single/certain

and i'm back again!

2009-01-07T23:00:00.002-05:00

so for the two of you who still check in every so often, sorry. not only did i quit my job, as i mentioned earlier, but i also moved. i couldn't find a roommate to move in with me in my apartment, so instead i moved in with a friend who has a fantastic house about ten minutes away from where i was living.

so yeah. i made a few changes! so far, so good. i have my first class on saturday morning. and i've been away from work for almost a month! can i just tell you how awesome that is? if you work in the business world, and you've never just taken two weeks off, you seriously should. if it were up to me, there'd be a mandatory shut down at christmas time. and another in the summer, too. it's just so nice to have time to do whatever. of course, i've been moving, which takes tons of time, and there were all kinds of random holiday-related things, and let's-get-ready-for-school things, and etc, etc.

so, a new year, and new thoughts. many of those thoughts stem from my new place in life, and the decisions that i made to get here. i'll try to be more timely about those thoughts now that i'm a little more settled in :)

i'm baaaaaack...

2008-11-15T11:02:00.004-05:00

hey all! sorry for the silence; i've been thinking about a LOT of things the last few months, and most of them i didn't feel comfortable writing about yet for a few reasons. the biggest reason is that i'm quitting my job. i've known that for a while (since mid september), but didn't want to tell too many people because i didn't think that'd be a good idea. most of the things i've wanted to write about have been related in some way to the gigantic life change i'm making. so i just haven't written anything. kinda lame, i know. :) but no worries; now is the time for all to be revealed.

so.... why am i quitting my job? well, there are TONS of reasons. i've known since the day i started as an associate designer at a interactive marketing agency (translation; doing web & graphic design at an ad agency that mostly does web stuff) that i didn't want to do it forever. but i could never figure out exactly what it was i'd rather be doing. so i stayed and made the most of it, which wasn't too difficult for a while.

now, five years later, after ups and downs and happy times and sad/angry/frustrating times, i've figured it out. or rather, i calmed down and listened to god and he showed me. starting in january, i'll be a full-time graduate student, pursuing a teaching license and masters degree so i can be an art teacher.

i'm so excited. scared, too, but the excitement beats the scared. i know, without a doubt, that this is the path i'm supposed to go down right now. and that is awesome, for so many reasons. i'll be sharing those reaons, too. i'm certain that this career change will affect so many areas of my life and my relationship with god, my friends, and my family.

a boyfriend i didn't know i had!

2008-08-26T13:30:00.004-04:00

so apparently vball dude and i are dating, and i had no idea! will wonders never cease!?

saturday night i got a call from an old friend. i let it go to voicemail, as it was late, i had just gotten back from a pool party, and i was ready for bed. but then my friend, trevor, texted me. call me! it's urgent-ish!!! urgent-ish? umm, ok.... i let out a nice sigh and went out on the deck to call him back so i wouldn't wake my roommate.

the first words out of his mouth when he answered the phone were so i hear you have a hot boyfriend!!! umm... i do? i replied. yeah! some guy from the trip! trevor tossed out a couple of names that were close to vball dude's. uh, do you mean vball dude? yeah! he shouted. vball dude! i hear you guys got together on that trip you took!

at this point i just started laughing. i told him that no, we weren't dating, at least not to my knowledge. aww, bummer he said. no biggy i said. but where did you hear this!? you weren't on the trip, and you don't even go to our church! turns out his coworker was on the trip, and she heard the rumor from another girl who'd also been on the trip.

the whole thing made me laugh. i've never had rumors spread about me! i have to admit, i kind of like it :) of course, i probably like it because vball dude is tall, good-looking, a solid leader, and oh yeah i kind of have an on again, off again crush on him. but seriously... where on earth did this come from!? it wasn't like we spent tons of time together on the trip. he talked to and spent time with a lot of girls while we were down there. (that's another topic for another time...) i really can't think of anything that happened that would have made anyone think we were dating.

oh well. like i said, i like it. i feel popular... like people think i'm dating a celebrity or something! vball dude is prett well known, especially now that he's been interviewed onstage about the trip. (i know, i know... kind of lame. hey, i'll take what i can get, ok?!)

a completely shallow and gratuitous post

2008-08-20T20:55:00.005-04:00

even though i've been busy recently, i found some time to catch a little of the olympics. and even if i hadn't seen anything, it's hard to escape the media frenzy around michael phelps. he's everywhere!

and that's my excuse... he's everywhere! that's why i can't stop looking. yup, that's my excuse. i stare cause he's all over the place, not because i have never. seen. such. an. amazing. body. in. my. entire. life. he's long and lean and sinewy and WOW. and those shoulders!

i know the common opinion is that he's not all that good-looking, but i actually think he's pretty cute. he's no male model, but he's cute. and the rest of him is so hot... that more than makes up for any perceived lack of hotness in his face.

