if it fits in her mailbox.

10) If two chicks are wearing a same outfit, each retains the right to accidently spill a drink on the other.

11) A chick shall not operate a motor vehicle in a safe manner. Corollary: If a chick does operate a motor vehicle, she will atleast hit someone.

12) A chick shall never use the side mirror for applying lipstick while driving the car. It is extremely dangerous since it messes up the hair!!

13) A chick has a free pass to slut it up on Halloween.

14) A chick shall always say “Oww.. Sooo cute!!” at the sight of a baby or a kitten or a puppy or a man with a cute baby or a man with a cute puppy.

15) A chick shall never leave the house without putting on make-up first, even if the house is on fire. Corollary: A chick shall never go to sleep without putting on make-up first. Corollary: If a chick is on a date, she shall find some excuse to use the restroom atleast three times in order to check the make-up.

16) A chick shall always demonstrate an absolute lack of commonsense. Especially, if she is really hot!!

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P.S. I have noticed that you smart asses don’t check out my awesome, dashing blog too often. Well, you can always get the updates in your email by the using the Email Subscription box on the top right. Don’t worry. It’s a totally safe service from Google and they won’t spam you. You can always subscribe to the RSS feeds. And if you are not aware of RSS, then God have mercy on you!! Come on, guys. Keep yourself up-to-date with the technology. Learn about RSS here. Use the Google Reader to subscribe to the RSS feeds. Believe me. RSS rocks!!

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“I Can’t Think Of Anything To Write” Syndrome

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 23:44:00 +0000

It’s been just a month since I started this blog out of sheer boredom. And I sort of believed that I could think of enough stupid topics to write on almost everyday. It is day 38 and I have run out of fresh ideas to blog about. And I am trying so hard that I look somewhat like this…

Actually, I did have a really good idea for an article, but now I can't remember it. It was such an idea that people would look at the title of the article, and be like, "Man, that's an awesome article!". Now if only I could remember what the fuck it was… This is terrible. Come on my overrated grey matter, think! You have to recall what it was.

Well, to be honest, no one ever reads my blog. There have been just 900 visitors to my blog, most of them being me trying to find out how many visitors I have had. But if I came up with something really stupid and hilarious, they would be all like, "Hey we were wrong about you! You are hilarious! Your blog rocks!” And I would be all like, "That’s just me being simply ridiculous! Thank God, I finally recalled that idea!”

That is if I do figure out what the idea was. Perhaps I have to electrically stimulate my hippocampus, like Dr. House did to remember who was with him on the bus.

Finally, I have to accept that I have the “I Can’t Think Of Anything To Write” syndrome or the Writer’s Block.

Nope, this block is not some sort of a constipation that a writer gets. Nor is it a Bloc of all the angry writers trying to take over the world.

It sure ain’t the Bloc of writers going on a strike, due to lack of original ideas. (But this did happen with the Writer’s Guild last year.)

It ain’t even a block in the city where all the writers live.

It’s not even the Sun Block that the writers use.

It’s not even a block on the USMLE exam. (This one is totally dumb!)

Then, what the hell is writer’s block?

It is actually something that stupid guys like myself invented, so that we could pretend to be writers and use it as an excuse when we could not think of anything to write about.

Yup, I have this block. And it’s pissing me off so badly that I am actually trying to write about it on this blog and trying to give it my own stupid name. Which moron other than me would have thought about the name “I Can’t Think Of Anything To Write” syndrome. That’s just simply ridiculous. I am also inserting stupid cartoons from the web so that I don’t have to write much and yet it looks like a long post. I am surely hitting rock bottom.

Interview With A Behaviorist

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:33:00 +0000

You never know what you come across in interviews. I have gone to programs where the guys just don’t seem to have any idea on how to interview candidates. Then, there have been places where they try to buy you the moon to make you feel comfortable.

The weather in Orlando was a pleasant reprise from the horrible Chicago. I was just glad to be able to walk around without being suffocated by those heavy coats. But, it was something else that really made this interview a memorable one. I was interviewed by a behaviorist, something of a first for me in all the interviews I have attended so far.

The initial part of the interview was just routine, with questions about my background and my qualifications. Then just when it seemed to be over, came the question “How did you travel from the airport to the hotel?”

I innocently replied “I took the Link 11 bus to the central station and then transferred to the Link 102 to get to the hotel.”

She was totally surprised at this, as if I had said something totally alien, and said that, in all these years she had stayed in Orlando, she had never been able to figure out how to use the public transport system. Even all the other applicants who came for the interview always hired a cab.

She then said something I will never forget “You really impress me. You have the qualities of adaptability and flexibility.” Then, she went on to declare this to the residency coordinator, the other interviewers and all the applicants, all of whom were pleasantly surprised.

Well, honestly, I had taken the bus ride since I couldn’t afford the 100 dollar cab ride. I had never known that this simple act of using a perfectly convenient public transportation system would reveal qualities I never knew I had!! So, the interview in Orlando turned out to be an interesting journey in self discovery for me, where I discovered that I had the virtues of adaptability and flexibility!! And I thank Lynx for that. And, ofcourse, I thank God that the behaviorist didn't dig deep enough to reveal my eccentric nature!!

Finally Some Appreciation !!