ok. shallow SC is signing off now. i'm sure i've offended or grossed out more than a few of you. sorry! normal SC will return next post. for all you other phelps-lovers out there:

for whom the bell tolls

2008-08-15T21:23:00.000-04:00

the wedding bell, that is. so my dad told me yesterday that he asked his girlfriend to marry him. i'm so happy for him; the woman he's been dating for a while now is really nice, has a wonderful family, and so far seems to think the world of him. she also seems to be a strong catholic, which is nice, as my dad is too.

it wasn't until several hours after i got off the phone with my dad that some sadness started to kick in. it's all totally irrational, and i'm fine today, but... i was a little teary for a while. my dad's girlfriend will probably move in with him in the house i grew up in once they're married. i started to wonder... will my room still be my room? can i still go home whenever i want? can i still show up for dinner whenever i want? i'm sure things will be fine, but this has been a lot to think about.

my brother is married. many of my close friends are married. (some even have a kid or two). and now my dad will be, too. it makes me feel even less anchored... like so many people around me are anchored in some way, and i'm not. still living in my apartment, still single, and as of lately, thinking a lot about a career change.

but, i'm cool... i'm ok. i know what god has in store for me, sooner or later. and i have him. it's hard, and a little lonely, but exciting too. it's exciting to know that god's working in me right now, and that so many awesome things are still ahead of me.

self control, staring, and vball dude.

2008-08-10T17:39:00.007-04:00

i just got back from an amazing week spent building houses with my 300 people from my church and staff from habitat for humanity. it was an awesome trip, and i'm home now with a lot to think and pray about, and a pretty big thing to put in motion. god really showed up for me down in new orleans, and i am so thankful. there might be more on that in the future.

i also came home with a reminder that giving god control of my dating/relating life is still a daily struggle. and i still want someone to want me. even though i'm not really sure i want this particular guy.

vball dude (about him) (some follow up here and here) was on the trip. he was also on my bus. and on my work site. and basically just around me almost all the time. and i spent a good chunk of mental and spiritual energy wondering if i like him, and whether or not that matters, because he's not chasing. such a waste on my part.

i'm not going to get into all of it, but i'll share a thing or two. guys, if you're not into a girl, and you have no intention of pursuing her, don't stare at her. a couple times through the trip i thought i felt vball dude's eyes on me. i thought i was being dumb, so i put it out of my head, but one of my guy friends, evan, brought it up one night when we were all out dancing and having a good time. what's up with you and vballl dude? he asked. you guys were talking a lot tonight, and he's been staring at you a lot. ok, good, so i'm not crazy, i replied. i thought i caught him staring a few times. but, for as much as he stares, he's still not biting. at that point, it was toward the end of the trip, and without chasing him, i'd done what i could to just kind of communicate openness. attempts at conversation, a compliment here and there, a smile, whatever. but nothing in return. no questions, no real back and forth developing.

as much as i struggled through the trip, i'm proud of myself. there were a lot of times i wanted to initiate more conversation, get closer to him, etc. but i didn't. i held off. i told myself, i will not chase. i will not manipulate. i will be pursued. if not by him, then i will wait for someone else.

it can be frustrating, though, to feel that inconsistency coming from someone you think is kinda cool. my friend andy watched vball dude a little through the trip, and what he said made me feel better. he's definitely not engaging, he said one night. he's definitely holding himself back, as if he's been hurt or is taking a break or something. that actually made me feel good; maybe he's really solid, and he's interested, but can't pursue right now, for whatever reason. i can't say i saw him chase anyone else; he was just his usual friendly, slightly flirty self.

the funny thing, too, is that i'm still not even sure i like him. i've observed some things i don't like. and he's not giving me any solid signs he's interested. just the staring a few other random things. i also know i tend to over-analyze. he hasn't been a christian too terribly long; maybe the staring is just him staring at an attractive girl. maybe i'm reading too much into that and every other behaviour. i'm willing to admit i do that sometimes.

the good thing is the trip is over, and i don't have to see much more of him. maybe a trip post-mortem with the leadership team, and then the trip celebration in september, and that should be it. that makes it easier; if he's not around, i'll stop wondering and move on. which is what i should have done from the get-go.

too much to think tonight

2008-07-24T09:58:00.002-04:00

You will never find anyone
To come along and take you by surprise
Because you’ve had too much to think tonight.

The Futureheads, Think Tonight

some sage advice from a silly song. i love it. of course, i also love the driving beat and punkish guitar, not to mention the hig-pitched 'ha ha ha ha's.'

i want to be taken by surprise! i want some great dude to show up when i least expect it. so obviously, i have to stop expecting it. i have to turn off the over-analyzing and the what-if fantasies that often play in my head before i go somewhere. it's hard when my head (and heart) have been over-analyzing for like 15 years. ridiculous, i know.

die another day

2008-07-23T12:40:00.000-04:00

so dying to things i love is hard. the good kind of hard, yeah, but hard.

there are a couple of guys part of me really wants to pursue. it's little stupid stuff, but as soon as i do it, i feel a little kick of remorse. oops, i shouldn't have done that, i think. i texted vball dude the other day. it's not a huge deal, because at this point we're kind of friends, but still... i feel some weirdness there, maybe because i'm not sure how i feel about him. i don't think i like him, but is it because i'm pretty sure he doesn't like me, or is it because i don't really like him, i just want him to like me? or is it because i might like him, but i don't want to get any closer because i'm not getting a return vibe and i don't want to deal with rejection?

who knows. but honestly, it doesn't matter! i gave up manipulating, plotting, freaking out, over-analyzing; basically trying to get myself a date. and so again, i tell myself and i tell god, not my job. i told god he could have all of this, and i meant it.

so i continue to go to him in prayer over these things. i confess when i feel like i'm starting to take the reins again, and i lay control issues back down in front of him, and it's good.

to keep with the theme...

2008-07-19T20:30:00.001-04:00

you can always die a little more, right?

so i put dating in the coffin awhile back and died to it. but as most of you know, dying to yourself and your desires isn’t a one-time thing, it’s a process. a continual process (that’s probably redundant, i know). i am obviously very much still in process.

the latest step of the process has been me giving over another dating-related area of my life/heart to god. for lack of a better word, we’ll call it timing.

i love and trust god. i know his ways and plans and rules are best, for him, for me, and for everyone else. giving over dating gave me a wonderful feeling of peace that transcends worry or any temporary fix i might have come up with myself (funny how the peace of god can do that, huh?)

but until this past weekend, i hadn’t really believed with all my heart and mind and soul that god’s timing for me and marriage was really perfect. i was still holding onto feelings of hurt and bitterness and anger and frustration. i still felt like my singleness was for no good reason. almost like i was serving some singleness sentence, and i didn’t know why.

but god used several events to set me straight. and he did it in such a wonderful way. a very old and very dear friend spoke some encouraging and truthful words to me that got me thinking. we were talking, and i was kind of complaining and hinting at the fact that i felt so far behind all of our friends, life-wise. no marriage, no kids, not even a steady boyfriend. after listening to me for a while, she said, you know, sc, you’ve grown so much in the last four or five years, and so much of that has even been in the last year. the man you might have chosen to be your husband a year or two or three ago would have been very different than the man you would choose now. and that is so awesome! and remember; you still have so many good things to look forward to! i’ve already met the guy, gotten engaged, gotten married, and had my first kid. and it was all wonderful. and you still have all of that to look forward to!

with those words, i started to see my situation in a new light. the next morning, the sermon at church picked up where my friend’s words left off. the pastor was talking about pride and how worry and anxiety can create it. he read from 1 peter 5, and talked about how we’re supposed to give our anxiety and worry to god and replace them in our minds/hearts with god himself. and honestly i’m pretty sure i’ve heard that before, but this time it clicked. put the first things first. put god first and he’ll take care of everything else. trust him with the things you’re most afraid to give up or most worried about, focus on being close to him, and rejoice in the transcending peace he gives. yes, virginia, it is that easy. at least in theory...

after the sermon the pastor initiated some guided prayer. usually these things don’t work so well for me; i can't concentrate or focus with all the people around. but as soon as i bowed my head, i knew what i needed to pray about and give over to god; timing. i gave god all of my anger and hurt and bitterness. i asked for his forgiveness for me holding onto that for so long, and for me believing deep down that i somehow have been getting the short end of the stick, that somehow i know better and think i should have been married by now. i get it god, i told him. you’ve been working in me, even when it didn’t feel like it. i am different now, and i am glad to be different. i trust you; i trust that you have a plan. i believe that all things work for your good in this area of my life.

and then it gets a little weird. i’m not sure about this next part, but i’m going to write about it anyway. my friend’s words from the night before came into my head. you still have all those wonderful things ahead of you: meeting the guy, getting engaged, getting married, having kids… and felt like god was telling me to just relax. i felt him say, you’ll have those things. i want to give them to you. you’ll have a boyfriend, a marriage, a family. i want to give you those things; they are good things, and you want them, and i want you to have them. so just relax and trust me!

it's such a rare thing for me to hear god promise me specific things. but once i started to really give him control of this area of my life, he met me. i took some steps, and he met me. it's given me such peace. whether i get married a year from now or 10 years from now, i know it will happen, and i know that the time until it happens won't be a waste.

inspiration

2008-07-10T22:12:00.002-04:00

i hope that some day i can love this well.
"How can I stay in love with a man who hasn't spoken to me in a year and a half? A man who can't plan a special date for us, can't tell me anything without me asking first, can't challenge me, earn money for us, lead us in devotions or call me at work to see how my day is going. I dont' know how. I also don't know how God still loves me, someone who has nothing to offer Him. But both have happened and have made my life infinitely better."

from prayforian.com

what's your dream?