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 01:38:00 +0000

After years of having my ass kicked red and blue and having improved lives without even a word of thanks, finally I get some sort of appreciation for something I didn’t even know I had, good writing skills!! Well, maybe no one has heard about the “Brilliante Weblog Premio Awards 2008”. But what the hell!! I will accept any sort of appreciation with open arms. After all, “Oh, wow. This is the best drink of water after the longest drought of my life." The award itself looks something like this….

Well, I would really like to thank Nimisha Agrawal, of the ‘It’s All Relative’ fame, for nominating me for this award and using these kind words for me “Simply ridiculous. It really is. How he so effortlessly not only prescribes but also doles out generous amounts of Nitrous oxide. For your health and mine. :)” And, of course, I would like to thank my mom for all her support; to the Gujarat Education Board for giving me good grades so that I could be a doctor and get butt kicked my entire life; to my room-mate who hardly ever showered; to my surgery attending who humiliated me on asking for a casual leave; to BudLight and Fosters for making such great beer; and, of course, to USMLE, ECFMG, NBME and NRMP who gave me so much free time that I had to finally find something to pass time, so I started writing this blog!!

As part of the rules for this award, I have to nominate 7 blogs that I like. So here they are…

1) Psychotic Musings: Haven’t seen anything new from him since aeons. But this was the first blog that I started following, maybe because he is from the same med school as I am.

2) Doctor Anonymous: Ok, he has zillions of awards like this. So what? I like whatever he writes and so I nominate him.

3) Fat Doctor: I just love reading the self confessed Fat Doctor. I am also traversing rapidly on the weight gain highway. So much so, that I might someday have to name my blog “Simply Faticulous”.

4) The Junior Doctor:Another blogger I follow for his not-so-silly alternative opinions and speculations.

5) Vitum Medicinus: Good blog on the funny encounters with patients, all the while respecting the HIPAA laws!!

6) Musings Of A Life Less Thought About: She says “I do not blog anything about Medicine knowingly, but what the hell it looks good!!!” . Yes ma’am. It does look excellent!!

7) Aggravated Doc Surg: Again a doc presenting his views on anything and everything that ‘tickles his fantasy’.

My list might seem peculiar because it includes only blogs by men and women of medicine. But, according to me, the best humor comes from those perennially over-worked and perennially under-appreciated doctors who face not-so-humorous situations in daily life. And ofcourse, because they get their ass kicked everyday and still find a way to humor about it!! Maybe, facing death and disease makes us appreciate the lighter side life.

P.S. Sorry if I might not have put forth strong words of appreciation for my favorite blogs. I am just unable to write pleasing words for anyone. I can only write something ‘Simply Ridiculous’!!

Saturday Unit Syndrome

Jigar.PatelB@gmail.com (Dr. Jigar Patel) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 05:38:00 +0000

I had mentioned about the Saturday Unit Syndrome in my previous post “36 Things To Expect From Internship”. I thought that I should write more about the syndrome, lest someone else goes on to claim the syndrome and give it their own name. Let me tell you that this is in no way a fictional syndrome since I have seen it first hand.

The Saturday Unit Syndrome (SUS) affects interns who are posted in Medicine and Surgery units which have emergency duties on Saturday. Since there is not separate Emergency Medicine or Trauma residency in India, all the medicine and surgery units are allotted a particular day of the week on which they handle the emergency and trauma departments respectively. Normally the interns get a day off after working 24 hours on the trot in the emergency and trauma centers. But the intern in the Saturday unit gets only a Sunday off!! All in all, these interns do not get an extra day off and usually spend their Sundays sleeping, and at times handling the post emergency work, if there has been a particularly heavy patient load. So these interns usually suffer from the Saturday Unit Syndrome.

Jigar’s criteria for SUS: 2 major symptoms or 1 major and 4 minor symptoms are diagnostic.

MAJOR:

1) Depression.

2) Anxiety of lagging behind in the studies. (Interns are expected to study for the entrance exams too.)

3) Unexpected behavior at the mention of an Extra-Emergency. (Every once a month or two, each department gets to handle the emergency duty on Sunday. So, these saturday units have to work for 48 hours on the trot on such occasions.)

MINOR:

1) Total lack of interest in hanging around with friends.

2) Shabby clothing with bits of bandage still sticking to their pants.

3) Personality changes, which may range from subtle to catastrophic.

4) Increased irritability.

5) Loss of sense of humor. (Try telling a joke to these blokes.)

5) Loss of appetite and constipation. (due to the total unavailability of time for the input and output functions!!)

6) Increased use of offensive words while speaking. (This is the most common manifestation and the most common residual symptom too. But, since it may occur even in the absence of the syndrome, I have included it in the minor criteria)

These criteria are 98% sensitive and 80% specific in diagnosing Saturday Unit Syndrome. Ofcourse, this syndrome has a male preponderance, since girls are not expected to work after 5 PM and they always have Sundays off. There is no specific treatment for this. However, it is usually self remitting, with the intern improving slowly over the period of 2 months after the end of that rotation. Frequently, the syndrome leaves some residual symptoms like subtle personality changes and the use of offensive language. Helpful and co-operative residents may play a role as a prophylactic for this syndrome (but, alas, such residents only exist in fairy tales).

P.S. Let this syndrome be named Jigar’s syndrome or atleast the criteria be named after me. After all, I discovered it. Ain’t it?