2008-06-26T21:42:00.000-04:00

so our company had an offsite recently. that's where all 200 of us go somewhere cool, play bonding games, and brainstorm ideas to make our company better. it sounds cheesy, but it's actually pretty cool. they're usually fun and light-hearted, and they always end with an open bar (take from that what you will. for the record, i had one drink and then left).

during one session, we took turns sharing a couple of random things about ourselves with each other in groups of 6 or 8. one of the questions we took turns answering was 'name a dream you have.' as people went around the table sharing various things, i sat there trying to think of something appropriate to say.

i work in advertising. i'm surrounded by intense, driven professionals who dream of traveling the world, opening their own small businesses, landing big-name accounts, and changing the world. people shared some typical things, and a few non-typical things. when my turn came, i made up some lame answer about traveling the world doing humanitarian type work. um.... right. i mean, yeah, it would be cool to do that, but, i have to say it's not exactly something i lay awake at night thinking about.

but i couldn't bring myself to say what i really wanted to say. i really wanted to say that my dream is to be married. to be a wife. kids, yeah, sure. but first, marriage. but i didn't say that. i thought it would sound cheesey and get me a lot of strange looks. and i didn't think anyone else would say anything even close. imagine my surprise when a guy in my group, an account executive, says, my dream is to have a family. i want to get married and have a couple of kids. i love kids, and i really want some of my own some day.

i was shocked. in a good way, of course. and disappointed with myself. why couldn't i share with my coworkers my dream of being married? i mean, if this guy could do it, why coudn't i?

i've never been a person to care too much about what people think of my hopes and dreams. but i guess the fact that i couldn't own up to my real dream of being married clues me in that i'm not as real and transparent as i maybe like to think i am. i'll have to think about that some.

since i died to dating...

2008-06-19T12:35:00.002-04:00

so what's been different?

outwardly, not much. at least i don't think so. but inwardly, things are starting to change. it's weird; i don't know that i would call dating or my desire for marriage an idol, per se. i mean, maybe i should, but it doesn't seem to really fit that category.

basically, i stopped trying. i know that sounds bad, but it feels good; as if that's what god has wanted me to do for a while; give control to him. especially mental control. and i have to admit, it's been really freeing.

i feel like this sounds weird, so here's an example. a week or so after i decided to let go of this stuff, i was doing some planning and thinking about my upcoming church/humanitarian trip to new orleans. randomly, i thought, hmm... i should talk to my coworker dan and find out if his good-looking single friend christopher is thinking about going on the trip. i should try and encourage him to go. but as soon as that thought entered my head, i was like, wait, what? NO! not my job! not what i need to be worrying about. and it felt really good to recognize that, and tell that thought to take off! (eh!)

that seems to be the root of it. turning off my radar, turning off the voice that tells me to always be on the lookout and always try to make the most of any/every interaction. i don't want to be 'on' all the time. i just want to be myself. i want to be more worried about other things; helping people, serving, loving. not when and where and how i'll meet some great guy. it'll happen. i am friendly and outgoing and confident and attractive.

and i think good things are coming out of this. like my pastor said; dying to the things we want enables us to love better. that's ultimately what i want; to love better. to love anyone and everyone better. more. with the love of christ; the self-sacrificing, self-denying love of christ.

the other reason i haven't had much to say

2008-06-17T22:15:00.003-04:00

back in april, there was a sermon at church that basically was about dying to self. our pastor, brian, started out by lugging a big treasure chest up on stage and talking about how we all have treasure we lug around with us, and how our treasure keeps us from loving others.

he pulled various items out of the treasure chest and described how they were things that he had had to die to. for example, one thing was a log cabin. he said he'd always wanted a little cabin off in the woods somewhere, to go do 'man things in the woods.' (ha.) but, instead of saving money for a down payment and a mortgage on a cabin for him, he and his family were putting their money toward other things, like charitable giving and supporting people and organizations doing kingdom work. he still wanted the cabin, but had died to it in order to do other things. in order to love other people.

he went through a bunch of things, and at the end of each description, he'd toss each thing (toy log cabin, for example) into a big pine coffin on the stage. of course at the end of the service, there was time to pray and ask god what it was that we needed to put in the coffin.

it wasn't a big voice, or an intense feeling, or anything like that. but i knew. i knew i had to put my desire for a husband into the coffin. i knew i had to give up complete control and put it in there and die to it and close the lid and not look back. and so i did.

i died to my intense longing to find a husband. i put it in a coffin and told god he could have all of it. and i walked out of church feeling pretty good. it wasn't any kind of big deal; no tears or intensity or anything, like i said.... it was just this feeling like, yup, ok. i'm tired of this, you can have it.

so what's different about me now? and why'd i have to put a perfectly normal and healthy desire to death? sit tight. i'll get to that. just not right now.

where have i been? nowhere, really.

2008-06-10T21:54:00.004-04:00

so it's been like 3 months since i last posted. um, yeah. so i just felt like i had nothing to say for a while there. i kind of wanted to take a break from all of this singleness talk for a while. i've kept up with other people's blogs, and have been reading the boundless line and commenting there. i just didn't have anything to say that i really thought was meaningful.

so what's happened in my life? not much. i mean, i didn't stop posting because i started dating some guy or anything else cool or dramatic like that. here are some of the more (or less, depending on who you are, i guess) interesting updates:
• still haven't seen or heard anything from seth. don't think i will. it's sad, and i miss him sometimes, but i know it's all good, and it's probably better that we don't run into each other. or maybe it's just easier.
• remember vball dude? and that trip i'm helping plan? the planning committee for the trip meets like every other week. i see him about that often, and am in email contact with him pretty regularly. and i have to say i've pretty much lost all interest in him. more on that later
• my roommate is going to switzerland for two months this summer. she leaves in 2 weeks. that'll be interesting
• my ex-boyfriend got married a month or two ago. (hi ex-boyfriend, if you're reading, and new wife of ex-boyfriend; congratulations! ) i'm not weirded out or pining away or anything... it was just a little odd. i think i always thought i'd get married before him. i don't know why i thought that, but i did. pride, maybe. perhaps more on that later, too.

that's all i can think of right now. hopefully i'll get back into the swing of writing things. i feel like i've learned a lot and grown a lot in the last few months. ps thanks to all those (single xtian man et. al) who noticed me not writing and encouraged me to come back or asked what was up. :)

not related to anything!

2008-03-27T23:19:00.005-04:00

this song is amazing. the joy it puts inside me is indescribable.
go to 7 digital and by it and all the remixes of it, especially the bimbo jones remix. the only way i can tie this to relationships or anything like that is that i would play this song at my wedding reception when my wedding party and me and my husband enter the reception hall.

but what i really really want is...

2008-03-24T22:19:00.002-04:00

all the 'good' stuff i've been doing has been overwhelming me lately. don't get me wrong; i'm involved in awesome stuff. but when the awesome stuff is piling up higher than i can see, it doesn't feel so awesome any more. it feels like chains stretching and pulling me in every direction.

so i've been feeling stressed out, over-committed and lonely lately. i feel like i've been giving so much of myself away and yet not feeling any better about anything. luckily i've been steeped in truth enough to know that you can't keep pouring water out of a can with out filling it up. i need a fill up. i'm just not sure where to get it. but that's another post for maybe another time.

in the midst of all the down feelings, i threw myself a little singleness pity party. it left me thinking hard about a kind of dilemma....

the dilemma is as follows; i can't think of anything i want more than to be married. i can't think of any job i want or any place i want to go or any thing i'd like to have instead of marriage. ok, fine. right now, getting to marriage seems to be completely out of my control. i also have what i'll call a feeling, or maybe an impression, that i'm not supposed to be chasing marriage right now. i'm not supposed to be biding my time putting my profile on singles sites and combing the lists of eligible bachelors. i'm supposed to be living my life and loving god and others. (just go with me on that last one for a minute.)

so the big problem is that everything else i do feels like something to pass the time; every volunteer project i take on, every dream i have about buying that building down the street or buying a house or just spending another year in my large dirt cheap apartment. it all just feels like second place. like, ok, since i can't have what i really want, what else can i do that will make me kind of happy for a while and keep me from focusing too much on being single?

the only solution i can come up with is that i need to pray to ask god to make me want him and want what he has for me more than what i want right now (marriage). can i just tell you how much i really don't like that? i want what i want, god! give it to me!!!!

it's kind of overwhelming. the whole 'what do i do with my life' question. i mean, yea, sure, i'm doing the little small things.... being more generous with my time and money, etc, etc. but i need a vision. i need to be moving toward something. i need to feel like i have a tangible end goal.

ok. i'm rambling. and whining.

i admit it...

2008-03-19T22:16:00.003-04:00

i descended into the madness of the marriage mandate debate. i feel kind of bad about it, but what's done is done.

what did i do? i attempted to put the verbal smackdown on debbie maken. i admit it. my motives were not pure or wholesome. i was shocked and angry, and i reacted with sarcasm. this woman is a somewhat well-known christian writer, and yet in many places around the internet you can find her making callous and downright meant comments. below are some of my favorites, so you can see what i mean. i'm sure amir can dig up more :-)

from comments on a boundless article:
"I have nothing to clarify or add about page 185 of the book. You got a 45 year old bachelor, go figure. Either a late bloomer, either was too picky, either consistently choosing poor quality women to date, either no effort, . . . at some point people need to take responsibility for where they are due to decisions/inactions they have made all along the way. The presumption of innocence that Anna did not indulge the 45 year old Christian male in is understandable, as well as her refusal to reward."

from comments on her own blog:
"So, farmer Tom, spare me the condescension of most women being feminist, men-disrespecting, corporate ladder climbing, career lovers, somehow leaving hapless, well-intentioned men in a dusty haze of confusion. Get off your bottom, be a "man," so that a woman will actually be attracted to you, and quit making excuses."

(note: farmer tom is married with kids)

maken has some good points in her book. but as several people have noted previously, they've all been eclipsed by her judgmental and often downright mean attitude.

i'm going to leave off the debate on this now and return to simply living my life and sharing my struggles and triumphs as a single woman. things should hopefully be quieting down in my life over the next few weeks, so hopefully i'll have more time to post again.

the balancing act

2008-03-14T17:22:00.003-04:00

like i said in my previous post, i've been really busy lately. for the most part, it's a good busy. i'm doing a lot more service-type stuff. i'm serving with creative team, a group at my church that meets weekly to build and paint stuff for the kids' programs. i'm also helping out with a one-day city-wide service project and of course, the new orleans trip.

and it's good. it's really good; i feel like i'm growing and stretching into a kinder, more selfless person. i feel like i'm even trying to love and serve my friends more.

but.... (and you knew there'd be a but!) none of this great awesome stuff completely replaces that hope that someday soon i'll meet someone worth going on at least a few dates with. i'd be lying to you (and you probably wouldn't believe me anyway) if i told you otherwise.

i'm having a lot of fun. and i feel good about growing and maturing, and most importantly, connecting with god more. but of course, it's still there. you know what i'm talking about. the desire. the looking. the wondering. the scanning the crowd at church. i know it's both impossible and wrong to turn it off all the way, and i'm glad that it seems to have quieted down a little. i seem to be more able to focus on god and his work than i have been in a long time.

but..... all that being said, personal growth and marriage are not mutually exclusive things. discovering how to draw nearer to god doesn't have to happen in a state of singleness. it's just that way with me, i guess.

ok. focusing on the awesomeness, not the absence. i know you love me and have a plan, god.

hey

2008-03-12T22:27:00.003-04:00

so i've been wanting to post. i swear. i've been wanting to share about the singleness-related things that have been happening, or write about serving on this planning committee with vball dude. but, well, i just don't have much to say. plus i haven't the time to write about anything.

my life is full of stuff right now. good stuff! stuff that keeps me too busy to think much about being single or the marriage mandate vs. the gift of singleness. instead i am thinking about other things. sometimes it's small practical things like t-shirt price quotes for the shirts we'll need for the trip to new orleans. other times it's bigger things, but it's bigger things that i don't have my head wrapped around enough to write about.

no matter what i'm thinking about, though, i'm pretty happy right now. has my desire for a husband (or at least a boyfriend first) gone away? nope. but it isn't so big right now. i have other things to think about. things i can be a part of right now. change in people's lives, all over the world. my friends, people in my city, people in new orleans, and people in places like india and south africa, where my church has partnerships. god is using me and the things he's given me in all of those places.

plus, i have dutch pop! go to itunes and check out Hej Matematik!!! du og jeg is a good song to start with.

random things about me

2008-03-02T21:08:00.004-05:00

ok, so i got tagged by amir over at singlemind.net. even though i try really hard to keep this blog focused on singleness and related triumphs and struggles, i'll digress a little just this once and post ten random facts about myself.

1. i'm ridiculously tall and skinny (at least so far in my life. people keep telling me that will change, but at 28 it hasn't changed much). i'm 6'1"

2. i've had jaw surgery twice and have seven screws in my jaw

3. i love hockey. it's my favorite sport to watch, and i played some in high school.

4. i love god. i love knowing that no matter what the future holds, if i'm seeking him, then i'm constantly being made more like Him. so even though in 10 years i may not have what i want right now, i'll still be more like Him than i am right now.

5. i really enjoy the emerging church movement and how it's stretching my faith.

6. i really enjoy reading, learning and talking about relationships and relational growth. likewise i like listening to and encouraging people in their relational journeys.

7. i love good food and good wine, and i love them even more when good friends and good conversation are thrown in.

8. i lived in rome, italy for a year. i was interning with campus crusade for christ. i loved being in rome. i think i could throw a dart at europe, go where the dart landed, and enjoy myself.

9. music! electronica, 80s, europop, techno, alternative, some rap & hip hop. i love good tunes.

10. last but not least, i once was madly in love with and thought i would marry a guy named zsolt. yeah, really.

gaining knowledge and hope from married people

2008-02-27T10:07:00.004-05:00

a couple of weeks ago i resumed my place on the creative team at my church (i'd stopped going for awhile, due to some scheduling crazyness). we meet once a week, eat together, and do all kinds of cool creative stuff around the building. most of it centers around the kids' area; we build sets that relate to whatever the kids are learning about, paint on the walls, paint the sets, etc. i love it because i'm around all kinds of different people and i get to get my hands dirty with paint and sometimes even a tool or two.

last night i had several conversations with some of my teammates that made me realize how great it is to be around people who are farther down the 'path of life' than i am. one guy on my team, who's a bit older, is getting married in june. or, as he said when i asked him when his wedding is, 'it's 6/7/8, and i can't wait!' (how cute is that!?) i also asked him how he'd met his fiancé, and that was a cute story, too. nothing crazy, just fun to hear.

he talked about the fact that he's kind of shy, and never really talked to women much (which i found a little hard to believe, as he's a cool guy, but i went with it). one night after a church event, he found himself standing next to his future fiancé as he and some friends looked at pictures from a social event on a computer. she said something along the lines of 'that looks like it was fun!' he replied, 'it was! you should've been there!' she said 'how do you know i wasn't?' his response: 'because i would've talked to you if you were there!" and the rest, as people usually say, was history. they talked for an hour after that, and now they're engaged.

i just loved it because it was so simple and cute. and, as he kept telling me, he doesn't usually talk to women. he said he just felt like god totally stepped in and kind of urged him to initiate with this woman. i love hearing stories like that. nothing crazy or weird or über-dramatic, just god bringing two people together.

i also talked a lot with our team leader, an amazing woman who's been with her husband for something like 15 years. they're still very much in love, and it very much shows. even after 4 kids!!! (maybe 5? i can't remember) they both love god so much, and have grown together in a really beautiful way. i'm also so impressed by the way she speaks about him. she never has anything but good things to say about him. how attracted to him she still is, what a good father he is, what a great family he has, etc, etc.

there's something about being around people who have solid marriages... it just gives me so much hope. i walk away thinking, wow, that is soooo cool! that is what i want! i will do the work to get it, god, i promise! and i love hearing stories of how people get together. it's like i'm soaking up the coolness and the hope of the story and filing it away in my brain (and heart!) good stuff.

just an update/smooth sailing...

2008-02-24T22:04:00.003-05:00

so i haven't had much to say lately. the single life has been less of a struggle. now and then i'll come home from a night out with friends and feel some loneliness, or notice a bad behavior pattern creeping up and try to nip it. but no major revelations or drama (can i get some wood to knock on?)

mostly i've been spending a lot of time consoling friends. the end of 2007/the beginning of 2008 has brought a lot of my friends back to being single again. i find myself doing a lot of listening and comforting. maybe this is one of the reasons i'm still single. i'm not bragging, but people seem to think i might know a thing or two. or maybe i'm just a good listener? oh, the irony of the indefinitely single 28 year old being the go-to girl for relationship/breakup advice. ha.

i was supposed to go to a planning meeting last week for the building trip i'm going on to new orleans this summer, but i didn't make it because of crappy weather. i was bummed; vball dude is in charge of the whole thing and i would've gotten to see/interact with him. there'll be more meetings. and the whole trip, of course, in august... plenty of time to get to know him some more.

unfortunately, i've gotten busy with all kinds of random stuff. a weekly volunteering thing at church, an extracurricular work activity, a website design for a friend.... i've let all of that keep me from the whole group prayer thing. lame, i know! but i think it will come back around if it needs to. and in the meantime, i'm praying more, and that's always good.

i think better friendships will equal better marriages

2008-02-18T18:11:00.006-05:00

what if all of us single people just hunkered down and committed to our friends and family and roommates? what if we took the focus off of ourselves and put it on each other? would we still feel as lonely and isolated and unstable as we currently often do? would we rush into bad dating relationships so quickly or stay in them as long as we do? i think probably not.

i brought this up with my friend evan the other day and he was right there with me; he agreed that our selfishness as single people is causing us to miss out on so many good things that god wants for us. basically, we're saying to god, i want the intimacy and connection and partnership that come with a spouse! and in return he's saying, i know that, and i want that for you too, but right now i'm providing with all of these other people for intimacy and connection and partnership, and you're ignoring them!

evan and i talked about what we thought might change if each of us had a significant other. he said he thought he'd feel more satisfied (amongst other things), and i said i envisioned myself feeling more stable and connected and anchored. we talked about achieving those feelings now, and we agreed that there's no good reason (save our own stubbornness) why we can't move that direction in our current single state.

i think that in order to get there, i've got to start putting other people first on a regular basis. for example; if my friends are going to watch movies and hang out friday night, and i really don't want to watch movies, well, maybe i need to suck it up and go watch movies just to spend some time with them. most of the time, i'd go look for something else to do with some other group of friends. and sometimes that's ok. but if i keep choosing the activity over the people, i never really commit to anyone. i never say you're important enough to me that i'll do something that i don't really like all that much just to spend time with you.

maybe the intimacy we all desperately long for is right in front of our faces. we just have to work a little harder to find it. die to ourselves a little. be a little more vulnerable with a few of our friends. really let them in, and really show them that we want to know them.

i think those things (sacrifice, service, vulnerability) are at the heart of a good marriage. why can't we start learning them now? good relationships are good relationships. a healthy community is a healthy community, no matter if it's singles or couples or a mix of both.

every singleton's favorite holiday

2008-02-13T12:13:00.007-05:00

what's a blog about singleness, dating, and relationships without a post about every single person's favorite holiday!? here's mine...

i think i have a unique perspective on this special day. i have been single for every valentines day in my entire life, except one. kinda strange. for the last 3 years, i've done something to mark the day. last year i threw a gigantic singles party at my apartment. i invited every single person i knew and told them to invite their friends. and they did. there were so many people in my apartment, it was ridiculous. i mean we're talking like 100 people. i had meet 'n' greet games, an awesome party soundtrack, champagne punch, and heart shaped name tags. to this day i am still known as 'that girl that threw that giant awesome valentines party.' a few lucky people even got dates (not me; i was too busy playing hostess).

the year before last was the one year of my life i was in a relationship at valentines day. as i recall, i went over to the bf's house and we hung out. he made dinner, i think. i might have helped or something. he wasn't working at the time. it was a nice evening. i think things were still ok in our relationship at that point. the whole thing went downhill not long after that. i'm not bitter, i'm just telling it how it is.

three years ago, my first roommate and i threw a giant 'black hearts' valentines day party. like the singles party i threw last year, this one was huge. people my roommate and i didn't even know showed up. the next day at church, two ridiculously hot guys came up to us and said sc! lisa! that was an awesome party last night! great job! we looked at each other, and i know we were both thinking the same thing... yes! we are awesome.

this year, i really don't have any plans yet. bev and i have tossed around a few ideas, but nothing concrete yet. i have to say; i am totally cool with whatever happens or doesn't happen. it'd be nice if we had some fun young professionals thing to go to, or had planned a ladies' night in at someone's house. but we didn't. we may end up at some hip bar, drinking pink martinis or a nice cab sauv. who knows. whatev. i don't feel the need to rebelliously flaunt my single status in the face of 'singles awareness day,' as my friend dave likes to call it. i used to, but not anymore.

so, happy valentines day/singles awareness day. i hope your comfortable enough with who and where you are in life to enjoy the day or at least have some fun with it. do you have any cool plans? if so, share 'em below.....

no more bad boys (probably can't say the same for bad decisions)

2008-02-07T22:45:00.000-05:00

we all know the stereotype of the bad boy. i admit, i've fallen for a few. i've never seriously dated one, but i've 'hung around' a few, and um, may have made a bad decision or two concerning a rally-attending socialist venezuelan and also an underachiever rich-kid with bad words tattooed on his knuckles.

i am definitely making better decisions now, though! heck, the last guy i made a bad decision with was a really good guy! baby steps, right? right.....

so i saw vball dude at a church function last night. he was in line next to me for communion. we chatted some, and that was that. i hung around afterward hoping to talk to him some more, as i actually had something to tell him, but he was deep in conversation with someone else. i emailed him today, and when he emailed me back he mentioned the humanitarian trip through our church thathe was helping to plan, and added that if i wanted to help out, to just let him know. and before i really knew what i was doing, i hit reply and said, yup, i'd love to help out.

and with the click of my mouse and the stroke of a few keys, i committed to a trip to new orleans in August to build houses.

now, in my defense, i was thinking about going on some kind of trip like that this year. a few years ago i went really far away (africa), and i'm not ready to shell out for that again right now. but new orleans is much more do-able. and i was thinking that with some of my experiences, i could help with leadership stuff if they need it. but before that email, i still wasn't sure if i was committing or not. but i think that now i am committed.

but, you know what? vball dude is a good guy. a really good guy. even though at this point i don't think he's being anything more than nice to me, i'm ok with me doing a few silly (but hopefully subtle) things to hang around him a little more. for the first time in a while. i've found a good, solid guy, and i'm intrigued. i'm intrigued by his goodness! that doesn't happen much. hopefully we'll become friends and i can see what he's really all about, and if he's as good as he seems.